SKIM-BLE-SHANKS THE RAIL-WAY CAAAAAT
THE CAAAT OF THE RAIL-WAY TRAAAAAAIN

This started long before my mom and I walked into an aggressively empty theater the day after Christmas, 2019, to watch CATS The Movie.

It’s been going on for years. I first saw CATS The Musical at age 4 or 5. And then three or four more times until the last time it came through my hometown when I was 19. I fucking love this musical.

Skimbleshanks is not my favorite song/cat, but its syncopated chorus is so darn fun to sing, and it bursts into the second act of the musical with such incongruous energy at exactly the right time to wake you up. It’s an earworm. Here you go. Scream it at a loved one when they least expect it.

Premise

So FIRST OF ALL, you can’t judge CATS The Movie for its basic premise, the music, or the weird lyrics. I’m sorry but that’s a non-starter. All of that came from the source material and if you didn’t like the musical or the poetry, you were never going to like the movie. It’s like going to see a Harry Potter movie and being like, “I don’t like how in the movie there were a bunch of children in constant danger and also they were wizards.” That’s not the movie’s fault, that’s the source material, Bud.

So I’m going to shelve the fact that the premise is weird, and the song lyrics are silly, and the cats’ names are truly bonkers. (Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo or Coricopat. Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum). You can talk to Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber and T.S. Eliot about that shit. Maybe a sung-through piece about the secret lives of cats and what if they could dance and what if some were super horny isn’t your bag. That’s fine, but you were never going to like that in movie form instead of a live musical so, shut your trap.

If, on the other hand, you first saw cats as a wee 8-year-old weirdo whose interests could be summed up as cats, her pet cats, the concept of cats, wild cats, choir, and magic, then HOLY FUCKING SHIT is this musical going to blow your tiny mind.

I mean.

She didn’t stand a chance.

So we’re shelving the premise and the music. The music is GREAT, by the way. If you disagree I’m sorry about how wrong you and your life are. The orchestration is big, the harmonies are multiple and complicated, there are moments when chords just hit you like an oversized shoe. It’s one of those magical musicals that transports you to another world, one where the room is abuzz just before the curtain opens, with normal human chatter and sounds, then the lights go off, the curtain parts, and BAM! You’re hit with those sneaky first notes from the pit and suddenly you realize YOU’RE WATCHING A MUSICAL BUSTER and then you’re crying and you don’t know why.

I always cry when a musical starts. Let’s not dissect it.

SKIM-BLE-SHANKS THE RAIL-WAY CAAAAAT

Sorry. What I meant to say was that a lot of the musical performances in the movie are great. And, incredibly, performed live during the filming. Just like LES MIS The Movie, director Tom Hooper had all the performers sing live during the shoot, rather than lip-sync to a backing track. It’s amazing and raw, and you can feel it especially, obviously, during Jennifer Hudson’s final performance of Memory. Lips quivering. Breaths taken for effect. Tears streaming down her face. God is her face wet for this whole movie. Just a moist lady, givin’ it her all.

Overall the acting was very good—which makes me all the more upset for the actors. They had no idea what it was going to look like. Clearly a lot of them were stoked to be in CATS, and had a deep connection to seeing the musical as a child. I am constantly in awe of actors who agree to take a risk on a project and put their performances and reputations in the hands of a director. The actors usually have no say in how the final thing turns out.

And the dancing? It’s great. I think. I think the dancing was great. It was hard to tell. The camera movements were often so weird and swoopy that it was hard to see the dancing, and the CGI of it all made you question whether the performers were actually doing these moves or maybe a computer programmed it all out.

Abject body horror

Because it is SO HARD to focus on the music or the dancing when your brain is trying to figure out what the actual fuck you’re looking at. Is it a cat? Is it a human? What monstrous feat of science or act of a vengeful God hast wrought this creature?

It’s like you took a cat and a human, put each through a paper shredder, grabbed a handful of whatever came out the other side, then pasted it back into a single entity. Top of head = cat, middle of head = human, neck = cat, chest = human and Jesus why do the female cats have human, nippleless boobs? There are also no teats on the tummy so I ask you, HOW do these creatures feed their young? Are they sterile? By God I hope so. The only alternative is that they lay eggs.

These are the kinds of horrible thought experiments one has to (HAS TO) embark upon to make any sense of what you’re looking at. It’s macabre.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, was the choice made to give these performers cat skin? I promise you, it would be 1000% better if they were wearing the wild 80s glam rock costumes from the musical. They’re ridiculous, especially in this economy, but at least they’re comprehensible. You can see the human inside, and you don’t have to ask questions like, “Why is the tail coming out of the mid-spine?”

Tom Hooper, release the un-CGI’ed edit. The one where dancer’s legs actually touch the ground and don’t kind of slip across it because the CGI didn’t render it correctly. The one where you don’t have collars floating weirdly in the air around furry necks because the CGI didn’t render it correctly. The one where Dame Judi Dench’s human hands and wedding ring are fine, because she’s just wearing a big fur coat and cheesy cat ears and I don’t have nightmares.

And by the way, that hand? I saw that hand. I saw MANY human hands. Any time a cat wore a coat over their fur (fur coats made of WHOM’S SKIN?), they had human hands. So if Dame Judi Dench’s hands were the only ones that were fixed after the studio sent an updated film to theaters, there are still a lot of hairless human hands to look out for.

Story changes

And now, if you’re still here for some in-depth story analysis: Some in-depth story analysis. I’m sure that’s what you came here for and so you’ll be happy to keep reading—

THE CAAAT OF THE RAIL-WAY TRAAAAAAIN

I’m fine with the way they added some kind of plot to the story, honestly. It’s kind of dumb that the cats have to perform a song to be chosen, America Idol-style, to be raptured up to heaven or a buddhist afterlife to be reborn. The original was just a loose collection of HEY LOOKIT THIS CAT so, fine.

Cat-by-cat breakdown

Anyone still here? Hardcore CATS fans? Just me? That’s ok. I just need to get a few more things off of my human chest. The kind that has boobs and nipples, in the appropriate places.

Victoria

The opening of the film is very sad and almost un-commented on—Victoria, tied up in bag, gets thrown out of a ritzy car into the alley. But CATS is very sad and dark at times so it’s not uncharacteristic. Victoria is not a large role in the musical, but Francesca Hayward is charming, and her eyes are so big and open that she works well as a stand-in for the audience with a general, pleasant, what-the-fuck-is-all-this expression.

Munkustrap

Who is this guy? I don’t remember this character at all but he’s in, like, all of it. He’s fine. He’s quite a good singer. And a really good dancer. Goddammit he’s kind of doing it for me. HELP I AM FALLING INTO THE SEXY ABYSSSSSS.

Jennyanydots

I really didn’t like this character or Rebel Wilson’s portrayal. They somehow made her grosser and strangely petty. In the musical, the joke is that she’s a big, lazy asshole that sleeps most of the time but, SURPRISE! At night she comes alive and dedicates herself to some admittedly weird hobbies. But boy can she tap.

In the film she’s just kind of fat and weird. She invites us into a matryoshka-like layer of body horror when she reveals the tiniest little human child-mouse hybrids and lines of human-cockroach hybrids, several of whom she eats mid-song. Oh. And then suddenly she UNZIPS HER CAT SKIN TO REVEAL A SHINY VEST OUTFIT OVER ANOTHER EXACTLY-THE SAME CAT SKIN.

I.

Ask.

You.

She does this twice.

Rum Tum Tugger

Upon exiting the theater, my mother said to me, and I quote, “I remember the Rum Tum Tugger as being sexier.”

When I was little I knew my mom liked Tugger because he was kind of an Elvis facsimile, and no one is a bigger Elvis fan than my mom. She was at his last performance in 1977 and never fully recovered from his passing.

But after watching clips from the CATS The Musical The Film (available on YouTube, but in very awkward short clips), I realized Tugger was originally more like Tim Curry doing an Elvis impersonation in 80s hair band drag. So. Still very up my mom’s alley.

