The Gay Dot

The Question of Choice, Again!

2012-01-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

Well, controversy! It appears that Cynthia Nixon has been saying things that have gotten a few people in a tizzy in the past about the concepts of choice and homosexuality. And now, this recent article has brought that all back in to the discussion again. (The money quote can be found in context on page 3 of the article.) I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience,

Version 1 Results of LGBT Mormon Survey

2012-01-07T08:57:00.001-05:00

The first version of results regarding the LGBT Mormon Survey has been released. Contains explanations about the charts released in the prelim results. Please click here: Version 1 of LDS SSA study newsletter now available (Previous reference: Prelim Results of LGBT Mormon Survey )

Reclaiming Complex and Nuance

2011-12-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

This post is about my anger, frustration, pain, anxiety, fear and all that baggage that is associated with my inability to know what to say about my dear sweet friend who attempted suicide yesterday. But before I get into my shit, I want to direct you to Mr. Doodle's: Top 10 Reasons Why I Left the Church Top 10 Reasons Why I Came Back to the Church Feel free to leave Mr. Doodle a comment or

Prelim Results of LGBT Mormon Survey

2011-11-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

UPDATE (Jan 7, 2012): Version 1 of LDS SSA study newsletter now available Some preliminary results are in for the Utah State University conducted LGBT Mormon Survey. Please click here: Preliminary Results of LDS-SSA Survey Now Available (Previous reference: LGBT Mormon Survey)

where no one wants to be

2011-10-29T22:04:00.000-04:00

Why don't I write here anymore? I think a part of me doesn't want to answer that question here. It's not safe anymore. After all this time, all these months, I've realized that I've been bullied to keeping my mouth shut about some aspects of my life. The realm of my mind that needs a voice doesn't have an understanding ear. And I'm sick and tired of trying to say what it is, without saying

Disillusion

2011-10-19T23:30:00.001-04:00

It hurts. When one set of friends talk total shit about another set of friends, it compels me to question the value that I am to people. Especially If someone's value can be so easily tossed aside. So, as I sit in stunned silence for a moment, I am deeply afraid to say anything, and not sure what to say. What I fear, if I do say anything at all, is what my rage will say.

LGBT Mormon Survey

2011-07-05T21:40:00.004-04:00

UPDATE (Nov, 9, 2011): Preliminary Results of LDS-SSA Survey Now Available UPDATE: Survey is closed. Utah State University is conducting a survey for all Mormons or former Mormons who identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender. Go here: Exploration of Experiences of and Resources for Same-sex Attracted Latter Day Saints Click next to read the consent form and more about the person(s)

Those Nasty Recruiting Homosexuals

2011-06-07T18:23:00.001-04:00

I have been meaning to post something about my resignation from the LDS church but life has gotten so busy lately that I've, well, sort of let this blog collect spiders. I'm not really going to disturb the spiders much right now but I wanted to draw attention to this post by Maureen over at My Black Bikini. Since I've already resigned, I don't have much else to do other than go out, proselytize

Spot of Dirt

2011-04-08T19:46:00.005-04:00

I find it really hard to be impressed by a religion that builds commercial centers for wealthy people and invests little to no money in homeless shelters or soup kitchens. Many times my old ward would set up service opportunities wherin we would volunteer to work with another denomination's soup kitchen. All time and money came out of our own pockets. No LDS church funds were ever used to

The Question of Choice

2011-03-12T00:52:00.000-05:00

It took me awhile to become aware of my gay behaviors. But from day one, they were gay. Such as, whom I checked out, crushed on, felt emotional, physical, and spiritual attraction too. They were all gay behaviors. But I didn't see them as gay. I wasn't aware that I was doing anything different from anyone else for many years until expectations from the church told me otherwise. But even

My Patriarchal Blessing

2011-03-03T00:00:00.092-05:00

I had originally set out to do a post about my Patriarchal Blessing late last year but decided to hold on to it until now. I thought it might be an interesting exercise -- if not slightly narcissistic -- to post it on the 20th anniversary of receiving it, just because it's been, well, 20 years. Going in to this blessing was sort of a test for me. I was testing the church, the patriarch and

What Have I Really Lost?

