The Freezing Flames

The New Blog

2010-11-20T04:10:00.002+05:30

Pyjama-party chez Bolty! Everybody and their Grandma are invited!

http://spaceofnothing.wordpress.com/

It isn't much, yet. Just a couple of compositions and a couple of posts. I hope to add more soon.

See you all there!

Where I End And You Begin

2010-11-08T18:47:00.002+05:30

I have not blogged for so many months now. A whole lot has happened in this while. Where do I even start? Perhaps it is best if instead of explaining everything, I simply state a few of the more important things that have happened in my life. That way, we can easily catch up and move along.

Coming Out

On May 22, 2010, I came out to my parents. They were shocked at the revelation but they assured me that they love and support me, no matter what. All those fears which tortured me were proved baseless in a matter of minutes. Sure, they had their own questions and doubts, but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Long story short: I am the luckiest kid in the whole wide multiverse. *huge smile*
Bangalore

I took a gap year after my exams. I stayed at home in New Delhi for a month and a half before certain incidents brought me to Bangalore. Without going into details, it just so happened that I remained in Bangalore. I stay with my uncle and aunt and have been here for six months now. I just love this city. The climate, oh my, the climate is just fab. As I write this, there is a soft drizzle outside and a faint mist hangs over the buildings. It is beautiful.
Labels

Shortly after coming out, on June 6, 2010, I made a choice after much thought and analysis: I chose to let go of the label 'Queer'. By association, this also means that I no longer identify as 'genderqueer', 'butch' et cetera. Please understand, this is not a step back into the closet at all. On the contrary, I am now very much open about myself and what I feel. I am still that same person.

I still like girls, I still like the occassional guy in a gay way, I still have the hots for androgynous people, I still bind my chest, I still listen to Tegan and Sara, I still am a weirdo. I just choose not to label any of that. If someone were to ask me now what my sexual orientation is, I would answer, "I don't know." If someone were to ask me now what my gender is, I would answer the same. However, if someone asks me what I feel, well, I could answer that quite clearly.

My feelings haven't changed much in comparison. Unlike feelings, certain labels are disputable and variably interpreted. So, I removed those labels. I am now "nothing".

This has resulted in me being at much more ease with myself and my body. I feel freer than ever. I am not sure how to explain it but I do feel a difference. Queer may be an expansive term, a very encompassing label.. but I can see now that it is not for me. That is all.

That being clarified, I also wish to inform you that I shall no longer blog at The Freezing Flames. This blog documented many aspects of almost two years of my life - a part of my life that I am complete with. It was a roller-coaster ride while it lasted and what can I say except: I love roller-coasters and thank you all for riding along! Having said that, I officially conclude The Freezing Flames.

Don't be sad yet, because...

I have started another blog. One where I am known not by any identity or label. There, I am simply "I". A crazy bundle of feelings, emotions and thoughts. A human. A being. My new blog is but only a fresh page for a new chapter in the story of my life.

I shall post a link to it very soon and I would love to see every one of you there.

Stay tuned.

Beginning of the End

2010-07-15T00:07:00.004+05:30

The final chapter of a book awaits the tip of its author's pen.
The journey of a lifetime draws to an end.
Watch this space.

Let music speak for me.

2010-03-01T19:03:00.000+05:30

When I pretend, everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can't forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just 'cause I know I can
But I can't pretend this is the way it will stay
I'm just..
Trying to bend the truth
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be
So I'm..
Lying my way from you

I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
Let me take back my life
I'd rather be all alone
Anywhere on my own
'Cause I can say
The very worst part of you
Is me

I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person really is me
And I'm..
Trying to bend the truth
But the more I push the more I'm pulling away 'cause I'm..
Lying my way from you

I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
Let me take back my life
I'd rather be all alone
Anywhere on my own
'Cause I can say
The very worst part of you
The very worst part of you
Is me...

- Linkin Park

'Lying From You'

My Butch Skin

2010-02-23T21:21:00.000+05:30

I wonder just how butch I must be looking right now -- wearing only a binder, boxer briefs and my Dad's old wristwatch.

Pronouns

2010-02-21T11:24:00.002+05:30

What pronouns do you prefer? (by britisshameless)

I generally try to avoid using pronouns while referring to myself online. In case I have to, I use he or ze, depending on my mood. I think I am just a tiny bit more comfortable with he/him/his than ze/zir/zirs/hir simply because the latter feel somewhat awkward in speech. I love being called 'Sir' both in real life and online. Ma'am - not so much.

Similarly, I try avoiding honorifics altogether. I hate being called 'Miss' and am not quite used to 'Mister'. The other day, I came across a gender neutral honorific 'Mx' (pronounced Mix or Mixter) on genderfork and I'm considering using that if need be.

