The Green Asterisk

Star Trek: Asterisk "Balance of Terror"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 13:29:51 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E14
Air Date: December 15, 1966
Written by: Paul Schneider
Directed by: Vincent McEveety

Premise
Kirk finds himself on the hunt for ~~Red October~~ a Romulan Commander with the ability to cloak his ship and the cunning to say hidden.

Review
It's important to note before we get into this story, that the Federation has never made visual contact with Romulans. But, there was, apparently, according to Spock, a struggle with the Romulans a decade or two before the events of Star Trek: Enterprise. Some of the first warp ships to travel into the stars from Earth met up with Romulans and fought them for a while with nuclear weaponry probably left over from World War III. The problem was that these ships didn't have the ability to tap into other ships' visual sensors, so they had no idea what Romulans actually looked like. And if Star Trek: Enterprise had used any of this crap that I just made up, instead of the retconned nonsense of what actually happened, it would have been a much better show.

The episode begins with a marriage ceremony between Angela Martine and Robert Tomlinson with Kirk presiding. Unfortunately, they are cut short when a transmission comes in from Outpost 4 along the Romulan Neutral Zone warning that they are under attack. When they get there, they see the attacker's ship... for a little while... and then it completely disappears. It was Romulans. And Spock guesses that they have an invisibility shield. They can't pinpoint their location, but they can tell that they're moving in a leisurely manner, suggesting that they can't see the Enterprise. Either that or they're trying to avoid detection from the Death Star.

Keep your distance, Centurion, but don't looklike your keeping your distance.

Kirk orders a parallel course with the Romulan ship so that he looks like just a reflection on their sensors. Lt. Stiles, today's annoying helmsman of the week, suggests that there's a spy on the Enterprise. So Kirk agrees to beef up security a bit. While they're studying their enemy, Uhura picks up a transmission, but she's unable to decrypt it. No matter: Spock is able to use the signal to tie into their sensors and get a good visual on who they are. What they see shocks everyone, but especially Stiles. They have pointed ears, just like Spock.

Well, Stiles is immediately distrusting of Spock, but Kirk tells him to leave his bigotry at home. This Human/Romulan war was over a century ago, after all. The next few scenes show a complete balance between the Romulans and the Enterprise crew. The unnamed Romulan Commander confers with his officers just the same as Kirk confers with his. A trusted first officer gives them both advice taking into account history and politics. A n00b redshirt presents his ignorance by either bigotry or pride. It's clear that these crews are evenly matched. And it's clear to Kirk that he must attack.

But first: more disapproving glances at Stiles.

Their even match is even clearer when Kirk tries to intercept the Romulan Commander on the other end of a comet that should expose its position. While they move the Enterprise out of position, the Romulan Commander notes that their "reflection" has gone and immediately falls back to intercept the Enterprise. Both trying to intercept each other, neither end up succeeding. Now that he's truly exposed, however, Kirk orders a barrage of phaser fire in the general direction of the Romulans to draw them out. This causes the Romulan ship to shake and send debris falling on the Centurion, killing him. The Romulan Commander orders that they fire the super secret disruptor weapon while the phasers burn out on the Enterprise. The Enterprise backs up as quickly as possible with the disruptor following them slowly. They find that the farther they go, the more dissipated the disruptor becomes. One phaser blast would destroy it, if only Spock could get it working again. Eventually it hits, but not hard enough.

Determined to get back home, the Romulan Commander orders some debris and the body of the Centurion to be shot out into space as a distraction. And it works. While Spock scans it, he loses track of the ship. Now they're both sitting in the Neutral Zone, powered down so neither can detect the other. But while making repairs, Spock accidentally activates a panel and the Romulan Commander picks up on it. Anticipating the move, Kirk orders phasers fired. The Romulan Command pumps more debris into space, this time with a nuclear warhead. The Enterprise fires on the warhead and damages itself. Not too severely, but Kirk decides to play dead nonetheless.

He wanted to head home at first, but the Romulan Commander is bound by duty to go back and destroy his enemy. With the Enterprise in a damaged state, Stiles and Tomlinson are the only ones in the phaser room ready to fire when a coolant leak breaks out and Spock rushes in to save them. The Romulan Commander moves in, Spock pushes the button, phasers blast at the Romulans. They are critically damaged.

Visual contact is established on the bridge. The Romulan Commander has a few last words to say to Kirk. "I regret that we meet in this way. You and I are of a kind. In a different reality, I could have called you friend," he says. Finally, he sets his ship to self destruct. And that's the last we hear of the unnamed Romulan Commander. Until he returns as Spock's father.

Later, Kirk goes to sickbay to check on Spock who was injured from the coolant leak, but was able to save Stiles life. Stiles is amazed that Spock saved him despite all the bigotry he had shown earlier. Tomlinson, however, was not able to be saved. And Kirk's final act of the episode is to go comfort his would-be-wife.

Overall Thoughts
I think the awesomeness of this episode really speaks for itself, but lets go back and revisit the Romulan canon, shall we? Star Trek: Enterprise ends before all-out conflict begins with the Romulans, but there was plenty in season four that would have lead up to such a conflict. The problems come when we understand that United Earth would have had plenty of help in the Romulan War if it had played out the way Enterprise was going. Not only that, they had much more advanced weapons than nuclear weaponry and they definitely were able to take prisoners and establish visual communications. The lesson here is that when you have a story like the Romulan War, you don't wait until season four to get it started. Put it in season one! Or if you feel you have to wait, just forget about the Delphic Expanse and put the Romulan War in season three! At the rate it was going, we would have had to wait until season five until we got some good Romulan on Earth action, but we never got a season five! And on top of that, pay attention to what "Balance of Terror" has to say about the state of technology in that time! Now Spock just sounds like a fool when he talks about the Romulan War like he knows things when it's completely different from what's set up. ::sigh::

Anyway, this was a great episode!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Conscience of the King"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 13:15:51 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E13
Air Date: December 8, 1966
Written by: Barry Trivers
Directed by: Gerd Osward

Premise
Anton Karidian, the leader of an acting troupe, is accused of being Kodos the Executioner. And it doesn't help that people start turning up dead.

Review
According to Star Trek, there are three things that are timeless: Mark Twain, Shakespeare and The Beasty Boys. And Anton Karidian just wants to fight for his right to party. But Thomas Leighton will have no part in that. He's convinced that the leader of the Karidian Acting Troupe is actually Kodos the Executioner, who, as governor of Tarsus IV, executed half of the planet's population due to a food shortage. And that's pretty much half of the episode right there.

Much of the rest of the episode is littered with various scenes of Kirk turning on his A-game with Anton's daughter, Lenore. When Thomas Leighton ends up dead, Kirk decides he needs to study Anton more closely, so he offers to take the acting troupe to their next destination, and Lenore takes it as a chance to get to know her better. You see, Leighton was one of only a few living people who could identify Kodos. The others being Kirk and Riley, who are conveniently serving on the same ship. Kirk recognizes the similarities between Kodos and Anton, but this was 22 years ago; he has to be absolutely sure. I mean, it's not like the death penalty is at stake here. He didn't visit Talos IV, after all.

Just killed a few million people.

Well, since Riley is one of the people in danger of being killed by Kodos because of his ability to recognize him, Kirk orders him down to engineering so he's out of the way. It's important to note that the last time Riley was in engineering, he started his own radio program and broadcast it out to the whole ship with him singing old Irish songs. To prevent him from doing this again, he is served a glass of non-alcoholic milk. Well, that doesn't help a whole lot because while he's being distracted by Uhura singing over the comm, Consuela comes in and sprays Lemon Pledge all up in his glass.

No... no... Riley afuera.

Riley passes out from the poison and spills his milk, but he doesn't cry about it. He's immediately taken to sick bay and Bones is able to bring back to the land of the living.

In the middle of all this, Kirk is being secretive and Spock is trying to figure out why. Spock confides in Bones that he believes Kirk is trying to find Kodos and that Riley is a connection. Well, when Bones enters this into his log, Riley hears it. Now he knows that the man who killed his parents is alive and well and on board the Enterprise. So, loose cannon that he is, he grabs a phaser and goes after Anton.

