THE FUCKING SHIT MOVIE WEBSITE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT A BITCH

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2000

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:18:00 +0000

Fuck your mothers, I have been gone for so long. "Where have you been?" you are asking (you are probably not asking). Because I am such a "Internetional Sensation" I can now move to the USA to make my dreams come true of making so much money from my boys becoming action stars and me being there manager.

So I have been learning so much about American capitalism. But to be so honest I do not fucking understand it. From all that I can see it is like this big fucking game of Monopoly but instead of fake money it is real money and instead of game it is real life.

But so many Americans still act like it is such a game and they want to win so bad. And I think winning is cool and everything if you are going to make a definition of winning as making such boner-making movies or such sweet products that make the world a better place and get us so many virgins in heaven, but all of the Americans say a definition of winning is to get all the money... like it is Monopoly.

This is such a problem because life is not Monopoly. It is life and when people are the loser they fucking starve to death and there kids get lice. That is such an evil game they play in America.

"So what Nikolai, shall we be a Socialists like everyone in Europe who is giving so much moeny to Greece so they can have all the ass sex with all of the men?" No, socialism is fucking stupid too and it does not work because why am I to give my money I make sweeping popcorn and condoms at the cinema to help pay for Sorens sweet flat in East Minsk that he get government assistance from because they think he is so poor when really he is so rich from selling all the bootleg dvds?

"Communism, then?" No way. I lived in a fucking communist country and it is such bull shit because in a true communism there is everyone gets equal amounts of everything no matter what but in a fake ass communism like Castro, Chavez, and Obama have there is always some rich mother fucker who is making everyone divide all of the money while they play golf and smoke cigars and have sex with little boys and that is not communism - that is a evil fucking dictatorships.

"So what then?"

So THIS

It is the only way. Otherwised this world is so fucked in its fucking ass that everyone is going to have so many bloody shits it is unbelievable just like in the year 2000 when all the computers exploded and everyone killed each other.

So here are the top ten movies of Y2K:

10. BATTLE ROYALE Rumble
This is a documentary about the Japanese X-Factor where instead of singing all the kids go on a field trip to the Lost island and kill each other with cross bows and sniper rifles and axes and YES!

9. FINAL DESTINATION 1-D
Do you remember that gay quaterback on The Creek of Dawson and you are like "I wish that mother fucker will have a sign cut his ass in half in France"? One thing I learn about American capitalism is "supply and demand". So we all demand it so hard and this movie made that happen so hard and SPLAT!

8. REQUIEM FOR A Two Sided Dildo DREAM
This movie is fucked up. 30 seconds to Mars sticks heroin into herpes he has growing on his arm and then the Wayans Brothers suck so many dicks for cheeseburgers and Opportunity Nocks boobs makes a porno with the black dad from Something About Mary. The music is the best music ever made by anyone and they use it for everything now and everyone who like that music is like "fuck you!"

7. MEMENTO Mind Fuck
This movie is good but not "so good" like you thought it was when you first saw it but still it is very good and you can see how the director went on to make the Dark Nights and now the Dark Night 3 with Leornardo Da Vinci as Batman now who lives in the Matrix which bends my boner over my head to fuck me in my own ass every time I see the preview. Trinity from the Matrix is in this and she is such a bitch but still so sexy to me and reminds me of Snehzana.

6. MEET MY PARENTS
This movie is funny to me. Thats it. I dont not do comedy anymore. i am so close to not doing any movies anymore at all because of how rubbish everything is this year. Even the good ones are rubbish. Kick Ass was so rubbish and Roger Eberts was so right about everything he say about that movie. Im so sorry. That movie is dirty and expose the soul of Americas youth that is raised by all the money-hungry capitalist who worship at the altar of Sex with sacrificings of unborn babies. "America, Fuck Yeah!"

5. AMORES PERROS (Puppy Love)
Some people might say love is such a bitch but not this movie. It says love is puppy love like the title in Spanish. And it is about so much sweet love stories and sweet dog fights and sweet killings and a sweet bum who is a hitman and a sweet model Heather Miller who marry John Lennon and have one leg and then divorce him and take all his money because her dog died under the floor. "Viva Mexicao!"

4. THE CELL Phone That Has No Phone In It
The cell phone is a most complex boner I ever have because J-Lo's ass is so nice as always but this movie so good you dont not even notice it that much and she goes into Vince Vaughns brain and Full Metal Jacket cuts a horse with a bread slicer and has Silence of the Lambs playing all the time on repeat.

3. CAST AWAY
I love this movie so much and it is so intense and so different and only one man like the hole time and "how the fuck is this not boring?" but it is not and it also inspire this screenplay about a man who fall in love with a bottle that I have 3 hours to write one time and is kind of funny and I hope you like it - my gift to you.

2. FANTASIA 2000-D IMAX
This was the first movie ever released on IMAX and it was so sweet. I remember thinking "this is what I am going to do with my life" when I see it and so I have so many screenplays of silent movie cartoons that I write that fit in with a classicaling musics and now I need to find all the animators to make them because it was Walt Disney dream to make these go on forever but now his head is frozen in a jar of pickles in Oprahs freezer so now I must do it instead.

1. UNfuckingBREAKABLE
Snehzana and I just watch this movie again a couple of a month ago and it is still so fucking sweet you can hardly believe it because then M Dark Night Shamalynanana go on to direct so many pieces of shit that come out of aborted babys. Usually people get better when they direct more movies and practice so hard but not him because he is such a genius like Merlin who travel backwards in time and get worse instead.

I do not no about you but I am to go to bed now and dream about all the money I will make and all the abortions I will have when I move to America, Fuck Yeah! Baseball, Fuck yeah! Oh and also all the sex tapes Amedeus and Emmanuel will make with all there boyfriends to be so rich, Fuck yeah! Starbucks, Fuck yeah! Sushi, Fuck yeah! Play dates, Fuck yeah! Pilates, Fuck Yeah! Aspergers, Fuck Yeah! Masters Degree, Fuck Yeah! Cancun, Fuck yeah! Fuck Yeah! FUUUUCK YEAH!

I cant not wait!

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2001

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 10 May 2010 14:52:00 +0000

Tomorrow morning I am to take Emmanuel to see a new Robin Hoods movie...

I no. There is already so much negativitys in a world Nikolai why do you have to be hating so much a Robin Hoods movie you dont even see yet? I will tell you...

I HATE a Ridley Scotts movies. Gladiator to me is maybe a most boring movie of all time and such a rip-off of ass-fuck awesome Bravehearts but instead of crazy as shit I want to have his 9th baby Mel Gibsons it is Russel Crows and do you no what? I HATE a Russell Crows movies. Maybe you think he is such a good actor. I think he is so shit. He got nominated for an Oscars for playing a retard in the Insider Man so he play the same retard in all his movies now. Same shit everytime. And I want him to die so bad in the Insider Man and I want him to die so bad in all his other movies as well because reatrds are sweet when they are to make me laugh not when they are to try and win Oscars. (Except Arnie Grapes who do both)

You no what else I hate so bad? People.

People like your landlord, Thakor, who has eyes with scary as blood-in-your-shit cataracts who install a peice of shit smoke alarm that fall off a ceiling and cut your head open and then who try to get you to break the law and commit fraud. Or your boss at the cinema, Yoanna, who use the underground walkway behind the building to break into the Pret next door and steal 1 billion BYR from there safe and you cant say shit because she will then get her crazy killer cocaine dealer to murder your two baby boys. I hate them.

Do you no what I dont hate?

The movies of 2001! They were so good! I have such a hard time to pick just ten. I can so easily make two top ten lists but that takes so long of a time and will take so much time away from target practice with my new rifles that the studio buy me to write such a good review of the shit movie Iron Man 2: Full Throttle. So here is only one Top Ten movies list of 2001 that gave me huge boners that I did not touch because when you touch them you are touching the boners of a man and touching the boners of a man is gay if you are not a woman and I am not a woman and I am not gay.

10. AMELIE is not gay and neither am I-
"Amelie is not gay and neither am I" is a movie that so many boys who look like women and so many women that look like boys love... I think they are to call these people "proof Darwin is so right about natural selection"... thats what we call them in Belarus anyway and they all have so many abortions and the boys are always having so much trouble getting boners and they cry so much and there girlfriends think maybe they should try sex with a man and they do and then a girlfriends try sex with a woman and they never have babies ever and a survivals stay with the fittest (aka ME). They love this movie. But so do I. That is what is so great about truely beautiful things in the world like this movie is that there beauty is absolute and everybody has to think so or they are just fucking liars or there soul is dead.

9. GHOST "Can We Call You Weird Al" WORLD-
This is a story of two lesbians who go to a cafe and ask a waiter if they can call him Weird Al and that is so funny. Then one lesbian work at a Starbucks and the other work at a cinema (nice) and then they get in a fight and one of them fuck Steve Buscemi and then he get all weird and is like "I need to go to Fargo to get shot in the fucking face" and he leave and the lesbian he fuck waits for a bus. The End.

8. MULLHOLLAND This Dont Make No Fucking Sense But Those Women Are Having Such Sweet Sex With Each Other DRIVE
Chinese New Year in 2001 was the year of the lesbian. So Mullholland....Drive is a movie about these lesbians who go to Mullaholland Drvie to fuck each other and the writer of this movie is so smart like the writer of Iron Man 2: Full Throttle because he no that if you make a movie that dont make no fucking sense then you win all the Oscars. So this movie dont make no fucking sense and it win all the Oscars. the End.

7. BLO
BLO was the name of the all time greatest band who sings all the songs like Mr Blew Skys and Evil Womans but it was also the name of such a great movie in 2001 with Edward Scissorhands who sells all the cocaine and marrys Run Lola Run and then she dies so he marries Peenalope Cruise and then Pee Wee Herman sells him all the cocaine and he go to jail and gets fat. And the end is so WMC because they reveal to you it has been a horror movie the hole time because the last thing they flash on screen is this. For real... Derrick Forreal

6. ROYAL TENENBOMBSS that are not as good as Rushsmores but still -
Royal Tenenbombs was not as good as Rushsmores but still... There was this movie called a Squids and some Whales were a little kid goes to the library and masterbates so hard and wipes all his stuff on all of the books and now you are like "Why the fuck are you telling me this... this site is for boners, not throwing up in my mouth?" I am telling you this because Rushmore was like the first time Wes Anderson ever cum in his pants... really nice. Then Royal Tenenbombs was like him going to the library and cumming in his pants so much and putting it on all the books... it was a little bit of too much I think. And a rest of his career has been him cleanin up his mess which has sucked so bad except Mr. Fox that was Fantasticating!

5. Yes, BUBBLE BOY, now Fuck Off!-
Yes, I love the movie Bubble Boy, now FUCK OFF! You already no how much I love to laugh at reatrds. I am a terrible persons. I no. You no. And this movie is making so much laughter at an expense of such a retard and also has so many freaks that I love to laugh at as well like I midget and a giant and a Mexican and a Scientologists and a Hindus and a Republicans. Speaking of midgets... I was just telling Snehzana the other day that of all the freaks in all of the world - you see so many blind people all the time and so many deaf people and people in a wheel chairs (SO MANY FREAKS!) but you almost never see a midgets. And I am like "why the fuck is this? I no they exist!" Then I realize it is because they are so short you do not notice when they walk by. (Snehzana just took a boys and drove away in a car I do not no why).

4. MONSTERS INK
Monsters Ink is another Pixars movie and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Can Pixars stop making great fucking movies please? For like one fucking second? Shit. Oh yes, they are going to do that because they are making Toy Story 3. I HATE the Toy Story movies. I dont not no why. I love all the other Pixars movies but I cant not stand these. Toys are fucking toys they are not real and then you grow up and you throw them away. Get the fuck over it.

3. ZOOLANDERZ
Zoolanderz is fucking funny. Is it the funniest movie of all time? I dont fucking no.. Not to me.. But maybe to you. Thats why i hate reviewing comedy movies and I am not going to do them for my regular reviews anymore. Because I thouht it was funny but maybe you wont and maybe you do but think its way funnier than I did so "fuck me" wel guess what? "Fuck you" because Im not reviewing comedys anymore. It was funny. Thats it.

2. WET HOT AMERICAN Boners in the SUMMER
Wet Hot American Boners in the Summer is about a bunch of Jews at Jew camp and if there is one thing that is so funny it is a Jew and if there is one thing funnier than a Jew it is a bunch of Jews and if there is one thing funnier than a bunch of Jews it is a bunch of Jews at Jew camp. Just trust me. This movie can easily have to be number one on the list but the next one is so so so sososososooosososo sososososo sososoosososososososoosososo sososoosososoososososoos sooooooooooooosososooooooooososoosos sosooooooooooo osososoososoososoososoos ssososoososososoosososoos ssssssososoososossssssssssoooooooooo sosososoosososoosososoos fucking awesome that I could not do it. But I wanted to.. So buy or rent this movie and fall in love with Paul Rudd the exact same way i did in a way that is not gay but in a way that is like I am goin to be exactly like you in this movie and those who do not like it can get dumped out of my van by the side of the road.

1. IN THE Fucking BEDROOM
In the Fucking Bedroom is about the guy from T3 and a Oscar winner from My Cousin Vinnys who have so much sex "In the Fucking Bedroom" but were they live when you say "In the fucking bedroom" it means it is you and her and also her ex husband and some lobsters and some super fucked up shit happens that I do not want to tell you because do you no sometimes you are at the gym and you ride the bike and the sweatpants rub against you and give you such a huge boner and you are like "Oh fuck I cant stop because people will see my huge boner but if I keep going then it feels so good that my boner will never go away" You are fucked. Watching this movie is basicly getting stuck with a huge boner you do not want to have but cannot make o away because you have to keep riding the fucking exercize bike and then,,, EXPLOSION!!!

"Four Lions" Flys Planes Full of Laughter Into My Twin Towers of Boners

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Sat, 08 May 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Do you no what is not funny at all?

Terrorism

But do you no what is a so funny subject of a movie "Four Lions"?

Terrorism

WMC? I no. I no. So confusing.

If I had not failed and instead graduate from kindergarden and gone on to all the other grades and eventually go to University I think I would have had a major in Religion. And after I graduated people would ask me all the times "Are you going to become a priests?" And I will always say "No because I major in Religion not in becoming a priests you stupid fuck!" But that didnt not happen so that is beside a point.

