I’ve been interested in talking about those “pink elephants in the living room” (you know, the stuff that people don’t want to talk about but you KNOW is there) since I was a kid.

Of course, discretion is a good thing, and another skill that children (and some adults) need to learn. Still, I am in awe of those people in our culture that tell the truth as they see it, often going against the grain. As someone who cares what others think, often too much, I aspire to be more of a “truth-teller” and to be real.

Being “real” nowadays can mean not just having your ego show up (and try only to present your best light), but letting others see your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It can also mean having really bad boundaries, as in the case of some reality TV shows (Do we really need to know all about Jon and Kate?). What I’m talking about is NOT about sharing gory details that are basically “TMI” (”Too Much Information). There has to be a context, or a reason for sharing.

So where I’m going with this is that I am on a mission to be more real about my mompreneur journey. And…I am also on a mission to help other mompreneurs ditch the guilt about telling the truth about their struggles. Take a look at a beautiful mompreneur website, and take in the stunning graphics, the headshot that showcases a beautifully made-up person. It’s easy to take the next step and 1)compare ourselves to that person, 2)come up short, and 3)tell ourselves a story about how that person is wildly successful and probably NEVER yells at her kids or rushes through a bedtime story so she can have a moment to herself (or work on her business!). Enter toxic guilt, the kind that whispers critical secrets in your ear such as, “See? YOU don’t have this mompreneur thing down like SHE does.”

I know that, for me, it can feel risky and downright scary to admit to people on my blog that I have struggles. What if they find out that I have piles of crap on my desk and I haven’t made the time to volunteer in my kids’ classes because I feel pulled in a million of directions? Will these blog readers still think I’m competent and professional enough? I think the key for me is to share enough to be real, so other mompreneurs can relate and know they’re not alone. We don’t share our truths just so we can “purge” ourselves of guilt . No, we do it because being real about the good, the bad, and the ugly frees up our much-needed energy to do what we’re here on earth to do, and it gives others permission to be real, too. Successful mompreneurs (however you define “successful”) aren’t that way because they “have it all together” all of the time. They’re successful because:

• They are real with themselves where they struggle (and where they rock)
• They realize they’re not alone in their struggles
• They are willing to get help from a “Tribe” who understands their challenges and can support them

I’m excited to be embarking on a “Truth Telling” Project in the upcoming weeks. I’ll be interviewing different mompreneurs on how their two worlds (being a parent and being a business mom) often collide. Each will share secrets about areas she’s struggled AND will share what’s helped her succeed. We all deserve to know we’re not alone and that many of us even share some the same struggles!

I say, “Bring on the ‘pink elephants’!” Let’s talk about them, get them out in the open, and free up our energy to do the things that really matter to us (for me that’s raising great kids, a strong marriage and having a successful business). The curious thing is, the more we acknowledge and talk about them, the less hold they have over us.

The truth shall set us free, AND help us band together in being authentically human and perfectly imperfect.  I hope you’ll join us in letting your “pink elephants” come and play with ours!

As a mompreneur, how do you see yourself?

It’s easy to think that everybody else has it easier than we do. I t’s true I don’t work for someone else’s company outside my home. But I am a working mom. Oops. Do I sound defensive? Probably. I honor all moms. Stay at home moms work. Work outside the home moms work. Work at home moms work. All moms work. How we work looks different based on our circumstances.

I think as mompreneurs we need to acknowledge that we are in a very unique category, and with that comes unique needs and challenges. Yes, we work from home, and that enables us to do some pretty cool things that work-outside-the-home moms might find more challenging: put dinner in the crockpot, throw a load of clothes in the wash, read our child a story or help her with homework, write a blog post, talk to a client, lead a teleseminar. Still, because we work from home, we can be pulled in several different directions. We can be painfully aware of our children or husband needing us (and don’t forget the dog),  while we are busily working away on our businesses. We are constantly being called to be intentional with our time and our boundaries in ways that differ from other moms. It doesn’t make us better or worse. It just makes us different.

