The Five Worst...

The Five Worst Movies I Watched on Netflix This Week: Halloween Edition

2015-05-15T02:34:00.001-07:00

The Five Worst Movies I Watched on Netflix This Week: Halloween Edition

Last week, I covered 5 really terrible movies from Netflix's streaming library. This week, in honor of Halloween, I'm going to list the 5 worst horror movies I watched in the last week. I can tolerate a lot of nonsense in a movie, but these wretched creations are almost too much for even the most stout-hearted viewer.

*Minor spoilers will be present here. I will warn you if a major spoiler is coming.*

5. The Immortalizer

Starring: Ron Ray, Chris Crone
Year: 1989

I had high hopes for this one, as the description sounded interesting and it was from the '80's (the golden age of slasher films and unintentional horror humor). The first 10 minutes were pretty decent, featuring some horribly dubbed dialogue, some semi-crude sex comments and a funny '80's dance soundtrack. In particular, a character named Darrell stood out. He (briefly) brought some comic relief as the brash older brother of the main character, Gregg.

Of course, this movie wouldn't be on this list if everything continued to be awesome. Or even merely decent. Once the characters got to the hospital/laboratory/dungeon of the nefarious Dr. Divine, the whole thing went to shit.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why horror movie directors and writers can't figure out the formula to making an entertaining scary movie. You need to land at least half of the things on the following checklist before putting the movie out:

Interesting plot
Sufficient violence/gore (even in a low budget offering this can be achieved)
Sex appeal (can make up for inadequacies in the first two areas)
Humorous dialogue/catchphrases
Solid soundtrack (horror depends on music to set the tone and mood)
Fluid pacing (in other words, keep the story moving)

Sounds pretty simple, right? Unfortunately not. The Immortalizer fails spectacularly on numbers 3, 4 and 6 and moderately on 2 and 5. The plot is somewhat interesting - a sadistic doctor removing pieces of attractive young people and implanting them in/on elderly patients who have a fear of growing old - but that's it.

Worst line of the movie:

"It's so big, I need someone to help me hold it." - Darrell

My Netflix Rating: 2 Stars

4. White Dog

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Paul Winfield

Year: 1982

This movie is about a white German Shepherd that is trained to attack black people. Yes, you read that correctly. The dog is found by our main character (Julie, played by McNichol) and taken in as a means of home security. Julie isn't aware of the dog's ingrained prejudices, so she is confused when the dog starts showing up with blood all over himself.

Julie takes him to an (black, of course) animal trainer (Winfield), who ascertains quickly that the canine has been taught to attack people of color. That's where the movie gets too weighty and tries to give us a sermon on equality and civil rights. I won't spoil the ending, but it's pretty over-wrought. I watch horror movies for an escape, not to have to think about issues afflicting society.

The movie scores pretty low on most of the points I outlined above, especially for its lack of quality violence and sex appeal and also it's slow-moving story. Once the dog starts his training the story crawls along at an unbearable slow pace.

Worst line of the movie:

"You know, for an intelligent girl, sometimes you aren't very bright." - Julie's boyfriend

My Netflix Rating: 2 Stars

3. Haunting of Winchester House

Starring: Lira Kellerman, Michael Holmes

Year: 2009

The background of the real-life Winchester House is fascinating. This movie is not.

The movie is supposed to be a ghost story about the crazy-ass haunted house in California built by the widow of the owner of the Winchester firearms company. But the story is hardly scary and the ending is one of the most cliche plot twists in horror movie history. Again, I won't spoil it, but if you are a horror movie fan, you'll probably see it coming.

The worst part about this movie is that it's just flat out boring. I truly didn't give a shit about anything that was happening, and all of the characters got on my nerves. There were attempts at campy, fun dialogue, but they just fell flat. For a ghost story to be successful, it has to be either mega-creepy or somewhat hilarious. This was neither.

The effects (or lack thereof) were awful, which is expected for a low-budget junk pile like this, but at the very least some creativity could have been employed.

