Love Smart, Fight Smart

My "Truth In Relationships" Campaign

2012-01-09T16:49:00.000-05:00

I am not going to lobby Congress.

I am not going to demand an amendment to the Constitution.

But, I am starting a campaign here and now for the "Truth in Relationships", whereby every relationship "expert" must pledge to include this public service warning:

"EVERY COUPLE WILL HAVE DUMB FIGHTS!"

I am deadly serious about this.

I've had it with people who say that the way to a happy relationship is to eliminate the conflict.

I've had it with TV ads for certain online dating services that show a deliriously happy couple scientifically matched to make sure they are so-o-o compatible that they will always have that happy smile pasted across their faces (when those faces aren't obscured by a passionate lip-lock).

Here's the true chemistry of a relationship. One partner is oil. The other partner is water. You can put them together but they will never completely mix.

Conflict is normal in a loving relationship. Conflict is necessary in a loving relationship. Conflict is an opportunity to deepen your understanding of one another and work more effectively as a "WE."

Conflict is unavoidable, but Dumb Fights are optional!

Some couples try to avoid conflict, to the detriment of their long-term happiness. Avoiding conflict will eventually lead to emotional alienation because partners will turn away from one another in distress. "Growing Apart" is the primary problem cited by over 60% of divorcing couples in the United States. in other words, avoiding conflict is not always smart.

Emotional accessibility and responsiveness is SMART. Volatile feelings and hyper reactivity, without an ounce of self awareness or skill, is DUMB. You do not have to spin around, lost in the same arguments, for years.

First, you need to know that every relationship will go through four predictable stages. Couples get lost, then couples get stuck. A relationship "road map" will help you get back on track.

When you Fight Smart, you can regulate your upset, reveal your vulnerable feelings, re-synch when you lose track of each other, make repairs for past disappointments.

The next few blogs will give you some tools to listen more deeply, respond too your partner more gently, and maybe even add a dash of humor to your conversations.

I guarantee that you can learn to:

Avoid the repetitive Me verses You fights
Reduce the anger, the tension, and negativity
Stop the blaming and controlling
Communicate more honestly and openly
Resolve differences more quickly
Deepen your listening and understanding
Strengthen your bond as a WE
Increase flexibility and negotiation
Forgive old hurts
Make room for both partners to be RIGHT

I'm Dreaming of a "Fight" Christmas

2011-12-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

You can’t go anywhere or doing anything right now without being reminded that it is the holiday season. As annoying as the holiday overkill can be, sometimes, it’s hard not to feel some warm and fuzzy feelings. ‘Tis the season.

The problem is those warm and fuzzies about family and loved ones are relentlessly connected to spending money. And, that kind of advertising blitz works.

You really want your kids to have everything they want for Christmas or Hanukah. You want to see their eyes light up with glee. Ditto for your mate and family. You want them to feel like this was the best holiday ever. You want them to know how much you love them.

You’ve probably done a million and one other things through out the year to show how much you love your family. But, the culture has become hard-wired to believe that holiday gift giving seals the deal.

But, I’m not here to talk about that particular distortion. I’m here to talk about about the potentially dangerous aftermath of holiday over-spending.

Many studies have found that finances are the number one reason for divorce in the United States. Finances are also one of the main reasons couples fight.

In tough economic times, there may need to be some belt-tightening when it comes to holiday spending. But, our emotions may drive us to want to throw caution to the wind – even though we know we will pay for the smiling faces of our gift recipients with tons of stress later on.

With couples, that stress may come in many forms. There’s recrimination: “How could you put us in this situation when you knew how tight money is?” There’s shame: “No wonder we are in horrible financial shape. You just can’t control yourself.” There’s denigration: “If you just worked harder and did more, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” And, there’s the ever-popular sticking your head in the sand: "I charged everything on the card and I just won’t tell anyone. Then I’ll ignore the bills for while when they start rolling in. I’ll just hope it all works out.”

Realize right now that a lot of this is not just about dollars and cents. Couples really struggle with money issues because they have differences in values, goals, and life dreams. Money issues produce conflict when couples don’t have effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Fights about money often becomes the topic of a “fake fight,” a fight that’s really about our need to be valued, understood and share influece in decisions.

