The Ghost of Babe Ruth Speaks

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 15:39:00 +0000

Hey fans,

Sorry I've been too busy to keep the blog updated. But you can read my brilliant thoughts by following me on Twitter or Facebook:

- Twitter: @ghostofbaberuth

- Facebook: Search for Ghost of Babe Ruth and "Like" me

To make it easy, I even moved my tweets to the top of this page. Aren't I nice?

When I have more time for long posts, I'll be back on the blog. Thanks for understanding.

Your pal,
Babe

What's the big deal?

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 22:23:00 +0000

This "drinking toddler" at the Phillies game... I don't see the problem. I was drinking beer at a much younger age, and I became Babe Ruth. So if you have a problem with that kid, I guess you have a problem with me too. For that matter, you probably also have a problem with baseball. And America. And freedom.

So which is it? Do we celebrate a world with Babe Ruth and toddlers who drink beer? Or do we shut it all down and move to communist Russia? Your move.

Saying hello to John Wooden

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 02:03:00 +0000

It's not often that I get to welcome another legend into my mist, but today I got to meet the Babe Ruth of Basketball Coaches: John Wooden. What a classy guy! I thought for sure he would want to chit chat with me and find out what's what out here, but all he really wanted was to spend some time with Nellie, his late wife. Can't blame the guy, I guess. He's written her all those love letters and now I think he wants to read them each to her one at a time. He doesn't realize that she already knows what they say.

Anyhoo, I'm sure we'll actually get to talk and get to know each other. I'm sure he's going to be very impressed with me, and I expect I'll be impressed with him too.

The blown call

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:31:00 +0000

Everybody's talking about the blown call by that umpire last night that cost Armando Galarraga his perfect game last night. Apparently Commissioner Bud is actually considering overturning the call and awarding the guy a perfect game posthumously. That would be hilarious and it would really piss me off.

Why? Because an umpire cost me a perfect game back in '17 and if Bud is going to award Gallarragga the perfecto, he should give me one too.

Maybe you know the story about that perfect game. I was the starting pitcher, and the umpire, some douche named Brick Owens, called a ball four on a pitch that was totally over the plate. I was pissed, and then that douche started jawing at me, call me all sorts of names, so I confronted him and we got into a little scuffle. For no good reason, it was me who got thrown out of the game.

Well, ol' Ernie Shore came into the game in relief. The baserunner got thrown out stealing, and Ernie retired the next 26 hitters straight for a perfect game. The Lords of Baseball have since decided that it's not truly a perfecto because he didn't actually start the game, but that's just a technicality.

If Bud is going to overturn the Gallarragga call, then he needs to go back and call that batter out on called strike three. Then it would have been ME who would have retired all 27 batters in that game, not Ernie Shore. And it would have been MY name in the record books as one of the few guys who ever threw a perfecto.

Commissioner Bud: The world is waiting!

Trip to alternate universe: Sarah Palin is commissioner

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:46:00 +0000

Sarah Palin is in the news today, blaming environmentalists for the Gulf oil spill. Here's what she said on Twitter:

Extreme Greenies:see now why we push"drill,baby,drill"of known reserves&promising finds in safe onshore places like ANWR? Now do you get it?

It was only a few months ago that she was pushing for more offshore oil drilling:

What we need is action — action that results in the job growth and revenue that a robust drilling policy could provide. And let’s not forget that while Interior Department bureaucrats continue to hold up actual offshore drilling from taking place, Russia is moving full steam ahead on Arctic drilling, and China, Russia, and Venezuela are buying leases off the coast of Cuba.

A contradiction? Not to an America-loving American like Sarah Palin. You must be an un-American greenie to see a problem.

As I've mentioned before on numerous occasions, out here where I am, I have access to an infinite number of alternate universes, and believe it or not, there is an alternate universe where Sarah Palin served as baseball commissioner during the time when she and the other owners conspired to keep blacks from playing major league baseball. Soon after she retired, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier.

I went to that universe and dug up a telegram from ex-Commissioner Palin, and here's what she had to say about Robinson winning the Rookie of the Year Award and leading his team to the World Series:

Black people of America: see now why we always were pushing for you to join us in the major leagues and stop playing in your own leagues? Now do you get it? What took you so long?

