I would like to point out that right after this pic was snapped, the Gym Buddies left me on top of that stupid gigantic tire. Do you know how hard it is to get off the top of a tire with your legs spread apart like that?!

Ever wondered if your workout is, well, working for you? Whether you are a dedicated exerciser or just starting out, it can be extremely rewarding to measure your progress. Most people focus on weight loss but this is a terrible measure of athleticism and a questionable measure of good health. Strength, speed, flexibility, agility and balance are all important for a healthy body. To measure your progress in these five areas, try this fitness assessment. The Gym Buddies and I have cobbled this together over the past few years and while we like to do the whole thing periodically, you can do all 17 of our tests or just pick a few benchmarks that will be a good representative for you and then record your scores in a notebook. Of course half the fun for us is trying to trip the other girls up. (Tip: It’s way harder to hold a wall sit if you’re laughing so hard you have to pee. So stock up on funny jokes if you are at all competitive!)

The Great Fitness Experiment Fitness Test

Timed Chin-Up Hang

To test your upper body strength (and relive memories of Middle School gym class, sorry about that), jump up – or step up using a chair – and grip a chin-up bar with your hands facing you. Using only your arms, hang with your chin above the bar as long as possible. And don’t worry, no one will be waiting to wedgie you in the locker room if you fall early.

Chest Press

Considered one of the most fundamental lifts, the chest press is easy to measure progress in – just add the numbers on the plates! (Although not while you are doing the chest press. I’ve learned the hard way that math + lifting weights = disaster.) Lay on your back on a weight bench and either grip a barbell or use two dumbbells. With a spotter nearby press the weight straight up and then bring the bar back down until your elbows are at 90 degrees. Use the heaviest weight you can safely handle for 5 reps. (Note: this really isn’t the same as the chest press that people use in competitions so if you plan on being a competitive chest presser then you’ll want to use their form standards.)

Shoulder Press

Shoulder strength is important for everything from good posture to putting away groceries so test yours by holding a dumbbell in each hand at shoulder height. Press them both directly above your head and then lower until your elbows are at a 90-degree angle. Use the heaviest weight you can safely handle for 5 reps.

Deadlift

According to weight lifting guru Mark Rippetoe, the deadlift is one of the core lifts integral to strength and also an ideal benchmark for assessing lower body strength progress. Start with your feet hip-width apart and a loaded barbell in front of you. Keeping your chest up, lats tight, and core engaged, lift the bar until you are standing upright. Use the heaviest weight you can safely handle for 5 reps. (You will get tired of me saying this by the end…) And yes, you never realize how bad your form is until you see it on film. Oops.

Back Squat

One of the most basic lifts, squatting with a bar across your shoulders not only tests your lower body strength but your balance as your core works to stabilize the weight. Stand under a loaded bar with your feet slightly wider than hip-width apart. Lower the bar onto your shoulders and squat down, sticking your butt out like you are sitting in a chair. Go until the tops of your thighs are parallel to the ground. Return to standing. Use the heaviest weight you can safely handle for 5 reps. (Or squat farther – full range of motion squats are all the rage right now and this is your test so make it how you want it!)

Timed Handstand

Handstands primarily test your balance and coordination but your shoulders and core will also get a powerful workout. Former gymnasts can just kick up to a handstand (and do a pirouette or two) but us mere mortals will probably want to kick up against a wall. Keep your abs and lats tight so your back doesn’t arch or bow. Hold the handstand as long as you can.

Wall Sit

Another torture device reminiscent of your high-school days, the wall sit isolates your quad muscles like nothing else. With your back to a wall, slide down to a seated position with the tops of your thighs parallel to the ground. Keep your hands off your legs and time how long you can hold it. (Don’t you just want to tickle Krista??)

Plank

The current Guinness Book of World Records record for plank is over a half an hour but all you need to do is beat your personal best to see how your core strength is improving. On your toes and either hands or elbows, keep your body in a straight line – every time you stick your butt up a Kardashian loses a “k”! – and see how long you can hold it.

Push-Ups

They may be one of the simplest of exercises – get in plank pose per the last slide and then lower down and push back up – but that doesn’t mean they’re not one of the most effective. There’s a reason why every military test uses them to assess shoulder, arm and core strength. Set one minute on a timer and see how many you can do! If you drop down to your knees be sure to note how many of each kind you do. (Beth standing on your back is optional. Allison’s just that tough.)

Graduated Tree Pose

Everybody’s favorite yoga pose (What? Down Dog is kinda hard on the wrists!), standing in tree pose may look relaxing but it’s a great way to test your balance. Begin in standard Tree Pose with one foot placed on the inside of the opposite leg. You can place your foot anywhere that is comfortable except directly on the knee joint. Hold your hands at heart center. Once you can hold Tree for 30 seconds, graduate to extending your arms above your head. Still too easy? Slowly tilt your head back and move your gaze upwards between your hands. Feeling on fire? Close your eyes. Time how long you can hold this.

Toe Touch

Flexibility is an under-appreciated aspect of fitness but it’s important for injury prevention and healthy muscles. Plus a good stretch feels awesome. Keeping your knees straight and your back as flat as possible, bend forward and reach for your toes. Assign yourself a point value based on how far you go. For instance, reaching your knees is 1 point. Your calves are two points. Ankles are three points. You get the idea.

Foursquare Drill

Agility is known to be important for soccer and basketball players but it’s also a key component of fitness for everyone. The ability to move quickly in any direction will not only help maintain joint integrity and enhance your mind-body connection but it also comes in handy if someone tries to snatch your purse at a crowded airport. Trust me on that last one. To do this test, set up two ropes (or draw two lines or use two towels) in an X. Count how many times you can jump in each quadrant consecutively in 10 seconds. Just like when you were a kid, if you touch the ropes you fall into hot lava.

