“C’mon, Mom—let’s GO! I want to GO somewhere!”

My other daughter, who’s ten, would rather curl up with a good book and a cat. When she was a baby, she would rather play with her toys rather than with people.  Extended eye contact with her overstimulated her. Now that she’s older, she’s learned that spending time alone helps decrease her stress (except when her extroverted sister is banging on the door screaming, “You never want to play with me! Come out NOW!”).

And their mama? Well, I am an introvert. When push comes to shove, I need time alone to refuel. So does my husband. So what do we do when there are three of us who need to lay low in order to feel better and we are living with a person who thrives on being with others? Managing this isn’t is difficult as it sounds. I’ve found the following steps to be helpful for both introverted and extroverted family members:

1. Be aware of whether you tend towards introversion or extroversion, and also become aware of your children’s tendencies. Even though it’s geared toward younger children,  this site will give you a great idea of how your child leans. 
2. For kids that are verbal, sit down and talk with them about how everybody has a “gas tank” just like the car. Just like the car, everybody needs to put in more gas in order to play, work, have fun, etc. Also explain that some people do this alone, while others need to be around people, and that both ways are great. Ask them what they they think they need, as well as to make guesses about the rest of the family members. If you have toddlers or very young preschoolers that aren’t yet able to talk about this, then you can jumpstart the process by helping them recharge before they melt down.
3. After you’ve had a short general discussion about how everyone in the family “fills up,” come up with a brief list of these ways. Ask questions such as, “What’s one thing each day that you can do to meet your need for being with others?” or “Since you need some time alone each day, how can you make that happen?” Given that it’s not always possible for kids to get out of the house the moment they feel the need to be with others, come up with other options like calling  and e-mailing friends, etc.  Perhaps have a standing weekly playdate with a few pals for your extroverted child will give them something to look forward to. For your introverted child, it might be helpful to plan on a daily “siesta” time where it is totally cool to have time alone, no questions asked.
4.  Empower your kids to understand how they’re wired, as well as how everyone else in the family is, so it will be easier for them to learn to meet their own needs BEFORE there’s a problem. They’ll also learn to respect others’ needs. Knowledge is power, and I’d also add that so is planning ahead.
5. Be the leader by going first. As the mom, it’s powerful for your kids to hear you say, “I can tell I’m getting tired and cranky and need to spend some time with my friends tonight. I think I’ll meet them for dinner. This is how I get my energy back .” Of course, this isn’t about guilt-tripping your kids into believing that they are the cause of your energy depletion (even though it may feel that way, at times!). Rather, it’s valuing yourself enough to take the time to do what refuels you so you can be more effective. Kids do what we do–so you’ll be doing EVERYONE a favor by modeling this and keeping yourself refueled. One of the best ways I know to have a great summer is to have each family member “refuel” in ways that work for them. That way, the only melt-downs you’ll have will be popcicles and ice cream bars!

As promised, I’m back with the next post in the “How To Thrive (Not Just Survive) Summer” series.

After you’re clear on what you’d like your summer to be like, it’s time to think about how you recharge your batteries.  Are you an introvert? If so, you’ll need to plan on down time for a few minutes each day, without others around. Easier said than done, you say? Perhaps, but if you are willing to make it happen, I can help you with that. First, you absolutely have to know how to fill yourself back up when you’re on empty. Introverted moms cane easily become overwhelmed by being with their kids all day. It’s not that they don’t love them and want to be around them. It’s that their gas tank gets refilled by being alone.

If you a mom who’s extroverted, you get your gas tank filled up by being around others; interacting with other people energizes you. This doesn’t mean you don’t need time away from others (including your kids). It just means that, since you recharge being with people, it’s not quite as draining for you to be with your kids. It’s still important for you to be around adults, and not just kids. Of course, it’s a rare mom who’s purely one or the other. The important thing is just to ask yourself how you fill back up when you’re on empty. The long days of summer are prime blocks of time for you to use lots of energy with your kids. It’s essential to know how YOU get your energy back.

If you’re not sure how you refuel, check out my podcast with Janet Penley. We talked quite a bit about how introverts and extroverts refuel and take care of themselves. Janet’s book, MotherStyles, is also a fabulous resource for using personality style to capitalize on your mothering strengths.

