The Frogs and Their King

Things I Do Instead of Writing the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 01:51:00 +0000

I Burn the Toast that Makes the Smoke Alarm Go Off
I Eat the Burritos that Make my Whole Family Cringe
I Take the Nap that Makes My Head Feel All Fuzzy
I Post the Posts to Facebook that Make Most People Sorry They Friended Me
I Pay the Bills Late that Makes A Finance Charge Show Up on My Account Next Month
I Watch the TV and that Prevents Me From Doing Much of Anything Else
I Underinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires that Makes the Gas Mileage Go Down, and then, Because I Can't Find the Stupid Tire Pressure Gauge, I Overinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires That Makes the Vehicle Difficult to Control In High Speed Situations
I Write the Grocery Lists that I Routinely Forget and Leave on the Counter When I Go to the Store Which Makes Me More Susceptible to Impulse Buys
I Do the Laundry Without Sorting By Colors Which Makes My Underwear Pink
I Eat the Cookies that Were Made For the Kid's Lunches
I Write the Blog Posts that Make People In Greece Regret that They Searched For "Where Are Naked Pictures of Jennifer Connelly", At Least for the 1.6 Seconds They Are On This Blog Page

Fruits That Are More Musical Than Beans

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 00:51:00 +0000

Banana
Raspberry
Kumquat
Clementine
Kiwi
Huckleberry
Gooseberry
Tangerine
Acai
Rock Melon
Pomegranate
Lychee
Ziziphus mauritiana
Raisin
Pineapple
Every other real fruit, including oranges, because beans are freakin' legumes, seed pods, and I don't even consider them fruits

Slummer School: English

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 22:23:00 +0000

They say that 65% of what is learned is lost during summer vacation Well, I don't know who "they" is, but I am a crazy optimist who prefers to look at it as 30% of learning is retained, which, to me, means that, if you give 110%, you will realize that there is no "I" in "team". Although there is a "me". But, anyhow, I still think that, after this incredible pep talk, everyone should be willing to learn a little bit, and, in an effort to declare this blog as a charter school and start collecting Fed moola so that I can improve the facilities to maximize student learning (I mean, how can I have a Phys Ed program without a heated swimming pool and a hot tub for physical therapy? I plan on correcting that around here as soon as I get those charter school funds. And I'm sick of the beans and Hot Pockets they serve in the cafeteria around here- give me some champagne and filet topped with a slice of free government lunch cheese!). With just a little bit further ado, I now commence on my tax-deductible, union-protected job of educating the youfs of the Internets through this fabulous development of my technology based, distance learning Summer Program, or, in other words, typing this damn blog.

And, since 85% of this blog is typed in English, I guess we'll start our Summer Learning program with English.

English

Many people, including myself, may be asking "What are the parts of speech?" In fact, if you are not asking that, it may be because you don't know enough parts of speech to form the sentence "What are the parts of speech?" (Hint: There are twelve parts of speech in that sentence, with two more that are unlockable once you've beaten the first twelve and have the passwords, and one more that can be gained by subscribing to the RSS feed of this blog, plus a secret one that is only given out to members of Congress and the top 1% wage earners in the U.S.). Anyhow, you didn't come here to ask questions- you came here to learn. With that said, let the learning commence.

Parts of Speech

1. Nouns
Definition: Every word you can say or even think about, day and night, along with a few others you can't pronounce and a few you aren't allowed to say and some from other languages.
Examples: This, and this, and this. Oh, and also this.

Purpose: To fill in those uncomfortable gaps in conversation when a date is going poorly.

Friends Describe Nouns As: Arrogant

Rank: 1.75

Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Tom Hanks

Fun Fact: Without nouns, the world would be a much quieter place.

Sample Sentence: Noun goin ta set foot on ma proprety, er else.

2. Verbs
Definition: Everything that gets you in trouble.
Examples: Yelling, fighting, stealing, drinking, smoking, defecating, sleeping during conference calls, coveting, skydiving, flirting with the hot babysitter, being
Purpose: To find ways to get out of work
Friends Describe Verbs As: Tiresome
Rank: 4.379
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson
Fun Fact: When people sleep, only a quarter of the population dreams verbs in color. The rest of human subjects dream verbs that are old black-and-white ones (like "gallivanting", "parlaying", and "frolicking").
Sample Sentence: VERB! Excuse me! I must have eaten too much garlic dip!

3. Adjectives
Definition: Every word that you can't figure out what part of speech it belongs to is, by default, an adjective.
Examples: betelgeuse, pretense, sippy cup, zumba, minke whale, polyamorous
Purpose: To try and sound smart and impress people at a party/job interview/parole hearing/infomercial
Friends Describe Adjectives As: Needy
Rank: 8
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Gwyneth Paltrow
Fun Fact: If you randomly put a string of letters together, or even just beat your head on a keyboard repeatedly, you will most likely create an adjective.
Sample Sentence: T'was brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

4. Adverbs
Definition: This is kinda like a verb, only a lot more.
Examples: YELLING, FIGHTING, STEALING, DRINKING A LOT, SMOKING UNFILTERED, DEFECATING AFTER EATING TACO BELL, COVETING THY NEIGHBOR'S OX, SKYDIVING WITHOUT A PARACHUTE, RUNNING AWAY AND GETTING MARRIED TO THE HOT BABYSITTER LEAVING YOUR KIDS AND WIFE PENNILESS
Purpose: To convince people not to mess with you
Friends Describe Adverbs As: Obnoxiously, hideously, aimlessly stupid
Rank: -7
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Dane Cook
Fun Fact: No one likes adverbs.
Another Fun Fact: Adverbs can be recognized by the tell-tale "lies" they always end with.
Sample Sentence: Did you hear that Shelly caught her husband trying to adverb? SHUT UP WITH YOUR SENSELESS GOSSIP ALREADY!

5. Pronouns
Definition: A professional noun
Examples: doctor, lawyer, long-haul trucker, Lebron James
Purpose: To entertain the other parts of speech
Friends Describe Pronouns As: Way awesome
Rank: 2, 000, 453, 839
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: LeBron James
Fun Fact: The word "teacher" does not count as a pronoun.
Sample Sentence: If that noun could be serious about conditioning, he'd be looking at being recruited as a pronoun.

6. Interjections
Definition: These are words that can only be used by lawyers.
Examples: hereafter, wherefore, unto, insamuch, however
Purpose: To understand the purpose of an interjection requires an advanced degree plus two to four years of intensive training, which is much more time than we have to spend on this blog entry.
Friends Describe Interjections As: Hoity-toity
Rank: 16.8439732
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Helen Mirren
Fun Fact: Interjections are the only words used in both the Magna Carta (which is French for "Big Card")and the Declaration of the Constitution
Sample Sentence: Allow me to interject! P'shaw!

7. Conjunctions
Definition: These are the sounds people make when they forget their lines in a play or while giving a speech.
Examples: uh, um, ah, mmmmm, huh, duh, oh shit
Purpose: To prevent other people from talking even when you don't have anything left to say
Friends Describe Conjunctions As: Liberal
Rank:3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Billy Bob Thornton
Fun Fact: Conjunctions are the only part of speech that Americans enjoy asking what their function is while having no actual idea what their function is.
Sample Sentence: There has been a three-car accident at the conjunction of I-75 and I-80. Take an alternate route!

8. Prepositions
Definition: Words people use to try and trick other people into doing things
Examples: payment, trade, favor, owe, legal action
Purpose: To trick other people into doing things- duh!
Friends Describe Prepositions As: Charming in a creepy way
Rank: Tadpole
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Charlie Sheen
Fun Fact: Many towns in the Southern part of the United States have outlawed the used of prepositions entirely and, if you use one in Arizona, you will immediately be deported to Mexico.
Sample Sentence: I would like to preposition you to come back to my place to drink some beer.

9. Articles
Definition: These are not parts of speech at all, but are a collection of parts of speech that come together to make speech. Articles can be found in such things as magazines, newspapers, and your better-written blogs.
Examples: "Obama May Be Able to Prove U.S. Citizenship", "B.P Decides to Start Sacrificing Puppies and Kitties in an Attempt to Stop Oil Leak", "My Life With Angela Lansbury", "Shocking! Beyonce and Oprah Love Affair!", "Visit to Grandma's House w/ Pix", "Reviews of the Ignorant".
Purpose: To provide a nice number of "Parts of Speech" so that posters in English classrooms are balanced into neat columns rather than being ugly and uneven.
Friends Describe Articles As: Entertaining enough to pass the time in the airport or doctor's office
Rank: B
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: ~~Gary Coleman~~ Verne Troyer
Fun Fact: Articles are not actually parts of speech, but, rather, are adjectives with an inferiority complex.
Sample Sentence: Do not put your fingers in people's armpits because, not only is it unsanitary, but it articles them!

10. Dirty
Definition: Any word that can get you fired for keying it in a Google search box.
Examples: censored, censored, censored, plushie, and censored
Purpose: To entertain middle-school boys; to keep HBO in business
Friends Describe Dirty Words As: ((smirking chuckle))
Rank: 69
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Kendra Wilkinson
Fun Fact: Dirty words are the only parts of speech that are actually fun. The rest are pretty much boring and useless.
Sample Sentence: "Poo-poo, ca-ca," said the mayor, while a hooker in red leather peed in his hair and a teenage girl in Tijuana was traded by her grandma to a group of USC football players for ten bucks and a bottle of Darvocet.

Okay, so now you know all your parts of speech, and, as you sit there trying to figure out what six-figure job you will apply for next, you may ask the question, "But what can I do with this information"? Well, you are not so smart now, huh? You could make trading cards of the parts of speech and trade with your friends. You could teach middle-school English. You could write a blog. You could just sit back and eat Doritos out of the bag. Or you could diagram a sentence.

What, you may ask, is diagramming a sentence? Well, it is a formula for understanding the English language that is so complex, so mind-boggling, so amazingly awesome that I am not going to share it with you. To truly understand it, you must reach the 39th degree of English, which requires such sacrifices as being spanked by drunk men in fezzes and being buried alive in the Mojave Desert. However, I will diagram the following sentence, just to give you an example of what you could obtain if you dare to dream. Watch closely:

First, an ordinary sentence-
I gasped as the heart-stoppingly gorgeous goddess Jennifer Connelly approached me outside the dollar store in order to profess her undying love.

Now, prepare for the mind-blowing. With nothing up my sleeve, and no assistance from the TV cameras, I will now attempt to diagram the above sentence:

Diagram 1

Ooooooh, I conjuncted as I heard the sound of the Internet shift to the left. That may have been too much knowledge for one lesson. I had a 74 page PowerPoint ready to continue discussion of Parts of Speech, but, after that diagramming demonstration, maybe we should all go eat Cheetos, drink Kool-Aid and watch "He-Man" while we wait for our parents to get home.

Class dismissed.

And Now For How I Really Feel...

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:33:00 +0000

Since this is, at least according to the title header, a movie review blog, then I feel I should review a movie. So here goes...

Napoleon Dynamite

Man, I hate that thing. Stupid. Terrible. Sucks. Hate it.

Meanwhile, did I mention that Jennifer Connelly is hot?

Rabbit Season: A Marathon Review of Movies with Rabbits

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 05:56:00 +0000

Okay, so, just as I was preparing to amaze the Internets with another picture of a monkey riding on a donkey, I was reminded that this was a movie review blog, particularly reviewing movies that I haven't seen. Well, it is Easter and all, so, rather than just meeting expectations with a long-winded and uninteresting review of a film I have never seen, I instead decided to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus in a sensible and appropriate manner- by creating a list of movies that have rabbits in them.

A List of Movies that Have Rabbits in Them, In Order:
10. "Night of the Lepus"- I have never seen this movie about killer rabbits but I fully expect that it sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT KILLER RABBITS! Not sharks. Not bears. Not giant ants. Not poltergeists. Not even piranhas. RABBITS! I can think of few things less scary than rabbits. Seriously, I could buy killer manatees. At least they are big and ugly. And unicorns have horns. But rabbits? I can only think of one movie that should have a killer rabbit in it...

9. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"- So you get a killer rabbit and a Trojan Rabbit. What else could you want from one movie, especially if you are a some kind of furry-loving rabbit freak? This actually may be #1, but I just now thought of it, so I'm putting it at #9, and its my blog, so if you want to put it higher, create your own blog and make your own list of rabbit movies.

8. "Donny Darko"- I hate this movie. I can't technically review it here, because I have actually seen it, but I truly, madly, deeply hate it. It is like that guy in high school that thinks he's so funny, and a few other people who hang out in the art room think he is funny, but really he isn't funny, and, when he gets beat up by the football team, everyone has sympathy because they hate the football team, too, but no one is really sorry, because the art-room guy sucks anyway. This movie thinks it is so clever and cute and creative, but really it just sits there, sucking, full of itself. It's like "Juno", only without Jason Bateman and with a guy in a creepy metal-faced rabbit costume. And, because of that, it does belong on a list of movies with rabbits in them. Doesn't stop it from sucking, though.

7. "Watership Down"- I was about 6 or 7 years old when my dear, dear mother, who is also the only dedicated reader of this blog, as well as the author of most of the comments (and, yes, Mom, I DO like to read about your hot sexxy website for sexxy friends to meet), took me to see this film of rabbit death and Art Garfunkel songs and traumatized me into a life of writing useless blog posts. And, of course, we all know that writing blog posts is an act a lot like masturbating, except it is less fun for me and even more hideous for people who accidentally see it (although both cause carpel tunnel). Anyhow, because I was so traumatized and terrorized by this film when I was young, I made sure and showed it to my own children, but I showed it to them when they were half the age I was when I first saw it, so that I could really test the limits of brain development. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yeah, #6...

6. "Harvey"- I think I've seen this once, but, just based on the fact that it has Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic in it puts it at #6, even if I can't remember seeing it. I do remember "Being There" with Peter Sellers- now THAT is a great movie! However, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a rabbit in it, at least not that I remember, so I will leave "Harvey" on this list in its place. If anyone remembers a rabbit in "Being There", though, please leave a comment and I will replace "Harvey" with that. Of course, there is always that other great holiday film starring Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic who ruins his bank, tries to kill himself, and sees angels, and I'm obviously talking about the Christmas classic, "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West". There is nothing like the combination of Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic and a Christian holiday to really bring people together.

5. "Roger and Me"- Remember the part about "Rabbits For Sale- For Pets or Meat" and then the lady kills the rabbit? Thought so. Remember the John Candy comedy "Canadian Bacon" written by Michael Moore? Thought not. Maybe he should have killed rabbits in that one, too.

4. "Space Jam"- Bugs Bunny meets Michael Jordan- how could it lose? Watch and see, my friends, watch and see. I'd rather have an anvil dropped on my head while blowing my feet off with a pair of Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates and listening to Foghorn Leghorn lecture on segregation than see this willful destruction of childhood memories ever again. Afterward, I think I cried harder than I did at any part of "Watership Down". In fact, a falling t ar just short d out th ' ' k y on my k yboard now.

3. "The Rabbit Test"- Okay, I have to admit, the closest I ever came to seeing this movie was once when I was a kid and it showed up on The Movie Channel and my mother made me turn it off. Otherwise, I have no idea what it is about. Since I'm being honest, I just realized that I had three more spaces to fill and only two more movies I could think of with rabbits in them, so I plugged this thing in here because it had "rabbit" in the title. That way, I don't reveal my public school education by skipping straight from #4 to #2. Since I don't really have anything to say about this flick, instead I'm just gonna cut and paste some random text from a Wikipedia article: [The quotes mean I stole this straight from Wikipedia.][The square brackets mean I am doing something unheard of in the realm of the Internets and admitting to theft.]: "When Lionel meets Segoynia's fortune-telling grandmother (played by Roddy McDowall in drag) she intuits that he is the world's first pregnant man. The rest of the film is a series of gags relating to his pregnancy and people's reactions to it. One sideplot has Lionel being pursued by"

Sounds great. I'm sorry my ma made me turn it off.

2. "Bambi"- Psst! Bambi's mom dies! And, unlike Jesus, she doesn't come back! Hope I didn't ruin it for ya!

1. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"- This is the power of light and goodness to "Space Jam"'s eternal sucky animation damnation. I mean, seriously, how could a movie starring a rabbit get any better? Well, yeah, Jennifer Connelly, I know, but you do get Jessica Rabbit, who held the title as Hottest Cartoon Movie Star up until the blue chick from "Avatar" (and she cheated, because she was in 3-D). I have seen this movie nine hunnert and fitty-seven some odd times, and I still laugh at lines like, "Let's shake the weasels". If you do not like this movie, then get out of my blog now. Seriously. Get out and don't come back. We'll wait...still waiting...go on, GET OUT! Hit "Next Blog" up there at the top of the screen and read about someone's kid's birthday party or an analysis of urban planning or whatever. But just get out of this blog and leave those of us who appreciate good rabbit movies alone. Are you gone? Good. Don't come back.

As for the rest of you, can't you see that that was #1? That means the list is done. It's not like it's gonna go to #.5 or #-1 or something. You go on and get out, too. I'm tired of all your neediness. Don't stay here looking for more pictures of monkeys riding donkeys or whatever other sick thing brought you to this blog! As Jesus said on Easter when He rose from the dead and pushed His way out of the tomb, "Let's get this thing rolling! I'm sick of just hanging around!"

[Unfortunately, after typing that last line, the author's computer mysteriously quit working and his Internet service was canceled and his home was foreclosed and he died. R.I.P.- Ed.]

An Apology for The Previous Apology

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:35:00 +0000

To Whom It May Concern:

In the previous post, we actually used the word "cad". We regret the use of this word and will personally insist that it never appear on this website again (well, never again after it appeared at the start of this apology). In addition, we can assure you that the 5 fact-checkers that allowed this word to appear have been fired and have had their legs broken. Rest assured that we will never again permit the word "cad" to appear on this blog, even in the event of an emergency.

Damn. There it is again. Time to fire another 7 fact-checkers. And eat their thyroids.

Sincerely,

Mgmt.

