Mama in the Moon

I Remember

2013-07-19T09:08:00.001-07:00

I remember when his sweet little voice went silent.

I remember when the only words he said, were echoes of what was being said to him.

I remember when he mastered requesting items. "More", and "Please", seemed like major victories.

I remember when he began (yelling) "Help me please!" when he got frustrated, rather than having a meltdown.

I remember when he started saying when he LIKED things.

I remember when I started giving him the option of YES or NO after questions, and he was able to choose which answer he wanted, and it felt like we broke through an enormous wall.

I remember when he began answering yes or no without being prompted.

I remember when he started answering "W" questions.

I remember when he started ASKING questions.

I remember when he started calling me "Mommy" when he would talk to me.

I remember when he started having conversations simply because he wanted to share something with me that he thought was cool.

I remember when he learned negation: "I don't want to do that" and "I don't like that". There is so much power in those words.

I remember when he figured out what it meant to miss someone, and then saying it in appropriate circumstances.

I remember when he started adding in his own cute phrases, "See ya' next home!" (instead of see you next time), "I'm sleeping on the stars!" (when he was laying on a blanket with planets and stars), and "Easy squeezy!"

My boy has worked so hard over the last two and a half years. He has been challenged and encouraged, and I am so proud of how far he's come. In several weeks he will start kindergarten in a mainstream class, with time for sensory breaks. I find that I get more nervous with each day that brings us closer to starting this new and uncertain journey. When I start to doubt that he can handle this transition though, I will look at this list of all he has accomplished already, and I will remember.

A Southern Wedding

2013-06-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

This post has been a long time coming.

Four weeks ago, I got on an airplane with this guy:

(I didn't have a photo of him from the plane)

And this guy:

Bye bye, Seattle. (With his lovey, Penguin)

They were fantastic travelers. We landed at 5:45am in Atlanta, GA. We were pretty much the only people in the airport besides the janitors, and, oh yeah, CHRIS KATTAN. That was a random sighting for sure, and it took everything in me to not yell, "Mango!"

We flew there, (minus Husband and Binker, because Binker doesn't like to fly), so that we could be at my brother's wedding. Now, I love the south, so I was really excited to go on the trip. I had two goals: eat some Chick-Fil-A, and get some genuine southern biscuits and gravy. I am happy to say that I found some delicious biscuits and gravy, and also got to try grits and fried okra. Yay, bonus food items! Sadly though, we were only there for three short days, (one of which was a Sunday, thus CFA was closed that day), so sweet tea with chicken sandwich I did not get to have. Guess that means I'll have to go back sometime!

Anyway, onto the purpose of this post. My brother's wedding.

It was simply breathtaking. He and his wife, L, were married at a barn that has been turned into a popular wedding location. The setting could not have been more picturesque. Big, lazy trees, fields and fields for the kids to run through, wild flowers blooming all over, and farm animals! The kids had a blast feeding goats and petting dogs. There was even a baby goat, only one week old. After a sweet and touching ceremony, officiated by my brother's pastor friend, Chris, all of the guests made their way into the barn, which had been beautifully decorated by L and her mom; if only I had an ounce of their creativity! They are truly talented. Everyone enjoyed drinks and delicious food, and once the happy couple was introduced, everyone crowded onto the dance floor and partied the evening away. Here are a few pictures from the wonderful day.

Intimate vows amidst a gorgeous setting

(Photo by Matthew Coughlin)

Love.

Sweet, delicate decorations

Right after the ceremony, flower girl (my niece, MJ), leading the way

Bug and MJ on the big tree swing. She was such a beautiful little flower girl!

Feeding goats

First Dance

My brother dancing with his sweet daughter, MJ

Dancing fools

MJ dancing with Boo

Bug and MJ. Best friends

It could not have been a more perfect evening. The only people missing were Husband and Binker, but they were with us in spirit. I wish my brother, T, and his lovely bride many, many joy-filled years together. (I think they're off to a good start as they're spending the next two weeks in Paris and then on a Mediterranean cruise!) Congratulations, you guys!

Staying Busy

2013-06-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

I just realized it's been over three months since I last posted. My blogging has seriously gone downhill, but I would really like to change that.

Things have been busy at our house. As I write this from our back deck, I am listening to the sounds of my children. Binker, (now five years old!), is playing with an alarm clock I gave him as a preschool graduation gift. Bug, busy as ever, is swinging one minute, then climbing the playset the next, then, faster than I can blink, he is running from one end of our yard to the next. And not-so-little Boo, is going down the "big boy slide" over and over, telling himself to "Go!"

I still can't believe my oldest will be transitioning to kindergarten this September. How did that even happen?! He has made amazing strides this year, his language continues to expand all the time, and he has mastered answering most "W" questions, though we're still working on Why, and How; those are the most difficult since the answers are more abstract than concrete. He is still in speech therapy, with the awesome Miss B, he's finishing up his second session of horse therapy, and he just recently started something called Astronaut Training, which is supposed to regulate his vestibular system, and ease some of his anxiety. I admit I am nervous to watch him leave the preschool he's been at for the last two years. I felt safe there, I knew what to expect, and Binker loved his teachers. There's no doubt though, he has outgrown them. He's such a quick learner; he's reading easily now, and he taught himself addition using one of his favorite toys - a calculator. He is ready for the next step. He will be in the mainstream kindergarten class this fall, which I am very happy about, and then he will use the Assist classroom when he needs a sensory break. The team at the school seems great and competent, and I am hopeful that Binker will continue to flourish.

