The Foes & Woes of Singality

The reason why...

2011-09-20T11:17:00.008+10:00

Yes, I know... I haven't posted in months and months. But, my dear friends, there is a reason!

You see, I just didn't feel right posting on my own blog about singality, because my life of singledom is over...

That's right, the massive love-cynic has allowed a man into her life once again.

If you remember, my last post was a video of me just before I went on a date, well, said date has swept me off my feet. So, my dear followers, I am now (and have been for a while, admittedly) in a relationship with a lovely person.

P.S: We DON'T use pet names, just for those who were wondering. No 'babe' in our relationship. Thank. God.

Quick Decision:

I will see if you, my favourite blog readers, still want to keep updated with my un-single life. If not, I shall wait until I am single to post again (because knowing me and relationships, it's bound to be soon!)

I'm Alive...

2011-04-07T16:08:00.000+10:00

Take a deep breath, and release. I know you were worried that I'd died and that's why I hadn't posted in so long. But, fear not minions! I am alive and well.

I was going to write a blog today, but I realised I was running late, so I thought I'd quickly record a video explaining things. Enjoy.

The not so lovely day of Valentines...

2011-02-14T18:40:00.000+10:00

Ahh, the wonderful day of love is yet again upon us. Roses, chocolates and the reminder that I am not going to be given any of these things today. Albeit, I did get a few text messages from my other single friends... Us singles have to stick together on such apparently lonely days.

So, today I was stuck at work all day, as usual... But, waking up it felt like any other day. When I walked into work that's when things went downhill. I think a total of 15 people thought they felt the need to point out the fact that I'm single... Most of the conversations went like this:

Conversation One:
Me: Oh, Happy Valentines Day!
Workmate: You too! Me and my partner... Blah, blah blah FUCKING blah. *Insert ramblings revolving around corny, stupid 'romantic' gestures*
Me: Aww, sounds adorable.
Workmate: Oh yeah, you're single aren't you. You must feel so lonely on days like today. I don't know how you put on a smile and get through. If I were you I'd kill myself right now.

Conversation Two:
Workmate: Aww, these flowers just arrived for me!
Me: That's so sweet!
Workmate: Yeah, it is. Did you get flowers? *Insert awkward pause* Oh yeah, you're single aren't you. You must feel so lonely on days like today. I don't know how you put on a smile and get through. If I were you I'd kill myself right now.

Conversation Three:
Me: I'm heading out for a coffee, do you want one?
Workmate: Oh, no thanks. I'm going home early to prepare dinner for my girlfriend BLAH BLAH BLAH
Me: Aw, you're a sweet guy!
Workmate: Yeah, I bet your boyfriend is sweet too. *Insert awkward silence* Oh yeah, you're single aren't you. You must feel so lonely on days like today. I don't know how you put on a smile and get through. If I were you I'd kill myself right now.

(Note, this is not exactly how the conversations went... But they had pretty much the same feel.)

And so it went on. So, I just have a few little things to say to all of those happy couples that are looking down on us single people right now.

I am probably happier out of a relationship than I have ever been whilst in one.
I am also probably having better sex than you will. Not to mention I can have sex whenever I want, with whoever I want.
I am free to do what I want without a significant other looking over my shoulder.
I am NOT depressed to be alone on Valentines Day.
I think Valentines Day is a commercialised joke.
Oh, and did I mention that I'm having better sex than you?

So, thanks society for making a day that lets couples think that they're better than us singletons. I am now going out to get drunk and celebrate my singledom.

Quick Decision:
Will post this as a tribute to how I feel about Valentines Day... Will also exclude couples from my galavanting tonight. Just to pay them back :)

If I were a guy, I'd be hard right now...

2011-02-11T11:14:00.002+10:00

Now, I'm a girl who very much enjoys a good roll in the hay...

When I want to have sex, I generally get what I want... Well, last night this all changed. It blew my mind! First things first, a guy I know was sick the last few days so I baked some cupcakes (I'm pretty much the nicest person ever) and took them over to his house. I got there, gave him the cupcakes and we just chilled out... That's when things started.

