Today I want to share a subtlety about love and happiness.

I was once in a stake conference and I heard my stake president say that as a spouses, your number one priority is to make your spouse happy. I had heard him say that before. But this time, he explained it a bit more, and said something to this effect: ”Making your spouse happy means more than just doing things to make him/her happy. It means creating an environment in which they can thrive and be happy.” I didn’t hear anything after that because that’s when I went inside and started processing. I was in a loving relationship at the time and though my boyfriend had almost all of the qualities I wanted in a partner and he did many things to make me happy, I knew that the environment he created was not one in which I could thrive and fulfill my life mission, and thus have true joy. This was huge epiphany.

I was thinking of this again today as I contemplated what I look for in friends, colleagues, employees, collaborators, etc. For me it comes down to a subtle energy exchange. Do I feel drained, or do I feel energized? If I were to try to explain further I might use adjectives like openness, acceptance, and belief. If a friend, or even a stranger, were to tell me they are going to swim the channel, write a book, or have their baby with dolphins, I hope that I would say hooray!–and if I could, I’d try to help them achieve it. I believe that whatever the mind can dream up, it can achieve. I try to surround myself with friends would do the same for me. Although the occasional naysayer serves their purpose to inspire me, I don’t want to spend too much time around them.

I hope that as you contemplate the environment you plan to give birth in that you consider this. What kind of people and surroundings will allow you to thrive and have a positive experience? How supportive is everyone on your team? Is there anyone you feel uncomfortable with? You don’t have to be able to explain why. It’s never to late to change care providers, hire a doula, or decide to un-invite a friend. (you can always not call them when you go into labor–say it went too fast.) Just follow your intuition–which is just another word for Spirit. You can never go wrong in doing this.

I would love to hear comments from readers about how you followed your intuition.

She looked at me in the eyes and said confidently, “I actually home birth and need some midwife referrals.”

I was so excited, I knew a kindred spirit had entered into my life.    I have never actually had a home birth, but I knew that this was a mom who saw the importance of birth and wasn’t scared to share it!

She had been warned by her Mother In Law to tell “no one!” about her planned home birth, she was certain it wouldn’t go over well.  But Angela has no fear and is quite the missionary about birth and how it can be spiritual and powerful.

I invited her to my Hypnobabies classes and I got to be her doula too.  Her birth was amazing!  You can watch it here.

I was right, Angela is now one of my dearest friends.  We share the message about spiritual birth with any of the women who will listen.  Whether birthing at home, the hospital, a birth center or on the freeway, birth can be a spiritual experience.

Angela is so excited for our book to come out.

Having experienced four very different births, two induced and medicated at the hospital and two home births, I have discovered the spiritual aspect of giving birth. 8 years ago I was promised that bearing children would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior than ANY other time in my life. I have found this to be true, especially with my home births. I am so excited for this book to come forth and shine light on how birth can provide some of the most spiritual moments of a women’s life!

When I had my first baby about thirty years ago, I was treated with great respect and infinite tenderness. My husband was anxious. Nurses hovered over me by the minute. My mother, who had conducted the affairs of my own arrival in her bed at home, stood by with the kind of maternal anxiety I had witnessed in her on only one occasion. That was when I was to perform at my first piano recital before some of her friends.

I stayed in the hospital bed for ten days, scarcely lifting my arm other than to hold the new baby at feeding time. Then I moved home to mother’s for further pampering. I wasn’t an invalid. I was just treated like one. That’s how they did things then.

We had babies nearly every year after that, whether we needed them or not. Gradually methods changed. Twelve years or so after the first baby, our last child was born. By then, having a baby was a rather simple arrangement. I was home cooking waffles for our little destroying angels almost before I could cry out for joy.

You know, there is a tender scripture in John 16:21 that reads, “ She rememberteh no mare the anguish, for joy that a [babe] is born into the world.

Travail. Change. Joy.

Is there any joy in change?