People are so ignorant of religion... even most of the people who are a part of whatever religion you are talking about. And so in my attempt to not be such a hypocrite I might study the religion of my parents (Catholicism) and find such a sweet Bible quotes to use in movie reviews. Like this one...

"Do not fear those who can kill the body and then have no more power over you. I will tell you whom to fear. Fear him who has power to destroy both body and soul in Hell." Matthew 10:28

This verse is saying that you should not be afraid of anyone except God because if you piss Him off then he will fucking crush you like Dolph Lungrens in The Rock IV. This reminds me so much of "Four Lions" because it is a movie that takes something many people are so afraid of and makes us laugh at them to not be afraid anymore. Sweet! Then there is this one...

"The Devil, like a roaring lion, is going through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Resist him, steadfast in the faith." 1 Peter 5:8

This also reminds me of this movie because it has the word "lion" in it. And did you no "Four Lions" title has the word "lion" in it as well? It is true. But in the Bible verse it is to describe the devil and so I am like "Oh shit this movie title could be like "Four Devils"!" So then I make this poster with the four most evil and terrifying devils of all time...

Yes, you have guessed it: Sarahs Silverman, Anderson Coopers 360, Rosie O'Donnell Monster, and Dane Cook - the guardians of the four quadrants of Hell

So "Four Lions" is about how even people we are so scared of are not really all that terrifying after all and are even kind of stupid fucks just like us and maybe even so much that we should feel sorry for them because they dont even no what the fuck they are doing. Like when Jesus is on the cross and telling God to forgive all the Jews because they dont no what the fuck they are doing but then Mel Gibsons is like "Shut up Jesus! You dont no what you are talking about. There is no way God should forgive them!"

The story is about three Arab guys and one white guy who are Terrorists because they are Muslim and think that is the best way to get to Heaven. And they come up with a plan to blow people up (and themselves) to be martyrs and hilarious things ensue! The white terrorist who should win all the Oscars comes up with a plan that is so fucking evil and genius and it make you think about 9/11 a little bit maybe.

I no that is such a short descriptions and you might be like "this fuck didnt even not see the movie" but I did and so did Emmanuel who go to the parent/baby screening with me and you can ask him. The reason I do not want to tell you more is because this is a comedy and many of the funny parts are in the shit that happens and I do not want to ruin the jokes for you but trust me. It is so funny. Many people who do not no any Arab Muslims (Americans) may think this movie is so fake but I can tell you that it is not so fake. My friend from work Walid is a Muslim who is always telling me about Islam and promise me that when the Muslims decide to take over Europe that he will make sure they will not kill my family and these characters are almost exactly what he is like. They mean well. They really do - but are so misguidanced. And then the news makes everyone think they are evil crazy killers but they are not but then people tend to live up to expectations and this movie examines that but I dont no what that means because I heard someone so smart say it when they were walking out.

There is so much to be said about this movie and so many analyzings to be done but by people way more smarter than me. All I will say is that you should go see it because it is so fucking funny and its like if Ali G take all of his characters and make them into terrorists to blow people up in a movie.

This movie is very British. But I love British things and I love to stick my boners in them (did you no my wife Snehzana is British?). And this movie is something I think all people should stick there boners in because it is very unique and very brave as well because it is so obvious that all the Muslims are going to kill everyone involved. Because my wife is half-British but also half Iranian... that mean she is half-terrorist (this will mean different things to different people) and so when I tell my mother-in-law who is the Iranian half about this movie she grab her AK-47 and weapons grade uranium from the closet and go to find all of the actors and costume designers because "fuck those infidels!" (her words not mine).

So yes, this movie is very funny but also very serious and would make someone not allergic to thinking like I am think very much about things.

"Two Boners Way Up!"©

Machete Makes His Tacos With A Secret Sauce: YOUR BONERS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Wed, 05 May 2010 10:33:00 +0000

Did you no I am Belarusian but also half Mexican? It is true. And today is such a special day for all of a Mexicans. It is a Cinco of the Mayo when everyone in a world gets so drunk and eats so much mayo to celebrate how all the Mexicans kick the shit out of Spain in a battle so they can make there own country that is so awesome and has so many sweet kidnappings and murders and povertys that everyone wants to leave and be in a USA. VIVA MEXICO!!!

Did you also no there is so much crazy shit going on in a USA right now and they are finding all the Mexicans and killing them? Its true. Why are they killing all the Mexicans you ask? Because when Obama gets elected he free all the black slaves and give them all of the money. So the Mexicans see such a opportunity and come over and say "We want so much to be your slaves now! And you dont ever have to free us or give us all the money." And all the white people are like "Fuck you because that means we have to learn so much Spanish and that is so hard - we will rather play so many video games instead!" So now they kill them. Smart.

So "Machete" is a true story of a Mexican who is like "Fuck you - you dont kill me... I kill you!" And he kill everyone. All of the Oscars voters love true storys so this movie is going to win at least five of the ten best picture Oscars this year and Predators and Solomon Fucking Kane will have to split the rest. All of the worst picutre Oscars will go to Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D and Iron Man 2-D: Full Throttle.

So Robert Rodriguez come to Belarus yesterday to drop off this video for me to share with everyone for Cinco of the Mayo and we eat so many tacos together with so much mayo on them to celebrate but then we watch this and I realize it was not mayo on the tacos but my own boner juice. There was so much! And now you will see why...

Remember when Jesus go to Heaven and he say "I will come back one day riding a motorcycle with a gatling gun on the front and kill all the bad guys and also Steven Seagull and Cheech and Jessica Albas and Lindsey Lohans and Robert Deniro will be with me with sweet shotguns and machetes and killing everyone too"? Its in the Bible... Well this movie is what he was talking about. And we all have to see it because so soon after he is going to take us away on his spaceships to live with L Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise and all the Mormons and all of the 27 virgins we get on Mars. Religion!

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2002

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 03 May 2010 12:25:00 +0000

Usually when I make a top ten list I have to leave out at least three or four "Two Boners Up"© movies. 2002 is a only year that I end up with exactly ten. This is because there were only ten movies released in all of 2002 because everyone was so busy finding so many WMD's in Iraq. There were so many! And thats why we all have to make so many sweet fucking explosions on all of them. Did you no that we have exploded over 100,000 Iraqi civilians since we find the WMD's? High Five, Team America! High five, Team World!!!

But even more than I love 100,000 civilian deaths, I love these 10 boner making movies of 2002. How is that even possible right? (death = sweet) That is because each of these movies is like 100,000 deaths all on its own so when you put them together that is like 100 billion deaths. BONERS!!!

10. What ABOUT SCHMIDT?
What About Schmidt? is a sequel to a top ten movie of all time What About Bobs? Bobs has gotten so old and has changed from Lost in Translation to The Joker from the suck Batman. Bobs wife who is Doctor Marvins sister Lily is so dead now and he go in a RV and try to have sex with this lady and find out his wife cheat on him so hard. And then his daughter marry a retard and his mom who is a rhino get in a hot tub. The End.

9. PUNCH My DRUNK Balls LOVE
Punch My Drunk Balls Love is such a funniest movie. Everyone no how much I love to laugh at a retards because of how funny they are and God give them to us for so much amusement. And everyone no the most funny of all these retards was Corky from Life Is Going On but then he die and Hollywood need a new retard to make us laugh so much so they pick Adam Sandlers. And that was such a good choice! So this movie is about a retard who fall in love and act so stupid! LOL!!!

8. SINES
This movie is about Mel Gibsons and his brother who is played by Walking Fenix who is a chronic masterbater (how do I no? we can smell our own). Aliens come and they spend so much time making a sweet technology to travel millions of miles to earth that they forget to not be allergic to water and not get beat with a fucking baseball bats like a dumbshits. Smart! This is also a movie that Quentin Tarantinos steal a baseball bat beatings to a head idea and that piss off Mel Gibsons so much in their feud.

7. SPIDERMAN About A Boy
Spiderman About A Boy is about a boy who become spiderman. And he wants to fuck a girl with such a fucked up teeth but he is a scared shit so he fight a goblin instead and his best friend from Freakings and Geekings gets so pissed because did you no the goblin is his dad? And so Spiderman kills the goblin with a surfboard and his friend is so pissed because "not cool Spiderman!"

6. LORD OF a RINGS: a TWO TOWERS
LOAR: ATT was such a best movie of all the crap LOAR movies. I say "crap movies" but they are not SO CRAP. But they are crap when you compare them with all of the cum they make in nerds pants. There was no boobs and like one explosion in 10 hours of movies. I am so sorry but how is that making so much cum in so many pants? I dont not get it but this movie is still pretty sweet and it is about how the helloship walk to drop a ring in a lava but then in this movie they stop to cut off the heads of so many Rosie Odonnell's. BONERS.

5. UNfuckingFAITHFUL
This movie is so intense and also there is a scene where a French guy take Richard Gere's wife before he fall in love with Cujo and bend her over and rape her but she like it and you are like "When did pornos start pretending to be a real movies with good actors and get made in Hollywood?" Also (not that I no from experience but...) if you are wondering if a person you are with is cheating on you - take them to this movie and watch what there reaction is. If they start crying so bad during all a cheating scenes and try to hold you and kiss you: CHEATER!!!

4. CITY OF motherfucking GOD
City of Motherfucking God is crazy!!! Damn! Kids fucking murdering each other and doing so much coke and smoking weed and so many sweet machine guns and beautiful womens. I cant not say how sweet this movie is. And it was so funny because Ben Afflecks come to Belarus to promote Million Dollar Gone Baby Gone and he say he try so hard to make his movie like City of God style and I yell from a audience: "You Fail!!!" and I get kicked out. I was so pissed but not because I am kicked out but because I did not get a chance to ask him my question in a Miss Hennifer Lopez voice from South Park.

3. I love LILO AND STITCH and if you dont you can suck my fuck
I love Lilo and Stitch etc. is a movie I love so much that if you do not love it you can suck my fuck because "fuck you asshole!" Yes this movie is a cartoon for kids but I was going threw so much shit when I see it and it make me cry so hard and I cannot wait to watch it with my sons and Stitch remind me so much of Amedeus who is like a crazy alien most of a time who bite evryone and break everything and do so much karate and make so many explosions and dance to Elvis all of a time. Yes he is so sweet. My other son Emmanuel is less sweet... he is a first one I will sell if we need money.

2. My Boners Are Now FRAILTYs!!!
My Boners Are Now Frailtys is about the old man from Dazed and Confusing who fuck all a high school girls and his dad is Big Love (who also directs this) and his dad see an angel and make him and his brother kill all of the people with axes. Little boys killing all of the people with axes = BONERS. Also the ending is very WMC... VERY WMC... VERY VERY VERY WMC. Like when the Six Sense saw the ending of this movie even it got a boner and then clipped it off with pliers and shoved it up its own ass. Because "fuck me what an ending!"

1. ALI G IN A HOUSE!!!
So you no how Barack Obama was elected president last year? And when it happen you are like "I never thought I will live to see the day a rapper is elected president. How a fuck did that happen?" I will tell you... Ali G in a House happened and opened up all of the eyes to all of the possibilities and everyone is like "Oh shit I can totally see this happening in real life." So after that all the people in the world vote for Obama and thats how it happen. Also Ali G look so silly so that is how people in a UK are like "We can now elect Gordon Brown even though he buys his ears from a joke shop and we can also elect David Cameron even though he look like Iggle fucking Piggle from In a Night Garden." Not only that but this movie is like 50 times funnier that Borat. The End.

IRON MAN 2: FULL THROTTLE

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:45:00 +0000

***Finally my dream comes true and a movie studio buys me a Denel-Mecham NTW 20mm rifle to write a "Two Boners Up"© review for a movie even though it is really a "One Boners Down"© movie. I ask them if I give it four boners up can I have two rifles and they say "yes" and I say "sweet!". So here it is my "Four Boners Up"© review of Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights***

Remember how when you saw Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle for the first time before you watched it 200 more times because its so awesome and you were like "I wish all the sequels of movies I love so much were exactly like this one"... remember how you said that? Well the makers of Iron Man 2-D hired the most crazy psychic in the universe to read all of our thoughts because that is what they give us.

That is why at first before I see this movie I call it Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights but after I see it I now call it Iron Man 2-D (it is not in 3-D! YES!): Full Throttle because it had the exact same effect on my boner as the all time classic best movie ever Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Remember how when you watch Iron Man 1-D and you are like "I so wish this movie had so much less action and way more talking like I am watching a documentary about a day in a life of Steve Jobs for the first hour"? We all were thinking that and the psychic they hire no's that so in this movie that is exactly what they give us... thank my shit.

So in a beginning there is Russia and then there is a credits and then Sherlock Homes fly into a Justin Timberlake concert just like in a previews and he talks to all of the people about how he fucked up so much terrorists shit with his sweet fucking suit and killed all the poor people in Darfur. This was such a great scene because instead of showing him do all of these things like most movie making people would - they have him talk about it instead which is so great because I love listening to people talk about sweet fucking explosions and killing way more than I love seeing it.

Then at the concert they show a movie of Sherlock Homes dad and he talks so much as well. So YES!!! MORE SWEET FUCKING TALKING!!! BONERS FOR MY EARS!!!

Then Sherlock Homes and his body guard who go to the same acting school as Jimmy Fallon where they teach you to laugh during all of your scenes to make them so much better (which I love) are in a car and a so hot woman talk to them and tell them to go to Washington DC. This scene is awesome because... guess why... TALKING!!!

Then Sherlock goes to Washington to talk to Billy Crystal who is half-man half-frog now and will win all the academy awards for make up this year for his crazy frog chin that made me throw up five times on the person sitting in front of me. So this scene is so great like the others because they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and then Mister Watsons who is black like in the first one but now has such a sun tan comes and he talks and talks and talks and then Billy Crystal gives Sherlock Homes a middle finger and thats it.

