Diary Of A Genre Addict

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING (2012)

2012-01-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

The fourth film in the Underworld franchise sees Kate Beckinsale back in the boots and long coat of her trademark Selene character after the sidestep of the third film, the prequel Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans. Selene awakens from cryogenic imprisonment to discover twelve years have passed since the events of the second movie (Underworld: Evolution), vampires and Lycans have been revealed to the world and a massive purge of them has begun, wiping out thousands of each supernatural creature in the process.

Selene discovers that a second prisoner was held captive beside her, the young girl Eve, a hybrid child with a greater link to the film's vampiric heroine than she can initially believe. Selene escapes from captivity and seeks out Eve, and a new battle begins as the remaining Lycans chase them down to take the prize that Eve holds in her DNA.

Underworld: Awakening is an interesting place to take the franchise after the first two films and the prequel, as instead of directly continuing from what has gone before it takes a leap into the near future, which adds a strange dynamic to the mythos and its continuing action. I found it to be thoroughly enjoyable, albeit far from what anyone could call high art. However, going to see an Underworld movie negates expecting more than what you are presented with – i.e. a noisy, action-packed genre movie which is lots of fun throughout its brief running time.

There are some quieter moments throughout the film, the best being those moments between Selene and Eve (the young actress India Eisley, who puts in a great performance considering the duality of the character), but many viewers will be aching to get to the next action scenes. The good thing is, there are plenty of deafening, eye-melting action sequences, but they are well-integrated into the story and help the plot to hurtle along as a satisfyingly breathless pace.

There are mad scientists, underground Lycans, a likeable police officer/sidekick for Selene (Detective Sebastian, played by Michael Ealy), insane battle sequences and the finest production values since the first film. The Lycan transformations have never looked better, and aside from a couple of moments when effects don't seem to have been rendered properly the whole film looks amazing.

The cast is above par for current genre fodder, with Stephen Rea and Charles Dance adding some dramatic weight to a script that could have gone very awry otherwise. The star of the whole thing is undoubtedly Kate Beckinsale herself, as not only is she on top form in her action scenes, she gets to further explore a new side of the Selene character with some very sombre scenes that add a roundness to her persona.

One thing that I must raise: I saw Underworld: Awakening in 3D, and while there are few moments in the action sequences that used the 3D well, for the most part the 3D aspect of the film is utterly pointless, and I felt more than a little cheated by that. I really enjoyed he film, but the 3D almost spoiled it for me. 3D works best in films which have a bright colour palette, not the largely blue/monochrome palette of the Underworld universe.

That quibble aside, I had a blast watching Selene and Eve ripping Lycans to pieces and making stuff explode. Money well spent. Incidentally, the soundtrack album is amazing, but you'll struggle to hear any of it during the movie aside from the end credits. The trailer:

Lacey Sturn of Flyleaf - "Heavy Prey" from the soundtrack to UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING:

BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS (1980)

2012-01-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

One of the most blatant Star Wars rip-offs in history (only really topped by the 'Turkish Star Wars' which actually sole footage from George Lucas' masterpiece), Battle Beyond The Stars is a delirious fever dream for anyone well-versed in 70s/80s TV. I mean, this thing has John-Boy from the Waltons (Richard Thomas) in the lead as Luke Skywalker-lite, George Peppard (Hannibal from 'The A-Team'), Robert Vaughn ('The Man from U.N.C.L.E.') and even John Saxon ('A Nightmare on Elm Street' 1,3 and 7 and many, many more titles) amidst its cast.

A young man must gather a motley band of adventurers in order to do battle against the evil forces of Sador (Saxon), the Darth Vader/Palpatine type character of the flick, from blowing up the peaceful planet of Akir.

Really, all it is seems to be an excuse to rip off Star Wars and every sci-fi cliché in the universe. From the way it's shot and edited (look out for all those diagonal wipes!), the score, the characters, the effects, everything is stolen from something else. The plot is basically The Seven Samurai all over again, but in space.

Everything is lifted directly from other properties (I even spotted a rip-off of the TARDIS console in there), and it really is a million times worse than the film I remember seeing on TV when I was a kid. No wonder I liked it so much back then- there are plenty of lasers, lingering model shots of spaceships, clear-cut good guys and bad guys and lots of explosions. As a more mature viewer now though, it's unintentionally hilarious.

Some of today's favourite WTF moments have included noticing the automatic doors on one ship sound EXACTLY like Darth Vader's breathing, and the sheer nightmarish quality of Sybil Danning's costume (a somewhat crude and revealing mix of Barbarella and Thor!).

There are Jedi-style aliens, cheerly androids, an Empire-like legion of villains, stormtroopers, rickety starships and derring-do galore. It's loveably awful for the most part, and just plain awful for the rest of it. The best thing to do with this film would be to cut out every single scene apart from the space battles fought between (admittedly well-created) model spaceships. Those scenes are fun, if woefully cheap.

John-Boy looks bored throughout the film, as do most of the cast apart from George Peppard, who seems to be having a blast playing what is essentially a gay cowboy version of Han Solo. Battle Beyond the Stars is passable enough entertainment, but for all the wrong reasons.

Actually, my girlfriend has been sat beside me and glancing over at odd scenes here and there throughout the film. She described it thusly: “It's like the people who made it went to a sci-fi supermarket and stole everything from every aisle.” Well said.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3 (1993)

2012-01-18T00:37:00.000-08:00

We all have our favourite zombie movies, don't we? For many it will be perennial classics like Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD, and quite rightly so. While I do love that flick, my two favourites have to be Shaun of the Dead (2004) and this one here, Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). This film is dear to my heart as I saw it at the height of my addiction to VHS rentals from Metro Video in Sheffield, my old stomping ground.

