The Financial Whisperer

Is there a tooth brush in your suitcase?

2011-06-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

I talking with a client the other day who was just beginning her 6 month journey with me, and I said to her: "The key piece of all of this is patience and compassion, those are the two companions you need to keep close as you go down the 'football field'.

I gave her the metaphor of:
Picture a football field, and you are at one goal post.
You have a sofa with no wheels, you are 5 years old, and there is a bunch of mis-matched luggage on the cushions.
Your journey will feel at times impossible...you just cannot push that sofa one inch.
And, there are other times when you can get some real movement, and never think about the 'sofa'.

But, I promise you, if you do the work here, by the time you get to the opposing goal post, you will have let go of all the mis-matched suitcases, and have only your tooth brush...and light as a feather and in total control.
(don't forget to pack your Coppertone)

FEAR is the access to SUCCESS

2011-03-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

I went to a networking event last week where Amy Applebaum was the keynote speaker.
When she used the phrase: Fear is the access to Success, a bell went off in my head; one of my brother's favorite expressions as a young adult was the existential comment:
WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER.

Why do I relate these two comments?

Because the root of each comment is the same; perseverance will prevail. What ever is blocking you from your next goal can be shifted, moved aside, broken into smaller pieces and the journey to do that is as important to your self-esteem as reaching that goal.
Often what holds us back is the FEAR to be viewed differently not only from our outside world but more potently, our perception of ourselves.

The key to unlocking the FEAR is to move in small, consistent steps; not huge leaps. In order to truly heal, we need to keep emotionally current as we make changes. Winning the lottery does not give us the time to process the change, which is why most winners go bankrupt.

'Coming 'Round the Mountain.....

2011-03-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

We all know this line from a Gene Autry song: "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes..." which is sung with the joy of anticipation.

But, the other day, when speaking to one of the few male clients I have and we were going over, again, why he was stuck in the fear mode, and that's all that it was, and nothing more, his response was:
"I really need to deal with this, I have been going around this mountain too many times..." My response to him was: "Healing moves very s-l-o-w-l-y, and we need to move forth with compassion, patience, and reasonable expectations. You did not get here in 6 months or 2 years..it will take time and consistency to make any change permanent.

I loved his metaphor because that's often how the future appears....a high mountain ahead and we feel like a small creature. The secret is to change the incline; instead of going around flat, elevate the path to 15 degrees. It won't feel so dramatic and scary but will get you to the top. Small changes will have huge results.

Credentials or street smarts....

2011-03-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

The other day someone asked me (for the umpteenth time) what my credentials are for doing what I do.
I answered: "I have a PhD in street smarts" (got that from Jacqueline Wales).
They laughed, and got the message and then explained to me they rely on their instincts and ignore the formal credentials.
Good.
But, why do some insist upon the alphabet soup after the name in order to feel comfortable?

I have come to the conclusion that when people are either out of their depth, in unfamiliar territory or lack trust of themselves, they don't have a finely tuned sense of what should be happening.

Being able to be a 'good' judge comes from having some familiarity or at the very least, knowing and trusting yourself. How many people have I seen that lack that basic tenet? Plenty. Self-confidence and trust go together and are born from self-esteem and respect.

Knowing yourself is the key to knowing others.

When it's never 'good enough'.....

2011-03-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

I often talk about the perfection mode so many people live with: no matter what they do, it's never good enough; passing sales goals in a month,loosing those 40 pounds, winning the marathon, flying to the moon.
I talk about how that drive for perfection is the endless road; the emotional infinity.

The infinity of perfection is really about the hamster wheel;the endless chase...one keeps running but really never catches the reward of love. This mind set gets cemented in a child's psyche by the time they are 5 years old; they attach performance to finally getting the acceptance and love they were/are entitled to have.

Here's the irony: I help others see it, tackle it and heal from it, but I never thought I was part of 'that' band; I never thought it applied to me until two things happened in the same week.
I had accomplished something that I had been working on all month with very clear daily goals and statistics. I exceeded my goals and many congratulated me...I felt nothing.
I started dating a fellow who was quite smitten with me. All of his compliments fell on deaf ears. I felt nothing.