As mompreneurs we need  a tribe of people who “get” us. We are trailblazing a new path in motherhood, which is both exciting and overwhelming. Because of this, we need support that is tailored to our unique situations. Our tribe can consist of other mompreneurs (both as friends and business partners), life and business coaches, virtual assistants, etc. The key is to surround ourselves with people with whom we resonate and who support us. Sometimes these relationships will be reciprocal (as in friendships or business partnerships). Other times, they might be others we pay to provide a service that makes our life easier (such as a virtual assistant or a housecleaner). I think it’s important to have both kinds of relationships so we can build our tribe of support. I’ll admit that one of the reasons I love hangin’ with other mompreneurs is that we “get” each other on a fundamental level. We understand the desire to work for ourselves, to have a flexible schedule so we can be there for our kids, to leave our mark on the world as a mother and as an entrepreneur. All moms deserve their own tribe.

Who’s in your tribe?

I must confess. There are times that working from home  and seeing the housework that awaits  really bums me out.

For me, the positives from working from home as a mompreneur far outweigh the negatives. When I think back to being a technical writer or a teacher, I remember how stressed I was to have to work on someone else’s terms. Sick days were cause for a mommy melt-down, as finding a substitute teacher (particularly when I taught emotionally disturbed kids) was often impossible. Other stresses were that I often didn’t agree with the way the organizations were run; I wasn’t able to tap into my strengths and creativity in ways that nourished me. Running my own business feeds that creative part of me that thrives on autonomy and innovation. So, here are my top 3 reasons I think being a mompreneur rocks:

1. I’m the boss, applesauce! I’m in charge of my own destiny. Like it or not, my success or failure is, in large part, up to me. While this often scares the pants off me, it also exhilarates and delights me.
2. I am doing something I am passionate about and that feels like spiritual work.  This is big. Nowadays, motherhood can be a competitive sport, and mompreneurs are not immune to this. I get to be part of a movement to help moms use their strengths so they can be leaders in their fields and leaders with their kids. How awesome is that?
3. I’m on a roller-coaster ride of self-growth. I’ve learned more about myself in my four years of being a mompreneur than I ever could’ve imagined. There have been times I’ve wanted off this wild ride, but overall, I’m a better person for it. I’m learning to be less driven by my ego and more about service. I’m constantly learning new ideas about growing my business and how to help my clients. I’m learning patience and perseverance. Being a mompreneur has shined a light on my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ve learned to be open to new ideas and viewpoints and to let go and laugh.

So what’s the one way being a mompreneur doesn’t  rock? This would have to be that I am constantly wrestling with my passion for my business and my passion for my family. It’s common that I’m thinking about a blog post or a podcast, while in the middle of reading to my daughters. I know, I know. This isn’t being mindful. But I’m being real here. I love what I do and I love my family. And because I work from home in my own biz, I am constantly deciding where to give my attention. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling a bunch of balls while riding on a roller coaster!

But mostly I feel grateful to be doing what I’m doing. I’m modeling for my daughters how to take initiative, start something you believe in, succeed, fail, learn, learn some more, and create.

And that just rocks.

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s no use crying over spilled milk?”

I felt virtuous and I explained to the deli manager that I wanted something low-cal and healthful. “If you like feta cheese, the greek salad is delicious and it’s full of veggies.” Bingo! There was my solution.  I sauntered to the car, bursting with the pride of honoring my commitment to health. And then it happened. As I was driving, I  hit my brakes quickly. My virtuous meal turned into a virtual mess.

This was so not fair! I’d “done the right thing” and was now “supposed” to be rewarded! I immediately felt sorry for myself, annoyed, and put-upon. I briefly thought about “retaliating” and going through a fast food joint to ease my pain with onion rings. But whom would I be retaliating against? Myself? Luckily, that choice seemed ludicrous.

The 15 minutes it took to drive home gave me the space to calm down and choose another perspective (notice that my first perspective was to feel sorry for myself and wolf down greasy food!). Once home, I started to laugh. I realized that life happens: not a stunningly complex realization, but apparently one I needed to still learn. As I laughed at how close I came to giving in and eating junk food all because life didn’t go my way in that moment, I realized that, in the moment I felt my feelings and gave myself space to calm down and act (rather than react), I won. I won out over feeling victimized, over whiny self-talk, over negative events that happen that I don’t like.

