The Good

I knew it would be good! I knew it! Some people hated it. However, A lot of other, smarter people raved about it. I for one am raving about it. Here’s the thing, I’m sort of tired of logically defining every aspect of life. What am I, a scientist? Don’t get me wrong, me and logic are like peas and carrots, but peas also have another cooler friend called mashed potatoes, and mashed potatoes represent feelings and emotions. Sometimes I discard logic for feelings, and that’s what I’m doing with Inception.

Here’s the recipe for Inception: start with The Matrix (everyone’s saying it, but it’s true), one of the all-time greatest films, and extract the feeling it gave you. That wonderful, overwhelming sci-fi-ish feeling. Put that in a mixing bowl and add in a generous helping of plot holes, Minority Report, a tablespoon of Vanilla Sky, a dash of Dark City, and the dark atmosphere of The Dark Knight (so much dark!). Bake that and eat it, and then you will fall asleep and have a good dream about a movie called Inception, which is about dreams-within-dreams-within-dreams. Sweet dreams!

I really need to see it again because it leaves lots of stuff hidden between the lines, plus it has that paradoxical element that time travel films often possess, and when I tried to think about it too hard my brain started to hurt. Maybe that’s because someone was in there last night inceptifying too many ideas at once. This movie was completely original and not based on any previous stories. I’m so sick of remakes and this was surprisingly refreshing simply because it was a brand new work of fiction. Christopher Nolan is awesome! Other people who are awesome: all of the actors in this film (minus Mal, she was depressing).

Some of my favorite parts of Inception are the whole dream-within-a-dream thing (did anyone else guess they were in a dream-within-a-dream in the first scene like I did? Count it!), the idea of “kicks”, all of the visual effects, the never-done-before zero-gravity hallway fight scene, and the awesome score by Hans Zimmer (wow!). Just check out this brief clip from the soundtrack:

The Bad

The problem with this film is that it might be too smart for some people. I realized it’s not the smartest movie ever to come out, but it’s a Hollywood summer blockbuster, which means it is being released amidst such generic and most assuredly dumb films as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The Last Airbender, and Salt, to name a few. The good news is those three films I just listed got terrible reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, while Inception got rave reviews, so maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. Still, I know there are a lot of people out there who just won’t be able to follow what is going on in Inception, and thus will say “it’s stupid”. Ha. OK.

There are two glaring problems that I noticed in this film. First off and superficially, all the action scenes in the Alpine third-layer dream were really annoying. They weren’t well done and they lasted far too long. Secondly, and this one’s more important to me, the dreams just weren’t, well, “dreamy” enough. Everyone had dreams of regular places and regular people doing regular things. Sure, in one of the dreams a Paris city street folded on top of itself, but if you think about it, that’s not really as ridiculous as the stuff we actually dream about. What I’m trying to say is, you know how you have dreams that sound retarded when you tell them to people? Why didn’t any of the people in Inception have retarded dreams? Everything made sense. That was sort of weird to me. I guess maybe the whole film might not have made sense otherwise, right? Still part of “The Bad” section for me.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. Joseph Gordon Levitt (3rd Rock From The Sun kid) and Ellen Page (Juno chick) are superb supporting actors, and obviously Leo was amazing, as he always is.

Plot – No Beratings. It was totally original and awesome.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. These people are dreaming, so why aren’t their dreams screwed up like mine? Also, if they were floating in dream layer 2, why not in dream layer 3?

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. Since everything happens in the subconscious, nothing is really that unbelievable. Brilliant!

Semantics – No Beratings. If I gave half beratings, I would give one here since the snow action scenes were really annoying, but alas, I don’t.

1/10 Beratings = See it the first weekend

The Berating Scale
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
» 1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

Here’s Some Not-So-Good Movies I’ve Seen Recently To Balance Things Out

The Hurt Locker: 5/10 Beratings

Depressing, no new territory (ANOTHER war movie…*sigh*), nothing really even happened. They’re dismantling bombs. So what.

The Blind Side: 5/10 Beratings

Totally cliched, seen it a million times, not great acting, I don’t really believe that’s how it happened at all. In a word, “Hollywood-ized”. Is that a word?

Invention of Lying: 6/10 Beratings

Thought it was going to be funny. There were maybe 2 funny scenes. Terribly disappointing. Plus, maybe a little blasphemous, depending on your mood…

Twilight: New Moon: 7/10 Beratings

I have no ill-feelings toward the Twilight series. It was not a good movie at all, but I completely see how its audience enjoyed the heck out of it. I’m just not its audience.