Coming home from my last date with him, I took stock of the evening and saw the similarity between the two experiences and realized I too had the perfection 'chip', it just unfolds in a different manner.

In my next post, I am going to share with you how I am solving this puzzle and allowing myself to finally receive in arenas that have traditionally been verboten.

Tele-Seminar in 2 Days....

2010-10-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have had such a strong response from women to attend our tele-seminar on the 13th.
Not that I am surprised,but, it feels validating that what I have to share, people want to hear; my theory has been for the last four years, that all women share common issues and are curious as to know how to go about fixing them.

And, that women do very well as a community. By nature we are inclusive and nurturing but often fall into the isolation pit when we start to feel shame, fear, repressed anger.
As we cut of our feelings, we diminish our true identities and then withhold our greatest gifts from one another: wisdom and nurturing.

One of my passions is to help women become more of who they are...in all aspects of their lives. "It matters less when you arrive than if you arrive."

Imagintion....

2010-10-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

Something came up the other day and I found myself drifting into a fantasy based upon some slim facts. And, I was driving... it is my best time to think and unravel certain mysteries.

By the time I had reached my destination, I had the whole scenario mapped out and felt a false sense of accomplishment that I had actually solved a dilemma.

However, I then received more facts that were anything but slim...and my entire scenario went out the window.
I took a step back and realized I have the imagination of a 5 year old...and found that amusing. After all, 5 year-old's don't have years of wisdom to recall and put to use.

They just have pure thoughts, untempered by experience. And, to a five year-old, anything and everything is possible. Then I realized that as adults, we are supposed to embrace those beliefs too; anything and everything is possible...stay open and trust that the universe will put amazing things on your path as part of your journey to heal.

So, I've come full circle and now when I need help solving a problem I make sure little Pegi is sitting on my shoulder...she certainly has had some whacky ideas!

Showing Up....

2010-09-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing experience this past week. I was supposed to be in Malibu for a networking event, and I was considering not going because I had to do so much in a limited amount of time.
But, I went and met a woman who had influenced my life 18+ years ago by my reading her break-thru book: Motherless Daughters.
There she was, seven feet from me...I was so thrilled, it made my day!

Hope Edelman in her book, writes about the loss a young girl experiences when her Mother dies prematurely.
My mother did not pass until I was 55, but her comment in the book about mothers emotionally leaving her child, resonated with me on a profound level; for the first time someone put words to an feeling I had, but could not express.
She gave me permission to step back from my relationship and see my mother as flawed, responsible but, a victim herself.
It changed the course of my desire to really find out what happened and why...and then be able to heal from that damage.

Spot QUIZ (spelling not required)

2010-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Haven't heard that phrase in 40 years...

My PR guru, Ann Baker [publicitypros.net] suggested I post 3 questions to get
women more focused on how seemingly random feelings are really connected.

My experience in my sessions are that as I ask probing questions, clients
become more introspective and attentive to their own internal process.
So, I put together 3 quiz questions :

http://thefinancialwhisperer.com/takethequiz.htm

Answer these questions and see where you are on the discomfort meter.

The key to healing is feeling. Plain and simple.
Taking the leap and dealing with the
discomfort in the process of reclaiming your life, is the journey of a well traveled path taken by many before you. Their wisdom will light your path.

Is That Your Hand in MY Pocket ?

2010-08-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

Why negotiating is good for your self-esteem.

There’s no question that women have issues about money, entitlements, and boundaries.
Knowing where this all comes from is a critical piece in someone’s journey of healing. Self-awareness is the portal to repairing the damage a woman feels today from her childhood experiences and societal messaging.
The women who negotiate about personal items verses business items, are comfortable in their sense of entitlements; “it’s my money and I will decide how and where I spend it, and I am not concerned about your perception of WHO I am in this exchange.” Bravo !!

But, most women shy away from negotiating because it touches off shame and the lack of boundaries. So often what underlies the hesitation to negotiate is the need for approval and to be liked, even by a stranger. How many times do you hear women refuse to go into small boutiques to shop because the attention of the sales person is too focused on them? They have difficulty setting the boundaries and will feel intimidated, whereas in a larger store, they can be almost invisible.