Closed-Eyes Balancing

Experts say that people under 40 should be able to stand on one foot with their eyes closed for a minimum of 30 seconds without falling. Sadly it’s a lot harder than it looks. Seriously, just try it. Yes, now. And don’t laugh because then you won’t have a prayer!

Wall Jump

This plyometric drill will test your explosive power as you jump vertically next to a wall, touching it at your highest point. (This also tests your fear of running into walls. I’d like to say that has never happened to us. Yeah.) Either have a friend mark the point for you or use a landmark on the wall, like a brick line, to gauge your distance.

100 Yard Sprint

A short fast sprint is handy for testing your ability to run past your aerobic threshold. (This is also good in case your day job falls through and you need to go to your backup plan of trying out for the NFL. Can’t be too careful in this economy.) Mark off a short distance – if 100 yards isn’t practical just count one lap around the track or 5 lamposts on your street or whatever – and run as hard as you can. You should be running fast enough that you cannot sustain the effort past 30 or so seconds. Time how long it takes you.

Fast Mile

I’m not going to lie to you: Out of all the assessments on this list, I find this one the most painful. The test is easy – run a mile as fast as you can – but it hurts. But the good news is that running this fast and short will make your human growth hormone skyrocket and you’ll be torching fat for a good 24 hours afterwards. So it’s pain with a purpose. Plus it let Megan get her Jillian on. And no Allison didn’t punch her. This time.

Timed Jump Rope

As an alternative to the fast mile you can assess your cardio endurance by counting how many times you can jump rope in a specific amount of time. Set a timer and jump as quickly as you can! Warning: If you’ve had children, go to the bathroom first.

How do you assess the efficacy of your workouts? What would you add (because 17 things is clearly not enough data points)? Anyone else just love taking tests?? (Just me, then?)

“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault!” Phoebe’s second best song, right after the hair one. You know you laughed.

Motivational speakers are famous for saying things about leaning ladders against the right building or shooting arrows at the right target or marrying the right Kardashian when it comes to the importance of setting goals. (Some day you too could break your own sex swing! Whee!) I’d have the exact quote for you except that I’m too busy running around climbing ladders in shooting ranges and shooting arrows at reality stars. My point: I don’t have one. That’s kind of the problem.  I’m known for getting lost in the details and losing the big picture. Plus I find goal-making boring. (My other point: And I wonder why people don’t ask me to be a motivational speaker.)

But goal setting is important and fitness is a perfect example of why. Everyone knows somebody who’s been running the same 5-mile loop or doing the same weight routine for 10 years with little to show for it but shin splints or a bad back. Exercise can be one of those things that by its very nature is easy to do by rote to the point where you literally end up running in place. (Treadmill, anyone?) Reader Sam hit on this in her comment on my post ”Run, Eat, Don’t Repeat“:

 I love your blog and lurk often, though I personally don’t like eclectic/unspecific training and prefer to stick to my sport. I feel that’s my personal way to sanity: focus on performance (in my case, speed–I’m working on a sub-19:00 5k at the moment) instead of appearance. Focusing on how I feel is too nebulous for me, and I don’t love working out enough to do it purely for fun; I like competing. I guess you just enjoy the smorgasboard, eh? That is something I am curious about from time to time: your exercise goals. It seems hard to achieve anything big without focusing for more than a year on ONE thing.

First, huge kudos to Sam for her (I am assuming she is a girl but now that I type this I realize could be a boy?) goal. 5K in 19 minutes is a 6 minute/mile pace! I can’t even run one mile in six minutes much less 3.2 of them. (Once, before this latest round of Gym Babies was born*, Gym Buddy Allison and I ran a mile in 5:52 but since Jelly Bean was born my fastest time has been a 6:30. And it killed me. ) But as I admired her goal I realized that was her point: she can run that fast because she trains for it. I can’t run that fast because I don’t.

Here was my reply to her:

What are my exercise goals? My main one is to live a happy, healthy life. (Isn’t everyone’s?) But I do have smaller goals. They used to be more achievement oriented (like run a mile under 6 minutes, which would be cake for you!) but now they are more experience oriented (like I want to try aerial yoga, krav maga and durian fruit before I die). It’s true that my ADD approach to fitness rules out being really good at any one thing but for me personally I’ve decided that I’d rather be kind of good at many different things than great at one thing.

It’s a very real trade off and one that took me some time to figure out. Me being me, when I first started my fitness journey, I wanted to be the best! at! everything!! (Particularly ironic considering I have never in my life been the best at any sort of physical endeavor ever.) But over the years I’ve realized that the social and entertainment aspects of exercise are as important to me as the health benefits and to maintain a good balance of those, I had to give up the idea of ever accomplishing Something Big. Admittedly this wasn’t as hard for me to give up as it is for some people. I think those who have been close to Big or perhaps even were Big – which I never have nor was – have more of a need to keep striving for it. And the world needs people like that – the big dreamers, the ones who do the big things and inspire the rest of us. But that wasn’t me.

Still, letting go of the numbers felt a little bit like losing control. And I am, let’s be honest, a control freak. So while achieving Something Big is an important motivator for some people, learning to let it go was what was important for me. It was about recognizing that what I want and what I need are not always the same thing. It was about realizing that my kids’ dreams have to come first now. It was about swallowing my pride and recognizing that I’ll never be the fastest, strongest, thinnest or (cue frowny face) even the funniest.

Those of you who have read this blog for the past 5 years have seen that evolution in action and know all the growing pains involved. But sometimes I think I don’t say enough about all that I’ve gained from that small sacrifice. I’m so much happier – to infinity, and beyond! – than I was before. And I’m healthier too, both physically and mentally, which is what I was aiming for in the the first place. I’m not as skinny as I set out to be but instead of being sad about that I’ve learned that skinny is not a great goal. None of which is to say that it’s bad to be goal-oriented or to have big goals or to devote your life to a particular achievement. I’m only trying to say that it wasn’t right for me at this time.