It was then, in my laughter, that I realized that my days of being a mompreneur are filled with moments that require me to “re-boot” myself and keep going. Isn’t motherhood like that, too? Life is like that. There are days when my kids need me as much as my business does, and there just isn’t time to do it all. There are days when my clients’ internet businesses are thriving and their home lives are not, AND they need help right away. And, there are times when my computer crashes and it feels like my whole business will crash, too, if the dang thing isn’t up and running soon.

And so it is with us mompreneurs. There will always be those “spilled greek salad days,” when we feel we’ve done everything right, and yet it all seems to be going wrong. Allowing ourselves a little tantrum isn’t necessarily a bad thing–especially when it just involves us tantrumming with ourselves! Just know that on those days when:

*the kids are home sick and you need to lead a huge teleseminar and have two coaching clients

*you write an amazing blog post only to find it disappear into thin air

*your child refuses to go to school and you have to be on a call in 30 minutes

…you are not alone. We all have those days, those “spilled greek salad days.” But know this. You also can choose to feel your feelings and then, reboot. While I’ve got  ideas on how to handle the parenting/family problems that arise in a mompreneur’s life, I know that this skill of rebooting and choosing my response trumps all others.

As mom entrepreneurs, we reboot on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. Give yourself some credit for already doing it, and don’t underestimate this skill! That person who just gave you the finger on the freeway apparently needs to learn it!

Straight off, let me apologize to any mompreneurs out there who are rocket scientists (and you know who you are).

Maybe it’s the term “self care.” It sounds kind of clinical and “coach-y.” Like it’s one more thing we have to add to our to-do list. “I have to do the laundry, make the bed, walk the dog, clean the toilet,  AND do self-care.”  What if we called it what it is: “Something I do because, if I don’t, I fall apart and can’t do anything for anyone, which means my life falls apart.” Too long and dramatic? Probably. But at least it cuts to the chase and bottom-lines it. We cannot be effective moms, be  loving wives,  be great business women, be  great friends, be  great anything if we’re on empty. Period.  How effective are we if we are stressed, overwhelmed and near tears? If we think we feel guilty taking time for ourselves to refuel because it takes time away from our family and business, we need to think again. When we don’t take time to re-energize, we can be at our worst. For me, this means snapping at family members (”Am I the only person in this house who knows how to do the laundry? Towels just don’t wash themselves, you know!”), feeling so overwhelmed with my to-do list that it grows even longer because my overwhelm has morphed into inaction, and feeling guilty for my behavior (and just plain “stuck in the yuck”).

Feeling guilty isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it points us to our “True North.” It can be our conscience nudging us that we’re out of alignment with our integrity and what we value. If we feel guilty for taking time to refuel (and let’s face it–being a mom and a business owner require a ton of fuel/energy), we can notice the feeling and then question it. We can ask ourselves, “What good will come out of taking care of myself? What will happen if I don’t and I run myself into the ground? Is that what I want? What’s one small thing I can do that would help me refuel?” My point is that our guilt about taking care of ourselves needs to be questioned and rechanneled. If we DON’T take care of ourselves, we are more likely to be impatient with our kids and clients, get frustrated and overwhelmed and take those feelings out on others, and be wildly unproductive in all areas of our lives. How effective are we at that point?

I recently posted some tips on Twitter about how mompreneurs can take care of themselves in ways that only take a few minutes. Some of the ideas I mentioned were listening to favorite music on i-Pods, drinking tea slowly and savoring it, walking the dog, etc. Sure, spa days, vacations and massages are amazing. So are the little things that we do that help us reconnect to our passions, our joys, our sense of self. If we are intentional about doing several little things througout the day that boost our energy, the payoff will be big. Last week was so busy that taking care of myself meant deep-breathing throughout the day, drinking lots of water, listening to music, and petting the cat. Not exactly exciting stuff, but it refueled me and kept me on the path to reaching my goals. 