A good tool for one’s self-esteem is this:
Look at purchasing as a game. Find what you want, set a price lower than the ticket and then engage the salesperson and query them how to get the item for less… what would you have to give up to knock the price down? And, relax while you do it, keep your face and body soft and likable, smile a lot and be persistent. People prefer to deal with people who are sweet, lovely, and humorous…. remember, they may be having a challenging day, and you could very well be the highlight of their day.

Gulliver's Travels ....

2010-08-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

There is a phrase I use constantly when talking to people about how authentic change is a very slow moving process, and patience combined with compassion is the way to manage that time.
The phrase is: "like little cat feet...." and the example I use is: " If you were walking from here to Santa Barbara, and everyday you only took ONE cat step, it might take you a year to get to SB, but you would get there....." Everyone nods in acknowledgment....they get the picture.

Then another image came to mind in trying to get a client to grasp the enormity of the journey, so she would stop punishing herself for not making faster progress.

Gulliver...remember the image of him being tied down by thousands of tiny, thin ropes that to him were 'just' strings...but how the villagers actually had control over him.

Well, our fears, our monsters in our closets are like the villagers....holding us back from living a life that belongs to us, not our fears.

So, each time we have a cat step forward, we are cutting yet another rope, another tie, releasing another fear from occupancy in our heads.
And, it moves slowly.....intentionally.

So, be patient, be kind to yourself, you are on the right road....

Back In The Saddle....

2010-08-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

No, I am not taking up Gene Autry songs from the prairie...as you all have noticed, I have been AWOL for four months. A self-imposed hiatus as I dealt with a lot of personal loss and change that took all of my concentration and focus to stay 'in the boat', as I call it when the storm kicks up, challenging everything we thought we 'knew' to be true.

( I love metaphors...)

So, back I am, in a new home, in a new part of LA, and living a partially new life, which I have earned at a cost.

"The cost"? you might ask....the cost was/is about letting go; letting go of demons, more monsters in my closet, re-defining my life without the luggage of drama. Experiencing my life sans the confusion.

So, I am on the eve of my business really expanding yet again...the recordings are up on the site, Susan Solovic is putting me on her ABC Show this Friday, PR releases are out and the telephone is ringing......this is a good week....

My August Newsletter is about PERMISSION and I am including one of my recordings...so sign up and listen to one of my clients talk about SHAME.

Attention is the currency....

2010-03-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was reading a magazine this morning, where the writer used the phrase: Attention is the currency of a relationship. I love this. For the longest time, I have said:
The two things children are hungry for are: presence and patience. And, as we get older and more secure with ourselves, presence wins over patience.

Those who have that gap in their lives, gravitate to those who offer that level of nurturing...mostly, unknowingly. Sort of like turning your face to the warmth of the sun; you do it without thinking.

I have a friend who truly embodies the phrase LOVE....she oozes it; in her speech, mannerisms, everything about her makes that statement. No wonder where ever she goes, people just perk up when they see her. It's as if she sprinkles fairly dust where ever she goes. In those nano seconds of contact, she is 100% present...and whoever is in her line of vision, feels it. And, those who know her better can count on her to be 100% present when they are sharing a problem, asking advice or just being in the same space.

She, for me, has become a great role model for how to be in a loving space, all the time. It takes discipline, and focus...but, then again, it's really about being in the moment...a challenge that has been on my path for a long time.
Learning to shift impacts everyone around you...even total strangers.

The sun is out...another great day in LA....!

Letting GO....

2010-03-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

As many of you may know, these months of March and April, for me, are in part about literally moving, but as I take a step back and get a different perspective, there are many life lessons the universe is putting in front of me, and I am taking the female Alpha role to embrace those lessons and learn more about myself.

Having said that, I did want to share this piece that I wrote 5 months ago which is very timely:

I am currently watching a client move from the old mental file factory of FEAR into the house of JOY.I am thrilled for her and once again feel validated that it is not too late to change; that even at 63, we can all make different choices.

It takes blind courage sometimes. Certainly a leap of Faith, definitely the early signs of Trust. And, it requires discipline to keep at it.