Meanwhile Anton and the whole acting troupe are in the middle of performing Hamlet for the officers in the ship's theater. A small exchange for taking them to their next destination. While Anton is busy playing Hamlet's dad's ghost, Riley sneaks up behind the set and waits fro him to finish. Meanwhile, Kirk has been alerted that Riley knows about Anton and goes to find him. Anton finishes, Kirk finds Riley, Lenore comes up and tries to tell daddy that she has been killing people for his own good, and Kirk suddenly loses interest in her.

Why are all the good ones either taken or crazy as a bat?

In a rage, Lenore grabs Riley's phaser and tries to shoot Kirk, but Anton jumps in front of him and she hits him instead. Anton dead, she weeps over his body and makes a long, drawn-out performance of mourning her dearly departed father. And when Kirk has had enough of listening to the insane ramblings of a crazy woman, he takes her to sickbay. Driven completely mad by the death of Anton, she believes that he is still alive and performing for cheering audiences.

Overall Thoughts
Kids, revenge is never the answer. As Hamlet taught us hundreds of years ago, so Kirk will teach us in the future. This episode is a classic and tells a timeless tale. Not so sure of the acting involved, but the writing! Oh, the writing!

Star Trek: Asterisk "Weekly Aftermath - The Terror of the King's Menagerie"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 11:56:55 PST

Well, I got distracted down on the holodeck yesterday, but as promised (even if delayed), it's a podcast!

Listen to Steve expertly analyze (as I blather on and spout nonsense) this week's The Original Series episodes "The Menagerie, Part 2," "The Conscience of the King," and "Balance of Terror." We've replicated the soundwaves and you can find them here.

Don't forget - more reviews are coming your way in the next couple of days, but "The Menagerie, Part 2" is up now. And be sure to join us next Thursday at 6PM Eastern for our LIVE show! Until then, keep your sensors locked here, and be sure to have an open channel to #StarTrekAsterisk on Twitter.

EDIT: After talking with the Captain (and after he did some research for his written reviews), he determined that some of the false speculation we had about the Romulan/Human War while watching "Balance of Terror" was actually covered in Star Trek: Enterprise, so... Our bad. However, Steve fixed this in his written review. So go read it, already!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Menagerie part 2"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 11:02:58 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E12
Air Date: November 24, 1966
Written by: Gene Roddenberry
Directed by: Marc Daniels

Premise
The crew finishes up watching "The Cage" and then decides whether or not to allow Captain Pike to live on Talos IV.

Review
When we last left Kirk and friends, they were holding a court martial proceedings for Spock who had deliberately disobeyed General Order 7 and put Enterprise on a course for Talos IV after apparently kidnapping Captain Christopher Pike. At the start of the episode, Kirk recaps part 1 and reveals that the images they were viewing on the screen for Spock's defense had been transmitted from Talos IV, which is, in itself, a court martial offense. Now Spock has put not only himself, but Kirk in danger of the death penalty.

It started off as a slumber party where the senior officers on board the Enterprise were watching "The Cage" together, but now the Talosians have taken control of the ship and the view screen and are forcing them to watch it. I mean, not that I would complain in their position, but it's just a little heavy handed, don't you think? In any case, despite whatever decision they may have come to in the court martial proceedings, now they're stuck. They're being forced to continue. Every slumber party has a weakling, however. And soon enough, the screen goes blank and everyone notices that Pike has fallen asleep. The Talosians have decided to let everyone rest for a while.

And then Kirk drew vulgar images on Pike's face.

That's when Mendez decides to be a jerk and demands a quick explanation from Spock who insists that they will only fully understand after they reach Talos IV. So they rest while the commercials play, and when they come back, Pike is wide awake and ready to view the rest of the mission that he lived. Eventually the Talosians quit transmitting "The Cage" and Mendez tries to force a verdict on the court martial. Kirk, Mendez and Pike all find Spock guilty of violating General Order 7. Because any other verdict would completely ignore the fact that they were now taking orbit over Talos IV.

As they take orbit, Spock explains that the Talosians are now in complete control over the Enterprise as they had been back when he and Pike first went there. So they can't leave orbit until the Spock's mission is complete. And now that they're there, the Talosians see fit to continue "The Cage" for the officers. They're now at the part where The Keeper finds out about the Humans' history of violence and resistance to captivity. That's when The Keeper reveals that Vina, the woman that Pike had found on Talos IV, was not actually beautiful at all, but she had been horrible disfigured after her ship crashed onto the planet. They had been using their power of illusion to give her a beautiful appearance.

So that's why Spock wanted to bring Pike back. He wanted Pike to live the rest of his life with the illusion of his former youth and beauty and get him out of his wheelchair. And to do that, he was willing to sacrifice his career and his life in a trial that requires three command officers to oversee.

Well... That's awkward...

After "Mendez" disappears, it's revealed that he's never actually been there at all. The Talosians had made him appear there for Kirk's benefit so they could keep him occupied while the Enterprise traveled to Talos IV. And then Spock says the reason he did not simply reveal his plan to Kirk was to subject only himself to the death penalty. So the court martial proceedings were all fake and the real Mendez hails them from back on Starbase 11. He says that he has seen the Talosian transmissions from there and will suspend General Order 7 for this occasion.

Pike signals that he'll stay on Talos IV and then Spock brings him to the transporter room, but not before Kirk calls out his "flagrant emotionalism." Spock regards this as an insult, naturally, and says that his actions have been completely logical. When Pike is on the surface, The Keeper shows Kirk that Pike has received his illusion of health and happiness as he walks along the planet surface hand-in-hand with Vina.

And all is well that ends well.

Overall Thoughts
I'm not sure how I feel about Mendez suddenly disappearing and the whole thing being an illusion, but, to be fair, that's kind of the Talosians's "thing". Other than that, this has been a fantastic journey into Spock's character and his extreme loyalty. And it reuses the old "The Cage" footage perfectly. In any case, this is an essential Star Trek: The Original Series episode. If you haven't seen this one, you haven't really seen Star Trek.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Officer's Lounge - The Terror of the King's Menagerie"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 12:13:00 PST

While the Captain is taking a break down on the holodeck, I thought I'd go ahead and do something productive. Like posting this week's live Star Trek: Asterisk episode!

This week, Steve and I continued our dive into The Original Series with "The Menagerie, Part 2," "The Conscience of the King," and "Balance of Terror." Fill your ear holes with all the insanity by finding it here.

Later today, I'll toss the Aftermath your way. Plus, don't forget to be on the lookout for Steve's written reviews over the next couple of days. Have fun, you crazy kids!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Menagerie part 1"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 11:03:49 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E11
Air Date: Novemeber 17, 1966
Written by: Gene Roddenberry
Directed by: Marc Daniels

Premise
Spock invites Captain Pike over and leaves Kirk behind on Starbase 11. But then Kirk crashes the party and they all watch "The Cage" together.

Review
When Kirk arrives at Starbase 11, he tells Commodore Mendez that Spock as received a message from Captain Pike, who you might remember from "The Cage", the unaired pilot. Except he's not as much the young, strapping specimen of a human being anymore. Mendez swears that it's impossible for him to have sent a message because he'd been severely crippled in the line of duty. The only thing he's able to do anymore is control a light with his brain.

Kirk swears up and down that there's no way Spock could have lied to him. Someone sent a message to the Enterprise under Captain Christopher Pike's name. So when they leave Pike alone with Spock, it's rather a surprise tot he audience when Spock speaks secretively to him saying that the "plan" is underway. So then, while Kirk and Mendez try to figure out who sent the message, Spock runs amok in the Starbase and sets his plan into motion. By knocking people out in the IT department.

Leave the espionage to the Romulans.

He sends some false messages that sound like they're from Starfleet and from Kirk to make the Enterprise think that they have new orders to take Pike on board and go to an "unknown destination." So Spock kidnaps Pike, leaves Kirk behind on the starbase and takes the Enterprise to Talos IV.

This is after, mind you, Kirk was just made aware of the report from Captain Pike and Spock about their visit to this same planet and all the horrible things that happened there. Apparently it's punishable by death to visit Talos IV. Because, as we all know from watching "The Cage", the Talosians are... like... killers? I guess?

M**** better get my latinum.

So then Kirk chases after Spock on a shuttle along with Mendez, Spock sees them on sensors and, knowing they'll soon run out of gas, stops the ship so they can catch up. Then he asks Bones to take him away and put him under arrest for treason.

