The Fat Film Guy

The Big Summer Movie Preview

2013-04-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

If you didn't know the date and you saw that a big Tom Cruise Sci-Fi Action/Adventure movie was opening this weekend wouldn't you assume it was the middle of summer? What about a Michael Bay Oblivion and Pain & Gain (both of which are good, by the way) are serving as great reminders that the Summer movie season is coming up fast. What does the Summer of 2013 look like? Here is all you need to know:
movie starring Mark Wahlberg and The Rock? Well, we are still very much in April but

The Summer Of The Geek Part 3*

Iron Man 3 May 3rd

Can Tony Stark beat The Avengers all by himself (all due respect Roady and Pepper)? No, probably not. The Avengers was not only a terrifically fun movie it also had the advantage of coming out on the heels of the worst April for movies perhaps of all time. We were, as a movie going public, starving for something to see and that helped fuel The Avengers to shatter all sorts of records. Then The Avengers took advantage of one of the worst May movie line-ups in recent memory to keep on going. Iron Man 3 is following one of the best April's in recent memory and a May slate that seems loaded. Having said that this is still Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark and that means Iron Man 3 will almost certainly be the biggest movie of the summer and the year (unless Catching Fire can build upon The Hunger Games and at this point it is scary to bet against Jennifer Lawrence). So, we can expect a box office behemoth that is a lot of fun and will remind us why sits atop the geek world now and for the foreseeable future.

Man of Steel June 14th

Can it finally be happening? 33 years after the last good Superman movie. 35 years after Richard Donner's Superman became the first great comic book hero movie. Could we actually see a good Superman movie again? I don't want to jinx it but I would be lying if the trailers aren't really starting to make it look that way.

Wolverine July 26th

X-Men Origins: Wolverine gets unfairly labeled as a creative disaster. It wasn't. However, like Ed Norton's The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine's stand alone debut was only entertaining and entirely forgettable and extremely profitable. Now comes the second go at making a Wolverine movie and it sure looks like they did everything right. The trailers have looked really cool and they seem to be embracing a Wolverine who isn't for kids, a necessity if you want to stay even a little bit true to the comics.

* The original Summer of the Geek was 2008 when Iron Man got the summer started and The Dark Knight blew everyone's mind. Each of the summer's between 2008 and 2012 had a lot of geeky stuff to be sure, particularly the summer of 2011 which brought us seven major releases based on comic book titles (Thor, X-Men First Class, Priest, The Green Lantern, Captain America, Cowboys & Aliens and Conan the Barbarian) plus a Planet of the Apes movie, the problem with 2011 was that it was a summer owned by the last Harry Potter film meaning the geeks can't claim it as their own. The Summer of the Geek Part 2 was 2012, The Avengers would have made it that all by itself but when you add The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spider-Man it becomes indisputable. 2013 is looking more like 2011, just without a Harry Potter movie to steal the geeks thunder and comic book films that are bigger than anything that came out that year.

Wait! What If I Am A Sci-Fi Geek?

Star Trek Into Darkness May 17th

As if to prove my point about May's movie line-up we get the next Star Trek movie only two weeks after Iron Man 3. I thought J.J. Abrams last Star Trek was not only the second best Star Trek movie it was one of only two good Star Trek movies (Wrath of Kahn is still the best). The previews make this seem like it may be even more action heavy and anyone who watches BBC's Sherlock (and you all should) is excited about seeing Benedict Cumberbatch play the villain. It seems a reasonably safe bet that this will be the third good Star Trek movie.

After Earth June 6th

This movie has me a little bit worried. I truly can't put my finger on it. Oh, wait, now I remember, this movie is an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Look, I love Will Smith as much as the next guy (I saw part of Hitch the other night on TV and wondered why he doesn't make another rom-com, he was really good as the romantic lead), but take a look at The Sixth Sense directors last few films:

The Last Airbender
The Happening
Lady In The Water
The Village
Signs
Unbreakable

The movie he did before Unbreakable was The Sixth Sense. I can't think of any actor or director whose downward path as been as consistent as that. Literally every movie is worse than the one before it. I can not imagine After Earth will be worse than The Last Airbender... it couldn't be, right?

World War Z June 21st

This was supposed to come out last fall but the release date was pushed back to allow for some reshoots and added CGI. That is usually not a great sign and I think a lot of people have been prepared for this to be dreadful until they saw the trailers. The trailer isn't mind blowing or anything, but it reminds me of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailers from a few years back. You watched that trailer, saw the apes attacking, and said to yourself "looks like they got it right." You watch the World War Z trailer, see the zombie apocalypse and think the same thing, "looks like they got it right."

Pacific Rim July 12

This may be the movie I am most excited for. Having said that Prometheus was the movie I was most excited for last summer, so there is your grain of salt. Giant robots fighting monsters! Come on, how awesome is that!

Elysium August 9th

If you haven't seen District 9 go watch District 9. After you watch District 9 and you learn that the same writer and director of that film is the writer and director of this film you will be really excited about seeing Matt Damon in this tale of the future of the have's and the have not's.

What About The Kids?

Epic May 24th

From the creators of Ice Age and Rio. If you have kids you've seen this trailer, the one where the girl gets shrunk and finds herself in the forrest with all the the little creatures who are fighting to protect it. You know, that one. Will it be fun and entertaining? Sure, why not. Will it be Pixar good? Of course not, don't be silly.

Monsters University June 21st

Last year, before Brave came out, I did some number of write-ups about Pixar, including ranking all of the Pixar movies. I printed my rankings of the films and my the 8 year old son's rankings and my sister-in-law got her boys to do their rankings as well. As you can imagine, as is the case whenever you do rankings, there was quite a bit of discrepancy and a lot of people who thought we were all wrong. What surprised me, bring this back to this movie, was how universally high people had ranked Monsters, Inc. I had always thought of it as a kind of second tier Pixar movie, there with It's A Bugs Life and Cars but not on the Toy Story/ The Incredibles/Nemo level (I put Wall-E and Up kind of in their own category), but most people that sent me their Pixar lists had Monsters, Inc. in the top 3 or at least the top 5. Not saying I disagree, just saying I am surprised. Anyway, Pixar, Mike and Sully are back, what's not to love? Having said all of that, the re-release of Monsters, Inc. 3D last Christmas was a HUGE disappointment, so maybe my sample size was too small to draw any real conclusions about the affection for Mike and Sully and the rest of the gang.

Despicable Me 2 July 5th

Well, I now know what I will be doing for part of my 4th of July holiday. I didn't think the first one was great. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. But man alive did my son love it. He will drag my wife and I to see this movie. By the way, we will be far from alone. Most prognosticators are putting Despicable Me 2 in the 3 or 4 slot for biggest box office hit of the summer.

Turbo July 19th

A freak accident might just help a snail achieve his biggest dream, to win the Indy 500. Dreamworks animation is not Pixar, but they do really consistently put out entertaining movies. In fact, in the last decade the closest thing they have had to a bomb was Flushed Away, which is a pretty entertaining little movie (Rise of the Guardians has been called a bomb by many, but the movie has grossed over $300 million world wide, I think bomb might be the wrong word). So Turbo will be fun and funny and your kids will love it.

The Smurfs 2 August 2nd

I know that I am a little too old, so I missed the whole Smurfs thing when it was a cartoon, but if the cartoon is as unwatchably, painfully dreadful as the first movie was then I am confused. I can't make it through more than two minutes of the last Smurfs movie when it is showing on the TV's at Costco. If you liked the first one I am sure this will be more of the same.

Planes August 8th

This is important, Planes is NOT a Pixar movie. Planes comes from DisneyToon Studios, the people who make all of those direct to video movies for Disney, like Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue and Mulan II. In fact, they have already announced a Planes 2, whether it will be direct to video or in a theater likely depends on how this does in August.

What If My Kid Is A Little Older Than That?

The Lone Ranger July 5th

This movie is on a bunch of lists for the predicted "bust" of the summer (along with After Earth, The Hangover Part III and World War Z). I suppose that wouldn't shock me, but neither would this being the horribly reviewed movie that becomes a massive blockbuster anyway. In fact, I think that is the more likely scenario. Forget about last summer's Dark Shadows (which did better than you think, particularly internationally), these are the domestic box office totals for Mr. Depp's last six big budget movies:

$241 million (the last Pirates movie)
$334 million (Alice in Wonderland)
$309 million (Pirates 3)
$423 million (Pirates 2)
$206 million (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
$305 million (the first Pirates)

There are two other things those movies have in common. First, they were all massive international hits. Second, with the exception of the first Pirates movie, they were all lambasted by critics. In other words, don't bet against Johnny Depp.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monster August 9th

Rick Riordan's book series is terrific. It is that rare kind of book that kids devour and they are pretty entertaining for the adults too. Having said that Chris Columbus really missed the mark with the first Percy Jackson movie. But wait, having said that the first movie was a pretty solid international hit even if it only did ok at the domestic box office. The movie wasn't bad, but it could have been great. So where does that leave us? Well, Percy and company are decidedly stuck as a poor man's Harry Potter, and while that is too bad because the books don't feel anything like the Potter books, from a box office perspective that is not a bad thing at all. Anyway, I am sure this will painless entertainment if not great entertainment.

OK, Forget The Kids Already! I Want Some Inappropriate Comedy!

Peeples May 10th

NEVER underestimate an African American themed movie that has Tyler Perry associated with it in any way. And this might play more broadly since Mr. Perry isn't in it and instead it stars Craig Robinson, Kerry Washington and David Allen Grier. Those are three really talented, and in the case of Robinson and Grier really funny people. I'm not saying it will be great, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was really good (something I have never said about anything involving Tyler Perry before).

The Hangover Part III May 24th

Ah, the original blockbuster "R" comedy. I think most of us felt like the second one was going back to the well once too often, so what could a third installment be? There are some rumors that it will surprise people (I don't know how), that it won't just be a re-do of the original and that this will remind people why they liked the wolfpack so much. I am dubious (and, for the record, I loved the first one).

The Internship June 6th

For all of the love The Hangover gets, and even though I literally just referred to it as the original, the truth is in 2005 Wedding Crashers was the movie that showed hollywood raunchy and blockbuster could go together. Now we have a re-teaming of many of the people involved in Wedding Crashers with The Internship. The previews make me chuckle, I am a little worried they don't make me laugh.

This Is The End June 14th

Oceans 12 often gets killed by reviewers for feeling like you are watching George and Brad and Matt's vacation video. This Is The End is taking that to a whole other level. James Franco has a party at his house and all of the celebrities you'd think would be there are there...and then the end of the world happens. Yup, that's the whole movie. This could either be hilarious or a disaster of epic proportions. I got to say, I am really looking forward to finding out which one it turns out to be.

Grown Ups 2 July 12th

Was the first one a hit? I always thought of it as kind of the beginning of the end of the box office dominance of Adam Sandler. Maybe I am wrong, let me check...yup. I was wrong. Grown Ups was a $162 million hit. Kind of shocking. And I didn't hate the first one, like many a Sandler movie I kind of thought it was what it was. I guess you just can't bet against the sandman.

We're The Millers August 9th

Will Jennifer Aniston ever be a real movie star? What about Jason Sudeikis? It's funny because I, like most people, like them both very much but they never seem to fit quite right into the movies that bring the masses to the multiplexes. Here they aren't even trying to. This is one of those Breaking Bad/Weeds stories where the all-American looking family are pot dealers. It might be funny, it might even be really good, but what it wont be is a HUGE hit.

The To Do List August 16th

Hey, it's August, that means it is time for another raunchy comedy, set in a high school, that has heart. Superbad, Easy A, now The To Do List. Feeling pressured to be more sexually experienced before heading off to college, Brandy... you know the rest.

What About Some Good, Old Fashioned, Hollywood Blockbusters?

Fast & Furious 6 May 24th

Look, by the time any franchise reaches #6 everyone knows whether they are in or out. I am in. I am 1000% in. It is impossible for me to be any more in. In, in, in. The mere thought of this movie puts a smile on my face. Did I mention I was in on the whole Fast Furious thing? Well I am.

The Heat June 28th

This movie was supposed to come out in March. Then Identity Thief became the unlikely hit of the spring and it seemed insane to not put a movie with Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock into the summer rotation. To be honest, the trailers don't really work for me, but hey, what do I know, I didn't think the Identity Thief trailer looked all that great either.

White House Down June 28th

On the one hand you have a red hot Channing Tatum, a red hot Jamie Fox and the director who brought us Independence Day making a big action movie. On the other hand this is the director that gave us 2012 and we just saw the White House go down in Olympus Has Fallen (which was quite entertaining, by the way). So, where does that leave us? With an entertaining "popcorn" blockbuster, that wont challenge Iron Man 3 or Man of Steel for the box office crown but will have enough people show up to make everyone happy.

That's All Fine and Good, But I Like My Movies To Mean Something, To Be Art...

The Great Gatsby May 10th

My wife and I were talking about this just the other day, is The Great Gatsby part of everyone's high school curriculum anymore? From people I have talked to it doesn't seem like it or has been for many years. If you are my age (in your mid 40's) or older you have either read or were supposed to have read The Great Gatsby. But if younger people haven't or were never even supposed to, I have to wonder how many are going to want to see it in stunning 3D. The second and in many ways more pressing problem is that The Great Gatsby has never been made into a good movie and anyone that has read it can kind of see why (some books read like movies, some don't, The Great Gatsby really doesn't). I guess all I'm saying is that I am dubious. Maybe they pulled it off. Maybe the spectacle will be engrossing. Maybe they found a way to translate one of the five greatest American novels of all-time** into something worthy of the book. Maybe, maybe, maybe...but I kind of doubt it.

**In no particular order, The Great Gatsby, Moby Dick, To Kill A Mockingbird, East of Eden and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Before Midnight May 24th

For a certain segment of the population checking in on Jesse and Celine every so often represents one of the great simple joys of their lives. It has been 18 years since Richard Linklater had those two crazy kids meet on a train going to venice and 9 years since they ran into each other again on Jesse's book tour and for many they will anxiously wait another 9 years to see what happens next. By the way, if you haven't seen Before Sunrise and Before Sunset you really should, they are both charming movies, as I am sure Before Midnight is as well.

Much Ado About Nothing June 7th

Joss Whedon does Shakespeare. That either sounds awesome to you (as it does to me) or silly. Of course Much Ado About Nothing is, on some level, a silly play, so it all works. And if you were a fan of Angel the tv show than this will really be the movie for you when you see who the players are.

I'm So Excited June 28th

The latest from Pedro Almodovar. Because it is from Pedro Almodovar you should know that trying to describe the plot would be pointless, so I won't. What I will do is see and thoroughly enjoy this movie. I know this because it is written and directed by Pedro Almodovar and that is all I need to know.

Byzantium June 28th

The latest from Neil Jordan. See description of I'm So Excited and simply replace Pedro Almodovar with Neil Jordan. Boom, all done.

So What Could Possibly Be Left? How About Some Grown Up Geek Stuff? Yup, Graphic Novel Turned Into Movies.

RED 2 July 19th

RED holds a special place in my heart. It was the first review I ever wrote that was published online. Ah, good times. Anyway, I said at the time that RED was a movie about expectations. If you went into it with really high expectations you might find yourself less than thrilled but if you went in with no expectations you'd find yourself pleasantly surprised. RED 2 will be the same way. If you go in looking for nothing more than spending a couple of hours with the characters you got to know last time you'll be golden.

R.I.P.D. July 19th

Another favorite for the "summer bust" lists, R.I.P.D. is Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds doing their best Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith impersonations as police hunting the dead who are haunting this world. Watch the trailer and you will no doubt feel the way I do, this is either going to be silly entertainment or a massive train wreck.

300: Rise of an Empire August 2nd

None of the stars are back Lena Heady (everyone else was dead). The director is busy with Man of Steel (although he did co-write the screenplay). So will you want to go back to ancient Greece to see if Xerxes can actually be defeated? And is there any way this sequel can live up to the original? Expectations Rob, you've got to manage your expectations.

2 Guns August 2nd

There were some original rumors that this graphic novel adaptation was going to be made as a comedy. Then Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg became the leads and the movie became something closer to a straight forward two cops against the world movie, which could be fine. Some early buzz is already calling this the surprise hit of the summer. I don't know that I see that, but it wouldn't suprise me if this movie was really good and performed quite solidly.

Kick Ass 2 August 16th

If Kick Ass wasn't my favorite movie of 2010 it was really close. So, it is fair to say I am really excited for the sequel. Will it disappoint me? Sure, probably. But Jim Carrey looks to continue to pile the dark humor on and as long as Hit Girl is in it it can't be bad.

Is That It?

That was 36 movies, and the scary thing is no, that really wasn't it. It is, however, all I am going to do. I'm going to get back to writing my book. Before I go I will say this, this looks like an awesome summer.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Opening March 15th: Not As Good As You Hope...

2013-03-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

Bot Not As Bad As You Fear

Eleven movie open today and frankly I do not have the time to go through all of them. It's a pity too since at least two of them, the Japanese animated feature From Up on Poppy Hill and from Italy Matteo Garrone's follow up to the very good Gomorrah titled Reality, are both supposed to be quite excellent. The rest of the smaller movies are pretty standard art house fare, things like a comedy set entirely in a kitchen titled The Kitchen, Snoop Dog going to Jamaica to immerse himself in Rastafarian culture (how has that not happened before) in the documentary Reincarnated, another doc that follows a boy band I have never heard of around the world called, quite creatively, Mindless Behavior: Around the World and Kristen's Stewart's mom directed a movie about a transvestite run prison called K-11. Like I said, pretty standard indie/art house stuff. As for the bigger name movies, well, as the title of this post says, they are not as good as you might hope but generally aren't as bad as you fear they will be either. Here, I'll show you what I mean...

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Interest Level: 6

Do you remember Date Night? You know, the Steve Carell movie with Tina Fey that look SO good on paper, had some laughs and was ultimately painlessly forgettable if mildly entertaining and you didn't quite regret having wasted the time and money to have seen it in the theater but you definitely thought to yourself "I would have enjoyed that every bit as much six months from now on DVD." That's Burt Wonderstone. Looks terrific on paper, great to see Jim Carrey and Steve Carell together again, has a funny hook and no doubt has some laughs but if this was everything you hoped it was it wouldn't be opening in March (and Olivia Wilde's involvement has to date absolutely precluded greatness). So, if you need to see a movie this weekend because its date night and you have to get out of the house this wont ruin your evening, but if you don't have to go do yourself a favor and wait. With the speed of turn around now this will be out on DVD by Memorial Day anyway.

The Call
Interest Level: 4

Look, nobody loves a good serial killer chase movie more than me and I have long been a card carrying member of the "Halle Berry is the most perfectly gorgeous woman since Grace Kelly" club for the better part of 20 years, so maybe my tepid view of this movie should send up warning signals for those of you who don't feel as I do. By all accounts a by-the-numbers story of a 911 operator who finds herself sucked into the hunt for a serial killer who has kidnapped a more mature Abigail Breslin (think Cellular with a little The Taking of Pehlam 1-2-3 and a healthy dose of Criminal Minds). Halle Berry's wig is simply distracting and it doesn't sound like the movie ever really achieves a sense of doubt about the ending that is necessary to make the tension feel real. I'm sure it isn'd painfully bad, but it may be bad.