Sarah Palin: Twisting reality to suit her needs since 1947.

Department of Redundancy Department

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 28 May 2010 19:40:00 +0000

In yesterday's Chicago Tribune, it took two writers to write this beauty of a sentence:

"Kenny and Ozzie do not have anywhere near the relationship they once had and it appears that they only deal with each other when absolutely necessary," said a longtime scout who has been around the big leagues for a long time. "If the team continues to struggle throughout the rest of the season it could become a bigger problem that will have to be dealt with."

I guess you could call these writers "editor-free writers whose writing is free of editors."

And the decline of newspapers continues.

Ty Cobb Caught Vandalizing Signs

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Wed, 19 May 2010 22:43:00 +0000

I don't know if this is Cobb's grandson or not, but this Nevada politician seems hellbent on acting like the Ty Cobb we all know and hated:

Nevada Republican Assemblyman Ty Cobb of Reno is apologizing after a witness reported seeing him destroy a campaign sign belonging to Democratic Assemblywoman Sheila Leslie.

This happened last month, but his opponent has just created a new TV ad about it:

I asked the baseball Ty Cobb what he thought about this, and he laughed and laughed, just like the politician Ty Cobb. That's what makes me think they're related.

Here's what I want to know: What kind of asshole thinks it's a good idea to run for election using the same name as the biggest prick in the history of baseball, knowing that people are going to make the connection? Unless maybe his middle name is "Adolf" or "Pol Pot".

Repeal the 11th Amendment!

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 14 May 2010 23:07:00 +0000

You know that I'm a political junkie, and I'm fascinated by the Tea Party movement. One of their central tenets seems to be repealing the 17th amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which allows for U.S. senators to be elected by the people rather than by state legislators. I couldn't agree more. We must end the tyranny of the popular vote. Goodbye, Democracy -- you had a good run, but we're just not that into you anymore.

While they're at it, I'd like to propose the repeal of another, more sinister amendment: The dreaded 11th:

The Judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.

WTF were those jackasses thinking when they created this pernicious amendment?

I strongly believe that the judicial power of the United States SHALL be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.

Get that? SHALL be construed. Not SHALL NOT. That word "not" is the key word there. It means "don't" or "shouldn't." I believe in just the opposite. If you don't think repealing the 11th amendment will solve all our problems, you're not thinking creatively enough.

Just imagine a world in which the judicial power of the United States SHALL be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State. That is a world that I would love to live in.

In fact, in my current existence out here, I am able to travel to an infinite number of alternate universes, and my favorite universe is the one in which there is no 11th amendment. There is also no war, no global warming, and no Glenn Beck.

So I say, Repeal the 11th amendment! Who's with me?

Votes of confidence

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Thu, 13 May 2010 22:09:00 +0000

Never have I seen a manager go from getting a vote of confidence to getting fired faster than what happened to Trey Hillman. To wit:

On Tuesday, May 11, the Kansas City Star published an article with this headline: Royals' Hillman gets support from Moore.

“Trey is a tremendous leader,” general manager Dayton Moore said, “somebody who is very consistent with who is he is day in and day out. He’s exactly what our organization needs at this point in time.”

Today, just two days later, Hillman got fired.

"We felt a change was required," Moore said.

Reminds me of the time I gave a vote of confidence to Rose, my favorite lady at Madam Josephine's club, only to meet Ruby a few days later. I told Rose, "I just felt a change was required." She took it like the professional lady she was.

Sure, from an outsider's perspective, it would have seemed a little weird. But Ruby was awesome and you would've been on my side if you'd been there.

Dayton Moore, if you're reading, I got your back.

It's about time

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Thu, 13 May 2010 20:59:00 +0000

I've had my people on Earth lobbying these guys for quite a while, and finally their efforts have come to fruition: I've been inducted into the World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame:

“Babe was one of the first Germans to disavow his German heritage during the second world war,” Humanitarian Hall of Fame president Rick Frisch said. “He created a children’s foundation with 10 percent of his estate when he died ... I think there’s a more kinder, gentler Babe Ruth than many people perceive.”

