The Girl in the Fat Suit

why am i so scared?

2012-02-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

so my last post was rushed late one night and typed out on a kobo ebook reader. But now i have a lovely keyboard, where i can type as quick or as slow as i want.

So yes, i am engaged. On the 2 hours into the start of the year my boyfriend of 4 and a half years asked for my hand in marriage. I gleefully accepted. But it does feel a tad of an anti-climax. No one has really wanted to celebrate, it feels like everyone is saying "oh he's finally done it" rather than "congratulations , you must be over the moon" So it has left me feeling a bit meh.

We have yet to go see our priest, so we have yet to have a date. I'm marrying mr laid back so he doesn't mind as to when , where, what or how...as long as it is done. It can be a little upsetting to try and get him involved and he rather just do anything else.

Now i don't want to sound like i am complaining. I am over the moon, and those rare moments when he does get excited, get involved mean the world. I think i just need a little moan.

So why the title of the post? well i need to look wesome in my dress...and i need to, or shall i say, would like to lose weight and a few dress sizes in order to go out and find my dress. But i am putting off rejoining weight watchers. I don't know why i am scared. The only thing i can think of is scared of failure.

i don't know...has anyone else felt like this? i don't seem to have the same enthusiasm as before.

new year new beginings

2012-01-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

Its fair to say i have not written in nearly six months, it is also fair to say that i have put on weight instead of losing. But something life changing took place on the 1st of january 2012; i got engaged tomy lovely boyfriend of 4 years. I am so happy about this, and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. This news also makes me actively want to lose weight, i want to look great in my dress. So, i need to staart this marathon, as slow and steady wins the racce, so i am told.and the wedding is in 2 years. Its doable!

Day 1

2011-08-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

So my last post was more for me than for you, it was a reminder that this is something i am going to do, and give it my best again. It's written down and something i now have to follow through.

I am going to have to reset all my stats, will add to the stats column and add my lowest weight. At the moment i won't be going to a class as my work schedule is all over the place and was one thing (along with laziness) that stopped the whole process.

Today so far i have eaten 37 out of my 47 points, i have no idea what to have for my last 10. i know i should eat up all my points. I am planning to get on the wii for at least 30 mins (stepping, boxing and hoola hooping).

I am also doing a shopping list so i can plan and make healthy meals, although i feel like i have forgotten all my healthy meals after binging on pizza, chips and take away for the past few months. I am getting fresh vegetables, lean meat, and filling foods. Although, and i am sure you agree with me on this, i just wish i could have a cook that made me my meals and said "here you go, it will fill you up and its super delicious!"

I have been using these wii weights and i'm hoping they will add to the work out. I use them when i'm doing my stepping, and i do the stepping for about 10 minutes, because you put it on in the background and watch regular tv and the wii remote plays a rhythmic beat so you can keep up with the steps. i also am using them for the boxing. I would recommend them as they aren't super heavy and you do feel like you have done a workout! I've posted a link of the exact ones i am using below.

Today has been ok, i've been trying to change my bad habits. I was some chocolate fingers on the table when i got in and instinctively went to have some, but i realised what i was doing and stopped. That's something to pat myself on the back for. These little things that we say no to, is almost an achievement in itself, because i don't know about you, but for me, it's hard to say no. Not when you are in your own home and no one around to judge you for what you are, maybe not even necessarily realise, eating. These first few days are hard if you have not watched what you ate. I'm sure my stomach has been stretched by what i have eaten, i now need to slowly wait and let it shrink back by eating sensible portions. Feeling hungry is the worst feeling for an over eater like myself. I'm feeling it now, i'm going to go have some strawberries (0pp) and drink some water to quiet down the pangs.

<br><br><br><br>rrrr

3rd time lucky?

2011-08-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hello again,
It's been, ashamedly too long. I was on the straight and narrow then life got in the way and i made bad food choices and lazyness fell into place. I've steadily put on the weight i lost and them some. I have found once again, my jeans are too tight, i no longer have anything to wear as my clothes look horrible on and harmless comments that have nothing to do with my size...are upsetting me.

So here we go again, take 3! Third time lucky? hopefully. I want to go away sometime this year, on a plane and i don't want to suffer the humiliation of being too big for the seat belt....or even seat! I started last night. I did 30 mins of Wii fitness, I've started to count my points. and i will weigh myself every Thursday night or Friday morning.

I'm thinking about buying the zumba fitness for the Wii but reviews say that it's not that accurate but as long as you are moving, that's all that matters. So i am umming and ahhing over that. I'm going to ask boyfriend to take brutally honest pictures so hopefully i will be able to see a difference when i start losing and can hopefully use that as encouragement.