Will you join me in simplifying self-care? If that term inspires you, great. If it doesn’t, find one that does. What can you do to refuel that only takes a few minutes? Start small if you struggle with this. If you make taking care of yourself harder than it needs to be so that it doesn’t happen, what happens in your life and in your business? How do you show up in your life when you’re on empty and stressed beyond belief? Do you like the choices you make when you feel like that? Let’s support one another to avoid the toxic guilt that whispers, “You’re already busy enough–don’t take time away from your family or business by taking time for yourself. Keep going.” Instead, let’s question that guilt and take time for ourselves SO THAT we can be of service to our families and our businesses.

You know that saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” Well, it’s true. I’d also add, “If mama don’t take care of herself, there ain’t no ’self’ to take care of anybody or anything else.’” How we take care of ourselves, as well as how often, are up for negotiation. But let’s decide that whether or not we will take care of ourselves is non-negotiable.

As mom entrepreneurs, we are beyond busy.

As business women, we know that there are activities that are high-payoff because they will help our business grow AND make us money (and I’ve had to admit that playing “Jigzone” on the computer isn’t one of them!).  The same is true for our personal lives. We can respond to what is urgently slapping us in the face, but it doesn’t mean that doing so is the best use of our time. If we look at the areas of our personal/family lives that cause us stress, and can see that, over time, we are responding the same way, to the same situations, it’s time to make a change and do something different.

However, being “busy” can be a crutch at times, because it can become an excuse for not dealing head-on with something that really needs our attention: something that, if we addressed it, would lead to happier, better-behaved kids or more clients in our business. Pick an area of your life where you struggle. For me it’s dinner. My husband’s a vegetarian and I’m trying to lose weight. On top of that, I have picky kids AND a crazy schedule. If night after night I find myself in the same situation, feeling guilty and frustrated and maybe even resentful that this dinner thing is such a problem and there is rarely a nutritious dinner on the table,  I have a choice. I can blame my busy schedule for why this situation is happening, and then make an excuse for not making a change. Or, I can recognize that it is because I am busy that I choose to take responsibility and change the situation.

An easy way to tell if you’re making excuses and using your “busyness” and “business” as reasons why you don’t have the time to address what’s not working in your life is this litmus test. Do you make the time to take care of yourself on a daily basis? I’m not talking running off to the spa everyday. I mean do you take time to clear your head, do something for a few minutes that energizes and nourishes you? Or are you parenting on empty and running your business that way too? 

 There is a direct relationship between how willing you are to take care of yourself on a regular basis and how willing you are to take responsibility for your life. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we just have more mental and physical energy to deal with what’s not working when we are taking care of ourselves. Or perhaps it’s that the act of taking care of ourselves is the first step in our showing up fully in our own lives (and admitting where we need help). When we’re running on fumes because of a crazy schedule, there’s little willingness to deal with challenges because we’re simply in “I just need to get through this” mode.

The guilt-free approach to this mompreneur dilemma is to ask yourself, “In what areas am I taking responsibility in my life?” Acknowledge what you ARE doing that’s helping you. Then ask yourself, “What’s one area of my life where I can make one small change for the better?” Remember that when you are really stressed and overwhelmed, the smallest changes can have the largest impact. Don’t let your guilt about not changing become yet another excuse. Notice it, and move on! Don’t let excuses keep you stuck in the status quo unless you’re happy there. The cost to you and your family is high: more stress and chaos, and less peace. The cost to your business is twofold: less energy to put into your business, and a lot less profit.

Bottom Line? It doesn’t have to be this way. You can “unstick” yourself from the web of excuses by a)acknowledging that you have them and b)not buying into them. Like a friendship that was once mutually beneficial and no longer is, you can part ways with your excuses.

Oh, they’ll still try to visit, from time to time. But all you have to do is smile, wave goodbye, and move on.

BizMom’s “Secrets Revealed” Retreat

November 7-8, 2009, Salt Lake City, Utah

As a Millionaire Mindset BizMom have you ever…
…hidden in a closet so your kids can’t find you while you made a business call?
…raced through a fast food joint to feed the family in time to meet a deadline?
….spent hours strip searching your desk for that important piece of paper?
….been drowning in email “Quick Sand”?
….had a child in “melt down” while you were on the phone?
…felt like you were running way-past “empty” just trying to get it all done?

Chances are you have attended educational conferences and hired expensive coaches to help you grow your business, but have you ever had an opportunity to invest in blending your family life with your business? That’s what the “Secrets Revealed” Retreat is all about.