Guilt Free Mom Coaching Action: Think back to what you’ve done to successfully take care of yourself. Was it alone or with others? Was it a little bit of both?  Once you’re clear on that, commit to spending at least ten minutes each day refueling in a way that really works for your personality type. The little things really matter here, so don’t discount actions like waking up a few minutes earlier than your kids so you can sip coffee slowly and wake up peacefully. Maybe you’ll need to plan “mom time outs” and plan time in your room for a few minutes here and there. Or perhaps you’ll invite other moms over for conversation with adults. This step is the foundational piece because once you commit to refueling yourself daily, if even for a few minutes, you’re in a much better mental place to implement the other tips to come. If you’re stressed, it won’t matter what tips you try; they won’t work until you’re in a good place. So take good care of yourself!

Welcome to a series of blog posts that will be dealing with a topic that strikes fear into the hearts of mothers everywhere:  how you as a mom can set up the summer so that your sanity is intact, you actually enjoy your children, and you even make some good memories together.

A willingness to rethink what summer means to you and your family.

In fact, let’s start with willingness, shall we? When you think of spending the summer with your kids, what comes to mind? Do you dread the lack of down-time you’ll have now that school’s out? Or do you wonder how many days (hours?) it will take before your kids whine, “Moooom, I’m bored!”  Maybe you actually look forward to watching (even joining!) your kids in the sprinkler, or enjoying popsicles.

The first step to creating a great summer is to get clear on where you’re at with it.  I’ve got tons of tips for you on how to make this summer a memorable one (and I mean that in a good way!), one that you’ll actually be sad to have end. But first, you gotta know where you’re starting from so you can chart your path.

Guilt-Free Mom Coaching Action:  Check in with yourself on how you’re feeling about having your kids out of school and home for the summer. Be honest. What’s your worst fear? What’s your biggest hope?

Then, check back in two days for the first of many “How To Thrive (Not Just Survive) This Summer” tips.

P.S. I admit to feeling mixed. My girls, ages 7 and 10, are delightful (most of the time). They are fairly self-sufficient at this age, which makes life easier. That said, I’m always a little nervous about how to fit in “me time” when we’re all together 24/7. And when I work from home. Overall, I’m looking forward to creating memories. But ask me how I’m feeling in mid July!

Taking care of yourself has never really been optional, but that hasn’t stopped many moms from years past from feeling guilty about doing it.

Thankfully, more moms are realizing that self-care is not optional if they want to be effective moms AND actually enjoy their lives. Motherhood has never been easy, no matter what the era. But let’s face it—life has gotten a lot more complex since the 1950s. Moms have more competing for their time and attention than ever before (many work from home, are older parents so having aging parents of their own, etc.). And that means more opportunites for them to become drained.

One of the best ways I know to help moms overcome the guilt of taking time to nurture themselves is this: pointing out that when they are on empty and burned out, they can be of service to no one.  You simply cannot give what you do not have. If the lifeforce has been sucked out of you, and you try to parent from that barren place, expect melt-downs and tantrums (your kids might even join you in them!). Now that is a recipe for true guilt!

The tides are turning, thanks to people like Oprah increasing awareness of how stressed and burned out many moms feel these days. Moms are rising up and realizing that they have to actively CLAIM their right to nurture themselves. Nobody will hand them their self-care on a silver platter. Instead, they have to know that being willing to take care of themeselves is an exquisite act of kindness and responsibility: kindness because you want to treat yourself with care, the same way you do for others, and responsibility because you owe it to model for your children how important self-care is.

Whether you’re a veteran at taking care of yourself or just getting started, here are some resources to support you:

• Karly Randolph Pitman’s inspirational, beautiful site First Ourselves is a great place to start. And if you have a sugar addiction (like moi), she offers support for that, too. Highly recommended.
• Amy Tiemann’s site, Mojo Mom, and her corresponding book, offer moms encouragement to nurture themselves while in the thick of mothering.
• A fabulous book on the subject is Moms Need Time-Outs Too by Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann. Check out their website, too.
• Renee Trudeau’s book, The Mother’s Guide To Self-Renewal is both beautiful and practical (and check out her site, too
• Yet another helpful book is Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else by Alice Domar. This resource has many helpful ideas about overcoming stress.

I’m so glad that moms are encouraging other moms to recharge by taking care of themselves.  The more moms that practice self-care on a regular basis, the easier it will be for it to become second nature for moms everywhere. So join me and your other mom-sisters in reclaiming our right to recharge. It’s a right, not a privelege.

Motherhood has been under close scrutiny for years.