There is something about this film that works extremely well. While it lacks the gonzoid brilliance of the first or the slapstick comedy of the second, it has a unique atmosphere and fascination for me. Really a sequel in name only (as well as the inclusion of the Trioxin chemical that brought the dead back in the first two), it was directed by none other than Brian Yuzna and is pretty much a perfect horror film to these eyes. The budget was clearly limited, but the production doesn't suffer from the lack of a massive wad of cash. If anything, it makes it work even better.

ROTLD3 concerns a military operation to use a new form of Trioxin to animate the dead and turn them into zombie soldiers. The son of a Colonel and his girlfriend Julie (the awesome Mindy Clarke) discover what's going on (they originally believe that animals are being experimented on and set off to disrupt the operation). In the chaos that ensues, a zombie outbreak kicks off and soon Julie is infected with the Trioxin (by her boyfriend no less – he gives it to her after she is killed in a motorbike accident).

She begins to transform, but amidst the bloody mayhem as zombies begin to attack a nearby town, Julie discovers she is able to hold on to her humanity by causing herself pain. Thus begins her transformation into a horrifically modified half-zombie version of herself, covered in shards of broken glass, nails rammed through her hands, her body pierced and mutilated to the point that she looks like a Cenobite from the Hellraiser movies.

It's a shocking and shockingly effective visual, and she is electrifying once her metamorphosis is complete, becoming almost a zombie superhero as she battles against the undead while fighting off her own cravings for brains. Yuzna's direction makes the most of a decent cast and a tight budget, and Return of the Living Dead 3 leaves the viewer satisfied on many levels. There is plenty of gore to be found, but there's also a compelling story and enough tension and thrills to maintain interest for 90 minutes.

The film's third act is brilliant, and a near-perfect example of low-budget horror moviemaking at its best. Evocative of an era very dear to me, I like to think that it isn't just nostalgia that colours my opinion of this film. I really do think it's one of the greatest zombie movies ever made. Now, I want some braaaaaaiiiiinnnssss.....

TRAILER TREASURES: CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1979)

2012-01-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

Ruggero Deodato's CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST is genuinely one of the most infamous movies of all time, and quite rightly so. Depending on your viewpoint, it's either a very knowing and well-constructed swipe at the media and our attitudes to other cultures, or it's a vile, gory and unsettling exploitation movie with some truly nasty gore. Personally I'd say it's a bit of both.

This trailer is fascinating - while it gives you glimpses of the violence, the gore and the sleaze aspects it also does give you some of the chilling atmosphere of the film thanks to the use of the music, which recurs in the movie. That music, swaying, pleasant and almost romantic, gives the shocking visuals so much more power than they would otherwise have.

So wherever your opinions may lie regarding the film itself, you've gotta admit the trailer has some power. Here it is.

Full review of this notorious video nasty COMING SOON!

GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 3

2012-01-16T14:55:00.000-08:00

After enjoying the hell out of the first two volumes of this glorious series of DVDs from Nucleus Films, the moment I saw volume 3 had been released, I needed it in my life, even though I was still reeling from the battering my bank balance took over Christmas. Soon it was in my sweaty grasp and I sat down for a third helping of horror, action, martial arts, blaxploitation and sleaze trailers from the heyday of the grimy fleapit cinemas (which I sadly missed out on as I wasn't born until '78).

It's been a fascinating experience watching these DVDs, as not only are they ridiculously enjoyable, they also offer me a glimpse of a scene and an era I never got to experience firsthand (I do, however, remember being aware the Video Nasties controversy was going on in the 80s).

Volume three is a little different to the first two entries in the series, and features far less horror (and far less titles you may have heard of), instead leaning heavier on the sleaze/exploitation side of things. This is all well and good, and is still an interesting look at a bunch of low-budget turkeys, but it does sadly lack the gusto and chaotic glee of the earlier discs. This is understandable, as the first two contained a total of 110 trailers, so it can't be easy finding more material for new editions, especially considering the 72 trailers Nucleus compiled for their Video Nasties: The Definitive Guide box set (I watched disc 2 of that again today – absolutely marvellous).

While there are moments when you do kinda feel the disc is scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of the trailers included, there are still some brilliant gems in there ('Schizoid'/'Lizard In A Woman's Skin', 'Linda', 'Invasion of the Flesh Eaters/Cannibal Apocalypse', and shockingly tasteless flicks like 'Nazi Love Camp 27' and 'Tarzana- The Wild Woman'), and a lot of fun to be had.

As a devout horror fan, I would have liked to have seen more of the red stuff flying about, but it's a small complaint really, as volume 3 still offers great value for money considering the content on offer. That said, if a fourth volume ever happens, I'd love some more blood and guts amongst the thighs and chests. Extras include a featurette with movie expert Kim Newman, a poster gallery and 28 extra trailers for other releases. A fine hamper of sleazy delights.

GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 2

2012-01-04T03:33:00.000-08:00

I watched this second volume of Grindhouse trailer classics back-to-back with the first volume over Christmas, and I can tell you, my friends, that I had the most awesome dream after doing so. Y'see, after over three hours of demented exploitation, horror, action, sleaze and assorted other insanity that makes up the 55 trailers on offer in each volume, I dreamed I was atop a Mad Max style car, zooming across a post-apocalyptic wasteland, firing a roof-mounted gatling gun at a swarm of marauding alien spaceships. Bliss.

Then I woke up and had to make everyone breakfast, which was a bit of a slam back to reality, really.