Then Sherlock Homes drives in the Grand Prix in Monaco and The Wrestler comes from Russia with whips and cuts all of the cars in half. This scene is awesome because in most movies they will try to be so realistic and have the police who are standing around with machine guns try to shoot him but not in Iron Man 2-D because they are like "fuck you - we dont not play by the rules of a real world and we dont have to try to make any sense because we have no respect for anyones intelligence!" So I love that attitude because making sense and respecting peoples intellignce is so stupid and everyone who loves Transformers 2-D so much like me no's that making sense dont mean shit about making a greatest movies of all time. Well Iron Man 2-D is like Transformers 2-D except like at least 2 times better. How is that even possible right? Go take care of your boner and come back to read the rest...

Okay your back but get ready for more boners because...

Speaking of Transformers 2-D... do you remember how when you watch that movie you are like "Oh shit I love so much the dialogue and acting between Shia Labuff and Jesus from the Big Labowski and I wish they had these two together in all the movies from now on." Remember? Well a makers of Iron Man 2-D thought the same exact thing and made it happen. There were so many times I closed my eyes during this movie and I could not tell if I was seeing a Iron Man or a Transformers movie... I know I know - your boner is blocking the screen right now. Mine too. Lets go take care of that and come back.

Im back. Your back... I will try so hard to not make that many boners from here on but its so hard with such a great movie...

The race scene kind of sucks because it takes so much time away from the sweet talking and the writer who is going to win all of the Oscars because he makes such a complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense (and everyone no that a so complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense = Oscars!!!) - he makes sure to have so much more sweet talking after this to keep everyone happy.

Then Sherlock makes eggs for Ben Afflecks girlfriend and make her the boss of his Private Eye company because he is dying from iron poisoning then Snooki Johansson show up and she dont get naked or fuck anyone like in all her other movies thank my fuck because then that would take away from all the sweet talking.

Then Sherlock get drunk at his birthday party and he and Mister Watson fight and cross the streams of there proton packs and make a nuclear explosion and then Mister Watson steal a suit and puts a gatling gun on the shoulder. Then Iron Man reenacts a coffee shop scene from Pulp Fiction with Samuel LL Cool Jacksons who is playing a same role as he was in Pulp Fiction because they are to bring all of the greatest movie characters from all time together for the Avengers and Iron Man 2-D is very much like a 2 hour commercial for the Avengers which is so sweet because you no how when you see a commercial you are like "I wish this commercials would last for two hours instead fo 30 seconds because I love commercials so much" ? Well once again the psychic told the Iron Man makers what you are thinking and they make it come true. So LL Cool Jacksons and Sherlock talk and talk and then he give Sherlock a shot in his neck that make any suspense about him dying from iron poison go away and that is awesome because I hate suspense.

Then Sherlock scans a map of Disneyworld into his computer and creates a new science element to make him not die anymore and you are like "why the fuck are they showing this it is so long and boring?" But then he uses Captain Americas shield to hold up the mini particle generator he makes in his garage and you are like "oh shit im so stupid, they made this 30 minute scenes to give all of a nerds in the world a two second boner to see a so awesome Captain America shield. SCIENCE!!!"

Maybe you are thinking this is not so much talking and there is action we all hate in comic book movies. You are so wrong because in between all of this The Wrestler and Norman Rockwell talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and it is so funny because Norman Rockwell have his performance from a first Charlie Angel movie photoshopped with the same technology they use to put President KFC into Forrest Gump to put him in this movie (including his dancing) and creates so many boners because that is such a classic character of all time that we all want to see over and over and over again. Nice work Iron Man 2-D makers - just when we think you cant think of anymore ways to give us boners YOU DO!!!

Then The Wrestler tells all the robots to kill Iron Man and then Sherlock and Watson kill all of them and it is great because instead of being so exciting (exciting = boring) it is more like a 15 minute step by step video tutorial of how to do all of the moves on the video game but the video game is going to suck so hard because it is going to be like all of the so boring 30 minutes of action scenes and none of the two hours of talking that make this such an awesome movie.

Then Snooki and the fat body guard break into a Kinkos and it is so awesome like an episode of the all time best show "She Spies" except everyone no's you cannot ever make anything as good as "She Spies" so they dont not even try to make it look as good as that. Smart.

Then The Wrestler fights Iron Man and Mister Watson with his whips and you are like "Oh fuck this is going to take so long and there will be no more talking!" But the makers dont let this happen and you never wonder whether they are in any danger because the fight last about 2 seconds and Sherlock and Watson cross the beams of there proton packs like at the birthday party (Genius Screenwriting Oscar goes to...) and it is over and Iron Man flys Ben Afflecks girlfriend to a roof and they talk and then they kiss which is so sweet because it was like when Mulley and Sculder kiss on X-Files and all of there sexual chemistry is now gone and you are like "YES! That was way too much sexual chemistry for me to handle!"

Then Sherlock talks to Samuel LL Cool Jacksons again and then Thor's hammer is sitting in the desert.

The End.

You no this is the best movie ever because my wife love it so much and say "It was so fun!" and her favorite movie is "Love Actually" so obviusly she no's a bad ass movies when she sees one.

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 09:22:00 +0000

Yesterday so many people (500) come to visit my site and I dont not post anything for so long so I am so shocked by this. Someone must have emailed a link to some friends and everyone reads it and pass it on and thats how. So I guess I should write something new for people to read. So here is another list of movies that will probably give you boners unless you are a bitch and they will make you say something like, "This is stupid... lets go see The Backing Up Plan instead." If that sounds like something you will say one day: FUCK OFF!

It is hard for me to be excited about movies right now because 2010 so far has been the biggest pile of shit year for movies in a long time. Yes, Solomon Fucking Kane is sweet but really that is a movie from last year and Kick-Ass was so awesome too but these are just two movies of so many shit ones that are good. Tomorrow I am to see Iron Man 2-D 3-D: The Dark Nights and hopefully that will make me so excited again to write about movies.

2003 -

10. CABIN I just barfed because she shave off her skin in a bathtub FEVER -
CIJBBSSOHSIABF was such a surprising movie because when I see all a Belarusian commercials on TV for it there are no Roger Eberts two thumbs up reviews but instead reviews from Peter Jacksons, Stephen Kings, and Quentin Tarantinos saying I am to see this movie. I dont no what to do so I say "okay" and that was such a smart move on my part because this movie is so sweet. Like how when you watch a show "Boy Meets A World" and you say "I wish so hard his best friend will get a Cabin Fever and die so hard." in this movie that happens and also "PANCAKES!!!"

9. KILL BILL VOL. 1-D: Blood Hurricane in a massage parlor-
His feud with Mel Gibsons is always making Quentin Tarantinos so depressed. After Gibsons wins all the Oscars ever with Braveheart Tarantinos gets so depressed and spends seven years in tibet growing so many beards and climbing on mountains to get an idea and then he think "I shall have a bride do so much sweet Crouching Tiger anime and spray blood all over a massage parlor. The End". So thats what happen in this movie and its pretty sweet but its no blood hurricane like Gibsons response A Passion of a Christ is a blood hurricane.

TIE

8.1 BADass SANTA-
Bad ass Santa is sweet because it has so many freaks like a husband of Angelina Jolies and a midget who is black and a retard who is a ginger and woman who used to be a man on Dharma and Gregs and the dad is Problem Childs who is so dead now... SO MANY FREAKS!!! And I am so in loving with a good freak show. There is so much good bad languages and sweet guns and grandma who make a sandwich and fucking and Christmas.

8.2 ELF -
Elf maybe is not a tie with Bad Santa. Maybe it is better. This movie is so funny to me and that is all. I hate to review a comedy movies because what a fuck can I say except "I think this shit is so funny!" People who are to analyze a comedys and say it has a allegorys for this and a symbolism for that are really trying so hard to give you a metaphor for how they are gay.

6. LORD OF A RING: RETURN OF THE KING and his 500 endings
LOTR:ROTKAH500E was kind of sweet because you are like "Finally these movies are going to be over an I will not have to pretend anymore like I am so excited they are coming out and that they are so good." Because they are good but not SO GOOD. Did I tell you I saw Eastern Promises who is the King in this movie and he walk past me the other day? I did and he looked so happy talking with his friend and that made me happy because sometimes he records poetry on an album and it is so terrible and sad that you are like "Oh fuck suicide is not so far away for this one." But I am happy to report that he is doing great.

5. Dream Catcher that I only see to watch ten minutes of ANIfuckingMATRIX -
I no I should review Dream Catcher but I have to be so honest and say I left after I see the preview for AnifuckingMatrix before Dream Catchers even starts. So this reivew is really for AnifuckingMatrix which really didnt come out in a theater but on bootleg DVD instead but still part of it was in a theater. Anyway AnifuckingMatrix was so sweet and I still watch it all of the time but it makes me so sad when I do because you no how the last two Matrix movies are like when your mom looks you in the eyes and say "I guess some children are just crosses to bare"... you no when that happens? Thats how the last two Matrix are: crosses to bare for the Heaven that is the original Matrix and if the OG Matrix is Heaven then the AnifuckingMatrix is the 27 virgins you get to fuck all the time in Heaven. Except there are only 9 virgins but still they are so hot.

4. X2 yes Wolverine finally stuck his claws into so many people to kill them!
X2 etc. is so sweet because Wolverine finally sticks his claws into so many people to kill them and also he fuck Mean Gene Gray and Mystical Romaijn-Stamos and yes it is now okay if you use your boner to scroll down the rest of the page because I am using mine to type this right now because when I think of this movie is gets so big that it grows its own arms and hands. There is defintely so much gayness in this movie because it was directed by the gay who made the gay Superman movie so he trys to make half of this like X290210 and have so much teenagers and feelings but then a dam breaks and all of that things drown dead until X3 when they come back and "fuck you Hollywood!"

3. UNDERfuckingWORLD-
I no I am being so lazy with my titles today but I am so depressed about all of the crap movies this year it is so hard to be a reviewer at this time. UnderfuckingWorld is so much like a Matrix to me in that it has so much sweet mythologys and it was at the beginning of all this vampire bullshit that makes me barf so hard. And I am so excited because you no they are going to take it so many sweet places like The Matrix and X-Men and Hellboy but NOPE. Just like all three of those things they screwed it up as well because "fuck you Hollywood with no fucking imaginations relying on your Obama-style think tanks and group test-studys to make all of your decisions because you care only about appealing to a lowest common denominstrators and making money and not about telling quality storys that will endure a test of time. Fuck you all because I loved fucking Underworld and you ruined it."

2. Finding fucking Nemo -
Finding fucking Nemo is Pixar and blah blah blah I say it all the time but I never really review them until now. Finding fucking Nemo is the best father/son movie ever made. Period. Maybe you think there is a better one. You are wrong. Also you are stupid. And also you are fat. And ugly. Finding fucking Nemo is such a social commentarys on how it is to be a father and raise a sons in this polluted ocean of a world we are living in now. Our desires for material things has made men like a women and we treat our sons like a bitch and then they hate this because they are men and are not supposed to be like a bitch and so they run away and end up getting trapped in a fish tank of bat shit craziness with Willam Dafoe. And thats all before they turn five. The rest of there life you as a dad have to go on a long fucking journey of trying to undo the damage done by generations of bad decisions made by your father and his father and his fathers fathers that have buried what true masculinity really is and that journey is great and its also really hard and filled with so much sadness but if you love your sons you have to go on it because otherwise a pelican might not hear your story and fly to the dentist office to tell your son and he wont have a motivation to get out of the fucking fish tank. So you have to do it.

1. T3 that was not in 3-D but still
T3 was not in 3-D but sill... Remember how in the Matrix 2-D they have that chase on the freeway and you are like "Oh shit this movie sucks so hard but that was really fucking sweet like maybe the sweetest chase I see in so long!" Remember how you say that? Well then later that summer you see T3 and they have a chase that is like that chase except about a million times better and LOUDER! I love good sound in movies so much and this movie had such sweet sound. Also the ending is very WMC (what my cock?) and you dont expect it but it is sweet because it leaves such a great window to continue this sweet mythologys in new and interesting ways but then Hollywood and McG come along and fuck it all up and make Terminator: Rise of the Audience to Get There Money Back. Seriously. I no some people talk about rising up against there government to overthrow them. Maybe we should be talking instead about storming the offices of all the Hollywood studios with sweet fucking guns and grenades and taking that shit over instead. Fuck these bitches! Also in T3 the bad terminator is a so hot sexbot and kids get shot in the face so much.

Musical Inspirations to Write a Hit Fucking Children Television Show Episode to

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:49:00 +0000

*This post has a lot of video embeddings so if you are using a reader they may not show up and you have to go to the site instead. What a fuck do I no?

What up. So I have my Tickets for Iron Man 2-D 3-D: The Dark Night on IMAX for April 29 at 12:30PM and also I am taking Emmanuel to see The Ghost this Friday so I will have some sweet fucking shit movie reviews for you very soon. In a mean time I am to write two episodes of a popular children television show here on a Belarusian Broadcasting Corporation to make so much money and make my sons stars.

So I have not much to write for you. So I think "What can I write for you?" And then I remember that I break so many of my rules this week and review a TV show and pretend I have a dream that I read a biography of Howard Huge one time and also hypothetically recommend reading "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon as a joke and so a only rule I do not break yet is talking about music.

(Some people email me and say I forget video games and comics and I say "fuck off nerds" because thats kid shit and this site is for a grown ups)

Like I say I am writing somethings that are very important as a job but sometimes even when you are such a great and famous writer as me it is so hard to start writing. This is probably very shocking for you to read. But it is true. So what I like to do to get me so excited to write is listen to all the best music and like I say before that is Ace of Base, Sarina Paris, Alice DJ, and Technotronics. But one time I was at a kareoke and I sing "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy like I always do and a DJ whose name is Satan say "Do you no there is so much music made after a year 2000?" And I say "No." And he say "Do you want me to show you?" And I dont no what to do so I say "okay".

And he play so much fucking music that blows my fucking mind.

Like did you no that you can make music without using a computers? Yes, I thought this was a lie as well but it is not. There are things called instruments that people blow and stroke and make music and most of these people are so gay and such a bitch but sometimes very rarely they are not. And these ones make music even better than Ace of Base... I am serious!!!

So I listen to this music and it puts so many pictures in my head like a movies and then I can write.

Before we start... this is what I listen to every morning when I wake up just to get me ready for the 24 hour beating Im about to take in the fucking battle that is life...

Are you ready now? Im ready!

When I am to write for children I like to start with something like this because it make me feel like I am to walk into such a magic place where so much cool shit is about to happen...