Worst of all, there were barely any references to the fucked-up nature of the actual Winchester house. To say the least, the layout of that house in unorthodox. But the movie makes no effort to use the house's features in its plot or as a means of explaining more of the lore of the house. I know they weren't filming on the real property, but damn, couldn't they have at least talked about the strange windows and staircases and secret passages?

Worst line of the movie:

"You know what squirrels do? They bite your nuts." - Susan

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

2. Knock, Knock

Starring: Nicole Abisinio, Joli Julianna

Year: 2007

Holy shit, the acting in this movie is awful. I can't even comprehend how it's this bad. Again, I'm not expecting virtuoso performances, but there has to be some level of proficiency for me to start to believe in the story unfolding on screen.

The movie's premise is that a killer attacks the parents of high school students in ways corresponding to their professions. Not a bad idea for a slasher film centered around high school kids. But when you want all of the kids to get hacked to pieces, and it clearly isn't a movie where the killer is some sort of anti-hero, there is a problem.

And I'll allow that they did provide some nudity and gore with their limited resources. It was almost as if the filmmakers had some semblance of what would make a good teen slasher flick, but they just abandoned it all or got overwhelmed in the process of making the movie. Sort of like how Kevin Smith making a non-stoner comedy film, where he goes heavy on emotion and forgets what his strengths are - dick jokes and nerd-isms.

Worst line of the movie:

"It was a black thing. You know how THEY are." - Billy

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

1. Blood Monkey

Starring: F. Murray Abraham

Year: 2007

First off, if you're going to call a movie Blood Monkey, you had better SHOW THE FUCKING BLOOD MONKEY DURING THE MOVIE.

Now that we've established how much of a tease this movie was, we can focus on its many failures. The death scenes are terrible, as we're forced to look through the eyes of the goddamn monkey, which limits us to seeing bad angles with a red filter over the camera lens.

There is no sex appeal to be found here (in fact, some of the characters are downright hideous). The dialogue takes itself too seriously given the absurdity of the film's plot. The music is forgettable garbage and the plot isn't any better.

F. Murray Abraham has been in some decent movies, for the life of me I can't figure out why he jumped into this shit-wagon.

Worst line of the movie:

N/A - They all sucked.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

The Five Worst Characters From LOST

2011-10-24T00:14:00.000-07:00

I really liked the first 3 seasons of Lost. After that, (and the writer's strike) it kind of became a mess filled with plot holes and unanswered questions. The show kept presenting new characters, even as it was killing off existing ones who still had unfulfilled stories.

Like many, even 18 months later, I still think about the show quite a bit. I can't help but wonder what could have been, especially as I'm watching Breaking Bad launch itself into the discussion of "greatest show ever?" Lost was the show that at one point made me feel that way. Its mystery and character development were its strengths, but every now and then they totally whiffed on a character.

This happened a little more in the last two seasons, as the writers and producers scrambled to introduce new plot lines and characters. But in some cases, characters just sucked from the get-go. For this post, I'm focusing on characters who had a role of some significance (20 episodes or more on the show). Sorry, Nikki and Paulo.

Here are the five worst characters from Lost.

5. Mr. Eko

Played By: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

Photo courtesy of cinemablend.com

This character could have been really, really badass. Physically imposing, silent for weeks, and constantly struggling to put a life of crime behind him and focus on a quest for redemption, Mr. Eko was a character unlike any other. Instead, his entire existence on the show turned out to mean nothing. Like, to the point that if you went back and edited out every scene he was ever in, it wouldn't change your ability to understand what happens. For someone who was a major presence for a season and a half, he sure wasn't very important.

Mr. Eko could have added a lot to the final seasons, given his propensity toward spirituality and his history of brutality. I thought his back story was good, if a little unoriginal. I think he could have done a little more ass-kicking on the show, and that they could have written in some moments where he would truly struggle with his faith. Maybe if Akinnuoye-Agbaje would have wanted to remain on the show (he asked to be written out during Season 3) they could have explored those things.

