This, my friends, is the Rear Naked Choke in action. (I think, feel free to correct me if it isn’t.) Clearly Golem in front is not amused but the guy in back is totally laughing. See? Funny.

The Rear Naked Choke Hold came back to haunt me tonight. There I was, sitting in on a jujitsu demonstration as part of my attempt to try out every program Lifetime Fitness offers before my month in fit heaven expires, when I was yet again the only person in the entire room snickering like a 12-year-old boy*. For the record, it’s called “naked” because it means the person doing the submission hold isn’t using anything but their arm to do the choking portion of the program. And it’s still really really funny. I know, I know this is serious windpipe-crushing stuff and MMA fighters are some of the best athletes on the planet. (Truly, they are.) And yet: go stand in front of the mirror and try to say “I’m going to mount you and put you in a rear naked choke hold until you submit” with a straight face. Can’t be done. (And no this was not a live reading of 50 Shades of Grey although if you haven’t seen it yet you must check out Ellen’s reading. Hilarious! And clean!)

Anyhow, my point. As I sat watching what was a very impressive jujitsu demonstration I realized all over again how many things that we do in a gym environment totally wouldn’t fly anywhere else. Just this morning, for instance, as I tried to work out the knot in my right butt cheek courtesy of my corrective exercises by rolling all over a medicine ball, I felt someone looking at me. Someone who was waiting for the ball. Sheepishly I rolled it over and mumbled, “Sorry, I’m done molesting it now. Your turn!” Or the time I had an entire conversation with a friend while I held bridge pose (lay on your back, hips up in the air like you’re petitioning the Goddess of Fertility) and neither one of us so much as blinked. Context is king.

And hey, what happens in the gym stays in the gym, right? (No, no it doesn’t actually. But that’s a post for another day.) But there’s one area that I do have a really hard time transitioning from gym to street and vice versa: my workout clothes. No it’s not a fashion issue (at least not that anyone has told me) but rather one of propriety. In case you haven’t noticed, gym clothes take the definition of “clothes” a lot looser than, say, sportswear. (Okay, what is “sportswear” anyhow? I always hear about it in couture collections – as in “This is Balenciaga’s sportswear line! OOh! Aah!” – and yet they never look the least bit sporty. At all. I don’t get it.)

Like a lot of girls, I usually wear super-tight capri leggings to workout in and while many of those girls seem to be totally comfortable heading to the preschool recital still wearing them, I always feel a little… exposed. It’s weird – it doesn’t bother me a bit in the gym but drop me in the middle of a suburban Target store and all of sudden I get shy. I mean, it kinda looks like you left the house in your tights and forgot your skirt, right? Then there are gym shorts in all their various permutations: running, split, booty, compression, bike and missing. (True story: once saw a guy at my gym cycling in a polo shirt, tighty-whities and black dress socks. Sorry, enough with the random asides.)

Before you call me a prude, I’m not the only person who has these qualms. Several schools and colleges have banned their students from wearing “yoga pants” and one school even famously banned the students’ moms from lolling about in their Lulus in the carpool line because they were “too revealing.” Some women deny that the pants show any more than other clothes but the fact that there’s even a whole website dedicated to girls wearing yoga pants (note: if you click through you will want to punch someone in the face within 5 seconds) makes me think they’re in the minority. Here, let Kim K demonstrate the perils of Kapris for you:

This is also a good demo of how gray is so much less flattering than black. Although I still own a pair.

There’s also the flipside: while the pants may show too much of a pretty young thing, they also show too much of, well, the rest of the population. Poor Bryce Dallas Howard got eviscerated this past weekend for daring to wear yoga pants out of the house and not be a size 0. (The woman JUST popped out a BABY for pete’s sake. Post-partum women get a total pass on yoga pants. And pajama pants. Heck, I loved anything with an elastic waist.)

Image and exceptional commentary from Jezebel

For myself, I have come to a strange compromise that involves so many layers that it makes me glad I spent all those hours playing 3-D Tetris in college (see mom, it DID come in handy!). For example, tonight. I wore my gym leggings with a baggy tee over the top for a quick meeting at the gym for an article, then I threw on a cotton skirt and a fitted jacket over the top of those to have dinner at a restaurant with my family, after which I had to run back to the gym for the aforementioned jujitsu class (late) and I pulled off my skirt as I raced down the hallway with my running shoes untied — causing one little boy to gasp “are those your underwear?!” Finally I threw the jacket back on and ran to the church to pick up my boys from cub scouts, realizing belatedly that I’d left the skirt in my gym bag and the last place you want to be essentially pants-less is in a church. Basically, I’m like Superman. If Superman were a flasher.

How do you feel about yoga pants outside of the gym – appropriate or not? For those of who get shy like me (and I’m not knocking those of you who don’t!) what do you do? Always shower and change at the gym? Shimmy into a new shirt at a stoplight? And what do you do with your sweat-soaked sports bra that is now seeping dampness through the new shirt?

*I would like to note that the men teaching the technique remained very professional through the whole thing and politely ignored me as I tried desperately to remember what real grown-ups do.

Photo Credit: Fail Blog

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that diet pills don’t work. If they did, we’d all look like Carmen Electra and spend our nights partying away with the Zantrex dancers. (Not to be confused with the Valtrex dancers – that kind of party is a straight shot to the Jerry Springer Show.) And yet they sell. So who’s buying? We are, apparently.

I hate the diet pill ads and yet I’m mesmerized by them. The first time through a mag, I read it for the articles but the second time – I’m all about the advertising and I admit, these hold my attention long enough to get hemorrhoids. What is so compelling about them? The lure of quick, easy weight loss. The obvious and marked change in the before-and-after shots. The (fake, probably) testimonials. The stupid doctor. And yet, it’s our modern day fairy tale. These Cinderellas went from rags to riches – beauty is the new money, honey – all with one little magic pill. That’s even easier than a glass slipper! Cheaper too.