Then it is time to turn that shit up because kids have so much energy and like to get fucking hyped...

That last song has so much energy and energy is good but it is also good to relax a little so this is like Chimay for your ears...

And so you are feeling kind of drunk now and you go to a dark places when you are drunk and that is good sometimes because a world is not always bright and shiny and children need to learn this and that is why all the moms and dads die at a beginning of Disney movies so this song kills all the parents...

That was from the best album of 2009 "200 Million Thousand" by the Black Lips which is there prediction of how much Avatar movie would make and of course they were right. The album is so good but I cannot post all of the songs so here are some more to help you see that you need to illegally download this album now because its like if Quentin Tarantino made music with people getting hit in the head with guitars instead of movies with people getting hit in the head with baseball bats
The Drop I Hold - Black Lips
Short Fuse - Black Lips

Then I like to pick things up again with a woman who used to be a daughter in Troop Beverly Hills movie and is also the best concert I have been to in so long...

Maybe you need romantic inspiration for your childrens writing and nothing is more romantic or sensual than Usher...

By this time your wife is going to ask "What a fuck you are doing dancing naked in a living room? I thought you were writing" So now it is time to put on some music that with scare your wife away. This song works everytime for me and also I love it...

Now is time to lighten things up so that your writing does not make all the children want to commit suicide but also you want your wife to stay out of the room so this song is the perfect way to do that...

Uh oh maybe your wife is thinking it is safe to come back in because that song is not so bad to her. You need to send a clear message that it is not okay and this song will annoy her so much to make her leave the house but is also very creative and will maybe bring out the child in you...

So the kid in you is awake and dancing and you want to keep it that way and normally you would put in Kimya Dawsons "Remember That I Love" but mother fucking Juno stole all the songs from your dreams and you wallow in your inability to ever act on your inspiration before someone else inevitably puts something similar into the world - so you listen to this instead and hope it will paint pictures of other writers and artists putting guns to their heads and pulling the trigger so no one can rob you of your dreams ever again...

(That's Laura Marling who has a new album out now that you should also illegally download now)

Now it is time to get to work and you send yourself off with something to get the blood flowing again to your boners and what better music than this? It is like a Iron Maiden song performed by actors and also is from a play that Matt Stone and Trey Parker are obviously heavily influenced by. And who writes better things for little children to watch than those two?

And that is why all of your children have the middle name "24601"

So now you're ready to write what will be the next "Igor the Explorer" hit kid TV show. Remember... when movies and music mix amazing things happen...

Very amazing things...

It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer!

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2004

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 10:37:00 +0000

2004 movies is so hard to describe. The ones that kick ass kick ass so hard. And the ones that lick ass lick so much ass.

I can only describe it as if you are to wake up and the sun is shining and the day is so beautiful and your boss at the cinema calls and tells you to take the day off and also you get a raise and then your wife dont look like a Freddy Krueger anymore and your kids do not kick you in a balls and run away laughing anymore and you win a lottery and you go to the Academy awards and win all the awards and instead of a Oscar they give you a grenade launcher... That's only a beginning of 2004.

The rest of 2004 is like driving home from a Oscars in your new lambourgini with your wife and kids who you now love so much and then your wifes sucessful ex-boyfriend crash his car into you (Troy) and your wife get out and start having sex with him on a hood (Shrek 2) and tell you the kids are his (The Notebook) and then the kids take ninja stars and throw them into your balls (Scooby Doo 2) and then all of the kids you used to make fun of in grade school are now UFC fighters (The Punisher) and they beat a shit out of you (Meet the Fockers) and not only are they UFC fighters but also rapists (Shark Tale) so they rape you (The Terminal) over and over (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason) and over and over (The Stepford Wives) and cut off your penis and make you suck it (Wimbledon) and video tape it (Catwoman) and put it on Youtube (Oceans Twelve) and it becomes a #1 most loved video of all time (Crash) and then Jesus come down from heaven and during a final judgement piss on your head (Garden State) and send you to hell by yourself (National Treasure) while everyone else go to heaven (Jersey Girl) and the only thing to do in Hell is watch Wicker Park forever (Wicker Park).

That is basicly what a movies of 2004 are like. But hey at least the first part of the day was so good, so let us now remember those.

10. EUROTRIPs
Mi scuzi... but this movie is so funny to me. And after Matt Damon try so many times to win a Oscar without Ben Afflecks to prove he is so much better but he cannot do it with acting. Then he sees such losers as Eminem and Phil Collins and Bob Dylan all win for best song so he write a song for this movie and the Oscar for best song of 2004 goes to...

9. THE AVIATOR: Bat Shit Crazy Howard Huge Who Crash All A Fucking Planes In The World
The Aviator is such a sweet movie and you no I do not read books but one time I had a dream I read a biography of Howard Huge that say a Mormons pump him full of drugs and make him sign all his money to them and then kill him and that is how the Mormon church get so much money to buy a Pepsi and a KFC and it was such a great book in that dream I had!!! After reading that book in that dream of mine I see what a sweet fucking acting job Arnie Grape did for Howard Huge and how a fuck did he not win all the Oscars that year?

Three way tie for #8
8.1. THE INCREDIBLES
Pixar... babyz... bathtub... no drowning. You all hear it so many times. I love this movie and as far as being a superhero movies it stand up next to the next two anyday even though it is a cartoon for kids.

8.2. SPIDERMAN 2 Holy Shit!
Spiderman 2 Holy Shit at first is called Spiderman 2 only but then everyone see it and say "Holy Shit!" so now that is an official title. Like a part when Doctor Octopus is at a plastic surgeons and he fucking kill everyone like it is a sweet horror movie? Holy Shit! Have you ever noticed how there is no one alive in the world from ages of 13-16? That is because so many parents took their little kids to see this movie when it came out and they all had heart attacks during that part and died. I had to sweep up so many dead kid bodies at the cinema that month.

8.3. HELLBOY
Hellboy was such my favorite super hero movie when I first see it. I love the characters. I love the action. And I especially love the mythology and universe they create because it is so not like anything I ever see and leaves so much room for sweet fucking sequels. But then they go and make Hellboy 2: The Golden Shower On Our Fans Heads and now I dont like this movie so much as I used to because they took everything I loved about the first one and turn it into piss and dumped it on my head and sang a Barry Manelow song while they did it. And Oscar for a most suicides during a superhero movie sequel goes to...

5. MAN ON FIRE
You no when someone yells at your kid when they are having fun and not hurting anyone and you want to shove a bomb up their asses and cut off their fingers with pliers? Well this is a movie about a man who does all of those things when someone yell at his kid because he is on fire. And that man is Denzel Washington who is so sweet and remember how in Train Days he says "King Kong aint take a shit on me!" ? Well his character in Man on Fire turns into King Kong and goes to his character in Train Days and take a shit on his head and laugh.

4. KILL BILL VOL. 2: Smash a Eyeball in a Toes
Kill Bill Vol.2 is so hard for me to put here because it is so awesome. This is a movies where a Bride gets shot in a fucking chest with a shotgun and is buried in a coffin and then punch her way above ground with her fucking fists! What!? Your heart just exploded onto your computer screen too? Then she pulls Splashed's eyeball out of her head and smaches it in her toes! What!? Your tongue just swelled up and turned into a boner and you choked on it and your dead? Fuck! But this movie is only #4 because of...

3. A PASSION OF A CHRIST: Blood Hurricane
This is a one time Mel Gibsons got a best Of Quentin Tarantinos in their feud. This movie had so much blood and ass kicking that even Quentin Tarantinos cannot make one more crazy than this. That is why Tarantinos go into such a depression after Kill Bill Vol.2 and live in a sandbox with his shit and piss for so many years before he make Inglourious Baseball Bats to a Head Basterds and win all the Oscars.

2. TEAM AMERICA Fuck Yeah So Lick My Ass And Suck On my Balls!
Team America Fuck Yeag So Lick My Ass And Suck On My Balls is exactly a kind of movie I am going to make with Amedeus and Emmanuel. There is sweet fucking action and fight scenes and so much bad language and even a romance and such sweet music and sweet fucking rides and is also about America kicking ass which is so true and I cant not wait to be American because it is a ultimate dream of mine. Also it is very realistic...

1. WHITE CHICKS
Remember back in 1970's when all of the white people make fun of all of the black people all the time and laugh and say they are stupid and drink out of a different water fountains? Well now in a 2004's it is a white people who are now made fun of and laughed at and are so stupid and drink from a different water fountains and this is a documentary about that and it is so awesome because RACISM = AWESOME!!! America, Fuck Yeah!

A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 09:53:00 +0000

So many of my readers EMAIL ME and say "Yo Nikolai - why a fuck are you not reviewing no tv shows or books or musics?" and I am so tired of replying to all of these ones by one so I am to tell you all now.

First, a reason I do not review books is because I do not read them. I have never read a book before because all a people I have ever met who have read a books are so boring and I do not want to be so boring like them... but if I did read books I maybe would read "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon because it has a sweet coverings and it would probably be my favorite book that I have read in so long and I laugh and cry and love it so much. But I dont read so that is this.

Second, a reason I do not review music is because Soren tell me that if I do this then a only people who will read my website are gay men. He say that all of a music I love like Ace of Base and Sarina Paris and Alice DJ and Technotronics are not so popular with a rest of a world and maybe I should stick to things I no so much about like movies and boners. And while it is fine that gay men read my website because I love gay man comedy movies so much... I also want others to read as well.

Third and final is a TV shows. And this reasons has more history but I will keep it short. A short reason is this: We dont own no fucking TV. What the fuck shit fuck balls suck!!!??? Yes I know it is crazy. But here is a reason for that:

Back when Belarus is still part of a USSR and life is shit (but it is more shit now) every citizen get to go a doctor one time in their life... this is one more time than Belarusians get to go to a doctor now in their life. So when I am 8 year olds I go to a doctor and he say that I am crazy as a batshit that land on a head of Gary Busey and have a disease called a paranoia schizoforensics. So he tell me a list of things to do to make me not have this disease anymore and they are:

1. Stop eating so many Skittles and Starbursts for breakfast and snack and lunch and snack and supper and dessert everyday.

2. I have to get more than 3 hours of sleep everyday.

3. I have to go outside and get so much exercize

4. Never watch TV again ever.

So I listen to him and for a months I do these things and I start to feel so strange. I begin to see that people I think are nice to me are really being such mean shits and all the things I used to love like killing animals and starting fires I dont love so much. In other word - I dont not feel like myself. I am so sad to be cured of my disease so I stop going outside and start eating so many Skittles and Starbursts again and not sleeping and my mom was like "Nikolai you cant do these things because a doctor said they make you fucking crazy." But then she see how happy they make me again and she say okay as long as I do not watch TV because I am not so good at telling what is real and what is not real...

So I watch so many movies instead! And now I am normal just like a rest of you!

"Thank you for a history lessons but what a fuck does this have to do with anything mother fucker?"

That is such a great question and I am glad you ask it. I tell you all of this now because A. Like I say before Im tired of writing so many fucking emails explaining it. And B. I go to a cinema the other night and see not a movie but a new American TV show instead and then after they have Jesus and Captain Americas new girlfriend and Captain Americas new girlfriends friends that I love so so much talk to us the audience. And I decide to break my rules and write a review of it - my first review of a TV Show - but also probably my last because this website take me like 5 fucking years to design and it will be so hard for me to change a title to The Fucking Shit Movie And Book And Music And TV Show Website For People Who Are Not A Bitch.

The TV show is called A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner but that title is so long so they call it The Prisoner to save time. So this is what happen. Jesus wake up in a desert and is like "Where a fuck is my beard and my robe and my hole posse?" So he go to find them and he go to the set of Lost but now Ben is Magneto from X-Men and everyone want to fuck with Jesus so they all call him 6. And he is like "Stop calling me that!" and they are like "NO!!!"

They did so much research for this show because they saw A Da Vinci Code and no Jesus was having so much sex with all the women and so they have so many beautiful women in this show. That makes this show so smart and another thing that makes this show so smart is that on the set of Lost sometimes for no reason they have major MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS and everybody die. Seriously I no it is only the first episode I see but this show is bad ass and better at being Lost than Lost is.

I go to by all the bootleg dvds today from Soren just so I can watch it all because it remind me how all the governments are lying to me and trying to kill me and my family and how you cant trust no one and I love this show for reminding me of all that because I had totally forgot.

During a audience questions and answers afterward with Jesus and "the friends" - the person who does an interview mentions all of Jesus other friends who are not boobs that he work with before except for Mel Gibsons and so you can tell this piss Jesus off so he mention Mel Gibsons like ten times and everytime all the people get uncomfortable and change a subject because "How do you even talk about such a genius?"

Speaking of a genius... Oscar this year for best casting of Captain Americas girlfriend goes to a person who choose Hayley Atwell because her pictures are nice but her in real life is even nicer.

The movie "Lourdes" makes my penis fall off but a Virgin Mary puts it back on again

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:43:00 +0000

Yesterday is my wife's 30th birthday and so I must take her out for such a special evening. A 30 year old birthday for a wife is a sad day for all Belarusian men because it means it is now time that you have to get a mistress. Why do Belarusian men have to get a mistress when a wife turns 30?

Here is a picture of my wife Snezhana when she is 29:

So much beauty! So many boners!

Now here is a picture of Snezhana yesterday before I take her out on a town in Minsk:

This is a curse that happen to all Belarusian women on a 30th birthday and so a curse that then happen to all Belarusian men is that they must now get a mistress. It is a law in Belarus. Maybe you ask why I am not more happy about this? Fresh meats right? I will tell you. A reason I am so depressing about being force to get a mistress is because this: WOMEN IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!! and also this: WOMEN IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!

It is hard enough feeding one adult female mouth now there are two and it is also hard enough to spend so much time with one adult woman and not have her murder me and now I have to avoid being in a murder by TWO adult women. Thats why a fuck I am so depressing about this.

So last night I take my wife to a most luxurious restaurant in Minsk. If you have not been to Minsk lately you may think I am talking about Panda Express and that is so nice! But very lately we get the ultimate fancy restaurant T.G.I Friday. This is a place the president and a rest of his mobster friends come every night to celebrate a acquistion of a new mistresses (yes some men celebrate this) and also a false imprisonment and murderings of anti-government protestors... they have so much to celebrate every night!!!