But Sam’s question is still a great one. What are my fitness goals? As I was writing my post I realized that I can no longer separate my fitness goals from my life goals, both short term and long term. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. I want us to be good decent people that serve God and make a positive impact in our community. I also still want to try aerial yoga, krav maga and yeah, durian fruit is still on my list. So is a sub-6 mile. But just one. And I do want to improve my fitness. I want to be stronger and faster.

Sam also asked how I measure my progress in fitness. And I particularly like this part of the question because it reminds me to check which building my ladder is leaning up against while I’m still climbing it. There is a fitness test that the Gym Buddies and I do every 6 months or so to reevaluate and see if our workouts are doing good things for us. And tomorrow’s post is going to be all about what we test, how we test it and how ridiculous we can make ourselves look while we’re doing it!

In the meantime, what kind of fitness goals do you have? Do you prefer to work towards one big thing or do you take a more scattered approach? Anyone else hope that Kris Jenner doesn’t allow the two youngest Kardashians to watch their own reality show?

*Since she announced it on Facebook, I think it’s all right to share the good news: Gym Buddy Allison is preggo! She’s just finishing up her first tri and makes pregnancy look amazing!

Haven’t you heard of an ear thermometer!?

Gasp. This is not the first noise you want to hear when your baby is born. “What? What’s wrong?!” I struggled to sit up as best as a woman who’s just had her entire abdomen rearranged like a Rubik’s cube can do. Nurses, doctors, husband – all were staring at the baby I’d just popped out.  Finally someone answered me. “Nothing’s wrong,” the doctor said handing me my second son. “Except you just gave birth to a 3-month old.” At nearly eleven pounds he never even wore newborn clothes.

I have a lot of experience with fat babies. While Son #2 was my largest, sons #1 and #3 weren’t far behind at 9 and 10 pounds, respectively. Even Jelly Bean, so unbelievably tiny to us, was 8.5 pounds. And since I know someone is wondering, no I didn’t have gestational diabetes, 3 out of the 4 were not overdue and I was not overweight when I conceived nor when I gave birth. It’s just genetics. (Any single girls reading this, my advice to you: when you start dating a new guy, don’t worry about his job or hair loss or whether he has a unicorn fetish – ask him how much he weighed and how big his head was at birth. You can always switch jobs but trust me when I tell you that pushing out a bowling ball will scar you forever.) As my kids grew bigger, they have mostly stayed larger than average. All of which means I’ve had 10 years of practicing my polite smile – just one eye crinkle away from my assassin smile, FYI – while people have commented on my babies’ bigness.

Robert Duffy, president of Marc Jacobs, is getting a taste of what I’ve been going through. In a recent interview he talks about his 6-month-old daughter that he recently adopted with his husband Alex:

“Our biggest fight was that she was getting really heavy,” says Duffy. “I’d say, ‘She is being overfed.’ He’d say, ‘No she’s not, all babies are fat.’ Then I took her to the park one day and had her on a swing, and this lady said to me, ‘Why don’t you let your baby walk?’ I said that she can’t walk yet and she was like, ‘Oh, I am so sorry.’ The lady thought she was two years old. I came home and was like, ‘Alex, she is eating too much.’” They consulted her pediatrician and stopped feeding Victoria milk at night. “I keep saying childhood obesity starts in infancy, and Alex says, ‘So does anorexia.’”

Dun-dun-dun! It’s the Fat Baby Paradox! Everyone run hysterically in circles! Grab the smelling salts before Anna Wintour gets a case of the vapors! Poll strangers on CNN.com! But seriously, eating disorders and obesity all in the same fraught conversation. And it’s not just a conversation for Hollywood types anymore*.

After I got over my confusion about why they were feeding Victoria milk at night in the first place (6-month old babies shouldn’t be drinking milk at all), I had to giggle imagining Robert and Alex having this argument because it so perfectly encapsulates the societal confusion at large (ahem) over big babies:

Babies are supposed to be fat! And yet babies and young children can be too fat to the point it harms their development.

Babies are naturally good at self-regulating food intake – they’re the gold standard of intuitive eaters! But only when they’re being fed properly – who knows if this is true for scientifically proven addictive foods like Girl Scout cookies.

Bigger babies tend to be healthier babies – the babies with the worst health outcomes are the teeny tiny ones! But there is a difference between a baby chunked out on breast milk and one sucking down French fries as a first food.

And let’s not forget how squishably fun dimply chubby baby thighs are! I have no retort to that – baby thighs are a work of art! As are tushies!

So what’s a parent to do? Especially when pediatricians are sounding the alarm at new-parent visits. Mathew Gillman, a Hardvard pediatrician and epidemiologist, says, “Excess or accelerated weight gain even in the first four or six months of life may be setting up kids for overweight, for higher blood pressure, maybe even for asthma over the first years in childhood.” But nobody is advocating putting baby on a diet either. Most pediatricians these days are keeping an eye on the child’s growth charts (are their height and weight staying proportional?) rather than going by weight alone. Although even that can be tricky as Gym Buddy Krista (who is also a doula and in grad school when she’s not answering my hysterical texts about how I made cookies this weekend with cream that was so expired I might as well have used bleu cheese. And then tried to cover up by making “frosting” out of chocolate chips and coconut extract which made the chocolate seize and made my cookies both smelly and ugly, pretty much ensuring none of you will ever show up at my house for dinner. ANYHOW.) points out that the charts are calibrated for formula-fed babies and breast-fed babies often follow a different growth arc.

For myself, just like I think a pregnant woman’s weight gain should be between her and her doctor, I think that other people’s baby’s weights are not my business so I stick to gushing about how cuddly and adorable and wizened (right??) their infants look. (Exception: I have been known to squee over delicious chubby cheeks and try to nom them. And if that’s wrong I don’t ever want to be right.) Similarly I try to tune out people’s comments about my own babies. But it’s hard in a culture as weight-obsessed as ours. The scrutiny starts the second you announce you’re pregnant – oh look! The tabloids have already determined that preggo Hillary Duff is “healthy” while Jessica Simpson is “so fat she’s unrecognizable” – and while we all know that moms are even more pressured after giving birth, now it’s extending to their babies as well?