I remember one day in the supplement store staring at the pretty displays of diet pills when a salesman sidled up to me, ”Would you pay $80 a month to be thin the rest of your life?” Honestly? I absolutely would. In fact, most people would probably pay much more than that – it’s become that important to us. The trick, of course, is if they actually work. When I pointed out to him that they are just glorified caffeine pills, he huffed, “everybody knows that caffeine is the best weight loss drug.” I suppose he was deferring to cocaine on principle.

But is it?

Judging by the sheer number of photos of celebrities carrying coffee cups, it seems like there must be some truth to it. After all, when was the last time you saw an Olsen twin (or Lindsey or Britney) photographed without a Starbucks cup molded into her twee little hand? And caffeine in some form or another is the number one ingredient in almost every single weight-loss supplement on the market, often in heart-fibrillatingly massive doses. Even Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels recommends a caffeine/white willow bark/aspirin cocktail in her book Making the Cut. Hollywood’s opinion is clear.

What the Research Says
There are many studies that show that caffeine does increase metabolism by upping your heart rate causing a thermogenic effect (as is often touted in screaming letters on diet pill packaging) and increased calorie burn. Research has also indicated that it is a mild appetite suppressant. In addition, it has also been found that a dose of caffeine before your workout can help you work up to 30% harder without upping your rate of perceived exertion thereby allowing you to burn more calories.

The problem is that none of these effects have translated into weight loss. The Mayo Clinic debunks the first two points by saying that while caffeine does suppress the appetite and up metabolism, it doesn’t do it to a significant degree and the effects don’t last long enough to make a difference in a person’s weight. Although they add the caveat that caffeine will produce a temporary decrease in weight due to its diuretic properties.

As for the last point regarding your workout, this is a documented effect. But here’s the kicker: it only works if your body is not already used to caffeine. If you never have the stuff and then slam an energy drink before a big race it can definitely increase your performance. In fact, I know many a runner who swears by this. (Be careful if you try this one out though as caffeine often has the added bonus of loosening one’s bowels. Also, be careful with your dosage. I once puked my way through a 10-miler thanks to an ill-advised caffeine pill.) But the effect is lost if your body is already acclimated to that level of caffeine. In addition, the extra work exerted during your race causes increased hunger afterward. So while you may reap some performance gains, they probably won’t translate to weight loss.

But not only does caffeine use not correlate with weight loss, it is actually linked to weight gain. Donna Sundblad of the Love To Know blog writes:

Caffeine affects cravings for food because it raises the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol raises heart rate, blood pressure and tells your body to increase its energy stores. This results in the body craving sweets. So if you’re wondering why you snacked on cookies in the afternoon, it could have something to do with that coffee you drank with breakfast.

In addition to increasing cravings for sweets, raised cortisol levels have been linked to increased storage of abdominal fat, a lower immune system and higher blood pressure among other things. Caffeine has also been linked to increased insulin resistance, the scary precursor to diabetes, not to mention the lesser side effects of jitteriness, anxiety, heart palpitations and fragmented thinking.

Conclusions
Not everyone reacts to caffeine the same way. Even amongst the Gym Buddies, there are large discrepencies. I am super sensitive to caffeine and feel like I’m having a heart attack, a panic attack and diarrhea all at once from just a diet Coke but Gym Buddy Allison loves her caffeine pills to help her power through her workouts. Gym Buddy Krista seems to have built her tolerance up so high with Mountain Dew that even when she took 3 of Allison’s pills, it didn’t faze her a bit. It all depends on your level of sensitivity to caffeine, what dose you take and how often, and for what purpose you are taking it. If you just like your cup of joe in the morning or use it as your secret weapon in that sprint triathlon you are competing in, then more power to you. Just don’t count on it to help you lose weight. And, also, don’t count on the supplement salespeople to know anything.

What are your experiences with caffeine? Hate the stuff? Can’t live without it? And what’s your preferred form of delivery?

Praise the heavens! You can’t tell but Megan’s really upset I couldn’t find our matching leotards.

The Super Bowl, the World Series, the Olympics: When most people talk about watching sports on TV they mean they’re “catching the game.” But I am not most people (in this case I am both dumber and more juvenile than most people) and so when I tell people I have to rush home to watch sports, I’m talking about watching dramas loosely based around people who are supposedly playing a sport but in reality are just terrible actors. I freaking love these shows! Friday Night Lights! Miracle! Power Rangers!! Remember Center Stage where Jodie twirls for two minutes on one leg and then magically has an entire costume, hair and makeup change in mid-air? Booyah! Better than any sports center.

So tonight was the season finale of Make It or Break It, a soap opera (-ish, it’s ABC Family after all) show about 4 plucky gymnasts trying to make it to the 2012 Olympics. (Although really it’s about 3 since one of the actresses went and got preggo and they booted her off the show.) Being a former gymnast myself, albeit nowhere close to Olympic caliber, I was hooked from the instant Gym Buddy Allison told me about it. Over time we sucked in all the other Gym Buddies as well and now that the Olympics are finally here (in real life too!) ABC decided to cancel the series mid-season. Wha…? Hence the bizarre, premature and utterly unsatisfying season finale. But of course I had to watch it and since I don’t have TV (which doesn’t stop me from watching it, apparently) I headed over to Gym Buddy Megan’s house for a little MIOBI par-tay.

This is how we party:

Sexy laundry time! Guys totally do this while they watch soccer, right?

The finale was every bit as campy, poorly acted and dramatic as I expected but sadly did not show much gymnastics which is the main reason I love watching it. Loved. Right, it’s over.

This is Austin, the world’s least convincing love interest.

It took us all the way through the show to realize that we have the exact same pedi:

Zombie: Totes the hottest color for summer!

Spoiler alert: (as if anyone watches this show but us) THEY DON’T SHOW THE OLYMPICS!!! You find out who makes the team (which is no surprise) but it ends there. Four seasons of leo butt-wedgies and forcing myself to put up with so many teenagers losing their virginity that I feel like a maidenhood expert and I don’t even get to see any Olympic caliber gymnastics? Maybe that’s because the stunt doubles for the show had to train for the Olympics? I don’t know. In any case, Megan and I recreate the winning “stick it” pose for you, since you’ll never get to see it on the show.

