The Great and Random Ramblings of Cannwin

Mutterings of a Middle-Aged Dreamer

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Tue, 10 Nov 2015 03:55:00 +0000

Use your words, my dear sweet soul, they are inside of you... So find them. Write, you silly girl, write so hard the world will never forget you.

But does it matter if the world remembers you?

Age begins to press its hands upon your chest and the need to be remembered seems to increase with the pressure.

Stop.

That's not a line of thought you're interested in pursuing.

Live in the now.

Does it matter if the world remembers you if your neighbor is going hungry?

Perhaps age is merely pushing you out the door.

Go. Live in the now.

Introspective Musings of a Working Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 00:12:00 +0000

Let me rage.

Let me rage in infinite defiance of that everlasting night.

Let me rage with such zeal that my soul is consumed in the blinding, glorious light of

another day,

another promise,

another hope.

-Charity

#dylan thomas

#workingmom

I Am A Phoenix

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Sat, 11 Jan 2014 01:01:00 +0000

This is a drawing I did right after my divorce, when I was trying to discover my life's course and who I was as a person. Divorce is this horrendously nasty thing that leaves a person with little to nothing of who they were before (at least that's how it was for me). My family was gone, at one point I had counted up blood/legal relatives that had stopped talking to me and it was nearly 60. Things were bad, but one of the recurring comments I heard from other divorcee's was 'Get bitter, or get better.' So I aimed for better. I came up with my own personal code of conduct (Quiet Dignity) and my own personal motto.

The motto the drawing is based off of is:

"I am a Phoenix. I was born for the fire and I will rise from the ashes."

But, that's not all. Each aspect of the drawing has meaning. I researched these... so I hope I got them right. lol

I chose to make my image reminiscent of a mandala with the most significant parts at the very center. The shape is also reminiscent of the sun.

Mandala's are said to ward off sorrow, hunger and other negativities, while the sun represents knowledge and immortality.

There is also several circles within my drawing, A circle suggests wholeness and completeness.

At the center of my 'mandala' there is a bird sitting inside a lotus flower. This is me--the Phoenix-- a bird known for it's quality of rebirth, quiet dignity, compassion, and healing properties. My phoenix is intentionally shaped like a subtle paisley, which is the symbol for fertility and is significant to me because I have four children. The Lotus flower represents the rising from filth into purity and the true self.

Another aspect at play here... is that Agni, is the Hindu god of fire and also the messenger from us to the gods.

The entire thing encompasses who I have become. As I experienced my divorce, and the subsequent prejudices against single mothers, I realized that the tiny person inside of me was finally getting the chance to shout and I liked her. I liked her a lot.

I had been taught all my life to keep my opinions to myself. Obey my father, obey my husband... satisfy their needs and I would be a happy woman. When that little person in me shouted, I realized who I was had been smothered and I was never going to allow that to happen again, not to myself, not to my daughters, and not to any other woman I had the opportunity to influence.

All of this... is encompassed in this drawing. A tiny little drawing on a worn out piece of paper.

Last month I splurged and went down to a vinyl shop in the mall and had them blow my drawing up to 3 ft x 3 ft. Now I can put it on my wall for everyone to see and so I can always be reminded that I am a Phoenix.

I may not be back to blogging forever, I'm extremely busy, but I'm starting to slowly heal inside and I thought you would all like to know.

Getting Back on My Feet

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 16:41:00 +0000

It is finals week for me, and I am extremely excited to be done with it. I overdid myself this semester and took 14 credits. That's five classes.

This may not sound like much (just two over the average) but for a single-mom with four children and a job this was insanity. Especially since two of those classes were English classes and I was forced to write WAY more than I had time for (I had three essays due this week totaling nearly 20 pages of writing and another 3-4 of pure citations).

Also, I moved.

Yep.

I moved in with a friend and her partner.

They are the best and gave my children and I a place to stay until I have my feet back under me. The rent is half what I was paying. It's a tight fit for all of us but it's so much better than where the kids and I were at that I couldn't be more grateful.

Next semester I am going to be dropping down to part-time and focusing on working more hours so I can actually afford to live.