And, it is a slow process that requires patience and compassion.
Just yesterday I was talking with a person from our current workshop series, and she is 32, and she asked me:
“Tell me honestly, do you really think I can have a different life? Will there be a time when I actually stop worrying, stop being afraid of men, stop obsessing over money and my shame about it?”

I did not hesitate one iota, I knew the correct answer was ‘Yes” because of my journey into letting go of FEAR and embracing JOY.
As I trust myself now in my current life, so can she, so can you.

How much of our adult life is stuck in replaying old issues in our mind, repeatedly like a hamster on a wheel. That file factory stores not only real events, but imaginary ones as well. That’s a lot of megabites.

But, spiritually, this is our work in this life now; to heal, to mend, to forgive and move ahead. When we start practicing letting go it is a road of two steps ahead, one back…wash, rinse and repeat…. if we can keep our commitments, we can get there…trust the universe; what happens, happens for a reason.

Dancing In The Dark...

2010-01-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

I was sitting with a dear friend today who's birthday is this week...turning 46...and I commented on my approaching birthday ( it's 9 months away..) but still, time is moving too fast. I said to her: "I can't dance fast enough to catch up with my life."
After she stopped laughing she said: "What a great book title !" But, it's true...time is speeding so fast, I feel like I have whiplash.

But, the other part of why things feel they are moving so fast is: I am in the dark as to what is around the corner for me; I have my favorite dog loosing her health, I am giving up this amazing house that has helped me heal these last 2.5 years, and my perfect paycheck job is in re-invention mode, so, for the next 6 months, I need a replacement.

Did you just think: "STRESS???" Yup....that's my life now...and has been here since November. But, sometimes I step back and look at the 3 lessons these life altering events are forcing me to face: DOG: Letting go; House: standing still; Job search: Patience.
Each one of those, by themselves is a huge challenge for me, but all three....that's the trifecta! Where can I go to gain wisdom to cope with all of this? Where can I go to just get a break from the constant feeling of a boot on my neck? How do I let go and let it all float off my psyche like paint rising in water off a canvas?

Unfortunately, there is no taking a vacation from this self-imposed 'hamster-on-a-wheel' cycle. The only way out is to bring in the Canadian Mounted Police: Trust, Faith and Courage. This is a toughie...this is real challenge, this feels like the hardest thing I have ever done...: Let go, Stand Still and have Patience. And the underlying force for all three has been fear, so by letting go of the fear, and not jumping into action because of fear and stopping the internal assumptions that what is in my hand will disappear because of fear, I can begin to ground myself and come from a place of power and control. Fear and power are opposite sides of the same coin.

So, another month has passed....and my birthday is now even closer....but, I'm getting some perspective....and not buying candles this week.

Worrying...a form of punishment ?

2010-01-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt that worrying is gender specific; women worry more than men. I was thinking about an article a friend sent the other day from a woman's health site that was taking about the physical ramifications of worrying and how it is so bad for one's health. Well,on one hand, that just adds more worrying; worrying about worrying. hmmmm.
And then I started to think, "why do we worry more?"

I always go backwards to our development as a society...back to pioneer days, back to cave man days ...and what seems to be consistent is the feeling of vulnerability; women have that instinctively, men don't. Women were left behind to tend the hearth, protect the children, keep the nest intact; men were out competing and bringing home food.

Ok, so now what do we do with that insight?
I have had clients for whom worrying is almost a second job. For me, worrying has taken on the subtle mantel of self-punishment. As my life has shifted in many ways quite dramatically this past year, my anger over some of my choices is surfacing, and instead of being played out in a direct manner, it has been disguised as worrying.

How do I know this to be true? Because every time we depart from being totally authentic and allow our fears to control our actions, we are being unfaithful to ourselves. It matters less the 'weapon of choice' and more that once we have crossed over the threshold of taking back our lives, we are smarter, more aware and more clever to find new ways to keep ourselves in the dark. It is a constant work in progress.

Worrying takes us away from being in the moment. Worrying shifts the focus from the now to the future, and side steps the compassion for our selves and the surrender of the thinking that things will be whatever the universe has planned for us.

