The Good, The Bad, And The Grotesque

A Very Late Feelgood Friday!

2016-03-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

Sorry it’s taken me so long to repost this here! I originally posted this on Friday :-P

Here's a first time post of a #FeelgoodFriday! So, this is just another picture of a chick in her underpants (and super cute lace crop top bralet thingy thank you very much) to grace Facebook like thousands of others, but, it's not.

This weight loss journey has been a long and hard one (giggity). And the mental is just as tough as the physical. This picture is scary. Like, shit your pants and hide under the covers like a five year old during a thunderstorm scary. I posted one before, a little while back, and I was in shorts and a sports bra, but I feel especially exposed in this one. Which is why I'm posting it.

I feel exposed cause after losing so much weight, I find myself far harder on myself. I find myself more critical, more hateful, more hurtful to myself. What wasn't a problem before is a problem now. Oh hey stretch marks! Nice to see ya hanging around lose skin (ba-dum-TISS...get it...HANGING around cause it's...skin...yeah). And I found myself hating my body more than ever. I was becoming neurotic about exercise and counting calories, to the point where I felt like I was slipping into unhealthy behaviors in the opposite direction...like when I was in highschool again giving my senior friends money to buy me diet pills and not sleeping and eating direction. But I saw it, and I saw it was heading that way, and I knew I had to get my head back in check and refocus.

Focus on being healthy. Focus on giving my body good nutrition and fuel and exercising in healthy amounts and not living a life glued to the scale and constantly afraid. Don't get me wrong, keeping track of progress is great, staying on top of shit and being aware is great, but obsessing about it and what the numbers say, and "OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF I ATE A COOKIE, I WANT TO DIE", can and WILL drive you insane.

I feel like my head is back on track again. I've been resetting and refocusing on what I put in my body to give it the nutrition and the fuel it needs to keep progressing and to going on my journey. It's not even about weight loss anymore. It's about losing fat, and gaining muscle and energy and strength. I started a new nutritional system over a month ago and it has really made me feel amazing! It has given me new motivation and drive!

Feeling good physically helps to keep your head in check too! And while, I see things I don't like...like a lot of things haha...I have made PROGRESS. I have worked really, really hard and I am proud of how far I have come. And I will continue to be proud of the skin I am in now and as I progress in the future. It's the only body I have, and I've put it through a lot. And it deserves to feel loved and appreciated for all it has carried me through ❤.

So there you guys go! I hope you all are feeling good this Friday and if not, I hope you are taking steps to help your mind and body feel better. Cause everyone deserves to love themselves 😘.

Also, I can't be serious taking a mirror underwear pic, COME ON, I'm so lame hahaha...super cute bralet is cute thoughhhhhh

Night Time Thoughts

2015-06-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I went running after work. And I ran hard, and I ran fast, and I hurt. I ache and I'm sore and I'm tired and...I hurt.

But that's nothing new.

I hurt everyday. I hurt because I grow and pain is growth. Whether it's a simple as you workout, you lift, you skate, you run, you tear your muscles, they heal, they grow. Or as complex as you exercise your mind and spirit, you dig deep inside yourself, dig up things you never wanted to see again, you hurt, you heal, you grow.

We are all seedlings. Planted in unstable and unfair soil. Left to find our own paths towards the light. We reach a point, we break through the cold and unfeeling earth, and we see that light for the first time. That potential that exists in all of us, and we want more. We spend the rest of our forevers reaching toward the light. We get trampled and stepped on. We face monsoons and dry spells. We become broken and crippled and bent and are never the same. But we keep reaching. Because if we don't, we will cease to exist. We keep reaching because we have to. We have to nurture the mind, body, and heart. Defeat is not an option. To stop growing is the definition of death. It's why we are surrounded everyday by the living dead. Upright, erect, and breathing. It takes more to live than simply being alive.

Make it worth it. Keep reaching. Never stop growing. There will always be a light, and maybe we will never reach it, but it is the struggle and the sacrifice we make just to even get close that makes it worth it. That shapes who we are and it gives us something to push against, to fight for, and helps us find our own meaning against the landscape of cold, indifferent stars.

Old Friends

2015-05-02T02:43:00.004-04:00

Tonight, as most Friday nights, has been filled with the people and things that bring me great joy, and yet, I can't help but feel an oppressive and melancholy presence lingering over my heart. So, I'm going to ramble, and ramble, and ramble some more, as you do when your brain is leaking a thousand thoughts a minute in the wee hours of a Saturday morning...

My mind is gravitating to ideas and perception of pain and how we humans see it and view it. It's something most of us deal with on a daily basis to some degree or another. Heart break, chronic illness, a paper cut, death. Physical and emotional alike. And it makes me think about my own perception of pain. I feel pain every day. Physical pain from past injuries, joint problems, medical conditions, arthritis, general soreness from destroying my body to save my soul, as well as the emotional pain felt when coping with the burden of loses, mistakes, wrong-doings, regrets, betrayal, love. At times, I wonder if we only exist to feel the pain from the experience of living. I see so many people fighting against pain, taking pills to make their bodies hurt less, to make their hearts hurt less. Miracle cures, self-help aids, remedies, tricks and potions, all in the hopes of numbing or eliminating the pain.

I say, embrace it.
I say, don't you dare deprive yourself of experiencing your sadness, your fear, and yes, your pain.

I could not fathom an existence without pain. When I wake up in the morning, it's always there to greet me. An old friend. We've become very familiar because I do not fear him, I welcome him. I even thank him. Cause without that pain, I would not be who I am today. He reminds me of what I have sacrificed, what I have survived, and the pieces of myself I have given up to make room for him. He is ALWAYS there. Sometimes as a gentle whisper lingering in my ear. Other times as a symphony echoing through every corridor of my mind; but one way or another, there he is, reminding me of what has been and what can be. He reminds me that I am stronger than I ever really knew and that we are not meant to make it through this journey pure, clean, and unscathed. He reminds me to be kind, for I know he is with all those around me in one form or another; they might not have learned to accept him and tame him yet and I should be empathetic and sympathetic to their unknown plights. He reminds me to be gentle, for others may not have been hardened by him as I have and we should all tread gently on the hearts of strangers. Most of all he reminds me of what the future holds because over time with great joy also comes great sorrow and he has taught me to enjoy the beauty and wonders we are given because we are mortal. Everything in one sense or another has to expire eventually, when it does he will be there, to pick me up and remind me I've done this before and I have come out the other side, because the moment I allow him to overtake and completely consume me, will be the moment I cease to exist.