He started playing with my hair, softly stroking my legs and hands and general sweet stuff. Now, I've wanted to do bad, bad things with this guy for a few weeks now and I'm pretty sure you could cut through the sexual tension with a knife. It's pretty bad... So, when he starts stroking higher and higher up my leg, what do I think is going to happen? Well, you guessed it.

But, guess what DIDN'T happen? Well, you guessed it... Again.

Ridiculous, right? I mean, you can't stroke a girls leg and then NOT DO ANYTHING. Sure, we made out a little etc. etc. But, c'mon. We're both adults here, lets move past the teenage making-out stage... Then, that's when his MUM turned up... Two words... Mood killer.

We went through the pleasantries, I put on my "Nice to meet you, I'm a lovely girl" act... When inside, all I could think was:

"If I was a guy, I would be so hard right now... Can you please leave so I can screw the brains out of your lovely baby boy?"

So, I ended up leaving after dinner with him and his lovely (if not vagina blocking) mother and went home to bed... Only to wake up after plenty of dreams about what it would have been like if his mum hadn't turned up.

Pretty sure, right now I have the female equivalent of blue balls.

Quick Decision:
Will find a way to have sex with above-mentioned man THIS weekend. I will not rest until my goal is complete.

Marriage, Curves and Us...

2011-02-04T15:31:00.003+10:00

While eating dinner last night my brother said something that really shocked me... He said:

"I'm never going to get married... Because once you get married your partner gets fat and you can't do anything about it."

Coming from a 21-year-old male, I thought... Wow, is this really how everyone thinks? If it is... I'm screwed! It got me thinking, not about marriage but about body issues. Being a healthy 70-something kg's I'm not exactly what you would class as stick thin.

Here's a few facts about me:

I jiggle when I run
I have boobs
I have thighs that sometimes rub together
I love to eat
I have curves

Does that class me as unmarriageable? I think not. It classes me as beautiful, unique and sexy.

I sometimes resent the fact that I am a part of society that worships the size 0 models and the fashions that cause eating disorders. Why couldn't I have been born back in the day where the fatter you were the sexier you were... Because, God knows, I'd be one sexy lady. Being curvy impacts my life everyday, even if I don't realise it.

Dating in this world is harder than ever, but put a few kilos on and dating is hell. I'm a healthy young woman, but I know there are some other women out there that don't see the positives of being curvacious.

So, to all of those women out there who have lucious curves:
You don't need a man to tell you you're beautiful.

You are stunning. Just the way you are.

Pet-names + Dating = Death...

2011-01-29T08:42:00.001+10:00

Now, I know that when people get to the pet-name stage in their friendship or relationship its usually a good sign. Call me weird and bitter, but I despise most common pet names...

Let me provide examples:

BABE, BABES, BABY
When I get called 'babe' 'babes' 'baby' it makes my skin crawl. It reminds me of some seedy sexual predator that wants to get in my pants. "Come on babe, lets just do it..." Ergh. No thank-you. Also, my dad calls my baby... I don't want any guy that I'm prospectively going to be having sexual relations with to remind me of my dad AT ALL. My ex had a similar name as my dad, that was weird enough!

HONEY
Seriously? You're going to call me honey?! You're going to call me something that is gooey, sweet and goes well on bread? C'mon, you're not going to get laid like that.

POOKIE
If we're being completely honest, I have never been called this. But, one of my friends calls her boyfriend this... And, if I was that guy I would have run for the hills the first time the syllable "Poo" came out of her mouth.

But, the list goes on. Just now, I found a site that apparently gives you the perfect pet-name. So, in goes my name to this little generator and out comes:

Lovey Red Hot-Sweet Cheeks
Call me that if you have a death wish. 'Nuff said.

