Why I Don’t Want Balance!
by Jo Della Penna

Note: I am delighted to feature guest blogger, Jo Della Penna on The Guilt Free Mom blog! I’m always on a mission to offer you a variety of viewpoints on how moms can ditch the guilt, raise great kids while growing a profitable business.  Jo Della has a delightful heart-centered approach to helping people (overwhelmed moms included) grow their businesses to be profitable and still enjoy the rest of their lives!  Be sure to check out the info at the end of her post so you can see the amazing resources she offers, and look for more of Jo Della’s posts in the future!

 
Balancing your life is not an easy task, is it?

We are super busy with growing and managing our business. We have our personal lives to attend to, as well. If you have growing kids, like I do, you know it takes creative time management to fit in all the extracurricular activities on top of everything else. Over the years, I have found that the idea of creating balance in my life was unrealistic. The more I tried to balance my life, the more it felt out of reach.

It then dawned on me…

I don’t want balance!

You know the scales that have a dish on each side?
When the weight is the same on both sides, the dishes are even. When one side is heavier than the other, one side moves up while the other moves down.

Think about it.

The only time the scale is in motion is when the scale is out of balance. When things are balanced, nothing moves. I don’t know about you, but I would rather be moving than standing still. So, your goal is not to have balance in life, but to create harmony. Think of a music band. In a band, each instrument ebbs and flows throughout the song.  No two instruments are balance in volume, tone, or note. However, the combination of all the unbalanced instruments winds up creating enjoyable music.

Same is true for your life.

We each have 5 primary areas in our life that, when in harmony, creates an enjoyable existence. I will explain each of these areas of life in depth in future posts, but for now, here’s the list.

The 5 areas are:

1. Relationship     2.  Financial      3.  Mental      4. Spiritual     5.  Physical

To have harmony in your life, it does not mean that you have to laser focus on each of those areas all the time. That would drive you crazy and have you completely overwhelmed. However, if you are not satisfied with one or two of the five areas, it just means you need to pay closer attention and work to get it back in line for you to be back in harmony.

At times, you may have a great marriage, have money in the bank and are in learning mode, but you’re spiritually disconnected and sick all the time. Or, other times, you’re exercising regularly, reading and learning often, but
your bank account is empty and you’re always irritable towards family and friends.
Think about the areas in your life. What is working well? Where are you satisfied? Great! Those areas require
less attention. What is NOT working well? Where are you dissatisfied? This is where you place most of your attention. Now, let me note, your answers may change day to day, or even hour by hour. The key is to check in with yourself often enough so none of the 5 areas become so out of harmony that it breaks up the “band”!

 List 1 or 2 things you could do to improve those areas that require your
attention.
Commit to taking one step towards improving it immediately and you will find that it does not take a huge amount of effort to attain harmony. It just requires regular attention.

© 2009-2010 The Business Of You, Inc.
Award-Winning Entrepreneur, Coach, National Speaker and Author, Jo Della Penna publishes The
Business of You E-Zine with over 1,500+ subscribers. If you’re ready to jump-start your
business, make more money, and have more joy and excitement in your life, get your
FREE tips now at www.TheBusinessofYou.com

It wasn’t pretty.

In fact, it was downright ugly.

I’m talking about my tantrum. I had a mommy melt-down. I was tired, cranky, overwhelmed. Did I mention stressed? My reasons were many, and overall, I was just on overload. I had too many things I needed AND wanted to do, and not enough time to do them. And I wanted to do them without any interruptions. Without my kids arguing. Without the dogs needing to be let out every 5 minutes. Without anyone needing anything from me. Was this realistic? Of course not. I’m just venting here, keepin’ it real.  In case you’re wondering, I did get up early, before my children, and was pretty productive. I even got a lot done while they were at school. But, on that day, there were just too many things vying for my attention, so I snapped. 

Instead of asking for what I needed, which was to sequester myself away in my office with my laptop and have my husband be the go-to person for awhile, I ranted. I complained. I said things to my children that were probably guilt-inducing and snide, like, “What about ‘I am finishing this blog post and will be with you in ten minutes’ do you not understand?” and “I can’t do this anymore!”