My little girl Julia is going to the ceremony on my behalf. Very touching. I'm a little humbled. No, that's not a tear in my eye! I just plucked a nosehair.

I've got a new fan

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Tue, 11 May 2010 05:20:00 +0000

Reader P.Z. just loves the work I'm doing here at GOBR. He especially loves the comments I made about Arizona's new anti-immigrant law. Here's what P.A. wrote:

Read the damn Arizona law before you mouth off about it. It does no such thing. You sound like another marxist jerk.

The rest of the email is even more insulting, and I'm sure he didn't really mean it. I am Babe Ruth, after all. People love me!

A couple points I'd like to make in my defense:

- I checked into what the law really does, and I was pretty close in my description. But I was wrong about police being able to tattoo the letter "I" on people's foreheads. My bad. Instead, all the police get is a legal right to hassle and possibly arrest anyone who doesn't have "papers." I remember when I was alive, I used to carry my papers with me everywhere. Everyone has papers, right?

- I'm really sorry for my little mistake. I pride myself on never making mistakes or exaggerating the truth. I'm kinda like Fox News in that regard: 100% accurate at all times. I'll bet P.Z. is very familiar with Fox News. That must be why he loves my site so much.

I don't want this to get too serious. Immigration is a real problem in America, just like it's a problem out here, too. The person in charge out here is letting everyone in. The official rule is that all they have to do is die and then theyy can hang out with Hall of Famers like me. Even if they're National Leaguers! But in reality, out here, we do check their papers and segregate National Leaguers into a separate area. We only let them mingle with us if they praise the designated hitter. We give them a path to become honorary American Leaguers.

So P.Z., come back to the site. I promise to be ultra-precise and respectful whenever I talk about shit in the future. Just like Rush Limbaugh.

Greatest New York Ballplayers on MSG

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Mon, 03 May 2010 16:45:00 +0000

Last Friday, I talked about how the MSG Network -- the one that Chinese restaurants love to hate -- is running a TV series where some experts pick the greatest New York player at each position. They also have an interactive game where you, who probably know as much about baseball as the experts, can choose your own lineup. Here's a link to their website. If you have some time to kill, it's fun to play with it. What else are you gonna do, watch kitten videos on YouTube?

Anyway, the next show is on Tuesday (tomorrow), and they're gonna choose right fielders, so you might wanna get your Chinese food to go and watch the show from home. Here are the nominees for greatest right fielder in New York baseball history:

- Babe Ruth
- Mel Ott
- Reggie Jackson
- Darryl Strawberry
- Willie Keeler
- Roger Maris
- Carl Furillo
- Babe Herman
- Dixie Walker
- Rusty Staub

Um, this is going to be the shortest show in the history of TV. What is there to debate? I really feel bad for all those guys and their families, having to go up against me. They should put me in a separate category and let the others fight it out for the scraps. As for who I would choose #2, it would be Ott. The guy was short and powerful and a nice guy. He's the Nice Guy Who Finished Last, according to Leo Durocher. But he could hit.

Now that I've taken care of right field (twice), I'd like to tackle the other positions. Warning: Fans of the Mets, New York Giants, and Brooklyn Dodgers may be disappointed.

Catcher: Bill Dickey (I knew him and loved him; Berra always rubbed me the wrong way, so he can hit the fork in the road and take it)

1st Base: Lou Gehrig (the only question here is why his stats aren't listed on the MSG stats page. Somebody at MSG owes Lou an apology, and don't think he'll forgive and forget. He and his mom are ruthless.)

2nd Base: Jackie Robinson (Much as I love Lazzeri, I gotta give the Dodgers at least one member. I'll make it up to Tony at my next party.)

Shortstop: Derek Jeter (He's a born leader whose skills transcend the stats page. I believe he's never made a fielding error.)

3rd Base: A-Rod (kind of a weak position historically, so I'll give it to the current guy. The dude needs a little love.)

LF: Bob Meusel (would've picked Rickey Henderson if he'd played with the Yanks longer; might have picked Winfield because he gets extra points for sticking it to Steinbrenner, but I can't go against my teammate here. He knows shit about me that I wouldn't want to get out. Winfield is #2.)

RF: Is there any doubt?