Upside Down
Interest Level: 4

Adam and Eden fell in love as teens despite the fact that they live on twinned worlds with opposite gravitational pulls... is there anything else you need to know about this scifi movie? I mean, once they call the two character Adam and Eden doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

Spring Breakers
Interest Level: 6

The likelihood of any given person enjoying this movie is probably quite low. If you are looking to see "Disney" girls gone wild you are probably going to get less of that than you think (there is a massive amount of nudity in this movie but none of the nudity involves Selena or Vanessa). If you are expecting some kind of spring break comedy, you're not going to get that here either. This is a movie from the guy who wrote Kids, whose films include Gummo (not as disturbing as Kids, because almost nothing is as disturbing as Kids, but not as far off as you'd think) and Mister Lonely (a Michael Jackson impersonator meets Marilyn Monroe and goes with her to Scotland to hang out with her partner Charlie Chaplin and her daughter Shirley Temple, and yes it is as weird as it sounds) and Trash Humpers (a film that follows the lives of sociopathic senior citizens in Nashville). In other words, this is not a "hollywood" movie. This is a movie about the dangers of youthful escapism and the "gangster" lifestyle and the romanticizing of having places where we can go and we no longer have to be ourselves or be inhibited by the morality that comes with the context of a life. This is a movie about stuff, hidden in a movie that looks like it isn't about much, and the stuff it is about isn't pretty, even if the actors are.

Conclusion

Oh, I forgot to mention Ginger & Rosa a coming of age story about to teenage girls growing up in London during the Cuban missile crisis (another standard art flick). Spring Breakers may be considered great by some, but most wont like it if for no other reason than it will not be what they expect. The rest will be the kind of movies that come out week after week all year long. not great, not dreadful, just kind of there.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Netflix Top 10: TV Action & Adventure Series

2013-03-13T20:28:00.003-07:00

The truth is that Netflix streaming service has built it's popularity on tv shows more than it has on movies. In many ways Netflix seems to have been built for tv, particularly for shows that are good for "binge" watching (like all of the shows on the list you are about to read). Before getting to the best of the shows Netflix lists as "Action & Adventure" there are three points I have to make.

Their catalog of Action & Adventure shows was so deep that I had to leave off a number that may have had single seasons as good or better than any on this list. Shows like Lost (seasons 1 & 2 are amazing), Alias (agin, the first and second seasons are phenomenal) and Heroes (season 1 is great, it goes down hill after that) all hit tremendous highs but were not able to maintain that level for as long as the shows that made the cut.
There were still too many good shows so I had to cheat (you'll see what I mean)
As always, there were a few shows that I thought Netflix should have included in this category that they did not. In this case mostly Magnum P.I. which would have definitely been on my list.

So, without further ado, here it is, the ten best Action & Adventure tv shows available on Netflix Instant...

10. Star Trek (all of them)

Might as well get the big cheat out of the way right up front. Star Trek has gone from the legitimately good (Next Generation), to the painfully boring (Voyager), to the has potential (Enterprise), to the has some good moments (Deep Space Nine), to the kitschy classic (original series). Clearly I am not a big Trek-y (if I were this would no doubt be #1), but I do appreciate a lot of what Star Trek does and Next Generation is absolutely worth watching for a weekend (as is the original series for comedic value as much as dramatic value).

9. Archer (2009 to present)

I don't think Archer is the best comedy on tv, but it may be the laugh-out-loud funniest (it is between Archer and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, both of which have surpassed South Park, the show that held the title for years). The story of Sterling Archer, spymaster, playboy and son of the head of the spy agency ISIS, is filled with characters and dialogue that comes at you fast, crude, unexpected and hysterical.

Mallory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!

Archer: That's not... a real place.

Mallory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!

Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.

Mallory: Have I made myself clear?!

Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?

Mallory: Yes.

Archer: Then yes.

Sorry, but that is comedy gold and honestly just kind of a random interchange from the show's first episode.

note: if you didn't find that dialogue funny then don't watch Archer, it is not for you.

8. A-Team (1983-1986)

Ah, Clubber Lang... oops, sorry I meant B.A. Baracus... no, wait, Mr. T... whatever, who cares, the point is we miss you and your goofy van and your Mohawk (this show debuted during my senior year of high school and me and the rest of the football team almost immediately went and got mohawks) and your gold chains and your overalls and your sleeveless shirt and your weightlifting belt, we just miss it all. As the recent movie adaptation proved (a movie I liked fine by the way, but no one would claim was great) George Peppard, Dwight Schultz and Dick Benedict were all terrific and yet entirely replaceable, but Mr. T, there will only ever be one Mr. T.

7. Xena: Warrior Princes & Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1994 - 2000)

Xena is really the one here but the truth is there is no Xena without Hercules so you kind of have to include them both. With shows like Legend of the Seeker, Merlin and even parts of the Stargate series syndicators have been trying to replicate the success of Xena and Hercules for over a decade and no one has gotten the level of kitsch and fun and action (and extremely thinly veiled lesbian antics) just right the way these shows did. Maybe they just need to always use New Zealand for this kind of thing.

6. Miami Vice (1984 - 1988)

I wondered if the quintessential 80's tv series held up so I recently watched a couple of episodes and to my surprised delight they still work. Sure, the show can be overly stylized and feel like a music video more than an actual story, but when it is good it is still really good. And no matter what else the one incontrovertible fact is that Michael Mann knows how to make stuff look cool.

5. Walking Dead (2010 to present)

Yes, I like the comics better. Yes, I don't think this is as good as Mad Men or Breaking Bad (another show that is on Netflix but surprisingly not categorized as Action & Adventure) or Justified or Game of Thrones and I even prefer True Blood, although I don't know that I would argue that True Blood is better (it's complicated). Having said all of that Walking Dead is undeniably addicting and has stretches that are, from an Action & Adventure point of view, as good as anything on tv. That makes it more than worthy for the 5 spot.

4. X-Files (1993 - 2001)

The top four were really hard for me to rank and I suspect, as is often the case with lists like this, if I were to do this ranking again in a week the order would be different. X-Files "falls" to #4 solely because of its last three or four seasons. The first four seasons of this show are some of the best and most rewatchable tv of all time. Yes they focus on the conspiracy theories a little more than I would like and often like the "monster" episodes more than the "alien" ones and the movies miss the magic of the series entirely, but go back and watch season 1 again and I will guarantee you will be hooked.

3. 24 (2001 - 2010)

24 feels like it was created for Netflix and Netflix feels like it was created so that you could kill a weekend powering through a season of 24. In fact, if you have a busy week in front of you do yourself a favor and make sure you DON'T start watching a season of 24, because once you start it is nearly impossible to stop. Look, is 24 absolutely absurd? Oh yeah. Is Kim maybe the dumbest character in the history of television? Almost assuredly. If you are so inclined you can find a moment (actually, more often than not multiple moments) in each season where the crisis could have ended with a simple phone call for back up. If you have lived in southern California you can marvel at the impossible speed Jack Bauer and company make it from one end of the city to another and even more improbably out of the city altogether within moments from their downtown location. In short, 24 is as much action fantasy as it is action adventure, but none of that stops it from being perhaps the most perfect binge watching program in tv history.

2. Firefly (2002)

Geekdom unite! Watching an episode of Firefly last week (I doubt I have gone more than a month without watching at least one episode of Firefly in the last three years) I asked myself "would I love this show so much if it had gone on?" I'm not sure I would have. The fact that it is only 12 episodes and that each episode is fantastic is a big part of what I love about Joss Whedon's western/scifi hybrid masterpiece. Firefly is like a spectacular athlete whose career was cut short by an injury, all we remember is the show at its peak and we never had to struggle with any likely inevitable valleys. To put it another way, if Lost ended after 12 episodes it would be in the top two or three of this list. Alias and Heroes would likely be Top 5 at worst if they had been canceled as quickly as Firefly. Maybe Whedon would have defied the odds and kept the quality as high throughout, but maybe he wouldn't have.

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel (1997 - 2003)

Start on a cheat and end on a cheat. Actually, I almost made this a massive cheat by simply naming all of Joss Whedon's shows as co #1 (Dollhouse is available on Netflix too), but I settled on keeping the shows of the same "universe" together and separating out everything else (and no Dollhouse was not close to making the list). The difference here, as apart of the other two times I cheated, is that in the previous two cheats the truth is one of the shows deserved to be in that spot (Star Trek Next Generation would have been #10 for me and Xena: Warrior Princess would have been #7) and I just added the connecting shows so I could add more to the list, but in this instance I don't know that either show would be #1 on it's own. Standing together however they are just unbeatable. If I had to pick one over the other I suppose I would pick Buffy both because it is the original and because it never really had a low point (Angel's Connor storyline gets weirder and weirder and by the time Connor and Cordelia are together it is almost unbearable, fortunately Angel comes back strong in the last season with addition of Spike). Having said that I'm not sure my wife and I have ever enjoyed a tv show together more than seasons 1 & 2 of Angel. We liked it so much that whenever we see J. August Richards or Amy Acker or Alex Denisof or Charisma Carpenter we almost immediately like whatever it is they are on (heck, Angel is as much a reason as any that we still watch Bones each week)... such is the pull of the vampire with a soul.

This Is The End

2013-03-13T07:07:00.003-07:00

By April 1st (or sooner) These Titles Will No Longer Be Available On Netflix Streaming

There is a lot of interesting stuff expiring from Netflix streaming service over the next month. Nothing earth shattering but some interesting stuff none the less. Things like James Coburn's Academy Award winning turn in 1998's Affliction, a young Sean Penn in Bad Boys (from 1983, not the Will Smith movie of the same name) and two movies that were part of my Top 10 Dramas Based On Real Life (which is why I have not included them below) Anastasia and Searching For Bobby Fisher. The silver lining to what is leaving come April is that Xanadu will no longer be available, and we can all be quite thankful for that.

So, without further ado, here's the best of what is leaving. Catch them now or loose them forever.

note: you can see the complete list of what is expiring by going to the Last Chance page.

Metropolitan (1990)

Barcelona is probably the best of Whit Stillman's brand of talky dramedy, but Metropolitan is a close second. A funny look at the decline and impending irrelevance of the "upper class" (although one could argue the upper class made a bit of a comeback in the 00's) and really of the death of the 1980's, Stillman's cast of young actors (the only two you might recognize are Taylor Nichols and Chris Eigeman, two classic "where do I know that guy from?" actors) make the dialogue feel natural. No mean feat given there is a LOT of dialogue. Chuck Klosterman did a piece on Grantland.com recently that described an athlete as sounding "like a brilliant 9th grader who just wrote a research paper...and can't stop talking about it" and that is a description that fits perfectly with Metropolitan and it's babbling debutantes and their dates as they explain the world as they see it... at times insightful but mostly naive (and I am pretty sure that is how Stillman intended it to be).

Slacker (1991)

If Metropolitan showed the end of the 80's Richard Linklater's day in the of the misfits of Austin Texas represents the birth of the 1990's and all of its grunge/counter culture goodness. Any movie that has a character who claims to have a glass slide of Madonna's pap smear (see clip below) and an anarchist who shares his life views with a robber and embraces the title that became such a stigma for kids of the 1990's blows the doors off of what one would call "counter culture" and the genius of Linklater is that he does it all in an almost laid back way.

Ran (1985)

By the time Akira Kurosawa released Ran he was already 75 years old. One can't help but wonder if the age of the legendary Japanese director wasn't part of what made this story of an aging Lord, wanting nothing more than to retire and see his three sons rule his kingdom with loyalty and honor only to be betrayed by his son's greed and lust for power, seem so personal while still being so grand. Ran rightly takes it's place alongside Seven Samurai, Yojimbo and Rashomon as Kurosawa's best, and when a director is as great and as prolific as he was that is a very big statement.

Basic Instinct (1992)

Basic Instinct was always destined to be remembered for Sharon Stone uncrossing her legs and having a lot of pretty graphic sex with members of each sex but the truth is if that is all this movie was it wouldn't have been that successful. Don't misunderstand me, without all the sex and nudity I don't know that this movie is a good enough version of film noir to be remembered, but that's not to say that the story doesn't work (watch the interrogation scene below, don't worry the clip stops before the legs are spread, and you'll see what I mean). This film is a reasonably good, albeit by the numbers, classic femme fatale murder mystery... that also happens to have a whole bunch of attractive naked women having sex with Michael Douglas or sometimes each other. Did I mention there's a lot of sex and nudity in this movie because I don't feel like I have made that point strongly enough.

A Bronx Tale (1993)

DeNiro's directorial debut is a too often forgotten modern gangster movie that while never reaching the heights of Goodfellas is nonetheless really affective in conveying a boy torn between his father, a bus driver, and the dynamic mob boss who takes him under his wing (Chaz Palminteri has never been better than he is here as said mob boss, just watch the clip below where he gives some of the best advice ever about finding the right girl... oh, but don't watch it if you have a problem with profanity because, well, its a mob movie what do you expect?). It isn't earth shattering movie, but its never meant to be one. It is a story, a tale (did you see what I did there?) and it is one that simply works.

Death Wish (1974)

Charles Bronson's wife is murdered and his daughter is brutally raped in his NYC apartment so he does what anyone would do, he goes on a killing spree targeting muggers and street criminals, oh and he's the hero of the movie. Hey, it was the 1970's. Dirty Harry was allowing Clint to exact justice (ok, yes, Harry Callahan was a cop and I suppose that makes a difference) so why shouldn't Charles Bronson get to walk the mean streets of NYC and start cleaning them up (watch the clip below to see how he cleans up the subway)? Honestly, as absurd as one can make this plot sound this is actually a good movie, the sequels are ridiculous but this first one is worth a watch. There is talk of remaking this movie, which will be horrific, but look for it to be coming to a theater near you within the next two years.

Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970)

Better than Midway, which came out near the same time, and light years better than Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor, this is the movie you want to see if you want to see a dramatization of Japan's first strike on the U.S.. For a movie of its time (remember this was before Apocalypse Now changed the tone of war movies from propaganda to condemnation) it is surprisingly honest with the mistakes the U.S. makes that allow the attack to happen. In fact, in our post 9/11 world, this movie feels oddly current as politicians and bureaucrats ignore warnings and refuse to deal with the threats they don't see and reminds us that Pearl Harbor was 9/11.

Trailer Park Boys (2001-2007)

How do you describe Trailer Park Boys to someone who doesn't know what it is? It's a mockumentary of a sort about some petty thieves who live in a trailer park and do some really horrible things, and its hilarious (check out the clip where the producers talk about how the hilarious Ricky). Like a lot of tv series I think the middle years are the best, after they reached their stride and before they become bored, but this is one of those series, like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or South Park or Reno 911, that you can always watch almost any random episode and find yourself crying with laughter even while you are saying to yourself "this is so stupid!"

Two Mules For Sister Sara (1970)

I am not really a huge believer in remakes, particularly if you are remaking a movie that originally had a very dynamic lead performer, because they are generally no win situations. Having said that I have always felt like this story of a prostitute posing as a nun who guilts a hard edged gunslinger to help her get back to her convent (brothel, but he doesn't know that) could really be done again and in the right hands would work. Clint Eastwood and Shirley MacLaine are terrific here and have more chemistry than you would think.

The Warriors (1979)

When I was in high school we used to watch this movie the night before our football games to get us pumped up. "Warriors, come out to play." It still sends chills down my spine. The story of a Coney Island gang that has been framed for the murder or the man and has to cross NYC when every other gang is out for them is over the top and ridiculous and absolutely awesome. Just the whole idea of all of the gangs of New York having different themes and costumes is so laughable and yet absolutely works in the NYC Walter Hill creates here. Of course two years after The Warriors Walter Hill would go on to direct 48 hrs. and forever be known as the man who made Eddie Murphy a movie star, but to me he will always be the guy that gave motivation to high school football teams throughout America from 1980 to 1984.

Opening March 8th: All Of Hollywood's Eggs In One Basket

2013-03-08T20:19:00.005-08:00

Hollywood's Box Office Hopes And Dreams All Seem To Be Riding On Oz, But Will It Be Great Or Powerful Enough?

January and February effectively kill the box office. This is true most every year. The post-holiday hangover that is January isn't made for going to a movie, its made for watching movies at home while you ask yourself "how did we spend THAT much on Christmas, I thought we were being good this year?"And February, well February is cold and dreary and no one wants to go outside. So the box office dies, or to quote Billy Crystal from The Princess Bride it's "mostly dead". You'd think because this near death experience happens annually that no one in hollywood would panic and there wouldn't be a slew of articles written about the calamitous performance of movies like Snitch or Bullet to the Head, but every year those articles are written and you can almost feel the desperation oozing from the left coast. So what happens next? How do the fine folks who put out movies revive their dying patient? Well, there isn't one answer to those two questions. The answer to the second question is simply we need a mega hit. Huge hits work like electrical shocks to the heart, time it right and it can start the thing right up again. As to the first question, what will happen next, the answer is one of two things.

Scenario #1: Hollywood puts out a would be box office juggernaut that actually becomes a box office juggernaut and suddenly all is right with the world (that is what happened last year with The Hunger Games and in 2010 with Alice in Wonderland and in 2007 with 300 and plenty of other times over the years)

Scenario #2: Hollywood's would be juggernaut proves to be a so-so blockbuster, big enough to keep things alive but nowhere near big enough to get things rolling again. Hollywood continues to struggle through spring and prays that the summer blockbusters will perform well enough to make up for four months of pathetic performance (this is what happened in 2011 when Rango was the closest thing to a hit until Fast Five saved the day the last weekend on April or in 2008 when Horton Hears A Who was all they had until Iron Man changed the world)

So you see, in either scenario everything rides on the would be juggernaut and the same is true this year. If Oz the Great and Powerful is everything hollywood hopes it will be then look for G.I. Joe Retaliation and Oblivion to keep the momentum going all the way up until Iron Man 3 keeps Marvel's ridiculous hot streak going. However, if Oz is neither great nor powerful, well than G.I. Joe will have to try to do something it wasn't meant to do, be the jolt that makes everything right again.

Oz The Great And Powerful
Interest Level: 8

The reviews have been slightly better than OK. That isn't meant to be damning praise. The reviews for The Hunger Games were slightly better than OK. The reviews for The Hobbit were simply OK. Better than OK can work just fine IF there is enough excitement going in. That's the real question. We all know that this will be visually cool family fare that aims straight down the middle, taking as few risks as possible with story or character. In short Oz the Great and Powerful will be very good, quite entertaining and not transcendent in any real way. And that is better than OK and worth a trip to the movies. But to the juggernaut question, I just don't know.

Dead Man Down
Interest Level: 8

I realize that I feel about this movie almost exactly as I did about Total Recall last summer. Each have stars that I like and kind of root for because I feel like they should be bigger stars (Colin Farrell in each and Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel in Total Recall and Noomi Rapace here). They each had directors I liked (Len Wiseman last summer and Niels Arden Oplev here who previously directed the Swedish versions of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and its sequels). And they have each received mostly bad reviews. So I suppose my "8" has to be taken with a massive grain of salt. I do wonder if Collin Farrell is coming to the end of his chances to be a real hollywood leading man. He has been stringing together an impressive string of bombs (not artistically, both Fright Night and especially Seven Psychopaths were quite good, but they were still box office bombs).

Beyond The Hills
Interest Level: 6

Art house darling doesn't begin to describe this Cannes award winner from the director who made 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days. Describing this takes words like "naturalistic" and "grueling" and "mesmerized" and other like phrases we use to describe the movies that are about art and don't care about box office. Look, obviously this is going to be a brilliant movie (Cannes award winners almost always are) but it is also one you need to be in the mood for.

The ABC's of Death
Interest Level: 0

No judgement in that, just no interest either. You are either in or out in this horror anthology series that is aimed at and made for the hard core horror fans out there. If you are one nothing I say would change your mind and if you aren't one you'll never watch these anyway.

Don't Stop Believin': Everyman's Journey
Interest Level: 0

Apparently the replace Stephen what'shisname as Journey's lead singer with some guy off the street that sound exactly like Stephen what'shisname. Congratulations?