Alice In Wonderland: 7/10 Beratings

Why didn’t they just make this movie 100% computer animated instead of 98%? Way too outlandish, over-acted, un-inspiring, and nonsensical. I need at least a little substance in a film. This had zero substance.

The Men Who Stare At Goats: 8/10 Beratings

I don’t even need to explain why this sucked. Everyone who saw it agrees with me. Those who haven’t seen it are lucky.

Confessions of a Shopaholic: 9/10 Beratings

This is the biggest rip-off of a movie I’ve ever seen since Transmorphers. The movie it’s clearly ripping off is The Devil Wears Prada, which is a great film. This, however, ABSOLUTELY SUCKED. It might be in the running for my next installment of “Top 5er: Blacklisted Films”.

I have talked before about how it feels like we live in the future because of all the awesome things we have, no? Maybe that’s one of my 27 drafts that are waiting to be finished. In any case – cell phones, man. How in the heck can we talk to whoever we want with no delay? Also – flat panel TVs, dude. Do you realize we are seeing a crystal clear, insanely bright, fifty-five inch wide, high resolution image on an apparatus that is less than an inch thick? That’s a far cry from the overhead projectors we had in school. Oh and – the Internet. Think about that one. You can carry around a sleek little netbook and have access to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD from almost ANY PUBLIC PLACE.

I have said that to say this: you’d think that in a world with iPhones, organic LED TVs, and Internet everywhere, everything else would follow suit and get better and faster. You’d be wrong. I’m about to point out something in the following sentences that you’ve never consciously noticed, but has been driving you crazy. Sort of like when someone finally turns off a device that has been making a bunch of background noise all along and you suddenly realize how annoying it was once they turn it off.

We can all agree that technology is great – that is, once it’s up and running. It’s the getting it up and running part that I take issue with.

Here is the problem as I see it: gadgets and gizmos are getting smarter, more sophisticated, more complicated, and able to do so much more than they ever did. Well that’s good. Good for you. But, there is one thing missing: THINGS TAKE FOR FREAKING EVER TO START UP. Let me explain. 20 years ago I bought an original Nintendo console with the help of my parents. Here’s what happened next: 1) I put a game in, 2) I pushed the power button, 3) I entered a state of gaming bliss. That was it.

Conversely, 2 years ago I bought a Nintendo Wii. Here’s what happened next: 1) I pushed the power button, 2) I waited for it to load, 3) I ate a pastrami sandwich, 4) I hit A to get past the first warning screen, 5) I got to the menu, 6) I put a game in, 7) I waited for it to load the game, 8 ) I ate a Totino’s pizza, 9) I clicked on the game, 10) I waited for the game menu to load, 11) I hit A to get past the second warning screen, 12) I clicked “play”, 13) I clicked “yes I’m sure”, 14) I waited for the game to load AGAIN, 15) ANOTHER warning screen, 16) I finally saw the actual game menu.

WARNING EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WII DEVICES. THINGS CAN HAPPEN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Delicious. Do not eat if you are older than 15 years of age or you will literally get fat immediately.

And after all of that, I still had to complete several more steps – which I won’t list – and go through several more screens of loading various components before I even got to do anything.

With all of the effort involved in playing a simple game, is it even worth it? Sometimes I have 5 extra minutes where I feel like taking a load off and beating one level of a game. NOT POSSIBLE with a Nintendo Wii (or any other modern gaming console). It takes 5 minutes just to get everything up and running. I don’t want to have to schedule a time to play a video game.

“Well, TGM, I’m not a gamer, so your new theory doesn’t apply to me.” Actually it does, or at least it will very very soon. Ready for this little nugget? I have a state-of-the-art 52″ flat panel Samsung TV. Whether you realize it or not, one day so will you. Here’s what you can look forward to.

When I press the power button on my remote, it takes 35 seconds before I see an image. THIRTY-FIVE. What in the hoot-nanny could possibly be taking so long? I have ordered a meal from McDonald’s, driven to the first window, paid, driven to the second window, waited for several people to assemble and prepare multiple food items, received my food, and taken a bite of a french fry IN LESS TIME THAN THAT. When I used to have an analog TV with an electron gun in it (so old!) it would take around 5 – 8 seconds for me to see an image. ONLY FIVE TO EIGHT.

I love the Grassy Field & Trees channel.

Now, I realize it’s because the HDMI cables are carrying commands from my digital cable box to my TV via my 7.1 channel Onkyo receiver, which itself has to process the picture and sound through any number of its internal THX decoders and processors, and then it has to sync everything up, and there’s a million other things going on that I probably don’t understand. Yeah, that stuff’s pretty cool. But you’re missing the point, Samsung. You’re still not getting it, Onkyo. Why aren’t you paying attention, Motorola Comcast Cable Box? Go faster.