Bug is starting pre-K in the fall. He is beyond excited to go to school. He's such a social guy, I just know he will love making new friends, and experiencing all the fun activities that preschool has to offer. Plus, they have an awesome playground, which he is most looking forward to.

Then there's Boo. He is really coming into his own little person, with a big personality. He is such a source of joy and comedy. I love watching him follow his brothers, Bug in particular, and try his best to copy everything that they do. He talks all the time, and sings too. His favorite cartoon is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and every morning he brings me the TV remote and says, "Mee-kee!"

Husband is still enjoying his job. It's crazy to think that we're halfway through this duty assignment. Three years sounds like a long time when you're at the starting line, but I feel the end rushing toward us now. I've been spoiled with him not having to be on a ship; no duty days, no underways. No deployments. I am worried about how it will be going back to that life; and obviously I worry about whether or not we'll be transferred somewhere. I feel torn about it. This past winter was hard on me, for the first time in my life I grew tired of the overcast skies that define this part of the country. I started to feel the itch to leave, and try something new. If Husband goes back to a ship though, having my family, my friends, and the support base I've got here is so crucial for the times he will be gone. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know it will be here sooner than I think.

As for me, I've decided to take on a few projects this summer. The first one I completed was updating the boys' bathroom. This weekend I painted the cabinets, and the countertop, using the products by Rustoleum. The finished product looks amazing, I am so happy with it and can't believe the difference it makes. My intention was to "test" it out in the bathroom, and if I liked it, then to do the same thing in the kitchen. The only problem is that I did not realize how labor intensive the process would be, (AND messy!), so now I am trying to decide what to do. Here are some pictures though, for your viewing pleasure.

Original laminate cabinet and countertop

This was after I painted the cabinets (they're hidden under garbage bags), while doing the countertop. I painted the counter with the base coat, then sprayed these decorative stones EVERYWHERE. It took 12 hours for them to dry, then I had to sand, vacuum, sand, vacuum, rinse and repeat, until I got the perfect amount of smoothness. Then it was time for the top coat.

Done!! I love how it turned out, although the picture makes it look darker than it is. The cabinets are now a dark brown (color: Tudor), and the countertop is supposed to resemble granite (color: Desert Sand).

The only thing left I want to do in their bathroom is change the faucet. I'd love to get a dark one to go along with the cabinets and the dark flecks in the countertop. Next up: Staining our deck this weekend. Anyone want to help?!

St. Peanut Butter Jelly Day

2013-03-17T17:56:00.001-07:00

St. Patrick's Day isn't a very big celebration at our house, we never do much for it. Last week though, I was walking through Costco and I saw a thing of pre-packaged corned beef, with the seasonings and all. I thought it might be a fun and easy way to take part in the traditional dinner of corned beef and cabbage.

I cooked it in the crock pot all day today, the delicious aroma filling our house. I didn't have any cabbage, so I had substituted with carrots, which I figured the boys would like better anyway.

At 4:45, dinner was ready. Everyone took their seats at the table and we dug into our food. Mmm, I thought to myself, not bad. It was a bit on the salty side, but I thought that would only make the kids like it more.

Binker was the first to protest.

"I don't like it!"

He's been exerting that preschooler attitude more and more lately, which, is a double-edged sword. I love that he is talking a lot, and sharing his opinions, but it can get a bit exhausting when you spend an entire day being told by your 4 year old that he doesn't want to do anything you tell him.

I tried to encourage him to eat a few more bites.

"I don't WANT corned beef! Take it away!"

I looked at my husband, and sighed. How could he not like it?

Bug was next.

"Mommy, I don't like this," he said, while making a scrutinizing face.

Big sigh. I gave up.

"Binker," I asked, "Do you want corned beef, or peanut butter jelly?" (He NEVER wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich).

Can you guess which one he chose?

And as soon as I started making a sandwich for Binker, Bug had to have one too. As well as Boo, who eats everything, yet hadn't touched his corned beef.

Around this time, I noticed Husband taking his plate to the sink, the food barely gone. I eyed him suspiciously.

"Oh, it was delicious, I just...found a hair in it, so..." he trailed off. He hovered over me for a minute, then said, "So, honey, we've been together several years now...and you've never made this dish before. Why did you decide to make it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I never had it growing up, it's not like a tradition or anything, I just thought it'd be fun-"

"Oh, THANK GOD, it was awful!"

Looks like our St. Patrick's Day dinner will be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from here on out!

Magic

2012-12-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Originally published July 24th, 2010.

I knew a man who was magic personified.

