I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.

I just need to vent for a second about the coverage that I have seen in the media regarding the 11/16/09 Sunday night Colts vs. Patriots game, and this is just in the 12 hours after the game. I’m not going to waste a lot of your time, and I wasn’t going to do a post about the game because it sort of speaks for itself. But by golly someone needs to stand up and defend the Colts against this biased, band-wagon jumping, star-struck, Tom Brady-loving nation.

ESPN’s game recap is here (specifically 3 minutes in).

First of all, Trent Dilfer’s an idiot. He mentions that the Pats’ playing style changed once they were up 2 touchdowns, e.g. they weren’t applying “the same defensive pressure”. Just last year Trent Dilfer was sitting in that same chair defending the Pats for running up the score on the Browns/Jets (whoever) because of the fact that “Belichick never changes his playing style due to the score”. Trent Dilfer, you contradict your own statements, and you say whatever you think will not get you fired from ESPN, and thus you are a stupid sell-out idiot.

He goes on to agree that the Pats are a much better team than the Colts. In fact, all three anchors admit this nonchalantly as if the Colts didn’t just beat the Patriots. WITH HALF OF THE TEAM OUT ON INJURY.

Seriously, Sportscenter?

Let me explain how a football game works to you telecommunications degree college dropout washed-up retired mediocre NFL player-turned-commentators: the Patriots scored 34 points, and the Colts scored 35 points. Points don’t hold a higher value when they are scored in the 2nd quarter as opposed to the 4th quarter (in fact you could argue that the opposite is true, which makes you even more wrong, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). Points also don’t increase the longer you have them. This isn’t bank interest, it’s a damned point in a damned football game. If you take 35 and you subtract 34, that leaves you with 1 – which is the score margin between the Colts and the Patriots, which means the Colts won, and thus out-played the Patriots.

Hold on a second – what about outside forces, such as cheating or bad officiating? I will now address that issue:

NFL’s game recap is here (specifically 2:30 – and everything Deion Sanders says).

Deion Sanders says for us to “watch the yellow line.” Deion: WHAT? I could say so many things about how I hate everything about the way that you choose to be:

1) The yellow line is not official
2) The view was not perpendicular to the yellow line, so the angle is not appropriate to judge the play (the official WAS perpendicular to the 1st down marker, unlike TV viewers)
3) Just because at one point in time a receiver is in front of a yellow line doesn’t mean that he can’t run back behind it. I bet you would love to give the Pats an unlimited forward progress pass if you could get away with it, wouldn’t you?
4) In the NFL when you bobble the ball you do not have possession. By the time the receiver obtained control of the ball AND his foot came down, the ball was clearly behind the yellow line.

It’s just another example of how the media loves to distract us with side issues instead of actually giving credit to the Colts for playing all 60 minutes of the football game. In my opinion, I think they’re threatened by us.

Something all these talking heads have in common throughout their analysis is that Belichick lost this game by going for it on 4th and 2. That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever because the Patriots have the highest 4th down conversion rate of any team, plus it was only 2 yards. If they got the 1st down the game would pretty much be over because the worst case scenario for the Pats would be that the Colts would have to drive all the way down the field and score a touchdown with 20 seconds and no timeouts. I’m sick of the focus, once again, being taken off the Colts and put on an irrelevant side issue. THE COLTS STOPPED THE 4TH DOWN CONVERSION BECAUSE OF A GREAT DEFENSIVE STAND. Nothing else needs to be said about this issue.

One more thing. I watch Sportscenter on ESPN 4-5 days a week, and I have been doing so for almost 3 years. I have noticed that the news stories almost never feature the Colts, even though we’re 9-0 and clearly one of the best, if not the best, teams in the NFL. For some reason ESPN has this huge aversion to the Colts. I don’t know what it is, but I’m afraid there is still a stigma placed on the Colts for leaving Baltimore in 1984, and I have several examples of specific instances where ESPN and other networks have alluded to this. Come on now, has 25 years not been enough time to dry your eyes, Baltimore? Jeez.

Thank you for letting me vent, blog. I will buy you a sweet tea from McDonald’s tonight. But only if they’re still a dollar.