What’s your take: Do you worry about babies getting too fat? Would you ever comment on a friend’s baby’s weight? A stranger’s baby’s? Anyone else think comparing H.Duff and J.Simp is abhorrent??

This is my friend Tania. When I first met her, I was incredibly jealous. I’ll admit it. This picture doesn’t do her justice – she could easily win Miss Universe she’s that gorgeous. And she’s had two kids. But then I got to know her and she’s one of those rare types that are as kind as they are beautiful and all the jealousy evaporated. (Also, one of my talents in life is being able to get over emotions very quickly. Sure it makes birthday parties less fun but I never stay mad!) My curiosity, however, stayed. I’d see her and wonder how she did it – if it was just great genes or iron willpower or something else. And then when I posted something on Facebook asking people for their experiences with Zumba, I got my answer.

And it wasn’t just her answer, it was the answer for a lot of women! Many people talk about exercise in general being life-changing for them – certainly has been for me! – but it is the rare workout that people credit specifically for saving their lives. CrossFit, martial arts and yoga are the ones that come immediately to mind but in my research for a Shape.com piece, I kept coming across another one and it surprised me: Zumba.

I’m not sure if it’s the freedom to be sexy or the freedom to dance without having to be sexy. Or maybe it’s the cameraderie? The fun moves? The super cute skirts?? (I want one of those hip jangly things SO BAD.) I’ve done Zumba myself and really loved it – I’d do it regularly if my gym offered a class at any other time than the middle of the day on Saturday – but it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what makes it so transformative for so many women. And transformative it is: the women who shared their stories for my article cited Zumba for everything from helping them overcome depression/anxiety (Mrs. Fatass!) to assimilate into a new culture like Tania to gaining confidence like these two gorgeous ladies:

Cassie & Anna getting their Zumba groove on!

Any of you do Zumba? What was your experience like it? Check out my slideshow on Shape and my article on why you don’t need mad dance skillz to love Zumba and tell me what it is about Zumba that makes it so different than other cardio classes??  (And for any of you feeling left out of the Zumba love, not everyone falls hard for it. Turbo Jennie is a certified Zumba instructor and yet she’ll be the first to tell you that it is definitely not her groove.)

Zumba aside, do you have a particular workout (or type of workout) that you would say changed your life?

Other stuff I wrote this week:

Are the benefits of barefoot running worth the risks? (Yeah. Kinda. Sorta. Really depends on who you ask….)

8 Benefits of High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)

10 arguments not worth having with your kids

Great Mom Debate: Do you let your kids spend their gift money however they choose? (Behold the plague of Pokemon….)

Why French and Chinese Parents are Mean – And why I want to be just like them! (No seriously, Paula Druckerman’s new book Bringing Up Bebe: sounds really awesome. And I don’t usually get excited about new parenting books.)

How generous is the tooth fairy at your house? (This is one childhood tradition I really hate. We’re paying them money for used teeth! If they grow up to harvesting kidneys in a bathtub of ice we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.)

Whitney Houston on the soundtrack of my childhood. (It was like one of those crazy writing assignments they give you in college: Whitney Houston. Eulogy. Related to parenting. 400 words or less. GO! Eesh. And it’s true: I’ve never seen “The Bodyguard.”)

My favorite reader questions are the ones that you think would have a simple answer and yet instead of just saying “yes” or “no” I take the opportunity to turn it into a story all about me and only tangentially address their question. Today’s question in part 4 of my Help a Reader Out (by giving them better advice that I do) series is from Angie who writes,

“Hey, have you ever tried a Neti pot? My doctor told me to try it for my recurring sinus infections but I’m weirded out by the whole idea of pouring water up my nose.”

Dear Angie,

First, pouring water up your nose is weird so kudos to you for a totally rational reaction. Second, I feel inclined to tell you that the research on Neti pots is quite mixed. Many holistic doctors swear by them for curing everything from allergies to infections but newer research shows that using them long term may actually backfire, giving you more sinus problems that you started out with. (Maybe our noses are like our stomachs and they need some bacteria living in them?) Either way however, that’s not what you asked me. You asked if I have ever tried one. And the answer to that is yes. Exactly once.

Charlotte’s Adventure With the Neti Pot (From 2010, shortly after my baby was born)

Like most things that end up with bodily fluids all over my floors, I blame this on my kids. Jelly Bean, specifically. While everyone knows that there are many things you can’t ingest while you’re pregnant, nobody bothers to tell you that not only do those restrictions continue after your little hitchhiker has caught the last umbilical train out of your uterus but they actually increase if you decide to let them continue on to Hooterville.

I’m not trying to knock breastfeeding – I’m happy that I’m making my kids smarter, healthier, and better at bra-fitting (you’d think, right?) – but it sucks (ha!) when it comes to what you can’t eat. Not only has Jelly Bean weaned me off of all foods containing dairy but when I got all congested this last weekend I couldn’t even take any medicine (antihistamines can apparently dry up the boob juice). So in desperation I turned to a non-medicinal remedy: the Neti pot. (Why am I capitalizing Neti? I have no idea. Jelly Bean has RSV and I’m so sleep deprived that random capitalization should be the least of your worries. Someone really needs to take away my car keys, is what I’m saying.)

For those of you uninitiated in the ways of sinus flushing, a Neti pot is a little teapot that you fill with salt water and then tilting your head to the side, you pour the water up your nose until it comes out the other nostril. Yes it does feel like you are drowning in the Dead Sea – but only briefly. That is if things go according to plan which with me they never do.

Deceptively adorable, no??