Real life situation is a bit more complex as it is not realistic to expect that everyone in India will understand the concept of genderqueer. Like I answered in a previous question, I just leave it up to the other person (waiter, shopkeeper, stranger, whoever) to address me as whatever they perceive me to be. Since I have to deal with them only for a short time, I can manage it. Choice of language also comes into play as Hindi (my mother tongue) is very much gendered. I try to get by with using gender neutral words in Hindi as long as possible, or else I switch to genderless English. A couple of my friends and my sister know not to use any pronouns for me on my RL facebook. Offline, we generally talk in Hindi - where I am so conditioned to female gendered speech that it would feel strange if my family started using male gendered Hindi for me. I guess am just not accustomed to it yet.

It is all rather complex and also dynamic. I am still trying to figure it out because I don't quite think that I am there yet, at least in regards to pronoun preference.

-----

Do you also have a question for me? Ask away at http://www.formspring.me/FireboltX. Registration not required.

Being Genderqueer In India, Big Gay Scene and Homophobia.

2010-02-19T10:50:00.002+05:30

I was asked this question on formspring a few days ago. Got around to answering it today. Thought that I'll post it on here as well.

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What's it like being genderqueer in India? Is there a big gay scene over there? Is there a lot of homophobia? (by FreakOfNature)

* In India, queer visibility of any kind is very low. I have been harassed on account of my gender a few times, have had the usual slurs thrown at me but none of that has been very serious. It does feel bad, though. Most of the time people just stare and point while I try not to pay attention. Although, I admit that I am generally too anxious about my gender presentation.

On the fun side, amusing altercations due to others' confusion regarding my gender occur often. I've had "Sir.. Madam.. Sorry, Sir.." happen to me so many times! Nowadays, I simply leave it upto the other person to figure me out and address me as whatever they perceive me to be. Since 'genderqueer' is a concept as alien to them as the Na'vi of Pandora, I generally do not take the pain to explain my complex gender identity to everyone. I can't expect much when even some of my closest friends don't get it. Obviously, the most common question I get is, "Are you a boy or a girl?" My answer depends on the situation and on who is asking. I either fool around and mind boggle the asker or simply say that I am a girl. Some people have in fact outright refused to believe I was a 'girl' and resulting conversations were hilarious. I have lots of funny stories to tell about all this right from when I was a little kid. (I'm still a kid, but not so little anymore.)

* Considering that homosexuality was a punishable criminal offence until July 2, 2009 when New Delhi High Court ruled it unconstitutional, you can conclude that there is not much of a gay scene here. A few big cities do have queer scenes but those are small and quite sparse. I am yet to visit such a place myself.

* Yes, there is a lot of homophobia here - ranging from ridiculous to hateful to extremely violent. Most people are far from affable to the very idea of queer sexuality so to actually come out and stay out is difficult, if not downright impossible for some. A handful of cities may be described as gay friendly but the society in general is rather conservative regarding these matters. Although, the recent High Court ruling reflects a positive shift in public opinions which is encouraging. Equality is a long, long way but we shall get there eventually.

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Do you also have a question for me? Ask away on the link below. Sign up not required.
http://www.formspring.me/FireboltX

"What would you like to order, Sir?"

2010-01-15T20:11:00.002+05:30

I think I just baffled someone with my genderforkery.

After two months of a waiter knowing me by sight as "Sir", today it is him who picks up my phone call to place an order. He judges me by my voice and calls me "Ma'am". I proceed to place my order. While giving him the same instructions that I always give when I dine there, I say, "I think you remember me."

He is confused for only a moment until recognition hits. He pauses, then asks for my name and address. I give him those. Confirmed: "Ma'am".

I wonder how he will address me the next time I go there.

Audiophile: "That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood"

2010-01-10T02:28:00.001+05:30

Kathleen Hanna

Kathleen Hanna is a musician, activist and feminist icon who practically started the Riot Grrrl movement back in the 90's. Starting out as a spoken word performer, she became the lead singer of noted feminist punk band Bikini Kill during early to mid 90's and then Le Tigre, a dance/electro punk band in late 90's. She released a solo album under the name Julie Ruin in 1998. She also taught an art class in the Fall 2007 semester at NYU's grad school.

In recent news: NYU Acquires Kathleen Hanna Papers for Riot Grrrl Collection

Hanna has just donated a collection of her work to New York University Fales library. The documents are believed to include many of her zines, correspondences and other writings from 1989 to 1996. The library is referring to the donation as The Kathleen Hanna Papers and will make them a part of their newly announced Riot Grrrl collection which "will support scholarship in feminism, punk activism, queer theory, music history and more."

Trivia about KH I find cool:

The song 'Letterbomb' by Green Day begins with vocals by Kathleen Hanna as Whatsername. The character Whatsername in the Green Day rock opera album American Idiot is inspired by 'Rebel Girl', which is probably the most famous Bikini Kill song.
Hanna also inspired the name for Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' when she wrote "Kurt smells like teen spirit" on lead singer Kurt Cobain's wall.

