One of my biggest fears is deep water. I have always wondered why I’m so afraid of it. One time I was jet skiing in the Cayman Islands and I was cruising around within 50 yards of the shore. One of the boat captains had previously explained to me that about 200 yards off shore the depth of the water sharply dropped off from around 40 feet to a mile. A MILE DEEP. That is 5,280 feet, way deeper than 40! I decided to venture out and see what it was like to cross the “threshold” of depth. I revved my trusty Yamaha and went straight out toward the horizon. Suddenly, all around me, the water turned from light blue to black; I had journeyed over the great shelf. I was immediately filled with an ominous fear I had never experienced before (aside from when Taco Bell took the Volcano Taco off their menu). When I scampered back to safety and calmed down, I posed this question to myself: “Why is it that absolutely nothing changed when I crossed the barrier – my jet ski still worked perfectly, I had the same ability to swim, and the waves remained the same – but I was absolutely horror-stricken?” I researched the answer to this question for 3 solid years and have finally figured out the answer. In keeping with the TGM tradition, this is all totally scientific and full of completely accurate science.

The true fear presented here is actually going down beneath the surface into the depths, either in an ocean or a lake (lakes are almost scarier), and the jet skiing example is what happens as a result of that fear. Though filled with horror, I was able to be on top of the deep water and could probably do it again. It would be absolutely out of the question for me to actually dive into the depths and be “down there” by myself. But why is this so? As you will see, it is not due to any one fear, but a combination of all of our most common fears. Here are the reasons why deep water is a ridiculously scary concept.

1. Fear of the Dark

When you’re at the bottom of a body of water, you can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. Have you ever tried to swim as far down in a lake as you can? It gets really dark and cold really fast – about 10 feet down. Imagine being 20 feet down. Or 5,280 feet down. But even that’s nothing compared to the deepest point on the entire crust of the Earth, located at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean near Japan, called the Mariana Trench, which is 38,000+ feet (or 6.8 miles). If you put Mount Everest at the bottom of the trench, the top of the mountain would still be over a mile below the surface of the ocean. The bottom line is that you can’t see anything. Even if you’re not that far down and there is faint sunlight, everything below you would be complete darkness, and this definitely plays into our collective fear of the dark. In case I haven’t hammered my point home by now, just think about taking a walk in the woods by yourself. Not really scary. Now picture yourself alone in the woods in the middle of the night. I don’t care who you are, the dark is a scary thing.

2. Fear of Suffocating

This is the most obvious reason, but it still needs to be addressed. Have you ever gotten to the point where you swam down too far in the swimming pool and you seriously considered the fact that you might not make it back to the top before you ran out of breath? If you’ve ever been rough-housing as a kid with blankets and pillows and you accidentally got pinned down inside of a sleeping bag or something, and you get to that point where laughter temporarily turns to screaming, you know what a scary concept not being able to breath is. Even if you have scuba gear with you down in that deep dark abyss, there’s a chance a valve could pop out or you could run out of oxygen. You can’t see and you can’t really take a deep breath. Could it get worse? Yes.

3. Fear of the Unknown

Need I remind you there are lots and lots of weird, dangerous, freaky-looking creatures everywhere in deep water? There are over 1 million species of creatures in the ocean. I’d be scared if there were 1 million creatures in the ocean, let alone species of creatures, and scientists estimate there are an additional 9 million species yet to be discovered. That means we only even know what 11% of the creatures in the ocean are. Most of the beings in the ocean are things mankind has never even seen or heard of. Who knows what could be down there?

But it’s worse than you’re even imagining. Allow me to use another analogy that’s happened to you in real life so that you can gauge how truly scary this is. Think about a time when you were walking in a dimly lit basement trying to find something, or, again, walking in the woods at night armed with only a flashlight. All the sudden, something brushes up against the back of your neck. What do 10 out of 10 people do at that point? They become airborne similar to a frightened cat, possibly let out a very girly scream, and instantly turn around and shine their flashlight to see what it was. And every time, what is the thing that touched you? A leaf from a branch or the flap of a cardboard box. It’s never anything actually scary. But in deep water, it’s always something scary.

Think if you couldn’t shine your flashlight on the thing. And think if the thing was lots of things. And think if, even if you could see the thing, you probably would have no idea what you were staring at. You would be forever locked in that initial fright index of 100.

It’s dark, you can barely breath, and some weird things just touched you and you have no idea where they just went. But there is more to fear, I’m afraid.

