The Folly of my Youth and the Mid Life Crisis

Guest Posting at The Mudroom Blog

2018-03-06T12:19:00.002-06:00

I am writing over at mudroomblog.com today. I know you are a little surprised since I don't write anymore. But I have been doing a little personal writing lately with serious thoughts about blogging again and so I submitted something about parenting and adoption. While unique to our life with an open adoption at the end of the day I think the story is relevant to all parents as we love our children through the teen years and help them understand who they are and how they fit into our families and the world in general.

So head on over to check it out and learn how all my daughters problems started the day she became a Hardacker.

If I still blogged...

2017-10-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

If I was still blogging regularly today would be the 9 year anniversary of this blog. I don't keep that info hanging around the front of my brain, my facebook memory had a post from the 2 year anniversary of this blog. And today is 7 years after that post so I did a little math and here we are on the 9th anniversary of this blog.

I haven't really blogged for a few years. I guess I lost my passion for blogging or sharing any part of my life as I was navigating through the changes of our life.

I do miss blogging. I miss writing the stories of my life. It is fun when people read and enjoy your thoughts but I think what I miss most about blogging was just sitting down to chronicle my life. I often process through my writing so as I am crafting my stories I am also learning lessons from the experiences and thinking about how those experiences will shape my future.

9 years ago...what was I doing? I had a 3 year old and a 14 year old. I lived in two very different worlds raising them. I was a full time homemaker and John was self employed in the remodeling industry. We lived in a beautiful house on a large lot in a community we loved. I had some margin in my life to start thinking about who I was and where God was leading me. Life wasn't perfect but were happy with our life.

Today what am I doing? I have a12 year old who is navigating the jr high experience while homeschooling. And a 23 year old who is married, has finished his stint in the army, is living with his wife in Florida and preparing to return to school. John is working full time in the medical field while applying for grad school. I am working almost full time as a realtor preparing to fully support us in a year. We are living in a beautiful town home and discovering a new community a mile from our church. I have very little margin in my life to think about where God is leading me. We are happy and content as we journey forward.

That is the resume version. The more interesting question with the infinitely longer answer is "who am I today?" Because who I was 9 years ago when I started this little blog and who I am today are two very different people. And yet not. In many ways I am still the same. I just have a broader understanding of the world, I have had a greater array of experiences, both good and bad. But they have not shaken my core. I am still unyielding committed to the Lord. I still like to tell stories of my life. I still make a lot of mistakes. My children are older but I still think they are wonderful, brilliant and hilarious. I still adore my husband.

I still sit with God every morning reading my bible and jotting a journal entry. I am not sure my thoughts have been very profound over the past few years. I feel like God used to speak to me more clearly. But I was thinking yesterday about Mother Theresa. I am going to do a vague summary here so don't quote me on this but I have heard/read in a couple places that upon reading her journals after her death it was discovered she often expressed the same feelings I have had, that God was not speaking to her, she felt emotionally distant from God. She had felt a clear call on her life to enter ministry in Calcutta and then nothing. And I totally get how frustrating it is to feel like God isn't talking to you like he once was. But as I think of her life what I observe is someone who heard God speak and went and did what he called her to. And lacking any further direction she did the work God called her to the rest of her life. And that work has resulted in amazing, life changing, God honoring experiences for her and the people she served. This has led me to think about the work God has called me to. He prepared me and called me to raise an adopted child navigating the challenges that come with that experience, return to work so my husband can pursue the calling God placed on his heart. He called me to let go of my son, release him to adulthood and trust God to direct him. This is what I am doing with my life right now. It isn't glamorous but neither was the work Mother Theresa spent her life doing. It is the work God has called me to and I hope I am pursuing them with the same passion Mother Theresa pursued her call.

If I was still blogging that is what I would tell you today.

Falling Forward to Something New

2014-09-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends! It is September! School has started, fall has come. The weather the past few days has been glorious, warm but not too warm, sunny and beautiful. This morning I was up early enough to see the sun rise but not so early that it seemed crazy. I love fall, the weather, the sunrises, the back to school routine. To be clear I love summer too but I think fall is my favorite. In a few more weeks the leaves will begin to turn beautiful colors, I will get out my sweatshirts and sweaters, we will have evening bonfires at my brother's house (hint), and get excited that maybe this year the Vikings will pull together a great season. maybe.

And a month or so ago I announced that this fall I would be moving all my brilliant thoughts from this blog to my other blog "From Homemaker to Working Mom". To start off the fresh new start I have already written a couple things there this month and have a couple more ideas to continue the momentum!

After a year of complaining to all of you about my lack of inspiration, the struggle that this past year has been, I literally (yes literally) feel like something just popped together in me this past month and I am back to normal. I feel free and fresh and my mind is off racing in a million directions once again. I was just feeling so much like, well...ME this morning. So today I praised God, thanked Him and worshiped Him for this amazing refreshing of my soul with arms raised high and joy in my spirit (alone in my house with my family sleeping so that nobody could see me of course.) I feel great!

So although I will miss this blog it just feels like the perfect time to say good bye to it and hello to the new one. I am not going to lie to you. I am finding word press to be a little trickier than I would like it to be and although I thought I had figured out the email thing apparently I have not. So I am still working on that. And it doesn't automatically publish on my facebook page so I will have to manually do that for now. But I am getting there and now that I have my enthusiasm for...everything! back I am sure I will get it worked out. And I really hope you all follow me over there. I promise to still write in my same conversational and slightly self depreciating way as I share my observations about life. I don't plan to share quite as much personal family information. This blog was about parenting and my kids and family. And as it has been read mainly by family and friends it has felt like a safe place to slightly over share. :)

With the new blog I still want to share my heart and life but my main goal is to encourage women as they return to work or remain working. As I returned to work 3 years ago (!) I struggled to find much in the way of support and understanding in the transition. Especially in the christian community. I had gotten so much support as a homemaker but where are my web sites, books and conferences for the working christian mom? I found a couple things but it is definitely a market that needs a voice. And I hope that I can very casually but lovingly share my story and with it encourage and support other christian working moms who are trying to maintain faith and family as high priorities while still working and building a career. OK, I am not going to lie, that last sentence makes it sound sort of boring. It won't be, it will be fun! Because life is fun and transitioning to a new thing is fun (new thing!). And some days if you don't laugh at the circumstances of your life you have to cry. And I choose to laugh most of the time. It is hard and challenging too but together as a community we can support, encourage and pray for each other and as a result make the whole thing worthwhile.

So follow me over to the new blog, it's OK, I promise.

OK a few start of the school year pictures for you.

First day of 4th Grade!

Back for his final year of undergrad work at the University of Minnesota

It was our 24th anniversary on Izzy's first day of school. We all had a great day.

Celebrating 24 year, who we were and who we are

2014-08-25T22:09:00.000-05:00

It's our 24th anniversary today. We are celebrating with our usual trip to the State Fair and dinner out.

It is amazing to think it has been that long. Seems like just yesterday we got married. But then you start looking back at what has happened in 24 years and suddenly it seems exactly like 24 years.

When you look back so much has happened and we have become different people. And it would be easy to look at John or for him to look at me and say, that is not the person I married. Because I am not. And John is not. But every day we determine to walk this path with the person we married, love them for who they have become and dream and plan with the person we are with today rather than the person we married years ago and the dreams we dreamed before life really began.

Certainly 24 years ago I would not have imagined that John would be in school at this time, that our son would be married or that we would have a 9 year old. I wouldn't have imagined that I would be in real estate. I might have imagined that we would be living in a little condo but not because we sold our house. Because we never got off the ground to be more (we were 19 when we got married after all, not everyone had my vision for future financial success at the time.) I never would have imagined that we would have taken our family on a mission trip to Kenya, John would be a firefighter, I would spend 17 years as a homemaker (when we got married I was going to be the one to work and support the family believe it or not).

When we got married I had a couple specific hopes related to our future life. I hoped we wouldn't have to raise our (multiple, close together) children in an apartment building because we couldn't afford a house and I hoped i wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life in this frozen tundra enduring the frigid winters. And I hoped that I would finish my college degree before I was 30. Hmmm, seemed like we were on the right track with the first one but the rest...

I'm glad I didn't imagine this life. Finding and discovering it together has been part of the fun. Learning to know John more and help him pursue his dreams and passions. Getting to know ourselves, at 19 I really didn't know who I was and hadn't really grown into my own skin yet. Choosing each other over and over again as we grew and changed. The good and bad of all that we have endured, celebrated, journeyed over and through.

Tomorrow we start our 25th year of marriage. We are excited to near that milestone and plan to celebrate all year long. 25 years on the 25th of every month. Feel free to send us your celebration ideas because one of the things we have learned in 24 years is that our ideas are great but our follow through/creativity is slightly off...But we embrace that about ourselves too. :)

And for your viewing pleasure, a little visual of how it all started:

The little boy in the background of this pic just had twin girls this summer. Which is a sign you have been married a long time!

This cake design was one of John's main contributions to the wedding planning.

I think it is safe to say we are the quintessential 90's wedding look here.

Happy and in love after 24 years.

Caffeinated Late Night Musings

2014-07-29T03:43:00.001-05:00

Random trivia about me. I am really sensitive to caffeine. I do fine with decaf and if it is early enough in the day I can do green tea. But any caffeine after say 3pm pretty much guarantees my brain will still be in overdrive at 1am. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking how weird because you can drink a regular cup of coffee at 9pm and sleep like a baby. I know how that works. In my 20's that is how it worked for me too. So if I may just have a health food moment here...you aren't immune to the effects of caffeine, your body is just so toxic with it that it doesn't react properly to it anymore. Once you detox from it, suddenly it works very well. Sometimes my body will be literally buzzing from the drug. I also sleep better than you and have less stomach issues. Just saying.

So anyway, we went to caribou tonight and I ordered iced berry white mocha, decaf and soy but he accidentally made it with 2% instead of soy and so quickly re-made it and I think he missed the decaf the second time around because it is 2am and I am positively energetic right now. Can you imagine if I detoxed from sugar and then drank a caffeinated, sugary coffee drink? I think I would be buzzing so much I might literally explode.

I should probably just get dressed and go into the office now so I can come home at 4 or 5am when the buzz usually wears off and sleep in. Or go for a nice evening stroll in the cool summer air. I live in a safe neighborhood. Or...write a blog post. Since my mind is working so sharply and clearly right now.

This has been a good summer. Not a relaxing, vacation kind but a slowing down kind. I told John tonight it felt like the long, slow run kind of summer. No races, no speed training or endurance drills. Just a relaxing long run. We haven't stopped running but it is a stress free kind of run this summer. We are beginning to gear up for the fall training sessions.

John goes back to school this fall and after a couple different meetings at the U with his regular advisor who proposed a plan that sort of would work but we didn't like, someone in his degree department who confirmed that he did not have to take a class at the U that he had already taken at Normandale (I know it sounds obvious but apparently it isn't), a visit to the admission office to confirm an addition to his transcript and then a bunch of research by me to put it all together and create a real plan and then a few phone calls and emails to get permission to take the classes he wanted to take, we are on track for him to graduate at the end of next summer. (Piece of cake.) Would have liked a spring graduation but it would mean him taking an unhealthy number of credits each semester which would have to include 2 lab classes at once and a senior project in his major. That just seemed silly. So he will add a couple summer classes and be finishing up his degree a year from now.