My first attempt had me choking and gagging as the saline ran down my throat. I thought that this must be because my head was too high so I tilted it down further over the sink for the second go-round. IT CAME OUT MY EYE. I inhaled salt water through my nose and squirted it out of my eye socket, people. I know this sounds like the best party trick ever but I cannot tell you how disturbed by this I was. And not just because I wear contacts that were now burning from the inside.

It turns out that if your nasal passages are completely blocked, as mine apparently were, the water will do as water does and follow the path of least resistance out. MY EYE. So I did what I do naturally – which was run around shrieking. After a brief Facebook consultation with Gym Buddy Jeni who is so cool that she not only snorts salt water but adds zinc and colloidal silver to her Neti (blinged out sinuses! Take that Lil’ Wayne with your wimpy grill!) I blew my nose and tried again. This time it worked. If by worked you mean that I became the world’s grossest water fountain.

When I finished my masochistic ritual, I expected that all the snot would be cleaned out and I would be able to breathe unmolested. Wrong again. The human body produces way more boogers than you’d think. Instead of being the After woman on an Allegra commercial, I was now a walking slug leaving a trail of slime as I moped around my house. (Gym Buddy Dennis was so grossed out when I posted that lovely visual that he couldn’t eat lunch!) And to top it all off, my sinuses actually felt more inflamed than when I started.

It was at this point I decided to stop using my Internet powers to gross out random strangers and put them to their official use: Googling medical symptoms until I become hysterical. I looked up the Neti pot hoping to find other similar slug stories but instead found WebMD’s entirely non-hysterical article “Do Neti Pots Work?” The short answer is yes. Not only have they been around for centuries but research backs up people’s claims that it help alleviate with sinus pain, headaches, colds and allergies. Increased congestion can be a temporary side effect although WebMD assured me that it would go away with repeated use. So I did it again the next day (which was yesterday for those of you keeping count) and today I can breathe freely – through exactly one nostril. Partial victory!

My advice Angie? Just never get sick. Everything’s easier that way.

Any of you use a Neti pot? Any advice for Angie about sinus infections? And is this pic not the grossest picture you’ve ever seen?!

Swanky restaurant (read: menu I can’t afford to look at much less order from), all gussied up (read: hair, makeup and heels!) and in good company (read: my hot husband and some of our friends): the stage was perfectly set for a romantic (read: child-free) Valentine’s dinner. So when one of our friends leaned back in his chair and sighed contentedly I did not expect him to say, “You know what I think about every time I order a delicious drink? Charlotte and how she wrote that post about never drinking her calories!”

“That’s what I live for, to guilt my friends via my own neuroses!” And we all toasted to that.

You’ll be relieved to know that the talk quickly turned to enemas so the ambiance was saved.

Sarcastic as he may be, my friend has a point. I don’t like drinking much of anything other than herbal tea and water. Soda, for whatever reason, has never tasted good to me and being LDS I obviously steer clear of anything alcoholic. But this quirk (it’s not a bug, it’s a feature!) also extends to the wide wonderful world of sports drinks. I don’t like them. But lots of other people do and so when two separate readers e-mailed me about all the new-fangled sports drinks coming out I figured, hey, two makes a trend, right? So for installment three of this week’s Help a Reader Out series, we’re talking libations.

Coconut Water

Water’s great for us. We’re all clear (both in mind and in pee) on this point. But what has nature provided for those occasions where you do need a drink with some calories and carbs? Enter coconut water, so beloved for its medicinal properties that a whole song was written about it. I mean, that’s what “Coconut Woman” is all about right??

Writes Reader Julie, “coconut water! augh! its absolutely ubiquitous right now. i finally caved to the peer pressure, and find myself a (surprised) fan. i feel like its relatively filling (like, waaaaay more filling than special k protein shakes and slim fast, e.g.), relatively low cal, and it has some minerals (more potassium than a banana!). ive been using it as a breakfast replacement or a snack (and intend to use it in lieu of low-cal vitamin waters/gatorades after long/intense workouts (um, when i get back in the swing of things with those …. ahem …. ). so …. am i being placeboed? is this just empty calories and cognitive dissonance has set in and ive justified it with the whole ‘mineral’ argument combined with the fact that i live in the middle of a big city and have little access to fresh produce so a food item that provides vitamin-ish benefits that mimic actual food (and fits conveniently in your purse without bruising!) appeals to me like you wouldnt believe?”

In short, no Julie, I don’t think you are being “placeboed” (best new word ever!!). While research has failed to support some of the more outrageous claims made about coconut water, there is a reason island cultures call it “the water of life.” Thanks to it’s high mineral content (especially potassium and iron) it can replenish better than plain water. It possesses a large amount of cytokinins which are proving very promising in early research. It has even been used as a saline solution in blood transfusions in people in an emergency. It’s also relatively low-cal and low in sugar. Although in my mind its biggest benefit is that plain coconut water is a whole, natural food.

There are some downsides however. Most of us don’t live in a place where we can shimmy up a coconut tree (which I’ve heard is waaay harder than it looks?) and crack open a cold one after a nice workout. Which would probably be warm being near the equator. ANYHOW. It’s expensive. And, forgive me, but I think the plain stuff tastes icky. It’s not horrible but I wouldn’t call it delicious. But if you buy the flavored varieties then you are losing the unprocessed nature of it and gaining artificial flavors and sugars.

Do  you guys have any advice for Julie? Is coconut water overhyped? Have you tried it?

“

I think this guy is on to something: he just condensed the whole eat-exercise cycle down to one picture-perfect moment of glory! 

You need to eat to live. You also need to exercise to live. But do you eat and exercise to live or do you live to eat and exercise? Silly question but it’s a fine line, easily crossed, from the former to the latter. Especially for those of us compulsive types who tend to think that if some is good then more must always be better. You don’t have to have read this blog for very long to know that I have struggled for years with finding this balance. And while I’m light years better than I used to be, I still have a long ways to go. Which is why this e-mail brought tears to my eyes.