Emperor
Interest Level: 0

Apparently Matthew Fox and Tommy Lee Jones made a Judgement at Nuremberg-esque movie about the trial of the Emperor of Japan after WWII. That feels like it should have been an HBO movie, doesn't it?

The Silence
Interest Level: 6

I am a little torn here. First it is a nearly three year old German serial killer movie that is just now being released stateside (generally not a good sign when it takes three years to make it across the Atlantic). But then again, it is a German serial killer movie, and I dig serial killer movies (one of my great weaknesses and something I am sure a psychologist would have a field day with). And, it has one of the guys from the Cinemax series Banshee in it, and I love that show! Ah crap, I guess I'll have to get it On Demand now.

Conclusion

All of the eggs in one basket and it's not even easter... did I use that line already? I should really pay more attention while I am doing this. Oh well.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Opening March 1st: Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum I Smell The Blood Of... Blah

2013-03-01T13:37:00.002-08:00

In A Week Filled With Mild Promise We Apparently Get A Lot Of The Forgettable

Of the seven movies opening today do you know how many have been "certified fresh" by RottenTomatoes.com? One. Now in and of itself that isn't really that surprising, in fact of the top 10 movies at the box office last week only three received the "fresh" designation (Silver Linings Playbook, Warm Bodies and Side Effects) and one of those is a classic "the critics liked it but everyone I know who saw it was bored out of their minds" movie (sorry Mr. Soderberg, I have yet to meet or speak to someone who actually enjoyed Side Effects). What is noteworthy about this week's releases is that they are almost universally blah, for lack of a better term. No one is screaming that these are the worst movies ever made or that only a fool would willingly sit through any of them. What people are saying is that they are harmless but devoid of any movie magic. It is too bad because I think we are all getting a little antsy waiting for movies to be good again. I guess we always have next week.

So, given the general apathy that this slate of movies apparently deserves I wont waste any more effort on any of them other than to list them and attach the trailers:

Jack the Giant Slayer

21 and Over

*man, I sooo wanted to talk about how this is the annual kids party movie, like Project X last year, that makes anyone over 30 feel a little guilty when they watch it. But no, I will stay strong and say nothing.

Phantom

** crazy that Ed Harris and David Duchovny can star in a movie together and no one will see it. What has the world come to? I mean this is Fox Mulder we're talking about! This is the Colonel who kidnaps the tourists on Alcatraz and threatens to destroy San Francisco with green balls that make people die these horrible deaths unless you Nicolas Cage and you stick a big needle in your heart and then you are right as rain seconds later. We can't ignore him. And this is a submarine movie. Next thing you're going to tell me is that that ABC submarine TV show was a bomb and is already off the air...

Oops, sorry, I'll keep quite now.

The Last Exorcism Part II

***how do these PG-13 horror flix keep getting made? Don't horror fans want them to just be R rated so they don't feel like they are somehow holding back? I'm just saying...

Right, I'll shut up.

Stoker

****when was the last big budget movie Nicole Kidman starred in that the studio got behind and really pushed? Australia nearly 5 years ago. Crazy, right. I mean we still think of her as a movie star (or at least the E! Network seems to) but she doesn't make "movie star movies" anymore. Her biggest hit over the last half a decade was when she played Jennifer Anniston's rival married to a gay Dave Mathews in Just Go With It...

Ok, ok I'm just saying that is interesting trivia, you don't have to keep shushing me.

The Sweeney

*****btw, the Stoker movie was the only one that was certified fresh, in case you were wondering.

Ginger & Rosa

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

March Movie Preview: Will You Be Seeing The Wizard?

2013-02-28T11:08:00.004-08:00

Oz, Giants, Cartoons Come To Life, The Birth Of Man and The Fall Of The White House...

Who Will Take The Hunger Games Mantle?

Obviously it isn't likely that any movie will be what The Hunger Games was last year, but the truth is March always brings at least one (and often two) big hits that will dominate the Spring movie season. Before The Hunger Games we had Rango in 2011 (it did almost $250 million worldwide and a solid $130 million domestically), Alice in Wonderland in 2010 (over $1 billion worldwide and nearly $350 million domestically), Monsters vs. Aliens in 2009, Horton Hears a Who in 2008, 300 in 2007, well, you get the picture. So who will it be this year? In descending order here are the likely candidates:

Oz the Great and Powerful
Opening March 8th
Stars: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz

The prequel to The Wizard of Oz has Alice in Wonderland size hit written all over it. If you are one who enjoys betting this would be a great long-shot bet for highest grossing movie of the year. It probably wont by that big, but it wouldn't be the most shocking thing in the world if this became a bit of a world wide phenomenon.

Jack the Giant Slayer
Opening March 1st
Stars: Nicholas Hoult, Stanley Tucci, Ewan McGregor

This fairytale re-imagining has not been shy about showing off its visuals (usually a good sign actually) and seems to be generating a fair amount of momentum going into its March 1st opening. Of course I may think that because my 8 year old son can't wait.

The Croods
Opening March 22nd
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Ryan Reynolds, Emma Stone

If my little list of past March box office hits showed anything it was don't sleep on animated features. Let's not forget, if The Hunger Games hadn't conquered the known universe last year we would be talking about the $214 million box office monster that was The Lorax. The Croods is THE animated feature this year and that alone has to put it in the running.

G.I. Joe Retaliation
Opening March 29th
Stars: Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum

When the first G.I. Joe movie came out a few years ago it was one of the worst reviewed movies of all time (literally, I am not saying that for dramatic effect) and people were talking about it as a joke and a sure fire bomb. It went on to gross over $300 million world wide.

What About Movies That Aren't Aimed At Pre-Teen Boys?

I don't see either of these movies as having the massive world wide box office potential of the four movies listed above but don't be surprised if one or more of these do what Safe House and 21 Jump Street did last year.

Admission
Opening March 22nd
Stars: Paul Rudd & Tina Fey

Who cares what the set up is, its Tina Fey and Paul Rudd, right?

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Opening March 15th
Stars: Steve Carell, Jim Carrey

Who cares... actually this set-up looks really funny. Steve Carell and Jim Carrey as dueling magicians, that should be pretty fun.

Olympus Has Fallen
Opening March 22nd
Stars: Gerard Butler, Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Angela Bassett, Robert Forster

The first of two "the White House has been taken!!!" movies in 2013 this looks like a Vince Flynn novel come to life or a big budget episode of 24 (wait, that's the same thing) and neither of those are bad things. Besides, poor Gerard Butler really needs a hit.

The Call
Opening March 15th
Stars: Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin

A plot that sounds an awful lot like Pehlam 1-2-3 or Cellular Halle Berry stars as a 911 operator who takes a call from an abducted girl (somehow the person who abducts her apparently doesn't take her phone away). The studio is giving this a strong push indicating that they think it will play better than the plot sounds.

So, Is That It?

Nope, there is always more. Like...

Spring Breakers
Opening March 22nd
Stars: Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and other cute Disney-esqu stars and James Franco

Not what you think looking at the cast. This is Disney girls gone wild. A bunch a partying college girls rob a restaurant in order to fund their spring break, get arrested and then get bailed out by a drug dealer who wants the girls to do some things for him. Selena Gomez has been vocal telling her fans that this is probably not for them (which of course will get all of her fans to go see the movie). This looks like it could and likely will be an absolute train wreck, the question is whether it will be a wreck you can't take your eyes off of.

The Place Beyond The Pines
Opening March 29th
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Eva Mendes, Rose Byrne

Now that is a cast. This is Gosling teaming up with his Blue Velvet director (a movie he did in 2010 with Michelle Williams that is terrific although decidedly not for everybody) and sounds an awful lot like the plot of Drive (see above comments about Blue Velvet and just replace Drive as the title and Carey Mulligan for Michelle Williams). Those are two really good things for the quality of the movie and really ominous things for its box office potential.

The Host
Opening March 29th
Stars: Saoirse Ronan, Diane Kruger, William Hurt

I know what you were thinking. You were thinking "if only we could have another series of movies based on Stephanie Meyers books only the books were nowhere near as successful, that would be awesome." Well, dream no more. I give you The Host. Wait, I didn't give it to you, you can't blame me for this.

And Finally...

Dead Man Down
Opening March 8th
Stars: Collin Farrell, Noomi Rapace

Yes, I am absolutely in the bag when it comes to Collin Farrell (maybe it is because my wife loves him and I don't want to seem jealous) and I loved Noomi Rapace in the Swedish versions of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and it's sequels, so I may not be objective about this, but I think the story of a NYC hitman who is seduced by the wife of a mob boss' victim and pulled into a deadly battle on the streets of New York looks like it could be cool. It probably wont be, but it looks like it could be. A man can hope can't he?

Conclusion

March brings with it Spring and the real birth of the movies of 2013. Will any of these be remembered in 10 months? Maybe, just maybe.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Happy Anniversary To Me

2013-02-27T13:22:00.001-08:00

TheFatFilmGuy.com Turns 1 This Week... I Know, Who Cares

I have now been writing about movies for a year. Well, that isn't really true, I had written about various movies from time to time before March 1, 2012, so what is this really an anniversary of? I know, I have now been openly calling myself fat for an entire year. Hooray for me! It kind of seems like an odd thing to celebrate now that I "say" it aloud (which is to say write it on a public site). Sadly, although I had every intention of making the name an ironic one through weight loss, I weigh exactly what I weighed a year ago. No matter, that is kind of the way life works as we get older, we may still dream of quick and big changes as we did when we were young but we soon remember that change doesn't happen quickly and a lot of change isn't all that it is cracked up to be...

WHAT AM I DOING! THIS IS A SILLY MOVIE WEBSITE, NOT DR. PHIL!

OK, how to celebrate one year of goofing around and writing about movies? Well, I guess I should ruminate on what I have learned. I started this site with no ambition, somewhere in the middle I developed misplaced ambition, and fortunately I remembered that this is only worth it when I am having fun and so that is what I have done, I have had a lot of fun. To me it is a kick to think about movies, to talk about movies, to ramble on about movies and that is what I have loved about doing this little thing. Part of what has been so fun are the things that have surprised me, so I suppose that is the only way to celebrate turning one, to point out the most surprising things that have come out of doing TheFatFilmGuy.com*.

*Obviously I am aware that this represents the height of narcism. No one else knows or cares that my little website has been going on for a year and why should they. Still, I should write about something this week so why no write about this.

Surprise #1: Man There Are A Lot Of Movies Made

The first post I ever did for this site was my inaugural "opening this weekend" post where I preview all of the new releases each week. Over the last year I have previewed 454 movies. Quick math will let you know that that means I have previewed on average more than 9 movies each week. Crazy right? 9 movies opening in theaters every week, it's insane. But you want to know what is really nuts? According to BoxOfficeMojo.com over the last year 638 movies were actually released. That means that there were 184 movies that I missed when I was doing my research each week as to what was opening that Friday (the only one that I think I had even heard of when I was looking at it earlier was 2016 Obama's America which actually ended up grossing $33 million, I guess I need to watch more Fox News). For those who have been regular readers this is nothing new to you, I have been rambling on and on about this for much of the last year. The thing is, as much of a movie fan as I was before I started doing this I still had no clue it was that many movies and even now whenever I write about it I am shocked.

Surprise #2: I Could Have Never Guessed What People Would Read

A little over a month ago I wrote an Arnold versus Sly post. I try to never write with the thought that this subject will generate a lot of readers or this one won't, I try to just write about what I find fun in that moment and let the chips fall where they may, but I did suppose that an Arnold versus Sly thing would be kind of popular. Just over 500 people have read that post (on the low end for my stuff generally). Conversely a thing I wrote about the firing of Rich Ross, the Disney executive who was let go in the wake of the bomb that was John Carter, had over three times as many readers and that was back when many fewer people came to TheFatFilmGuy.com on a regular basis. I just never know what is going to find an audience except for the lists (Top 10, Top 25, Top 100 lists always do well), but even then...

Surprise #3: How I Made A Name For Myself In The World Of Pornography

The first list I ever made, inspired by The Hunger Games, was my list of the Top 50 Book To Film Adaptations (Apocalypse Now was #1). Then I did the Top 50 Sports Movies (Hoop Dreams was #1). In fact, over the last year I have done Vampire movies (The Lost Boys was #1), Science Fiction movies (Blade Runner was #1), Comic Book movies (Tim Burton's Batman was #1 which I will defend to my death), I ranked all of the Pixar movies (I had Nemo at #1 but my 8 year old son put Toy Story at #1) and I have done a whole bunch of Top 10's for Netflix. They have all been a lot of fun to write and they have all generated a fair number of readers but the one list that has stood above all the rest, the one list that has generated more than twice as many readers than anything else I have written on this site, was the last one I would have guessed. The 25 Greatest Pirate Movies of All Time dwarfs everything else that has ever gone up on TheFatFilmGuy.com, and it continues to be one of the most read things on the site every week. Why? I have absolutely no idea. The only noticeable thing has been that not many other people I have taken the time to write about the 25 greatest pirate movies of all time, probably because there aren't that many great pirate movies, which brings me to my connection with the pornography industry. This is part of the introduction to my pirate movie list:

"Hollywood has a long history with pirate movies to be sure, it just so happens that most of them stink. We forget because of the success of Captain Jack but I looked over lists and lists of people top 10, 20 or 100 pirate movies and you know what was on 50% of those lists - Pirates (2005), an adult film. And no one was putting it on their lists ironically. I think we can all agree that if porn can match the highest quality of a genre, the quality of most of the genre isn't very high (to be fair, I have not seen this particular adult feature, so maybe it is the Citizen Kane of the adult film industry and I am being too hard on it, but I doubt it)."

That reference to the adult Pirates movie has brought a small constant stream of twitter followers and Google Plus circle members who are either fans of or somehow connected to that movie. Fortunately my wife has been understanding.

Surprise #4: No One Cared About My Opinions On Sports

During the football season I wrote a few "The FFG on Sports" things. No one read them. Hurtful? Sure, but I have moved on.

Surprise #5: A Lot Of People Cared About A Guide To Netflix

Last Chance To Catch
This On Netflix

In September or October I did a couple of Netflix Top 10 lists and after posting them on TheFatFilmGuy.com I gave them their own home in a different blog (TheFatFilmGuyNetflixGuide.com). I did it on a whim and every so often I would add another Netflix Top 10. I didn't pay attention to it or to the how many people were reading it or anything like that (this isn't one of the surprises but I have learned they I am dreadful at monitoring and promoting these websites, any readership is purely accidental and don't even get me started about my complete inability to monetize this thing) until a couple of weeks ago when I realized the new website was outdrawing the main website. In fact, jut last week TheReelist.com (a website that tweets out their favorite online movie related articles each week and collects them all in a single site) told me that my post about the best shows that were leaving Netflix on March 1st generated the most clicks out of any tweet they had sent out that week (which was when I started to pay attention to it). Kind of a trip.

Surprise #6: I batted 1.000 On My Oscar Predictions

Actually this wasn't surprising, both because I am usually pretty good at predicting Oscar winners and because none of this year's winners were the least bit surprising.

Conclusion

There is really only one conclusion to be made, I need to write about pirate movies on Netflix that are starring adult film actresses and predict that those movies will win Oscars.

But hey, what do I know? I'm still 300 lbs.

The Mandatory Should Win - Will Win Oscar Article

2013-02-22T13:10:00.001-08:00

Anyone who writes about movies, even when you just do it for fun like me, knows that there is one thing you must do every year. You must write a "Should Win - Will Win" Oscar article right before the awards show. Why? Because if you don't it would be akin to a football blogger not picking a superbowl winner or an NBA guy having no pinion about LeBron James. Even if the awards have lost something we still need to comment on them. So here we go...

note: I'm just doing the big categories because I really don't care about the other stuff

Best Animated Feature
Should Win: Wreck-It Ralph
Will Win: Brave
Darkhorse: Frankenweenie

I know most of the sites are predicting a Wreck-It Ralph win and I hope they are right, but Pixar owns this category, literally, like they are going to rename it the Pixar award soon, so I've got to think Brave steals this one. Frankenweenie is the one movie that could sneak in, but I really doubt it.

Best Supporting Actress
Should Win: Helen Hunt
Will Win: Anne Hathaway
Darkhorse: Jackie Weaver

I have never been a big Helen Hunt fan but she was really great in The Sessions, not that it matters. This has been Anne Hathaway's award since the moment she cut off her hair. The only thing that could derail Hathaway is if Silver Linings Playbook or Lincoln become THE movie of the night, grabbing up all of the awards and leaving everyone else in the dust. You will know that is happening if Sally Field or even more so if Jackie Weaver wins this award. In other words, if Jackie Weaver wins and you didn't enjoy Silver Lining Playbook you might as well turn the TV off and go read a good book.

Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Samuel L. Jackson
Will Win: Christoph Waltz
Darkhorse: DeNiro

I loved Waltz in Django but I thought Sam Jackson stole that movie the way Waltz did with Inglorious Basterds a couple of years ago. Still, Django has this in the bag (heck, Leo could have won this and I wouldn't have felt bad about it) unless DeNiro rides some unexpected SLP wave to victory. Not likely, but Silver Linings Playbook is the one movie that could pull that off.

Best Actress
Should Win: Jennifer Lawrence
Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence
Darkhorse: Emmanuelle Riva

This just feels like Jennifer Lawrence's year, doesn't it? The Hunger Games, Silver Lining Playbook, even the bad stuff like House At The End Of The Street and her SNL appearance don't seem to be sticking to her. And you know what? Good for her, she's great. The only other actress with a shot here is Riva, who some even think may win, I just don't see it happening.

Best Actor
Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Darkhorse: Hugh Jackman

Come on, he played Lincoln! You can't beat someone who played Lincoln. In second grade everyone in my sons class was asked to do a report on any president they would like and of the 25 kids in his class 20 did their report on Lincoln... TWENTY! Not even Jean Valjean can beat that.

Best Director
Should Win: Ben Zeitlin
Will Win: Ang Lee
Darkhorse: David O. Russell

Beasts of the Souther Wild was really amazing in a lot of ways and Ben Zeitlin's direction should get a ton of credit for its success. Having said that Ang Lee and the visuals are so much at the heart of Life of Pi that it seems impossible for him not to win. Unless it is a Silver Lining kind of a night and Russell sneaks in and steals one.

Best Picture
Should Win: Moonrise Kingdom
Will Win: Argo
Darkhorse: Django Unchained

I still think Moonrise Kingdom was the best movie of the year and should be here (that's why I included a clip below), but its not. Argo was the leader in the clubhouse for this in October and November and then a backlash seemed to happen and people kind of forgot about it as they became distracted by Zero Dark Thirty and Lincoln and Silver Linings Playbook. Now the dust has settled and it seems like Argo is back in the driver's seat and making the academy look like idiots for not giving Ben Affleck a directors nomination. Django isn't really a darkhorse because it has no chance of winning the big one. They'll give Tarantino the writing Oscar like they did for Pulp Fiction. But wouldn't it be awesome if Django did win, purely from an entertainment point of view, a "see what they are going to do" point of view? It wont happen but it sure would be fun.

Conclusion

Oscars generally go one of two ways. They either spread the wealth by giving major awards to a lot of different movies or, every so often, one movie gains momentum and steals the night (I remember when Silence of the Lambs did that way back when). If any movie is going to pull that off it will be Silver Lining Playbook. Will it happen? Probably not but I just have this feeling it is more likely than most people realize.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Opening February 22nd: Is The Rock A Movie Star?