4. Fear of Flying Insects

Think if you were in a canyon somewhere in Colorado taking a hike. It would be very much like the bottom of a lake except without the water, wouldn’t it? If you answered yes, you clearly don’t appreciate the gravity of the fear of deep water. Imagine that, as you’re walking along, all of the beetles and scorpions crawling along the ground, the huge, black, hairy spiders that are hidden from view in the cracks of the canyon walls, and the slimy worms and snakes that are burrowed beneath the ground, simultaneously started flying anywhere they wanted. That is what the bottom of a lake without water would be like. For the strange creatures underwater, there is no up or down. They simply go wherever they want as if they were flying.

Ever been around someone when a huge bug flies near them? Then you know how even the manliest men, even though they appear to be calm, quickly tense up and become filled with a secret fear that the bug might land on their eyeball or fly into their mouth, and that’s why men try so hard to kill them. Go to a park in the summer and observe a large group of people. You will most assuredly witness at least one person run for their life because a bug is flying around their head. Flying insects are just plain scary.

Unfortunately, in deep water, you can’t see any of the undiscovered freakish flying creatures that brush past your body as you grasp at your suffocating throat. That’s gotta be it, right? Wrong.

5. Fear of Being Caught

Have you ever been chased by a dog, even if you were just playing with the dog? It’s so scary. Dogs will always catch you, and there is nothing more thrilling than when you are running full speed away from the dog and each time you glance back the dog is 10 yards closer until it’s finally nipping at your heels. Now, imagine that same scenario, except instead of a dog, you’re running from a bear. You will be eaten if you are caught, and it doesn’t help that bears can run faster sideways than the fastest human can run forward.

When you’re at the bottom of a lake, everything that is around you was built to move in water. Everything, except you. If something truly frightening like a shark or a giant squid caught site of you, you could turn the other way and flail about all you want, but the monster will catch up with you in a split second. You can’t get away from anything.

Even if you had the wherewithal to see and breath, you couldn’t run from danger. It would simply find you and devour you.

There are lots of places that I wouldn’t want to be, such as trapped in a burning house or alone in the vacuum of space. But in the burning house at least I can see, and in space at least there aren’t any creatures that could get me. There are no other places in the universe that combine as many common fears as places like a mile below the surface of Lake Baikal or 7 miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean. It is because of the combination of all of these fears that I am so horrified by deep water.

First of all, I probably knew what 1337 meant before you were born, so some of the items on this scale will be a little too geeky for your taste. If that’s the case, you are hereby excused to your social life of gyms and nightclubs and water coolers and philanthropy. For people who spend the majority of their daily communication on such platforms as texting, IM, E-Mail, forums, and MMO’s, here is the official “texting laughter scale” which I found on a prominent web site out there on the Internet. This is very very official. It has been created by science itself. Just kidding, it was actually created by J. William Patterson in 1934. Can you believe how long this has existed? This scale is listed in order of how much you’re laughing at your keyboard from least to greatest and is case-sensitive:

1. ha
2. hehe
3. lol
4. rofl
5. haha
6. lolz
7. lmao
8. LOL
9. hahaha
10. lmfao
11. roflmao
12. omgrofl
13. ROFL
14. LMAO
15. LMFAO
16. ROFLMAO
17. OMGROFL
18. OMFGROFL
19. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
20. ROFLEARL
21. EARL

Those last two are undoubtedly new to you. That’s because something happened that was so funny one time that the Internet had no word for it. Thus “EARL” was born. It does not stand for anything, and it should only be used if your computer monitor is already covered with beverage spit. Please don’t abuse this scale. If something’s only a “hahaha”, don’t use a “LMFAO” because the person you are chatting with will think they are funnier than they really are and get a big head, and then they might get inspired to go write a “funny” blog post that people will have to read and comment on just to be nice, similarly to the post you are now reading. How’s that for self-referential recursion within a recursion? You just got Inceptioned.

I, for one, would love to be rich. Being able to partake in the finer things would be awesome. Five-star restaurants. No more broken down cars. Someone else to do my house repairs. A personal trainer to equal out my increase of Volcano Taco consumption. Oh that’d be so grand. However, that stuff would very quickly become boring, I’m sure. So, I’d like to think that I could do something more meaningful with my newfound financial responsibility, such as giving it away, starting my own charity, helping widows & orphans, and spreading the Gospel. You know, Bible stuff. Christian stuff. The trouble is, I don’t really do much of that now, so what makes me think I would increase those activities just because I had more money? More money would probably equal more distractions and stress, which would in all likelihood decrease those activities.