CF: Mickey Mantle (tough choice between him and Joe D. but I think Mickey was a better player, and he's a lot more fun. He and I party together all the time out here)

RHP: Tom Seaver (gotta give a Met a chance here)

LHP: Earl Hubbell (here's your token New York Giant; I've already talked about how he's the toughest pitcher I ever faced)

RP: Mo Rivera (he's as much of a no-brainer in the bullpen as I am in right field)

Manager: Nobody. Do you really think it took any skill to win all those pennants with the players the Yankees had? Well, I guess it took one skill: writing. He had to write all our names into the lineup card. But I'm pretty sure every manager in the history of the Yankees, Mets, Giants, and Dodgers knew how to write (with the possible exception of Stump Merrill), so everybody's about even in this category.

So there you go. Evidently, they're still going to actually show the programs even though I've made my selections, so as long as you don't mind ignoring the boycott by Chinese restaurants, you should tune in to MSG and watch the program to see how right I am.

Catching up with the news

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 19:45:00 +0000

It's been a crazy week out here, sorry I've been out of touch. Being Babe Ruth is kinda hard sometimes, you know. Whenever there's a disagreement among all the old-timers, everybody always comes to me for advice. It's like high school and I'm the prom king. Just the other day, for example, Speaker complained to me that he was being snubbed by some of his old teammates on the Indians like Bill Wambsganss and Stan Coveleski. I asked him, Well what did you do? And Speaker goes, All I said was that I thought my '12 Sox could've kicked my '20 Indians three ways to Sunday. Speaker had no idea why that might offend people. Guy's dumber than Cobb when it comes to inter-personal relationships and shit. Anyway I told Speaker to stick to his guns and snub them right back. WTF is a Wambsganss anyway?

Anyhoo, I've been dealing with crap like that non-stop for the past week or so, and I'm just now coming up for air. So I'm a little behind, but I want to give you my takes on some of the recent baseball news:

1. First order of business, the MSG network* in New York is running a series about the all-time greatest players at each position in New York history, and next week they're going to be selecting right fielders. I'll have more to say about this in a separate post, but here is a taste: It is not fair to Reggie Jackson, Mel Ott, Darryl Strawberry, and the other nominees to go up against me. They really should have created a separate category for me and let the other guys fight it out for the scraps. More later.

*On a side note, I had always wondered about Chinese restaurants posting signs in their windows saying, "No MSG." Finally it makes sense: They didn't pay extra for the MSG network on their cable package! I guess Chinese people really don't like that network, because it's pretty pervasive.

2. Speaking of greatest Yankees, the Wall Street Journal ran a piece in which they judged and ranked a bunch of us "by stats, economic impact and cultural relevance" to select the Greatest Yankee. Guess who's number 1?

I guess there's really not much going on in the world of finance -- no major institution is being investigated, no major reform bills are being considered by Congress. So the Journal could easily afford to allow some young cub reporter to develop a "comprehensive" methodology to determine the world's most obvious conclusion. I hear the Journal is also going to come up with a comprehensive methodology to determine who is America's blackest president.

3. Ryan Howard's new contract is obscene, but I love every $$ of it. I love that he still had a couple years left on his current deal, so they didn't even need to extend him. I love that the Phillies are gonna be paying Ryan $25M per year when he's 37 years old, even though you can probably count on one hand the number of players of Ryan's type -- big, strong power hitters -- who were still putting up big numbers. Sure, when I was 37, I was still awesomely Ruthian, but that's just me. Much as I love Ryan Howard, he's not me. He's not even Frank Thomas (sorry to break it to you, Phans). You know what Thomas did at age 37: .219 with 12 HRs in 34 games.

You know why I love the contract? Because it shows the Phillies are now trying to compete with the Yankees, and it's just not possible. They're going to spend all this money and still come up short, and it's just gonna make it that much easier for the Yankees to keep dominating.

4. It looks like major league baseball is wading into the controversial Arizona law that, from what I understand, allows the police to demand the documentation of anybody who looks like he might be in the country illegally, and if he is unable to produce "papers," to then tattoo a scarlet "I" onto the poor guy's forehead. I really don't know what all the fuss is about. They did something similar in Germany back in the 1930s, and that turned out just fine.