We are pregnant and then skinny. We are young then we get old. We are born and we die. We are relaxed, then the bishop comes to call. We are single and then somebody’s wife (or vise versa!). Crickets sing, then suddenly it is Christmas.

Sometimes change comes swiftly, startling. Sometimes its pace is so gradual as to be almost unapparent. Sometimes it is announced (ready or not you shall be caught!) Sometimes change is subtle, secret, until it is too late. Often it is painful, traumatic. And sometimes it is the best thing ever to occur.

But joy?

Having a baby, holding a newborn, looking into the face of heaven is to recognize the partnership of God and change. “… weeping may endure for a night,” said the scribe, “but joy cometh in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

How can we be sure?

There are two important days in a woman’s life—the day she is born and the day she finds out why.

All of us have successfully accomplished the first. Now, if we can just grow in understanding of the second. That second day—the day we find out why we’re born—may lengthen to a lifetime as we grow in the gospel and in understanding of the plan of life with its governing principles, until at least we see that life is change, life is learning.

There is believing. And there is knowing. There is the mighty change that must occur in the heart of each of us before we can see God, see his face, and know that he is (See D&C 93:1).

And then there is joy.

When we succeed in finding out why we were born, we should understand at last that we are here to be tested. Change in all its many facets, is implicit in the test.

Change is the big challenge.

Change is pain.

… We can bear the babies and know that ever- wondrous joy. We can nurture the child and lovingly serve the needful, and in the process we can experience in part what the Savior did when he told the Nephites, “And now behold, my joy is full.” (3 Nephi 17:20)

Dear Gift of Giving Life readers,

It has been an thrilling year. We thought we’d have a book out, but it took longer than planned so it is not out yet, but it is DONE! It comes out in February/March, and ooh it will be worth the wait. I think I might cuddle with mine when I finally get a copy.

Some other good things that happened this year that are quantifiable:

• Our Facebook fans went from about 85 to 330.
• In 2011, our monthly active users on Facebook went from about 46 to about 1500/month.
• We switched to a new blog format where all our authors are contributing and where we post birth stories regularly.
• We made an official book website.
• We started pre-sales and have already sold in the triple digits. Yay!
• We have blurbs and reviews already.
• In 2011 we had 4 babies between us.
• Our blog had 13,000 unique visitors to our old site, and I’m not sure what the number is on our new site (we switched over in October).

My predictions for 2012 are that pretty soon after the book is out, our FB numbers will double, and double again by the end of the year. We will likely get inundated with wonderful birth stories and emails and maybe even a few haters. (All people doing great work have haters. So I figure we might get a few. We will send them love and light.) Our intentions for 2012 are to sell thousands of copies of the book and change the world one birth at a time.

I’m predicting that most of 2012 will be spent promoting the book, but we have already conceived a spiritual childbirth education class that we plan to develop and train teachers. So we might also work on that and maybe that will be further along by the time you open this letter.

In 2012 I plan to write a business proposal for The Gift of Giving Life documentary so that I can start raising money and get investors. This documentary will be for all audiences and will be about the spirituality of birth in different cultures and religions. That is my next baby. I hope the finish the proposal in 2012 and start hustling for money in 2013. But who knows, maybe you are reading this and have $100,000 extra dollars and were looking to greatly diversify your portfolio and you want to invest in an awesome documentary and then you can cut my work load in half. If so, let’s be in touch.

I estimate we will have a few more human babies, too. So far we have only one of us in the family way–due in June, unless anyone else wants to fess up that they are pregnant. I have my suspicions, but I’m keeping them to myself. Interesting. Just after I typed that sentence, my cousin called me and the second words out of her mouth were “I’m pregnant.” Apparently my telepathic message went far and wide. If anyone else wants to announce their 2012 baby here, please do so. We’d love to share in your joy.

I think we should come up with a name for them—these babies born under the influence of the Gift of Giving Life. Perhaps “Gift-babies.” If you had or are having a gift-baby, please post it here in our comments.