For me, this has been the year of letting go...which I think I have only made progress to 25%; it is truly one of the hardest things for me to do. Letting go requires trust of the unknown, giving up control, getting on you back and floating.

More about that next time...

Intimacy...

2009-12-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

This time of year evokes so many emotions for people, more so than any other holiday.
Why? Because so much of it starts when we are children...and the traditions, rituals, expectations and fantasies get supported by cultural stereo types: classic films with snow, people all seeming filled with good will, young children believing someone actually comes down the chimney, and everything having a happy ending; Macy's loves Gimbals, Jimmy Stewart comes to his senses, guns are silent for those on the battle fronts.

But...for many, the reality is not so romantic. The holidays for them stir up feelings of yearning and loss; of emptiness and dread, of guilt and duty. So many people get on a plane, go to where their families are, get surrounded by siblings and relatives they do not feel even remotely connected to.

What is that missing link that everyone wants but rarely gets?
Intimacy with their primary family members.

What is intimacy?
It is the undisguised face that you have when with someone you trust on the deepest level; you can be totally raw, authentic, revealing and they won't walk away from you.
They will not mock your feelings, judge your thoughts or dismiss your pain and confusion.
They will take it all in and hold those moments with the utmost gentleness and protection...all to make you feel safe. Those nano-seconds can feel like an eternity...that is both blissful and tentative.

Intimacy is first established by parents. If they cannot be intimate with themselves, they cannot teach it to their children. Most parents did not receive it from their parents, and the cycle continues.But, it is not too late to find it as an adult...just takes more awareness and courage to create.

So, what many people do, is they go outside their primary unit to get that nurturing if they understand it.
If they don't understand that piece, they have varied types of relationships that are like a patchwork quilt, always making excuses as to why they put up with some friends' bad behaviors. But the loneliness hides in the shadows, always waiting to slip out and grab hold of you, if only for a few minutes.

What feeds the loneliness in part, is the detachment from our authentic selves and the fear of expressing what we really want, what we really need. So often, children grow up in environments where their desires are criticized, judged, squashed down. The message that child takes away from those encounters is: you are not worthy, you do not matter except to serve me, my needs are more important than yours.

So, now that we are adults, how do we chip away at that loneliness? How do we feel intact while being separate from others?

We accomplish that by again, dialoging with our inner 5 year old, who we place on our lap, and ask her very directly how she feels (alone) and what would make her feel better that 'we' could do on our own? What would make her smile ?
She will have amazing answers...it comes down to feeling you deserve pleasure..you deserve to feel good and calm.
As soon as you shift the focus from powerlessness to being active, the loneliness will shift. Sometimes for me, I start cleaning an area with a toothbrush, which helps me get into motion and be distracted from my thoughts..which then creates a pathway for pleasure to slip in and make her desires be known...without judgments.
So, the house is cleaner and my metaphorical house feels better too.

Because I get to talk to so many women, day in and day out on a deeply personal level, I start to feel I have become the expert on loneliness; where it starts, how it moves through one’s life like a constant companion, patiently waiting in the shadows for the just the right opening to creep in, like a vapor under the door jam.

The consistency that makes this such a universal experience is that everyone I talk with has had a childhood of interrupted and denied pleasure. That’s where loneliness, which breeds isolation, gets it’s start; that’s where the cement is poured, and set for life. So, it is no wonder that a 45 year old person can drift into such isolation, claiming they are bored, cannot find anything of interest to do, sits home feeling withdrawn, goes shopping just to be out and loses interest her purchases a week later, eats when not really hungry, and goes through the day feeling numb.

When adults have a challenging time trying to identify what gives them joy, pleasure or a sense of fulfillment, it is rooted in their early years. Parents, care givers, teachers have all the power when a child is young…their encouragement to be themselves, rather than fit into a pre-prescribed mode, helps confirm to the child that they, themselves, have value; that being an individual separate from the adult, and having their own feelings, confirms their identity. That is one of the presets of joy and pleasure. This is one of the building blocks of self-esteem.

Everyone is entitled to be happy…it’s even in our Constitution. But most parents never were allowed to be themselves either, so the cycle continues. They had to fit into a certain mode of expectations.