So I look him in the eyes every...single...day. I say hello. I acknowledge him, give him attention, make it known that I have not forgotten, a memorial to all the pieces of myself he has claimed, a morning ritual if you will, and I move on. He doesn't haunt me cause he knows I am not running from him. He is a demon who I have looked in the eyes and challenged head on. I haven't won, I don't know if I ever will, but I will gladly take a stalemate. We can walk hand in hand, take this journey together. My friend, my companion. I honestly am not sure I could exist without you. I owe you my life, my soul, my essence of humanity, myself. My beautiful friend. My mentor. My muse.

To feel pain is to feel alive. To feel pain is to remember you're alive. Sometimes we all need reminders we are mortals of flesh and bone and blood. We will die. We are creatures of frailty and resilience. Our minds capable of overcoming our bodies. Our memories of heartache and loss are our trophies because we would not appreciate, nay, we would not fully understand the absolute, unequivocal wonder of joy, happiness, and love without the inevitable reality of the pain and emptiness it causes when it's no longer there.

People tell me I am a happy person. A positive person. I like to think people aren't happy or sad people. People aren't good or bad people. People are just people; complex organisms of organic material and strange energy that can not be completely explained. We watch each other decay every single day. We feel driven to give our lives meaning and purpose and have constructed elaborate moral compasses to instill senses of right and wrong where there was once only instinct and primal natures. We have somehow figured out how to take control of our own evolution, raising our self-awareness to incredible heights, but still don't understand or fully grasp the vast spectrum of human emotions and what exactly drives us to do what we do. I have not the capacity to be a happy or sad person because I am both and neither and so much more. I like to think I'm well adjusted and have a decent understanding of my own humanity and what that means in the sense that I accept that I will probably never truly know. What I do know is that I will feel everything with everything I am. That when I feel it will start at my toes and reach up and out through the messy strands of my hair. I will feel it in the marrow of my bones, the cracks of my joints, the spaces in between my teeth. When it's gone my whole body will ache for it, long for it. Everything with in me will scream for it and beg for it. All I will be left with is the scar, the vacant space in my heart, the missing air from my lungs, the trauma of the human experience. And my old friend will be there. He will take my hand and say “look, look at what I have given you, remember this. Remember me. Remember what you had. Remember what you are. Never forget.” I will truly understand the magic and beauty of living, because I have opened my heart to what pain and fear have to teach me.

But that's just how I see it. On night's where I sometimes wish I could maybe, finally be truly alone he reminds me why I can't, but most importantly, why I wouldn't really want to anyway. And I smile, cause I have found peace with my demons and have learned how to coexist with my humanity. It is a happiness I welcome and one I have earned. A quiet, desolate joy.

Nights like this are made for tea and memories.

South Jersey Weekend with Calabrese and Tia. RIP Spock, and Small Update! pic heavy

2015-03-01T15:41:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! So I had sooooo much fun this weekend and there is so much to tell I decided to post a blog about it just so I could fit it all in!

So Friday I packed way too much for only spending a night at my lovely Tia's place and made the trek down the shore. I don't go down the shore that much. Though after this trip, I think I might be there far more frequently. It was warm...er...warmish on the drive down, so much so that I had the window cracked. I've really become an expert at the Garden State Parkway. And the quaint little speed limit signs that say "45mph," what a lovely suggestion *as everyone does at least 80mph past them*. But in all seriousness it was only about an hour and a half drive, not bad at all!

I was reunited with my beloved #GothFriendForever. For those of you who don't know Tia, I love her and she is wonderful. Former 78s freshmeat and still amazing person we have bonded over things like music and attractive men and fitness and the occult...you know, normal girl talk. But she makes my heart happy and the fact that she is so far away makes us both sad every day of our lives. So we treasure these reunions. We FINALLY got to exchange christmas presents and to our collective pleasant surprise we both hand made each other's gifts. I had forgot to take a pic, but I had hand painted a wine glass for her in black and various purples. And she had made me a very special and personalized box. Oh did I mention she does awesome wood burning? Oh no? OK! Well, she does and you guys should check out Wyrd Wood for he beautiful creations. Anyway, she had made me a box and I also bought two necklaces from her. I kinda love them very much.

Really, really beautiful right?! I love them. She also has some sets of ruins available RIGHT NOW. I want to get myself a set of those as well when I have the money. She'll also do custom work so hit her up for any ideas!

After catching up and screaming like little girls over our goodies and just finally being together at last, we got ready for the show. And after that....obligatory selfies together, naturally.

And of course I tried to get decent pictures of my hair and makeup for the evening.

Tia wanted to take me to have the best ice cream I have ever had in my life so before the show we stopped at a place called Sundaes. She had spoken of a magical, mythical creation known as a cannoli sundae. Now, there are few things I love more in this world than cannolis (and cheesecake and ice cream), so I couldn't imagine such a thing even existing. It would be far too beautiful for this world. But it does. You can get any flavor ice cream they have and the mix it with cannoli cream and pieces of cannoli shell. I had to see it to believe it. We got some insane chocolate Devil Dog Dick Titty Bitch (I believe that is the correct name for it, at least in my mind) ice cream in our sundae and had it topped with chocolate syrup. And as we sat in the car and devoured it together I thought "How the hell did I lose 100lbs, when shit like this exists in the world." Then I wondered how I have lived my life without ever eating this before. And then it reminded me of the cheesecake milkshake I had on Valentine's Day. God, that milkshake was good.

From there we headed to the show. I have never been to the Brighton Bar but I would def go there again. It was a really awesome place! I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, the lovely and talented Kim Kaos! I love this bitch, she is fantastic and I wish I saw her face more.

The show itself was really solid! Lots of awesome bands! Super excited to see Calabrese and Biters and of course my buds in The Zombie Mafia, but found some new rocking music to check out with Cheap Cigarettes and Murdersmile! Really dug their sound. Everyone there was so nice too! We even made some new friends having some birthday weekend adventures (hiiii Becky and Julie, you guys rock!). I bought a Calabrese shirt and patch and Tia got a pin. It was also the first T-shirt I have bought in a small so I actually own a band t-shirt that fits me properly again, yay! I'm still not used to this whole I-am-not-an-XXL-anymore thing. It really can be a mind fuck sometimes, but that's a blog for another day. At the end of the show Davey came up to me and gave me a set list and signed it, it was sooooo awesome and mad cool of him! Especially since I love collecting set lists, how did he know :-P. A huge, huge thank you to our new friends Julie and Becky for snagging pictures for us with the guys in the band. You guys are the best and Becky, I hope you had an AMAZING birthday weekend!