I anticipate that by the time you open this letter, there will be thousands of Gift-babies and gift-mommas joining you in community, many of whom have shared their birth stories here. And I hope that their spiritual consciousness about birth begins to enlarge our communities and the understanding of people and practitioners everywhere.

By the time you read this letter again in 2013, I hope we have far exceeded even these my wild imaginings. I know that we can and I can’t wait to see how it happens.

Much love,

Felice

You Already Are What You Are Becoming

Perhaps some of you have already set your New Year’s intentions. Even if you haven’t, that’s okay. I know that you are often thinking of your hopes and dreams and desires for change or transformation. And even if you haven’t spoken it out loud–it has already entered your heart. And what I am here to tell you today is that what you project onto the future, is actually here now. In this moment. The dream or change that you desire, has already filled in every room in your heart and is no longer even there any more.  It’s now in your blood stream.

We’ve just come away from a wonderful holiday this all about a birth story. I love birth stories. And you probably do too, because you are reading a birthy blog. But what we sometimes forget about Mary (and maybe all the women who’s stories we read) is that she didn’t become Jesus’ mother the moment of his birth. He had to grow inside her, underneath her heart for 10 months, just like all babies get here.

And that is how almost everything works. Almost everything grows inside of us, and then is born. Rilke is famous for saying “Everything is Gestation and then birthing.”  He’s not talking necessarily about human babies. But we grow and birth other kinds of babies all the time–like, a beautiful art project, or a book, or a change in behavior. All these things grow in our hearts for a while before we may actually make the art piece or decide to get baptized or to uplevel our relationship.

Some you know the story of my daughter, Phoebe, who told me 9 months ago (when she was 4), that when she grew up, she wanted to be a prophet. And so I asked her if she knew what was involved with prophet work. And she said no. So I told her, that according to the Bible Dictionary prophets (not to be confused with THE prophet), prophets teach righteousness, and they testify of Christ, so any of God’s people can be prophets or prophetesses. And she thought about that, and she realized that she was already doing that, and I agree, she is a great prophetess.

My little prophetess. At her baby blessing, my father blessed her that she would find out her mission early in life.

Phoebe also wants to be a mom when she grows up. And even though she doesn’t have a real baby. She is such a good momma to her kids.

So whatever your intentions are for the new year. I’d love to invite you to embrace the idea of how you already are, or do or have what you want and hope for.

We know that Jesus Christ, as a wee little baby, did not know everything about of his divine mission at first–the scriptures say “from grace to grace.” But that didn’t change the fact that even as an infant he was the Savior of the world.

Another example is Adam and Eve–both Adam and God, when they were talking about  Eve, called her the mother of all living, before she ever had a baby.

And thousands of years before Jesus was ever born and did his Atonement for our sins and sadnesses,– everyone on earth including Adam and Eve, could use to the benefits and power of the Atonement, as if it already happened.

When I think about the young Virgin Mary, I’m sure that that the angel’s visit to her was the beginning of her relationship with Jesus. She had to have already known that he would come, and loved him.

Even though my daughter is 5 years old, my relationship with her has been much longer than that.

I was a writer long before I ever published a book. And I was a healer, long before I ever knew I would become one.

Birth stories are magical and inspirational (especially those in our book). And I think it’s no mistake that one of the most powerful and most told stories in the Christian Cannon, is a birth story. And that baptism, that first ordinance that gets us in the door to Christ is likened unto birth.

If I could have one wish for everyone this New Year it would be that we could all remember that everything is gestation and then birthing. And so whatever your goals, even if you can’t tell the birth story of that goal yet, remember that you already are what you are becoming, and that each step of the journey to becoming has value. And by appreciating each day and each step, you honor the pregnancy as well as the birth. And if you ever feel stretched or heavy along the way, perhaps you’ll stop on a hillside to breathe and recognize that you are carrying holy cargo, and perhaps it is not heaviness, but abundance that surrounds you.

And if I could have a second wish this New Year, it would be that we can all recognize in each other, the good fruit we are each gestating. Just like John the baptist recognized the Savior in his mother’s cousin’s womb, and lept for joy. May we all have joy for each other and for what we are and what we are becoming.