"That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood...
I got news for you: SHE IS!"

Hippie Hallidaze!

2009-12-25T00:07:00.000+05:30

It's that time of the year again...

Happy Winter Solstice!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy Kwanzaa!
Happy Christmas!
Happy.. uh..

In short, Happy Holidays!

There, you have it, it's not only Christmas time right now. So don't ask me why I don't just say "Merry Christmas".

Happy Holidays is better because it is secular and also, the word 'holiday' is pretty sweet, don't ya think? It brings to me visions of Mom-made food, my computer and pure bliss.

Oh, did I mention I board a train to New Delhi in less than six hours? Yep, I'm getting my family ME for the holidays!

Have fun, kids! ^_^

I Was Seventeen

2009-12-11T12:58:00.003+05:30

And I used to wallow in the woes of legal childhood - until today.

Is it strange that I do not want to grow up? When I told this to Mom, she told me to look at all the things I will be eligible for now: smoking, drinking, driving (not in that order on the same night, though). I reminded her that in most places one still has to be 21 or older to be served alcohol.

In any case, I do not want to smoke or binge drink nor do I think she would let me. Also, I shouldn't be allowed on the roads behind a steering wheel until I take a course in hand-eye-brain coordination. Yes, I am pretty accident prone.

She said that I can vote. Well, that is one good thing.

I still feel seventeen. Maybe I will be seventeen till I die.

I am happy. There is a little party tonight and I am trying to think of ways to make it more fun. If I had a trampoline we would have jumped for hours. And if the Cram City had a laser tag arena we would have gone and played that too.

You can bring the kid to adulthood but you can never bring the adulthood into this kid.

Not A Hero

2009-12-08T18:38:00.007+05:30

_____

I wrote this post this morning. Publishing it now.
_____

I am officially so sick and tired of this situation that I just can't bring myself to reiterate what I have said at three different internet locations. Tomorrow, I may or may not post in detail about what went down. So, let the following suffice for now.

Case in question - the following tweet:

Which prompted this (and more tweets from me that set the wheels in motion for the drama that ensued):

Greg Grunberg is an actor who plays Matt Parkman on one of my favorite TV shows, Heroes. He also does charity work towards finding a cure for epilepsy - which his son suffers from. I used to like him and think that he was a real life "hero". Not anymore.

Chaz Bono is the son of singers Cher and Sonny. Born Chastity Bono, he recently publicly came out as trans and is currently undergoing transition from female to male. He is an LGBT rights advocate, writer, actor and musician.

Now, go and read this:

"'Heroes' Star Greg Grunberg Tweets Transphobia" | The Bilerico Project

And this:

"Greg Grunberg is a douche – or doesn’t know better" | queersome

If you have time, also read my comments on both blog posts.

Then come back here and tell me about what you think.

I'm off now to do something about the headache this has caused.

---

UPDATE:

December 9, 2009
6.59 AM (IST)

"Greg Grunberg Responds...and So Do I" | by Rebecca Juro at The Bilerico Project

- An open letter by Rebecca Juro (author of The Bilerico Project article linked to earlier in this post) in response to an email sent to her by Greg Grunberg.

---

UPDATE:

December 11, 2009
8.32 AM (IST)

Putting the matter to rest:

The Greg Grunberg Story: An Update | The Bilerico Project

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) was called in and they took action which prompted Grunberg to apologize again, this time with feeling.

I do not think he is a bad person at heart, he just didn't know better. Let us hope he got the message and now knows better than how he acted before.

Big thanks to everyone who came together and helped in getting this done! Goes on to show the importance of solidarity. Let us remember that always.

ShutterBug: "One-third Passion and Two-thirds Pride"

2009-12-07T13:20:00.002+05:30

Photo title inspired by this song by Tegan and Sara.

"Got a straw inside of me
And it's filled just fine
Got a straw inside of me
With the strongest wine
Well I'm one-third passion
But I'm two-thirds pride

[...]

I got a burning passion in my throat
I got a burning passion inside me"

~~~~~

Lately, I have been taking a lot of pictures of myself. Sometimes, I upload them to my flickr photostream. I clicked this photo through my phone camera yesterday, edited it using Nokia Image Editor and uploaded it last night. On my photostream, there are a couple of photos similar to the original of this one. Take a look if you want and tell me what you think.

~~~~~

Rise and Shine / A Rather Amateurish 'Audiophile' Post

2009-12-04T10:49:00.009+05:30

I actually slept last night, for a change. Fell asleep around 1 AM, I think, and woke up at 4. Not too bad, considering I had a cup of strong coffee at 8 AM, so I'm likely to stay up for the while. I'm trying to shed my vampire skin - don't want to sleep during the day anymore.