So many people lament about feeling alone…even when in a relationship. What’s the problem?
The answer is: not being self-nurturing, not giving one’s self-permission to have joy, pleasure, and self- amusement. And, being in a relationship that lacks true emotional intimacy just further extends one’s sense of isolation. External relationships can nurture us and sustain us only so long. We ourselves need to connect with our own sense of self to really feel whole.

Everyone I have spoken with this month has expressed the same thoughts about 2009...a year of enormous challenge, adversity in some cases and growth.
I know for me, 2010 is the year to put into action what I learned this past year about letting go and trusting what I cannot touch in my hands.

Happy New Year.....

Fear of Heights=Fear of Change

2009-12-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

As I was talking with my Wed eve workshop, what became a consistent theme that evening was how so many of the women were on new frontiers of change, but could not give themselves credit for their journey and transformation so far...

As I drove home I started to think about how similar the fears feel when someone who is afraid of heights echos the person on the boarder of old and familiar facing yet another shift in their self-awakening. Those consistent little pushes and tugs that we feel as we try to navigate yet another challenge.

As we teeter-totter on that ledge,staring down from a great distance,it gives one a dizzy feeling, much like the person feels as they try to move from the old to the new, from the familiar to the foreign, from darkness to light.

When we give ourselves the kudos for a job well done, we are reminding ourselves of how far we have come by doing the work ourselves...WE did the work. WE are capable, smart, and good hearted. Who ever made us feel than perfect, not deserving of respect, love, and security needs to step aside; this is our time in the sun, this is our chance to break out of the self imposed prison we have resided in all of our lives.

The journey of revealing to ourselves who we really are, often feels like either walking over broken glass..or trying to traverse a slippery slope. And the comedy of it all, is to stand at that ledge, look back and see how far you have climbed...and celebrate that daily.

You are the best version of YOU that the universe has created...congratulations ! I've never seen a better version of you than what is in front of me right now...!!

Debt-free and The Steel-toed Boot

2009-11-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

Someone the other day walked up to me and said: "What is the one word that best describes the benefits someone gains by talking your sessions?"

I thought about it for about 2 seconds and answered: "choice". I knew this without hesitation because I had asked myself the same question a few years ago.
I show people that they have more power, more options than they currently use. This is not rocket science BUT, it is every bit as elusive as science when you don't have a clue on how to shift from being angry, shameful about your debts,and fearful, to being calm, quietly assertive, and feeling in control. Trying to become debt-free is a great exercise in personal empowerment.

I always use the metaphor to my clients of a steel-toed boot; that image pressing down on my neck is how I have felt many times when I was living the life that was prescribed to me by my survival mode. The 'shoulds' ran my life. Mr and Mrs Should moved in and took up residency when I was about 5 years old, and they have made most of the decisions in my life.

Until recently.
When my life imploded 3 years ago, and I scrambled to hold onto something, the only people who extended their hands were friends who had traveled that road already and were wise, grounded and joyful. In everything that I was reading and hearing, CHOICE kept cropping up. Choice is power. Choice is taking control. Healthy choices keep us intact; choices made out of fear put us in peril.

As I struggled to manage the debts my then husband and I had accumulated, paying them off always felt like the boot was on my neck. I was angry and resentful at both myself and him, and some of the people who I allowed to take advantage of my good nature.

But, in the months and years that I have healed, making the choice to pay something early or do something for myself that is joyful, fills me with pleasure; I don't feel the negative metaphor of the boot on my neck; conversely, I feel free and bountiful, and clean that I am making choices to take care of myself in a assertive, calm, loving fashion.

Every time you make a choice to really nurture yourself, you are being loving to yourself. Compassion and patience are always waiting in the wings for you.

Financial Intimacy

2009-11-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Teaching Financial Education is not working. The government and other entities are spending tons of money trying to 'teach' money; it does not work that way.

Showing someone HOW to budget is one thing, getting them to understand the underlying reasons WHY they have so much debt is very different.