With that in mind – and even though the Black Friday and Cyber Monday shopping sprees are already past – the holidays can still be a chance to learn that difference in marriage are natural and conflict over finances is normal. The important thing is to work through these differences without losing your emotional connection. Try following these steps:

1. Talk about what money means to each of you – love, status, freedom, power.
2. Write a holiday financial mission statement.
3. Keep the focus away from “me against you.” Instead, think “us” against the situation. Nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong, there are just differences.
4. Communicate to reveal your emotions, not to criticize or blame. Remember that primary feelings are your vulnerable feelings. Secondary feelings are your angry feelings. Concentrate on the former.
5. Try and listen to your partner’s viewpoint with curiosity instead of judgement. Learn that your differences can add to your relationship’s effectiveness in finances.

Listen, there are a lot of differences between you and your partner that are never going to go away. The goal is to manage them. When talking about holiday spending, ask yourselves, “What’s best for the “we” instead of the “me?”

Why You Should Try

2011-11-22T08:32:00.002-05:00

We live in a disposable society.

Plates, silverware, cups, glasses, napkins, contact lenses, razors – buy ‘em, use ‘em, toss them away.

I’m sure you could add to the list of items that have so little intinsic value that we are comfortable just tossing them away when they have served their purpose.

Do relationships fit into that category? When you look around it sure feels that way, sometimes.

Some people try on and toss off relationships left and right. With a divorce rate hovering at 50 per cent since the 60’s, it’s hard to argue that some of us have put relationships into that disposable category.

I am here to say… stop. Relationships do not qualify as something so utilitarian that they can be tossed aside when we think they are no longer useful.

I’m not saying that some relationships just are not meant to work and that divorce is the wrong choice one hundred per cent of the time. I am for happiness and romance and bliss… and the mystical chemistry of a relationship can make that difficult to find.

What I am saying is that you can’t be so hasty in deciding that your relationship has run its course.

Here’s why. Most people want to give up on a relationship and start over again at the first sign of differences… at the first hint of discord… at the first whiff of conflict.

But that’s just when the party is getting started.

When the differences start coming up – and they have to – you and your partner are leaving the first stage of your relationship and progressing into the second stage.

It’s good news. You are starting to differentiate. You are beginning to actually learn who this person you’ve committed to really is. And, vice-versa.

Sure conflict isn’t pleasant, but learning about this completely different person you are with can be exciting.

And, REALLY learning about each other is ESSENTIAL to the growth of your relationship.

So, before you decide to bail on another relationship, change your perspective and see what the conflict can teach you about your partner… and about yourself.

If you break through this stage you may just find the relationship you have always dreamed of waiting for you on the other side.

In my work I have seen countless couples who walk in the door ready to give up. With this new perspective, many walk out ready, willing and able to try and save the relationship.

And, sometimes, that is all it takes.

Godzilla Versus The Zombie: A Scary Relationship Story

2011-10-31T08:40:00.000-04:00

We don't have relationship problems because our love is too weak. No, we have relationship problems because out fear is so strong!

Once we we fall in love, we have an emotional bond. And with that comes the FEAR.

"Can I depend on you? Will you be there for me? Can I make you happy? Or, will you leave me?

And that leads to some communication problems that are real monsters!

The basic communication problem for couples is the lack of awareness and the lack of skill to express needs for comfort and reassurance.

Many couples don't feel and then reveal their vulnerability. They more likely will suppress their feelings and start blaming their partners.

Sound familiar. You feel insecure and instead of talking about what you are really feeling you start picking at your partner. You don't talk about your insecurity, you talk about what they're doing wrong. This is how two anxious partners will end up in a "fake fight" and the monster in them comes out.

It's Godzilla vs. The Zombie!

Godzilla is the Protestor

P ushy
I ntense
S colding
S trident
E mphatic
D emanding

The Zombie is the Withholder

P assive
I ndifferent , numb
S neaky
S ullen
E vasive
D etached

Protesting, "Godzilla types" can breath fire when they want a reaction from their partner. But Zombie types" can deaden themselves emotionally to withstand the threatening heat. Godzilla verses the Zombie - they could fight for years and years and no one wins. It's a dead heat!

To subdue these relationship monsters, couples must learn to communicate what they are really feeling and make conflict work for them. Conflict does not mean your bond is failing.

On the contrary, conflict is a signal that the bond wants to "plant" deeper "roots."