My lack of self-control scared my kids, as evidenced by my youngest saying, “You’re scaring me, mom. Maybe you need a time-out.” I was scaring myself. It’s not that I thought I was “The World’s Worst Mother” by what I’d just said and done. No, I’ve done far worse than that. It was just that I knew that the pressure was building inside me and that, if left unchecked, I would do worse. What, I don’t know. I don’t spank, and I’m not even a yeller. But my girls are sensitive (oh, ok–so am I), AND I’m a big believer that guilt-trips for kids are a form of emotional abuse. And I didn’t want my tantrum to go any further.

So I did what my daughter suggested and took a time-out. As I lay on my bed, hyperventilating from stress and frustration, I thought about what absolutely needed to get done tonight, and what could wait. I thought about whether my kids had experienced me as fully being present since they had gotten home from school. Nope, they hadn’t. I could see how they were trying to get my energy and relationship by arguing and wanting me to intervene. I also thought about whether or not I had set clear boundaries with my husband and children about when I need to work uninterrupted to build my coaching business. Nope, hadn’t been assertive and clear about that, either. Hmmmm. I noticed that I was starting to breathe more deeply and slowly, and was starting to feel better. Nothing had changed except my overall perspective of the situation.  I let myself stay on the bed for another five minutes, relaxing.  Then I rentered my family’s world.

At first, my children looked at me warily, as though I were a fragile soul who might shatter at any moment (a mere 20 minutes ago that was true!), so I sat down and told them what was up. “I’m afraid that adults can have temper tantrums, too,” I explained. “We know,” they both remarked. Continuing on, I said, “I felt angry and frustrated that I had a lot of things to do and couldn’t finish them. Next time that happens I’ll take a deep breath and take a break. I will come back calmer and will probably ask for what I want. Let’s try it.” I took another deep breath (just like the ones I took on the bed upstairs), let it out slowly, and glanced at my girls. No longer eyeing me suspiciously, they seemed calmer too. “Okay, here’s what I’d like. I’d like to give you both some of my time where I am just focusing on and enjoying you. AND, I’d also like to work for 30 more minutes without interruptions so I can get my work done. Do you want mom time now or after I work?” In unison they replied, “Afterwards, because you’ll feel better then.” So we shook hands, and made a deal.

I mangaged to finish what I was doing in 20 minutes, without interruptions, because I had been clear on my needs. My children are not angels. They didn’t magically do what I asked simply because I had been clear on my needs. We’ve proactively set some things in motion like how to entertain yourself when you’re bored, what to do when mom leads a teleseminar and can’t be interrupted, etc. But the big learning for me around all of this was that my melt-down had to do with my emotions, needs, and  expectations being out of sync. To stop my melt-down in its tracks, I needed to (ironically–since interruptions are what sort of prompted the melt-down in the first place), interrupt my behavior by taking a time-out. By giving myself space to feel my feelings, honor them, and then ask myself what I needed in that moment, I was able to press a big ol’ RESET button in my brain and, essentially, have a do-over.

While I’m not proud of my behavior that day, the modeling that I did afterwards for my children IS something I feel good about. Their tantrums and my tantrums aren’t all that different. By helping myself regain control, I felt better and my kids felt safer. They also learned how to regain control of their behavior, too.

Nobody’s perfect, so it’s not realistic to think that I won’t ever yell or lose my temper or say something I regret. But as for stopping mommy melt-downs in their tracks, well, I think I have some pretty effective tools in my took kit.

What are YOUR tools?

I remember back in the ’90s there was a hilarious comedy routine that Jeff Foxworthy did called, “You might be a redneck if…”

You Might Be A Guilt-Ridden Mom If…………..

• your idea of self-care is checking e-mail or
• you feel bad that you don’t enjoy playing with Legos, Barbies, etc. with your child (guilty secret: I hate bored, oops, I mean board games).
• you compare yourself to the moms you know who are the most fit, the most calm (or so it seems), the most “anything” and come up short.
• you read parenting books for support and then beat yourself up for not being able to use the ideas in the book “perfectly.”
• your friend tells you that she puts pureed beans and spinach in her child’s food to boost the nutrition, and you immediately think of the Twinkies your child had at snack (and feel horrible). Okay. So maybe your child doesn’t eat Twinkies. Maybe it was just that none of the food you serve has puree hidden in it. And you feel bad.
• you wonder if you’re ever going to be patient “enough,” loving “enough,” basically just “enough” of a “good” mother to your child.
• you think about saving for your child’s college fund AND therapy fund.
• you have a picture in your head of how you think you’re supposed to be as  mom and feel awful that your life doesn’t match the picture.
• your child’s teacher tells you that she is having problems with aggression at school, and you immediately think, “OMG, that’s because I let her watch that show on TV. I’m such a bad mom….”
• you are afraid that you’re one of the only moms that loves her child and yet doesn’t love several aspects of motherhood.