As if the plates and plates of onion rings and nachos, and cheese potato skins and garlic bread did not make Snezhana happy enough I also take her to a movies after and let her pick what we see for a first time ever. This is because I feel so bad about her looking like a Leather Face and me now having to get a mistress.

So she pick a movie Lourdes. I see it is a French movie and I get so excited because that mean it will have so much rape and killing and sex and also it is about Madonna's daughter so it is also about sluts - so many things I love! But this movie has none of those things and it spit on #1 in my TFSMWFPWANAB Manifesto by not giving you boners and making you think about life instead.

Yes it made me think. I cant not remember a last time this has happened but it was a good thing because it remind me why I dont not like to think about ANYTHING: thinking is so hard! Oh my headache. Like drinking so many Chimays. Ouch.

This movie is about a lot of cripples who go to take a bath in a castle and see a Virgin Mary but she never show up so I make a poster for this movie.

Basicly this movie is so boring because you dont no what a fuck is happening until the last shot of the movie and then it all comes together and means so many different things to so many different people and show a hypocrisy and lack of joy in a religious people and how most of us is only loving God so he will do shit for us and a lack of belief in miracles even when they fucking happen before your eyes and also what a fuck a miracle actually is and also what is disease and is it physical spiritual or mental or all three and it look at the community aspect of religion and how sometime in an attempt to belong to a community we lose a relationship with God in a process or gain a relationship with him and also a responsibility and power of that collective community and is even about following your dreams which is my favorite theme (you no this).

This movie is so complex and make me look for a English word to express what I see and I find this: PARADOX - whatever the fuck it mean it mean what I saw. Last night I pray that God will never make me see anything that make me think so much ever again but my wife love it so much and is so happy (and drunk from the beers at TGI Fridays) that we go home and have sex which is amazing that I am able to because she look a way she does.

Miracles do happen!

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2005

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 20:12:00 +0000

I am so pissed right now because my wife and I are having such a fights right now because she think I want to fuck all of the women in the world who are not her. And I tell her this is true and she get so pissed at me. What the fuck!? I am so honest with her how is she not so happy with me?

Yes I want to fuck all the other women (not all but the ones who look very sexy) but I do not. On our marriage day I made the such a huge mistake of vowing that I will be faithful to her and I take my vows so seriously - and also sometimes I love her. So I want to but I do not. And I am honest with her. This is a definition of romance. But now she is pissed!? What the fuck am I to do you ask?

I am to go back to 2005 when life was good and I have a freedom to fuck whoever I want but I dont because no one want to fuck a poor heroin addict who squat in a flat 2 mile outside of Chernobyl. Thats what a fuck I am to do!!!

So here is my top ten of biggest boner making movies of 2005 that is a year of a giant fucking blockbusters that cost more than a GDP of Belarus to make. There was some blockbuster size shits but there was also so much great Two Boners Up© movies to come out this year and I leave some off like CRANK my Balls 2-D, ULTRAVIOLET Boners, INTO THE BLUE of Jessica Alba in a bikini, A PASSION OF A CHRIST Blood Hurricane, and MILLIONS of GBP's. What can be so great as to leave off such masterpieces you ask? Well now a fuck I will tell you:

10. ROBOTS That Dont Drown a Baby in a Bathtubs -
Robots That Dont Drown A Baby In a Bathtub is not a Pixars movies but it still dont not make me want to drown my babyz in a bathtubs when we watch like In a Night Garden does. In fact I kind of think this animatings is very sweet and the story is about following dreams which is my favorite message other than "Film is Powerful and Sweet MMA Moves and Cutting a Heads Off is So Powerful Too".

9. Titanic 2-D 3-D: Avatar ALIENS OF THE DEEP Abyss -
This movie is James Cameron sequel to Titanic 1-D and it is about the killer dad in Frailty who go to Titanic in a submarine and cant not close his mouth like always and say "wow" alot. You can see so much where James Cameron rip off from himself in this movie to use in Avatar and make a glow in the dark miniature golf course for a Na'vi to fuck in. This movie gets so boring so James Cameron decide he going to have two submarines and one gets caught in Titanic and the other has to save it. Thats basicly it but it is a first movie ever in 3-D and also a first movie in IMAX so it is sweet.

8. NARNIA: A Jesus LION, A Scary as Fuck My Balls WITCH, and a WARDROBE
So remember how in Lord of a Rings battle scenes you are like "This shit is so fake I want my money back but I cant ask because I want to pretend to love it so much like everyone else because I am feeling so alienating from everyone else already because I demand more from life than mediocrity". Remember? Well this movie has battle scenes where you are like "Fuck this look so real and it look like they take one year at a times to program each individual soldiers battle moves... fuck I need to go to the bathroom now because there is going to be a diarehea of boners coming out of my ass". Also the albino British witch devil is so scary as fuck.

7. WAR OF THE Tom Cruise and his annoying as shit kids in the WORLDS -
So Tom Cruise dont make good movies anymore. And Steven Speilburgs dont make good movies anymore either. BUT maybe not!!! Because this was like hooking up electric cables to your nipples shocking good. Speilburgs of course made a deal with the devil when he win a Oscar that he has to do two things: 1. Turn his penis into a vagina and 2. Have no more guns in his movies because guns = sweet and the devil = gay. But in this movies instead of changing the guns to a walkie talkies Speilburgs change them to a shovel and Tom Cruise beats a shit out of Shawshank Redemption and kill him so good I had to dry my pants on the radiator when I got home. And Shawshank won all the acting Ocars for this in 2005.

6. A HISTORYs OF VIOLENCE
So this movie is very sweet for all of the sweet bullets going through skulls and so much blood and human death like always. But also for a scene where Eastern Promises fuck Maria Bello on a stairs so hard. Do you remember when Pee Wee Herman gets arrested for having sex with himself in a theater? There were so many Pee Wee Hermans in the theater when this scene was going on.

5. SIN CITYs
This movie is kind of sweet but also kind of not. It actually makes my boner fall asleep a couple times but El Mariachi does all men a favor and put a mom from Spy Kids in high heels and tell her to get naked an walk around her apartment for ten minutes while he film and she dont no what to do so she say okay. My wife did not talk to me for a week after we watch this and for that El Mariachi is also a genius because oh that is a best week of my life.

4. BATMAN American Psychoz BEGINS
Before Batman get all crazy and yell at his lighting crew and punch his mom and sister in a face he is actually a nice guy and he learn karate and there is no Joker with a boombox listening to Prince in a museum doing grafiti. And instead of a Batmobile being shape like a dildo it is like a tank now. And it make Batman like a believable character until I see Kick-Ass and not so much anymore because of how so many boners got kicked into my ass. Now hes kind of a bitch but still.

3. KISS KISS BANG BANG
I love this movie very much and it save Sherlock Homes career. These Sherlock Homes movies are so good and I love how they have a new Watsons in everyone and he can be black or white or whatever they want like they dont give a fuck. In this movie Mister Watson is gay and played by Jim Morrisons who is now such a fat shit but still so sweet in this.

2. Bend Over Star Wars And Take This SERENITY Cock In Your Ass
Bend Over Star Wars etc. is taking everything that was good about the origianl Star Wars (Han Solo) and multiplying it by killer raping canibal zombies and dividing by a Ghostdog Way of a Samauri square rooting from a sexbot that llok like John Travoltas wife I walk to fuck in Jerry MacGuire with a exponent of MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS. George Lucas do a noble thing and commit suicide after he sees this movie and now they have a robot George Lucas to pretend he still alive and he still make some movies.

1. KING Heroin KONG
This movie is a reason I am still alive today. I have never relate to a character so much as I relate to King Kong. Most of a time I feel like a big fucking ape on a island looking at a sunset and playing with my balls. Only my sacrifice from a natives is not a blond woman with a snaggle teeth but heroin. I follow heroin all around a world and climb to a top of a Umpire State building and try to hold on to her but then the bitch that is life shoot me down and I lose her forever which is so great because now I am sober except for the so many Chimays I am drinking right now and I learn English and am a Belarusian Roger Eberts and have two sons who I can make so much money from and have live out my dreams I never did and life is good.

The End.

The new TFSMWFPWANAB rating system

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 10:25:00 +0000

Yo, yo, yo
Hello all of my fellow not bitches and maybe some bitches who can get a fuck out mother fuckers because you are here by mistake... I was gone for so long (one week) and wanted so much to punch a holes in the crotch of your sweatpants to say sorry so I write my fucking shit review for Kick-Ass and that is accomplished and now thousands of people are reading my reviews and not leaving comments again because they are so speechless of how great they are.

So things are back to normal, but I had not so many readers last week except people from Indonesia and Thailand and China and Germany doing google search for "shit movie" and "bitch fuck shit movie" and my site number one search result "child fuck movie"...

This has been such a big reasons why I have been gone. Not only have I been dragging all of your balls to hell, but I am also having my balls dragged to hell because of all the child rapers and shit fuckers coming to my site from a google search. This fuck up my head so bad so I say to God, "Dear God, I no you think I am such a bitch. And this is why you are always fucking me like such a bitch. I finally find so much joy by being a Belarusian Roger Eberts and then you take a holy shit on my joy by making my site a South East Asia pedophile motel. What the fuck fucker!? I hate you so much and if I find Satan I am so selling my soul because fuck you faggot!"

I no this is not nice to say to God but I am such a honest person and he is acting so gay to me so thats what I say to him.

Then the next night God say "Nikolai?" And I say "What the fuck mother fucker?" And he say "Nikolai I love you so much and I no you are feeling so fucking frustrating right now because there are so many sick fucking fuck fuckers who need to die so bad and they come to your site. And I also no that even though you are not fully capable of verbalizing your feelings... or even being able to recognize them... that you are torn because you long to do work that brings joy and beauty into the world but instead seems to bring google searches for child pornography instead. That is very sad for you and I am pleased that you are sad because it means that deep down you desire to do my will. "

Yes, I am thinking a same thing you are thinking "God talk way too fucking much." He said some other things too but honestly it was so boring and there were no explosions or guns or ferraris so I stop listening to him. I dont not no what he say but because he did not kill me for calling him a faggot I think that we are cool now and it is okay for me to keep writing my fucking shit reviews and he will take care of all the Michael Jacksons in the world.

So I am back and this week I introduce a new feature to my site and that is "The Boners Up"© rating system. It work very much like my hero Roger Eberts system of thumbs except it is with boners. It go like this:

For a movies like Solomon Fucking Kane and Kick-Ass I give "Two Boners Up"© (way up)

For movies like Hachi: A Six Sense of Dog Movies and A Serious Fucking Secret of Kells I give "One Boners Up"©

For movies like Star Wars Episode -1: I Love You So Much Giving Me Blow Jobs Obi One Kanobi and A Prophets I give "One Boners Down"©

For movies like Preciouses 2: A Blind Sides I give "Two Boners Down"©

And for movies like Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D I give "Turns a Penis into a Vagina"©

I am thinking sometimes maybe people are so confused by my bad English and dont not no if I am to like a movie or not and this will help them.

*Thanks so much to my Uncle Dmitri for letting me use his picture.

Kick-Ass kicked so many boners into my ass

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 07:45:00 +0000

Everyone no's all of the great rivalrys of history: There was God v. Satan... USA v. USSR... and Brutus a Barber Beffcake v. Mr. Perfect

What everyone may not no is that there is a feud raging in Hollywoods right now that is much greater than all of these put together. It is a bitter battle between Mel Gibsons and Quentin Trantinos.

I no this is a movie review site and not a fucking history classes but let me explain how it happens...

It all starts when Mel Gibsons is at the annual KKK Oscar party in the Vatican and he sees Quentin Tarantinos win a Oscar for Pulp Fiction and he like "Oh fuck that mother fucker win a Oscar because he make Bruce Willis slice a mother fucker open with a samauri sword and gave all the voters boners... I will make a movie that slice way more mother fuckers open with swords and I will win two Oscars."

So Gibsons made A Bravehearts and won a two Oscars and in his acceptance speech called Tarantinos such a bitch but they cut this part out from TV so you did not no. But Tarantinos was there and he was like "Im such a bitch? Your a fucking such a bitch! And I will show you this by making a movie that make A Bravehearts penis turn into a vagina."

So he make a Kill Bill and have a Bride cut off 88 crazy fucking Japanese mother fuckers arms and legs and make a blood hurricane in a massage parlor and then Mel Gibsons had to call Steven Speilburgs and have him turn all of the guns in Bravehearts into walkie talkies and also make all of the penises in the movie into vaginas for the Blu Ray special edition. Mel Gibsons was so pissed so he was like "You want a blood hurricane? Ill show you a fucking blood hurricane!"

So he make A Passion of A Christ and Quentin Tarantino see it and laugh so hard and tell all the newspapers because Mel Gibsons dont have no one rip out a eye ball and smash it in a toes. So then he make Kill Bill Volume 2-D and Mel Gibson laugh and say "You dont not have anyone rip out a heart and throw a body off a pyramids in Egypt so BAM mother fucker!!!" and he make Apocolyptos.

Then Tarantino is like "Okay thats sweet but we forgot what this battle is all about and that is winning so many fucking Oscars and everyone no's a best way is to hit a Nazi's in a head with baseball bats to win a war." So he make Inglourious Baseaball Bats to a Head Basterds and win so many Oscars. And Mel Gibsons is like "Oh shit your so right and I lose my way and feel like such a bitch but now you will feel like a bitch because Im going to make my autobiography that will win every Oscar ever including the documentary ones because I will make a movies about making this movies and I am to call it Solomon Fucking Kane!"

First Quentin Tarantinos shit his pants and then he cum in his pants when he see it. And so he say "I will make a movie that make you shit in your pants and cum in your pants also but AT THE SAME TIME like you are having sex in Germany!!!"

So Kick-Ass is Quentin Tarantinos latest bitch slap to Mel Gibsons face with his cock to win all of the Oscars. This movie has a complicated story like all of Tarantinos movies and is so out of order and way to smart for me but I will try to tell you what happens without ruining it.