I'm also considering going into a technical program... but I have only toyed with that idea, nothing solid.

It's extremely hard being the sole financial supporter of four very fantastic little people. I am happy, that's for sure. Happier than I've been in a very long time, but I am tired.

Always, always, always daydreaming about naps.

I am growing and learning and loving though and I can't complain.

Life moves on and I am satisfied with being where I am.

I will attempt to write more on here now that I will have more time to do so.

As for right now, I have a math final to go take.

Wish me luck!

A Thorough Scolding

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 15:42:00 +0000

I have been informed that I don't post enough blogs and am missed by the populace at large.

Lol sorry.

I will give you the low-down on my life.

Yesterday I finished a three page single-spaced paper regarding te softcore discrimination that single mothers face. It's the beginnings of my final paper in the class--which has to be ten pages (hopefully double-spaced).

I took a Spanish test yesterday as well as a math test. I did well on the math not so sure about Spanish.

I also went to a lecture given by a woman named Helen Whitney (??) who is a big deal documentarian and has won Emmies and the like for her work. She also met the Pope (among others).

When I was done with the lecture my friend picked me up and we enjoyed a 'girls nights.' we watched a movie called Zombiland. It was ok but not really my style of movie.

Today the kidlets are up north enjoying their fall break and heading to the local amusement park for their birthdays which are this weekend (Irish Twins). They will be 11 and 10!!!

I can't believe my babies are so old.

On another note... I can always tell when my kids have been messing around with my iPod.... Cuz afterward my camera roll looks like this:

That's My Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 03:51:00 +0000

We are at Gap and there's these moccasins for sale. The boys go over to check them out and the Mischievite says "My friend has a pair of these!"

Albowin snatches them from his brother's hand and says..... "Are those real ones like really made from Indians!?"

***

On the way to school we see this hot air balloon. The kids are all loving it, then:

Vicbowin says: "I've never been on a hot air balloon."

Albowin: "Me neither."

Mischievite: "Neither have I."

Remewin: "I have! In Afwica."

***

Checking In

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:51:00 +0000

I think learning another language is going to be the death of me. I had all these high hopes for getting A's from now on in college and now all I can think is.... B's are good too.

But I can say 'no me gusta pongo salsa en mi comida' which possibly translates into I do not like sauce in my food.

Oh dear....

Jobs and Cars

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 01:59:00 +0000

Well... I bought a new car. Well, new to me. It cost me a months rent that I'm not sure how I'm going to recover from, but at least I can take the kids to school. SuperFreak found it on craiglist for me and nearly died from excitement. It's a 1997 Chrysler Concorde with only 81,500 and it's all mine now.

I also got a job. This is the real excitement in my life because it's a job as a writing tutor at the college. It pays minimum wage and I only get a few hours a week (which really is all I can do) but oh my I love it! I don't think I've ever truly loved a job before but I feel like I can excel at this.

Life is good. It's hard and it's crazy but it's good...

Now... if I could only figure out how to pay that rent. :/

Bad Karma

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 16:24:00 +0000

I seriously don't know what I did to piss off the god of karma but this year has been the worst ever for me.

Yesterday at 3:15 pm I was driving through an intersection when a red car magically appeared right in front of me. I T-boned the poor lady and totaled my stupid car.

All the witnesses say I ran a red light but I would swear on a stack of bibles it was green. They also told the police officer that I was texting, which I was not and can prove!

Albowin got to ride in an ambulance to the ER where they inspected his eye for glass. None was there. No one was seriously hurt, although today my wrist hurts so bad I can't even squeeze the cap of a soda bottle.

I have no car. I have no money to buy a car and I now have a ticket for running a red light.

I would very very very much like to move back to South Dakota where my life was simple.

I would also like this year to freakin' end already!!!!

24 Hour Cannwin

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 21:54:00 +0000

My days are so crazy right now that sometimes I wonder how on Earth I'm actually keeping up with it all. I get up at 7AM and go, go, go until at least 10PM.

But just telling you that isn't going to give you a real idea of what I do. So I'll lay it out for you.