From 4 AM till now I have been on teh internetz going through my twitter, feed reader, email etc. and listening to new music. I know, I know - gotta shed my webaholic skin too. Anyhow, I checked out an artist recommended on genderfork.com and it was love at first sight - or sound - doesn't matter which. I heard hir for the first time today and I was sitting there, starry eyed, lost somewhere far away...

Wow, that rhymes!

The artist is Chris Pureka and this is the video that made me fall for hir. This feeling is kinda new to me. It usually takes me a while to warm up to any artist but this was... well, let's just say it made me consider that something like "love at first sight" might actually exist, even though mine wasn't really a "love at first sight" case.

I am in a different mood today, ain't I? Is it the coffee or something else? I don't even write like this usually, do I? o_O

Amanda Palmer

Tegan and Sara

Anyway, then there is AFP a.k.a. Amanda (Fucking) Palmer of The Dresden Dolls fame who shot her own absolutely crazy "karaoke verité" video of Tegan and Sara's song "Hell" in New York City. Check out AFP's crazy version here. I feel sorry for poor kids like myself who have nothing but a Nokia cellphone to get online because this video is effing NOT AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE MOBILE which means I cannot watch it. Gawd, sometimes I hate not having my own laptop here. To cheer myself up, I went and watched some other Dresden Dolls videos instead, including "Coin-Operated Boy", which I love, and this particular brilliant video of "The Kill" shot by a group of Brazillian fans.

And can I just say that I love mobile internet radio which I discovered yesterday? I deeply regret that I didn't discover it sooner.

Enough babbling. Now, for that gawddamn physics project...

Wishing ya'll a good day ahead!

P.S. This post probably has a video link too many. Bear with me, please, while I try to figure out whether I got out on the wrong side of the bed today - or on the right side.

Lost In Translation

2009-12-01T23:59:00.001+05:30

When one is sad or angry, negatives seem to magnify and overshadow the positives. I had no idea what was happening until that phone chat inadvertently turned into a heartbreaking conversation - three hours and a lot of tears.

Begin long rambling rant:

Apparently two years are enough to make me forget how bad things used to get at home sometimes when you both got mad at each other over the littlest of things.

We kids used to take refuge in each other. Lock my bedroom door, turn up the music and shut out the rest of the world. We made small talk, discuss music. We would then jump on the bed, sing loudly and try to have fun generally. Try to escape.

Right now, she is alone and I'm not there for her.

Generation gap. Lack of communication. Frustration running high.

Adults tend to put a teen's anger down to hormones. They tend to overlook the actual cause of anger because, "Oh! It's just that age." But age can't be the cause of anger.

You fight, she gets irritable. You tell her off, she retaliates. You put it down to teenage angst. The cause of anger doesn't register. All that registers in your mind is that she yelled at you because she doesn't understand. But she does.

You can't take away her only means of escape. You should understand that only because I grew so addicted to it doesn't mean that she too will. She isn't like me. She doesn't have 'issues' that I did.

She doesn't watch the telly. She's shy and doesn't hang out with friends. She isn't even on any social networking site! She does like reading and learning new things like I did when I was little. You bought me printed books for that. Times change, she has virtual books.

She has tried to talk about things that she learns - science, history and culture - if only you cared enough to notice. You look at her sitting there and all you can see is a distant image of me - the one who became an addict. She is a dedicated student. She studies way more than I ever did. But when you see her sitting at the computer desk, why do you momentarily forget how drastically her grades have improved lately? Why is your only thought that she is being spoilt? Is it because of what I did? Why must you compare her with those old images of me that you have in your minds?

At least she can talk to you about it all. What used to be my answer when you asked what I did all day on the internet? I would mumble something and try to change the topic.

What could I have answered? -- I am looking for affirmation that I am indeed normal and not a freak. I am reading up on all these famous people who are gay. I am trying to relate to the experiences of other people who are like me, for there are so many out there! I am reading about labels and categories and trying to figure out where I fit in, if at all. I feel like my being transcends societal boundaries. I am talking to all these people and I feel happy. I am closer to fine. But today I read about the persecution that queers are subject to by the society. I am worried, Dad. I am afraid, Mom. -- Could I have told you all this then and expected you to understand? Not then. No, I couldn't. I was simply too terrified.

I can't put my arguments before you and expect for them to be taken at face value. I have so many things going against me. My words are likely to have negative impact because of my history.

When you fight now, she can't even retreat into a corner like we used to. She has bad days because of it, too, you know. She often breaks down.

She told me about little things that hurt. Like when you fail to appreciate her accomplishments. Instead, in your frustrated state of mind, you unintentionally make a remark that is hurtful.