Reason #425 why people shouldn’t let me have a camera with a self-timer on it.

Most unsatisfying finale ever. (Although I never saw the Seinfeld finale and I hear that one was really bad.)

Completely unrelated but this is what I did during nap time today since my Internet went down and I couldn’t work. Found this vintage purse at a garage sale and, depending on your taste, either ruined it or made it awesome by adding chevrons! Easiest DIY ever: painter’s tape and silver nail polish.

Do you like TV shows or movies about sports? Do you have a guilty pleasure show you watch? Anyone else have jade green toenails rightthisveryminute??

…if “dressing up” means wearing your silver Nikes.

Anyone who’s ever done weighted hip thrusts while having a serious conversation or watched two guys arm wrestle over the last jar of Pure Protein knows: Fitness is funny. The things we say, the things we do, and heaven help us, the things we WEAR. Every once in a while I take a step back and look at what I’m actually doing and it makes me giggle. So this weekend while I was laying on the floor doing my mandatory sets of butt clenches (excuse me, glute contractions) in the middle of the crowded gym, I came up with this list. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!

You know you’re a fitness nerd if:

1. You carry goggles, gloves, a jump rope and a change of clothes in your car at all times… and you’re not a serial killer.

2. You’ve ever spent time running around a playground… without chasing a toddler.

3. ”Wardrobe malfunction” means that you got pinned with your arms above your head whilst trying to wiggle out of a sweaty sports bra. (And then what do you do? No seriously, I’m asking. Not that this has ever personally happened to me. Yes it has.)

4. You can say “That’s a great a snatch!” without a trace of irony. (See also: “That’s a great rack!”)

5. You’ve ever made a meal out of jerky, trail mix and the smashed remains of a Larabar… and you weren’t stranded in the wilderness.

6. Your heart rate monitor watch accessorizes all your outfits. (Also: if you’ve ever worn the strap just to see how high your heart rate really gets during those PTA meetings.)

7. You have more LBCs (little black capris) than you do LBDs (little black dresses).

8. Someone ever said to you, “Man, Fran was the WOD and I was in zone 5 thanks to the AMRAP thrusters*” and you a) didn’t assume they were working in counter terrorism and b) answered “Yeah those kippers are the worst. I had DOMS for days!”

9. You know and can explain the difference between P90X and Insanity. (What, Shaun T is black?!)

10. You can name the BPM (beats per minute) of any pop song.

11. Your purse is stuffed with little baggies of (healthy) snacks… and you’re not a pothead.

12. Your socks come labeled with “L” and “R”… and your mom didn’t write them on with permanent marker. (Although that’s tots cool if she did. Moms are smart.)

13. Your underwear is specially designed to wick moisture away, dry quickly and hide wet spots… and you’re not a potty training toddler in a pull-up.

14. You’ve ever spent a sick amount of money on a bra designed to squish your boobs down into a flat indistinguishable lump… instead of a miracle bust-boosting cleavage-creating bra.

15. You have a story about a gnarly bike/running/lifting accident with the scar to prove it… and it didn’t happen when you were a kid.

16. You break every song into chunks of eight counts.

17.  You have an opinion about whey versus soy versus egg protein powders.

18. You can name 20 variations on the push-up… and do five every time you go to the bathroom. Even if it’s a public bathroom.

19. You’ve ever started a sentence with “Well mice aren’t humans but still the research is very convincing….”

20. You’ve ever ended a sentence by singing “Girl look at that body! Ahhh, I work out!”

Come on, I know you guys have some awesome ones to add to my list! Finish this sentence, you know you’re a fitness geek if…

Do you ever look at yourself working out and just want to laugh sometimes?

*For you smart alecks: I know that the thrusters in Fran are numbered, not as many reps as possible. It just made the sentence funnier and when it comes to fact vs. funny, I always err on the side of humor. Which may be a problem. We’ll discuss that later.

I am so completely creeped out right now. The ‘stache, the look on his face, the fact that she looks 16. Plus jeans shorts? The mesh tank wasn’t enough of a statement on its own?!

Last week found me kicking the laundry basket down the hallway with my foot. No, I’m not making my household chores into sports (although there’s an idea). It’s because my shoulders were too sore to lift the blasted thing. Of course it’s not just me who’s resorted to doing weird workarounds because of soreness. The DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness, also known as the reason why you hurt worse two days after your workout than you did the day after) are so frequent among the Gym Buddies that we’ve come up with our own subcategories. Toilet sore – my fave of the bunch – is when your legs are so sore you have to fall the last few inches to the toilet seat. Bra sore is when you can’t reach behind you to clasp your bra because your arms hurt so bad. Panty sore is where your hip flexors are so knotted up you can’t lift your leg up to step into your undies. And ponytail sore, well that’s what I had last week. Which sucks since I wear my hair in a pony all the time. (And a grey hoodie. I’m the mom from the yogurt commercials!)

Sore muscles are the plague of every exerciser. Whether you’re a fitness newbie or an old hand you’ll have to deal with the pain of a good workout at some point. Science to the rescue! Researchers have come up with some new ways to help you un-clench. Here are six ideas besides the usual rest, ice and compression tips (excerpted from my slideshow for Shape)

Mushroom extract

Funny story: a bunch of Chinese goat herders noticed that their furry friends got a lot peppier after eating a certain type of mushroom. So they did what any curious goat herder would do; they ate some too. Fast forward through a bunch of lab and research experiments and now the cordyceps mushroom is available to all, no goat necessary. According to ShroomTech sports, the ‘shroom works by activating ATP, the energy powerhouses in your cells, to give you “clean” energy without resorting to stimulants. (P.S. I’ve tried these and was pleasantly surprised. They do seem to work but in a very subtle way.)