This second volume of awesome Grindhouse awesomeness features 55 more inspired chunks of trailer lunacy which are undoubtedly better that the films they advertise. From exploitative romps like The Black Gestapo and Ilsa, The Tigress of Siberia to the nastiness of Snuff and the sleaze of Wanda The Wicked Warden, it's another essential release from Nucleus Films (fast becoming my favourite company alongside Arrow).

While featuring less gore than the first volume, it's still a fascinating disc for any lover of old-school cheapo movies, and I loved every second of it. Lovingly compiled and presented in the best quality possible (considering the limitations of the source material), I cannot possibly recommend this series of DVDs highly enough.

There is no featurette starring Emily Booth this time, however there is a feature with Stephen Thrower, author of Nightmare USA, who talks Grindhouse like the pro that he is. There is no poster gallery in this volume, but hey, the content itself is what matters with these releases, and they are a wonder to behold for geeks like us, folks. Buy them and enjoy every crackly, scratched, mono-audio minute of it. Bliss on a disc.

GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1

2012-01-04T03:17:00.001-08:00

Christmas can be a wonderful thing if you've pointed friends and family at your Amazon Wish List, as it means they can't go far wrong with anything they buy from it. I am most grateful this year as my Christmas stash included the first two volumes of Nucleus Films' glorious series of GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS on DVD. There's a third volume that has been released, which I'll be snapping up once I've written the reviews of these first two.

Dear reader, these DVDs are brilliant. They are essential. They are insane and glorious and beautifully nasty. This first volume features 55 trailers for films that are largely forgotten in the annals of cinema history, but they provide an incredible snapshot of an era of genre cinema that people like me are fascinated by, and while I was born after the Grindhouse cinema boom, I am still hugely interested in that era.

Those films are low budget masterpieces of awful acting, dubious scripting, lashings of gore and astonishing levels of exploitative sleaze. Stuffed with horror, Blaxploitation, Nazisploitation, action, martial arts, sleaze and enough scratchy film reels to make any old-school cinephile salivate, this first volume of Grindhouse trailer classics is a perfect party disc, a perfect evening's viewing, and a perfect addition to any genre addict's stash.

There is an excellent featurette on this disc entitled 'Bump and Grind', presented by UK scream queen Emily Booth, which is fascinating in itself, along with a gallery of Grindhouse poster art and a Nucleus promo reel. It's from the same people behind the amazing, all-encompassing box set Video Nasties: The Definitive Guide, and you need it in your life.

Diary: Daily Arrivals Of Nastiness

2011-12-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

My vintage VHS horror addiction is continuing to dominate both my movie-viewing and my hobby time right now. Searching for classic and less-than-classic titles out in various cities or snapping them up on eBay is proving to be both fun and lucrative, as I have got back into VHS dealing in a big way recently. Yup, this is down to the Facebook group I remain obsessed with, Horror VHS Collectors Unite! My passion for horror has always been strong, but I am now in a position to seek out the titles I loved as a teenager (or craved, yet never got to see) and also find titles that I know people will want to buy.

Case in point is a guy called Ian, who I have come into contact with via the group. He's very cool indeed, and as we're both in the UK we have struck up a kinship over tatty old VHS tapes of bad horror movies and other genre delights. This has come to a head over the Christmas period with us swapping gifts of rare VHS tapes that we knew the other would enjoy.

My girlfriend finds this both sweet and amusing, that two grown men who barely know each other have started sending shady looking brown parcels back and forth between themselves in the name of gathering obsolete media, and I can't say I blame her.

I feel like a big kid right now, searching out all of the films I never got around to renting in the video heyday, as well as gathering all of the titles that mean a lot to me. I see these my collection as somewhat autobiographical now, which is a weird thing to say about old video tapes, but I would liken it to people who collect vinyl – that same sense of an item evoking a period in your life.

Of course, I am not just picking these things up for nostalgia's sake and to watch a few flicks, but also to sell some on as I tend to be broke (and as we have a baby on the way, I will be broke for the rest of my life) and to get quality tapes back into circulation on the collector market. I hate to think of these items going to waste, being thrown away by their old owners or just scrapped by charity shops for being obsolete.

They belong with us, the freaks who value those beautifully trashy covers and sleazy films the most. This is probably why I spend far too much time feverishly looking for forgotten gems online and why I have to raise a sheepish grin at my girlfriend when the postman arrives and there is the tell-tale THUNK of another VHS tape hitting the mat. Thankfully, she understands my fascination even though she doesn't share it, and as long as my core collection remains largely the same size and the transient tapes are sold off and recirculated, then I can't see any problems to come.

That is, aside from hipsters collecting tapes for kitsch value alone. You weren't there, man. If you don't love the films and the era, then leave them to those of us who do. I mean, I need my fix of hearing the daily arrivals. It's almost as much fun as picking out where films were cut and bitching about it online. Almost.

DOLLS (1987)

2011-12-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

A precursor to the Puppet Master movies, Dolls is a thoroughly enjoyable b-movie horror yarn stuffed with murderous living toys, some nonsensical plotting, a partially-brilliant cast and a typically silly ending. The cover alone is enough to send some people into fits of screaming, but if you're familiar with the work of Charles Band and his merry, erm, band of cohorts, you'll know what you're in for with this film. If you find dolls to be terrifying thing, then for crying out loud, don't watch this flick, ever.

Dolls wasn't directed by Band, though. That honour fell to none other that Stuart Gordon, which is probably why Dolls plays and looks much better than it would have done in other hands. The film is cheap and schlocky, but also contains sequences that are surprisingly creepy, thanks to the use of myriad methods of bring the dolls to life, including puppets, animatronics and stop-motion animation, all executed with great flair and style.

