The Ferocious Reader

Identification

2012-11-28T20:49:00.001-08:00

ALS: I'd like to buy this sandwich and bottle of beer.

Cashier: May I see your ID?

ALS: Do you have to be 37 to buy beer? (ha ha ha)

Cashier: I card everyone who looks under 50.

Diagnosis

2011-07-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Emma (not to be confused with GEmma): I think I have Turret's Syndrome.

A-L: Is that a syndrome that causes you to misspell other syndromes?

Emma: Nope. It's a syndrome wherein you're envious of people whose homes have turrets. Extremely common in visitors to San Francisco.

No Film in the Camera

2011-07-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

My Finnish fairy Godparents went to Russia about 25 years ago and took some amazing photographs. Not exactly sure at what point, but sometime - presumably after all the photo ops - they realized that there wasn't any film in the camera. Which reminds me...

...back in early(ish) June I sat at a dinner table with Sister Maria, The Dog-Father, Peter the Greek, The Downstairs Neighbor of the Upstairs Unicorn, and Grand brother Hector's cousins, amongst other characters as-yet-unknown in this sphere. Did I take a picture?

No. Left the film in Russia. With my Finnish fairy Godparents.

Those Silly Germans

2011-07-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

The Dog-Father: Why aren't you blogging?

A-L: Nothing funny has happened.

D-F: That's why you should go hiking with those Germans.

A-L: Pardon?

D-F: There's a German Tourist Club. They have a hike planned for next weekend. You should go.

A-L: What makes you think I think Germans are funny?

Sister Maria: I told him.

D-F: Please report back to me after the hike. Thanks.

SE Portland Update

2011-03-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Caroline: Hello?

A-L: Hi. I wasn't expecting you to answer the phone.

Caroline: Well, we are about to sit down to dinner, and my mom is visiting...

A-L: And you have a newborn and a three-year-old...

Caroline: But I do have a minute to say hello.

A-L: I was resigned to the fact that you're going to be busy for the next three years. And our friendship would continue via a series of unreturned answering machine messages. Does anyone else think Dave sounds like a robot on the answering machine?

Caroline: Yes, and yes. I am busy, but immobilized. That's what happens when you have a newborn.

A-L: Well, it's so nice to hear your voice, even for a minute.Please tell everyone hello from me.

Caroline: Zoey's back on prozac.

A-L: Sorry I don't remember Zoey. Is that someone Dave and I worked with at Tripwire? Or no, that was your manager at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock.

Caroline: Zoey the cat.

A-L: Of course. I knew the god of blogging dialed your number for a reason.

Caroline: And Cujo's always been on Prozac.

A-L: Generic or name brand?

Caroline: Name brand.

A-L: Of course. Let's talk soon.

Welcome

2011-03-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby Ben,

Welcome. Will they now have to change the blog name to "Big Dutch Babies?"

Jus sayin...

The Sunny Side of Life

2011-02-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Sister Maria: I'm soooo bummed I'm sick and on antibiotics. I wanted to do two things this weekend to (belatedly) celebrate my birthday with all of you: 1. Play in the snow. 2. Drink wine. And I can't do either of those things.

And then a little voice from the Peanut Gallery chimed in...

Annais: But you can still drink coffee!

The Unicorn Chronicles

2011-02-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

I have an update from Dana, our long-suffering downstairs neighbor of an upstairs unicorn.

A-L: What's news? Any unicorn sightings?

Dana: We've done some more forensic work and confirmed that it's definitely a unicorn, or someone who moves about their room via a rolling chair.

A-L: Like a wheelchair?

Dana: No. Like an office chair.

A-L: Oh, like that scene from the opening credits of Family Ties, when Alex P. Keaton rolls across his room? It's the episode where he was taking speed.

Dana: Maybe. Although I don't think the unicorn is on speed.

A-L: Conjecture.

Dana: Indeed.

If I Had Spoken to My Arkansas Correspondent

2011-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

A-L: Hi, since I haven't had a chance to speak to you, I'm going to make up a conversation we've had.

Caroline: Fair enough.

A-L: As the Portland-based Arkansas correspondent for this blog, I'd like to hear your take on why red-winged blackbirds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas.

Kitty: Old news.

A-L: Sister Maria and I are inclined to believe the Presbyterians are behind this, of course.

Caroline: Fair enough.

A-L: Is that polite Southern talk for "no comment"?

Caroline: No. I'm just pondering the evidence.

A-L: While you're pondering, can you help us with the pronunciation of the town now covered in dead red-winged blackbirds? It's Beebe, Arkansas. Would one say "bee-bee" or "beeb"?

Caroline: No comment on the pronunciation. As for the birds, turns out some fool set off professional-grade fireworks which scared them.

Emergency Preparedness

2011-01-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I travelled home on the N-Judah with a très pregnant colleague. Our train was stuck for about 10 minutes in one of the stations.

Pregnant Colleague: I wish they had a better contingency plan for when these things happen.

So of course I'm thinking about escape routes, or alarms, or an announcement system.

P.C.: They should come around and serve us ice cream.

Neighbors

2011-01-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

Dana: I haven't been getting very much sleep lately.

A-L: What ails you?

Dana: Have I told you about the unicorn upstairs?

A-L: No, indeed you have not. Tell all.

Dana: Well, there's a new "person" living in the room above mine. Lots of noise, at night. I've gone upstairs to introduce myself, and to express my concern about the noise. And this "person" is never home.

A-L: Ah, yes. I'm familar with upstairs neighbors. What makes you think it's a unicorn?

Dana: There's lots of prancing about. I can hear the clip-clopping of hooves. And it keeps odd hours. Tell-tale signs. Others have confirmed it sounds like a unicorn.

A-L: Well I'll be. I'd love to bring my nieces over. I'm sure they'd be *thrilled* to meet a unicorn.