There’s something inside of me that wants to be scared, and that’s why I am constantly pursuing the feeling of fear, whether it’s riding the most thrilling roller coaster on the face of the planet (Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point), camping in the middle of the deep dark woods, or seeing scary movies. Coasters and camping are still able to invoke a decent amount of fear in me (although not as much as they used to), but movies are unable to do so. I have not been truly scared of a movie for a long time. That is, until last night.

There have been some good movies that have come close. For instance, The Ring scared me, as did The Others and 1408. And I’m not talking about jumping out of my seat because something on the screen startled me, I’m referring to the sort of scared that sticks with you and interferes with your sleep. I realize that there are a lot of people out there who absolutely do not want to be scared in this way, and that is just fine. But if you are like me and you secretly love that rare feeling of truly being frightened to your core, then go see Paranormal Activity in the theaters as soon as possible.

The Good

They got it right, finally. The best part of scary movies is always the first half as everything starts to build up. It’s the closing act that is always the worst, because you see whatever it is that is supposed to be scary, and we all know that the only thing to fear is fear itself. That is to say, once we know what it is we are fearing, it suddenly loses its potency. The scariness of most scary movies basically boils down to nothing more than how long it takes until we actually see what it is we’re supposed to be scared of. The reason Paranormal Activity is so good is because it saves it until the last 10 seconds of film, and you could argue that it never really even shows us.

There are no credits, no movie studio logos, and no music at the end of the movie. You simply sit there too scared to move, listening to the low rumbling sound and staring at a black screen with just the faintest amount of greenish light coming through. Then you have to go home and try to sleep, and let me tell you this is no easy task.

This movie contains no gore, no special effects, only 4 actors, and takes place all in the same house. And yet it is the absolute scariest movie I have ever seen – bar none. It goes to show that you don’t need a bunch of fancy special effects and quick crazy scenes to make a scary movie. It is shot in a mockumentary style, similarly to Cloverfield, The Blair Witch Project, and District 9, and coincidentally I have loved all of those films.

The Bad

SPOILER ALERT

While I try to stick with the caliber of filmmaking when doing beratings, I can’t help but to point out something that bothered me about some of the motivations behind this film. The woman slowly becomes possessed by a demon throughout the film. The actors are aware of this since a psychic that comes to their house tells them it is not a ghost but in fact a demon. Being a Christian, I know that demons exist, and it is not something to be taken lightly. I am OK with talking about demons in a film, but the problem comes when you don’t talk about the other side of the coin: Jesus Christ. The only way to cast out demons is with His authority, and that seems to me to be a rather well known fact – even among the secular community (via films like The Exorcist). For a movie that spent so much time delving into the realm of the spiritual world, not a single thing was mentioned having anything to do with God (apart from a solitary scene where Katie was holding a bloody cross, which was subsequently burnt).

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. You never even notice the two main actors are even acting. They seem so real, like they’re just a young couple that are being spooked by a presence in their house.

Plot – No Beratings. The sequence of events and the build-up is what makes this film good.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings. Everything that happens is likely to have been recorded by Micah and his hand held camera.

Unbelievable Events – 1 Berating. I just don’t see how they wouldn’t be even more petrified than they were. I would have called a priest and/or left the house immediately Even though the demon followed Katie wherever she went, human nature still would be to run from the evil spirit.

Schematics – No Beratings. The movie had surprisingly well-done scenes and very eerie sound effects.

1/10 Beratings = See it the first weekend

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
» 1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

What is the difference between Left wing vs. Right wing politics? It seems like everyone’s an expert when it comes to this, and most people I have met are either Liberal or Conservative – despising the other party. Liberals hate Limbaugh, Beck, and Fox News. Conservatives hate Gore, Jackson, and CNN. That’s the way it is. Well I consider myself a little different, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn or to cop out of the debate, but I can actually see both sides! That’s why I love this infographic. Check it out – it’s a beautiful, almost perfect side-by-side comparison of the Left versus the Right when it comes to government. Seems to be very accurate, and easy to understand (click to enlarge):

(Image taken from here)

I know this is a lot of information to take in, but if I can just direct your attention near the bottom of the image under the Beliefs section, you will see what is in my opinion the crux of the matter: freedom vs. equality. They both sound like good things right? But which is more important? The Left says Equality, the Right says Freedom. It’s up to you to decide for yourself what you believe, and it is your right to believe whatever you want.

