I had a wonderful workout and even got to do a little bit of Yoga at the end.  By the time Gracie woke up at 6:45ish I was refreshed and at peace and ready to bestow upon her an insane amount of hugs and kisses.

While we often feel guilty about wanting time to ourselves, I think the reality is that we need time to ourselves in order to be good mommies and daddies.

No child wants to feel like a burden or an unwanted intrusion.  I know this from personal experience. Both of my parents were very focused on themselves…they were part of that generation.  Oddly they both thought that by being so focused on careers and financial obligations they were being great parents.  I would have preferred more hugs and some silly time personally.  I spent a great deal of my childhood feeling as if they would have preferred not to have me.  That’s not so great for your self esteem.

I don’t want to do that to Gracie, but when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I have no had a moment to myself in days, I know I give off that vibe.  When she calls my name I can hear that tone in my voice that says “you pain in the ass what the hell do you want now?”  Mind you what I’m actually saying is “Yes honey?”, but I know the tone says it all.  Especially when she seeks me out to hug me and say “I love you Mommy.”  I know that she has sensed my frustration and anger and she feels she is the cause.

At those moments I want to curl up under a rock and die.  The guilt comes crashing down.  All I can do is wrap my arms around her and hold her close, reassuring her that I love her and I am there for her.  Then I try to drop what I’m doing and remember that these days are precious and soon she will be grown and gone and I will have more time to myself than I know how to fill.

This was working out really well until hubby decided to stick to his New Year’s resolution and has begun rising at 5:30 with me so he can head out to the gym.  The problem is that he has never learned the art of being ninja quiet.  The ten minutes it takes him to get out of the house seem like the loudest ten minutes of the day. I suspect he even wakes the neighbors!

I know he doesn’t do it on purpose, but I wish he would learn to tip-toe. Don’t put on the shoes until just before you walk out the door, please! Between the clomping around on our hard wood floors and the doors being flung open and shutting with an audible click, there is no way Gracie is going to stay asleep.  We talked about it when he came back from the gym today so hopefully tomorrow it will be a bit quieter.

So off he goes to the gym and there I am in my sacred little space trying to tuck her into a bunch of blankets, getting her a glass of milk, answering endless questions about my TV show and my exercise and the time of day and anything else that pops into her adorable little head at 5:30AM.

Usually after my workout I head to the dining room for my quiet breakfast and 45 minutes of internet bliss.  I read my favorite blogs, check my email and just goof around with no agenda and no rules.   Not when Gracie is awake.  There’s noise, TV, more questions, breakfast to be cooked, clothes to be picked out, teeth to be brushed and there goes my little piece of heaven.

I know that time with my child is a rare and precious gift, but time with myself is even more rare and more precious.  I only get about an hour a day just for me and that hour  makes me a very happy person and probably a better mommy.

So, this morning I got angrier and angrier and mourned the loss of my special time and then the guilt came crashing in.  Just the way you want to start your day right?

Anyway, back to that spending study.  I realize that since I’ve gone back to work outside the house I spend more on Gracie at Christmas than I did when I worked at home.  You could argue it’s because i have more money, but that’s not true.  I made a pretty good living at home for a couple of years too.  Nope, this is about my guilt.  Guilt for not being there.  Of course buying more toys isn’t going to replace my presence at school drop off and pickup time, or for after school snack and snuggle time, but it makes me feel better for about 3 minutes, so what the hell!

So I have officially over-shopped already for Gracie, and it’s only December 2nd.  I’m sure there are a few last minute things I’ll pick up along the way. Like in a couple of weeks when I feel guilty for sending store baked goodies to the school party because I’m not a domestic mommy, and I don’t bake.  I’m sure I could try to bake and it would be okay, but I don’t bake.  I just feel guilty about not baking, and buy something at the store for Gracie to bring in. Get it?

Now it is time for me to shop for everyone else on our list because I am the female.  I think it has something to do with our hunter-gatherer roots or something, because most of the women I know end up being the holiday shoppers for their whole family.  Maybe our instinctive ability to gather the plumpest berries and tastiest nuts has evolved into an ability to spot a cashmere scarf on sale from a mile away?  I’m so good at it that I even do shopping for my mom and sometimes my mother-in-law.   Hey, everyone has to have a talent, right?

