The Great and Random Ramblings of Cannwin

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 07:58:00 PST

Massive family issues to deal with. I may be gone for a few months. Sorry :(

52 Photos #34

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:49:00 PST

Ralexwin has come home to us yet again!!! The kids are pumped and the Mischievite keeps reiterating how his dad isn't leaving again.... We'll have to discuss that one.

Well.... Now We're In It

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:21:00 PST

So, now that you know my biggest secret. And now that I know that everyone already pretty much had it figured out and I really didn't surprise anyone (boy was that a waste of stress!) I thought I'd approach the subject again with some new information I was reading about in the New York Times the other day.

Yes, yes... I'm a New York Times snob... as of like three days ago even! (it's because I can get them for free at the school!)

Anyway....The CDC, last week changed the definition of rape to include a much wider range of assault.

This is HUGE!

This changes the statistics on rape considerably. Especially when it concerns males.With the new findings some statistics estimate that the number of men raped rises from 1 in 71 to anywhere between 1 in 33 to 1 in 6.

You can see the ramifications of such a definition change. Sexual assault of men is something that our society rarely talks about... and yet we see that it is as much of a problem as with women.

This is a difficult topic to discuss, I know, but I cannot even begin to tell you how important it is to know these things. When it comes to sexual assault and abuse the number one defense you have for yourself and your children is knowledge.

Sexual crimes are crimes of secrecy and leave a darkness that permeates throughout lifetimes, but with knowledge and light it is possible to combat and overcome such victimization. Please, take the time to study up on protecting yourself and your children. For me. :)

Thats all for now.

Sorry!

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:44:00 PST

I feel as if I'm failing as a blogger. 4 years and then suddenly I have other things to do?

Well, I need to really schedule my time better. I'm going to work on that today and by next week have a fantastic working blog/school plan.

Dont think I've forgotten you!

52 Photos #33

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 07:18:00 PST

I bought a new iPod. I shall name her Blanca, because she is white. She will be Rosa's bestest friend. This is a picture I took when figuring out how Blanca works. Isn't Vicbowin just divine!? My girl is gonna be gorgeous!

Ps... I'm typing this on Blanca!

Discussion: Feminist Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:58:00 PST

Yesterday a friend of mine and I were discussing the trials of generations that came before (mainly during the Black Death because that's what I'm studying in Art History) and she said to me, "Wow, we think our trials are hard."

And it struck me, in a moment of epiphany, exactly how good we have it. So, lets stop for a moment and think about how much better women have it then they used to.

We can vote, we can own property, we can control the rearing of our own children, we can have any job we want, we can go to any school we want.

Why can we do all this? Because someone who came before us fought tooth and nail to give us that right.

So how do we use it?

In the Revolution the soldiers fought for our rights as Americans to be free and today we use that right to make our own decisions. It honors them for us to act upon their sacrifice.

In the Feminist Movement... and during the Suffrage time thing.... women suffered for our rights to have the freedoms we have. So how do we honor them? I know lots of women who stay at home and argue that they need to be treated equally... (Hi, I'm Cannwin--and I'm totally guilty of this), but then lack the true desire to actually go and do.

I mean, come on... lets just be honest with each other right now ladies... how hard is it to change a diaper? Especially compared to some of the things women before us had to sacrifice.

Anyway... I digress... the point of this is to discuss:

Is it possible that, as women of our time, we are standing on the battle field of our feminist ancestors and shouting, "Bring it on! We rock!!" When in reality... the battle has already been fought and we just don't know what to do now that we've won?

And! What are you doing to maintain the rights of feminist freedom that you were given?

Back to the Grindstone

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 04:38:00 PST

School's back in session today.

Someday's do you secretly smile when you wave goodbye to your kids in the morning?

I do.

I Am The One

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:26:00 PST

POST WARNING: If you know me personally this post is about to rock your world so either don't read or sit down.