Ultimately, Mr. Eko's inclusion on this list isn't due to any fault of Akinnuoye-Agbaje. He just wasn't given enough significance by (show creators) Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. Had he stuck around for another couple of years and thrashed ass with his scripture stick, he might have ended up as the best Lost character ever. Even if his beard was worse than Keanu Reeves'.

4. Michael Dawson

Played By: Harold Perrineau

Michael does plenty of annoying shit during his 48 episodes on the show. In his pre-island life he became a shiftless starving artist after his baby-mama left him for a job overseas and a new man. He ended up further depressed after getting hit by a car and surviving.

Michael's most memorable example of being insufferable occurs during the aftermath of his son Walt's (who almost made this list himself) kidnapping at the end of Season 1. I'll let this video explain:

Pretty damned bad, huh? Then he goes on to kill Hurley's lady-friend, Libby, which was not cool because Hurley was the most likable character on the show. He didn't deserve that.

Then, once you thought Michael's stupid ass was gone from the show, boom! He's back in Season 4, causing more shit on the freighter off the coast of the island. Your death didn't come soon enough, Mike.

3. Kate Austen

Played By: Evangeline Lilly

Photo courtesy of Jezebel.com

Look, I know a lot of people were big Kate fans. I understand the role of the heroine/strong female lead. And I know a lot of people think she's super-sexy, and while I disagree, I understand that, too. But no main character fucked up as much stuff as Kate during the course of this show.

My biggest bitch about Kate is that she created incessant turmoil with Jack and Sawyer with her hot-and-cold routines with both of them. Lost dragged this shit out for most of 6 years. What's worse is all the Youtube video tributes to Kate and Jack, and all the blogs that spouted lovey-dovey horseshit about her involvement with the doc and the bad boy. People spent more time giving a shit about a relationship between a fictional arsonist/murderer and a drug-addled surgeon than they did about their own lives.

The other thing that bothered me was how macho Kate always acted. I think that's the reason I don't find her attractive. She had to stick her nose in everything everyone was doing, and any time there was a dangerous mission to be embarked upon, she was all "I'm going with you." Inexplicably, she became a master at tracking people after about a month on the island, which is absolute nonsense.

J.J. Abrams originally envisioned Jack being killed off during the initial crash and Kate becoming the lead character and savior of those on the island. Fuck, I'm glad that didn't happen. The show would have been like Lilith Fair meets Sex and the City meets a tropical polar bear eating the fuck out of a bunch of plane crash survivors.

Wait, what am I saying? That would be an awesome show. J.J., WE HAVE TO GO BACK!

2. Juliet Burke

Played By: Elizabeth Mitchell

Juliet was the fertility doctor brought in by the Others who turned out to be romantically interested in Jack, only to end up with Sawyer (sound familiar?). When my mind was completely blown in the Season 3 opener after the reveal of the Others' neighborhood on the island, I thought Juliet, Ben and the rest of the gang would provide for some really TV. I was right about Ben.

Honestly, I could tolerate Juliet much more if she would stop doing that closed-mouth, raised-eyebrow smirk that she does. Even when she's trying to be sincere it comes off as smarmy and patronizing. If she would elicit emotion like every other human on the show she might not have made it into this list, and she at least would have fallen behind Kate.

Juliet was also a home-wrecker, hooking up with Goodwin in secret in the time prior to the crash of Oceanic 815. Ben Linus, who is probably one of the best five characters from Lost, sends Goodwin to his death and basically tells Juliet he did it because he has a crush on her. Completely awesome.

But Juliet's most unforgivable offense was the neutering of Sawyer. OK, she didn't physically remove his testicles, but she certainly sapped all the machismo and scoundrel out of him once they started a relationship. Their relationship was portrayed about as smoothly as Lemmy singing a Queen song. Sawyer was never the same quick-tongued outlaw that made him so watchable (and hated, by some) int he early seasons.