Are Compatibility Tests Smart?

2011-10-24T15:21:00.001-04:00

Compatibility tests are hot these days. Now, more than ever before, singles are taking control of their love lives. Sure there are still random hook-ups... but when people want to get serious about a relationship, out go sexual chemistry and pheromones and in come 'scientific' compatibility tests.

Over 40 million individuals logged on to sites like E-Harmony and Match.com to select potential mates with rational and careful precision.

These various online dating sites match like with like, and eschew the old fashioned notion that “opposites attract.”

Which leads me to the question, “What is compatibility really about?” What are the qualities that enhance compatibility? What does a “smart” compatibility test have to measure? Is compatibility all about finding someone like you? Is it that easy?

Some studies have shown that choosing a partner with common values, common lifestyle expectations, and common cultural background is smart. These like-minded pairings have less conflict and make better 'side-by-side' partners.

On the other hand, picking someone like you, personality-wise, can be BORING. The biggest threat to marriages these days in not high conflict. The leading cause of divorce these days is “growing apart,” the loss of passion.

It is not our sameness, but our uniqueness, that is the “juice” of relationships. Playing it safe and excluding passion and depth from the compatibility equation is really not smart.

Clearly compatibility needs to balance otherness and sameness in order for a relationship to last. But, I think the key word here is balance.

Compatibility tests need to be less person-based and more connection-based.

The next time you are evaluating the potential for your relationship, ask yourself:

Can we regulate our frustrations and address our differences calmly and effectively?
Can we reveal ourselves deeply and openly to one another?
Can we rely on one another for comfort and reassurance?
Can we listen to one another with an open mind and an open heart?
Do we both apologize and make amends when we screw up?

Compatibility is less about finding the right partner, and more about having the right kind of relationship.

Guru For Two Counseling Video

2011-10-22T11:43:00.002-04:00

Facebook Is Not The Cause of Infidelity

2011-10-21T09:26:00.001-04:00

The New Cheating: Cyber Infidelity

A lot of people are becoming more than just Facebook "Friends."

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of divorce lawyers report seeing an increase in cyber infidelity in their cases over the last five years. And, Facebook was named the “unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence." Two-thirds of attorneys cite Facebook as a primary source of evidence.

Does Facebook Cause Infidelity?

You can blame Facebook for a lot of things... Farmville comes to mind. But, you cannot blame Facebook for this outbreak of cyber infidelity. It's just a new place for expressing the primary cause of infidelity anytime and anywhere -- and that's emotional disconnection with a partner.

Partners need to feel close and appreciated in order to feel good about their connection. I suspect that many turn to Facebook for comfort when they are feeling devalued or deserted by their partner.

For some reason, partners don't feel comfortable -- or even entitled -- to ask directly for closeness or comfort.

Instead of turning to their partner and reaching out for reassurance, people turn to others for validation and connection.

Why People Cyber-Cheat

It's really easy for people to tell themselves that these "virtual" affairs aren't going to hurt anybody. For some reason they think their spouse will never find out -- on a social media site used by billions of people!

And, besides, it's not really "cheating." They're just "re-connecting" with an old flame or chatting up a friend of a friend.

But, online flirtations can trigger a really strong emotional and physical reaction. The instantaneous feedback and immediate gratification can become irresistible. It keeps drawing you back. The slope can get very slippery, very quickly.

And, this emotional infidelity can do just as much damage to a relationship as physical infidelity. Sometimes, a spouse can more easily forgive cheating if they believe it was "just sex." But, if they believe their partner has feelings for another, it's much harder to get over.

You can argue all you want, but cyber cheating is cheating and it will do damage... the quicker you face the deed and the injury, the better the chance of recovery.

A relationship CAN heal from cyber-infidelity. And counseling plays a key role.

I think many people believe, wrongly, that infidelity means this is a bad marriage. Not necessarily. 34% of women and 56% of men having affairs report being happy in their marriage.

Research also indicates that receiving counseling after the discovery of an affair is the single greatest predictor of recovery. Couples can let go of the past and use the situation as a catalyst to deepen their attachment.

In order for a relationship to recover, there has to be forgiveness. That's not about accepting what happened, it's about making sense of what happened -- in your head and in your heart. That requires couples to really look at the frustrations, longings and fears that contributed to the infidelity.