I know it's not anyone's fault. You barely get enough time to breathe. On top of that all of this tension and trouble. I understand. I only wish I could do something about it.

Granted, the current situation at our home isn't even twenty percent as bad as what we hear about happening elsewhere but it feels just as painful. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that both of us have led very protected lives. You told us that since you didn't have such a good childhood, you want us to have the best that you can give. And you do give us your very best. You do.

Maybe because the two of us have never known what 'bad' really constitutes, occassional hardship affect us so much. We are unable to withstand pressure and rough patches.

Andy advised me not to get angry when I talk to you - for I must - about your situation... but right now I'm simply too sad to be angry.

I can't think properly. I can't even express myself coherently right now. I am afraid that I am giving my readers a very, very wrong idea of the situation. Note that I am addressing only the least pressing problem on my blog because not everything can be discussed here.

It's not the fricking internet connection at home that I'm worried about. No. It's my sister and the situation between my parents.

I want to help her and them. I want not to talk but to communicate with my parents. We can work out a solution. But they probably don't think we, especially she, are mature enough. If only they saw that beneath her childish exterior, their 13 year old daughter is just as mature as I am, if not more.

I wish they understood.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.

Less than ten days left of being seventeen... but I likely will still be strung out on confusion long after.

Pissed off

2009-11-30T08:24:00.001+05:30

Fuck you, world.

Shake It, Like A Ladder To The Sun

2009-11-01T23:05:00.004+05:30

A few days ago on the train back from New Delhi when I was bored and sleepy, I tweeted the following:

Firebolt needs a girlfriend. Send in your applications through twitter or email.

Did I think twice before clicking 'Update'? Nope! What I did after, though, was yawn and stretch, then slump and doze off for over an hour.

The next day I found a handful of twitter replies regarding the shout out waiting for me. I sat down to answer them. Unfortunately, my asstastic talents include a natural cluelessness about flirting. I don't know how to flirt. Period. Now I think my silly answers have probably ruined what little 'chance' I had with them. LOL!

Anyhow, I received an email from a friend asking for an application form. I hadn't thought of making an official form before. It seemed a fun idea. So I made one! I'm putting it up here. You can fill it out if you like. *wink wink* *snicker*

------

Name:
Age:
Gender Identity:
Sexual Orientation:
Location:

------

Describe yourself:

Interests:

Dislikes:

------

Three things you like about me:
1.
2.
3.

Three reasons you and I should hook up:
1.
2.
3.

------

1. Are you a cat person or a dog person?

2. Are you into queer music?

3. Have you ever barfed on someone else's shoes?

4. Have you ever spontaneously burst into a song/dance in a public place?

5. Do you know how to drive?

6. Are you taking this application seriously?

7. Do you believe that I am being serious?

8. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

9. Are you vegetarian?

10. Do you believe that one day machines are going to take over the world?

11. What is your wildest fantasy?

12. Are you crazy?

13. If no, then what made you fill out this application form?

------

:D

Age no bar! Drunk typing is always funnier! Wear a tinfoil hat and click a picture! Turn this into a meme if you want!

When you have filled out the form, send it to flamezville at gmail dot com or put it up in the comments section. Have fun!

Cheers! ^_^

All Nightmare Long

2009-09-30T23:59:00.004+05:30

-------
I wrote this post last night itself but ran out of balance on my cellphone and couldn't publish it then. Here it is now.
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29 September, 2009.

As I type this, I'm lying down - tired, irritated, angry and with a headache pounding my head. My day at the Cram School was not at all a good one. Neither was this morning one of my best. I woke up from a terrible nightmare.

I dreamt that was a transboy. A pre-operative female to male transgendered person. And, I was at the local McDonald's for a snack. There I needed to use the restroom. There was a queue of balding middle aged men in front of the men's room. I joined the queue, extremely concerned about passing as male. I hadn't had top surgery yet. The men would glance at me but then looked away as though I was an embarrassment. Nobody asked any questions, although.

Soon it was my turn and I was inside the restroom. Then, he came in. Skin unnaturally dark like black leather, an extremely ugly, contorted face. He was unusually thin - almost two dimensional - and extremely tall. He hardly looked human.

He was furious. He told me that I wasn't supposed to use this restroom. I replied something incoherent. He commanded that I strip down to prove I was a male. I refused. He growled that I was a disgusting freak and did not deserve to be in this restroom. Advancing on me threateningly, he said that he was going to show me my place. I knew what was going to happen but somehow, I couldn't move to save myself. I was rooted to the spot in extreme fright. Then all of a sudden my Dad was at the door. I pleaded him to save me but he was somehow frozen still as a statue. He could do nothing.

What happened then, I'm unsure. It's a blur. Next thing that I do remember was that I was running with terror tearing at my heart. And I was crying.