1. Ana Lucia Cortez

Played By: Michelle Rodriguez

Photo: realitytvlounge.com

Can you believe Michelle Rodriguez played a tough-girl character? My selection of her for the worst character in Lost is admittedly unfair, because I can't stand Rodriguez in anything, not just Lost. I avoid movies that otherwise look perfectly watchable just because of her name being attached.

As for her on-island (and pre-crash) offense, Ana Lucia manages to - with the help of Mr. Eko and his aforementioned scripture stick - capture Jin, Michael and Sawyer. From there, she plays the role of a bully, dripping with masculinity. Her voice and delivery is awful, as it's almost like she is purposely trying to make the audience despise her. Whether that is Rodriguez's fault, or the direction, I don't know, but it's truly maddening.

In her life before the crash, Ana Lucia was a LAPD officer who killed a suspect who had shot her and killed her unborn child months prior. During the entire flashback she is acting as badass as she can muster, and it is just a really tired routine.

Her most villainous moment came when she shot and killed Shannon, who was a complete bitch, yet her death at the hands of Ana Lucia somehow made the audience hate Ana Lucia even more. When the most entitled, stuck-up character on a show gets murdered and the fans hate the shooter even worse because of it, you know you're dealing with a shitty character.

Once Michael killed her in the hatch (which almost made the simultaneous slaying of Libby worthwhile collateral damage) audiences rejoiced. Although one by-product of that was the show making Kate assume some of the tough-girl schtick Ana Lucia had previously bolstered. I don't want to think about Ana Lucia anymore because I'm starting to get angry.

The Five Worst Movies I Watched on Netflix This Week

2011-10-22T02:16:00.000-07:00

Netflix is pretty awesome, even with the price increases and the slightly shoddy streaming selection. My friends and I have sort of a weekly movie club in which we get together and watch B-movies. Our favorite genre is horror, but as long as there is unintentional comedy, female nudity and copious amounts of profanity, we're in.

But even for someone who loves bad movies, Netflix offers some terrible shit to watch instantly. Even I can't justify the existence of some of these trash heaps. What follows are the five worst movies I watched on Netflix this week. If I continue to watch movies this bad on Netflix (and I'm sure I will) I will update this blog each week with a new set of 5 ass-awful movies to stay away from.

*Minor spoilers will be present here. I will warn you if a major spoiler is coming.*

5. Stone

Starring: Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Milla Jovovich
Genre: Drama
Year: 2010

Like I would imagine is the case with most people, I saw the big names and gave this movie a shot. What a terrible idea.

The premise of the movie is that Norton is imprisoned in Detroit and DeNiro is assigned his file to review for the parole board. Norton enlists his wife, Jovovich, to seduce DeNiro, thereby influencing his appraisal of Norton and hopefully improving his chances of being released.

The first problem with the movie is that Norton looks like a fucking idiot with corn rows and an awful accent. He sounds like a really lame white dude trying to do an impression of Bubbles from The Wire. More confusing still is the idea that Jovovich's character would actually be attracted to this guy, because even though she seems kinda crazy she is certainly attractive enough to go get a guy who hasn't been in prison for 8 years.

DeNiro is a boring, sad sack of shit who reluctantly falls into the trap set by the couple. I might sound crazy, but what the hell is so special about Robert DeNiro? I can count the great performances I've seen from him on one hand, yet he is revered by assholes like James Lipton and hailed as a "genius." Give me a fucking break. The guy who created fantasy football is a genius. Robert DeNiro is an actor who squints a lot and once stabbed John Kruk.

Overall, the movie was just really boring. There is a shit-ton of overbearing religious stuff and morality debates, and DeNiro's wife is really depressing and acts as if she gets beaten on a regular basis, although the movie doesn't divulge whether that is the case.

Worst line of the movie:

Norton: She's an alien.
DeNiro: Alien? What do you mean, like an illegal?