As we start this 4th year of full time school I think we finally are starting to figure things out. Every semester we look at his schedule and try to plan the times he will study and times he will work. Tonight I said we should plan the times he will prioritize the family. Because he will always find time to prioritize homework but we often slip through the cracks. And I don't say that hurt or like I don't understand. We are just learning that we need to take a different approach. One that doesn't assume that every free moment will be spent with us and he will plan his study but the reality that every free moment will be spent studying and he needs to plan his time with us. Live and learn. Save yourself a few fights. (This is one of the moments of clarity I had tonight while my brain was working in overdrive.)

In a way it is a shame that just as we are really starting to perfect this crazy schedule he is going to finish up. (This is one of those crazy things you say when your brain is working in overdrive.) Of course then we have grad school...but somehow I suspect all the rules will change once we get there.

Topic Change. (When your brain is in overdrive you go flying from one thought to the next.) Let's go deep.

I am currently reading in Matthew. I have had a lack luster quiet time most of this past year and was about to give up on it for a while but whenever I don't know where to go I read a gospel. It just feels foundational, gets you back on solid ground. Everything else in the bible is growth agent but it all has to start in the gospels. Foundational. I don't know that Matthew is my favorite one but it is the first one and the fact that I am reading it because it comes first should tell you a little bit about the amount of effort I have been interesting in putting into my quiet times lately.

I have had a few thoughts as I have read but when I try to write them down it turns out I just have thoughts but no points. "Huh, interesting." But nothing else.

Today I think I might be on to something so we will try it out tonight with my extra stimulated brain.

Storms. I read 2 stories about storms. You know them. The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the foolish one builds his house upon the sand. The rains came down and the floods went up and the sand house came tumbling down but the house on the rock stood firm. If you were in sunday school in the 70's you are singing in your head now. sorry. Story two is of the storm that came up in the boat while Jesus slept. The disciples were afraid and they woke him up because they just didn't understand how he could sleep at a time he should be terrified with them. And Jesus rolled his eyes, calmed the storm, wondered when they would figure out what was really going on and went back to sleep. You have the part about him rolling his eyes in your bible too, right?

OK so, going with the idea that last year we went through a storm and applying the ideas to my life then and today.

So first of all, I always think of the rock that the house is built on as Jesus, but really he is talking about something else.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matt 7:24-27

Now Chuck Swindoll likes to say, "when you see a therefore ask yourself what it is there for."

So this build your house on a rock passage is the end of this long bunch of teachings that Jesus gives, I think it is the sermon on the mount. So a brief overview would be: watch for false prophets, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, don't judge others, don't worry, store up treasures in heaven not here on earth, give to the needy, pray, love your enemys, be nice to each other, be salt and light, and all those blessed are..

So if we hear all he says there and put it into practice that is our rock upon which we build a house and when a storm comes it does not fall with a great crash or even a small shudder. It stands.

What I got to thinking about was that although my house still stands, it took on some damage. My roof has hail damage, there are cracks in the siding, I discovered a few rocks made of sandstone rather than granite after the outer coating washed off. When the storm comes, our house may still be standing but it might need a little maintenance. You don't get to come out of your cozy house after a storm and keep moving forward without stopping to assess the damage and make repairs. If you don't then the next storm will make even more damage and eventually you might find that a little storm causes your house to crash to the ground.

Lets be honest, maintenance work is not fun. Spending money to replace a roof after a storm, not fun. Walking around the yard picking up all those broken branches, repainting the siding, filling cracks. Tedious and time consuming. Blah.

And if I am honest, that is sort of how I have been feeling about the whole thing this summer. Standing outside my broken house and unsure I really have it in me to fix it. I have done a few little things. Walked around picking up a few branches. Filing a few holes that seemed to need immediate attention. But mostly just standing there staring at it. I am unwilling to walk away. This is where I want to be, I am just...

Standing in the boat trying to figure out what happened. So there was this big storm and i was totally freaked out and I woke up Jesus. In the disciples story he calms the storm. Before hand he says to them, "you of little faith, why are you so afraid?" But I think to myself, if they were afraid before he calmed the storm, imagine how they were feeling after! As if the storm wasn't scary enough now you realize you are in a boat with a guy even more powerful that a very scary storm! What do you do with that information? (Even my hyped up mind can't quite grasp that, although at 3am it is starting to slow down so my brilliance from here on might start to wane.)

Anyway, while I am finding this story interesting I have to admit to myself that I am secretly thinking, "good story bro but Jesus didn't calm my storm." Sometimes I think we need to pull our secret thoughts to the front so we can set them straight. I mean this is not my first run through the bible, I know what Jesus is really trying to say here. It isn't that he will always calm our storms but that he is more powerful than anything we have to endure and we can lean on him.

After I had that thought I responded with another thought (my thoughts talk to each other), I did not see Jesus present in my storm. And I sort of wanted to cross my arms and stick out my tongue as I had that thought. Possibly stomp my foot. But as I looked back at each major lightning strike in my storm I saw Jesus' presence. Some more clearly than others, one particularly bad strike I really had to struggle to find him but I did eventually see him when I took my eyes off the bad and allowed myself to see the whole picture. Blessings everywhere, even in the storm.

Anyway, I guess I still don't know if I really have a point to all that. I am still healing. I think I want to forget that. I want to come out of my house and just pick up right where I left off when the storm started. I don't want to be broken and need to heal. And I think I felt a little betrayed by Jesus. I think as Christians who know the truth we don't want to admit we are hurt by God or feel betrayed by Jesus because we know those aren't truths. But that doesn't mean we don't feel that way and if we can't admit we feel that way we can't move past it. So I admit, this storm may not have crashed my house but it did do more damage than I would like to admit. However, while I struggle to find enthusiasm for the repairs most days, I am making them, I can't imagine doing anything else.

We are coming up on a year since we packed up everything we owned, sold our house and moved into my parents basement in an effort to re-structure and re-build our finances so we can complete this educational journey. As if that wasn't enough to throw me off track, so much insanity followed. But I think as we begin hitting some of these year marks it is freeing me. We are feeling settled for the most part in our new home. We bought this little condo thinking we would only be here a few years but we love it so much we might stay forever and buy a cabin or retirement home when John goes back to work instead. And we are making some serious headway on emptying out our storage locker. Had hoped to be out of it by the end of June but now thinking end of August will be more realistic. Last week I found something in storage that we feared we had lost in the move. Some pictures we have had done on our milestone anniversaries over the years. They are irreplaceable. We had come to peace with their loss but are overjoyed at their return. Hey that sort of makes them sound like the prodigal son! I could do a post just around that. But I won't because it is almost 3:30am and I don't think I have a new thought left in me. Anyway, truth be told we have stuff in 2 other places as well. We have a lot of stuff. I keep asking myself how this happened. The storage we are trying to get out of is the one with all the household stuff. Non-essentials that I either need to let go or accept the fact that I am going to have to find a place for it in my home or pay to keep it. You really discover what is important to you when you downsize. I recommend the experience.

OK lots of mind wandering happening here. Less razer focus. I think I might be able to fall asleep. I was just looking at my post screen and discovered 4 partially written posts that I managed to summarize in this one post. But I will not say that the caffeine helped. It was more the time I got tonight with nothing else to do. But it is over now. Good night.

The Bloom of the Present Moment

2014-07-02T09:27:00.001-05:00

A couple years ago when I first started working I was reading, "Life in the Woods" By Thoreau. I was going through some old notebooks yesterday and noticed a couple quotes from the book I had jotted down.

"There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether head or hands. I love a broad margin to my life."

I wish I could have pulled this quote out a few weeks ago when the ducks were walking through our courtyard. It was this very idea. I couldn't afford to do anything else but experience the bloom of that moment, watch those ducks.

But in that moment, as I was about to jump up and capture it for all to see I stopped. Because the down side of becoming a reporter for the world is that sometimes we completely miss experiencing the moment for ourselves. So I continued sitting still and watching these two companions come across the bridge, walk across the grass, pause on a path near a second bridge to enjoy the view. They weren't in a hurry, seemed to have nowhere to be but here in this moment, in this place, together. And for a few minutes I got to join them, share in their contented morning stroll and enjoy this place God put me today. Eventually the waddled off out of my sight to carry on with their day and I had to get up and begin my day. But for a moment, I got to stop the crazy of life with Mr. and Mrs. Mallard and just be present.

Hey! I just quoted myself in my own blog. Is that allowed? How fun for me. I am easily entertained.

Anyway...Today, don't sacrifice the bloom of the moment to work, or picture taking or rushing down the highway and miss experiencing the life God has placed before you, the people, the places, the joys and the sorrows.

Spring and Summer Fun So far...

2014-06-29T15:21:00.002-05:00

So sometime, luckily after the wedding but in the midst of getting our life organized in this new home, I lost the battery charger for my good camera. These days my phone camera is pretty much as good as the camera although the lens leaves something to be desired. Plus, I have not mastered putting my phone pictures anywhere but on my phone and have no organization for said pictures. Then, being the rocket scientist that I am, I realized that I could plug my phone into my computer the same way I plug my camera in and download them into the same program I keep camera pictures and voila have my pictures accessible and organized once again. Prior to this great revelation I had been emailing one or two of them to myself at a time so that I could then download them onto my computer from the email and then upload them to my blog. I am sure there is an even easier way to do it, picsa for instance, but lets not get too carried away.

So with my newfound tech in place I present to you the last couple months in pictures:

Mother's Day. I did basically have to torture and bribe her to pose for this picture. I felt so special. We went out to sushi with my family. My brother planned it as this spring was drastically different from last fall. I went from having too much free time and needing a job to being so busy I could barely keep up. This was one of only a few days off for about 2 months and really I probably sent and email, text or answered a work related call on this day too. That seems to be how it went this spring. As my sales begin to close this month my bank account is thanking me for the effort.

Isabelle and I have begun going to the same hair stylist. It is fun to share this task with her. And I think our stylist Babbette is appreciative too. I normally just trim my bangs at home between cuts even though she always tells me to come in for a free trim. Isabelle, however, forgets nothing and at the appropriate time started harassing me to get in for the trim. I will be looking better going forward with her input.

Since I did not jump up to photograph the ducks walking through the courtyard a few weeks ago, this mother goose and her children decided to come see me! Walked right up to the window hissed through the screen door and, of course, pooped before walking away. Very entertaining.

Our outdoor pool opened the end of May and although a little chilly for my involvement, Isabelle was excited to try it out.

We had one of those, "what should we do today?" mornings where we suddenly decided to drive up to Duluth for the day. Our long winter and missing spring meant there was still ice on Lake Superior but that didn't stop Isabelle from wading in the lake. She said it felt like needles pricking her legs. We didn't let her stay in too long. Only in Minnesota does it make sense to be wearing a tank top while looking at a lake covered in ice. And, yes, I worked on this day from Duluth too. Negotiated the sale of a house. It may be busy but I love my job. The great integration of work and family that I need.

We got a plant from a friend. And it keeps doing this. Then I give it water and it perks up and then it does this again. It is like a needy child. You feed it and then it wants more. I don't know how many more times I can revive the thing. Geez.

End of school year. Isabelle did a report on Jane Goodall.