I do pay attention to my dreams (and the dreams of others).  Perhaps this is because dreams have been key bits of communication and insight over and over throughout my life.  I have a vivid dream partially to thank for prompting me to pursue the reserved, unaggressive young man who became my husband over 10 years ago. Before that dream, I hadn’t really paid much attention to him, but how grateful I am that I got a nocturnal nudge in the right direction.  Some frightening dreams have alerted me to intense emotions lingering under the surface of my consciousness, enabling me to work through them and move on. I have seen my deceased brother and his wife many times in dreams, and those have brought me joy and comfort. And there have been many dreams of my children before they were born.

I’m thinking about one of those dreams today. Before I became pregnant with my fourth baby, I had several dreams about a daughter who would be joining us in the future. In several of those dreams she was a newborn, but in one of those dreams she was a feisty older toddler, probably three-years-old. I’m thinking about that dream today because my baby girl has been ill for several days.

We spent several hours in the E.R. last night and left without any clear explanation for her situation. There is almost nothing that fills my heart with fear and stress more than having a sick child. The Lord has assured us that my baby girl will be healed, but I still find my faith wavering and fears filling my heart. So, it was with a glimmer of hope that I recalled my dream from a couple of years ago. I have seen her as a thriving three-year-old child in my dreams. God has promised me she will get better. I just need to trust Him.

I have also been reminded of Barbara Bishop’s piece, “Dreams as Gifts of the Spirit,” published in Segullah in summer of 2009. She says, “In contrast with other versions of modern Christianity, Mormonism has an established and ongoing tradition that encourages individuals to seek personal revelation. The idea that dreams offer valuable information has been reiterated by many Church leaders throughout our history.” I loved Barbara’s piece and nodded my head in agreement all the way through it. I suspect that some individuals are more likely to receive revelation through dreams while others will hear God’s voice better through other means. For me, there is no doubt that dreams can be powerful messages from the Divine. I especially love Barbara’s closing words: “Like other forms of revelation, we have to ask and then wait for understanding. If we trust that God’s love manifests itself in dream narratives, spending time with them will yield the equivalent of a banquet table, overflowing with spiritual food that we can partake of regularly.”

I have seen God’s hand and felt His love through my dreams, especially in my role as a mother. Have you?

I learned a lot about this at my neonatal resuscitation training workshop earlier this month where Karen Strange recommended several books, including Babies Remember Birth (David Chamberlain), Parenting Begins before Conception: A Guide-For You and Your Future Child (Carista-Rosen Luminare), The Secret Life of the Unborn Child (Thomas Verney), and several books by Peter Nathanielsz,  MD, PhD, such as The Prenatal Prescription, which explains that “maternal stress during pregnancy has a profound effect on how well or how poorly a child functions psychologically throughout life.”

When a mother’s body is bathed in stress hormones, so is her baby’s body. On the other hand, when her body is bathed in oxytocin and other feel-good hormones, so is her baby’s body. Keep reading to hear more about how important this is and how to bathe yourself and your baby in life and love. -Lani

The Destiny of Your Child

By Felice Austin

There is an old tale from India about a queen who became pregnant. In their tradition they believe the soul enters the womb on the 120th day of pregnancy. On the one hundred and twenty fifth day of her pregnancy she became suddenly and violently ill. She was told by an oracle that she had attracted the soul of a demon who would wreak havoc on the kingdom and her life. Distraught, the queen went to her spiritual guide and asked if there was anything she could do or if she was doomed by karma.

Her teacher told her: “All is not lost. From this day forward, meditate on the name of god, and go out among your people and serve them selflessly, and practice the teachings of the ancient ways.”

So the queen went into the streets where she cooked and cleaned and fed and served the poor. According to legend, when her baby finally came, he came out peacefully smiling. The baby grew up to be not a demon but a saint.