Counseling can help both people talk more openly about their feelings without blame and defensiveness. Both partners may need to learn how to listen more responsively and less reactively to one another.

And, in counseling, a couple learns more effective repair skills. Making up can be hard to do, but it's essential to stopping a lot of the unconscious resentment that causes a partner to "friend" someone else for comfort.

SMART MOVES FOR DUMB FIGHTS

2011-10-20T16:36:00.000-04:00

Many couples have generally good relationships but get bogged down repeatedly, with “dumb fights.” Usually the conflict is over silly things like rinsing out coffee cups and closing kitchen cabinets. Sometimes these fights can get ugly and hurtful things are said. Many couples stop talking for days.

Why do these dumb fights get so out of control? How do we stop them?

In order to understand these dumb fights, you need to understand your "emotional mind." These seemingly insignificant situations resonate on a deeper level, triggering insecurities like "Does he/she really love me" or "I'm not good enough."

For example, the "coffee cup" issue could really trigger a feeling of being "DESERTED," a feeling of being alone and overwhelmed with household responsibilities. Or this coffee cup scenario could conjure up feelings of being DOMINATED (controlled) by one another. Or maybe one or both of you are feeling DEVALUED, a feeling of being ignored or unappreciated.

The solution to these "dumb" fights is to learn how to be wiser, more emotionally smart with your own feelings and the feelings of your partner. Emotional smarts is about awareness and about management.

Next time you are in conflict, slow down, turn inside and see if you can recognize you vulnerable feelings (hurt, sadness, anxiety). Once you are conscious of these deeper feelings, ask yourself, "Who is in charge - my "emotional mind" or my "wise mind?" Your wise mind knows how to balance reason with emotion. Your wise mind knows that your conflict is not just about the lousy dishes!

I have put together a list of my top ten favorite tips to stop “dumb fights.” Hope this helps!

1. Choose the words that will pull your partner closer, not push your partner further away.

2. Your relationship can be big enough for both of you to be right!

3. You can't change your partner, but you CAN change your response to your partner.

4. When in conflict, slow down.....breath...ask yourself how your feel vulnerable or scared?

5. Listen to your partner with curiosity, NOT judgment.

6. Anger is always a cover for vulnerability.

7. Most communication is beyond words... your body language is 55%, verbal is 7%, tone is 38%.

8. Remember, conflict usually stems from a lack of understanding, NOT a lack of caring.

9. There are only two ways to communicate - you are either talking to reveal or talking to control.

10. Happy couples fight just as much as unhappy couples. Happy couples have superior REPAIR skills.

Zombie Marriages

2011-10-20T09:13:00.002-04:00

Having the ‘perfect’ family could be the death of your relationship.

Statistics show many couples are now arranging their partnership to be a side-by-side, “child-centered” relationship, leaving little time for an “adult-centered,” face-to-face connection.

And these couples are reporting that this low conflict, low passion set-up is resulting in a “semi-happy marriage.”

The loss of passion is the leading cause of divorce. A relationship without passion will eventually become a "zombie relationship" - it looks alive on the outside but on the inside it can be quite dead.

Experts say that allocating just 10 minutes a day to your “fact-to-face” connection can keep marriages strong and ward off the biggest threat to a relationship’s immunity system – BOREDOM.

Every day try to do 10 minutes of the following:

P – play, joke, laugh together

A – appreciate each other in generous doses

S – surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures

S – share parts of your day and your inner world

I – intimacy – emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy work together

O- oxytocin, the attachment hormone, gets activated by cuddling and tender touch

N – nourish your partner’s heart, soul, and mind.

The "Mad At You" Mantra

2011-09-09T08:56:00.001-04:00

"I am really MAD AT YOU!"

All couples fight. It is how you fight that determines whether you will ellicit a collaborative response from your partner...or an adversarial one.

Psychologist John Gottman calls "I'm mad at you" a harsh startup - a sure fire guarantee that your partner will meet your complaints with counter blaming or defensiveness. Frustrating blame/defensive cycles can go round and round and go nowhere, wasting tons of energy.

So I came up with a 3 word "Mad At You" Mantra. The next time you find yourself submerged in upset, repeat this three word phrase to yourself, several times - Mad, Sad, Scared. Faster... Mad, Sad, Scared. Mad, Sad, Scared. Say it all like one word, let each word glide into the next...MadSadScared.