I was crying and running through the Cram School but the place was unrecognizable. It seemed as if the building and its corridors had fed themselves and grown like branches of a tree.

Dad was running alongside me. We had both escaped - how, I know not. I told him I needed to talk to a lady who works at the cram school about the assault. 'Sexual assault' - I remember using that phrase. Strangely enough, I have never talked to this lady in my life but in this dream I believed that she was a counselor and could help me.

We found her sitting with some other kids near an artificial fountain. I told her I had been sexually assaulted. She looked kindly at me and asked us to follow her to her office. We made to follow her. Dad was a little way ahead of me and had just entered the building with the counselor at which instant, my assailant came out of nowhere and attacked me, once more.

I managed to fight him off and tore blindly into the building to find myself in an unfamiliar dark corridor with the assailant in hot pursuit. I fled for my life. The corridor came to a dead end ahead and I was trapped. Terrified. The walls loomed in front of me. I turned around. He was approaching on legs that were long - too long. Then he was towering over me. I slipped through the gap between his legs and ran. He skidded and stumbled before turning around to pursue me again. Even as I ran from him, I knew his long legs would catch up with me soon - but suddenly I was clear of the dark corridor and was running in twilight on a street. I ran around a bend and found myself some distance away from the counselor's office where Dad also was. Across the street from the counselor's office, there was a kiosk where a policeman and a policewoman were selling magazines and newspapers. My assailant lurked around the bend, not daring to come any nearer.

At that moment I realized that I had patches of beard growing on my face like knots of grass. Suddenly the point of view changed and I was looking at myself. My face looked hideous with those weird patches of hair on it. The point of view switched back to mine.

I told Dad that I was going to tell the cops. But the cops ignored me. They were too busy arranging magazines. A bull came charging out of nowhere and demolished the kiosk with a single ram of his horns. The very next moment, my assailant was upon me.

I screamed in anguish - it might have been a moan, I don't know. I turned on my side and suddenly my eyes flew open. I found myself drenched in cold sweat and tangled in sheets. I ran a palm across my cheeks to find them reassuringly smooth. Realizing that it had been only a nightmare, I glanced at the clock which said 7.06 AM. Lying back down, I let it all sink in. I was shaking - physically and mentally.

This nightmare somehow managed to combine some of my fears into one sucker punch - public restroom phobia, anxiety of gender presentation in public, body image issues, the stupid cram school etc.

I now know of another fear that had been lurking in some corner of my subconscious until this morning, when it was brought to the fore by a traumatizing dream.

Getting over a nightmare is easy and I think I almost have... but what happens to those who must live with the knowledge that their worst nightmare has become, in fact, a crippling reality?

Slip inside the eye of your mind...

2009-09-28T10:21:00.002+05:30

Similar words, different sentiments?

"There is no place like home
When you've got no place to go"
- Green Day
(¿Viva La Gloria?)

"How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go?"
- Metallica
(The Unforgiven III)

Or do they hold the same meaning essentially?

Homophobic Trends and Twitter Wars

2009-09-05T18:52:00.009+05:30

Today around 1.00 AM IST, while almost everyone on this side of the Atlantic was asleep, a new twitter trend reared its head. True to my vampire nature, I was up with my friends across the pond (and a couple of European nightowls as well) when we noticed this trending topic and went ballistic: #uknowhowiknowuregay

Tackyness and poor grammar aside, it really was as bad as it sounds. Tweets promoting this trend ranged from silly to truly homophobic. Most such tweets were rife with gay bashing and offensive stereotyping, outrageous regardless of whether the hashtag had initially been intended as a light-hearted joke or not. Some idiot thought it would make a good trending topic and that's how it began.

@thelinster coined a counter-trend to revolt against the ongoing gay bashing: #yaygay. Starting with tweetsbians, it wasn't long before the #yaygay hashtag gained popularity. Retweet upon retweet, people were urged to attach #yaygay to their pro-LGBT tweets. Some were aiming solely to overthrow the trend while some were also trying to educate the perpetuators of #uknowhowiknowuregay by hijacking the offensive hashtags in the process.

Sometime mid-war, a similar hashtag slipped into the trending topics: #uknowhowiknowurgay, without the 'e' in 'ure'.

This was the first Twitter war I participated in. I don't care much about trends but this one hit too close to home not to follow. I was among the handful who ignited the #yaygay rebellion and were involved in it from the start. More and more people kept joining in. 6 hours and gazillions of tweets later the mission was accomplished around 7.00 AM IST and #yaygay became the no. 1 trending topic. In the meanwhile, Twitter had apparently removed #uknowhowiknowuregay and #uknowhowiknowurgay from its homepage due to the controversy it had caused. Exhausted, I fell asleep at half past seven in the morning.

Check out the first few pages of my twitter stream for a glimpse of what went through. For a more statistical, er, trendistical approach go over to Prerna Lal's blog.