But Jason Derulo does his own thing, much less Elvis and hardly any Tim Curry. So to my mom and the other folks with mom energy looking for their sexy Tugger: this one isn’t for you. It’s for a new generation who maybe don’t know that Tim Curry was once a sex icon and probably don’t know anything about Elvis. I’m very sorry for your loss.

via GIPHY

Bustopher Jones

He has the funniest moments in the whole show. Ok yes, he does grub around in literal trash for quite awhile but it’s 2019 and who among us cannot say the same. He’s having a great time.

via GIPHY

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

Did you know that there is only a 0.03% chance that a calico cat will be a male? These are the kinds of top-quality cat facts you came here for, right? These guys are male and female twins, so I’ll let it slide.

Anyway I don’t know why they changed the tune of their song but kept the lyrics the same.

Old Deuteronomy

The best casting in the world. Thank you. Old Deuteronomy is always a male role in the musical, so I love this gender swap. Unfortunately Dame Judi Dench said in an interview with Out magazine that because of this, her character is trans… yowza. See a much-more-qualified take on that whole situation at i09.

Side note: in general I really respect the attempt at diversity of the CAST. Not that you can see it but you can feel it. Because man is CATS The Musical The Film white.

Gus: The Theater Cat

A truly pathetic and heartbreaking character in the musical. How did they get Sir Ian McKellan in here? He’s one of the cats who wears clothes: a coat and a thin scarf and hang on—is that what he showed up to set in?

They cut out a lot of his part and it’s honestly a good decision. Sorry Gandalf but at least you got out fairly unscathed.

SKIMBLESHANKS THE RAILWAY CAT

Oh here he comes. Lookit this guy. A real cup of hot Irish coffee. A queer icon if you ask me. What do you call a guy who refuses to wear a shirt but keeps his handlebar mustache perfectly distinct from the rest of the fur on his face?

via GIPHY

Fucking fabulous is what you call him.

Macavity

Oh God. This one is tough. I know we’ve had a lot of fun here but this is the one that broke me. He’s actually, sort of, fine when he’s wearing his big coat but near the end he appears sans coat for a big song and dance with Taylor Swift and somehow he’s The Most Naked of Them All. Probably because his fur is the shortest and shiniest and all one shade that’s a little bit close to his real skin color.

The foot.

I can’t with the foot.

In the musical he’s a fearsome legend that you barely ever see and the other cats are very scared of/horny for. When he finally shows up it’s actually terrifying according to me as a child (and others it seems). He has The Most Bodacious Hair and I’d frankly rather with this one.

Bombalurina

In many ways, Taylor Swift was the easiest to look at. Because she already kind of looks like a cat, right? But also she really shimmies those nippleless boobs and has such a strange hourglass shape and why oh why is she wearing high heels?

Taylor Swift wrote the only new song, Beautiful Ghosts, and it shows. It uses the same five words over and over and none of them are “ineffable”.

Mr. Mistoffelees

And we all say, oh well I never thought they’d ever do such a dirty to magical Mr. Mistoffelees. I understand, from a story perspective, why they made you timid and dorky and sort of put you in competition with Munkustrap for Victoria’s affections (even though in the musical you’re unapologetically and celebratorily flamboyant), and I like that you gained your confidence in the end and won over the hottest of the cats.

Buuuuuut you were my favorite cat in the musical and I miss the old you. You’re so fucking cool and suave and you actually save the day without saying a word. As someone who desperately craves all the attention in the room but doesn’t want to speak up to get it, I felt seen.

They’ve been singing about this asshole for 2 minutes before he even shows up. What an entrance. What a jacket. What an icon.

You know what? The more I think about it, the more I hate what the movie did to Mistoffelees. Shame on you.

Grisabella

In the movie they say that Grisabella made a bad decision to go off with Macavity and now she’s paying for it by being ugly. There’s a whiff of sex work about her character and the guilt they assign her that is not at all explicit and hopefully just in my head, but that’s the vibe I got.

In the musical, she was the most beautiful, glamorous cat until she got HIT BY A CAR. And now her life is shitty and it’s not her fault. She’s the most tragic and her song is so beautiful and you rejoice in her redemption and, yes, her death. IT WAS TIME, Grisabella.

Jennifer Hudson does a lovely job and if it weren’t for the fucking body horror maybe she’d be nominated for some awards. She’s also the only cat who walks on all fours drags her back legs behind her. Woof.

And thank the sweet baby Jesus that’s the last cat I’m going to talk about. I have to go lay down for an hour—A FULL HOUR—after all this.

And then I’ll come back to the real world by looking up these actors doing good work in their real skin. I’ll just watch JHud sing in human form and look up Robbie Fairchild dancing so good with his human muscles and forget this ever—

SKIM-BLE-SHANKS THE RAIL-WAY CAAAAAT
THE CAAAT OF THE RAIL-WAY TRAAAAAAIN

The post The only thing wrong with CATS The Movie is the abject body horror appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

Photo by Drop the Label Movement on Unsplash

Or rather, stop telling women you don’t know very well that they’re beautiful. Is that right? I’m not sure if that’s right or not. But here’s the thing—if all you can say about a woman is that she’s pretty, it can feel like that’s all she has to offer, like that’s all you see or care about. Let me give you two examples and some fun research to listen to.

#1. The dumb example.

I don’t have any kids, but I do have a dog (male) and a cat (female). When I walk in the door, I see my dog first, running in to greet me from some cozy spot where he was napping (usually the floor, right in front of an expensive bed I bought the lil’ dummy). And I say, “Hello Charlie! Who’s a good boy?”

Then I look for my cat, who’s napping in her favorite spot by the window, and who did not get up to greet me but who very graciously lifted her head in acknowledgement of my presence (sometimes). I walk over to her and say, “Hello Evie! How’s my pretty girl?”

Even I, a #woke #millennial, genders the adjectives I use to describe my pets, who couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of this. But why is “good” the attribute a male pet should most aspire to, while “pretty” is the best a girl can do? It feels so natural, doesn’t it? What’s the first thing people tell children raised as girls—that they’re a beautiful baby, such a pretty little girl, she’ll be a real heartbreaker, you’ll have to beat the boys off with a stick (ew).

So from now on, I’ll try to tell my cat what a good girl she is, whether that’s technically true or not. Stop clawing the carpet, Evie, you have literally three things in YOUR bedroom designed to be scratched.

A good boy

An equally good girl

#2. The real example.

I was on a short film set this weekend (brag), and on the first day we were gathered in a big circle after a couple hours of rehearsal, listening to the location manager give some instructions about the plan for the next few days. It was all, “Please check in to this room in the morning, park in the white spots not the yellow ones, don’t catch on fire when we have real torches on set, yada yada.” Then, seemingly out of nowhere (maybe there was some transition about getting ready for the early call time), the location manager called out one of our actresses saying how beautiful she was, that she probably just wakes up like that with her beauty and her perfect hair. It went on a little too long, and I at least felt immediately uncomfortable.

He probably thought was funny, or that he was being nice.

But.

She was being singled out, in the crowd of a dozen, for her appearance for no real reason. I mean, she’s an actress, so maybe she’s used to it, but as one of the 4 women out of the 12, my stomach anxiously tightened in a literal gut reaction.

And I didn’t say anything, because it wasn’t my set to control, and I didn’t want to make it more awkward in the moment by pointing it out. I should have talked to her afterward, to see if she was ok, but I didn’t. I should have talked to him as well to tell him that was weird. Hopefully next time I’ll be braver.

On top of the awkwardness of being singled out, he was focusing all his praise on her looks, which is, again, something that typically only happens to people who present feminine. Ask yourself next time, my dude, whether you would say the same thing to our lead male actor—would it be weird? Can you imagine me saying something like that to our male lead?

Did I want to tell our lead actor he was an adorable little British Scrumpet that I would like to put in my pocket and carry around? Sure, we all did. But I didn’t say that to him, because that might have made him feel weird, and wonder what my true intentions are (excuse me, I just told you, Scrumpet), and whether I might act on those intentions.

It may not feel as great as you think it does to be complimented on your looks by someone you don’t know very well (or at all, this was their first meeting). All our lives we lady-types have been told by society that women are only valuable if they’re attractive, and by only telling her she’s pretty you’re validating those messages.

Her beauty has very little to do with her, actually. Chalk it up to good genes, maybe good makeup skills (or the good makeup skills of someone she hired), the free time to go to the gym, the means to purchase and access to healthy food.

Maybe you were so caught up in her looks that you failed to notice what a good actor she was. How independent she was. How she was in fact the only actor out of six who made the entire room, including the director, audibly laugh during some improv scenes.