Isn’t this supposed to be the future? It sure sounds like it to me. Just say the year we’re in and it sounds like the future. “Twenty Ten”. That is definitely the future. If you asked anyone 15 years ago what they thought of when they heard the phrase “Twenty Ten”, they would say, “That’s totally in the future. Everything will be futuristic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Friends followed by Seinfeld on NBC Thursday night must-see TV. Whoops, hold on, someone’s paging me.”

Don’t even get me started on my BluRay player. ZOMG. I am absolutely not exaggerating in any way when I tell you this: it takes up to a minute and 30 seconds from a cold start to when it actually loads my disc. “But TGM, that sounds pretty normal to me.” Orly? Think back to your VCR. You put a VHS tape in and that son of a bitch would start playing immediately. BOOM. Watch your movie.

“I am neither a game player nor a movie watcher. So it still doesn’t apply to me.” Yes it does. Have you ever turned on a computer? This one really gets me. The other stuff – OK, take forever, that’s fine – it’s just fun and games. But a computer? You use computers for work. FOR WORKING. Yet, from a cold start, it can take several minutes for a computer’s processor to stop frantically churning so that you can actually open a program. Have you ever tried to click a program before the computer has fully loaded? And then nothing happens, so you click it again, and then two of them finally open? Arrrgh – frustration!!

Think about it. Processors are exponentially faster than they used to be with multiple cores and hyper threading and all that stuff. Memory is thousands of times bigger than what it used to be. Hard drives have higher RPMs and millions of times more storage space than they used to have. Yet it still takes the same amount of time, and even longer in some cases, to boot up your HP Pavilion Touch Screen Ultra PC as it did to boot up your Packard Bell 386 two decades ago.

What can possibly come next? Intel Core 3: The Most High.

More really good examples that you’ve probably experienced:

• My first cell phone 11 years ago turned on when I pressed the power button. My current cell phone takes up to 45 seconds to complete a cold start. Probably because it has more ring tones.
• My first 5-disc CD player could startup in 5 seconds and change discs in 10 seconds. My current Philips 5-disc shelf system literally takes a full minute to start up and takes 15 seconds to change discs. Probably because it has a USB port.
• My VCR could fast-forward the warnings at the beginning of movies. My BluRay player blocks me from pressing any buttons during warning screens, and also has twice as many of them to boot. Probably because it can stream Netflix.
• Paying at the pump used to consist of swiping a card and selecting an octane. I went to Kroger’s gas station yesterday and had to enter my Kroger Plus card number, then swipe my card, then answer yes/no questions on 3 separate screens, and then enter my billing zip code, and then finally choose the octane, only to discover my gas pump had the slowest flow in the world. Probably because it has a comfort grip handle.

See? See? Hasn’t this stuff been annoying you?! Scientists: hold off for a bit on the features and develop things that start faster, please. Once we’ve got everything humming along at lightning speed like you see on TV and in the movies, THEN we can go back to features. Deal?

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting away without a trademarked theory. I declare this phenomenon the Eating Scraps Effect ™ because manufacturers distract you with features until you don’t notice that you have to wait every time you want to use something, similarly to how William Wallace described the Scottish nobles as “so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank’s table that you’ve missed your God given right to something better.”

There is a link to an amazing article at the end of this blog post. But, before you click the link, you must agree with the following 8 statements. If you do not agree to all of them – ALL OF THEM – you are not allowed to click the link. I will be watching you as you read the statements and analyze them in your head. I have a plugin which notifies me by IP address when someone accesses my blog, lets me actually see back at them using their computer’s web cam, and then lets me disable the link so they can’t click it. I can usually tell by someone’s facial expression if they agree or disagree with a statement that is made. So, unless you A) don’t have a web cam, or B) have a great poker face, this applies to you. Yes, I went to all that work just to disable a link. That’s how important the topic at hand is. So, do you agree or disagree with the following 8 statements?

1. I get sick of all the Hollywood blockbusters that are churned out every other week.
2. I have decided not to pay $10 to go see Transformers 3 when it comes out in theaters and instead wait and see it on DVD, if I even see it at all.
3. I appreciated at least one of Christopher Nolan’s previous films for being smarter than the average Hollywood blockbuster (Memento, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight).
4. Critics have said Christopher Nolan’s next film, Inception, might be “too smart” for moviegoers. That fact makes me want to see Inception even more than I already did.
5. I agree with everything stated in this previous TGM post: Most People Like Terrible Movies
6. I agree with everything stated in this previous TGM post: Transformers Berated
7. I agree with everything stated in this previous TGM post: I’m Calling Inception
8. I hope Michael Bay slips on a stack of his million dollar bills and becomes paralyzed so he can no longer make any films ever. (Seriously, you need to agree with this one. He’s about to make another reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ANOTHER.)