Obvusly Mister Tarantinos has read all of the letters I send him every week after I get the idea from Shawshank Redemption and he make a movie about little kids slicing mother fuckers open with swords and doing sweet MMA and awesome heat seeking rocket lauchers. Except he dont use my sons in a movie and use others instead because maybe he is waiting for them to get bigger and I understand and it was so nice of him to make this to secretly let me no that I am on a right track the same way Roger Eberts always twitter about Belarus after I send him my daily emails.

In this movie Nicolas Cage has left Las Vegas and gives up alcohol when he find out he has a daughter so he can shoot her in a fucking chest with a gun and teach her sweet MMA moves to be a Hit Girl. I take Emmanuel to a parent/baby screening of this and my poor boy will never have children now because she make him cum so much in his diaper that he does not have anymore sperm left ever. This movie will end the human race because there will be no more sperm left in anyone. And even if not everyone see it and keep some of there sperm then on Halloween it will all be gone because Hit Girl is going to be the only costume sold this year. Trust me. I am telling you a truth. No candy this Halloween - just BONERS!!!

Hit Girl is only 10 years old so this may be a problems in some countrys where you can only lose your sperm because of a 18 years old girl. In Belarus a law is 8 years old girl so I do not feel bad at all.

Did I tell you Nicolas Cage has also killed American Psychoz and is now Batman? He did and thank goodness because you no how Batman is such a bitch with so many feelings in A Dark Nights? Well in this movie Batman has no feelings and kills so many people with sweet hand guns instead of tying them up like a bitch.

Then there is a kid who becomes Kick-Ass except he is related to American Psychoz and so he is a bitch and Nicolas Cage who talk like Batman from a 60's TV show say his name should be Suck My Balls Ass and all the moms and babys in the theater I see it at laugh so hard.

There is a love story for Kick-Ass but only in a way Tarantinos can think of...

***SPOILER*** (so many people tell me to do this when I say something so sweet)
He make Kick-Ass get close to his Mary Jane dream girl by her thinking he is gay and she wants a gay BFF so bad. And it is like every mans dream come true because he tell her a truth after he rub lotion on her boobs and she dont get pissed for him lying to her but instead fucks him so hard like Tom Cruise and the Hand That Rocks The Cradle on the Train in Ferris Buellers Days Off.
***SPOILER OVER***

Also instead of 88 crazy Japanese now Tarantinos make it 88 crazy Italian men who are getting there arms and legs chopped off and this makes me so happy because I no this is going to make many people never come back to this site (but probably not because everyone no Italians cant read) but I am so racist against Italian men. When I go to Italy it used to be they stare so hard at my wife and fuck her in there minds and that is fucked up enough but now when we go they also stare so hard at my sons and fuck them in there minds so I am so racist against Italian men and love to see them die all the time.

Tarantinos is such a genius of inventing new ways to kill people like in this movie he use a machine that crush a car and it is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. My eyes are so sad now because they will never see anything that sweet again. And my boner is so sad because it will never be able to get hard for anything else ever again. never. ever. NEVER!

I gave away the Oscar for best suit with a gatling gun to Iron Man 2-D: A Dark Nights much to soon because Kick-Ass may steal the award this year and when you see the movie you will no why. Tarantinos has made a bad ass response to Solomon Fucking Kane with this movie. Kick-Ass will kick so many boners into your ass when you see it that you will not be able to sit down for about two or three days.

The greateast Hollywoods feud of all time rages on.

Your move Mister Gibsons...

Nikolai завершил суицид

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:26:00 +0000

Привет всем. Я Snezhana. Супруг Nikolai. Я уныл сказать вам что Nikolai умер и Nikolai не может написать о кино больше. Nikolai завершил суицид. Я не убил Nikolai. Я обещаю.

Nikolai полюбил вас очень много и Nikolai был очень счастлив быть Роджер Eberts Беларусь. Nikolai написал письмо суицида говоря мне написать о пленках в памяти о Nikolai.

Так это любимейшая пленка Nikolai: Влюбленность фактически. Влюбленность фактически пленка франтовских, острокомедийных, интересных людей. Люди не досадны. Пленка изумительна и романтична. Когда Nikolai наблюдал пленка Nikolai заплакала бы. Самая лучшая часть пленки для Nikolai была когда сексуальный мальчик приходит к дому Kiera Knightley и имеет карточки для Kiera. Nikolai полюбил ту часть пленки с полностью сердцем Nikolai.

Nikolai теперь в рае наблюдая то навсегда пленки и плача для утехи и влюбленности. Nikolai был самыми лучшими супругом и отцом и кинокритиком. Каждое полюбило Nikolai… Скоро каждое может находиться в рае с Nikolai. Nikolai видит влюбленность фактически ежедневную.

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2006

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 09:05:00 +0000

Oi. I just get back from my time machine to 2006 and my head hurts so bad. This is because my time machine looks like four bottles of Chimay and is full with Chimay that you have to drink it to make it work.

My head also is so hurting because 2006 is such a confusing year for movies. I spend so much time thinking whether to see A Good German or A Good Shepherd... what is a fucking difference anyway? (I see neither one). There are many movies I like this year. So many "One Boner Up" movies. But not so many "Two Boner Up" movies. Here is a list.

10. A SCANNER DARKLYS
Do you no I am used to be addicted to heroin? It is true. But now I clean up my life and am sober and only drink four Chimays a day and sometimes six. This movie is a best movie about being addicted to a drug I think I ever see. Requiems For A Two Sided Dildo Dreams is good but not very real to me. This movie is also a cartoon like in real life and has a Sherlock Homes and a Natural Born Killer and a girl who steals so many clothes in Beverly Hills and go to jail and Neo from Point Breaking. Many boners.

9. NIGHTS AT A MUSEUM
Do you no that I make so much fun of all the people who go to see this movie in a cinema? I did. Then Soren switched a bootleg dvd of Cranks with this on accident or maybe not on accident and it is actually very funny to me. I dont no why. It has so many things I hate like Ben Stillers and Robin Williams and museums but it work for me and I laugh.

8. LEONARD COHEN: I AM A MAN
Leornard Cohen: I Am A Man has a very simple title but a feelings this movie creates in you when you watch are unsimple. I feel so many things and I laugh and I cry I dance and I am in love with my wife again for an hour and any movie that can do that is a crazy magic and maybe it can cure AIDS.

7. LITTLE CHILDREN Big Boners
Little Children Big Boners is about a mom and a dad who have sex for two hours and it is such good sex like in a prono but I hear also it have a story that make it a serious and good movie to people who are so smart so it make you look so smart to when you watch it. This may be a only porno is a world that is like this.

6. TALADEGA NIGHTS: a Ballet OF RICKY BOBBY Brown
This movie is so great to me and I love a two sons of Ricky Bobby Brown because they remind me so much of how I raise Amedeus and Emmanuel to be. They dont not take no shit from no one and each so much KFC andMountain Dew to be strong. There are sweet fucking cars too and a Green Mile giant from No Hold Bars.

5. CHILDRENS OF MEN
Do you no sometimes when you have a sex and your boners get so hard and you are like "fuck I hope it stay like this so long because my wife is going to tell everyone how good at sex I am" and then it dont and she tell everyone how bad you are like she always do? Well this movie has so many moments like that and it has scenes that make these kind of boners last FOREVER like when a motorcycle gang from the Gay Warriors ambush their car and a camera never makes a cut for like ten minutes! You are like oh fuck! That is a longest movie boner ever!!!

4. Mother Fucking SNAKES ON A Mother Fucking PLANES
M'er F'ing Snakes on a M'er F'ing Planes is such an amazing plot that how many geniuses does it take to think of it? There have been so many geniuses in history and never one time does one say "Hey lets make a movie with Samuel LL Cool Jacksons and put snakes on a planes!" Aristocrates never say this, Noah never say this on his Ark, Jesus never say this on a cross, and Edgar Einsteins never say this when he designed the Universe. This is because it is a smartest idea for a movie ever and man have to think so long and so hard to find it.

3. THE DEPARTED: Dont You Wish Marky Mark And A Funny Bunch Is In This More?
The Departed: Dont You Wish Marky Mark And A Funny Bunch Is In This More? is a movies that make you wish Marky Mark and a Funny Bunch are in it more. He is so sweet and talk to everyone in a way I would talk to everyone if I have a gun strap to my chest all a time like he does. And also so many people get shot in a head and splatter on a ground which is all the ingredients doctors put in Viagra.

2. Mel Gibsons APOCOLYPTOS
As everyone no I have such a huge boner on Mel Gibsons. He makes so many of my favorites like Braveheart and Road Warrior movies and Solomon Fucking Kane... and now we can add Apocolyptos to this lists. This movies is a remake of Run Lola Run which is such a favorite of mine except there is no more techno music and instead of Nazis it is about a people in Africa who cut out each others hearts and throw each other off of the pyramids in Egypt and then chase each other threw a jungle and put spikes in each others heads to kill them and have babyz in a hole.

1. LITTLE MAN Big Boners
This movie is a other unsimple movie. You are thinking it is going to be so funny but then it make you think so much of life. Like what will you do if you are looking like a baby and you steal a diamonds and then live with a people and are there baby? What will you do? Also it has such an amazing special effects that make Avatar walk out of a movie gymnasium shower holding its so small penis and crying like a little girl who is a man with a small penis but this never happens to me so I dont not no what I am talking about.

***If you like my fucking shit movie reviews dont not forget to subscribe this week and get a chances to win a t-shirt and a bag that you can see HERE***

Star Wars Episode -1: I Love You So Much Giving Me Blow Jobs Obi One Kanobi

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:22:00 +0000

Before I review Star Wars Episode -1: I Love You So Much Giving Me Blow Jobs Obi One Kanobi I must tell all you peoples I am loving so much how much I am also loving a gay man comedy movies so that you are not thinking I am racist against a gay man comedy movies. This cant not be farther from a truths.

Some of my many favorite comedy movies are gay man comedy movies like Leathal Weapons and Rush Hours and The HangOvers and Cop and a Half. So now you no I am no racist against a gay man comedy movies before i write what I am to write.

Star Wars Episode -1: I Love You So Much Giving Me Blow Jobs Obi One Kanobi is a George Lucas new movie that is an other PreQuil to all the Star Wars movies. They do not say it is a George Lucas Star Wars movies but you no because it is about gays and it have Obi One Kanobi before he grow a beard and move to Mars.

In a future before all a Star Wars movies happen Obi One Kanobi has a name Phillip Morris and he live on Earth.

But we dont not no this yet. First in a beginning of this movie we meet Ace Ventura and he is married to a woman and have a daughter and now instead of having sex with animals he have sex with men like he has a name Tom Cruise. Then he get in a car accident and goes to a hospital and leave his wife and kid and have so much sex with men all of a time and get a little dogs and bys so many gay things to get so many blow jobs. Soon he cannot by so many things so he has to sue so many people to get money and then these people are like "fuck you you go to jail now."

And he say "YES!" because he has seen A Prophets and wants so much a rich gay Muslims boyfriend to talk about deer with. But instead of a rich gay Muslims boyfriend he get a Obi One Kanobi instead and he gives so many good blow jobs so he is like "I love you so much giving me blow jobs Obi One Kanobi that I am only going to get them from you from now on." This is so awesome because I love when movies say a title of a movie in a dialogues.

Then Obi One loves giving blow jobs so much so he is like "YES!"

Then Ace Ventura get a job at a company and play so much golf and go to jail and break out and then Obi One go back to jail and then Ace Ventura dies of AIDS and then he is Obi One Kanobi lawyer and then he go back to jail and then Obi One get out and say "Fuck you Ace Ventura" and grows a beard and moves to Mars and falls in love with Darth Vader. The End.

This is definitly a #4 best Star Wars movie and if you love to see so much men leave a wife and kid and have so much ass raping and blow jobs from men and go to jail and jail is so hilarious like in real life then you should go to see this movie and also you should go to a Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D and kill yourself because that is what I am wanting to do after seeing these two movies. Where is Iron Man 2-D 3-D?

Man you mother fuckers are so hard on me yesterday for taking a shit on Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D but that movie takes a shit on itself by being a fantasy for a fantasy sake with no fucking allegorys or deeper meanings at all you fucking sheep ass mother fuckering Americans who throw all your money away at anything shiny and weird that MTV tell you to. So get off my fucking back and I hope you like this fucking shit review better. FUUUUUCK!!!!

***If you like my fucking shit movie reviews dont not forget to subscribe this week and get a chances to win a t-shirt and a bag that you can see HERE***

Off With Your Boners!!! Alice in A Pile of Shit 3-D

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 01:31:00 +0000

I do not no what to call this movie when I am sitting down to right this.

Do I call it Alice in Boring Land 3-D?

Do I call it Alice in Stupid Land 3-D?

Do I call it Alice in A Worst Special FX Ever Land 3-D?

None of those paint such a great picture of my feelings of this movies so I pick this instead...

In a second place to first place Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D is my title Alice in Suicideland 3-D and a poster would have me with 3-D glasses and a sweet shotgun in my mouth blowing fucking brains all over a place with a subtitle: Off With My Head! Maybe I will make this and post it to www.residentevilgenius.com facebook page for peoples to see there.

Anyone maybe thinking of suicide is definitly not okay for you to see this movie. This is the push over the edge the bitch called life is waiting so long to give you. Stay away. Far away.

So Alice is now played by A Princess Bride who is so old and was married to Sean Penn but still makes so many boners in my pants now my balls are crying because they have not seen a head of my penis in so long. But this is such a teasing because not once does she get naked or have sex with anyone.

Princess Bride is maybe going to marry a ginger who is a gay but then she fall down a hole and get small and then get big and then get small and go threw a door and maybe she is an old Alice and maybe she is not but of course she is because why am I paying 90,000 BYR to see this stupid shit in 3-D if she is not? So not very much suspense here.

Then she goes and talks to a catepillar and a rabbit and a mouse and two fat retards and a Edward Scissorhands and another rabbit and then get smaller and then talk to a dog and jackal who look like my mother in law and then gets big and then talk to a dad from Back to the Future and chick who gets fucked so much in Fight Club and Eyebrows girl from A Devil Wears Prada who makes my penis head hide like a turtle and then she get normal size and put on armor like Milla in a Joan of Noahs Ark movies. And everyone is like, "Princess Bride you need to find a sword to kill a dragon!"

And she is like, "Where is a sword?"