I don’t want to speak for her, but I’d rather be complimented on things I’ve accomplished, skills I’ve honed, on my intellect or my kindness. I hope those things are worthy of note, beyond my very average face or my hair that I’ve definitely washed in the past two days.

#3. Some research.

Listen to this episode of the excellent podcast Ologies with Alie Ward all about Kalology—the study of beauty standards— for more perspective on how culture puts beauty pressure on different groups of people, how we all struggle with it, and how it’s a big dumb scam that only benefits sellers of cosmetics and clothing and skin care products. How some (many? most?) women have to walk the thin red line (what a bold pop of color!) between looking attractive enough to be listened to but not so attractive that you won’t be taken seriously.

It’s fucking exhausting.

Wrap it up.

So what, am I like, never allowed to tell a woman she’s beautiful ever again? Of course you can. And I don’t speak for all women, just trying to give a perspective on what it’s like to receive these kinds of compliments. I’d happily accept such comments from a close, trusted friend or family member because I trust that the only motive behind their words is to make me feel good. But if some dude on the street just shouts at you as you walk by—who knows what he wants? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

I have never once, not once, in my life seen a person and felt so compelled by their visage that I had to say out loud “YOU HAVE A GOOD FACE.” What do you even do with that? I will gladly take a compliment on my outfit, or an article of clothing, my style, my swagger, my unique aura of mystery wrapped in a flaky pastry-like enigma—these are all things I’ve chosen carefully and if it’s clear there’s no weird intent behind it, please compliment away.

But I promise you it’s ok to just hold it in. My day will not be affected in the least. And that’s literally all I ask of strangers.

The post Stop telling women they’re beautiful appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

—

Here are a few tips from the pros on how to nail that first in-person meeting with a potential client: Smile to put them at ease and show that a relationship with you will be a pleasant one. Make steady but not aggressive eye contact. Use your client’s name in conversation—people love hearing their own name.

And at the end of the meeting, approach your client until you are face to face, then lean in and confidently apply your entire frontside to the entire frontside of this stranger. And—voila! Stranger no more. Close, personal hug-buddy. Leave no room between you, to show how close a partnership this will be. Lean fully into it, to show how far you’re willing to go—until your naughty bits almost but don’t quite touch. This is a business transaction after all.

If this seems like a totally weird, in-what-world-would-this-happen scenario to you, let me guess (without even trying to feel them) that your particular naughty bits are male and maybe heterosexual. Let me also guess that you are imagining two heterosexual dudes playing the parts of salesman and client. And this scenario will probably not happen, like, ever, because if you need a seat between you and your heterosexual man friend in a movie theater, then there’s no way you’re going for a full bro-body-on-bro-body hug in a professional situation.

Also? Shame on you! Women can be salesmen now too. And now you’re imagining the very few appropriate and non-litigious ways you may touch a female business associate and you’re probably very uncomfortable. Good for you.

I have, in fact, been party to a number of business hugs. I am never the one to initiate, and I am NOT. A. FAN. I don’t want my colleagues to know what my boobs feel like when smooshed up against them. You may appreciate or ignore them from a distance, but only a select circle may know their spreadability and heft.

Honestly if I wanted my breasts involved in my professional relationships I would have been a wet nurse.

And it’s not like I think that all men are trying to get in there (despite my angling)—I don’t want to hug a female colleague either. I don’t give out free hugs. Some folks think I don’t like hugs at all, which is not true. It’s just that, in my mind, a hug says, “I am genuinely happy to see you!” “It’s been such a while since we’ve met in person, I’ve corporeally missed you!” or “I have a great deal of affection for you!”

And sorry, Tim, Director of Corporate Communications, none of those statements are true when we meet. I would like to acknowledge you in a friendly and professional manner, with a strong handshake and a warm smile to show that I do appreciate your business. I do not want to wrap my arms around you and pull you close to my bosom.

I do not want to think about the word bosom during the workday.

It usually happens that the other party initiated the hug upon me. Or someone else in the room has started the trend and I don’t feel I can back out of it by shafting someone with a cold handshake. It’s too late for me, and while my male counterparts (counterpenis?) might buck the trend out of above-noted fear of uncomfortable gray areas*, everyone expects me to hug because I am a squishy woman.

But guess what, motherfuckers: I DONT WANT TO HUG EVERYONE. I say NO to business hugs. I AM NOT SQUISHY. Even if I were, it is not for you to find out. I don’t care about hurting your feelings; nut up and keep them nuts away from my belly button, probably. I don’t want this to get personal. MAINTAIN YOUR DISTANCE and you won’t get stabbed by the box cutter I keep angled forward in the inside breast pocket of my smart pantsuit.

Join me. SAY NO to business hugs.

*Note: If your naughty bits have become an uncomfortable gray area, you should consult your doctor. Let them know if you’ve been traveling through Old Valyria recently.

The post Business hugs appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

What can you say? It’s not even fun or worthwhile to talk about how crazy Trump is, at this point. Every semi-rational person acknowledges that he’s a lunatic. The people who like him will continue to like him no matter what he says. Remember when he said he could “stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and [not] lose voters”? That was not just his beautiful braggadocio. That may actually be true. I used to think, with each new horrible, ridiculous turd that came out of his mouth, that this is the one that will stop him. This is the straw that’s going to break this spray-tanned camel’s back. Finally his supporters’ eyes will be opened to the great pumpkin monster before them, and they will run in terror and shame, aghast at what they nearly pushed through to a place of actual power.

But nope. Hasn’t happened. Not gonna happen. The people who love him love how crazy he is. They love his outlandish claims; they don’t care whether they’re factually true because they feel true, and that’s good enough. And anyone who says otherwise is a liar and a loser. They don’t care how every goddamn statement he makes will ruin this country.

So. What are you gonna do.

The only thing I can think of that might make a difference is to address the Democratic-leaning folks who are contemplating voting third party, or not voting at all, because they can’t get behind Hillary. Those votes might actually make a difference, and those voters are likely reasonable, good human beings on whom a desperate appeal for a return to sanity may not be wasted.

And so to you, liberal voter who cannot agree 100% with Hillary’s platform, politics, or personality I say: please vote for her anyway. Pretty please? Can we please do everything we legally can to ensure Trump does not become president?

From what I can tell, the main reasons a more-or-less identifiable Democrat would not vote for Hillary Clinton next month are (and feel free to correct me): Because her policies don’t match yours, because the current two-party system is broken, or because you don’t trust her. Or, maybe these are the reasons stated publicly, but if we’re being brutally honest: you don’t want to vote for Hillary because Bernie lost.

Buckle up, ’cause it’s a long one. I was going to intersperse GIFs and fun photos to break it up but, you know what? I’ve read a lot of shitty, prescriptive articles/posts about the election peppered with GIFs and it somehow lessens the importance of the message. Who knew.

In fact there is a list of reading material and sources cited at the end just to rub in how not funny this whole thing is. So if you came here for the lulz, just close this tab now and go back to whatever you were doing. No feelings hurt here.

If Bernie can’t have it then nobody can

I’d like to address the last reason first: You don’t want to vote for her because you’re upset that your favorite candidate, Bernie Sanders, lost. And I get that it’s a bummer, and the political party cards were stacked against him from the beginning so it’s not fair. But if you needed leaked emails to tell you that a political party plays favorites, then I’m afraid this is just the first of many sad realizations that await you, sweet baby fawn. I don’t even want to tell you about what happens to your paycheck after taxes and healthcare come out. I’ll let Santa do that.

That doesn’t mean that it’s fair, or right, or that the system that lets this happen isn’t broken, but thems the breaks right here and now. And, by the way, he lost the popular vote too. By 3.6 to 3.8 million votes, depending on your source. I’m not trying to rub it, just pointing out that the system worked the way it works, and the person who the majority of voters voted for won the nomination.

If you’re still sore about it, fine. Try again next time, try to work harder for a candidate you believe in, but it’s not appropriate to sulk about it by withholding your vote from the party’s candidate. The Berninator himself endorsed Hillary when the time came to face facts. Newsflash: adults don’t always get what they want. Do I want to get up at 6am every weekday and hang out with a few thousand strangers on a germ-infested capsule that sometimes just stops, underground, underwater, with no warning, and holds you captive for up to an hour? Uhhhhhh no. But I gotta get that paper, which they only give me when I go to work, and BART is the best way of a couple of shitty options to get me there.