Today in installment two of Help a Reader Out Week, we have a heartbreaking question about breaking the vicious run-eat-run cycle. The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes,

“hey…you probably won’t read this but if you have time i hope you can help me. i run a lot. people think that i must love running because i run all the time but i hate running. hate hate hate. basically i run because i eat too much (well i think i eat too much) and at least this way i can eat dessert. i just have to run it off later. but sometimes i have to run in the dark or twice a day though and i know that’s not good. how do i quit eating-running-eating-running-eating…you know? p.s. i love your blog!”

Dear Anon,

First, thank you! And second, boy howdy do I know where you are coming from. I too used to be stuck in the same cycle of eating, feeling guilty about eating and then exercising to relieve the guilt (and the calories). Sometimes I’d even up the ante and run a little extra so I’d have permission to eat something “bad” later on. Eventually it got really confusing though, trying to remember if I was running to atone for a dietary sin or running in anticipation of one so I just figured I’d run as much as possible (and then some) to cover all my caloric bases. Oh and I’d better throw in some weights too because I don’t want to lose muscle! And yoga, everyone says yoga is good for you! And kickboxing, because it’s fun!

And that, friends, is the short version of how I ran myself into amenorrhea, hypothyroidism, gaining 10 pounds and insanity. Oh and I also ran myself right into eating disorder treatment. Don’t be me, sweetie.

Here’s how not to be me (or how to break the eat-run-repeat cycle of living):

1. Stop weighing yourself. You didn’t mention a scale but I’d bet the $200 I didn’t get not passing go that you are weighing yourself once a day, minimum. Those numbers are a) crazy and b) will make you crazy. Your weight can fluctuate by pounds in a single day and exercising to keep the scale happy is a losing proposition. There isn’t any easy way to do this one except to just do it.

2. Realize that you do not need permission to eat. You don’t have to earn your calories. You’re a beautiful person worthy of eating just by virtue of existing. Even if you do nothing but sit on your butt, you have earned the right to eat and to eat food that is enjoyable.

3. Eating is not good or bad. It’s a survival skill. Despite what all those yogurt commercials say, you are not a sinner for eating a piece of raspberry cheesecake. Nor are you a saint for eating a salad.

4. Eating can make your body feel good or bad and it’s that sensation you need to learn to listen to. Intuitive Eating (Geneen Roth style) was a life-saver for me but there are lots of ways to do this.

5. Exercise is not punishment. You should find a way to move your body that you enjoy. While no exercise is 100% fun 100% of the time, I’m convinced everyone can find a way to be active that is challenging, fulfilling and mostly fun. If you hate running, please don’t run! (And to my readers who love running – you keep on running, I don’t mean you!) Dance, hike, bike or join a synchronized swim team (and then tell me how they get all that makeup to stay on in the pool!) but find something you love.

I have done all 5 of these things myself – sometimes multiple times (yay for slow learners!) – and I can tell you that you absolutely can escape the vicious cycle that you are in. It will mean tolerating a certain amount of pain and anxiety as you adjust to this new way of thinking but you can do it and it’s worth doing. You don’t realize how captive you are until you are finally free! Trust me. It’s more beautiful on this side of things than I ever could have imagined. Oh, and because I know you are thinking it, I did not gain a bunch of weight when I quit over-exercising. Indeed, I lost five pounds (of the 10 I gained) and have maintained this weight within a pound for a year and a half now. Even after having a baby!

But don’t just take my word for it. Check out this sweet comment that Dusker recently left on my post about my Rachel Cosgrove Experiment. (In case you forgot, it entailed dropping 90% of my cardio, all of my running and focusing on lifting heavy. It worked wonders for me! And I only ended up working out 30-45 minutes a day.)

She writes,

“Charlotte,
I would like to thank you for all these experiments and especially for your “oversharing”–which has helped me more than you can know. I am just finishing Month 1 of the Rachel Cosgrove plan and you are the reason I decided to give it a try. I was deathly afraid–and I mean terrified–of dropping steady state cardio. If I ran less than 6 miles I thought it was a lame workout and I’d run AND do a cardio class on most days. After reading your blog I thought, well, I’m sort of crazy about exercise but I’m not as crazy as HER (no offense), and if she did it then it’s worth a try. So thanks! I am a convert! Dropping steady state cardio did not result in a 10lb. weight gain–actually, I haven’t weighed myself (so who knows) but my clothes fit so much better that I don’t care. Major difference in butt and thighs even after just Phase 1. I do the weight plan 3 days a week and do Tabata sprints on two of the off days and I still do my kickbox/bootcamp class 2x week on off days as well.

I also swtiched my eating up to incorporate some of Mark Sisson’s ideas, but I would say my plan is basically, “eat more of what Mark Sisson says to eat but don’t forbid my favorites”. I still eat Gummy Bears once a week. So far this has been very satisfying and seems sustainable–unlike my previous plan of starve for 2 months, look great for 2 weeks and then slowily gain the weight back over the next 2 months and . . . repeat cycle. . .. all the while increasing the amount of cardio I was doing and the time I spent at the gym which means less time with my kids.

It took your example of taking this leap to give me the courage to try it and I am fairly certain that it was probably harder for you to take this leap than most people. So thanks again.”

If anonymous made me cry a little out of sadness then Dusker made me weep a little from joy! I love it when people find a healthy way to eat and workout that works for their body. Also, Dusker, I’m totally not offended – I wear my crazy on my sleeve and will totally own being nuttier than most squirrels. And I love gummy bears almost as much as I love jelly beans!

So now I ask you guys – what advice do you have for anonymous? Anyone else get stuck in the run, eat, repeat cycle?

*I am aware that there is a running blog with a name similar to this but this post in no way references that blog. I’ve never read it and this is not a commentary on it. Side note: I think there should be a random blog name generator that spits out three fitness related words in an eat-pray-love effect. It’s like Mad Lib for health bloggers!