Can you relate to any? What would you add?

1. I won’t be dieting. Let me be clear that I want to lose weight and feel healthy and energetic. BUT…I won’t be doing anything that focuses on calorie restriction or making certain foods “bad” (this is hard for me because I have strong feelings about organic, vegan foods). I’ve been down that road, and found it to be a dead-end that has no new scenery (and it doesn’t take me anywhere no matter how many times I’ve been down it–and I HAVE been down it).  So what will I do instead? Not entirely sure. But I do know that it will have something to do with intuitive eating and moving my body more.
2. I won’t be clamoring to “get organized” in ways that my born-organized friends do. I can learn from them and incorporate pieces of what they do. But seriously. I’ve got to start honoring my (piling) style. No, I don’t want to keep the piles. But the reason I pile is that I’m visual. So I want to honor that. My born organized friends can file things away and then find them. Me, not so much. So while I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing to get organized, I DO know I won’t be doing what I think I “should” be doing. Make sense? Organized, for me, may look different than what I or others think it “should” look like. This is actually true for me about parenting, and, well, life in general. No more imitating and praying for the same results as someone else. I don’t want to divulge how many organizing books I have on my shelves!
3. I won’t be perfecting my “persona”  at the expense of being authentic. Building an online business, it’s too easy for me to hide behind my brand “The Guilt Free Mom” and speak only from the expert, professional standpoint. In the past, the tone of my newsletters and e-mails has been rather impersonal and distanced. I still believe in being relevant to my readers and clients–I just want to do so with more transparency and intimacy. In short, I want to connect, but in a more intimate way.
4. I won’t be giving up coffee. I love the stuff. My two cups of day may go down to one, but that’s it. One of the nutritional gurus I adore, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, makes a compelling case for not needing stimulants to start the day, or get through it. I so agree with him on that point (and everything else he espouses). But here’s the deal. I already have a love/hate affair with sugar and with eating while stressed. I’m willing to address those issues, but for the time being, the coffee stays. For now.
5. I won’t be aspiring to be the perfect mom. One of my strengths and downfalls is that I am an idealist. This is great when it comes to coaching moms and helping them see the best in themselves. However, it’s not so great when it comes to idealizing what I should be doing as a mother (there’s that “should” word again). Yeah, I know the merits of chore charts (I should–I’ve started and stopped several of them), of organic, whole food for my children (no Cheez-Its for dinner?!), of limiting juice drinks (empty calories), of setting them up for a healthy adulthood and setting me up for a guilt-free old age. But even though I’ve tended to get excited by the idea of being this intentional, near- perfect mom (I can so see her in my head!), I also get 1) overwhelmed and 2) stuck in guilt and perfectionism. So this year, I won’t even aspire towards being The Perfect Mom. In her place will be….me. Of course, I won’t let the kids eat nothing but junk food and do whatever they want–but I’m not going to start the year beating myself up about an ideal that I’ll never reach.

So there they are. My declarations of “I won’ts.” The coach in me is clamoring to ask myself, “Okay, now we know what you don’t want. So, what do you want?” But for now, I’m going to let myself bask in the clarity of what I don’t want and what I won’t do.

Because it feels like self-acceptance.

And that’s a good place to start for 2010, or anytime.

This is second part of a two-part post by guest blogger Beth Shepard. To read Part 1, go here.

7.    Get out with your girlfriends. Regularly- and when you’re ready. When my kids were babies and toddlers, I worked full-time outside of the home, and had a hard time leaving them for any amount of time during my off-time. So, I didn’t. People kept pestering me to get out more, and I got tired of hearing it. As my kids got older, I felt better about leaving them for short periods of time to go out with a friend. Now that they’re 9 and 11, I go out with girlfriends 1-2x a month. And I really enjoy it! It’s refreshing and energizing to just relax and be me again, instead of always wearing my mommy radar.