What follows is court martial proceedings for Spock. On trail for deliberately breaking General Order 7, Spock requests to show "The Cage" for his defense. So they turn on the TV and and everyone is amazed at the quality of the log. They even got shots from the outside of the ship! I'm not gonna go into what they watch, because you can go back and read about it with the above link. Suffice it to say, it chronicles Captain Pike's initial visit to Talos IV and how he thought he was going to save a colony, but ended up trapped inside a cage forced to live illusions.

Mendez thinks it's ridiculous that Spock is making them watch Star Trek instead of going on with the court case, but Kirk turns to Pike who beeps "yes" and that makes a majority, so they continue watching. In the middle, however, they find out that "The Cage" is being transmitted from Talos IV which is totally illegal and now that Kirk is in command of the ship, it's his responsibility to take. Spock has successfully endangered not only his own life, but the life of his beloved captain.

They take a short recess... and then...

To be continued...

Overall Thoughts
This is absolutely a classic episode of Star Trek: The Original Series... however, I just can't get past how in the world the death penalty is warranted for visiting a planet. I can understand a less severe penalty, but death? Aside from that, this is a very good episode to showcase exactly how Spock works; his loyalty, his logical method of carrying out a plan, his strong sense of friendship despite his Vulcan nature. "The Menagerie", however, is in two episodes because it is, quite literally, two separate episodes. It's "The Cage" contained within this story of how Spock risked his life for the sake of Pike. So... we'll continue this later.

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Corbomite Maneuver"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 07:00:04 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E10
Air Date: November 10, 1966
Written by: Jerry Sohl
Directed by: Joseph Sargent

Premise
The Enterprise goes where no human has gone before and finds herself tested by the First Federation in a game of poker.

Review
While Spock is in command on the bridge, Kirk is in sickbay getting a physical done. As they have literally gone beyond the point that anyone in the Federation has reached before, Spock starts to make some star charts. Suddenly, Sulu announces that they have made contact with an object traveling toward them at light speed. Clearly in danger of crashing, they try evasive maneuvers and deflectors, but nothing works. The object slows down... and then comes into view. It's a Giant Rubik's Cube of Doom.

Spock goes to red alert. And that's about the time when you would expect Kirk to report to the bridge, right? Except that Bones carefully hides the fact that they're at red alert because Kirk has been due for a physical for the past few months and it's about time he gets to finish one. Back on the bridge, some wannabe redshirt reacts emotionally to the Rubik's Cube of Doom and Spock berates him. Kirk finally makes it to the bridge and when no one can figure out what the heck the object is, Bailey says "I vote we blast it!" And who could blame him? I mean, look how menacing this thing is.

It's like a little glowing fruit snack... OF DOOM.

It takes about eighteen hours of study before the heads of departments assemble in the briefing room and decide that they still have no idea what the cube is. Spock suggests that it's either some kind of buoy or a "flypaper" meant to keep them there to die. So while Kirk prepares a strategy to navigate away from it, Bailey prepares the phasers and gets ready to fire. Then Kirk verbally smacks him upside the head and says "No! Move around it, you idiot!" (I wish.)

Well, that doesn't work. No mater where the Enterprise goes, the cube follows. And when it starts to emit radiation, Kirk orders phasers fired at it, but this time Bailey is too stricken by the object and stares at it like a little kid staring at TV screen. So Sulu steps in and saves the day. The cube is destroyed, the ship is rocked by the explosion and all because Sulu reached over another man's crotch.

Now that they're relatively safe, Spock suggests that if they head toward the object's origin, they might meet the fine folks that sent it on its way. So Kirk orders them ahead into unexplored space while he orders Bailey to supervise weapons drills. After a lengthy conversation with Bones about how crappy an officer Bailey is, Kirk decides he's being tortured by whoever assigned him an attractive female yeoman and then Sulu announces over the intercom that a ship is approaching.

Balls.

This new ship's captain introduces himself as Balok, captain of the First Federation ship, Fesarius. For the crime of blowing up his warning beacon, Balok warns that they have "TEN OF YOUR EARTH TIME PERIODS KNOWN AS MINUTES" before he destroys them. I mean, at least the guy has the common courtesy to let them pray before they die.

Calmly, Kirk tries to reason with Balok and, once that doesn't work, goes through a variety of other plans. This gets Bailey all riled up. He's not gonna go down like this! He stands up at his station and basically goes all kinds of crazy, which leads Kirk to relieve him and have Bones take him to his quarters. At around this time, Spock activates a visual from Balok's ship and finds him to be a scary kind of figure. Ya know, the same one you see at the end of the credits all the time.

Finally inspired by poker, Kirk decides to bluff Balok. He says that they have a secret weapon that no one knows about but senior personnel: a corbomite device that will take whatever weapon fired at them and fire it straight back. Balok seems to believe the captain as, when the time comes, he fails to fire on the Enterprise. Instead, he in forms them that he's about to take them to the nearest planet with a tractor beam. That's when the huge space-ball flies away and leaves in its place a tiny little tugboat.

THERE ARE FOUR BALLS!

When the tiny tugboat pulls the Enterprise away with a tractor beam, Kirk figures out a way to break free from it and drain the tugboat's power. After successfully accomplishing that, he beams over with McCoy and Bailey. Because Bailey needed to see the face of the unknown, apparently. And what was known (so they thought) was the face of Balok. But when they find that face, they find it to be a puppet. The real Balok is behind a curtain. And he's a quite cheery childlike guy. He offers the trio some tranya and reveals that this entire ordeal has really just been a test to see if the United Federation of Planets is worthy to be in contact with the First Federation. He says he's grown lonely out in space all alone and would like an ambassador from the UFP to stay with him and keep him company. So who do they choose to represent Earth? Why, the finest officer in the galaxy! The one who shrugged off fear at every chance! ...Oh, wait, no, Bailey.

Overall Thoughts
I absolutely love the character work in this episode! Really, the best thing about it had nothing to do with the plot. The little character moments, the clever quips and insights into back-stories are what really make this episode. This is an essential episode to watch. And now, I leave you with the return of possibly The Original Series' most obnoxious villain:

Star Trek: Asterisk "Weekly Aftermath - Dagger of the Corbomite Menagerie"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:27:33 PST

*walks in and looks around* Oh, look! There's a podcast here!

So, sorry about this week's podcast being late this week, kids. I was lost in space. Or near the Space Needle, whichever. But now that I'm back from my big fat vacation, IT'S PODCAST TIME! This week, the Captain and I take a look back at some very classic episodes from The Original Series: "Dagger of the Mind," "The Corbomite Maneuver," and "The Menagerie, Part 1." Now go get it!

Since I slacked this week, Steve already has his review of "Dagger of the Mind" posted, so stay tuned for the other two forthcoming. And in a mere 3 days, we have our triumphant return to the live broadcast! Keep it tuned here, and be sure to join us on Thursday at 6PM EST. Now go - you have a podcast to listen to!

Star Trek: Asterisk "Dagger of the Mind"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 10:34:53 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E09
Air Date: November 3, 1966
Written by: S. Bar-David
Directed by: Vincent McEveety

Premise
After sending some supplies to a penal colony, an escaped patient warns Kirk of a deadly mach- wait, holdon... there's a hot doctor on my screen...

Review
It starts off as a routine mission to bring supplies to Tantalus Penal Colony, but when Dr. Simon Van Gelder gets on board by hiding inside of a box, concern starts to be raised about the treatment of prisoners sent to this place. It is, perhaps, important to note that Bones raises the first concern, noting, before Van Gelder even gets on board, that "a box is a box" and, basically, all prisons are medieval torture chambers. Kirk argues that most prisons are more like resorts now-a-days. So, in the future, we don't punish criminals, we feed them shrimp cocktails and reserve pool-side seats for them.

Only, on this resort, the air conditioning has gone out. Which would explain Dr. Van Gelder's sweaty appearance. After an examination, Bones convinces Kirk that he needs to look over the Tantalus colony because something isn't right. Bones has observed Dr. Van Gelder experiencing tremendous amounts of pain when he only tries to remember something. Well, Kirk hesitates, but, in order to fill out a proper report, he decides it's going to be necessary, so he tells Bones to line up the best expert in the psychiatric field to help him.

Yes, Bones knows what Kirk likes.