“It takes two people to speak the truth: One to speak and another to hear.” – Henry David Thoreau

We've all been in on a class or discussion where at some point the teacher points out that 1 in x number of people will have such and such a thing occur in their life. Have you ever been in a situation where the instructor makes ten people stand up and says "One of you will have ________ experience." (I have no clue where to put the question mark in that sentence... so lets just pretend it's there).

Some of the more common statistics out there are things like:

1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with Breast Cancer in her lifetime.

Cigarette smoking causes 1 in 5 deaths in the United States.

1 in 3 children are now considered obese.

Well, there's some other statistics that you might not know about. Some that are a little more shocking. Like:

1 in 4 women will be the victims of domestic violence in their lifetime.

1 in 6 women have experienced rape or attempted rape in their lifetime.

1 in 12 women have been stalked in their lifetime.

Do you understand what that means?

That means that if you and I and two, or four or ten, other women (assuming we're all women, if you're a guy...imagine a girl you know) stood up in a group, one of us has been abused.

So, we would stand there and look at each other and inevitably someone would comment on how unlikely that was and the others would chuckle... because it's the sort of thing that makes us all extremely uncomfortable. But one of us would be chuckling to cover up the ugly truth.

Well... guess what.... I am the one.

Yep. Me. Little old Cannwin that talks about all the happy, silly, crazy things her kids do and chuckles about her marriage.

I fit all three of those bottom statistics.

I am a victim of domestic violence.

I am a victim of rape.

I am a victim of a crazy psycho stalker dude.

And I am as impossible to pick out of a crowd as any of the other ones are. In fact, I'm confident that at least one of you reading this knows exactly how I'm feeling about writing this.

That's all I want to say about it for now.... since I just dropped a MASSIVE bomb on my family and friends.

Feel free to leave comments--anonymous is fine--but I'd appreciate it if there wasn't a mass influx of phone calls to my house. If you feel like you need to talk to me personally email me (sidebar) and I'll respond.

NOTE: Ralexwin is not the bad guy in any of those situations. He's my advocate, my strong arm, my supporter and he knows all about it.

If you know or suspect abuse... or are the victim of abuse... you can get help!

Call 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

52 Photos #32

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 04:55:00 PST

On Monday I started college officially. I had four classes and tried my darndest not to look over-eager.

Vicbowin told me I looked too pretty to be going to school.

My friends husband said I looked too nervous.

But no one said I looked too old, or too eager, or too out of place.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only people who even noticed my existence were the other people my age. Like a silent acknowledgement that we aren't alone on campus--even if that realization is coming from a professor.

It's been nice so far.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say, I LOVE IT!

What Is Your Greatest Regret?

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 09:14:00 PST

When I was a child (a teen really) I told everyone that I didn't have regrets. That life was a journey and every choice we make leads us in the direction that takes us to where we currently are.... if we were to regret, we would be saying that we do not appreciate where we are in life.

While I still logically believe in this, I have grown and the choices I have made have had far more greater consequences than those of my youth.

Ironically, however, the choices of my youth (and experiences) weren't anything easy... so the choices of my adult years sometimes seem fairly overwhelming.

So what, as a 31 year old, is my greatest regret? Well, I have two great regrets really. One is so personal that I'm not sure I've ever shared it with anyone... so obviously, I won't be sharing it with you either--not today at least.

My other one, however, is a little easier to talk about.

I regret not taking joy in every moment. In my life I have learned, very thoroughly, how to live in constant preparation for the worst. I was taught at a young age how to do this by my mother and my father, but on my own I have learned the great and destructive art of wall building.

If I see something as a potential threat to my perceived (yet absent) happiness I will instinctively wall myself off from it. Protect my heart, if you will, by tossing up emotional blocks.

I used to pride myself on this, as a child, but have since discovered exactly how destructive that is to who I am.

This habit is how people become old, angry, broken people and I have spent the better part of 3 decades perfecting it.

I regret this immensely and wish dearly that the cost of tearing down those walls wasn't so high--and in the same instant, realize how imperative it is that I do so.

What is yours?