If you agreed with all 8 of those, click on this link and read this awesome article written by someone who actually has good taste in movies. It’s basically an article saying what I’ve been saying all along, except written by an actual smart person who has higher than a 7th grade level of vocabulary. It pretty much bashes Transformers 2 and all other mindless movies like that, and glorifies smart movies like Inception. Here’s a little taste of how good this person is at writing to whet your appetite:

Audiences are a hungry breed. They want to have something to eat every single weekend and studios spend months preparing those meals. Yet, often there is nothing to “digest” at all — there is no substance to the meal, i.e. nothing for an audience member to contemplate later. It simply is what it is: filler, a snack, empty calories. Yet, as much as we complain about fluff films — as most summer blockbusters are — we all flock to the next big blockbuster. Maybe we just don’t know any better?

Here’s the article*

*If you did not agree with all the statements, yet you were able to click that link, then I hope you feel immense shame that grows with each word that you read. I still love you, but it’s called “tough love”, and it’s the only way you’ll learn.

Distribution of MLB Fans

Distribution of NBA Fans

Distribution of NFL Fans

So the question we have to ask is, why are these sports so different? Baseball has been around the longest, and it just screams “American” (was it invented here?) so shouldn’t it be the strongest sport with the most fans? Basketball and football are both newer and are played mostly indoors – how appealing is that? Isn’t it more fun to go out to the ballpark, grab a hot dog and a brew, smell the fresh-cut grass, watch the sun set, and sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame?

Today I think I finally realized the answer. It has been sitting there staring me in the face for years, but I just now recognized it. Take a look at the following sets of photographs and see if you can tell which set doesn’t belong:

Set #1: Some Random MLB Players

Set #2: Some Random NBA Players

Set #3: Some Random NFL Players

MLB is definitely the odd man out. Notice the level of ghetto-ness as it increases from set to set. The first set has a bunch of old white dudes and a silly black/latino dude who is the furthest from ghetto you can get. The second set takes a massive leap towards ghetto with the introduction of cornrows, fan punchers, and skull caps, and it even delves into the “crazy” category with The Birdman’s mohawk and tattoos. Finally, the level of ghetto tops the charts in the third set. All the sudden we have gold teeth, egomaniacal freaks, and dudes who actually had to serve hard time in prison for gangster crimes. So, I offer the following conclusion, and while I may not like it and it sort of scares me, as a proud American it is my duty to embrace it, because, hey – it’s science:

America Likes Gangsta!

That actually fits on several levels. For instance, look how the U.S. goes into other countries and bullies them like the gangster thugs we are. No one is immune to our gats and colt 45s. No one! Baseball: sorry, but America has dropped you like you’re hot!

(click the image for a larger view, or click here for the original hi-res size)

If seeing the bottom (or should I say lack thereof) of that pit does not strike an uncanny fear into your heart then I don’t know what will. Is this how frightening a black hole is? What even is a black hole? This puts into perspective how scary those probably are.

Both images are white on blue, circular, and contain the letter “W” in white text blending in with the inner white border. Uncanny! But here’s the most interesting part: I got the urge to blog from the commercial, so I blogged about the commercial, which is what lead me to blog in the first place, without which there would have been no catalyst to blog about itself. Or another way of looking at it: this blog post only exists if the commercial exists, which is the source of this blog post originally, which is in turn a post about the commercial itself. The question then is, which came first, the blog post or the commercial?

Wait, we got off topic. The point is, some dude ripped off some other dude’s work. That reminds me of how Nickelback ripped off their own work – remember that post? It was better than this one.

Scorsese does it again. While Shutter Island is not about the mob or gangs or Italy or wiseguys or illegal drugs, it still has that Scorsese feel. There are a few common elements carried over from his previous film The Departed, such as Boston accents and Leonardo DiCaprio, but that is where the similarities end. There are only about 10 “f-bombs”, in contrast to the 100+ in his other films. There are 2 violent/bloody scenes, in contrast to the usual 10+ in his other films. An finally, there are 0 crazy, old, tough-guy actors (Robert Deniros, Joe Pescis, and Jack Nicolsons), in contrast to 1+ of his other films. The point is that Martin Scorsese has deviated from the type of film genre he usually dabbles in (quite successfully) to venture into the realm of psychological thriller, and he proves that he is quite skilled in it. I’m hoping for a romantic comedy next, followed by a new installment in the college humor Van Wilder series.