Dr. Helen Noel is a psychiatrist with a background in rehabilitative therapy and, apparently, made out with Kirk at the last Christmas party. So, ya know... awkward feelings all around. And it doesn't really help when, as soon as they get onto the planet, they are shot down an incredibly fast elevator and end up falling in each other's arms.

When they meet with the administrator, Dr. Adams, he seems open and honest about everything that had been going on at the colony. He admits that Van Gelder was affected by a neural neutralizer, a device that he says has been a failed experiment on several test cases, but one that Dr. Van Gelder felt the need to test on himself.

Back on the ship, however, Spock and Bones are still trying to decipher what Van Gelder is trying to actually tell them. Spock decides that the only way to proceed is through a Vulcan mind meld. Through this meld, Spock discovers that Dr. Adam is experimenting with the neural neutralizer on many patients including his former assistant, Van Gelder. So Kirk and Dr. Noel go on to test this device. Kirk gets in the chair and Dr. Noel operates it. And how does she test it? By suggesting that Kirk live out one of her sexual fantasies.

"And then you whisked me away to your pirate ship!"

In the middle of probably the best action Kirk was going to get that day, Dr. Adams comes in, captures Dr. Noel and takes charge of the neural neutralizer. He tortures Kirk with it for a while and then sends him and Noel into private quarters. There, Kirk asks Dr. Noel to crawl through an air duct so ~~he can stare at her butt~~ she can get to the power controls. In the meantime, Dr. Adams takes Kirk back for another "treatment".

While Kirk is back on the chair, Noel switches off the power. Kirk gets up from the chair and fights with Dr. Adams while the power is out. Meanwhile, Spock is able to beam down with a security team. After Kirk knocks out Dr. Adams, a penal colony security officer is able to get past Dr. Noel and turn the power back on while Dr. Adams is laying in the chair. By the time Kirk, Sock and Noel find their way back to him, he had died. Died of a completely emptied mind.

...

Overall Thoughts
The moral of this story seems to be clear: The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Also, one should never have complete control over someone else's thoughts. It's a violation and immoral and could possibly lead to death. But, really, what I think we all learned through it all is that uniform designers in the 23rd century were gifts sent from God.

For People Who Like Clothes

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 19:29:51 PST

Wanna wear an asterisk on your chest? Or maybe your head? Cool! I can hook you up with some brand new merchandise from The Green Asterisk store! Click on the Store button to see a wide range of shirts and a couple of hats specifically for people like you: people who like clothes. There are even a few pajama options!

And you can still access all the DVDs and video games that Amazon has to offer through a link in the Astristore's sidebar.

Remember, every bit of money we make from these sales will go into giving you a more quality Green Asterisk experience. And, if I do say so myself, it's already pretty quality. So if you wanna see a Bright Shining Example of Quality, buy all the shirts! It's just like supporting your favorite band... except we don't do music... yet.

Edit: There's a maternity shirt that says "For women who like babies." You just can't pass that up.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Miri"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:07:06 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E08
Air Date: October 27, 1966
Written by: Adrian Spies
Directed by: Vincent McEveety

Premise
Upon finding a backup copy of Earth, the crew of the Enterprise race to find the cure to a disease that killed off anyone over puberty.

Review
It wouldn't be the first time the Enterprise has come across an "old style" Earth-like radio distress call, but it would be the first time it came from a planet that was exactly like Earth in every possible way... except that it's been abandoned. When the away team beams down, they find that it's exactly like Earth in the 1960's that has been abandoned for 300 years. And the only mystery we get to solve today is why it has been abandoned.

So, imagine if, in the 1960's, we, as a human race, started working on a life prolongation formula, and it worked, except anyone past puberty turns into a rage zombie and dies. Well, that's basically what happened on this planet. The first thing that the away team meets on this planet is one of the rage zombies who tries to attack before keeling over and dying. But they really start to get to the bottom of things when Kirk finds Miri hiding in a closet. That's when Bones examines her and finds the virus. And that's when she falls in love with Kirk.

Can you feel the love tonight?!

While Kirk tries to explain to Miri that it's just a little crush, Spock goes around the city and tries to find more kids. But the kids find him and throw stuff at him. This group of kids suspect the grown-ups of trying to take over and possibly kill them maybe. But while their brains may be over 300 years old, they still haven't developed common sense yet. This is the most annoying group of prepubescent scoundrels that have ever graced the small screen with their presence.

And they're lead by a clone of Patton Oswalt.

So, in short, Kirk and the crew have to come up with a cure before they die, all the while fighting off the paranoid delusions of a society of children. The "Onlies", as they call themselves, make matters worse by stealing the landing party's communicators which were the only connection they had with the ship's computers which they need in order to find a cure. To top it off, Miri, becoming jealous of Janice Rand, plots with the Onlies to kidnap her so that Miri can have some "alone time" with the captain.

Well, that hangs it. Maybe he's being a little too affected by the virus, but Kirk's hormones are in a rage, and he's got to get Janice back. Also the communicators. Right. Yeah. He barges into the Onlies' hideout and starts taking charge, like they knew he would do. They start chanting "BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" and Kirk, clearly more frustrated than one should ever be with a child (but justifiably so) yells awkwardly "NO BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"

And also no dignity!

Well, when Kirk returns with the communicators, he finds that Bones has gone and injected himself with the experimental vaccine that he needed the communicators in order to test. So, ya know... good job spending some time with the kids, Kirk. Now Bones is unconscious, but his blemishes from the virus are fading. So, overall success?

When they are cured, they return to the ship, leave a medical team with the kids and make some kind of joke about how much Kirk loves Janice. Then they're off on their merry way... without a care in the world that there is a second friggin Earth hanging out in space.

Overall Thoughts
There is just so much left unanswered in this episode. I mean, forget the fact that there is an extra backup of Earth; Why haven't these kids learned anything in the 300 years they've had to develop useful skills? How were they unable to figure out that grownups get the disease? Do they all suffer from some mental disorder, or do I just expect more intelligence out of children than Adrian Spies does? I have to admit, I don't particularly care for this episode. They can't all be gems, folks.

Star Trek: Asterisk "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 09:36:33 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E07
Air Date: October 20, 1966
Written by: Robert Bloch
Directed by: James Goldstone

Premise
Former fiancé to Nurse Chapel and professional mad scientist, Dr. Roger Korby, wants to make an entire race of sexy androids, but not if Kirk has anything to do with it.

Review
In this episode we find out that Nurse Chapel only joined the Enterprise so that she could one day look for her long-lost fiancé, Dr. Korby. Apparently Enterprise's five year mission is actually to reignite old flames. But just like Bones in "The Man Trap," she'll find that her former lover is not exactly what she remembers.

To be fair to the Enterprise, Dr. Korby is considered the "Pasteur of archeological medicine", whatever that means, and to let him stay lost forever would be a waste of a great mind. What's odd is that when they arrive at Exo III, Korby asks that Kirk beam down alone. Well, Kirk is ok with this, but he believes Korby can make an exception for Nurse Chapel. And as soon as Korby realizes that Chapel is there, he is more than excited and willing to see her face again.

And, really, who wouldn't be?

When Kirk and Chapel get down to the planet, Kirk decides that the redshirt population is getting out of control, so he calls for a couple of security guards. Before they have a chance to even find Korby, one of them falls down a deep cave and dies because Lurch here figured the redshirt was a threat.

I don't call him that lightly. He really is Lurch. Look it up.

When they find Korby, Korby explains that Lurch is an android created by "The Old Ones" and that The Old Ones' technology is how Korby survived the lethal frostbite he had gotten on the planet's inhospitable surface. He also introduces who is possibly the hottest robot on the face of the universe: Andrea. He uses Andrea to illustrate how awesome androids are. How they can kiss you and slap you if only you program them correctly. He goes on to explain that his plan is to replace key people in Starfleet with androids and start taking over the galaxy with an entire android race.

When Kirk expresses concern that perhaps Dr. Korby is losing his mind, Korby attempts to prove he's completely sane by kidnapping Kirk and making an android version of him. The copy is able to fool Nurse Chapel, but due to Kirk's ingenious plan to implant false memories during the duplication process, Spock is able to see that the android version is not the real one when he comes up to the ship for information.

That is, without a doubt, not the same rear end.