7AM

My alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed rubbing my eyes and shuffling to the kids rooms. I don't get the opportunity to hit the snooze button because if I'm not up and moving within 5 minutes of that alarm we are all late.

7:50AM

We HAVE to be out of the house by now if we are going to have any breathing room for our schedules. Which really means if we aren't all yelling at each other all the way to the Irish Twins school then we need to be in the car by now.

8:00AM

When we typically leave the house.

8:13AM

When the Irish Twins usually make it to school and barrel out of the car.

8:15AM

When their school starts.

8:30AM

Drop the Mischievite and Remewin off at their babysitters house.

9:00AM

My first class.

10AM

My free hour in which I get to do awesome things like apply for food stamps or look for jobs.

11AM

Second class.

Noon

Class gets out at 11:50. I have ten minutes in which to sprint over to my friends class before it starts and say a quick hello before then starting the long walk up to the Mischievite's babysitter's house.

I pick him up and we both walk over to his school.

This leaves me just enough time to come huffing and puffing (and sweating profusely) into:

1PM

Third Class

2:30PM

Class gets out and I sprint to my car (have I mentioned the elevators are ridiculously slow here on campus?), go pick up Remewin from the babysitter and then drive over to the Irish Twins school and sit in traffic until I am close enough to the building for them to hop in the car.

3:10PM

Kids hop in the car... usually yelling.

3:30PM

Pick up the Mischievite from his school.

4PM

Take Vicbowin to Gymnastics... sometimes run to the grocery store.

5PM

Dinner

Try to convince Albowin to do his homework.

6PM

Pick up Vicbowin from Gymnastics.

7PM

Put the little ones to bed and beg the older two to work JUST A LITTLE BIT FASTER on their homework.

SuperFreak usually stops by around this time of day (which makes it the best part of my day).

9PM

Irish Twins finally buckle down, finish their homework and go to bed leaving me with enough quiet time to do my own homework while SuperFreak sits next to me and chats.

11PM

Finish Homework, say goodnight to SuperFreak, crash into my bed.

1AM

Scoot over so Remewin can crawl into bed with me.

4AM

Scoot the other way so the Mischievite can crawl into bed with me.

7AM

Wake up and shuffle to the kids room. I have to be out of bed by 7:05 or we are all late.

***

In my Spanish class the other day the man sitting behind me complained to his neighbor:

"I didn't get the homework done. I've just been so busy lately, there really isn't any time for me to breathe."

The woman who sits next to me, and myself, both rolled our eyes.

She has 5 kids, I have my 4. We are both single mom's.

Both of us got our homework done.

PS. SuperFreak doesn't have children... he thinks that what I do is this close
-->|.|<--
to superhuman. I think he's a keeper.

Appendices, Derbies, and Other Such I-E-S's

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:29:00 +0000

This last weekend I went to my first ever Demolition Derby... you know, those red-neck American things where people have an excuse to hit each other's cars.

I wish I had more pictures than this but I used SuperFreak's camera and not my own.

Who is SuperFreak?! You may be wondering....

This is:

SuperFreak is obviously not his real name... but it fits. lol.

Anyway, SuperFreak was driving in the Demolition Derby with the above car. This would be a before image, it's not so pretty in the after image.

I had a lot of fun though! Now I want to drive a Demolition Derby Car.

You know there was only one girl in the whole thing (okay maybe there were 2)! That's unacceptable.

Women need to stand up for themselves and do cool things like crash cars together. I mean if we are as "bad" at driving as everyone keeps complaining we should be pretty kick-a** at a Crash-Up Derby. Right!?

Well... that's what I think at least.

Anyway, the other interesting thing that happened this last week is that my sister had an emergency appendectomy. (Do you suppose that's meant to be capitalized?)

When my brother texted me to tell me she was in getting her appendix our I laughed loudly.... an actual LOL.

So, naturally I called him. Evidently they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her and had to do a CTscan to determine that it was her appendix.

Sound familiar?

My sister quoted our mom as saying, "You two... always doing the same things."

Neither her nor I is sure how we feel about that statement, there's a list of similarities that are not exactly positive.

As for the rest of my reality. I started school... again.