In just two days you’ll see, feel and learn first-hand the secrets that will take the STRUGGLING out of the JUGGLING of running a business and a busy family simultaneously.

Here are just a few of the take-aways from organizing expert Debbye Cannon and parenting expert Karen Bierdeman:

* Your personalized, automatic meal system to save you 10+ hours a week and still have “good’ meals. (Turning this time into income = $500+ more per week!)

* Proven strategies for succeeding with that “head strong” child. (Priceless!)

* Long lasting office organizing systems that support your unique business for higher productivity. (Estimated savings of 5 hours per week to use for sleep or personal fitness-we know that’s what you give up first!)

* Communication secrets that create a peaceful environment in your home and office.

* Speed shopping SMARTcuts^TM so you have what you need, when you need it. (Save 2 hours per week. Work 1 hour and get a massage with the other!)

* Creating cooperative support teams that share the load at home and in the office so you are doing less work. (You didn’t even know that was possible did you?)

This is the first (and maybe once in a lifetime) chance to see behind the curtain and immerse yourself in a high functioning, flexibily organized home and home office AND get personalized parent coaching all in one FUN weekend. Not only that, but we’ve even set up a kids’ “Day Camp” in case you need (or want) to make it a “mom and me adventure”!

Your final question…what’s it cost? Sign up now for just $1497. We’ve even included local transportation, meals and supplies. Optional: airfare, hotel (we’ve got a sweet deal for you) and Day Camp. Three pay option available ($525 ea).

You knew it was coming…here’s your “call to action” because there are only EIGHT tiny little spots for this incredible life changing retreat. So reserve TODAY before it’s too late, we ONLY have room for 8!

Contact me now to reserve your spot!
Debbye(at)BizMomMentor.com Subject Line: Retreat

“C’mon, Mom—let’s GO! I want to GO somewhere!”

My other daughter, who’s ten, would rather curl up with a good book and a cat. When she was a baby, she would rather play with her toys rather than with people.  Extended eye contact with her overstimulated her. Now that she’s older, she’s learned that spending time alone helps decrease her stress (except when her extroverted sister is banging on the door screaming, “You never want to play with me! Come out NOW!”).

And their mama? Well, I am an introvert. When push comes to shove, I need time alone to refuel. So does my husband. So what do we do when there are three of us who need to lay low in order to feel better and we are living with a person who thrives on being with others? Managing this isn’t is difficult as it sounds. I’ve found the following steps to be helpful for both introverted and extroverted family members:

1. Be aware of whether you tend towards introversion or extroversion, and also become aware of your children’s tendencies. Even though it’s geared toward younger children,  this site will give you a great idea of how your child leans. 
2. For kids that are verbal, sit down and talk with them about how everybody has a “gas tank” just like the car. Just like the car, everybody needs to put in more gas in order to play, work, have fun, etc. Also explain that some people do this alone, while others need to be around people, and that both ways are great. Ask them what they they think they need, as well as to make guesses about the rest of the family members. If you have toddlers or very young preschoolers that aren’t yet able to talk about this, then you can jumpstart the process by helping them recharge before they melt down.
3. After you’ve had a short general discussion about how everyone in the family “fills up,” come up with a brief list of these ways. Ask questions such as, “What’s one thing each day that you can do to meet your need for being with others?” or “Since you need some time alone each day, how can you make that happen?” Given that it’s not always possible for kids to get out of the house the moment they feel the need to be with others, come up with other options like calling  and e-mailing friends, etc.  Perhaps have a standing weekly playdate with a few pals for your extroverted child will give them something to look forward to. For your introverted child, it might be helpful to plan on a daily “siesta” time where it is totally cool to have time alone, no questions asked.
4.  Empower your kids to understand how they’re wired, as well as how everyone else in the family is, so it will be easier for them to learn to meet their own needs BEFORE there’s a problem. They’ll also learn to respect others’ needs. Knowledge is power, and I’d also add that so is planning ahead.
5. Be the leader by going first. As the mom, it’s powerful for your kids to hear you say, “I can tell I’m getting tired and cranky and need to spend some time with my friends tonight. I think I’ll meet them for dinner. This is how I get my energy back .” Of course, this isn’t about guilt-tripping your kids into believing that they are the cause of your energy depletion (even though it may feel that way, at times!). Rather, it’s valuing yourself enough to take the time to do what refuels you so you can be more effective. Kids do what we do–so you’ll be doing EVERYONE a favor by modeling this and keeping yourself refueled. One of the best ways I know to have a great summer is to have each family member “refuel” in ways that work for them. That way, the only melt-downs you’ll have will be popcicles and ice cream bars!