Many little kids believe in Santa Claus while growing up, and I was no different. The only difference, is that I had my own personal Santa Claus. I knew he was the real one. His cheeks were always the perfect shade of pink, he wore bells around his wrists, his blue eyes sparkled, and his smile never faded. He was the real deal. I knew all of those Santas at the malls were just helpers, since the real Santa was busy up at the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas. Yet, he was never too busy to visit my brother Tim, and me.

Every year, a couple weeks before Christmas Day, he would show up, always unexpectedly for Tim and myself. Sometimes it was close to bedtime, other times it would be on a weekday afternoon. My brother and I always wanted to follow him out of our house when he left to watch him fly off the roof, being carried away by eight magical reindeer - but my parents always stopped us, the magic wouldn't work if we were watching, they said.

Tim answering the door to one of Santa's surprise visits.

Our Santa was also very crafty, just as Santa should be. He was very good at making things out of wood. One year, my brother had asked for a train set for Christmas, and when he came by for his pre-Christmas visit, he brought Tim a train whistle made out of wood. A few years later, I had asked for a doll house, and when he stopped by a couple weeks prior to the holiday, he brought me a wooden dining room set, perfectly sized to fit in a doll house. It was magical.

There was a brief year when I was a little unsure about this guy, but I came around.

My Santa gave the warmest hugs. He smelled so wonderful too, sweet and pepperminty, just as you would expect Santa to smell. It was better than meeting any movie star or celebrity; I was good friends with the SANTA.

Tim getting a hug from Santa.

Going over my wish list.

So who was my Santa? His real name was Bob Comingore. My mom found him through an ad in the newspaper in 1985, and hired him to play Santa at our house for all of the neighborhood kids. They all got along so well, that he kept up the part, year after year, even coming to visit us each time we moved to a new home, in a new city, no matter how far of a drive it was for him in his red truck (not a sleigh with reindeer).

Bob and his wife, Gloria were probably in their sixties when Bob became our personal Santa Claus. Though they were never able to have children of their own, they loved kids, and after I found out who he really was, they both became like a third set of grandparents to me. I admit, the first time we had them over for dinner as the Comingores, it was a bit strange for me, but Bob had a light and warmth inside of him so enveloping, that I couldn't help but be captivated by his presence. As Santa, Bob brought so much magic and fun to my childhood, and I hope he knew how much he meant to me.

In August 2005, shortly after my brother got married, I wrote Bob and Gloria a letter. I hadn't talked to them in awhile, and I thought they would get a kick out of hearing that the little boy they had known from the time he was three, was now a husband. I never got a response. A few months later, my mom heard from Gloria, and she relayed the sad news that only a couple weeks before I had written that letter, Bob had passed away. I was heartbroken at his passing.

Bob Comingore was a truly special human being; people like him are few and far between. He was just a genuinely kind, warm-hearted person. When I think back on my childhood, having my own Santa Claus, and all of the wonderful memories he gave me is something I will never, ever forget.

Gloria is still alive, and lives in Oregon, near a nephew of theirs. Earlier this year, she mailed my mom a box full of wooden toys that Bob had made before he passed. Most of the toys were little cars, although there was also an adorable wooden airplane that my brother's daughter now has. These wooden toys are so simple, yet they hold so much meaning for me. I can imagine Bob carving them with patience and care, and smiling at the thought of the little children who would enjoy them. I love when my sons play with the cars; I can't wait for the day when I can tell them all about the great man I knew. My only regret now is that Bob never got to play Santa to my own kids, so I am especially grateful for these toy cars, as they are a link from him to my children.

A few years ago, my mom gave me this figurine, to always remind me of the joy my Santa brought to me as a little girl.
I put it out every Christmastime, and whenever I see it, it reminds me of the wonderful man who brought so much magic to my childhood.

Best Friend.

2012-08-22T17:59:00.001-07:00

Since Jacob's autism diagnosis, he has made amazing progress in several areas. However, when it comes to playing with others, Jacob still has a ways to go. He rarely interacts with other kids, including his brother and cousin, M, who is around quite often. He will play around them, and talk about them, but does not very often actually play with them. This is called solitary play, and is something that a lot of children with autism struggle with. Being his mom, this concerns me a great deal, because I obviously want him to have friends as he gets older and into grade school. Just the thought of him being lonely, or feeling like an outsider absolutely crushes me. We still have time before he will be in kindergarten, and I hope he will become better at engaging with other kids by that time.

We didn't plan on our first two children being 10 months apart, but obviously we weren't doing much to prevent it. Although in my defense, I didn't think my husband and I were going to be anywhere near each other. We were using that good old-fashioned birth control method known as the U.S. Navy.

I know that many people thought, and some probably still do think, that we're crazy for having kids so close together. I used to wonder sometimes, myself, at the timing of it all, and just figured that God has a purpose for Ryan and he was supposed to be born.