2013-02-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Dwayne Johnson has starred in plenty of movies, and he has been good in most of them even when most of those movies haven't been very good at all. But that doesn't make him a movie star does it? Six of The Rock's Fifteen movies have an adjusted gross that topped the $100 million dollar barrier. On the face of it that seems like a pretty decent percentage until you realize Dwayne Johnson was only asked to carry one of those movies (The Game Plan). In the other five films he was either a bit player (The Mummy Returns, Get Smart, The Other Guys) or he was a new addition to an existing franchise (Fast Five and Journey 2: The Mysterious Island). Over his career The Rock has been asked to carry seven films, he has had some mild hits (The aforementioned The Game Plan and Race To Witch Mountain chief among them) although one could argue "hit" might be a bit strong (on the plus side he has only had three absolute bombs, Faster, Doom and the not his fault Southland Tales, one of the most notorious disasters in recent film history). So where does that leave the former now once again current professional wrestler? Is something missing? What does The Rock need to get over the hump?

Fortunately I know the answer. Here are the five things The Rock needs to do to transition from a guy who makes movies into a movie star:

Keep Finding Franchises To Join - The Fast Five thing could not have worked out better for The Rock or the Fast & Furious franchise adding a much needed boost to each other. The GI Joe Retribution has some potential although the bad press from the delayed release isn't going to help. The point is The Rock is a great addition to these kinds of franchises. He has a strong following and is very well liked (even my wife loves him) and it is good for him because he is a star without a franchise of his own. I haven't read The Hunger Games books but maybe they have something for him.

Do More Bit Parts In Comedies - I mentioned my wife loves The Rock, do you know when she fell in love with him? She fell for him during his turn in Be Cool, the Get Shorty sequel in which he was by far the best and funniest part. Dwayne Johnson is the rarest of action stars, he is one born with really good comedic timing. I'm not saying he should carry a comedy, he shouldn't. But a supporting role in Anchorman 2 or the next Hangover movie, that is where he would shine.

Stop Doing So Much Wrestling - This one hurts because I am a huge WWE (I still prefer to call it WWF but I'm old) fan and I thought The Rock coming back last year to fight Cena was great, but he doesn't need to come back now to take on CM Punk. He's better than that. The guys that keep coming back to wrestling find themselves starring in movies about ex-Marines chasing a band of thieves through the bayou because they have kidnapped his wife who used to be a pornstar on Nip Tuck or they find themselves on an island in a televised fight to the death with the world's worst criminals. Once every three to five years is the perfect balance of acknowledging where you came from while no longer being defined as "that".

Become A Superhero - Look, I think The Rock should have been superman, but since he isn't going to be the man of steel he needs to find something cool. Black Panther maybe? Deathstroke? They could reboot Blade. John Stewart (one of the Green Lanterns after Hal Jordan). He may be too old but maybe he could even pull off Cyborg if you tweaked his origins.

Stop Trying To Do Drama - Look, nothing can kill an "action" guys career faster than doing drama. I'm not talking about Zero Dark Thirty drama (actually he probably could have pulled that off) I am talking about adding "drama" to your action movies. We don't need to see the honest and emotional pain and doubt that are at the center of our characters motivation when he is going to do something that is entirely unbelievable. That's the disconnect they don't seem to see, I'm not going to buy into a "real" moment when a second later you are going to miraculously dodge a hail fire of bullets and jump out of a 10 story building and escape unscathed or drive the wrong way down the freeway backwards as you have a gunfight with the cars chasing you. Those things cannot be done in real life making nothing fee truly real in the entire movie, and that isn't a bad thing. All we want to see is two cars pulling a huge safe through Rio and destroying the entire city in the process, we don't need you to try to get an academy award at the same time.

And with that said here are the previews for this weekend...

Snitch

Interest Level: 5

Wait...What?: Read the fifth point above

A first time director who used to be a stuntman finally gets his film which has been in development for more than a decade to the screen. Based on actual events (one of my favorites, it means it is even less accurate than "based on a true story") this story of a father who inserts himself into the world of drug deals in order to gain enough evidence so that he can make a deal with a judge to get his son set free from jail because his son was arrested as part of a drug ring and wont snitch (see what they did there?) himself... Really, "actual events" is what we are going for with this convoluted mess of a story? I have been surprised before and maybe this will end up being more fun than it looks, but it looks like the poster child for what I was talking about before. You can't do the kind of action we have become used to in our action movies AND do a real story. Sorry, those two things don't mix.

Dark Skies

Interest Level: 4

Have You Been Watching The Americans on FX: Yes, It Keeps Getting Better

Yippee! Another PG-13 horror movie. Hooray! Like "dramedies" and the action/dramas from above these PG-13 horror movies always work and never feel like they didn't take it far enough for the people who are actually fans of being scared. Right?

Inescapable

Interest Level: 4

But You Love Marisa Tomei: Yes I Do

I don't think there is a bigger fan of Marisa's than me but is Ms. Tomei really a big enough draw that you would cast her as a Syrian and have her do an awful Syrian accent instead of just casting one of I am sure hundreds of available middle eastern actresses who could do the accent and look the part much more convincingly? I didn't love Cairo Time, the directors last effort, so I don't have high hopes for this tale of a man returning to Damascus after being away for years to find his missing daughter.

Bless Me, Ultima

Interest Level: 0

But It Is Based On A Book That People Say Is Very Good: Yup, Have You Ever Heard Of That Book

WWII, New Mexico, medicine woman fighting evil in villages, based on some book that some people love and most of us have never heard of (and I read a fair amount)... I would say I am trying but I am really not. Maybe this is great, maybe it is the greatest movie ever made but nothing I have read or seen (including the trailer) has moved my needle even a fraction of a millimeter. Sorry.

Conclusion

Dwayne, The Rock, whatever you want us to call you, stop trying to make action movies based on real life drama! Please, I am begging you.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

What Happened To The Oscars?

2013-02-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have no numbers to support this, nothing concrete anyway, but the Academy Awards have been loosing their shine for the last several years. Why? Well, as with most things there are probably several factors. There is the near comical expansion of awards shows (Golden Globes, SAG, Independent Spirit, MTV Movie Awards, People's Choice, etc.) that can't help but create a little burn out by the time Oscar night rolls around. There has been the inability of the producers to find a host post-Billy Crystal who makes the show feel fun and not too full of itself (a perpetual problem the academy has). But the biggest problem can be summed up in one word...boxing.

There is a truth about boxing. It doesn't matter how many dynamic or intriguing fighters you have in the other weight classes, if you don't have a heavyweight champion that has captured the world's imagination the sport will always be drowning. Replace "heavyweight" with "best picture" and you have the truth about the Oscars. Having real "movie stars" winning acting trophies is all fine and good but without THE movie it doesn't really mean much. And Oscar night hasn't had THE movie in a long time.

How many people were excited to see The Artist win last year? Did anyone think that The Artist was a classic? And The Artist might be the best (I would probably vote for Slumdog Millionaire or The Hurt Locker but The Artist is right there) movie to win in the last decade. Just look at the difference between what is winning best picture now compared to what was happening in the 1970's...

In the 1970's these are the films that were awarded best picture:

1970 - Patton
1971 - The French Connection
1972 - The Godfather
1973 - The Sting
1974 - The Godfather Part II
1975 - One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest
1976 - Rocky
1977 - Annie Hall
1978 - The Deer Hunter
1979 - Kramer vs. Kramer

Now let's look at the last 10 best picture winners:

2002 - Chicago
2003 - Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2004 - Million Dollar Baby
2005 - Crash
2006 - The Departed
2007 - No Country For Old Men
2008 - Slumdog Millionaire
2009 - The Hurt Locker
2010 - The King's Speech
2011 - The Artist

If those two lists don't tell you all you need to know about the lack of the classic movie to carry Oscar night you are not a big fan of movies. The last decade is as much about directors finally winning for what is ironically nowhere near their best work (Scorsese for The Departed and the Coen brothers for No Country For Old Men) than a list of classic films destined to stand the test of time. I wont even waste time asking if any of the movies that have won in the last decade are as good as The French Connection, The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, Patton, One Flew Over Cuckoos Nest or The Deer Hunter because frankly that would be like comparing Joe Flacco to Joe Montana. I'm not sure you could make a compelling argument for any of them being as good as Annie Hall and as much as we sometimes like to kill The Sting and Rocky do you see any of the recent oscar winners that aren't part of the Lord of the Rings franchise still being relevant in 35 years? Kramer vs. Kramer that you could argue "fits" with the list of recent winners. Again, doesn't that say it all.

And if you think I am just picking the best decade to make the last ten years look bad randomly pick out a decade and compare for yourself. The 1930's gave us winners like It Happened One Night and a little movie called Gone With The Wind. The 1940's brought Cassablanca. The 1950's had All About Eve, On The Waterfront, The Bridge on the River Kwai and Ben-Hur. The 1960's gave us My Fair Lady, Lawrence of Arabia, The Sound of Music and In The Heat of the Night. Even more recent decades gave us popular epics like Amadeus in 1984, Out of Africa in 1985, The Last Emperor in 1987, Dances With Wolves in 1990, Forrest Gump in 1994, Braveheart in 1995 and Titanic in 1997* and those probably weren't even the best movies of those respective decades when the 1980's brought us Platoon and Rain Man and the 90's gave us Silence of the Lambs and Unforgiven and Schindler's List.

The fact is we have been in a drought. Not in overall movie quality but in those movies that feel like something special both in their moment and in retrospect. Let's put this another way, when was the last time you thought to yourself "I am watching a classic"? Not a personal classic but a movie that will be acknowledged forever and by everyone as a pillar of cinematic excellence. Keep thinking. Keep thinking. Exactly, you had to go back a longs ways didn't you? Sometimes we are wrong, like with Dances with Wolves or Forrest Gump or Gandhi, but we haven't even had a chance to be wrong in a long time. And that is what the Oscars are missing. For better or worse we need a legitimate heavyweight champion so we can argue if they are as good as Ali, without it we'll just all go to bed before the show is over.

* I have found it funny to here the revisionist history, as we here it every year, when people are listing the greatest slights in oscar history. Look, no sane person will argue that Goodfellas isn't a vastly superior movie to Dances With Wolves, but I am plenty old enough to remember the love affair everyone had with Costner's epic in 1990 and at the time no other movie was going to beat it for best picture, and no other movie should have beaten it. Dances with Wolves was THE movie of 1990, just like Gandhi was THE movie of 1982 and Forrest Gump was THE movie of 1994 and Rocky was THE movie of 1976. It doesn't matter that in hindsight there were much better movies made those same years, every so often a movie becomes bigger and in its moment more important than perhaps it deserves to be and the momentum of that becomes insurmountable. So please, stop listing Taxi Driver and Goodfellas and Pulp Fiction as though they were huge mistakes that everyone knew at the time, they weren't. Now Ordinary People beating Raging Bull, that was inexcusable. How Green Was My Valley beating Citizen Kane and The Maltese Falcon in 1941, absolutely ridiculous. But just because The Killing Fields is a movie we can universally agree was better than Amadeus or that L.A. Confidential is better than Titanic doesn't mean the academy made mistakes those years, in their moments there was no beating Titanic or Amadeus. Again, that is not to say there have not been huge mistakes that were mistakes the moment they were made, like Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan or The English Patient over Fargo, but that doesn't mean we can use hindsight to re-write history.

Netflix Only Has 13 Best Picture Winners

2013-02-20T09:24:00.002-08:00

Only 13 Best Picture Winners Are Available On Netflix Instant

That's right, out of the 84 movies to have won best picture at the Academy Awards only 13 are available to stream instantly through Netflix. They try to trick you because they prominently display the last two best picture winners (The Artist and The King's Speech) but after that the winners are few and far between. What's even more disappointing is that many of the "winners" they do have are notoriously some of the worst movies ever to win best picture. Before you get too depressed they also have some real classics and even the "worst" best picture winners are still pretty good movies. So, since there are only 13 I just ranked them all...

13. Crash (2004)

Universal agreement and movies don't often go hand in hand. Sure, we all agree that Citizen Kane is the most influential movie of all time and that The Godfather and The Godfather Part II make up the greatest original/sequel combination of all time, but just about every other opinion about movies is debatable, except that Crash is the worst movie to ever win best picture, we all agree on that.

12. Gandhi (1982)

A lot of movies win best picture that are movies of their moment, that are THE movies of that year, even if in hindsight they weren't the best movie of that year. Movie fans can throw their hands up at the travesty of Dances with Wolves besting Goodfellas or Rocky beating Taxi Driver or Forrest Gump beating Pulp Fiction all they want but the truth is at the time not only were those not considered upsets they weren't even considered mistakes. They were THE movies of those particular years and nothing was beating them on Oscar night. Gandhi was THE movie of 1982 (along with ET, but back then movies that were that popular weren't allowed to win awards too). Should The Verdict have been the best picture that year? Absolutely, but that was never going to happen.

11. Terms of Endearment (1983)

Say what you will about the Oscars but they really don't stick to a type when it comes to best picture winners. Don't believe me? Try to find two movies more different than Terms of Endearment and Gandhi (they won in back to back years). Even how or why they won is completely different. Gandhi was THE movie of 1982 but there was no THE movie of 1983 so Terms of Endearment won because The Right Stuff was boring and The Big Chill was like Terms of Endearment but didn't make people cry quite so much and Tender Mercies was all about Duvall but was never going to win best picture.

10. Ordinary People (1980)

Like I said when discussing Gandhi, most of the Oscar travesties only seem that way in hindsight. There are some exceptions to that rule, like Ordinary People beating Raging Bull. This was inexcusable then just as it is inexcusable now. Is Ordinary People a bad movie? No, it's fine, a little slow but OK. The problem isn't with Ordinary People the problem is that Raging Bull is a classic of the first order, and we all knew it was a classic that year.

I know I should have shown a clip from Ordinary People but I couldn't help myself. I mention Raging Bull so I have to show something from Raging Bull, even if it isn't available on Netflix.

9. Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Man, the Oscars really had a rough patch there between 1979 and 1983 didn't they? First off, Apocalypse Now was never going to win best picture. It doesn't matter that it is one of the greatest movies ever made, it wasn't going to win. If you can move past that fact then you can see that Kramer vs. Kramer, while perhaps not quite as good as fellow nominee Breaking Away (another movie that was never going to win best picture), isn't a bad best picture winner. It just isn't a particularly good one either.

8. Gentleman's Agreement (1947)

Looking at a number of other ranking of best picture winners Gentleman's Agreement is most often described with the backhanded complement of being more important than good. While I don't think that is entirely fair it isn't entirely out of bounds either.

7. Shakespeare in Love (1998)

I am not going to try to argue that Shakespeare in Love beating Saving Private Ryan was anything other than a joke, but I will say that Shakespeare in Love gets a bad rap more often than not. This is a really good movie, a really charming movie, with fun performances and a lot of chemistry (I don't know what happened to Joseph Fiennes but he has never had the charm or comedic timing in any other role that he had in spades here). Maybe it isn't a classic, but it is a fun movie that is definitely worth watching.

6. The King's Speech (2010)

Back to back Geoffrey Rush movies. I would still argue that The Social Network and True Grit and Inception and possibly The Fighter were all better movies than The King's Speech, but not so much better that this was a bad win. Colin Firth does so much to make this movie entertaining that you can forgive the fact that it feels a lot like what it is, a play made for the big screen.

5. The Artist (2011)

OK, I liked The Artist, I think it was fun and fresh and interesting. Still this may be exhibit A as a movie that won best picture because there was no other movie that was really worthy of being best picture. Great for The Artist and it can hold its head high as a legitimate best picture winner but go look through the years and try to find any other year The Artist wins (maybe 2005, the year Crash won, but that's about it).

4. The Last Emperor (1987)

I am surprised that The Last Emperor isn't considered more of a classic. It is one of those movies that has been lost to time a little bit and I don't think anyone would have guessed that 25 years ago when it came out. It seemed destined for classic status.

3. Midnight Cowboy (1969)

The only X rated movie to ever win best picture seems positively tame in many ways by today's standards and as far away from "x rated" as a typical evening of premium cable TV. At the same time it feels like a movie no one would dare make today. It is too depressing, too stark, too hopeless, too naive, to see anyone making it today. This is a movie that I never try to "sell" because I know that most people wont like it, but those who do end up more than liking it, they end up loving it.

2. My Fair Lady (1964)

It is kind of crazy to think that only five years before Midnight Cowboy was receiving its best picture award a movie as completely different as My Fair Lady was winning the same award and yet it makes perfect sense. My Fair Lady is simply a classic. It is hopeful and romantic and in lesser hands it likely would have been sappy but George Cukor's direction (a man who is near the top of the most underrated directors of all time list), Audrey Hepburn's charm and the perfection that was Rex Harrison make this movie sing even when all they are doing is talking.

1. Platoon (1986)

Truthfully you could flip a coin between who should be #1 on this list. Platoon or My Fair Lady, My Fair Lady or Platoon, does it matter, they are both awesome. Platoon isn't the greatest Vietnam movie ever (Apocalypse Now holds that distinction). It isn't the greatest war movie ever (Apocalypse Now holds that distinction too). But it may be the best of both categories that isn't named Apocalypse Now, and believe me, that is very high praise.

Opening February 14th & 15th: Finally A Weekend Worth Writing About

2013-02-14T20:08:00.005-08:00

Thank You Bruce Willis For Facilitating My Triumphant Return

Mine is a small blog and one I do entirely for fun. Why do I mention this? For two reasons. First, to lower your expectations for the quality of writing and second because it is at the crux of why I have been absent from weekly movie previews for the last several weeks. When I first started doing this a year ago (a year ago next week actually) the very first thing I posted was my weekly previews (I called it uninformed formed reviews). The two big movies that weekend were Wanderlust and Act of Valor, neither of which were the best movie of that weekend, the best movie was Tomorrow When The War Began (available on Netflix, you should check it out). Since that first weekend the only thing I made sure I did with this little hobby was my weekly previews post. It didn't matter if there weren't any good movies, or if I was on vacation, or if I found myself repeating the same basic ideas over and over, I still did the previews every week. Then, a few weeks ago, I realized "I can't take it anymore". January and the first couple of weeks of February were so devoid of anything worth discussing that I could simply not do it. Like I said, this blog is for fun after all, and trying to come up with something to say about a movie that has been sitting on a shelf for a long time and is finally dropped into theaters because the competition is so wanting (Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters I am talking about you) isn't fun, and the really sad part is writing about that movie would have been the most fun out of all the movies that have come out during my hiatus (except for maybe Bullet To The Head, but I got my Sly writing fix when I did my whole Schwarzenegger versus Stallone thing). Now, finally, with a movie worth writing about (the bar is really quite low) and weekend worth previewing I am back! Sadly, I doubt you even knew I was gone.

A Good Day To Die Hard
Interest Level: 9
Rank The Die Hard Movies: Die Hard, Die Hard With A Vengeance, Die Hard 2, Live Free Or Die Hard

I find it odd that people think the last one was stupid. Wait, I should restate that. I find it odd that people who are fans of the first three Die Hard films think the last one was stupid. Was having all of the police distracted by hackers somehow less plausible than taking over a major airport by using a church to hijack their signal? Was running a car into a helicopter any crazier than driving through central park without hitting anybody on a nice summer day? In short they are all insane (except maybe the first one) and that is what makes them fun. Here's hoping this one has a number of impossible and crazy scenarios and action sequences, all of which should be easily avoidable if the police force were even mildly competent. I can't wait. In fact this movie is my Valentine's Day date with my wife and we both can't wait.