TV shows such as “Wife Swap” routinely depict two moms with polar opposite styles, views, and ways of mothering. If you had to decide who was the better mom: the pagan motorcyle mama who believes too many rules are “bad” and that families are all about having fun, or the conservative Christian mama who believes strictness, rules, and structure are what’s most important, whom would you pick? Is it “cheating” to believe that a combination of the two moms’ best qualities would somehow be healthier than the two extremes by themselves? Or is that just a total cop-out?

As a mom myself, a blogger of mom issues, and a parenting coach, I wholeheartedly embrace the idea of “good” mothering, though I much prefer the term “effective mothering.”  Raising children to be caring, ethical adults who contribute to the good of society is no small feat, and in a culture that runs on adrenaline and materialism, it is made even more difficult. But it’s not impossible. It does require that you are clear on what really, really matters to you as a mom. Here’s the beginning of my list of what an effective mom is (feel free to add to or disagree with any of these):

1. Meet your children’s basic needs for food, shelter, attachment, emotional and physical safety so that they grow up with a sense of trust.
2. Be clear on what morals matter to you and to society and have a way of teaching your children these morals (e.g., don’t kill people, don’t steal, tell the truth, contribute to the greater good, etc.).
3. Develop a conscience in your children by promoting empathy and sensitivity towards self and others.
4. Teach the value of work  so that your children don’t have an attitude of “entitlement,”as though the world owes them a living, happiness, or anything else.
5. Model, on a regular basis, how to set healthy boundaries with others. Children who grow up knowing where they end and others start respect themselves and others.
6. Every day, if possible, find some way to connect with your children in a deep way that says, “I see you. You matter to me.”  Making the committment to look into your child’s eyes and connect (even if they roll their eyes!) on a regular basis shows them that they matter. And children who know they matter at home have an easier time finding healthy ways to matter away from home.

This list is just a start. As you can see, the above items leave a lot of room for personality style and other differences.  Instead of saying (’a la Wife Swap style), “Good moms always go to church and cut coupons” or “Good moms are free of religion and let their kids run free”–both of which are artificial dichotomies anyway– we instead can look at the bigger picture of what we know helps to raise healthy, effective adults.

I can already think of other things to add. Can you? Do you disagree with any of these items? What about my distinction between a “good” mom and an “effective” mom? I’d love to hear from you.

While the idea of temperament has been around for a long time, it hasn’t always been used to identify children’s strengths. In fact, most experts focus on what’s wrong with the child. Not so with this book.

Instead, the author helps parents  identify their child’s specific traits and temperament so they can devise a plan to help their child succeed. Rather than just saying to parents, “Your child is strong-willed, so just do X, Y, And Z,”  Probst helps parents to tease out the traits inherent in a label such as ”strong willed” and then make changes in their thinking, speaking, and environment that play to their child’s strengths, and help them learn to manage the areas in which they struggle. What is particularly powerful about this book is that it’s approach is not “pollyanna.” The author doesn’t pretend that many children have issues with ADHD, conduct disorder, etc. Instead, she chooses to view the child as a whole human being, and looks at both what comes easily and what doesn’t for him/her. It’s a balanced approach that leaves the parents with concrete tips and suggestions for different traits, and helps parents have more energy and hope to parent well.

 I interviewed the author, Barbara Probst, and what really came through in the interview was her intense committment to helping parents look beyond labels so that they could see their child with new eyes. This new way of seeing opens up a large, untapped area of support for parents. Listen to the interview here, and be sure to share your comments!

A child who is more internal in how she interacts with the world is introverted, or self-energizing. In order to stay in balance, she’ll need to step back, spend time alone, and recharge by being alone. This isn’t the same thing as having poor social skills and not knowing how to be with others. Rather, it’s about how they recharge their batteries so they can interact with others without being depleted. Kids who are introverted tend to:

• handle stress by going off alone and thinking/brooding about it, daydreaming, etc.
• come home from school and immediately need a break before talking or sharing about the day
• actually do need to be drawn out about their day
• have a rich, inner world and often can seem to be “in their own world” of  ideas and fantasies
• keep thoughts and emotions to themselves

A child who is more external in how she interacts with the world is considered extroverted, or world-energizing. She will get her energy by interacting with others and not wanting to be alone. Kids who are extroverted tend to:

• want to be actively engaged with others
• externalize thoughts and feelings–no wondering how they feel most of the time!
• eagerly embrace new situations
• be willing to talk to strangers
• get loud and silly at times

You can think of introversion and extroversion along a continuum. Some kids are more “introverted” (and further along the continuum) than others. Still others are closer on the continuum to the middle.  The key really is knowing what helps your child recharge his or her batteries. Many a parent has seen a child “melt down” when what their child really needed was time to recharge. Knowing this piece of information about your child is powerful; we all need to recharge our batteries or refuel, and kids need our help in learning how to do it. Self-care starts early!