Why did the Tupperware Fairy never become A Thing? Come on, she’s awesome! And – zing! – just found my next Halloween costume. They should have given her a Tupperware Tiara though.

I could pretend that I got really backed up on my e-mail because I’m just that popular or I could ‘fess up to getting addicted to my new trivia/crossword puzzle book (nerdgasm!). (I should also note it’s hard to reply to e-mails when I’ve got a Jelly Bean permanently attached to my hip. While adorable*, she does make typing difficult.) So I’m dedicating this week to answering all the awesome, interesting, hilarious and sometimes downright weird questions that have been piling up in my inbox. I’ll do my best to give my uneducated answer but what I’m really hoping is that all you smart people will help these readers out as well in the comments!

Reader Gina wants to know all about meal timing and workouts. Is it important? Do I do it? Should she do it? What do I eat before a workout? (Forgive me for paraphrasing.)

True story: I used to be a Tupperware lady. No, not the kind that stand in the mall and sell brown and orange plastic pitchers that I swear are the exact same ones I grew up with as a tot in the 80′s. Rather I was the kind of Tupperware lady who toted little plastic tubs full of carefully portioned chicken breast, brown rice and spinach every where I went. Because I was that neurotic about my meal timing. One of the first fitness books I read had a lengthy explanation about how I should never go more than three hours without eating and gave special instructions for meals that were right before a workout or right after one. Protein, carbohydrates and fats had to be perfectly balanced or I’d enter a catabolic state where my muscles would eat themselves and I’d ruin all my hard work in the gym. (And also become a self-sustaining zombie which now that I think about it might be kind of genius.)

It made me nuts. And I’m nuts to begin with so that’s saying a lot.

So then I quit doing all of that. And I still have muscles. That’s my short answer.

Here’s my slightly longer opinion:

There are two groups of people who have a good reason to worry about meal timing and macronutrient ratios in relation to their workouts:

1. People who are training for a specific event like Michael Phelps for the Olympics (anyone else super excited for the summer Olympics in London this year??) or a bodybuilder during competition season.

2. People who are working out hard for longer than 60-90 minutes at a time.

These folks are pushing their bodies really hard and often at a very high level so small tweaks in their nutrition could make a big difference in their chosen sport. And especially for people like triathletes who are working out hard for hours at a time, meal timing is a critical health matter.

So where does that leave the rest of us non-Phelpsian folks? The scientific literature does show some advantage in certain aspects of meal timing . For example, Rachel Cosgrove recommends chugging a protein shake within 15 minutes of finishing a weight-lifting workout because studies have shown that it helps build muscle and increase recovery.  But for me it all comes down to how I feel. In my totally unscientific experiment of one – will the anecdote party please report to the front desk, your flight is about to take off!  - the differences in my muscles and how I look and perform are negligible.

But how I eat does make a difference in how I feel during my workout. When we were doing the Rachel Cosgrove Great Fitness Experiment I liked having the protein shakes because I felt like it stabilized my blood sugar and I didn’t get shaky after a workout. I kept up taking them until I got too lazy to wash out my blender every day.

On the other hand, there’s the breakfast debate. Many people will tell you to eat a hearty breakfast before you hit the gym. But there’s also a lot of research about fasted-state cardio (i.e. doing cardio on a stomach that’s been empty overnight) and while some studies do show a slight increase in fat burning, the most recent research seems to show that any effect on body composition is slight. Since I couldn’t find a clear conclusion in the research I just go with how I feel. And how I feel working out after a big breakfast is like puking. So since I do my workouts in the morning I eat something small like a piece of fruit or on some days, nothing at all. (Don’t fret – I still love my big breakfasts! I just either eat them very early if wake up on time or I eat it after I finish my workout.)

To make matters even more confusing, how I feel often changes from one day to the next (or, to be more precise, from one time of the month to the next, blargh) and so what I do is not always consistent. If I’m hungry, I’ll eat. If I’m not, I don’t. What I’m trying to do here is give you permission to just do what feels good to you. Unless you have a specific reason to worry about fine-tuning your body then in my experience this type of thing can take up too much mental space for the sake of very small outward gains.

Now, I turn it over to you guys! Help Gina out – Am I being too cavalier to not worry about meal timing? What strategy have you found works best for you? What’s your favorite summer Olympic event?

*Totally random aside: Jelly Bean has started talking in sentences and it never fails to crack me up. She calls her boots “boops” and  she says “bipped” for zipped when she wants her coat zipped up. So now before we can leave the house she demands – in her most serious face – “Mommy! I need booped and bipped!!” The first time she said it I laughed until I cried. Obviously my kid is the cutest kid ever. Or I’m easily entertained. Or both.

They forgot “Relocated by toddler to inside piano bench.”  

Personally I think he rocks the heck out of this pose. This is why #awesomesauce was invented.

I love me a good weight-loss story! I’m convinced they’re our modern version of the morality play, fairy tale and fable all in one (Greek Chorus at no extra charge!). But here’s the thing about me: being a recoverING eating disordered girl, reading weight-loss stories can be very triggering for me and so I generally avoid them. But this past week for Shape I got to do a different type of weight-loss story: it still has all the happily ever afters but these all include a “messy middle” – the part that many people don’t like to share. I found 8 extraordinary bloggers however that are amazing not for their weight loss but for all the life events they had to survive while trying to eat healthier and exercise.

Weight loss doesn’t happen in a vacuum unless you are on The Biggest Loser (or literally live in a vacuum but that would be weird… ah, I has a tired) and these 8 bloggers prove that life doesn’t stop just because you’re trying to overhaul it. One blogger lost her mother/best friend in a horrific accident. Another had to deal with past sexual violence. Another decided to get bariatric surgery and to actually be open about all of it. And one blogger ripped my heart out (in a good way) when he wrote about losing weight so he and his wife could conceive a baby – only to lose that baby halfway through the pregnancy. These are real people opening up their lives and showing what it’s like to lose weight when you don’t have a team of doctors, nutritionists and personal trainers. And they do it magnificently. The living, that is. Honestly by the end of their stories, I could care less about their weight loss. That is just one teeeeny little part of the big life they are living. As it should be. Check out their stories: Most Inspirational Weight-Loss Bloggers I promise it will be a highlight of your day!