Now, why did I say this infographic was almost perfect? Because it’s missing the rest of the political spectrum, or more specifically, Libertarianism (and conversely Totalitarianism). Do you want personal freedom or economic freedom? If you want both, then maybe you should look a little closer at what else is out there besides the two-party system (aka one-party system) that you may have trapped yourself in.

There you have it, a political blog post brought to you by TGM. If I have alienated any of my readers (I know you’re mostly teenybopper fangirls of Katy Perry) then I offer this as my consolation: Twitter still sucks. There, now we’re back on track! Twitter’s so fat it uses a dreamcatcher as a belly button ring. Daaaaaamn!

Now I have offended all of the people on the Internet.

Certain things stand the test of time. To name a few: The Beatles, Seinfeld, original Star Wars, and hhhhwhiskey. The question I want to ask, right here, right now, is hhhhwhy? Why do some things stand the test of time no matter how widespread they become, yet other things get real old, real quick? I think it is because of the quality of the product. The more time, energy, and skill that goes into producing something, the longer it will stick around (duh). But what is a concrete sign that something was made with a higher skill level?

The answer is discretion. Too much of anything is not a good thing, and it usually ends up ruining a product. If you put too much of any one ingredient in a recipe, you ruin the recipe. Refer to the previous examples I gave, and you will see that they definitely follow this important guideline because they have been built with intentional discretion. Everyone loves Newman from Seinfeld, but he actually plays a very minor role. This is because the creators wanted you to get excited when you finally did see him, which made people want to watch the show. In a sense, it makes the show sort of feel fresh and always new.

Let’s think about one of the greatest all time video games: Super Mario 3 (on regular NES). Besides the obvious reasons that propel it into greatness, such as ingenuity, great user interface, great graphics (at the time), and memorable music, there is something a little deeper that makes this game stand the test of time, and that is the creators use of discretion. Specifically, the use of “special” elements, such as monsters, levels, and power-ups, that only appear once (or very few times) throughout the game.

The game designers had to spend a great amount of time on each and every individual element in the game. Every creature was conceived, designed, drawn, and animated with loving Nintendo care. So why would the designers go through all that trouble to create a creature, and then only put that creature in one and only one level? The answer to that question speaks to the point I’m trying to make, and that is, when it comes to products that are truly good, it’s not about efficiency, it’s about art. Nintendo execs could have gotten more bang for their buck by putting the angry sun from the World 2 sand level in a lot of other levels. Or could they?

Here are 13 examples of things from Mario 3 that only appear once in the entire game.

Sand Level (After World 2-3)

Most of the overworld views in Mario 3 show a series of numbered levels, a fort, a castle, and special places like the spade and mushroom houses. Take a look at the screenshot from World 2. Why didn’t the designers just save themselves some time and use the standard black square template and create another numbered level? Instead they chose to make a special, memorable level, indicated by a sinking sand pit. There are no other levels in the game marked with this image.

Tornado (World 2 Sand Level)

The sand level in World 2 previously mentioned is also home to another rare gem: the tornado! The tornado is a very unique feature because of the way you have to get through it. If you don’t get up enough speed, you will be sucked into the tornado and spun around and dropped back where you started. Very clever obstacle, probably taking designers a fair amount of time to program, and only seen in this one instance.

Pyramid (After World 2-5)

Going along with the Egyptian theme, World 2 also features a level that is indicated by a pyramid, the only pyramid level in the game. The designers went a little crazy with World 2, it appears.

Boat (World 3)

In World 3 the designers totally went off the beaten path in the overworld view. Every other world features a system of moving from level to level on a fixed “track”, but in World 3 you can hop aboard a boat and go anywhere you want! Why did they only use this system of navigating in World 3? It seems like such a deviation from the other worlds that it should at least appear in one other place in the game. But the designers knew that if they used it again, World 3 would lose its unique feel as being the “water world”.