Back on the planet, Android Kirk conspires with Korby to execute Korby's plan while real Kirk is being guarded by Lurch. And Andrea is attempting to learn the ways of humanity from Nurse Chapel. So then Kirk does what Kirk does best and attempts to seduce Andrea. But Andrea wasn't programmed for it, apparently, so she kinda breaks down a bit and goes running back to Korby.

Kirk then turns Lurch against Korby and Korby is forced to shoot him. In a scuffle with Kirk afterwards, it's revealed that Korby is, himself, an Android. Which totally explains to Nurse Chapel why he had been so distant and uncaring. In a huff, Korby commands Andrea to shoot Kirk, she shoots the android Kirk by mistake, Kirk waxes eloquent about how Korby's "perfect" race has started killing each other, Andrea hugs Korby and then Korby kills them both. When Spock comes down to the planet with a security team, all he finds left are Kirk and Nurse Chapel.

There is an upside to this tragedy, however. With Korby gone, Chapel decides that she wishes to finish her tour on the Enterprise. Other than that, the ending of this episode is a real downer. If they hadn't disintegrated, dead android bodies would be everywhere.

Overall Thoughts
This is one of those high-thinking morality exercises where it's not really a problem we'll have to face in our lifetime, but it'll probably one day be worth considering. What is the difference between android life and human life? And at what point does there become a difference? And if the philosophy doesn't get you, the hot android chick will.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Mudd's Women"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 14:16:16 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E06
Air Date: October 13, 1966
Written by: Stephen Kandel
Directed by: Harvey Hart

Premise
Intergalactic space pimp, Harcourt Fenton Mudd, hitches a ride on the Enterprise to sell his "cargo" at a nearby mining facility.

Review
It starts with the Enterprise doing what they do best: saving a ship from certain doom. In the process, however, they damage their own dilithium crystals. They use the transporter to beam up a fat dude with a gaudy earring and he immediately instructs them to beam aboard his women, Ruth Bonaventure, Eve McHuron and Magda Kovacs. They aren't his crew, they aren't his passengers... they are his cargo.

You see, Harcourt Fenton Mudd is a space pimp. He sells sex. And business is, apparently, booming. But we're not initially privy to this information. After they beam everyone aboard, the cargo ship explodes from overheating. But now Kirk wants to get to the bottom of things, so he holds an investigation. The investigation does not go well for Mudd. You see, he had introduced himself as Leo Walsh. But the computer easily recognizes him by his true identity. After which time Mudd says that Walsh was the former registered captain of the cargo vessel who had died "unexpectedly" and he took Walsh's name "en memorandum."

Riiiiiiiiight

Meanwhile, Mudd's women are running amok all over the ship distracting the male crewmen and being the sluts that they are. They're really very distracting, though I can't imagine why.

Ladies and gentlemen, director Harvey Hart.

During Mudd's investigation, it's brought to light that he is wanted for many crimes, but before Kirk can convict him, the lights flicker. Well, all the damage that took place during the rescue requires the Enterprise to go in for repairs, so they set course for a mining colony to fill up on lithium. Turns out, there are three men on the Rigel XII mining colony, just the right amount for Mudd to sell his women.

Before they get there, Mudd manages to tap into their communication frequencies and tell them all about his wares. So when Kirk finally gets a hold of them, they ask for a trade. They'll give them lithium if they can have Mudd's women. Well, there's no way the Enterprise can do anything else without the lithium, so they hand over the women and drop all charges against Mudd, as per the deal.

Ben Childress, one of the miners, hooks up with Eve. And the morning after, discovers that she had turned into an old hag. Why? Because she's all out of curiously strong Venus pills.

Someone get this woman a Talosian, STAT!

Turns out these Venus pills, while highly illegal because of their harmful and addictive nature, turns average-looking women into gorgeous sluts. Perfect for pimps of all planets. After spending the night back on the Enterprise making repairs, Kirk beams back down to inform Childress of the Venus pill discovery and Childress is less than pleased that Eve's perceived beauty isn't natural. Kirk then gives Eve a handful of fruit snacks and says they're Venus pills. She appears to grow more beautiful, but then Kirk reveals that she'd just ruined her diet by eating Gushers.

So true beauty comes with confidence! The more you know!

Overall Thoughts
"Mudd's Women" was originally pitched to be the pilot episode, but Paramount wasn't too keen on the idea of opening the series with an intergalactic space pimp, so they pushed it back to later in the season. Then they actually wrote the script from Roddenberry's treatment and it turned out to be kind of a filler episode. Sure, there was a lot of eye candy, and Mudd himself is pretty amusing, but it just kind reaches the brink of being a good story without actually crossing over. Perhaps it was the lack interaction between our lovable crew mates. In any case, not the best Original Series episode, but certainly not awful, either.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Weekly Aftermath - What Is Mudd's Little Miri Made Of?"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:15:49 PST

I left on a jet plane, and I don't know when I'll be back again...

Alright, fine, I'll be back on the 20th, but until then, have a listen to this week's Aftermath! Steve and I give our thoughts about this week's The Original Series episodes, "Mudd's Women", "What Are Little Girls Made Of?", and "Miri". Grab the delicious ear candy right here.

Don't miss me too much while I'm gone, you guys. Besides, you'll have Steve's AWESOME reviews coming later this week, so keep it tuned right here!

Star Trek: Asterisk "Officer's Lounge - What is Mudd's Little Miri Made Of?"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:41:27 PST

Live from Tampa International Airport, it's Friday evening!

That's right, kids. I'm literally about to get on a plane to jet off to Seattle - the magical land of rain, Starbucks, and Microsoft. But before I leave, I want to make sure you guys have something to keep you occupied. This week, the Captain and I watched our next set of episodes from The Original Series: "Mudd's Women", "What Are Little Girls Made Of?", and "Miri". It was definitely ladies' night last night. Looking for the audio goodness? Well, it's right here, of course.

Also, be sure to stay tuned later when I post the Aftermath, in which Steve and I build a plotline with our BARE HANDS. Have fun!

Site Updates

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:34:44 PST

Usually I only do a site update post if there have been MAJOR changes, but in the past few weeks I've made a whole lot of little changes that probably warrant mentioning.

First of all, if you haven't checked out the countdown clocks at the bottom of the page which have been there for ages, please do. You'll find the very handy countdown to the end of the world as well as the deadline for hoverboards.

The first little thing I added was a Popular Posts widget so you can track exactly how popular my Velociraptor Awareness post continues to be in comparison to every other post on the blog.

SPOILER ALERT: Zack's tend to be more popular than mine.

For a while now I've been displaying my own tweets on the sidebar, but since Zack has joined the team, I went ahead and changed around the Twitter feed to display a list which includes Me, Zack and the GreenAsterisk account.

I make up for it with more popular tweets.

Lastly, the biggest change. Here's the screenshot first...

FIND ALL THE PAGES!

You're probably familiar with the Home button and the Dark Matter button. They've been there forever. If you haven't checked out Dark Matter, please do, though! The rest are as follows:

YouTube: For a while I'd had a Videos page that displayed a bunch of favorite videos and original videos from YouTube. Well, I decided that was kind of lame, and since YouTube has some awesome new features now-a-days, I just linked it directly to my profile where you can find all the same videos, but laid out more awesomely.
Store: I had also had a link to our Amazon store, but it was really a link to a page that redirects to the store. Well, I just found out that I could make "pages" links, so instead of an annoying redirect, you'll just go directly to the store. Easy!
Tumblr: Probably the most significant update is the fact that I've moved my Tumblr account to tumblr.TheGreenAsterisk.com and you can get there directly from the home page using this button. If you have a Tumblr account, you will be able to follow me there to see all the regular blog posts as well as awesome and hilarious stuff I find all over Tumblr and the Internet at large.
Find Steve: If you ever want to get in contact with me, this button will take you to my Google+ profile which has absolutely every way you could possibly need to find me. There is no reason you should ever feel I'm impossible to get a hold of.
Find Zack: Zack has a similar page, but it's one that he made for himself over on his personal blog. We're both incredibly easy to find. I think secretly we both want to be stalked.

So that's it! Everything you ever wanted to know about the recent Green Asterisk updates. Don't hesitate to ask me if you ever have an idea for the site or a suggestion for a post. And let me know what you think about these updates in the comments below!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Enemy Within"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:59:25 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E05
Air Date: October 6, 1966
Written by: Richard Matheson
Directed by: Leo Penn

Premise
A transporter malfunction splits Kirk into two separate versions of himself: a pansy and a constipated, angsty overractor.