The story is sadly pretty stupid, to be honest, but come on, we don't watch a lot of these things expecting to have our minds expanded and enriched do we? A family stops at a creepy mansion to shelter from a storm, soon followed by a loveable oaf of a guy with the same problem. These are then complemented a little later by – out of absolutely nowhere – two punk girls (one with a ludicrous English accent which is torture to hear to these English ears, but probably 'quaint' to everyone outside of the UK).

The old couple who live in the creepy mansion are pantomime-scary old timers (featuring none other than Guy Rolfe - Andre Toulon himself from the Puppet Master movies) with a passion for making terrifying dolls. Of course, the group of unwitting guests soon discovers that these dolls are more than just toys, and very soon there is mayhem, mutilation and murder as playtime gets underway for the army of chilling toys.

Something that is immediately frightening about the dolls is that they really do look like toys rather than movie props, which is where other films with a similar concept fall down dead. These things are freaky. The flick is basically an excuse to have some horrible living dolls kill a bunch of people in nasty ways, and on that level it succeeds completely. As a coherent narrative, it fails miserably, but hey, there are dolls, so who cares?

Stuart Gordon's direction demonstrates the visual ingenuity he is known for (even on such a small budget production), while the effects team brings a unique addition to the animated doll genre, namely gory skulls that are revealed within the dolls' heads when they are destroyed. Nice touch there guys. Thanks for the nightmares.

The kill scenes are well done, but the creepiest has to be the slow-motion death of one character who falls foul of a squad of toy soldiers. In true war movie style, the footage slips into slow-mo as the soldiers unload their ammunition at their enemy. The look of horror on the character's face as they are gunned down in a cloud of their own blood is actually very effective.

One of the finest moments in the whole movie comes very early on, when the daughter of the snotty family that first arrives at the mansion (played by Carrie Lorraine, who incidentally makes for a very cool lead character as she's played so well) visualizes her teddy bear growing to monstrous proportions and eviscerating her parents in a shower of gore. This is played out on camera exactly how she pictures it, and it's a beautifully mad moment worthy of the Evil Dead movies or indeed Gordon's own Re-Animator.

With a short running time (about 75 minutes in total) and no pretence of being anything other than a slightly patchy and nonsensical horror movie, Dolls does exactly what you would want it to with that title. They're watching you, y'know. Be nice to your toys, folks.

Cynthia Rothrock – B-Movie Master

2011-12-20T02:29:00.000-08:00

One name that popped up throughout my formative years as a genre addict was that of Cynthia Rothrock, the martial arts and action movie heroine who has starred in more films than I have had hot dinners, and that's a hell of a lot of dinners.

The blonde ass-kicker first came to my attention via a big-box copy of the first CHINA O'BRIEN movie, then its sequel, and then titles like UNDEFEATABLE, HONOR AND GLORY and a ton of others. After a while I discovered her earlier years as a Hong Kong action star, in films that came across as harder-edged versions of Jackie Chan's Police Story movies.

Often derided for her acting ability, I personally think that Cynthia is one of the greatest stars of action cinema, ever. Her films rarely disappoint, and in fact films like Guardian Angel or Lady Dragon outstrip many bigger budget flicks in terms of entertainment value. She is a diminutive figure, but there is never any doubt that she could tear you limb from limb, and even though some of her roles have been painful to watch (Sci-Fighter) or just kinda nonsensical (her cameo in 24 Hours To Midnight, before she puts on a mask and is suddenly played by someone else for the whole film), she puts in a great effort every time.

A lot of the films she has featured in do follow a certain blueprint, but hey, don't all action movies follow a set routine? Just enjoy them. Basically, Cynthia's films tend to be centred around any possible method of getting her to kick people's backsides as often as possible. This is no bad thing, as Cynthia is a former Karate world champion (many times over) and is one of the most consistently entertaining and exciting martial arts movie stars to watch onscreen.

Yes, some of the films are formulaic (Undefeatable is a prime example), but they are a ton of fun too, and who can't fail to enjoy watching her beat the crap out of the bad guys? In addition, from what I have read she is very accomodating with fans at conventions and suchlike, which is always nice to know.

Mind you, I doubt anyone would NOT be pleasant to her, in case they put themselves at risk of one of her legendary kicks.

Cynthia, I salute you. Cheers for the years of beating up the bad guys in the name of keeping geeks like me entertained.

A 'suggested viewing' list of Cynthia Rothrock movies:

CHINA O'BRIEN

CHINA O'BRIEN 2

MARTIAL LAW

LADY DRAGON

UNDEFEATABLE

GUARDIAN ANGEL

TIGER CLAWS

RAGE AND HONOR

RAGE AND HONOR 2

HONOR AND GLORY

SWORN TO JUSTICE

CREEPOZOIDS (1987)

2011-12-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's a blatant rip-off of ALIENS, with added stolen bits of THE THING and a bunch of other high-end sci-fi/horror crossover movies, but Creepozoids captured my attention as a teenager thanks to two factors. First, the cover art for it was brilliant, and second, it had Linnea Quigley in it. The film follows a bunch of army deserters who take shelter in an abandoned lab while acid rain pelts the land outside after an apocalyptic nuclear war has taken place in the near future.

Of course, this being the sort of film that it is, the lab was home to a genetically-engineered monster, which lives on deep within the lab. The deserters, when not bickering amongst themselves, having sex in the shower or being macho, discover they need to band together to overcome the threat of the monster and also the secret threat which is lurking within one of their number.

It's cheap, tacky, a complete rip-off and rather wonderful. Creepozoids was one of the earliest films of my development as a genre addict, it being one of my first 18-rated VHS tapes back when I was far too young to be buying videos with that certificate.