A Correction and Apology to All of Our Valued Readers, and Even to Our Readers That We Don't Care Two Bits About

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:09:00 +0000

Sirs (and various other women who might accidentally find themselves viewing this website):

We regret to inform you that, in the course of a post during the month of December, a quote was incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill. The quote, of course, was the immortal line, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!". As even the lowest performing second-grader (and, here, we're talking about the one who sits in the back of the room, picking his nose and wiping it under the desk while quietly cursing under his breath) knows, this quote was not uttered by the great Winston Churchill, even when sober, but was instead a line from a play by the underachieving writer/philosopher/general cad Franz "Leghorn" Kafka. The correct Winston Churchill quote, and the one that directly applies to the post in question, is, obviously, "I'd rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy." We regret the error and swear on our mother's good name (at least as it stood prior to her New Years Eve solicitation arrest) that incorrect information has never appeared on this blog before or since, so please quit your whining. From this point forward, we will employ at great expense seventeen unemployed newspaper fact checkers to verify the accuracy of every single word that dares to rear its ugly syllables in these hallowed pages. We have learned our lesson and will never use quotes in this blog again. Thank you for your patience and kind and loving comments either written in Russian or directing us to links that will make us devastatingly rich. (If we weren't so hopped up on free Viagra and Xanax, we would definitely take you up on these links.)

In addition, we sincerely apologize to the global community and anyone else with a shred of decency and light for all the other content on this blog, including this very post, with the exception of the words "Jennifer Connelly".

And now, in an effort to make amends for our crimes and omissions, here is a picture of a monkey riding on a donkey:

Sincerly,

Mgmnt & Friends

LOLKomodo Dragonz Will Prevent Suicide or At Least Make You Temporarily Forget How Meaningless and Insignificant Human Existance Really Is!

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:28:00 +0000

So, the economy's in the crapper, no one outside of the government has a job (as evidenced by the number of blogs on the Internets), our houses are worth about a can of tuna and two snack-size Snickers bars, Tiger Woods is probably cheating on his wife as I type this, they are making a third "Transformers" movie, there is still no peace in the Middle East, a white death-filled storm has cryogenically preserved the Midwest and East Coast, we are surely only weeks away from a zombie apocalypse, and our children may have to suffer with only one Xbox 360 this year instead of having one for the living room and one for the bedroom, just to allow us to have a small Christmas goose this year (God Bless Us, Every One). What is there to make us happy? What can urge us onward and upward and keep us going when the going gets dark and the tough get their groove on? Where can a person find something inspirational yet "Safe For Work" lurking around the Internets these days? Who can be our knight in green, scaly armour?

Why, it's LOLKomodo Dragonz to the rescue!

Yes, just looking at the hope and optimism in that image makes me burst with joy*. It just screams that, if LOLKomodo Dragonz can do it, so can I! Thank you, LOLKomodo Dragonz! You're our only hope! (And please remember: the above image is available for licensing to use at corporate retreats, motivational seminars, AA meetings, prison and mental hospital common rooms, church basements, fast food drive-thru windows where the "customer per hour" count is not high enough, retail stockrooms, teacher's lounges, charter schools, pediatrician's offices, military recruitment centers, computer screen-savers and anywhere else that depression, despair, and pitch black wishes for quick and painless death are the norm. Simply contact me to arrange transfer of the significantly large and up-front fee.)

Now, as that famous philosopher Robin Williams once said, "Carpe Dicem!", or "Cut The Fish!"

*and, of course, by "burst with joy", I mean "become very wealthy from royalty and product sales and win the love of the beautiful and talented Jennifer Connelly".

LOLKomodo Dragonz Take Your Mom's Inbox By STORM!

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:14:00 +0000

Thanks to the great response by, well...by absolutely no one to the original LOLKomodo Dragonz, in an effort to keep the momentum building, here is yet another hilarious (and by 'hilarious', I mean grossly photoshopped in a matter of five minutes) LOLKomodo Dragonz making its appearance on the Frog Blog. Just as in the case with the first, this is 100% guaranteed to please every old lady who edits a church bulletin in the U.S. of A., regardless of race, creed, hair color, odor, religious bulletin affiliation, or sexual orientation.
It will literally be only a matter of seconds (possibly nanoseconds) before the publishers swamp this blog with book offers and big checks like they give away at the telethons trying to secure the rights to "LOLKomodo Dragonz- The Bookz", flooding this blog with a deluge of such force and power that the entirety of the Internets may collapse into a black hole of stupid YouTube comments and naked pictures of Tiger Wood's special friends. Enjoy this photo, mouth-breathing web nerds, and prepare to cry when you see me and my Komodo Dragon on the arm of the beautiful and classy Jennifer Connelly at next year's A-komodo-y Awards ceremony.

As the great Winston Churchill once said, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!"

The Newest Rage: LOLKomodoDragonz!

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:45:00 +0000

In a desperate attempt to drive blog traffic to this forsaken and desolate corner of the Internets without actually adding thoughtful and carefully constructed content, I would like to introduce our newest and most original T-shirt friendly source of mirth and hilarity, the LOLKomodoDragonz! Read 'em and laugh, surfing fools:

Great for elementary school classrooms, dorm rooms, and dentist offices, as well as any place else people enjoy laughing at others that can't spell and/or possibly have a learning disability! Publishers, manufacturers of fine gifts, and various media outlets, please leave your contact information and the number that you are willing to pay for the rights to this quality humor, complete with as many zeros as necessary, in the always insightful blog "Comments" section. Nigerian princes and Viagra salesmen need not apply.

If Jennifer Connelly reads this, please laugh and find me funny. Please.

Ignorant Education: The Presidents, Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:39:00 +0000

So it has been brought to my attention that this blog is frequently used by school children to help with homework, write reports, jump to really quickly to cover up surfing porn, etc., etc., etc. But the problem with this is that the content of this website, in addition to being questionable, is primarily lies backed by falsehoods covered by inaccuracies. This would be acceptable if this was a public school, but it is entirely unacceptable for a blog. The Internets has a reputation for truthfulness and honesty. I mean, it's not like just anyone can post on Wikipedia, or that that Czech supermodel you've been chatting with is really a 50 year old lawn service employee in New Jersey with one hand on his keyboard and the other down his pants. No, the Internets is a collection of expertly researched, strategically organized examples of stellar writing and focused research, and here we at the Frog Blog just post crap willy-nilly with no regard for the black eye it may cause the Internets. For this, we sincerely apologize, from the depths of our shriveled, blackened hearts. We also apologize for our cracks about penguins. That wasn't nice, and we have grown since then. However, we do not apologize for cracks about Katherine Heigl. She may have some people fooled into thinking she is hot, but we know the truth. Good skin and blond hair does not mask the fact that she is really a dolphin. Look at those side-of-the-head dolphin eyes. That couldn't be done on porpoise. And, what's up with that last name? Buy a vowel already.

Anyhow, that brings us to the educational portion of this blog. In penitence for our transgressions against honesty and integrity, we have agreed to begin posting educational content between our usual ignorant movie reviews. Seeing as how some people on TV keep blabbing about Presidents for some reason, we figured it would be a good time to start a series of presidential profiles. Starting tonight, we will begin a series of educational, informational fact sheets about all 76 American Presidents (and a few of their wives and girlfriends). So here you go, kids. No need to worry about homework- just cut and paste this junk into Word and print it out and, as the French would say, viola! Instant report! No need to pay that nerdy kid with glasses to write the thing for you (even if you do beat him up after school to get your money back). Just plagiarize this garbage and jump straight to the wedgies and swirlies.

To begin our series of Presidential Fact Sheets, we have chosen some of our most popular presidents, the Big 5 (as we in the industry call them) that appeared on Mt. Rushmore. It is always amazing that people can deny the Hand of God when something as amazing as Mt. Rushmore can appear in the middle of someplace as hellish as South Carolina. Or is it South Korea? Anyhow, only God can make mountains, and only an even bigger God can make them in the shape of American Presidents.

So, in summary, suck it, Japan! You think you are so smart, eh? Well, your president must look like some kind of anteater or a dustbuster, because all you have is Mt. Fuji. Americans, on the other hand, have a huge God who loves our presidents so much He zapped a mountain into place in the shape of their faces. See who's failing to educate their children now, Japan!

George Washington

Jobs: 1st President, Tree Service Supervisor, Teeth Model

Nicknames: Ol' Buckethead, Ol' Creakyknees, Ol' Dragon Breath, His Royal Fartness, D.C., John Adams

Value: $1.25

Favorite Color: Plaid

Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul

Important Accomplishments: Created America, Killed Witches, Named the Mississippi, Licked Alexander Hamilton's Wig, Drank the Delaware River, Hands Out Autographed Dollar Bills to Fans

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna try and erect the Washington Monument?"

Little Known Fact: Also had a wooden leg, a wooden elbow, and a wooden plate in his head

Hidden Talent: Playing the Spoons

Most Likely To: Spit Like a Llama

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Ill-tempered

Current Status: Dead

Thomas Jefferson

Jobs: 3rd or 4th President (One or the other), Dry-cleaner,

Nicknames: Smartass, Qui-Gon Jinn, Father of Our Country (Literally, with the paternity tests to prove it)

Value: $2.05

Favorite Color: Chartreuse
Favorite Book: Who Moved My Cheese?

Important Accomplishments: Bought Louisiana from the French while leaving them with France, Cracked the Liberty Bell and blamed it on that stupid John Hancock, Freed Sally Hemings- to come into his bedroom, that is!, Moved on up

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna see the Declaration of In-ta-my-pants?"

Little Known Fact: Was a notorious bad tipper
Hidden Talent: Macrame

Most Likely To: Hold these truths self-evident

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Really annoying

Current Status: Still living, hiding in Argentina

Benjamin Franklin

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, Electrical Conductor, Snake Cutter

Nicknames: Poor Richard, Poorer Dick, Mr. Funbags, L'oeuff grande
Value: $100.00

Favorite Color: Turkey
Favorite Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Important Accomplishments: Invented lightening, Invented X-ray specs, Invented paper, Invented the car, Invented the day planner, Invented gravy, Walked around Philadelphia talking in a fake accent and creeping people out
Famous Quote: "Dude! That lightening shit is da bomb!"

Little Known Fact: Was not only a member of Hair Club for Men, but was the OWNER
Hidden Talent: Stuffing cats in his pants

Most Likely To: Rupture a hernia and bleed out

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Starring in a remake of "Cannonball Run"

Current Status: Living Dead

John Quincy Adams

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, whichever one Benjamin Franklin wasn't, Dog-trainer, Horse Whisperer, All-about Cad

Nicknames: Quince, Quince-man, Quincerino, the Q, Pruneface, Whizzlehergerberg, Anthony Hopkins
Value: $o
Favorite Color: Heliotrope
Favorite Book: Green Eggs and Ham
Important Accomplishments: Made it through school with the name "Quincy", named the state of Quincetucky after himself (later changed to Kansas), found the creamy filling in Dolly Madison's treats, invented Beanie Babies but didn't keep up the patent, Acted as the country's first medical examiner, Was blinded with science
Famous Quote: "DAD! I WANNA BE PRESIDENT NOOOOOW!!"

Little Known Fact: Was the inspiration for the Terminator cyborg in the Terminator films
Hidden Talent: None

Most Likely To: Be Mistaken for James Monroe

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Trying to sell you insurance

Current Status: Unknown

Abraham Lincoln

Jobs: 15th or 16th President, Real-estate salesman, Pro Basketball Player (Canadian League)

Nicknames: Mr. Mary Todd Lincoln, Pork n' Beans, Long Hat, Honest Abe (until he entered politics), Winkin' Blinkin' Lincoln
Value: $5.01
Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Important Accomplishments: Filled the empty space opposite George Washington above the chalkboard, Was the original moody "Goth", Wrote over 700 songs, including "Moon River", "Indian Love Call", and "Horse With No Name", and ONLY SAVED THE FREAKIN' COUNTRY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF, YOU STUPID FOOL!!! And could eat glass.

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Little Known Fact: Didn't know the Gettysburg Address without looking it up in the phone book
Hidden Talent: Weeping

Most Likely To: Dislike live theater

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Screaming and clawing at the inside of his casket

Current Status: Performing at Disneyland

Questions for Reflection

1. What makes a great president? Why haven't we had any?

2. Which of the current presidential candidates was more likely as a child to have met Abraham Lincoln?

3. What's so bad about Chester Arthur?

4. Did George Washington really sleep here? Discuss.

5. If a new face was added to Mt. Rushmore, should it be another dumb president, or should it be someone way more cool, like an actor or a football player?

6. Seriously, what is up with Benjamin Franklin's eyes?

7. Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in "George Washington" to spell "Who Negates Gringo"? Also "Agree Owning Thongs"? Also "A Greenish Gown Got"? Also"A Estrogen Hog Wing"? What does all this mean?!

8. Name 10 things you could have been doing that could have made America a better place during the time it took you to read this blog. Reread your list and feel guilty about it.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Financial Disaster Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 03:25:00 +0000

Ok, so as banks disintegrate around us like the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi and my house is now valued at approximately two cans of green beans (generic, at that) and fifty-two ketchup packets and people begin to wipe their butts with dollar bills because the toilet paper is worth too much, I began to think about money. Considering that I am rapidly approaching middle-age, it may be too late to begin to think about money, but, since so much of our money is gonna be used to prop up banks that wouldn't have given me and you loans even when they were loaning it out to hobos, I couldn't help to think about it. Plus, the TV told me to think about it. And we should always do what the TV says to do (unless it starts telling you to kill your bail bondsman- some of us had to learn the hard way that even the TV can lie about things like that). Well, it didn't take me too long to think about all the money I had (estimated at $24.17), so then I began to think about other people's money. It was about this time that my wife started screaming, telling me to stop thinking about other people's money and go make some of my own so that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles for the 8th night in a row. Well, you know, it's like I always tell her, priorities, baby. Some of us are doers, some of us are thinkers, and some of us just think about doo. And I put myself squishily in the last category.

Anyhow, seeing all the portfolio decreasing turmoil and asset plunging tumult going on in the financial industry doesn't worry me too much; to be part of the financial industry requires two things I don't have- finances and industry- and I don't have those in spades. Or clubs. Or hearts. So I stand to be less hard hit than some by the Greater Depression that seems to be developing. In fact, I actually owe my bank $57 in NSF fees, so if it goes under, I actually stand to make a profit. (Take that, Mr. Financial Planner! You laughed when I told you my retirement planning consisted of buying scratch-off lottery tickets, but who's laughing now, eh, Mr. MBA-hole?) Which brings me to the biggest box-office bombs of all times. Now, by using both the scientific and the rhythm method, I have come to the academic conclusion that these films bombed because no one saw them. And, when I say no one, I am including myself. Since the mission of this blog is to review films I have never seen and to express opinions about things which I have no knowledge, these cinematic turkeys are perfect for posting. Without further ado-doo, I bring you brief reviews of the Ten Biggest Money Losing Films of All Times That I Have Never Seen Based on Total Loss of Accumulated World-Wide Gross (or, as we in the blog business like to call it, TBMLFoATTIHNSBoTLoAWWG for short).

(And, before I go on, a brief note about sources: I found this on some web site on the Internets. I can't remember the web site now, but, honestly, what do you really care? They all look the same anyhow. And, since it was on the Internets, I know it to be true. Unlike the TV, which sometimes says bad things, the Internets is a haven of truth, honesty, beauty, authenticity, and free Viagra. Oh yeah, and porn.)

Numero 10-o: Windtalkers (Loss of over $76 million)

What is this film about? Who knows? No one saw it! My assumption is that it is a lovely coming of age story about boys who meet in the woods and have farting contests. Kinda like "Stand by Me", only sucky. The only kind of talking I would want to hear with this flick is someone talking me out of seeing it. It looks like Nicolas Cage, who makes such good choices in both career and baby names, starred in it. Maybe someone should ask Nicolas Cage (nicely now...no reason to humiliate the guy) to give back all the money he has been paid for every film he was in after 1992 so that the poor execs at AIG can continue to live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. On second thought, why not just throw the whole bunch of them to the wolves.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Stealing the Ronald McDonald House coin box so you can get a case of Pepsi Maxx on sale at Walmart

Numero Nine-o: The Sound of Thunder (Loss of $77 million)

What the hell is this movie? Has anyone who didn't star in it ever even heard of it? I honestly didn't even think this was a real movie, so I turned to my dedicated research crew (including Lefty and Righty and the IMDB) to even see if it existed. Sure enough, it does. Something about prehistoric times altering the future. To which the only correct response is "Please, Merciful Jesus, make it stop." Sounds way too close to that cinematic turd The Butterfly Effect to me, although, in this case, the effect of the butterfly was definitely financially louder than the sound of thunder. This is not so much a movie as a philosophical puzzle: If The Sound of Thunder is made and nobody is around to see or hear it, does it make a sound? Starring a cast of nobody supported by Sir Ben Kingsley, the other question raised by this film is what in the name of blue-blazing hell did the filmmakers spend over $77 million dollars on? My assumption would be cocaine, because there is no way it went into the movie.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Cashing out your 401K to buy a used Nintendo DS

Numero Eight-o: The Alamo (Loss of over $80 million)

Remember it? No thanks. Jason Patrick stars as David Bowie, Dennis Quaid is Ziggy Stardust, Billy Bob Thornton is Crockett and Patrick Wilson is Tubbs. When it comes to filmed representations of the Alamo, I prefer the one where OJ Simpson runs through the airport. Those commercials were a cut above the rest, just bleeding comedy; in fact, you would never know where they would be headed.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Moving Your Retirement Fund into Enron Stock

Numero Seven-ito: Sahara (Loss of over $84 million)

So I assumed this was the same thing as Ishtar, but, apparently, its not. Starring Matthew McConaughey on the bongos and Penelope Cruz in a tank-top (So it's not Jennifer Connelly, but its a definite positive in a film so negative it makes my savings account look like a good investment), this is a heart-warming nature film, showing the harsh survival of many organisms as well as William H. Macy in the roughest climates of the world. Of course, no matter how distracted the audience may be by Ms. Cruz's tank top, we'll soon realize it is a mirage, an oasis in a sandstorm. This film may also be known for its controversial staged scenes of mass lemming death. Since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths (and, although I am no Marlin Perkins- heck, I'm not even Perkins Pancakes- I also don't think lemmings are native to the desert. Of course, the last time I was in the desert, I was so whacked out on peyote that a group of cacti started singing to me and I married a coyote at a Vegas Wedding chapel, so there may have been lemmings there; I just may have thought they were Cocker Spaniels)...Where was I? Oh, yeah- since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths in mass suicide, the scenes in this film that depict this were later revealed to be staged, nothing more than Matthew McConaughey throwing slippers at the crew.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Putting Your Kid's College Fund on Fay's Bray to Win

Numero- Six-o: Evan Almighty (Loss of over $88 million)

Almighty crappy, alright. This film so angered God that he smite it's box office grosses and issued His 3 Commandments of Bad Films: I. Thou Shalt Not Waste Time on This Garbage, II. Thou Shalt Forgive Morgan Freeman, for he knows not what he hath done, and he was in The Shawshank Redemption not to mention "The Electric Company", so cut him some slack already and III. Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Poop Jokes In A PG-13 Rated Movie. Would I recommend this junk? Noah way.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Adding the Church of Scientology on your joint checking account

Numero Five-o: The 13th Warrior (Loss of over $94 million)

Nope, didn't see the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, or 12th Warrior, how can I be expected to jump right in at #13? Starring Antonio Badass as Anton Chigurh, this film proves its luck by actually making only $13.00 (Antonio took Melanie Griffith for a date at a $6.50 Sunday Matinee). What's it about? 12 warriors find a girl in the woods, then bring her back to their cottage, where an evil queen disguises herself as an old woman and poisons the girl and the warriors with an apple. It's up to the littlest warrior, #13, to kiss all 12 warriors and the girl in order to save them from eternal sleep. The movie was brought to a standstill when Warrior 13 got to Warrior 8 and proceed to sloppily make out with him for the next seventy minutes, totally forgetting Warriors 1-7 as well as the girl. What does it matter? It doesn't. It sucks.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Trading your cramped little Prius for a roomy Hummer

Numero Four-o: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Loss of over $95 million)

Ok, now, don't be ridiculous. This is a family blog, so I can't really go into details on this one. Needless to say, you can order it yourself from On Demand Channel 504 for $11.99, or download it as a double-feature with "A Night In Paris". Pervert.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing in anything Internet related that doesn't have the name "Google" somewhere connected to it (Of course, this blog is hosted on Blogspot, which is a Google company, which means you are sure to become a multi-bazillionaire by sending me money at the email address listed in my profile. Seriously. And pass it on to 10 of your friends to send me money, too. In fact, if you don't, Jesus will come to your house and break your arms.)