Soooooo much fun! I took some shitty pictures during the show. But mine aren't as magical as Julie's but I'll post them anyways!

pics of Calabrese, Biters, TZM, and Cheap Cigarettes

Afterwards we stopped and got food (veggie wrap noms!) and drove around. We were super ambitious and wanted to go on the beach at night...in the winter...cause you know. But we got to the beach and sat in her car and ate our food. But we did drive around Asbury at night, and it was really pretty. I love Asbury Park in the winter when it looks abandoned. Probably one of my favorite things in the whole world.

The next day we got up early and went for breakfast in Point Pleasant. We hit up a cute little diner for breakfast (cause duh, Jersey :-P) and then went for a walk around the main strip. We found this AMAZING thrift and antique shop filled with so many amazing treasures including a whole cabinet of medical oddities, antiques, and preserved insects. I wanted everything. So many amazing old dolls and treasures. We must have spent at least an hour there and we really didn't ever want to leave. I took pics of what I bought and the things I wanted that I could afford. Maybe next time ;-).

these are part of a set of 8 Chinese opera theater puppets from the 1800's. Set was going for $5,000

I can haz?!?!?!

Please?!?!

PRETTY please?!?!?!?

My spoils from the journey.

We stopped off in a really awesome spiritual/wicca shop as well and I also stopped in a cafe a got a coconut latte and strawberry oatmeal bar before leaving this wonderful land. It really was a lovely place. I can't wait till its warm for beach times and more adventures with my #GothFriendForever...Gogol at the Stone Pony perhaps??? X-D. After I got home, I dropped off my stuff and headed for my RBBF's house to see her gimpy, broken-footed ass, and give her presents I had gotten for her during thrift times, and play music. She really liked her gifts.

I was feeling kinda sick last night and felt worse today, so I wound up staying home and have been working on this blog and watching OS Star Trek all day. I wrote a little tribute to Leonard Nimoy on facebook, so I'll repost it here as well:

"Sick today so wound up calling out of work. So I'm going to be in bed watching Star Trek Original series and the old movies all day and crying my eyes out. Cause Leonard Nimoy is gone. And I love him.

I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon of acting like every celebrity who died was so influential and magical and amazing or to especially act like they have influenced me in some way. But Nimoy IS different. Mr.Spock and Star Trek have inspired generations of kids to take an interest in science and the cosmos. Together they have influenced astornuats, scientists, actors. Spock is probably the most well known element in Star Trek. And as we watched him over the years struggle with the duality of being half human and half vulcan, he showed many of us what it was like to find and embrace our own humanity. He had a long life dispite his health issues, and overcame his own set of personal demons.

So yes, I did cry and am crying over Leonard Nimoy dying. He was a great man. And as the meme has been saying he didn't die, Scotty just beamed him up. And I hope where ever he is Bones is there calling him a green-blooded hobgoblin . #LLAP"

(Still one of my favorite shirts, even though it doesn't fit anymore)

I am currently in the process of setting up a tattoo appointment for something I have been wanting to get for a while and with Mr.Spock's passing, I think the time is right.

Aside from being sick today and sad, this weekend was pretty rad! I was so happy to get to go see some amazing music with my amazing friend, eat delicious food, and just be away for a bit. I have been trying to get back into doing more makeup looks daily so I can feel like a human being again so here are some looks that I have done over the past week or two that I haven't posted on here yet, hope you all enjoy!

just being a goofball in my new shirt my friend got me for VDay!

Thanks for reading everyone!! <3

Transformation Tuesday! 2/10/15

2015-02-10T22:29:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! Time for another #TransformationTuesday! I know you guys are probably sick of seeing these so I am sorry! It's been a wild ride and I know some of you follow me just for this journey. These past few months have been the hardest of the weightloss. Its that point where you really start plateauing and you need to make new changes. The results you want to see are more specific. For me, I still have weight I want to drop, but a good part of it now it about building up strength and toning and seeing more definition. So my diet is changing, my exercise routine is changing and the progress is much slower, the weight loss is much slower, so even I need some motivation and positive reinforcement! But you just have to keep pushing through! Setting reasonable, attainable goals, and kicking their butts and setting more! Stay positive, stay strong, and keep pushing. You can get there. I can get there!

The pic on the left was in 2012. Around my heaviest. I never posted it up cause I hated how I looked in it. I loved that coat but never wore it because even though it was an XL or a XXL it didn't fit. But I wore it anyway cause finding clothes was nearly impossible for me at the size and being only 5 feet tall. The pic on the right is from only a few weeks ago (I know I posted it already, sorry!). And just seeing them side by side reminds me of how hard I have worked and how far I have come. To be proud of what I have accomplished and use that to keep reaching for my goals. Thanks as always for the love and support you guys <3

Super Quick Update!

2015-02-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

Hey guys! Hope you all have been doing well! I know, I know I haven't posted much on here I'M TERRIBLE! UGH! I have some ideas for upcoming blogs it's just been having the time to sit down and do them!! But I had some pics I never posted here that I wanted to throw up really quick in case you all missed them on my facebook! Just some OOTD and FOTD posts, hope you guys enjoy!

Outfit for when I saw Reverend Horton Heat!

Makeup and Hair for RHH!

Makeup for when I saw CK5 and Darrow

Outfit from CK5 and Darrow

Just being a goon :-P

Isn't he cute?! I painted him for work!

Sorry there isn't anything too exciting to post yet! I have honestly just been consumed with work. My phone also broke for about a week so I was off the radar for a bit, but I should be back in full swing now and ready to rock and roll!!! I have some new health/body issues blogs to post as well as makeup, fashion, and music! So keep your eyes open guys. I also need to try and squeeze a VDay look in there somewhere ;-)

Bloody Valentine Shoot

2015-02-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! So my derby team Psycho 78s Roller Derby are doing and awesome online fundraiser! If you go to our store http://psycho78s.storenvy.com you can see the cool VDay packages we offer. Please if you can check it out and pick one up and help us out this year or just spread the word! Part of the pack is an autographed pic of your 78 of choice! I'm pretty happy with how my pic came out, so here it is as well as a few others I got from the shoot!