Now that I work outside the home, I am the queen of online shopping.  While I sit here on boring conference calls, or listening to prospects drone on without ever coming to a point, I hunt the online bargains.   I also gather unusual gift ideas.  It is often true that the thought is the thing that truly counts and I’ve found ways to turn some great thoughts into great gifts.

Gathered here for you are some of my sure-fire holiday gift ideas.  Feel free to say you thought them up all by yourself.  I know you’ll feel guilty about taking the credit, but what’s a little more guilt among friends?

Gift of the Month Clubs

Yes, I am totally aware that these clubs are the butt of many jokes, but the reality is that elderly people love them!  It gives them something to look forward to each and every month, and I promise you they will call every month when their new arrival comes.  Some of my favorites are:

The Potato Chip of the Month - I know I would love to get this!  I love chips and I love to try new kinds. This is great for the college student in your life too!

Soup of the Month - this is really nice for grandparents or older aunts and uncles living in colder climates. The mixes are easy to use and always warm the heart.

Breakfast of the Month - is a really sweet idea too.  I would love it, but it doesn’t come in a gluten free variety. Sadly I just get to send this one, not get it

The Of the Month Store has over 40 different clubs including the fruit, steak and flower clubs you are probably more familiar with .  I bet you didn’t know there is a pickle of the month, huh?  How cool is that for gag gift.  They’ve also got jerky of the month!  Hmmmm….I feel a gag gift for my brothers coming on!

Coolest Handmade Gifts That You Didn’t Make

I’ll admit that I do make gifts for people.  I love paper crafting so I’m all about making special albums, journals and ornaments for people.  However, I don’t always have the time or the skill to make the perfect gift for someone. That is when I turn to Etsy, which is the coolest online community of artisans ever!  You can find just about anything at this site, and there are many artists who do custom work as well.  Here are some of my favorites:

Mootsie - I will be completely up front here and tell you that Mootsie is a very dear friend of mine.  She is how I first learned about the coolness that is Etsy.  Her art is absolutely awesome and she has made jewelry for me as well as holiday ornaments.  Trust me when I say that you will be blown away by her art.  If you are looking for eclectic jewelry you will love her shop.

Helen’s Handbags - This is a great place to find a funky and unique gift for a friend or sister.  She has such a fun time making these things and it shows in her art.  These are truly gifts that won’t be forgotten!

The Dreamy Giraffe - I bought a gorgeous pirate/mermaid print from her and I was just blown away by it in person.  I guess I’m just a sucker for those big eyes she paints, but I swear I could go nuts buying stuff from her!

Some Other Great Places for Gifts

Shutterfly- never underestimate the power of a photo book or calendar.  You don’t have to be a digital scrapbooking wiz to do this.  Shutterfly is my personal favorite because they have so many designs for both photo books and calendars.  You just plop your photos into them and that’s it.  It takes about 15-20 minutes to do and your family will love the books.  Trust me!

Overstock.com - I totally kicked butt shopping here this year.  All kinds of odds and ends including toys, clothes, books and electronics.  I knocked out a bunch of stuff all in one place and I got back 15% in my Paypal account.  I plan to be using that on myself

The Warner Brothers Store Online - I used to be a big fan of this store in the malls, but sadly it closed down.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t find awesome Batman themed gifts for hubby or Tweety-Bird PJ’s for myself, though.  There are some big Looney-Toon fans on my list so this is a must do store.  I do have to say, though, that a Dark Knight Bobble-Head doll just seems wrong, LOL.

Don’t Forget Yourself

What ever you decide to do for shopping this year, don’t forget to be good to yourself.  No matter how much mommy guilt you may be carrying around, my guess is that you are doing your best and I know how hard that is.  Get yourself something nice or even better, get someone to watch the kids to let you go holiday shopping, then sneek off to a movie by yourself!