Beautiful Creatures
Interest Level: 4 (because I like Emmy Rossum) and dropping fast
How Many Twilight Movies Did You See: One and I Regret Having Seen That

I suppose I should feel bad for Beautiful Creatures. I should feel bad that I can see it as nothing more than another Twilight. Maybe it isn't like Twilight at all. Maybe Beautiful Creatures puts teenage "love" in its proper perspective and doesn't glorify throwing your life away in pursuit of the new hormone fueled emotions of your first love (not to mention the support of pedophilia that is the center piece of Twilight -- just because Edward appears to be 16 doesn't mean that he is). Maybe Beautiful Creatures finds a tone that is interesting and sets up a world that we want to see more of in the inevitable sequels that will follow if this is a hit. Maybe that is all true, but are you willing to risk it? I didn't think so.

Safe Haven
Interest Level: 4 (because I like Josh Duhamel)
Is The Notebook The Most Romantic Movie Ever: Not To Me

I hope, for his sake and certainly not for my enjoyment, that Nicolas Sparks has a boat load of his particular brand of romance stories ready to go because the market does not seem to be drying up at all. Forget The Notebook, just look at the post-Notebook movies. Dear John, The Lucky One, The Last Song all over $60 million at the box office. These are movies that cost less than half of that make and they are all movies that do exceptionally well on the secondary market (DVD sales, etc.). In short, they are cash cows. The only real question here is whether or not Josh Duhamel, who seems to be snake-bitten at the box office, proves to be Sparks' kryptonite. I doubt it. Look for this to do about $60 million and be ready for another Nicholas Sparks movie next spring.

Escape From Planet Earth
Interest Level: 7 (but maybe I can change his mind)
What Does This Remind You Of: Planet 51

Let's go back in time to November of 2009. Then a small and relatively inexpensive animated feature was released with the kind of concept kids like (aliens coming to earth or the other way around seem to play well). It wasn't great, it may not have even been good, but the trailer was decent, the film was mostly painless if entirely forgettable, and the movie walked away with $100 million dollars at the world-wide box office ($42 million of that was domestic). That movie was Planet 51. This movie is this year's Planet 51.

No
Interest Level: 8
Will You See It At The Theater: Nope, I'll Get In On Demand or Through iTunes, Where It Is Already Available

An ad executive comes up with a breakthrough campaign that will defeat Pinochet in Chile's 1988 referendum. This is nominated for an oscar this year and while I think Amour has the inside track to actually take home the trophy it wouldn't be at all surprising if Pablo Lorrain's movie takes home the award.

Like Someone In Love
Interest Level: 0
What's Your Favorite Hooker With A Heart Of Gold Movie: Pretty Woman works

In Tokyo there is a prostitute who falls for one of her clients, a widower, over the course of a few days. Are there any actual hookers who have heart's of gold? I didn't think so either.

The Power Of Few
Interest Level: 4 because of Walken
What Was The Last Innovative Story Telling Device That Worked: American Beauty maybe

A conspiracy mixed with urban crime drama told from multiple perspectives. It sounds a little bit like a film school project. With Christopher Walken and Christian Slater it is likely better than that but it hasn't generated anywhere near enough indie/art house buzz to make me think it actually works.

Conclusion

DIE HARD BABY!!!!!

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

The Following - What Does It Say About Me?

2013-02-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

I Can't Say That I Would Recommend The New Fox Serial Killer Drama, But I Am Really Enjoying It

I have a thing for serial killer movies, books and TV shows. I don't know why and I certainly don't want to over analyze it for fear of digging up something truly disturbing about myself. The only thing that allows me to admit this is because, based on the success of the genre, I am clearly not alone. Criminal Minds has been a hit TV show for years. James Patterson has become a very wealthy man by having Alex Cross chase after psychopaths in 20 different best selling novels. Silence of the Lambs was the last movie to win Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director and Best Picture academy awards. And now Fox has its first new hit drama in years with Kevin Bacon's The Following, a show that combines the idea of serial killer and cult together in what has to be the most disturbing hour network television has ever produced...and yes, I love it.

I love The Following but I would also never recommend it to anyone.

That actually isn't as abnormal a statement as you would think. There have been plenty of movies that I have loved over the years, movies like Trainspotting or The Company of Men or Happiness or Kids, that I have really enjoyed and thought of as being sporadically brilliant that I wouldn't recommend to just about anyone. Why? Because what makes them terrific is how far they go, how disturbing or depressing they are, and most people don't want that, don't like that. Or maybe a lot of people do like that, but can you ever be sure which members of your friends or family will like it.

Wait, that isn't really being honest.

Truthfully I don't recommend the really disturbing stuff because that would tell people something about me. What would my late mother have thought if she knew I really liked a movie where the lead dives into a dirty toilet to get his drugs back? What would my late father think if he knew I enjoyed watching a crazy killer cult try to train a boy roughly the same age as my own son to be a killer (that was the very creepy ending of episode 3 of The Following)? When something like this becomes popular enough we can all jump on board without fear. We can all say that we loved Silence of the Lambs (after I took my younger sister to see it in the theaters she decided to never go to an R rated movie again) or that we have read one of Patterson's Alex Cross novels (read one of the earlier one's, they have been going down hill for years) because they are overtly popular and apparently popular can't be that disturbing. But, if you say you were cracking up watching The Human Centipede people will start to wonder about you (not that I am claiming I thought it was one of the funniest movies of the year in 2010 or anything like that).

So, where does this leave me with The Following? Has it become popular enough that my enjoyment of it is no longer telling?

Who can say. There are plenty of reviewer, many of my favorite reviewers in fact, who have made it clear that they find it morally repugnant, and maybe they are right. Maybe spending an hour each week with Joe's merry band of killers, watching them run around Baltimore in Edgar Allen Poe masks burning people alive or holing up in a cabin remembering with fondness the evil deeds they have done, isn't healthy. Maybe enjoying the hell out of watching Kevin Bacon play his broken down FBI Agent hunting down the cult while sipping on his vodka spiked water says something less than flattering about me. Maybe that is very true, but at least I am not alone...

Wait, is that thought comforting or truly disturbing?

Netflix Top 10: Dramas Based On Real Life

2013-02-11T15:58:00.002-08:00

Generally speaking movies based on real life, be it a person or an event, face an up hill battle as they deal with the conflicting truths about reality -- reality happens at a pace that is too slow for a movie and, when the unbelievable happens in reality, the surprise of it can never be matched by a film because it is the slow pace of reality, the years of experiencing things as they are, that makes those things so unbelievable and amazing. We are shocked when the Red Sox come back to beat the Yankees after being down 3 games to none because we have spent a life time watching the Red Sox loose and the Yankees win. Without that life time of knowledge (and for us Red Sox fans heartache) what is it other than an exciting victory and trite underdog story? So, too many films based on real life fall short because they either don't feel real (Rob Roy, Hoffa) or they can't live up to the reality we already know (World Trade Center, nearly every sports movie) or they feel too much like homework (The Reagans, The Kennedy's). However, every so often a movie will get it right. They will hit that perfect note where the reality behind the story gives added power and depth to the movie, when fiction and reality work together to make something more compelling than either could do on their own. Here are the ten best such films available on Netflix:

10. Anastasia (1956)

The real life story of Anastasia was one of the great mysteries of mid 20th century Europe. Did the daughter of the Tsar of Russia die with her family during the revolution or did she escape? If she escaped where was she, where had she been? Years later a young woman was presented as being Anastasia to the royalty of Europe. She was the right age and looked the part but was eventually exposed as a hoax, or was it? Members of various royal families believed until her dying day that she was the Russian princess in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. Ingrid Bergman stars as Anastasia, or the woman chosen by the Russian ex-patriots to be Anastasia so they might collect the millions of dollars offered for her return, and takes a character that in lesser hands could be pathetic and imbues her with a dignity that makes you believe she could be something more after all. Definitely worth watching for her performance alone.

9. Europa Europa (1990)

Talk about crazy stories, this is the tale of a Jewish boy in Nazi Germany who, after being separated from his family at the beginning of the war, survives by pretending to be a German of Arian decent and he eventually becomes one of the Hitler Youth. When the war ends he has survived and he is reunited with his family. How close is this film to the reality on which it is based? Probably not very, but it is still a compelling and tense portrait of survival.

8. The General (1998)

Brendan Gleeson is one of those actors who never gets enough credit. Maybe it is because in hollywood fare he has always played supporting roles (Lake Placid, Safe House, the Harry Potter movies, etc.) that are memorable but rightly don't overshadow the leads. Here he is the star and man, what a star he is. As Martin Cahill, a real life Dublin folk hero, thief and gangster who had a habit of stealing from the wealthy and giving much back to the poor, Gleeson owns this movie. As Cahill you fear him, you like him, you see his flaws and respect his choices. I don't have any idea what the real Cahill was like, but if he was anything like Gleeson's Cahill I can see why he became the stuff of legend (check out the clip to see what I mean).

7. Capote (2005)

Is Philip Seymour Hoffman incredible as Truman Capote? Of course he is, he's Philip Seymour Hoffman and he is almost always amazing. What makes this movie really good though is the way the rest of the cast play off of Hoffman's Capote. Be it Catherine Keener as Harper Lee, Capote's long time friend and sometime assistant (before she wrote and published To Kill A Mockingbird) or Clifton Collins Jr. as Perry Smith, the murderer at the heart of the story that became In Cold Blood, the interactions with Capote tell us more about the man than the man ever does himself.

6. Becket (1964)

Peter O'Toole, Richard Burton and John Gielgud, honestly do I need to say anything else? Of all of the "grew up best friends and ended up on opposing sides of a conflict as adults" movies this one really stands above the rest. Peter O'Toole plays Henry II and Richard Burton plays Thomas Becket, who would now be called Saint Thomas Becket as he died a martyr for refusing to allow the King to exert control over the Catholic Church in England (it is a little more complex than just that, but that is the gist of it). The movie is told in flashbacks as Henry II remembers his friend and how his friend changed as he came to God.

5. Brian's Song (1971)

In Stripes Bill Murray famously asks his troops at the start of his motivational speech "who cried when old yeller died?" Honestly, to a group of men who are now in their 40's the question should be "who cried when Brian Piccolo died?" Not when Piccolo himself past away but at the end of the movie Brian's Song. I freely admit that I have seen Brian's Song somewhere near 50 times over the course of my life and I have cried each and every time. Just watch this clip and tell me you don't well up a little...

4. The Last Emperor (1987)

The true story of the last emperor of China, who was worshipped at birth by a billion people and whose life ended as just another peasant in the new People's Republic of China. Bernardo Bertolucci's masterpiece follows a life from beginning to end and keeps you riveted all the way through. Also, this may be one of the most beautifully filmed movies in history.

3. Searching For Bobby Fisher (1993)

A fascinating story about what an exceptional child should do, should he be exceptional above all else or be a child first and foremost. The real Bobby Fisher went for exceptional and turned into a crazy and generally horrible human being. Josh Waitzkin decided to stay a kid in spite of so many who wanted him to strive to be something more (or less if Bobby Fisher's life is any indication).

2. The Untouchables (1987)

Did you know David Mamet (pulitzer prize winning writer of Glengarry Glen Ross) wrote the screenplay? Of course this is a story that had and has been told many times by many different people but somehow with Mamet's screenplay and the direction of Brian DePalma this version feels fresh and unique and simply right.

1. Breaker Morant (1980)

During the Boer War three Australian lieutenants are ordered to execute their prisoners only to find that they are the one's put on trial for their war crimes and not the men who gave them their orders. Breaker Morant is the lawyer who fights to see these men don't become mere scapegoats for an army that is trying to hide what they became during the war. Breaker Morant has brought me an odd kind of joy for years. I was enthralled when I first saw it in the theaters in 1980. I have loved recommending it to so many who have not seen it and always smile when they inevitably tell me how great they thought it was. And now I get the great pleasure of writing about it again, hopefully converting a few more, this is a film that deserves to no be forgotten.

Random Thoughts:

Quills, Zulu, Torra Torra Torra and Bottle Shock were the four hardest movies for me to leave off the list.

The King's Speech, Gandhi, Hotel Rawanda, My Left Foot and In The Name of the Father are all big time oscar winner that are available in this category but did not make my list.

Two lesser known movies that weren't top ten worthy but are still worth seeing (and you may have never heard of them) are The Krays and Downfall

This Is The End - Your Last Chance To Catch These On Netflix

2013-02-09T13:25:00.002-08:00

Come March 1st These Shows Won't Be Available On Netflix Instant

Each month Netflix does a pretty good job of adding some terrific content (see the best of what was added last month here). Unfortunately the converse is also true. Each month due to the expiration of contracts Netflix looses programming. The silver lining is that we can learn what will be leaving in advance, giving us a last chance to enjoy what's worth enjoying before it is gone. You can check out the complete list of what is expiring by going to the last chance page, but here are a handful I recommend you see before they are gone:

Bedazzled (1967)

Forget the Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley version made in 2000 (like I need to tell anyone to forget that movie, a picture of that movie poster is in the dictionary next to the word forgettable) Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's original is a comedy classic. While the story sounds like a parody of It's A Wonderful Life (a despondent short order chef, on the verge of ending it all, enters into a pact with the devil who offers him seven wishes, wishes he can use to change his fate and win the woman of his dreams, in exchange for his soul. As his wishes leading him to alternative lives that turn out very badly our short order chef sees that his life could have meaning and that he has much to live for) the movie does not play at all like parody, it is simply too good to be lumped into that category.

Cutthroat Island (1995)

Take a trip back to the good old days when pirate movies were a sure fire financial disaster and Renny Harlin was hellbent on making his then wife, Geena Davis, into an action star. I don't think Harlin himself would argue that Cutthroat Island is a good movie, but the audacity and misguided nature of it makes it immensely watchable.

Drugstore Cowboy (1989)

Gus Van Sant's oddly sweet, sad, funny and ultimately depressing road movie about a drug addict and his "family" and their inevitable decent into crime and tragedy is what made the director the king of "indie" movies and still stands as his best and least flawed movie. Matt Dillon and Kelly Lynch are terrific as the leads and while the subject matter may make this movie not for everyone, if you are open to it this is a film that can stand side by side with Midnight Cowboy as really terrific "but for the grace of God there go I" movies.

Fatal Attraction (1987)

Fatal Attraction is perhaps no longer as shocking as it was when it was released over 25 years ago (certainly, from a "graphic" point of view it seems almost quaint compared to what we see on premium cable) but it is still effective and the movie is absolutely worth watching just to see Glen Close play one of the best crazy characters in movie history.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

George Clooney as a badass criminal, Quentin Tarantino as his very creepy brother, Harvey Keitel as a preacher that has lost his faith, Juliette Lewis playing a teenager for the last time, Salma Hayek dancing with a big yellow snake and Cheech Marin playing just about every other part in the movie. A goofy, hip vampire movie that embraces being goofy in a very hip way. Need I say more?

The Graduate (1967)

It has always surprised me over the years how many people I know who have not seen this movie. Everyone knows the song and some of the iconic images, but really a lot of people, including nearly everyone I know under the age of 40, have never actually watched the movie. Don't be one of those people. There is a reason the images are iconic. There is a reason why this movie is still referenced again and again. The reason is because this movie is terrific, maybe even great.

Flashdance (1983)

I saw a bit of the original Footloose the other day as I was flipping through the channels and I was trying to think which movie had the worse body double dancing, Footloose or Flashdance. There is hardly a moment of the dance sequences in this movie that you think Jessica Beals is actually the one doing the dancing (especially the last dance when the body double is wearing the worst wig in cinema history -- see clip below if you don't believe me). But that is just one of the things that makes this movie an unintentionally funny ride back in time. A time when seeing a woman's shoulder was the sexiest thing ever and leg warmers were perfectly acceptable daily attire.

Drop Zone (1994)

I have been talking about doing this list for the better part of a year, the list of great looking actresses who were almost famous, but then quickly disappeared. Drop Zone stars someone who would definitely be on that list, one Yancy Butler. Yancy stars along side Wesley Snipes, a US Marshall who is going against orders in the pursuit of the men who killed his partner (and brother) and who he believes are hiding in plain site in the world of parachuting (think Fast & Furious with parachutes instead of cars). Again, this isn't a great movie, but it is a fun movie to watch when you are bored late on a Saturday night.

So, there you have it. A few classics, a few "time machine" movies and a couple of midnight movies. All are worth your time, sometime over the next few weeks.

What's New On Netflix Instant

2013-02-06T13:15:00.002-08:00

A Big Month For Netflix And Not Just Because Of House of Cards

With the release of House of Cards last week, Netflix's second original series and the first series they put a lot of money and might behind, February 2013 has become an extremely important month for our favorite streaming service. But even though it may seem like it House of Cards is far from the only new thing you can watch on Netflix. As is true every month they have a bunch of new movies (new meaning new to their service, not actually new) that are now available including Oscar winners like Ordinary People and comedies that seem to be perpetually on TV like Happy Gilmore. Here are the ten best new movies available on Netflix Instant:

10. Terms of Endearment (1983)

With the recent failures of How Do You Know and Spanglish it is easy to forget that James L. Brooks stood shoulder to shoulder with Nora Ephron as the King and Queen of the adult romantic comedy for 20 years. Of course Brooks put a lot more drama in his comedies to that point that you could argue that they are more dramas with funny bits than the other way around. Terms of Endearment was Brooks first directorial effort and depending on how you feel about As Good As It Gets and Broadcast News is certainly in the discussion for his greatest film (I'd go Broadcast News then As Good As It Gets and then Terms of Endearment, but that's just me). The winner of five Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay (Adapted), Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor was nominated for six other oscars that it didn't win, making it the unquestioned darling of the awards season. I know I am listing its credentials more than talking up the movie and there is a reason for that, the movie, in my opinion, doesn't quite live up to its credentials (not as much as Ordinary People doesn't live up to its credentials, but still). Worth watching? Absolutely, and some will argue that it is brilliant and that I am a heartless SOB for not loving it.

9. Scrooged (1988)

Richard Donner's updating of the the Dickens classic isn't a classic, but it is better than it is often given credit for. Yes, you get to see it on TBS or TNT or USA or some other cable station about 55 times each December and will therefore likely never watch it on Netflix, but it is still plenty worthy for the #9 slot here.

8. Species (1995)

I am sure there is someone out there who knows more movie trivial than I do that will tell me if I am wrong, but I am fairly certain that Species was the movie that Michael Madsen chose to do instead of the role of Vincent Vaga, a role written specifically for him, in a little movie called Pulp Fiction (or maybe it was Wyatt Earp... damn it! I think it was Wyatt Earp). While, if true, that is an unforgivable mistake, it shouldn't take away from the fact that Species is a really effective sic-fi/horror thriller. We forget because they made Species II and Species III and probably more than that and the title became shorthand for seeing Natasha Henstridge naked, a lot, but it really is a fun and effective movie.

7. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)

Back in my single days (by the way, nothing makes you sound older than referring to a part of your past as your "single days") I had a friend that never went home alone. Was he the best looking, the funniest or the most charming guy in the world? Nope. He deployed what I used to call the shotgun approach to picking up women, he would hit on every woman he would meet every night until he found someone. The Naked Gun reminds me of my buddy, it tells every joke it can think of and tells as many jokes as can be fit into 85 minutes. Do all of them work? Nope. But like my friend Frank Drebin and company do enough funny things to make you laugh so hard you feel like you need to go pee (yes, I am not so subtly referencing one of the funniest gags in the movie, watch the clip below and you'll see what I mean).

6. Bad Boys (1995)

The birth of Will Smith the movie star and of Michael Bay the big time director is still Bay's best movie. It also proves, for all of those who complained about it during the Transformer movies, that Bay has ALWAYS had scantily clad, extremely tan, sweaty women posing in the background of his movies (watch the clip). This is what Michael Bay does, stop expecting something else.