A bit silly, I know. But it does attach importance to the power of community in social media. It is amazing how there were less than 10 of us in the beginning but the numbers grew steeply and #yaygay soon became the top trending topic, if only for a while.

Sadly, Twitter also removed the #yaygay trend from its homepage for undisclosed reasons. #twitterfail, anyone?
It's angering that this trend was censored soon after it became the top trend. It was a revolt of sorts against the gay bashing that the Queer community has always been subject to. I'm trying not to go into the whole biased censorship thing here but I do know for a fact that the homophobic trends were up for hours until we decided to do something about it. You can read more on that here.

Because our lives are way too short to waste on hate, let's embrace love and equality for all. #yaygay [link]

A big thank you and a bear hug to each one of the rebels. Good job, soldiers! Yay gay!

Honest Scrap

2009-08-31T23:59:00.004+05:30

Tag, I’m it! Kyle at Butchtastic has named me, along with 9 others, Honest Scrap.

There are three rules for this award:

First, link back to the person who gave you the award: Kyle

Next, I'm supposed to give the award to ten other bloggers but almost everyone I know has already been tagged. So...

I'm tagging:

1. Joey
2. Tina
3. The Unsung Psalm
4. Britni
5. You. Yes, YOU.

10 Honest Things About Myself:

1. Majority of my wardrobe is black, down to the underwear. Lately, I have been wanting to change that. I need more color in my life.

2. Believe it or not, the first record I ever bought was a Ricky Martin CD. I was a tiny boy then, a misguided soul trapped in the entrenchments of MTV India and Channel V. It wasn't until a couple of years later that an enlightened man on the Internet rescued me and introduced me to Satan's music.

3. I believe I have committment issues. One of my best friends sometimes tries to convince me otherwise. Then she turns around and calls me "Shane." Ha?!

4. Extremely addicted to the Internet though I am, I always seem to have a backlog of web related things to get through. Emails, blog posts, forum replies to name a few.

5. The hair on my forearms is longer than the hair on the sides of my head. I might just turn into a wolf any day now.

6. My tear glands are more active than I would like them to be. In other words, I cry easily. But my tears are silent.

7. I have read each book in the Harry Potter series multiple times. The first one over 50 times, decreasing gradually approaching the seventh book (7 times). I can easily quote some parts of the books from memory.

8. I like most of Eminem's music. I even have his poster on my wall but sometimes I want to tear it off, generally when I listen to his blatantly sexist tracks.

9. I sometimes watch porn for laughs. Most of it is fake enough to the point of being amusing.

10. Since we're being completely honest, here's a public confession. I wanted to send thank you notes to those who were involved in sending me the compression vest. I bought cards the same day I received the package but never got around to writing in them. I still really want to send them in but I fear it's too late now.
*hangs head in shame*