It is possible for women to change or uplift the destiny of their child. And the womb is the place where this happens. I knew this on an intuitive level when I was pregnant, and was not surprised to find a scientific explanation several years later. In Louann Brizendine, M.D.’s book The Female Brain, she explains that the “nervous system environment” that a child (especially a girl) absorbs during pregnancy and her first two years becomes a view of reality that will affect her for the rest of her life. The scientific term for this is epigenetic imprinting. If a mother is highly stressed, or conversely, totally calm, her baby girl incorporates this into her nervous system. “This isn’t about what’s learned cognitively—it’s about what is absorbed by the cellular microcircuitry at the neurological level,” says Brizendine. (p. 20)

Studies in mammals show that this early stressed vs. calm imprinting can be passed down for generations. This may explain why some children born in times of stress have dramatically different outlooks than their siblings.

Therefore, the message is this: Take a deep breath. All that matters is right here, right now.

As you go plan your pregnancy journey, your birth, and the events that you can control in the first years of your child’s life, it is important to minimize stress, and provide a calm, supportive environment. To do this, you do not need money or luxury, merely consciousness. I have interviewed mothers whose situation could not have been worse during their pregnancy (war, extreme poverty, etc.) but they chose to be calm. Being calm is difficult, daily work. Some days you may fail—but only some. This is life.

You already know many ways to reduce stress: meditation, prayer, priesthood blessings, studying the scriptures and other uplifting books, attending the temple, calming herbal remedies, a soothing bath with candles, yoga, a massage, singing, dancing, long walks, and loosing yourself in the service of others. Since none of these are contraindicated, I recommend doing as many as you feel good doing. Take it easy.

I am also curious about who was with her.  The scriptures just don’t go into that kind of detail.  It is likely that a midwife or other female family members were there.  But then I asked myself, would a midwife have been available with all of those people in Bethlehem?  It seems that with all of the extra people in the city there would likely have been great need for the services of the local midwives.  Would Mary have been a priority especially given the circumstances of her pregnancy?  Would Joseph’s family have welcomed them into their home or would they have turned them away knowing that the timing of their engagement, pregnancy, and marriage did not add up? They may have either thought this couple had either broken the law of chastity or that Joseph was a fool for taking a wife who was not virtuous. Or is it that Joseph’s family knew she would need privacy to give birth and the best place for that would be the first floor where the animals were housed at night?  All we are told is that “there was no room for them in the inn[s]” (Luke 2:7, see footnotes). Did they attempt to find other housing and were continually turned away after his family turned them away?

Had Mary and Joseph come to the realization that they truly were on their own with only God to help them?  I don’t know but I find great comfort and power in these words, “and she brought forth her firstborn son” (Luke 2:7).  She did it.  Mary’s body gave Him mortal life. She gave birth to Him. Was her birth unassisted? I don’t know but there is no doubt she would have received Divine Assistance.  I think that Heavenly Father and Mother would be the perfect “midwives.” I would not be surprised if Mary was left to herself for at least part of her birthing time.  Regardless, I like how Luke has given words to recognize what Mary had accomplished. She did not shrink from her calling.  She embraced it.

At the same time, I imagine that Joseph did observe the yoledet and yet could not leave her.  I think he was her guardian angel.  Allowing her space for privacy, protection, and safety.  Was she to be alone just as her Son would someday be alone in the Garden of Gethsemane with only an angel to witness the event?  How sacred that moment must have been.  I can see her cradling His warm, slippery body against her skin in complete awe of what she was witness to.  After pondering the miraculous nature of His birth I am comforted knowing it did not take place in a noisy crowded inn, surrounded by people who may not have understood the sacredness of that moment.

I don’t know the answers.   But these are thoughts that have come to my mind as I have pondered my own Christmas miracle birth. Throughout my pregnancy I battled my own fears about birth after my first baby was born by cesarean.  I was pregnant with my second child when five days before Christmas I found myself alone waiting for my husband to come home while my body began contracting with intensity.  I went upstairs to pack my hospital bag and take a shower.  I was filled with relief as my husband arrived home but it also became apparent that this baby was not going to wait for the hospital.  In the midst of hurrying to call family, a neighbor, and 911, my son’s body pushed its way out.  I may not have been surrounded by domesticated animals but I did feel very primal and divine at the same time.  I felt a direct connection to heaven and an immediate kinship with Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus.  What a gift I had been given.  This birth taught me so many lessons.