Review
See, usually it's the redshirt that's getting into trouble, but this time it's the redshirt who causes trouble. Fisher took a tumble down on Alfa 177 and got covered in a strange magnetic ore, so that when they beamed him up to sickbay he screwed up the inner workings of the transporter. Well, then they had to pack things up and leave before night came and it became 130 degrees below zero on the planet's surface. Kirk takes it upon himself to go up first... but the transport takes a little longer than normal.

After Kirk leaves the transporter room, Kirk enters the transporter room. Evil Kirk, that is. It's immediately apparent that this new Kirk is evil by the tone of the music, the angle of the camera and the guyliner. (Give 'em a break, it's the 60's). Evil Kirk runs amok around the ship before the transporter malfunction is discovered. He demands liquor from Bones, attempts to assault Yeoman Rand and generally goes around making angry faces.

By this time, Good Kirk has changed into his fatsuit so the two are now more easily distinguished. Also, Spock confronts him about the actions of Evil Kirk thinking it was him, and Good Kirk swears he didn't do anything. Eventually, after talking to Rand, they figure out there's an intruder on board. To make matters worse, Scotty figured out what was wrong with the transporter by beaming up a space dog.

AKA The costume department's mascot.

Evil Kirk grows more and more wild, but Spock and Good Kirk figure that he'll eventually end up in Engineering. They go after him, a fight ensues and Evil Kirk takes out a transporter ionizer just before Spock takes him down with a neck pinch. And this makes it impossible to bring up the away team on the planet that's about to freeze them.

And here we see George Takei in his natural habitat.
Surrounded by men under blankets.

Scotty finally believes he's repaired the transporter, but he needs a test subject. And there just happens to be a space dog. So they put the space dog on the transporter and beams him out and back in... and he dies. Spock insists it's because the dog didn't understand what was happened and was in shock. But clearly Kirk would survive because of his superior intellect.

Back in sickbay, Good Kirk sits and ponders his decision while looking over his recovering evil half. Being the trusting, altruistic and naive guy that Good Kirk is, he lets Evil Kirk go... and Evil Kirk immediately tries to take over the ship. Unfortunately, Evil Kirk is not able to handle the strain of living without his good half, so he collapses and they bring Evil Kirk into the transporter room with Good Kirk who gives him a hug and they step onto the transporter pad. They beam him up and back in... And he's saved!

Immediately, Kirk commands Scotty to beam up the away team, and they survive with only minor frostbite. Nothing that can't be fixed.

Overall Thoughts
This episode takes a classic sci-fi concept, that of exploring two halves of human nature by literally splitting a character in two, and makes it Star Trek's own classic story. Sure, there are things left to be desired, such as the William Shatner School of Acting, but the issues brought to light by the concept are more than enough to make up for it. Our "good" halves cannot survive, cannot function without our "evil" halves. They work in tandem to make a well-rounded human being. Beautiful episode, this one!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Naked Time"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:37:54 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E04
Air Date: September 29, 1966
Written by: John D. F. Black
Directed by: Marc Daniels

Premise
A crazy space disease makes the crew act like they're attending a house party hosted by John Belushi. Which is inconvenient considering their precarious position over a gravitationally unstable planet.

Review
The planet Psi 2000 used to be just as awesome as Earth, but lately it has found itself to be disintegrating. A Federation science team was sent to study the gravitational effects of this disintegration, but when the Enterprise comes to check on them, they are found dead. So what can explain this turn of events? And how did they end up in such strange positions as showering with their clothes on? And is it the gravitational instability that makes random blood splotches drip sideways? And why would any Starfleet officer take off his glove in the middle of such an investigation!?

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much of an answer for that last question, but Lt. Tormolen does it anyway. And the sideways-dripping blood gets all over his hand and then he wipes his face with that hand. When he and Spock get back onto the ship, they are cleared by Bones, but Tormolen seems a little more troubled than he should be. He's told to get some rest while the crew muses on what could have happened on the surface.

The disintegration of Psi 2000 causing gravitational fluctuations which means Scotty has to be ever on guard to fix their orbit around the planet. So, other than an admission from Spock that there are some limitations in their scanning technology, Kirk is confident that they can continue researching the planet so long as no one goes crazy.

Just then, someone goes crazy.

YOU'RE NOT PROPERLY BUTTERED!

Tormolen ends up stabbing himself in an attempt to prove a point that space doesn't belong to the Federation. In the struggle, Sulu and Riley become infected. Bones is later unable to save Tormolen's life from the stabbing for whatever reason. But Sulu and Riley don't care. They're drunk as a skunk now. After being slow in making a course correction from the gravitational shift, Sulu abandons his station and Riley becomes more Irish than ever, sassing back to Spock. Spock orders him to report to sickbay, and I imagine getting off the bridge is his only motivation for complying. While there, he flirts with Nurse Chapel who subsequently becomes infected herself.

Meanwhile, on deck 15:

He is now properly buttered.

When the ship starts to lose control, Kirk calls down to engineering and finds that Riley has expelled the entire engineering crew including Scotty and locked himself inside. Now over the ships speakers, Riley begins to broadcast his own comedy show even worse than Leno.

Spock then wanders the corridors observing random crew madness and then checks on Nurse Chapel who, confessing her love for Spock, ends up infecting him. And then we see the saddest scene to ever come out of Star Trek. It's never a pleasant thing to see a Vulcan cry. Especially when he's got parental issues. He's losing emotional control, and he's bringing the viewers down with him.

Scotty eventually breaks into engineering, but finds that Riley has stopped the engines and it would take twenty minutes to warm them back up. With the decaying orbit, the Enterprise only has eight minutes to spare. Luckily, Scotty comes up with a way to execute a cold-restart with a controlled matter-antimatter implosion in balanced engines at the same time that Bones comes up with a cure to the infection.

"Be sure the aft plasma injectors in the secondary EPS manifolds
have been properly buttered, Mr. Scott."

That's when Kirk finds Spock breaking down in the briefing room. He tries to snap him out of it, but instead becomes infected himself. Then he starts rambling on about how he's married to the ship or some such nonsense. He does admit, however, that Janice Rand is beautiful and desirable. But given the choice, he goes for his ship and heads out to save her.

So Bones delivers the cure and Scotty prepares the implosion. And after we've learned all the little details behind the motivations of major characters through the truth-telling mechanism of intoxication, Kirk orders the implosion and what happens? They unexpectedly end up going back three days into the past. For no apparent reason other than ~magical physics~. And that's the end!

Overall Thoughts
To be fair, this episode was originally supposed to be a two-parter ending with "Tomorrow is Yesterday", a time travel episode. So the time travel wasn't originally for no reason. In any case, intoxication is a good way to really get to know the people you're hanging with. And it's no different in space... except it happens without alcohol. Add this as another classic episode of a classic series!

Star Trek: Asterisk "Charlie X"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:46:41 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E02
Air Date: September 15, 1966
Written by: D. C. Fontana
Directed by: Lawrence Dobkin

Premise
What's worse than a teenager? A teenager with superpowers. Worse still: a teenager with superpowers and absolutely no social skills.

Review
The U.S.S. Antares is a ~~cargo vessel~~ ~~transport ship~~ ~~science-probe vessel~~ ~~survey ship~~ weirdly shaped Federation starship that was on its way through space after exploring Thasus. A ship had crashed on this planet several years ago and the sole survivor is a seventeen-year-old kid by the name of Charles Evans. They picked the kid up and it is now the job of the U.S.S. Enterprise to take him to civilization while the Antares gets back to work.

Once on board, Charlie meets his true love!

And basically the true love of everyone on the ship

At first Charlie has to confirm that Yeoman Rand is a girl, because it's the first girl he had ever seen. But after he knows that, he falls completely. Then he attempts to integrate into normal life by doing things like slapping Janice on the butt, magically silencing Uhura so that he can have Janice's attention, trying to show Janice a card trick, ignoring Janice's younger friend, and talking to other people about Janice.

Oh, yeah, did I mention that Charlie has superpowers? That's probably what the Antares called back to warn the Enterprise about, but before they could say anything, they were destroyed. "It wasn't very well constructed," says Charlie, which was an odd thing to say since no one was sure that it was destroyed at the time he said it.