Financial Literacy as it being taught today, skims the surface of debt advice, how to get out of debt, how to manage your money. What people, and especially women, need to do is dig DEEPER into the reasons WHY; Which for all of you who understand my program, is the starting place to identify the monsters in your 'closet'; the people who were toxic in your childhood. Putting a name and a face to those protagonists, gives you tools so you can then heal, and THEN later learn budgeting.

Financial Intimacy, as I call it, is really being connected your real inner truths about the shame you might be feeling, the anger you might be carrying around, the fears that hold onto about money.

Money is just a metaphor. It's really about your RELATIONSHIP to.........whatever, you fill in the blank; could be your spouse, child, brother, boss; it's a person first and then the material world second. So, if you have problems with food...eating too much or too little,for example, your problem originates with a primary relationship with a person in your past.
Examining your early childhood, and understanding the family dynamics is the key to unlocking those secrets.

I have a client who's husband one day turned to her and said: "If you really loved me, you would ____________(I forgot the request)"
She was shocked that he connected love with a request to do something for him.
We talked about it later,and I told her...: "kids are copycats...they repeat everything they hear". Four days went by,and she then heard her Mother-in-law say the exact thing to her 10 year old grandson......BINGO ! That's where her husband learned such an absurd comment. Is no wonder that how learned how to communicate started at birth.

But, now as an adult, someone can break that code of forgotten comments and move forth to a more authentic and intimate way of not only communicating but of a deeper understanding of how different parts of their interactions as children impacted their sense of self, which totally controlled their self-esteem.

And, you are asking..how does this relate to finances?

Your self-esteem is the engine for all of your relationships, whether they are people, pets, pizza, or pesos...heal your self-esteem and the money will follow.

A Self-Governing Individual

2009-11-10T08:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as my clients must feel; this roller coaster of emotions affected less by the lunar positions, immune from the glaring sun, dispatched from the softness of joy.
"What is this really all about?" I asked myself the other day..."what is really our purpose here, and why am I having a bad time?" Who can I complain to?

I truly believe what happens, happens for a reason...but, some days, I just would like a vacation from school, a break from being practical ALL the time, relief from duty.

I am whining...I am feeling sorry for myself and allowing the bunny inside of me to scamper all over the beautiful garden and not take one nibble from any beckoning rutabaga, seductive tomato or lyrical fiddlehead fern.

I started re-reading one of my favorite books: Eat, Pray, Love...the passage about India specifically. The reason why this book must have been so popular was that some of her feelings are universal to all women; they resonate in a way that not only breaks our isolation and validates our feelings but tracks her passage from the darkness to the light, without any apologies.

I like that.

And, I for once, totally changed how I start my day....I gave myself permission to sit in bed and read, journal while drinking tea ( I gave up coffee after 40 years..).
and when it starts to get light out, I am ready to go downstairs and feed my dog, feed myself and open my computer. It feels amazing!

I am giving myself permission to step away from the moving vehicle and breathe in a way I have never before breathed. As much as I thought I was in control of my life and making choices that were in my best interest...the spiritual piece of my life was/is incomplete.

In my wildest dreams I never thought I would be ever actually write a letter to GOD...and mail it. I never was one who counted on anyone for anything, except out of fear. I have always been a big proponent of writing by hand, whether they be thank-you notes or journaling, so writing a letter by itself did not seem odd; who it was addressed to, did. But, now that I am ramping up (or is it letting go...) my spiritual journey, I figured this would be okay.

So far, this has been a great couple of days. I feel different...softer, lighter more open.

Understandably. There's a new sheriff in town, and she making new choices and allowing the space to be fearless and full of trust and full of adventure.

Why Change Sometimes Makes us feel Schizophrenic

2009-11-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

It sometimes amazes me that the first 5 years of our lives determines how we move through the world; and that we can then spend the next 85 years trying to heal those wounds. Somehow, that doesn't seem fair.

As we embark on a journey of self-discovery, the road at times feels as if we are walking on broken glass. The slivers and jagged edges is so painful we question will it ever end. When will the pain stop. But, from my experience, I never looked back and wished I had not asked "WHY", never regretted breaking free from the falsehoods.

