This morning, while I was walking around downtown, I saw several of you wandering the streets in skinny jeans.  Guys, you really need to stop it.  Trust.  I realize that you think you look like this:

You don’t, though.  Most of you look very, very weird in skinny jeans.  Some of you resemble [...]]]>

Dear All Straight Men:

This morning, while I was walking around downtown, I saw several of you wandering the streets in skinny jeans.  Guys, you really need to stop it.  Trust.  I realize that you think you look like this:

You don’t, though.  Most of you look very, very weird in skinny jeans.  Some of you resemble a potato on toothpicks, a few seem to be in costume as the kid from Diary of a Wimpy Kid (with the Cheese Touch, based on how all the women were avoiding you), and I thought one of you was a girl until I saw the hairy legs.  Next time you put on your skinny jeans and think you look good, remember that you actually look like this:

Don’t do this to society OR to yourself.

Love,

Julie

ADDIE J [snuggled up to some Taggies]: MMMM, Daddy!  These smell good now, because they’re stinky again!

[Spoiler: no.  They don't.]

******************

JULIE: Oh hey, look, Dave: you know how there’s so much written on the calendar that we can never figure out [...]]]>

[About two days after Dave forcibly confiscated Addie J's Taggies and washed them over her strenuous objections]

ADDIE J [snuggled up to some Taggies]: MMMM, Daddy!  These smell good now, because they’re stinky again!

[Spoiler: no.  They don't.]

******************

JULIE: Oh hey, look, Dave: you know how there’s so much written on the calendar that we can never figure out whose appointments are whose?

DAVE: Yep.

JULIE:  Well, look what I did!  I color-coded the calendar!

DAVE:

JULIE: Look!  My stuff is purple, yours is green, Cammy’s is bl… why are you laughing? ……  Why are you laughing?? …… oh my god, you are such a jackass!  Why are you laughing?!?!!!?

DAVE [between snickers]: Okay.  Let’s pretend I’ve been home all day and you’ve been at work all day.  You sit down and I tell you proudly, ‘Look what I did today, baby!  I color-coded the calendar!’ [snickers continue] And then you look…. and there’s different… colors…. all over the….. calendar….. and frigging… HIGHLIGHTERS EVERYWHERE….[hysterical laughter]

JULIE: I cannot stand you.

DAVE: How was it?

JULIE: Fine.  But: what do you think is the significance of the number 42?

DAVE: The number of times you fell down at Expectation Night.

JULIE:

DAVE:

JULIE:

DAVE: Oh, come ON.  You know you fall down all the time. 

JULIE:

DAVE: All the time, [...]]]>

I just returned home from Expectation Night at school, and  Dave and I had the following conversation:

DAVE: How was it?

JULIE: Fine.  But: what do you think is the significance of the number 42?

DAVE: The number of times you fell down at Expectation Night.

JULIE:

DAVE:

JULIE:

DAVE: Oh, come ON.  You know you fall down all the time. 

JULIE:

DAVE: All the time, man!!

JULIE: Go away.  Seriously.

DAVE: [walks away with the hot fudge sundae I just brought him, snickering under his breath]

You know what sucks?  It very well could have been the number of times I fell down.  Damn it.

JULIE [surprised and pleased]: Thanks, swee–

ADDIE [same shocked tone]: I just remembered that!!!

JULIE: Thank you, Addie J.  I love you t00.

[ADDIE J goes in for a giant tight hug and smooch.  JULIE is eating it up and thinks [...]]]>

ADDIE [walking past me, suddenly stops cold and says in tones of total surprise]: Mommy!  I love you!

JULIE [surprised and pleased]: Thanks, swee–

ADDIE [same shocked tone]: I just remembered that!!!

JULIE: Thank you, Addie J.  I love you t00.

[ADDIE J goes in for a giant tight hug and smooch.  JULIE is eating it up and thinks she is surely the best mother in the history of the world.]

ADDIE [in her sweetest and most ingratiating tone]: Can I drink your chai?

I wonder if this is how Dave feels when I give him a big smile and then tell him I forgot to turn the lights out downstairs, plus the dog needs to go outside AND would he get me a glass of icewater while he’s down there……

….and if I were to then discover that my 4-year-old child– who weighed 29 pounds at [...]]]>

…..If I were to buy a box of Frosted Mini-Wheats (because some part of me secretly belongs to AARP and finds them delicious), and then I were to open them, then start grading papers and lose track of the box….

….and if I were to then discover that my 4-year-old child– who weighed 29 pounds at her doctor visit last month– had eaten 35%  50%  okay, 75% of the box by herself…..

…… should I just take her to a hotel, check in, and wait for the, shall we say “storm,” to pass?

I hate you.

