The Secret Life Of Jess_Joan

Good Fantastic Morning!

2016-08-23T08:41:00.002+08:00

23 days after my post-op of total Thyroidectomy. I'm glad that the operation is successful and the scar is healing nicely.

I'm grateful that I have another 21 days medical leaves. I couldn't be happier.

I'm grateful that I'm healthy.

I'm grateful that I'm still alive despite having admitted to the causality unit for my DKA and it resolves after just a day.

I'm grateful that my family is still staying as 1 strong unit of team.

I'm grateful for my boyfriend who's been taking care of me while I'm admitted in the ward. For the financial and moral support.

I'm grateful that I still have my career.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Miscarriage

2016-06-24T12:31:00.001+08:00

6 weeks of pregnancy.

Sore nipples. Tender boobs. Milk discharge. Bloating. Crazy appetite, cravings for lots of foods stuff especially the sour, salty and sweet stuff.Constipation. Hunger pangs. Morning sickness. Feeling hot all the time, need to use air-conditioner and fan at the same time. Mood swings. Heart burn. Weight loss. Frequent urination.

After 3 pregnancy test kit, i saw a line. Very faint line. Missed my period. It used to be regular. I started to panicked. Told my boyfriend about it and am glad he said he will take full responsibility. He just hoped that it wouldn't occur. The pregnancy. We're not married. Both working. Met each other families. My family side seems to have a little problem. They have trust issue.

The moment I found out, I'm scared. Thinking a lot. Futures. Families reactions. I just want things to be normal again. No baby on board but the risk is always there for we're doing it unprotected. Keep thinking of way to self abort. Googled everything. The pills, clinics and natural way of abortion. I want to get kick in my stomach. I don't want it.

The next couples of weeks, told my best friend about it and he said that the pregnancy is God's gift to me. To have a health problem, DM type 1 and uncontrolled hyperthyroid I think it's impossible because my body might not be suitable enough for a pregnancy. He advised to keep the pregnancy. I start to have this imaginations of having a baby of my own. I wonder how he/she will look like. I wonder what type of mother I will be. I start to accept the pregnancy. The thought of abortion is not my choice anymore. I want to keep this baby despite whatever challenges that I will face in the future. This baby is a gift despite my poor health condition. I want it. I've enjoyed all the changes. How my body is preparing to carry a baby.

This Monday, I've experiencing the worst cramp on my stomach. The pain is so bad that I couldn't even stand up. Forced myself to work. Went to do no.1, I noticed blood on my panties. Lots of blood lump.

I know it's over.

Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother or God must want me to be a mother when I'm well prepared. Maybe the baby knows that I didn't want it on the first place. I kept remembering my last feelings before. My last feeling is I want it. It hurts. I'm sad because I've expect too much.

One day before, I remember how I really loved to see the green forest. I never felt like this before. This time I felt like I'm one with the nature. The cold breeze. The sound of the leaves when the wind blows. I guess it must be the gift from my baby. It must be my baby who might said "I'm sorry mummy, before I go let me give you this gift of peace."

I'm sorry baby for not being able to bring you to see the world. I'm sorry that I didn't want you on the first place. I'm sorry for being selfish. Sorry baby.

I'm grateful for having this priceless experience.

What is On My Mind When I'm Losing My Virginity

2016-04-11T18:28:00.001+08:00

I know this must be a very sensitive issues. Religion wise. I just hope that I can help more people to understand what to expect when losing your virginity. Credit to 21 Thoughts Every Teen Has When They Think About Losing Their Virginity . It exactly what I asked myself most of the time over and over again. I'm afraid if I'm going to regret my decision which I did shortly after my first time.

1. Who will I lose my virginity to?

I used to think that I would keep my virginity until I'm married since it is the proper way but as I said earlier, I cannot control my desire. I tried but in the end I just can't control it.

2. Will it hurt?
In my case, it hurt so bad. The pain is excruciating. First, because I'm tense. Secondly because I'm not wet enough. The blood that I saw on Him and the sheet is too much. Both of us were so surprised to saw such a great quantity of blood involved. It do sting when I peed but it gets better. The second time is pretty much easier and it didn't even hurt at all.

3. What's it going to feel like?
For me, it feels tight. I think my partner is way too big. The pressure from him is making me breathless. It's like someone forcing a cucumber in my nostrils. The next session, I didn't feel the tightness anymore. I don't know if I'm using a correct term but this is what I feel during my first time.

4. Will I be nervous?
I'm so nervous on that time that my body become so tense. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what should I do, where should I put my hands, etc.

5. Will He be nervous?
I think he didn't nervous at all as he's been doing this for so many times already with his ex-gf and current gf. I do noticed he started to panicked when he saw the blood tough.