This quick-to-remember mantra will help you:

calm yourself down
resist the urge to be overreactive
help your thinking mind catch up with your emotional mind
reach deeper for your primary feelings underneath your frustration.

Anger is always a secondary feeling, a reaction to a more vulnerable feeling. The "Mad At You" Mantra will enable you to reveal more of what you long for with your parnter...and what scares you.

"I get so mad when I see/hear/sense you ____________________________."

"I get sad because I feel __________________ (hurt, disconnected, neglected, unimportant)."

"On a deeper level, I get scared because I feel ________________ (alone, overwhelmed, inadequate)."

Everyone is continually having some sort of upset feelings - pangs of anxiety, disappointments, twinges of abandonment, waves of insecurity.

With your "Mad At You" Mantra you can use your upset to reach out to your partner rather than as an occasion for fighting or withdrawal.

Learn To Say "I'm Sorry"

2011-09-08T16:59:00.001-04:00

Ah...the bliss of new love. Passionate kisses, romance, harmony. The feeling that you have found that special someone who will make your life complete.

Too bad the bliss only lasts about 6 months.

Falling in love is easy, maintaining your love...a little bit more tricky.

According to research on marital success, all couples fight. However, successful couples have better repair skills. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control.

Here are the six most important repair moves that you should learn:

Learn to say "I'm sorry" in response to your partner's pain is crucial to long term happiness.

Reveal softer feelings underneath your anger such as fear, embarrassment, or insecurity. Anger pushes your partner further away but softer, more vulnerable feelings pull your partner closer.

Validate your partner’s point of view - acknowledging that your partner's view "makes sense" can decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at least listening to them.

Take responsibility for some of the conflict. Try not to make a lot of excuses. Inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.

Focus on your common ground - instead of getting into a "Me verses You" battle, use words like "we" and "us." Connection through your differences is the way your relationship will deepen.
Tell your partner what you are willing to do differently in the future. Words have to be backed up with actions. Change is in the "doing."

Conflict avoidance is the number one cause of divorce. Conflict is natural but disconnection is optional when you have these REPAIR skills down.

Washington Needs Relationship Counseling

2011-08-07T08:36:00.000-04:00

Watching the debate over raising the debt ceiling and seeing the consequences – the lowered credit rating for the United States – the thought struck me that was Congress and the White House really need is relationship counseling.

This gridlock we’ve just witnessed is exactly like the case of a couple in distress because of an inability to use conflict to advance – instead of cripple – the relationship.

Conflict isn’t about winning or losing. Conflict exists to reveal the true emotional needs of each party in a relationship. When you know what each party is really concerned about and really needs, then you can come up with a plan that will satisfy and even empower both.

So how could the President and Congress have handled the most recent debate more productively?

Well, they could have done a lot more listening and a lot less talking. I see this all the time in counseling couples. They’re trapped in a blame game. They never talk about what they really need. They are too busy blaming the other person for what they don’t have. Distressed relationships don’t begin to heal when each party gets their way. They start to heal when each party feels they are being heard!

What people don’t understand is the power of conflict. Using conflict to reveal and understand – whether you are a couple or a government – can actually make you more powerful than you would be on your own. Instead, people get stuck in fake fights – the whole blame game – and either live lives of quiet desperation or break up. It’s such a waste.”

Relationship is one of the most powerful forces on the planet and conflict is an essential part of relationship growth. Everybody – couples, business people and, yes, even the government desperately needs to learn this.

Dumb Fights

2011-02-04T11:14:00.008-05:00

Dear Guru for Two,

My husband and I have a very good relationship but we keep getting into the same dumb fights. Usually the conflict is over silly things like rinsing out coffee cups and closing kitchen cabinets.

Sometimes these fights can get ugly and mean things are said. Sometimes we stop talking for days. I hate this. The other night we got so upset with each other it was really awful.

We love each other, why do these dumb fights get so out of control?

Nicole C.

Dear Nicole,

In order to understand these dumb fights, you need to understand your "emotional mind." These seemingly insignificant situations resonate on a deeper level, triggering insecurities like "Does he/she really love me" or "I'm not good enough."