8.    Spend time with your husband or partner. During those early years of parenthood, my husband and I didn’t have much adults-only time. But the times we did were vitally important to staying close and connected. Now, even if it’s just a few minutes of chitchat after work or after the kids go to bed, we make a point of connecting each day. Date-nights are still rather infrequent, but we make an effort to schedule them 1x/month to continue strengthening our marriage beyond our identity as parents.

9.    Play with your kids. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of barking out orders at children: “Clean your room, do your homework, practice piano, set the table, take a bath”…etc., and overlook the treasures and priceless gifts that they truly are. When I take the time to sit with my son and read to him, or do crafts with my daughter, or play badminton with both of them, I feel a sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction that I rarely get from anything else. The privilege of being their mom, watching them grow, guiding them through life’s twists and turns, and just enjoying the wonderful people they are brings me unspeakable joy. And it’s hard to be stressed out when children are belly-laughing!

10.   Get enough sleep. Hah – that’s something many moms only dream of. I didn’t sleep through the night until my kids were 5 and 7. I never napped when they napped -I had things to do. But research has confirmed the serious health benefits of sleep. Getting enough, good-quality sleep makes a huge different in terms of weight control, disease management, and even your ability to function during the day. Stress is magnified when you don’t get enough sleep. So, do what you have to do – go to bed early, delegate some tasks, assure yourself that the world won’t collapse if you get a few more winks – just get them.

11.                       Practice your faith. Whatever or whomever you believe in, believe wholeheartedly, and practice the teachings, rituals, and fellowship, integrating it into your daily life. Feeding your soul is every bit as important as feeding your body. If you have some room to grow in this area, seek out the advice of members of your faith community, religious or lay leaders.

12.                       Speak kindly to yourself. Moms are notoriously hard on themselves for what they aren’t doing, or what they do wrong. Give yourself a break, and speak to yourself with the same kindness and grace that you’d give a close friend. Focus on the positive, be encouraging, and see yourself for the amazing woman you are.

Beth Shepard, M.S., is a wellness coach, clinical exercise physiologist, and health promotion consultant in the Seattle area. She helps busy women all over the U.S.  achieve a better balance between work and life and adopt sustainable behavior changes for optimal well-being. www.wellcoaches.com/beth.shepard

Most moms do a pretty remarkable job of cutting corners on self-care to meet the demands of work and family responsibilities. But instead of saving time and energy, neglecting our own needs only magnifies the stress. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of better health by integrating these self-care practices into your lifestyle, one at a time.

1. List your values. What matters most to you? Is it your family? Your health? Work? Faith? Think of your top values as your compass, guiding your daily and long-term decisions. When you honor your values, you live a life of integrity. When you don’t, you increase your likelihood of stress overload.

2. Adjust your expectations. If having a super-tidy house isn’t one of your top values, relax already. It’s not a crime to let the laundry pile up while you take time out for yourself or to enjoy time with loved ones. The housework will always be there – but the people won’t.

3. Say “no thank-you.” Practice politely – yet firmly – declining commitments that don’t honor your values. I’m amazed at how well people adapt when I give myself and my priorities the respect we deserve. I currently decline all invitations to join in cookie exchanges. It’s too much pressure, and another to-do I don’t need during the holidays. My friends are OK with that – and they’re still my friends.

4. Move your body. A brief walk refreshes your mind, body, and soul in unbelievable ways. It burns calories, boosts metabolism, enhances your ability to concentrate and learn, and even helps protect against age-related declines in brain function. Sound good?

5. Eat lots of fruits and veggies. Stock up on a colorful variety of fresh and frozen produce – berries, stir-fry blends, bananas, clementines, pomegranates, and such. They’re packed with antioxidants, which help protect your body against disease. Aim for at least 5-7 servings a day – it’s easier than it sounds. Throw chopped vegetables in soups, sauces, salads, and entrees. When I make lasagna, I include shredded carrots, spinach, and mushrooms. For more ideas, visit www.fruitsandveggiesmorematters.org.

