Children are amazing little people. They absorb learning like sponges. And that scares me to death. Let me tell you why…

I often worry what kind of example I’m setting for my children.

Do I discipline strictly to set them on the straight and narrow?

Do I relax and let them learn for themselves?

In the end, does it really matter? I mean… look at me versus my brother and sister. I think my parents did a good job raising us. We grew up together in the same family environment. But we still turned out very different people.

So to try to resolve these internal battles, I try to stick by this one rule…

Encourage my children to be the best they can be at their natural talents and interests.

For my creative daughter, that means supporting and encouraging her creativity in music and art.

For my analytical oldest son, that means answering his never ending curiosity as precisely as he needs.

For my adventurous youngest son, that means trying to teach him to be safe while adventurous. (He’s not talking yet, so I can only do my best.)

How I try to manage my encouragement in a hectic family

Dealing with daily life in a family can quickly get you off kilter. It’s easy to homogenize how you treat your children.

The biggest problem I face is trying not to impose my world view of what they should be and how they should become it. Living vicariously through my children is not my idea of positive encouragement.

Positive encouragement focuses energy in a positive direction. That means focusing on their talents and strengths, not improving their weaknesses… at least not beyond the barest minimum needed to get by in life.

To help me do this, I try to develop personality profiles of their likes and dislikes, their strengths and talents, and their interests.

That helps me to maintain my focus on their encouragement needs, not what I think they should hear. And that is important because…

Why children need to hear what they are good at

I’ve read that you can tell a child’s natural talents and personality as early as six years old. That’s a flag that I need to start paying attention.

When children are supported and encouraged in their talents, they will succeed beyond imagination. They are going to be bombarded with school that tries to homogenize all children and what they should know.

They are going to face peer-pressure to become like other children.

You have the power to help your kids avoid many pitfalls of childhood and adolescence. Encouraging their talents and reinforcing their natural personalities will help anchor them so when the storms of peer-pressure blow they will be able to form their own opinions and make their own life choices.

In other words, they will become who they were naturally meant to be… not confused and lost.

Your voice will be in their subconscious to help guide them along life’s path.

I encourage you to start making your child’s personality profile today and encouraging their strengths and talents. And years later when they are trying to choose a college major you will have the information and proof you need to help guide them into a beautiful life they naturally love.

Do you feel you aren’t creative to come up with new encouragements every day? If so, this will be good news…

You don’t have to be original with your encouragement.

You see, the pillar of building belief and esteem in others is your consistency of words and actions. And consistency is a great habit that isn’t hard to develop.

Why you should give people you care about encouragement every day

You wife works hard every day, whether it is bringing in money as a working spouse, taking care of the kids as a stay-at-home mother, or just taking care of the house chores.

It’s tough working everyday, but she does it consistently. And it makes your life better. Shouldn’t you give back consistent love and encouragement in return? Just imagine how you would (or do) feel going to work to support the family every day. You need some kind of encouragement to give incentive to get out of bed every morning. That may be money, or a boss’s praise. But everybody needs something.

And here is the best part of being consistent… it will improve your life in two ways…

1. You will gain the skill to give praise and encouragement naturally, almost without thinking.

   It will become a part of you like any other skill that you practice. Imagine learning to play the guitar every day. At first it is a struggle with each finger to get it to do what you want. But eventually they will learn to form chords automatically on command. And the more you practice, the more it will just be a natural extension of your thoughts. You’ll think “C chord” and your fingers will form the chord without a pause or struggle.

   When you develop an encouraging spirit that is as effortless as that, then you will have a powerful skill that builds up everybody around you.

   That can help you at work, at home with the wife and kids, and among your friends.

   And that leads to the second benefit…

2. When you encourage others, they will want to encourage you.

   If you give, you will receive. Giving encouragement will build confidence in others and gain you respect as a caring and giving person. And next time you have a struggle, those people that you have encouraged will want to help and encourage you. It is the law of reciprocity. Let me explain…

   It is human nature to want to give back to people who have given to them. It was probably developed in eons past to keep peace and support the growth and stability of the first human tribes.

   Sure, some people may ignore this basic human nature. But if you encourage a large number of close friends and family there will be far more who will want to give back to you.

   And that is a powerful tool for your emotional survival. They will become your supporting community. You will benefit immensely.

And these benefits will come from simply consistently encouraging those around you every day. You will become a well-respected encourager.

Are you afraid that this will be hard?

It’s not if you find specific points in people to encourage and focus on those points. And repetition will build up belief.

Thinking about the guitar analogy again… the only way to master a song is to play it repeatedly. There will come a point where you don’t even think about the notes or chords anymore. You just connect with the song and it flows from within you with no effort at all.

And it doesn’t have to be boring. Let me tell you why…

Why you should use the same encouraging words every time

Do you think consistency is just about encouraging every day? If so, here is something important you should know…

Consistency in what you say is powerful, too.

Think about it. If you received the same message consistently, you would believe that message. And that is important if you want to encourage positive behavior.