Now, I'm not all bitter and twisted, there are some exceptions to the otherwise definite hatred of pet-names rule. If a name has come from a personal experience or is personal to you then it is fine. Don't judge me, but I used to get called "Jellyfish" and I was fine with it, it was actually kinda cute. *Cue painful reminiscing of ex-boyfriend*

So, what brings on the discussion of pet-names. From the guy that I went on a date with last Friday comes the pet-name 'babes'. Please refer to the very first example for how I feel about that.

I'm grateful that he has used a pet-name, because it means that he must like me... But, in my world:
Pet-names + Dating = Death.

Quick Decision:
Will pretend that I never heard him call me 'babes' that way I will still be able to look him in the eye. If he calls me it again I will call him 'pookie' just to even the score (everyone's gotta hate that right?).

The day-after protocol...?

2011-01-22T08:31:00.001+10:00

Last night I went on a date. Yes, that's right... I went on a date. It wasn't just any date either, it was a GOOD date.

Now, going on a date is all well and good. But, what I'm concerned about is what comes AFTER the date. What is the protocol for who calls who first?

I guess I should at least explain a bit more about my date, so you can get a feel for my dilemma...

Well, we went to the movies and saw a nice little rom-com, he offered to pay for my ticket and for anything from the candy bar. Chivalrous, right? And, so we go straight up into the movie, no time for mucking around. Anyways, after the movie we went for a walk around and we got along GREAT. I'm not just saying the conversation kept flowing, I'm saying that we were joking, laughing AND actually talking. We went and got some ice-cream (because I have a definite soft-spot for ice-cream!) and we shared our cones. Which was sweet. Anyways, long story short, the date was definitely on my list of top-5 dates.

Which, then brings me to my dilemma... It is now Saturday morning (the morning after) and I am wondering who talks to who first? Do I text him and tell him I had a great night or do I wait for him to text to see if he's still interested? What am I meant to do?!

I don't want to text him straight away because then I might seem desperate...? But, what if he never texts/calls me?! I really want a second date with this guy, and I don't want to scare him off. ADVICE!?

Quick Decision:
Will wait to see if he has called or anything by tonight. If not, I will send him a nonchalant text along the lines of: "Thanks for last night. I had fun :)".

Online Dating and Truckers...

2011-01-19T13:33:00.003+10:00

Ahh, being an avid user of the world wide interwebs it was only a matter of time before I fell into the trap that is 'online dating'.

Feeling melancholy, remembering all the good times with my ex, I decided that I needed something to keep my mind off him. (I had my phone in my hand, just about to hit the call button... That would have resulted in a very interesting/depressing story to tell.) Laying in bed playing around with my iPod Touch, I realised that there was an application on there called "Are You Interested?". Apparently I made a profile aeons ago, and had not remembered. I thought, for shits and giggles, I'd see if I had any people interested in me. Much to my shock, people were interested.

With the happiness that people were interested still lingering in my mind a guy by the name of "LebeR" decided to chat with me. Now, instead of sticking with the general salutation of hello, hey, hi or even bonjour, he opened the conversation with:

"Lets fuck, baby"

I'm not a prude, and I am quite partial to a good round of intercourse (lets be honest, who isn't...) but, this one line just struck a nerve with me. I got angry... Screenshots will demonstrate:

Note: To read the conversation, it starts at the bottom of each screenshot and goes up.

Screenshot 1: The initiation of conversation.

Screenshot 2: Me starting to get annoyed.

Screenshot 3: Him finally realising I'm annoyed.

It was only after I had finally got him to stop talking that I looked at his profile... He was a 40-something year old trucker who looked very, very scary. If any of you have seen the movie RoadKill, you will know that truckers are definitely something to be scared of...

Quick Decision:
Will keep my profile in the hope of actually finding a nice guy. Will have to put up with the creep show that is: Online Dating.

Centipedes, Dead Dads and UFO's - Terrible Conversations on my Terrible Date...