Thanks for check it out guys! I should have some more posts coming in the near future!

Personal Update and Randomness

2015-01-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

So I posted a blog all ready to start posting shit up every week, but then life happened and I didn't get a chance to. Honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot to report! I only over the past week or so started to feel better from being sick. I'm really, really happy to be done with all of that. I didn't really do any new looks between being sick and working. However, I've come up with a lot of new ideas for makeup concepts and series I REALLY wanna do this year, I just need to get supplies cause some of the fx looks I don't have exactly what I need, but they are really cool in my head and I hope to get some out to you all soon. I also want to do a blog about my skin care routine. I get a lot of questions as to how I take care of my skin and what I use, so I think it would be a good first review for my newly revamped blog!

I've really just been focusing on my days off on cleaning and getting rid of some old clutter. I have some clothes and shoes I want to post up to sell and want to see what else I can find. I need to organize my craft area so I can start FINALLY making and selling stuff online. I have sooooo much fake hair for dreads, I just need to bang out some sets and get them up online for you all to check out. Just trying to maximize my tiny space and figure out how to make some extra cash, aren't we all though? That's why I haven't done any new looks on my days off either just trying to get everything back in order from being in chaos over the holidays and sick times. I have been doing SOME crafting though, some stenciling and patch making.

I was even thinking of maybe doing a DIY tutorial on stenciling, or at least how I do it. It's a lot of fun and you don't have to be crazy good at drawing or painting to do it! I did make most of these patches, but the Silent Horror and Alien Sex Fiend patches are the only ones I actually hand painted. I did the Blitzkid one as a transfer and the Misfits patch is older than dirt I don't remember where I got it lol. I really need to get more used to my sewing machine. I hand-sewed all these so far, but I like the rough look of hand-sewing, especially the obvious different thread color. I just need to order more spikes for the coat and we'll be set. I used most of them up on my Bad Whoremoans vest.

Even though my exercise had to take a back seat while I was sick, I was really happy that I was able to pick right off where I left off in my running program. I've been really proud of myself for sticking to a routine with it again. My body has gotten used to waking up at 6am to workout before the day begins. I love getting it done in the morning so I don't have to worry about squeezing it in and it just makes you feel energized and ready to kick ass! I had an awesome moment the other day where I ran for 20 minutes straight. That might not seem like a lot to some people, but for someone who never thought in a million years they could ever run more than a minute, it was a pretty spectacular feeling. Been getting back into strength training again. Since I started running I have neglected it, but now I'm working on getting back into it. I also got my hands on the Insanity workouts which I'm planning to start soon. I think it will be good for working on different cardio endurance and will also help with my strength training, wish me luck haha! I have also been making some significant changes to my eating habits but I will post a new blog with a whole fitness update at a later time when my new changes have settled in. I still have more weight to drop, but I def think I've lost enough that I will start to really see more muscle definition. It's an absolutely insane feeling to see your body changing before your eyes and looking in the mirror and seeing a completely different person, but that too is a blog for another day (and it will be :P)

I will hopefully be getting my hands on a decent video camera again soon and when I do I will be recording another uke video! I have a few songs I've been itching to record and post but have been holding off till I get a better camera. I hope you guys dig them. The more I post and the more feedback I get the more confidence it gives me to post! I am supper happy you guys have dug what I have put out so far and I hope to only get better and better. I have been really thinking about starting up some kind of musical project this year. I have a bunch of ideas running through my head and when I think about them it makes me really happy. I just got to sit down and write them and figure out how to approach them. So we shall see what comes of those.

I DO have some exciting stuff coming up! A couple of really great shows this month and working on a really awesome music video doing hair and makeup which I am very excited about. Been dying to get a new tattoo and I have a killer idea, as soon as I get some extra cash you bet I'll have something new to show you!

Something I had posted in my New Year's blog was about writing more. And I have some scribbles here and there but I don't have anything crazy new. I've been going through a lot of old stuff seeing what I want to keep, seeing if there is anything I want to re-work, and I found this. I wrote this in 2008 or 2009 so it's pretty old, but it's something I still kinda like (which is amazing cause I usually end up hating almost everything I write) so I want to share it again. I had gotten the idea for it from a writing prompt online at like 2 or 3am when I couldn't sleep one night (which is when I wrote MOST of my old shit lol). I also don't normally write structured poems, so this is definitely different than my normal, stream of consciousness, free-style style haha, which is cool, it's a challenge to write stuff not in your comfort zone. I know some of you have seen it, but for those of you who haven't here it is:

(I did make this into an image as I figure it would be more difficult to yank plus if it was just re-posted, my site is right on it. Not because I think it's so good, but I have had trouble with people stealing my work in the past...A LOT. So if you rip anything I write, I will hunt you down.)

Thanks as always for reading guys! Much love to you all! <3

New Year, New(ish) Blog, New Goals

2015-01-06T17:09:00.001-05:00

Happiest of Newest Years oh blogger verse! I am back and I hope this time to stay. It's been awhile since we last spoke and lots has happened but I decided to start fresh, delete everything from this blog previously, revamp it, and start from scratch. Sorry for the shitty header graphic, I have been without photoshop for some time to make quality looking images soooo, this will have to do for now.

I was never one for resolutions. More of a "no time like the present" or "if you wanna make a change, what are you waiting for, do it" kinda gals, I wasn't someone who waiting for the new year to jump start me with goals. This year however almost feels different. 2015 feels like a breath of fresh air. I rang in the new year in pretty much the most awesome way imaginable - good friends and good music. Unfortunately, I have also been battling being sick since before Christmas Eve. As my sickness dissipates and I am slowly on the road to recovery (knock on wood), I've used my time immobile as a chance to kick start this blog again, so even the shittiest situations have their silver linings.

Picture break!

(Doom and I before Gogol came on)

(Our adventures around Philly)

(Outfit for the day)

(what better way to ring in the new year than with this handsome fella?!)

So, like I was saying...