Last week was my first week and boy-howdy was I exhausted. My schedule leaves very little breathing room and if I'm not at school in class I'm typically running around taking kids to school or doing errands.

And my back-pack weighs a bajillion pounds.

This girl, from one of my classes last spring, told me she bought all of her books on Kindle (or Nook or something) and I about died of jealousy. How much lighter would my bag be!!!!

I knew I should have bought an iPad instead of a laptop.

I'm so doing that next semester.... if I can afford it.

Internet--The Most Expensive Need In the World!

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 03:47:00 +0000

Summer has been fantastic. I spent my weekends wandering around Southern Utah with friends and trying my hardest to avoid the scorching summer sun.

Sadly, I didn't have the internet on all my excursions.

Or at home either.

Stupid internet.

So, on Monday I'm headed back to school, I'm excited...

I'm taking Spanish, Intermediate English Composition, and Math.

Oh and Library Science (which I fully plan to test out of in the first week of classes--someone lecture me if I don't please).

Anyway. I'm hoping to be able to blog more often from school and my laptop because I will have more access to the internet than I currently do.

I seem to always be apologizing for non-blogging lately.

I'll stop doing that.

Oh...

And I met someone.

He makes me smile.

Friday Photo

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 11:59:00 +0000

Movie magic!

This is us playing with the webcam embedded in my new laptop.

Once the kids figured out it could do fun things like this it took me a bit to stop them from using elbows, knees, teeth, etc. to get in front of each other.

No, they weren't that bad.... no one actually used teeth.

Breakfast

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 17:01:00 +0000

Yesterday the Mischievite wasn't getting ready fast enough for me. I kept telling him to get dressed and he just sat there on his bedroom floor, in his undies, with his back to me.

"Hey!" I finally said, after a good 10 minutes of asking. "Get dressed you!"

So the Mischievite turns to me, wipes his fingers on the floor and says, "Oh, sorry mom... I was just having my booger breakfast."

AAAAHHH! I swear boys may be the death of me.

True Me Tuesday

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 12:30:00 +0000

I am currently having what some people would call a 'crisis of faith.'

Which actually translates into I haven't been to church in 7 months and I'm perfectly happy with that.

My faith in God has not changed or lessened in any way.

My faith in my church has definitely hit a road block.

Now here's the clincher.

It's always really bugged me when people stopped going to church because someone offends them.

Really? Is that as far as your devotion and faith goes?

Yet I have found it so incredibly easy to lay the blame on others for my own inactivity in my religion. I could blame the horrible rumors that I KNOW are out there about me (I've heard them, it's not me just being paranoid). I could blame the teachers at church who I completely disagreed with even before my separation and subsequent divorce. I could blame those few extremely close people who utterly back stabbed me and left me to fend for myself in a most un-friendly, un-christlike fashion. (Not you MC).

But the truth is I just quit caring.

I call it the Awakening.

The moment in my life where I just sort of woke up and realized how much time I was spending on trying to hide who I was because who I was--wasn't good enough for those around me.

This awakening was quickly followed by the Great Purge of 2012.

That's when all those people left.

The truth is... I really, truly, honestly have found that I feel so much less guilt and remorse when I focus my time on bettering my relationships with my children, my self and my friends (rather than on becoming a perfect (ridiculously unattainable) version of myself).

The sad aspect of this, however, is I know how I'm viewed.

I've been there, I've known people who 'went off the deep end' and left the church.

I know what they think, what they say and what they tell their kids.

And I realize for the first time in my life how completely wrong that sort of behavior is!

I'm not a bad person because I don't have a desire to go to church or because I wear tank tops and shorter shorts. I'm not a bad person because I associate myself with people who smoke cigarettes.

I may be at a slightly higher risk of cancer... but that's sort of not the issue at hand.

The irony is that in seeking quality friendship, love, and acceptance I actually found it in the place I had been taught said me I shouldn't be able to (non-church folk).

These are people who genuinely respect one another, work side by side to build one another up, lend a helping hand to ANYONE they see, and are willing to try out new and interesting friendships.