6. What if I'm really bad at it?
I'm not sure but I think I'm pretty woody. I'm just lying, doing nothing but he instruct me what to do and where to touch him so I guess I'm pretty bad at it. As times goes by, I'll get better and finally improving my skills. I'm still in the process of learning lots of stuff now.

7.I wonder where will it happen?
Mine is at his room where he shared it with his brother and sister in law. During the first time, we're by ourselves so we're free to do it without being cautious of making too much sounds. I still remembered during that time, there are only pillow and bed without the sheets. The room is hot and I remembered I sweat a lot that he helped me to wipe it.

8. What if I do it before I'm ready?
I still remembered when he asked me when I'm ready, my answer is I'm not ready and never will be ready. He asked me he need to wait until when? When I agreed to do it, I must say that I'm not ready yet. Mentally. Physically. I just go with the flow.

9. Will it be planned or will it be spontaneous?
In my case, it was spontaneous because I went to his room with the thought that we will only do some kissing and rubbing. It somehow lead to another big thing.

10. Should I wait for a special occasion?
This is what I planned last time. To give my virginity to my husband only. I think virginity is so precious that I should wait but things happen. I made it. I cannot turn back the time. If I were given a chance to save my virginity, I would say yes. Why? I think because I'm giving it to someone who not even my boyfriend.

11. Should I bring a condom?
Yes, you probably should but in my case when he refused to even wear the condom, I cannot force him. I could but I just couldn't. How silly. I know. To be unprotected. It making me restless. My mind is always full with this question "am I pregnant?". Know what, if the man love you he should be able to give you sense of security by being protected. I should be firm.

12.Will he have condom with him?
No. He refused.

13. Is it going to be like this in the movies?
Not really. It wasn't as perfect as in the movies. I didn't know losing virginity could resulted in a messy bloody thingy.

14. Is it going to be really awkward and weird?
I must say yes. There are lots of noise. Haha.

15. What if I get pregnant?
I asks this a lot and I'm grateful that until now I haven't despite being unprotected. But the chance is still high and I don't even dare to think about what would I do.

16. Do I tell him I'm a Virgin?
Yes because I trusted him. He said all of his ex-gf and gf is not a virgin so why not trying someone who's virgin he said. I'm regretting it now. I could wait and give it to someone who really love me rather that this guy who only doing it for his pleasures.

17. What if I feel really insecure?
I'm so insecure on that time because I'm at my fattest state. I'm afraid he will saw my cellulite, tonnes of fats that I've been hiding under the large piece of clothes I worn everyday. My confidence level is so down but I'm just doing it because I know it's the virginity that he wants anyway so he wouldn't care about my body's condition.

18. I'm scared our relationship will change.
I didn't change anything. We're still friends. You know friends with benefit?How come I could give him my virginity knowing that we're just friends? This is the question that I asked myself until now. I must be so silly.

19. I hope he won't look at me any differently.
I think he must think I'm cheap. That's for sure.

20. I'm sure it will be fine. If I like him and he likes me, what could go wrong?
In my case it was 1 sided love. I love him but I know he didn't have the same feelings towards me. He is in the stable relationship someone else. I know, I'm blinded by love that I'm willing to do this as long as he is satisfied. It is painful but I believe that I'll meet someone who's going to appreciate me and someone who's going to love me just the way I am.

So whatever decisions you gonna make, think carefully. If you're so silly as me, blinded by love, think back.

I'm Fat and I know It.

2016-04-11T13:14:00.001+08:00

Went to work like usual when someone told me that I'm getting fatter. It's not that I cannot accept that I'm fat, I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to do everything. It makes my feel so down. I know I shouldn't be. After all, it's my body anyway. I cannot asks people to shut their mouth. It's their mouth anyway. What I can do is to just keep trying to lose weight and maintain a healthy life style.

This is my weight progress.

On November 2015, my weight is 39KG this is due to the DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis).

After getting treated for almost 4 months, now, I weighted around 60KG.

My BMI is 24.0. It still in the normal range but one step closer to being overweight.

My plan now is to loss my weight first and then to toned up my body. I also attending the MMA and Muay Thai class for fitness purposes.

I'll be back with my weight loss journey sometime later.

See ya.

"NO PAIN, NO GAIN".

One Night Stand

2016-03-24T13:35:00.003+08:00

Desire. It's one thing that is really hard to control. I still remember, few years back when I promised myself that I would never do things that will torn my dignity but I still did it in the end. Things that will violate my religions belief. Guilt and regret. Lots of possibility and consequences.

I could stop him but I couldn't. I should control myself but I couldn't. Things are out of control. I must be insane. There is no protection at all. It's a messy business that resulted in blood.