6. Eat mindfully. Honor your senses of hunger and fullness. Many women live inside of a constant power struggle, ignoring their body’s hunger signals in an effort to lose weight, or eating beyond the point of satisfaction to cope with stress or other emotions. Mindful eating is about tuning in to your hunger signals, and eating until you are satisfied. It’s about eating slowly, at a table, focusing on the food and how it makes your body feel – while enjoying pleasant mealtime conversation. It means turning the TV off, putting the book down, stepping away from the computer and work area. Eating should be an enjoyable, engaging experience, but many of us eat in 5 minutes or less, eat way too much, feel bad about it, and then eat more to feel better – except we never do feel better. Break this downward spiral today – make your next meal a mindful one. 

(Look for Part 2 in a few days!).

Beth Shepard, M.S., is a wellness coach, clinical exercise physiologist, and health promotion consultant in the Seattle area. She helps busy women all over the U.S. achieve a better balance between work and life and adopt sustainable behavior changes for optimal well-being. www.wellcoaches.com/beth.shepard

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…or is that just name of a holiday song?

Rather than be all “coachy” about it (in other words, speak in that impersonal voice of a coach), let me just be real and say that if there were ever going to be any melting down at our house this holiday season, it’d probably be me doing it. Right now, we have our own personal equation for stress going on: abnormally cold temps + freezing pipes + getting our house ready to sell (stripping wall paper and other “fun” stuff) + Christmas preparations + my husbands birthday = TOO MUCH TO DO = overwhelm. Today I wished I could just yank the covers over my head and go back to bed. And stay there. All day. However, given that the painter was scheduled to come and paint our master bedroom any minute, I knew that wasn’t an option (it wasn’t really anyway, but a mom can pretend, can’t she?).

I realized that a couple of things were going on for me that were making it harder during this busy time. First, I was looking at all the things that needed to be done without breaking them into manageable pieces. I’ll come clean here and say that my husband, who is a Project Manager at work, knows this about me and helps me to stop hyperventilating and start delegating. In order to delegate, I first have to see what smaller tasks underlie the large, humongous, “I-wanna-pull-the-cover-over-my-head” tasks. For example, instead of just freaking out about getting ready for our Open House real estate tour, my husband and I sat down and wrote down everything that needed to be done to be ready for it. At first, just seeing that big list made me want to run away. But as we began to group like items and then (my favorite part!) delegate them, I began to relax.

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Break large projects/tasks into smaller pieces and delegate when possible!

I also realized that I have the rather embarrassing tendency to want to snack mindlessly when I am overwhelmed. With all that’s happening right now, it’s fair to say I am snacking a lot. Overwhelmed with the fact that hubby’s birthday is in 12 days? Never fear! Bagels are here! Oh, don’t fret about the fact that you haven’t yet done your Christmas shopping! Remember how you just went to Trader Joe’s and bought hummus and brie and cookies? Sigh….of course these quick fixes are only telling half the truth. They are quick to temporarily pacify me (hmmmmm…the image of a pacifier just came to mind…ewwwwww), but they are certainly not “fixing” anything. Really, they are making things worse (or should I say “I” am making things worse). On top of my stress and overwhelm, I’ll now have to contend with extra pounds to lose. Oh, good. Another thing to add to my to-do list!

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Manage your stress and take good care of yourself in ways that truly nourish your spirit. If you’re really hungry and a snack will do it, great. Otherwise, what’s one small thing you can do to help yourself get back on-track? Is it as simple as staying hydrated (remember the simple things are often the most powerful!) or calling a good friend? Maybe for you sitting in front of the fire eating chocolate kisses would be soul-nourishing. Only you know!

The last thing I realized is that I tend to have rather grand expectations of myself all year long, but especially at this time of year. I want to enjoy my family. I want to support the moms I coach to the fullest extent possible. I also want to create great memories with my husband and children by participating in meaningful traditions (like making dough ornaments, decorating sugar cookies, and reading holiday books). Taken all together, this sounds like a recipe for stress and overwhelm, doesn’t it?

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Ask yourself what really matters to you. If you answer, “Doing holiday traditions with my kids,” ask yourself what feelings you are going for by doing this. For me, I want to feel connected, joyful and peaceful with them. Knowing this is key because if the actual activities don’t go as planned, I can still decide to remain connected, joyful and at peace. What’s your deeper “why”?