So we have 2 storage locations for all our stuff. Stuff that we might need again someday but can't fit in our home now, stuff that we don't need ever again, stuff that belongs to someone who does not live with us or in this state anymore, stuff that we will never need again but are emotionally attached to. We did bring a bunch of stuff to a garage sale at my parents house a few weeks ago and have cleared out quite a bit of room in the storage space we have near our home. However, the second space is about an hour from our home and it is packed tight. It mainly contains items from our former garage. We do need to sell, give away or throw away many things in there but it becomes a little overwhelming when you view it. The pictures do not even begin to translate how full it is or how masterfully my husband can pack a storage space.

Picture one is after John has taken out a riding lawn mower, grill, car ramps, ladder and a few other misc things. Imagine all that in the space he is standing in.

He hung the wicker settee and bikes and anything else hangable from the ceiling.

All packed back in less whatever it was we went to get.

We went out to Minnehaha falls to see it raging. The river was overflowing and this was before all the flooding rains we have had. My cousin's band, "The May North" was playing at the bandstand. He plays the upright Bass which a few weeks before this Isabelle randomly announced she wanted to play in band. Not exactly sure how that will work but it is nice to know there is someone who can give her a few pointers in the family.

For unknown reasons Isabelle decided to spread a chocolate candy bar around her lips like lipstick. I think this is that merging of the little girl and the pre-teen into one. Still plays with food and makes a mess but now does it in a fashionable way. I found out recently that Isabelle also set up her own instagram account so she could post these kind of pictures for her friends. I think she knows more about internet safety than I do so turns out I had nothing to worry about. I set up my own account too so I could monitor her but have yet to really understand how to properly use it. However, I got into facebook for Jake so I will master Insta for Izzy. Eventually. Probably.

Finally school is out and Izzy is headed to a week of camp at Trout Lake Camp. We, of course, stop for our coffee/sugar buzz on the way out of town.

Moments after we get on the road Izzy bites down on something and finally gets a tooth that had been loose for months to a point it needed to come out. The new tooth was fully in behind it so it has become hard to wiggle very far. She ended up becoming a bit of a moody teen as she wiggled and we pulled on the tooth the entire drive up there without success. We got there a couple hours early and stopped for lunch at Moonlight Bay. The weather was great, view of the lake and she sat like this.

But we are about to drop of moody for a week so we look like this!

More moody.

And then after we had gotten Moody checked in and her bed set up we walked over to sit on a bench by the lake and look at the tooth again. FINALLY IT CAME OUT. And it was like we flipped a switch and moody turned into enthusiastic and charming Isabelle who was very ready to be rid of her parents and bond with all her new friends.

She scored a spot in the brand new cabins they built this year.

So John and I walked around the camp alone while he reveled in the memories of his youth.

And then we were two people with no children for an entire week! And we looked like this! We didn't do too much while she was gone, we both had to work, but it was fun to be together and just worry about ourselves for a week.

We picked up our happy, enthusiastic and hoarse voiced girl from camp the following week. She had enough energy to wander through Nisswa, pose with Babe the Blue Ox and eat lunch with us before we drove back home to reality.

And to think we are only a month into summer break. So many more adventures await.

This week John starts his new job. This was one of the main goals of the summer, maybe the only goal of the summer. Get John and job and settle into the routine of it before he resumes classes in the fall. I love it when things come together. This seems to be a year where things are coming together for us job wise. It seems like we have been in weird limbo land with work for several years. Even before John started school. So it feels good to finally see stability coming to this area of our lives.

On the same day we picked Izzy up from camp another member of our family was having a special event in his life. In an effort to teach me to be the parent of someone in military intelligence he sends me lots of "parent pro tip" texts whenever I say too much publically. So I am trying something new today and will tell you about him Mad Lib Style.

My_______________(family member) celebrated his_____________(number)th Birthday. He started studying __________________________(language) last week so he can become_____________________________(occupation). He is living in ______________________(city and state). I have been tracking the weather for the last ____________(number) months and I can tell you that it is always _____________(number) and _________________(weather condition) All. Year. Long. apparently. Which sounds fun in January but is getting boring at this point.

Summer is my secondary time of year to do long term planning and as my work settles into a routine I am starting to get ideas and plans in my head. One thing I have already decided, in the fall I am going to stop using this blog. Don't worry. I hope to continue to have a lot to say going forward but I started this blog as a homemaker with 2 kids at home and now i am a working woman with 1 kid at home. I started a blog a couple years ago called "From Homemaker to Working Mom" at www.fromhometowork.com and am finding that most of what I have to say applies over there. Also, I am starting to get a little bit of a following and want to concentrate my efforts more there. So go ahead and check that blog out, save the link or sign up for emails (although so far that feature doesn't seem to be working, if you know anything about wordpress blogs and want to help me fix that problem please contact me). Also, I have a facebook page for that blog which I pretty much only post blog posts on but hope to actually put some interesting content on this fall as well. That part is still in the planning but the using that blog exclusively is pretty much a done decision. I will be reminding you throughout the summer so you can start planning to move with me too.

Parenting the Heart

2014-06-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about my girl this weekend.

This sweet girl who we brought home from the hospital over 9 years ago.

9 years old is an interesting age. I didn't quite get the "tween" thing with Jake he seemed to just go from kid to teenager over night. Or at least his "tween" years only lasted a year or so. Isabelle on the other hand is very much defining the stage for me. She is so very much between. And I think we are both, her and I, torn between wanting to keep her a little girl and wanting to rush into the teen years. My girl who loves to shop, is concerned with getting her hair just right, loves pop music, and high heels yet still sleeps with a blanket, loves her dolls, disney movies and snuggling with mom in the mornings. She isn't a teenager but she isn't totally a little girl anymore. It is a fascinating age.

I am also noticing another difference between her and Jake. Communication. While Jake seemed to carry on a running dialogue of every thought that came into his head at this age, Isabelle tends to be more introspective. She doesn't always tell us what she is thinking but every once in a while she says something that tells us she is busy processing information. And I have to laugh because when Jake was little I thought he was so much like me because his running commentary was a lot like what I was thinking. However, like Isabelle, I know I kept it all to myself when I was little. Figured it out myself. I didn't appreciate how frustrating that must have been for my parents. My parents were great about leaving me to my thoughts. Will I be able to do the same? Can I communicate just the right amount of information so that as she processes she comes to the correct conclusion without nagging her? I am going to be honest right now...I am not sure I can. My parents had other children who did share their every thought to distract them from my silence. Maybe this is why God sent me back to work at this stage, so I wouldn't hover over my girl as she processes and figures out life.

We figure so much out during the tween and teen years of our life. And while my little girl never wants to talk about serious topics for more than 2 seconds, the half of her that is turning into a teenager is starting to listen. She still doesn't ask questions but that fact that she is listening makes me think I am on the right track.

I have so many fears for my children, there are so many unknowns in life. And our society is teaching a way of thinking and viewing our world that is so different than what God teaches, so far from Truth. It is easy to want to toss them in a protective bubble and not let any of those crazy outside influences touch them. And I am not here to criticize parents who attempt to do so. However, eventually they have to live in the world and I am going to prepare my daughter to navigate it rather than run from it. And that means she is exposed to things I would sort of rather she not know at this age. And in this day and age of computers and social media, where she understands how they work better than we do, I just can't keep up with what she is exposed to. It was just starting when Jake was a teenager, they came one at a time and we could add one at a time to our life and keep up, now it feels more like a flood gate has opened and I don't know where to look or what to hold back first. Rather than spending parenting stopping the bad influences from coming her way, I am realizing I need to spend my parenting time teaching her discernment, to know what the bad things are and why she should turn from them when she sees them, to identify problems and deal with them.

Her heart. This was my entire focus parenting round 1. Jake's heart. If his heart is sensitive to God and His will, then his choices will reflect that and I don't have to protect him from the world. Isabelle may approach things different and I will have to speak to her heart differently but, ultimately it is still her heart I am parenting. Directing her to God the Father for answers and love, so much more than I can ever give her.

Simple Prayers, Simple Theology

2014-06-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

The other day I heard, I think on the radio, someone say something like, "you can tell a persons theology by their prayers." This quote has bugged me every since I heard it. I am sure the person was well meaning and in context it probably made a lot of sense but it felt a little belittling to me. You see, I don't do fancy prayers. I barely pray out loud in groups. I love to pray with groups, I think it is powerful, but I am not one of those pray out loud people. I feel too self conscious I suppose or confused, or frankly, I worry that what I am going to say will be slightly off topic or theologically confused. So when I do stick my neck out to pray in a group, which I have had to learn to do as I have been in leadership positions at our church, I keep it pretty short and simple. I stick closely to the point.

When I am home alone my prayers are not short and simple. Just like I write, I ramble when I am with God. And since I often write out prayers you can imagine how they go.

I didn't go to bible school, I haven't taken a bunch of theology courses. I don't even really like to read theology books. One of my spiritual gifts is faith. I believe Jesus Christ is the son of God. I believe he died and was raised from the dead. I believe he was tempted but never sinned. I believe he did this all for me. I believe that the bible is true. I believe that all the details big and small that fall between are just that, details. And I am just not that detail oriented. I really don't care if you baptize your baby or wait until they can profess faith. I don't know how deciding if I am pre or post trib will change any aspect of how I live my life. And I don't appreciate the pressure of worrying that the way I pray in a group will define the depth and truth of my faith.

My prayer style started when I was in 3rd or 4th grade and our Sunday School teacher was talking to us about prayer. She said to talk to God like he was a friend. It totally changed my relationship with God. Prior to that my prayers were like reading off a check list. "Dear God, I pray for..." But she taught me I could just talk to God, tell him about my day, ask him questions, be casual and friendly. "Hey God, What up?" And although I have come to understand my place in this relationship better and develop more of a respect for him and his authority in my life as I have gotten older, those casual conversations with a friend are still what work best for me. When I am talking to friends I don't speak in Old English, I don't generally quote scripture or any other written work, I don't follow any sort of formal agenda. I just share what is on my mind. Relationships are two way streets so I am aware of what he wants and needs from me and aim to give it to him because that is part of talking to a friend and being in a relationship.

So maybe my prayers do reflect my theology. A very simple and straight forward belief. Just know that my theology does not come from a lack of depth, or thought on the topic but from a desire to focus more on knowing God and a total disinterest in details. I figure if I start too far down the wrong path, my good friend Jesus will not be afraid to hip check me back over to the right road. Never has been before.

What I am thinking about these days

2014-06-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

A few friends have asked about why I haven't written much lately. I don't really have a good answer to that but I think I can ramble on about the topic for a few minutes and hopefully when I do start writing worthwhile thoughts again someone will still be waiting to read them.

I am busy. Now, I think I have written a post on how much I hate the word "busy". And while my general reasoning behind my dislike of the word remains, I have a new appreciation for the phrase "I'm busy" now that I am working 2 jobs and John is in school and Isabelle is growing up. Some days my life doesn't feel like my own anymore, I just go from responsibility to responsibility to crash. And then back at it the next day.

I like it. Although it is a very full schedule right now and I do occasionally crash, I am happy. When I was in high school I always imagined I would have a career, be busy doing things, meeting people, making deals happen. I love my jobs. Even when they are hard or frustrating. Even when they take time away from my home, family and friends. And I have to be honest, I have never had a job like that before. It is exciting.