What should baseball do? How about supporting a law to make every member and fan of the Boston Red Sox walk around with a big blue B on his head? There's no better way to subject them to the public ridicule they deserve than to force them out into the open.

5. That's all I got for now. See you next time.

Tampa Bay is not a major league city

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:43:00 +0000

So I was perusing the American League standings today, enjoying where the Yankees were situated, when I discovered something amazing: There is a major league baseball team in Tampa Bay! Not only that, but they're up there in first with my Yankees!

I'm sure you're as stunned by this development as I am, but it's true. As a public service, I did a little research, and it turns out that the Tampa Bay Rays (as they're known) actually played in the World Series two years ago. They may have even won it, I don't know how to check.

Anyhoo, what surprises me so much about this is that based on my experience, Tampa Bay was not a major league city, not in the least. The speakeasies were pathetic -- only one type of whiskey! And I visited better gentlemen's clubs in Hot Springs, Arkansas, than in Tampa Bay. And you would never put a major league baseball team in Hot Springs, Arkansas.

If you live in Tampa Bay, I'm sorry for you.

On the other hand, St. Petersburg, Florida, is a great city and light years away from Tampa Bay in terms of major league quality. If they were going to put a baseball team in Florida, they should have built the stadium in Ol' St. Pete. They had this one club there called The Sunshine Club that I used to love. They had truly major league dames there, almost as good as the dames in Manhattan.

So bottom line: What a mistake major league baseball made when they put the team in Tampa Bay instead of St. Petersburg. Maybe someday they'll fix their mistake. If they do, you can thank ol' Babe for the idea.

The first ambidextrous player?

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 16:37:00 +0000

So apparently the Yankees are considering calling up from the minors some pitcher named Pat Venditte. His claim to faim is that he's an "ambidextrous" pitcher, maybe even the first of his kind.

That's total bullshit. Have the Yankees really forgotten about me? Your ol' Babe was the first ambidextrous pitcher. For the first few years, I pitched, and pitched great. I would've won the equivalent of the Cy Young Award two or three times if it'd been around. (In fact, they probably woulda named it the Babe Ruth Award.)

Then, after I got tired of pitching, I became a hitter, and the rest is history. I truly dominated.

So I was first a star pitcher, then a megastar hitter. That's about as ambidextrous as you can get!

Jimmy Rollins: You are on notice

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 20:54:00 +0000

Last week, Jimmy Rollins announced he was going to use some new-fangled technology to attempt to break my record for the longest home run ever recorded.

But just before he was going to try it, he backed out, claiming some injury.

Dear readers, do not believe that for one second. I might be dead, but I still have some juice.

Here's what I did. First, I visited Jimmy in his dream, as we are allowed to do. But I was sneaky. I didn't visit him as myself, because that would be too obvious and Jimmy might get suspicious. Instead, I visited him as a florescent green dolphin wearing a Yankees cap. We were standing there on the Phillies' practice field and I flapped my flippers and shouted, "Ooh ooh ooh" over and over until I got his attention. In the dream, he turned, slipped on a bat, and strained his calf muscle. The hook was baited.

Next, I visited the dream of one of the clubhouse boys, little Timmy Dugan. This time, I appeared as a giant purple dinosaur, figuring he would have never seen one of those. I convinced him that placing a bat on the ground near Jimmy Rollins the next day would result in untold glory and fame for little Timmy. And also that I would hit a home run for him the next day because I love kids, and kids love me, and we're a happy family. Then I gave him a great big hug and a kiss from me to him, and then he said he loved me too. Then, because we were in Philadelphia, I threw up on him.

All that was Sunday night. Monday, before the home opener, Jimmy strained his calf during warmups. Was it caused by a stray bat laying on the ground? I'm not tellling, wink wink.

Bottom line: My record lives on. Let this be a warning to anybody else who dares to threaten something that belongs to me.

A tribute to Jackie Robinson

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 19:49:00 +0000

So today is Jackie Robinson Day across the majors, celebrating the 60-whatever anniversary of his first game in the majors when he broke the color barrier in baseball.