Playing God: The Boringly Scandalous Bits

2009-08-31T01:50:00.006+05:30

~~~~~

Listening to: Tiesto feat. Tegan and Sara - Feel It In My Bones

~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the Sims characters came out of the game and took revenge on us players for all that we make them go through.

[Click on any and all to enlarge]

Exploring the neighborhood...

Having apple pancakes for breakfast with roomies...

Making "friends" with cute girls at pool parties...

And later, painting with sapphic overtones.

Is that Kanye West making out with my military hero sim?

What does a punk rocker's first kiss look like?

Snogging the girlfriend after a strenuous
workout session. SO relaxing. ;)

There were more screenshots but I decided not to bore you. I've made my sims do everything from homework to housework to stealing king size beds to rummaging in dustbins to fishing for hours to baking cookies to repairing the WC and... Oh, never mind.

I even created an obnoxious, ugly, green-skinned, purple-haired sim just to kill him off. I gave him the 'hydrophobic' and 'coward' traits, moved him into a lot which had only a swimming pool, made him get in and built walls all around it. He was trapped and terrified and drowned in a few sim hours. Then the Grim Reaper came... Muahahahaha!

Have fun!

P.S. Having done this post, the feeling that I need to get a life has grown stronger than ever.

P.P.S. Yes, I do realize that most of these screencaps involve sims kissing each other. That does not mean it was the only interesting part in The Sims 3 game. Though it does, in a way, indicate the lack of life in my perpetually uneventful existence. One word: Llamas.

Shane and Carmen (and some others) - The Sims 2 Style

2009-08-21T03:09:00.000+05:30

I spent several hours this week playing The Sims 3. Between juggling multiple households in-game and catching up on my favorite sci-fi shows, I found these old Sims 2 screenshots I took in March while I was still new to The Sims franchise.

Some of you might already be familiar with Shane McCutcheon and Carmen de la Pica Morales of The L Word and their doomed love story. They were one of my favorite couples on the show until Mama Chaiken rained down her wrath on her meta-masturbatory opus and decided that the lesbians of this planet didn't need Sharmen anymore.

(Click on pictures to enlarge)

But what cannot be had on TV can be had on a computer, specifically in a game where you play God. Barely two weeks into The Sims 2, I had begun consuming vast amounts of custom content available for free download on the Interwebs. It wasn't long before I had a Shane McHeartbreaker doll sitting in my game and a Carmen Sexbomb to go along.

Being the lothario that Shane is, she had a great time flirting and making out with the local ladies. However, in utter contradiction to the show, she didn't have a long list of conquests yet. It seemed that in my Kingdom, Shane McHeartbreaker was waiting for her Carmen Sexbomb to come along.

[Making out with I don't remember whom. And the reason Shane is wearing that horrid camouflage suit I downloaded is that the original game didn't have anything else butch enough.]

Which she did. And soon.

[Sharmen on a date]

Up sprang the "Wants":

[Shane's Want]

[Carmen's Want]

Making out on the bed before "WooHooing":

[That's a Linkin Park bedspread. Yeah, yeah... I know what you're thinking.]

The morning after:

[I gave her a set of Green Day's "American Idiot" undies, so what? I'm just a geek like that... Playing God, after all.]

And... The following evening:

[Shane - back to her old ways. I think her new date was a colleague she brought home from work.]

That was The Sims 2 and four months ago. The Sims 3 is the rage now. For a look at what this Sim God has been up to lately, check out my next post. Cheers! ^_^

Shor Bazaar's "Savita Bhabhi"

2009-08-20T05:08:00.009+05:30

Around three weeks ago, my friend Kris' band Shor Bazaar (Noise Market) released their first single "Savita Bhabhi" independently. For the foreigners, Savita Bhabhi is an Indian comic porn character. Since in the Indian society anything related to sex is a huge taboo, the government decided to ban the porn site. Shor Bazaar dedicate this single to Savita Bhabhi and to the freedom of expression.

In Kris' own words:

"Personally, I believe Savita Bhabhi.com is a very genuine and creative concept - at least, from the point of view of our society. I see her as person who defied the stereotype of an Indian woman, always bound by restrictions and rules, suffocated of a right to express her feelings and desires.

It is unfortunate that our Government decided to ban the website. I feel that the echoes the discrimination towards sexual minorities. Hence, this song feels like a liberation - a tribute to freedom of expression, the freedom to be yourself."

The song is a humorous, tongue-in-cheek take on the travails of young men with their graphic object of fantasy - Savita Bhabhi. If you understand Hindi, check out the single on the links given below. If you don't, check it out anyway for the music. Cheers! ^_^

- Shor Bazaar Blog: http://bazaarshor.blogspot.com
- GimmeSound.com: http://www.gimmesound.com/ShorBazaar/
- ReverbNation: http://www.reverbnation.com/shorbazaar/
- MySpace: http://myspace.com/bazaarshor/
- MyBand.co.in: http://www.myband.co.in/Shor_Bazaar/
- Chordvine: http://chordvine.com/
- SoundClick: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=927184

Homewards!

2009-08-13T23:53:00.002+05:30

I leave tomorrow morning for home, on a one week vacation. I'll be there till 22 August by which time:

India will have celebrated her 62nd Independence Day.
I will have gone through a thorough medical check up because I haven't been on my best health ever since I returned to the Cram City in April.
I will have frequented the nearest KFC outlet multiple times.
I will have started doing math, seriously.
I will have played The Sims 3 for hours.

In other news, New Delhi is under swine flu scare. My mother, being the nervous little soul that she is, called me up yesterday warning me about it. At one point she suggested that I cancel the trip, which prompted me to give her the well heard one-liner:

"Now, Mom, a million people have died from AIDS yet no one wants to wear a condom. Ten die from swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask?"

This was followed by a flustered pause at her end, punctuated by my chuckles.

Oh, come on now, Mom, we both know that I know more about sex-related things than you do. My asexual behaviour is just a facade I've put up to hide my real nature. :P

It's almost midnight as I type this. I have folded my clothes but they are yet to be packed into the bag. Then there are my binder and boxer briefs which are hanging out to dry. I'll pack them tomorrow.

Speaking of boxers, my Mom doesn't know that I've acquired more than one pair by now. If you remember, she discovered my first pair in March. I wonder what her reaction would be at my latest acquisition from men's underwear section:

Only, it's sans fly this time.

What'd you think the picture would be? A full frontal shot of me wearing them? Ha! ;)

I've been warned that the Internet connection at home is quite unreliable, hence my disappearance off the face of the blogosphere for a while is a possibility.

I've bought a truckload (not really) of chocolates for my sister. Hope she likes them.

Tiredness and fuddle-headedness are a-calling. I'll take your leave here.
Good night!