I am disorganized. Now that I am settling into my schedule and that schedule is constantly changing and not consistent every week or even every day, I am starting to see where things and people could fall through the cracks if I am not paying attention. I used to be organized. Used to have lists of things to do, check them off. Keep a schedule. I have read so many books on organization you would think I must be an expert. And if you ask me questions about organization and time management you still might think I am. But my busy schedule sort of snuck up on me this past year and I forgot to create systems and schedules to stay on top of it. So this is what I am thinking about these days.

My house is a mess and I am OK with it. My house still might be cleaner than some, I require a level of order in my life. But I don't worry about the undone laundry, the dirty kitchen or the need for vacuuming anymore. I don't panic when the house is a mess and I know I will be working too much to clean for a few days. Partly because I have help, John has really stepped up, and partly because my priorities are changing.

I am hanging with my family more. This summer John is not taking classes, although he is going to get a job. And our plan is to just be together during our mutual free time. We have decided to get in shape together this summer, winter was a little hard on our bodies. Family bike rides and hikes are on the agenda for the summer. Fun and free.

I am learning and growing. I hope. I think. I just feel like God is teaching me things in this season. Nothing concrete, more like I am in the middle of some growth that I can't quite define yet. Last year was hard, painful. This year has been a year of healing, adjusting and experiencing joy that can only be found when we put our hope, our trust, our life in the Lord's hands.

I love condo living. Selling our house last year and making this HUGE downsize was very scary last summer. There was so much unknown about this choice. And giving up my house, MY HOUSE. The one we had spent 11 years loving, remodeling, raising children in, celebrating in. And then we moved to a condo, a tiny condo where having one couple over maxes out our space. But we love it. I refer to it as our cocoon. It is the safe place to be together as a family after we all have been out in the world. We love the pool, the exercise room. John and I have gone up and played 9 ball on the pool table a few times, something we did a lot when we were dating but haven't played since I can't even remember when. We are not good but we have fun being together and laughing at all our lucky shots. I am daily amazed at how much less stress we are experiencing this year living here.

We are still working out the financial aspect of our lives, the main reason for the move. John has to get a job this summer. If he doesn't he won't be able to continue school in the fall. But he has an interview on Thursday that sounds very promising. And 2 weeks after he finished his 3rd year of school I am nowhere near ready to worry that he won't find exactly what we need. God did not get us this far to drop us in the middle of the project.

I don't think about things deeply much these days. I have brief flashes of thoughts but never time to stop and develop them. Maybe i will put into the organizational plan i need to develop a plan to carry around a notebook and jot all my brief flashes so i can return to them at some future moment when i have time to go deep. My shift key is going bad on this keyboard and I am tired of going back to fix all the capital letters that don't happen. so there you have it, thoughts on my life lately. I will admit i have written several things that I am not sharing these days. part of what i am learning and what God is teaching me. I know it seems like i share everything but i guess there are some things that just need to be processed alone. I still love to write and process while writing so hopefully as things begin to settle down in our life and get back to normal you will start to hear from me more.

A Box of Memories

2014-05-19T08:50:00.001-05:00

This weekend we started the big purge. Half our life is in a 10x10 storage unit that was packed to the brim with everything that lived in the 1200 square feet we did not replace with this move. Pretty much everything in the lower level of our house. We have another 5x10 somewhere else with all the stuff that was in the garage. Neither one is pretty and both are a little overwhelming.

To be honest, I have only thought of maybe 2 or 3 things that I have missed from storage over the past 7 months. And I am comfortable with how we have arranged our space here. I don't want to clutter it up with a bunch of stuff I don't need but can't get rid of. So I am ready for that hard purge...mostly.

What I learned Saturday as I opened boxes before loading them in the truck for my parent's garage sale is that while I am ready to purge, it is still painful. Letting go of things, even things we know we don't want or need is still hard. And after about a dozen boxes I realized I needed to stop, walk away. I had not prepared emotionally for that deep a cut, I was not prepared to go through and say good bye to all my things, special treasures from my grandma's house, pictures, gifts from friends and family. I know I don't use them, even in the house they were rarely used, I know I can't justify finding space in my condo for a silver soup tureen that I have used maybe 6 times since our wedding nearly 24 years ago. It has to go.

But there are other things...

We do love living in this little condo and we just might end up staying here forever, but I don't know for sure what the future holds. And getting rid of some special memories because at this moment in my life I don't have room for them...that is hard. And wrong. How do you define what is worth keeping and what it is time to let go of?

Jake's old toys. His Lego's and Brio train set. I kept them after he had outgrown them, do I get rid of them now just because of this possibly temporary downsize? John and I agreed to keep them. For our grandchildren, for the memories. I have gotten rid of a lot of toys over the years but those bins are staying. And I think I would get an affirmation even among the most streamlined homemakers.

However, some things have no value except to create memories, and I wonder if I really need them. I pulled out of the storage unit a box that has followed us around from our first little apartment with the bug problem to our second little apartment that we loved and on to our first and second houses before heading into our storage unit. Never opened, never reviewed. On the top of the box it says, "wedding cards" and "b-day cards" and indeed that is what is actually inside.

In some ways I am embarrassed to admit I still have cards from my wedding and 20th birthday. Especially considering that cards I now receive barely make it past my trash after they come in. I love getting them but at some point many years ago I decided there was no reason to keep them. I receive, enjoy and toss. Special occasions may dictate I display them for a season, Christmas, birthday, etc but once the time has past, they are gone. Actually, I do save my Christmas cards in storage all year long and then re-read them when we get out the decorations before tossing them. It has become a fun tradition for me.

So, naturally, I had to re-read all the cards in the wedding box before I could toss them.

Reading the cards was like a trip back in time. We had a pretty big wedding, my parents invited everyone they knew and they all showered us with love and blessings. It is fun to see the names on the cards. Many of the people are gone now, my grandparents and great aunts and uncles. And a few people who died too soon. Then there are people who through the passage of time and the changes of life we don't know anymore. It is funny that most of the people we have spent our adult life with did not know us when we got married. But a handful of friends were there and it has been a treasure to journey through life with them.

On the back of every card is written what they gave us for our wedding. I love the ones from older family members who actually wrote what they gave me inside the card themselves! I used the cards to write thank you notes. I even found a thank you note for someone in there! A forgotten thank you note for a family member who is now gone. I must have been forgiven because nobody ever said anything. And on one of those cards was that silver soup tureen that I have loved having but rarely used. Given to us by someone I don't remember.

This is why I keep things like this, for the memory, for the trip back in time. It is precious.

As a bonus, I found all the letters I wrote to John when we were apart for 3 months after graduating from high school. I think I might have the letters he wrote me in another box but these were all from me. I didn't read them all, most of them follow this basic theme: "I love you baby. I miss you. I really love you. I love you. Love always, Mel" An occasionally piece of news or acknowledgement of something he wrote thrown in there, and a countdown of the days until I will see him again. Mainly the typical ramblings of a love-sick teenager. But they also remind me of my son, his long distance relationship and the letters he was surely sending as well. My favorite was a letter written to John when he was at camp before I left for college. I had a fight with my parents and told him he could probably guess what it was about but if not I would tell him later and I was so upset I was pretty sure I would never speak to my parents again. Ah yes, the memories are clear now. The thrill to get away from the crazy people who had loved and raised me all those years. Oh the injustice of their thinking they had any right to speak into my life. How do we ever get out of childhood unscathed? My parents have probably been laughing a lot this past couple years.

And I found a precious note from John's mom written to him I am guessing after he moved into what would be our first apartment but before we were married. Actually she typed it which is funny but in it she is telling John she is proud of him, likes how the place is decorated and is careful to acknowledge both of us not just him. I totally feel for her, the worry of losing her son and desire to say the right thing and be encouraging. It felt like the kind of notes I have been writing lately. She has always been special to me but so much more the past few years as I have watched my son move his affections to another. It is something every mother expects and desires for her son but that doesn't make it any easier.

How do you toss all that away? I am not sure I can. I can squeeze in one more small box, right? I will get rid of the wicker chip basket, and my grandma's lazy susan with serving bowls, and I put out the soup tureen. But I can't give up the memories and the relationships that have been part of the making of this life and who we are today.

On the Mountain with God

2014-05-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

"Then Moses went up on the mountain, and the cloud covered the mountain. The glory of the Lord dwelt on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And on the seventh day he called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud." Ex 24:15-16

Have you ever been following God up a mountain, or walking across a sunny field with him in silence? Just basking in his presence. On a cold day, like every day of this winter has been, I think back to warm summer days. I am laying on the hammock we used to have in our backyard, soaking up the warmth of the sun, looking up at the beauty of a turquoise sky contrasted with the green leaves and brown bark of the big tree in the middle of the yard. I would just close my eyes and soak in that moment. Warmth, beauty, safety, peace washed over me in that moment. Even the sound of a car driving by or a plane flying overhead did not distract, rather they were the normalcy of my life, they reminded me that all this beauty and peace was part of my every day life.

This is what I think of when I read the passage about Moses going up on the mountain and having God's glory rest on top in the form of a cloud. Now honestly, while it sounds spiritually cool, physically it just sounds cold to be up in a mountain with a cloud covering me. Beautiful and fun for a moment as long as I am dressed right but as time passes...Well, I am going to have to imagine that God's cloud presence is warm and beautiful not cold and beautiful. Otherwise the wimp in me would say, "OK thanks God, this was fun, got to go now," after just a few hours. I mean if I was covered in God's glory I don't think I would be miserable, pretty sure it would be awesome and I would never want to leave. Adjust your imagination accordingly.

So there we are on a mountain covered in the glory of the Lord waiting for him to tell me what to do next. Now I don't know about you but I love vacations where I can just lay on the beach and do nothing. Just soak up the warm sun. But then I prop myself up to watch people walk by and then I am looking to read a book or a magazine. Then I need to walk down the beach to move around a little and pretty soon I NEED SOMETHING TO DO! What is the point of just laying on the beach doing nothing? And for 6 days that is all Moses was doing. Just sitting there basking in God's glory. Again, I am sure it was amazing but even when I am in the most wonderful of worship services where God is so clearly present I get wiggly. Which is not to say that actually witnessing a cloud of God's glory isn't far more powerful than singing the crescendo to How Great Thou Art or 10,000 reasons or How Great is Our God, but still it is 6 days of Moses sitting in God's presence in silence.

So here we are in our life, in 2014. And we are living our day to day life. And while we might occasionally get to take a vacation from our life to follow God up a mountain and just sit there in his glory waiting for him to speak, most of the time we are all forced to live life while in God's presence. We still follow God when he tells us to go up a mountain, and we might even find ourselves witnessing the glory of the Lord in our current circumstances of life having followed Him to this place. But we are also surrounded by needy kids, work demands, responsibilities, problems, trials.

Maybe you followed God across the country to a new job, a new life, and while you see God's presence in this new place, you are lonely, don't have any friends, can't find a new church you like. God is present but he is silent. And you just don't understand what you are doing there. Why did he lead you to this new place and then just sit back watching you struggle?