What can I say? I knew where to go to find people with very shaky morals who would sell horror movies to kids. I turned out okay – honestly! Sadly, I can't say the same for kids who are seeing today's horror output. I guess they just don't make 'em like they used to.

Anyway. Creepozoids introduced me to many things that would play a big part in my further development as a fan of low budget cinema. The first and foremost of those things is of course Linnea Quigley, who I had a crush on in my early teens due to this film and whatever else I could find her in (of which there was plenty).

It also introduced me to the concept of forcing big ideas into tiny budgets and how suspend disbelief even further (the 'secure' lab looks about as secure and sturdy as a limp banana skin). Ladies and gentlemen, Creepozoids is one of the worst, and best, films I have ever seen. It reeks of cheese from the script, the acting, the effects and the score.

Thankfully there's enough swearing, violence and nudity to keep the teenager in all of us sated. Once the Creepozoids are revealed, there may be a bit of a sense of underwhelming disappointment unless you expect rubber, vaseline and, erm, just one of them. It's a far cry from the giant scale of the Ridley Scott and James Cameron epics the makers stole so many ideas from (right down to the John Hurt chest-burster scene from 'Alien' homage), but in it's own way, Creepozoids is awesome. Trash, yes, but awesome trash. B-movie gold.

3 ON A MEAT HOOK (1973)

2011-12-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

This is one of the sleaziest films I've ever seen, and certainly the sleaziest that I have covered here for the diary. It's far from being a great film, but as nasty exploitation films go, it does have its entertainment value. One thing I'll say is that as horror flicks go, it certainly lives up to its title. There are far more gore scenes than your average slasher, and the tiny budget and low production values give the film the air of prime time grindhouse filmmaking.

Apparently based loosely on the crimes of notorious maniac Ed Gein, 3 On A Meathook tells the story (I use the term loosely, by the way) of four girls who go off on a road trip, go about the hi-jinks of the time and then run afoul of a lunatic when their car breaks down and a young man takes them to a farm to shelter. Thus begins the meat of the movie, if you will.

The girls are stuck at this guy's place until their car can be fixed, and while there they discover that their time is running out fast. One by one, the girls are butchered, until only one is left alive to discover the truth about the farmer and his meat.

There's actually a pretty good twist if you can stomach the low grade quality of the film stock, the production and the music (that poor, abused wah-wah pedal), and while there is a great deal of padding (entire musical performances by a club band, lingering sequences of the girls skinny-dipping), 3 On A Meat Hook does contain some fun exploitation thrills.

This is a proper, old-school drive-in horror movie, with grisly shots of mutilation, murder and butchery that are surprisingly nasty, if not completely convincing. Liberally stealing ideas from PSYCHO, having the girls onscreen without their clothes for large chunks of screen time, aiming great swathes of exposition at the camera and wah-wah-guitar-playing its way through woodland frolics as well as demented violence, 3 On A Meat Hook is not a film for the modern horror fan.

Much more suited to the connoisseur with a taste for low-budget 70s exploitation movies rather than slick, modern yawn-fests, it's a mean, nasty and shoddy little gem that really evokes an era of horror cinema.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE (1987)

2011-12-08T01:45:00.001-08:00

Rowdy teens, sweaty hicks, lots of pigs and a huge lunatic with a meat cleaver – welcome to SLAUGHTERHOUSE. Quite a sought-after tape amongst the VHS geeks I frolic with, it's a flick I've wanted to check out for a while on the strength of the marvellously tacky cover. I'm not disappointed now I've seen it, either. A steal on eBay, even with a battered cover, the film ticks off 80s horror tropes one by one; The soundtrack is a great slice of cheese, the cast are pretty and pretty irritating, and there's chaos with a cleaver. What's not to like?

Buddy, the simpleton son of a pig-farm owner, goes on a killing spree inspired by his father when their dilapidated slaughterhouse is put at risk of closure by the local sheriff and officials. A group of teenagers who are joking around making a shot-on-video horror movie get caught up in the mayhem when they stop off at the slaughterhouse for kicks, and eighties low-budget horror fun ensues.

There are plenty of high-spirited hi-jinks from the teenagers which tell us quite clearly that they are full of mischief and ever so slightly naughty, but they're not all that bad really. There's even a party montage scene with obligatory eighties edits and a bouncy pop band onstage who are described as 'Rock n' roll' despite their synths and smart haircuts.

It's all a bit wholesome, until the slaughter starts for real. Buddy, the giant, idiot, mute maniac on the cover, is in turn hilarious and formidable. The performance from Joe. B. Barton as Buddy Bacon (seriously) would have made for a fine Leatherface knock-off had it not been for the forced moments of comedy evident in his every facial expression and each scene featuring him when he's not hacking people to bits or hanging them from meat hooks. He is constantly snorting, squealing and grunting. Just like his piggies.

Now, as someone who loves bacon (and indeed pork products galore) very dearly, while also thinking that pigs are delightful creatures (hypocrite, I know, but they're cute and delicious, so everyone wins really), it's great to see pigs being pigs throughout the movie. It's when anyone tries to push the plot forward in a sensible direction that it falls apart entirely. The makers should really have spent less time trying to turn the film into a cop drama and more time with Buddy swinging his cleaver at people's heads while jaunty country music plays in the background, as that's when Slaughterhouse really makes a killing. Now I want a bacon sandwich.

Evilspeak (1981)

2011-12-03T16:03:00.001-08:00

One of the DPP's notorious (I really need to use the word 'notorious' less, don't I?) 'Video Nasties', Evilspeak is a brilliant piece of trashy horror entertainment that his head and shoulders above most of the films that make up the 72 that were lumped in with the controversy.