For example, if your children struggle with cleaning their room, simply praising them encourages them to do it again. A simple phrase like “Your cleaning your room made me very happy because you are taking responsibility for your life” encourages mature, responsible behavior… and is more powerful over the long run than threats.

You may have experienced this in your own life at work. If your boss always gives you kudos for doing a task well, doesn’t it make you want to continue doing that task well? And soon you don’t even need to hear that praise to encourage you. It becomes internalized within you. You do the task well simply because you know you do it well.

Not to say you should use consistency to be manipulative (you should always be authentic in your encouragement. But you should be consistent to help others develop skills and talents that are their strengths.

How will you use consistency?

I hope you will become consistent in your encouragement in the two ways you’ve read here…

1. Encourage those you love every day.
2. Be consistent with your encouragement to instill belief in others.

Where can you see using consistency in your life to improve the quality of your relationships?

Authentic – based on facts; accurate or reliable

Meaningful encouragement is seeing something wonderful in a person that deserves to be recognized and rewarded… even pushed to be developed.

And that is where authenticity plays a consequential part. It builds trust.

Why you need authenticity…

Authenticity is based on trust.

Trust comes from a relationship developed over time where you have demonstrated yourself as accurate and reliable.

Be careful… trust can be destroyed in a moment.

If you give in to the white lie just to make someone feel better, you are violating your own beliefs and compromising your principles. And that compromise destroys your trust.

Think about it… you can’t be sincere with a person if you are not honest with yourself…

And you’ll never convince someone to trust you without sincerity.

If someone doesn’t trust and gain benefit from your encouragement, why do it in the first place? This isn’t just about making yourself feel better. This is about building others up into a successful life.

So, if you can’t get by with a little white lie…

How can you be authentic when you disagree with someone?

I admit, this is hard. But there is a way out…

First, instead of making a negative comment, find something positive to encourage. This has an added benefit if the person is doing something against your personal values (for example, a child’s clothing or personal hygiene choice). Let me tell you how…

You will encourage values you want to instill in that person through positive feedback. Positive feedback can be powerful stuff. It shows you care by giving attention. And your attention will be noticed.

So, if your son or daughter comes down stairs dressed for school in chartreuse green stockings, a fluorescent orange dress, and a hot pink sweater and asks you how you like their new outfit- you don’t have to tell them they have a wonderful sense of fashion. But you also don’t have to criticize there clothing choice. (That will either be taken care of by their peers, or they will fit in. Either way you’re not going to change their mind.)

Instead, tell them something that is true in your heart and still encourages them. You may try “Honey, I really love you because you care about my opinion when so many kids don’t care about what their parents think.”

And even if you never get them to dress better, you will encourage them to keep doing that thing that you truly value (i.e. care about and ask your opinion). And in the end that may pay off much better than fighting over clothing taste.

But what if there isn’t anything positive you can say? (Really? Are you sure you tried to think of something?). If you believe you can’t give positive feedback, then follow the old advice:

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all (diplomatically, not the silent treatment).

“Honey, we just have different tastes. You should ask your friends for an honest answer.”

So, how can you be more authentic?

There are three simple things you can do starting immediately…

1. Be Specific This provides identifiable facts for people to grab hold of. People will start noticing when they are using the strengths you identify and it will bolster their confidence.
2. Be Consistent Be dependable and reliable… even if it is boring and repetitive. Don’t be the unreliable flashy sports car that breaks down in the middle of nowhere leaving people stranded. Be the dependable beat-up truck that they can count on 365 days a year. They will always know they can count on you.
3. Be Assertive The thing with a “genuine article” is that you can look at it and know it’s authentic. The quality of the materials, the care of the workmanship, and the wear that creates character… all these evoke a mood of trust and authenticity in people. That is why the genuine article, whether desirable antiques or hand-made crafts, are so often much more expensive than cheap Chinese knock-offs. All it takes to be genuine is quality and care in your encouraging statements.

How can you be more authentic today?

Assertive: having or showing a confident and forceful personality.

Have you ever had someone look you straight into the eye and tell you something with such conviction that you can’t help but believe them?

It’s like Clint Eastwood’s steely-blue eyes silently screaming “You believe me… period.”

If you have then you have experienced assertive encouragement… and you understand the power of those words with that look. Here is why assertiveness is so important…

• It establishes your encouragement as believable and effective because people are engulfed by your confidence and belief. And that confidence is transferred into their self-belief.
• It can make people uncomfortable and squirm under your words for a long time… and that’s a good thing. Those words can force them out of self-defeating patterns by sticking in their mind. Imagine, every time they start down a self-defeating path, your encouragement is there stopping them like a mutilating thorn bush across a hiking trail.
• The next time they grapple with self-doubt, they’ll come back to you because you change them… their beliefs and actions. You are a powerful ally in their life. And to be successful, people need allies.