Numero Three-o: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Loss of Over $96 million)

With a great title like that, how could it go wrong! Just reading that title makes me want to rent the DVD...so that I can break it in half with my bare hands like a ninja protecting the world from evil. That sound you hear is an American Indian crying for the trash that has been made of Eddie Murphy's career. I'm assuming that the plot synopsis goes something like this: Eddie Murphy plays a cartoon dog who buys a classic car and then has a series of comic misadventures while traveling cross-country, ending in him discovering that family is what is truly important in life. Randy Quaid co-stars as Cousin Eddie. As a sequel to the beloved Christmas classic, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Pluto Nash is running on empty. Anyone who watches this Pluto would have to be Goofy.

My Financial Disaster Rating: EuroDisney!

Numero Duo: Stealth (Loss of over $99 million)

A movie so secret, no one saw it! This pinnacle of puke stars the beauty of Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles (with a decidedly sick attempt at humor as he flies an airplane), No One, and No One Else. It has now become known, through the Freedom of Information Act (Both Acts 1 and 2, as well as the Intermission), that this was not even a movie, but an attempt by the neocons to trick the American public into financing a disastrously expensive, flawed airplane program that, in the end, sent Jaime Foxx's career down in flames somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. Tragically, director Rob Cohen survived to direct Mummy, 1-47, including the most recent film, where Brendan Fraiser is actually older than the Mummy. Bombs away!

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing your life savings in Beanie Babies

And, finally, finally, FINALLY...

Numero Uno: Town & Country (Loss of almost $100 million)

And I told my wife that the leather trim and those alloy-look wheel coversjust weren't worth it, that the Dodge Caravan was just perfectly fine. Oh well, it has to be better than being seen in a Pluto Nash.

My Financial Disaster Rating: A Third Term for George W. Bush

Well, that concludes my reviews of the Top 10 Money Losing Films of all times based on total dollar loss. Now I guess I had better go see what my wife has been screaming about. I mean, how else was I supposed to finish this blog post if I didn't call off work? She really needs to understand what is important in life. It's not like the electric bill is past due or that...what, honey? What? It is past due, and there are guys out back turning it off right now? Oh sh

Comes in, because, the international hearing tries to occupy*

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:32:00 +0000

So I have noticed that our readership has recent decreased from 1 to 0. Even with my limited public education math skills, I know that this is a decrease of 100%, and 100% is quite a lot. In fact, I never thought that my blog would have 100% anything, at least not without cheating off of the blog next to it (and, considering that the blog next to it is 'Hot Asian Cuties', I don't know that cheating off of it is necessarily a good idea- like cheating off of the stoner in the back row who shows up once a quarter just because he got so stoned, he forgot to run when the truant officer came knocking). So, basically, 100% is a lot. So, after consulting with a panel of experts (including such well respected individuals as myself and my dog; my wife was at the grocery store at the time and, therefore, forfeited her vote, as well as any consulting fee), I decided that this 100% drop was not based on the fact that nothing new has been posted here since April, but more so because, despite the best effort of Google to translate this thing, the Frog Blog just doesn't appeal to the international audience. Therefore, in a cheap attempt at attracting more traffic to this dusty space, I will now post this paragraph in numerous languages, a virtual tour of the International Internets, or, as the French would say, "autour de mon épouse". At least, that's what my translating program says is "around the world". With no further ado, I now turn the Frog Blog into the UN of film criticism, where Jennifer Connelly acts as Secretary General and never a star is given.

First, Spanish:

He notado tan que nuestro número total de lectores tiene reciente disminuido a partir de la 1 a 0. Incluso con mis habilidades limitadas de la matemáticas de la enseñanza pública, sé que ésta es una disminución de 100%, y 100% estoy bastante. De hecho, nunca pensé que mi blog tendría 100% cualquier cosa, por lo menos no sin el engaño apagado del blog al lado de él (y, considerando que el blog al lado de él es ' Asiático caliente Cuties' , I don' t sabe que el engaño apagado de él es necesariamente una buena idea como el engaño apagado de la deshuesadora en la fila trasera que aparece una vez un cuarto apenas porque él consiguió así que empedró, él olvidó funcionar cuando vino el oficial del truant golpeando). Así pues, básicamente, 100% está mucho. Así pues, después de consultar con un grupo de expertos (tales incluyendo pozo - individuos respetados como mismo y mi perro; mi esposa estaba en el colmado en ese entonces y, por lo tanto, perdido su voto, así como cualquier honorario asesor), decidía que esta gota del 100% no fue basada en el hecho que nada nuevo se ha fijado aquí desde abril, pero más tan porque, a pesar de el mejor esfuerzo de Google para traducir esta cosa, el blog apenas doesn' de la rana; súplica de t a la audiencia internacional. Por lo tanto, en una tentativa barata en la atracción de más tráfico a este espacio polvoriento, ahora fijaré este párrafo en idiomas numerosas, un viaje virtual de los Internet internacionales, o, como el francés diría, " épouse" de autour de lunes;. O, por lo menos, that' s qué mi programa que traduce dice es " en todo el mundo ". Sin dificultad adicional, ahora doy vuelta al blog de la rana en la O.N.U de las críticas de la película, donde actúa Jennifer Connelly mientras que nunca dan el secretario general y una estrella.

Now, with a few clicks of my mouse, let us invite our French cousins to break baguette with us by translating the above paragraph into French:

J'ai remarqué tellement que notre nombre total de lecteurs a handicapé récent à partir de la 1 à à 0. Même avec mes habilités limitées de de ce qui est mathématiques de l'enseignement public, je sais que celle-ci est une diminution de de 100%, et 100% je suis assez. De fait, je n'ai jamais pensé que mon blog aurait 100% toute chose, au moins non sans la tromperie éteinte du blog à côté de lui (et, en considérant que le blog à côté de lui est ' ; Asiatique il réchauffe Cuties' ; , I don' ; t sait que la tromperie éteinte de de lui est nécessairement une bonne idée comme la tromperie éteinte du dénoyauteur dans la file arrière qui apparaît une fois une place à peine parce qu'il a obtenu ainsi qu'empedró, il a oublié fonctionner quand est venu le fonctionnaire du truant frapper). Par conséquent, principalement, 100% est beaucoup. Par conséquent, après avoir consulté un groupe d'experts (tels en incluant puits - individus respectés comme même et mon chien ; mon conjoint était dans celui comblé dans celui-là alors et, par conséquent, perdu son vote, ainsi que tous honoraires consultatifs), décidaient que cette baisse de de 100% n'a pas été basée le fait qui nage nouveau s'est ici fixé depuis avril, mais plus tellement parce que, malgré le meilleur effort de Google pour traduire cette chose, le blog à peine doesn' ; de la grenouille ; requ7te de t à l'audition internationale. Par conséquent, dans une tentative bon marché dans l'attraction de davantage de trafic à cet espace poussiéreux, je fixerai maintenant ce paragraphe dans des langues nombreuses, un voyage virtuel de l'Internet internationaux, ou, comme le français il dirait, " ; épouse" ; d'autour de lundi ;. OU, au moins, that' ; s ce que mon programme qu'il traduit dit est " ; partout dans le monde " ;. Sans difficulté additionnelle, je donne maintenant retour au blog de la grenouille dans l'O.N.U des critiques du film, où agit Jennifer Connelly tandis que ne donnent jamais le secrétaire général et une étoile.

In the interest of world peace, as well as desperation for blog hits, let us now try Russian:

J' замечено так много что наш полный число читателей имеет недавнюю с ограниченными возможностями персону от 1 с до 0. Даже при мои способности ограничиваемые что математически l' государственное образование, я знаю что это одно уменьшение 100%, и 100% я достаточно. В действительности, I n' всегда подумал что мой блог будет иметь 100% любая вещь, хотя бы не без потухшего очковтирательства блога около его (и, путем рассмотрение что блог около его ' ; Азиат он нагрюет Cuties' ; , I don' ; T знает что потухшее очковтирательство к ему обязательно хорошая идея как потухшее очковтирательство denoyautor в комплекте предшествующих номеров который появляется parce qu' места раз едва ли; он получил qu' таким образом; empedró, он забыл действовать когда пришел государственный служащий от truant, котор нужно поразить). Следовательно, главным образом, 100% много. Следовательно, позже советующ с d' группа; специалисты (такие путем включать наилучшим образом - индивидуалов уважаемых как такие же и моя собака; мое супруг находилось в том заполненном внутри что одно после этого и впоследствии потеряло свой вотум, как все комиссионные за консультацию и совет), решило что это падение 100% n' факт не был основан который плавает новое s' фиксирует здесь с Эйприл, но так много потому что, несмотря на самое лучшее усилие Google перевести эту вещь, блог едва ли doesn' ; лягушка; requ7te t к l' международный слух. Следовательно, в дешевой попытке в l' привлекательность больше движения к этому пылевоздушному космосу, я теперь зафиксирую этот параграф в много языков, фактически рейс l' International интернета, или, как франчуз оно сказал бы, " ; épouse" ; d' вокруг понедельник;. ИЛИ, хотя бы, that' ; S что моя программа qu' оно переводит как " ; везде в мире " ;. Без дополнительного затруднения, я теперь даю для того чтобы возвратить к лягушке блога в l' O.N.U критиков пленки, где Дженнифер Connelly действует пока никогда не давайте генеральный секретарь и звезду.

Now, although they started two (count 'em) World Wars, we can still offer to lift a stein to our German brothers and sisters:

J' beachtet soviel, dass unser komplettes die Zahl Lesern neues mit der begrenzten Möglichkeitperson von 1 s bis 0. sogar mit meinen Fähigkeiten hat, begrenzte das mathematisch von l' Unterrichtswesen, weiß ich, dass diese eine Abnahme um 100% und 100% ich genügend sind. In der Wirklichkeit I n' dachte immer, dass mein [Blog] 100% jede mögliche Sache hat, mindestens nicht ohne ausgestorbenen Betrug [bloga] nahe ihm (und, durch Weise die Prüfung der von [Blog] nahe seinem ' ; Asiatisch es [nagryuet] Cuties' ; , I don' ; T kennt diesen ausgestorbenen Betrug zu ihm obligatorisch eine gute Idee als ausgestorbener Betrug von denoyautor im kompletten Satz der vorhergehenden Zahlen, die er parce von qu' aussieht; der Ort von Zeiten kaum; er erreichte qu' so; empedró, vergaß er, als zu fungieren es Zivilmittel vom Truant ankam, es war, welches notwendige zu schlagen). Infolgedessen 100% hauptsächlich ist es viel. Infolgedessen ist es später als [sovetuyushch] von d' Gruppe; Fachleute (so durch Weise, auf die beste Art einzuschließen - Einzelpersonen respektiert als die selben und mein Hund; mein Ehemann war in dem gefülltes Innere, das eins, nachdem dieses und nachher verloren seiner Abstimmung, als alle Beratungsgebühr), dass dieser Tropfen 100% n' löste; Tatsache basierte nicht, der es neues s' schwimmt; sie regelt hier mit April, aber also ist viel weil, trotz der Bemühung von Google besser, diese Sache kaum zu bringen, [Blog] doesn' ; Frosch; requ7te t bis l' internationales Gerücht. Infolgedessen im preiswerten Versuch in l' Reiz ist mehr, als Bewegung zu diesem staubigen Raum, ich jetzt diesen Punkt in viele Sprachen, wirklich die Reise von l' regelt; International des Internets oder als [franchuz] es würde, " sagen; ; épouse" ; d' ganz um Montag;. ODER mindestens that' ; S dieses mein Programm von qu' es bringt als " ; überall im Welt" ;. Ohne die zusätzliche Schwierigkeit gebe ich jetzt, um zum Frosch von [bloga] in l' zurückzukommen; O.N.U der Kritiker des Filmes, in dem durch Jennifer Connelly Taten bis jetzt nie Generalsekretärstern geben.

And since, I'm sure, very shortly, they will probably own this blog, or at least be producing a knock-off version of it, we, like the Olympics, will face east to our Chinese friends:

J' 著名一样我們的有完全數字讀者新以從1 s的有限的可能性人到0。甚而與我的能力的事實從l'數學上限制了; 我知道教育這些在100%和100% I.附近是充足的減退。在現實中我n' 總是認為我[博克] 100%有每件可能的事，不至少，不用成為的绝種欺騙[bloga]關閉它(和，由方式[博克]關閉的考試它的' ; 亞洲人它[nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T知道這成為绝種欺騙對它必須一個好想法作为denoyautor成為的绝種欺騙在先的數字的完整集的，他qu' parce; 看; 堅硬时期地方; 它到達了qu' 如此; empedró，他，起作用它何時到達了玩忽職守者的民用手段，忘記它是觸擊，必要)。结果100%主要是它。结果從d'比[sovetuyushch];; 小組; 專家(如此由方式包括在最佳的種類-作為同樣和我的狗的個體尊敬; 我的丈夫是由于作為這下落100% n'的所有咨询费被填裝裡面，團結，在和它之後失去了這它的选票之後); 解決; 事實未根據，那它新的s' 游泳; 它調控這裡與4月，但是因而是，因為，儘管googles努力更好，這件事幾乎不帶來， [博克] doesn' ; 青蛙; requ7te t到l' 國際謠言。结果在l'的低廉嘗試; 吸引力比對這個多灰塵的區域的運動現在是更多， I這點入許多語言，真正地旅途l' 調控; 國際互聯網或作为[franchuz]它，一" 說; ; épouse" ; d' 完全地在星期一附近;。或者至少that' ; qu'這個我的節目S; 它帶來作為" ; 到處在Welt" ;。沒有另外的困難我給，現在青蛙[bloga]在l' 返回; 影片的評論家的O.N.U，由詹尼弗・ Connelly行動到現在不要給秘書長星。

And, finally, since it is always good to come back home again, we'll jam that paragraph through one more translation, back to English:

J' Renowned we have the complete digital reader equally newly by from 1 s limited possible person to 0. Even and my ability fact from l' In mathematics limited; I knew that educates these nearby 100% and 100% I. is the sufficient decrease. In reality my n' Always thought that I [Bork] 100% have each possible matter, not at least, does not need into to become extinct deceives [bloga] to close it (and, [Bork] closes by the way takes a test its ' ; Asian it [nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T knew that this becomes becomes extinct the deceit to a good idea become to it as denoyautor becomes extinct the deceit in the first digital complete collection, his qu' parce; Looking at; Hard time place; It arrived at qu' So; empedró, did he, when have an effect it to arrive at the being derelict civil method, forgot that it was strikes, necessity). The result 100% are mainly it. Result from d' Compared to [sovetuyushch]; ; Group; The expert (so including - takes same and my dog's individual respect by the way in the best type; My husband is because takes this whereabouts 100% n' Inside all consultation spend are filled, unity, in has lost this its ballot afterward after it); Solution; The fact has not acted according to, then its new s' Swimming; It regulates here with April, but therefore is, because, although googles is diligently better, this matter does not bring nearly, [Bork] doesn' ; Frog; requ7te t to l' International rumor. Result in l' Inexpensive attempt; The attraction compared to this dust's region's movement now is more, I this enters many languages, truly journey l' Regulation; The internet or takes [franchuz] it, " Saying; ; épouse" ; d' Completely nearby Monday; . Or at least that' ; qu' This my program S; It brings takes " ; Everywhere in Welt" ; . Other difficulty I have not given, now frog [bloga] in l' Returns; Movie critic's O.N.U, moves from Jennifer Connelly to the present do not give secretary the comet.

Ah, if that is not poetry existing in international harmony, I don't know what is. It's a small world after all. I think this goes for once and for all to prove the one universal fact: "Jennifer Connelly" in any language, translates as "amazingly gorgeous".

As I always say, "Tuna whacks over spotted orange meat on [Bork Bork]".

Until we meet again in three months or so, arrivederci!

*The title was originally "The entry in which I attempt to appeal to an international audience" translated into Spanish then French then German then back to English then to Chinese then back to English, quite effectively, I might add, if I may say so myself.