Cherry juice

You won’t need a spoonful of sugar to help this medicine go down! Tart cherry juice is rapidly become one of the hottest super foods thanks to its high level of antioxidants (more than pomegranates, even!) and other benefits — one of which is decreased muscle soreness. Try adding a splash to your post-workout smoothie.

Epsom salts

Bath salts, not just for grandmas anymore! Magnesium, the primary component of epsom salts, is essential for healthy muscles and is a gentle natural muscle relaxant. The salts, when added to a warm bath or compress, are absorbed by the skin and are actually more effective this way than by taking an oral magnesium supplement. But then do you really need a reason to go take a nice, hot bath?

Caffeine

Your favorite latte just got a healthy halo thanks to University of Georgia researchers who discovered that taking caffeine, about the equivalent of two cups of coffee, helped reduce muscle soreness in women after a strenuous workout. It works by blocking adenosine, a chemical released by your body in response to injury. Just be careful not to overdo this one though as excessive caffeine use can cause muscle spasms.

Foam rolling

Add a different kind of rock-n-roll to your workout with a foam roller. Cheap, easy to use and according to many very enthusiastic adherents, the best cure for sore muscles since ibuprofen, this humble piece of equipment is making huge waves. Foam rolling involves a technique called self-myofascial release which uses pressure and targeted massage to help prevent scarring of the connective tissue between your muscles (the fascia). Take it easy your first time though; while it looks as easy as falling off a log, falling off this particular log can be very painful until you get used to the amount of pressure you need to use.

Creatine

One of the few supplements to hold up under research scrutiny, creatine has been shown to help lessen the pain and duration of muscle soreness from an intense weight lifting workout. Creatine is an amino acid whose job in your body is to funnel energy to your cells, particularly that of your muscles. So more creatine in your system makes for more energy both for building and repairing those biceps you’ve been working so hard on. Even better, reported side effects like bloating or stomach upset are rare and generally mild.

Note: you do not have to be sore for it to have been a good workout. I’m not saying you should strive for sore but DOMS happen to the best (and worst) of us!

Any of you have a tried-and-true trick for dealing with sore muscles? Share, please! What’s your fave category of soreness? Anyone else kinda love being sore? I love a good burn but hate being crippled. There’s such a thing as “good sore” right?

Other Stuff I Wrote This Week:

7 Workouts Inspired by Pop Culture: Shoot like Katniss Everdeen, score like Harry Potter, and sweat like LMFAO (Speedo optional!)

Beyond Coregasm: Top 5 Workout-Induced Pleasures. Yep, coregasms are real. I’ve said it before but now science has proven it!

Should We Be Congratulating Women for Not Having Kids? This is something I’d seriously never thought about before I read the NY Times piece on it.

Top 5 Worst Lunch Foods for Kids. Anyone who’s ever handed a kid a juice box in the car only to watch them power wash the upholstery with it knows that those conveniently packaged sugary drinks can be dangerous.  (Seriously juice boxes have got to be the worst designed packaging EVER.)

Plus: Don’t forget to enter my Under Armour contest! You know you want those slash capris too – we can be twinsies!

Notice how I’ve never done a triathlon as an Experiment? Or channel swimming? Or deep sea cave spelunking diving?

While I’m really good at pushing myself to try new things, I lean towards trying new things that I think are fun.

And also, if you look at my list, things that don’t involve swimming. We’ve gone over why I don’t like to swim. Short story: I can do it. It’s fine. I hate being wet and cold.

This reticence may not be a bad thing – I’m sure there is an excellent evolutionary reason that I am mortally afraid of deep caves under water – but sometimes my fears keep me from trying something I might really enjoy.

Best case scenario: I find a new adventure to love! Worst case scenario: I get good blog fodder!

And mud up my nose . . . because I am officially training to do my first mud run/obstacle course! It’s called Warrior Dash and it is described as “a mud-crawling, fire-leaping, extreme 5k run from hell.” Well good, because while swimming is not on my list o’ fun, hell totally is.

No seriously though I’m really excited about this. Which is weird because it does look like there is a lot of swimming through mud involved, and if there’s anything I dislike more than being wet and cold it’s being wet, filthy, and cold.

But! I get to climb a big wall (love climbing!), rappel down a cliff (LOVE rappelling!), run through a pile of wrecked cars (love tetanus! Kidding! I just love tetanus shots, one of which I will be sure to get beforehand!) and even jump over a fire (but my hair will be wet so it won’t singe!). Oh and there will be a lot of other crazy people involved which really is my definition of a good time:)

In the remaining time between now and the Dash, while I’ll still be doing different Fitness Experiments I’m going to focus on training to increase my agility, grip strength, sprinting and upper body strength. Oh and my ability to tolerate ick. To help me in my training goals, I’m partnering with Under Armour and their “What’s Beautiful” campaign. This is awesome for three reasons:

1) This is Under Armour! What says modern day warrior better than Under Armour?! It’s actually a part of their name! I’ve long loved their clothes for their durability and versatility (best base layers ever) so I’m excited to put them through some serious work.

2) The What’s Beautiful campaign is all about what we women can do and not about how we look. On their site you see stories from women working to finish a race like me but there’s also a woman aiming for her black belt in karate, a mom determined to “come back from a c-section and a herniated disk” and even one girl who wants to “respect myself and my family.”

Sometimes you see a woman and think wow, she’s beautiful! but sometimes you see what a woman can do and are blown away by a beauty that you hadn’t recognized before.

3. I get to wear cute stuff like these slash capris:

Holy crap I love them so much I want them in every color! (Although I might love them so much I won’t want to wear them in the Dash because I won’t want to ruin them? Hmm.)

And you know how I love my penguin feet shoes and I don’t own any turquoise ones yet so these Charge RC Storms will be perfecto! Of course Under Armour doesn’t want you to be left out of the fun either so you can declare your own personal challenge on their What’s Beautiful site now and enter their competition, where you can win almost $1000 in Under Armour gear!