To not vote for the Democratic nominee is to risk the Republican one winning. Full stop. And if you think there’s no way that a benevolent God would let that happen, let me just say–hey, wait a minute, you believe in God? Didn’t think so, you heathen. Just kidding. But please do look up the election of 2000. I didn’t think there was any way that all the adults in our county would let such a dum-dum sucker of a candidate be president then.

And that’s not even going into how the comparative success of third-party candidates may have been the difference between George W. Bush winning over Al Gore, specifically Ralph Nader’s 100,000 votes in Florida.

It’s like being upset that your family didn’t go to your favorite restaurant one night, but went to one that has a lot of the same food. And this makes you so mad that you starve yourself to death and poison your family for their stupid choices. And now everyone is literally dead.

Please don’t poison us all because your feelings are hurt.

Her policies don’t align with mine

Let’s say you supported Bernie Sanders and now you don’t want to support Hillary because her policies don’t match yours as closely as his did. Welp, I hate to tell you that their platforms were not that different (see comparison at I Side With). I took that I’m an idiot, which one should I vote for??? quiz at the beginning of the primary campaign and I came out just a few percentage points closer to Hillary than Bernie. It was a problem, actually, because I initially wanted to support her with gusto right from the start, but all of my smart, cool, good-hearted friends seemed to be so far on the Bernie bus that I think some of them got their CDL licenses.

Can I tell you a dirty secret? I was so conflicted that I didn’t even vote in the primary. Honestly, their platforms were so similar, and the differences weren’t necessarily about things I cared about. I thought they would both do good things for the country, although they would go about it in extremely different ways. So I let everyone else decide. But in my heart of hearts, I was with her, and I wish I’d been more convicted early on.

In fact, Hillary seems to have moved to the left to the left because of the success of Bernie’s campaign. See any of these analyses by much smarter people about her stance (or at least how prevalent the issue has become) on the minimum wage, the Keystone XL pipeline, the Trans Pacific Partnership, race relations, and college tuition: Has Bernie Sanders Pulled Hillary Clinton to the Left? (NPR), After Shaping The Democrats’ Most Progressive Platform Ever, Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton (ThinkProgress), How Bernie changed Hillary (Politico).

So, again, the democratic process worked the way it’s been set up to work. If you’re voting solely on the issues, please actually look at the issues. Hillary is the Democratic nominee; she will enact a liberal agenda.

The dang two-party system is broken

I don’t necessarily disagree with you. And I don’t think that voting third party is always the same thing as “throwing away” your vote–if we keep thinking this way then third-party contenders will never get enough votes to be taken seriously. But in the current environment, in this current election, voting third-party is not going to do anyone any good. Did you know that both Gary Johnson and Jill Stein ran in the 2012 election? And although they were polling at 2-3% two months before that election, they each received less than one percent of the actual vote. Because, in the end, those voters who said they would support Gary or Jill knew it wouldn’t really change the reality of the two-party system. Or because they fell asleep and forgot the whole thing. Who knows.

But in this election, a third-party vote will not only do very little to change the system, it will, again, risk putting the entire country in the hands of a curry-colored madman.

An article titled There’s No Such Thing as a Protest Vote has been shared a lot recently, and although I don’t agree with every statement, this quote seriously resonated with me for this election:

Throwing away your vote on a message no one will hear, and which will change no outcome, is sometimes presented as ‘voting your conscience’, but that’s got it exactly backwards; your conscience is what keeps you from doing things that feel good to you but hurt other people. Citizens who vote for third-party candidates, write-in candidates, or nobody aren’t voting their conscience, they are voting their ego, unable to accept that a system they find personally disheartening actually applies to them. –Clay Shirky, Medium

However, if you truly believe in a multi-party system, the time to work towards that end IS NOT ON ELECTION DAY. It’s at the beginning of a viable candidate’s campaign, to help them gain exposure and support. Don’t pretend you believed in Jill Stein all along if you’ve done nothing to support her before now.

It’s far too late at this point, you are throwing your vote away, it will not make a positive difference. Either Trump or Clinton will be president. Choose one or you leave the choice to the rest of America. And do you really trust the rest of America? No, we’re idiots. Please take responsibility for your actions and make a real decision.

Actually, the beginning of a campaign is already too late to start rallying for a non-Democrat or non-Republican candidate. Better to support them in your local government so they can gain experience, move up through the ranks, gain exposure and a solid voting history, get to the Senate or House of Representatives and help others of their party do the same. They need to be taken seriously by their peers and they need to have enough recognition to get them to a televised debate. Just voting for them on November 8th will not do a damn thing.

She’s untrustworthy

I’m going to assume you feel that way because of something she’s done in the past, rather than a gut feeling you have about her. The something that is most often pointed to as a clear sign that she’s a devious little schemer is her use of a private email server while holding the office of Secretary of State. Which, yeah, seems pretty secretive. Like, what’re you hiding, lady? But most of those emails have been released, the FBI investigated and found that it was a real dumb move, but no classified information was intentionally or willfully mishandled. If you want a full, incredibly detailed look at how the server was set up and what kinds of things were in those .48% of emails that had classified or higher information, read this narrative of the interviews and reports released by the FBI in late September.

Together, the documents, technically known as Form 302s, depict less a sinister and carefully calculated effort to avoid transparency than a busy and uninterested executive who shows little comfort with even the basics of technology, working with a small, harried inner circle of aides inside a bureaucracy where the IT and classification systems haven’t caught up with how business is conducted in the digital age. Reading the FBI’s interviews, Clinton’s team hardly seems organized enough to mount any sort of sinister cover-up. –Garrett M. Graff, Politico

She’s apologized and admitted that it was wrong, that she would not do it again if given the chance. That she’s basically a techno-idiot and will try harder in the future. So can we move on?

Although, before we do, let’s just note that a few other folks have used private email servers while in office, through which similar confidential information may have passed. Maybe I should just let John Oliver cover Hillary’s trust-eroding scandals in more entertaining detail, if you’re so inclined.

Now, maybe once you really examine your feelings you’ll find that you just plain don’t trust her, although you can’t point to a specific reason why. It’s something in her manner maybe, that feels like she’s not being genuine. She’s hiding something.

Yeah, dude, she’s hiding her true feelings. Of course she’s covering them up with a stoic smile that’s not too big and not to small, just the right size to make her seem at ease, pleasant, but not overbearing. On stage during the first Presidential debate, she was most certainly thinking, “Why in the actual FUCK do I have to stand here, listening to the ravings of an infantile lunatic?” If she were showing her true feelings, she definitely would have walked over and slapped the shit out of that baby-handed pumpkin-spiced idiot in a big league way.

“Cyber.” Slap. “is.” Slap. “not.” Slap. “a.” Slap. “noun.”

At least that’s what I was truly feeling. But no, she can’t show that. She has to calmly plow through 50+ interruptions in an even tone, with that just-the-right-kind of smile on her face in order to be taken seriously. If she had said, about anti-Hillary ads, “…it is not nice, and I don’t deserve that, but it’s certainly not a nice thing that [he’s] done,” she would have been branded a whiny little bitch.

So yes, she is hiding her true feelings, because unlike some hugely wealthy, white(ish) men who run for office, her every word, every facial expression is scrutinized.

Also she’s an adult. Trying to get a job. Are you perfectly open during job interviews?

And yes, she’s a politician and knows how to play the game–she’s too good at it, in many peoples’ opinion. But that is one of the reasons I respect her and trust that she will be able to deliver on her promises better than most. Much better than Bernie Sanders ever would.

In fact we recently learned, in the WikiLeaks dump of transcripts of some of her paid speeches, that she thought you have to have a public and a private position on policies. GROSS, right? Two-faced lie-monster, right?

I don’t think so. When I heard that line in the most-recent debate, I thought, “Yeah. That makes sense.” First of all, similar to the above issues around being a lady and hiding your true feelings, I’ve spent a lot of my life holding my opinions close, sometimes going against what I truly felt in order to get a job done. In a previous position, my boss was a truly terrible human being. Literally the worst person I’ve ever met. But I didn’t let many people know my real opinion; instead I played nice, got on her good side, put my head down and got the job done. When she quit the company abruptly everyone would ask me for updates, “How’s she doing? How’s her new position? Do you miss her so much?” And finally I could answer, “Fuck if I know! That bitch can drown in a vat of liquefied animal fat for all I care.”