That's about it. I just wanted to put it out there.

xx

Back on the wagon

2011-02-16T04:03:00.000-08:00

hey all, I've started weight watchers again, I've finished my second week and even though I've been a good girl losing weight I've been a bad girl when blogging on here. I've been blogging over on my other blog on the ww website. So I'm gonna post on there and on here... so this is yesterday's post from the ww blog.

Helllllo! Weigh in over and i can again proudly say that i have shed off another 3 lbs this fat suit! I'm so happy :D that's a total of 8.5lbs in 2 weeks which means i got my first silver 7! To celebrate i headed over to a zumba class.

It's so much fun with my friend, i still can't get my head round some of the steps... (there are too many people in front and i can't see) but other steps i can totally do! I'm just well out of practice...i haven't danced to a routine in about..... 14 years. It does get tiring, but if i ever sense myself slowing down, not doing it 100% i push through and try that bit harder! I always feel it in my thighs.

I'm super sleepy, Tuesdays are absolutely manic for me. I have rainbows at 5:15 for an hours, then gotta drive over to my friends to pick her up to go to weight watchers for 6:30 that finishes about 7:30 then we whizz over to zumba for 8 and that finishes about 9:15 to then drive my friend back home and if (like today) i had dropped the bf off my friends house to hand out with her hubby, pick him up to drive us home.... looooong 4 hours!

So not quite an essay this time. But i is sleeeeepy and 90210 is on!

loadsa love
from a 3lb lighter girl in a fat suit! :D Have a good week girlies and gents!

Rollercoaster Ride

2010-11-25T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hello all, I've been awfully quiet recently on the blog front, I've just been hard at work trying to meet a deadline with a business plan. I absolutely hate writing it, then i get into to and enjoy it then i get stuck and i go back to hating it... it's a vicious circle! However good news!

I have finally bought my domain name and have done a very basic layout with not very much detail in but it's up! I will get onto content next week or as soon as the business plan is finished... which ever is sooner. But check out what I've already done on www.sodelightful.co.uk any tips or advice as to what would make it better will be highly appreciated.

I have also been around to search for self storage, boy who knew it is such a competitive business! I get offers that can't be written down because competitors don't know about them, i get the hard sell... and it's so expensive! For what it is. I also visited the same company twice at separate locations and got completely different quotes and was being over sold insurance i did not need. I felt like an undercover mystery customer!

I alsocannot tell you have stressful this has been though, i have ended up in tears and a blabbering mess over a stupid profit and loss forecast! The deadline for this is looming and i just had a mini breakdown/panic attacks (well i assume they were) over forecasts! But i am calmer now with the help and support of my family and boyfriend. It's something i would keep private but I think it's something i should share. Starting a business has it's highs and lows, something everyone has heard and i never quite believed it to a certain extent. I hit such a low last night and this afternoon, well lets just say i will have puffy eyes that will last me through the weekend!

Many of you have been supportive towards me when i have posted the odd frantic/depressive/I'm a total mess tweet and i would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, they really did help. My mum also showed me a poem that i would like to share with you called "The Don't Quit Poem" http://www.thedontquitpoem.com/ It's suitable for all situations!

So i may have talked about my lowest point of this journey but i would like to make note that this is a positive post. Remember we are all amazing for our own special reasons! Yes.... You! :D

One step at a time

2010-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's been months since i have done any C25K training and will probably have to start all over again. So this in mind and knowing i've got to start moving i have started to use all my CardioTrainer apps on my android phone.

i've set my goal of losing 4lbs in 3 weeks, CardioTrainer thinks it's an ambitious goal with an average risk of failure. Ha i will prove it wrong! The plan we have put together is around walking 8 miles 5 times a week (weekends i'm at work and constantly stand and walk, however i don't know how much i do). The walking should roughly help me lose 0.35lb and eating around 490 less calories daily should lead to a weekly weight loss of 1.33lbs.

Yesturday CardioTrainer i walked i walked a total of 2.2 miles, but i'd say it was more around 2.5 maybe a little more as the satalite sometimes wouldn't connect properly. Today i did 1.5 miles around the blocks of my home. So, thats a total of around 4 miles, 2 days in and already half way to my target of miles!

I can't wait to weigh myself. i have to stop myself going, because that could be somewhat distructive. So yeah, one day at a time...one step at a time

A Quick Catchup

2010-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hi guys, i have been away really for a few months, laziness more than anything. I've had a few ups and downs, just trying to keep positive.

Since June i have put on 9lbs, mostly emotional eating, the need to fill a void, which i know food could not really fill but i gave it a go anyway.