If you are struggling with unresolved issues from your own childhood, I strongly suggest you deal with them ASAP so that you can become the best mommy  you can be.  To help you on that road, I have created the following podcast.  To listen you can either left click on the link to listen online or right click and save link as an mp3 on your computer.

Your Parents Didn’t Mean to Screw You Up

The stories put a modern day twist on vampire lore, with vampires now being a protected minority in the United States. That means that they get to socialize with humans now instead of eating them, well sort of.  It leads to all kinds of unusual situations that make for great reading. Sookie and her friends live in northern Louisiana, so you get a good dose of down home southern charm as well as creepiness.  Each book is its own self-contained mystery with returning characters.  The author, Charlaine Harris, does a good job of catching you up on who is who and what is what, so if you didn’t start with the first book you would still be able to follow the story.  I read through all eight books in a couple of weeks, and I am now devastated because I have to wait until May of 2009 for the next book in the series!!!

If you haven’t sunk you teeth into these somewhat trashy, yet totally engrossing books yet, why not treat yourself to the box set?  Or you could just add it to your wish list as hint to someone who loves you very much!

I think the guilt stems from our feelings of inadequacy.  No matter how many books we read before becoming a parent we just knew we aren’t going to be fully prepared.  Then once we bring junior home we knew for damn sure we weren’t prepared!  We just try to do our best and often fear that we are falling short.

I am trying to let go of my guilt so I can just be plain old happy Melissa.  I know that my own parents didn’t mean to screw me up, so I’m pretty sure any screwing up I’m doing to Gracie right now will be forgiven when she grows up.  I hope she’ll know I did my best, and didn’t mean to put her into therapy, LOL.

My Top Ten Causes of Mommy Guilt:

1. Being a size 16 (on my way to 14)  is going to damage my daughter’s body image.  She already told me once that I should take Xenedrine EFX so I could have a better life!  Swear to God!  Damn commercials!!!!
2. Because I work outside the home I am not the one to take her to school and pick her up.  I am the third person to hear about her day and it breaks my heart.  She gets so excited when I do get to drop her off or pick her up.  I feel like I am letting her down.
3. When I do have time to be with her I am sometimes grumpy because my back is killing me or because I had a long day.  I feel like those 2.5 hours we get together each night should be so wonderful and many times they are mediocre at best.  God, is it only 2.5 hours?  Crap…now I feel more guilty about this one!
4. I am the worse housekeeper ever.  At times I’m totally cool with this, but I wonder if I’m somehow teaching her to be irresponsible.  We don’t make beds or do daily chores.  I’d much rather read with her or just hang out together.
5. My husband does all of the cooking.  Even the baking.  I feel like I’m not being a “real” mommy.
6. I spoil her with toys. I just love picking her up something cute or fun when we go out.  It doesn’t seem like she’s becoming materialistic, but I wonder what I’m setting her up for in life.
7. I don’t make her floss.  I know, I suck.
8. I don’t take her to church.  It’s just that I’m not a church goer and never have been.  My beliefs are kind of multi-denominational.  I know I need to start her in some kind of tradition so she can at least have a foundation, and then when she grows up she can choose her own path.  Still,  I’m constantly changing my mind about what tradition to raise her in. Do we stay Catholic, go Episcopal, try the local Unitarian church?  I really need to get off the pot on this one!
9. She doesn’t get to play outside as much as I would like.  Since I’m not home when she gets out of school, she doesn’t go out to play.  I wish I could be there to take her to the park or take her out for bike rides after school.
10. My daughter is insanely perceptive and she always senses my moods.  Her response when I am feeling sad or mad is always “I love you, Mommy”, and I wonder if that means she thinks when I’m sad or mad that it is about her.

Okay, my rule about listing bad things is that you always have to counter them with good things to make yourself feel better.   So…

My Top Ten Reasons That I am an Awesome Mommy!!!