It's an incredibly dynamic group of homosexuals, adults who were raised in polygamist homes, former drug addicts, and lots of awesome, respectful, loving kids. These are people who have often times dealt with serious life issues and have learned that the value of a person does not come in where they are on Sunday morning but how they treat others when no one is looking.

And they have great relationships.... happy, loving committed partnerships; sound, un-conditional friendships; honorable, open parent-child bonds.

In my entire life I have never felt so welcome and accepted.

All the things I thought I could find in church I found outside of church.

I have really been contemplating this a lot lately and been truly concerned about 'coming out' for fear of the reaction I was going to receive. I know what most of you must be thinking (see above) and that's fine... but may I suggest one tiny idea that my bestest friend in the whole wide world told me this last year:

"A support group isn't there to give you advice... otherwise it would be called an advice group. Support groups are the ones that stand by you no matter what your choice is because they know at some point we all need to have another person around just to know we are significant."

Friday Photo

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:00:00 +0000

The kidlets went hiking with Ralexwin last weekend. This is the picture he emailed me.

They are getting so big!!!

Flip-Flip-Flip

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 16:44:00 +0000

Over the weekend I went up to Bryce Canyon with some pretty awesome people I know. It was fun, but not the story I want to tell you.

On our way up we noticed this car driving up the frontage road so fast that it past us on the freeway. This is really saying something because I-15 up through Utah is an 80mph road.... I usually go 85. So this guy was going at least 90.

And the frontage road wasn't paved.

So, we're watching him and making all sorts of comments about how he's catching just a bit of air every time he goes over a bump, or how we're just waiting for him to skid. Then I say "I've never actually seen a car accident."

It was like I jinxed the poor shmuck, because right then he skids. Dust envelopes his car and for a moment all we could see was the cloud of brown, then we saw him. FLIP-FLIP-FLIP.

We're pretty sure he went front over end first and then side over side. We were mesmerized! And neither of us thought did anything but watch for the split seconds that it took us to pass the accident.

"Well, you've seen one now."

"Aren't you going to call the police!?" I say in shock.

"Oh, yeah.... what do you think I should call? 911?"

I half laugh, half groan and pick up my own phone and dial 911.

But that's it... I have no clue what happened to the guy or whether he was hurt. With as fast as he was going I can't imagine him coming out of it unscathed.

And the moral of the story is, when driving 90 miles an hour, at least use the freeway.

Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 18:50:00 +0000

I'm going to try going back to some very basic blogging tactics I used years ago to kick start my writing. Probably not all of these but a few of them like: True Me Tuesday or finish up my 52 Photos series or Kids Say the Darndest Things.

The problem with my 52 photos, or any photos for that matter, is Rosa and I had to part ways recently... so the pictures will be a bit grainy as they will be from my iPod, Blanca.

Any other ideas you have for me? Or blogging themes and memes that I used to do that you miss?
I miss you guys very much. I am working on getting back into the swing of blogging every weekday.

What To Do Next

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 16:48:00 +0000

I'm sitting here in the brand newest cool building on campus waiting for my class to start and doing several things.

1) Watching the construction workers outside my window... very fun. ::wink-wink::

2) Thinking about my impending weekend, I think I'm going to Bryce Canyon to watch some friends run a half-marathon. I've never been to Bryce Canyon.

3) Trying to filter out all the things I might find fun to do as a career from those things that I think would be AWESOME to do as a career.

I know we've talked about this before, but hey this is my forum so I get to talk about whatever the holy he** I want to right!?

So here's what I know:

Feminism makes me feel alive and full of purpose.
Domestic Violence prevention and support is something I feel I'm pretty knowledgeable about.
I love to write and am in the Bachelors of Arts in English program.
I want to get a Bachelors in either English or Women's Studies.
I want to get a Master's Degree in either Women's Studies, Political Science or English.
I am sort of toying with the idea of going to Law School.
All of the above mentioned things make me feel like I've been told I won a million dollars on the same day that Gerard Butler declared his undying love and devotion to me. (So... pretty giddy and happy)

The problem:

I think that I'm not focusing, though, I don't know why. Maybe it's just little comments from people I know. Maybe it's because I haven't outright said any of this to anyone. (Have you ever used the word feminism in a crowd of people? Try it sometime)

Maybe that's not as big an issue of where to get such an education? I'm fairly confident in my ability to get into pretty much any school I want (was that prideful?). I mean, really, at present I have a 3.8, and I'm a single mom with four kids. The issue isn't getting in, it's PAYING for something like the above education.