My best friend and i are having a real rough patch for something i apparently said to her mum, but personally it's been blown way out of proportion and her and her husband have been real petty over it all, their behaviour has been quite high school. It upsets me that such a friendship we had can be turned around just like that over something quite trivial. It really has upset me, even questioning if this will ever end. I hope we can put it behind us, however this fight has spurred me on to want to relocate to where my bf is originally from, all i need is to train in the field i want to work in. Which is easier said than done.

I still have not started that first youth worker job, it's so frustrating. I think they are waiting on the budget announcements that the new government will be announcing later this week. I have a second one starting soon, this was pushed back a month as they were having "staffing issues" All these set backs just make it all the more frustrating. I just want to train and work! It's bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it all!

A move up north will be just what the doctor ordered really, Bf and i have loads of friends up there as we went to uni there and he grew up there. It's cheaper too.

So back to weight, i have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks and bought myself an amazing red dress to wear to the wedding, it's just a little tight. So on Monday i went back on the scales and learnt i weighed 10lbs more...not the end of the world, especially as i thought it would of been more... much more actually. I then reweighed myself yesterday, and within 5 days i had lost 5lbs. It's a great motivation. I'd love to be what i was at my lowest at this journey and then carry on! So, i have 2 more weeks to loose another 5 lbs. It's totally do-able! I've gotta stay positive and focus on me! I'll defo post up pictures of this amazing dress!

I want to do this.

2010-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

This little business is something i REALLY want to succeed in. I want to create my OWN business. For many reasons of course.

The main idea of it of course did come from profit... as with any business profit must be made, i earn around £200 a month with my job, I'm not signing on as well.... whats the point for an extra £8 a month? So yeah i do want to earn a little bit of extra money whilst my life settles financial wise. But secondly and most importantly, us plus size ladies, and we are young ones too are somewhat fashion orientated, some of us are loosing weight and cannot afford to buy in between size clothes and we make do. Especially if shops such as Evans can get away charging nearly £30 for a Tshirt!

So this is my plan, I am going to open up a website, and sell good quality clothes, shoes, bags...whatever, both new and second hand (pre loved ;) )for less than £10, most Items probably less than £5. I want to create a rapport with clients, get to know their sizes and their likes and dislikes and recommend items to them. Most of all i want my clients to feel special when they order, excited to open their pink package that arrived, rip open the pink tissue paper that envelopes their new garments and find not only the item they wanted but a little personalised note to them thanking them for their time and for purchasing their item and i hope they are very happy together.

These clothes are from one plus size girl to another. With love and a passion for fashion. My company will be a girly girl company, who is friendly, approachable, non judgemental and personal. It will be called So Delightful.

So i have a lot to do.... now, to find a cheap domain, that comes with email and to relearn HTML.

So my question to you. If this all took off, would you consider buying some clothes online from me?

The Entrepreneur in Me

2010-09-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

I've been away from the world of blogging and twitter for a few weeks with some half hearted attempts to rejoining the world. But I'm fresh off my hols and i am back! Just before i went on holiday i did a little self plug on my clothes on ebay. Well it did so well, that not only was i impressed but so was the boyfriend's parents and not only did they insist me keeping the money i raised but to invest it into a mini business.

So i invested some of that money into acquiring new "stock" at rock bottom prices of course and have a new "range" on my ebay page with many items starting off at 99p.

I have bought myself pink postage bags, i have a logo i have always used but need a name to go with those initials in the logo. I'm thinking So Delightful! So i have some amazing plus size stock....cheap prices...now all i need is the customers. All you lovely people are doing amazingly well on your weight losses it can be very expensive to buy clothes when you are in between sizes. I am cheap! Many items less than £5 and the postage and packaging are fair because it does include the postage as well as the packaging.

What do you say? Will you have a look at my ebay page? I do have more to put up, that's tonight's job. But if you like what you see will you pass on the secret to any other friends or relatives? I'm gonna look at some of the sizes more closely as i have a size 30 dress suit (£5.99 or £10 buy it now) but it looks like i can fit into it and i am a 22/24.

If this second run is successful then I'm seriously considering to turn it into a fully fledged ebay business selling super affordable plus size clothes that are fashionable and not made for the 60 year old in you!

I do have the odd smaller size on there and i do have large shoe sizes such as an 8 or 9!

Here's to the entrepreneur in me and adding a little bit of extra money into the bank account.

My ebay page is: http://shop.ebay.co.uk/u0504045/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p4340

Shameless Plug

2010-08-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

So i am going on holiday next week, and to scrape up extra funds for boyfriend and i, i have raided my wardrobe of big clothes and put them on ebay. I'm mainly doing this shameless plug for my uk blog readers who are a size of 20-26. I have put up mainly tops, bug i got leggings up there, a dress, and a skirt too.i have a few men things too. a shirt of 17.5 collar size. So to grab a bargain of tops, all my auctions start at 99p or have a low buy it now price.