1. I don’t make Gracie do chores. Time enough in her future for chores, housework and other shoulds.  Right now I cultivate her creativity and bond with her over books and crafts.  We talk and play games and she’s having a great childhood.
2. She eats a better diet than any other kid I know! Truly.  She is healthy as a horse and full of energy.
3. She can read better than many second and third graders I know and she’s only five.
4. She is loving and affectionate and truly compassionate.  She tries to help others whenever possible and loves to share.
5. Gracie is watching me pursue my dreams while doing what I need to do to help support our family. She is learning that nothing should ever stop you from reaching for the stars and that it is never too late to live your dreams.
6. My relationship with my wonderful husband is an awesome thing for her to witness.  She is growing up with a great example of what a healthy and happy marriage can be.
7. We include Gracie is everything we do. We talk to her and take her on adventures with us.  She is getting a great education just from hanging around with us.
8. Gracie’s TV viewing has always been supervised.  As a result she loves educational shows and the Discovery Channel is her fave.  Her favorite show is How It’s Made!
9. Every day ends and begins with the words “I love you”.
10. Someday when I am gone Gracie will have all of my scrapbooks, journals and blogs to remind her how much she meant to me.

Yup, we all have Mommy Guilt and we always will, but we need to balance that guilt with a realistic look at all of the good things we are doing for our kids.  Remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have and be good to yourself.

Remember to be thankful for your kids this holiday season and give them lots and lots  of extra hugs.  In the end it is the love of our parents that we all remember.

My husband and  I have active in fundraising for our local foodbank for years, but in honor of Brenden I want to do even more this year.  One idea I have come up with is for my staff and I to take the money we would have spent on meaningless gifts for each other, and donate it to the Community Foodbank of New Jersey.  I am going to make the same request of a group of friends that I usually do a grab bag with.

I know times are tight, but I’m sure we can all come up with some way to honor this amazing child’s last wish.  After you watch these two videos, I know you will think of something.  I also know you will hug your kids extra tight tonight.  I know I will.

Here’s some links to help you get started:

• Feeding America
• Red Cross

So I guess I could have just said “no” and entered into an argument or I could have told her the truth and hurt her very badly.  Instead I lied.  I explained that it was an adults-only game because it was on a school night.  That was that. I told her that when we went on a non-school night she could come.  Tonight is Friday, and we are taking her to the game.  So, I didn’t lie about that.  The upshot is that there was no drama, no stress and no broken hearted five year old.  I only felt guilty for the briefest of moments.

Do you lie to your children?  Is it okay to lie to them at all?

I can recall a conversation on a forum last year about Santa that surprised me. There were so many mommies who had decided not to tell their kids about Santa because they felt it was lying. Their argument was that they were teaching their children it was unacceptable to lie. If they perpetuated the Santa myth, when their children got older and realized that Santa was not real, they would know that their parents lied to them.  Somehow this didn’t seem right to me.  I didn’t recall any massive horror upon discovering that Santa wasn’t real, and I never saw it as being lied to.  I’ve been doing the Santa thing for Gracie each year.  Am I setting her up for a lifetime of trust issues?

Sensing some unecessary mommy guilt on the horizon, I decided to ask a professional for help.  I turned to noted NJ/NY psychiatrist Dr. Jason Cohen for advice.  Luckily, Dr. Cohen assured me that Santa is a story, or legend meant to inspire positivity and hope around the holidays; it is not a lie.  “Children do not have a sudden ephipany or realization regarding Santa Claus”, Dr. Cohen continued. “They begin to sense the exaggeration, and when they finally figure it out they become proud, and view it as a sign of growing up. It is part of the natural process of maturation, and they do not perceive the story as being deceptive.”  Whew, I was feeling much better.

Then Dr. Cohen went on to give me a brief and necessary reminder about parenting, “Parenting is about guiding by example. Everyone thinks it is about what you say, but it is really about what you do.  Discussing how you plan to cheat on your taxes in front of your child is teaching them to lie, while going back to a store to return money, when you have been given too much change, is teaching them honesty.”

So if you were having mommy guilt about teaching your kids about Santa, or you were having mommy guilt about choosing NOT to teach them about Santa, be assured that either way it doesn’t matter.  It seems that our kids won’ be scarred for life either way.  So stop worrying about it and go give them some extra hugs, while they will still let you!