The Good

When I go see a film in this genre, I am aiming to experience that good ol’ frightened feeling. Not the type that makes me jump out of my seat, but the type that runs a little deeper in the “disturbing” department and causes me to intermittently reflect back on the movie over the next week, remembering how disturbing it was and trying not to spoil it for people who haven’t seen it yet. So, how does Mr. Scorsese approach this genre? Take a look at the following elements that he uses in Shutter Island:

• A 1950s mental institution
• An island with one way on and one way off
• A lighthouse
• A brewing storm
• A German psychiatrist
• People smoking cigarettes (aaaaahhh!!!)

How can that movie not be scary? Even if Micheal Bay directed that movie, it would still be scary for at least 1 minute, depending on who composed the music. BURN! Think about it – old mental institutions are just plain scary because you never know what type of weird brain surgeries they’re performing on their patients. An island in the North Atlantic surrounded by 100-foot shear bluffs? Scary. A lighthouse? Scary (see: The Ring). A brewing storm? Adds that element of ominous evil. A German psychiatrist? Seeing as how the Nazis performed all those crazy psychiatric experiments – scary.

So, it is scary. We know that now. But what else was good? Leonardo DiCaprio was very very good. He plays the all-to-familiar character with a troubled past. But it’s what we find out about his past that blows the familiarity away. What really makes this film stand out, however, is the plot. If you haven’t seen it, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog post anyway, but at least don’t read the next sentence, because even though I’m not saying anything specific about the movie, it will still probably lessen the whole experience for you. Shutter Island is one of those films that you think you have figured out early on, but then it purposely causes you to second guess your initial prediction, and then it makes you go back and forth the rest of the movie. “Oh I know how this ends…”, “Nevermind, I have no idea how this ends…”, “Oh… wait, yep – I know what’s going to happen…”, “Actually, shoot, nope, I think I’m wrong… or am I?” And it makes you do that literally until that last frame of film.

This is definitely one of those movies that you will most definitely have to have conversations about afterwards. You know how people talked about the Spielberg film “A.I.”? Well this will cause some similar discussions. Pay attention to the very last line of dialog that Leonardo DiCaprio says. I know what it means – but did you catch it?

One final word on The Good of Shutter Island (spoiler!): it does such a good job with the insaneness of some of the characters, that a few times I started thinking things like “What if I’m not really sitting here in this chair watching this movie? What if I’m actually insane right now and none of this is real?” And I love that it could do that to me.

The Bad

There was a section of the movie, from about 60% of the way through to about 90% of the way through, that started to lose me. And that’s a big chunk of film. There was so much vague, referential dialog that I started forgetting who was who. I know the purpose was to make you try to figure out what was real and what was imagined, but it went on too long and started to lose some of the audience. It started to lose some of its realism and poignancy for me, and I wish it would have kept us guessing a little bit more. Despite the fact that later in the film we are thrown off the scent again, I don’t like how long of a section of the film I was sitting there sure where it was going to go, and some of the conversations could have been cut in half. The flashbacks started getting a little redundant too. They were all pretty much the same thing, and they were mostly in slow motion, which put me in a different place and made it harder for the film to pull me back in once the flashback was over.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. Leo shines, as do the psychiatrist characters.

Plot – No Beratings. Keeps you guessing, even after you think you guessed the ending.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. I’m deducting a point for the 60-90% section of the film I talked about earlier.

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. The insane factor actually makes everything quite believable.

Semantics – 1 Berating. The flashbacks were too much, enough to merit a berating point.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

The Berating Scale
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
» 2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

There are two levels of Fail. If a fail places in the “miniscule to minor” range, the reaction is always laughter. If the fail falls anywhere above that range, the reaction is always “Oohh!!” – regardless of language spoken. This video proves it. For example, watch the three clips in a row starting at 47 seconds in. The reactions are always “Oohh!!” because the person might be hurt. The very next clip (55 seconds) where the dude falls off the rock in the water merits laughter because he’s obviously not hurt. The only exception to this rule is if a woman is filming the fail, in which case the reaction is a scream.

1:13 with the dude jumping across the little ditch is hilarious. 1:40 with the guy roundhouse kicking the dude is epic pwnage. 2:33 with the bus almost hitting the man is amazingly miraculous. 3:58 where the dog flies up in the air is surprisingly funny. 4:10 with the exploding bottle rocket is possibly the best video I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen some pretty funny bottle rocket videos. Watch it a few times in a row. You might wet yourself. 4:48 where the guy runs up the crates is something I definitely want to try before I die. He almost makes it! I don’t even really consider that one a fail.