Or you are a new mom. God led you to leave your job where you were respected, had friends, put on nice clothes each day, and challenged your brain. Now you spend your days with little people who are constantly disobeying you, questioning your authority, demanding your attention. You are tired and wear jeans, a t-shirt and a ponytail every day. You love being a mom and believe God paved the way for you to be home but you wish he would give you a little more direction.

God lead us to close our business, sell our house, send me back to work and send John on a 6+ year educational journey to become a Physician's Assistant. And while we can see God's glory in the experience sometimes a little clearer message of what to do next or how to do it would be great.

So there is Moses, follows God up the mountain and is surrounded by a cloud of his glory. And if I am Moses I am thinking, "OK here it comes, God's big speech." Hands rubbing together in excitement. And then I Just sit there for 6 days. Fingers drumming on the rock beside me.

I think God does this to us on purpose. I wrote about the Middle recently, that place in life between events. Those 6 days are definitely the middle of this event for Moses. Sometimes God gives us less than 6 days but sometimes he gives us more. How long did the Father of the Prodigal wait for his son to return? How about the years between the end of the Old Testament and Jesus' birth?

What do we do in the middle? I wonder what Moses did? I think he basked. I think he also built a fire, maybe a little lean-to, gathered firewood, made dinner. But always basking in God's presence. I think that is the big point of the 6 days. To let the reality of God, who He is, how powerful He is settle on Moses. If it was me I might start walking up the mountain like, "yeah, God wants to talk to me, I'm cool." But then the cloud would settle on the mountain and I would spend 6 days staring at it and realizing how powerful God is and start thinking about how insignificant I am, and what a huge responsibility God has given me to lead his people. And each day I think Moses might have felt a little more humbled. At least that is how I would feel.

As I wait through John's education, through my career building, through challenging relationships and I turn to God who is present next to me but not always as chatty as I would like him to be. As I seek to just know him better and be aware of who he is and what his plan is for my life, I do become humbled. I am humbled that he would take time for me, believe I am capable of all he has put before me.

And usually as I am seeking to figure out God and my place in the world, I come face to face with my failings. I become overwhelmed by how much sin, just from me, Jesus has taken on. How much I have been forgiven. And I become even more humbled. I recently read an article about 20 things I wish I had known in my 20's. Number 15 is "realize life is not about you." It is so true, as we grow closer to God, as we come to understand our sin better and see His power surrounding us, suddenly I realize it isn't about me, it is about HIM. Whatever is happening in my life right now, it is all about God and all for God. And I am humbled to be part of His plan. The good, the bad and the ugly of it all.

Then, after 6 days standing in God's glory, God speaks to Moses and calls him to actually come into his presence! Not just look upon it but be in it! WOAH.

And for 40 days and 40 nights Moses was in the physical presence of God. Again, WOAH.

Coincidentally it rained for 40 days and 40 nights while Noah was in the arc. Jesus was tempted in the wilderness for 40 day. And Lent is 40 days.

I wrote this during lent, don't know why I didn't publish it, but I think it is true every day. Being aware of God's presence even when he doesn't speak, even when you feel like you are just standing there doing nothing. As Christian's we often refer to "mountain top" experiences with God. Those big high moments where you are in his presence and hear his voice. We tend to seek out those experiences as if they are short exceptions to our day to day life. But what if we can have mountain top experiences all the time? Because we can, God is always present with us. He doesn't come down in a cloud like he did in the old testament, he sent his Spirit to come and live in us. So powerful.

Today I am standing on the mountain with God.

Walking with God through Stressful Days

2014-05-10T09:03:00.000-05:00

I hate being stressed out. So often I just chose not to deal with stressful circumstances. This works well for me when I am stressed about something like getting stuck in traffic and being late as a result. I just go to my happy place and sit in my car relaxing as crawl down the road. I reason that being stressed out won't get me there any sooner so I might as well just enjoy the moment I am in and deal with the problem when it comes. Often I end up being on time, just miss brief introductions, the meeting is also running late, or others are even later than me. Being stressed would have been entirely unnecessary.

Unfortunately, not every stressful situation is as simple to deal with as getting stuck in traffic. Nor as quickly resolved.

Recently I found myself feeling stressed over a work situation. It was an ongoing problem that could not be run away from. I could certainly go to my happy place but eventually I would have to come back and deal with it, until I did it would not go away but would only get worse. I hate that.

One afternoon as I was feeling particularly stressed I was praying and begging God to bring me peace, help me find that happy place and take care of this problem. But as I prayed I knew that even if He gave me peace in that moment, I would still have to address the problem. That was my job. There was just no getting around it. And in that moment of clarity God gently told me I was asking Him for the wrong thing. Not that asking for God's peace was wrong but I wanted him to make it go away, to not have to deal with the problem. What I really needed to be asking was for God to walk with me through the problem, to give me wisdom and peace while dealing with it.

A couple days later as God was walking with me the situation actually got worse not better. But, in that moment it became clear what needed to be done. The biggest stress of the situation had been in not knowing which right choice to make but now it was clear and I could make a decision. And once I did that we were able to start over and ended up with a far better outcome. I couldn't see this better outcome at the time but God could and he walked me over what now seems like a minor bump in the road.

I wish every hard decision had such a quick positive outcome. I wish I could so clearly see God's hand in every course correction. But having a week like this gives me something to hold on to when the stress spans months or years and I am having a hard time seeing the other side.

In my perfect world I have no stress. Everything goes smoothly, people always do the right thing, problems do not exist. In the real world, stuff happens, not everyone does the right thing and as a result we need God, need him to lean on, hold us, walk with us, save us.

Thank you Lord for walking with me through every trial and challenge.

I will sing with joy

2014-05-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

I thought I would share a little update on our life. This year my word is "joy". I always think I will write more on the topic of my word of the year than I do. I am easily distracted and even briefly considered changing my word a few weeks ago unsure this was the right word. But as I reflect this has been a good word for our year. We are nearing the 1/2 way point of the year, amazingly, and it has been a joyful year so far. As we have transitioned away from the trials and stress of 2013 our joy and passion has increased. We are more relaxed and happier than we have been in a long time.

That isn't to say there isn't still stress, but it is less and it is manageable and we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, who doesn't have some stress in their lives? If I woke to find I had absolutely no stress in my life I would probably come to the conclusion that I was dead. In this life there will always be tension because there is always a fight between good and evil going on around us. But we can have joy anyway because we know who will win that fight. We trust Him to take care of us as we walk the hard roads.

So we have joy as John continues with school. After a rough start to his academic career at the University of Minnesota lasts fall, his winter/spring semester has gone much better, back on track. That said we are going to look at him possibly transferring to a smaller school next fall. There are pros and cons to making a move with only 1 year left until graduation. We are also considering slowing down his progress a little next year to ease the schedule. He is either looking at 2 very challenging semesters until graduation or 3 doable semesters. And then on to grad school! We are calling this the half way point of our education journey and we feel more committed to it now than when we started. We also have joy because this is the first semester since he started we did not have one of those overwhelmed break down fights where we wonder if this is all really worth it. We are working together now and becoming comfortable with the craziness of our lives.

We have joy because I am busy with work. Both my part time self-storage job and my real estate are keeping me on my toes. As much as I still lament the loss of days spent in my pj's until noon doing housework, writing blog posts and chatting with friends, I am enjoying the challenge of my days and learning a new routine.

We have joy because Isabelle has joy. She is a happy kid enthusiastic about life. She does have wild hormonal mood swings to keep us alert but overall she is fun and joyful. I enjoy spending time with her. It is interesting to raise a second child. Jake and I were so much a like we had a very comfortable, easy relationship and I always felt like I understood him. Isabelle is totally different and I practically never feel like I understand her, but it is so fun to be with her, to listen and figure her out. I am learning to encourage, motivate and love her in a way she understands and appreciates. Parenting is challenging but an invigorating challenge. And as our life has been insane and our time together limited I am often surprised by how much she does love us and wants to spend time with us. We are blessed by her presence in our life.

Mostly I have joy because each morning I get up and seek the Lord. He directs my thoughts and my path, gives me strength and peace. It is a habit developed over many years that I guard tightly because without it my days just aren't the same.

Ps 59:16-17But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love.For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress.

O my Strength, to you I sing praises, for you, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love.

Morning Stroll

2014-04-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

As I sit outside this morning I looked up to see a male and female mallard walking across one of the bridges in my courtyard. It was an adorable scene that begged me to jump up, grab my phone and photograph it to share on facebook. In this social media crazed world, which I truly enjoy participating in, our first thought is to share it with others. And there really is something great about that. About being able to share our lives with others, to be able to see and experience things with friends near and far. Really, I want to be clear, I love social media.

But in that moment, as I was about to jump up and capture it for all to see I stopped. Because the down side of becoming a reporter for the world is that sometimes we completely miss experiencing the moment for ourselves. So I continued sitting still and watching these two companions come across the bridge, walk across the grass, pause on a path near a second bridge to enjoy the view. They weren't in a hurry, seemed to have nowhere to be but here in this moment, in this place, together. And for a few minutes I got to join them, share in their contented morning stroll and enjoy this place God put me today. Eventually the waddled off out of my sight to carry on with their day and I had to get up and begin my day. But for a moment, I got to stop the crazy of life with Mr. and Mrs. Mallard and just be present.

It was nice. So, although I still don't have a picture, I decided to share it. After I was done experiencing it.

God's Perfect Timing

2014-04-21T07:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Easter and it was sunny. I have often noticed that no matter what stage of winter/spring we are having here in Minnesota, on Easter Sunday it is always sunny. I think God does that on purpose. Except last year, I specifically remember thinking, "Um God, Hello, it is Easter, where is your sun?" But this year not only was it sunny but it was also WARM, which we really have not had for a long time. 6 months really. Seriously, we have not had warm weather for 6 MONTHS. But yesterday it was glorious, 70 degrees, beautiful blue skies. I did not wear a coat, stood outside talking to friends while the kids did an easter egg hunt after church, sat on my parents deck after lunch, sat on my own patio until well past dinner time dragging myself in to feed the family. Glorious. If only every day the weather was that perfect...

This morning as I was writing out my prayer I thanked God for bringing the good weather in his perfect timing. But then I thought about that. While bringing perfect weather on Easter Sunday is perfect timing, couldn't we have had a nice ramp up to perfectly timed perfect weather? While I truly believe that God makes everything perfect in his perfect timing, it just got me thinking about the wait before the perfect timing. Because I think that a month ago the timing would have been pretty perfect too.

This was a LONG winter. And that isn't to say that throughout the winter I didn't know spring would come, it always does. Frankly, knowing spring would eventually come was what got me through winter. But did knowing it would come in God's perfect timing make it any easier? Make me long for the warmth any less?

Maybe it is just me but somehow when I think of the phrase, "All in God's perfect timing" I feel like the underlying message is: Therefore stop being unhappy where you are at, stop wishing for something you don't have, stop thinking about the future, stop...just stop. So as I think about spring coming in God's perfect timing this year and look back on how miserable I have felt about the weather the last couple months I immediately feel guilty for not being content and trusting in God's perfect timing.

But then I wonder. Does knowing God works all things out in his perfect timing, in his perfect way, mean I am not allowed to be miserable in a miserable situation? Does it mean I am not allowed to want for the better? For warm weather, for improved relationships, for financial security? Why do I think that because God takes care of everything I am not allowed to desire. When it is ridiculously cold and miserable outside am I not allowed to experience that?