When everything happened with Jacob last year, I found myself feeling extra thankful for Ryan, and the fact that he is so close in age to Jacob. He is Jacob's built-in best friend. He absolutely adores his big brother. He constantly follows him around, and wants to be doing whatever Jacob is doing. His first question every morning is, "Where's Jacob?", and he asks me this several times during the three hours that Jacob is at preschool every day. In our car, Ryan sits in the middle seats, and Jacob is in the backseat. Ryan always turns his head around as far as he can to look behind him, and yell "Jacob! Oh, Jacob!" He loves to give Jacob hugs, and when Jacob tries to get away from him, he laughs and thinks it is a big game. I am grateful that Jacob has this built-in best friend, who will always be there, right behind him, and who will always love him. I also secretly hope that if anyone dares to be unkind to Jacob in school, that Ryan will be right there to defend his older brother.

I don't feel uncomfortable anymore when people ask me how far apart they are in age. Regardless of what anyone thinks, I know that Ryan was destined to be born, he was part of God's plan. He knew that Jacob would need a buddy to stick by him, through the good and bad times. I still hope and pray that Jacob will improve at his social skills, and that as he gets older, he will have more friends than he can count.

But I feel comfort in knowing that Ryan will always be there for him.

Nine Months!

2012-07-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

Boo's hair is getting kind of out of control at this point. Husband and my dad keep teasing me that Boo needs a haircut, but I just can't bring myself to do it! I love his soft, sweet curls. Also, he is getting better at chewing foods now that he has FOUR teeth!

Eight months!

2012-06-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

And more and more adorable with every passing day.

Seven Months!

2012-05-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Husband and I are having a really difficult time believing that Boo is already 7 months. When did this happen?! Our sweet, precious babe is just growing up way too fast. He crawls everywhere, and last week he stood for almost a full 10 seconds. I knew that having older siblings would make him want to keep up with them, but I'm not sure I'm ready for my baby to be changing this quickly. He is so stink in' adorable, though. Always ready with a smile, a giggle, and his latest cute feature - scrunching his nose. We're just crazy about him. I remember the whole time I was pregnant with Boo, aside from praying for a healthy, happy baby, I prayed that God would send us a child that would be the perfect addition to our family. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect fit; it's like he has always been with us. We are so blessed to have each one of our three sons. I love watching them grow, (even if it is bittersweet at times).

The Difference a Year Makes

2012-05-15T16:53:00.003-07:00

Things have been absolutely amazing for Binker as of late. He is just positively blossoming. His language has been exploding, his social interactions are improving, and he is exhibiting more typical behavior on a daily basis. I could not be more pleased with these recent changes in him. I plan to write a more detailed post, in the next couple of days, about all of his positive changes and the new things he is doing.

I was struck today though, as I browsed through some of my older blog posts and came across one I wrote almost a year ago. I never actually published it, I just saved the draft. It was written shortly after we began heading down the autism road, uncertain of what we were facing. My husband was on (yet another) underway with his ship, I was about four months pregnant, and well, completely overwhelmed. I remember how I felt, writing that post. I was heartbroken, scared, unsure. All I wanted was a looking glass, so that I could see the future; I just wanted to fast-forward so badly, and know that everything would be okay.

* * * * *

May 24, 2011

This afternoon I found myself standing over my kitchen sink eating from a spoon that had peanut butter with chocolate sauce on it.

I am feeling overwhelmed. Life. Sometimes it can just become a bit too much, and lately I feel like I have reached my limit and am now in the red. I have broken down to my mom more times than I would like to admit, (husband is about 2,000 miles away with his ship right now).

I hate crying, and I can't even tell you how many strangers I have started crying to - completely out of the blue.

It. Sucks.

We have so much going on, and I feel so ill-equipped to handle it all.

Pregnancy. Jacob's speech development issues. Ryan's skin rash that won't go away. All of the vitamins and oils and probiotics I am supposed to be getting in my kids every day. Richard's college stuff - paperwork and bills that are suddenly popping up out of nowhere, when the LAST thing we need to do is add more money to our credit card. Trying to get Jacob into preschool. Trying to stay on top of everything while not completely falling apart.

But I am. Today I am, anyway. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more in charge, but for right now? I can't help but think there is no way I can handle all of this, and I don't understand why God thinks I can.

I want a vacation from life. I wish I could freeze time here, and just hideaway for a little while on some tropical island recharging my brain.

Normally I am fine when Richard is gone on underways, I'm used to them at this point, and, frankly, sometimes they are nice because they allow me the chance to just focus on the kids and housework and stay in my pajamas all day and not worry about doing my hair or makeup.

This time though, I am just frustrated. I want my husband home, here with us. I need him here, I need his moral support, I need to feel like I am not completely on my own while wading through these uncertain waters.

* * * * *

We have in no way reached the end of our journey, and we still have lots of ground to cover, but my life is completely changed from where it was one year ago. The way I felt then, to the way I feel today could not be more different. Binker has come so far, baby Boo is here - happy and healthy, Bug is my defiant yet sweet three year old, and my husband has a job that brings him back home to me every night.

I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father for his faithfulness, and love during the difficult times we've seen, and I am blessed by my husband, children, extended family, and amazing friends, both new and old.

Happy Mother's Day

2012-05-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

My mom is amazing.