I've never been one of those types, but this year feels so much different. So many aspects of my life are new and shiny again. It's exciting and scary and different and good. I wouldn't say I have waited for the new year to jump start progress, but there are some things that I would like to accomplish this year. Things I would like to focus more on. I will now share those with you so if they don't actually happen you all can hold me accountable :-P.

1) Blog more!

Post more makeup looks, more fashion looks, more creative writing. Try to do more reviews and keep up with posting about fitness related stuff too! More writing in general!
Play more/write more music. I started posting my uke videos and I am hoping to get better at the theremin this year so we shall see where that goes.
Take more pics. I got away from taking pictures last year and I'd like to get back into. And also not settle for taking shitting pictures of my work or looks. I'm looking into getting a better phone so when that IS my only option I still have a decent camera at hand *hopes for iphone 6 plus*

2) After I lose 100lbs, Keep going!

To continue on my fitness journey full steam ahead. I have more I wanna lose and I don't wanna get complacent!
Run a 5k with my friend Tia!
Tone up more. I wanna see some more definition!
Keep running.
Find new activities to try.
Really focus in on eating clean and eating nutritious food to fuel the body and mind.
Skate more. Get faster. Hit harder. Be the best skater I've ever been and show people that even though I'm half of my physical self, I'm twice the skater I have been.

3) Make Art

More makeup looks! More creative! More ideas! More mediums! Make all the art with out apologies.
Make more hair pieces. I miss making dreads and hair extensions!
Like I mentioned before make more music. Write more songs/poetry/whatever.

Work on more collaborative projects. Photo and video shoots, internet collabs, whatever comes along just do more!

(first selfie of 2015)

I hope you guys will join me on another year. Those of you who have supported since "The Myspace Days" (as silly as that sounds) have meant so much to me. I have met and talked to so many amazing people because of social networking and the internet it really makes me grateful that I DO live in a time of thriving technology. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and appreciate ALL of you who support me new and old, but those of you who have seen my ups, downs, and transformation as an artist and as a person, you are all wonderful. I made my first social networking profile when I was 13 years old and some of you have been here ever since then. My awkward teen years, my awkward club kid/candy kid years, my angsty gothy years, and now, you've seen them all. Thank you for sticking with me for over a decade now. Wow....a fucking decade. A decade of decadence and ugly things!

Here's to even bigger and better things in 2015! I hope they're dead things....I like dead things.

Donuts and Demons (or how and why I lost almost 100lbs and why you should read my blog)

2015-01-05T21:18:00.000-05:00

Here it is. I am finally getting around to my first blog post on this brand new, shiny, sexy blog about fitness. I have gotten questions out my asshole from those of you wanting to know how I did it, why I did, and where exactly am I going with all of this. So please indulge me while I span the entire scope of my weight journey (gains and losses). Where it all started for me, and what actually has worked. The mental aspects, the physical aspects, and everything in between. This is going to be a long one kiddies, so please bare with me.

**WARNING: BEFORE YOU READ ANY FURTHER PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THERE MAY BE SOME TRIGGERS FOR THOSE OF YOU STRUGGLING/WHO HAVE STRUGGLED WITH EATING DISORDERS OR SELF HARM.**

(This was the picture that inspired me to start this blog. So many people responded to it and quite frankly, it didn't really click how much weight I lost and how far I have really come until I saw this side by side.)

Ever since I can remember, I was overweight. In fact, I can not remember a single time in my life where I wasn't. I also can't remember a time in my life where my weight wasn't almost the entire focus of my existence. I come from a family of people who have all suffered from weight issues and the ideals and perception of weight were passed down to me from a very early age. I don't blame anyone for how I am, but rather look to how they were raised and how diet and thin culture was pushed onto them, especially the woman in my family. My mom didn't want me to go through what she had as a child so she tried her best to stay on top of my weight. I was very active. I did multiple forms of dance, horseback riding, martial arts, but no matter what I was always, always heavy. An unhealthy habit I developed at a very young age was a taste and obsession for "diet" foods. I don't ever recall drinking anything but skim milk even as a child, and I would sprinkle 2-3 equals on my cereal to save myself the calories from sugar. Everything I ate was low-fat, low-calories, low-sugar chemical, processed, crystal light, snackwells bullshit. And when I wasn't eating that I was your typical 90's kid eating Gushers and Dunkaroos, while my pediatrician would tell my mom, and I quote "You shouldn't give her those things. No more chocolate milk in her lunch, give her carrot sticks." So naturally at school I got teased for being the only fucking kid with carrot sticks and not fruit snacks and I would mooch off my friends anyway to get my fix.

(Dawww what a cute little muffin I was! I wasn't that chubby here yet guys, but according to my doctor it was a slippery slope! *rolls eyes*)

I entered the 4^th grade and had my real first taste of being bullied for my weight. Now, I had received passive aggressive, back-handed compliments plenty of times from people I knew and strangers. Things like “You have such a pretty face!” or “How cute, she'll grow out of that baby weight.” but nothing that I actually processed as an insult at such a young age. When I had entered school that year, kids had started noticing I was fat (as well as awkward...with big purple glasses...and frizzy, curly hair). For the entire year there was a group of 5 boys who proceed to harass me to no end. I use the word harass lightly as it could probably be classified as almost stalking. Every where I went, every single day of my life they tormented me. They would oink at me as I walked down the hall. They would watch me and comment on how I ate. How much of a pig I was. Things like fat pig, piggy, fatty, blob, ugly, the usual insults from children I suppose. I would try so hard to get them to like me, to be their friend but nothing worked and they would just badger me morning and afternoon. That year I came home everyday from school and cried in my room. Just cried and cried and thought why can't I just be normal? Why am I fat? Why aren't other kids fat? If I'm fat I must be bad cause people treat me like I'm bad. And that is the age I started up a long history of self injury and self deprecation. I remember the first time I cut myself. I had seen one of those older Scotch tape dispensers in my room, the kind that had the jagged metal end to rip the tape. I broke it off and I started scratching up my arms with it. It didn't do much, it bled a little and I don't know exactly why thought to do it or why I thought hurting myself would help. But the point I'm trying to make is I was a 4^th grader...away in my room...practicing self harm. A 4^th grader. A child who shouldn't have a care in the world, was cutting themselves because they wanted to be skinny. I would imagine scenarios where I would kill myself. I would draw pictures of me killing myself or dying. I continued to injury myself up through high school. Eventually it got to the point where my parents knew I was upset, they didn't know about the self harm but they couldn't take it anymore. My dad went into school and talked to the principal. Our principal was a lovely man. And he ripped those boy apart so bad when I was called in they were sobbing and eager to apologize. They stopped after that (though they gave me a bit of shit for tattling) but the seeds had be planted. That year was probably the most influential year that shaped how I viewed myself and my weight for the rest of my life. Those boys probably don't even remember. We all grew up together, my town was the only town in our school district. But even if high school, I would see them in the halls and they my have forgotten, but I never have and I never will.

When I was 10 my pediatrician signed off on a permission slip for me to join weight watchers. At that time I was too young and needed a doctors note which she gladly gave me. Things went well for a while until a month or so in. It was my weigh-in day after my birthday week and boyyyy was I nervous. Now if you have ever done weight watchers or any other kind of diet program where you have weekly weigh-ins, you know...YOU KNOW haha. That feeling after your birthday week, Thanksgiving week, Christmas week. That “Ohhhh shit, I'm in trouble” feeling haha. Well, I had done my best to enjoy myself and still keep an eye on how I was doing. I was proud of myself for not obsessing over it, but still staying in control. I felt like that was a healthly balance which was impressive having be practically bred to have nothing but an unhealthy relationship with weight. When I stepped on the scale, I was elated. I didn't gain, I didn't lose, I stayed the same. I had thought that was great considering I indulged a bit, but my weigh-in lady didn't seem to agree. She then began to belittle me, scold me, questioned me if I was serious about losing the weight and if I had been following the program. She then gave me a stack of food journals since she didn't believe I was writing in mine and told me she wanted to see me do better next time. I ran out of there in hysterics. I was sobbing into my mother's arms and she was absolutely horrified how that woman could speak to me like that, speak to a 10 year old like that. Needless to say I was pulled out of there. I later returned to Weight Watchers 2 more times in my life, none of them with any long term success. After that I had enrolled in fat camp for an entire summer (some of you might have seen on True Life a long time ago on MTV, yup, that was the one). Which did absolutely nothing but control everything you did and ate and was a completely contained environment that once you were out of you had learned nothing, you had gained nothing. Sure, I lost 20lbs, me and everyone else, but when you wake up at 7am and are scheduled to do nothing but different exercise classes and sports all day and eat only the food they give you, of course you're going to lose weight. It was a really great money making cycle though. Kids go, lose weight, gain it back and more over the year, next summer they are back again parents shelling out THOUSANDS and thousands of dollars. I was probably one of the only kids there whose parents WEREN'T some degree of rich cause it was really fucking expensive. But my parents knew how badly I wanted to lose weight and did what they had to to afford to send me. I was there for 8 weeks, my entire summer vacation.

(Thank GOD all that time at fat camp allowed me to fit into an XL in Hot Topic dresses)

Fast forward to highschool. I'm overweight, I'm weird looking. People are dating, people are having sex, people's bodies are changing. And here I am...still fat. Fatter than ever actually. I always had friends, a lot of time they weren't always the best people to have as friends. I befriended a girl who was a senior when I was a freshman, and we became very close and she would give me those backhanded compliments:
“Ohhh you're so pretty! I wish I was you! You have such great hair and skin and eyes!”
“...but I'm fat. You don't want to be me, you like being skinny haha.”
“Oh well if I was you I would just work out!”
She was very good at building people up and manipulating them for her own personal gains. And she would do whatever she had to to keep you around. So when I would start to become really bummed out about my weight her solution was diet pills. She had been taking them and said they worked wonders. You had to be 18 to buy them so I would give her the money and she would get me the goods. I took diet pills for several months while in highschool. They were pretty much like taking over the counter speed. I barely slept, I barely ate. Sure I lost 30lbs in a month, but I was constantly dizzy and sick. I always wore baggy clothes or lots of clothes and jewelry so people didn't notice too much, but it was enough. I had several bouts of starving myself for weeks before giving into the pain and binging. I had several attempts at trying to make myself throw up after eating, none ever had much success. And I became obsessed with trying to work out, riding stationary bike or my mom's treadmill for hours at a time, all while eating, maybe, 500 calories a day at some points. My freshman and sophomore years were a vicious cycle like that. After me and that girl stopped being friends, my eating habits went in the opposite direction. I didn't give a shit. I would eat breakfast at home and go to school and get a bagel with cream cheese and jelly and poptarts, then for lunch I would get whatever they were serving and ice cream at the snack bar. After school I would get snacks at the vending machine then go home and eat a snack, then eat dinner and dessert. I didn't care. I didn't care about getting a boyfriend because I had decided that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever like me so I will just eat and eat. My self injury proceeded to get worse as I had moved up to stealing razorblades from my dad's cutting tools and prying them out of disposable shavers as well as burning myself. I would rip up my arms, my stomach, and my legs. Carve shit into myself like “repulsive, worthless, fat, cow”. It didn't matter. I wore sweatshirts in 90 degree weather and refused to wear shorts or short skirts, no one even questioned it. My weight and my appearance consumed every aspect of my life. It determined how I felt about myself and how I let others treat me. Most people had no idea. I was always dressed crazy, I had outrageous hair and makeup, I did very well in school, was in a ton of after school actives. I always seemed happy and friendly. I was fairly good at hiding how I actually to felt to almost everyone around me.

(Top pic is me normal day and the bottom pic is my from a school play. I remember cause I almost passed out back stage at one point cause I felt so sick and dizzy from not eating for 3 days. There aren't many full body pics of me from high school. I was pretty good at avoiding them.)

There was finally a point where I didn't obsess about it as much, and that's when I found roller derby. I almost didn't care because I had found a place where being heavy wasn't a bad thing. It was also around this time that I started seeing someone who even though they told me how they thought the world of me a loved me and thought I was beautiful, I was constantly in question of why they would ever love a fat, piece of shit like me and was constantly in fear that they would eventually leave me for someone better. It's not that they did anything to make me question their feelings for me, it was just where my head was. The next six years of my life, I did derby and I was in a stable relationship. I didn't give my weight much of a thought, quite frankly I didn't care. I had found someone I thought I was going to spend my life with so I wasn't worried about losing weight to impress anyone and I had found of group of friends who taught me how to use my weight as an advantage. For me, being heavy had NEVER been an advantage. Ever. I was happy-ish. I buried my self hate and instead of actually working on why I was depressed and why I hated myself, I took these external factors as the answers to my prayers. However, not paying any attention to what I ate, my weight skyrocketed and fast. Over those years I became the heaviest I had ever been. I had reached 267lbs at one point. I'm only 5feet tall, 260lbs is a lot of weight on a 5ft frame no matter how much I worked out. It got to a point at the end of 2012 I wasn't sure if I would be able to continue skating. Derby is a hard sport on your body as it is especially your knees. I had been carrying around 260lbs, skating for 5ish years at that point, my body was screaming NO. I had trouble walking. I had no stamina for anything BUT skating. I became depressed, apathetic, disinterested in things I once LOVED doing. I knew I needed to do something. I needed to finally get my weight under control. Years of yo-yo dieting, unhealthy measures, and self loathing had really taken their toll.

(this is me not giving a fuck...at first)

(and when I started to feel the effects of not giving a fuck.)

I discover a program called DDPYoga (and I promise they didn't endorse me to say anything I'm saying, in fact I have tried to get their attention several times in hopes that maybe they might be like hey can we share your shit, you want some shit, thanks for spreading the word, but alas they have not haha). It's a program developed by a former wrestler named Diamond Dallas Page. He had suffered an injury and his wife encouraged him to try yoga and in turn he developed his own type of yoga combining a cardio workout with yoga technique to build flexibility and strength as well as burn calories like an intense aerobic workout might. Of course I was skeptical. I was the QUEEN of diet trends, why should this one work? I saw a video on his page about a guy named Arthur who was a disabled veteran that through this program no longer needed the use of his crutches and even was able to not only walk but run on his own. Well...needless to say I cried my eyes out. But what really got me is the selling point he had for athletes. How it could help repair your body from years of damage. After all that's the boat he himself was in when he started. Something about it made me really want to give it a shot. It just seemed legit. He had a whole social networking site for members to interact and offer support once you bought the program. He had a 3 phase nutritional program as well as the workouts. So in 2013 as an anniversary present to myself and my boyfriend at the time who had wanted to try it I bought the deluxe package with everything.

Once I bought it though I had immediate access to the website and some basic info, so I started reading up on the diet plan. Phase one seemed like something I was already doing. So I checked out phases 2 and 3. They encouraged a dairy-free, gluten-free diet with focus on unprocessed foods, no white refined sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, things of that nature. It didn't encourage counting calories or fat but rather staying with in portion sizes, eating lots of veggies, keeping a food journal of the things you ate, and eating as much organic and simple foods as possible. I did some research outside of this as well. I wanted to look into the GF/DF thing more. I had heard many conflicting things about it. Ultimately, I decided it was a good choice for ME (and we shall get more into the good choice for you later on ;-P). Before I even got the program in the mail I started eating gluten-free. I had dropped 8lbs in a week. I was amazed and needless to say it was a huge motivator to stick to it. Once I had gotten to program in the mail, I followed the instructions to the letter. I did everything meticulously, wrote everything down, read every label. I drove my boyfriend, friends, and family nuts haha. But I stuck with it. I had wondered how hard it was going to be cutting out the two things I probably ate the most of and hoolllyyy shit how could I not eat cheese?! But I just decided to do it, and after a week I really didn't miss any of it. It was probably a years before I even started eating things like gluten-free breads or pastas. I just stuck mostly to lean proteins, rices, quinoas, veggies, and fruits. I did however develop an absolute LOVE of almond milk! And I felt better. I felt like I was giving my body the fuel it needed to run. I avoided white sugar and HFCS as much as humanly possible. Ate processed garbage as little as possible and stuck with the workouts religiously.

(One of the first full body pics I took of myself when I had started losing)

The weight just started to come off. I was losing probably 5lbs a month. Nothing crazy but it was a good, steady weight lose that really kept me motivated. I was so grateful I had found this program and started it when I did because 2013 was an extremely rough year for me emotionally. My boyfriend and I were pretty much over and I was having a very hard time coping with my feelings of the whole situation. If I didn't have this program I don't know what might I have happened. I would have probably either starved myself or just kept eating until I weighed 300lbs. This program and my focus on getting HEALTHY really was a glimmer of hope during a very painful and difficult year in my life. It really helped me focus on not losing weight, but changing my lifestyle. It's not about diets. Diets don't work. Real change happens when you make real, maintainable changes in your life. Unlike with other programs, what I was eating (and what I wasn't eating) manifested in a physical difference in how I felt. The weight coming off was great, yes, but I FELT good. Every diet I had been on I felt hungry, I felt like I was missing shit, like I needed to binge just to stay sane. I have never felt this way with this program. If I want something sweet? I'll eat it. And I find myself craving those things less in general. I WANT to eat fruits, I WANT to eat veggies. Fried foods, fast foods, processed foods just aren't appealing. My body likes how this food makes it feel. The workouts were perfect for someone like me. I was really surprised how much of a cardio workout they are. I legitimately got my heart rate up enough to burn significant calories. And the yoga really helped me rebuild my blown-out knees. My skating was better than it had ever been. My endurance was better than it had ever been. My body was finally feeling good again.

In 2014 I found myself in a strange situation. I was the thinnest I had been in my adult life. I weighed less than I did in high school. My boyfriend of 6ish years and I finally split (which was painful, but on good terms) and I found myself in a real pickle and that was I had those evil, evil self-loathing thoughts creeping back into my head. And my first thought was “What the fuck, I worked so hard, I feel good physically, why am I feeling like shit?! What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy? Blah blah blahhhh.” Tragically, my inner demons could not be silenced by the fact I had lost an entire pre-teen worth of weight from my body. So I had to do something I didn't want to do. Something I had avoided doing my entire life. I had to look inside myself and figure out why I was such a shit head to myself and how to repair the years of emotional damage from myself and others. Unfortunately, its not like it is in diet ads and when you lose weight you also shed those unwanted pounds of mental scarring and self-hatred and life is wonderful and magical and shiny HOORAYYY. They are still there. Losing weight did not fix them and now I needed to focus on repairing my mind while still repairing my body. Its like I had said, I had taken derby and being in a relationship as answers to my problems, but now I had new problems. In derby I wasn't the same skater I had been when I was heavy. I needed to (still need to) learn how to use my new body to my advantage. I'm no longer usually the biggest person on the track, now, I'm usually one of the smallest. I literally can not get away with just throwing my weight around any more. In my life, I'm not in a relationship. I don't have a significant other to tell me they love me and I'm beautiful. I only have myself to tell me, and that is something I have never done before. That is something I could ever do before. Cause I didn't love myself. I hated myself. I...hated...myself. And I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved and I didn't deserve to feel good because I am a terrible person. I needed to figure out and teach myself how to undo the years of hate and how to start loving myself. Cause I am the only person in this world that I absolutely NEED that kind of love from. You can't rely on outside things and outside people to make you confident and happy. You need to provide them for yourself. So I found myself in the terrifying and unique position of being a blank slate. I had spent years basing myself off the things and people around me, and now I was just me. It was time to start really figuring out who I am and how to love me for everything I am.

On top of all that my weight loss roller coaster had come to a stop. I had plateaued. THE DREADED PLATEAU. It wasn't bad, I had lost roughly 80lbs. But I wanted more, I wanted to keep going. I saw what my body was, and what it was now, and I was seeing what it could be if I continued. I had never had a set weigh loss goal in mind, but to be honest I had never imagined losing THAT much weight. As I started to lose the weight I had discovered something, my body was not the body that people had been telling me I had my entire life. Ever since I could remember people had told me I just had thick bones, I was just wide, I just had a wide frame. But....I don't. I absolutely don't. I am petite in almost every way. I have big hips butttt that's really it. I am not a large person, I am not meant to be. As I am rediscovering who I am internally, my body is changing. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't even look in the mirror to recenter myself because I don't see myself. I am a stranger. I have encountered family in public places who have looked right past me cause they didn't recognize me. It almost feels like you're invisible at times really. The whole experience is eerie and a bit surreal. But it's an opportunity to reinvent myself. To build myself up right. To appreciate who I am and what I am and how far I have come.

I become bored very easily, especially when it comes to exercise. If it starts to feel like a chore, I will stop. So I changed it up. I have to confess I am not as strict with doing my yoga as I was because I have found other activities that make me happy and feel good. I am really into running at the moment. I am currently working on a couch to 5k program and hope to run a 5k next year with a very good friend of mine. As for my eating I am still maintaining a GF/DF diet, though I have become more adamant about monitoring other aspects of my diet. When I was at my heaviest, I think it was good to just focus on eating the right things and staying within portion sizes. These days, that isn't enough. I have started monitoring my caloric intake as well. I use a really nifty app called MyFitnessPal. Its like a food journal that helps you figure out your caloric intake based on how much weight you want to lose and you level of activity and it also keeps track or your exercise and water intake. It is a lot of fun to use and it so much easier than carrying a little notebook around everywhere. I am still super grateful for DDPYoga and how it really has (and continues to) help me stick to a healthy and active lifestyle. I am mostly thankful for how it has helped me discover new activities that I love and can now DO because I have lost the weight. If you asked me 4 months ago, 6 months ago if I EVER thought I would run and I would tell you fuck no. But I do! And I do because I can without excruciating pain from the extra weight on my joints.

At this point I have lost about 95lbs. I am looking forward to finally reaching the 100lb mark and that will be a HUGE milestone for me. My weight lose has slowed significantly. I lose anywhere between .5-1lbs a week now, but I am happy with that. Weight loss shouldn't be super fast. When you are heavier it can be, but after a certain point a pound or two a week is normal until you reach a weight you want to maintain. I don't know how much I want to weigh, but I have physical goals for my body that I know I need to lose more to accomplish. This year started out really rough, but I have been working on repairing myself mentally and physically and the results have been wonderful. I have my days, we all do and honestly with a new body comes a whole new set of insecurities (I'll post a blog about that at some point as well), but overall I am the happiest I have been in probably my entire life. I am certainly the healthiest. I found something that worked for me. Something that I can keep up with for the rest of my life. I lost weight for health reasons and because I wasn't entirely happy in my skin. I never have been (and never will be) a believer that your weight or your size determines your beauty. People are beautiful and confident in a variety of shapes and sizes. I AM a believer in making changes in your life that will make you feel good and make you happy. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure. Most of the time our weight is only a small factor in how we feel. If you are upset about needing to lose weight or you feel like you aren't beautiful because of your size that is an indicator that there is more you need to work on than just dietary changes. Start your journey to health in your mind. Don't neglect that aspect of healing, cause it is the most important. Otherwise you'll lose weight and you'll look in the mirror and you'll never be happy. Happiness and self love start from within. I still have a long way to go on both my journeys but I can tell you, it gets easier and you CAN do it.

(This picture was taken a few weeks ago)

If you are like me if you have been struggling with your weight for a good chunk of your life. If you want to find something that finally works well, I'm sorry I don't have those answers. If you think taking a similar path to what I did will work for you then by all means please do so! But here is what you need to do, you need to look inside yourself and figure out if you want to lose weight for YOU or for others, because if you want to lose weight for anyone other than yourself you will fail. This is a lifestyle choice for YOU. If you feel the need to lose weight to please someone else, I would recommended turning your efforts inward first and figuring out why you are willing to take such drastic measures to please someone else if it's something you don't really want. If you want to lose weight for you, you need to do your research. Not every change works for everyone. That's why I'm not sitting here being a walking advertisement for being gluten-free, dairy-free or doing DDPYoga. That might not work for you. You need to do your OWN research. What makes sense to you? What is something you can stick with for the rest of your life. It can not be a diet, it needs to be a real change that you will keep up with forever. Find an exercise program that you enjoy and fuel your body with the food that makes sense to you. Whatever makes your body feel energized and gives you stamina to last through the day. Food that makes you feel good eating it and helps your body run well for what you need it to do. If you mess up, if you slip up, if you fall off the horse, don't wait. Get back on immediately. Don't think the day or the week or the month is ruined. NOTHING is ever set in stone. Get back on track and don't dwell. We all have our moments. Don't let them defeat you. Always try and stay positive. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you and never give up. If you want something bad enough you CAN do it. I never, ever thought I would be here, writing a blog about my fitness experience but I am. And I hope that maybe hearing my story might help someone with their own journey be it with their physical health or mental health.

(Most recent full body pic I have. 95lbs down and still going!)

(Hell...I even started jamming more ;-P)

Thank you for reading. I look forward to seeing your responses and please if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!!