I don't hang out much with Jackie out here. We just don't travel in the same circles. But I do run into him from time to time at reunions and Hall of Fame get-togethers. He's usually holding court with a group of his guys, and I'm usually holding court with a group of my guys. Occasionally our groups get all mixed up and I end up telling stories about the best gentlemen's clubs in St. Louis to his guys and he's talking about race and politics to my guys, who, frankly, have no idea WTF Jackie is talking about. Makes for an interesting evening.

Anyhoo, so today is Jackie Robinson Day, and I would like to honor him and his achievements. I remember the first time I met him, back in '47. He seemed so impressed to meet me. And why wouldn't he be impressed? I was quite a man back then.

I was impressed with him too. I remember telling Claire, "That Jackie Robinson is going to be famous some day. I'm not sure how or why, but I really think he's going to change the course of American history in some way." Claire doesn't remember me saying anything of the sort, but trust me, I said it. I knew in my gut that Jackie was going to be one special mutha.

What else do I remember about Jackie Robinson? A lot of guys out on the Internets are talking about how Jackie played the game with such ferocity, how he led the Dodgers to the World Series all those times, how he put up with all the taunts and beanballs, and all that crap.

What I remember most about him was the way he tied his shoes. Once, I was watching him practice before a game at the 1947 World Series, and someone told him his shoe was untied. He looked down, then looked back up at the guy and said, "Thanks." Then he took his glove off, dropped it on the ground, bent over, and tied his shoe. He picked up his glove, stood up, and started running again. It was just so dignified, yet there was such passion and intensity in the way he tied that shoelace. Sure, he could've had the clubhouse boy do it for him -- that's what I used to do -- but he didn't. He just tied it himself. And just the act of tying his own shoe showed that he was capable of anything, whether it was standing up to a court-martial for not moving to the back of an Army bus or stealing home against my Yankees in one of those World Series games.

I once asked Jackie if he remembered tying his shoe during that pre-game practice back in '47, and I'll never forget what he said to me: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Yes, even the way he talked to your ol' Babe demonstrated the fire in his belly.

That Jackie was one of a kind, I'll tell you that. He reminds me of me. There was only ever one Jackie Robinson, but even more so, there was only ever one Babe Ruth.

I hope you enjoyed my tribute to Jackie Robinson.

Earl Woods is even more pissed

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 20:29:00 +0000

Tiger's not winning the Masters has sent his dad into a slight rage. And when I say slight, I mean Godzilla-like. I'm keeping my distance for a while. And Tiger better watch out, because ol' Earl is about to go all Freddie Krueger on Tiger's dreams.

Earl Woods is Pissed

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 19:41:00 +0000

Tiger's dad just watched the Tiger commercial, and he sought me out because he knows I have this blog that is read by millions of smart and wonderful fans. Here's the ad in case you haven't seen it:

When I saw it, my first thought was, WTF? Turns out, Earl's reaction was more like WTF?!?!?!?!?

Earl doesn't even remember saying those things, and he thinks that what they did was put take a bunch of his recordings and splice them all together, Roger Ebert-style, to create the commercial.

I asked him what he would really be saying to Tiger in this situation. He said he already has spoken to Tiger about the scandal when he visited one of Tiger's dreams. Here's what he told him in that dream:

Tiger, this is not the way we raised you. We raised you to stand up for your beliefs, not apologize and cower at the first sign of trouble. And your core belief is that, whatever you do, you do 110%... whether you're playing golf, or you're whoring yourself out to whatever corporate sponsor will have you, or you're having sex with as many ladies as possible. Where most golfers lay up and go for par, you get out the wood and go for the birdie. Where most married men stay faithful or maybe have one or two affairs, you have one or two affairs PER WEEK. That's who you are. That's who we raised you to be. You're Tiger fucking Woods.

And when you get caught--yes, it was inevitable you'd get caught--you don't apologize for it. You embrace it! You say, Yes, me likey the ladies! (Or however you want to say it.) You remind people that If they were in your shoes, they'd do the same. But of course, nobody could ever fill your shoes. Because you're Tiger fucking Woods.

Now get back out there. Go break Nicklas's record for winning Major tournaments. And break Wilt Chamberlain's record for bedding the ladies. I will accept nothing less.