This may well have something to do with the lead character being played by Clint Howard, who, dear addicts, is a god amongst men when it comes to horror movies.

He rapidly became a go-to man for the freaky/weird/oddball in many movies and TV shows, but he's more than just a distinctive face. Clint Howard is also an extremely talented actor, and he brings a great deal of pathos to the role of Stanley Coopersmith, the computer nerd at a military school who is the butt of endless jokes and pranks from his peers.

Of course, he winds up with incantations left behind by a mad Satanic cult leader from hundreds of years ago, which enable him to harness the power of the underworld in order to wreak bloody mayhem upon his enemies.

The film is a little slow to offer much in the way of horror material, but when the chaos kicks in, it's mental. I say a little slow, but the film is actually kinda painful in its build up towards the inevitable bloodshed.

Actually, at several points in the first 50 minutes of the movie, Evilspeak could be taken for a regular comedy/drama film, albeit one with satanic rituals. And demonic pigs. And flashbacks to a mad cult. In fact, forget I said it could be taken as anything other than a horror movie.

The thing is, it feels rather comic-booky in terms of tone rather than pure evil. I can understand the controversy surrounding this particular entry on the Video Nasties list to a certain extent due to the graphic gore and some of the more unsettling scenes (the simulated killing of a puppy is all wrong), but overall Evilspeak is a bit of gory fun with Clint Howard mugging for the camera with all his might.

A fun film for an evening session with beer and salty snacks. Just watch out for the rubber-faced fake pig head which is used in close-ups. You may snort your snacks up with mirth.

NECROPOLIS (1987)

2011-11-21T12:48:00.001-08:00

Y'know, I'm not actually all that sure what I just watched. I know it was as movie, but I'll be damned if I can tell you much more than that. I'll try. 300 years ago a witch was executed for being all evil and stuff. In the present day, she is resurrected as a punky clone of Madonna (and blatantly so, although here and now she looks more like Lady GaGa than Madonna), who sets about taking revenge on people associated with, wait, I've lost it. No, there must be a plot somewhere.

You see, there's a moment in this film that is so odd that it blots out the rest of the film entirely. Actually, maybe the rest of the film (which only clocks in at 75 minutes in total) is just so tedious that the one truly insane scene in the flick just cancels the rest out. The scene in question? It's the scene where the villainess unveils her six boobs and suckles three hooded zombies with gooey ectoplasm from her prosthetic nipples. No, seriously.

It's the only reason this film has any notoriety, as the rest of it is a plodding mess. Basically the evil punkette goes from lowlife to lowlife, encompassing drunks, hookers and more, and psychically forces them to kill themselves and other people.

Oh, wait! Now I remember. The basic crux of the plot is Miss Eva, the witch, attempting to resurrect her cult members from way back when by sucking the life force out of her victims, which then manifests as the goo from her prosthetic boobs. A counsellor, a doctor and a cop are soon on her trail, with every predictable moment of skepticism in there that you can imagine (mmm, padding) before the inevitable revelation that the camp counsellor really was onto something and the witch is killing folks.

There are some hilariously bad moments throughout it, but one of my favourite has to be the moment the counsellor is shot in the arm when the witch takes a character over and forces her to turn the weapon on her colleague.

The resulting squib in his arm goes off wrong, and hangs out of the fake blood of the fake wound for all the world to see. The actor actually pauses a moment, as if to go 'Oh shit!' before screaming in apparent pain. The camera holds on this slightly too long, making it plainly obvious we are watching a botched effect.

That sums the film up, really. A botch job that we see for far too long. The problem is, I actually found its complete ineptitude as a film quite endearing. Something I do find quite endearing is the fact that so much of the score is stolen from other films from C-movie legend Charles Band and his ilk, utilising music from films like Trancers, Puppet Master and more throughout the movie. It's absolute 80s, shot-on-video trash of the lowest order, but it's also passable viewing material if you can't be arsed to pay too much attention between the nasty bits. And by nasty bits I don't mean her terrifying, ectoplasm-leaking six boobs.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988)

2011-11-12T15:08:00.001-08:00

Ahh, you know you're in for a fun film when Linnea Quigley's in the cast. This is a delightfully chaotic and entertaining piece of mid eighties horror which spawned two sequels and a remake, none of which matched the fun of this first film.

A bunch of teens head to a spooky house in order to indulge in The Standard 80s Horror Film Party Somewhere Bad. This time it's in an abandoned mortuary. After the kids conduct an impromptu séance as a party game, demons are unleashed from their otherworldly prisons and go about butchering some characters, possessing others and causing some beautifully manic chaos for eighty-something minutes.

Night of The Demons is a gloriously archetypal look at 80s horror, from the soundtrack and the cast to the tracking shots, the demon makeups and the set dressing. It's awesome. Angela, the lead demon by the time the climax comes around (and indeed in the two sequels), is everything you could want from a b-movie horror icon. Her outfit, her voice and her demonic makeup are perfect fodder for fans of 80s schlock.

The story is hokey and full of plot holes, not to mention moments where characters could EASILY have escaped their fates if only they had actually stopped standing there screaming and had actually run off, but that's part of its charm.

Linnea is clearly having a bit of a laugh with the whole thing, even when she's required to force a finger right through her own nipple. She certainly earned her Scream Queen credentials in this (and indeed 'Return of the Living Dead') and deserves every bit of fan appreciation she gets, for the simple fact that whenever she's onscreen she seems to be having such a great time making the film. That tongue in cheek atmosphere is very appealing.