Hugs and kisses,

Julie

************************

Dear Lovely Little Vegan Cafe Where I Bought Two “Chocolate Brownie” Cupcakes Last Night:

Zucchini + applesauce does [...]]]>

Dear People Who Came Up With Moshi Monsters, an Online Game Where Kids Can Create Their Own Lovable Monster and Then Spend Every Moment of Their Time Caring for This Thing to Keep it Alive:

I hate you.

Hugs and kisses,

Julie

************************

Dear Lovely Little Vegan Cafe Where I Bought Two “Chocolate Brownie” Cupcakes Last Night:

Zucchini + applesauce does not = chocolate. 

Also, to avoid future confusion: brown does not necessarily = chocolate.

Try again,

Julie

A little history for you: in my former [...]]]>

So the other day, I came home and Dave was looking all smirky about the face.  I spent 5 minutes trying to ignore it and then was like, “For the love of god, WHAT already?!?!?!”  ….And he whipped out a catalog that came in the mail for me.

A little history for you: in my former life, before I had a family and a mortgage, and my friends and I literally went out every single night, I used to love to shop.  Like, for myself– instead of what I do now, which is still shop a lot… only for milk or new soccer cleats or crickets for the lizard, ad infinitum.  And so I used to get a gajillion catalogs in the mail (including International Male.  Holy crap, I loved that thing.  I would call my friend Todd, who also got International Male, and we’d flip through it together over the phone and brainstorm scenarios in which Todd would actually wear the outfits.  In fact, I defy you to click that link, look at the Chakra Lounge Hoodie, and fail to be absolutely delighted).  At first I got mostly legit catalogs… then some weirder stuff crept in…. then there came a point at which I was getting catalog catalogs.  Like, a catalog from which I could order– and would actually pay for– more catalogs.  At that point, I threw in the towel.  I spent like six months taking myself off all mailing lists.  I was polite but brutally honest: “Your bedding is actually really ugly,” I would say.  Or, “I cannot stand cats, so I will not be owning any cats for which I could then buy your cat toys.”  Or even, “Because I’m not a retiree, am fully ambulatory, and do not need a wheelchair.”  I like to think it was my honesty that won the day: I eventually stopped getting anything but The Pennysaver, which as far as I know you must by law continue to receive until death.

But then The Pyramid Collection floated from the heavens and landed gently in my mailbox.  “What the hell is this on the cover?  Is this a floor-length paisley velvet cape?!?”  I said, taking it from Dave’s outstretched hand.  I read the little intro aloud: “Dear Friends, The signs are subtle– and gradual.  A sudden, indefinable thirst arising at the hour of twilight… that slight itching of the palms with the riding of a full moon… an unaccountable preference for shade over sunlight… All Hallows approaches.”

I swear to you on my Pyramid Collection catalog: that’s what it said.

So this thing is just filled with awesomeness: an enameled dragon head incense burner, where the incense flows out of the dragon’s nostrils.  The floor-length paisley velvet cape.  (Got that?  It’s a floor-length.  Paisley.  Velvet.  Cape.)  A little Jizo statuette, which is a revered Buddhist entity that watches over women and children– but as imagined by The Pyramid Collection, looks just like Stewey Griffin from “Family Guy.”  It’s as though everyone from Hogwarts and Pirates of the Caribbean met up at a Renaissance Faire.  (And then, randomly, there is a simple and stylish black dress that I think I might need.  Even Jill picked up the catalog and said, “WTF is this?  Is this a floor-length paisley velvet ca—- oooh, I like this black dress on the cover!!”) 

“I knew you would love that thing!” Dave said as I flipped through the pages, occasionally saying things like “Black Widow Shoes!” and, “Personal Power Ring!  Check it– people can buy a Personal Power Ring!!!” 

And I had only one thing to say in return: “I gotta call Todd.”

This is Taylor Momsen, formerly the adorable Cindy Lou Who– and now the worrisome Cindy Lou Who-Is-Looking-After-This-Poor-Girl (see how I did that?).  You guys, she is only 17 years old!!  Does she have no adult to tell her that this “4am Whore” look is not a good idea??   I am literally clutching my pearls over the transformation [...]]]>

Ick.

This is Taylor Momsen, formerly the adorable Cindy Lou Who– and now the worrisome Cindy Lou Who-Is-Looking-After-This-Poor-Girl (see how I did that?).  You guys, she is only 17 years old!!  Does she have no adult to tell her that this “4am Whore” look is not a good idea??   I am literally clutching my pearls over the transformation of this girl…. this is just alarming and sad.  Listen, kid: lose the cynicism, take out those slutty extensions and put on some pants.  I promise you, you’ll feel so much better.

Meanwhile: you have just caused me to be about 500% more overprotective of my own daughters.  They’re wearing snowsuits year-round from here on out.