Recipes of the Ignorant

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 04:28:00 +0000

It has been brought to my attention (by a hideously obese person, none-the-less) that many of you are becoming hungry while waiting for a new post to appear on this blog. Fear not, hungry eyes, the Frog Blog will come to your recipe with a variety of quick and easy to prepare (if not to digest) recipes:

Bagel with Mayonnaise

Take one bagel (if you do not have a bagel, a doughnut will work. If you do not have a doughnut, a piece of bread with the corners cut off and a hole punched in the middle will work. If you do not have a piece of bread, God bless you). Take a jar (or a tub, or a squeeze tube, or 3 packets stolen from Subway) of mayonnaise. Squeeze the mayonnaise on the bagel and smear it around. Eat.

This easy and economical recipe has the benefit of looking a little like cream cheese on a bagel, especially if you close your eyes and swallow it fast without chewing. If you want to simulate lox, pick up a couple of feeder goldfish from your local pet store (usually 10 cents or less) and slap them on top of the mayonnaise.

Bagel with Chips

Take one bagel. Spread something sticky on it, such as butter or butter-flavor Crisco or canned cake icing or whatever sticky substance you have available (NOT SOAP!). Take a handful of chips and crunch them up. Sprinkle this on the bagel. Eat.

Try your own combinations and become, as the French say, le gourmet. Corn chips and salsa on a bagel, potato chips and French Onion Dip on a bagel, cereal and maple syrup on a bagel; the combinations are endless. Make a large batch of the best combinations and share with the seniors at the local home.

Bagel with bagel

This is a little slice of delicious I like to call "Bagel on Bagel action". Take one bagel. Open it (CAREFUL! KNIVES MAY HAVE POINTY EDGES!) Take a second bagel. Put it inside the first. Close the bagel. Eat.

If one bagel is good, two bagels are bageltacular!

Bagel with beer

Find a container (plug up the sink if nothing else is available). Set your bagel in the container. Pour as much beer as it takes to cover the bagel. Allow to sit until you can no longer stand it. Eat the bagel, with a fork or a spoon if you want to demonstrate manners. Drink the beer, enjoying the little bits of bagels floating in it.

For this recipe, might I suggest a fine 2007 Old Milwaukee. Dig all the way to the back of the 'fridge and you may find one.

Jennifer Connelly with butter sauce

Locate a picture of Jennifer Connelly on the Internets. Print this picture. Smear butter on the picture. Lick the picture until the ink stains your tongue or you wear a hole in your cheap, Office Max paper. Repeat as necessary.

Soup

Locate a can of soup. Open (This can be trickier than it sounds. You may need to bash it against something if no can opener is available. If necessary, you can punch a hole in the can with a screwdriver and suck the soup out. Firearms should only be used as a last resort or if really bored.) Drink the soup. If it is really thick or you want seconds, drink only half the can of soup, add some water, then resume drinking.

Watch your soup choices. If that girl in the park that you want to impress sees you sucking "Dora the Explorer" noodle soup out of a hole you punched in the side of a soup can, you may not get to first base. Instead, choose something that sounds fancy, like Long Grain Risotto. Likewise, if your parents are coming over, impress them with a nice can of Chunky Vegetable. Don't cheap out with Cream of Mushroom- save this to give to the old people during your annual visit to the local home (and, with no teeth, Cream of Mushroom slides down the throat with minimal gum-slapping).

Cake Mix Milkshake

So, you are more thirsty than hungry? Try this scrumptious sweet treat!

Take one box of cake mix. Pour some water into it. Shake well. Drink, straight from the box if no other container is available. (But be fast! Cardboard leaks.) If it is too thick, get a spoon and pretend like it is an upscale milkshake.

Try other liquid combinations. Milk and chocolate cake mix makes a delicious Oreo shake. Beer and German Chocolate mix is an Oktoberfest tradition. Orange juice and carrot cake mix is a favorite of the Oompa Loompas. And Red Velvet mix and a Bloody Mary is a sinful way to drink a cake mix milkshake like the wealthy.

Bouillabaise a la Sauce Rouille*
*on a bagel

Stew ingredients:3 pounds of at least 3 different kinds of fish fillets, fresh or quick frozen (thaw first)1/2 cup Olive oil1-2 pounds of Oysters, clams, or mussels1 cup cooked shrimp, crab, or lobster meat, or rock lobster tails1 cup thinly sliced onions4 Shallots, thinly sliced OR the white parts of 2 or 3 leeks, thinly sliced2 cloves garlic, crushed1 large tomato, chopped, or 1/2 cup canned tomatoes1 sweet red pepper, chopped4 stalks celery, thinly sliced2-inch slice of fennel or 1 Tbsp teaspoon of fennel seed3 sprigs fresh thyme or 3/4 teaspoon dried thyme1 bay leaf2-3 whole cloves Zest of half an orange1/2 teaspoon powdered saffron2 teaspoons salt1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper1 cup clam juice or fish broth2 Tbps lemon juice 2/3 cup white wine Sliced French bread
1 Heat 1/4 cup of the olive oil in a large (6-qt) saucepan. When it is hot, add onions and shallots (or leeks). Saute for a minute, then add crushed garlic (more or less to taste), and sweet red pepper. Add tomato, celery, and fennel. Stir the vegetables into the oil with a wooden spoon until well coated. Then add another 1/4 cup of olive oil, thyme, bay leaf, cloves and the orange zest. Cook until the onion is soft and golden but not brown.
2 Cut fish fillets into 2-inch pieces. Add the pieces of fish and 2 cups of water to the vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes. Add oysters, clams or mussels (though these may be omitted if desired) and shrimp, crab meat or lobster tails, cut into pieces or left whole.
3 Add saffron, salt, pepper. Add clam juice, lemon juice, and white wine. Bring to a simmer again and cook about 5 minutes longer.
4 At serving time taste and correct the seasoning of the broth, adding a little more salt or pepper if need be, and maybe a touch of lemon juice. Into each soup bowl place a thick slice of crusty French bread, plain or slightly toasted. Spoon the bouillabaisse over the bread. If desired, serve with Sauce Rouille. Serves 6.

To prepare the Sauce Rouille:

1 Tbsp hot fish stock or clam broth.2 cloves peeled garlic1 small red hot pepper1/2 teaspoon salt1/4 cup soft white bread, pulled into bits1/2 cup olive oil
Put hot fish stock or clam broth into the bottom of a blender. Add garlic and red hot pepper, salt and bread. Blend until very smooth. With the blender still running, add olive oil slowly and stop the blending as soon as the oil disappears.
At serving time pass Rouille in a little bowl along with the bouillabaisse. Each serving is about 1/2 a teaspoon that you stir into your soup.

Finally, dump the whole damn mess on a bagel.

Pizza

Call a pizza place. Order a pizza. Wait. When it arrives, pay quick and slam the door to avoid giving the delivery guy a tip. Eat out of the box. If any extra remains, you may later pry it from the box (a little cardboard stuck to the cheese only adds additional fiber) the next morning.

If entertainment is desired while eating, call about 10 other pizza places and have them delivered to the neighbor's house. Watch this out of the peephole while eating your pizza.

Hopefully, these delicious recipes will tide you over while you wait with baited breath (or, if you are eating lox, with bait breath) until I post my next movie post, which is coming soon. And, of course, by soon, I mean within the next six to nine months.

And, if you are still hungry, you may always try this. If you do, May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Thanking the Academy Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 05:24:00 +0000

Well, here we are folks, back for the 1st Annual 2008 Academy Awards ignorant review. I'd like to thank the dancing Snow Whites for that beautiful musical number based on the score for "3:10 to Yuma" (Yuma? Ima. Ima. Uma.). Considering that I have not seen any of the best picture nominees, or any of the nominees for best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress, or best director (not to mention best art direction, best costume design, best foreign language film, or best short live action or animated, or best adapted screenplay), I feel I am particularly ignorant in my comments on the upcoming awards ceremony. (I will mention that I do have a solid pick in sound editing, which would be a film sadly overlooked for best picture, or at least best picture based on a line of toys: "Transformers". Those "whrrrr-rrrr-rrreet!" sounds of the robots changing into GM vehicles make this a shoe-in. If there was a category for best ass-kicking robots, I think we all know what film's name would be in that envelope.) However, I sit down to write this with a heavy heart. This is not only due to the fact that I just ate an entire bowl of Bac-O's covered in blue cheese dressing. It is also because, well, when it comes to these awards, no real person outside of LA or parts of New York, including me, really cares.

Now don't get me wrong, here. I know, I know, ABC has told us again and again that this is the most important thing on television in the month of February, and we should all be grateful that the writer's strike has ended so that we can again hear excruciatingly lame jokes while dozing off to excruciatingly boring acceptance speeches. In fact, if you go to the "Official" website, you can see that you only have to wait 2 days 19:19:54 (...now 52...now 47...) before your dull, grey life is visited by the gold-plated Ken doll of filmatic honor. And I appreciate a great film, which, of course, I define as having one or more of the following: 1) running time of less than 90 minutes, B) explosions, robots, and/or exploding robots, III) Jennifer Connelly, 4th) the ability to transport you and teach you to see something in your own life differently. And there are a lot of great films that have that. Heck, some of the films nominated for an Oscar may even have one or more of these things (although I, shamefully, do not see a "Jennifer" + a "Connelly" listed anywhere. I'm going to assume this is just a result of the writer's strike preventing her name from being written.) So, yeah, run with it and honor them, Hollywood. More power to you.

I also understand the need, in the wet winter month between the Super Bowl and March Madness, to find something to, shall we say, place gentlemanly wagers on. I'm all for gentlemanly wagers. To assist with that, I have provided a comprehensive list of the guaranteed winners in the following post (and, of course, by 'guaranteed' I mean 'not guaranteed'). So wager away, gentleman. Just save a few dollars for March.

No, my ennui, as they would say in "Les Mozart Des Pickpockets", one of the films nominated for Best Live Action Short Film, is based primarily on the self-importance of the whole thing. When it comes down to it, no one really cares about Best Swollen Forehead Visual Effect or Best Costume That Allows Boobs to Be Visible But Still Covered Enough for a PG-13 or even Best Picture. Life goes on. Yet we are told repeatedly by all media that this is equal to the war that I think is still going on in Iraq, even though I haven't seen any news on it for a few months, or the 2008 Presidential Election. We are provided with ballots to make our own picks, bombarded with dresses and "red carpet" critiques, even treated to a second by second countdown via the website (now 2 days, 19:01:35...32...28...) All of this is overkill, and relates very little to the real life of the people in flyover country.

Every quarter, my place of employment calls all employees who haven't called in sick that day down to the cafeteria where a few of our number are called up to the podium and recognized for some accomplishment or other (as in "Best Excuse for Calling in Sick" or "Most Creative Use of the Copier") While these employees don't get to give an acceptance speech (in fact, they usually just look embarrassed and kind of twitchy in their desire to sit back down) and they usually get a $5 coupon to Subway rather than a golden statue and not only does no one care what the other employees wore to work that day ("And here is Thompson from HR, looking stunning in a creative ensemble of a blue shirt and a pair of khakis"), the goal is no different than the goal of the Academy Awards. And, like the Academy Awards, no one really cares who gets recognized anyway. The difference between the Academy Awards and my work's Cafeteria Awards is that no one tries and pretends that the Cafeteria Awards are important. We understand it is just another lame attempt to get through another day without performing so poorly that there is no excuse not to fire us and force the company to try and find someone else who can pass a pee test. Yet we are told the Academy Awards are important, we should listen to the endless, masturbatory congratulations and half-informed political diatribes ("And I'd like to dedicate this statue to the people of Darfur. I understand you may have just had your hands and feet cut off, so here I stand, holding this for you. Stop the madness, world, stop the madness. And stop global warming, too."), we should follow with intense interest who is wearing what and walking with whom down the red carpet, even though there is little separating this awards ceremony and the slightly more greasy one held in the employee cafeteria. The Oscars are the "most important night in show biz". To that I respond as they would in the Best Animated Feature Film Nominee "Ratatouille" with a resounding "Bull-merde".

I'm going to send an email to ABC and let them know that the Cafeteria Awards at my work are usually around 1 pm on the first Thursday of the month, see if they can come out and broadcast it around the world. At the same time, I'll email the E! Network to let them know they may want to be there around 12:55, to catch all the excitement of the employees walking down the black, non-skid mat to find a seat where they are least likely to be seen dozing off. Watch your local listing for that.

Meanwhile, I was going to write an ignorant review for each of the best picture nominees, but I really don't have any interest in any of them any more than anyone has any interest in reading my blog about any of them, so, instead, I'm going to go through each of the top three categories and compare a leading nominee to a real-life equivalent, see who comes out on top. This should be fun. Or, if not fun, it at least should be long.

Race #1: Best Actress

Ellen Page in "Juno" vs Tamika Rollands in "Pregnant Teen"

Ellen Page is the adorable pregnant teen we all love as she struggles with hard decisions, including finding a family who will love and support her unborn child. This quirky comedy is a feel-good slice of life. Tamika Rollands is the despised pregnant teen who was raped at a house party by six of her brother's drug connections, thrown out of the house by her mother, has now dropped out of school, and is supporting herself through prostitution. This dirty tragedy is ended when Tamika is sliced across the face by a knife and left to die behind the swingset of a neighborhood park.

Winner: Ellen Page! Because we all know that the Academy Awards are the most important thing.
Loser: Tamika Rollands! No one likes an irresponsible teen who selfishly burdens the welfare system.

Race #2: Best Actor

George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" vs the town of White Top, WV in "Drinking Carcinogous Plastic"

Playing a corporate lawyer, the ever-charming George Clooney works hard to clean up dirty cases. But, when he realizes he may be playing for the wrong side, he sees how dirty his former corporate friends can be and finds his own life is on the line! This relevant and thought-provoking thriller will leave you on the edge of your seat! Meanwhile, in the dying mountain town of White Top, the only employer is a multi-billion dollar plastic manufacturer who, rather than pay hundreds of millions of dollars to properly dispose of carcinogous waste, is able to increase the bottom line by paying a few million dollar fine to the EPA every year and continue to dump the by-product into the Wanahatchee River, the only source of water for the town. Faced with the choice of destroying the primary source of income by driving the plastics manufacturer out of town (the CEO has already advised the City Council that, if any legal action is taken, the town of Hatchet Springs, about 50 miles north, has agreed to provide a 100 year tax abatement) or continuing to ingest water that has led to a cancer rate 200 times the national average, the town of White Top does the only thing they can do- they die! And their children die! And the executives of the plastics manufacturer drink only bottled water when they tour the plant once a year.

Winner: George Clooney! Because the Academy Awards are the most important night of the year!
Losers: The citizens of White Top, WV! Because they're dead AND soon to be unemployed when the plastics manufacturer moves the plant to Hatchet Springs anyhow. And they're still dead, because the carcinogenic waste stays in the water for 2000 years plus Hatchet Springs is upriver and it will still collect in the White Top reservoir. And no corporate lawyer will take the case anyway because the plaintiffs are both poor and dead.

Race #3: Best Picture

"No Country For Old Men" vs "Dead John Doe" vs "Unnamed Mexican Family"

What a thrilling three-way race! In the grand "No Country For Old Men", the Coens do it again, bringing stylized violence and intense storytelling to this tale of vengeance and danger in the drug traffic along the US-Mexican border. Filled with thrilling performances, stunning scenery, and an intense yet tranquil story, this film is the best Coen Brothers work in years! Dead John Doe is approximately 48 years old and, although his body is so badly decomposed when found lying in a ditch behind a public library that he cannot be identified, police will never learn the truth of his non-thrilling, non-stunning life. Living with a never-diagnosed schizophrenia, "John", or, as his mother called him when he was a boy, Steven DuChamp, started doing drugs when he was 14, selling them when he was 16, and was homeless and addicted by 17. Bouncing in and out of jail, including 2 years in prison for burglary, John ends up beaten and strangled by his own nephew as a result of a missing $20 bill from a drug sale. He's buried in a single grave at the county's expense along with two other unclaimed, unidentified bodies. Finally, Unnamed Mexican Family consists of a father, a mother, and four kids, including an infant of less than 9 months old, who, struggling to escape an oppressive government and non-existent opportunity in their native country, pay almost four months wages to two men who promise to get them to San Corina, California, where there are plenty of jobs picking strawberries for $1.20 an hour. Instead the men lock them in the back of a box truck for almost two days with no food or water during the hottest January on record with daily temperatures of almost 101 degrees. Finally, after two days of living hell, including witnessing the death of their baby, the family is released from the truck, where the father is promptly beaten and robbed and the mother repeatedly raped in front of her children by the men who were supposed to be helping them. The entire family is left in the desert to die, only to be picked up a day later by border patrol and taken back to Mexico, where the father is promptly put in a Mexican jail and never seen again. And the body of the infant is never found and assumed eaten by coyotes.

Winner: "No Country For Old Men"! Stunning cinematography and edgy direction make this a deep and unforgettable classic. Plus, the Academy Awards are the most important thing.

Loser: "John Doe"! How hard is it to get a job? There are plenty of jobs, honestly!

Super-losers: Unnamed Mexican Family! There are right ways to come to the U.S. and wrong ways to come to the U.S. If you play with fire, you are bound to get burned. Or eaten by coyotes.

My Rating: 2008 Academy Awards- 0 Stars for assuming that someone who's home is in foreclosure and scheduled to be auctioned next week cares what Keira Knightley is wearing, or that the 85 year old who has just had her pension cancelled and been forced into a Medicare drug program finds news of the Vanity Fair After-party entertaining.

However, in the Cafeteria Awards, I am proud to report I, myself, am the recipient of a solid paper $5 Subway coupon for "Best Acting at Being Busy While Typing a Blog Posting at Work".