I don't think that is right at all. We are called to be content in all situations but lately I have been learning that a desire for better does not automatically mean I am discontent. I can work to improve my life without being discontent with where it is right now. Or I can work to improve my life while being discontentment with where I am right now. Two vastly different experiences will follow. Somehow this truth seems so simple and obvious that I should have figured it out long before I was in my 40's. Yet I continue to learn and grow...all in God's perfect timing. So while I did have a couple days this winter of despairing discontentment over the weather, overall I was content to just walk through each day knowing God would work it out in his perfect timing. Whether I liked that particular timing or not.

If you need me for the next few months you can find me here, feeling content, enjoying the blessing of warm weather and soaking up the joy of spring and summer to contentedly get me through another cold and miserable winter next year.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:12-13

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Is 40:31

Crazy Busy but Wonderful

2014-04-18T09:28:00.002-05:00

When I was a homemaker I read a lot of books on planning, time management, organization, leadership, etc. At the time it was because I was running a household, helping John run a small business, helping with church ministry, raising children. I thought I was busy and needed to get control over these areas of my life so I could stay on top of everything. And really, I did. If I hadn't had a plan it would have been a mess.

But now that I am working and running a household, starting a small business and raising a daughter, while my husband is in school full time and working I really need those books. I have read even more books and web sites the past couple years on time management and organization from a working perspective. And I am trying to figure out our life and how to plan so everything still gets done.

It is a juggling act. I am slowly figuring out what is important and what can wait. I am re-discovering the importance of a to-do list in keeping me on track. However, what I have not figured out is how to re-arrange the schedule when something comes up. I realize now how much margin I had in my life when I was a homemaker compared to now. This week was a good but full week. I had meetings, appointments, time with friends, time for paperwork and time to run a couple errands all scheduled in.

Then I got sick.

I am not really that sick, just a cold, but I wanted to be sure I slept well Tuesday night so I took some nyquil before bed. I forget how sensitive I am to drugs, I should not have done that. While I was sickest Wednesday I could have pressed forward, I have been much sicker and worked, but I couldn't push out of my nyquil fog. I slept until after 1pm and it was another couple hours and some food before I finally was able to get in the shower so I could meet clients at 5pm. I might have tried to run my errands after that meeting but we were having one of those not so unusual April snow storms and all I wanted to do was get back home.

The problem is I literally do not have another free moment to run errands again until Saturday. And while we have food and John can wait 2 more days to shave his head, I had planned to buy Easter cards to send my son and daughter-in-law so they received them before Easter. I could have sent them on Thursday and possibly still gotten them on time but Saturday...Definitely will be a late Easter gift.

Now this is hardly an end of the world problem. I suppose if it was I would have stayed out in the snow storm wednesday night and got it done. But what it reminds me of is how little margin I have in my life right now.

One day at a time as I slowly begin to get organized and make a plan I am seeing how all those books on being an organized homemaker, all those classes on time management I took when I had lots of time to manage are now so relevant and helpful in my life as I learn to find that time and create a little margin. I am thankful for the stage of my life where I had time to learn to organize my time.

And as I am praying for revival in my family, starting with me, I love how even something like managing your time is a topic God has addressed. Yesterday I was reading in Prov 16 (on April 16, get it?):

"To man belong the plans of the heart but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue." v1"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." v3"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."v9"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." 15:22 (from the 15th reading.)

As I sit down this weekend to finally catch my breath, after running those set aside errands, and start making plans for next week, I am reminded to let the Lord look over my plans and continue walking forward with Him through this crazy busy but wonderful stage of life we are in.

Jonah and Revival

2014-04-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks we have had a sermon series on Jonah at church. Excellent as always. It is a fascinating book which includes a fantastical tale of a man living in a fish for 3 days and 3 nights. A man called by God who runs away from that call. A man who sees there is no way out, confesses his sin, is released from his fishy captivity and goes to fulfill God's call on his life.

When Jonah gets there I really don't imagine a ton of enthusiasm in his message. Nineveh isn't a place of God. It is filled with sinful people living sinful lives. That is sort of the whole reason God is going to destroy it and the whole reason Jonah didn't want to go in the first place. I sort of imagine him wandering the city square muttering under his breath, "the end is near, the end is near". No call to repentance since he did not believe nor want God to save them. He wandered over to the temple, preached his message with no engaging stories or convicting finger pointing. Just your basic, "you are all a bunch of sinners and God is going to destroy you" message and then sitting back down. He did this while waiting for God to do the deed. I imagine he planned to smile smugly at their destruction, knowing they deserved it, God said so, and head back where he came from.

But this crazy thing happened. The people heard him, believed, and turned to God. Confessed their sins and begged for mercy. And then! THEN! To Jonah's horror, God accepted their confession, forgave them and called off the destruction plan! Can you imagine?

So Jonah had a little tantrum, God tried to give him an object lesson and the book is over.

And we tell this story to our children in Sunday School lessons and in little story books and in veggie tales movies.

I sort of relate to Jonah. I mean God makes a very big deal of sending him to warn Nineveh of its destruction. He goes around telling everyone God is going to destroy the city and then God makes him look like a fool by changing his mind!

I hate looking stupid. Seriously hate it. So while I can look at this overall story and see how ridiculous Jonah was being about the whole thing, if I step in and stand in his shoes, I get it.

This week I have been thinking about times in my life where I really felt like I was following God's call and in the end things didn't go they way I expected. And I am standing there looking a little foolish and wondering what I did wrong. Did I hear wrong? Do I know God at all? I shrink back to my corner hoping nobody noticed and vow not to make any bold statements again. Who am I to know the mind of God? I will just hang back and watch life play out, no need to be a player, just observe and lick my wounds.

But maybe, MAYBE, it wasn't that I heard God wrong but that circumstances changed. Maybe I don't know God's full plan.

I suspect that God's message all along, what He sent Jonah to do, was a call to repentance. While he was prepared to destroy Nineveh His ultimate goal was to bring them back into fellowship with Him. And the people fully did so. If Jonah had a heart for the things of God rather than being more aware of his own desires and actions, he might have seen the truth and been able to rejoice with God and the people of Nineveh. If he was really paying attention and looking at his life he might have even put on sackcloth of his own and fasted and prayed alongside the Ninevites.

I am reminded that God's plans are bigger than my plans. He sees the whole picture, knows the hearts of an entire city. I can only see my very limited and earthly view of things. Will I be like Jonah and hold a grudge against people never letting them change or reach out to God? Will I go sit in the desert and demand God bring them destruction? Or will I join God in his work? Rejoice when I see repentance and trust that His plans, His ways are far above my own.

I have been thinking about praying for revival this week. And I was reminded of a story I first read in the book, "The Circle Maker" of a man who drew a circle on the ground, sat down inside and asked God to create a revival inside that circle. Revival starts with us. Any revival I want to see must start with me. And it starts with confessing our sins and submitting ourselves to God's purposes.

That is what I am doing this week because while I may relate to Jonah, I don't want to be Jonah.

Care to join me? Here are a couple great articles I found to help get me started:

How to Have a Personal Revival
Preparation for Personal Revival

My brown Kitchen

2014-03-02T10:29:00.001-06:00

This is a random post I should probably save for our anniversary but when I get an idea for a post I just go with it. Maybe I will re-post it for our anniversary.

Weddings are wonderful for many reasons. Love, family, celebration. But on the practical side, they are great for setting up homemaking. It would have been a challenge for John and I to buy everything we needed in the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and general home decor. With a wedding and a couple showers we had everything we needed and more. Many of our wedding gifts have long been used up, worn out, broken or gone out of fashion and left the behind. We have slowly replaced bedding, towels, dishes, knives, utensils, candle holders, etc over the years. However, as I wander our home I find a few treasures still here from that outpouring of love from family and friends on our special day.

I didn't pull out every single thing but you get the idea. Pyrex lives forever, mixing bowls, cake pans of every size and pie plates continue to serve us well. Almost all of them were clear. You will also note the Chicago cutlery knife and sharpener (no that knife is not sharp anymore) and the brown visionware spoon that went with the brown visionware pots and pans we registered for.

The formal stuff. I still love my china and yes indeed I do still keep the relish tray in its original box. That crystal pitcher is so heavy you couldn't lift it to pour if you added water so it gets used mainly for flowers.

We had 2 precious ring bearers who gave us this after the rehearsal. Reminds us 23 years later we can always be on our honeymoon.

When we were at Dayton's registering for our wedding we found ourselves unprepared for setting up a home. Of course we didn't ask for help, we were determined to be independent and do everything ourselves as our own new little family rather than let our parents influence our decision. Besides, what could they possibly know about buying new home stuff? Their homes were full of old stuff. We were going to be modern, not old fashioned. Except of course we had no idea what that meant.

You know how some little girls play house and imagine what their future home will look like? You know how as they grow up they dream of getting married and having a home of their own? You know how they might have started with a decorating plan for their room? My sister-in-law had already started collecting her wedding flatware and another friend had bought a set of dishes. You know how girls are like that? I wasn't that girl. I should have been voted most unlikely to marry at 19.

I had literally never given any thought to getting married or how my future home would look or be decorated. Not that I didn't want a decorated home but I had just never thought about to how you put everything together. And, as you can imagine, neither had John.

So there we were wandering around Dayton's trying to figure out what we needed for the rest of our lives. From a practical standpoint we were able to write down baking pans, measuring cups, mixing bowls, etc. Back then they didn't have a scanning gun that let you chose the exact mixing bowl you wanted just the general category. Then the tricky part came in, you wrote down your decorating scheme. What are your colors? Because of John's sister getting married the year before us and not getting any towels the color they registered for we happened to have given some thought to this one question. Burgundy, black and gray towels came to us in many brands and shades. Then we got to the kitchen. What are your kitchen colors? And I am sort of thinking, "kitchens have colors?" At the time John was living in an apartment with bright salmon colored countertops that should have seen the end of their useful life a few years before. I didn't know much but I knew I wasn't going to decorate around that color. Having absolutely no idea what to put down we finally wrote down "earth tones" thinking that means neutral and we can then put with whatever color we do eventually decide on.

Luckily most people decided against giving us kitchen things with a color because it became clear what a mistake it was when I started opening earth toned gifts. Brown towels and potholders. And a set of mixing bowls that were Orange, green and yellow.

23 years later I am still using the ugliest thing we got for our wedding.

The Orange and Green have broke but the yellow bowl lives on.

In the following years as other friends got married it quickly became apparent to me that they all understood something about decorating and setting up a home that I had totally missed when doing my wedding registry. The hottest look in kitchens at that time was bright white kitchens with cobalt blue accents. I never could work my brown towels and orange mixing bowl into that particular trend. Over the years many kitchen color schemes have come and gone, our earth tones even had their day in the sun. But I still look back and laugh about getting brown kitchen towels for my wedding.

I don't know if it is simply irony or if that experience actually played a role in determining our life work. John proceeded to go to school for home design and we ran a business in which knowing all the latest design and decorating trends, especially for kitchens was a vital aspect of our success. People now come to us for advice on designing and decorating their homes. We've come a long way from those two clueless kids sitting on the floor of Dayton's filling out a registry.