What Under Armour item are you interested in trying? Let me know in the comments, and you will be entered for a chance to win a $500 Under Armour gift card.

SWEEPSTAKES/GIVEAWAY RULES

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion, including exactly the following unique terms in your tweet message: “#whatsbeautiful” “#sweepstakes”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post. To comply with FTC Guidelines (see http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2009/10/endortest.shtm), entrants’ blog posts must disclose that they are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post.

d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 5/10-5/21

Be sure to visit the Under Armour page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ posts!

I… have no caption for this picture. Courtney Love defies description.

“Hershey leaves me my usual tray of foods.” An entire story in one sentence, written by Ms. Courtney Love as her ode (or eulogy, I’m still not sure) to food when the Grubstreet page of New York magazine asked her what she normally ate. They should have known that putting “normal” and “Courtney Love” together doesn’t end well. Of course I found the whole thing utterly fascinating: That they would ask her. That she would answer them. And that she would answer them truthfully because I swear you couldn’t make this up if you tried.

I’ll break it down for you. See, Hershey is her “house manager” and he wakes her up every morning with “a hot washcloth for my face, a leg rub, and a plate of toast soldiers.” So many questions already! What are toast soldiers? (Seriously I must know – my kids would love them whatever the heck they are.) Why a leg rub and not a foot rub? And most importantly, what is a house manager and where can I get one?

Moving on. The latter part of the sentence is where the story really gets good. It turns out that Courtney is very specific when she talks about “my usual tray of foods.” Every day she eats the same thing:

- Sugar in some form (but never chocolate!) from 4-5 a.m., a habit she says is a residual coping mechanism from giving up dope in the 90′s. “When I lived at the Mercer Hotel, they literally called an admin meeting on how to make the perfect warm sugar cookie for me in the middle of the night. Last night I got into some Jeni’s Ice cream in Ugandan Vanilla Bean.”

- A chicken pot pie and potato salad from Dean & Deluca. She adds, “If I can’t afford D.D., I just don’t eat.” (A place which I love solely based on the fact that Felicity worked there while she was in college and I was obsessed with watching Felicity when I was in college, which makes me sound like a crazy stalker if you are too young to remember the hair-lopping amazingness that was the television show Felicity.).

- A fresh cake. “One thing from living next to Paris Hilton in L.A. … she always had a fresh cake in her house. So I make sure someone gets a full, fresh new one every day, like marzipan. My house manager tries to put it in the fridge, but I don’t like refrigeration.”

See what I mean? Every “answer” only leads to more questions! Like, who lives in a hotel besides Eloise? And who takes life tips from Paris Hilton? And who hates refrigeration?! Courtney Love, that’s who.

As I was reading through her interview (and you really should go read the whole thing if only to see how she turns meeting Michael Stipe and “some people from U2″ into an ode to food porn) my first reaction was “She eats what?!” And then I realized that my reaction had morphed from disgust to respect. Say what you will about the Hole lead singer but girl eats what she wants. I’m not saying it’s a healthy diet – she doesn’t even recommend it – but I do give her props for knowing what she wants. She’s a woman who unapologetically eats cake! Every day!  And that is a rare breed.

Thinking about Courtney Love’s strange diet made me think about my own. (Because everything is about me, right?) First, here is proof that I do not have the weirdest diet on the planet, Gym Buddy Krista! And second because I just got the results of my metabolic testing* back. The short of it is that when The End comes, it will be the cockroaches and I left on the planet (and maybe Courtney Love too) because apparently I don’t need food to live.

While Thom Rieck, my metabolic specialist at Lifetime Fitness, said that my RMR (resting metabolic rate or the number of calories I need for basic daily survival) is not the lowest number he’s ever seen, it was pretty low. Even worse, it’s down 150 calories from the last time I was tested. For a moment it sent me into a depressed funk contemplating all the food I don’t get to eat compared to other people and how unfair it is that one Dairy Queen Blizzard is more than my entire daily calorie usage. But! As I sat pondering my numbers I realized that thanks to Intuitive Eating, I don’t have to be afraid of hunger because I’m never hungry (in the extreme deprivation sense – I absolutely do feel hunger pangs between meals). I eat as much as I need to feel full and I, like Courtney Love, eat pretty much what I want. (Although my diet contains vegetables not encased in pastry and way less sugar – I’d feel like crap during the day if I ate her diet.) How cool is that?! Every day I get to eat all kinds of yummy foods and I’m never starving. So who cares if my calorie burn is less than most peoples’? I’m happy. And I’m really efficient! Like I said, me and the ‘roaches. Who knew I could learn so much from Courtney Love?

Are you fascinated by celebrity food journals? Normally I skip right over those articles because a) I think they lie and b) they depress me but I’m glad I read this one! Anyone else have a really “efficient” metabolism? And what’s up with hating refrigeration? Is this like A Thing now?

*This portion of my metabolic testing was the easiest assessment I’ve done so far! All I had to do was show up in a fasted state (only 9 hours so it just meant skipping breakfast), sit in a dark room and relax as best I could with a mask over my face. Of course I managed to make it harder than it needed to be because my body refused to relax. Took me a half hour before they could even start the assessment. Sigh.

See this is why my squat form sucked! I forgot my lucite heels!

Upon meeting me, the first thing my scary smart Lifetime Fitness trainer, Steve, did was have me stand in front of him facing a gigantic mirror. As he put his hands gently on my shoulders he said, “I want you to see what I see.” Now, lest you think this is going to turn into a touchy-feely after-school special where we talk about how awesome I am, Trainer Steve was actually assessing me for muscular imbalances. So what he saw was slightly flattened arches, a right knee that bends in when I squat, a “winged out” left scapula and a right hip flexor that is apparently so tight it’s throwing off the rest of my body. “You don’t have any injuries? Really??” he asked incredulously. “Because you should.” (For the record, I saw a girl with a supercute hot pink top that she made herself out of a repurposed pajama top – DIY workout gear, for the win!)