Waterfall (World 4-1)

In World 4-1 you can jump up into a waterfall and begin swimming, and then jump back out the other side when you’re done. Brilliant, and only used once.

Kuribo’s Goomba (World 4-3)

We always called this the “boot” level, because you could knock a goomba out of a mechanical shoe that looked like a boot and steal it from him! Apparently this enemy is officially called Kuribo’s Goomba. Wow, is Nintendo from Japan or something? Anyway, also worth mentioning on this level is the fact that you actually play the level backwards, and then drop down and go back forwards again. This wasn’t worth splitting out into it’s own category because of the fact that there are other levels where you have to back-track to get to the right place, but it’s definitely the only level where you are clearly playing linearly from right to left, and worth mentioning.

Size-Changing Doors (World 4-6)

In World 4-6 the designers introduced the totally new concept of going through a magical door to an almost identically parallel level to the one you were just on, except the enemies are smaller, and some of the power-ups change. Again, the only level in the game with this sort of mechanism.

Spiral Pyramid (World 5 Sky Fort)

Moving along to World 5, we come across a transitional level that takes us into the sky, which is indicated by a spiral-shaped pyramid. It’s the only level that you don’t actually “beat” in the traditional sense. You just go through a pipe at the end and you are suddenly back in the overworld. This is the only level marked with the spiral-shaped pyramid, as well as the only level that you don’t actually “beat”.

Noose Light Bulbs (World 5 Sky Fort)

Inside this sky fort transitional level is a curious thing. In the background of one of the rooms there are two light bulbs hanging down on chains that sort of resemble nooses. Why the designers chose to place these in the background of this specific room of this specific level, we’ll never know. What we do know is that it is the only place in the game that they appear.

Para-Beetles (World 5-6)

You know that really hard level in World 5 where you have to jump on those flying things, which begin to ascend as soon as you land on them? Those are called Para-Beetles, and World 5-6 is the only level in the game where they appear.

Fire-Breathing Nippers (World 7-8)

One of the toughest and most surprising points in the entire game is towards the very end of World 7-8. You are strolling along, having just made it through the bulk of one of the most challenging levels in the game, and you come across two “Nippers”, which is what those little hopping white flowers are called. “Simple,” you say to yourself, “I’ll just jump over – GAH!!!” At that point you die because you realize the flowers SHOOT STREAMS OF FIREBALLS AT YOU. It is the only point in the game where the Nippers are capable of breathing fire. Tricksy little Nintendo designers!

Black & White Level (World 8-2)

I know this one seems like a stretch, but it’s actually pretty interesting if you think about it. World 8-2 is mostly black and white, with the exception of the sinking sand and the enemies. Two questions: 1) Why is this world done in black and white, and 2) Why are there no other levels in black and white? Interesting. One other thing of note: besides the sand level from World 2, this is the only other level to feature the circling Angry Sun.

Laser Beam Gargoyles (World 8 Castle)

I can just see how this one went down.

Designer enters boss’s office
Designer: “Sensei, we are designing Bowser’s castle in Mario 3. How can we make it unique and scary?”
Boss: “Wax on, wax off.”
Designer: “But General Tso, that doesn’t make sense.”
Boss: “Laser beams.”
Designer: “Sensei, you are wise and brilliant. Tokyo noodle sudoku samurai.”
Designer dies an honorable death

Bowser’s castle is the only level in the game with laser-shooting stone gargoyles.

Bowser’s Bricks (World 8 Castle)

At the end of Bowser’s castle there is yet another unique feature: red, breakable bricks that Bowser stomps on. There are no other places in the game that use this mechanism.

It is highly possible I have left out some great examples. If anyone can think of any, please post them in the comments. Also, one of the 13 items above is actually false – there are two of them in the game. I included it to weed out the casual Mario 3 players from the true fans. Do you know which one it is? (I can think of one person who will probably figure out the answer, a particularly tall gentleman from the great state of Iowa).