Ok shameless plug over, heres the link:http://shop.ebay.co.uk/u0504045/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686
Just trying to publicize this and try and earn me some cash!

The Funk

2010-08-12T03:48:00.000-07:00

You may or may not have noticed that i have been absent the past few weeks. I have been in a major funk for a long while, especially after boyfriend injured his backside. To compensate i for the bad feelings i had i regressed into my old patterns. I ate food that tasted so good, I'm sure i don't need to explain comfort eating to you.

Boyfriend and i were fighting, and because of his injury he was feeling down because i was unable to do things, so he spent all his time on the xbox, and i felt ignored, rejected...unloved. The boy would spend all his time on the xbox, or round our friend's house who has a broken elbow...playing xbox. He didn't want to do anything, he would rather ~~sit~~ lay on his front on his own and play stupid computer games, killing people.

So i when I'd go and sit with him and he ignored me and carried on playing COD2 and talking to his friend, I'd get up and leave and head to the kitchen/freezer/shop. Instead of cuddles at night I'd get his back turned to me. Now i don't handle this form of rejection very well, if you can call it rejection. Someone who loved to cuddle, play, kiss, talk and all other couple things, to having the back turned on me just made me feel worthless, unwanted. It wasn't true of course but my mind loves telling me things that aren't true. I very often slept downstairs. One night I'd bought chocolate at the petrol station, not those little bars, but those big share bags that us who have this eating disorder (where we don't stop eating because we are either happy, sad, nervous, scared, depressed, excited, celebrating..name the feeling and we'll find a reason to eat) don't actually share. So i opened these 2 share bags had some before bed, (mattress on floor in sitting room) and i found myself waking up throughout the night eating the chocolate then going back to sleep.

Recently i also stated to buy the big bar of whole nut cadbury's dairy milk (share) bars, a 99p (share) bag of Doritos and a (normal) bag of Japanese style rice crackers. I'd eat the rice crackers first then alternate bites between the chocolate and Doritos. I know I'm shameful.

But i didn't really want to face my funk, i was much happier (so to speak) ignoring my unhappiness, ignoring my eating habits, thus ignoring twitter world. So I've got to completely stop this old behaviour of mine where i gorge on bad icky food and get back to normal and eat small portions, and only eat (snack size) treats once in a while.

Boyfriend and i are back on track, I've banished the xbox from the bedroom, so he can have his sanctuary up in the attic and i can have the bedroom as sanctuary thus not being banished to the kitchen. If that make sense.

Ripped in the Wrong places

2010-07-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

So i get a text of a friend on Wednesday saying she just heard back that she got a job in Channel 4 and they will put her through uni, we were all invited round to celebrate with her. It was pretty sad actually, none of her family or fiance seemed to care! So we got to drinking with her, our friend that came with us was not drinking, i had enough to make me tipsy but bf was...well he drank 7 cans of beer and half a bottle of sambuca. He was celebrating enough for all of us.

He seemed fine one minute next he changed! Total drunk zombie. On our way to get the last bus he got hyper n annoying. I was so angry with him i refused to talk to him. I told our friend that he was to sleep up in the attic with him. That's where it all went wrong.

At around 2am I heard commotion, i heard the attic door being open and closed, i heard that he had to come apologize, i heard more commotion. Then my name being called out 3 times and that there's been an accident. I come out to find bf in the bathroom. Sick all in the bath tub and my bf leaning over the sink. his underwear ripped....then i saw it. His right bum cheek had a massive rip. I was just so shocked. I wasn't as freaked out by the wound because I've had a similar wound on my knee but i was freaked out by the place and the sheer size of it.

We called 999 and i was applying compression to the area but he just didn't want to cooperate. Two fast response paramedics came followed by 2 more paramedics with an ambulance. He just did not want to listen. He wanted to throw up and well it was just chaotic. Dad was completely oblivious to it until i went and woke him up to tell him that he had an accident and we were going to the hospital.