5. Shaolin Soccer (2001)

I may be a crazy person, and I do have the advantage of having lived in China and I used to be able to speak chinese (its been a long time and I have moved past rusty and right into "I only remember the swear words"), but I think Shaolin Soccer is one of the 5 or 10 funniest movies of the 00's. Stephen Chow's sports movie/kung fu movie hybrid is simply and absurd, perfectly cast, hysterically funny 87 minutes of pure joy (the clip below is my son's favorite part, when a soccer match turns into a war zone).

4. Trading Places (1983)

I suppose it is easy to forget who and what Eddie Murphy was back in the day. If you are younger than 40 you may not even know what made Murphy the biggest comedy star of them all (I could give you a way too long argument to back that statement up, filled with box office numbers and the like, but I'll spare you the skipping ahead). He was charismatic and dangerous and wonderfully profane (check out how he is introduced in Trading Places in the clip below to see what I mean) and he simply did not miss with movies from 1982 to 1988 (Harlem Nights changed all of that). Trading Places is no exception to that did not miss rule. Also, a little bonus, it is the most effective "short selling" teaching tool I know of.

3. Gentleman's Agreement (1947)

Elia Kazan's career and life seem to be a perpetual dichotomy. He was the most famous "namer of names" during McCarthy's assault on Jewish American's disguised as an attack on the communists who lived among us in the 1950's. In 1947, seven years before the McCarthy hearings, Elia Kazan made THE movie that shone a light on the anti-semitism that was plaguing America. To this day Gentleman's Agreement would likely be the first face on the Mount Rushmore of films about racism. So who was Elia Kazan? I wouldn't even pretend to know. But I don know that Gentleman's Agreement stands not just as a window to past racial bias but as a great story, well told, to this day.

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

What needs to be said about Ferris Bueller? This is an 80's comedy classic, an homage to the harmless rebellions of upper-middle class suburban youth and one of the great "wait a minute, is that...?" movies in history (Charlie Sheen most famously, see below). Still funny, still fun and for better or worse Alan Ruck will always be Cameron.

1. Top Gun (1986)

"You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous"

"That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous."

Top Gun is an even better "wait a minute, is that...?" movie than Ferris Bueller. It is a movie that hollywood keeps trying to remake and can never get close to the magic that was and is Top Gun. It is that rare movie that didn't just have something for everyone, it felt like it was made for everyone. If you are looking for action, Top Gun is for you. If you are looking for romance, Top Gun is for you. If you are looking for the gayest beach volleyball scene in movie history, Top Gun is for you (a buddy of mine, who happens to be gay, once told me the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun was to gay guys of that age what Princess Leia's slave outfit was for straight guys). Top Gun had it all, has it all (it still hold up). So just remember...

"I have the need... the need for speed"

Opening January 18th: Everything Is Relative

2013-01-18T14:25:00.001-08:00

We Judge Everything On A Sliding Scale And Movies Are No Different

Ask yourself this question, if Manti Te'o or Lance Armstrong hadn't spent their public lives standing tall as men who overcame adversity to triumph would we have really cared about a fake girlfriend or cheating in a sport where EVERYONE* cheats? Maybe a little, but not much. We care not so much because of the sin as we do about who they pretended to be while they were sinning. Put another way, they inflated our expectations so that their foibles feel disproportionately severe and their mistake, their true sin, was that they mismanaged our expectations. We see this happen with movies all the time. In 2012 John Carter did better than Looper, Battleship, Mirror Mirror, Hope Springs, Total Recall, The Dictator, The Lucky One, American Reunion and literally hundreds of other movies that were released last year (John Carter was the 38th highest grossing movie of 2012, 38th out of 650). So why is John Carter at the top of just about every "biggest bombs of 2012" list? Because of a well publicized inflated budget. Because of a well publicized name change. Because it was marketed as the "Star Wars" of this generation. Because the expectation was that anything short of an Avengers-esque box office bonanza was a failure. Those are some really poorly managed expectations.

What's the point? Well when we look at the movies released this weekend we can't look at them with "Summer Movie" expectations or "Holiday Movie" expectations or even "March Movie" expectations. This is January. Last year the highest grossing film of the month was Contraband at it grossed a not particularly whopping $66 million (also less than John Carter). More importantly than that it was nothing more than a watchable and entertaining if ultimately entirely forgettable movie that would have been lost had it been released any other month (except maybe September). But in January that's a hit. Go into January movies as if they are a linebacker who played for Miami in the early 1990's and still affiliate himself openly and proudly with a street gang and has a few domestic violence arrests under his belt or a cyclist that brazenly cheats and didn't start a cancer fund (in other words every other cyclist in the world, none of whom you have ever heard of). If you do that you'll walk out saying "Wow, that was pretty good, better than I expected" instead of "Man, what a dud, can you believe they spent that much money on that thing."

*My favorite little Lance Armstrong/cycling tidbit was that, after stripping Lance of his Tour de France title and deciding to award the victories to the next cyclists in line, the Tour had to go down to someone who finished in the 20's before they could find someone who they didn't know had cheated. He probably still cheated but they don't know if he cheated. And you thought baseball was bad.

Mama
Interest Level: 6
Did You See The Short Film: Almost No One Saw The Short Film

Some movies have legends, the legend of Mama is that Guillermo Del Toro, the director of Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth and the highly anticipated Pacific Rim, saw Andres Muschietti's 2008 short film from Spain and loved it so much that he got the director to make it into a feature length movie. They lucked out and got a now rising hollywood star in Jessica Chastain to be the lead (you may hardly recognize her with dark hair and a "goth" look) and boom, we have Mama. Mama is the story of a young couple who now have to raise their two young nieces who had been left alone in a cabin in the woods for the last five years, but how alone were they (cue dum, dum, dum, music)? Before you think of this as just another horror gore fest you should know that they kept this rated PG-13, so no gore. The fear here is psychological and by all accounts it's... OK. Nothing great, nothing dreadful. Think last years The Woman In Black if you want a quality comparison.

The Last Stand
Interest Level: 8
Well, Sure, You Said Arnold Was Better Than Sly: Yes I Did

Speaking of the legend of a particular movie, after making the really creepy and good Korean serial killer movie I Saw The Devil (it is available on Netflix and if you like the serial killer genre it is definitely worth watching), director Jee-woo Kim jumped to the top of every producers "want to get" list. The Last Stand, his english film debut, was originally pitched to Liam Neeson and when he backed out they tapped Arnold to play the aging sheriff of a border town that is last obstacle, or stand (see what I did there) a drug dealer must get past before escaping to Mexico (Arnold must have felt like he had gone into some bizarre-o alternative universe when he found out the only roles he could get were Liam Neeson leftovers). The studio initially did a terrific job of getting the "surprisingly good" rumor mill going but as reviewers have seen it the word has become more mixed. It appears the film became a little more an Arnold comeback vehicle than a Jee-woo Kim introduction to American audiences. Not a bad thing if you are an Arnold fan (as I am), but I am looking forward to seeing Jee-woo Kim's real first movie in Hollywood, if he ever gets a chance to make "his" movie.

Broken City
Interest Level: 4
Did You See Contraband In The Theaters: Nope, Saw It On HBO A Month Or So Ago

January feels like a Mark Wahlberg action vehicle kind of a month, doesn't it? Actually most of his action flicks weren't released in January, Contraband being the recent exception, but they feel like they should have been. Shooter (a movie I quite like), Max Payne, We Own The Night, Four Brothers, they all feel like movies that should have benefitted from the lack of competition that January provides. Maybe that is why they are selling this movie as a Wahlberg flick and not nearly as much as a Russell Crowe movie (man has he fallen a long way) or an Allen Hughes movie (with his brother they directed Dead Presidents, From Hell and Book of Eli among other projects). The problem seems to be that it is not a straight ahead Wahlberg action movie. This movie was aiming higher or at least in a slightly different direction. City politics and corruption apparently aren't merely the plot devices used to get Marky Mark to kick some butt, they are to some degree what the movie aspires to be about. And the reviewers didn't think the movie got too close to being what it wanted to be.

LUV
Interest Level: 0
Is There A Trick To Knowing When An Indie Film Isn't Good: When They Promote That They Were Selected To Be In A Film Festival, Not That They Won Anything, They Just Got To Be There

LUV is the story of an 11 year old boy who gets to spend a day with the ex-convict he has come to idolize. Think a fictionalized and more touching version of scared straight. Critical response has been blah and the general consensus is, once you have heard the plot you could watch this movie in your mind and not be wrong about one scene. In other words... wait, I don't need "in other words", that was a perfect way to describe an unimaginative, by the numbers movie.

Outside Satan
Interest Level: 0
Have You Seen Dumont's Other Movies: Some Of Them, That's Why My Interest Level Is Zero

Bruno Dumont makes these very stylized movies that combine religious ideas and violence and long slow shots of nothing really happening together into movies that are liked if not beloved in France. Humanite and Twentynine Palms are maybe his two most famous and, by chance, the two I have seen and while I didn't hate either of them I didn't really like them either. They felt like art movies at their worst, films that feel like they are saying "if you don't get this then you aren't sophisticated enough to understand art". Anyway, there are people who love his work and on some level I can see why (they are beautifully filmed) they just aren't for me. Oh, and the movie is almost two years old.

Conclusion

If you go see The Last Stand expecting something as good and entertaining as Django Unchained you are going to disappointed. If you walk into The Last Stand expecting nothing more than The Expendables 3 (it doesn't exist yet, but give it time) you will have a good time. Managing expectations people! It is one of the great keys to a happy life.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Manti Te'o: I Have A Theory

2013-01-17T11:52:00.001-08:00

Was The Notre Dame Star In On The Hoax or Was He A Dupe? My Answer Is Yes

No matter if you heard the story of Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend yesterday when Deadspin.com broke the story, or on Twitter a few moments later or when you saw the crawl on ESPN and realized you couldn't figure out what they were talking about (err, writing about) I think we all had the same basic reaction... "Wait, what?!" The story made no sense, makes no sense. Listening to sports radio guys try to discuss it today has been quite funny because no one seems to know what to say. One guy on ESPN's Mike & Mike show put it best (and I am paraphrasing here) you either have to believe the unbelievable story that a high profile college football player would make up a dead girlfriend for publicity or the equally incomprehensible idea that a senior at Notre Dame could get this thoroughly duped. Neither work and that has been the problem, and then it occurred to me, why does it have to be either or?

If you want to see my best guess at the real story, read on...

Using roughly the same time outline Deadspin.com used here is what I think happened:

Sometime in 2010: Manti is trolling around online, probably on Twitter although that hardly matters, and meets someone in cyberspace claiming to be Kekuna. Over the following months or years Manti discovers that Kekuna and he have a lot in common and become good friends.

Sometime in 2011: Manti and Kekuna's online relationship begins to feel like something more and an excited young Manti tells his parents about his new girlfriend. Only problem is his parents wouldn't get that his girlfriend is someone he interacts with entirely online* so Manti throws in a white lie or two to make it seem more real for his parents, like that he and Kekuna have hung out in Hawaii a few times.

*It is easy to act like Manti is odd or pathetic for having an entirely online relationship but let's be honest, they are happening all the time. Heck, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan made a Rom-Com about an online relationship almost 20 years ago.

Sometime in 2012: Maybe Manti is pushing to meet Kekuna or maybe he is drifting away, either way "Kekuna" needs to do something to change the dynamic of their relationship so she gets in a car accident. The car accident isn't enough (or, more likely, it made Manti more insistent about coming out to see her) so the car accident turns into Leukemia**.

**I must say the Leukemia diagnosis is a stroke of evil genius. My wife's friend has been battling the disease for the last year or so and it is perfect if you are a fake person who wants to keep a relationship going. Why? Because you have to be under near quarantine throughout the process, so your online suitor can't come see you. And Leukemia has a reasonably high rate of recovery, so you wont loose the person to the "what's the point they are dying anyway" mentality. But, because Leukemia is cancer you can it provides a perfect end for the relationship whenever you need it, the transplant didn't take, there were complications, whatever. Like I said, evil, but perfect.

September 2012: For any of a number of potential reasons (Manti was getting too close, Manti was starting to catch on, the whole thing wasn't fun anymore, etc.) Kekuna decides to use her out and die of Leukemia.

September 11, 2012: Te'o's grandmother dies and his girlfriend dies. As if that date isn't bad enough.

Sometime After September 11th and Before September 15th: Manti tells coaches and/or friends about his tragedies. He decides that his two loved one's would want him to play*** and the team rallies around him. One problem though, it is the same problem he had a year ago with his folks, if the team finds out that he never met the love of his life what will they think? So, Manti does what he did and likely has been doing, with his parents, he goes for the little white lies that will get people to not question his real grief.

***Again, a certain degree of evil genius by Kekuna. Tell Manti while you are dying that he should honor you by playing. Like I said, Evil, but genius.

September 15, 2012: Te'o plays the game of his life as Notre Dame upsets Michigan State. Someone knows that the team was inspired by Manti's tragedies so Manti shares his story with the media and runs into the same problem again. No matter, white lies work and who is going to question a grieving boyfriend.

Between September 15th and September 22nd: The story starts ballooning and the questions start rolling in. The white lies are becoming legend and Manti sees no harm in it. Someone asks him about Kekuna's funeral, he says she wants him to play and that all she wanted was flowers. Beautiful, touching and maybe even true (I could totally see Kekuna writing something like that too him to keep him away so he would never discover the hoax).

September 22, 2012: While Kekuna's funeral is happening in California Manti is becoming a folk hero with another monster game against Michigan. Notre Dame is 4-0, Manti is getting more press and attention than ever and it is all good.

Between September 22nd and January 7th: Manti is the toast of college football. His Irish go undefeated, he is that rare defensive player who gets into the Heisman discussion. Everything is going well and part of it is based on the legend of Kekuna. To Manti the white lies aren't really lies. He really loved her, she really was his girlfriend. Sure, maybe he didn't fall asleep on the phone with her or any of that but that makes what they had no less real, right?

January 16, 2013: Deadspin.com releases the story that shatters Manti's world, he was Catfished. Not only that its worse because he has been telling these little white lies and now it makes it look like he knew all along. Manti is screwed.

Conclusion

That is the truth of this whole thing, the only victim is Manti Te'o. The media looks momentarily lazy for not digging deeper, but because no one dug deeper it doesn't make any of them look that bad. Notre Dame can keep their hands clean. Kekuna, whoever he or she or they is/are walks away (I am no lawyer but since it doesn't seem like this whole mess was done for gain it doesn't seem like it could be viewed as criminal or worthy of the kind of pursuit that it would take to catch whoever Kekuna really is). Te'o didn't win the Heisman and would have won all those other awards regardless of the "triumph over tragedy" storyline. The fans feel duped but they'll get over it. But Te'o? Te'o gets to live with this forever. He will always be either the caniving kid who faked a girlfriend or the sucker who fell for the oldest trick in the book. No way out. Like I said, Manti is screwed and the only real victim in this whole crazy story.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Schwarzenegger Vs. Stallone

2013-01-17T08:29:00.001-08:00

The Two 80's Action Icons Have New Movies Hitting The Theaters Over The Next Two Weeks, So This Seems As Good A Time As Any To Settle This Argument Once And For All

Say what you will about the 1980's (I recall it fondly maybe because it perfectly encompassed my high school and college years), sure it was cheesy and the fashion was goofy and the art was pretentious (come on, Basquiat? Really?) but it was also a decade that spawned some of the greatest arguments of all time. Magic vs. Bird (Magic), Michael Jackson vs. Prince (Prince, I don't care what record sales say), Thatcher vs. Reagan (I'm going with Thatcher, Meryl Streep isn't making a movie about Reagan), Ska vs. Punk vs. New Wave (Punk wins the battle of rock sub genres in my book), The Rat Pack vs. The Brat Pack (only one has Frank Sinatra), John Hughes vs. Actual Teenage Angst (Hughes, who needs the real stuff) and many more. But maybe the greatest debate of the 1980's was Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone for the title of best action movie star. The years may have past these men by and they now seem to be playing comedic caricatures of themselves (purposely, I might add) but the debate still lies, albeit barely smoldering, unresolved... until now. Let's take a look at the various arguments and let's call a winner! Who's with me?!

Okay, maybe it isn't that exciting, but I'm still going to do it.

Box Office

The #3 Movie of 1994

The gross numbers at first glance appear pretty straightforward. Stallone's movies have grossed a total of $1.83 billion at the domestic box office while Scharzenegger's have made $1.7 billion. Not a huge win, but it would seem like a definitive win for Sly, that is until you take half a beat to look a little deeper. Stallone's totals come from 35 movies which averaged $52.2 million. Arnold has 10 fewer flicks (25) and his averaged $71.1 million*. Sly also wasn't running (I will let you debate how well) our most populous state for the better part of the last decade while movie grosses skewed higher and higher driven by ticket price increases. Getting a little more box office geeky, Sly had at least one movie finish in the top 10 in four different years, 1976 (where the original Rocky was a top 10 hit but BoxOfficeMojo.com doesn't do ranking previous to 1980), 1983 (Rocky III was #4 at the box office), 1985 (Rambo: First Blood Part II was #2 and Rocky IV was #3) and 1993 (Cliffhanger sneaks in at #10). Meanwhile, Arnold also achieved that feat four times; in 1988 (Twins was #5), 1990 (Total Recall was #7 and Kindergarten Cop was #10), 1991 (when Terminator 2: Judgement Day was the #1 movie of the year) and 1994 (True Lies, the forgotten great movie of that year finished #3 at the box office).

So where does all of this box office sabermetrics get us? Do we value gross numbers, do we value averages, do we value performance in relative years? I think where it gets us is here...

Schwarzenegger

The almost $20 million per movie advantage is the tipping point for me.

*These averages may seem low given the box office numbers generated today, but keep in mind Arnold and Sly's biggest hits were in the 80's and early 90's when box office totals were a lot different. For example, in 1990 only 9 films broke the $100 million barrier at the domestic box office and only 19 movies grossed more than $60 million. Last year 28 movies grossed over $100 million domestically and 51 surpassed $60 million. In other words, Sly's $52.2 million average would be comparable to say The Bourne Legacy from this year and Arnold's $71.1 million is somewhere closer to Taken 2 or the last Ice Age movie.

Cult Classics

To me, a true cult classic is a movie that is inarguably ludicrous, stupid or bad and yet is also undeniably entertaining and infinitely re-watchable. And the best cult classics, be it Big Trouble in Little China or The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension, always make you feel like the people making it were in on the joke. While Sly has a few movies that would fit this criteria under his belt (Demolition Man and Tango & Cash chief amongst them) cult classics seemed to have been Arnold's specialty, particularly early in his career. Just look at Arnold's IMDB page and the flix he made in the 1980's:

Conan the Barbarian**
Conan the Destroyer (Wilt Chamberlin on a horse is priceless)
The Terminator
Red Sonja (sorry, this one is just bad)
Commando (co-starring a young Alyssa Milano)
Raw Deal
Predator
Running Man (one of my favorite, mostly forgotten, 80's movies)
Red Heat

None of those were huge hits during their theatrical runs (not even the original Terminator), but most of them were really entertaining and many of them live on today. One of the things that really separated Arnold in the 1980's from every other action star was that he always seemed to get how ultimately silly the whole thing was. He got that he could barely speak english, couldn't really act his way out of a paper bag and, with his body building physique, never even looked like a real person. He got it and that is why all of his movies, particularly these early one's, were winking at the audience the entire time. It took Stallone years (really, not until Demolition Man in 1993) to stop seeming to take it all so seriously and embrace the goofy fun of it all. That's why, in a walk, this one goes to...