I know lots of people say that about their moms, but my mom is one of a kind. Seriously, she could hands-down beat your mom in a Best Mom contest any day, only, she wouldn't do that, cause she is way too nice. I have even had this verified by non-related persons, if you still don't believe me.

Growing up, my mom was my whole world. Sweet, understanding, gentle, caring, loving. She always had a smile on her face, and a hug to offer. I adored my mom when I was a kid. As I grew older, our relationship only got better. While my mom might disagree, I'm really not sure, I'd have to say that I don't think I ever went through that obnoxious teenage girl phase you often hear about. We stayed close, and I was never embarrassed of her. And even though I would sometimes roll my eyes at her advice to me through middle school and high school, I always took it to heart. She was never condescending, she just spoke from experience and I appreciated that. I looked up to her; I wanted to be just like her, and live my life as she had lived hers.

Obviously I have failed in many aspects. I fail every day. Anytime I lose my patience with my kids, or raise my voice, I feel crestfallen. I don't ever remember a time my mom yelled at us, or was too busy. I know there were times when we must have driven her crazy, but they must have also been very rare, since none are imprinted on my mind.

When I think of my mom, I think of someone who has endless patience; a trait I would pay money for if I could.

As I got older, went on to college and got into my twenties, our relationship effortlessly melded into one of true friendship. I can honestly say that for the last several years, my mom has been one of my best friends. I tell her almost everything, and I never tire of her company.

She has been a Godsend to me while Richard is away with the Navy. She sounds happy to talk to me every time I call her, (and during deployments and underways, I can sometimes call her several times a day). She's always willing to go for a walk with the boys and me, or out for a shopping trip to help take my mind off of missing Richard or being lonely. She's never too busy to lend a helping hand, babysit the boys so I can have 30 minutes to myself at the grocery store, or run up extra diapers if I suddenly run out. She is simply amazing and beautiful - not only on the outside, but her soul as well.

It wasn't until I was a teenager before I realized that not every one has a mom as wonderful as I do, and I can't tell you how many times I have thanked God for blessing me with such an amazing mother, of whom I am totally undeserving. She just radiates love and happiness. She's truly a lovely, genuine human being, and I am so very lucky I can claim her as mine.

While I feel most days that I fail to meet the standard she set for mothering, it doesn't mean that I ever stop trying, hopefully one day I can be the wife, mother and woman that she is.

I love you, mom, Happy Mother's Day.

Family Pictures

2012-05-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

My three little loves.

Binker, 4 years; Boo, 6 months; Bug, 3 years.

Much thanks to HR Northwest Photography who captured all of the images!

SIX Months Old!

2012-04-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe Boo has been with us for half of a year. He is so much fun, and such a sweet, happy baby. We fall more in love with him every day. His latest tricks include sitting up by himself, and being thisclose to crawling. I am going to be in trouble soon!

3 days old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

6 months old

Binker Turns 4!

2012-04-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Four years ago, I became a mommy. My beautiful, brown-eyed boy, with that head full of soft, dark hair, came into my life at 4:07am on Thursday, April 24, 2008. He was sweet, and cuddly, and perfect. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing as a mom, but we figured it out together. He has been such a fun boy, and has brought me so many joys and lots of laughter.

His diagnosis of autism has brought some challenges, and a bit of heartache, but he is still my beautiful boy, with that twinkle in his eye. And I love that he is teaching me to see the world a little differently.

He had an awesome fourth birthday. He was so excited from the moment he woke up, and the day was filled with fun and celebration. He even got a birthday crown, sticker, treats, and was sung to at preschool. After school, we had a birthday lunch, birthday cake, presents, piñata, and then play time at Chuck E. Cheese. Here are some photos from the fun day.

My big four year old

Gluten free/dairy free birthday cake, amazing right?!

Piñata!

Bug, Binker, and Boo

Yummy, cake!

Opening his birthday present from cousin, MJ

Mama with her sweet boy

Chuck E. Cheese!

For fun, I went back and looked through birthday photos from previous years of Binker. One interesting thing I noticed was that on his second and third birthday I really didn't have any photos of him smiling or even looking at the camera, this year I had a ton. It just reminded me of how much progress he has made. Love my big boy, and can't wait to see what this year brings for him!

This is how I'm feeling tonight.

2012-04-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

When your child is born, you can't help but have all kinds of dreams and wishes for them. You wonder things like, will your child be into sports or music? What college will he go to? What will his wife be like?

After autism becomes a part of your life, those questions change drastically.

Forget college, will my child even be able to be in a mainstream classroom? Will he be able to make friends? Will he ever get married?

I took Binker to a birthday party today for a little boy in his class. This boy has not been diagnosed with autism yet, but it seems a lot of the signs are there, and his parents are suspecting it. He and Binker seemed to have a lot of similar characteristics. I can't stop thinking about that little boy, or his family, or my Binker. I can't stop thinking about all of the children and families affected by autism.

When I was young I wasn't allowed to use the phrase "It's not fair". My parents taught me early on that life isn't fair, and I don't care for that saying even now as an adult. But tonight, that's the only thing that keeps going through my mind.