But I digress. In the full text of this part of Hillary’s speech (read it here on WikiLeaks, but maybe in an Incognito tab because GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING), she actually said that you have to learn “how to balance the public and the private efforts that are necessary to be successful, politically, and that’s not just a comment about today.” She goes on to say how she admired this trait in Abraham Lincoln, “how he was maneuvering and working to get the 13th Amendment passed.” Both he and Secretary Seward knew they had to work the system to get the thing done. “I mean, politics is like sausage being made. It is unsavory, and it always has been that way, but we usually end up where we need to be.”

That’s definitely a Hamilton reference, right?

How cool.

How true.

I have not a single qualm about how she gets things done, how she got to where she is today. I don’t care what deals she made, who gave her money, or what compromises were arranged. Because in the adult world, sometimes you have to give something up in order to get something big done. And however she gets there, when she’s in the Oval Office I believe she will do great things for our country and its citizens. Even those who tried everything they could to prevent her from getting it done.

She may not be the leader you wanted, but she’s the one we need now.

…ok just one GIF.

Further reading

All links from above, in case you want to come back to them.

2016 Democratic Primary results:

• Wikipedia
• Real Clear Politics

Answer questions to find which candidate you most agree with: I Side With

Compare policy stances:

• Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders (I Side With)
• Hillary Clinton vs. Jill Stein (I Side With)
• Quick visual comparison of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein (Reddit/Imgur)

Did Bernie’s campaign move Hillary to the left:

• Has Bernie Sanders Pulled Hillary Clinton to the Left? (NPR)
• After Shaping The Democrats’ Most Progressive Platform Ever, Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton (ThinkProgress)
• How Bernie changed Hillary (Politico).

Third-party voting:

• With Vote Approaching, Third-Party Candidates Face Uphill Climb (NYT)
• There’s No Such Thing As A Protest Vote (Medium)
• Third Party Candidates Need to Get on the Debate Stage to Make a Difference (NYT)
• How Nader cost Gore an Election (Washington Post)

Text from Hillary Clinton’s speeches: WikiLeaks

Uncited but great: Your Gleeful Liberal Takedown of Hillary Clinton Is Affirming Institutional Sexism (Medium)

The post Do not throw away your vote appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

RICHARD: Wow, what time is it?

ME: It’s 10pm.

RICHARD: Yeah, I totally lost track of time there for a bit, while playing this video game.

ME: Ah, would you say you were in a flow state?

RICHARD: What?

ME: Would you say were in a… FLOW STATE???

RICHARD: What are you talking about?

ME: Would you say you were challenged enough to not be bored, but not so challenged that you became frustrated?

RICHARD: Wh-what?

ME: You know, A FLOW STATE??!?!? As set forth by CSIKSZENTMIHALYI?

RICHARD: WHAT? What are you saying? STOP!

ME: Talkin’ about MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI’S FLOW STATE???

RICHARD: STOP SHOUTING MADE UP WORDS!

ME: It’s not made up, look it up! Open up a browser and type in “Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi flow state,” I dare you.

RICHARD: No, how would I even—

ME: OOH! Or better yet, let’s ask Google about it. I’m sure it’ll pick it right up.

RICHARD: Go for it.

ME: Ok Google!

GOOGLE: …

ME: OK GOOGLE!

GOOGLE: …

RICHARD: Ok Google.

GOOGLE: Ready. Hit it.

ME: MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI!

GOOGLE: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is a Hungarian psychologist who created the the psychological concept of flow.

ME: Wow, I can’t believe that worked.

RICHARD: Wow, ok. I believe you.

ME: Yeah, I know how to pronounce Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I went to grad school.

RICHARD: Shut up.

ME: You know who definitely would not know how to pronounce that name? Siri.

RICHARD: Ooh yeah, do it.

ME: Siri, MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI.

SIRI: …

…

Hello?

RICHARD: Yep. Seems about right.

ME: Go home Siri.

The post Hello? It’s Mihaly. appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

I came across this article on Reddit, and clicked even though I knew it would be a bummer.

‘Ghostbusters’ Trailer Is the Most ‘Disliked’ Movie Trailer in YouTube History

Let’s get some disclaimers out of the way: I am a white lady who is very excited about the new Ghostbusters movie. Maybe 70% of that excitement is because of the cast and director, the remaining 30% is nostalgia. I say nostalgia and not love of the originals, because although I remembered liking them a lot as a kid, we watched the first one recently and I was amused, then mildly annoyed, and then I fell asleep. Feel free to skip to the comments button here and tell me what an idiot I am and that women do not understand comedy so this whole conversation is moot.

To sum up, this article (written in April, I’ve updated the numbers where I could) talks about how the first trailer for the remake of Ghostbusters has become the most-disliked movie trailer ever posted to YouTube. It currently has 961,200 dislikes (and 274,000 likes on 37 million views).

Why this matters

One might think, big deal—people don’t like the trailer. Or the movie. But the problem comes when you compare it to other not well-received trailers and other very-disliked videos.

On this list of the Most-disliked YouTube videos, it is the only movie trailer in the top 100. Most of the videos there are also the most-watched, most-liked videos of all time; Baby by Justin Bieber, Gagnam Style by Psy, Friday Friday GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY by Rebecca Black. It follows that the most popular videos have the most eyes, and would therefore have the greatest number of dislikes. People get tired of popular stuff, and also hate popular stuff because fuck the system, I guess?

Ghostbusters is the lone movie trailer on that list, which is telling. Even trailers for really, really shitty movies can’t get these kinds of numbers. For the Ghostbusters trailer, 2.59% of views resulted in someone clicking “dislike.” For Jem, an unarguably terrrrrrible remake of another beloved nostalgic franchise, only 0.88% of viewers clicked “dislike.”

“To put [these numbers] in perspective, the Fantastic Four trailer from last year has only [20,270] dislikes. The Ridiculous Six trailer, which has an impressive 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, has only [5,971] dislikes. Could Ghostbusters be that much worse than either of those two movies? It’s seems unlikely knowing what we know about both Fantastic Four and Ridiculous Six.”

No. There is an active campaign to dislike the trailer on YouTube, to keep the dislikes going up disproportionately to actual sentiment. Just because people don’t like the idea of the movie. And why don’t they like the idea of the movie?

Is it fear of ruining a beloved childhood memory? (Director Paul Feig has a response to this, by the way.)

Is it the poor choices made by the trailer’s producers?

Is it FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAYYY????

Maybe, for some people. There are definitely a lot of folks who don’t like the idea of the movie for totes legit reasons. That’s fine. But you don’t mount an attack at this level on something because it wasn’t produced well. It certainly seems like much of this hatred is coming from men who can’t deal with the fact that the lead roles in this reboot, in the year of Our Lord 2016, have been filled by women. In a comedy. About ghosts.

Let’s hear from some rational folks

Naturally, I wanted to hear that others had the same, righteously disgusted reaction that I had to what seems pretty clearly a sexist attack on a movie that is making positive strides for ladies in entertainment. I thought, for some sad, naive reason, to go back to the Reddit post. Reddit is generally a liberal-minded community (based on what makes it to the front page and the few subs I frequent, at least) and I expected to see a lot of comments that would validate my feelings.

But no.

Oh no.

‘Ghostbusters’ remake is the most disliked trailer of all time on youtube from movies

Instead of a chorus of, “Wow, that sucks and is not fair at all. Sorry, women everywhere who try to do a thing,” which is the only decent or necessary comment to have, everyone instead wanted to agree how much this Ghostbusters flick is gonna su-u-uck. For a lot of reasons. A lot of rational, reasonable reasons. Reasons that don’t sound sexist at all. Right???

Except the reasons were pretty flimsy, and I think that if a lot of these people, and let’s go ahead and assume a lot of these Reddit commenters are dudes, really examined the root of their often extreme negative reaction, they might find it sounded just a little bit I guess I can see how that could be construed as ok it’s definitely a lot sexist.