Enjoy the Oscars, really. But just keep in mind that it is not the most important night of the year and most definitely not worth counting down (2 days 17:43:00...58...55). It is really just an expensive employee recognition program.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Valentine's Day Massacree Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 05:26:00 +0000

Ahhhhh, here it is again, Valentine's Day, and the smell of latex and penicillin fills the air. Or maybe that's the smell of landfill being packed with unwanted and unsold cards. Whatever it is, there sure is something stinky in the air today, and, despite a writer's strike that I really hoped would stop the flow of new movies being released, I'm afraid the odor may not, as I first suspected, be again coming from my dog, but instead may be eminating from the local gigantoplex. Considering that Valentine's Day may be your first chance to get in the pants of your significant other since the champagne and horse tranquilizers of New Year's Eve, you don't want to blow it. Or, maybe you do. Whatever your preference, though, you cannot afford to strike out on Valentine's Day by following a well thought out candlelight dinner at White Castle with some celluoid tumor like "Saw XIX". So what's a caring and sensitive individual to do? Why, of course! Click your bookmark for the Frog Blog and read a few uninformed opinions of current date films that I've never seen! Why before you know it, the panties will be flying like a Tom Jones concert in the Victoria's Secret factory! Read on, fellow lovers, to find out what films work like licorice spiked with Spanish Fly and what films to avoid like an oozing herpes sore. In the words of the wise, wise Greek philosopher, Necco, "I'm Yours. Hot Stuff. Be Mine. Kiss Kiss. You're Cool. Sweet Heart. Be True. True Love. I'm Hooked. Hug Me."

(In the spirit of the season, all reviews in this post will include a final "Oyster" rating, indicating how many slurpy mollusks must be consumed to get back in the mood after viewing these filmatic chastity belts- therefore, the higher the Oyster rating, the worse the film is at setting the stage for romance, and the more likely your special someone will spend the night in the restroom, sick from undercooked seafood.)

Definitely, Maybe

Actually, on second thought, maybe not, definitely not. I feel a little bad about picking on this movie, like the time my friend threw books at that younger kid in school (and, of course, by "my friend" I mean me, and, by "younger kid", I mean my sister and by "books", I mean large pieces of concrete, but enough about me). Someone is going to come along and say, "Aw, that film is sweet and sentimental and you are just a bully who has no love in his heart." And, while that all may be true (except the idea that I even have a heart, because, as we have learned, you gotta have one to have an attack), it would be a lot easier to listen to this argument if the movie didn't stink like last years roses. I mean, break it down: Ryan Reynolds has that George W. Bush smirk thing going on, where he always seems right on the verge of cracking up at something that he finds funny, like handicapped people or foreclosure, but the rest of us just aren't priveledged enough to laugh at. That smirk alone would be enough to make me puke up my chocolates. There's Rachel Weisz, who is a way better actress than this kind of crap, plus she can sometimes look hot (although she can sometimes look like she o'd on prednisone, too). Add into this a cute kid with mommy issues and you have a film guaranteed to make your man grow breasts and start lactating and your woman to expect better from you. All in all, no good to come from this. This is a date film that would be best enjoyed blind, and deaf, too, if you can swing it.

Plus, that title! My eyes, my eyes! Obviously, the movie was wrapped without a title when the writer's strike hit, because if anyone wrote this title, they should have their fingers cut off to protect the rest of us. I know it's early in the year, but if this isn't a contender for the "Worst Title" Academy Award, I'll eat this entire blog, as well as the blog that follows (unless it's a Chinese blog selling knock-off Nintendo Wiis, which gives me indigestion).

Oyster Rating: Ten thousand oysters, plus $50

Fool's Gold

Of course, if you decide to take a date to this disaster, I guess we know who the fool is, don't we? I liked this movie better when it was called "The Deep" and starred Jacqueline Bisset, Jacqueline Bisset's boobs, and a wet, white T-shirt. Nothing against Kate Hudson, but she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jacqueline Bisset. Heck, she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jack Black. She may not even have boobs. If you are going to parade an attractive starlett around in a bikini, at least make it a starlett who has had the foresight to buy a set of C's. Kate is really, really cute, but cute in a fluffy bunny kind of way. The last time I dressed a fluffy bunny up in a bikini, I landed in court with an order to stay at least 1000 feet away from the pet shop. And then, Matthew McConaughey- oy, what a mess! At least he was interesting high, playing bongos naked. As a half-naked treasure hunter without a bongo in sight, no thanks.

The plot? Who really cares. There's some treasure hunting, and some "Romancing the Stone" kind of bickering, and whatever. The real point is that you have a sober Matthew McConaughey and a pre-pubescent Kate Hudson trying to make anyone care if they are in love or if they find gold or if it really would have been a better idea to go see "Cloverfield" again. If you really want gold this Valentine's Day, do what I do: take your special someone to the closest mall jewelry store and let him or her look through the windows at all the jewelry you'd by them if they'd quit wasting all your money on crappy movies like "Fool's Gold".

Oyster Rating: One hundred thousand oysters, brought up inside lost treasure chests, plus a box of Russell Stover's deluxe buttercream assortment plus a 14K gold-dipped rose plus $50.

27 Dresses

Ok, already. The film is called "27 Dresses". Is there anyone out there who can, definitely or maybe, tell me they have any interest in this? I'd rather watch my wife try on 27 dresses than watch this movie ("Yes, honey, I really like the blue one, too. No, honey, I don't think the sleeveless one makes your arms look fat. No, honey, I don't think your sister has the same dress..."). I'd rather try on 27 dresses than watch this movie. Plot? Do you really care? Something about being the bridesmaid at 27 weddings and a funeral, and getting free dresses, then using these to try and blackmail your hit TV show into giving you more money. I think Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz made this same movie then, and I didn't want to watch it then, so why would I watch the reheated version staring the incredibly, annoyingly self-important Katherine Heigl? At least Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz come across as having a sense of humor. Katherine Heigl comes across as being a mildly cute chick who thinks she's a majorly cute chick and should be paid more to boot. "Hi, my name is Katherine Heigl and, while I should be licking the feet of Judd Apatow for putting me in his "Knocked Up" flick and actually making anyone want to see anthing I've done, instead I'm going to bad mouth that film as sexist and walk off the set of "Grey's Anatomy" as if I'm the reason anyone watches that show and then all of your little people can bow down to my blonde greatness and if you don't, I'm going to tell my mommy." Oh, shut up. As soon as this crappy film sees a gross of it's budget divided by 27, you can go back to where you belong, making sequels to "Chucky" movies and Hallmark Channel snoozefests. I hope you kept one of those dresses, Katherine Heigl. From here on out, it's off the rack of TJ Maxx for you.

Did I mention James Marsden? Yeah, well, not going to, either.

This isn't a date movie, it's a prune movie. See this with someone you love, especially if you want them to stop loving you. On second thought, if you just want somewhere dark to make out while everyone else is asleep, this may be just the film to see.

Oyster Rating: 27 billion, quadrillion oysters, plus several Roofies, plus $50

The Eye

As in, what you will want to claw out after you watch this. Ok, not really a date movie, but, if anything could get a heterosexual male or a homosexual female in the mood, it would have to be Jessica Alba. But Jessica, what bad agents you must have. That "Fantastic Four" garbage, not once, but twice? That prequel to "Fools Gold" where you run around The Movie Channel for 110 minutes in a bikini? A movie with Dane Cook? With DANE COOK!!!. Help me to understand! You go from "Sin City" to "The Fantastic Four" and Dane Cook movies! And now remakes of Asian horror! I have already discussed at length the perils of remaking Asian horor movies for American audiences. Now, granted, I was discussing Japanese horror, but, like most ignorant American's, Japanese Horror, Chinese Horror, all looks horrible to me. So why, why, WHY are you here, Jessica?! But then, it comes to me, like a love note from that girl who I had a crush on in 10th grade who always wanted to ruin things by turning me into security- "The Eye", starring Jessica Alba. "Idle Hands", starring Jessica Alba. I get it now! You are making body part horror movies! How dare I doubt you, Dark Angel! Next up will be "Gutter Mouth", followed by "The Nose Knows" and "The Ear of Fear" and "Death Feet". You are so wise, you are like the anti-Heigl. Implant anyone's corneas on me and you'll still look good. Even if your film is plural- impaired, I still think you are great.

This movie, on the other hand, sucks. I'd enjoy "The Eye" most with mine closed.

Oyster Rating: 2 oysters, one to poke out each eye, and then another 49 thousand to bury you under, and then $50.

That's it for our date movie round up. I know, I know- all these movies sucked. Sorry. I don't make 'em folks, I don't even watch them- I simply review them. But then, you ask yourself, "Self, what am I supposed to watch to put my date in the Valentine's spirit of, as the French say (at least in Southern France), amore?" Well, Uncle Matt isn't going to let you down there. Here are two suggestions: Number Uno- "Transformers". Not only are they more than meets "The Eye", but what do women love more than fighting robots that transform into fast cars? And what do men love more than women who love fighting robots that transform into fast cars? But maybe your date is older and the hightech "zwwwsh-zwark-zwsss" sound of Transformers transforming might blow out her hearing aids? Then let me move on to Number B- "Career Opportunities". Here is the film where I fell in love with Target, Jennifer Connelly, and Jennifer Connelly's white tank top, all in less than 2 hours. I mean, Valentine's Day is all about dreams coming true, right? What? Well, what is the holiday about dreams coming true? Groundhog Day? Arbor Day? Whatever it is, who doesn't dream, several times a night, about being locked in a Target with Jennifer Connelly in a white tank top. Someday, I know, this dream will come true for me. At least, I hope it's this dream, and not the one where my first grade teacher is naked, making apple brown betty out of my fingertips. And since that's what Valentine's Day is really about, I suggest everyone go watch "Career Opportunities".

In the words of the Roman great philosopher, Brach, "Say What".

Dog Reviews, Part II: Tale of the Dog: Basic Instinct 2

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:57:00 +0000

Wow. Is it tomorrow already? I must have overslept.

So, since the first edition of "Dog Reviews" was so popular (and, by popular, I mean completed and posted on the blog), I foolishly decided to attempt a second version. "Dog Reviews", of course, for those new to the blog or those who just stopped by for naked pictures of Jennifer Connelly, is my attempt at interspecies film criticism, or bestireviewality, by forcing my ADHD suffering Jack Russell to watch a film and scientifically noting with a sharpie on the palm of my hand his reactions (this is the way that scientists always note things, of course). The last time, of course, was a disaster, leading to all kinds of body functions and boardline cruelity. Being a rational and intelligent human, of course, I decided to try again.

Last time, I attempted to force the dog to sit through multiple reviews, which led to serious resentment on his part and a post so long and rambling that NO ONE wanted to read the thing, not even my mom (ESPECIALLY not my mom). This time, I figured I'd just try one film, and, in an attempt to gain his interest, I chose "Basic Instinct 2: Basicker Instinct", or something like that. Why this sequel to the muff-flashing, gay-baiting, ice-picking, soft-focus classic? First, my dog has always been a fan of Sharon Stone's breasts, even the old, dry-roasted Sharon Stone (who, I must agree, actually looks really good for a 1000 year old soul eating mummy). Deux, as they say in France, dog's are all about instincts, some good (like attacking the mailman trying to violate the sanctity of my home), some bad (like humping my face while I sleep...with my mouth open!), and some basic (eating, drinking, breathing). C, "Basic Instinct 2" is subtitled "Risk Addiction", and I just now diagnosed my dog with a risk addiction. What else could explain the desire to eat Christmas tree bulbs, or to jump out of 2nd story windows, or to crawl under the couch when even my wife is too afraid to clean under there, or to eat the chicken nugget one of the kids dropped in the back of the van in 2002. Gotta be risk addiction. So this film would appear to be the perfect flick to watch with my dog.

Wrong.

I had forced the dog to sit by my in front of the TV and was in the process of getting the DVD out of the slightly sticky case when I began to smell something incredibly bad, incredibly ass-like. Believing this scent not to be of human origin, I shot an accusatory glance at my dog, who verified my assumption by making his eyes real big and flattening his ears against his head in a manner to indicate his disatisfaction with his life at that point. "You stink," I said. In his shame, he didn't answer, only looked away. I began again to prepare for our fully scientific dog review session.

And, yet again, I am hit with the overwhelming smell of ass.

Now, there are several areas of a dog capable of stink. First would be the mouth. My dog's teeth are brushed once a year and, considering the vet only charges me $6 for this (compared to the $90 twice a year the dentist would ask if I ever went there), I question the quality of this cleaning. Not only that, but my dog is not particularly picky about what he puts in his mouth. Dirt, plants, shoes, mail, chairs, poop, dead squirrels, live squirrels, coins, leaves, grass, the side of the fence, my wife's toes, and dog food- it's all the same to him. So the mouth is a definite possibility. Of course, there are also his feet. Dogs have the mysterious power, not yet explained despite several government grants to do so, to make their feet smell like Fritos corn chips, and not a good kind of Fritos corn chips, either. There are his ears- he seems to enjoy scratching his ears with his Frito smelling feet, then smelling and licking his feet when he's done. Considering that he also enjoys smelling and licking dead birds and dirty underwear, I can't figure he's getting perfume out of there.

I immediately picked him up to attempt to locate the source of the ass-smell eminating from him and rapidly filling the room, desperate to stop the foul gas before losing conciousness. I attempted to smell his mouth, only to have him lick my nostrils and attempt to lick my lips, driving me back. I grabbed a foot and smelled that- Fritos (and not the good kind- the store brand that's been sitting on the shelf too long), but not ass. I thought about smelling his ears, but it seemed both repulsive and slightly illegal. So, if it wasn't his mouth, his feet, or his ears, what could it be? What part of my dog was I forgetting that could be filling the room with a horrible, ass-like smell and-

Oh.

Outside he went, where he promptly ran around the yard barking at all four corners to make sure it was secure enough to poop in. I gave him a few minutes then attempted to call him back in to complete "Dog Reviews, Part II", but he simply stared at me like I was nuts then began to run around the yard barking again. Dejected, I returned to my still slightly rank smelling room, but I couldn't bring myself at this point to watch Sharon's stones flopping around in a hot tub, no matter how well preserved. Then I realized the 10 minutes attempting to obtain a new "Dog Review" was not a waste. It was a true scientific experiment!

Hypothesis

Based on the principles of Pavlov's classical conditioning, behaviors can be reduced by producing a negative stimulus at the time of the behavior.

Procedures
The behavior to be observed will be the universal male desire to look at breasts. This will be accomplished via the use of a DVD player and a rented copy of "Basic Instinct 2: Electric HooHoos". The negative stimulus, introduced at a variable interval time-frame, will be canine flatulence, produced naturally by a sheepish looking Jack Russell terrier.

Observation

After several doses of large and powerful quantities of the canine flatulence, combined with the added negative stimulus of Frito-feet, the subject initially attempts to locate the source of the invisible mystery odor. Dejected and slightly ill-feeling, the subject removes the offensive Jack Russell to an outdoor location, where the odor can be dissapated and the cause, uh, well, eliminated. Subject, now in a state of disorientation, returns to the room, initially attempts to begin the film and satisfy the visual-breast desire (as first identified by Dr. H. Hefner et. al., 1953, Mammary Glands and Effects on Periodical Sales in the United States), however finds he cannot continue. Subject now reports smelling dog bowels, even when no dog is present, when exposed images of Sharon Stone.

Conclusion

The phenomenom identified in classical conditioning seems at work here: the Subject initally wanted to see breasts, even to the point of exposing himself to a possibly brain-damagingly bad film, and even if belonging to an evil countess who must bathe in the blood of virgins just to maintain a career. However, after several doses of dog flatulence, the Subject loses all desire to look at breasts and instead returns the film unwatched and eats a sandwich. The effect, however, seems to be short-lasting and tied to the behavior present at the time of the aversive stimulus introduction- Subject was later observed Googling "naked Jennifer Connelly" on the home personal computer only 3 hours after the commencement of the experiment. Additional study is warrented.

In conclusion, it appears canine flatulence is, of all the foul smells that a canine has the potential to excrete from their body, one that is very effective for the short-term modification of behavior. It also appears that "Basic Instinct 2: The Vaginer Strikes Back" sucks.

Here is a non-scratch and sniff picture of my dog looking cute with a piece of wrapping paper hanging out of his mouth in an attempt to remove the lingering odor of the previous blog post

Ruining the Curve

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 05:41:00 +0000

It has come to my deficited attention that "certain members" of the vast blogosphere are "ruining" things for "others", so much so that "they" and "their" "actions" must be surrounded by "quotation marks". These virtual virtuosos feel that they must show us all up by posting to their blogs, and posting frequently (and, by frequently, of course, I mean more often than since November 22, which has been proven by scientists to be the optimal last time to have posted on a blog). Well, listen here, two-post wonders, there are some of us with true courage out here, some of us who refuse to be trapped by the wicked World Wide Web you weave. In fact, there are some of us who have the courage to not only not post on our blogs, but NEVER post on our blogs! There are some of us who have the guts that, when we do post, once every two months, two weeks, and two days, we don't even post anything of substance, anything that even relates to the already tenuous theme of our blog! Some of us are true innovators by allowing our blogs to wither like a raisin in the sun, or possibly explode! Some of us with the cajones, as the French say (at least in the parts of France that border Mexico), to simply toss a bunch of words together and try and pass THAT ranting mess off as a true blog post that ANYONE (even the post-er's own mother)(especially the post-er's own mother) would not want to read, and would definitely skip over if they accidentally happened upon it. These are the true mavericks! So if you think you can ruin it for us all by posting both frequently and often to your own sorry excuse for a blog, you are wrong! The rest of us out there have to take the time to try and look at every piece of porn available until we hit the end of the Internets.The rest of us out there have to spend a few hours shaking their keyboard, trying to get the spilled coffee to drain out of it. The rest of us are too busy contemplating the hotness of Jennifer Connolly on the beach while we check out grainy vidcaps from that filmatic classic, "The Hot Spot". The rest of us out there have to watch some of the over 276 hours of "Martha Stewart" on the DVR (and by 'the rest of us', of course, I don't mean me. Not that there is anything wrong with recording 276 hours of 'Martha Stewart'. I mean, you're the one that has a problem with it. Not me. I didn't say anything. Not that I did it. Or, I mean, not that I would do it. Maybe a few hours, but not that many. And, so what if I did? I didn't, but so what if I did? So, whatever, there's nothing wrong with doing that, and you can take the accusations of your closed mind to some talk radio blog, fool.)