How do you guys feel about weight-loss stories – love? hate? Love to hate?

And, in the world of other things I’ve written recently:

Fitness Stuff

Top 10 Health Blogs Written by Pros

Edible Cosmetics Redefine Inner Beauty

Zumba? Me? I’m an awful Dancer! (You have to read this one just to see the pic of my gorgeous friends Anna & Cassie!)

8 Benefits of High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT me baby, one more time!)

Parenting Stuff

Why I Fired My Son’s Pediatrician (And How it Saved his Life) (This one still stops my heart)

Foreign Parents are Mean – And why I want to be mean too

New Research Says School Lunches Aren’t To Blame For Childhood Obesity – You Are.

Why Moms Can’t Get Sick (Seriously, we’re not allowed. It’s like a rule and everything.)

Gwyneth Paltrow Still Bathes With Her Elementary School-Aged Kids – Would You?

When Babies Get Messy: Which do you grab first – a towel or a camera?

The Moment I Realized I Never Gave My Mom Enough Credit

Top 10 Things My Kids Say That Make Me Feel Guilty

Great Mom Debate: Is it harder having 1 child or 9? This mom’s answer will surprise you.

Confession: I don’t know how to play with my kids

From now on I’m sticking to sugar as my pre-race pep. Jelly beans are happy pills indeed.

Bad news bodybuilders: dimethylamylamine (DMAA) may be responsible for the deaths of two soldiers, according to the U.S. Army. Eh, just another day and another story about a sports supplement gone wrong? Not for me. This story hit me hard. Probably because I have some DMAA in my cabinet as we speak.

You may not recognize DMAA by acronym alone but it’s also known as Asian geranium extract and it’s found in some of the most popular – and most effective – supplements on the market like J3cked (pronounced “jacked” in case you don’t want to look like an idiot in front of the GNC salesman like I did) and OxyElite Pro. I’ve taken both. While I hate J3cked and steer clear of it – it was part of the cocktail I took that, forgive me – jacked me up, and made me puke my way through a ten-mile race a year and a half ago – OxyElite Pro is a different story.

I don’t remember how I came by my first pill. Friends (and smart ones, even) of all fitness stripes – bodybuilders, racers, triathletes – swear by the stuff. Someone along the line gave me one and while it made me feel awful, it did really work for me. I had a ton of energy, I recovered faster, I could focus better and it didn’t give me that jagged high-then-crash that plain caffeine does. It also gave me heart palpitations, excessive sweating, hot flashes, whole body shakes and waves of nausea.

There’s a reason for all that: It’s an amphetamine derivative, deemed more potent than even ephedrine. You know what they make out of ephedrine? METH. You remember the scandal over ephedra/ma-huang killing people a decade ago? This stuff is five times more potent. In addition to being illegal in Canada and the European Union, “the World Anti-Doping Authority, the international body that regulates drug use by Olympic athletes, and several professional sports leagues have listed DMAA as a banned stimulant.” If I were an Olympic athlete I’d have been kicked out. Thank goodness I’m just a stupid suburban soccer mom! Phew, dodged that bullet!

While I liked the results, the side effects kept me from using it on a regular basis – I can’t even remember the last time I took one – but I kept the bottle around for those few occasions where I felt like I really needed the extra kick. Here’s the thing though: I didn’t know any of this when I bought it. I have more friends than I have fingers that use this stuff all the time and I’m pretty sure they don’t know either. How is it that I am allowed to walk into any GNC and buy amphetamines right off the shelf as a “sports supplement”? This blows my mind.

I remember the last time I bought a bottle of OxyElite Pro and the GNC guy commended me, telling me that in his opinion this was the best fat burner on the market. We went back and forth about the various uses for it and the side effects but never once did it come up that this wasn’t just some herbal caffeine-ish supp I was popping, like I thought. And USP Labs, the manufacturer, has all this research and science-y stuff on their site saying how safe and effective it is. Seriously how innocent does “geranium leaf” sound?

Yet the Army says in addition to “heart events”, it also has reports of liver and kidney failure, seizures, loss of consciousness and rapid heartbeat from DMAA toxicity.

My bottle has 30 pills in it. I have 26 left. And since I only take one at a time (the recommended dosage is two in the morning, one in the afternoon but one alone made me feel so freaky I never dared take more) that means there were four occasions in the past year or so that I put my life – and my children’s mother’s life – on the line for the sake of some minor athletic enhancement.

I’m stupid. I’ll own it. I’m the one who bought the pills. But at the same time, I did my research. I read countless reviews online, peppered the salesman with questions and read everything that the manufacturer put out about it, including all the warnings, and I never got any sense of what this stuff really was. I actually thought I was doing the smart thing by going with something “natural” and avoiding all the crazy diet pills out there. Lesson learned: “natural” means nothing.

For their part, USP Labs released a statement saying that their product has been proven safe if taken correctly. And who knows how those soldiers were using it? My friends that use it seem less affected by it than I was. At least none of them have ever mentioned the shakiness or nausea like I had (although everyone seems to get the sweats).

Still, I’m angry. At them. At myself. At the salespeople. At the FDA that doesn’t monitor supplements. At the society that has programmed me to reject my unvarnished best. But mostly at myself.

The pills are in the trash now. I’m sticking with jelly beans from here on out. (Which, by the by, my most favoritest SweeTart jelly beans are now also being sold for Valentine’s day. Good news or bad news? Magic PMS ball says “yes.”)

So, anyone else used this stuff? What has your experience been? Am I being hysterical or does this scare the ever-loving crap out of you too? What are your “happy pills”?