The further we move down the road away from that inauthentic life that we were on some level forced to lead, we look back and ask: WHO WAS THAT PERSON? I know for myself, I am almost embarrassed when I am face to face with my "old" self, like talking to my ex-husband today. How in the world did I marry him? I ask myself: did I have that much damaged self-esteem that I settled for someone who was such a poor fit.

But, this is where compassion comes in. Without it, we cannot forgive anyone, anywhere.
Without it, we can not move forward.

But, this is where the Schizophrenic feeling starts to bubble up. Two opposing feelings, two opposing thoughts having a tug-o-war in my head. The Bunny and the Wolf.
Fear verses strength. And that battle can take on a life and death intensity.
I talked about this in September's blog.
Why am I bringing this up again, you might be asking....

I came across something I wrote 3 years ago, and it was about becoming non-negotiable, trusting one's self, finally. And clarity of one's boundaries. I was at the beginning of my evolution of becoming my own person, leaving behind that collage of feelings, behaviors and haunting feelings that something was always 'off'. Talk about going through life feeling slightly schizophrenic...

Looking back at my young adult years, up to 3 years ago, I can see how we all change in layers...much like ascending a spiral staircase and looking down; the perspective changes as we go up, and the problem gets smaller as we heal.

And frankly,for me, it was not a road filled with compassion. Quite the opposite. But, I did finally learn the purpose and benefit of compassion, which helped me gain patience, another kind word absent from my formative years.

Change is never easy. It takes raw honesty,discipline and commitment...and, patience.

Suze Orman+ Sherlock Holmes=Financial Whisperer

2009-10-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

When ever I talk to either groups of people or individuals, inevitability they ask me if I do what Suze Orman does. I do not dispense financial advice, nor tell people how to get out of debt, nor give them financial tools.

What I do is help them dig deep into the reasons WHY they have so much debt, why they cannot manage their money, why personal finances has become the theater in which they express their pain.

The Financial Whisperer is about healing the source of the pain, not stage II, as I call financial planners and people like Suze Orman. People cannot keep their commitments unless they have healed, so when Suze Orman gives you advice as to personal budgeting, so many people fail at it because their foundation is not solid.

And, Suze Orman only focuses on financial issues. I always say to people: "it's not really about the money; it's about your relationships with the material world, whether it be spouses, children, co-workers, friends, your home, etc.

A little detective work goes a long way on the path to self-awareness.

Living Debt-Free

2009-10-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Oddly enough, living debt-free starts in your head. Seeking financial advice from people who themselves are internally grounded is always a good thing. But, taking their advice in other areas in which they are struggling, needs to be put in context.

One of the financial tools I talk about in our workshops is:
The Elephant in the Living room is Blocking your Doorway to Success. How you manage money, your personal finances, personal budgeting, is all about relationships; the elephant represents your fears. What we don't talk about actually controls us. Regardless of it's subject.
How can you live debt-free or even get out of debt unless you have enough income to off set the expenses you have accumulated ?
If that fear is holding you back from making more money, then you are sitting on the sofa staring at that animal...

But, sitting on the sofa can also be valuable time used: acknowledging that it is FEAR that is holding you back, and using tools to calm your inner four year-old will be the path out of that room. And,in little steps.

After all, how big is the step of a four year-old ? That's where self compassion steps in to hold that moment of fear, breathe and proceed with clarity.

Get out of Debt

2009-10-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

So often people ask me for financial advice, help with debt, how to manage their personal finances.
My response always is: That is the back end of the horse; the front end needs to get attended to first.
What happened in your childhood lays the groundwork for your relationship with money.
For that matter, for your relationships with everything in the material world.
Women and money is a very hot topic these days. The irony is: women have always suffered with financial issues, but up until now,they have been hidden in plain sight.

So, how you handle money can display the pain from your early years...before you were 6 years old.
Men's issues are different from women's; women have a lot of shame surrounding their finances, a lot of guilt, and generally a lack of boundaries that are always getting crossed.
And, what makes it more complicated is isolation. When people are in pain and withdraw, the pain becomes more acute because their underlying fears come out to play.

Talking to others, joining Debtor's Anonymous, sharing the pain in the appropriate places is one way to start the journey of healing the shame.