The rest of us are truly committed, truly dedicated to NOT ever post ANYTHING for months at a time, and NOT ONLY WILL NO ONE NOTICE, BUT NO ONE WILL EVEN CARE!!!! THE INTERNETS WILL ALL CONTINUE WITH OUR BLOG JUST SITTING, GATHERING CYBERDUST UNDERNEATH THE OLD PETS.COM AND PEAPOD PAGES AND NO ONE IN THE WORLD WILL MISS IT IN ANY WAY!!!! It is these lazy bloggers that are the true heroes, over-achievers. I'd like to call these people the Weakest Generation, primarily because they not only have not saved the world, but they are actually too lazy to even lift their fingers and type a movie review of a film they haven't seen. These are the true visionaries. And I'd like to count myself among them, by proudly not posting on my blog.

Well, until now, with this post.

Uh, guess I blew that one.

Oh well, tune in tomorrow when I tackle a truly interesting and universal topic and reflect on why my dog smells like ass.

Struggles for Economic Equality- Bolivia, A Sleeping Giant

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 00:44:00 +0000

It seems appropriate, following a holiday in America based primarily on consumption, especially in light of the focus on the use of fowl as the meat source on the American table, which, in giving life, can feed only a limited number of people (the average turkey provides enough meat for six to twenty Americans, while a cow could easily feed 40 people or more, or, possibly, in many developing countries, an entire village), to continue our discussion of South American economies. Today, we turn to a pivotal country for the American economy- Bolivia.

Bolivia currently struggles with an often single commodity based economic model, making it susceptible to advances from some of its Socialist neighbors. During its history, Bolivia's economy has focused on products such as tin, silver, and cocoa, with rare periods of economic diversification and an often inconsistent supply of labor. The primary focus of Bolivia's economy is agricultural, including sectors focusing on forestry or fishing. With a 2005 GDP of approximately 25 billion, recent economic development of Bolivia has been stymied both by increased government privatization and general economic downturn, especially in the dollar. Yet the potential for great leaps in economic equity for the people of Bolivia can be found in the large reserves of oil available. Currently primarily trading with its South American neighbors (Bolivia's biggest trade export partner are Brazil and Argentina, with the U.S. accounting for only approximately 13.8% of the total trade in 2005), the vast potential for trade and increased purchasing power will come from increased access to the hydrocarbon reserves. Without this increase in income, though, many Western companies avoid Bolivia, and continue to limit development, and lead to rampant and devastating inflation. Even in the areas of tourism, which add vast and desperately needed income to other areas of South America, Bolivia falls behind, with 2000 numbers at just over 300,000 visitors per year, a number that represents a decline-

What? Movie blog? I'm not posting to my OWN blog? I'm posting to a movie blog? I'm signed into the wrong blog? Ah, no, not again! I thought this was MY blog, "Economies of Latin and South America"!

Shit. Sorry. Uh, well, uh, "Cannonball Run"- great flick. Go see it. Or rent it or whatever. And lets all hope that Lindsay Lohan gets control of her life.

Sorry. Bye.

Reviews of the Ignorant: T12MLTMTIHNSNPOSOEIWGMOEOWRC

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:12:00 +0000

Sadly, many films have been released since I last set foot in the hallowed virtual halls of the Frog Blog. Now, I was going to start off with a long and thrilling story of where I have been since my last post (and believe you me, it involves plenty of pirate action, two elephants, a cursed crystal skull, Victoria Secret models, home made pickles, and the true and pure immortal love of a boy for Jennifer Connelly)(Okay, I made all that up; it actually involved a pit and putting the lotion on my skin or else I got the hose again), but I figured this is a film review blog, specifically reviewing films I have never seen, and this type of side note would only drive away my fan. Who is my mom. Who has been driven away anyhow by my total and utter disrespect for writing new posts. As the French would say, "Que merde".

So, anyhow, since many films have been released since my last post, and since it doesn't look like the Writer's Guild strike is going to help stop this any time soon, I figured I'd save my excuses as to where I've been for a different blog, one that exists solely to provide a forum for where I've been. This, however, is a film review blog, and I am now going to try and catch up on a few of the films that have been shat out on us by Hollywood in the last few months. These will not, of course, be my usual incredibly witty and amazingly insightful reviews all my faithful readers (meaning my mom) have come to know and love. These are just gonna be hastily and poorly written filler in order to slap a post up for the first time in months. Wait. Who said that. What I meant to say was, these will be quick and easily consumed review-bites built for convenience in order for the community of the Internets to know what I haven't been seeing the past few months and what they may want to avoid. That are poorly written.

So, to do no further ado, I bring you, in order of stench, the Top 12 Movies of the Last Two Months That I Have Not Seen and Never Plan On Seeing Or Else I Would Gouge My Own Eyes Out With a Rusty Crowbar, or, as it is known in the Industry, "T12MLTMTIHNSNPOSOEIWGMOEOWRC":

(Please note- in an effort to remain culturally sensitive, as well as attract new readers to the Frog Blog, I have considerately written the numbers of this list in Spanish for all of our housekeeper and landscaping friends from South of the Border, and also from Mexico)

T12MLTMTIHNSNPOSOEIWGMOEOWRC

Numero 12-o:

The Game Plan

I've got a game plan for this piece of junk, and it's not to see it. There's Rock Cold Dwayne Johnson, former king of the scorpions (not, of course to be confused with the king of the frogs), playing football with little girls. In the preview, the little girl must slip him some horse tranquilizers or shoot him with Novocaine or something, 'cause there's a sequence where he's slurring his words, flapping his lips around, and smiling for no reason. The little girl also wears a really big football helmet, which I assume is supposed to be cute, but most likely is to prevent her from hurting herself when she realized the film her agent got her into. And if you've seen this film, you most likely also wore a football helmet to the theater to keep from hurting yourself, while your arms were strapped behind you and you were tied to a board and volunteers from a church fed you soup. This thing was apparently some kind of money making hit, which I attribute to one of two factors: 1) The End of Days or 2) Moms hoping to catch a peek of the outline of Johnson's johnson in his tight football pants. But it doesn't take a genius to see the filmatic equivalent of getting poked in the eye with a johnson, and this garbage would be it. Not that I know what it feels like to get poked in the eye with a johnson. Never happened. Really. Just maybe on accident, like when I fell on my knees in front of a naked man. And that could happen to anyone. Otherwise, there's no proof. Other than pictures.

My Rating: Tie Score, 0 Stars to 0 Stars

Numero Eleven-o:

Love in the Time of Cholera

Okay, I admit it. I have no idea what this film is, what it's about, who it stars, or anything else about it. I would just never see it based on the name. Yuck. I'm sure it's great, and it's based on a classic book, and it's amazing and blah blah blah. But I'm willing to bet it has subtitles, and, if I wanted to read, I would have learned how. In fact, if God intended us to read, He wouldn't have made "The Ten Commandments" into a movie. So I'm not buying any of that. Plus, it has FREAKING CHOLERA in the title! Way to attract a wide audience, title-writing guy- I can't wait for the sequels- "Romance Around the Ringworm" or "Betrothed with the Bubonic Plague" or "Sex with Scabies, Shingles and Scarlet Fever". No, thank you very much. I will be treating this movie as I would anything with cholera- by staying the hell away. And burning everything it touches, even my favorite stuffed rabbit. (This review would be even more meaningful if I actually knew what cholera was- isn't it what sailors get when they don't eat enough oranges? Or is that Epstein Barr's? Excuse me! I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV.)

My Rating: A Fate Worse Than Death

Numero Ten-o:

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Speaking of titles, here's one you can just hear some Hollywood executive brainstorming session coming up with after an hour and a half lunch, then ordering a script written to the title. "Great title! Now get me a movie with it!" Only it's not a great title; it makes me feel slightly damp and dirty just to say it. And, speaking of damp and dirty, the always beautiful Natalie Portman is in this flick, looking like a 14 year old boy. Suddenly, I'm horribly confused- I mean, come on, it's the beautiful Padme Amidala herself! Who was beautiful even in clown make-up in "The Phantom Menace". Who proved bald is beautiful in "V for Vendetta". Who destroyed many a server by having a body double show her butt in "Goya's Ghosts". And now, here she is, looking like a 14 year old boy! What if I went to this film, saw her, and started to be attracted? What sort of monster would that make me? I could just see the guy from "Dateline" jumping out from behind the screen saying, "Aha! We know you didn't buy a ticket for this mess, wearing nothing but whipped cream, just to see Dustin Hoffman do a Rip Taylor impression!" No, that's a chance I just can't take. And, if that isn't reason enough to avoid this film like the cholera, let me repeat: Dustin Hoffman does a Rip Taylor impression. 'Nuff said.

My Rating: None-der Stardorium (but Much Boredium)

Numero Nine-o:

Across the Universe

Do the math: The Beatles- The Beatles + the chick that choreographed "The Lion King" + a bunch of people you've never heard of dancing around = Suck. There. It's a mathematical fact. So you know it's true. I'd rather get hit with Maxwell's Silver Hammer than come within 10 feet of this beast. I mean, help, it's a long and winding road from my life to a day in the life of a paperback writer, but because in the end here there and everywhere every body's got something to hide except for me and my monkey, this bird has flown. All together now, LET IT BE! Leave the poor Beatles where they should be, in my Dad's record collection and Nike commercials. Don't drag them out every couple of months to be "reinterpreted", no matter how much Yoko and Paul want the Beatles for Sale. I mean, they were bigger than Jesus, you'd think they'd command a little respect. I'd rather see "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" as Barry Gibb's date than watch this mess. It'd take Dr. Robert's whole medicine cabinet for me to get through it. Next time, create a film around the back catalog of Wings. Goo-goo-ka-joob.

My Rating: The Word is 0 Stars

Numero Eight-o:

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Okay, who asked for this? Seriously. Who asked for it? Who did it? 'Cause you owe us all an apology. First of all, I can't expect ANYONE except maybe Geoffrey Rush's accountant asked for this. Second of all, there are some movies that just should not have a sequel. It's like watching "A Passage to India II: Electric Boogaloo". Or "Remains of the Day 2- The Next Morning". And I saw some Cate Blanchett interviews where she tried to pass this off as an action movie. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's got this confused with the next "Indiana Jones" film. However, as a public service, I'm going to expose the true facts about this thing. It is not an action movie; it is historical fiction, like the books your grandma buys from the library discard shelf for 25 cents that have Fabio dragging some woman around by the bodice. Again, just to clarify. "Lethal Weapon"- Action Movie. "The French Connection"- Action Movie. "Die Hard"- Action Movie. "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"- Grandma at the library complaining that they only used to charge 10 cents for the discarded paperbacks. The other thing that needs to be widely known is that, unlike film critics, we, the people, are not suckered into believing that, just because a film has people talking in English accents, it is a great film. Exhibit A: Mr. Bean. Although I'd rather watch Mr. Bean get his head caught in a subway door a thousand, billion times than watch a second and a half of "Elizabeth: The Golden Age". I'd rather get my OWN head caught in a subway door than watch "Elizabeth: The Golden Age". At least then, if I had to get a headache, I might also get a free subway ride out of it.

My Rating: Ye Olde Royale 0 Stars

Numero Seven-o:

I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With

This is a real movie. No kidding. No idea what it is about, but it is a real movie somewhere that someone managed to raise the cash to film while genocide was taking place in Darfur. I hope, at least, that the crew got decent craft services out of it. I'm sorry, now, though, that I even bothered to type it here. We must never speak of this again.

My Rating: I SAID WE MUST NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN!

Numero Six-o:

Fred Claus

Remember when Vince Vaughn was good? I mean, yeah, there was that "Jurassic Park 2" disaster, but we all gotta get paid. You couldn't blame the guy for that. But lately, man... I always have kinda a crush on Jennifer Anniston; she has the correct "Jennifer" surname, and she's cute and all (although not Jennifer Connelly league, now, let's not be ridiculous), but she sure seems a little on the weird side, and she somehow must have done something to poor Vince to damage his brain. Vince, look, wake up! You're turning into Tim Allen here! If someone reads this somewhere, although it is seriously in doubt that anyone will read it anywhere, but, if you do, please consider an intervention for poor Vince Vaughn before he finds himself starring in a CW sitcom with Shelley Long. Vince- I love you, man (but strictly in a heterosexual, platonic way, not in a johnson-in-the-eye way, even though that can accidentally happen to anyone, especially if the ball gag you have in your mouth makes it hard to breathe). Come back to the light.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, "Fred Claus". Sucks. I'd rather get a lump of coal. At least I can maybe figure how to run my car on that. Merry Christmas.

My Rating: H0 h0 h0 stars

Numero Hawaii Five-o:

Alvin and the Chipmunks

How in the name of a merciful and just Creator was this abomination greenlit? Now, I hear you, "Matt, you said you were reviewing films you haven't seen in the last two months, not films you haven't seen in the next month that's no fair you need to stick to what you said especially since you abandoned us for so long you stupid dickweed." And you'd have a valid point. Except for the fact that THIS IS MY BLOG SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT ON IT. Get your own blog, nutcase. Quit worrying about me so much and clean up your own backyard.

Anyhow, one day, I was sitting around thinking to myself, and I said, "Self, you know what would be great? A CG film based on a limited animation series that pretty much sucked anyhow taken from a novelty record that is so annoying it could make your ears bleed. And you know what would really make it great? If it had, as a lead, the once so hilarious and profane Jason Lee further whored himself into pointlessness." The only way I'd watch this pile of rodent droppings is if the print was mixed up during delivery with the titular Jennifer Connelly crime classic, "The Hot Spot" and the theater was showing that instead. No amount of vaccination could get me to the theater to watch spooky, dough-like anamorphic chipmunks. I think they cause cholera anyway. The fact that this movie is being released seriously distresses my soul with little, squeaky claws and ear-piercing voices.

My Rating: Three squeaky, grating, CG 0 Stars, plus an extra 0 Stars for Jason Lee driving a Saville over all my great Kevin Smith memories

Numero Four-o:

The Jane Austin Book Club

There are two clues to the amount of coma inducing, penis amputating power this movie contains and, in alphabetical order, here they are: "Book Club" and "Jane Austin". (Shiver). Okay, let me repeat that, for dramatic impact, this time in reverse alphabetical order: "Jane Austin" and "Book Club". (Shiver. Shiver). I feel sick.

What is this movie about? Well, I'm assuming it's about a bunch of nasal woman sitting around whining about Jane Austin books. If there could be a worse title that didn't contain "cholera", I don't know what it is. At least the word "cholera" promises painful death. This thing promises Jane Austin and Book Clubs, which makes me wish for painful death. If someone ripped my eyeballs from their sockets, carried them into the theater where this was playing, set them on the seat directed towards the screen, I expect that my eyeballs would rapidly evolve, growing legs and little feet (and, maybe eye-teeth) and run, tears falling from them, from the theater, where they would head to the nearest optometrist and beg for Visine to stop the burning. And that can really happen. I know because, in addition to being a blogger, I am also a scientist. Or I play one on TV.

And Jimmy Smits is still alive? Who knew? I thought he fell down an elevator shaft on "LA Law" or something. Poor guy. I hope he took this job to impress a chick.

My Rating: 0 Penises

Numero trio:

Saw IV

So a regular '4' ain't good enough for ya, eh, "Saw"? Or maybe, based on the number of needles and medical treatments used in this series, it's "Saw IV", as in intravenous. Whatever, the only sound I hear is the sound of sucking from the empty IV bag. The little puppet head "Saw" dude died, right, so how'd he come back? I mean, sure, if I told the studios that they'd make $81 million dollars by reanimating the corpse of Abraham Lincoln, they'd have his body laid out on that lab table under the lightening storm faster than you can say "Emancipation Proclamation". But "Saw"? Please. The first movie was in the crapper, literally. The second movie I can't even remember, so I'm just going to assume that it either sucked or my popcorn was coated in hallucinogenic butter again. The third movie I can't even remember because I never "saw" it. And the forth movie? Well, they should invent a projector with little razor blades so that the film will thread through it one way and load in, but, when played, the film would run through the razors the other way and the razors would clamp down, shredding every print. And then the projector blew up. And it was filled with money, like a big, money-filled pinata. And then they had to show "The Hot Spot" because I got so much money I bought the theater. And then I could sit and watch Jennifer Connelly all day.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, "Saw IV". Sucks.

My Rating: OV Stars

Numero duo:

Good Luck Chuck

Ahhh, Jessica Alba. I'd watch breakfast cereal commercials if they all starred Jessica Alba (although, to be fair, I'd also watch breakfast cereal commercials if they all starred an unhinged cartoon rabbit or a leprechaun with a serious sugar high). I'd watch "American Idol" if it starred Jessica Alba. I might even watch "The Jane Austin Book Club" if it starred Jessica Alba, but only if she was wearing a bikini. Heck, I watched "Into the Blue" because it starred Jessica Alba. Twice. There you go. I'm not proud. So why would I list "Good Luck Chuck" as the duo worst movie of the last two months? What satanic, unearthly, hideous power could drive me from Jessica Alba, and seriously call in doubt her ability to function in a civil society? What sort of demonic, foul man-beast could drive the attraction out of the Alba?

Dane Cook.

Dane Cook spelled backwards is "Kooc Sucks", or it would be if you spelled "Dane" like "Skcus", which, incidentally, is how I spell it. Dane Cook is about as funny as cholera, and ask any sailor who hasn't eaten his oranges how funny cholera is. I guarantee that, if "Good Luck Chuck" is supposed to be a comedy, it's not funny, and, if it's supposed to be a drama, it's also not funny, and, if it's a horror movie, it's also not funny. I will refund anyone's money that they have spent on this blog if you can prove there is, was, can be, or ever has been anything funny about Dane Cook. And yet, this guy gets to star in a film with Jessica Alba. Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Stick Dane Cook in "Elizabeth III: Road Raleigh" and let him sing Beatles songs where no one would ever have to look at him. That way, he can never hurt an innocent career like that of Jessica Alba ever again.

My Rating: Negative a million stars for Dane Cook's ruthless defiling of Jessica Alba's career.