As promised, I’m back with the next post in the “How To Thrive (Not Just Survive) Summer” series.

After you’re clear on what you’d like your summer to be like, it’s time to think about how you recharge your batteries.  Are you an introvert? If so, you’ll need to plan on down time for a few minutes each day, without others around. Easier said than done, you say? Perhaps, but if you are willing to make it happen, I can help you with that. First, you absolutely have to know how to fill yourself back up when you’re on empty. Introverted moms cane easily become overwhelmed by being with their kids all day. It’s not that they don’t love them and want to be around them. It’s that their gas tank gets refilled by being alone.

If you a mom who’s extroverted, you get your gas tank filled up by being around others; interacting with other people energizes you. This doesn’t mean you don’t need time away from others (including your kids). It just means that, since you recharge being with people, it’s not quite as draining for you to be with your kids. It’s still important for you to be around adults, and not just kids. Of course, it’s a rare mom who’s purely one or the other. The important thing is just to ask yourself how you fill back up when you’re on empty. The long days of summer are prime blocks of time for you to use lots of energy with your kids. It’s essential to know how YOU get your energy back.

If you’re not sure how you refuel, check out my podcast with Janet Penley. We talked quite a bit about how introverts and extroverts refuel and take care of themselves. Janet’s book, MotherStyles, is also a fabulous resource for using personality style to capitalize on your mothering strengths.

Guilt Free Mom Coaching Action: Think back to what you’ve done to successfully take care of yourself. Was it alone or with others? Was it a little bit of both?  Once you’re clear on that, commit to spending at least ten minutes each day refueling in a way that really works for your personality type. The little things really matter here, so don’t discount actions like waking up a few minutes earlier than your kids so you can sip coffee slowly and wake up peacefully. Maybe you’ll need to plan “mom time outs” and plan time in your room for a few minutes here and there. Or perhaps you’ll invite other moms over for conversation with adults. This step is the foundational piece because once you commit to refueling yourself daily, if even for a few minutes, you’re in a much better mental place to implement the other tips to come. If you’re stressed, it won’t matter what tips you try; they won’t work until you’re in a good place. So take good care of yourself!

Welcome to a series of blog posts that will be dealing with a topic that strikes fear into the hearts of mothers everywhere:  how you as a mom can set up the summer so that your sanity is intact, you actually enjoy your children, and you even make some good memories together.

A willingness to rethink what summer means to you and your family.

In fact, let’s start with willingness, shall we? When you think of spending the summer with your kids, what comes to mind? Do you dread the lack of down-time you’ll have now that school’s out? Or do you wonder how many days (hours?) it will take before your kids whine, “Moooom, I’m bored!”  Maybe you actually look forward to watching (even joining!) your kids in the sprinkler, or enjoying popsicles.

The first step to creating a great summer is to get clear on where you’re at with it.  I’ve got tons of tips for you on how to make this summer a memorable one (and I mean that in a good way!), one that you’ll actually be sad to have end. But first, you gotta know where you’re starting from so you can chart your path.

Guilt-Free Mom Coaching Action:  Check in with yourself on how you’re feeling about having your kids out of school and home for the summer. Be honest. What’s your worst fear? What’s your biggest hope?

Then, check back in two days for the first of many “How To Thrive (Not Just Survive) This Summer” tips.

P.S. I admit to feeling mixed. My girls, ages 7 and 10, are delightful (most of the time). They are fairly self-sufficient at this age, which makes life easier. That said, I’m always a little nervous about how to fit in “me time” when we’re all together 24/7. And when I work from home. Overall, I’m looking forward to creating memories. But ask me how I’m feeling in mid July!