2010-12-20T13:27:00.004+10:00

This, my dear internet friends, is the story of my first HORRIBLE date. Now, originally I was going to say it was my first date, but this is untrue. I have been on a number of quite pleasant dates with pleasant guys, that are generally quite pleasantly boring. But, this one was different. Oh my.

Lets tell this like a fairytale shall we? Maybe Disney will want to buy it off me and make it into a multi-million dollar best-seller!

It was a sunny and warm day and I received a message from my friend asking if I wanted to go and see a movie with him.
"Would you like to go see that new movie with me?" He asked, ever so nicely.
"Sure, what time?" I replied.
"Around 9?" He said quite hesitantly. His hesitance immediately raised some alarm bells...
"Sure," I said "9 is good..."
"My roommate wants to come..." He blurted out.
Oh no. The line that every girl does not want to hear. The dreaded roommate is making an appearance at what was originally going to be two friends catching up. Images of a creepy, old, drooling, brain-dead guy immediately pop into my head. This will be interesting...

So, come 8.30 I am all prettied up ready to go to the movies when my phone vibrates in my handbag. I slowly take it out, fearing the worst... "I'm going to be late... My roommate will be there early though." Oh no. More alarm bells!

Still, I head to the movies... Now, I have no idea what this roommate looks like so I had no idea who I was looking for. I showed up at the movie theatre and walked inside, there I saw this guy obviously a few years older than me standing alone. I immediately think that this is the roommate, so I walk up to him and introduce myself. Obviously confused, he shakes my hand and tells me to enjoy my movie and turns and walks away. What just happened? Well, you see... That wasn't the roommate. That was just some random guy that now knows who I am exactly what I look like when I am so embarrassed all I can manage to squeak out when he leaves is:
"Nice to meet you."

I then notice a guy outside who is waiting for someone. I decide upon another plan of attack... I went and stood beside him for a while, making it look like I was waiting for someone. This plan worked much better because as soon as I stood beside him he introduced himself as the roommate and said that he didn't know when my friend was turning up. It was nice enough... Until he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Without even letting me get a sentence out first...

He wasn't ugly, or attractive, he was just a guy. Nothing special, nothing too bad. It all seemed to be okay. We were talking, I was my charming self. But, I knew that this was not going to last. We went to a local pub called The Plough Inn... And it is there where the terrible conversations/things started happening. Numerical order always seems to keep things organised:

Terrible Date Conversation #1:
Him: So, what kind of movies do you like?
Me: Oh, I like all kinds. I love scary movies though. I once saw this movie that was made about a human centipede. You wouldn't believe it, they got three people and sewed one persons mouth to the other persons... Well... For lack of a better word, ass.
(Right now, in my head all I could think was "SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP! Why are you saying this?! STOP!")
Him: Oh, okay. That sounds pretty messed up.
Me: Oh, it was.

I admit, this first example is all my fault. I've never known how to stop talking even when its about human centipedes.

Terrible Date Conversation #2:
Me: Where do you work?
Him: Oh, I work at the hospital moving boxes and stuff. It's a funny story actually, the other day I was talking to some of my friends at work and I was telling one of them how I was an advocate for violence.
Me: An advocate for violence?
Him: Yeah, I'm an advocate for violence. If you want to get something done a mob is the best way to do it. If you scare someone with violence they will do what you want them to.
Just a note: I am a pacifist. I have always believed that conflict can be solved without violence in every situation.
Me: Oh...
Him: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME VIOLENCE IS FOR HALF AN HOUR.
Me: I'm a pacifist.

That shut him up.

Terrible Date Conversation #3:
Him: My dad is dead. I've never gotten over it. I even have his name tattooed on me so I will never forget about him.

Tip for guys: Do NOT talk about dead people on the first date. I had known this guy about two hours and he was telling me intimate details about his dead father... How am I meant to react?! I think I ended up saying something like "Oh, that's really sad." I probably sounded insincere, but I really did not know what to say. I would expect this kind of conversation on the 22nd date... If you're lucky.

And finally, to top it all off:

Terrible Date Conversation #4:
Him: I saw a UFO and I have a video of it on my phone.