This whole event sobered me up, They patched him up, and he was just naked on the bathroom floor, he didn't want new underwear so i had to coax him to put them on. Explain that we had 4 paramedics here and we were just wasting their time! Throughout it all he was more concerned about throwing up than the big hole in his bum. I rode to the hospital with him in the ambulance (riding in an ambulance is now ticked off my things to experience that i didn't really want to but probably will have to check list) giving them all the details followed by a telling off by the paramedic saying there is only one fast response team out and one ambulance out that night and we'd better hope that there was no one having a heart attack at that moment. (As far as i know there wasn't any as the next patient to be taken into Accident and Emergencies was around an hour after we arrived)

So when we arrived to a&e, bf was throwing up everywhere still, i was the one holding the bowl, i helped the paramedics move him on to the bed too and then they put an IV into his hand and started with the drips. He received 2 packets of well what i know them as is drips, but i saw the word glucose in there. So all i know is that they were hydrating him and trying to sober him up from all the alcohol. They didn't really check on him, when he started to throw up again on himself and the bed i cleaned him up with some tissues near by. They didn't have a tap or water cooler so anyone could drink, i asked someone for some water and they had to get a nurse to go to the kitchen to get water and they are the only ones allowed in there... now what a major waste of time. A few weeks ago we were at another A&E, this time for our friend and when we asked a nurse for water she said she wasn't our waitress and there was a water cooler just round the corner....which is true! A water cooler or drinking water tap can help nurses running back and forth to a kitchen to bring water to a relative of a sick person!

Well at around 5:30 am a lovely nurse came in and started to stitch up the bf. A cool 3 and a half hours after admission, which is fair enough coz he needed to sober up. She did a fantastic job with his bum! she spent 40 minutes giving him countless internal stitches and 19 normal stitches. When i sliced my knee open with a skirting board i should of had similar treatment but i had a doctor do mine which led me to the conclusion that for treatment always have a nurse or surgeon do the work and for diagnosis and presciptions get a doctor!

So around a minute after the final stitch went in bf seemed to come out of Zombie drunk land and asked where he was, why he was there, what had happened and why is he on his stomach. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So when it got to around 6:30 i rung for a lift home for a quick change and to get the car and rang his mum to tell her the news.

I am just so glad we have a free health care. Can you imagine the cost of everything? It would run into thousands! We are so lucky as a country to have free health care, even if sometimes it's a bit dodgy especially that A&E department... it's really not the best but i didn't have a choice of which hospital to i would of liked to have gone to.We hardly have the income between us both to have paid for his stint in A&E and would like to thank the patient paramedics and the lovely nurse that stitched up my boyfriends bum!

It's all fine now, his bum seems to be heeling great. But the days just after the accident, well i had KFC, Chinese, then i went on a chocolate binge! I was sleeping downstairs whilst he had the bed and had the chocolate next to me and i found myself mid night waking up and taking a few bites of that chocolate before going to sleep. I then had cake, fried food...tons of fajitas laden with tons of sour cream. I was definitely comfort eating. But i started all a fresh. Recounting points, I've starting jogging again in the park. I'm going for my second wind. I had a bad 3 weeks and have been plateauing for even longer. Let hope this catapults me in the right direction!

Bare Naked Me!

2010-07-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

I was messing around with my camera phone, and posted a twitpic up of the end result so some of you may have seen this. And the saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" is very true, however i wanted to add a few extra words to that picture.

It saddens me that there are girls out there that feel the need to put on make up to even step out the house to even go to the corner shop. Now i'm not one of those feminists but i do believe that everyone is beautiful. I only ever wear make up if i am going out (pub/club), event or sometimes if i am bored and have time. I go to work at the unnamed retail store ( i'm not allowed to mention the store in case i light it in a bad light) and i don't wear make up. Reason 1) I cannot be bothered to put on the make up first thing, 2) It's so hot behind the till and i run around so much it either melts or i rub it all around my face.

People shouldn't feel like they are prettier with make up, everyone is beautiful in their own individual way. Please remember that boys and girls! You are beautiful... Inside and out! Sometimes i feel harsh saying people don't need make up, i am sorry if i am sounding harsh. I realise that people do have low self esteem/confidence, and they do feel better for wearing make up. If that makes them feel better and beautiful then carry on, but the point i am trying to put across is.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

So without further due, i will stop my ranting and show you my bare naked face!

I have bags under my eyes, chubby cheeks and shiny skin in certain lights! But i have a belief that i am beautiful. I love my eyes, lips, eyebrows, smile.... what do you love about yourself?

I feel like a total junky!

2010-07-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

So i was in the mood for a major One Tree Hill marathon. But what goes hand in hand with any sort of marathon? Sweets, ice cream, chocolate.... I was so close to popping down to my local shop to buy a tenners worth of junk food. I felt like a junky, totally excited in getting my hit. I told myself no... i will be good. Then the thought of Chinese creeps into my mind... i could totally get that, save some for bf for when he comes... I tell myself no... a firm no. Without thinking I'm putting my shoes on and thinking maybe just some chips from the kebab shop. Why am i doing this to myself? Why have i been finding excuses to sabotage myself? I have decided to distract myself by writing in my blog that i have neglected.