Well said, Earl. People have been calling Tiger Woods "The Babe Ruth of Golf" for years. If he follows Earl's advice, he will have truly earned the honor.

Frank Deford needs a new hobby...

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 21:39:00 +0000

...because this writing thing ain't really working out for him. Here's his latest screed, titled Until a salary cap, MLB outcomes will remain predictable. The money quote:

[A]s long as there is no salary cap to equalize things, the Yankees and a few other rich teams are going to buy championships, while the little old mid-major cities really can't compete.

Here's something that also "remains predictable": complaining about how the Yankees "buy" their pennants. How about an original thought, Frank?

I've addressed this issue before, so I don't want to repeat myself too much. But there is one point I want to amplify: Major league baseball as a whole is better when the Yankees are spending money and winning ballgames. It's more popular and more exciting. More interesting. More fun. More Ruthian.

On the other hand, it's shitty and boring and forgettable when the Yankees suck. Just look at the periods in baseball history when the Yankees sucked. Does anyone know who won the World Series between 1965 and 1975, or between 1982 and 1996 Did they even play World Series those years? Nobody knows or cares.

Over the past 15 years, meanwhile, major league baseball has become more popular than ever, even as the Yankees have been winning like crazy! Attendance is at or near all-time highs, baseball is all over TV, and kids are playing it around the world. Even minor league baseball is more popular than ever.

If you're a fan of the lowly Royals or crappy Pirates, whose teams are so poorly run that they do shit like trade Jermaine Dye for Neifi Perez or give big contracts to scrubs like Pat Meares, just... be happy. Watch your guys play hard, be proud of them when they hit the cutoff man and go from first to third. Enjoy the smell of the grass, the taste of a hot dog, the little nuances of the game. So what if you don't win, you had fun didn't you? You couldn't really handle winning anyway. Leave that to the big boys.

One other thing: If you don't love the Yankees, then you must hate us. MUST hate us. On those rare occasions when we don't win it all, just bask in how good it feels to watch us lose. You'll have almost as much fun watching us fail as you might have if you ever were to succeed. Ol' Babe guarantees it.

But the one thing you should never do is whine about it. We're the New York fucking Yankees, and you're not. That's the way it is and ever will be.

Asked and answered part 2

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 21:06:00 +0000

From a column by someone named Danny Cross of something called Cincinnati CityBeat:

It’s often difficult to judge people who lived in different eras because so many things change: Consider that babe Ruth hit 714 home runs without steroids but Barry Bonds hit 762 after America let people who weren’t white play in the games too. Which is more impressive?

Mine.

You know what else was impressive? That I did it all while my body was maintaining a perfect equilibrium among all the venereal diseases that I contracted and the booze and hot dogs I ingested. I truly was a marvel of biology.

Opening Day Memories

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:03:00 +0000

Ahh, Opening Day. It brings back a floodgate of memories. All the home runs I hit, the batters I struck out, the dames I bagged, the booze I drank... it was all wonderful.

Let me tell you about my favorite Opening Day. It was the first game at Yankee Stadium, and I remember every detail like it was the back of my hand yesterday.

I think it was 1923. Maybe 1924, but I think 1923. I guess it was April something, because Opening Days always come in April. Yeah, it was April. There must be a record somewhere where I could look it up.

Anyway, I remember vividly stepping up to the plate for the first time in front of all those fans inside the building that they were already calling The House that Babe Built. The fans went wild. I don't know what I did in that at bat, but the next time I came up, I whallopped a big home run--the first one anyone ever hit at Yankee Stadium. I sure had a flare for the dramatic, don't you think?

I still remember how it felt to smack that jack. I have no idea whether we won the game or not, but that home run off Howard Ehmke is burned into my memory. Every now and then I run into ol' Howie and remind him of that slowball of his that I turned on in 1923 or 1924. He claims not to remember, but I know he does.

You know what else I remember about that day? The gentleman's club where I spent the hours of 8pm till 8am. It was in a red building on 93rd Street. I walked in smoking my cigar and announced boldly that I was going to take care of every lady in the house. And damned if I didn't do it! My two favorites were named Lillian, a lovely blonde, and Mildred, a fiery redhead. I'm not gonna get into any further details because a gentleman doesn't talk, but rest assured that it was the highlight of their day. And my day, except for the home run.