And then he tricked me. “We need to test your upper body strength so get down into a plank position and touch your other hand back-and-forth as fast as you can for one minute.” Eager to please and nervous about having my weakest area publicly tested I went full out. I got to 99 before the time ran out. “I just needed 1 more!” I panted. “Yeah, the number doesn’t really matter,” he smiled. “We were actually looking to see if your hips move when you move your upper body. And they do. Ideally you’d stay straight the whole time.” I hate surprise tests. Especially ones I fail. Ego check on aisle 1!

But Steve was doing me a huge favor because the whole point of this test is to correct my muscular imbalances and dysfunctional movements. And heaven knows after 10 years of bearing babies, toting toddlers and being unable to walk anywhere without someone literally hanging off my leg, I have some issues. Fixing these problems now will help me avoid injuries in the future and, as Steve promised me, give me more power and efficiency in the workouts that I love. “You’ll be amazed at how easily stuff will come to you once you’ve got the correct neural programming.” (I WILL win a basketball game against the Gym Buddies, by golly!)

Plus he told me I squat better than Shaquille O’Neal. Okay so what he technically said was that Shaq and other big basketball players that he’s worked with can’t squat for crap (my word and wow, that’s some nice imagery there – shut up, it’s late) although he said Kobe Bryant can do full range of motion squats. A** to grass! Which I can also do! So I extrapolated that to mean that I can out-squat Shaq…yeah. Whatever. I have to take my inspiration where I can find it! Especially since Steve immediately started me on a program to fix all my problems (the physical ones anyhow, I think he’s about ready to duct tape my mouth shut so I’ll stop asking so many questions) and it’s an 8 on the pain scale and a 2 on the fun scale. I’d have given it a 1 except that I get to do some sideways lunges that remind me of a dance move I once saw in a Lady Gaga music video.

So how does one undo all the damage from years of being attacked by little people from the inside out (and sitting with my legs crossed)? By doing basic movements with no weights. Push-ups, squats, lunges and TRX pull-ups are all on my daily rotation now. When I looked disappointed he explained, “If you can’t do a proper squat without your knee turning in, why on earth would I hand you a weight?” Good point. And having done the workout for almost a week now, I have to say I can really feel it working. I don’t like it (60 push-ups for 4 counts down, hold 2 counts at the bottom and then 1 count back up!! I want to gnaw my own shoulders off just to escape the burn.) but I already feel a difference. And by difference, I mean that my right butt cheek is sooo sore which apparently needs to happen to help with the tight hip thingy.

Play Along at Home: I shouldn’t be the only one having all the fun! Try these tests on yourself to see how you measure up. (If you’re not interested in testing yourself, at least try the last one on a friend – it’s hilarious!)

Stand in front of a full-length mirror. Ideally you’d have a partner to watch you as well but if all you’ve got is you and your cat it’s still good.

Squat: Do a set of 10 basic squats with your arms overhead and with as much range of motion as you can handle without pain. Watch both knees to see if they stay straight forward. Also watch your hands to see if one drops lower than the other as you squat down.

Single-leg squat: Stand on one foot and with a slight bend in your knee touch your pinky toe with your opposite hand. Do 10, checking to see if your knee tracks over your big toe each time or if it turns inward or outward.

Relaxed stance: Stand with your feet hip width apart with arms relaxed at your sides. See if one shoulder or hip is higher than the other. (This is where the other set of eyes really comes in handy.)

Scapula check: This one is fun for everyone as the Gym Buddies can tell you. I made them all do it and it’s to their credit that they didn’t even flinch when I told them to stand up with their back to me and not move. Anyhow, have the person stand in front of you in a relaxed stance. Then take your first two fingers, palm forward, and jam them up under their scapula (shoulder blade), er gently push up. It will make them scream. Which will make you scream. Which will make you all start laughing. Or will make them punch you. One or the other. So much fun! ANYHOW. You shouldn’t be able to fit your fingers very far underneath either shoulder blade.

Seriously though, my first major lesson learned from Steve is that pride has no place in my workouts. Living a healthy and injury-free life is more important than any number I can throw down on a weighted back squat. If progressing means I have to strip everything down to the basics first and relearn those movements then that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m really grateful for this chance for a do-over. Also, he reminded me that you really can get a killer workout from body weight exercises alone.

Did you test yourself? Are you unbalanced too? Have you ever had to swallow your workout pride and go back to the basics? Anyone else just want to try squatting in heels like Coco? Just to see if you could do it? Just me??

No actual numbers were harmed (or used) in the making of this post. While I do discuss my eating disordered history, I’ve tried to keep triggers to a minimum and if you are suffering from an eating disorder I would actually encourage you to keep reading. This is my message of hope. If I can do this, you can do this. Hope: for you, from me.

All those years I taught college I kept waiting to see this happen. What really amazes me about this pic is not that his pants finally fell down (is that a water bottle?!) but that this doesn’t happen more often. Finally, someone who has a harder time finding jeans that fit than I do!

The Gym Buddies were worried. My husband was worried. And I, of course, was worried — because hey that’s just what I do. Even Jelly Bean was worried although her worry stems from a new-found fear of the dark leading to a very loud and demanding “Mommy MOVE OVER!” in the middle of the night while she attempts to worm her way into our bed. (Side note: it’s not happening. I can’t sleep with my kids in my bed. I’m not anti-co-sleeping, I just don’t sleep well with tiny people. Whoever invented the phrase “sleep like a baby” has clearly never seen one sleep. She gets to sleep with her light on instead.) ANYHOW. This past week I completed all my testing that I’m doing for May’s Great Experiment Fitness Experiment and it has been a learning experience on many different levels. First, I learned a lot of interesting things about my body and how it works. But even more importantly I learned how very far I’ve come. I don’t say this often but: I’m proud of myself.

If I thought spitting in little vials was hard (It is! Have you tried it yet??), then what came next was seriously intense. This past week, in public with several other people reading the numbers, I:

- was weighed

- had my body fat measured

- had my RMR (resting metabolic rate) measured

- had my VO2 max (estimated) and cardio fitness tested

- had my body assessed for muscular imbalances, injuries etc.