I have been going up and down in the same weight range for about the past month. I find it so frustrating, but i only have myself to blame. But food taste soooooo good, but I've been falling back into old habits. Healthy food can be scrumptious too, i have seem to forgotten that, i have been turning to toffee popcorn, cadbury's flake, M&S Belgian chocolate flapjack. Chips, crisps, alcohol, pizza, it's all been a down hill spiral of rubbish food.

It doesn't comfort me, it doesn't make me happy at the end of the day, well on the day of the weigh in for sure. So here we go again, take god knows how many. I need to just turn over a new leaf. This image just came into my head when saying that last sentence.

But with a lot more crumpled paper around. Sitting here with the second episode i can almost taste a flake just melting in my mouth. It just makes me feel sad. Sad that this feels like a new low. How can i be that desperate for chocolate.... it may be because i am just hungry. I think i will go down now and make myself a nice easy weight watchers ready meal.

How do you avert your attention from wanting junk and stopping yourself actually eating it?

Bad week.

2010-06-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

So i had a very very disappointing weigh in. I have gained 3 pounds, since Tuesday (my unofficial weigh in) so in reality since last week i have gained an extra pound, so in two weeks i have gained in 5 pounds! WTF? How am i letting myself get away with this. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to set myself weekly goals as i have seen fellow bloggers do. Just to keep me in track.

Goals for this week:

Start Tracking food and drink again
Drink only water, milk and coffee
Go to the gym at least 3 times this week
Move on to Week 4 of C25K

It's just a teeny tiny post. I'm not quite in the mood for writing, but for wallowing. I also have to go food shopping with dad.

I have a ton of ideas tho of topics i want to write about. Well i say a ton, it's more like 3 at the moment.

Because I'm Worth It and So Are You!

2010-06-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting out in the garden with my mum and my neighbours daughter who just had a sleeve put in. She was meant to have a bypass but problems with a previous gastric band surgery complicated matters. So you could say conversation went from light banter to deep therapy.

Neighbour, lets call her Shirley, admitted that her therapist had said he had never met a patient so self loathing and she needs regular sessions. She kept telling us she was worthless, a waste of space... and it upset me. I have known Shirley all my life as she was a young teen when i was born. Her children and I played together throughout childhood. So to hear that she thinks she is absolutely worthless and a bad person is a terrible thing.

She's saying her husband is a better person than she is, that we all are. When she is just as good if not better! She runs a household, she cooks, cleans, has quite a high powered job, she's part of a committee of a rugby team, i could go on.

Mum was saying that she thought the main reason she was feeling like that was her husband. Let's call him Bob. So Bob apparently "puts Shirley down" and Shirley believes him. She puts him on a pedestal. In fact, i think the only reason she is still with him, not only for the sake of the children, but she truly believes no one out there will love her or fancy her. She is truly "under the thumb" so to speak and he wears the trousers.

I don't know if i find her feelings shocking because i am the complete opposite or that I've never heard her speak so honestly. I'm now at the age I'm not the baby she knew, but a young woman who can become a confidant. It saddens me anyone can feel unworthy of what they deserve. Don't live the lives they dream of but one they think they should lead.

Am i one of the minority who think that losing weight will only make me even more prettier? I mean I don't feel on top of the world and beautiful everyday, but i do see myself as a beautiful curvy woman who can be sexy. How do you guys feel? Do you guys love yourself? Are you worth it?

I totally believe every single one of us is worth it. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Inspiration needed!

2010-06-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last entry. I've not been at the laptop as much since i got my phone back. But i can't blog on my phone tho, which is not cool.

Last week i went to the North East with BF. I didn't get to go to the gym or go for a jog. I ate sweets at the cinema, take out and drank alcohol. So i put on 4 pounds. I have been hitting it hard at the gym since. I went on Saturday evening after work and then today. I keep hitting that darn wall when it comes to jogging. I'm still on week 3 of my C25K and only seem to be doing 2k. By the second 3 minute jog half of me is begging to stop, the other half is begging and willing me to carry on, that i can do it.

I don't quit, If i do need to take a breather and rest my legs i do it during the walking bit.

I can't seem to get motivation though. I'm currently stuck in the 280's.... how can i be struggling already? All i keep thinking is that i can't believe i let me self go so much last week. I could be out of the 280's and be in the 270's by now. I wanna reach 30 lbs lost! i was so close and all!

But it's just a blip. I will go past it! I will exercise my shrinking butt off these next few weeks so i can escape this blip! I am now going to set up my goal list and bucket list to keep me focused.