 How about we create a new equation, one that empowers us to not only “get through” the holidays, but to enjoy them? Here’s my new equation: break big tasks into smaller pieces + take good care of yourself in small but powerful ways + keep your expectations in line with what really matters = a more peaceful holiday season.

What do YOU do to keep underwhelm and stress to a minimum during the holiday season? What’s your equation for serenity?

As a mother, do you look forward to the holiday season?

1.  1. Keep your expectations in check, and get clear on what you want. What would a stress-free, guilt-free holiday look like for YOU? Never mind what your friends, neighbors, or even relatives want. If you were to have the holiday season unfold in a way that was just the way you want it, what would that look like? For me, it means minimal parties, lots of little traditions that don’t cost much (like reading holiday stories with my kids), enjoying the music of the season, and at least 20 minutes of alone time every day (Did you just snort with laughter at the thought of daily alone time ever happening? Hey, even ten minutes makes a difference, so at least try to sneak away to your bedroom for some peace and quiet!).  For one of my friends, however, keeping stress at bay means being around lots of people; it’s how she gets energized. Even though she’s not big on traditions (they went to the beach in Mexico for the holidays one year), she loves to bake and deliver the goodies to people, volunteer at a shelter, and hold elaborate holiday dinner parties. Just thinking about her schedule makes me tired! The key is to be clear on what a stress-free holiday experience looks like to you. Once you know what you need to stay out of melt-down mode you can create holiday experiences that match who you are.  If you feel guilty for focusing on what you need to avoid stress because it somehow seems selfish, remember that your kids need a calm mama with healthy boundaries more than any other holiday experience! If mama ain’t happy….
2. As a family, talk about what each person loves about the holidays and wants to be sure to include. See? You can let go of any guilt you’re feeling because you are now proactively thinking about your family members’ needs, as well as your own! At the beginning of the holiday season, ask each person what experiences they love most about the holidays. With young kids, you may have to ask the question a few different times, in a few different ways, to get beyond the answer, “Getting presents!” It can be helpful to write down everyone’s responses on a piece of paper (or better yet, poster board) so everyone’s input is taken into consideration. Note which family members are more introverted and like their downtime; they might be easily over-stimulated with too many parties. Also note whose answers seem like they crave being with others; they’ll need this outside stimulation to be their best. You might be surprised at how you can avoid melt-downs just  by being clear on a)what holiday experiences each family member values most, and b)how much down-time each person needs to ward off stress.
3. Practice the power of gratitude and appreciation by keeping a gratitude list. There’s just nothing like taking stock of all the good that’s already present in your life to give you that much-needed energy to enjoy the holidays. For example, as I was driving to meet a client today, I started thinking about all the thank you cards and gifts I wanted to send to various people. Immediately, I felt overwhelmed. But then I had another thought: “How amazing that I have this ‘problem’ of sending out thank yous; it means I have awesome people in my life that have touched it in some way and I want to be sure to thank them.”  All of a sudden, I saw myself as blessed. I was proud that I could turn the thought around and see the good in the situation. I’ll definintely be writing about this on my gratitude list tonight! By the way, I’m not disciplined enough to keep a “gratitude journal.” However, by calling it a “list” I take the pressure off myself to write a ton. This doesn’t have to be hard in order to be effective!

Really, one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your family is to focus on what really matters to you during this holiday season. Let go of activities or traditions that stress you out, and keep the ones that bring meaning and joy to your life. In the end, all we really have are our memories, so go create some peaceful, stress-free and guilt-free ones!

I’ve been interested in talking about those “pink elephants in the living room” (you know, the stuff that people don’t want to talk about but you KNOW is there) since I was a kid.

Of course, discretion is a good thing, and another skill that children (and some adults) need to learn. Still, I am in awe of those people in our culture that tell the truth as they see it, often going against the grain. As someone who cares what others think, often too much, I aspire to be more of a “truth-teller” and to be real.

Being “real” nowadays can mean not just having your ego show up (and try only to present your best light), but letting others see your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It can also mean having really bad boundaries, as in the case of some reality TV shows (Do we really need to know all about Jon and Kate?). What I’m talking about is NOT about sharing gory details that are basically “TMI” (“Too Much Information). There has to be a context, or a reason for sharing.