Schwarzenegger

**I've told this story before, but I can not mention Conan the Barbarian without telling it again. My high school economics teacher, a hysterical guy who loved movies, told me that he had watched Conan the Barbarian 10 times (this was only a year or so after it came out) and he was planning on continuing to watch it until he could figure something out. He wasn't sure if Conan was the worst movie ever made or the most brilliant comedy of all time. Where the movie fell was entirely a function of whether or not the filmmakers did it that badly on purpose. If they knew what they were doing, according to my economics teacher, they should have won the Oscar.

Franchises

Particularly in the action genre, launching a film franchise is one of the endearing marks of greatness that any star can have on their resume. As action stars where would Bruce Willis be without Die Hard or Mel Gibson without Lethal Weapon? If it were not for Taken would anyone have ever associated Liam Neeson with action movies? Arnold and Sly are the godfathers of this trend, of this rite of passage for any would be action icon. Arnold's Terminator series has out grossed the Alien, Die Hard and Lethal Weapon series and "I'll be back" has become one of the most iconic lines in movie history. That's pretty good for the former Mr. Universe, but can it compare to the man who was at the center of two of the biggest franchises in movie history? Forget the total box office numbers and other measurable ways to judge the popularity of a film franchise and ask yourself what would you rank higher than Rocky and Rambo? Harry Potter? Probably. You'd likely put James Bond, Star Wars and Indiana Jones ahead of it too, but after that it starts to get hard to find another franchise you'd put ahead of either of Sly's (probably some of the comic book one's, but that is almost a separate category in a way). Look, if you want to know who to blame for Part II, 3 in 3D and so on look no further than Sylvester Stallone. This one was easy...

Stallone

Other Genres

I may be one of the few defenders of Oscar, Sylvester Stallone's foray into farce from 1991, on the planet. Having said that, as a rule, Sly and comedy were never natural bedfellows. Arnold, on the other hand, from Twins to Kindergarten Cop to Junior to Jingle All The Way has always been accepted in comedies (even if they weren't always great comedies). I think it goes back to what I was talking about in Cult Classics, Arnold has always been in on the joke, even when he was the joke, so comedies aren't a big transition. Still, with all the success Arnold had with comedies can any of that trump Rocky? If Rocky were an anomalous display of dramatic acting chops for Stallone maybe Arnold's comedies would hold up, but with Fist, Rocky II and Cop Land Stallone has shown that, given the right material, he can act, he can be something other than what we think of him to be. I guess really the only question is, where does being Governor of California fit in? I say it doesn't...

Stallone

At Their Best

When was Arnold at his best? As much as I may love Predator or Running Man or even Conan the Barbarian*** by most any measure (box office, personal preference, etc.) Terminator 2: Judgement Day has to be viewed as Mr. Schwarzenegger pinnacle, and it is a pretty great pinnacle. T2 has to be on every short list of films that visually blew audiences away by giving them things they had never seen before (The Matrix, Avatar, LOTR: The Two Towers, would be the recent history list), Linda Hamilton was a shocking revelation as she rebuilt her body in a way no actress had ever done before and James Cameron found a place to take a story that seemed to be over at the end of the original movie. All in all T2 is one of the top 10 movies of the 1990's and one of the top 20 Sci-Fi movies of all time.

You'd think all of that glowing praise for T2 would make Arnold tough to beat, until you remember that Stallone has Rocky on his resume. Rambo: First Blood Part II may be Sly's biggest box office hit but no one can argue that the discussion of Stallone at his best begins and ends with the winner of the Academy Award for best Picture in 1977 and one of the greatest sports movies of all time. As great as T2 is it can't compete with that.

Stallone

*** Just kidding. I'm not going to tell the Conan story again.

At Their Worst

Red Sonja is bad. So is Conan the Destroyer but it has Wilt Chamberlin and Grace Jones (Wilt is so tall that his feet are nearly touching the ground when he is riding a horse) and so it somehow falls into that weird category where it isn't "so bad it's good" but when it is on you do feel compelled to watch a few minutes. But Red Sonja, no, it's just bad. As bad as Red Sonja is (I mentioned it's bad, right?) it isn't even in the ballpark of un-watchable horror that Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot! or Rhinestone are. Those have to be two of the worst movies ever made by an "A" list actor at the height of his or her fame (ooh, that would be a fun list to come up with). Two truly, painfully dreadful films.

Schwarzenegger

The Tie Breaker

So, now we are all tied up 3 to 3, as it should be (no great argument should be one sided). What breaks the tie? What is it that truly separates Sly from Arnold or Arnold from Sly? Simple ... height. Arnold is probably not actually 6'2" tall since he was listed as short as 5'10" earlier in his life, but he isn't short. Sly is listed at 5'10" tall, but I met him once and he was definitely more than 4" shorter than me. Why does it matter? Well, it goes to believability doesn't it? I mean, Stallone can pump himself full of steroids to keep himself ridiculously ripped but it doesn't make him taller and the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that he is short in his films doesn't help. Give Arnold credit, he recognizes who and what he is as an actor. He recognizes he has a comically thick accent, he recognizes he is inhumanly large and he doesn't try to ignore those things in his movies. Sly, like many an actor who is short (yes, I'm looking at you Tom Cruise) not only refuses to acknowledge his lack of height, he tries to pretend he is not short (like we didn't notice when Bridget Nielsen was a foot taller than him in Cobra). As an action hero it hurts him. Now he is doing the same thing with his age, trying to pretend we can't notice he is getting old. Arnold's tag line for his new movie is "retirement is for pussies" and the trailer for The Last Stand shows him acknowledging, when asked how he's doing, the he's old. Bullet To The Head posters feature a ripped and shirtless Stallone pointing a gun, the same poster that would have been made if Sly was starring in this movie when he was 35 not 66. Sly has always had the problem of taking himself too seriously coupled with an inherent vanity that prevents him from acknowledging shortcomings (no pun intended). Arnold has always tried to use his obvious shortcomings, starting with his name, to his advantage. That is the difference to me and that is why I now declare...

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER THE WINNER!

But hey, what do I know? I'm Fat.

Opening January 11th: Only Three Kinds Of Movies Are Released In Early January

2013-01-11T10:40:00.003-08:00

The Academy Award Nomination And The Baseball Hall Of Fame Vote Are Much More Fun To Talk About

Look At The Original Release Date
That Tells You All You
Need To Know

There are two types of movies that come out in early January. First are genre flix that are counter-programming in its truest form. And second are movies that weren't quite good enough to be released during the holiday season. Sure, there will always be a mix of foreign films and art house fare that would defy these two categories, but those films are released almost arbitrarily throughout the year as XYZ art house theater in NYC or LA or Chicago needs something new. In other words, the art house fare doesn't count. There is actually a third hollywood category on weekends like this, the films that were in limited release in December to qualify for awards that "go wide" this weekend. So here is my problem, what is there to say about any of these except to tell you in which category they fall? And the problem with that is it is really obvious which category each new flick fits into.

Here, I'll show you what I mean:

Category 1 (genre flix/counter-programming)

A Haunted House (Interest Level 4) - The latest "spoof" movie that looks painfully dumb but we should all know by now that we should never underestimate the potential success of a parody starring one of the Wayans. They all do much better than you realize.

Category 2 (weren't quite good enough to be released during the Holidays)

Gangster Squad (Interest Leve 6) - A classic example of a movie that has a lot of elements that should make me at least a little bit excited (great cast, a director with a solid history, etc.) but much of that excitement goes away based on the release date. If Ryan Gossling or Emma Stone are great in this Gangster Squad gets at least a limited release in December so they have a shot at a Golden Globe at the very least (the Golden Globes are notorious for nominating good looking actors just so they will show up on their red carpet). Instead it comes out January 11th. This is Lawless 2.0, another period gangster flick with a strong cast and pedigree relegated to an obscure weekend because the studio knew it was at best good not great.

Category 3 (going wide after an award eligible early release)

Zero Dark Thirty (Interest Level 8) - More and more people are saying it is long and boring. I still want to see it, but I'm just sayin' the word on the street isn't as glowing as it seemed three weeks ago (and Katherine Bigelow not getting a directing nod says a lot too).

Quartet (Interest Level 4) - Dustin Hoffman's directorial debut had award buzz a year ago before anyone saw it, at least as a vehicle for Maggie Smith or Michael Gambon to getting some acting notices. Now it is relegated here as inoffensive little movie about a concert at a retirement home for professional musicians.

And that's it. Well except for the festival darlings that studios are clearing out before The Sundance Film Festival next week so they have room to grab the best of the films coming from Utah...

Fairhaven (Interest Level 0) - A Chris Messina/Sarah Paulson diddy about a guy returning home to Massachusetts for his father's funeral. He runs into a bunch of old friends and has some kind of eye opening experience (as people are want to do whenever they return home for a funeral or reunion).

Struck By Lightning (Interest Level 0) - Glee fans no doubt will be thrilled to see their favorite (I think Kurt is the favorite, isn't he?) whatever-the-glee-clubs-name-is star have his own movie. This is the story of a dead kid who had been blackmailing his fellow high school students into providing material for his literary magazine. It's supposed to be a dark comedy.

The direct to VOD/DVD action movies we all love so much...

The Baytown Outlaws (Interest Level 4) - Who cares what the plot is, it is a bad action movie starring Billy Bob Thorton and Eva Longoria. What more do you need to know?

A random documentary...

$ellebrity (Interest Level 4) - Did you see what they did with the title? Pretty clever. If you ever wanted to know the not so secret way the paparazzi and publicists and tabloid stars work their respective magic this is the doc for you. It's actually supposed to be good and surprisingly clever, so when it is playing on IFC in a year or less I'll likely check it out.

And a few foreign films...

The Tower (Interest Level 6) - Think a modern day The Towering Inferno in Korean.

Matru ki Bijlee Mandola (Interest Level 0) - A Bollywood hit that is some kind of complex love triangle coupled with a father's plans for his children. I'm sure it is terrific for what it is, just what it is holds no interest for me.

Storage 24 (Interest Level 6) - A SciFi thriller mixed with horror elements about a group of people who get trapped in a storage facility with a very unwelcome guest from England looks pretty good and may be worth a chance.

Now, that is really it.

Conclusion

Can you see my dilemma now? Why write about those movies when I could write 2,000 words about why Sam Jackson should have received a Best Supporting Actor nod and why the two 12 year old leads of Moonrise Kingdom (Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward) should definitely have received Best Actor and Best Actress consideration and how it is insane to me that Moonrise Kingdom isn't a part of the Best Picture discussion or that Wes Anderson didn't get noticed in the director category and how we were always told that expanding the Best Picture category up to as many as 10 nominations would end the problem the Academy has always had with nominating popular movies (in that they used to never nominate popular movies) and yet you still past on any of the years big hits (really, you couldn't throw The Dark Knight Rises in there just to show you are aware of what movie fans actually like?). Or I could have written 5,000 words on the self righteous insanity of the BBWA in refusing to vote anyone into the Hall of Fame this week as a part of the most immature protest in recent memory and another example of how the baseball writers and the Hall of Fame are hurting and holding back baseball more than they are helping it build a future (part of the 5,000 words would be a diatribe about how PED's were the best thing to happen to baseball). Instead I am stuck writing about the director of Zombieland making a cross between The Untouchables and LA Confidential and not coming close to reaching the level of either... oh well, such is life. I suppose since I write this thing just for the fun of it I have no one to blame, not that there is really any blame to go around anyway.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

2012 Year In Review: 10 Things That Jumped Out Part 2

2013-01-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

I listed the first five things that jumped out at me yesterday and now I am on to Part 2:

When Did Bruce Willis Become Nick Cage

I love Bruce Willis. I think he is a better actor than he is often given credit for and I think he knows how to strike the right tone when he is making movies whose aspirations aren't as lofty as a lot of awards season stuff. Not only do I love Bruce Willis generally, he was also in two of my top 5 movies of the year, Looper and Moonrise Kingdom (my favorite movie of 2012). But in 2012 Bruce also starred in Fire with Fire, The Expendables 2, The Cold Light Of Day and Lay The Favorite. SIX MOVIES! Did Mr. Willis have some kind of outstanding tax debt that I didn't know about (maybe I have to watch more TMZ). And he has at least three more coming out in 2013 (G.I. Joe: Retaliation, A Good Day To Die Hard and RED 2). This all makes the five movies Nicolas Cage did in 2011 seem like child's play. Far be it for me to begrudge anyone a paycheck but Bruce, buddy, when Wes Anderson or Ryan Johnson call or when the Die Hard producers reach out or even when Sly texts you, by all means answer and do those movies. But if it is Josh Duhamel or the guy who's going to be Superman remember, it's OK to say no. You don't want to become a parody on SNL's weekend update like this do you:

The Death Of The Middle Class

This has been coming for some time, but 2012 seemed to be the nail in the coffin for the middle class movie. What's a middle class movie? It is a movie that is neither a blockbuster or a bomb, it's just a movie that does OK, makes it money back and is generally forgotten. As a rule middle class movies make somewhere between $65 million and $85 million a the box office. You know, movies like Real Steel or No Strings Attached or Limitless in 2011 or The Tourist or Dinner For Schmucks in 2010. Were any of those movies "bombs"? No. Were any "hits"? Not really. They are the movies that take up space before the next movie your excited about hits theaters. They are the movies that are meant to bridge the gap between The Hunger Games and The Avengers and in 2012 they weren't there. In 2012 only 9 movies fell into the middle class range in 2011 there were 20. There was a time when all the studio made were middle class films and if a few became blockbusters that was just gravy, today movies are either blockbusters or bombs or art house fare or documentaries. . The studios have become Dave Kingman (as a 40+ year old baseball fan to understand the reference). It has made for more big movies but fewer OK movies.

Having said that ...

The 655th Highest
Grossing Film of 2012
Grossed $117.00

Man Do They Make A Lot Of Movies

I suppose to be fair, the middle class movie perhaps isn't so much dead as it has been remade into the limited release, direct to DVD or On Demand model. And hollywood makes a ton of movies that fall into this category. According to Box Office Mojo 655 movies were released into domestic theaters in 2012. SIX-HUNDRED-FIFTY-FIVE! That is over 12 per week (no wonder Bruce Willis made six movies, they needed someone to step up in order to get that many out). And the number is growing. In 2011 601 films were released. In 2000 hollywood released 374 movies. And in 1980 they released 161 films. Maybe they can break the 700 barrier in 2013.

Only Tarantino Is Allowed To Re-Write History

Inglourious Basterds was my favorite movie of 2009 and while Django Unchained didn't achieve that for me this year (I thought it should have been cut into two movies) it was still firmly in my top 10 and, like most of Tarantino's movies, I feel like I am liking it more and more the more I think about it. Tarantino has perfect the historical revenge fantasy, although after Hitler and slavery I am not sure what great evil there is to attack next (maybe the Spanish inquisition). He has perfected it but he isn't the only one who has tried it. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter tried to re-write history to, just nobody wanted to see it. Tarantino has marked his territory and no one else is allowed to play there apparently. Not that I'm complaining.

Nobody Writes Or Directs Teenagers Better Than Wes Anderson

My #1 movie of 2012 was Moonrise Kingdom. As is true of most of Wes Anderson's films, be it Rushmore or The Fantastic Mr. Fox or The Royal Tanenbaums, the movie defies anyone to try to sum it up in a sentence. I mean, yes, it is technically the story of two thirteen year old kids, one a boy scout the other the daughter of two unhappily married lawyers, who run away together on an island off the eastern seaboard that has no roads or connection to the mainland, but that description gives the reader no idea about what the movie really is. One of the things that it is is a story with terrifically well drawn main characters, played by actors who really are as young as they are supposed to be. As he showed in Rushmore, no one writes more interesting characters for kids than Wes Anderson and no one gets more out of the actors playing those parts. Are the adults good too? Sure, Bruce Willis and Bill Murray and Ed Norton and Harvey Keitel and Frances McDormand are all terrific, but it really is 12 year old Jared Gilman and 12 year old Kara Hayward that carry this movie and steal it all at the same time (much as Jason Schwartzman did with Rushmore 14 years ago when he was 16).

Conclusion

I am not sure if 2012 was a great year for film, we may need a few years of perspective to make that judgement, but it certainly was an entertaining year. It was definitely a year were stuff happened, where comic books and teenage literature completely took over (a trend in the making for the last five or six years), a year where 3D started to die (maybe that is me just hoping 3D is dying) and a year where I started this silly blog. Not bad 2012, not bad at all.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

2012 Year In Review: 10 Things That Jumped Out Part 1

2013-01-07T13:40:00.001-08:00

An Admittedly Belated Look Back

Sure, I could have done what everyone else does and posted a series of "year end" lists before the clock struck 12 on New Year's Eve. But why would I put stuff out when people want to read it when I can take a few weeks off and write about 2012 after everyone has moved on to looking forward to 2013? Yup, this makes much more sense.

So how will I remember the year that was? To be blunt, who knows? 10 years from now I may think back on this year completely differently than I do now. But right now these are the 10 things that jump out as I look back:

2012 Was The Year Of The LONG Movie (or Man Do I Have To Pee)

Running Time: 2hrs. 45mins.

I went to go see Django Unchained the other night. It was a 10:10 p.m. showtime and I walked out of the theater at 1:10 a.m. In 2012 three hours in a theater shouldn't have surprised me. For years if a film hit the two hour mark it was considered really long, in 2012 if your film was anything other than a kids movie you were you blew by two hours without slowing down. The Avengers clocked in at 2hr. 23min. as did Skyfall. The Hunger Games took up 2 hours and 22 minutes of your day. Big hits like Snow White and the Huntsman, The Amazing Spider-Man and Prometheus all seem like short films because none went past 2hrs. 15min. (all were more than 2 hours). And while you may have thought Lincoln (2hrs. 30min.) and Les Miserables (2hrs. 37min.) were long, even they weren't as long as three of the biggest hits of the year. Django Unchained and The Dark Knight Rises each had running times of 2hrs. 45min. and The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey beat them both by 4 minutes. Of movies that grossed more than $100 million at the domestic box office in 2011 there was exactly 1 with a running time longer than 2hrs. 15min. (Transformers: Dark Of The Moon), in 2012 there were 9 including 5 of the top 6 highest grossing movies of the year (only Twilight which kept itself just under 2 hours long). I am not saying any of this is good or bad, just that, for those of us on the wrong side of 40, we really wish they would put the bathrooms closer to the theaters so we don't have to miss quite as much movie when we inevitably have to go half way through.

People Really Want To Know What They Are Getting Into

Eight of the top ten movies of the year (including the top seven) were either sequels or based on pre-existing materials, and the two that didn't meet that criteria (Brave and Ted) were sold as parts of larger, existing brands (Brave as a Pixar film and Ted from the mind of Seth MacFarlane who brought you Family Guy). Wreck-It Ralph and Hotel Transylvania are the closest things to "original" movies that became hits in 2012 (well, Django Unchained, but if Tarantino isn't a brand at this point I don't know what is). 2's and 3's and based on the best selling series and brought to you from the makers of and from the mind of, what movie didn't have some or all of that prominently featured in their advertising? And before you nod to vigorously thinking I am saying hollywood is out of original ideas that isn't what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that moviegoers don't want original ideas. Apparently the only thing that will get people out in any numbers is something they know, or think they know. Anything else is relegated to art houses (unless it gets a lot of awards, but even that is no longer a guarantee people will go see it anymore).