I have to take out all the loans just to survive each semester NOW. Imagine if my tuition was a bit more than the $1500-ish I pay now (try $40k a semester).

I really need to find some resources.

I hesitate to write any of this on my blog though because I worry that some people will view this as me planning on taking my kids and going to the other side of the country. Not what I'm talking about here! I am just trying to find some sort of tentative plan for the next decade of my life, and I need to be able to bounce the ideas off of people. It's how I work.

So, what do you think?

Should Be Doing Homework

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 04:44:00 +0000

I'm sitting on my bed at 10:40PM not doing homework. I ought to be writing a paper... but its near the end of the semester and my pile of homework should be doings is getting long and tiring. So I thought... 'I ought to blog.'

Independence Day was crazy and consisted of several vomiting children. I think I should go through all past holidays on here and just count up which ones involved the stomach flu because I seriously think I'm jinxed.

Albowin actually threw up in front of about 40 people right in the middle of the fireworks show. That was a first for me, I've never actually had a child throw up in public before. But it's passed through our house now (knock on wood) and moved on to some other poor souls home.

Anyway. Now I feel guilt about not doing homework so I will go. Perhaps I will have more to talk about tomorrow.

This blog post seems strangely lacking. :)

Survey Says

noreply@blogger.com (Yes.I.Cann) — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 20:01:00 +0000

In my Gender Comm class we have to do a research project on a topic that has significant weight within this field of communication. My group has decided to do a survey regarding popular opinions about date rape.

Obviously this survey will be full of heavy material including very explicit wording. So please don't take it unless you are 18 or older.

If you feel you can handle this topic I would appreciate the help very, very much. I will leave it up for one week.

You can go to the below link to participate:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JXDYLKK

Thank you.

Cannwin

Long Term Commitment

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 16:35:00 +0000

This morning... after what promises to be one of the longest, most horrendously drawn out Fourth of July's in my life... I was laying in bed with my darling Vicbowin and talking out through some of the anger we had been experiencing the day before.

We had spent a lot of our time yesterday yelling at one another and, as it always does, this had worn us both out pretty good. So I was laying there, loving my girl and cherishing our quiet moment together when I had a very profound thought. (That I'm now going to share with you).

Parent-Child relationships are long term relationships. They are complete investments of our time, energy, love, and support for, hopefully, an entire lifetime. Yet for some reason we never once question whether the relationship will end.

There is never a point when we say, "I am so tired of not being loved by you in the way that I need. I'm sure I could find something better somewhere else." It's never even considered. With children you love without regret for years and years and years. Even if the kids don't reciprocate any of that love.

On an extremely basic level parent-child relationships are the same thing as any other familial or friend relationship. That is the coming together of two people in a implicit contract of caring. Yet it is the only one that we never question that caring.... or make the return of such feelings a contingent of the continuation of said relationship.

Why do you suppose that is? I've been taking communication classes at school and one of the things I've learned is that communication is THE key to all successful relationships. The ability to talk openly about every aspect of life with the other person is the ability to have a stable long-term relationship.

I think this has something to do with why parent-child works so well. We constantly talk things out! We constantly reinforce what we say with phrases like, "I was so proud to see you helping out the way you did today." We openly discuss sensitive topics like sex (and I mean.... really discuss it). We spend so much time talking about every aspect of living with our children because we realize that this is how children learn... the catch is that we inadvertently build long-term relationships while we're at it.

We live in a society where we can't seem to manage any form of long-term commitments yet we have all, for generations, been overlooking the fact that we are all in them! And we're mostly good at them.

We've been selling ourselves short for years and didn't even realize it. We all have the capability to stay 'in love' with someone for a lifetime and we all have the tools to do so... we just rarely realize it.