Honorable Mentions:

Angry Sun (only appears in 2 levels)
Hammer Brother power-up (only available in 2 worlds)
Conveyor Belts (only appear in 2 levels – I might be forgetting one though)
Frozen coins (only appear in 2 levels)
Elevators (only appear in World 7 and once in World 5)
White Flower Levels (only appear in World 7)

Half Life is my absolute favorite game of all time, and Gordon Freeman is the hero in the Half Life franchise. My love for Half Life runs deep, and has for a long time. I found an old blog post of mine from March 2008 with a link at the very bottom to a letter I wrote proclaiming my love for the game. You can see that letter here.

It just goes to show how beloved Gordon Freeman really is in the gaming community when you see him beat out every other hero except for Mario (with your help he’ll even beat Mario!), including such iconic heroes as Link, Mega Man, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, Sonic the Hedgehog, Master Chief, PacMan, Duke Nukem, Yoshi, Kirby, and Donkey Kong. Before facing Mario, Freeman was up against Link, and he SMASHED him 115,698 to 78,980 votes.

The Freeman lives!!! Go here to vote, or use the widget in my blog post!

The tallest structure ever built is complete. The Burj Dubai has been under construction since 2004, located in Dubai, UAE (that’s in the Middle East if you don’t know). It is one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever seen, in one of the most beautiful cities (structurally) I’ve ever seen. It is 2,684 feet tall with 160 floors, and it’s GIGANTIC. The record for tallest skyskraper in the world has been broken several times recently, but the Burj Dubai not only broke the record, it broke the record for how much a record was broken by. To give you an idea of how tall this building is, let me show you some images and compare it with other supertall buildings.

To the left you can see the tower as it nears completion. Do not adjust your television set, that is a real image of the tower. I know, I know, you just realized it is now the future. Happened to me too. The tower is a half-mile high, and it can hold 35,000 people. Just imagine waiting for an elevator at the end of the work day. Of course, since the building houses offices and residential spaces (and hotels and restaurants to boot), your rush hour commute could potentially consist of an elevator ride from the 150th floor to the 107th floor. That is, if you’re super rich.

Speaking of elevators, Burj Dubai has 56 of them, which are capable of speeds up to 40 mph (a world record). You still want more trivia? Ok, the air outside the building is 11 degrees cooler at the top than the base, and the top of the tower can sway 4 feet during strong winds. It took 22 million man hours to complete. All 700 private residences between the 45th and 108th floors sold out within 8 hours of being on the market.

So just how tall is Burj Dubai? Well, for a long time the tallest building in the world was the Empire State Building, which stands at 1250 feet with 102 floors:

After 42 years of owning the record, the Empire State Building was destroyed by aliens on July 4th. Just kidding, it was surpassed when the World Trade Center towers were built, which stood 1368 feet and had 110 floors, beating the previous record by 118 feet:

Is it just me or were those towers ugly? Well, they were surpassed in 1973 by Willis Tower (originally Sears Tower) which stands at 1450 feet and has 108 floors, beating the previous record by 82 feet:

Willis Tower held the record for a few decades until the Petronas Towers were built – the ones featured in the movie “Entrapment” with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Well those are 1480 feet tall, beating the previous record by 30 feet:

They were the tallest buildings in the world from 1998 to 2004. Then, along came Taipei 101, built in Taipei, Taiwan. Completed in 2004, it is 1670 feet tall, breaking the previous record by around 200 feet:

Holy cow that’s tall. Well I’ve got news for you. None of these buildings compare with Burj Dubai. As mentioned, Burj Dubai is a whopping 2684 feet tall. That smashes the previous record by over 1000 feet! Ever since the Empire State Building, the record for tallest building in the world was broken by 118 feet, 82 feet, 30 feet, and 200 feet. You can add all those together and Burj Dubai smashes the record by more than double that number. Just take a look at this infographic to get a feel for the scale of the buildings:

Wow! Feast your eyes on these images of Burj Dubai. Keep in mind the buildings in Dubai are really tall, ultra modern buildings. Look at them compared to Burj Dubai. They seem so insignificant. Also, keep in mind that the exterior of the building was completed so recently (within the last week) that there aren’t even images out there yet of the finished product. The following images were taken before it was even at its full height:

Now that your mind has been fully blown, let me go one step further in classic TGM style. There is a building in the works that is going to blow Burj Dubai out of the water. Remember in Star Wars when you are actually able to fully fathom the size of the Death Star? You are only able to do so when you use relative objects. We start out grasping how extremely large a Star Destroyer is. Then we see how miniscule it is compared to a Super Star Destroyer. Then, and only then, are we able to grasp the sheer size of the Death Star, when we see that a Super Star Destroyer is only a dot compared to it.