Life isn't fair. Autism isn't fair.

These beautiful children are born into this world, and they deserve every chance and opportunity as anyone else. Yet this disorder interrupts their lives; changes everything. Why? WHY? What is causing this epidemic?

I feel like so many wonderful things are tainted for me now. Tonight as I sat at our kitchen table having a conversation with Bug, I was enjoying the things that he had to say, and thinking how fun it is that each day I am able to really talk with him more and more. And then this thought crept into my mind: How much would I be able to talk with Binker, if he weren't on the spectrum? What kinds of things would he want to talk about? What interests would he have, and what things would he have to say about the world?

And sometimes when I am playing with Boo, and enjoying his easy smile, I can't help but think back. Did Binker smile this much? Were there signs this early on that I missed? Why didn't I notice something before last year? I kick myself all the time for not getting him into services sooner; if only I'd known.

Earlier this week I was celebrating Binker's progress in speech therapy; it's true, he has come miles from where he was a year ago, and I hope and pray his speed of progress will continue. But tonight I am sad, and just trying so hard to understand why all of these sweet, wonderful children must struggle with ASD. It just isn't fair.

Five Months Old

2012-03-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Baby Boo turns five months old today. I can't believe how quickly the time is passing. He is such a sweet little love, always so happy, and easy-going. In the past few weeks he has come to love his Jumperoo, and adores sitting in his Bumbo Seat or high chair and watching his older brothers. Everything makes him smile, and he is easy to laugh. His hair has really grown, and I love the way I can spike it up in front. He has the sweetest disposition, and we just can't even imagine our lives without our precious third son.

3 Days old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

Something to Celebrate

2012-03-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

Binker has been feverish and lethargic all week. He just wasn't getting any better, so last night my mom and I took him to the walk-in clinic in town. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate taking Binker to the doctor's office; I try to avoid it at ALL costs.

When you have a child with autism, you quickly learn the places and situations that can be upsetting for them, whether it causes anxiety, or, for some, can cause a sensory overload. Thankfully, Binker doesn't have a lot of sensory issues, and things such as trips to the grocery store, or loud, crowded, brightly-lit places are a non-issue for him. However, Binker has the most amazing memory, and when he has a bad experience someplace, he never forgets. This can pose a problem when we have to make repeat trips back to said place.

And, the doctor's office happens to be a place that causes major anxiety for him.

I blame his former pediatrician. Binker was never comfortable being poked and prodded, especially when sick, and I found the doctor to be impatient and irritated, he just didn't seem best suited as a pediatrician. Kids pick up on those kinds of things, too. They can tell when someone isn't being kind or patient with them. Worst of all, this doctor made Binker's ears bleed on two SEPARATE visits, while poking in his ears. Seriously? Maybe someone needs to go back to medical school. I just don't see how you repeatedly do this, and then still get mad when your patient (who is a toddler), starts screaming. So, after those visits, Binker, with good reason, was pretty much over the whole doctor thing.

The last straw for me was when this doctor first brought up the subject of autism with us, by holding up a questionnaire I had filled out about our son, and he had written a huge "FAIL" at the top in purple marker. I felt he showed no empathy or compassion. And I was done.

At the suggestion of a friend of mine, we changed to Dr. B, who is nearly an hour south of where we live. She has been an MD for about 25 years, but she took a decade off to study naturopathy. This makes her special, because she believes that dietary changes and supplements can have a positive effect on autism - which makes her incredibly rare among doctors today. Many doctors think parents who put their kids on the "autism diet" are literally crazy; our former pediatrician was of this thought process as well, (another reason I was happy to be rid of him). During Binker's first appointment with Dr. B she allotted us double the time of a normal appointment, without me even asking for it. She was incredibly kind and gentle with Binker. She was very understanding with me as a parent dealing with autism, and she answered all of my questions, and gave me suggestions of things we could do that had worked positively in some other children with autism.

After sticking to a special diet and adding in supplements for four months, we went back for a check up with Dr. B. I was excited to tell her about how well Binker was doing, and all of the positive changes I had seen in him. She was thrilled for our family, and, best of all, Binker did awesome at the appointment. He sat patiently in his chair, let the doctor listen to his heart and lungs and look in his ears, and he even smiled for her a few times. It was clear that the doctor's office was no longer a frightening, anxiety-inducing place for him. In fact, for an entire week after that appointment, Binker kept saying, "I like Dr. B!"

Nowadays, taking him to the doctor is nowhere near as overwhelming as it used to be. Binker even gets upset when I take Bug or Boo to the doctor and he doesn't get to go!

So back to this week. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get Binker's fever to subside, so we took him to the walk in clinic last night. I was a little nervous because he wasn't going to be seeing Dr. B, and, the walk in clinic we went to is where his old pediatrician works, so I was afraid, with his memory, that he might think he was going to see the old guy.