And the Numero Uno, big cheese crapitoriest movie since the last time I posted on this website has to be:

Bratz

Picture, if you will, a movie based around a Hasbro toy. Populate it with cute, vaguely underage actors in tight, trendy clothes. Put it into theaters during the summer when the preteen market has plenty of time and access to their mother's forgotten purse. Now this can go one of two ways. One- you could then add in killer robots, car chases, explosions, military battles, and jokes about masturbation. Do that, and you will have one of the greatest feats of cinematic art ever to not contain Jennifer Connelly, worthy of every major award to be thrown at it, and the undisputed box office champion of my household, "Transformers". On the other hand, two- you could call it "Bratz" and make it so stupid that the best idea it has in it is the firing of Paula Abdul. Not even teenage girls could be tricked into buying tickets for this used tampon, and they bought IN*SYNC albums and body glitter, so I don't see them as the most discerning audience. Plus, have you ever seen the Bratz dolls? Those things are creepier than clowns behind a DMV counter. They have big, swollen heads, too much makeup, and blank, painted eyes, like little, ethnic Nancy Reagans. Why would this make a good film? Of course, some would argue that little robots with arms more likely to break off than bend into the bumper of a car would also make a lousy film. For those people, all I can say is "Explosions, hot chicks, cars, fast cars, planes, robot battles, more explosions, and entire cities exploding". I've got an idea: every time Osama bin Ladin tries to broadcast one of his nonsensical rants about the benefits of Grecian formula, the U.S. should jam the signal and replace it with a broadcast of "Bratz". The sound you will hear is the sound of a thousand voices screaming in unison in the direction of Mecca. As for me, I'd rather watch "My Little Pony- The Movie". Especially if the ponies transformed into fast cars.

My Rating: 0 Starz

There. A new post. See you in two months.

Philosophy of the Frogs

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:59:00 +0000

If a blog falls on the Internets and nobody reads it, does it make a sound?

Do you think Jennifer Connelly might read it anyhow?

Reviews of the Ignorant: The Nanny Diaries

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 02:14:00 +0000

Some days you just don't feel like doing anything.

You wake up, wander around in your underwear, eating Doritos, just hoping that inspiration or at least motivation will strike. (Ok, I know inspiration usually 'strikes', 'cause I've read it in books and stuff, but what about motivation? Does it 'strike'? It doesn't seem quite as violent as inspiration; maybe motivation just kinda sneaks up behind you and pushes your shoulders.) And then, right about the second bag of Doritos, your kids start in with all the "Dad, Dad! We were supposed to be at school three hours ago!" And then life finds you driving at speeds of over 70 miles per hour in a school zone (Hey, the lights aren't flashing!) trying to make sure your kids get there in time for recess. And, after all that work, you still just don't feel like anything. You sit around on the porch, eating Doritos, and, even at the point that the hot neighbor comes out in her bikini, waves at you, lies down in her lawn chair, unties her top, and, hands strategically placed, tries to wave you over to rub some oil on her shoulders. So, of course, even though you haven't felt like doing anything, you head across the street, 'cause you want to protect her from skin cancer and whatever, can't let a young woman age herself in the sun, and then you find yourself rubbing her smooth, muscular back, and she's groaning just a little, her hips pressing into the lawn chair. You close your eyes, your fingers working down her sides, catching the strings on the bikini bottoms, as she lets out a soft gasp-

Uh, I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. Some days you just don't feel like doing anything. So there you are, helping out the neighbor, when your wife pulls up, all crazy and screaming about work and why am I across the street rubbing the neighbor's naked back and all the other crazy stuff women scream about, and you just don't feel like even having this discussion again. And then, she has to start in with all the "Where are the kids?", at which point you realize school has been over for 3 hours now and, in fact, it's dark outside. So back you rush to school, and the kids are all like, "Dad! You forgot us again! We were so hungry we had to eat grass!" And all you can't think of is, "I don't want to do anything", with a great feeling of, as the French say, 'ennui'

So what brings this reflection on, you ask? And, if you didn't, I'd appreciate it if you would, so we can get on with it. One. Two. Three. I can do this all day; I'm not proud. Go ahead and ask. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Ok, there, that wasn't so hard, was it? Well, the reflection was brought on by "The Nanny Diaries". I so much do not want to ever see this film that I don't even want to write a blog post on it. I am literally forcing myself to sit here and type this. Now don't get me wrong, here; "The Nanny Diaries" does not repulse me, as the most awful things in the world, such as Darfur genocide, blue M&M's, and "Rush Hour 3" do. And it does have two very nice things going for it; Scarlett Johansson. But why would anybody want to watch this thing, let alone write a blog posting about it after not watching it? So, instead, I sit and try to come up with excuses to not post. "Why, I need to help my son with his math homework!" I might cry, to which my wife would answer, "Children's services have taken them two weeks ago after you left them at the school overnight". "But wait!" I would exclaim (hence, the exclamation mark), "I need to see if Jennifer Connelly has made any new films lately!" And then my wife would answer, "You've seen them all. Three times". "But look!" I would exclaim again, at the risk of being repetitive, "'Dark Water' is on Encore Action for the fourth time today! I need to watch it!" And my wife would roll her eyes and answer, "You haven't paid the satellite bill for two months. What makes you think you're gonna tune in Encore Action now?"

I really gotta get a new wife.

And, with all of my excuses blown to smithereens, I must face the inevitable. Did Hannibal and the rest of 'The A-team' want to march across the Alps with a bunch of circus elephants? Heck no, but he did for the good of his country. Did the Ancient Egyptians want to build the pyramids? Of course not, they were slaves, but they did it anyhow because, well, they were slaves, and would probably be killed if they didn't. Did Jonas Salk want to invent the polio vaccine? Well, yeah, probably. Bad example. Did George W. Bush want to be elected President of the United States? No way, but he was, because someone had to serve for the front man for Cheney and his power-mad gang of goons. All of these people (with the exception of Salk, I guess) were faced with a duty and they did it, no matter how unpleasant, all for the betterment of humanity. Except for the case of President Bush. And that brings me to me. I could take the easy way, not cross the Alps, not build the pyramids, not cure polio, and not allow a crazed cabal of money-hungry neocons to take over our nation. Or I can sit down and act as I should, fulfill my destiny, satisfy the hunger of millions and make the world a better place.

I could post an ignorant review of "The Nanny Diaries".

I expect millions of 'thank you' notes. Checks would be nice, too.

The Nanny Diaries

Ok, if you go see this, you pretty much get what you deserve. First, let's break down the title. The first word is 'The'. So far, so good. Lots of great films have started with 'The'. "The Empire Strikes Back". "The Rocketeer". " "The Hot Spot". And "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" actually has 'The' three times. It is the most 'the'iest movie of all times. So from just that word, you can't really yet see the unholy depths of suckiness this movie will reach.

But then, we get into trouble. 'Nanny'. No, not 'Tranny'. "The Tranny Diaries" actually might have been an interesting film. But here, we're talking about 'Nanny'. Now there are only two places where 'Nanny' should appear in films, and absolutely NONE of them would involve Fran Drescher. First would be in porn, with such classics as "The Naughty Nanny", "The Nanny's Fanny" and "The Nanny Always Cums Twice". Second, would be "Mary Poppins". Just be sure not to mix up the tapes when your putting the cases away or you'll have to answer to your wife the next time the kids have a sleepover with 'movie night'. Trust me. I know. But, overall, using the word 'Nanny' in a movie title is a kiss of death. It brings to mind snooty people doing snooty things like 'spending money' and 'exercising' and talking in a fake English accent. Not that I have anything wrong with talking in a fake English accent; I do it all the time when I'm explaining to the creditors why I'm not home right now. But would you watch a film about me explaining to creditors that I'm not home? I didn't think so. Don't put 'Nanny' in the title of your movie.

So we're already failing here. Then comes, as the French also say, the 'piece de la resistance' meaning, 'piece of most resistance to going to see this movie'. The word 'Diaries'. This just congers up horrible memories of being forced to play ponies and Barbies with my sisters and their friends. What does a person think of when they think of diaries? Well, yeah, I guess some people would think of things that must be burnt before the Army gets in your bunker. But, for most of us, instantly we have images of unicorns and purple, rainbows and sticker books, braiding hair and 'Truth or Dare'. And if you have never been forced to play with a Ken doll wearing a fur coat for hours while your sister and her friends listened to 'Bon Jovi' and talked about boys, then you have no right to laugh and should consider yourself one lucky person.

And that pretty much wraps it up. "The Nanny Diaries". Just the name churns my stomach so much that they should call it, "The Nanny Diarrheas". You know it's gonna be about a bunch of rich people talking about themselves and how hard their lives are while cute kids say cuss words and the innocent nanny learns lessons of survival and becomes a stronger and better person until my head wants to blow up. There are two things, however, that possibly could save this movie; as I said before, they are Scarlett Johansson. Here is a woman of great mystery. Sometimes, she can be smoking hot. Other times, though, she looks like she was carved out of a block of butter and put on display at the State Fair. Now, I like butter, but I prefer it on my plate rather than carved in the shape of a woman and walking around the screen on the local Hectaplex. She also has the problem of coming across as extremely smart, at least by celebrity standards. Now, if I wanted my women smart, I'd move somewhere that they make them that way, but I choose to live in America, and we don't want any of that fancy European stuff here. And, sure, Ms. Johansson does have some enormous talents. While she is no Jennifer Connelly, she can fill out the old white tank-top with Academy Award winning capabilities, if the Academy Awards were given out for gigundous hooters. (Which I think it actually might be, at some point in the technical awards, between 'Gaffers' and 'Best Boys'). Yet can Ms. Johansson, as dually talented as she is, even at her most buttery, make up for the fact that this is "The Nanny Diaries"? Can Nancy Reagan fly? I mean, without her broomstick and the blood of twenty virgins.

To summarize, "The Nanny Diaries". Read it again. "The Nanny Diaries". What does this mean? It means that this movie will have "Nannies" and "Diaries". Run.

Gotta go. This bag of Doritos ain't gonna eat itself, you know.

My Rating: 0 stars, except for Scarlett Johansson, who gets 00 stars.

Trivia: In the spirit of the old William Castle horror film promotion gimmicks, "The Nanny Diaries" included, in select major cities, a 'Penis Check' room, where any male who went to see this could actually check their penis and leave it safely in the lobby prior to entering the theater.

Reviews of the Extremely Ignorant: Dog Reviews

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 14:08:00 +0000

Well, it's been a busy week or so, what with Labor Day and all the labor my wife made me do in honor of it. Plus, there was the embarrassing moment, after that 5th hot dog, where I thought I was going into labor. Fortunately, it was just a touch of the ol' irritable bowel, but was my face red (primarily from straining). It's not every day a guy has to get an epidural in order to go to the bathroom. And that episiotomy! Yikes!

Anyway, with all this crap going on, I have not had the time even to not watch movies, let alone not watch them and then write about them. But I didn't want to disappoint my fans. Ok, fan. Ok, my mom. So I didn't want to disappoint my mom by going so long without posting on the Frog Blog, and I became determined to find a partner in film reviews, someone to take up the slack I have been so generously leaving. Naturally, my first inclination was my wife, but the look of horror on her face when I asked her to post, along with the comment about 'blog freaks', gave me an immediate answer. So then, I thought, why not my boys? Their study habits certainly reveal the same ignorant streak found in their old man. But they only wanted to write a review of "High School Musical 2", and, since I had just looked at a naked picture floating around the Internets of one of the musical high schoolers from that flick, I was uncomfortable even discussing it. Seems like every kid who shows up on the Disney Channel has a matter of two years or so before they start flashing their crotches across the World Wide Web. I shudder to think what running a "Minnie Mouse" & "nipple slip" search through the ol' Google would bring up.

Despondent, I was prepared to give up and simply allow the Frog Blog to dry up, to crust and sugar over, (or, even possibly, explode), when, suddenly, like a beam of bricks sent from Heaven above, it hit me. Aftershocks from all those hot dogs! Wanting to avoid another horrible "brown stain" incident, I ran to the bathroom. But then, while I was in a state of grunting repose in the quietest room in the house, posed like Rodin's "Thinker", I also had an idea. There was another member of the household more loyal than my wife, more obedient than my children, and more ignorant than myself. Of course! Who better to assist me in ignorantly reviewing movies than the one household member more interested in licking his privates and eating flies than checking out the IMDB! No, not Grandpa! The dog!

A quick note here: My dog values his privacy and his one condition for helping me drop some new reviews up here was that I disguise his identity. He feels that, the next time he's at the park sniffing other dog's butts and urinating on playground equipment, he doesn't want to be recognized as contributing to something as lame as a blog; he has a reputation to keep up as a fifteen pound, lean, mean, barking and fighting sex machine. So, rather than reveal his real name and risk his relationship with that hot Chocolate Lab, I'm simply going to refer to him, for the remainder of this post, as 'the dog' or 'my dog'. And he most definitely is not the Jack Russell who tore up your library book you left sitting on the park bench last June, so don't come asking me for $30 to replace it. He's a different Jack Russell that just happened to be there that same day. And you, my friend, are guilty of breed profiling.

Now, one thing dogs are not is 'meta-', and he just didn't get the whole idea of reviewing films you have never seen, so I promised him that I'd let him actually watch the film he was reviewing. This made him so happy he ran in circles, biting his stub of a tail. Plus, he is not the most verbal of living creatures, so his reviews would have to be based primarily on behavioral actions, making me the Jane Goodall of pop culture blogs. So, notebook in hand, pith helmet in place (because, of course, if you're going to go into the jungles of animal observation, you have to pith firtht, underthand?), we headed down to the local Nonoplex to buy tickets for the flick I thought he'd like to see the most, "Underdog". The stupid theater, however, would not allow me in with him, despite the fact that I first tried to explain that he was reviewing the film for a well known blog, then attempted to convince the theater manager that he was a service dog. He, however, did little to assist me with this, instead primarily being interested in barking at every person who entered the theater lobby, and, thanks to this little display, I am banned from the theater under penalty of Criminal Trespassing.

$7.00 lighter and still with no review, we headed to the video store. Here, I insisted to him that he would have to stay outside, and I tied him to the bike racks. From there, I held up different film options for his reviewing pleasure. We ultimately decided on the following films, or, should I say, I decided, because he was more interested in 1) Barking at every car that went past the video store B) Barking at every person entering the video store and III) Urinating repeatedly on the dirt bike next to him on the bike rack:

1. The Truth About Cats and Dogs
2. Dog Day Afternoon
3. A documentary about land mine-sniffing dogs in Vietnam called War Dogs
4. And, for variety, Catch and Release, starring Jennifer Garner (purchased previously viewed for only $3.99)

(A brief editorial note here about Jennifer Garner. She confuses me and makes me question my sexuality. Sometimes, I think she is very attractive. There was that spy show where she would wear leather suits and milkmaid outfits and always looked real hot. Plus, she has the appropriate first name, referencing the standard of beauty and quality acting that is the radiant and awe-inspiring Jennifer Connelly (although falling far, far short of Ms. Connelly's glory, I must say). But there are other times, such as through much of this movie, where she looks like a dude in drag. How can this strange duality be explained? It is a mystery best left to Bible studies and my therapist, I'm afraid.)

Having acquired the films for Dog Review, I proceeded home and immediately set about screening these for my dog. What follows are the actual field notes of his behavior during different times of the films, and his decision as to the quality of these films inferred from this behavior. I have noted the times, in minutes and seconds, according to the counter on the DVD player so that if you, too, want to get your dog and have him watch the same films at the same times to attempt to duplicate these findings, then that makes both of us scientists and we should probably join a club or a society or something.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Approximately -0:45 to -0:19- The dog is insistent on attempting to lick my mouth while I am leaned over, putting the DVD in the player

0:00 to 1:10 - He is vigorously scratching his right front shoulder

1:12 to 1:37- He is now vigorously biting his right front shoulder, making a slurping, clicking sound so obnoxious I yell at him to "Stop", and, when he doesn't, I throw a sandal against the wall to get his attention.

1:39 to 1:55- He resumes biting his right front shoulder, continuing to make that grotesque chewing sound. I yell, "Stop!", even louder, pounding my fist on the floor.

1:56 to 2:02- He gives me a look that either expresses a sincere sadness that he has displeased me or a murderous intent to rip my throat out while I sleep, it's difficult to read. He then leaves the screening room.

2:03 to 14:07- Despite my calls for him to return, he refuses. I apologize profusely, even offer to scratch his shoulder, but he still does not return. I hear him somewhere upstairs, growling and running around. Realizing that he is not going to return, and that attempting to force an animal to watch any more of this film could result in cruelty charges, I stop the screening and review my notes.

Dog Review- Film is less interesting than right front shoulder. 0 Bones.

Dog Day Afternoon

- 17:00- Both the case and the DVD have some sticky substance on them. While I am attempting to insert the DVD, the dog grabs the case and carries it across the room. He then lays down and starts to lick it. I set the DVD down and go across the room to get the case, which is already at this point riddled with teeth-mark holes. He thinks I want to play and refuses to let go of the case, growling and trying to pull it away. I finally shake the case loose, but he runs behind me, growling and barking. I try and grab him, but he slips away, runs back across the room, and grabs the DVD itself in his mouth. He then runs up the stairs with it, growling the whole time. I chase him upstairs, but, by the time I get up there, out of breath, he has begun to crunch the DVD into a bunch of sharp, slivery pieces. I chases him away, gather up the pieces, and put them back in the case which is now rough with his teeth marks. Later, I tell the video store guy that this was how I found it when I got it home.

Dog Review- While both the case and the DVD are delicious, the DVD is sharp when broken and can make the mouth bleed. Due to this serious safety concern, 0 Bones.

War Dogs

Due to issues in previous screenings, I decide to put the dog on his leash and tie him to the leg of the couch, forcing him to stay in the room for the screening.

0:00 to 4:29 - The dog is growling and pulling at his leash, trying to get free.

4:30 to 6:15- The dog continues to growl and pull at the leash, making it impossible to hear the film

7:10 to 9:35- The dog has now lied down and is attempting to chew through his leash, every once in a while giving it a tug. I yell "No!" at him in an attempt to get him to focus on the film, which seems to be about bomb-sniffing dogs that were left behind when Vietnam was evacuated. He doesn't watch the film, though, and instead, after sniffing the leash one more time, begins to loudly lick his genitals.

10:02 to 15:17- I actually don't pay a whole lot of attention to the dog, as I can hear him continue his licking and chewing and the documentary is pretty good. When I do look back at him, though, I see he is no longer licking his genitals but is now chewing the wooden leg of the couch, with little bits of wood shavings everywhere. "NO!" I yell, with visions of my wife killing both of us dancing through my head, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" He immediately stops chewing and lies his head down on the floor, ears pulled back in an attempt at contrition.