Anyway... that was my split second realization this morning when I was cuddling with my daughter. I am in a long-term relationship... four of them and I think I'm pretty good at them. To think all this time I've been feeling like a failure.

Day of Independence

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 00:57:00 +0000

Tomorrow is our countries birthday yet again. Usually during holidays I like to think back onto past ones and reminisce.

I'd rather not do that this year.

This year will be different than any year ever before in my life. So I am going to have fun with my kids and my friends. I will enjoy the hot summer weather and endure the wailing of my over heated children. I will possibly barbecue and eat watermelon and watch fireworks and just live.

Then it will be back to school on Thursday. I'm almost done with the semester. 6 more credits almost done with. WOOHOO!

Did I mention that I made my decision to study feminism official? Yep. Well, as official as I can make it at this school. I declared that I am seeking a Bachelors of Arts in English with an emphasis in gender issues. The nice thing is that because I am so early into the process of school I can hand pick all my elective credits to go with my emphasis. I am excited. :)

In other news: The other day Albowin declared that "Boys don't wear dresses!" To which my stubborn Mischievite retorted (as he wrapped a piece of fabric around his waist), "Well this boy DOES!"

In gymnastics Vicbowin learned how to do a Kick-Over... which means she can go down into a bridge and then kick her legs over her body. She is very excited about this. So am I because it means that for the first time she came out of her pre-team practice with a smile on her face.

And it's possible that's about it.

Happy Holiday!

Charlotte Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 15:45:00 +0000

Yesterday afternoon around 4PM I received a text from my brother that said;

FYI Wildfire up Mink Creek there's a

very real possibility mom's house is gone.

She's gone to town.

Now, my family isn't anything if they aren't dramatic so I sort of thought maybe we were working on over exaggerations here (see 'Someone Else's Blood'). I should have known that if my brother was the one texting it would be serious.

It was very serious.... it IS very serious. Apparently (from what I've been able to gather) the fire started around 2PM, from fireworks, in one hour it had spread 250 acres--that would be because Southern Idaho is the most dry, juniper filled, sage brush over-run... I digress. The fire went directly over the area I grew up in. DIRECTLY (this image is past my mom's house)

Imagine getting a call saying that the neighborhood you live in was on fire and the next door neighbors house had already burnt down and you pretty much have what happened to me.

The little I could gather online showed images of areas I knew better than anyplace in the world. Listed street names of places my friends lived. It was surreal. The distance between me and the fire is hundreds of miles yet I couldn't help but try and list all the things I may have at my moms house or worry about my friends families.

Last night at around 11PM my brother texted me again;

It looks like mom's house is okay. However

everyone below her looks to be gone.

This is pretty much all I know. 20 houses are gone.... at least 5 of them are families I know personally and whose houses were close enough to others that the assumption can be made they are all gone. No one can get in so no one knows for sure and the only reason I think we might know is because my step-brother works for the county and has been watching out for our house (You rock my world Aaron!)

So, if you know my family personally that's all the information I have for you. You can email me if you want and I can give you numbers of family members to contact for more.

If you are my blogging family I thank you in advance for your love. I'm pretty sure this is the worst year of my life and the magnitude of bad things happening truly makes me laugh with sadistic irony.

I am, therefor, emotionally okay but perhaps slightly mentally unhinged. ;)

Platty

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 16:46:00 +0000

I am typing this on my brand-new-very-own-bought-it-myself computer. She's silver... so in honor of all the other names I have for my electronic devices (Blanca is my ipod-touch, Roja was my camera that I no longer have) I have decided to name this little lady Platty.... for plateado which means silver in spanish... and is the color of my girl.

Today I scrolled through all the blogs I follow for the first time in 6 months. It felt fantastic! Like I finally came home or something.

So now I can sit here and write til my fingers go numb and be at one with my words again.

I'M SO EXCITED!

Oh, and she takes pictures and has a built in webcam (hint-hint Meaghan!):

(This is me trying to figure out how to work the webcam)

I am a happy single lady today.

Buying my own computer was super scary, but I feel empowered by doing so... that's sort of funny I suppose.