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

4. Time Barbarians

Starring: Deron McBee (aka Malibu from American Gladiators), Joann Ayers
Genre: Sci-Fi, Action
Year: 1990

This movie could have been great. In fact, the beginning is actually pretty hilarious, with Malibu running around the woods doing barbarian things and delivering horrendous dialogue. But the entire story was supposed to be "what would happen if a couple of barbarians, in their fight for a mysterious talisman that holds magical power, were transported to modern day Los Angeles?" Then it took them an hour before they got to L.A.

Aside from the interminable wait to see how these fish out of water would act in the grimy underworld of the big city, there was a lot of really bad action scenes and not enough humorous dialogue. For a movie that is this low-budget, I need either some (unintentional) comic relief, a whole bunch of '80s chicks running around nude or a legitimately cool plot twist. Time Barbarians scored low in all three areas.

I would have had Malibu and the bad guy get to L.A. within the first 20 minutes, and then separately engage in all sorts of hijinks before confronting one another and having a poorly choreographed sword fight. Imagine Malibu, dressed in a barbarian's loin cloth, hanging around on Venice Beach saying weird shit to tourists who would think he was just another random freak. Or the bad guy could have just gone around grabbing women he wants and throwing them over his shoulder and taking them back to some alley to try to have barbarian sex with them. Actually, that seems a little too rapey now that I type it out. Scratch that idea.

Worst line of the movie:

Bartaga: I have no time for sexual foolishness.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

3. Hot Boyz

Starring: Silkk Tha Shocker, Gary Busey, Jeff Speakman, Snoop Dogg, C. Thomas Howell
Genre: Action, Drama
Year: 2000

When I was a teenager I thought Master P's No Limit Records was some cool shit. I used to buy a bunch of those cds, including a couple by the star of this piece of shit movie, Silkk.

I was hoping this movie would be like Menace II Society meets Bloodsport meets Gary Busey doing a whole shitload of cocaine, but my hopes were dashed just moments into the movie when I had to listen to Silkk try to deliver lines. You know how when Silkk raps he tries to force too many words into each bar? He acts the same way, just nervously mumbling shit really fast.

Jeff Speakman had some pretty decent martial arts flicks back in the day, so I was disappointed that he didn't really kick any ass in this. His role was as Silkk's karate instructor, which is pretty fucking silly in the first place since all of Silkk's friends are carrying pistols. But I guess they had to set up the character's intense discipline somehow.

Busey wasn't in the movie as much as I thought he would be, which is probably a good thing. Gary Busey is like the cowbell; the right amount can really take things to another level, but too much makes a mockery out of the whole show. He did deliver a fantastically bad line, which I'll get to in a minute.

The story plays out with Silkk trying to get revenge on the guy who played Chauncey in Menace and ends up becoming a crime mogul himself. The movie ends in a super Master P way, with the story trying to teach a lesson and make us realize that the gratuitous gangster shit we just watched is bad, mmkay.

Worst line of the movie:

Busey: It'd be a shame to see all that prettiness get raped away.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

2. Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares

Starring: A bunch of average Joes who got together and made a movie
Genre: Horror
Year: 2009

According to IMDB, the estimated budget for this movie was $300. I didn't know that going in, or I may have tempered my expectations a bit. Either way, this movie sucked a huge ass.

This movie is about a serial killer in a bunny suit who goes around slashing people up left and right. Most of the characters are introduced solely to be killed, with no ties to the greater story or other reason for being there. Obviously a movie called Serial Rabbit 3 isn't expected to have rich character development and a coherent plot, but damn, they at least could have tried.

The biggest problem I had with the movie is how much they insisted on breaking the 4th wall (characters acknowledging the audience during scenes). The writers felt the need to have their own characters make fun of the movie and its production, which, while refreshingly self-conscious, is quite pathetic. This is a spoof slasher movie about a goddamn killer rabbit. If the audience comes away pissed that the plot sucked then they are fucking idiots. You don't need to basically apologize for the shittiness of the movie because that only makes it shittier.