Five years ago this would have sent me into a tailspin of excessive exercise and dieting. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even attempted to do this; I was too fragile. But this time I surprised myself. It’s been such a crazy, interesting, educational and yes, positive experience that I wanted to share with you guys what I’ve learned. It’s been intense but amazing. (Not unlike the time my college roommates introduced me to the poor-girl’s fancy coffeehouse drink by buying a 99 cent hot chocolate at 7-11 and then pouring in several of every coffee creamer and flavoring syrup they offered until it filled a giant Slurpee cup. I was not a nutrition major. Obviously.)

Here’s why I’m telling you all this: Every week I get at least three, if not more, e-mails from girls suffering from eating disorders. They make me laugh, think and smile because inevitably it was written by a smart, charming, and utterly beautiful-inside-and-out soul. Every single one of you feels like a kindred spirit. But they also make me cry. Because of all the pain in them. I remember very well (mostly because it wasn’t all that long ago) how very dark, isolating, depressing things eating disorders are. I remember that the harder I tried to control everything, the more out-of-control I felt. I remember the first time I admitted I needed help – on here, incidentally – and how scary that was. I remember those first tentative steps in recovery where everything felt so hard and every single day felt like a monumental struggle made even more depressing because what I was struggling so hard for was to just be “normal.” I remember not wanting anyone to know and feeling like not only did everyone know but they were all judging me.

But I do not feel that way anymore — and I say that with no equivocation. All of those little steps added up and while I will never say I am fully “recovered” (those voices die hard) I will say that I am happy and healthy and it doesn’t feel like a constant fight to be here. There’s a lightness in me I didn’t think I’d ever have, and I’m not talking about physical lightness. If you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating or even bad body image I want you to know that it does get easier. And getting better is worth it.

So this week I’m going to be detailing the five tests I took and sharing both the physical and mental lessons I’ve learned so far. For you science geeks, I’ll also get into the reasoning behind the tests and what they are good for and why you may (or may not) want to take them. But I’ll also talk about the psych stuff. Because when it comes down to me vs. my numbers, I win. Every time. (Note: I will not be sharing any of my actual numbers with you. I know that urge to compare is strong and I love you guys too much to do that!)

Lesson 1 (InBody Testing): My Weight Doesn’t Define Me

Stepping onto the metal platform of the InBody machine – a super cool device that calculates not only your weight, BMI, and body fat percentage but also how strong your muscles are, where you are retaining water and if you have inflammation – is like waiting to get beamed up to the mother ship. Lights flash, numbers spin and while it works by the same principle as the body fat scales you can buy at the store (bio-electrical impedance) it’s way more high tech and it doesn’t feel a bit like being electrocuted!

And, according to the manufacturer, it’s 98% accurate compared to DEXA and hydrostatic weighing except the InBody only takes 30 seconds and you get to keep all your clothes on! Because the InBody measures each part separately it ”does not need to use statistical data in calculating other values because its results are much more accurate. It accurately evaluates a wide range of individual, especially those with unique body types such as children, extremely obese physiques, senior adults and athletes.” This is important because as I learned the hard way, even the venerated Bod Pod operates off of estimates and predictive formulas – not bad if you fall in the normative group but the group the Bod Pod is most likely to get wrong? Lean females. Other BIA devices like the “body fat” scales or handheld devices consistently overestimate body fat on athletes for the same reason.

So, for the price of one “beam me up Scotty” joke you get a printout that shows:

Weight
Lean Body Mass
Body Fat Mass
Intracellular Water
Extracellular Water
Current Total Body Water
Dry Lean Mass
Body Mass Index(BMI)
Percent Body Fat
ECW/TBW
Segmental Lean Mass(Right Arm, Left Arm, Trunk, Right Leg, Left Leg)
Fat Control, LBM Control, Basal Metabolic Rate
Impedance of each segment at each frequency

As soon as I saw my numbers*, my pants suddenly made sense. See all these years I’ve just assumed my right leg was shorter than my left because my pants hem always drags on the ground on that side and the thigh area always feels too tight. Turns out that’s because my right thigh is substantially stronger than my left! Thank heavens for stretch jeans! And to add weirdness, my left arm is stronger than my right. I don’t know how that happened either. (I was a right tumbler in gymnastics? I always carry my kids on my left side? I’m a freak?)

I was jerked out of my jeans reverie by Thom Rieck, my metabolic specialist (how cool is that job?!), commenting clinically, “Your weight is right in the healthy range” as he wrote it down for me.  My weight?

After not weighing myself for so long that I can’t even remember the last time I did (although my doctor weighed me when I went in for my annual checkup a few months ago), when Thom first asked me how much I weighed I was a little taken aback. Did I even know? I guessed. And then when I saw the number come up on the InBody I was elated! Seriously. Not because it was my magic “perfect” weight number or because I’d magically lost 10 pounds but because I’d guessed my weight correctly to the very pound. This, to the pound, is the weight that I’ve held steady at for nearly two years now by doing Intuitive Eating. If you would have told me before that I would go two whole years without varying so much as a pound I would have thought you were insane. I’m a veteran of the diet roller coaster! I can fluctuate 10 pounds in a week! But not anymore. This, for me, is nothing short of a miracle.

My first reaction on seeing my weight was happiness. Because this is where my body is happy and for the first time in probably my entire adult life my body and my mind are not at war with each other.  

Next up tomorrow (in a much shorter post, promise!) I’ll go over my body fat test!

How do you do with numbers? Are you able to see them as just information or do they hold a lot of emotional value for you too? Are you stronger on one side than the other? Anyone else have weird fitting jeans??

*Full disclosure: I got to try out this test for free, courtesy of Lifetime Fitness. Several of you have asked if you have to be a member of Lifetime Fitness to take these fitness assessments and good news: you don’t! Just call up any one of the 96 Lifetime gyms around the country and you can schedule your test.