In similar fashion we have taken a look at the tallest buildings ever built, and then shown how insignificant they are compared to Burj Dubai. Now, we are going to fully grasp the size of a building that is currently being built by comparing it to Burj Dubai. The building is called Nakheel Tower, and it is being built in – you guessed it – Dubai. It is going to be 4593 feet tall. That is almost a mile! Take a look at some of these renderings:

That second one is interesting because you can see some other buildings in the works around the world, including the China 117 Tower in China, the Freedom Tower (1 World Trade Tower) in New York, the Chicago Spire in Chicago, and the Abraj Al Bait Towers in Saudi Arabia. Some Buildings in the works not pictured are the Shangai Tower in China, the Pentominium in Dubai, the Burj Al Alam in (*yawn*) Dubai, and the Federation Tower in – hey – Moscow enters the ring!

As for local news, let’s check in on the progress of a beautiful skyscraper being built right here in my hometown of Indianapolis. The JW Marriott tower – the 7th tallest building in Indianapolis, the tallest hotel in Indiana, and tallest JW Marriott in the country – is coming along quite nicely:

It’s actually a lot taller than that now, but that’s the latest construction image I could find. Hope you enjoyed this post!

Did you know a gaggle only refers to geese on the ground? In the air they’re referred to as a skein. I don’t know why I told you that. Maybe you should Twitter it you twidiot¹. I don’t always have time to Berate a movie after I’ve seen it because I have a job and a wife and there’s beer to be drunk and I’m too busy retweeting about Conan episodes that make fun of Twitter. J/k, what is a retweet? Is it something? Because I think I’ve heard of it. So I’ve decided that I still want to have a record of my reaction to movies I’ve seen even if I don’t have the time to write a full Berating, and in doing so I have made up my second new word of this blog post: Briefratings². And you’re about to get a gaggle of them and agree with everything I write as usual. (I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you to comment on TGM).

Here’s a refresher on the Beratings scale:

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

And now for the Beratings. These are not in any particular order:

Taken

Acting – No Beratings. Good acting job by Liam Neeson, as always.

Plot – 1 Berating. A guy’s daughter gets kidnapped, he goes and gets her back. Been done way too many times.

Inconsistencies – 1 Beratings. A very sophisticated and deep-running human trafficking operation was uncovered. And nobody cares.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. A guy kills people and blows up stuff in multiple countries and does whatever he wants and nothing happens to him. No arrests. No injuries. Only three people can do that: Jason Bourne, Chuck Norris, and James Bond, and they already have movies.

Schematics – No Beratings. Good action shots and tense atmosphere.

4/10 Beratings = See it at the dollar-fifty

The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift

Acting – 2 Beratings. Lucas Black is capable of only one facial expression: sullen.

Plot – 2 Beratings. I was 5 steps ahead of this movie the entire time.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings. At least the movie knows what its demographic wants, and it consistently gives it to them.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. A guy can’t learn to drift that well that fast. The same guy can’t wreck peoples’ cars and not face any real consequences. None of the characters react the way a real person would react to any of the situations presented.

Schematics – 1 Berating. Why is it always 2 in the morning? Isn’t there sunlight in Tokyo?!

7/10 Beratings = Watch it on TV

Luckily that’s exactly what I did. Let me just say that at least it’s better than Gone In 60 Suckonds.

Defiance

Acting – No Beratings. Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber were amazing.

Plot – No Beratings. Had me on the edge of my seat. Besides if I said the plot was bad I would be saying real life is bad since this is based on true events.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. Once again, this really happened.