I Can Wait Forever-Air Supply (lyrics)

2016-01-20T15:59:00.001+08:00

Been playing this song over and over again. Am I waiting for my boyfriend? No, I don't have one and I planned to not to pressure myself upon this marriage issues. I do want to love and be loved but I think it was too risky to hurt myself at the end of the day so I don't want to think about love at this moment. My focus now is more to myself, my diabetes and hyperthyroid, my parents, my siblings and also my pets which consist of lots of fishes and adopted kitty as well as the turtles.

Enjoy the songs and I hope it will haunt you as well.

Take care.

Admitted to the hospital for 2 months

2016-01-17T13:37:00.001+08:00

Who cares? If I'm admitted for how many months, no one cares but who cares? I still want to share my experience.

First I'm admitted because of dKa( Diabetesketoneacidosis), due to uncontrolled BG. Then, they( the doctors) plan to get me a total thyroidectormy but after been admitted for 2 months, my TSH is still high it was cancelled again. I wondered is it because of my medication dosage or what but it seems like it really hard to control.

Will get back to you.

Father's Heart

2015-11-20T13:30:00.001+08:00

My colleague, who's in 40s said his daughter didn't come back home for the past 2 days. I asked if he happen to scold his daughter and he said he didn't even get a chance to do so since he is very tired after work.

He is really mad at her daughter and in my mind he must've hate his daughter. But that perception changed when he refused to eat because he is too worried about his daughter.

I think I just broke my toes.

2015-10-30T13:02:00.000+08:00

Went for a walk while I'm in the hospital for an appointment. I'm pretty dizzy and i guess it was my blood pressure which is pretty high 178/90.

Walked and walked, then I felt a pain on my toes. I realized it was so painful and looked back I saw this concrete beam. Argh, I just smashed my foot into it.

The pain is so unbearable. When I walked, I could feel the pain. When I sat, it would be tingling. Went to the doctor and she said if after a week it still painful, the toes must be cracked. I mean the toe bone.

My ex-boyfriend name Welly

2015-09-12T17:39:00.001+08:00

I met this man named Welly at my workplace. He is using the old tactic to woo me. Surprisingly, I got attached at this man. We met and talk in the phone often. What I liked about him is the fact that he is the eldest child from 8 siblings. That makes me feel like he would be a responsible person. He also 3 year older than me which is what I want.

We went out on our first date. He picked me up far away from my house. Maybe he is afraid to meet my parents. Everything is going well until I realize his habit. When we talked, his eyes would attached to my boob. Then, he often looked at his phone. This is the thing that annoyed me after the first case.

The day after our first date, we still contact each each other. Then, a week after we just stopped talking. I think it's over even though we didn't decide on anything yet.

I Used To Be So Passive

2015-08-07T12:04:00.000+08:00

Work changed me. My job required me to blend in with the male stuff. Since I'm pretty shy among male, I don't have a male friends since I was in high school and middle school. I don't know how am I going to start the conversation. In the plant, I need to talk a lot. With the population of 9 female and almost 200 male workers. I have to adjust myself. To talk, to give them instruction. I admit it was really tough but I force myself. Back then, I will run from having to talk to the male workers.

Now, I'm able to sit in the same car with them. Now I able to chat with them. How weird. I used to run or avoiding them. I feel great.

Boss oh Boss

2015-07-13T09:01:00.001+08:00

Boss said I need to finish up all tasks. I was like;

Really?

2015-07-13T08:58:00.003+08:00

When friends said they are pregnant and enjoying it. I was like

My First Date

2015-06-15T09:49:00.001+08:00

Got some men asking for my number. Been thinking a lot but then I decided to date this on man from my workplace. I choose him because of his quality as a men.

Then, yesterday we went on a date after been friends for 3 days.

We agreed to met on the afternoon. He came on 1:30PM. I said to myself, It's fine.

We ate, I paid.

It was so awkward. Especially when his eyes on my boobs all the time. It's like my eyes is on my boobs. I thought he is the one after meeting so many bastards in the past judging how he talked.

The effort I put in to make the relationship a success.

I don't know. Am I giving up on love? I think so. I think I better off with myself. I better date myself more. Love myself more.

2015-06-15T08:58:00.001+08:00

Like what?

My kitty baby name Micky

2015-06-11T00:55:00.000+08:00

I love you Micky.thank you for your presence. I never expect it could be this hard to say goodbye to you. I didn't cry at all. Maybe because I really want you to go rather than seeing you suffered

It's all started with

2015-06-09T01:16:00.002+08:00

The eye contact. I've been looking out for him when I passed his work zone. When he first come to work on the 10th May.He smiled. My heart burst but I pretend to be cool. The next few days we met again. We talked to each other. Just for 5/7minutes. My heart is going to burst.