The glorious thing about Night of the Demons is that it holds up well as a film despite its dated effects and hammy acting, well, because it never takes itself remotely seriously. It's a valiant attempt at creating a budget Freddy/Jason/Pinhead type character in Angela, and it's hard not to be entertained by her demonic antics, even when they're a tad nonsensical.

It's the sort of film which is referred to as a 'romp', because that's exactly what it is. Beheadings, gore, zombies, demons and teenagers being taught they shouldn't play with the supernatural? It must be Night of the Demons.

PSYCHIC KILLER (1975)

2011-11-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

This entertaining little shocker from '75 has an IMDB score which seems to be far too low. Yeah. It's cheap, hokey and looks like an episode of a cop show, but Psychic Killer has a lot of charm. The basic premise surrounds a man who is able to kill people via sending his spirit out by astral projection and using his psychic abilities to telekinetically influence the world around his victims.

It's a film that has been on my radar for a while as the rather brilliant trailer is attached to a bunch of low budget horror DVDs I've been gathering lately. Pretty much every Vipco title I've found of late has the trailer for Psychic Killer on it, so the power of advertising finally pushed me into checking out what I see as an under-appreciated gem.

Quiet guy Arnold Masters is in a jail's mental ward for a murder he didn't commit. While in jail he meets a man who introduces him to the concept of psychic powers, who then promptly dies in a scene which is both chilling and hilarious. When his innocence is revealed, he is set free and sinks deeper into his own world of strange and dark thoughts. With an amulet the guy leaves behind, Arnold is able to set about tracking down and offing all of the people that screwed his life up with the murder case.

Of course, there's a sexy doctor and a grizzled cop on his trail as Arnold goes about murdering people in very inventive ways. I think my favourite has to be the scene in which a butcher is killed in a rather grisly fashion. The scene really kicks in when a load of raw meat chases him towards a meat grinder, which then spews chunks of meat as we watch his hand minced into a bloody mess (you may well recognize the butcher from Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive/Death Trap flick).

Arnold, played by the deliciously creepy Jim Hutton, is actually quite likeable in an odd way. It's everyone else that's kinda irritating in the film, which makes it oddly satisfying when they are minced, flung off cliffs, burned to death in the shower or whatever fate Arnold sees fit for them. The film mixes thriller, horror and science fiction together, and while it doesn't always work, for me me it hits the mark more often than not.

I just wish the ending had been longer, a bit more fleshed out, and that there had been an epilogue. Psychic Killer is one of those film that literally stops as the climactic moment ends, which is rather annoying after such a build-up to what is effectively a very short finale. There are moments throughout the film that show great promise, with some very creepy moments where the atmosphere is pitch perfect.

The character of Arnold is classic lunatic, quiet and gentle but always slightly off-kilter. The answer to beating him is a bit of a cop-out and there are loose plot threads dangling here and there, but those final moments, however short they are, are worth waiting for. Psychic Killer does live up to the hype I had built up around it after seeing the trailer so many times, but only just.

DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE (1980)

2011-10-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

One of the DPP's list of Video Nasties, Don't Go In The House originally found its way to my eyes via a cheap Apex slipcase VHS I bought for 1.99 from a market stall when I was about 14. It scared the crap out of me at the time thanks to its truly nightmarish concept, and recently I picked up a big-box version of the same Apex release on eBay in order to revisit what I remember as a film that really unsettled me.

How does it stand up? Actually it's probably more frightening now, despite the bad acting, dodgy internal logic and tiny budget. The film follows a demented young man whose mother lies dead in the living room. He can still hear her voice, berating him, screaming at him, even while she decomposes in an armchair. Another mad voice has joined his psychic turmoil, and is persuading him to take out his frustrations, anger and madness on innocent women. He builds a steel room in the house, buys a flame-proof suit and a flamethrower, and proceeds to chain people up and burn them alive.

As the film progresses, his madness escalates until he sees his victims (whose charred corpses are dressed in his mother's clothes and arranged in the living room with his dead mother like some insane tea party) coming back to life and taking out their revenge upon their killer.

The film features some very graphic scenes of horrific violence (although the version on this tape is cut a bit), but it is the atmosphere of the flick itself that makes it so unsettling. There is little build-up before our main character goes mental, and then we are taken along for the ride as he goes deeper and deeper into his own psychotic world and his own sense of murderous logic, egged on by the voices.

There's also a great use of a minimal score and some stylish cinematography, but the acting lets the film down and stops it becoming anything other than a creepy little Grindhouse movie that built a lasting reputation thanks to a couple of very nasty scenes. That said, Don't Go In The House is an interesting curio for the discerning horror fan who has a taste for low budgets and buckets of atmosphere rather than tons of gore.

The Yearly Hiatus Is Here...

2011-10-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Folks, it's that time of year again. NaNoWriMo is upon us again, and thus I will be putting Diary of a Genre Addict on hiatus for the duration of November. Time permitting, I'll be back to bring you more content, but for the most part I'll be beavering away trying to write 50,000 words in a month.

There's plenty to look forward to when the site gets back in action in December...

-MORE reviews!
-MORE autobiographical posts!
-MORE new features!
-MORE pages!

And of course...

-DIARY OF A GENRE ADDICT: THE WEB SERIES!

See you in December, addicts! Thanks for visiting!

Your humble Genre Addict,
Andrew

TRAILER TREASURES: DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE (1980)

2011-10-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

I just watched this classic piece of nastiness again yesterday for the first time in about 15 years, and it holds up really well. This trailer is a nicely creepy teaser for the film and gives it an awesome Grindhouse kind of atmosphere. The flick itself is demented from about five minutes in, and while it's quite sick in places, I recommend it to horror connoisseurs everywhere, as there's so much atmosphere to soak up during the flick. Check out the gloriously tacky trailer.