I enjoyed reading this poem written to Mary (thank you Laura for sharing it).  Whether alone or surrounded by women I see Mary as humble and so very powerful at the same time.  How grateful I am to her for submitting herself to God so willingly. I look forward to sitting at her feet to hear the story of Christ’s birth in her words.

Do you have any thoughts of Christ’s birth you would like to share?  Have you had a birth near Christmas?  How did that birth change or enhance the way you have thought of the Nativity or the Savior?

We had a fun little family night last December. We sang some Christmas songs around the piano, made a Christmas ornament, and then watched The Nativity–a short depiction of the birth of Jesus. Here’s a YouTube version (this one has been put to music, but the original actually has the actor’s voices and animal sound effects).
I’ve seen this short film many times before, but this time it was different. Perhaps it was different because I so recently gave birth myself. Or because I’ve got birth stories on the brain. For the first time, I was seeing it as a “birth movie” instead of just a “Christmas movie.” As it came closer to the moment of birth, I found myself getting a little teary-eyed. While I’m not usually a crier, birth movies (and spiritual experiences) always get me. And then, as Mary neared the birth, probably in “transition”(3:40 in the youtube version), being comforted by her loving husband and midwife, I yelled at the screen, not unlike some men yell at the television when a football is fumbled. What did I yell?

“Oh, get off your back, for the love! She would not have been on her back!”

My husband’s response? “Hey, at least she had a midwife!”

Yep. I yelled at the Virgin Mary… sort of. Then I couldn’t help myself. I got wondering, and the gears in my head started going, and I had to know details.

My first question… would Joseph have even been with her? “The Nativity” depicts him tenderly touching her as she endures her labor. As it turns out, that would never have happened between a Jewish couple in those circumstances. Under Jewish law, once a woman has reached active labor, she gains the ritual status of yoledet. Her husband is then no longer able to physically touch her and is prohibited from seeing her naked (and from staring directly at her vaginal opening). She will remain in the ritual status of yoledet until she has had no bleeding for seven days and will then immerse in a ritual bath allowing her to resume physical contact with her husband. Some modern rabbis prohibit fathers from being present in the delivery room. The Bible itself does not specify where Joseph was, but, given the laws, I think it’s unlikely he was present in the same space as Mary during the birth. However, the shepherds did find them together afterward.

My next question… who was with her then? The Bible does indicate that midwives delivered babies in the Jewish tradition. So this is one point that “The Nativity” got right. I think it’s likely Mary was attended by at least one, probably several women. Some sources indicate that Joseph and Mary would actually have been staying with relatives in Joseph’s ancestral home (probably on the first floor which was often used to house animals), so she would likely have had experienced aunts or cousins assisting her. If not relatives, then surely a few of Bethlehem’s womenfolk would have been fetched.

How would she have given birth? Definitely not on her back! No ancient woman would have lain on her back to give birth. I think it’s safe to say, without question, that it never would have occurred to them. Mary would have spent her labor doing whatever felt most comfortable. The Bible indicates that birthing stools (called ovnayim) were often used.

Would it really have been a “silent night”? Well it wasn’t silent in “The Nativity,” and it probably wasn’t in reality. Between the animals and the typical birthing sounds, I’d wager it was pretty noisy in there all night long.

So now my mental image of Christ’s birth has been completely renovated. I’ve been a birth-lover for over 6 years, so it’s about time. I will no longer imagine Mary semi-recumbent or flat on her back pushing Jesus out in an open stable. Instead, I will envision her upright, surrounded and lovingly supported by women (and angels) beneath the shelter of a warm ancestral home where no doubt countless babies had been welcomed. It’s going to take some getting-used-to, but I like it.