So, what does he do? Pulls out his phone makes me look at this video for 20 minutes pointing out a dot that I can't even see on the screen. All the while I was pretending that it was amazing while screaming inside my head for him to stop showing me it. Over and over again:
"Did you see it?! Here, I'll put it on again! Oh, you missed it again? I'll slow it down! How cool is it now that you've seen it? Watch it one more time now you know where to look."

Well, I have one thing to say to you:
Show me your stupid UFO video one more time and I'll show you where to f*#&ing look.

So, my dear internet friends, that concludes the first story that was: My First TERRIBLE Date. I will be writing more about this date (it's worthy of more than one blog!) so stay reading!

There's a Little Player in All of us...

2010-12-10T16:10:00.004+10:00

Today, talking to my mum about my situation, she looked at me and said:

“You don’t need a boyfriend anyway. You need a guy to use, abuse, confuse and lose.”

Thanks for the advice mum. You’re encouraging me to be the female equivalent of the guy that every girl hates…

The player.

Now, having JUST come out of a long-term relationship I have no idea what the moral, ethical and most of all social rules to a ‘casual relationship’ entail… Can I sleep with a guy once and never call again? Should I talk to them or keep it on a strictly physical level? Can I have more than one? Should I even be thinking about this because I’m so freshly single?! So many questions, and such little time to deal with them all!

Quick decision:

Mum’s advice, while entertaining (and not to mention RHYMING), may have held some truth. I may just turn into a player. Watch out boys, I’m coming for you.

The Loud, Pathetic & Drunk Stages of a Break-Up...

2010-12-08T11:44:00.001+10:00

We all go through stages of emotion when we get out of a serious relationship. These were mine:

1. I cried… Cried and cried some more… I’m not just talking a few idle tears; I’m talking full blown crazy heart-wrenching crying. On the first night, I made the mistake of listening to some Taylor Swift song (it really seemed like the most depressing song, in hindsight, I could have picked better…) and crying… Loudly. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to my neighbours.

2. Just a disclaimer: This is the stage that I hate the most… I became the clingy ex-girlfriend that called up my ex and proclaimed that I couldn’t live without him. I believe it went something like this:

Me: I need you. Please take me back! Please!

Him: I can’t… I have to go.

Me: Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I love you.

Him: Bye…

Me: BUT I LOVE YOU!

Phone hangs up

Pathetic... Oh, so pathetic.

3. After this stage came the hatred. Now, I’m good at hate. I hate a lot of things and/or people. You could name something out of the blue and I could name at least one thing that I hate about it… Maybe that’s why I’m single… Oh, let’s not even consider that! Anyways, this was when my ex became the sole object of my hate. I hated him, I hated all the pictures that I had of him, I hated the sound of his voice. Anything to do with him made my blood boil. This is the stage that my friends started to encourage me to take revenge… Bad idea.

4. The fourth stage was my personal favourite. It’s the stage where you go out to the local clubbing scene and try to get as drunk as humanly possible. This is when my friends started egging me on to hook up with nearly every guy that made eyes at me. Now, even though I enjoyed this stage a lot, I ended up going home alone and going on (in a very drunken state) about how much I hated my ex to the taxi driver on the way home…

Now, I should mention that I have always been pretty emotional, so it only took me about a day and a half to go through all of these stages. Most normal people would take much longer… I hear that the crying stage sometimes lasts DAYS within people… But, I’m just too busy to sit around crying.

I think waking up with a hangover as my only companion after the fourth stage was a sign of how my single life is destined to pan out… HELP!

I'm Single...

2010-12-07T15:25:00.003+10:00

Hand me the tissues, ice cream and chocolate. Put ‘All by Myself’ on repeat and leave me to cry until my face is wet from both tears and the even lovelier snot.

I’m single… Something that I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

Follow my story - the ups and downs of my single life and laugh and cry along with me.

This is:

The Foes and Woes of Singality.