So where I’m going with this is that I am on a mission to be more real about my mompreneur journey. And…I am also on a mission to help other mompreneurs ditch the guilt about telling the truth about their struggles. Take a look at a beautiful mompreneur website, and take in the stunning graphics, the headshot that showcases a beautifully made-up person. It’s easy to take the next step and 1)compare ourselves to that person, 2)come up short, and 3)tell ourselves a story about how that person is wildly successful and probably NEVER yells at her kids or rushes through a bedtime story so she can have a moment to herself (or work on her business!). Enter toxic guilt, the kind that whispers critical secrets in your ear such as, “See? YOU don’t have this mompreneur thing down like SHE does.”

I know that, for me, it can feel risky and downright scary to admit to people on my blog that I have struggles. What if they find out that I have piles of crap on my desk and I haven’t made the time to volunteer in my kids’ classes because I feel pulled in a million of directions? Will these blog readers still think I’m competent and professional enough? I think the key for me is to share enough to be real, so other mompreneurs can relate and know they’re not alone. We don’t share our truths just so we can “purge” ourselves of guilt . No, we do it because being real about the good, the bad, and the ugly frees up our much-needed energy to do what we’re here on earth to do, and it gives others permission to be real, too. Successful mompreneurs (however you define “successful”) aren’t that way because they “have it all together” all of the time. They’re successful because:

• They are real with themselves where they struggle (and where they rock)
• They realize they’re not alone in their struggles
• They are willing to get help from a “Tribe” who understands their challenges and can support them

I’m excited to be embarking on a “Truth Telling” Project in the upcoming weeks. I’ll be interviewing different mompreneurs on how their two worlds (being a parent and being a business mom) often collide. Each will share secrets about areas she’s struggled AND will share what’s helped her succeed. We all deserve to know we’re not alone and that many of us even share some the same struggles!

I say, “Bring on the ‘pink elephants’!” Let’s talk about them, get them out in the open, and free up our energy to do the things that really matter to us (for me that’s raising great kids, a strong marriage and having a successful business). The curious thing is, the more we acknowledge and talk about them, the less hold they have over us.

The truth shall set us free, AND help us band together in being authentically human and perfectly imperfect.  I hope you’ll join us in letting your “pink elephants” come and play with ours!

As a mompreneur, how do you see yourself?

It’s easy to think that everybody else has it easier than we do. I t’s true I don’t work for someone else’s company outside my home. But I am a working mom. Oops. Do I sound defensive? Probably. I honor all moms. Stay at home moms work. Work outside the home moms work. Work at home moms work. All moms work. How we work looks different based on our circumstances.

I think as mompreneurs we need to acknowledge that we are in a very unique category, and with that comes unique needs and challenges. Yes, we work from home, and that enables us to do some pretty cool things that work-outside-the-home moms might find more challenging: put dinner in the crockpot, throw a load of clothes in the wash, read our child a story or help her with homework, write a blog post, talk to a client, lead a teleseminar. Still, because we work from home, we can be pulled in several different directions. We can be painfully aware of our children or husband needing us (and don’t forget the dog),  while we are busily working away on our businesses. We are constantly being called to be intentional with our time and our boundaries in ways that differ from other moms. It doesn’t make us better or worse. It just makes us different.

As mompreneurs we need  a tribe of people who “get” us. We are trailblazing a new path in motherhood, which is both exciting and overwhelming. Because of this, we need support that is tailored to our unique situations. Our tribe can consist of other mompreneurs (both as friends and business partners), life and business coaches, virtual assistants, etc. The key is to surround ourselves with people with whom we resonate and who support us. Sometimes these relationships will be reciprocal (as in friendships or business partnerships). Other times, they might be others we pay to provide a service that makes our life easier (such as a virtual assistant or a housecleaner). I think it’s important to have both kinds of relationships so we can build our tribe of support. I’ll admit that one of the reasons I love hangin’ with other mompreneurs is that we “get” each other on a fundamental level. We understand the desire to work for ourselves, to have a flexible schedule so we can be there for our kids, to leave our mark on the world as a mother and as an entrepreneur. All moms deserve their own tribe.

Who’s in your tribe?