I read on someones blog at some point... I'm sorry i can't remember who, let me know if it was you. But for every pound you lose you should add a paper clip to create a paper clip chain. I've got that up in my room. I look forward to adding the paper clip(s) and feel gutted every time i have to remove one (or more).

Who else has tips to keep me motivated now that i do not go to Weight Watchers?

The lost art of letter writing

2010-06-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

This morning as i was walking out the door there on the doormat was 1 letter and that letter was addressed to me! I was so excited as my name and address was hand written. It was just my local MP invited me to an afternoon tea but i was feeling all happy because i had that hand written envelope. Sad i know but it got me thinking.

We as a world wide nation do not stop and take the time to write letters to our friends and family. We have the phone either land line or mobile, we have the Internet, facebook, twitter. We text, we email...we can even send our birthday cards via the Internet without putting pen to card.

So i was thinking, i would like a pen pal. I had one when i was younger and it was fun, i couldn't wait to receive my letter. I would love to start that up again. But i don't know how to start. In this day in age who can you trust? You are not only giving perhaps a stranger your address but in the letters you will be discussing your personal life. Has anyone got a pen pal or know how to get one?

Do you enjoy writing letters? Receiving kind words that someone has taken time for their life to write to you?

Answers on a postcard addressed to Girl in Fatsuit!

xxxx

Judgementals can Jog on!

2010-06-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

On Friday i went out for my jog, and i am still on Week 2 of the C25K as well I'm unfit and i find it extremely difficult but I'm not letting it defeat me. I know i am very overweight and cannot expect to be Kelly Holmes (British Olympic runner) in a matter of a month and a half! I am preserving and it's working, i am continuously and gradually losing weight, so what i am doing it certainly working.

But back to my point, whilst i was running i saw a group of young kids, couldn't be older than 15. I hesitated, i didn't really want to go past them, but i thought to myself, no, why am i being scared of 4 kids? I'm judging them just by the stereotypical media portrayal. I've worked with young people, the image they give off generally is the opposite of what they normally are. So i said to myself I'll go past them but instead of jogging i will walk.

I saw one of the girls look at me, then nudge her friend. Her friend answered "what? what do you wanna show me?" i saw them look at me, and stifle a laugh. As i carried on walking, i could hear them laughing. Well i can safely say, i let 4 children ruin my workout. I was in tears. There i am trying to do something about my weight only to be laughed at. I hated that they made me cry, i hate that i let them hold power over me. But all i wanted to do is slump to the floor and cry. However i kept my head high and tried to keep my tears at bay. I went off with dignity back to the car.

So i can certainly say i will not go jogging round the park at 6 in the evening on a Friday during half term when the kids mean judgemental kids are out doing their drugs (yes they were sorting out their roll up). I look back and feel like i should of said something but a) we are still full of knife crime and any type of confrontation could bring up a possibility of something... who knows and b) if there was a confrontation gone bad....they could probably catch up to me if i ran away!

So as i said... yes i was humiliated but it won't deter me going out jogging! I'm a girl on a mission!

Sabotage

2010-06-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have noticed recently that although my BFF says she supports me and regularly compliments me on weight loss she also encourages me to eat bad foods. I who have little will power always seem to let the temptations get the better of me and allow myself to order Indian or pizza, tuck into popcorn and drink coke.

Let me tell you a little about my BFF. We met at high school and we were both larger teens and we were pretty much instantly friends. I always looked up to her as an inspiration fashion wise, she was the sister i never had. I had a calming effect on her and tamed her wild ways. We were chalk and cheese in the best possible ways. When i transferred schools, we lost touch for a bit, she had a different set of friends and i another set. She lost a whole bunch of weight in this time by using lunch money for cigs. Whilst i used my lunch money for lunch and then some! But slowly after years we bother have piled on more weight. Me with a much larger appetite but still sharing our bad foods.

When i decided to lose weight i decided to do it for me. I did it quietly at first then decided why be quiet about it? i should be proud. This is when i feel like it's all started. BFF knows what are my weaknesses when it comes to food. Whenever we are round she always suggests an Indian or pizza... always giving me coke.

Now i know i cannot blame her entirely, it is my fault for also accepting it or caving in to the weakness. I mean after all i do not want to just sit there when everyone is eating (BFF, BFF's husband, friend and BF) whilst i microwave a ready meal.

She showed us some footage of her on her honeymoon and was shocked at how she looked. But when i say to her that she should come to the gym with me or join in the jogging then she changes her tune. It just angers me. Plus i know if she were to jog with me she would only drag me down, she would more than likely give up half way. I feel like i am bitching but it makes me angry. Angry that she moans and complains yet won't do anything about her weight, angry that she seems to ignore my health kick and is constantly trying to get me to join in with her bad habits but most of all, I am angry at myself. Angry that i let myself be dragged down. I really need a kick up the backside.