(Full review coming soon!)

TRAILER TREASURES: WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE (1994)

2011-10-27T12:27:00.001-07:00

I was a massive Freddy fan as a teenager, and those films are still dear to my heart, but it was the seventh entry in the series, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which really caught my imagination. The concept was incredible - A demonic Freddy Krueger stalking the people involved with the original movies, and while the effects haven't dated all that well, the idea is still as powerful as ever.

Freddy isn't in the film much, but his menacing presence is there in spades, and it's this film that feels like the final part of a trilogy alongside the first A Nightmare On Elm Street movie and its perfect second sequel, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. I remember walking out of the cinema when New Nightmare came out and being stunned by it. I still love the idea of it, and the execution has aged well.

This version of the trailer is genius, mixing faux documentary footage in with the action of the movie. Excellent.

(A full review of the film itself is coming soon)

THE VIDEO DEAD (1986)

2011-10-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

This film has got to have one of the best covers to ever grace a VHS horror film. Seriously. It's an '80s horror fan's wet dream of a video cover, and even better, it's double sided and boasts an equally awesome (although very similar) image on each side. It's one of the few 80s horror movies that has never been released on DVD, and is highly collectable (look, I don't MEAN to sound like Comic Book Guy from the Simspons. It just happens). I've lost four or five of these to higher bidders on eBay, but finally a copy has slipped into my grasp and is being appreciated properly.

The Video Dead has one of the greatest – and silliest – premises of any horror flick of the era, and I absolutely adore every frame of it. A haunted TV is delivered to a regular suburb (full of regular suburban characters and the ubiquitous teenage hero and heroine), and while the occupant of the house it arrives at is asleep, zombies from another dimension emerge from the TV and the horror begins, sort of.

As soon as this happens we jump forward in time to when the house is empty and has been sold. Our young heroes, Jeff and Zoe, are moving into the house and, naturally, discover the TV. After a nicely-paced build, the TV unleashes its hordes of zombies (who are sporting some pretty damn effective makeups) upon the house and the suburb, and the red stuff starts to flow.

The Video Dead is a beautifully cheesy piece of genre cinema that is the perfect addition to any vintage VHS collection, as alongside that glorious cover art there is a film which manages to be fun, funny, gory and just plain entertaining, which can't be said of every flick from that era, can it? The zombies are shambling, iconic visions of those notorious undead flesheaters, each with a nasty visage and a unique costume.

Despite the low budget and limited scope of the cinematography, there's a nice amount of atmosphere down to the well-placed musical cues and some tense editing. Add to this a soundtrack featuring some deliciously cheesy 80s pop-rock, characters with era-specific hairstyles and clothes, some nicely stiff acting, plenty of comedy moments and some pleasingly nasty zombie sequences, and you have a very precious thing indeed.

If you love your 80s horror, then you need to track a copy of this film down while there are still some on the collector's market. In fact, I think it's actually better that this film doesn't show up on DVD, as the best way to watch The Video Dead would have to be on VHS, if only to capture the right mood. DVD would probably ruin the look of the film (at points there's so much dry ice that it looks like a Bonnie Tyler video...heh). Sometimes, you see, it's better to have a lower quality format in order to enjoy something properly. The Video Dead is a great example. Have an old-school horror night, and make sure a copy of The Video Dead is standing by beside your ancient VHS player. Just be wary of what comes out of your TV...

Elves (1989)

2011-10-17T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm really glad I didn't pay much for this film. It's not that I thought it was a waste of 50p – not at all – it's just that paying small change for it seemed most appropriate considering the apparent budget of this notorious-in-VHS-collecting-circles film.

The guy that was Grizzly Adams (I'm not kidding) is a failed cop working as a department store Santa. One night he stumbles across a bunch of girls having a late-night party in the store, who are (of course) being stalked by a bunch of murderous rubber elves who were once the basis for an evil plot of the Third Reich (wait, skip back to the HARD ROCK ZOMBIES review recently- the nazis certainly seemed to be a popular explanation for stuff in z-grade 80s horror...), and who can only be stopped with the help of a former member of the Gestapo.

Erm, right.

Elves is every bit as stupid as that description makes it sound. It's also bloody, but every time the Elves are onscreen you can't help but cringe due to the woeful effects job on them. It's an effects job that didn't even stretch to giving them working jaws, so every time they appear to be trying to eat someone, they look like shiny muppets nibbling as a cake, rather than demonic beings with razor sharp fangs.

The thing is, Elves is so bad it's almost amazing. I couldn't look away throughout it, and wanted to cheer every time Grizzly Adams attempts to deliver his lines. The acting, script and production are all real bargain-basement stuff.

The cinematography is shoddy, the music is cheap, and everything is tacky enough for a real kitsch factor to kick in. For all of its faults, I really liked this film and would recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind spending 90 minutes with their tongue planted hard in their cheek.

TRAILER TREASURES: THE VIDEO DEAD (1986)

2011-10-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get hold of a copy of this movie for a while on eBay, but kept losing it to people with more money. At long last I've managed to win one, and am really looking forward to reviewing it here for you. It's a brilliant slice of 80s horror cheese, and I'm looking forward to revisiting a gem that is still yet to be released on DVD. Here's the trailer:

From your addict: a FREE Horror story download!

2011-10-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hey all, here's an early halloween gift from me to all of you. I wanted to hand out a fiction freebie in the run-up to Halloween, and here it is- UNDEAD AND BURIED, an original short story available completely FREE to download. Right-click on the cover below and download your copy!

I hope you enjoy the story, and please do share the file (or a link to this post) with likeminded friends and addicts. happy (early) Halloween all!