Three keys for you to be assertive…

1. Look them straight in the eye. Eye contact has more power than anything else you do. This single action will increase the effectiveness of your encouragement. Why? Because it is so difficult to look someone in the eye and lie. When you look them in the eye, they just know it’s the truth because you are opening a door into your soul.
2. Slow your speech. Fast-talk can sound flippant, hurried, and insincere… kind of like a sales pitch from a second-hand car salesperson. Slowing your speech makes you sound more authentic and sincere…. more believable. And it gives plenty of time for each word to be taken in and digested by people.
3. Touch the person (if appropriate). A hand on the shoulder or arm establishes a physical connection that further strengthens assertion that what you are saying comes from deep within you… that you are authentic and sincere. Note: Be careful… only do this if you know it is acceptable (spouse, your children, family). If there is any question, don’t do it!

These simple tips will make your encouragement believable and effective because they can’t help but see your confidence and truth.

And these simple physical cues will put the person in a strong receiving state. Why does that matter?

Words told to a person in a strong receiving state carry tons of weight

The person has let down their guard, they are completely open to what you have to tell them. And that is great. Here’s why…

Have you ever spoken to a salesperson who you trusted? You believed them. And when they recommended a product, you were ready to buy immediately. Why? Because you know that they have your best interests at heart. They weren’t interested in just making a sale. They wanted what was best for you.

You were in a receiving state.

And you were ready to buy immediately.

If you want to impact someone, you need to develop that trust. Being convicted inside yourself that what you are saying is true is how you get them to believe… because you believe it yourself.

What assertiveness tells a person

Being assertive says “hey, listen and believe me!”, “you’re important to me”, “I really care”. The door is open. You are putting in your confidence. And your confidence builds confidence in those you encourage, especially when you are consistent with your encouragement.

And be tenacious (without being pushy). Many people have problems with self-confidence and will easily dismiss what you have to say. Don’t let them! When you truly see something valuable in a person, tell them… over and over and over in different ways. Eventually it will sink in and that will move people to a positive mental state.

If you want to be effective in your encouragement, be assertive. That means instead of making off-the-cuff comments, sit that person down, look them in the eyes, take their hand, and boldly state your encouragement (remembering to be specific).

Who do you need to be more assertive with to make them finally believe you?

Do you want to be an encourager that changes lives?

The kind of encourager whose words people remember for years?

Then, next time before encouraging someone, think of a specific quality in them you can identify… a quality you recognize, admire, and value.

How can you easily remember to give specific details? At the end of this article I’m going to give you five simple phrases you can use in your encouragement that almost force you to be specific…

But first let me tell you why including specific qualities will make people notice and remember the words you tell them…

Why you must show that you care

Giving encouraging words without specific details people can grab hold of is like giving a Target gift certificate to them for their birthday… it sends the message that you don’t really know the person (their likes, dislikes, interests, or hobbies)… and you don’t care.

More importantly, it screams you’re not going to take the time and energy to find out more about them on a personal level. Sure, a gift certificate can buy dish soap or diapers (my family’s needs), but it starves for that personal touch that ties people together. Who wants dish soap and diapers for their birthday?

But encouragement that declares you know a person and care about them creates a personal bond that can last for years.

Here’s how you can be an admired and valued encourager…

The secret to becoming a valued encourager…

Vague statements like “I appreciate you” leave people asking why?

“What is it in my life that you appreciate?”

“What am I doing so that I know to do more of it?”

When you think about it, “I appreciate you” doesn’t mean anything. If you want to say something that connects with your recipient you need to be specific. For example…

• I appreciate you helping me bring in the groceries.
• I love you because you really give your time and energy to making our children creative. I saw the painting by Lauren that you helped with and it is fantastic. I know she will do better in life because of the help and confidence you give her.
• You’re so good at fixing things around the house. And it helps me by giving me time to spend on other chores.
• I really like the way you plan our vacations. If it wasn’t for you our trip would be miserable.
• You always make me feel wanted and loved because you actually ask about my life.

Looking at those encouragements you can see they point to a specific quality in the person. That sends a powerful message to the receiver… you actually noticed them and care about what they are doing or who they are as a person.

What’s more, these phrases include evidence that the person means something to you personally. Whether it is working with your children or making your vacations together better, it has a personal meaning to you. It has value because you noticed.

Why including personal meaning matters

Do you know many of your friends who don’t suffer from self-esteem problems? Here’s a great way to help them…

Encourage them in a way to build belief in themselves.

High esteem is built on evidence. The more a person succeeds, the more they believe in themselves and succeed more. Your encouragement can help by pointing out their successes and great qualities. And it is as simple as being specific with details about…

• An appreciated quality and how that quality makes your life better.
• An accomplishment that they should be proud of.

Here’s what you can do to immediately make your encouragements specific…

Next time you want to encourage somebody, whether your spouse, child, or friend, use one of these phrases to start your encouragement. They will help you be specific…

“I love you because…”

“You’re so good at…”

“I really like the way you…”

“You always make me feel…”

“I appreciate how you…”

These simple phrases can make all the difference between meaningful encouragement that moves them for years… and empty flattery.

Now, what about you? Do you have a favorite way to be specific in your encouragement? I would love to hear about it in the comments…