School

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:08:00 PST

I started school yesterday... again. I'm really good at starting school, not so good at the finishing it part. It was a little stressful.

Okay, a lot stressful.

But I've now been to all my classes and think I can handle it.

Well, except the homework.

I'll need to figure out how to handle that.

So far so good though!

Mountain Moving

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 05:36:00 PST

I recently overheard a conversation about a man who had suffered a serious accident (pronounced dead twice) and walked away with only minor physical disabilities. The problem was that the man had been suffering from a debilitating depression ever since (15 years-ish).

As is frequent in conversations of this sort, the topic of mountain moving came up. It was suggested that he had been saved from death for a great purpose within this life and he just needed to recognize his divine purpose.

This is where I piped in. While not trying, in any way, to devalue the faith of those talking I tried to make them understand how dangerous that sort of talk was to the poor man.

"Imagine," I said, "if you had been told for nearly half your life that you were capable of moving mountains and yet, no matter how hard you tried... you just couldn't manage to move one. How do you think that would affect you?"

See, the thing is... I know how this feels... I know what it feels like to be told I was given a very specific purpose and if I only just realized that, I would be able to move mountains.

Awhile back I posted a talk I had given at church for you guys to read, in it I spoke plainly about my belief that when we are open and allow the trials we endure (and have endured) to be seen then we shine a light on those around us who may feel alone and in need.

"We shy away from the opportunity of allowing others to grow from our struggles. When we should be open with our spiritual sisters we instead withdraw into our own rooms of self-recrimination. ... It is my hope, as a mother and a woman, that my imperfections are neither hidden from nor scorned by those around me. It's a delicate hope, and a precipitous position to put myself in, but I truly feel that by being honest with those around me I allow others to find that same honesty within themselves."

I have to tell you all that I have not been living up to my own words.

The conversation about that man has truly stuck with me and I have realized that if my trials and failings in life are to make a difference in yours then I actually have to tell you what they are!

I've hesitated for years about discussing some of these subjects, but at some point within this my 31st year I have realized that like my body, my mind and my blog are my own space and my own sanctuary to do with as I please (blogs being... of course subject to some censorship, I'm not ridiculously stupid people!).

So I have decided, although it terrifies me just a little, to start sharing some of the darker aspects of who I am.

I have given you all the impression that my life is bliss and perfection. This was wrong of me. I have some issues that I struggle with daily and I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life.

And I KNOW I'm not the only one who reads this blog who has these same issues.

Fair warning though... some of it is not nice, at all... but I recently told a friend that what I truly wanted to write about was the sort of things that changed people for the good. The sorts of things that made you, the reader, realize that you are not alone and that it is possible to move on from trial. My dear friend told me, "Well, then do."

So... I will.

It won't be easy for me, nor for you. I may not write more than once a month about it. I may go several months. But it is my hope that in sharing my stories I will be freed from some of my demons and I will allow you to free yourselves as well.

Please, all I ask, is that you be kind to me in this my vulnerable state, and feel free to share your experiences with me via comments or email.

Love,

Cannwin

52 Photos #30 & #31

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 07:39:00 PST

#30

For Christmas Vicbowin got a doll and a pocket knife. It was such a funny combination that I had to take a picture.... so I said smile and got this.

My daughter scares me just a little.

#31

This is what the Mischievite got for Christmas... Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.

Ouch

Now you see why I haven't been around.

Life Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:03:00 PST

Terribly sorry for the extended and unexcused absence... just busy dealing with life issues like:

super sick kidlets

prepping for my first semester of school

dealing with Christmas

etc.

I shall return soon my darlings.

52 Photos #29

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 03:59:00 PST

I like being 31.

Uh Oh

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 10:45:00 PST

What do you mean there's 3 days 'til Christmas!?

(ps. she sooo doesn't know I have this picture... no one tell)

Christmas Traditions

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 08:39:00 PST

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat (has anyone ever eaten goose for Christmas?) and we are about to have 40 people descend upon our house for the holidays.

