I’m crossposting this from my other blog, and it’s a little bit of a downer, but it’s about parenting…

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and books about parenting lately. Not surprisingly, at 3 years old, my Bean is a bit of a terror. She’s generally a good girl – polite, fun-loving, friendly, funny. But she still has the occasional tantrum, and tends to be very illogically frantic when things don’t go exactly her way. This ranges from freaking out and throwing something when she can’t make it work (hmm…where else do I see this happen frequently…oh yeah, her father!) to having a complete meltdown when we really want, nay need her to do something she’s not interested in, like taking a bath or getting dressed or eating her dinner.

I’m still early in the parenting research and I have a lot more to read and absorb and watch (believe it or not, one of the best resources out there is that Nanny 911 show!). But I am making a few promises to myself (and the Bean) even now:

1. I won’t hit her, even when I really, really, really want to. Hitting doesn’t accomplish anything; it only shows a child that violence is acceptable, which it is not. Even spanking, which I will admit is mostly harmless physically when only done with one’s hand, really doesn’t do much to help a three-year-old understand what’s expected of her.

2. I will take a deep breath and try to control my temper when she’s being really frustrating, and try my best not to raise my voice. Yelling and screaming doesn’t accomplish much either, for most of the same reasons that spanking doesn’t.

3. I will try to be unambiguous when expressing my expectations. This is a really big one. You can’t really accomplish much with a pre-schooler by telling them to “be good,” you have to be specific, instead: “sit up, use your inside voice, eat your dinner.” Don’t say, “Stop being bad!” Instead, say “Please don’t throw your food or else we are going home right now.”

You see, I was the recipient of some rather ambiguous parenting myself, and I still remember the frustration that made me feel. From the time I was around six to the point where I moved out for college at 18, it seemed like my Mom was always mad at me and I didn’t know why. I remember when I was 12 or 13 and really coming into my own personality, and developing the cynicism and sarcasm that would later form the basis for most of my sense of humor, my mother frequently accused me of “smart-assing her,” which I did not understand. Unfortunately, I guess she didn’t appreciate sarcasm, and her response to it was usually to slap me in the face, hard. Yeah…I got slapped a lot. Pretty much until I was so much taller and larger than my mother that it was just too intimidating for her to slap me anymore (and around the time I decided I had enough and started putting my hand up to block her blows – man did THAT piss her off).

I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t love my mother; I did. For the most part, she did a great job raising my sister and me and she was a very selfless, caring person. But if she just could have made her expectations more clear to me, I could have met them. Instead she said a lot of vague things about my “attitude” and did a lot of slapping. I wasn’t a bad kid – straight A’s for the most part, involved in lots of school activities, musically talented, with a group of other nice kids for friends. I just don’t believe that my personality at home was so different, so much more offensive, than my personality at school and elsewhere. I think I just didn’t know how to relate to Mom because she wouldn’t tell me. She would only yell and slap me.

So obviously, yeah, I want to avoid those mistakes with my own daughter. And I think it’s pretty clear, thanks to many years of therapy (my slap-UNhappy childhood resulted in more than enough issues to bog me down in my 20s!), that I understand what those mistakes were and how to avoid them. It will be work though – it’s so easy to fall into old behavior patterns that have been modeled for you consistently in your formative years. But that’s where the books and blogs and TV shows will help: little reminders of how not to become my mother.

The Bean is really getting hilarious about the body parts. Last night after I ate dinner she looked in my bowl (we had some fettucine) and said “it’s empty!”

“Yes, I know,” I replied. “It’s in my tummy now.”

She patted my stomache obligingly. “In your tummy. This is your tummy,” she said wisely. Then she patted my chest. “These your boobs. I like them.”

I’m not sure who was more amused: me, or my hubz sitting across the table. It was definitely hilarious. Bean is coming to the boob love a little late, since I didn’t breastfeed her (after very unsuccessful attempts that first week, I had to give up eventually), but she definitely seems obsessed lately.

My mother-in-law arrived Saturday for a week-long-plus visit, which is very welcome since we haven’t seen her in so long. In fact, she hasn’t been with us since the Bean was about six months old, and obviously her almost-three-year-old version is quite a bit different! Bean knows who Grandma is though, and speaks to her on the phone regularly, and was extremely excited about her visit.

On Saturday, at one point I had to take Bean upstairs to change her diaper (no, still not potty-trained, but that’s another post). After putting on a clean pull-up, I stood her up on the changing table and pulled up her shorts. She held onto my shoulders and then sort of absently patted at my bosom.

Background info: Bean is kind of fascinated with my chest lately. She was not breastfed (long story) so she isn’t what you’d call intimately acquainted with the girls. But she often pats them and says stuff like, “Mommy that’s your belly.” So I absent-mindedly told her once, “Those are my boobs.” Smart move, Groovy. Now the kid often pats my boobs and says “your BOOBS Mommy!” But that’s my own fault, isn’t it?