Schematics – No Beratings. Haven’t seen a film like this in a long time.

0/10 Beratings = Stand in line for the very first showing

Ghost Rider

Acting – 2 Beratings. Nick Cage was not good. Neither was anyone else.

Plot – 2 Beratings. Baaaaaad plot.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. I don’t remember what it was, but I can assure you someone does something inconsistent with their character at least once.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. Just watch 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean.

Schematics – 2 Beratings. Unrealistic CGI, way too dark, bad soundtrack.

9/10 Beratings = Never watch it

Star Trek

Acting – No Beratings. I love no-name casts, especially when they perform this well. They won’t be no-name for long.

Plot – No Beratings. Although a little confusing and somewhat of a cop-out, it was very clever how they explained eveything with time travel. Doesn’t deserve a berating for plot.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings. Shucks, there could have been, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen it I don’t remember.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. I loved this movie, but I’m so sick of scientific liberties being taken with no regard for realism. Let’s just list one example: they would have died in the scene where they were parachuting to stop the drill. No question.

Schematics – No Beratings. Another well-made J. J. Abrams film.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

I Love You, Man

Acting – 1 Berating. I don’t find Jason Segel to be a very good actor, and he had a lot of screen time here. I also don’t like Rashida Jones. She got annoying after a few episodes on The Office and has stayed annoying ever since. Paul Rudd made this movie

Plot – 1 Berating. Nothing really happened. That’s OK as long as the movie in question is Dazed & Confused.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – 1 Berating. There isn’t a guy like Jason Segel’s character in the whole world, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be.

Schematics – No Beratings. A good comedy that doesn’t rely too heavily on slapstick humor.

3/10 Beratings = See it at the Five-Buck-Club

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Acting – 2 Beratings. Why was Kat Dennings cast to be in this movie – or any movie for that matter? She’s terrible. Micheal Cera didn’t do anything great either.

Plot – 2 Beratings. Nothing happened. Except pretentiousness.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. People don’t meet like this. People don’t act like this. They just don’t.

Schematics – 2 Beratings. I don’t like the way this film was made. It was so boring.

8/10 Beratings = Watch it purely for spousal points

More to come!

Footnotes —

¹ Twidiot: someone who uses Twitter as a public announcement platform for uninteresting personal things.

² Briefratings: do you seriously not know what this means?

District 9 is one of those rare gems where the cast is made up of entirely unknowns, directed by an unknown, and set in an unknown place (there’s a city in South Africa with buildings? is South Africa like a country or something? more ignorant questions). That’s why it’s such a good movie. It’s like Star Wars IV or Cloverfield or Napoleon Dynamite. I guess what I’m saying is it can only go down from here. So let’s all enjoy this movie while we still can. Everyone go out and see this movie and support directors that make special effects who are not Micheal Bay. Do it for the children.

SPOILER

An alien spacecraft comes to earth in 1990 and stops directly over Johannesburg and just sits there for like 3 months and the government wants to be humanitarian (don’t they know that word has “human” in it?) and go help the aliens so they go up to the ship and somehow break in to this ginormous ship even though they are incapable of firing the simplest alien pistol and find a million aliens who are all about to starve to death and decide to take them and put them in a sectioned-off part of their city called District 9 until they can figure out what to do with them. 20 years later it’s getting out of control because the aliens are breeding rapidly and causing crime and deaths and so the government decides to evict them and there are Nigerians involved who engage in gang activity with the aliens who complicate things because they are benefiting off of the aliens being in the city. The human protagonist Wikus gets infected with alien DNA and starts to change into one and is able to fire the super advanced alien weaponry and thus becomes invaluable to the government because they want to use him for his DNA. Oh and also the government is corrupt and so Wikus has to hide from the government and the Nigerians among the aliens while he is going through this transition.

The movie begins documentary style and for a while I thought the whole thing was going to be done in this manner, which at that time I wasn’t really looking forward to. About 20 minutes in it began to transition into live action in such a seamless manner that I didn’t realize until most of the way through that it had even made the transition. It was done in a very unique way and somewhat reminded me of the film making style used in Cloverfield. Let’s explore some of the things that made this movie good, and a few things I could have done without.