Totally unrelated to anything but it’s TRUE. If they’d added “playing Word Scramble obsessively” this would be the recap of my weekend.

Everywhere you go someone is trying to sell you fancy fitness equipment and the primary tactic they use is that you simply must have it. Something about that word just makes me feel rebellious (or feel like talking in a fake British accent, one or the other). I must have something, must I? I daresay I mustn’t! While there is lots of fitness gear that is fun to have, there are some things that not only aren’t necessary but may actually be doing you more harm than good. Weight belts, for instance. Sure we’ve all seen the ripped guys strutting around the weight floor wearing them so they must help, right? Science says no. (Which may be my all time fave phrase ever. Works for everything! “Do I really need to worry about dingoes eating my baby?” Science says no! “Mom, can I jump off the roof with an umbrella for a parachute?” Science says *$&% no! “How long can I go eating raw cookie dough before being smitten with salmonella poisoning?” Science says…33 years apparently. Not that I’m bragging.) Anyhow, unless you love accessorizing your workout gear with leather and chains — we’re not here to judge — then you can skip the weight belt. While it can help you lift heavier in the moment, new research shows that the long-term effects will make you regret that one-rep max. Read on to see the other items on my “mustn’t” list!

Stuff I wrote…

Fitness

Do You Really Need That? 7 Fitness “Must-Haves” That You Won’t Miss One of the (nastiest) rights of passage at a gym is seeing someone spit into the water fountain. It’s enough to make you rethink hydrating at all until you get home. And now there are a slew of water bottles on the market with built-in filters that promise to keep your water pristine. But do the bottles really clean the water? Short answer: not really but they make it more “aesthetically pleasing.” Yay for pretty water?

Party Rockers in the Gym Tonight: 7 Workouts That Are Better Than Happy Hour One Soul Cycle spin instructor explains: “When we teach the soul party, we might just pop out a few extra effects like a strobe light, or we might spray some champagne on the first row. It’s always just sort of a new bag of tricks.”

No More Excuses: 7 “But” Busting Tips To Get Yours To The Gym What’s stretchy, comfortable, cute, and works great layered? Your pajamas, yes, but also most workout clothes. While I don’t advise sleeping in a full set of thermal running gear, hitting the hay in your sports bra, comfy tee, and yoga pants can be the difference between sleeping in and making it to that early morning class.

Parenting

Real Moms Confess: “I accidentally left my kid” (Hoo boy the comments on this one got HEATED.)

• “I am an amazing parent, so of course I would never do anything like that. You should, however, ask my mom if she ever left her only daughter at a McDonald’s on the interstate in Indiana.” -Megan
• “I just knew Megan would not pass up a chance to rub salt in the wound yet again! And it wasn’t just me who forgot her. It was her dad and her four brothers too. Just sayin’!” – Megan’s Mom

Do We Really Need Pink LEGOs? I’m not sure exactly why this particular girly toy out of all the ones out there bothered me so much. Certainly Bratz dolls and the like are much more offensive. I think it has something to do with the fact that Legos were never a “boy” toy in my mind to begin with. They were an equal-opportunity mess, like Play-Doh and alphabet refrigerator magnets.

Safety Helmets for Toddlers: Smart or Overprotective? Somewhere, right now, my mother is laughing herself silly as she waves a picture of me as a toddler walking barefoot through a playground with an asphalt surface and rusty metal equipment with so many exposed nails they had a tetanus shot dispenser right next to the hand sanitizer. Of course I’m kidding: There was no hand sanitizer. My mom once accused me of trying to bubble-wrap my kids. Which of course is ridiculous, because then they’d suffocate. Or choke on it. Or get poisoned by the carcinogens. Otherwise, I might have.

Should hospital freebies for moms be banned? Let’s be honest: The swag is one of the best things about having a baby-after the actual baby, of course.

Kids in PJs in Public? When I saw the pics of Katie following Suri in her jammies and holding her blankey, I really wanted to give her a mom-to-mom fist bump. Stars – sometimes they really are just like us! (And sometimes they’re not. Suri was flown into New York for the celebration on her own private helicopter.)

The Cure for Bullying. I have friends going to see the documentary Bully this weekend, and even though I’ve been invited, I don’t think I’ll attend. It’s still too painful. Without going into all the awful details – kids used to hawk loogies into my hair and empty their lunch trays in my bag – suffice it to say the shame, pain, and grief from being bullied have stuck with me well into adulthood.

Should the Government Be Allowed to Ban Kids From Doing Chores? Sometimes when my kids are being recalcitrant about cleaning their rooms, I threaten to send them to a farm so they can learn what real chores are like. But thanks to a new federal law my idle threat just got a whole lot more, well, idle.

Schoolyard Bullying Drives 8-year-old to Attempt Suicide Michelle Koch’s daughter, just eight years old, took an overdose of her sister’s medication after other children at school pushed her down, called her names, and tormented her for months. The girl was in the hospital hovering between life and death for a week as her anxious family tried to figure out what would drive such a normally happy little girl to do something so extreme.

Trend That Needs to Die: Kiddie Couture ”Children are the new must-have accessory” explains the Times, so it only makes sense then that you should accessorize these accessories in style. With everything from Lanvin tulle smocks to Burberry diaper bags, I have to wonder if any of these people have met an actual child before. (And no I don’t count the children used in their ad campaigns – any kid that can work that long in front of a camera with a bunch of strangers and still manage to smile like a daisy has got to be a robot.)

How Far Would You Go To Help Your Child Get Elected Prom Queen? One Texas mom’s answer: A pink rotating billboard encouraging people to vote for her daughter to be prom queen. The teen, Brandy Day, reported feeling shocked and a little amused that her mom actually went and did it but her mom remains unapologetic saying, “Families feel like it’s a little too much or over the top for one night, but then again, it only happens one time in your child’s life.”

What fitness “must-have” item do you think is a “mustn’t”? Anyone else have a good “I left my child” or “I got left as a child” story?