2011-02-26T13:55:00.001-05:00

Over the past few weeks since my big friend fallout on Facebook, I've been thinking about what happened with the breakdown in communication. Why did it break down? And why did it break down so badly? I had a lapse in good judgment, vented publicly some old hurts, didn't use the best choice of words, and managed to offend some, despite the fact that none of it had been directed at them or

My Rejected Ensign Article

2011-02-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

I was pondering once about how everything on earth seems to have a purpose and how it seems to be perfectly designed for our benefit, a good example being the banana, a natural food that is healthy and fits perfectly in my perfectly designed hand on my perfectly designed body. Bananas being a perfect food should be eaten frequently, so I eat a lot of them! But one day, I noticed something seemed

How Not To Love

2011-01-29T20:15:00.001-05:00

I have a complicated ego. (Don't we all?) It shields me from reality, keeping me lost in the sea of its preconceived notion of itself. And then shields me from the crap that its preconceived notion emits by rationalizing it into something else. Ultimately, how I end up seeing myself is completely different from how others see me. Who gets the correct view of whom I am? Neither. Both are

Yellow Orb

2011-01-21T17:20:00.002-05:00

Oh, Yellow Orb of happiness, you hid behind the trees. I have no sorrow you can mend, the moon won't take from me. Sorry, Yellow Orb of joy, I'm not in place to feel your ray, but shut inside a cold stone tomb, until I'm free to play. Oh, Yellow Orb of wonder, I hope to see you soon. Before my artificial white of ski, sinks it's heart into my doom. Oh, Yellow Orb

Winter Beach

2011-01-16T17:55:00.002-05:00

I love the ocean beach in the winter time. The air is crisp, and fresh and not a chain smoker in sight. The landscape is serene with clear blue skies, endless horizon, birds... more birds... my boots... and a beautiful a Belgium draft horse... I could spend all weekend out here... Which is exactly what I did. All pictures: January 15-16, 2011: Ocean City, MD

The Family

2011-01-04T22:18:00.001-05:00

Hypatia has posted another thoughtful little piece on what it means to be in "The Family". In this case, a typical Mormon family. This is real stuff people. This is how I remember it to be when I was growing up. And we ex-Mo's have every right to feel the way we do for good reason. TBM's will no doubt find her post offensive and disagree. There will even be some who would try to

Differences Are Normal

2010-12-11T22:18:00.002-05:00

Back in September of 2009, I made a smugly moralistic little post called, "My Two Dates". The point of that post was to talk about a little event where I got asked if I would be interested in joining a couple for a little threesome action. I talked about how I learned a valuable lesson about misjudging people. And then at the end of it, in an attempt to whitewash the fact that I was still a

WTF?

2010-12-05T19:47:00.000-05:00

This just hit my email inbox a few minutes ago. I will not reproduce it in full but merely offer you the money quote. "I came out to my bishop today. Told him that I have been toying with suicide. After all was said and done he told me its best to follow through the suicide then to give into men." WTF? And the Mormon Church would have you believe that Bishops are inspired and have

Reset Please

2010-12-01T19:07:00.000-05:00

Some days I wish I could just hit the reset button on my life. Just fucking start over with a clean slate and do things differently. Not so much by going back in time but more getting up and leaving it all behind, go someplace where no one knows me, and start my life off with how I want it to be. No expectations or surprises at how I've "changed". No one trying to get me to revert to doing

To My Younger Self

2010-11-11T07:18:00.000-05:00

Formspring Question: "If you could go back in time, knowing what you know now, what would you tell yourself (being the best and worst) about being gay?" To answer this question, I will share with you a past journal entry where I essentially did that in a way. I wrote a few of these over the years but this one was actually coherent. Hey little [Gay Dot], It's been a while since we've talked.

The Dog Days Are Over

2010-11-10T12:53:00.001-05:00

This song as the same effect on me as well.

The Missionaries Are Coming

2010-11-05T20:42:00.002-04:00

Formspring Question: "what do you do when you see missionaries coming?" This is a good question, and quite frankly, I'm not sure the best way to answer this. The reason being is that I live in a region of the country that doesn't have any missionaries, so I don't get to see them coming in the first place. The last time I had missionaries in my home was in 2006, when I was still trying to

Formspring Questions

2010-11-03T09:58:00.001-04:00

Well, I jumped on another bandwagon and added the little Formspring thingy-ma-jiggery-doo to my blog a few weeks ago. I thought, what the hell? I'm slowly becoming a bit more settled in my life, and don't feel like I have to jump up and down about everything that goes on, for the most part anyway. I'm starting to grow up a little bit I think. Not that I've reached an emotional maturity that

Gender Doesn't Make the Man

2010-10-30T23:46:00.005-04:00

Craig posted a video. (embedded below) Please watch. I could only express such things in limited ways to only my closest friends and family. But the way I would express them could only be described as petulant and detached. I wanted it understood that I didn't like the way things where but I didn't want people to think I was that passionate about it. But