The Good

Let me just say that I loved this movie. I could see pretty well where the plot was going, but the journey was most of the fun. The first time one of the alien weapons was fired I got chills. The special effects were done in such a way that I almost forgot that they weren’t real. The visual style of District 9 is very gritty, and the special effects blend in very nicely. They aren’t colorful like Transfomers 2. They aren’t completely monotone and dark like Terminator 4. They are exactly what they should be – extensions of real life scenes and action sequences. For instance, one scene involves a truck ramming into a mechanical walking robot. The robot is CGI (not because it looks CGI, but because you just know it is), but the truck is real. They could have done the whole shot in CGI like they would have done in a Micheal Bay film, but they chose to blend the CGI with real world objects, and I have found that is where the best action sequences are born. Here are a few examples of good CGI/real-world object blending:

The actor who played Wikus is likable in a pitiful sort of way, although he makes bad decisions and isn’t the brightest man alive. I enjoyed watching his transformation, physical and psychological. The budget for District 9 was $30 million. In comparison, the budget for Transformers 2 was $200+ million. Despite this huge difference in funding, District 9 had much more amazing and poignant special effects, and overall felt a lot more real. There were just as many scenes featuring special effects in District 9 as there were in Transformers 2, because the aliens were in almost every scene. I realize T2 had to pay big name actors and went on a marketing blitz, but that still leaves at least $100 million for production expenses (probably much more than that). This only goes to show that what makes a movie good is quality and creativity, not money and sex.

The weapons were quite stunning. I found myself yearning to see another out of this world weapon being fired, and every time I got what I wanted. Such advanced machinery and technology in the same frames as dirty, run-down hovels and trash is what makes this movie stand out:

The last 20 minutes of the film blew me away. When Wikus was driving the mech-warrior suit and fending off an entire army of soldiers shooting everything from pistols to mini-guns, and then he caught that RPG in mid-flight and flung it aside, there literally were cheers in the theater, and I was one of the people that audibly cheered. I haven’t experienced audience response like that since The Matrix. It seemed like there was nothing that couldn’t be done, and nowhere we couldn’t go, and I attribute that to Neil Blomcamp, director and screenwriter.

The Bad

There were some unbelievable events, as well as inconsistencies in District 9. First of all, I don’t believe humans would stand for the type of violence and rampage caused by an alien race and not wage war against the offending party. Going in and nicely asking for signatures on eviction documents amidst blatantly unruly aliens that are fighting back and killing government officials is ludicrous. No human would enter with such light armor and limited weapons into an area with 1.5 million aliens, all of which are bigger and stronger than any human, and most of which have weapons that could take out a building.

Also, if an alien ship 3 miles long with a million aliens was hovering over a city somewhere on Earth, I don’t care which country it is in, the entire world would be involved – not just the local government. It was totally unbelievable how a couple of corrupt local government guys could be running the show in an event of this magnitude.

One inconsistency was that the ship was apparently broken and not able to return home, but somehow at the end of the movie one alien was able to fix it from the ground and leave. If he was able to fix it with no resources by himself 500 yards away from it, how could a million of them not fix it during the 3 months they sat inside the actual ship before humans “rescued” them?

Also, the range of intelligence and moral conduct amongst the alien race was not consistent. Every alien was savage, hostile, and not smart enough to not get killed by some very dumb humans. Every alien except one, who happened to be super smart and super heroic and super forgiving. Are there other aliens like this? Why was he so different from every other alien? The movie never explained it and it leaves a gaping inconsistent hole.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. I love no-name actors because they usually don’t seem to have egos.

Plot – No Beratings. Not the most complex plot, but original nonetheless.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating.

Unbelievable Events – 1 Berating.

Schematics – No Beratings. The movie was well-made, especially for a $30 million budget.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
» 2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

There should be another panel with Rorschach from Watchmen stalking Batman stalking the Splinter Cell guy stalking the goon, and then even one more panel after that with Chuck Norris stalking Rorschach. Whoa.

Update – another PA comic with the same style of circling plot: