The Grass Between the Glass

What are you waiting for? Take a bite of my heart tonight...

2010-07-28T16:35:00.005-05:00

Alright, so mofuggin update.
Life has a funny way of turning itself around eh? The woman I loved for 4 years of my life, turned out to be a whore. Surprise huh? Not really, the surprise was finding out one of my oldest friends is now dating her. *Facepalm*

Sooooo yeah there's that. Another surprise being that, I've been able to get over all of this fairly quickly, maybe because it happened 3 times prior or maybe because the soul knows when the body is dating a whore. Either way, I don't care much. I don't really care. I'm happy because I HAVE moved on and that's the best thing about it. I suppose this residing anger inside of me is just because I don't think she deserves anything but I suppose that may change over time.
I'm happy because someone has been here for me, someone is still here for me. She's been the best helping hand anyone could ask for and I love her with all my heart, but she's not alone, but she is amazing. Her name is Lauren and I'm extremely lucky to have her.
I have some of the greatest friends as well. I have more helping hands that anyone could ask for.
I want to thank my friend Maggie for keeping me positive and reminding me what I have to live for and why I need to keep fighting the darkness inside myself and just keep pushing forward.
I wish I could do something spectacular for all of them to thank them for what they've done for me.
It's so hard to be positive when you don't have a job and you've been kicked a million times. I'm working on it and I'm feeling better. Looking back I'm noticing a lot of my posts were extremely negative and I don't know who or what's to blame for that. Whether it be the whore or if it be the way I used to see myself.
I've been in the mindset since I was a kid that I'm not good enough, but that's changing and it's a long and difficult road. I've never thought of myself as one to amount to anything basically because of the way my life has played out or because of the things that the people who mattered always told me. I'm actually for the first time in my life finding things about me that I don't hate. I've lived my life up until this point hating myself and never knowing why. But thanks to some help I'm working on finding out what it is about myself that someone should find worth loving and that's the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever attempted.
I suppose that's all for now and I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes...

2010-01-13T02:27:00.002-06:00

So normally I would come and say something excruciatingly corny, like, "Hey journal long time no talk!" or something absurdly ridiculous to that effect. Since February of last year, a.k.a. the last time I wrote in this, important events had presented themselves. One being there was a lot going on with Melissa that I shan't not ever specify in an online blog, lets just say it shares some similarities to a recent horror film. Needless to say we're back together and all is well in the kingdom of Narnia, don't know why, but I fucking hate those books.

I'm finding it unbearably hard to sleep. Not to mention I'm extremely lost and confused, this time with finding a job and attempting to not miss her as we venture into our "first" semester without each other within 35 miles or so.

Yes, I'm insomniablogging, but this time, ON GOOGLE CHROME...yeah...not as exciting as i thought it would be either.

I welcomed 2010 with semi open arms and was met with mediocrity and some shreds of disappointment. I'm still looking forward to the rest of this year because I'm expecting to move out of this god-forsaken house and find a place to live in with Melissa...hopefully.

So amen to things being better and huzzah for a new year, I hope to anyone reading this that your New Year has started off prosperous and continues to be so and/or improves if necessary.

Until next time, adieu.

If only I could prevent myself from being stupid...

2009-03-03T03:48:00.002-06:00

Guess what world, it's finally hit me.
I'm a wonderful idiot.

Yep, I'm an idiot.
The biggest one you've seen and I think it's about time I get my god damned parade.
What's that you say?
No parades on Tuesdays?
Fuck you.

I'm such a fucking idiot, it isn't even funny.
Letting myself think I was worth it and that I would and could do something and change minds and be worth time and that there was a point to moving on, like being a speck wasn't good enough, I had to remind myself how much things sucked before times 100.
Now I have this movie in my head playing in theaters 24/7.
I hate this movie now. I'll sell the rights.

Finished Watchmen, yeah I'm a fucking bandwagon whore. It was good and it was the one good thing I've done since ever...i think.

I can't believe I got myself tricked again. I thought that everything would be different two years later. This shit happened my Freshman year the only difference is that I'm not failing out of school...yet.

Now it's back to square root of -1.
This drawing board sucks, it's got stuff engraved on it and it isn't smooth anymore.
People wrote a lot of stuff on here, mostly, Bill sucks, stop using the drawing board and "quit being a dumbass."

I hate to love beating myself up.

But it needs to be done.
If anyone says I'm emo, i'll punch you and see how emo I am when I'm kickin your ass.

Three Cheers for your favorite failure.
The Lovable Loser.
Me.

Well it caught up and honestly the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold...

2009-02-22T05:13:00.011-06:00

Two words resound in my head:
Holy fuck...
Some more words resound as well:
What the fuck?
What do I do?
I don't know anymore (this one is popular here)

If I could only express the way I'm feeling about a lot of things right now and how being drunk earlier affected the way I'm thinking right now. No, not in a bad way, just that it's interesting that seemingly strange things happen to me when drunk or intoxicated.

My stomach has been spasming all day and it doesn't feel so good.

I don't know what the fuck I'm even THINKING about right now, that's how ridiculous this is and fuck Eloise Hawking.
"Stop thinking about how ridiculous it is and start asking yourself whether or not you believe it will work."
Stupid jerk...

I find it funny that I have found a way to relate the way I'm feeling lately to something from Lost, I suppose only because it's seemingly the only thing that makes any fucking sense right now, retarded I know right?

If it's meant to be, it will be, and I have two more words for the Powers that Be:
FUCK DESTINY!
and two more:
FUCK FATE!

Because I sincerely believe every time I get close to knowing what in fuck's name is going on, I get the hit-by-pitch-curveball.

Status Report:
Mentally- ?? Where are we captain? I'm stupider than mud fucked by inbreeds.
Emotionally - This rollercoaster sucks, it's like Vertical Velocity
Physically - Don't even ask...cause if there was a word for this people wouldn't know how to pronounce it. Like no one knows the correct spelling or pronunciation of Cthulu, it's a lot like that in my stomach and physical being right now....fuck.

It's depressing that there's no easy way of figuring out how I should feel about this situation.
1.) Move on and find someone else
2.) Move on and whore myself out (not the likely choice)
3.) Don't move on and give this time.
4.) Don't move on and confuse myself more thoroughly
5.) Wake up to realize none of this resembles a dream at all, pick one of the above.
6.) Sleep it off and perform one of the above.
7.) Take more time for me, and do all of the above.
8.) Fuck the above and choose option X. No one ever chooses option X. Something about monsters and security and chemicals and shit. They just didn't get the memo, slackers.

Pardon my use of profanity or don't, not like I care. I'm at a point where it seems like everything has become much harder than it absoultely needs to be. All I know for sure right now is this:

I have a pulse.
I'm breathing
I have contact to the outside world
My car is not here
I wan't a dog.
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to move on.
I feel like I feel when I'm about to take a final I didn't study for. I have the chills and I'm pretty sure I should sleep.
I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I'm SO FUCKING LOST! (not about Lost, surprisingly)
"He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us."
Is doing a mental disk check, look it up if you don't know what it means.

Where to from here? Who knows? All I know is where I'm going I don't need roads and I need to figure my shit out. I wish some sweet ass galactic adventure like Claudio Kilgannon and then I can blow up planets and shit then come back and realize "hurr durr, nothings left."
Either way, I'm insomniablogging again and I love it...I really need to get my shit straight and in a relatively timely manner, preferably.
I need to talk to some people...scratch that a lot of people and maybe I'll have some idea of what to do, right now however I'm still kind of a mess.

In Jack Shephard faces (also known as Jackface), this is how I feel right now, in no particular order:

There are some things not stated here and I will be able to understand them better in due time. So many things...

"But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..."

No I'm not the man I used to be lately. See you met me at an interesting time...

2009-02-19T02:35:00.003-06:00

So this whole restructuring is going to be difficult.
I'm tempted to write her a handwritten letter like I used to. Fill it with bits and pieces of the way things used to be.
Someone told me I would make a great writer today,
Someone complemented me on my singing again, someone random.
I love me right now.
That's a first step
Even though she isn't here, I know what I have to do.
I am in a perpetual good mood for the first time, even though I know the consequences.
I know there's a chance that she may not come back, but I have this ability to know that something isn't over, I have this image in my head and I'm not going to say it here, so I don't jinx myself.

I know already what I need to work on, but I want to write her a letter promising her that I'm always hers, but I don't think it's appropriate right now and maybe in a few weeks I will.
The hardest part is that I'm fighting my instinct.
I remember all of the things I used to do that made her happy.

I think she is unhappy because I'm unhappy. I think that we were unhappy because of the fact that I was never happy even when she was around.

I want to apologize to her and hold her, but right now, I can't.
Maybe sometime soon, just not now.
Time is just as much of a bitch as Destiny and they love to laugh at us dumb humans.

I'm going to write the letter.
I've decided...
I just need to wait before I give it to her.
I know what I need to do.
I can't do anything else for her but maybe if she sees that...I don't know
I can't afford to be negative right now at all.
I need to be positive.
It's hard to be positive and not get your hopes up.

I know she's hurting and I can see it. I suppose just seeing it in her eyes right now just helps me knowing that there is more to this than I know. (Insert cheesy Transformers reference)

I know that she shouldn't be my main concern right now.
It's going to take time for me to put her aside and focus on me. I know that I need to work on things with my parents. I know that I need them to just understand the way I work and the way that I feel about things. I suppose it's true that I get so aggravated with them. Maybe I need to forgive them. The problem with this is that I've done that before and maybe this isn't the best way.

She said I treat people like shit. I don't know who per se, but I know that I need to be a better person to make myself a happier person, so I can show that outwardly.

She isn't herself right now and like I said it kills me to see her like this because I know it hurts her.

Update 3:54 p.m. 02/19/09:
I wrote that letter and I feel better.
She doesn't and there's nothing I can do about it.
There are too many things in my head right now, I wish that things were just easy. I just wish we were still together and this didn't need to happen.
She was supposed to meet me at 1:00 in the coffee shop and she bailed on me...she said she needs time. I just hope once all this is over...I have some semblance of love.

And I can't change this I can never take it back. But now I can't change your mind. You left me...

2009-02-18T04:26:00.002-06:00

I hate the hills and valleys I'm going through right now, I feel better then it gets quiet and all I see is her face. I just see her smiling and it all makes no sense. This is the only way I can feel better...even if it's just for a minute. I have to write all this.

I've never had a break up where the person never spoke to me again. I can't believe this is happening.

We always prided ourselves on being able to talk about our relationship. This weekend was alright, except for Friday and she claims that this was the weekend she decided. I want so badly to believe that there's more to this that it can't just be this way that no matter what, I can't do anything.

We always talked. About anything. Important things. Stupid things. Poop and farts. What we ate. If we could be anything what would it be.

I had to do it, I didn't want to, but I was driving myself into a hole. I had to delete all of our pictures. I used those pictures to make a book of us and I gave it to her for Christmas and that she could finish it and add things as she pleased.
I bought her a bag for $25 on Christmas.
I bought her a $200 necklace.
I bought her Valentine's Dinner and I told her Friday how much I loved her and how I could never be with anyone else.

I'll die if I never see her face again.
I'll die if I see her with someone else.
In my head I see her in bed with another guy and I just see her almost as if she knows I'm there tied in a corner forced to watch and she just smiles. This smug grin of satisfaction of rubbing it all in my face that no matter what she is winning whatever this war is.

I'm fucking Switzerland. I haven't made any attack and I don't plan on it, but she is just so fine. So ok with what's happening. I'm such a wreck. My heart is still fucked up and I'm crying more then ever. It's one step forward, and whats behind me but a set of stairs just happen to keep falling down like some infinite "Stairs Behind You" Factory.

As much as I love Lost I don't even think that will make me feel better.
Is it such a crime to know that she's feeling something and that this isn't all my fault?
I just need to be with someone 24/7 right now.
I really want her to come walking through my door and tell me that everything will be ok and that we'll be together again, just not right now.
I know that will never happen and me having hopes of it makes it worse.
I need her so badly.
She doesn't want or need me, but I want her to need me.
I want her to come back and tell me.
I want to scream.
I want to move away.
I want to stay awake and keep writing.
I want to punch things
I want to love someone
I want to love her.
I want to be ok right now
I want her to read these.
I want to cry again.
I don't want to cry for her anymore.
I want to move on.
I want to erase her memory so that I can pretend I was never fully happy so that when I find someone else it will be amazing and that there isn't a standard.
I want her to know that I can't stop loving her yet.
I want to hold her in my arms.
I want to know what I did.
I need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to anyone.
I wish it wasn't so quiet.
I wish i could cry constantly so that I could be sick of it and never cry again at one point.
I want to know if she's sleeping ok.
I want to be the one that makes her happy.
I want to know why she isn't happy.
I want love.
I need affection.
I need someone.
I want anyone.
I want this to be a dream so I can wake up and hold her and see her smile and see her lips tell me it was all a dream and that she'll never leave me,
I don't want to feel like this.
I need her smile.

When I look at the man who would be king, the man who would be king...

2009-02-17T19:19:00.003-06:00

I always thought I would be the man who would be king someday...
I was wrong...
I'm lower right now than I ever have been before and I still desperately need someone.
I feel like everything is a lie right now.

I just don't understand how she can be so ok right now.
I feel like someone put her up to this, because it just doesn't make any sense and I can't carry on like this. I need somebody...so bad.
I dreamt about her and I thought that it was all a dream, but I woke up and realized that it wasn't and she seems so fine. I screamed and cried and fell back to sleep and skipped class for the day, but I know I can't do it forever. I really need to get out of this place and all of it's damn memories that it carries. Nothing is bothering her.

How can you leave someone you were going to get married to and just be so happy. It's almost as if she's rubbing something in my face. Like she's trying to make me feel like shit and she's going to be happy while doing it. I feel like I just fell into a glass and salt factory only to stumble out in pain and walk into a gunpowder factory and it just so happens some guy hates his job and lit the place up.

I can't even express how much it hurts to think about all of the memories playing through my head. If she would just talk to me, I'd feel better.

She's angry at me for something and I don't know what I did. We were fine over the weekend but she said she decided it over the weekend. How can I make someone happy who isn't happy and won't tell me. What am I supposed to do?

I have no direction right now. I finally ate about 10 minutes ago and I feel better. Not much, but food helps everything. I've been at work and I'm trapped and there's nowhere I can go. I want to disappear so badly right now...I wish I didn't exist and honestly me typing this all up helps a bit.

I need to talk to her
There has to be something I can do or she has to say something to make this better...

Destiny,John, is a fickle bitch and on a separate note, Doc there's a hole where something was...

2009-02-17T02:52:00.007-06:00

I hate this.
I hate being so close.
I was so close.
I thought I had everything figured out. I really did. For once in my life things were slightly on the right track. I thought I knew what my life was going to be and I knew where my life was going and like a car going 90 headfirst into 7 brick walls, destiny comes to laugh in my face. I thought my fate was set and that my path was going in this direction, I suppose Destiny can change her god damned mind whenever she fucking well pleases. As hard as I try and I tell myself that she didn't leave because of another guy, something tells me there's more to the story...there just has to be.

I am now single. After 2 years and 2 months I am/was a wreck. I'm "licking my wounds" as my roommate says. I haven't been in this much pain in a long time. A younger me wouldn't have made it this long. I sat alone for 2 hours in an open, white, apartment. The only sound was of my refrigerator and the furnace in the basement. I'm still not sure what to do right now with anything. It's amazing how fast everything changes and while everyone says it, it's amazing to see glory die in an instant like a gunshot to the head of happiness. Everything has kinda gone black. The end of a concert when the house lights go out...

I've even been breathing different today. It's keeping me from throwing up and spending the rest of my time in a bathroom huddled in a corner. I can't really do anything. I told myself I would never get like this. I haven't eaten yet. It's been over 24 hours since I ate an actual meal. Last thing I had to eat was some Reese's Pieces at 9:30. It's now 3:02 a.m.

I hate blogging about tradgedy, but this is different. I'm not mad. I thought I would be, but I suppose the lack of explanation and the simple "I'm not happy anymore" was the thing that sealed the deal. Then there's always the attempt to talk...and being denied horribly. What's even worse is that we live in the same apartment building and she lives in the apartment next door to me...this is going to be a challenge.

I know that everything that I am saying and everything I am going to say has been said and has been felt before by someone so don't expect too many original quotes out of this. I just need to put this out in words in a way that brings me some semblance of closure because as it seems this may be my only chance.

One of the biggest things that I am wrestling with is that overwhelming feeling that normally wouldn't bother you when you're with that person...but no matter what you do once it's all over is that you can't shake that feeling of no matter what you do their memories haunt you. I can't really listen to some of my favorite music because I don't really want to remember what I was listening to on the drive home from our first date or what may have been playing on one of our iPods in an elvator while kissing. I'm at that stage where I can't even look at her smiling face because I know that she will be so much happier without me. The big problem is that subconsciously I want her to be happy but since she was so cold I want to see her sad, just some emotion. She's been consumed by her corporeal and material things as a way to not hurt. For her to just be this mad doesn't make sense, but I'm giving her time and not talking to her, if you knew me, you'd know how hard this is. Especially waiting over 8 hours to even attempt to talk about what may or may not have just happened. To have someone walk into your office, tell you they're leaving you, and just leave...it's like when Sarah left Jack on Lost minus all the extramarital affairs. I feel so disconnected from everything and I know all of this is normal.

In some ways I'm at a complete loss as to how to carry on because she was 2nd nature in my life and it's a lot like Stuck on You after they get separated. They can't function individually but I'm the only one with the problem. I need sleep badly because it's been a really long day and to be frank (No thanks, I'll be Bill), I feel as though I've been sucked dry of everything good in my life and now I have to restructure everything.

I'm hurt, bad, and it's all downhill from here kids.
Make sure to keep all arms and legs inside the moving vehicle at all times if you don't want a T-Rex to eviscerate your ass.
Trust me, I speak from experience.

I suppose it doesn't help that I really liked her family and that we made a really cute couple. I think I'm just going to let go, of everything. I feel like a zombie without a brain right now and alls I know is I'm fucking hungry...literally and figuratively.
Take that how you will.
My heart is even beating differently. It's like it's skipping a beat because it's missing its counterpart.

I need something good in my life right now. I need love. I can't get that from my parents and there aren't a whole lot of people willing to give it up.

John:"I never wanted this."
Ben: "Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch."

I Just Kinda Died for You, You Just Kinda Stared At Me

2009-02-12T17:26:00.007-06:00

I'm feeling excruciatingly nostalgic right now in this fit of insomnia.
I've haven't been able to go to sleep before 5 since November and yes I know that if I sleep then I'm really not an insomniac, but it's that condition of not being able to or your body telling you that you aren't ready to sleep yet so just deal with it. Imagine remembering everything in your life, everyday and not being able to stop thinking about everything you've ever done. It's a helluva lot like that for me.

This week has been on the straight road to sucking hard and there has been no redeeming quality about it except traveling with my roommates to Mukwonago for some stuff to attempt to repair an old beat up Xbox.

I have so many inspirational thoughts floating around in my head right now and I don't think I can stop listening to Aurora. It strikes a chord as most songs do when I hear one and I get addicted. In an interview with Dave Grohl, he said Aurora reminded him of everything home was to him. It reminded him of where he grew up and at the end of the interview stated that it is by far his favorite song the Foo Fighters have ever performed/written, he also stated that this song meaning wise was the deepest and heaviest song he has ever written.

I'm at that point in my life right now where I'm so afraid to move forward because I have an amazing thing going and it's safe here and I'm remembering all the places I've lived and been and all of the things that I've done in my past and the fact that I've done so much and at the same time done so little is terrifying.

Some part of me should shoot myself because of what I'm about to say because I never thought that the Foo Fighters and John Mayer would ever land on the same page but I think that where I'm at now in life is what John Mayer in his song "Why Georgia." I'm afraid to move forward and do what I have to in order to grow and develop because I know it means two things:

1.) I can never go back to this. I can never come back to this, like the island, I can never come back. Once I leave this place will become death to me. College is second nature now and I don't know how else to function otherwise and I think that is the curse college students face, that once they have invested so much time here that they don't know how to function in any other setting.

2.) I will no longer be in a safe zone and all bets are off once I'm done. It's a scary thought knowing you can't go back and I know how and why someone would never want let go of a great thing especially if it meant safety and reassurance.

I think that's why I have invested so deeply in friendships, because that way I make excuses for myself and reasons why I shouldn't let go and why I can't let go. In reality I think that I've made my life that much more difficult because of it. Now it's going to hurt so much when I have to call it and finish this chapter in my life. One upside to this is that I can inform other people not to make the same mistakes and make friendships permanent. I'm not saying don't make lasting friends but if it isn't worth it to be friends with someone then don't bother and even if they seem like they may not be worth it, don't bother. I'm learning this now and it's tearing me up inside.
I've made sacrifices, God have I made sacrifices in my life. The worst part is when someone tells you that only think about yourself and that you don't care about anyone else when that is the farthest thing from the truth.

I digress...

I think that this may become a standard thing.
Insomniablogging?
Yeah, insomniablogging.
Blog as I struggle to stay awake because some part of me believes there is something worth staying up for.

I'm going home this weekend for my Dad's birthday, my mom hasn't told him she's taking him to Vegas. She's going to tell him the morning of their flight at 3:30 a.m. Anyone else see a potential problem here? My father is a heavy sleeper who doesn't function in the morning without coffee and cigarettes. My mom doesn't know this though. I smell a sitcom! Not really. If I were him, I'd be so fucking pissed...just because I had to wake up thinking I was getting ready for work and this is also a bad idea because both of my parents are going to be cranky as shit. There are so many things that are going to go wrong.

We shall see, but until then I'll see you tomorrow hopefully.

A Lot More Than 25 Things Everyone Doesn’t, but Should Know About Me.

2009-02-08T04:47:00.003-06:00

I think about the events of my past far too often and more times than not I let it get in the way of present decisions, if not a major problem, then I usually find myself caught in moments of days long gone.
If I don't think something is worth doing I will usually attempt it anyways and after realizing I was right all along to think that it wasn't worth it, I give up and sometimes beat myself up over wasting time.
I love to watch and observe people and when and if I'm found out I usually don't stop doing what I'm doing and act as natural as possible. As creepy as that sounds, people work in strange manners especially when they think no one is looking and I take note of that. It's amazing what body language can show you and how sad or happy someone can sit, yes, sit.
I truly and sincerely believe that teachers hate class participation solely because they want to get the lesson out without a hitch and don't feel like hearing from students who think they know what they're talking about.
I love the smell of old books, pencils, some lotions (the real fruity ones), new car smell, my car, blacktop in the summer, gasoline, and wet pavement in the spring.
I think some people believe I'm a "poser" when they see me doing something that has recently become popular when that isn't the case for me or anyone else. It sucks even more when I've known about it much longer than they've even been alive. It even disgusts me that I have to have that conversation with someone and that I have to validate myself to someone I don't even know. For example, I have an infamous tattoo on my wrist and people love to tell me that I only like Coheed and Cambria because of Rock Band, I have had this conversation before and it got to the point where I almost broke the arrogant punk's neck. One of the many reasons I don't want to go back to the gas station this summer. This point was not solely about Coheed and Cambria.
I carry a pen with me at all times. One reason is for class and second because you never know when you or someone around you will need a pen. It's like the towel from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I love to steal pens too and if I were from Texas, my gun would be a pen.
I have a novel in progress but it will be a very long time before that "masterpiece" hits shelves. This is assuming I even want to publish after the major overhaul it's going to go through. 70 handwritten pages in a binder that very few people have seen and there is a drawing in the front pocket of the binder that still means something to me.
I should write more, but writing for class has made me lose any passion I had and I now see writing as a chore, but that is changing and more times than not I make excuses as to why I'm not going to write.
Due to lessons I learned as a kid and other life lessons, I make an effort to not do stupid things I did as a kid and got scolded for. Mind you I got scolded for everything and so it in some respects ruined my standards and boundaries. I brush my teeth sometimes to tell myself "my teeth aren't green" because my mom told me they were as a kid and also I've tried to be a less picky eater cause my parents would get mad if I was too picky.
I want things to matter so badly that when nothing else matters, I make things matter just so I can spend my time caring about something…anything.
I have the hardest time deciding what I want to listen to when I listen to music. I want to listen to everything and can rarely ever just know what I sounds good to me.
I have the sexiest bedhead ever.
I love; I mean LOVE stereo/studio headphones.
I fucking hate earbuds.
I miss people I never talk to, like old classmates. I'm always surprised to see what they're doing and what they're up to. I never really had a lot of friends, just people I knew and knew about. This being the case it doesn't affect me much to see when some of them fuck up, solely because I know nothing about most of them. On the other hand, most of the kids I went to grade school with I knew pretty well and it's interesting to see how we've all grown up.
I get really excited, like bouncing off the walls can't sit still excited when a new [insert electronic form of entertainment i.e. CD, DVD, game] is released, the sad part being I'm usually the only one who cares and that always brings me down just a little bit. On a side note, I need a new External Hard Drive, mine is now fucking broke, didn't even last a year, and I will never buy Hitachi again.
I cannot go to bed early unless I have been running around in circles all day. It gets pretty unhealthy sometimes and I've had this problem since I was a kid. I blame it on my overactive head…I think too damn much.
I love the song "Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave cause it makes me think of the interesting things I have done in my past (some of which are in that song). I would love to do all the things in the song, especially wander the streets of Japan. It also makes me think of how happy I've been, how happy I will be, and how happy I've made other people.
I place certain trusts and beliefs in silly faiths and stupid things. Sometimes I pray, wish, hope, or whatever that I won't be told by someone that I am a fool. The downside to all of this is that if the things I put my faith in don't come through for me, I get really depressed. I know this one is kinda confusing…so move on.
My silent rage meter goes up when people, in all seriousness, insult me when I slip up while talking, spell something wrong, or whatever, solely because I'm a writing major. I'm not saying I can't take a joke, but when the issue gets pushed over and over and people get more and more serious, I'm likely to burst, luckily to this day it has only happened a few times.
To this day I dream about my real mother and when I was about 7 (before I knew I was adopted) I swear I could hear my mom whispering to me. That is the reason why, to this day, I wear headphones more than I should and as much as possible for two reasons. One to sometimes keep it at bay and two with big headphones I can keep her voice close to me. I know that sounds a bit crazy and someone out there is going to think "He hears voices in his head, what a fucking loon!" Not the case.
I can twirl most anything between my fingers, drum lessons have made me a compulsive tapper and twirler and if you give me a pair of drumsticks I would love it, smile, and possibly attempt to play again.
I love the feeling of socks in bed; it's such an amazing feeling that on thousands of occasions have put me to sleep.
I'm very compassionate and in some cases care too much. I hate the commercials for the ASPCA or stuff like that because I'm a sucker for animals, things with fur (not hairy people), and other adorable and cute things.
At one point in my life I seriously considered becoming a comedian and was inches away from doing it but there were a lot of things holding me back from doing it, including my lazy "who gives a fuck attitude." This is not the first time this has happened to me.
My body is a natural furnace and even when my skin is cold, my body gives off a shit ton of heat.
When I was a kid, my parents had bought me a Monopoly board game and when I got it I opened it up and everything, set it up and started moving the battleship around the board all by myself. As I was playing with it I was bringing the battleship around Free Parking and put a big scratch into the board. I cried for hours and to this day I still don't know why.
I hate Cheeto fingers.
I'm deathly afraid of needles, spiders, and bugs.
I used to leave Ferris Buehler on my VCR nonstop on weekends and would watch it while I played games on the computer. I still know the entire movie line for line by heart.
Don't ask me why, but I love having the Roman Numeral IV on my arm.
I've never been out of the country.
I hate bright lights in the morning.
I would love to lie in the grass more often but I'm allergic to grass and it itches like hell.
I wish I had a deeper voice.
I think the crudest and most crass humor is the funniest.
I can say one word, start thinking of a song and start singing it on the spot.
I love the phrase "the majesty of colors."
I'm a lot smarter than I act and a lot smarter than people perceive me to be. I know everyone says that people will think your less intelligent if you cuss, I don't think that's necessarily true.
I've never had a huge group of friends, always just one or two really close people I surrounded myself with.
Believe what you will about me, but I'm kind of a bad ass and while some things may not testify to this, I am. I have:

Fallen off of scaffolding, on my back, onto rocks.
Had a dog attack my ankle when I was a kid
Been smashed headfirst into a brick wall
Worked construction in shorts and a t-shirt when it was less than 20 degrees for more than 5 hours
Had my arm stuck in a boat lift motor
Punched so many inanimate things my hands shouldn't function
Fallen headfirst into a boiling hot bucket of water (yes most of you know that one)
Fixed an automatic window by punching it
Had a chunk of brick the size of both my fists fall on my head from 4 stories up.
Gotten into 3 car accidents, only one where I was driving. The one where I was driving I smashed my head into the steering wheel, window, and into the steering wheel again before passing out.
Taken a ball of ice to the face, thrown at me by a crazy woman and I didn't even flinch.
Hit and run by a car working at Jewel.
Fallen 10 feet to the ground, face first and didn't go unconscious.

While I am very outgoing there is only one thing that two people I know, know about and even they don't know everything about it.
I hate when directors make movies, sequels to movies, etc, that shouldn't have been made at all or made in order to solely make profit because the first one did well or because they think they're the greatest director of all time. Instead of making the movies decent they just make huge steaming piles of crap.
I never understood and will never understand why people get mad at other people for being mad at them, when the other people clearly had a reason to be mad.
I spend time looking up and researching things from music, movies, and games and this is why I know so much about nothing.
At 22 I still have absolutely no clue where my life is going or if my career dreams will come true.
I always come up with a bazillion scenarios of how situations will play out in order to be prepared and more times than not the one that I don't think of is what ends up happening, I suck.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have a lot of regrets and a lot of things I wish I could change but I think about them every day for some reason.
I hate being late, even if it's out of my control, opposite that, I hate it even more when other people are late, especially if it affects me.
I try not to break promises and when/if I do, I feel like shit. However, if I say I'm going to do something but didn't "promise," I hate when people try to hold it against me as a promise. I once told someone that I wouldn't make promises I couldn't keep and I've been pretty successful so far.
I love using the ellipsis a.k.a. dot, dot, dot. (…)
I have an extremely random thought process and will sometimes blurt out words that have seemingly no relevance to the conversation at hand, but to me it makes all the sense in the world.

Strange I know...

2009-02-05T03:06:00.001-06:00

As of late, it's been increasingly difficult to find time for myself to write and I've found myself in strange places and even stranger situations. I have a lot of things that I need to work on, both in writing and in blogging which in some cases have become one in the same, but it's far to ridiculous to comment and go further in depth.

In any case, look forward to regular updates on here if you care and check out my "partner" blog run by myself and some other people here on blogger:

wccxmusicreview.blogspot.com

Check it out if you DARE!

So cliche, I know, but look for updates on both pages, but it's 3:10 AM, so peace out for now.

Love Please Come and Haunt Me Always...I'd Let You Come and Take Me On

2008-09-24T02:06:00.001-05:00

    It's kind of amazing and awe inspiring, how quickly, things come back to normal after being so chaotic, hell-blazen, and just downright dark for such a long time. It's not hard to go back to the way things used to be, but the hard thing is for those things to feel right. We become so used to the terrible way that things are and when we fix them we don't know what to do next. Everyone is so afraid to change the way things have become because we're so afraid of what comes next and we're afraid of hurting the people we really love and the people we never mean to hurt. The sad thing is that these people hurt us in the end. Sometimes we have to hurt people we love and simply move on in order to sustain a happy medium, but what's good for many is hardly ever good for one. We do it because we realize that we made a mistake, or that we are better off, but hardly do we ever realize that we're hurting other people all along, but more times than not we don't care because we don't see it.
    It's hard to be that person, the one on the outside, trying to sustain what makes you happy, but reaction is key, and when that person on the outside feels backed into a corner and everything they know is about to change and it's only natural. The biggest problem is how these people handle it. I have been this person before, it isn't fun, it isn't cool, and it isn't easy. It's strange, however, to see how people are affected by such petty things and it hurts to see how much people hurt from hearing the things that they need to hear. When backed into a corner, one thing I've noticed is that people lash out immediately. Most recently is how surprised I am at the actions of one against another and the harsh and cruel things said. Sadly, the worst part is how childish people can be, how immature, and how relentless they are to grasp on to the last bits of what they have. Even worse, is when others encourage them and assure them that what they believe is right and ok. It's tough to imagine that these people will never be told they're wrong and will always be protected by stupid beliefs and "customs."
    The only people that can help these people is themselves and once more they will not and will never change in a endless match of Catch-22.
    Why do we wish so badly to change the world? I find it sad that we can make everything better because we're making others happy, but we don't look at the bigger picture. We see everything in the contexts of what we believe and the confines of our worlds and nothing else. Why do we think we can change everything? What makes us special, giving us the ability to tell others how to make everything better? The true fact of the matter that has nowadays become cliché is that we have to "fix ourselves, before fixing others." As true as this statement is, no one I know lives by this. People say you have to "learn how to forgive yourself." Once again, no one I know knows how to do this and it becomes harder and harder to see the truth beyond what we already hold so damn dear in our hearts. It's scary to know that no one can fix themselves and that there are so few instances when we actually can and more times than not, it's too late.

She says live up to your first impression, Well my best side is your worst invention.

2008-04-22T01:20:00.003-05:00

It's getting to that point in the year, where I come to the realizations of what my summer will and will not be. I cannot believe this year has gone by as fast as it has and honestly in many ways didn't think I would make it this far. This year has, just like any other year, had it's fair share of drama, but as I told my fiancé it's a different kind of drama. My main reason that it was different because I wasn't single. I remember that there were so many March, April, and May nights filled with a younger me's passions, fantasies that came true, and lots of other things. Mainly, I had a very carefree attitude as I had very little to live for at school. I hardly had any friends here, I didn't have a girlfriend, and I didn't have anything to care about in my mind. And in many ways I have come around in realizing now that I have a home here, that it will be very hard to leave.
I had a conversation with my father today which solidified my fear of losing my "home" if you will. I was happy that I would be able to be here for another year in addition to my senior year, only to find out today that, that may not be the case as my father brought up the point that if I only have to take maybe 2 more credits that I wouldn't need to stay on campus and that I could commute. The only way around this is that if I only have 2 credits, I could take my breeze class and be forced to stay here or it will be considered not doing my job. That's about the only loophole not working in my favor.
I truly hate thinking about the summer because not only does it entail a slew of horrifying memories of past mistakes, but it leads me to believe that I will be miserable. As an update, I found out recently that if I do get hired at 95.1 WILL Rock, that it won't be for a few months, something they forgot to mention when I submitted my resumé. So now my summer solely rests on the shoulders of the Bonneville Corporation, a large company from Chicago that runs a few of the radio stations in the city. Two of which I would be more than happy to work for. If I don't get a job at any of those radio stations, it looks like I go back to the job market and start from scratch of scratch and make the drawing board my new best friend if you catch my drift.
As of late there has been a lot of dumb drama, and by dumb drama, I mean the kind of drama meant to purposely cause more attention and draw attention to itself. Most of us have done well enough to ignore the hell out of it and pretend it isn't there.
It's the home stretch here and with everything winding down it seems like the window for opportunities to get things done as usual is closing and as usual, I am procrastinator numero uno. I have yet to actually get something done ahead of time, but this semester will be testament to my abilities.

Well we've got to gettin better said it's all in your head, we could live through these letters or forget it all together...

2008-04-14T23:05:00.003-05:00

So I basically hate the job market. I want to know how many applications people get at any given time and how long it takes them to actually get processed and finally reviewed by someone. I have now applied for multiple jobs, mostly at radio stations, including:
-102.1 Independent Alternative (Milwaukee, Wisconsin)
-101.9 The Mix (Chicago, Illinois)
-97.1 WDRV The Drive (Chicago, Illinois)
-95.1 WILL Rock (Kenosha,WI)
The sad thing is that I haven't heard anything yet except for 102.1 where I got the sad news that they only have internships available. So I'm desperately waiting to hear some good news, and the even sadder thing is that now I've been checking my email three times as much as I usually do. Dear God almighty thats bad. I continuously expect there to be an email with a radio station's name and shit and I just want to be overjoyed with the relief in knowing that there won't be anymore construction for me. I just want that security in relief in knowing that everything will work itself out in the fact that I won't have to do back breaking work that will more than likely tax me mentally more so than physically and honestly I think I would lose it this time if I worked with him and that would be bad.
So I think for now that's all I have to say bout that except I actually asked that someone pray for me to find a job, and that's pretty much a first. I don't think I ever really expected to ask anyone to pray for me. So think about that for a minute.

Tell Me That You're Alright, Yeah everything is alright...

2008-04-07T21:52:00.004-05:00

So I feel like a little whiny shit, in the fact that I feel like I only write blogs when I'm under some intense pressure and I feel like I have more to "blog" about than just my problems, but for right now, it seems as though problems will suffice as a writable topic if you will.
In any event, I am sad to say that this Monday, April 7th in the year of our Lord 2008, will not be going down as one of my "Top 10 Days of All Time." For the past few months I have had my eye on a potential job in Milwaukee, which is not conveniently located to say the least. It would be a drive, but God Almighty would it be amazing. Needless to say I find out this morning they don't have paid positions "available," stretch that an you begin to wonder if they mean in general or only available to people have worked internships and have proved their worth. Of course, in many ways this crushed me and the job search started up again and with that I felt the pangs of insanity setting in again. I don't mean that literally dear reader...who am I kidding no one reads this malarchy.
Sequence of today's events:
1st) Job declined
2nd) Cannot for the life of me write a cover letter.
3rd) Was unable to get my radio station duties done in a timely manner
4th) Found myself in a fight with a girl, the end result while unpleasant fucked over more people than simply myself.
5th) look ^^^^...lost the radio station's archivist.
6th) While faxing my application to the Bonneville Radio Alliance, found that two pages had become stuck together when I tried to reinsert the signature page and found that I did not send all of the pages.
7th) Did not get to talk to the most amazing record promoter that everyone thinks I'm gay for when in fact just enjoy shooting the shit and I was actually close to crying when I realized that i wouldn't be able to salvage my Monday because of this, not to mention what time it was, the day was already half over.
8th) I feel like everyone is staring at me like I am the worst person in the world.
9th) Registration for classes is like a ninja, kills you and you never saw it coming, *sigh* what I wouldn't do to hire someone to do this kinda shit for me, but alas, such is life.
That's about it for that, and I'm sure theres more to it than this, but Lord knows that if I keep on like this someone is going to email me or comment and tell me to get help or quit bitching, but all I know is that tomorrow should be better and if it's not, I shall name this week, BAH week., for Become An Hero week. But to those of you who do read this, don't worry, I'll be fine. I honestly never saw myself having these sort of concerns in college. I never honestly thought drama would be an issue and I had always hoped it would keep itself at bay, because I hate it. So in addition to my irrational fears, over-stressfulness, and other events I find that tend to be out of my control.
I'm trying so hard to just be ok. All I want is everything to work out. That's all I've ever wanted.

Fuck.

You wont believe me, I would if you told me so.

2008-02-18T07:44:00.006-06:00

I recently realized that I am deeply afraid of everything and that I am deeply paranoid. Why this is, I couldn't honestly tell you, sometimes I'd like to think that it's some form of karma whooping my ass so hard I won't feel it until I'm in hell and it comes at me in the form of a pitchfork beelining for my face. So yeah, I'm pretty much boned for life if I keep with the way I'm going.
I hate constantly fearing walking into a grocery store and fearing that someone had a bad day and that they decided to take it out on the same grocery store I'm in at that exact same moment and most times I do what I can to get in and out because of reasons like that one.
I was recently driving home from a trip to Best Buy and that was when I first realized how much I am afraid of the things around me that I cannot control, for example, I was driving home from this particular trip, and I found myself at a stoplight and I was compelled to look over to the lane to the right of me where I noticed a man who looked quite disgruntled in his Chevy work van and i was instantly hit with a wave of terror, and the problem was there was almost nothing "legal" I could do about it. In so many ways I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown for absolutely no reason and it's things like that, that don't allow me to sleep at night, sometimes I fear that someone is going to break into my room at night, put a gun to my head, and give me the sweet end I desperately do not wish for.
I think that this is, in the words of John Mayer, a quarter life crisis, and that I am trying to find a way to get over these innate and ridiculous fears that I have. I think that I was born with all of these fears and that I am constantly afraid that someone somewhere is plotting to fuck me over and try and hurt me. These things lead me to believe and realize how ridiculous my fears are, but at the same time I believe that these same fears have kept me alive for as long as they have. I feel that these fears are completely crazy while all the while 100% legitimate and it drives me nuts, because while I know that I can't survive without them and I cannot live sanely with them, so what do I do? Where do I draw the line?
I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after being absolutely terrified by a nightmare that is going to affect me for the rest of the day. I've been told by so many people to see a therapist, but I honestly fear that they will tell me I have some sort of terrible mental disorder and that I need to take medication for whatever problem it is and honestly I hate taking medication, not only is it too much hassle, it's enough to fuck with my head, and I hate medication. I cannot stress that enough.
Day by day, I find ways to recuperate and I get myself out of the rut I'm in. I think one of the main things I need to remember is that most of what I think is just irrational and that it's simply just the thoughts that make me human. If it weren't for these thoughts though, I think I would be much, much better off.

And after all, it's what the fightings' all about.

2008-02-11T22:15:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been wondering as to why people are the way they are and I've come to the conclusion that no one in this world has a frigging clue as to what they are doing. I wish there was a hint button at any given midway in life. I wish you could look at someone you know and just say: "Dude, I fucked up, hit the button, I don't know what to do." But one of my many mantras that I live by is as follows, nothing in life is ever easy.
I recently gave up the facade that I don't believe in God. I never thought it would be some melodramatic event either, like a talk with my roommate, not to minimalize our amazing conversation or anything. I always expected my revelation that God was looking out for me to be something profound and present itself as a major event in my life. I was shocked to find out that the more I thought about it, the more and more I realized I was not as agnostic as I previously believed. Now this does not mean I'm going to get on my knees and profess my undying love for the Lord, not just yet kiddos. I think at this point I'm simply glad to have dropped a bit of a burden for now.
I'm tired of being useless. I'm sick of my inability to share insight or affect anyone elses' situation and when the time comes for me to help, I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream where everyone always says "it's like my legs are Jell-O" and all that crap. The only thing is it isn't my choice to act, it's the person/people I want to help, they don't want my help and it kills me knowing that I can only stand by and watch two people tear themselves apart because they're too damn proud to admit their flaws and refuse to ask anyone on the outside for help. I feel like I have no mouth sometimes, especially when I know that asking if everything is ok is only going to piss people off further. I give up in that respect and I can only hope that people will open up to me.
So I realized that after my conversation with my roommate that whoever coined the phrase "God works in mysterious ways" was a fucking genius, not only because of the fact that I had a bit of a revelation, but because not 12 hours later a group of students from a philosophy class stop into the library and asked us a whole bunch of questions about God and creation and such and it was kind of refreshing and a slight wake up call for me and I laughed a little bit before they left and felt like spilling the beans about my findings.
I guess I always wished I would be endowed with some amazing knowledge of how to help people when I got closer to figuring everything out.I guess that I was a little wrong. All I can do now and watch as everyone changes and gets over their losses and rebuilds. People enjoy settling and I think it scares some people, and after all, thats what the fightings' all about.

Updates!

2007-12-14T03:44:00.000-06:00

Expect them!
They will be coming shortly!

The New Mature

2007-07-31T16:48:00.000-05:00

I feel that no matter how old you are everyone has a certain childish way about them. Each person is different when it comes to being childish. There are multiple types of childishness. I think that it most commonly occurs among the transition generations, a.k.a. people in their 20s-30s.

First there is: Uber Child - now the uber child is typically the anime geek, the star wars geek, or the person who is obsessed to an unhealthy point about basically anything, could be World of Warcraft for example. This person usually feels that they are of a higher standing because of their immense knowledge in pointless topics such as: how many X-Wings could take out the Imperial fleet or if the Star Ship Enterprise could beat the Millennium Falcon in an intergalactic race. Honestly, I like Star Wars and know enough to understand the story line. I don't watch Star Trek. I digress. These people focus so much on something that isn't real that they have replaced 70% of their existence with their chosen vice. Another symptom that is typical of people in this category is that they spend money on things that most eight year olds would be glad to have gotten for Christmas but lack the capacity and the materials required to purchase said items.

2.: The Revert - your typical Revert is someone who seems very normal on the outside, and usually for the most part they are normal. The only thing that sets them apart is when they get into an argument, fight, hell even a debate of opinions they will revert to "NUH UH", or "because that's how it is", or the best one "that's not true, you made it up." I'm not saying that any of these are not valid arguments, but in the case of the Revert they use tactics like this in order to solely win arguments.

3.: The Spontaneous Cryer - Oh, such a classic example of a true actor/actress, the Spontaneous Cryer can practically cry on cue. They will begin pouring like a mid-autumn thunderstorm at the first sign of an argument they: A.) Know they will lose B.) know is going to incriminate them somehow C.) know will go on longer than they want. The Cryer knows that most times, most people will not see through the act. They use this and can manipulate most arguments solely based on the fact that they now have all of the attention focused totally on the fact that they are the victim.

4.: Grudger - A Grudger will fight, argue, and debate just like most people, but once all is said and done even after everything is resolved, a little bit of that person will hate you with every ounce of their being. They will secretly never forgive you for what you may or may not have said/did. Eventually they might, give them 10+ years. In fact they hold the grudge so hard, that they will never forget the incident and they will bring it up int future arguments or even conversations in order to make you feel like crap.

While there are more, I feel these have been sufficient for now and this post has been sitting on the back burner for a while now. So I give to you, this blog.

Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before. The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

2007-07-23T00:05:00.000-05:00

Being adopted is not something most people dream of being. Every now and then kids will sit in their rooms, pissed off at their parents, wishing they were adopted but then they realize how good their relationship is with their parents. Sure they get into squabbles often, but there is a connection so much deeper than anyone really knows.

Everyone knows someone who is adopted, whether directly or via someone else. I did a joint research paper freshman year of college on why adoption is favored over abortion and what the advantages and disadvantages of being adopted were. Statistics and facts are great and when it comes right down to it, you can't put statistics on feelings.

My parents and I fight on a daily basis like bad neighbors, like I am a tenant in a free apartment. Having a roof over your head, having meals, etc. are great and they are the nicest thing that someone can do for anyone, but there are two words for it: hospitality and obligation.

I believe that my parents honestly wish they had never adopted me, they have said so before, out of anger. But the only thing is those times are when we say what we truly feel. Before I left to come back to school my mother had made a comment saying that she was going to "Make me as miserable as I have made her." Mind you my mother is constantly telling me that I make her life a living hell, she says that I talk to my friends the same way I talk to her, this is not the truth. I tell her I only talk to her like this because she confronts me and starts making accusations and assumptions. There is only so much that a person can take, and I don't take it anymore. I stick up for myself, for my friends, and for what I believe in. That rarely ever goes well, my dad usually gets involved somehow and things get ugly. For some reason none of us can ever make it through a single day without fighting.

I told my mother before I left that she would call me three times within the first day of my moving back to school and that I wouldn't answer, she didn't believe me. I hadn't talked to them since Wednesday and went all the way until yesterday before I talked to them. They called me a total of 13 times over the course of that time span. I didn't want to talk to her about anything, because there was no point in talking to her because she doesn't listen, so until she actually listened I wasn't going to talk to her. I knew she only wanted to know how much my books were, how my class was, and how the apartment is. I talked to my grandmother and as I was hanging up, my mother calls. I decided to answer. We talked, there was tension, and we ended up fighting, I don't solely blame my mother for this, but I think she could have been a little nicer on the phone and so could I.

I don't have a good relationship with my mother and there's no mother-son connection, because when it comes right down to it, my mother is a heartless bitch. Ask my father, he'll tell you the same thing. He hasn't been happy for a good 10 years at least. I begin to blame myself for their unhappiness, but I don't know if thats the case. I don't ask for a lot from my parents, I really don't. All I really want from them is to listen to the stupid shit I talk about. I know that they don't care about music, movies and video games, but they could at least ACT like they give a shit. They don't even try, they think that they are above my stupid crap. All they ever do is yell at me about how bad my grades are, how horrible of a son I am, how much I've hurt them, how I don't listen, how I need to stop spending money, how I need to plan for the future, etc. I am no longer a teenager and I think they are still in denial about that. I think they want me to stay young and continue being a child forever. They always tell me I'm not old enough to do this or that, I am going to be 21 in a month. I know that turning 21 does not make you all-knowing, but it does mean I'm not a child, they do not understand this. It's hard for me to have any freedom, that is why school is my home. I have freedom and independence. People here share my interests and they listen to me and that's all I have ever really wanted.

My whole life I have searched for a connection with an adult figure and I haven't been able to find it and that hurts a lot. I honestly believe that I have more of a connection with someone I have never met and the sad thing is the relationship with my parents has come to nothing more than apathy between all of us. It's sad but true.

A dream brought back to home, we send our sunken ships to a shallow grave. Washed up upon the rocks...I Wont Be Saved.

2007-07-05T23:37:00.001-05:00

I'm very restless today, it was one of those days where things just seem to be full of choices, and I for some reason or another could not find a way to be comfortable. I suppose that this is because my "summer" is coming to a close. It was uneventful, which in the past few years seems to define my life. I honestly don't know who is to blame for this. But in any case I find myself more and more restless as the hours drag on. Today was full of it's quirks, it was a bad driving day for me. This means no one should have allowed me to be behind the wheel of any sort of vehicle. Today, it seemed like everyone was driving just absolutely awfully. I could have sworn that everyone was still hungover from yesterday. I was fortunate enough to see some justice as someone actually got pulled over right in front of me for flying down Grand Avenue. It was amusing seeing the driver pull over. I guess it felt good for a change to see someone besides myself getting pulled over.
I think that today is one of those days that calls for a bit of restlessness, as this is the latest I've stayed up on a work night this whole summer. I don't know what called up this change of pace, but I suppose I need it as a change up as to what this summer has entailed. For example, I've played way to many video games and I am now regretting it with only a week left before I return to school. I haven't been able to spend as much time with my friends as I would have like because of the fact that we all need money so we're all on our separate paths, doing our own thing. What this basically comes down to is that everyone is working, making money, and spending time with their families. I suppose this contributes to my restlessness also.
I haven't spent much time with my family. I regret this a little bit and at the same time, I could care less because we all simply don't get along. I wish that life wasn't like that, but the problem is that they don't listen to what they don't want to hear. It's hard to communicate to thos who don't know what communication is. Capiche?
I'm glad you catch my drift.

--

We "celebrated" Melissa's birthday this weekend and we were able to spend quite a bit of time together. We had dinner at my house after she got off of work, then we went to her house for cake. I enjoyed both. Not too much more to say to that effect except that I bought Melissa's B-day present, her ticket to Warped Tour. I got mine today also with hers as a belated b-day present. July 28th, here we come.
Speaking of concerts, Melissa and I wanted to attend the July 4th perfomances at Summerfest, unfortunately our friends weren't able to wait, so i'm going this weekend with Darren and Dustin as a sort of guys weekend seeing as though none of us have seen each other over the course of this god awful work horse summer. I'm looking forward to this weekend, except I don't believe that Melissa is. God knows I'll miss her, but I need this weekend to see my friends before school starts.

--

I'm having a bit of anxiety about going back to school, even though I'm only going for night classes for five to six weeks. I have a lot of doubts in myself, about moving in all my stuff and having to move it to a different room, rooming with someone I barely know, how well I'll do this year, I have a lot of thoughts racing around in my head, and I honestly don't think that any of them are helping my restlessness. I think I'll miss Melissa a lot, and that's one more thought thats been rattling around in my head.

--

I honestly do not want to work tomorrow or next week, I hope it rains, because if it does it means I don't have to work. Rain is predicted for three of the five days I work next week and I can only pray to God that it does actually does rain. We haven't been rained out a single day this summer so far, and the only days it has rained are the days I haven't worked or the weekends. Now that straight up pisses me off.

--
I've been listening to a lot of different music lately, but one band that has consistently caught my ear is Senses Fail. For some reason, I've been in the mood to listen to them lately and I have really enjoyed listening to them. I have been listening to everything on my computer and I'm enjoying it a lot. I really want to listen to all the music on my computer and my iPod right now, but that would involve me staying up much later than I would expect. I think that the soft crooning of Michael Buble is my queue to go to bed and I think that I should. So for now I think I'll leave off with that note,
Goodnight.

One More Time to Say I Love You Always and keeping faith. Letting love Find A Way

2007-05-27T10:34:00.000-05:00

Now Most of this was written quite a few weeks ago, but the sad part is that most of what is written here still holds true, if not truer than it did those few weeks ago. I'll add the new and edited content in a different font and color.
__________________________________________________________________________________
I find it really hard to blog during the summer, well let me rephrase that, I find it hard to stay awake to blog during the summer. I never really find any sort of motivation to write and I suppose that this is one major problem. The reason I find it hard is because I work. It may not sound like anything special, but in my case it is, and I'm not just lazy. Construction is hard, simple as that, it takes a lot out of me. Not to mention I spend the little time I do have with Melissa. I'll give you a rundown of how a typical day should go:

Anywhere from 4:00-4:45=Wake Up
4:30-5:00=Get ready and Leave for work.
Anywhere from 6:00-7:00=Start work
6:00-7:00--3:00-4:00=Work
3:00-4:00=Drive home
4:00-5:00=Get home, shower, lay down, eat.
5:00-6:00= Wait for Melissa/Drive to Melissa's
9:25-10:00= Drive Home/Say Goodbye to Melissa

Not much to my days after work. I kind of hate it and in some miniscule way, it drives me inane. I don't get any respect from the people I work for. Every day I lose it just a little bit more and the only thing keeping me from going completely nuts is the fact that I get to see Melissa, she keeps me from losing it.

---

I got my grades last week and I was honestly very surprised. I got two B's and a BC. That was surprising to me
---

I cannot wait until I go back to school. Things at home seem to either:
A.) Be going downhill since I came home
B.) Have been going downhill regardless of my prescence.
I can't wait to go back because of the freedom, I also can't stand being home because I don't know anybody from around here. I'm caught in the "high-school limbo" I went to two different high schools and never had the time to make any important relationships, so when everyone talks about going home to see their high school friends I get kind of pissed because I don't have those friends. I never had the time or the opportunity to make those kind of friends. Plus I went to a Catholic school and not a public school. The first two years are spent getting to know the people you are surrounded by, and the last two years are spent strengthening those relationships.

---

.

I hate being home. My mom refuses to try and fix her own damn computer, so she wakes me up on weekends at 9 in the morning (like today) and makes me fix the damn thing. She makes me sit in the computer room and work on it. It pisses me off because of the fact that she never makes any effort to try and fix it herself. In the last 3 days I have had to fix her computer more times than I can count.

My mother never seems to be able to take care of anything on her own. She simply expects everyone else to do everything for her. It really is sad because when she does do something, she expects us to thank her in some very strange, over-exaggerative and gratuitous manner. She also likes to make it seem as though my father and I don't bust our asses at work.

---
My parents are the only people that can make me cry and last week my dad and I got into it pretty bad, and things got uglier from there. I was crying a lot and my parents took none of it seriously. They thought that I was being dramatic, when i fact I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I have come to the sole conclusion that they just dont care.

---

I refuse to end this blog on a sad note. I'm definitely looking forward to Friday. Friday is the party that Stacy is throwing for everyone from school. A bunch of people are coming to Stacy's from all over and I'm hoping that everything goes well.

I also just finished watching the Die Hard Trilogy with Melissa, and I am definitely looking forward to the movie coming out tomorrow, Live Free or Die Hard, it's getting great reviews and I coudn't ask for more.

R.I.P.

2007-04-17T02:49:00.000-05:00

Rest in Peace
To the students who suffered at Virginia Tech
On April 16th, 2007.
33 Students lost.
What is this world coming to?
Do not forget to take time out of your day to think about them,
to pray for them,
even if it is only a minute.

This place lies within the depths of my dreams.

2007-04-17T01:51:00.000-05:00

I find that my dreams are scarier now...than I thought was ever possible.

Many people theorize that dreams are simply our recollection of our day's events all jumbled into some strange mush of brain chemicals. Some people think it's our unconscious wanting to have a greater hold on us. The only problem with these two "theories" is that they are nothing ore than that. Other than that no one has ever really proved exactly what dreams are. While my purpose in this blog is not to prove anything scientifically, but to show the world or my select few readers how I compare to the rest. How one person can represent the many and what the problem is in trying to represent many.

I have some of the scariest dreams, some people have told me before. I do not doubt this. They tend to shape themselves as a good M. Night Shamylan movie would, None of his recent crap though. Some things in my dreams don't even make any sense...which ironically makes sense for a dream nonetheless. I see my dreams as a point of pride though. By dreams I do not mean ambitions...just a reminder.

Many of the dreams that I do experience tend to have a certain...repetition about them, While I have never actually had a dream within a dream I do wake up and find myself in a state of disbelief at the fact that I am actually awake. I simply can't believe the fact that it's over. That something so horrific could just...end. While this post in itself has no real point to it, I feel it's necessary to see if people feel the same as I do,

When I was younger, specifically 8 or so, I had the most god awful dreams that could probably put anyone in a mental institution. I once dreamt when I was a child that I woke up in bed and could not find my parents in my house. I searched all over, mind you we had a door in the middle of the hallway heading towards the upstairs bedrooms, which led to the basement and continued through to the garage. So I was always terrified about this door. I digress. I had searched the house and could not find my parents. I went downstairs to a set of concrete steps we actually did have in our house. I walked through the door and there was no one in the work room. I walked out of the work room and on the walls were my parents. By on the walls...I mean chopped to bits and scattered all over the wall. The pieces were pinned to the wall by some sort of nails or pins. In any case the aliens burst out of one of the crawlspaces in our basement (which we actually had in the house) and captured me. The last thing that happened was they started cutting me apart. Then I woke up. By far that was the worst and most vivid memory to date. There is one other reoccurring dream I have, but nothing as horrible as this. As for either of the dream theories: (#1) What the hell could I have done in my day that would have jumbled THAT!? (#2) Was I subconsciously trying to kill my parents??? Neither of these sound very correct to me. I was 8, I hardly knew the difference between my ass and my elbow let alone a Swiss Army Knife and a Katana.

When I went through my phase of being obsessed with Donnie Darko, I had a dream with Frank the Bunny. He was telling me to save someone. My dad just so happened to be in the bathroom getting ready for work one morning. The bathroom happens to be right next to my room. My dad apparently heard me talking to someone and when he opened my door he saw me standing there, eyes wide open, head tilted to the side talking to no one. He said he had never been so scared in his life. He said I turned to face my bedroom door, took a step, and just fell flat on my face, He said I then started having some sort of seizure. He said he hopes it never happens again, because it was so god damned scary.

I honestly don't know what I could say to keep this going, I don't know what I could say to console myself. All I know is that the dreams tend to be too terrifying for their own good. I don't think I'm the only one who suffers from nightmares. I think that other people get so terrified by it they sometimes cause themselves to commit horrible acts. I feel sorry for these people who haven't woken up from the nightmare to see through the fog that things are not as bad as they seem. Sometimes I wonder if everything is simply a nightmare.

Escape the Fate - My Apocalypse

There’s a place that I’ve found
As far as I can see
This place lies within
The depths of my dreams
In a garden surrounded
By fire and trees
Through the smoke a silhouette I can barely see
There’s a man with an axe
Standing in the rain

Looked me straight in the eyes
This is what he had to say

Never fall asleep
You won’t wake up
Destroy the guillotine
Before he does

I walk with shadows
(you have to find a better way)
I walk with shadows
(the questions I will never say)
Hiding from the gallows
(they keep me safe and sound)
So I walk in shadows
(the ways of burning down this house)

End transmission
The satellites are down
I need an earthquake
To shake this pity
Off the ground

Just don’t trust these liars at the door
(you have to find a better way)
Kill the ones that have these answers for
(the questions I will never say)

Never fall asleep
You won’t wake up
Destroy the guillotine
Before he does

I walk with shadows
(you have to find a better way)
I walk with shadows
(the questions I will never say)
Hiding from the gallows
(they keep me safe and sound)
So I walk in shadows
(the ways of burning down this house)

End transmission
The satellites are down
I need an earthquake
To shake this pity
Off the ground

All the vibrant colors I see
And the shades that fill the grey

Pain
The pain
Pain
The pain
Pain
The pain
Pain
The pain
Pain

Hiding from the gallows
(you have to find a better way)
I walk with shadows
(the questions I will never say)
Hiding from the gallows
(they keep me safe and sound)
So I walk in shadows
(the ways of burning down this house)

Come on get up, get down with the sickness.

2007-04-13T08:47:00.000-05:00

Your whole life you hear your parents and everyone around you telling you stay healthy and when you do get sick to rest and drink a lot of water. While this is a very simple action I have been following it for years and it never fails me.
The last two years at college have shown me a lot of things. Between sickness, the police, the law, and making love I've seen a lot of things. In any case the last few months have been the worst for getting sick. Not only was it flu season, but it's allergy season and I'm starting to wonder why those two seasons had to be put right next to each other. Why does one have to lead right into the other one, can't we just have a you're-not-going-to-die season? I'd feel much better if we did. The reason I felt compelled to write this blog, is because everyone around me including myself have been sick. It's honselty kind of scary. In some sense it's like the Stand. For those of you who don't know, a military base accidentally leaks some sort of biological virus that seems like a bad flu everyone gets it, and a small statistic survives and the government tries to contain it, to no avail. Thats how I've felt the last couple weeks. Everyone around me has been sick with something different. I had a sinus infection (still do, but on meds), Melissa had a bad cold almost a flu, Alex had a flu, Darren had what seemed to be strep and a sinus infection, but is now Mono.
I don't know anymore, but hey everyone get down with the sickness. Embrace it and just go with it. So when you get sick, lots of water and a hella lot of rest.

Weekends at Carroll always seem to disappoint and by disappoint I mean, like absolutely god awful stick a spike through my eye. It's not that there's nothing to do at school or the surrounding town...it's just that there's nothing to do at school or the surrounding town, it really is that bad. Me, Darren, Steve, and Wally, we play video games, thats all we do. Why? Because there is nothing else to do. You may be thinking we're nerds, well we may be, but you have to understand there is a certain degree of helplessness to our situations. Most of us don't have a car and for those of us that do there really is nowhere for us to go. I for one do not have a car on campus and it kinda sucks. Melissa takes me everywhere, yet as much as I appreciate it I wish I could return the favor for her. I think that since I love her more than anything, that that makes up for it.

I think that this summer will be different, but will remain the same too. I think that I will be working a lot more, but because of that fact I will strive to make my friendships stronger. I think if I really try to work at my friendships things will work out great. Now if only I can figure out what to do about the whole working thing...hmmm.