And they are like, "In the so easy to get to doghouse in the middle of the yard where a jackal sleeps stupidasshead because this is where everyone keeps a most valuable objects in the world they dont want no one to get to!"

And she says, "OH Shit of course this is so true!"

Then she gets a sword and yells "Off with your head!" And I am so hoping her 3-D sword is going to chop off my head but it did not and it gets a dragon instead. Then she goes back to a ginger and says she cant not marry him because he is a gay and everyone is like "NO Shit Princess Bride!" Then she trades everything with China on a boat. The End.

You think I am telling lies or I am leaving things out? Go see it then. I dare you. You will see I have told you everything and that imagine what I write but multiply by one hours and forty minutes. That is Alice in a Pile of Shit!

***Tomorrow is a fucking shit review for Star Wars Episode -1: I Love So Much Getting Blow Jobs From You Obi One Kanobi and dont not forget to subscribe this week and get a chances to win a t-shirt and a bag that you can see HERE***

Subscribe this week and win a fucking T-Shirt that will make you a boner giving machine!

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:54:00 +0000

I no. I no, I no, I no, InoInoInoIno I no... I NO!!!

I have been gone so many days (2 days). But I have a very good reasons and I have made a picture for you to let you no where I have been.

This is not me at a beach playing with sand. This is me in my bathroom with shit coming out of my asshole and mouth. That is what I am doing for a last 2 days. My sister in law who dont read this because this website is for people who are not a bitch comes back from holiday in Morocco and brings back a stomach virus that feels like piranhas eating your intestines and turns your boners to diarreha.

So this has not been a good 2 days for me or for my website. And there were so many problems with my subscription buttons and leaving comments for some people but now they are fixed I hope and now is a time for me to get so many readers.

So this week I have a contest. For anyone who subscribes by next Friday a 26 of March 2010 will have there name put in a hat and Amedeus will draw a name and a name he draws will win a official TFSMWFPWANAB T-shirt that look like this:

FRONT

BACK

If you cannot see the picture so good it is one I use here for INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ with A&E running away from an exploding Osama robot that gives 9 out of 10 people boners when they see it.

Above the picture it says The Fucking Shit Movie Website For People Who Are Not A Bitch and under a picture it says Minsk, Belarus because that is where I am from. On the back it says www.resientevilgenius.com - Dragging your balls to hell since 2010. It is so sweet and I cum in my pants 2 or 3 times while I make the design. You can have any color t-shirt you want and any size and any color letters.

There is more...

For all my subscribers who leave a comments this week your name is put into a boot and Emannuel will pick one winner to recieve a official TFSMWFPWANAB bag that look like the t-shirt but is a bag and look like this:

FRONT

BACK

This bag will give the food at the market boners when you go shopping it is so sweet.

And also if you become a fan of www.residentevilgenius.com on Facebook.com you can see a new poster for a INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ 2-D: SUDDEN DEATH that there will be a prenier for here very soon but you can only see a poster for there. HERE IS A LINK.

"But why a fuck should I subscribe to your sweet fucking website that gives me boners when I can just go here and read it?"

That is such an amazing questions and I am so glad you ask it. When you subscribe you get all of your boners sent to your email and in your reader my posts look so much better because there are not pictures of Milla, and Arnold, and Statham, and Lola, And popcorn, and Red Vines, and Chimay, and a Joker, and a #1 movie of all time Wild Things making the pictures and videos look bad. You can come back here anytime to see those pictures and mess your computer screen with boner juice but is much easier to read without.

Also you should subscribe because it makes me feel good about myself and I do so much better work when I feel this way and there is so many good things coming this week. Like a reviews for I Love You Phillip Morris Because I Am Gay that not even Roger Eberts can see yet and Alice In Wonderland that make me want to slit my wrist but so many people see it and a review will help my traffic so much. Also INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ 2 and a Top 10 Fucking Shit Movies of 2006 and many other things that when I think of it all my brain just got two boners that come out of the top of my head and I look like a Viking.

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2007

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:37:00 +0000

Do you no sometimes when you wake up and your dick is so hard that it can cut threw a diamonds and you want to put it inside of your wife and fuck her so hard so that she never call you Mister Small Penis again but you dont because when you tryed one time she said she will call a police because of rape? You no when that happens?

Well a movies of 2007 are the opposite of that. They are when you wake up and your dick is so small and purple and you think maybe you have waked up and you are a 3 years old again and your hole adult life was a dream... a terrible terrible dream but then you look in a mirror and you are not 3 but 29 and you clean up popcorn at a cinema for a job and you have a penis that look like a Smurf.

That is what a movies of 2007 are. So it is so hard for me to pick 10 favorites out of such a shit pile. But I do. For you. Because of love. Love for movies. Love of my dreams of being a Belarusian Roger Eberts. And love of you my fans and lovers of my fucking shit movie reviewing and other things that I do who I want to talk to so much so please leave so many more comments in a comments section and I will talk to you about this movies or Amedeus and Emmanuel MMA training program or sweet fucking rides or sweet fucking guns or Milla or everything in a history of life.

Now for my list...

10. LARS AND A REAL Blowup GIRL -
This movie should be called "A Prophets" instead of this movie because it is about a man named Lars who have an accident that make him retarded and live in a garage. But his accident not only make him retarded but also a genius. And with his new intelligences he figure out that it is so stupid to be with a real woman who we all no is so suck to be with when they are not naked and having sex with you that you do not pay for. So instead he marries a blowup doll and he wins a Nobel Prizes and aliens come and make him king of the universe. The End.

9. STARBURSTS
They make so many movies about toys and video games and comic books it was only matters of times that they also make movies about candys and what better candys than the ultimate favorite of mine STARBURSTS. And they must have had a best food critic ever write the movie because everything that happen in my mouth when I eat them happens on a screen when you watch it. Like Sienna The Baroness want to fuck me so bad and I am about to say yes but I should say no because her STDs will make my penis die which is like the yellow and orange Starbursts. But then My So Called Lifes falls out of a sky and fucks me so hard and saves my penis and I say "fuck you" to Sienna which is like a pink and a red Starbursts. This obvusly wins best adaptation of a candys Oscar that year.

8. THE MISTS that you think is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet
The Mists that you think is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet is a movies that I thought is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet at the end even though the ending is very WMC (What my cock?). This movie has lots of sweet monsters and lots of mists as well that are very scary and I hear there is a black and white version and if you see it that your boner gets so scared that it runs away and never comes back and it is directed by a man who make Shawshank Redmption and a writer is the man who got run over by the minivan and almost dies and also writes a Shawshank Redemption and Cujo movies.

7. BEO...Holy Fuck My Boner Had A Heart Attack Because Angelina Jolies Is Naked And In High Heels...WULF
I dont want to type the title again because there are only so many heart attacks my boner can have before it dies forever and everytime I think of Angelina Jolies in this movies it happens so I wont think of it. Let us forget this movie even exists.

6. NO COUNTRYS FOR OLD MEN But Yes Countrys For Young Men With Sons Who Are A New Dolph Lungrens and Steven Segalls
No Countrys For Old Men etc. is very badass because I am always excited for new and intersting ways people can die in movies and in this one everyone dies when a killer takes a fire extingwisher and blows out there brains with it. That is why I am much more relaxed at work now because I no if any mother fuckers want to mess I can use the extingwishers in the theaters and fuck there shit up dead. Also I get the same haircut now as the killer and people are so much nicer to me.

5. ZODIAC Killers
Zodiac Killers is a very good movie with acting that is good and maybe not so much explosions or sweet deaths that I usually love and no flying lambourginis or sweet heat seeking rocket launchers or proximity mines to kill the zombie aliens that are disguised as naked super models but it is still very good and it has Sherlock Homes in it and I like him and you should see this because maybe not enough people did.

4. 3:11 TO YUMA
3:11 to Yuma is about American Psychoz who is feeling so bad for yelling at a lighting guy on a set of Terminator: I Want My Moneys Back and also for making that movie so he goes to live in a middle of fuck my balls nowhere. Then Hollywood say "We have to make Dark Nights 3-D to make a million thousand USDs. So Gladiator you have to go to a middle of fuck my balls nowhere and teach him how to be badass again and catch the train back to Hollywood/Yuma to make this movies". So Gladiator go and make up a crazy story to get him to the station and along a way teach him to be a sweet killer badass again who dont cry about getting mad at a lighting guy or beating up your mom and sister.

3. RATATOOEY
Ratatooey is a Pixars movies. Pixars movies as you are already noing dont make me want to drown my babyz in a bath tubs when I watch them like In a Night Garden does. This is a good thing. Pixars is keeping my ass out of the electric chairs so they always have a place in the top 10.

2. 300 UFC fighters who kill a million terrorists movie
Everyone who watch a UFCs like I do no that if a USA wants to win the wars in Iran all they are having to do is send all the UFC fighters over and kill Osamas (after INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ Soren tell me Osamas name is not Obamas and that I have to learn because a USA will read my blog and send all the sweet Army Rangers over who will kill me harder than Nicolas Cages in Con Air. So I learn). So this movie is very smart because of that and should be #1 but is not because there are so many naked men which make my boners sad.

1. TRANSFORMER robots that make my boners happy!
If there is one thing my boners love it is sweet fucking rides and giant fucking robots and sweet fucking guns and Megan Fox who turn all the men to pools of liquid cum like a bad terminaotor in Terminator 2-D. And this movies has all those things!!! When Optimus is saying, "Shila put the enerjon cube in my chest!" I am crying so much because Shila love him like a robot father and dont want him to die but it is the only way and this is so much drama and is exactly the kind of movies I will make with Amedeus and Emmanuel one days.

If you are loving my fucking shit movie reviewing and other things that I do then please subscribe and tell your so cool friends because I no from my Google Analyticals that thousands of peoples are reading all over the world but so few is subscribing and leaving a comments (I get 2 yesterday - YES!!!) and I think "Do I do somethings wrong?" If so I will love so much to fix them but please tell me unless it is about my English because that makes so much frustration in me that I get sad and eat all of the Skittles in the house I bring home from work and Amedeus and Emmanuel dont have no lunch that day.

Hachi: The Six Sense of Dog Movies

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 02:03:00 +0000

My wife refuse to go to the movies with me this week because she saw a pictures of Amedeus and Emmanuel I use for INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ and she is so mad for me having to put them online that she take a kids and move into her mom who I hate so muchs house and say she is never coming back. But dont worry because I take so many sweet pictures of the boys before they go so I can make so many more fucking shit movie pictures for you to see about there adventures.

I dont no how many of you have been to a cinema by yourself in downtown Minsk late on a Sunday night but it is a bit scary... even for such a badass who dont need a wife and kids no more as myself. It gets much scaryer when you go into a theater and there is only one other person and he is sitting in a back also by himself. "So this is how I die? A fucking sneak attack strangling/throat slash from behind in a cinema? Thank you so much life. You are not a total bitch ass who screw me so bad over and over... no NOT AT ALL." These are my thoughts.

But luckily he did not strangle me and his ladyfriend show up I am here to write this for you because Hachi: Richard Gere In Love With A Dog movie is not what you are thinking it is going to be. NOT AT ALL. And this is not a movie to bring a ladyfriend because it shock and upset her so much she cry so hard for a last 20 minutes of this movies.

When I go to buy a ticket I am trying very much to let a girl at a counter no I do not want to see this movie. So I say "One for Richard Gere In Love With A Dog movie" and she say "Oh you mean Hachi." She did not ask. She was telling me. As if this movie was so good that it deserve my respect. I am a racist against women most of a time and she was a woman so I think she just like a stupid dog movie because thats what stupid girls do.

But I was wrong. Very wrong. Dont you be daring to call this movie Richard Gere In Love With A Dog movie. You call this movie by its mother fucking name dammit - HACHI: The Six Sense of a Dog Movies. Why is it a Six Sense of Dog Movies? Because Hachi has a most fucked up shocking twist I have ever seen in a movies. EVER!!!

Here I am to be expecting a movies about the love of a man and his dog but I end up with a so fucked up beastialitys love triangle revenge murder movies instead.

The movie start at a train station with Cujo who has been raised from a dead because he was buryed in a Pet Semetaries and now he is looking for someone new to fuck up (you dont no this yet but you figure it out after the shock cock fuck twist that I will tell you about later). So Richard Gere gets off the train from work because this is a year 1999 so cars have not been invented yet. Also it has to take place in 1999 because if Richard Gere had a internet he would be so easy to figure out a dog he brings home is fucking lick your balls and bite your dick off Cujo. They did so much research to make sure this does not happen.

So Richard Gere bring Cujo home and his wife is like "Oh no you dont. Remember a last time you bring a dog home and have so much sex with it?" But Richard Gere says things are so different now and he is not interested in sex with dogs (a lie). Things are very innocent and Richard Gere is not having sex with Cujo or even just putting a finger in. Nothing. But Cujo wants so much more. Cujo try everything to let Richard Gere no. She is so nice and he follow him everywhere and she wait at a train station everyday for him to come home from work. But Richard Gere does not get it.

So Cujo comes up with a plan. And this is where this movie begins to get fucked up... Cujo hires a skunk to trap him in a garage so he cannot go to a train station and Richard Gere is like "Oh shit why is Cujo not at a train station". Then he finds Cujo and the skunk and saves Cujo but they get sprayed like Cujo paid the skunk to do. So Richard Gere and Cujo take a bath together and have sex which is Cujo's ultimate plan of his from a beginning.

Richard Gere wife is so pissed and make them sleep downstairs and Richard Gere is like "Oh shit I fucked up. I cant lose my wife for this bitch." So a next night Richard Gere takes his wife into a bath and have sex and make dog noises and Cujo is outside in a shed and is getting so jealous... so pissed. She will have a revenge... This is where the movie bends your brain over and shoves its movie cock into your brains asshole.

The next day Cujo who has never played fetch suddenly wants so much to play and Richard Gere dont no what to do so he say okay. And Cujo play fetch so hard and so long that Richard Gere have a heart attack at work and dies. What the fuck!!! Cujo no's a police are going to ask so many questions so she pretend like she is so sad and waits at a train station everyday for a next ten years. And this is so smart because everyone believe she is innocent and write a story about her in a newspaper and send her so much moneys and make a statue of her after she die and go to dog hell. Yes. A statue. It is like OJ Simpsons getting a statue at the golf course he is at looking for a real killers. THIS MOVIES IS FUCKED UP!!!!!