It stoApped.

Just like that.

On June 8 at 10pm,he asked for my number. I want to jumped off to hug him but I still maintain to be cool. He wrote it on his palm. I wait until the noon he still haven't contact me. In my mind,he might be lost my number while busy working.

4.00pm he asked me whether I'm busy or not. His first message to me.
We started to whatsapp a lot. Asking about each others life.

12am he asked my status. I said I'm single. He right awaysaid that he want to give us a chance. He said if it is okay to be friends first and then if I want him,are could go into the serious path.

To be continued..

*this is my first post with Love tag*

Earthquake in Kota Kinabalu

2015-06-05T08:43:00.002+08:00

Today, surprisingly I woke up at 6am despite sleeping really late at 3am. Went to the office to do some pending stuff at 7am,didn't even eat breakfast. I greet my cat. Once I reach the office, one of my colleague is already there.

We heard something on the 3rd floor, then to the 2nd floor and next to the ground floor. It was a weird feeling. The whole wall is cracking, the ground is shaking. We went to the entrance and saw the workers at the canteen is gathering outside the building.

The first thing I have in mind is that I didn't know it was earthquake. I don't have any idea. My head feels dizzy. I was standing up first and then sitting down while thinking I should go under my desk.

Now as the aunties is still talking about it, I'm still having a goose bumps. My spine is cold. My heart beating irregularly.

Because I kinda like our daily routine

2015-04-30T11:36:00.001+08:00

Last week I get my new boss. He's 30 years old.

He pretty puntual. Before 8 am he will always be at the plant.

Today, he went to bintulu. I'm quite sad because I like our routine already.

His spirit. His order.

I'm getting a new boss

2015-04-25T14:08:00.000+08:00

Surprised to receive a news that there will be someone who will fill up the SHO post. I don't know what to expect. Should I be happy because I finally getting a boss or should I be sad because I will have no freedom already. It's a mixed feelings.

I really don't know what to expect.

Just going to wait and see how we will progress.

When I saw dog getting hit by a car

2015-04-20T08:13:00.000+08:00

On my way to work at 7.30am. Saw 2 dogs lay down side by side. When I looked back the brown dog is bleeding from it's head. I guess the white doggie must be thinking that her friend is sleeping and waiting. So sad. There is 4 more dog who got knocked off by a car.

I'm so sad. Why people couldn't be so considerate.

Perempuan yang berdengkur

2015-04-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

So basically I am categorized as one of the perempuan yang berdengkur. Pelik dan lucu. At first I never believe that I actually snoring when I sleep but my sister have record it so she could use it as a prove. I'm surprise. Why? Why saya boleh berdengkur? Even my colleague said she really thought it was the air-conditioner. Haha

Bekal Saya

2015-04-17T08:22:00.000+08:00

I'm working in the professional industry. I have my own income whom I receive at the end of the month. One thing that I always wait everyday is my bekal. My mum will prepare a meal bertaraf chef. My mum will cook Ayam Masak Kicap, Vege's, Sambal, Chrysanthemum Tea,etc. Early in the morning. How come.Mum able to prepare the meal so early?

Happiness

2015-04-16T16:57:00.000+08:00

Happiness is when I’m so hungry but when I check my drawer there is no food left. What’s left is only a cream cracker plastic because I’m too lazy to throw it away and I think it’s been 2 weeks since I ate it. I want to throw it away but then when I grab the plastic there is a piece left. Yes!

Happiness is when I’m able to help strangers. I tried my best to help them even though I’m so busy with my work.

Happiness is when a guy from my workplace asked for my number. I gave to him. He message me right away. What a gentlemen he is. I found it rare to meet a real gentleman nowadays. The guy who is honest like this caught my attention. I still remember last month I gave a hint to a guy that I liked him. He didn’t do anything. I’m so pissed off. If he doesn’t want me, just say it to my face. Don’t give me hope.

Happiness is when my colleague willing to walked so that they could visit me at my cubic.

Kind Hearted People

2015-04-15T13:27:00.000+08:00

Been pretty busy. I never thought working as a Safety and health personnel could be this tough.
Lately my task is to manage the fire extinguisher where by I have to do inspection on it. Tagging it. For the 3 plants.

Went to the store to change the empty fire extinguisher and change to the new one.

The workers already wrapped the 29 fire extinguisher on the wood plank.

So imagine. I have to walk bringing maximum 2 fire extinguisher at one time. That could be 20KG.

Then the staff look at me and ask if they could help me. Thank God I'm able to finish it up.

Never thought those people still exist.