For example: Some said this was clearly a cash grab, to bank on a popular franchise. And that’s why they weren’t going to like the new movie. Because fuck capitalism and Hollywood’s infatuation with making a quick buck over making quality content.

But I ask you, would a simple cash grab star four women between the ages of 32 and 49, directed by a man who dresses like Paul Feig?

I mean really.

Is that fucking BOWLER?

The commenters also claimed that something as grossly superficial as this would be totally devoid of soul. Oh really. Have you seen any of Paul Feig’s movies? How can you say he has no heart? The guy made a new Peanuts movie that people seemed to be really charmed by. I mean I didn’t see it. 87% rating on Rotten Tomatoes though.

A few defenders of Paul Feig mentioned how amazingly underrated Spy was, which is abso-fucking-lutely true. And I thought, phew, here we go. My people! I queued up all my best YAS KWEEN gifs and read on, only to find that the very smart statements about how commenters were so pleasantly surprised by Spy were immediately followed by the very very stupid declaration that “The best part of Spy was Jason Statham.”

Oh, the best part of an action comedy that somehow managed to have women on screen most of the time, acing the shit out of the Bechdel tes, is the one funny man in it? And you’re not sexist? Yes, Jason Statham was great. But was he the best part of the film? No. The best part of that film was MELISSA FUCKING MCARTHY. SHE’S A GODDAMN COMEDY UNICORN. Good God, dudes, get your shit together.

The most disappointing thing, to me, is that not only do we live in a world of blatant mysogynists—the kind who mount openly sexist, racist attacks on women who’ve done nothing but their literal jobs (#LoveForLeslieJ), but we also live in a world of mysogynists masquerading as rational dudes. You hide your sexism behind arguments that make sense on the surface, and when I try to call you out you say I’m just being irrational. And when I argue that no, in fact, I’m not being irrational and then you continue to ignore me until my voice gets higher- and higher-pitched and a little screech-owlish OK I HEAR IT TOO, you say, isn’t that just like a woman? To get all crazy and hysterical. This is why they can’t be allowed to run the country.

The short of this very long post is this

You do not have to like anything just because it features women, or minorities. You have the right to your opinions.

But all I’m asking is that you leave it there. Literally that’s it. If you could, maybe, find it within your cool and collected logical brain to say, “This isn’t my bag, but I’m glad it exists to give an opportunity to someone who is not a straight white man. It gives a voice to someone who probably had to fight to be heard.” Well that would be just a huge fucking win.

Unfortunately, you have the right to be a seriously inflamed asshole in this democracy of ours. You can spew out disproportionately huge turds on anything you disagree with. You can mount an unjustified, hate-filled attack on a stupid summer comedy. Just don’t pretend it has absolutely nothing to do with sexism. Your anal fissures are totally giving you away.

I would like to ghostbust the penis off of every last one of you.

The post Ladybusters appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

Since working full-time in the Bay Area for the past 2.5 years, I’ve had a 45 to 70 minute commute two times a day. That’s a lot of time to kill (most of it on public transit), and while I love music for zoning out, I’ve come to rely on podcasts to get me through my journey. Lonely wife note: They’re also great to listen to while doing stuff around the house alone while your husband is traveling.  Lonely slightly-crazed consultant’s wife note: Especially when he travels four days a week. Every week. For a year and a half. *In a whisper* Sometimes it feels like my favorite podcasters are my closest friends.

But anyway. Here are my favorites right now! I will skip the most well-known mainstays of my rotation: Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me, This American Life, and Serial.

Any to add? I’ve tried out quite a few others, if you want to discuss any not on this list please share!

And if you’re looking for a podcast co-host or would like to give money to someone to make a podcast… I’ll be here. Saying charmingly-interesting and tragically-unrecorded things. To myself.

The Flop House

Humor, movies, 1-1.5 hours per episode

My number one, listen at any time for a good time recommendation. Three dudes watch bad movies and talk about them. Two of the dudes are current/past writers for The Daily Show, and all three are delightfully, randomly, nerdily hilarious. You don’t need to have watched the film to enjoy their recaps, but it might be easier to start with one you’ve seen or at least heard of. Honestly the discussion of the movie is a small part of the show, most of the time the hosts (Dan McCoy, Elliot Kalan, and Stuart Wellington) get sidetracked with tangents about what the plot of a Ziggy movie would be, or which one of them is which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, or, more often than not, what’s going on right now in Scrooge McDuck’s Duckburg.

My favorite part is how easily they crack up—they seem truly delighted with eachother. Too often, when you get a few comedians together (especially dudes), they seem more interested in proving that they’re the funniest person in the room than actually enjoying themselves.

I’ve got my husband and brother-in-law hooked, I think, and now get great joy when we go off on our own Words That Sound Like Other Words^TM riff.

Slumber Party with Alie and Georgia

Humor, 1 hour per episode

Two best friends chat with comedians and other funny people in their pajamas. In a pillow fort. You may know Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark from appearances on Cooking Channel TV shows Tripping Out with Alie and Georgia and Unique Sweets, YouTube shows Classy Ladies with Alie and Georgia, Drinks with Alie and Georgia (where you can learn how to make mixed beverages like a McNuggetini), or—if you’re like me—on one of if not the best segments of Drunk History.

They talk about stuff, and things, science, and ghosts, snacks, stupid people, cute things on Instagram, depression, birthdayyyyys, and they cuss a lot. Basically I love them and they’re my surrogate best friends when mine are too far away and I’m too stupid to call.

The Mortified Podcast

Humor, nostalgia, 20-30 minutes per episode

I may have already mentioned my love for (or dragged you to) Mortified Live shows. Their podcast is the live show boiled down into easily-digestible, 1- or 2-story episodes, with all of the humor, embarrassment, and beauty that comes when grown ups read their childhood diaries in front of a crowd of strangers. Almost all of the podcasts are recorded at live shows around the world and offer a deliciously-varied peek at the growing pains of youths from very different backgrounds and, more wonderfully, the commonalities we all dealt with.

Start with the recent three-part series on Forbidden Crushes: the vice principal who ended up serenading the reader in front of a school assembly, the janitor who might have been a male model or a drug kingpin on the side, and the talented, popular drama kid who was perfect in every way except her gender.

My Favorite Murder

Humor, murrrrderrrrr, 45 minutes-1 hour 15 per episode

Georgia Hardstark (see above) and Karen Kilgariff indulge their dark love of famous murderers, serial killers, and generally horrible things. But it’s very funny. It’s hard to make terrible stories enjoyable, but these two ladies hit the right note for me—entertaining without being disrespectful. Most of the stories they discuss are well in the past, so you’re far enough removed from the horror to be ok with laughing just a little. If you’ve ever found yourself glued to a 48 Hours Mystery, lost for hours in well-linked serial killer articles, or really enjoyed season 1 of Serial and didn’t mind the whole discussing an innocent child’s death part, give it a shot!

To be honest I joined the secret My Favorite Murder Facebook group, but I had to adjust my notification settings because murderers were taking over my newsfeed. It was a murder a minute. All murders, all the time. I like knowing where to go to roll around in the horribleness of humanity but then leaving it there and getting on with my day. If you get bummed out, scrub your blinkers with some r/eyebleach. (This is also why I made a handy list of no-fail things to kick me out of a funk.)

Mystery Show

Light detective work, storytelling, 50 minutes-1 hour 20 per episode

If you’d like more trivial, low-stakes fact-finding missions check out Mystery Show, where amateur sleuth Starlee Kine seeks to answer personal mysteries like: Why is Britney Spears holding my not-very-well-received book in this photo? Who owned this belt buckle I found in the gutter when I was a kid, and why does it have a mechanized toaster on it? And, one of my favorites, just how tall is Jake Gyllenhaal, really?

Starlee was a producer on This American Life, so there’s solid storytelling, good structure, and fairly satisfying conclusions. She meets interesting people along the way and approaches each question with the kind of serious research it deserves, even if it’s not the serious research it really needs. Fair warning: Starlee’s voice isn’t the easiest on the ears in my opinion, but the episodes are good if you give them a chance.