2012 Was The Year Of The Documentary

Go over to Rotten Tomatoes and take a look at their Top 100 Movies of 2012 (I'll wait here until you get back). Documentary after documentary. Is that abnormal? No, not really, fewer people see and critique documentaries and those that do see and critique documentaries are generally more inclined to like them hence the high average score. Still this was a great year for docs. No, it didn't have the box office smash of a Michael Moore documentary to raise broad focus, but what 2012 had was great do after great doc that were stories more than sermons (a frequent problem with genre is that they tend to be sermons more than stories). Jiro Dreams of Sushi, the story of an aging master sushi chef in Tokyo is almost unbelievably engaging throughout. The Queen of Versailles (on my Top 10 list for 2012, check out the trailer below) might have been my biggest pleasant surprise of the year, a documentary that you thought was going to merely use people to look at an issue but ended up being a fascinating story about one very specific married couple. Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry, The Island President, Beware of Mr. Baker, The Invisible War the list of great documentaries from 2012 goes on an on. Unlike the blockbusters, none are what you expect them to be.

Maybe Ben Affleck Was The Brains All Along

In 1997, when Good Will Hunting brought Oscars to Ben Affleck and Matt Damon it was hard to know if one stood out from the other. Then Ben Affleck started to make blockbusters, some of them really bad blockbusters, and Matt Damon went about making more "intelligent" fare (unless he was just working with his newfound best buds George Clooney and Brad Pitt) and I think many of us started to think maybe Damon carried old Ben a bit when they were writing about a boy genius in Boston. Sometime around the time Ben was patting Jennifer Lopez's behind in one of her videos we all felt pretty sure which of the two friends was more talented. After Affleck made Gone Baby Gone and The Town he may have closed the perception gap a bit, but it wasn't until 2012 that you had some really strong evidence that we were wrong. Argo may win a bundle of Oscars, is on everyone's top 10 list and is that rare movie that is at once crowd pleasing and really smart. Promised Land, Matt Damon and John Krasinski's co-written (and like Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant directed) pro environment, anti big business movie that went wide to disappointing results this weekend is by most accounts to overt, trying to hard and lacks the teeth it wants to have. Score a big win for Ben Affleck, who may never have the acting career Matt Damon has but may have the directing career that Matt Damon covets.

Tall, Good Looking, Very Fit People Can Do Well In Movies But Shorter, Good Looking Fit People Sometimes Don't Do As Well

Which actors had the best years in 2012? Here are my top 4:

Jennifer Lawrence - Frankly it would be hard to argue for anyone else as #1. Her "A" List-making star turn in The Hunger Games probably would have put her #1 all by itself but coupled with what looks like a sure oscar nomination for Silver Linings Playbook no one really comes close. Still, what I think may be the most impressive thing about Katniss' year was the opening weekend performance of House At The End Of The Street, a movie that was KILLED by the critics, had a dreadful trailer and still opened #2 at the box office barely losing out to the marvelously reviewed (and rightly so) End of Watch and beating Clint Eastwood's Trouble With The Curve. Trust me, that is an impressive display of star power.

Channing Tatum - Another easy one. The surprise hit of the Spring was 21 Jump Street. The surprise hit of the year was Magic Mike. Add to that the predictably strong The Vow, a nice turn in Haywire and the fact that the studio pulled GI Joe: Retaliation from the summer slate because they wanted to re-edit the movie and add more of the real Magic Mike and you have a really great year.

Chris Hemsworth - Sure, Chris Hemsworth had The Avengers and Snow White and the Huntsman (maybe the only movie that could challenge Magic Mike for the "surprise hit" title) but the strength of his rising stardom also got two movies that seemed destined for direct to DVD hell into the theaters (The Cabin in the Woods and Red Dawn). No small feat.

Charlize Theron - If you were to go back and look at the respective marketing campaigns for Prometheus and Snow White and the Huntsman you will notice one distinct similarity, the closer the films got to their release dates the more they showed Charlize Theron in their promotional materials. By the time Snow White... hit the theaters you would have thought Theron was the out and out star of the movie. These movies accomplished something else too, they reminded us that Charlize Theron may be this generations Grace Kelly, the most flawlessly gorgeous woman on the planet.

What do those actors all have in common? Striking good looks and they are relatively tall (Jennifer Lawrence is 5'9", which in the world of actors is like being 6'9"). What about the actors who had the worst years. Here are my bottom three:

Gerard Butler - Chasing Mavericks was such an astronomical bomb that it didn't register with the public enough to hurt Gerard Butler's diminishing reputation. I mean, Playing For Keeps was Butler's success this year. One has to wonder how many more leading roles he is going to get before producers give up on making him a star.

Colin Ferrel - I hate to say it because I am an unabashed fan but man, Colin cannot seem to get back into America's good graces. And while each of Butler's movies were killed by critics (Leonard Maltin apparently got inundated with angry tweets because his review of Playing For Keeps prevented the movie from getting a 0% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and again, that was the success) Ferrel's two failures were viewed by critics as blah but not awful (Total Recall) and really good (Seven Psychopaths). After the box office failures of 2011's Fright Night (another good movie) Ferrel may not have many hollywood chances left in him either.

Taylor Kitsch - How bad was Taylor Kitsch's year? Well, if you look up Battleship on IMDB he isn't listed as one of the stars at the top of the page. Instead they list Alexander Skarsgard (spoiler alert: he dies less than a quarter of the way into the movie), Brooklyn Decker and Liam Neeson (obviously not alphabetical). I can't recall the last time the same actor starred in the two most notorious "bombs" of the year. Truthfully Battleship and John Carter weren't the two biggest bombs, plenty of movies did a lot worse, but they were certainly the two highest profile bombs and maybe that is all that matters.

Gerard Butler is the exception to this rule, but what do Taylor Kitsch and Colin Ferrel have in common besides abs of steel? Yup, they are both kind of short. Coincidence? Of course it is just a coincidence, but I needed some excuse to write about the best and worst years for actors, didn't I?

Check out Part 2 of 2012 Year in Review: 10 Things That Jumped Out tomorrow

Opening December 21st: I Sincerely Hate To Admit This

2012-12-21T10:06:00.001-08:00

What Is Worse Than Having To Admit You Were Wrong When You Were So Sure (Prematurely) That You Were Right

At Least I'm Not Wrong About This

I am wrong all the time. I am wrong about movies and sports and politics. I misremember facts and misquote numbers all the time. Truthfully at least 50% of my opinions, many of which are voiced with an attempted ring of extreme confidence, have a reasonable chance of being wrong to one degree or another. I know this and I am generally reasonably good at not deluding myself too much so that when I am proven wrong I feel no great shame, embarrassment or any attack on my self-confidence. Heck we are all wrong from time to time and we all willing accept that as long as we right with enough frequency that people don't tune us out entirely. Here are a number of things I have been wrong about in the last 10 months since I launched TheFatFilmGuy.com:

John Carter would draw enough attention from young boys who love action movies to make it a solid performer if not a huge hit.
Snow White and the Huntsman would be the biggest flop of the summer.
Three attractive and underrated leads and a fun Sci-Fi story would turn Total Recall into the hit of August.
The Silver Lining Playbook would ride strong word of mouth, awards nominations and the undeniable star power of Katniss Everdeen to the grown-up hit of the fall and holiday season.
Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez would thrive as Rex Ryan implemented the same strategies used by Urban Meyer when Tebow was a freshman at Florida.

That was just five that came off the top of my head, I am sure even a cursory review of what I have written over the last year would be more than enough fodder to fill a 5,000 word post enumerating my errors. And I am not even talking about the subjective stuff that people disagree with me on all the time, I just mean the factual, absolutely conclusive stuff I was wrong about. And not a one of those mistakes hurts me or makes me feel I am not knowledgeable enough to write this stuff. I am not the Fonz, I can be wrong (everyone over the age of 45 gets that reference the rest of you need to find Happy Days on DVD). But this week, this week I may have to admit to something that hurts. I may have to admit that I was wrong about something I honestly couldn't comprehend I was wrong about -- and that sucks.

But, more about that later, on to the previews ...

This is 40

Interest Level: 6, no 8, no 6, no 8, no...

Is This It: Nope

Ah, Judd Apatow, what are we to make of you? You gave us Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill and all the Freaks & Geeks guys. You gave us comedies featuring man-boys that were good deep down (often way deep down) and the women who could eventually, albeit begrudgingly, fall for them (in other words "rom-coms" disguised as raunchy comedies). You were THE comedic voice of hollywood, the most imitated comedy director of a generation. An now you give us a movie that is obviously deeply personal (it even stars your wife and children), that is meant to be funny and poignant, and that has people split right down the middle. Some are saying it is the most honest and relatable comedy in years, others are saying you feel every second of the 134 minute running time. Which is it? I just keep thinking back to Funny People, a movie that had moments to be sure, that was overtly personal and aspired to being more than simply funny (no, the irony of the title was not lost on Mr. Apatow), and a movie that seemed to go on and on and on. I'd say it is a pretty safe bet I'll feel the same way about This is 40 and yet I still feel like I really want to see it.

Zero Dark Thirty

Interest Level: 8

Is This It: Nope

Modern conflicts have been a tough thing for hollywood to tap into successfully. Even those films that were critically and artistically praised (The Hurt Locker, Black Hawk Down) were financial under performers (I think The Hurt Locker is still the lowest grossing best picture winner of all time). I think it is because are modern conflicts are trickier to get our heads around. WWII had a clear good versus evil storyline that led to a number of amazing movies (especially those that muddy that narrative like Bridge on the River Kwai) and Vietnam had a "war is the true evil" storyline that has been mined over and over again to great success (Apocalypse Now, Platoon to name two) but Iraq and Afghanistan can't be framed quite so simply. The evil we have been fighting, terrorism and extremism, are unseen and hard to define, with one exception, Bin Laden. Will that clarity advantage allow Katherine Bigelow to make the first critically and financially successful movie about our conflicts in the middle east? If the fact that this film is about a 10 year manhunt doesn't squander all of that clarity advantage (and the fact that we all know the ending). Having said that I can't wait to see Zero Dark Thirty. Of course, you should know that unless you live in NYC or LA you wont have a chance to see this movie until sometime in January. This is what you call a "we want an oscar" opening weekend. It isn't really opening, but we need to put it into at least 1 theater if we want to win awards this year.

The Guilt Trip

Interest Level: 3

Is This It: No, Who Couldn't See This Train Wreck Coming A Mile Away

This contrived story about a man who is cajoled into taking his mother with him on a business road trip sounds painful, looks painful and according to just about anyone who has seen it is painful. Will I still watch it in a year or so when it shows up on HBO's rotation? Of course, because that is exactly the kind of idiot I am, but that doesn't mean anyone should waste money on seeing it in a theater.

Monsters Inc 3D

Interest Level: For The Movie a 10 For The 3D a 0

This Can't Be It: Of Course Not

In anticipation of the sequel coming out next summer we get Monsters Inc in amazing 3D. OK, I have no idea if the 3D is amazing and I will never know because I hate 3D, but the movie is really really good.

Cirque de Soleil: World's Away

Interest Level: 4

Will You Get To The Wrong Thing Already: Wait, I Am Getting Impatient With My Own Writing

I have no doubt this is beautiful and amazing. I know this because I have seen a Cirque de Soleil performance and it was amazing and beautiful. Do I need to see it in a movie theater? Nope. But I am still sure it is beautiful and amazing.

The Impossible

Interest Level: 6 and growing

No Admission Of Being Wrong Here: None

The story of a families fight to survive and find one another in the aftermath of the 2004 tsunami's that devastated the south asia (280,000 people dead, truly tragic) is the english language debut of Juan Antonio Bayona (he made the really well received The Orphanage in 2007 for those who follow international cinema) and stars Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor. Reviews keep coming in saying it is really good and effective. I wouldn't have thought I would be too interested in it based on the trailer but some of those reviews are starting to win me over a little. No a lot, but a little.

On The Road

Interest Level: 6

Really, Still No Wrong Thing: Like You Don't Know I Am Holding It Until The End

Love the book (go read it if you didn't in school). Walter Salles built a strong following both in Brazil and in the art house community with Central Station and particularly with The Motorcycle Diaries (both are really good, but if you can only see one see The Motorcycle Diaries). Here he tackles one of those books that never seemed worth tackling to me. The book's narrative style and plot don't seem well suited to the screen. Kristen Stewart, Garret Hedlund and Sam Riley are all getting good notices for their performances as Marylou, Dean and Sal but I am not sure that matters. Here's the thing, if you haven't read the book I can't imagine you are interested in this and if you have read the book you have already developed strong mental images of the characters and scenes and the odds of the director and actors capturing your vision exactly are beyond remote. So where does that leave us? Well, for me I want to watch it at some point out of curiosity, I want to see how others see it, but that attitude almost guarantees a certain degree of emotional distance that would preclude this movie from really getting through to me. Now my head hurts. There is a chance I am over-thinking this whole thing, which is exactly what someone once told me when we discussing the book years ago.

Not Fade Away

Interest Level: 6

Nothing: Nope, Nothing To Admit To Here

David Chase, he of The Sopranos fame, has returned to the state where I was born (New Jersey) but instead of bringing us mobsters he brings us a group of friends who form a rock band. Chase creates characters that are real, dialogue that is interesting and stories that reflect himself. Sometimes that is great, like when his own difficult relationship with his mother played out in the greatest mother/son dynamic in television history when Tony Soprano and his mom Livia locked horns through the first two seasons of The Sopranos. Other times the slice of life nature feels real and mildly interesting but doesn't provide the stakes or drama that we expect from a movie. I doubt anyone will regret watching Not Fade Away just as I suspect few will feel too bad about missing it.

Amour

Interest Level: 8

This Can't Be It: Nope, Not Yet

Critics top 10 lists are starting to pop up all over the place for the year that was. If you take the time to look at a number of them you will see the movies you expect (Moonrise Kingdom, Lincoln, Argo, Silver Lining Playbook, Les Miserables, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, etc.), you will see the requisite number of blockbusters to balance out the lists so the critics don't come off as elitist (The Avengers, The Hunger Games, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit and the like) and you will see the occasional art house movie that you may never have heard of before so the critics can prove they see everything. Nothing new, the lists are what they are (I'll likely post mine next week, I am just catching up on some stuff now), but what is interesting is that the one little art house flick you may never have heard of that pops up on a surprising number of top 10 lists this year is Amour. Michael Haneke's improbable Palm d'Or winning movie about an 80 year old retired couple whose refinement cannot protect them against the strains of growing old and alone together is by all accounts gorgeous and haunting. It has collected award after award all over the world and seems a shoe in for best foreign language film at the Golden Globes (and probably the Academy Awards as well).

Jack Reacher

Interest Level: I'm Not Sure

So This Is It: Yup

Ever since news leaked that Tom Cruise might play Jack Reacher I have been almost obsessively adamant that this was one of the worst ideas in the history of cinema. I have actually severely tempered my agitation when I have written about it (just ask my wife). It didn't just seem like an odd choice, it seemed like almost the worst possible choice. Rumor turned into reality and I was shocked, particularly when Lee Child (author of the Jack Reacher novels) backed the casting enthusiastically, claiming Reacher's physical size in the books was a mere metaphor and not crucial to the character. The first trailer came out and I bristled at it, sure it was wasting one of the best modern characters in literature (I mean that in an entertaining way, not in an everlasting cannon of literature kind of a way). I railed about it every time the movie came up. Everyone I knew who has read the books railed about it every time it came up. And then reviews started coming in and they were good. I was dismissive at first, assuming they hadn't read the books and all they were doing was watching a new Mission Impossible movie dressed up in a new name. Then I read the reviews from people who had read the books, from reviewers I liked and generally agreed with, and they were good too. Not only were the reviews solid the general consensus has been that they stayed faithful to the book and that Cruise has pulled off being Jack Reacher. Granted of all the books in the Reacher series One Shot (the book this film was based on) used Reacher's size as a plot driving force the least (it is generally THE plot device in most of the novels) still my mind is reeling at the thought that a man who is a foot shorter and a hundred pounds lighter could pull of the character. It seems insane to me. But review after review keeps telling me I was wrong ... I am wrong. Maybe I'm not wrong. Maybe Cruise and the filmmakers missed the mark entirely as I always suspected they would and the reviews are wrong. Either way, I have always believed the the chances were Jack Reacher the movie would be watchable, I had just resigned myself to viewing it as something entirely separate from the books, so watch it I no doubt will, and I'll probably like it and maybe, just maybe, I'll even consider it a real Jack Reacher movie.

Conclusion

The foreign language film of the year, Kristen Stewart naked (if that is a selling point for you), the other couple from Knocked Up, an oscar contender you will only be able to see in two theaters and Tom Cruise pretending to be physically intimidating... is that a good week or just a weird one? Weird, I'm definitely going with weird.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.

Why Reacher Fans Are Having Trouble With Tom Cruise's Jack Reacher

2012-12-17T11:49:00.004-08:00

And Why They Are Neither The First Nor The Last Group To Feel This Way

Does He Look 6'5" and 250 lbs. To You?

Tom Clancy, if one is to believe various reports, has not liked any of the men asked to play Jack Ryan (apparently particularly Harrison Ford). Anne Rice vocally lambasted the casting of Tom Cruise as Lestat in Interview With A Vampire (an opinion she changed after seeing the movie). The list of fans and authors of popular novels turned into films that were unhappy with the casting or execution of the filmmakers is seemingly endless. Even movies we now think of a classics and so wed to their source material that is almost impossible to separate the two were more often than not lambasted by fans of that source material when they were first released (go back and look at the original reviews of LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring or Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets if you don't believe me). It seems as though it is not merely the right but the responsibility of the fans of these books or comic books or TV shows or whatever else is turned into movies to complain that the filmmakers aren't doing it right. In that vain, as a fan of Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels I will now explain why Tom Cruise simply cannot be Jack Reacher.

Jack Reacher is a former Army officer who was an investigator for the military police and now is, quite literally, a homeless person. In the novels, when the military made cuts in the late 1990's, Reacher found himself at a point in his career where he wasn't likely to movie any further up the chain of command and after having spent a life time in the military (his father was a Marine so Reacher was raised on military bases throughout the world, he went to West Point and then directly into active duty) he decides to leave the only life he has known and with no specific plan he simply begins to wander. The novels are much like the old TV show Kung Fu, Reacher finds himself in some random town, gets caught up in some violent conspiracy and ends up resolving it because he is more skilled and often more violent than everyone else involved.

Reading that little synopsis of what and who Jack Reacher is might make you think that Tom Cruise would be a fine choice (Cruise was himself a military brat as a kid). The problem is, just as David Carradine was pulled into his dramas because he is Chinese in Kung Fu, the plot device that gets Reacher mixed up in all of these dramas is the fact that he is 6'5" and weighs 250 lbs and looks scary. His size is so much a part of the character that everything he does almost seems an extension of his appearance. People underestimate Reacher because he is big so he can out smart them. Macho idiots pick fights with Reacher because he is big and he dispatches them with ease. Witnesses bend to his will out of fear, women are at once scared and drawn to him all because he is this massive force of nature. It is even through Reacher's size that Child explains the way the Army works, that as an organization they see what people can do and put them in positions to do it, therefore really big men who can clear out a bar and sent on sneaky missions where they have to hide, they are made into MP's. Tom Cruise is the small sneaky guy, not the guy who scares the hell out of everyone. It is the fear of the site of Reacher that gets bad guys to react to him when all they needed to do was leave him alone and he would have simply moved on. It is the presence and site of Reacher that gets people who are in trouble to approach him for help and protection. Without the size the stories never start. Tom Cruise might be a heck of an actor, but he can't act a foot taller and a hundred pound heavier.

Conclusion

Over the years I have said to many people that they just have to look at the movies based on their favorite books as something completely different. No filmmaker is going to satisfy people who have been picturing the character in their minds eye for years, no actor will live up to that. I know this and I am trying to look past a little man playing Jack Reacher... but it ain't easy.

But hey, what do I know? I'm fat.