Well, now it's time for Charlie to figure out what else he likes to do besides look at Janice creepily, so he tries some three-level chess with Spock. When he loses in two moves, he melts all of Spock's pieces. Kirk tries to befriend him and takes him to the gym for some light sparring, but when Charlie gets annoyed by another man in the gym he activates his magical teenage powers and makes him "go away." Well, that's when Kirk really gets alarmed about Charlie.

It wasn't when he stole the pajamas right off of Kirk's back.

Well, now everyone knows about Charlie's powers. Kirk speculates that he's secretly a Thasian, but Bones insists that, medically, he reads as completely human. Charlie then admits to destroying the Antares, but justifies it by saying they were mean to him and probably would have blown up anyway. His jig being up, he takes full control of the Enterprise. He really wants to get to Colony 5 where he assumes people will actually like him. But Kirk knows how dangers it would be if he ever actually got there. His mission now: to take back control of his ship.

In the mean time, Charlie wanders the corridors, turns Janice's younger friend into a lizard, visits Janice in her quarters, almost attempts to rape her, but instead makes her "go away". Kirk and Spock try to lock him up in the brig, but Charlie makes the force field and half of the wall "go away".

It wasn't very well constructed.

Then Charlie stomps around like the angsty teenager that he is, makes a young crew-woman old, takes away the faces of some laughing crewmen, and generally just acts like a douche. Ever the gambling man, Kirk decides that if Charlie has to focus on keeping the Enterprise under control, his powers will be weakened. So he has Spock and Bones do random things on the computer to occupy Charlie, but then, suddenly...

A WILD THASIAN APPEARS!

It took these guys a while to figure out that Charlie had left their planet and then come after him. They restore the Enterprise back to normal and return Janice on the bridge. The Thasian then explains to the bridge crew that they granted Charlie the powers he had so that he could survive on the planet. And for some reason they can't take these powers away, I guess. Certain that it would be impossible for Charlie to live a normal life with his own people, and despite Charlie's own pleas to stay with the crew, the Thasians bring him back to their "ship" thinggie and leave.

And the crew is left sitting on the bridge... to contemplate... the meaning of life.

Overall Thoughts
The rise and fall of a teenage god. This was a pretty great episode. It kind of drives home Gene Roddenberry's theme of power without responsibility. So far we've had two of these kinds of episodes in four, though. I hope he doesn't wear the idea thin.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Weekly Aftermath - The Enemy Within Charlie X's Naked Time"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:26:06 PST

Button, button... Who's got the button?

Ah-HA! There it is. *pushes button* The Captain and I have just finished up this week's Aftermath session and we wanted to share it with you! For all your listening pleasure, have a podcast. Guaranteed that you'll like it, or your money back.

And don't forget to keep it tuned here to TheGreenAsterisk.com (or on Twitter - @GreenAsterisk) for Steve's written reviews coming later this week. Plus, be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or Zune (available wherever music software is sold).

Star Trek: Asterisk "Officer's Lounge - The Enemy Within Charlie X's Naked Time"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:50:31 PST

How about a nice game of chess?

No? Then how about a really AWESOME week of Star Trek: Asterisk instead?! Because that's what we've got for you today! This week, we continue our "trek" (see what I did there?) into The Original Series with three new episodes: "Charlie X," "The Naked Time," and "The Enemy Within." Take a listen as I've finally kicked the weird congestive crud I've had for the last couple of weeks, and Steve continues to somehow manage to deal with my shenanigans as they accelerate back into warp speed! You'll be able to find all the delicious audio goodness here.

Also, stay tuned later this weekend for another round of the Weekly Aftermath, and enjoy!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Man Trap"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:49:30 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E01
Air Date: September 8, 1966
Written by: George Clayton Johnson
Directed by: Marc Daniels

Premise
When the Enterprise visits Bones' old girlfriend, people start dying. Turns out a shape-shifting salt monster is to blame and Bones is the only one who can kill it, despite its beautiful form.

Review
Kirk, Bones and ~~Ensign Rickey~~ Crewman Darnell beam down to planet M-113 in order to deliver supplies and perform routine medical exams to Dr. Robert Crarter and his wife Nancy. The catch? Nancy is McCoy's ex-girlfriend. Which would be awkward for the old country doctor, but humanity has evolved beyond romantic awkwardness, right? ...Right?

When they get down to the planet, something is amiss because Kirk, Bones and Darnell all see different people when they look at Nancy. Kirk sees Nancy as she should be, Bones sees Nancy as though she hadn't changed since the last time he met her, and Darnell sees a hooker he once bought on a pleasure planet. Having embarrassed himself, Kirk dismisses Darnell, but when Nancy leaves to purportedly get Dr. Crarter, she turns into that hooker again and lures Darnell away. That's when Dr. Crarter comes in and Bones insists on performing a physical on him, due to Starfleet regulations. Dr. Crarter, however, is pretty argumentative and insists that they leave immediately leaving them only some salt.

Back outside, the blood-curdling screams of Nancy catch everyone's attention. And when they go to investigate, they find Crewman Darnell with red rings of death all over his face.

Thus the first redshirt is blue.

Nancy says he had eaten a poisonous plant, but Bones obviously has to perform an autopsy anyway.

Back on the Enterprise, Uhura is basically throwing herself at Spock. She tries to start a conversation with him, but apparently they had broken up by this point, so he's unemotional and short with her. Speaking of unemotional, when the landing party gets beamed back up, the report one dead and Spock acknowledges with no more than a glance. And Uhura's all like "Boy, you did not just blow off the fact that someone just died!"

But that's the odd part, because when Bones examines Darnell he can't find anything wrong with him at first. In fact, he should just get up and walk away. Well, Bones brings Kirk back into sickbay later and tells him that he discovered that Darnell had been completely drained of salt (which you'd think would have a more visible effect than just red rings of death). So Kirk and a couple other redshirts go back down to the planet in order to bring Dr. Carter and Nancy back up to the ship. And that's when Nancy kills both of the redshirts and takes the form of Crewman Green.

Back on the ship, Crewman Green runs amok, creeping around and following Yeoman Rand who's carrying a dinner tray with a salt shaker. Then he turns into a random black crewman and stalks Uhura. Frustrated that he can't lure anyone in carefully, he finally attacks someone at random. Then he turns back into Nancy and goes looking for Bones.

To be fair... who wouldn't want to stalk this?

When the random guy turns up dead, Kirk and Spock beam back down to the planet to retrieve Dr. Crarter, but he's not willing to join them. Some phaser fire ensues and then Kirk successfully stuns Dr. Crarter. That's when Crarter explains that the creature they knew as Nancy was actually the last salt monster on the entire planet. It had killed the real Nancy and now he and it were in love and living very happily together. And all it really required was salt. And love. Salt and and love.

In the briefing room, Kirk holds a conference with department heads and Professor Crater. The salt monster appears at this meeting as Bones. Crater explains that he and the last surviving salt monster have formed a symbiotic relationship. Crater provided it with the needed salt and, in turn, the creature gave the professor companionship, something Crater craved since the it murdered his wife, the real Nancy, for her salt.

After the meeting, the salt monster, in the form of Bones, goes off with Spock and Crater. And then kills Crater, seriously injures Spock and changes into Nancy Crater, nearly killing the real McCoy [see what I did there?]. Kirk rushes to the doctor's quarters to convince him that this is not the real Nancy, but the salt monster paralyzes Kirk and goes in for the kill. At that moment, Spock rushes in, seeing the salt monster going for Kirk and Bones just standing there, phaser in hand. Spock freaks out and tries to beat up on the salt monster who is in the form of Nancy, but it's too strong for him. When Bones is satisfied that it's not really Nancy, In an emotionally painful move, he kills the creature, saving himself and the Enterprise crew.

And then Kirk evokes the extinct buffalo and everyone happy and that's the end.

Overall Thoughts
This was the very first episode that was introduced to the public at large, and it had pretty much everything it needed to have: a mystery, a beautiful woman, a monster and some crazy sci-fi stuff. And besides that, it had some pretty great character development for most of the crew, but especially for Bones. More importantly, everyone is in the kind of uniform they ought to be in! All is as it should be now! Excellent episode.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Where No Man Has Gone Before"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:15:09 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E03
Air Date: September 22, 1966
Written by: Samuel A. Peeples
Directed by: James Goldstone

Premise
After passing through the galactic barrier, Gary Mitchell, Kirk's life-long friend, becomes imbued with god-like powers and learns that with great power comes great ego.