The United Nations of Cats should promote this movies so hard because it will make everyone want to get all the dogs in the world and kill them all til they are dead.

It is also a very inspiration movies to me because it look like it is filmed on an iphone and makes me believe so much I can do this one day as this dream of mine but first I need to get back Amedeus and Emmanuel. Also this movie is maybe going to win best special effects Oscar for a futuristic way everything is black and white when we look through a eyes of Cujo. They must be testing new technologys for Avatar movie 2.

If you like my fucking shit movie reviewing please subscribe because maybe if I get so many subscribers my wife will not think I am so much of a loser and come back or maybe just send Amedeus and Emmanuels back which would be better but remember she dont read English so dont tell her I say this.

If it bleeds... If it bleeds it will give me BONERS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 12:12:00 +0000

***SPECIAL UPDATE APRIL 28 2010***
To all of a bitches who come here from Heat Vision blog looking for Stars Wars porn then you are on a wrong page, you need to go here to see George Lucas newgay Star Wars porno with so many blow jobs.
***END SPECIAL UPDATE FOR A BITCHES***

Yo, yo, yo here is a question for you to answer in a talk back section. Will you rather eat a bowl of your own shit or go see a Richard Gere In Love With A Dog Movie? I will love so much more to eat a bowl of my own shit everyday for a rest of my life instead of the other thing but I do not have a choice because I make a promise to you my lovers of my fucking shit movie website for people who are not a bitch.

So fuck you very much for voting for it... even though I am thinking it was Soren going to different computers and voting three times.

I am getting ready to go to a cinema were I dont work to see Hachi: A Richard Gere In Love With A Dog movie because I do not want no one I no to see me. It is so hard for me to get out of bed today noing I am to see a remake of a Japanese beastialitys movie. One thing you may not no about me is that I love sex when it is a man and a woman or a man and 2 womans. I no this make me a racist but I do not like a man with man who is also a man and I do not like a woman who is with a woman who is not a man. And I especially do not like a mans sex with dogs.

I no this makes me such a racist and I am like a caveman from A Prophets movie with this thinkings but this website is to tell you about the things that give me boners and gay and faggoty shits like that do not give me boners and make my penis so small and shrivel up and turn blue and want to hide inside of me so I look like I am a woman now down there.

Speaking of things that look like a woman down there - they have released a new videos for El Mariachis new Predators who tear your spine out and play it like a guitar and it is so sweet that even your dead body is cumming 500 times while this happens movie. And most websites make you go to another fucking website that is pretty sweet but also pretty annoying to watch but I have it here for you because this are the things I do.

It is a good thing that a Oscars now give 10 Academy Awards for Best Picture of all time everyyear because Solomon Fucking Kane is going to win one and this will definitely win the other 9. But did anyone else think El Mariachis looks so scared? This is a man who leaves his wife who look so old for a Scream Boobs who turns your dick to cum just by looking at her. That is a dream of every man why is he not more happy? He must be so scared because this is a first movie he makes for more than $14.

Preciouses 2: A Blind Sides

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:13:00 +0000

Isnt everybody hating when a sequel does not have a main characters you love so much from the original movies? I know I am! It makes me so fucking angry and that is why I make Soren give me my moneys back for dvds like Short Circuits 2 and Step Up 2 in a Street and Speeds 2 in a Boat and XxX: State of a Unions and Jurassic Parks 2: The Lost Pile of Shits. Just typing these titles makes me so angry. Why is it do they do that?

I know why is it they do that. It is to save so much moneys because Steve Guttenburgs and Ally Sheedys and Channing Tatums and Keanu Reeves and Vin Dieselz and Sam Neils and Laura Derns are all a biggest names working in Hollywoods and it would cost so much moneys to have them in a sequels. I understand but it still causes so much anger in me. But why am I talking about something that makes me so angry?

Because Oscar winner for a most fucked up movie of 2009 PRECIOUSES has a sequel now coming out in Belarus that I am hired to do a review for called PRECIOUSES 2: A BLIND SIDES. That title is so much to type so I will just call it A Blind Sides for now.

A Blind Sides is about Preciouseses brother Big Fucking Mike who runs away from home so he dont get pregnant with a babyz from his father like his sister Preciouses. So that means... NO PRECIOUSES!!! I am so fucking angry already and because of that it is hard for me to watch a rest of it with a clear brains. But I ask myself a question I always ask myself when life gets so hard for me... What Would Roger Eberts Do? And an answer that comes to me is "be such a fucking professionals and review this stupid as a hair on my balls movies".

So in A Blind Sides Erin Brocovich has won a big cases and is now so rich and owns a million KFCs and she is also the mother of Benjamin Buttons who scares so much shit out of my asshole. She loves Benjamin Buttons so much and wants him to have all the toys he wants and he goes to a store and cant find anything but then he goes to school and sees Big Fucking Mike and decides that is his ultimate toy that he wants.

This is such a problem for Erin Brocovich because slavery has not been legal since Obama is now president so she and Mister Brocovich find a loopholes that you can own a slaves as long as they play American football and make millions of USDs. And they can thank Lawernce Taylors for this even though I dont know who a fuck he is or what a fuck he does even though Erin Brocovich explains it in a slow motion 3-D presentaion at a begining of this movies.

So everything is going great. Big Fucking Mike has a home. Benjamin Buttons has his toy. Erin Brocovich has Benjamin Buttons who is happy. This goes on for like 2 fucking hours and you are like, "ok I am so glad everyone is happy but can there please be some MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS now or something because sometimes it is so boring to have everyone be so happy all the time"... this is why God creates so much suffering because it make His popcorn taste so much better while He watch us.

Then finally something happens! Big Fucking Mike is to go to a same Universitys as Erin Brocovich to play American football and the United Nations of Universitys is like "I dont fucking think so. Erin Brocovich who is a lawyers and should no all the laws broke so many of them because she buys a slave for Benjamin Buttons to play football at her Universitys." And everyone watching the movie is like "NO SHIT ASSHOLES!" and then Big Mike is like "OH SHIT ASSHOLES!" and he run away to Preciouses dad but Preciouses is still not there so "fuck you in your cockhole assholes" to this movie and Preciouses dad say he is going to fuck Erin Brocovich and Big Fucking Mike kills everyone there because he has Stockholms Syndromes now.

Because he is brainwashed forever he go back to Erin Brocovich and Benjamin Buttons house and lies to a United Nations of Universities and say he is really Erin Brocovichs son and he have a Michael Jacksons accident so his skin change color. They believe him. The End.

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:04:00 +0000

Before when you are sitting at home and your wife or girlfriend or manfriend that is your business and I dont want to no ask what movie from 2008 should you watch you are like "I dont fucking no. I am so confused" and you commit suicide. Now you dont have to commit suicide anymore because here are all the bootleg dvds you should get for 2008.

2009 Was such a good year for movies to me. I had to leave off so many movies from my list. 2008 was a good year for movies to but not as good as 2009 but there are still movies I leave out like Tyson Monster and Man Walking so High on a Wire Oh Shit!!! But this is a best fucking shit MOVIE reviews not a best fucking shit DOCUMENTRYS reviews so fuck you Tyson Monster (just kidding Mister Tyson Monster) and Man On a Wire So High Oh Shit!!!

Who is going to win all the Academy Awards in 2008? Let us find out now...

10. TEETH that Bite of Your Dicks FUCK!!!
This movie makes me be so nice to my wife when we see it. It is a story about a brother and sister who are in a hot tub when they are 3 and the brother try to finger bang his sister but her vagina is like "Oh no you dont!" and it bit of his finger. And a Academy Award for making my boners disappear go to... Then she grows up and bites off so many dicks and fingers who try to touch her you are like SHIIIIIT!!!

9. BE KIND and REWIND
I feel so good about myself when I see this because I still dont have a DVDs when it come out and watch VHS and everyone call me poorboy and poor fuck and gayhead but this movies is about people who still watch VHS and it makes me feel not alone anymore but now I have a DVD so now I dont watch this because they are all freaks to me.

8. LET A RIGHT ONE IN But Not This One You Stupid Swede!
If you like having nightmares for a months then you should definitely see this movies and you will never looks at a children the same way - they are all vampires. This movie is a story about my ex girlfriend Alisha who uses a man to get her so much blood and lock her in a box at night and then when she find someone younger and better she bite your neck and suck your blood and kill you and she can fly.

7. INCREDIBLE police car boxing gloves my penis explodes HULK!
This movie is strange to me because I do not remember the first hour and twenty minutes. I think that American History X is now Hulk Monster instead of Munich Face and he lives in Brazil and does parkour and makes cola in a cola factory and then he needs to have sex with a Elf from Lord of a Rings so he goes to America and they try to kill him with a Rosie o'Donnells but he uses a police car as boxing gloves and then take out her spine and stabs her with it. Go clean your pants now.

5 & 6. STEP BROTHER Man Childs and ROLE MODEL Man Childs who are not as funny as STEP BROTHER Man Childs but still
Step Brother Man Childs is so funny. Asshole brother guy who sings G'N'R in a car with his family won the best actor of a century award for his part and the ending makes me cry and I watch it everyday. Role Model Man Childs is a remake of Step Brother Man Childs and like all remakes it is not as good but it is still good when you need a change.

4. THE DARK NIGHTS
The Dark Nights is so good how is it only number 4? I will tell you. Yes A Dark NIghts is good and American Psychos is very good at being an American Psycho rich guy who use all his money to dress like a bat and beat up people in parking lots. And I love a joker in this movie but can we all finally admit Heath Ledgers was just doing a really amazing impressions of French Stewarts from 3rd Rock of a Sun? Tom Cruise husband is so ugly in this movie but she takes my advice and got so many acting lessons. Good job!

3. IRON MAN 1-D
This movie is a first movie to this movie that I do a review for. It is so good and everyone thinks I am wrong but I love it so much more than Dark Nights because there is light so I can see and a sexy reporter and a sweet suit that does not have a stupid animal on it and is sweeter than a Batman suit.

2. WALL-E
Another movie from Pixars that don't make me want to drown my babies in a bath tubs when we watch it like In a Night Garden does. This movie is about Johnny 5 who cleans up all the trash of Wal Marts and then goes on a space ship and falls in love with a sexy robots who has an orgasm with a plant. This movie also makes my wife cry and yes... I can not walk the next day after we see it because of this.

1. PUNISHER: WAR ZONE the best picture of all time Oscar winner
This movie is so good because it has all the favorite things of mine that I will not say because I say it so much lately and I am bored and you to probably. This movie is like when your boss gets made at you at the cinema and your coworkers all make fun of you because you forget to brush your teeth and your breath stinks and everyone say you had a shit sandwich for breakfast and you are so mad and want to take a sweet fucking guns and knives and kill eveyone in the world. This is a movie about a person who makes this dream come true.

I no these reviews are not very fucking shit this time and I am sorry. My sons are screaming so loud the hole time because I forget to bring home popcorn and hot dogs from work last night so they have no breakfast this morning. Next time it will be so much better.

I got another comments yesterday I am so happy and grateful to all you my fans. I get so many visitors from around the world and have so many subscribers now (4) it is my dream coming true.

As a present to all of you i want to do such a sweet fucking shit review this weekend so I have a quiz on the side of my website for you to tll me what to do and I will do it even if it is chop of my own dick and eat it Alice and Wonderland but I will see Bourne 4-D Green Zone instead.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ

noreply@blogger.com (Nikolai) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:46:00 +0000

As well as writing sweet fucking shit movie reviews I am writing a sweet fucking shit movie to make my sons famous action movie stars in America. And my movie is called "Inglourious Basterd Babyz" and I am thinking it will win all the Academy Awards unless they make Hurt My Balls Locker 2-D 3-D.

My movie will have my babyz Amedeus and Emmanuel on the 9/11 planes and they use the best movie Punisher: War Zone to distract the terrorists on the planes tvs and the terrorists are like "oh shit this movie is good!" because FILM IS POWERFUL is a so smart I cant believe I thought of it message of my movie and then my babyz use the mixed martial arts I am training them with right now to take away the box cutters and cut off there heads. Because another so smart message of my movies is MIXED MARTIAL ARTS AND CUTTING OFF HEADS IS POWERFUL to.

Then my sons also use the pilots training they no because in a beginning of my movie it show them play X-wing video games on a computer so it is believable and they fly to the Middle Easts so they can hit motherfuckers in a head with baseball bats and win a war.

When they get to the Middle Easts they go to a pub and play a games with the terrorists and put on lipsticks to David Bowies songs. Everything is going so great and they even like the terrorists a little bit but then the terrorists see that Emmanuels Arabic is so shit. Oh fuck!

So Amedeus and Emmanuels must put so many bullets in the terrorists faces even though everyone no they never use guns because they no such sweet fucking MMA moves but this is war and all of the bets are off. So then they are like "fuck you Obamas!" but he is like "no, fuck you!" and he transform into a Transformer and climb on a pyramids to shoot a badass fucking shit grenade launcher at America. So then A&E get a bunch of sweet fucking guns and sweet fucking dynamites on there legs and and steal Obamas lambourgini because fuck him its not even the sweetest lambourgini gallardo but still.

The boys run out of bullets and must use there MMA training that I teach them to defeat robot Obamas and then they stuff the dynamite on there legs into his mouth like in T3 that was not 3-D but which is such a great movie that it is in my all time top 10 next to The Godfather 2-D and Starship Troopers 1-D. They run away and then... EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If this movie sounds very sweet to you it is not an accident. It is because I have designed it to be that way. Some of you may no people with so much money and who are looking to be producers on a movie that will win all the Oscars. So now you can tell them you have found that movie and email me and I will give you the address for where to send the checks. I think I will only need 200 million USD (not 300 million USD like James Camerons). I can maybe spend less but then I maybe wont have enough for a Transformer Obama. Without Transformer Obama we can make Transporter 2 moneys. But with it we will make Transporter 3 moneys my promise to you.

I am so excited for this movie of mine and I cannot wait for you all to see it.

P.S. I received my first comment yesterday and I was so excited. I put it into babelfish to translate it but it did not make so much sense to me. But still I am so excited and thankful. Maybe you can leave comments to or ask me questions maybe.