So anyway back to Saturday, she was patting my boobs and said “Those your boobs Mommy.”

“That’s right,” I replied.

“I didn’t see Grandma’s boobs,” she stated in a matter-of-fact tone. “Grandma doesn’t have boobs.”

Trying to stifle laughter, I quickly ran through the options in my head: tell her Grandma DOES have boobs, and risk her then bringing up the subject with Grandma? Ignore it and hope she forgets about it (yeah, right)? Turn back time and erase the word “boobs” from her vocabulary?

“Well, I think she does, but you don’t have to mention it to her,” is what I decided to go with. And shocker: she didn’t mention it! At least not on Saturday…

OK all you clueless dads out there. Mother’s Day is Sunday. That means you need to get the moms in your life (your own, and your wife/baby mama if you have kids) something. Please do not ignore Mother’s Day. As president of last year’s “I Got Absolutely Nothing for Mother’s Day, No Acknowledgement Whatsoever” club, I can tell you – it’s not a nice club to be in. It’s lonely and sad. Yes, motherhood is its own reward, blah blah blah. Get her a present anyway!!

A few suggestions:

1. A card is always nice. They sell them everywhere! Try Target, the grocery store, CVS, whatever. The card does not have to be sickly-sweet and sentimental. It can be humorous! Buy it, sign it, mail it or hand it over.

2. Flowers. Does not have to mean expensive delivery of roses! Buy a bouquet at Costco or the grocery store and bring it home. Put it in water. Present to mom figure.

3. Gifts. Small is OK, if it’s thoughtful. If you have the bank, sure, get your mom/wife the latest electronic gadget or diamond necklace or trip to a spa you know she really wants. But it’s a tough economy – nobody expects you to go into hock for this thing. Small but thoughtful gifts include: candy or some other type of food that she craves but doesn’t often treat herself to, a picture frame (bonus points for putting a picture of your child or children in it), a pretty scarf or snuggly wrap, a “World’s Greatest Mom” themed coffee mug or t-shirt, fancy hand lotion, a small bottle of perfume, an elegantly-bound notebook to use as a journal. You could even go quirky, if the mom in question has a sense of humor – a back scratcher, perhaps? Or a Chia pet?

4. Gift cards should be your last resort, but seriously – if you can’t think of anything, go ahead and get a gift card. T0 some it seems imperaonal but I think it’s actually a pretty thoughtful gift. Good gift cards: Sephora, Amazon, a local department store. Do Best Buy only if you know your girl is geeky and wants gadgets. Bad gift cards: Home Depot, Lowe’s, or anything else that reminds her of all the chores she needs to get to.

Now go out there and make it a nice Mother’s Day!

The Bean is in daycare, at a place very close to our home, which we really like. She’s been there since she was about four months old. She loves the teachers, the other kids, and the activities. It’s not a fancy place by any means – it was, in fact, the most reasonably priced daycare situation we could find when I was expecting (other than the company-subsidized daycare operated by my husband’s then-employer, which had a two year waiting list). The building is old, and it’s not in the most glamourous part of town. But they do a pretty good job, and we’re happy.

In addition to her regular schedule, the daycare center offers special enhanced activities, like a music class, early reading class, Spanish language, etc. We’ve signed The Bean up for the music class every time, because she loves it. When she gets a little older I plan to enroll her in the Spanish and reading classes too.

The other day, a flyer came home describing a new class that they were offering, apparently even to kids as young as The Bean (who won’t be 3 until the end of June): cooking. A cooking class – for toddlers! Um…OK. Don’t get me wrong. I can see where they are going with this: helping kids understand how food is prepared, the dangers of the kitchen and how to be safe, etc. But honestly, is a kid really ready for an activity like that at 2 or 3 years old? I don’t think so. My guess would be more like 5 or 6. Maybe 4, if your kid is really precocious. So I didn’t sign her up for cooking. Does that make me a bad mommy? I don’t think so. I think cooking class for a 2-year-old is just too much.

Reason number 2,445 that being a Mom is great, even when your kid is in those Terrible Twos.

Yesterday, I was trying to get my rambunctious daughter dressed and ready to leave for daycare. We got her dressed, she brushed her teeth, we put her shoes on. As we stood on the upstairs landing waiting for her father to come get her and put her in the car, she turned and looked at me: messy bedhead, old fuzzy socks, nightgown and bathrobe. And this is what she said to me:

“Mommy, you’re like a princess!”

Priceless.

The angelic version of two-and-a-half.

I love my daughter, heart and soul. I mean I adore her absolutely, and she is the joy and light of my life.