In case your are wondering what I dream of these days I thought I would put a few items from my pintrest page on for your viewing pleasure.

I do have a master bath that needs re-doing and this would look great in there.

Our new kitchen is a little more contemporary with gloss white cabinets and black appliances. Would love to replace our carpet with dark wood floors. Haven't decided yet if I want to do dark countertops though. That sounds a little high maintenance. Age has taught me to consider both design and function.

Isabelle's room would look great like this. Although her and John and plotting to build a loft bed...

We have identified a corner of our dining room where we are going to build a closet with a laundry room behind it. I love being able to visualize. Also, love the black laquered doors they put on this. I just saw black doors in an older home that had been remodeled to have a more contemporary design and it was fabulous. Keep the trim white and just paint the doors. Sounds crazy but totally works.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend, one that thought a lot about her future home growing up. She finally says, "I have to go, Lottie and I are re-wallpapering a room in her doll house." I started to laugh. Her 6 year old was already preparing for her future home. I think I see a decorating project for Isabelle and I in the future. I wouldn't want her to end up with brown dish towels. Unless of course that is the current trend.

Embracing the Path Before Us

2014-03-01T07:21:00.001-06:00

When Jake was 4 years old we made a decision. We had been trying unsuccessfully to give him a sibling for 3 years and finally hit a wall. While we hadn't exhausted every medical option that existed, we had exhausted every option financially available to us at that time. So with reality smacking us in the face we looked at God, acknowledged the path he had put us on and began to celebrate it. God gave us one child. A great child. A child we adored. If we were to be the parents of an only child we would embrace this path with gusto!

One of the first things we did was get a family picture taken. We had gotten one taken when Jake was about 15 months but I had put off updating it since then because we were about to get pregnant and have another so I might as well wait until then. Why waste money on a photo of the family that will be obsolete so quickly? In an effort to put action to our resolve we went out and had family pictures taken.

(I would scan in that picture here but I am too lazy. I will just tell you it is adorable and we all look young, fresh and energetic.)

You don't always realize how you are putting your life on hold waiting for something until you let go and stop waiting. In the back of my mind I had avoided a significant vacation because our family wasn't complete. I wanted our whole family to experience the world with us. So we headed to Disneyland the following year. The truth is that we don't really travel all that much, not that we wouldn't like to but we just have never prioritized our money that way, so the next time we took a trip of any significance was almost 10 years later when we went to Kenya, but that Disney trip was a huge symbolic step to embracing and celebrating the path God had put us on.

With this appreciation of God's guiding in our life we have more quickly embraced the road blocks and changes that have come our way over the years. Not seamlessly, not perfectly, our will still conflicts at times with God's plans and I do still fight it at times. But we have learned to live our life amidst whatever reality is before us.

This past fall as we were house hunting for this downsized home we got to embrace a reality we hadn't expected to experience quite so soon. Jake being gone. When we started house hunting we were looking for 3 bedrooms expecting Jake to still have seasons at home with us. But by fall he had joined the army and decided to marry. Both those actions guaranteed he would not need a bedroom in our home again. Moving our sights to a 2 bedroom gave us the option of prioritizing the needs of the child we still have at home and finding the perfect fit for our family. Embracing the stage of parenting we are in now.

At Jake's wedding I returned to the symbolic action I first took when we embraced him as an only child, the family picture. Our family has changed, in a variety of ways, and we now need 4 family pictures to represent who we are today. We captured that change in the moment it happened.

A family of 3 once again embracing the only child lifestyle.

A new family created.

A wedding is a place where a family both multiplies and divides.

That only child God gave us has grown to become 3 beautiful children for us to love.

How are you embracing he path God has set before you?

Winter blahs, working, Nehemiah, Anne and the warm breeze of summer

2014-02-25T10:52:00.001-06:00

It is winter. I mean winter, winter. We are beyond the beginning of winter when the snow arrives and cleans up all the dead and dreary scenery, we are past the joyful holidays, we are past that bitter cold spell where you determine your grit and push forward, BUT, we aren't heading into the home stretch where signs of spring mingle with cold and snow. Nope, we are in that part of winter that is just winter, winter. Cold, snow, ice and nothing but stretching before us.

It is beautiful. After a fresh snowfall we do try to focus on that. For a day or two. And, yesterday as I was pushing my grocery cart through the snow and ice covered parking lot I even thought of something to be thankful for: I was not pushing a crabby 2 year old in a grocery cart through a snow and ice covered parking lot. It really is amazing how much more enjoyable an experience it becomes when you remember that detail.

So I am in the winter blahs.

But I am a Minnesotan, this is not my first winter, not my first winter blah. After a couple days of being pathetic I finally realized there was nothing to do but keep moving so I got up and moved on with my life. And stopped for a Caribou on my way. Because nothing helps say, "suck it up buttercup" like a sugary cup of coffee.

So to explain my life right now I think it is necessary to review the last almost 3 years. (Can you believe it has been almost 3 years since I returned to work!) Year one had me working 8-5 every. single. day. M-F. I liked the job and the people but we realized that particular structure was just not us. Plus there was no real opportunity for me to grow in that company and I wasn't making anything near enough to support us once John quit working, even with a downsize. So then I went to a 30 hour a week from home job which seemed like it would be perfect except that it wasn't. And after 9 months self preservation caused me to quit that job. But by then I had realized what I needed to do was real estate. I had loved and wanted to sell real estate for so many years I couldn't even tell you but never was ready to take on the task before. But now with the time to work carved out of my life, a clear sense of my need for making money and my preparedness to actually do the work I went for it and started my own business. I have been running John's business for years and telling him what to do to grow and succeed. This is my chance to do those things for myself. And so for the last almost year I have been learning, calling, meeting, talking, mailing, listening, asking, showing. I have seriously loved every single second of it. John worked all summer making money while I was busy working basically for free. When I started everyone told me it takes at least a year to start making money in real estate. And the longer I am in it the more I see the truth of that statement. It takes time to tell everyone you know you are selling real estate and then not everyone you know is buying or selling the year you start, so you have to wait. I have a hand full of people who "sometime in the next year or two" are going to move and use me but this does not pay my bills today. Eventually it will come together but until then I did what I knew I would have to do when I started, get a part time job. Which I did last month and I am really happy with the decision.

So here we are today. I went from a job where I was out of the house nearly 10 hours a day with lunch and commute time but evenings and weekends were completely mine, to a job I was at home all the time and worked the hours around my schedule ton now where I am doing a combination of work that is dictated by others and work that I manage myself. It is the right balance for making me feel in control and yet is such a full plate I sometimes feel out of control. I am finding that the hardest part about establishing a business is that you are never sure it is safe to stop working. And yet at this early stage of starting I am not always sure what exactly the next thing to do is. So I find myself sort of hovering all the time over the business. Afraid to walk away but not always sure what to do while I am there.

I also am experiencing a new phenomenon in working that I had never had. Working weekends. My part time job has me doing a Saturday shift until 2pm. And then Sunday's I am often holding open houses after church. Which then leads me to the reality that I no longer have a weekend.

Now I am not complaining but I have suddenly found myself working 7 days a week and it is a bit overwhelming! OK maybe a little complaint but mostly I am thrilled to have so much to do and work I really am enjoying. However, I have a husband and daughter and friends and a home to squeeze in there. Plus I miss running, I want to be able to take a vacation day this summer and occasionally I just like to do my nails or something just for me. The problem is when I get overwhelmed I don't go off and do my nails or go for a run or something that refreshes me. Instead I pass out on the couch, watch too many hours of tv and then get mad at myself for wasting so much time when I have so much to do. And what I realized this past weekend is that unlike when I was at home and would have an overwhelmed, lay on the couch breakdown, there is no margin in my life for this breakdown. I needed those hours I wasted watching tv to do the laundry, make meals ahead or...do my nails (they are so bad right now).

Then again...Things tend to work themselves out. First of all, I am not doing everything on my own anymore. While I was laying on the couch John made a meal and froze it. I did a couple loads of laundry yesterday morning before leaving and John finished the rest when he came home. We are sharing the work load. When I first started working I knew it was necessary but it was also stressful to share the work load. I had been in control of the home and was used to knowing exactly what was happening with every task. I knew I needed to let John help but it took time to let go and trust him. I am there now. (mostly.) Secondly, this new home takes seconds to clean. I can shape up 1100 square feet in less than an hour.

So this week I am working on schedule organization, a plan for my working hours and my home hours. Because while it turns out if I fall apart for an afternoon things do still get done, it still isn't ideal. I would rather enjoy my relaxation time, schedule it in, instead of becoming overwhelmed and falling apart because I forgot to take care of myself.

I decided to read through Nehemiah during my quiet time. That man had a big project in front of him. He took time off from his job to go to Jerusalem, rally the Israelites and get the wall and gates rebuilt. He encountered lots of obstacles but kept moving forward, displayed leadership skills and got the job done. It just seems like there might be something worth learning at this stage of my life.

I am also reading the book Anne of Green Gables to Isabelle right now. This was a favorite when I was a kid. As an adult I see it with new eyes and find it even more brilliant. It is easy to see why it is so beloved. The other day I read the part where Anne is in a little boat floating down the river when all the sudden she realizes it is starting to sink. She is standing in the boat when she sees the pillars of the bridge she is coming toward and realizes it is her chance. She didn't close her eyes because she didn't want to miss the opportunity but she prayed and told God if He would just bring the boat near the pillar she would do the work! And I think about what I am doing career wise. There is a lot to do and a lot to watch and I find myself also afraid to close my eyes for fear of missing he opportunity but often praying, "God, just bring me close and I will do the work!" I think this is the same type of prayer that Nehemiah prayed. There are several times where he prayed and then spoke or did. Quick in the moment prayers. I bet he didn't close his eyes either. I bet it was a prayer that sounded a little like Anne's, "get me close and I will do the work."

So the update of my life is that I am working. It is cold and there is a lot of snow.

When John started school someone said to him, 10 years from now it will be 10 years from now. Great advice for our stage of life. But also maybe for the next 4 months. No matter our attitude or action time goes on, life moves forward. So whether I am up or down, work hard or wallow in the winter blahs for the next 4 months, June will come, the grass will turn green, the trees will blossom, the pool will open, and summer will be upon us. While we wait the question is, "How will I spend the time?" What am I going to accomplish? Am I still going to be sitting here feeling overwhelmed or am I going to say my prayer and do the work God brings my way, get my schedule organized and be ready with a plan that allows me to sit guilt free on my porch and enjoy the warm summer breeze?

What is my story?

2014-01-19T08:09:00.000-06:00

Throughout our lives we each have many stories. Stories of events, stories of funny or sad experiences, stories that help people understand who we are and how we think. Telling our stories to others helps them know and understand who we are. The stories we tell about ourselves define who we are, who we think we are.

Lately I have been thinking about the story I have been telling.

This fall and over Christmas I had a very painful relationship problem. I was treated poorly, accused of things I didn't do, attacked when I got upset for being falsely accused. Treated with extreme disrespect and humiliated in front of friends and family.

It wasn't pretty.

And I have been telling the story. To friends who ask, friends who don't ask, and mostly to myself. Over and over I would tell my story and reach out to God. Finally God answered me, "Melanie, that isn't your story."