Worst line of the movie:

Abusive Redneck Dad: (to son) I'll start followin' Jeff Gordon before I'll put up with that.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

1. South Beach Academy

Starring: Keith Coulouris, Corey Feldman, Elizabeth Kaitan
Genre: Comedy
Year: 1996

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth watching such shitty movies in hopes I'll find a cult classic with my friends. This is one of those times. South Beach Academy is horrible chunk of shit with absolutely no redeeming qualities at all.

This movie came out right after Corey Feldman's Michael Jackson phase. Feldman's career was obviously floundering, so he kept doing late night comedies like this one. What really disappointed me though, was seeing the villain from the greatest movie ever made, Big Trouble in Little China (James Hong, who played David Lo Pan) in this clusterfuck of a film. Worse still, Hong proceeds to act ridiculously and play up every Asian stereotype known to the Western world. Just a tremendously sad (to me) fall from grace for Lo Pan.

As far as the story goes, the main guy, Harry, is out to save his Uncle's business. They do what any intelligent dudes in Miami would do - ~~sell cocaine~~ recruit a female volleyball team to wager against the bad guy's female volleyball team. Predictably, their team is a rag-tag bunch, but they manage to come through in the end.

There is a whole lot of nudity in this one, but it still can't save this thing from being the worst movie I watched all week, maybe in a couple of months (and I watch quite a lot of movies). The scene with Feldman in the strip club is strange, depressing and completely not sexy even though there are massive boobs all over the place. That's how bad '90's Corey Feldman was - he could make big tits disgusting.

Worst line of the movie:

Feldman: (in really bad Butthead voice) Huh-huh, she said buns. Buns are cool.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

The Five Worst Stephen King Novels

2011-10-16T04:09:00.000-07:00

My name is Keith. I spend an inordinate amount of time consuming pop culture. Each post on this site will be a list of five things that I think are the worst in their designated categories. The comments section is open in case you feel like voicing a disagreement, just know that it won't change my mind.

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I'm a devoted Stephen King fanboy. I've read everything he's published, and I even force myself to watch the movie adaptations. I'm even having a tattoo artist sketch ideas for a Dark Tower-themed sleeve (or two).

But I'm also not one to blindly like a book just because it came from the mind of good old Uncle Stevie. Here are the five worst Stephen King novels. Understand that in my opinion none of King's work is bad.

Note: there will be some spoilers in each description. List after the jump.

5. Cell

I was really excited for King's return to horror fiction (he had "retired" after completion of the Dark Tower series, much like rapper Too $hort "retired" after his 1996 album "Gettin' It). The concept sounded cool and relevant to the time (2006 was about the time that smartphones began to rule the world, so the paranoia around new technology seemed fitting), and after reading the opening chapter, I was practically cheering out loud for the gruesome brutality the novel showcased.

The cheers were short-lived, though, as the book devolved into a half-assed amalgam of retreaded story lines. There were shared dreams by the good guys, all of which proved prophetic, and a strained Randall Flagg/Crimson King tie-in (the "Raggedy Man"). The book was dedicated to George Romero (zombie movie mastermind) and Richard Matheson (I Am Legend), and seemed to try a little too hard to stay within the apocalyptic zombie realm.

The ending was one of those cliffhangers that leaves you to fill in the blanks of what happens. Sometimes that strategy works, but in a straight forward, bloody gore-fest like Cell you want some resolution.

4. Tommyknockers

Tommyknockers is what happens when King tries to go sci-fi. I can deal with the idea of an alien spacecraft being buried in the ground and releasing an undetectable gas that slowly gives people some sort of alien radiation poisoning. It's not exactly in King's wheelhouse, but it's at least a good idea to start with.

The problem is that I wanted to do a Johnny Cage crotch punch to almost every character in the book. Gard and Bobbi were both annoying, and King's greatest strength is creating character types. Usually you feel like you know the main ones, and you hate the villains with a murderous fury. In Tommyknockers there is no traditional villain, so instead you have to deal with mutated regulars to root against (which isn't as fun or engaging). Gard was a drunken dickhead at times, too.