To my surprise, Binker waited patently in the waiting room, looking at the fish tank and just walking around checking things out. When it was our turn, he got a little anxious, but I gave him a musical toy to play with in the exam room, and that was a great distraction. When the on-call doctor came in, I almost prefaced the appointment by telling her he has autism, but I decided to keep my mouth shut, and just see how things went. I figured that if Binker wasn't cooperative with her then I could explain why.

I didn't need to.

Binker let her listen to his chest, and look in his ears (and diagnose his ear infection), without much problem at all. Afterward she let him pick out a sticker, he chose a green dinosaur. I felt elated as we walked out of the doctor's office. This is a huge step for him, just one of many that he has made. He has come such a long way in overcoming his doctor anxiety, and I am so proud of him.

Bug is THREE!

2012-03-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

It's official: I have two 3-year olds. For the next 51 days at least.

My sweet blue-eyed middle son is now three. When did that happen?! Bug, for his part, was ecstatic about his birthday this year. He ate up the attention, the balloons, the birthday cake, the partying, and, of course, the presents.

Yay, balloons!

Mobigo!

Space shuttle toy

Teeball toy for back yard

Blowing out his candle

"Mommy, clean my fingers!"

Yummy!

Playing with his presents

Tandem tricycle!

Taking it for a spin out front

Birthday sundae at Red Robin

Happy birthday, sweet Bug! We love you to the moon and back.

Four Months!

2012-02-28T10:16:00.002-08:00

Baby Boo is four months old, closing in on 18 pounds, trying so hard to sit up, and happy as ever.

It's Confirmed

2012-02-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday of this week we returned to Seattle Children's Autism Center to meet with a neurologist. He went over the report that was done on Jacob last month, then asked me some more questions. After that, he spoke with Binker for maybe fifteen minutes, having him point to different parts of his body, and give him a high five. Then he tried to get Binker to complete phrases. For example, the neurologist would say, "If fire is hot, then ice is ___", and he would wait for Binker to answer. That was the only part of the interaction that our son really struggled with.

Then the doctor addressed me again. "So today's appointment is the confirmation of diagnosis, and that's what we're doing here. It's confirmed."

And there it was. Two simple words.

13 months of worrying, and wondering, all led up to that moment. It was surprisingly anticlimactic.

Just as surprisingly, I took it well. Maybe because it was what we had been assuming for so long, so in a way, it was just nice to finally know, for sure. Now, we can truly move forward. The good news is that we're already on the right path, getting Binker the services and therapies he needs. The neurologist said he doesn't believe that Binker requires occupational therapy, but he said we may want to do it, just so that he has yet another opportunity to engage with another person, since his social skills are well below where they should be. The doctor wants to see Binker back in six to nine months, and I feel very motivated to work with him as much as we can, so that they will hopefully be impressed by his improvement at our next appointment.

At one point I asked the doctor is he could be more specific about where Binker is on the spectrum, but he said that since our son is still young, he prefers not to do that since many kids can move up on the spectrum, and some even outgrow their diagnosis altogether.

One last thing we're going to do is have genetic testing done on Binker. The doctor told us that autism can be the result of many things, such as a brain injury, a genetic syndrome, or simply being born with it, (and there are many theories as to what causes that). During the genetic testing, a sample of Binker's blood will be taken and compared to a bunch of known syndromes in the human genome (if this isn't totally correct, I apologize. There was a lot of doctor-speak going on, and I tried my best to keep up). One benefit of this test, is that if it turns out that Binker does have some genetic syndrome, then we would know for future family planning the odds of another child being born with it (oops, too late for that), but also, we would be able to save his doctors some steps, by telling them he has XYZ Syndrome, and then they would know what to expect of Binker. Then again, it may come back that he has no syndrome at all. I have my personal beliefs of what caused his autism, but that can be a controversial subject for some, so I will keep my opinion to myself for now. Regardless, I am interested to see what the genetic test results will say.

Oh, and apparently as part of the genetic testing, they are able to tell whether or not Husband and I are closely related. I nearly laughed out loud when the neurologist mentioned that part. I mean, how awkward would that be to find out your husband is, like, your fifth cousin? I'm not expecting any surprises like that though.

So, there it is. Binker officially has autism. And life - sometimes sorrowful, but oftentimes sweet - goes on.

Still Here

2012-02-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

We're still here.

Life's been crazy as ever these past few weeks, and we've been dealing with a lot of changes, some awesome, some challenging, but we're here, and we're getting through it.

Next Tuesday we will go back to Children's Hospital, to hopefully get the diagnosis we've been seeking for Binker, and we can close that chapter, which I am very anxious to do. In other Binker news, he has been doing a lot more spontaneous speaking lately, which is more exciting than I can truly express. Having him say what's on his mind, and talk about things he sees, or what people are doing, or where things are - these are HUGE steps for him, and it really encourages me that he will continue to build upon this.

Another thing I am excited about, is that I got a phone number for a hair stylist who works with special needs kids. Binker HATES haircuts. They give him major anxiety, and it is not a fun experience for anyone involved. Because of this, I stopped taking him to actual barber shops a long time ago, and have been giving him haircuts myself. To my great disappointment, I have no natural haircutting skills, and last night was probably my worst one ever. Binker has a bald spot on one part of his head. I sent him to preschool today wearing a hat, along with a note to his teacher asking if she knew anyone who might be able to help me, and to my great joy she did! Now we have a name and phone number, and I am so thrilled I will never be forced to butcher my son's hair again.