Anyway, I hope all of you have similarly great Opening Day memories. (Though I doubt it.)

The Babe's Season Preview

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 05:48:00 +0000

All the internets are posting their 2010 season previews, so I figured I gotta jump on the bandwagon. Here are 10 thoughts and predictions for the upcoming baseball season.

1. Yankees all the way
2. MVP: Jeter
3. Cy Young: Sabarthia
4. Rookie of the Year: Montero
5. Who gives a shit about the N.L.
6. Tigers will suck. (Hear that, Cobb?)
7. Biggest mid-season trade: Greinke to the Yanks
8. Biggest surprise: Just how bad the Tigers will suck
9. Biggest dissapointment: That I am physically unable to use an Apple iPad
10. Biggest prediction: Batshit insane Hall of Famer and Senator Jim Bunning (R-Kentucky) will appear on the Senate floor wearing his old Phillies uniform (minus his pants) and introduce legislation to retroactively award his Phillies the 1964 National League pennant. "Now, no one call call us chokers ever again!" he will say, over and over. Bob Gibson will appear out of nowhere and stick one in his ear. It will be the greatest moment in U.S. Senate history.

Just one more day!

The anniversary that wasn't

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 21:40:00 +0000

Some jackass brought up this bit of "history" today:

On April 2, 1931, a girl named Jackie Mitchell, 17, struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in an exhibition between the Yankees and the minor-league Chattanooga Lookouts. Ruth took a ball, swung and missed two pitches then took a called strike. Gehrig swung and missed three straight pitches. Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis voided her contract a few days later and said women could not play baseball because it was "too strenuous."

I can't let this go without comment.

First of all, I seriously doubt this really happened. I don't remember it at all, and I asked Lou, and he doesn't remember it either. He asked his mom and she also doesn't remember it. I asked Claire and she told me to take out the garbage, and I said fuck you, and she said go to hell, and I said you first, and then we made up and now here I am.

Secondly, if it did happen, I can tell you that there's no way I was really trying all that hard to hit that girl's pitches. I wouldn't have wanted to crush her spirits.

Third, I was probably drunk, or at least hungover. Or trying to get the hell out of there so I could hook up.

Fourth of all, she did NOT look 17 years old. She looked much older. And her father did not have any right to point that shotgun at me just for chatting her up.

Fifthly, look, sometimes when you see a pitcher you've never seen before, even if it's a girl, and the lighting is bad and you just want to get out of there and grab a steak, you may not be able to concentrate as well as you should and you might swing and miss a couple of times before you get the hang of it.

Not that that's what happened here or anything. Because I'm SURE it never happened. But if it did, that's what happened.

Or didn't.

Opening day: just two more days.

Why I got into politics

noreply@blogger.com (The Ghost of Babe Ruth) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 20:57:00 +0000

I first got interested in politics during the 1928 presidential campaign, when I heartily supported Democratic Gov. Al Smith (true story!). I didn't know shit about the issues or personalities, and everybody wondered why I was butting into the race. They probably believed it was because Ol' Al was from New York and I was a Yankee. Others thought it had something to do with Smith's pledge to repeal prohibition.

I assume the election was held in November that year, and I heard later that Al had lost, but I had just won my 6th World Series a few weeks earlier, so I was probably too busy getting bizzay with the ladies to give a damn. Some Republican named Hoobert Heever got elected, caused the Great Depression, and faded into obscurity. Or so I heard.

Enough time has passed that now the true story can be told about how I came to support Al Smith. Here's what went down: A few months before the election, representatives from both the Democrats and Republicans approached me for an endorsement. The Republicans took me out to a standard strip club/speakeasy and plied me with drinks and ladies.

It was looking pretty good for the Repubs until the next night, when the Democrats took me to a bondage-themed Hollywood nightclub, the likes of which I'd never seen before. I was sold! From that moment on, I shouted "Smith in '28!" to whoever would listen.

Now it looks like the tables have turned: it's the Repubs who are wooing donors at bondage-themed Hollywood nightclubs. Michael Steele, you're 82 years late!