However…

This whole “terrible twos” stuff is getting really old. When, oh when, will it be over? It did seem like it was getting better, for a while. But lately – OMG. She’s so emotional, and prone to overreact to the littlest disappointments. My husband and I can’t get a handle on it, and we definitely don’t understand it since we do NOT spoil her. When will she stop having a freak-out when it’s time to go home from the playground? When told that we can’t go to the mall now, but later, after her nap? When we get to the mall too late for her to ride the little train because it’s already closed for the evening?

It’s not just things you can understand her being disappointed about, either. Sometimes, she gets really upset because one of us wants to do something as innocuous as eat dinner, take our shoes off, put in a load of laundry, or wash our hands. WTF?? Why does stuff like that make her mad?

Then there’s the sudden breakdowns in routines that we were starting to get down pat. Like potty time – hoo boy, is that a drama. Just when I thought she was making progress on potty training, we had a setback. She refused to wipe herself, which she had actually been doing very well with previously. Further, she refused to let me wipe her, and she wouldn’t throw the wad of toilet paper I’d given her into the toilet. Somehow, the pee – wipe – flush – wash hands routine was suddenly broken, even after doing it for months and months. Of course this led to a pretty ugly scene, which I felt bad about but what was I supposed to do? The kid’s gotta be dry and clean, right?

So I’m mystified. Sometimes she’s a joy, a pure delight. And sometimes, she’s a terror that employs no known logic and is completely unpredictable. And I am so, so tired.

When does it end?

Answers to a post today on Mother Talkers:

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Yes, and it took almost two years to make it happen.

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Thrilled and so relieved.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 37!

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? After taking many tests I had kind of given up, but this one week I went to a workout with my friend Kim, and for days afterwards I felt horrible – achey all over, tired, like I had the flu. That’s when I suddenly noticed my period was about a week late. The rest is history!

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My husband, who didn’t believe me!

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes.

9. DUE DATE? Oh hmm…I’d have to look this up. I think it was something like July 3, 2006?

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? The first trimester I was nauseated all the time, though I actually threw up very rarely (thank God).

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Salads and milkshakes.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? I don’t remember being too irritated by anything in particular, except my husband kept procrastinating about the bed that I kept falling through (there was something wrong with the slats and they kept slipping). That got real old, especially while pregnant.

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX? Girl.

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? At first, we wanted a boy, but we were just thrilled to have a girl.

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? Something like 40. It was freaking scary!

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes, thank you friends!

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? No surprises. Mommy doesn’t like to be surprised.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Near the end I had some elevated protein levels in my urine and I suddenly gained a chunk of weight, which made the docs kind of concerned. So they had me get a second ultrasound, which was how I found out I was breach and needed a c-section!

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Inova Fairfax Hospital, which is insanely far from where we live, but Kaiser forced us to do it there.

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? Thank the good Lord I never went into labor, just had my scheduled c-section (albeit about 10 hours later than it was scheduled).

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? My husband and my father.

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? My husband. He was FREAKED OUT.

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? C-section, which was fascinating.

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Oh they give you the block with a C-section. It was freaky.

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? I’m ashamed that I can’t remember offhand and had to look it up (via a picture on my Flickr): 7 pounds, 2.6 ounces.

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ? June 26, 2006.

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Veronica Jean.

28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 2 years and almost 7 months.

One of the challenges in dealing with my darling daughter right now is her sensitivity. Her feelings are easily hurt, or at least she acts like they are! Of course we only want to be the most supportive and loving of parents, and I feel guilty and horrible when she responds to a suggestion from me (”Don’t stand on that toy honey, it’s going to break!”) with tears

Basically, I try to couch my suggestions and constructive criticism in tones of support and concern. I try not to raise my voice. And, unlike my short-tempered husband, I never curse. But it’s still a crapshoot as to what reaction I’ll get. In the “don’t stand on the toy” example above, for instance, there are four possible responses:

1. Child stands on toy even more emphatically, pouts and grunts at me, gets off toy and throws it, or reacts in similar and even more negative ways (kicking, hitting, etc.).

2. Child gets off toy, lip quivering, and bursts into tears. Asks for adult figure who is not present (my friend, who she calls her aunt; or her grandpa). Refuses to be comforted for several long, agonizing, loud minutes.

3. Child completely ignores me, until some negative outcome occurs as predicted (toy breaks, child falls, etc.); or child loses interest and turns attention to something else.

4. Child does as instructed and complacently turns attentions elsewhere.

Now, how often do you think number 4 actuallyhappens? If you guessed somewhere in the neighborhood of 2% of the time, you’re just about right! I suppose I should be grateful that lately, we more often get response number 2, since tears are easier to deal with and comfort than the other frequent (and violent) response, number 1.

As my darling Bean gets older, these things will get easier (I hope). Even now, it’s much easier to reason and negotiate with her than it was just a few months ago. She’s really smart, and even though she uses some of that brain power to play me, I’m hoping to help her to channel that intellect into other, more productive areas as well. Like understanding and accepting the fact that some toys DO break if you jump on them long enough.