Oh... did I mention that little Remewin has Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.

Also known as Herpangina (and let me tell you how fun that word is to say in a crowded room).

Right... so if you are about to come for a visit let me just tell you what Herpangina is:

Open sores (similar to canker's) all over inside of the mouth and down the throat... they are on the gums, on the tongue, on the cheeks and the lips and the roof of the mouth and on the outside of the mouth.

High Fever for days on end-- like 4 or 5 days.

Dehydration.

Did I mention the open sores all over inside the mouth and down the throat?

It's pretty much just agony and I haven't the slightest idea if my others have caught it because it's a herpes complex virus (like cold sores) and 95% of the population is immune to it.

So.... if you are coming here... be warned.

I know that you all find this sadistic pleasure in bringing your germs here and getting me sick every year. So I'm sort of feeling a slight feeling of retributuion, but I thought I'd warn you anyway.

Now you're warned.

Hair

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:02:00 PST

Remewin cut her hair again today... that'll be the fourth time.

::sigh::

I'm gonna have to boy cut it now. :(

52 Photos #28

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 07:58:00 PST

Me... just before LASIK surgery and pumped up on Valium.

LASIK

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 08:20:00 PST

Today I go in for LASIK surgery at 3PM.

I'm super duper nervous.

They made me watch this video showing what they would be doing to my eyes. I wanted to inform them afterward that their video was LESS likely to make people want the surgery.

Then the doctor tried talking me into getting 'custom' LASIK which is about $1000 more an eye. After telling me how much better my eyesight would be and how much more advanced the technique was and how absolutely happy I'd be if I spent that extra $2000 (yes, I only have two eyes), then telling me how my eyes aren't something I really want to scrimp on. He asked me if I wanted to go ahead with custom LASIK.

I graciously declined and made sure he understood I was opting for the scrimping surgery that wouldn't bust my bank.

He then smiled and said, "Well, with your prescription there really isn't going to be that much of a difference in vision if you go for the conventional surgery v custom."

AHA!

That's the sort of information they conveniently don't tell you.

My friend says that there is no morality in finances. This would be a prime example of that.

So... today I'm going to scrimp and go for conventional LASIK.

I'm scared-excited and have no one around to really vent those feelings to.

I had to find a ride to the surgery and home and then I will probably put a movie on for the kids and go climb in my bed.

It feels weird doing something so life altering without any sort of hand to hold.

::shrug::

Such is my life.

Wish me luck!

Eyeballs

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 08:22:00 PST

Yesterday I went in for an eye appointment where they dilated my pupils and numbed my eyeballs.

3 hours later this is what I looked like.

The yellow tear was an unintentional part of the picture. I hadn't realized my tears were yellow (from the numbing drops) until the photo was taken.

My friends think I look creepy.

I think it looks pretty cool. :)

College

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 08:54:00 PST

I'm going to go to college. Full time even.

I haven't gone to school full time since I was 19 years old.

The problem is that I have these dang kids that I need to find a full-time sitter for. I also have a husband thats looking high and low for a job anywhere he can find it. Plus there's the issue of exactly when I'm going to manage to do any homework I acquire... between chores, kids schoolwork, dinner, running a house yada yada yada.

It seems as if maybe going to school at 19 was slightly simpler but maybe not as exciting and fulfilling as it is now.

52 Photos #27

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:01:00 PST

Big girls wear

DORA PANTIES!!!!

Not quite as fun as her Rapunzel panties that she keeps telling people about.

"I got Tangled panties!"

Yep... I haven't corrected it yet because I think it's so dang hilarious.

411

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:53:00 PST

You know how every once in a while you get some news that makes you want to just scream and throw things.

(oh, you don't? That's just me?)

Well, I got some of that this week.

So forgive me if my mood and blog posts go from perky to black in .02 seconds.

That's just how it is around these here parts sometimes.

Super Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Cannwin) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:00:00 PST

I'm off doing Super Mommy tricks... like raking leaves.

See you tomorrow.