It may be a minor offense, but I was really grossed out by Bobbi's menstruating near the buried ship. Shit, Steve, was that necessary? To make matters worse, I now picture Marg Helgenberger's ugly ass doing the bleeding since she played Bobbi in the terrible TV miniseries adaptation.

But hey, it was the '80's and I know King was doing massive amounts of drugs and drinking back then. I'll forgive him even if this book did kind of suck.

3. Rose Madder

Rose Madder was published in 1995 and dealt strongly with the subject of domestic violence. That can be a frightening subject, but this novel was just weird and not very good.

In a Talisman sort of way the idea of transporting through a painting into another realm and having a counterpart on that side was good. Seeing as how (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT) Rose Madder (the painting lady) could easily kill Norman (the abusive, police officer husband) I don't see why she had to enlist Rose to rescue the baby from the minotaur-like bull thing in the labyrinth. It may have been explained, but it's been a while since I've read the book and thinking back I just can't see why Rose Madder didn't do it herself if she was so badass.

Other than a plot that just seemed to weird for a novel (there may have been a good short story in there somewhere, but not a 400-page book), it seemed like King was really rolling with the domestic violence angle in the '90's. Dolores Claiborne, Needful Things, Insomnia - they all had a bit of wife-beating in them. The entire ending concerning the baby Rose and her new husband had was just bad. Magic seeds you received from a painting to help cure your daughter's bouts of rage? Sure, whatever.

King himself has admitted that Rose Madder wasn't his finest work. I agree.

2. Gerald's Game

In this story about a bondage sex game gone wrong, King delivers some pretty disturbing shit early in the book. (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT) Jessie, the main character, is handcuffed to the bed as a means to help her husband regain his sex drive. He gets a little too aggressive, she kicks him in the crotch and stomach, he has a heart attack and dies. The best part of the book, for me, was while Jessie is trying to figure out how to escape the cuffs and a dog comes in and starts eating her husband. Totally horrific and hilarious in a demented way.

The problems start just after that. As Jessie starts to freak out she starts hallucinating. We're stuck with a cast of characters inside her own head debating with her about her past and questioning her life choices. Then we have to be taken down memory lane to a night when Jessie was molested by her father as a child, and somehow, confronting this memory grants her the strength to cut her arm and use blood as a lubricant to slip out of the cuffs.

There is an air of clumsy feminism from King in this one, and while he does sometimes tell stories well from a female perspective, this is not an example of that. In fact, I kind of liked Jessie less the more the story went on. Like Rose Madder, there is a decent story in there. It needed to be either a short story or have the second half completely rewritten.

1. Lisey's Story

King continued his "retirement" by publishing Lisey's Story 7 months after Cell. Unfortunately, this novel wasn't on par with Steve's better tales.

It's easy to criticize King for writing what was ostensibly a stalker-horror story with mystical travel between worlds, but was ostensibly a love story. Many Constant Readers prefer it when the stories are grisly and terrifying. I love the scary stuff, but I also appreciate how much King can shift gears and provoke emotion. Those only peripherally familiar with King think he is a one-trick pony capable only of spooking or grossing out his readers. How many times have you heard someone surprised that Shawshank, the Green Mile or Stand By Me were King stories? Bag of Bones is one of my favorite novels in that regard. Lisey's Story failed in trying to capture the same sentiment.

I thought the story lacked suspense, and while the back story of Lisey's husband's family was interesting (they were pretty much genetically crazy motherfuckers) it wasn't enough. Much more could have been done with the alternate world, as it came off confusing and sort of acid-trippy for me. I also couldn't get past the name of the fantasy world - Boo'ya Moon. That sounds like Stuart Scott auditioning to be a Houston Oilers play-by-play guy in 1990.

This book wasn't terrible. None of these are. But I think most will agree that King is better than these stories would suggest.

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Follow me on Twitter @keithmullett

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