Review
As Kirk explains in his log, the U.S.S. Valiant traveled out to the edge of the galaxy and ran into the galactic barrier. "Galactic barrier??" one might say, "But I thought the galaxy just faded slowly into space! What's this about a barrier??" Well, that's exactly what Starfleet said, so they sent the Valiant to find out! Whatever it was, it caused the captain of the Valiant to order a self destruct after looking up information on psionics.

So, after the Valiant blew up, they left behind their black box type thinggie and the Enterprise picked it up. Welp! They know what happened to the Valiant now. Time to go home, right? NOPE! We're the frakking U.S.S. Enterprise! We must investigate! So they set a course for the galactic barrier, and thus Kirk's distinguished career begins in much the same way as it would eventually end.

A giant, brightly colored...

...energy ribbon in space.

When they approach the galactic barrier, they experience some turbulence (as expected, really) and Gary Mitchell as well as Dr. Elizabeth Dehner are singled out with a sort of electric shock that turns them into photo-negatives for a split second. After a while, though, it becomes apparent that Gary Mitchell has been a little more affected. Dr. Piper assures Kirk that Gary is in perfect health, but he's definitely in more than just perfect health. He shows the ability to read thoughts, read through entire databanks in seconds, move things with his thoughts, control his heart rate, etc.

Well, eventually Gary proves himself to be becoming dangerous. His powers have given him a lust for control over the galaxy. Spock surmises that this is the same reason that the Valiant destroyed itself. So Kirk has to come up with a plan. That plan: maroon him on a deserted planet.

"What! I thought I was the first!"

When they get there, Gary gets locked up behind a force field and he's not quite strong enough yet to get past that. Luckily for him, Dr. Dehner starts to find her own powers and helps him escape. They find their way to a nearby clearing and Gary starts creating a new Eden. But Kirk goes after him with a phaser rifle. Gary tries to kill Kirk with his psionic abilities, but he takes too long and Dr. Dehner, who isn't quite inhuman yet, attacks him. She is successful in weakening him, but he remorselessly kills her. With his powers temporarily gone, he gets in a fist fight with Kirk and for the very first time Kirk rips his shirt. Shooting his phaser rifle at nearby pile of rock, Kirk causes a landslide and kills Gary with a huge boulder.

When it's all said and done, Kirk sits on the bridge and Spock admits that he felt some emotion for Gary Mitchell. Ah, the smiley Vulcan. We shall miss you.

Overall Thoughts
This pilot was Paramount Pictures' introduction to Kirk and his crew, but it was the third episode to air to the public. I really think it should have been the first episode. As a good friend of Kirk, Gary Mitchell should have had a bigger role in the first two stories if he was part of the crew. Be that as it may, this was a great story that begins the long tradition of Star Trek to comment on how sentient beings need to evolve their sense of responsibility before their power gets ahead of them. Appropriate for the Cold War ear, methinks. This is just the beginning of great things to come!

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Cage"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 10:55:26 PST

Vital Information
Series: The Original Series
Episode: S01E00
Air Date: October 18, 1988
Written by: His Royal Highness, Gene Roddenberry
Directed by: Robert Butler

Premise
Captain Christopher Pike battles a race of perverted voyeur aliens on Talos IV by channeling his inner Angry Archer while the Talosians feed him holodeck-like illusions. Truly an episode before its time.

Review
In the beginning of this episode, it takes a long time for the crew of the Enterprise to decode and respond to a distress call. Nothing against them; I mean, they have to verify everything, but at some point you just want them to get going already. And then Pike spends a lot of time in his room regretting being in Starfleet and complaining to his doctor about how tired he is with command. It's probably a good thing that Pike was only in one episode. You get the feeling he just couldn't handle much more stress.

So they finally answer the distress call and it leads them to Talos IV where a scientific expedition had been sent out. They had apparently crashed and among the survivors was a beautiful young woman by the name of Vina. They have a little getting-to-know-you session and finally, Vina lures poor Captain Pike to an elevator where a Talosian appears and gasses him. The rest of the survivors and their camp are revealed to be an illusion and the crew of the Enterprise is left with mouths agape.

Well played, Butt-Heads.

Turns out the Talosians need an Adam and Eve type of situation. They had become extremely powerful in the mind, but after indulging their illusory sides, their bodies had become atrophied. So now Pike and Vina are supposed to help them start a whole new powerful race. Because a Starfleet captain is bound to be an impeccable physical specimen.

So in order to make Pike romantically interested in Vina, they put them through a series of illusory tests. First the make her a Rigelian princess, and he has to protect her from a Manbearpig. Then they turn her into an Orion slave girl, but he still resists her sultry advances. Finally, they turn her into a loving, compassionate companion which is when Pike reveals that he was born and raised in Mojave, which has been turned into a lush green area instead of a desert. In the middle of all this, Pike discovers that the Talosians are unable to read through "primitive" emotions such as fear and anger.

And probably herp-derpity.

Meanwhile, Pike is refusing to become involved with Vina, so while the Enterprise puts together an away team, the Talosians make sure they only beam down THE WOMEN! Number One and the yeoman are the only two of the team that makes it to the surface, but they are now trapped along with Pike and Vina, and Pike is forced to choose one to be the Eve to his Adam. Pike obviously refuses. Because he's gay. (So I hear...)

Using the knowledge that the Talosians can't read primitive emotions, Pike attacks one of the Talosians while the Talosian thought Pike was a sleep and attempted to feed him. It takes a real man to attack and bring down a physically atrophied alien. And then the Talosian uses his power of illusion to turn himself into some kind of ape creature, but Pike isn't just angry. He's angry and smart. He doesn't fall for it, and he demands the Talosian turn back to regular form and give him his phaser. Phaser in hand, he blasts at his glass encasement. It doesn't appear to work, but Pike, smart guy that he is, figures it out. The Talosian was only making it look like it was still in tact. When the Talosian lets his illusion down, a huge, gaping hole in the wall is revealed, and the captives escape.

On the surface of the planet, the Talosians catch up with Pike and the women, and after they explore the Enterprise's databanks, they find that humans have a history of hating captivity and, thus, would be a poor choice to start their new race. They allow Number One and the yeoman to beam up, but Pike stays behind to give Vina a chance to choose to come with him. But then, the twist! She doesn't want to come. She would prefer the land of illusions. But why? The Talosians release their illusory powers from her, and it's revealed that the only reason she initially escaped the crash is because all the kings horses and all the kings men were able to put her together again.

More the horses than the men, really.

Pike agrees to let her stay under two conditions: the Talosians give her back her illusion of beauty, and they give her a fake Pike to play around with. Back on the Enterprise, Pike settles back down in the captain's chair one last time. And then the cute yeoman goes and makes things awkward by asking who he would have chosen as his "Eve." Welp... That's why they're no longer the crew.

Overall Thoughts
The story in this episode is pretty great and indicative of the kind of storytelling Roddenberry does in general; the kind of storytelling that we're in for for the rest of the series. It's unfortunate that we don't get to know this crew a little bit more, but, on the other hand, I love the Kirk crew. And Spock just grows and grows. There may be a few things to be desired, but all-in-all, it's the kind of pilot that I, as a Paramount executive, would sign on for at least four seasons.

Star Trek: Asterisk "Weekly Aftermath - The Cage Where No Man Trap Has Gone Before"

steve@thegreenasterisk.com (Steve Beaudry) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 15:14:34 PST

And now, for something completely awesome!

Steve and I have finished going over this week's episodes from The Original Series ("The Cage," "Where No Man Has Gone Before," and "The Man Trap"), and the resulting podcast is now available for you, our faithful viewers! Plus, we've got a special treat this week. We're now recording from the bridge of the Enterprise! That means we have brand new recording equipment and a great atmosphere for which to blather on about our favorite series - just listen for the beeps in the background.

But wait - there's more! Wanna subscribe to the podcast? Good, because you had better. Just go to your favorite media player, subscribe to http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheGreenAsterisk, and you'll be able to follow along in our audible adventures.

Have fun!