Special mentions:

The Moth Podcast

Storytelling, humor, weeping, 30 minutes-1 hour per episode

Similar to The Mortified Podcast, The Moth records their live shows from around the world and assembles them into podcasts for your enjoyment. Each show has one to a handful of stories around a loose theme, and the great majority of them are fantastic. Told by amateurs at open call Moth StorySLAMs, by professionals like Mike Birbiglia, and by well-rehearsed folks at Moth Mainstage Events, each episode can bring you to laughter or tears. Which is why I stopped listening, tbh. Too much open weeping in public. But give it a shot if you don’t mind playing emotional roulette, or maybe save it until you’re in the safety of your home.

Pod4Ham

HAMILTON, 10-30 minutes per episode

Varying groups of—experts? interested folks? knowledgeable fans?—talk about the Hamilton Original Broadway Cast Recording, one song at a time. This will probably only be interesting to Hamiltrash, although it’s not particularly revealing if you’ve taken the deep-dive into Hamilton madness already. Maybe worth a listen if you’re not sure what all the madness is about? But the episodes are short, and it’s fun to listen in and maybe get a few new perspectives. Mostly I shout at the panelists, pretend that I’m part of the conversation, and have a sing-along when the episode is over.

When You Wish Upon a Podcast

Disney, 1-1.5 hours per episode

My cool friend Amanda and her brother are watching every Disney movie, in chronological order! In each episode they discuss the plot, compare the story to the book/tale it was based on (if applicable), play a themed game, talk about theme park tie-ins and choose their favorite unnamed background character. And more! They already have 18 episodes but we’re only up to 1953 so there’s plenty of time to catch up and watch along. Can’t wait for the late ’80s, only 140 or so movies to go!

The post Media rant: Podcasts appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

But as I got further and further into the article, I got angrier and angrier and didn’t really know why. Until it clicked—this article was written for extroverts.

Which is fine. But it didn’t say that anywhere. It just assumed everyone in its audience was an extrovert for whom these tips would be helpful. Or worse: the author didn’t realize he was writing an article for extroverts. Maybe it never crossed his mind that these tips wouldn’t be universally applicable, noted down and gratefully followed by each and every reader.

That’s some damn vert-ism right there. Below are my real introverted reactions to a few of these tips.

Leave a strong first impression.

And his advice on how to do this is basically positive body language… profit? This is a bit like saying, “Just be more memorable, ok?” Totally unhelpful for most introverts. I so often want to leave a good, strong impression on people but the way I’m wired for human encounters, especially of the first kind, is to listen intently, absorb what the other person is saying, process it, and then come up with a response that will connect with them. I mean, I’m not always so very thoughtful, but for important first meetings I am trying hard to understand who this person is and how I can draw a path from their thoughts/experiences to mine.

The sticky, jammy flip side is that, from the other person’s perspective—especially an extroverted person—I am likely to come off as standoffish or uninterested at best, meek and not worth remembering at worst.

A few years ago I was interviewing for an outreach position with a documentary production company. It was entry level, basically contacting people and groups that might be willing to contribute funding, or host screenings, etc. It was the in-person interview after a phone screening, and miraculously I had a big in—the production company was co-sponsoring a documentary I WAS CURRENTLY WORKING ON! The person I was interviewing with WAS FRIENDS with my producer, and my producer FUCKIN’ LOVED ME.

But maybe 20 minutes in, the interviewer threw me for a loop, saying, “I see that you’re on the quiet side, you’re sitting back in your seat, you seem a little low energy right now. Knowing this is an outreach position—how comfortable would you be making calls and sending out messages? You would essentially need to pitch the project and connect with strangers, would you be able to rise to that?”

In hindsight it’s probably a valid question put in a not very gentle way, but at the time I felt like I was slapped in the face. Just, like a jolt of OH SHIT THE SHIP’S GOING DOWN and also WHAT THE FUCK with a dose of how DARE you?

I think I talked about my experience fundraising for other non-profits and my current work building a community around the documentary his SO CALLED friend was making. I’ve applied for this job, clearly I think I can do it. If we’re talking about a project or cause I care about, I’ll talk your damn ear off.

I felt I had to defend my natural state of being and that was a big fat bummer. Introverts are often walking into an interview with a disadvantage, especially in industries and positions where extroverted qualities like salesmanship are favored. But we aren’t usually directly confronted with a question that, to me at least, sounded like, “Uh I see you’re a weirdo introvert. What makes you think you belong here with the other humans?”

In fairness, I do hate cold calls, and I’ve never prized my selling abilities. On performance reviews I always gave myself a lower score on questions about how well you sell the company’s services. But you know what? My supervisors always countered with my soft-selling skills. It’s not as direct, but by providing good service your clients will continue to come back. And in the digital age there are so many ways to contribute to sales—at my current company, I helped rebuild our website, worked on SEO and ad tests, came up with some content marketing campaigns and guess the fuck what? That website has brought in my salary 2x over.

So there. Ya dumb fuck.

Be the first to venture beyond the superficial.

In other words, talk about something a little deeper than your basic bland niceties.

I would guess that for most introverts, this is not a problem. We’re good listeners; it’s kind of our jam. And the whole reason I’m listening so intently during early conversations is so that I can catch some tidbit to glom on to—some topic or fact that I can connect with and offer an interesting response to.

Why? Because I fucking hate small talk. It’s the WORST. I can’t even stand to hear other people’s small talk. Sitting on BART without headphones, surrounded by people making trivial small talk is a miniature mobile hell for me.

Don’t make them regret removing the mask.

Sarcasm, criticism, or jokes that might make the other person feel judged for what they’ve shared are major faux paus.

Uh, if you take away my ability to be sarcastic and make jokes, then I literally have nothing to commit myself to your memory. Remember in middle school when they asked everyone in your class to write one adjective about every student in your class? I got like 17 “Nice”s. “Nice” is a nothing response. “Nice” isn’t memorable. “Nice” is how you describe something you know nothing about. Your boyfriend I’ve said four words to seems nice. Once I drove through Salt Lake City, it was nice. Haven’t read much about it, but the eventual heat death of the universe sounds nice.

And toasty.

Sarcasm and jokes are a fundamental part of my personality. I’m not gonna tear you a new one right after introductions, but for a lot of introverts, humor is the safest way to connect. The best way I’ve found to quickly suss out whether a person I’ve recently met will understand me, whether there’s potential for a real connection, is to subtly slip a few jokes into the conversation. If I lob a jocular comment over the wall and they don’t pick up on it, no harm done. I just move on with niceties until I can GTFO. But if they catch it, respond with a laugh or—even better—with another joke, well then. You’ve got yourself a stew.

A potential friendship stew.

Smile.

MAKE ME.

Don’t make it a contest.

Again, I feel like a proclivity for one-upmanship is more of a problem for extroverts.

Their accomplishments and life experience sneak up on you and make you feel the urge to make yourself look just as good (if not better).

I learned way late in life that extroverts are sometimes uncomfortable in social situations too. It’s just that, where my social awkwardness manifests as receding into myself and getting even quieter, theirs is projected as word vomit. Which is often about themselves, if they have nothing better to talk about.

Although, maybe that’s unfair. Maybe it’s more a problem for certain people. People with low self-esteem, usually. Whenever this happens in front of me I just want to say, “It’s ok, little buddy. I’m very impressed. Don’t try so hard.”

Turn off your inner voice.

This point, this final tip is the one that really pushed me over the edge into definitely not a rage stroke. The space between every sentence is filled with the sentiment “FUCK YOU INTROVERTS YOU’LL NEVER FIT INTO NORMAL SOCIETY.” So I will shout back at those spaces. Into the unfeeling abyss, probably, but it will make me feel better.

One giant thing that keeps us from connecting with other people is that we don’t really listen.

See earlier shouts. I listen intently.

Instead, we’re thinking while the other person is talking.

I can do both, you linearly-programmed Cold War-era robot.

We’re so focused on what we’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect us down the road that we fail to hear what’s really being said.

Ok, no. Not what I’m doing. The process for many introverts is: You talk, I internalize what you’re saying, I plan what my response will be, I give my response. We feel most comfortable when we are able to process before talking. And in order to keep a normal flow of conversation we have to multitask. Or there would be a lot of… pregnant…

…

… pauses.

The words come through loud and clear, but the meaning is lost.

Again, no it is not. I HEAR YOU. I’m trying to figure out what you’re saying. I GET IT.

You must turn off this inner voice if you want to connect deeply with people.

LITERALLY THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR INTROVERTS. Or necessary. Or advisable, even. This is casually suggesting I change the fundamental mechanism through which I carry out most of my voluntary responses. Just real quick.

