Sparxxx, who is known for his ‘Deliverance’ of goals and not afraid to win ‘Ugly,’ will not be eligible for league play until passing a physical. It is unclear when this status might change as the team nutritionist is working of changing Sparxxx’s diet of Hennessy and pork rinds.

An unnamed source within the team remains skeptical of Sparxxx’s skills in scoring. “Yeah, he’s big, and can play with his back to the goal, but look at “Ms. New Booty,” he couldn’t have put that in without the Ying Yang Twins guesting on it. What’s he going to when Burch’s crosses go sailing over his head into stands? The man needs good service, and he’s nothing without it.”

D.C. United used a little known league rule to gain a win (and 3 points) on the road in New England last night.

According to Rule 30.1.a.100, a team make earn a victory even when outscored in the game if a national news outlet declares you the winner.

There are only five lessons at the Marcelo Balboa Camp for Hair and Soccer:

1. Rinse, Lather, Repeat and always use conditioner before big games.
2. If you’re in the wall, JUMP fool!
3. Take the second yellow whenever you can. That way you won’t miss the quarterfinal game . . . that your team didn’t qualify for.
4. The key to soccer is knocking-it-around and pulling the strings. (This also can apply to �?? ah - personal time in the bathroom and/or yo-yoing.)
5. If the conversation wanes to uncomfortable silence just blurt out “that’s better” or “that’s much better.” Everyone will nod knowingly.

MLS’s new web sponsor, cashforgoldusa.com, is part of a dual marketing effort aimed at both the league’s underpaid young players and fans.

League officials claim the deal is the result of months of aggressive sales efforts and bolsters the league’s brand.  “We worked really hard to line this deal up,” explained Jim Campbell VP for Digital Media Sales.  “I personally watched hours of late night infomericals looking for the perfect partner for MLS’s web properties.”

“Everyone knows gold is the gold-standard of precious metals,” Campbell added.  “MLS is the number one soccer league in the U.S. and cashforgoldusa.com is ‘America’s number one refiner’ of gold. It’s a perfect match of elite brands.”

The average salary for MLS players with a “development” contract is less than $13,000 a year; an amount that is dramatically lower than the average household income of most MLS markets.  (The average household income for the Washington DC Metro Market is $78,034.)   As a result, many players are in constant search of additional income and welcome the league’s help.

“Oh, I plan on digging through my mother’s dresser, tonight,” offered Jeff Carroll.  “She’s got all this stuff she never wears.  That’s cash money right there, baby!  I will be able to eat in August!”

The program is also popular with veteran players.  “I’m gonna send ‘em some of my old bling,” explained Santino Quaranta. “You know, I got some stuff that reminds me too much of my wild days.  Gonna ship it off and buy my baby girl something nice, like a really great gold necklace.”

The league is hoping fans also participate in the program.  “Who hasn’t been a little short when going to buy your fifth, $10 stadium beer of the night?” Campbell offered.  “Selling some of your wife’s of girlfriend’s gold for cash is the perfect solution.”

League officials say more advertisers are lined-up for next month.  “This John Beck guy says you can make as much as $94,000 on your first deal!  That’s obviously a premium brand that we want associated with MLS,” Campbell said.