Dana: I'll see if we can arrange a pot luck.

Who Knows...

2010-12-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

...what tomorrow brings? But today brings furniture.

Packing for a Trip to the Colonies

2010-12-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Oh to know the provenance of this British toiletpaper roll that somehow made its way to the Goodwill store on Clement, in San Francisco (where I left it).

Mary: But Alistair, it's the Colonies. It's best to be prepared.

When Dogs Paint

2010-12-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

Christmas Blessings of Sorts

2010-12-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Christmas here with a Hot Luck. (Sound familiar? It's a pot-luck perfected by PDX Dave.) Spicy food and drink was the theme. I made deviled eggs, which brought this surprise.

Twins.

Dana: Where did that egg come from?

A-L: A chicken.

(Insert existential chicken/egg loop here.)

And then a friend of semi-half faux Scottish extraction brought this delight:

A-L: Be still my heart. Is that an Irn Bru? Where did you get that?

Scottish(ish) friend: One of the Irish stores.

(Insert existential Scottish/Irish loop. If you know of one.)

Christmas-time Sky in San Francisco

2010-12-24T13:14:00.000-08:00

San Francisco at Christmas-time... In case you need another reason to come visit, dear friends in Scotland, and other cold/rainy climes.

San Francisco Competitive Parenting, Quarterfinals

2010-12-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

SF Parent #1: Does your nanny only speak Spanish with your child?

SF Parent #2: No.

SF Parent #1: Oh, that's too bad. A missed opportunity.

SF Parent #2: But the funny thing is, the cat is terrified of the vacuum cleaner, and she can't tell the nanny and housekeeper apart, so she's scared of both of them.*

SF Parent #1: Oh, I see.

SF Parent #2: Yeah. We're teaching the cat Spanish, so she can distinguish between the two.

*This is a bonus story.

A Metaphor??

2010-12-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday all Christmas items were 30% off at the Salvation Army. (If you receive a slightly yellowed-with-age Christmas card from me, you'll know where it came into my possession.) This handsome nativity set (above) appears to be a bargain at $25. Even cheaper after the discount. (I'm not good at word problems, so I'll leave it the mathematicians to calculate the final price.)

But if you look closely, you'll see a key, er, figure is missing. Yes, dear reader, no Baby Jesus. I have a couple theories.

A. It's part of a new "Where's Baby Jesus?" franchise.

B. It's a metaphor for our times, where people have truly lost sight of "the reason for the season".

C. Sorry Caroline, but there's always the possibility that the giraffe-stealing Presbyterians have him.

And then my friend pointed out that the Jesus slot in the package is the same size as a Ferrero Rocher. Which could be used in a pinch as a substitute.

Overheard, Part XV

2010-12-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

Overheard, two people on a lunch break: Well, it's going to be interesting to see what happens...

Translations: Well, it's going to suck.

WoW from PSP

2010-12-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

"Words of Wisdom from Public Safety Pete" is the theme of the day.

Yesterday I phoned PSP and Irma to check on the progress of "The Great House Painting of 2010."

A-L: How's the house painting going?

PSP: We've hit a snag.

A-L: Tell me more.

PSP: It's raining. And there are two things you don't do in the rain: paint, and pour concrete.

A-L: Wow, just two.

Define: Bonus Story

2010-12-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday PSP reported that he and Irma are getting the house painted. The last time such a thing happened was in 1986, when Mr. Reinhardt, the 4th grade teacher at my elementary school, painted "the Somis house" (as we call her).

PSP: We're getting the house painted.

A-L: Cool, is Mr. Reinhardt still spending his school vacations painting houses?

PSP: Don't think so.

A-L: Do you remember when he painted the Somis house?

PSP: Sure do. And you better believe the painter heard all about it today.

A-L: Wow, he unlocked a bonus story.

(A bonus story is a story not entirely relevant to the situation at hand, and/or not interesting to the listener. Often can be totally irrelevant, and leads to a story set in Finland. It's a conversation feature perfected by some of our family members, who are Finnish, and sisters, and over the age of 70. Although they've been practicing the art of the bonus story since their youth. Not age related. No known treatment.)

PSP: Yes, he sure did. And I see him unlocking a few more bonus stories over the next couple days.

A-L: Did you advise him that the method for "disarming" the bonus story is to answer the question "Have I told you about xxxxx?" with "Yes"?

PSP: Yes. I mean, no.

Sisters...and Regifting

2010-12-12T21:58:00.001-08:00

Look at this special ornament I found at the Salvation Army. (I left it there.)

It says "Sisters share a special Love 1995". I imagine it has a tiny footnote that says "even if you give away this special gift without opening it."

Merry Almost Christmas, Sister Maria.

The Emperor Penguin Had No Shoes

2010-12-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Sister Maria was "helping" Aila and Annais clean up the guest room, when she stumbled upon a village of characters. This tiny dorf was inhabited by toy horses, and unicorns, and this fancily clad fellow:

I call this piece "Penguin in Heels". We took him back home, as he didn't look up for the long walk from the guest room back to the girls' room. Somebody forgot to pack his walking shoes.

Some Bunny

2010-12-05T14:50:00.000-08:00

Some bunny is NOT happy to be at the Goodwill store on Fillmore in San Francisco. Look at that face. I'm not sure why she's holding a rope? Any ideas?

The Toyota Camry

2010-12-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

Last night the Dog-Father drove me to my Camry, which had been strategically parked for over a week.

A-L: Please don't drive away. I'm not entirely confident it will start.

The Camry starts up, and sounds a bit, er, groggy.

A-L: Sounds good, huh?

D-F: Yes, perfect. Purring like a kitten.

A-L: A kitten that's been drinking whisky.

Kitty: A glass of Laphroaig for me, please.