The more problematic part of this statement is the “must.” Suggesting that if you cannot silence that pointless inner voice you are doomed to a life of miserable solitude, sitting forever alone at lunch with no one but your internal monologue to share your Gushers with.

There is a right way to connect deeply with people, and you are simply not capable of doing it.

On the dry, crusty flip side: If you can hide your gross introversion and force yourself to go against your own nature, then you might just be able to win friends and influence people.

Just kidding.

You know what’s a great way to connect with people? However you feel most comfortable doing so. Or not doing so. Introverts make deep as fuck connections when we want to, we just do it our own way. It’s no better or worse, just different. Let us do our thing, and you do you, and we’ll all do our things and do our us’s in a beautiful multi-verted orgy of deep love connections.

The post How to connect with anyone appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

Seemed like an interesting article that might perhaps motivate me to write stuff. Guess it motivated me to just take screenshots of stuff instead.

I’ve been trying to consciously share more positive, funny, and/or adorable shit on social media these days to combat the steaming stream of crap that’s out there.

And I mean, this story is just the best.

I would go to a lot more tennis matches if they all had ball dogs. Mildly interesting fact: I used to go to the semi-finals of a pro-Tennis championship every year. For some reason I wrote a lot of limericks about it. Like this incredibly accurate one about my favorite player of all time, Gustavo Guga Kuerten:

There once was a man named Guga.
He lived in the town Chattanooga.
He always played tennis
With Dennis the Menace,
And he worshiped the God they call Buddha.

I’ve succumbed to Hamilton fever. I’ve spent many an enjoyable hour on Genius.com reading through annotations about its historical accuracy and rap/pop/musical theater influences–some from the Genius Lin-Manuel Miranda himself! So many nuggets.

You guys, it’s coming to San Francisco next year. This is not a drill.

The code word is Jean-Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur, comte de Rochambeau. Dig me?

I was hoping this would tell me why Rock-Paper-Scissors is called Rochambeau in some regions of the U.S. It did not.

 
Should I be taking probiotics? Can they possibly solve all the problems they say they do? What kind should I take? How much is too much bacteria? What if they evolve and build tiny civilizations in my tummy?

Various parts of my body seem to be slowly giving up on me and I hate going to the doctor. It sucks getting old. 2/10 would not recommend to a friend.

 
More research on at least appearing less old. It sucks being a human woman. It takes up so much time and money.

Can we also talk about how gross “Drops of Youth” sounds? Vampiric, right? Whatever, I was totally sold on the use of the adjective “bouncy” and the ingredient “Edelweiss stem cells.” Just put it on before bed while a young Christopher Plummer croons you to sleep.

Richard and I are thinking about breaking into sports commentary. But only the games we want to watch, i.e. Golden State Warriors basketball. And we’re only moderately informed on game rules, players from other teams, and strategy. #DubNation

Pop/rap songs sung in smarmy lounge style? At the historic Bimbo’s 365 club? I am 100% excited about this. It’s going to be deliciously cheesy.

Share yours if you like! I shall relish your response.

The post Browser Tab Bingo Update appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.

And when I need a break from all of those toxins, a quick hit of emotional superfruit to boost my system, I have a few go-tos that are guaranteed to do the trick every time. I share them here, hoping you will share your own, and maybe together we can ever-so-slightly shift the world’s emotional spectrum to the happy colors.

@acoustictrench

Disembodied hands play popular songs on acoustic instruments while the most goddamn beatific dog chills hard nearby. Every time I see a new post I sigh with relief. It’s so relaxing. If he made a video album of songs I would buy it in a heartbeat and spend a day detoxing with that gorgeous dog. I’d pay any amount of money to join that dog’s ashram. I’d follow that yogi dog over mountains, in the snow, in Berkenstocks, if she’d just share her secrets.

"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been.." Lucky by Jason Mraz w/ Maple

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on Jul 17, 2015 at 4:48pm PDT

Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House w/ Maple (I posted the Guitar Tabs at TrenchTabs.com )

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on Jul 21, 2015 at 4:12pm PDT

Colors Of The Wind from Pocahontas on a Harp w/ Maple "Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?"

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on Oct 15, 2015 at 2:45pm PDT

Maple (Original Music)

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on Nov 16, 2015 at 5:14pm PST

Maple got another elephant in her @barkbox!! (Visit BarkBox.com/Maple to get an extra month of BarkBox)

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on Sep 30, 2015 at 12:26pm PDT

The full video w/ Maple is now on YouTube at YouTube.com/AcousticTrench! See You Again

A post shared by Trench (@acoustictrench) on May 23, 2015 at 8:33am PDT

@dog_rates

I find this Twitter account endlessly amusing. Total nonsense plus a lot of made up rules plus ongoing sagas, with pictures of doggies. And a fake feud with goats.

This is Pipsy. He is a fluffball. Enjoys traveling the sea & getting tangled in leash. 12/10 I would kill for Pipsy pic.twitter.com/h9R0EwKd9X

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) November 19, 2015

Endangered triangular pup here. Could be a wizard. Caught mid-laugh. No legs. Just fluff. Probably a wizard. 9/10 pic.twitter.com/GFVIHIod0Z

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) December 18, 2015

Meet Pubert. He's a Kerplunk Rumplestilt. Cannot comprehend flower. Flawless tongue. 8/10 would pat head approvingly pic.twitter.com/2TWxg0rgyG

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) January 17, 2016

Another spooky pupper here. Most definitely floating. No legs. Probably knows some dark magic. 10/10 very spooked pic.twitter.com/JK8MByRzgj

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) December 19, 2015

This is Kenneth. He's stuck in a bubble. 10/10 hang in there Kenneth pic.twitter.com/uQt37xlYMJ

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) December 14, 2015

Day 13 in the bubble: Even my thoughts are rainbow-tinted

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) December 26, 2015

This is Jerry. He's a neat dog. No legs (tragic). Has more horns than a dog usually does. Bark is unique af. 5/10 pic.twitter.com/85q7xlplsJ

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) January 7, 2016

Dear Goats,

You've been misinformed.

Sincerely,
WeRateDogs@EverythingGoats

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) January 7, 2016

Often, Reddit is both the problem and the solution. Far be it for me to tell you what you’ll like in the infinite Reddit universe, but the following subreddits are my favorites for good feels.

r/aww

This is a no-brainer. Your one-stop shop for all the cute shit. Cats, dogs, babies, small lizards, nudi-branches for some reason—you name it, they got it. It’s very popular, which means it is constantly updated, so you can binge on adorable shit to your heart’s literal content.

Fighting off sleep

View post on imgur.com

I’ll get you one day Snow White

ITS MY BIRTHDAY !!!!

Sneaky Paws.

Cat is given title of “Most Awful Sleeping Face in Japan”

r/eyebleach

Similar to r/aww, this subreddit is literally just there for when you’ve looked at something awful and need to  scour your eyes with something really cute.

r/upliftingnews

Another no-brainier for when you need, you know, news that’s not going to make you question whether the whole idea of humanity was such a good idea. Qualifier: A lot of uplifting news starts out very sad, because it’s gotta be lifted up from somewhere.

r/stoppedworking

Just a lot of funny gifs of animals that forgot how to animal. Usually involves ice cream. Bonus: computer puns.

View post on imgur.com

Cat trying to jump on waxed floor

Doge.exe has stopped working

Kitty Brain Freeze

r/bestof

Posts and comments and interactions collected from all over Reddit—often very thoughtful, compassionate discussions. There are some amazing stories of people helping people, uncanny coincidences, chance encounters and those small, but amazing little miracles that prove humans can be really, really good to eachother. Even anonymously, on the internet.

Guy complains that his wife’s wearable heartrate monitor has been registering too high for a few days, and asks for help with troubleshooting. Turns out it was a very different hardware problem than originally expected …

Two users end up together due to being each other’s secret santa.

American OP trying to fulfill 88 y.o. Grandma’s wish to gather info on her brother who died in France during WWII asks with little hope for French users to take a photo of his grave. User provides photo, another does research and gives precious info about Great Uncle.

I hope that helps. I feel better already.

Share your faves if you feel so inclined.

The post Instant boost appeared first on The Extraordinarily Ordinary.