Today is an exciting day for our whole family, as Husband will be returning home after five weeks away at school for his new job in the Navy. We have missed him so much, and are beyond happy to have him return to us. I am so proud of all of his hard work, and all that he has accomplished. It has not been easy with him being gone. I am reminded, more than ever, that he is my rock, and my best friend. I am so ready to have him home again.

Bug is talking so much now. It is really fun to have "conversations" with him. I love knowing what's going on in that sweet little head of his. At the same time, it can be bittersweet, because I see how much Bug is talking, and can't help but wonder how much more Binker would be talking, since he is older. But I know there is no use in dwelling on that, so I try not to. I know that Binker is doing great, and he is so bright, and his brain just works differently, and that's okay.

Baby Boo is growing like crazy, and getting cuter every day. He rolled over from tummy to back a couple weeks ago, and he is thisclose to rolling from back to tummy. He keeps trying to sit up on his own, and in only a couple weeks we can begin giving him solid food! Time is just going way too fast with my sweet little babe.

All in all, we are doing great and are staying busy. Hopefully in the weeks to come I will find more time to sit down and write more detailed blogs, but this is it for now. Happy Friday!

Brotherly Love

2012-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

Four days a week, while Binker is at preschool, it's just me, Bug, and Boo at home.

Bug was a little standoff-ish when we first brought Boo home from the hospital, not quite sure to make of this tiny, noisy creature.

The face of uncertainty.

But, over the past few months, Bug has warmed up to baby a bit. He still finds him curious, but he likes to bring him his pacifiers and blankets, and he enjoys helping me give the baby his bottle.

Boo, on the other hand, full-on adores his big brothers. Sure, he smiles for me, but when Binker or Bug come into the room he lights up, and follows them with his eyes, mesmerized. I love watching him watch his brothers. I know that as soon as he is able, he will be following them everywhere.

I took this photo this morning.

Bug was so cute, snuggling up close to his little brother. I tell him all the time, that Boo was a gift to him, and as a big brother it's his job to take care of him, and be nice to Boo.

And it's pretty obvious, from the expression on Boo's face, how he was feeling. I know that in the years to come there will be arguments, and fights, and hurt feelings, but I also know that there will be a deep bond between my boys. Brotherly love.

Boo Rolls Over!

2012-02-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

This is actually the second time he has rolled over. The first time he did it was on his three month birthday, and I missed it! Thankfully, I had my camera ready this time.

Three Months Old

2012-01-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

Baby Boo is now officially three months old.

I have been taking photos each month to compare his growth. I'm happy to report that he is progressively getting chubbier, and, after being mostly bald on his two month birthday, he appears to have grown a lot of it back!

3 days old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

A Big Problem

2012-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

I have a big head. Like, freakishly.

I've always tried to participate in the latest fashions - tall boots, peasant tops (conveniently came into style during my first pregnancy), pea coats, you name it. I even remember a time when I was in high school, and bra strap headbands were in. But I didn't have a job and therefore I had no money to buy one, so I cut the strap off of one of my bras, safety pinned it together and wore it as a headband so I could be in style.

Yes, I actually wore an actual bra strap around my head. Cringe.

But one fashion statement I've never been able to enjoy is the Hat. It doesn't matter what style - wide brimmed, page boy, cowboy - I can't wear them because my head is too big. I don't know why, I'm definitely not intelligent enough to claim a large brain. My cranium is just obnoxiously big. And I know it is larger than average because all the hats in the stores have the same obnoxious tag on them: ONE SIZE. One size?! I am tired of this one size BS because their one size doesn't even come close to fitting my head.

On Sunday, I was enjoying a couple hours alone at Target when I saw their hat section. Beautiful, vintage-inspired hats in different colors with unique detailing. I couldn't help myself, I had to try them on. I chose three to try, and these were the results, (by the way, taking pictures of yourself at Target? Super awkward).

My head is so huge the hats sit on top of it! I look like a hat rack. Even the owl stocking cap, which was made of stretchy cotton, wouldn't stay down for more than two seconds.

It made me think of this lovely orange cashmere hat I have at home. I bought it years ago in New York. It was too pretty and soft to pass up, but it's never fit quite the way it should. And yet I keep it around the way someone might hold onto that pair of skinny jeans that they swear they're gonna fit into again one day when they slim down enough. Only, no amount of slimming down will get my freakishly large skull into that hat.

Discouraged, I turned to the trusty headband section. Sure, they always give me a killer headache, but at least they conform pretty well to the size of my head. In the end I picked out a dainty band with black and green feathers on it. After all, feathers are really in right now.

I'm sure that one day in like five years I will look back and wonder why the hell I went out in public with feathers in my hair, but for now I'm going to embrace it.

Besides, someone told me that added detail can be slimming, and my head needs all the help it can get.