Well, here’s a great example of a few people that did what I’d like to think I would do. And by the way, they were just killed a few hours ago in the pirate-infested waters of Somalia.

According to this news article I read today, four Americans traveling around the world on a Yacht were captured and executed by Somali pirates. Apparently, there was a skirmish aboard the pirate ship when the U.S. military got involved. Unfortunately, they were not able to save the four hostages:

The officials said U.S. military personnel boarded the yacht and discovered all four hostages had been shot by their captors.

The officials said two pirates were killed and 13 others captured after a brief gun battle as U.S. forces took control of the boat.

What you don’t find out until most of the way through the article, is that the people were traveling around the world trying to spread the Gospel. I doubt the people were executed because of their faith, but they still died doing the most important thing in their lives:

Scott Adam, who was in his mid-60s, wanted to combine his love of adventure with his faith by spreading Bibles around the world, Professor Robert K. Johnston, of Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, said Sunday.

“He was sailing around the world and serving God, two of his passions,” Johnston said.

He said that despite an adventurous spirit, the Adams were meticulous planners who knew the dangers they faced.

Now, I have no idea what kind of people they were. However, I love this story (as tragic as it is) because here is an example of someone who has a lot of money and decided to enjoy their money while serving God. The could have given it all away, but they chose to go on an adventure. I’m not saying you should do the same thing with your money if you were rich. Some are called to give it all away, and others are called to use it as a tool. I think it depends on what type of person you are. My point here is that I respect people who live their lives for God, but I really respect these people for living their lives for God, know what I mean? Good work.

I can’t believe I discovered this band at the Grammys. The Grammys is a 3.5 hour block of egos, actor slash “musicians”, and occasional mainstream country performances. Amiright? Yes, I am right and correct. But something happened two nights ago at the 53rd annual Grammy awards show that knocked me off my condescending elitist horse. I saw a band I’d never heard of before perform a song with such fervor that I was instantly drawn to them. And the song was very, very good. Too good. I thought there was a catch or something. But after two days of pondering, buying their album, and watching Youtube videos of their performances, I’m convinced they’re the real deal.

I oft face a conundrum with music in general, and that is: why do most of the “best” bands have dark & depressing, overly-political, or blatantly atheistic lyrics? There are of course exceptions to this rule, but they are too few and far between. I’m happy to report that Mumford & Sons have narrowed that gap just a little. Here is their refreshing Grammy performance of The Cave to start you off:

Just in case that video is removed by the time you read this, you can watch it on (ugh, sorry) Perez Hilton here. And just in case BOTH of those links no longer work, the official music video they made for the song is here. Mumford & Sons are a folk rock band from England. That’s weird. Does England have folk? I thought folk was just America. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is India has created their own version of Hollywood. What? When did that happen? Anyway, here are some noteworthy songs from their album entitled Sigh No More.

This song is called White Blank Page:

This song is called Awake My Soul:

Finally, this one is called After The Storm. It’s one of the most beautiful and powerful songs I’ve heard in a long time. If you don’t listen to any other songs here, listen to this one:

The thing that draws me to Mumford & Sons, other than their music, is the message prevalent all throughout their lyrics. It’s a message of a God of grace, being called out to be a better person, and looking forward to the day when the sky is rolled back and we meet our maker. Below is an excerpt of lyrics from several songs off their album, in order:

Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

The Cave

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

Roll Away Your Stone

Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see

Thistle & Weeds

I begged you to hear me, there’s more than flesh and bones
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you’ve made

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me

Awake My Soul

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker

After The Storm

Because death is just so full and man so small
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Not only are those lyrics poetic, clever, and deep, they are full of hope and references to Christianity. I am blown away by this band and I can’t wait for them to release their next album, which probably won’t be anytime soon since they are touring all over the world right now. Hopefully if you haven’t heard of Mumford & Sons before, you can enjoy the music and/or lyrics I have posted here.

And if nothing else, at least you know that TGM is still a website that exists with blog posts. I bet you didn’t know that.

If Mike could dart
taking off like a Hart
he would fly like a fart in the wind.
Yet it’s always the same
with Brownie and James.
Oh, when will it ever end?!

If Manning were free
he would buzz like a bee
and complete it to Reggie or Blair.
If Charlie could block
we would see with a shock
that there’s room on the edge for Pierre.

When Sanders is back
the D will attack
with a Session of Powers and might.
They’ll pick up the slack
with a fumble and sack
at the mercy of Robert and Dwight.