It feels an awful lot like my story. I was there, I experienced the attacking words and the behavior, fielded the questions and condolences from the witnesses, was crippled by the pain of being hurt. This definitely feels like my story.

But immediately I knew God was right. This isn't my story. I certainly found myself tangled up in someone elses story, but God is right, this is not my story. It is their story.

However, the more I told the story, the more it was beginning to define me. Poor Melanie who has been so terribly mistreated. How could this happen? And people would look at me with sympathy and sadness, the same sadness I was feeling because of everything that had happened. So I kept praying because I wanted to be rid of my sadness and I didn't like seeing my pain reflected back to me on the faces of those I was sharing with. However, the more I told the story both to others and to myself, the deeper it was settling on me.

"Melanie, that isn't your story."

I do have a story in all this. But it isn't a story of how I was attacked and hurt. It is the story of how God walked with me through a difficult journey. The lessons he has taught, the lessons I have learned. My story is of learning to trust God with relationships you can no longer be a part of and experience his protection when you are. Because there are some relationships you can never get out of and no matter what happens in them you wouldn't want to. So God protects you. And you trust God. And you believe that God will redeem your relationship someday.

I am starting to heal, I feel stronger each day. My hurt is slowly disappearing. And God has blessed us with many good things this month. I think my husband and friends are all a little worried that I will start to feel so strong I will forget my hurt and try to re-engage in the relationship. Honestly, I am a little afraid I might do that too. But if I do that I will have forgotten my story, the story where I have placed this relationship in God's hands and am trusting Him to bring it back to me when it is safe and I am ready. That is the true story, that is my story.

What is your story?

Joy while promoting peace

2014-01-15T07:00:00.000-06:00

The other day I read, "There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil, but joy for those who promote peace." Prov 12:20

Relationships are hard and not all the people we are in relationships with are easy to get along with. If you are struggling with a relationship, especially a relationship with someone close to you, it can be a real joy killer. As I sit in a particularly hard relationship right now this verse was a little reminder that I can have joy despite its hard because I know that while I might not be perfect in my heart I work to promote peace not plot evil.

Since joy is a choice rather than something that does or doesn't happen, you have to spend some time thinking about how to have joy. In this case I can experience joy when I remember that I am trying to promote peace and I see God applauds that behavior. I can let go of guilt or responsibility for the relationship which holds me back from joy. I am not perfect but I know my heart. And I remind myself that the battles before me are for God not me.

So I can look out the window and have joy because I can see the beauty of a fresh blanket of snow. I can have joy when I see my daughter sitting at the table working hard on her homework, I can have joy while laughing at my 5 year old nephew who has discovered how funny it is when he says, "Awkward!" in the middle of a conversation. And I can let myself step away from my stressful and at times difficult life to go help a friend with a church decorating project we both love to work on, the joy we both get from doing it together.

Where did you experience joy today?

The Middle

2014-01-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

Traditionally when you read a story or watch a movie there is a beginning, middle and end. We mostly focus on the beginning and end but don't spend much time dwelling on the middle. Because the middle is just the middle. There is no significance. Nothing happens in the middle, and yet a lot happens in the middle.

The middle is the time where they are learning, growing, becoming. In a mystery, the middle is where the clues are gathered. In a love story it is the time where they are getting to know each other. We learn details about characters and their lives in the middle. Sometimes the middle is where tragic events occur that cause our hero or heroine to grow and examine the choices of life. Everything that happens in the middle is vitally important to what happens next but not always the part of the story we talk about. When you think about the Matrix, do you remember how Neo struggled to believe he was the one and had doubts or do you remember how he confidently walked through a security gate and the epic series of action scenes that followed. We remember how he came to believe and did things that they didn't know were possible, but before that, he was just a guy on a cold ship, wearing old clothes and with serious doubts about who he was.

The stories in the bible have beginnings, middles and ends. Abraham was told by God to sacrifice Isaac, brought him up the mountain to do so and at the last minute God stopped him and provided an alternate sacrifice. God's people were rescued from Egypt, wandered for 40 years in the desert and then were given the promise land. The prodigal son was given his inheritance, was gone many years and then returned. Mary was told she would give birth to God's son, 9 months of pregnancy passed and then Jesus was born. 33 years later he was crucified on a cross, 3 days past and then he rose from the dead.

What happens in the middle? What was it like for Abraham to walk up that mountain not knowing God would save his only son? What did the Israelites do for 40 years wandering the desert wondering what the purpose of their life was? What was the father of the prodigal son thinking when he sold half his stuff, gave it to his son who he loved and watched him walk away unsure he would ever see him again? What was it like for Mary to spend all those months being judged? And then all those years raising Jesus and watching him grow and be part of their lives. He didn't launch his ministry at 18 after high school, when he was an adult, he continued to live as a regular man learning and listening well into his adult life. What was Mary thinking about the fact that she was raising God's son and yet he was doing nothing significant? What were Jesus' disciples thinking during those 3 days Jesus was in the tomb? How they all must have suffered.

We know the stories, know how they end, the beautiful way God redeems, works out situations. He has a purpose for everything he does. So when we see someone in the middle or we are in the middle we tell ourselves God will work it out. And He does! No doubt about it. Eventually. God does not make random decisions, he is not surprised by anything that happens. God does not go about reacting to what pops out in front of him. He didn't leave the Israelites in the desert for 40 years because he forgot about them or was busy with something else. There is deep purpose in the middle.

In the middle we grow, learn, listen, believe.

I imagine Abraham walking up that mountain praying, telling God he trusted him, reminding himself of God's promise and power to fulfill it. Reminding himself of God's sovereignty and his commitment to Him. But I also can't imagine the walk up the mountain without also hearing Abraham's doubts, fears. Why are you asking this of me God? How can you fulfill your promise if I sacrifice Isaac to you? I don't want to do this Lord, please don't ask me to do this. And I imagine a deep sadness settling on him as he got closer and knew he must obey the Lord. The full gamut of grief.

I imagine the Israelites wander the desert, day in and day out. The routine can become comfortable and familiar. Life happens. Manna and quail show up every day to feed them. They walk, set up tents, build fires, sleep. Wake up, break down camp and move again. They marry, have children, celebrate, learn, grow, listen. But they wonder what they are doing, how long must they do it. They get tired of all the same, see other nations building buildings, building wealth, setting down roots, having a place to belong and yet they just wander.

I imagine the father of the prodigal son. The grief he must have felt when his son asked for his inheritance. I imagine him selling half of all he had to give his son the money he desired and then watching him walk down the path away from him. I imagine what it must have felt like to not know if he would ever see him again. And I imagine all those years the father spent, rebuilding his wealth, taking care of his land, enjoying his other son yet knowing someone was missing from all their celebrations. Always remembering the son who left. I imagine him wondering what he did wrong. Wishing he could go back and be a better father. His desire to go find him and bring him back. Tell him he is wrong and make him understand how much the father loves him. And how much more valuable that is than all of his wealth and any inheritance he might receive. And yet, he waits patiently at home.

I imagine Mary going through a pregnancy, trying to convince people she did not cheat on Joseph, being judged, hiding, being scared of what was happening to her. Trusting God and yet, wondering, so much wondering when we are in the middle, Mary wondering what will happen to her. Why did God chose her?

I imagine Mary's pain as her son is killed, crucified. As she watches him die. And his disciples who gave up families and livelihoods to follow him. 3 days of wondering, why they did that? Do they have anything to go back to? What is next for them? I imagine a real crisis of faith at that moment.

Maybe it is just me but when I am in the middle I tend to get wiggly. Sometimes the middle can be OK. We are in the middle of John's educational journey. It isn't fun but I can practically taste the thrill of victory that will come when he is finished and has a job in hand. And the success will be sweeter because of all we did to get there.

However, not all middles are the result of a clear goal or plan. Sometimes you are in the middle of something you don't want to be in, sometimes you get put there by someone else and you have no idea when or if it will ever end. Being in the middle of something you didn't choose, no fun.

Still, the stories give us hope. Keep us going. Abraham came down the mountain with his son, the Israelites settled in the promise land, the prodigal son came home, Jesus was born and had a ministry, he rose from the dead and is reining to this day. Knowing all that doesn't make the middle difficult, a big pain in the butt, a place we want to run from but, it does remind us on those days that there will be an end and God's purpose is always so much more amazing than what we had planned for ourselves.

Back to working mom

2014-01-12T05:00:00.000-06:00

This is just a random update post. I don't know if anyone else likes these play by plays of my life but sometimes it is nice to write it out just for my own ability to review and reflect on experiences.

So last spring I got my real estate license and have been busy not making money ever since. Everyone assures me that it takes at least a year to get up and start making money. Since I am still several months from that year it stands to reason that my lack of income over the past 8 months is not that surprising. Not that have done nothing but what I have done won't be keeping us housed and fed.

So this fall I started looking for a part time job to supplement my income. I considered full time as well and had one job that I actually would have taken if they had made the decision in the last couple months (I appear to be their number one candidate but they haven't decided yet to fill the position). Other than that one job I was basically ignored by the world of human resources. I was starting to wonder if I was doing something wrong when responding to Craig's List postings. Maybe they weren't actually getting my resumes.

To be honest the stress of the fall made me slightly grateful I didn't have a "real" job. However, the stress of not having any income did not help the other personal stress at all. But in the back of my mind on really bad days I did wonder if maybe God just knew I could not be working at that time. Finally as the year ended and the big burden moved off to the side I sat down in front of Craig's List ads once again. The Monday before New Years I sent out resume's to 4 or 5 jobs. All of which were very different positions but sounded interesting in their own ways. I had gotten in the habit of doing this every week or two so I didn't really think much of it but on Jan 2 I got an email asking to set up an interview! And then I got another, and then another! By Jan 3 I had 3 job interviews lined up for this past week and ended up having a follow up interview for the full time job as well. 4 interviews in one week after months of crickets. God knows. We do the work, but always he brings in the harvest at just the right moment.

After many discussions with John I narrowed it to a first and second choice, prayed and waited to see what would happen next.

Great news! My first choice offered me a job! At the same time I have been helping out a realtor at my office that asked if I would be interested in joining his team. Initially I wasn't sure I wanted to give up my total independence but realized the benefits outweighed the negatives and decided to go for it. And here I am back to work! Part time assistant manager of a mini storage facility and part of a successful real estate team.

This has been a weird few months for me. After years at home I had just started getting into a comfortable routine as a working mom when I quit my job to do real estate. I had gotten comfortable with a schedule that did not allow me to spend a day organizing cabinets or being free to meet friends at a moments notice. And then this year happened and I found myself feeling confused. Am I at home? No, I definitely am supposed to be working. But I have very little to do and I am not making any money. The least I could do is clean the house and organize a closet. And I like my friends. But if I do that am I wasting time I could be doing something that might produce money in the future? How do I spend my time?! It felt like a year in which I wasn't a homemaker or a working mom. I was limbo woman.

Now with that limbo time drawing to a close I will say I am not looking back fondly feeling I didn't appreciate the time I had. I think confused was the only place to be. However, knowing this time will soon be coming to a close I am madly spending this weekend cleaning, organizing and preparing our home and schedule for the return of working mom and the need for a plan and system to keep myself sane.

My first return to work didn't go so well but I think this second return is going to be just right.