Here’s a great e-mail that is circulating through the Momosphere. While I have no idea who originally wrote it, I do know that it definitely rings true for many of us. Any thoughts?

Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,  I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging 
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. 
Candidates must possess excellent communication 
and organizational skills and be willing to work 
var iable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.  Some overnight travel required, including trips to  primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.  Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. 
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,  until someone needs $5.  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina of a  pack mule  and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat20
in case, this time, the screams from  the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.  Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,  such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets  and stuck zippers.Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and  coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings  for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.  Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and be
an embarrassment the next.  Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a  half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.  Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.  Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and  janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.  Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,  so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!  Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because  of the assumption that college will help them  become financially independent.  When you die, you give them whatever is left. 
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that 
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,  no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and  no stock options are offered;  this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, 
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do…
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE**
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!!

All moms are liars.

Why can’t we just admit to ourselves and other moms that this mothering thing can be HARD? It’s also wonderful. And magical. And deeply fulfilling (sometimes, but not when it involves severe sleep deprivation or poop or tweens wanting to pierce body parts). But it’s still difficult. I am so lucky that I get to be privvy to moms’ deepest fears about themselves and their kids. I get to hear over and over again many moms’ small, whispery voice that admits, “I feel like such a bad mom…” And what I want to do right at this exact moment is say, “Honey, we all do. Some of us are just willing to admit it.” There. I said it. This mom gig is hard and I mess up regularly. So what?

 Motherhood has become a dangerous, competitive sport; unfortunately, the deepest injuries come from moms comparing themselves to others and having unrealistic expectations for themselves and their kids. Everybody thinks everybody else “has it all together.” None of us does. We’re all doing the best we can and are somewhere along the continuum of “everything is falling apart and I want to give up ” to “I am modern-day Martha Stewart and June Cleaver who has a Ph.D and is more fit and thin than before I had kids.” That leaves a whole lotta space in between, people.

So where do I fit on this continuum? I will admit that there are days when I feel like a rotten mother, and days where I feel like a pretty great mother. Sometimes I feel rotten and great on the same day. That’s pretty normal for motherhood, wouldn’t you say? I say it’s time for us to give other mothers the gift of honesty. By being real about this mothering thing, you give other mothers permission to do the same.

Honest.

No lie.

When you’re stressed and you want to throw in the motherhood towel, it’s nice to know you’ve got friends you can call.

Or can they? It’s important to know which friends are “activity friends” and which are “heart” friends. Both are essential. And both fill different roles. “Activity” friends are the kind of people you want to do fun things with—like go to the movies, scrapbook, or go shopping. With these friends, the focus is on the shared activity. With “heart” friends, you share your innermost feelings and thoughts. You support one another, commiserate, and share, well, your heart. You don’t worry about being judged. While you may very well go to the movies or shopping with these friends, the emphasis is really on the deep sharing you do.

Knowing this distinction can save you much pain down the road. Expecting people to be what they’re not is a set-up for disappointment. For both of you. As a mom of a challenging child, I was confiding in a friend about my daughter’s melt-down that very morning.  My friend, not mincing words, retorted, “When my daughter pulls that, I don’t let her get away with it. I am the one in charge. So I rarely see that kind of behavior.” Ugh. I felt judged and unheard. My mistake? Forgetting that this friend was an activity friend: someone I have coffee with to talk about art, but not someone who shares my parenting values. In fact, we definitely do NOT share the same perspective on how to parent.  I was expecting her to behave as a heart friend, but our friendship is not about that.

If your child is intense and challenging, you, especially have to pick your friends wisely. Unless they have one, most moms (and people in general) don’t know what it’s like to have a child like yours. After all, your child looks the same on the outside, so “normal” parenting techniques should work, right? You can’t see someone’s inborn temperament–only the expression of it, which is their personality and behavior. So it’s essential self-care that you pick people with whom you can be real. Even if your heart friend doesn’t have an intense child, if she is truly a heart friend she will be willing to hear you. She may not agree with you all the time but that won’t matter. What really matters is that you have a friend or two with whom you can be seen and heard. Because on the tough mothering days, you’re going to need it.