15:50 to 16:22- He stands and begins pacing

17:48- The screening comes to a stop when he loudly vomits a pile of wood shavings and pieces of DVD label floating in a yellow goo. I pick him up and rush him outside, breaking the weakened couch leg when I forget to unhook the leash, where he proceeds to vomit two more times.

Dog Review- Despite a few minutes of quality genital licking time, any film that makes you vomit more than once cannot be recommended. 0 Bones.

Catch and Release

This time, I decide I will hold him while the film screens. We have to sit in the chair, as the couch is now lopsided.

0:00 to 4:46- The dog struggles to get away from me. I hold him tight and tell him, "It's ok, it's ok" in as soothing a voice as possible. This, though, seems to remind him of getting shots at the vet, and he proceeds then to try and pull away more urgently.

5:00 to ?- Finally, after a few more seconds of struggling, he settles and closes his eyes. He lies next to me, warm and soft, and, as the film drones on and on, I begin to lose interest in trying to figure if Jennifer Garner is hot and begin instead to think of Jennifer Connelly in her white tank-top. Everything is quiet, except for the murmur of the blabbing voices on the TV. I decide I will close my eyes and enjoy the peace for a minute.

22:14- I am violently awakened as the dog growls and barks. He has left me in the chair and is now slamming himself against the door in the daily vain attempt to frighten the mailman away from the mailbox. I try to call him back to the chair, but he runs back upstairs.

22:50 to 26:17 - I go upstairs and bring him back down, telling him to stay so I can see what his reaction is to this film. He refuses to watch it, instead pacing around and whining, trying to leave the room. I tell him to sit, which he does begrudgingly, but he continues to whine, and begins to pace again, walking back and forth in a wide oval. "Sit!" I tell him again, but he refuses.

27:05- The screening comes to an end when he begins to urinate on the rug, staring at me with a look of regret combined with vindication. I stumble across the room and grab him, trying to get him outside, but I succeed only in trailing a stream of urine across the room. Once outside, he immediately stops urinating and runs to all four corners of the yard, barking at squirrels. He then returns to his earlier vomit and begins to eat it. I yell at him to stop, and he gives me a bored look, then goes back to a sunny spot on the patio, where he proceeds to fall asleep.

Dog Review- Film inspires drowsiness, rage (directed at the mailman), and, finally, a strong and uncontrollable desire to urinate, making it have a lot in common with the side effects of certain anti-depressants and not at all enjoyable. Plus, there is no determination as to whether Jennifer Garner is truly hot or a drag queen. All of this emotional turmoil cannot lead to a recommendation. 0 Bones.

So, what was learned through Dog Reviews? That dog vomit does not come easily out of a carpet, that video store clerks are a mistrusting lot when it comes to damaged DVDs, that there is nothing better than falling asleep with a dog by your side, and that the case of "Catch and Release" will effectively even out a broken couch leg, at least enough that your wife doesn't notice. Now I gotta run- there's someone waiting to play Frisbee with me.

No animals were harmed in the posting of this blog.

Instant Film School: Ratings Bored

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 04:47:00 +0000

Today, we are going to dive straight into the toxic waters of film studies by reviewing the film ratings system, what it means, how ratings are determined, and what is it's effect on the tilt of the Earth's axis.

Many people have been asking (and, in this case, by 'many' I mean 'no', but, for the sake of this post, work with me, here) for a summary of the Motion Picture Association of America's film rating system. Of course, this system is highly confidential and incredibly subjective, so, instead, I'm just going to make something up and pass it off as a review of the rating system. First, though, let me make it clear: we're talking about the content rating assigned to most film's released in America, not the film rating system used to review films here at "The Frogs and Their King". That system is easy enough to sum up- All films with Jennifer Connelly- 100 quagillion machillion stars. Everything else- 0 stars. Now that I've made that distinction for the extremely defective among us, let us proceed.

The American film rating system is relatively simple. There are only a few rules that are followed in deciding what rating to assign to a film, and they go like this:

1. Does a film depict violence between humans, not limited to but including beatings, beheadings, shootings, manglings, bare-knuckle fighting, amputation, drownings, torturings, murder, burning alive, burying alive, hangings, car accidents, boat accidents, train accidents, plane accidents, cannibalism, tatooings, or general mayhem and madness? If so, it is rated PG-13.

2. Does a film depict any of the above, only directed towards a household pet? Then it is rated R.

3. Does a film depict naked female breasts used in an educational manner, such as showing tribal women using them for tribal purposes, like holding jugs of water or extra leaves and berries, or such as attractive twenty-somethings exposing them to teenage boys in the interest of anatomy? If so, the film is rated PG-13.

4. Does a film depict naked female breasts used in a non-educational manner? If so, and these non-educational breasts are on screen for less than 1 minute, the film is rated PG-13. More than a minute? Rated R, but the ticket-takers will look the other way if you're under-age but really have to see them, such as in the case of Halle Berry in 'Swordfish' or Jennifer Connelly in anything.

5. Does the film depict naked penguin breasts? If so, and they are not seen in a lecherous manner, the film will be rated G. If seen in a lecherous manner, then the film will only be released in Europe, Vermont, and certain parts of the Pacific Northwest.

6. Does the film depict full-frontal female nudity? If so, and it is someone you would enjoy seeing naked (ie, young Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba, or Jennifer Connelly), then it may be rated PG-13 or R, depending on the intended studio demographics. If it is someone you would NOT enjoy seeing naked (ie, Kathy Bates, Charo, Divine), then it must be rated at least R, and must contain the mandated Surgeon General's warning.

7. Does the film depict a naked penis? If so, and it belongs to Bruce Willis, Kevin Bacon, or Harvey Keitel, then the film will be Rated R, but you will have to produce two forms of photo ID to get in an see it (such as a valid passport and a state issued ID), and you may be sorry that you did. If the penis belongs to anyone else, the film will be Rated XXX-17.

8. Does the film contain swearing? If so, and it the swearing you might hear from your 4th Grade teacher when she accidentally staples her index finger, such as 'poop', 'fart', 'damn', 'hell', 'criminy' or 'son-of-a-gun', then it may be rated G. If so, and it involves the slang name for a body-part found on a man, then it may be rated PG. If so, and it is the swearing you might hear from your grandmother during the early onset of dementia, such as '$h!t', 'g0d-d@mn' , 'p!$$', 'wh0re-faced j@ck@$$', or 's0n-0f-@-b!+ch', then it may be rated PG-13. If so, and it is the swearing you might hear from drunk sailors just arrested while on shore-leave, such as the 'f' word, the 'mf' word, the 'c' word, the 'n' word, or any words beginning with 'O' through 'W', then it will be rated R. Finally, if it's the kind of swearing you might hear between Hitler and the Devil during a 'yo momma' rank contest, the kind of words that, should I even think them, would melt the Internets, then the film will be not be rated, as several members of the ratings board are elderly and it may cause them heart problems. The only exceptions to all of the above are a) if any of the swearing is done by a penguin, the film will be rated G and b) if any of the swearing is done by an animated character, such as an ogre or a superhero, then the film will be rated PG.

9. Does the film have characters who smoke? If so, and it was made prior to 2006, it will be rated G. If so, and it was filmed after 2006, it will be rated NC-17.

10. Does the film include uncompromising adult subjects that, while not appropriate for children, also do not include hardcore, pornographic sex acts? Then the film will be rated NC-17 and will not be shown to anyone in any major theater chain or rented from major video rental stores, essentially dooming the film financially and in its impact. Sorry.

11. Was the film made in France? If so, it will be unrated, or, as they say in France, "le ratings non".

12. Was the film directed by Steven Spielberg? If so, it will be rated PG-13.

13. Did the film cost more than $100 million dollars to make and is being released between Memorial Day and Labor Day? If so, it will be rated PG-13.

14. All other films that do not fit in any of the above categories will be rated PG-13.

And that is how simple it is to decide the rating of a movie.

However, while it is extremely simple to assign the rating, due to the fact that there are over 3,267 possible ratings issued, the system itself if very complicated. Now, while I would be more than happy to list all 3,267 with a brief explanation of what they mean, I expect everyone else would be less than happy. Therefore, I will now provide the top 30 or so assigned ratings from the last few years.

'G'- 'Geek'- Only a geek would watch this movie
'GC'- 'Guidance Counseling'- You may need to visit the Guidance Counselor after seeing this movie.
'GP'- 'Gross Product'- This film cost more to make than the gross product of bottom third of the world's countries put together.
'PG'- 'Pussy Galore'- This rating is only given to James Bond films, or to certain, ah, shall we say, 'art' films that play in a continuous reel at that particular theater on the wrong side of town.
'PG-13'- 'Not Suitable for Anyone Who is Not Male or Over the Age of 13'- Most likely includes car chases, young women in various stages of undress, fighting robots, former professional football players, crotch-kicking, or old ladies dropping the 'f' bomb.
'PG-4' - 'Not Suitable for Anyone Over the Age of 4'- Usually reserved for 'Barney' films, penguin movies, or anything based on a greeting card line.
'PG-80' - 'Not Suitable for Anyone With an IQ Over 80'- Usually reserved for Uwe Boll films, or anything starring a Baldwin that is not Alec.
'PG-12mm' - 'Not Suitable for Anyone Not Carrying a Piece' Yo, anyone not packin' risks getting a cap busted in ya, dawg.
'PG-200m'- 'Please Gross 200 Million'- This film cost over 100 million dollars to make, and the studio who made it is politely demanding that all film goers see this within the first 5 days of release
'JC' - This is used on films that either star the stunning and amazing actress Jennifer Connelly or are religious dramas directed by Mel Gibson.
'BC' - This is used on really old films, such as those filmed on nitrate, 'Before Celluloid'.
'AM'- This is a film best seen on cable after drinking all night
'BM' - This is the rating given to Brett Ratner films. It would have been 'BR', but that was already being used by films with the primary setting of either the frozen Antarctic or the North Pole, such as penguin and Christmas films.
'BLT' - 'But Look at Total gross'- This is given to films that depend on the stupidity of the overseas market audiences to see a profit. This is also the rating given to Muppet films.
'BFF'- 'Based on French Films'- A subpar American remake of a barely interesting in the first place, pretentious French movie. Examples include 'Three Men and a Baby', 'The Birdcage', and 'Down and Out in Beverly Hills'. Examples do not include 'The Ring', 'The Grudge', or 'One Missed Call', which would all be rated 'BFJ', or 'Dark Water', which would be rated 'BFJ-JC',
'R' - 'Raunchy'- This is how you know, as a pre-teen, what films are worth watching on pay cable after your parents have dosed off.
'RR'- This film features a train, such as 'Silver Streak', 'Thomas the Tank Engine', or 'Throw Momma from the Train'.
'NC' - 'No Choice'- This is the rating issued to some big-name actor's vanity project that a studio feels it has to make, many times even allowing the actor to direct, in order to negotiate a starring role in next summer's tent pole release.
'NC-17' - 'Now Costs $17.00'- This is used for films shown in IMAX or digital 3-D formats.
'NC-$5'- 'No Change of more than $5.00'- This is the rating used when a theater till is running low on $1 bills.
'NC-100'- '100 uses of nunchucks'- This is given to kung-fu flicks
'NCNN' - This means that the audience would rather watch the news than the travesty the studio is trying to force on them.
'NLV'- This rating identifies a Chevy Chase 'Vacation' film.
'NSFW' - 'Nice Safe Family Watching'- Films with this rating are wholesome and affirming films for the whole family, and, whenever you see this included with an image online, it is a badge of honor that means you can download safely without worrying about inappropriate content, even in front of your boss at work or your girlfriend's parents.
'X' - This is the rating given to a film that includes penises.
'XXX' - This film has 3 times the penises as the previous rating. This is also the rating given to anything staring Vin Diesel.
'CCC'- This rating occurs when the ratings board meant to give a film an 'XXX', but miskeyed and was too embarrassed to correct it.
'NC-XINFINITY' - This film is not suitable for anyone, and no one will be admitted to the theater to see it. Films that have earned this rating include 'Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!', 'Basic Instinct 2', 'Gigli', and anything made by Tara Reid after 'American Pie', among others.
'Y785TGNBHJDJJJKKKKKKKKKKKKKK' - This is the rating given when a film is so uninteresting, it causes the ratings board to fall asleep on the keyboard.
' '- This is what it looks like when a film is not rated.

And now you know all about the content ratings system for American films, and you are prepared to go out into the world and randomly rate films, such as your sister's wedding videos, the video at the start of a commercial airline trip, the filmstrip shown in your 9th grade science class, or the dashboard camera recording of you failing a field sobriety test (hint: all but one of these examples contains penises). There is one thing to remember, though; the ratings system is not censorship, but, rather, exists to prevent certain people from seeing certain films based on the morals and decisions of a third party. With this lofty goal in mind, our ratings system has valiantly protected sensitive American's from seeing penises while allowing us access to the car crashes and murders that make up the backbone of our society. So the next time you see the rating on a film you are viewing, go ahead and applaud in thanks, or even run up and kiss the screen. At the most, the theater owner may call a police escort out to assist a person of your leadership qualities in moving out of the theater. At the very least, your performance will rate a solid "WTF".

Note- The preceding has been rated 'PPB' for 'Pitiful Pointless Blog' by the BRAA- the Blog Rating Association of America.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Hairspray

noreply@blogger.com (Matteo) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 18:39:00 +0000

Now I love the musical, all that singing and prancing around at dramatic moments, like everyone in the thing has become brain damaged in some bizarre accident that refuses to allow them to respond with appropriate emotions, but, instead, forces them to burst into song. I think back to all the great movie musicals. I think of the strangely clone-like bathing beauties diving into a pool filled with Tidy Bowl fluorescent blue water in all the old Busby Berkeley flicks. I think of Dorothy, and her little dog, too, being more concerned about singing than disaster preparedness, leading to horrifying, prescription drug-addled hallucinations. I think of the great Gene Kelly in the all-time classic, singin' and dancin' musical, "Xanadu". I think of Mary Poppins beating the children in her charge in the closet while singing "No Wire Hangers For Me (The Chimney Sweep Song)". I think of Mary Poppins, again, fighting Nazis while swirling around a hillside singing, "The Hills Are Alive (With the Sound of Genocide)". I think of Mary Poppins, again, flashing her breasts in S.O.B. Wait, that wasn't a musical. Oh well, I'm still thinking about it.

But what I don't want to think about is the tendency in Hollywood to take something old and not even try and hide the fact that it's old yet still expect us in the hinterlands to pay for it again. This is a direct result of some unholy alliance at the intersection of Hollywood and Broadway, where movies become musicals then become movies again, with nothing interesting added in the transition outside of boredom. As with most evil, blame this trend on Disney; "Beauty and the Beast", "The Lion King", "Tarzan", "The Little Mermaid", and even my beloved "Mary Poppins" (probably safe to assume without the Nazis or bare breasts), all plopped like rodent droppings in the Great White Way. Follow this with even less interesting things like "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and "Legally Blond"- yikes, I didn't even want to see these films at the second run, dollar theater, let alone pay $70 for a stage version. Then, there is word that they are making a "Shrek" musical! The horror! I'd rather be trapped in an endless Ice Capades time warp than have to ever see a farting, belching chorus line of ogres and animals, followed by some 'wink-wink' pop culture references. If this makes any money, can "Hefty Cinch Sack- The Musical" or "Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben- A Love Story" be far behind?

Yet, in an even more inconvenient truth, the recycling comes full circle, with movies being made of the musicals of the movies. Long ago, Plato and John Stuart Mill would have thought this an impossible fallacy, like a snake eating it's own tail. But the snakes of Hollywood are more than happy to eat their tails if there is the possibility of easy money to be made, and, hence, "The Producers", which was a great movie, becomes an ok musical play, becomes a sub-par movie, performing no purpose but to smear feces on our pleasant memories of the previous incarnations. And did the fact that "The Producers", which made less than $20 million samoleons (which, I will point out, if stacked up, would equal the 1994 gross of that instant classic, "Cabin Boy"; see previous post for the mathematically amazing formula) on a $45 million budget deter Hollywood from doing it again? Uh, no. Now, my mind is not that beautiful, and I'm no financial genius (which may explain why I'm typing a blog in the middle of a weekday afternoon) but I can't see where spending $45 million to make $20 million is good business practice. Yet the snake returns to its tail. Maybe they need a tax write-off.

Now it's a sad fact (sad for me, that is) that I have actually seen "The Producers" in all three versions, so I must exempt myself from reviewing that celluloid recycled mess. But, as the Who said, in their album that became a film that became a stage show, "Tommy", I won't get fooled again. Hollywood loves their recycling. So, with no further ado, let us proceed with another 1st here at the Frog Blog (where our motto should be "Always Innovating, Always Irritating"); our first musical post! Now, we're not talking any MP3, 4, 5, 6, or 72 nonsense, no way. No downloads needed, which is just as well, as I expect most of our readers are on dial-up connections at the library. No, here, for the first time on the Internets, is an all-singin', all-dancin' musical Review of the Ignorant. Just follow your bouncing balls and sing along! And now, direct from the Mediocre Slightly-Yellowed Way, "The Frogs and Their King" proudly present....

(drum roll, please!)

Hairspray*
A Musical Review

(* sung to the tune of "Yankee Doodle")

Third time redo came to town
Riding on Travolta
Fickle viewers shot it down
And called it, 'Crapiola'

Chorus:

"Hairspray", I say, no thank you now
"Hairspray", I say, don't bother
If you must do this film just
Watch the original John Waters

Ricki Lake did not participate
Travolta in a fat suit
Amanda Bynes has ripened on the vine
And the 'tweens think Zac Ephron is cute

Chorus:

"Hairspray", nay, no way, I say
"Hairspray", you all have a choice
Why watch a film made from play
That's missing Fierstein's gravely voice?

Critics know nothing new exists
They say there's no originality
But they fall in line to praise this mess
A movie made from a play made from a movie

Chorus:

"Hairspray", ok, won't go away
"Hairspray", I'm really sick of it
The musical has had it's day...
But the sun has set on this piece of ... garbage.

Reprise:

"Hairspray", today, we're done with that
Just look at it's box office tally
Why hire Travolta and pad him fat
When you could just get Kirstie Alley?

My song is done, I've had my fun.
As the French would say, "Au revoir".
This flick's no fun to see, and with no Connelly
My Rating: "Hairspray"- 0 Stars

Jazzhands!!