I put on a pound last week and i haven't been any better this week and expecting another pound on. Why am i undoing my own hard work. Why am i allowing not only my BFF to sabotage me but myself too?

much love
Fat Suit x

My Size...My Life

2010-05-28T03:30:00.000-07:00

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:

"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."

This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

Several Steps in the Right Direction

2010-05-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure you if you know this but i am doing C25K (Couch to 5k). I started around a month ago and it is the best thing i have started for me. Well second, the best one was when i decided to embark on this weight loss journey. I do try and get out 3 times a week, but sometimes life just gets in the way. But today whilst i went out and did Week 2 Day ? (I'm thinking its 3 or 4) i just started thinking.

I've been going out jogging with just me and the floor and today i found it so hard, where as before i found it OK. Then i realised i had been doing it recently in an air conditioned gym on the running machine (formally known as the walking machine as i was too scared to even jog on it because of the noise i may make on it...heavy girl running, big stomping noises... and that i may break it!) and that might of made a difference. You have the machine setting your pace and you know if you even miss a step you are catapulted to the floor with friction burns dotted around your body and possibly even damaged clothing. How do i know this? It's happened to me around 10 years ago.

But no matter how hard it got i still pushed myself further because i knew I'd only feel worse if i gave up. I jogged by the river for around a mile (four 90s jogs) and turned round to do my other 4. Whilst retracing my steps i was face with the option to go down a different way that leads to my house, but i knew it would be shorter and i told myself no, and slightly further on there was another turn off that again i could of taken but once again it would of been a short cut. I committed to this weight loss, and i committed to the C25K. I'd only be cheating myself.

But when I'm jogging and all sorts of weird animal noises come out and wheezing, and if my top rides up i am terrified i look like this!

But what keeps me going is that someday soon, that image will turn into...

If you would have told me that i would have started a jogging programme and actually somewhat enjoy it Not even February i would have chocked on my fast food by laughing so much! But i do enjoy it. In fact i look forward to seeing the results that all this jogging does, the fact that it's damn hard and that i come out of it the other end each time is a triumph i can claim my own. I may not be the fastest, most graceful jogger but at least i am getting off my (now slightly smaller) ass and persevere with it. I have friends who keep saying how they need/want to lose weight, yet whenever i invite them to come along with me there is always an excuse.

Yes so life can get in the way sometimes and i can't always go out and do the exercise i want to but at least i get out there when i can and undo the damage i have done to myself for the 10 plus years!

A weighty read

2010-05-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown hair...my green eyes...my full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"

It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit
xxxxxxxx

Quarter of a Century

2010-05-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have sat and read through many amazing and inspiring blogs. People have lost tons of weight, i mean i am talking about 100 lbs plus. They have transformed their bodies and their lives and it gives me a warming feeling that i can follow their stories not just those who have lost a massive amount but those who are at the beginning or mid stages.

The warm feeling tends to drain when i then look at the mirror, my story. I look in the mirror, i don't see the change, i look at the figures and say " is that it?" This is where the insecure part of me takes over. How can i say is that it? I have lost 25 lbs in just over 2 months! i should be celebrating this not berating my self for not having lost more. I am not in the biggest loser! I haven't got mean personal trainers on my ass every single day making me workout until i drop, i haven't got them keeping an eye on what i eat etc. Sometime i wish i did have all that but it isn't healthy.

A steady loss is what i need, it will more than likely stay off. This is a lifestyle change not a diet, i have to get this in my head. Plus as i was walking back from the shop this afternoon (in a dress that fitted me well after i adjusted it last august and now is too baggy round the boobs...felt soo good to my ego) and i was thinking about the number 25.

25 is a quarter of a 100, if my weight loss were to carry on the way it is (which i am not expecting it too but who knows) then in another 6 months i could lose 100 lbs. But in 6 months i could lose say another 40 lbs.... 65 in total. Wow. It puts it all into perspective really. For me anyway. I'll explain. 25 lbs is not a small amount of weight, and if i continue on the way i am going, within 6 months i could surpass and be close to that 100 pound mark.

And of course losing a couple of pounds with my body shape is not as noticeable as someone who is far thinner than i am. I also forgot this point. But each pound is a step closer to being the girl i am inside.

To keep positive with my wight loss i have created a very geeky thing but on Excell i have done a table of which i have made a graph....and this is it! Thanks for reading this post, i was kinda going with the flow and discovering what i meant as i went along.