For example, the "coffee cup" issue could really trigger a feeling of being "DESERTED," a feeling of being alone and overwhelmed with household responsibilities. Or this coffee cup scenario could conjure up feelings of being DOMINATED (controled) by one another. Or maybe one or both of you are feeling DEVALUED, a feeling of being ignored or unappreciated.

The solution to these "dumb" fights is to learn how to be wiser, more emotionally smart with your own feelings and the feelings of your partner. Emotional smarts is about awareness and about managment.

Next time you are in conflict, slow down, turn inside and see if you can recognize you vulnerable feelings (hurt, sadness, anxiety). Once you are conscious of these deeper feelings, ask yourself, "Who is in charge - my "emotional mind" or my "wise mind?" Your wise mind knows how to balance reason with emotion. Your wise mind knows that your conflict is not just about the lousy dishes!

You can co-exist peacefully if you look for creative solutions that are best for the connection or as I call it, the "we." Remember, your relationship can be big enough for both of you to be right.

Hope this helps!

Guru for Two

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2011-02-01T08:19:00.001-05:00

Dear Guru,

Hello, I'm 27 and my girlfriend of 3 years dumped me about 3 weeks ago and I wandering if you could help me. I know your good with relationships and this is just really messed up and I just need help.

Mark

Dear Mark,

Break-ups can be frightening, sad, and traumatic. However, an ending can also become a BEGINNING. You can take the painful situation of a break-up and turn it into an opportunity to learn from your experience and steer your life towards POSITIVE CHANGE!

I think there are two categories of loss in a break-up situation. There is the loss of the person you were attached to emotionally. But there is also the loss involving your wounded pride and self esteem, particularly if you are not the "dumper" but the "dumpee."

Making peace with a loss takes time. It helps to have theraputic support through the various stages rather trying to do it all by yourself. For example, there are cognitive strategies you can learn so that you can stop obsessing and clear your mind. There are various techniques for soothing and managing unpleasant emotions.

In therapy, you would be encouraged to ask important questions - "What did this experience teach me about myself" What is working and not working in my life? What am I holding onto that I want to let go of? What am I avoiding?

Finally, in counseling you can learn many creative strategies to take care of your self and get your life back on track.

In sum, counseling can help you rediscover hope and find the opportunity in the change.

Hope this helps,

Guru For Two

Pre-Marital Coaching

2011-01-31T06:32:00.001-05:00

You've probably seen a TV or newspaper ad in the past month for a big bridal show in the area. Since June is the biggest month for weddings, now is the time for wedding planning and everybody from cake decorators to flower arrangers show up at these bridal shows to hawk their wares.

Hey, it's a big business. The last time I saw a number I think the average wedding in this country costs around 25,000 dollars. And there are plenty that cost a lot more.

I get it. I had a pretty cool wedding myself. A little unconventional since we got married in our home but there were still flowers and a caterer and a harpist and -- well -- I'm a little exhausted just thinking about pulling it all together.

But, as someone who is constantly dealing with married couples in crisis, I always get a little twinge of irony when I see bridal show ads and think of all the planning that goes into a wedding... and how little planning goes into most marriages!

Don't get more wrong. I'm in love with romance. Love does, indeed, make the world go 'round. But there are some basic things couples can do to make plans for their married life... and most don't.

I am a huge fan of pre-marital coaching. I offer it at the Guru For Two Counseling Center and if you're about to take that big step of comittment -- or know somebody who is -- I highly recommend it.

The program we use involves online testing of both partners and a detailed report of potential strengths and weaknesses. I love the detail that comes in these reports and couples really respond well to seeing their strengths -- and their weaknesses -- and getting some bottom line information about how to deal with both once the wedding is over.

This sort of pre-marital counseling doesn't just provide a wealth of information to couples about to get married, it also gives them an opportunity to peek past the flower arrangements and lavish receptions to what life might be like when the dishes have to be done, the kid has the flu and the checking account is almost empty.

By knowing where their weak spots are, and where their strengths lie, couples can talk NOW about how they'll handle real life problems in the future. They are able to really visualize partnership and get a glimpse at how communication as a couple REALLY works. They can come to a basic understanding of how to listen to their partner for understanding -- not control.

As unromantic as this may sound, couples who do pre-marital coaching more often then not walk out hand-in-hand more certain of their love for each other and their abilities to deal with the inevitable conflicts that await them once the wedding dress is packed away and the rental tux has been returned.

It all takes, probably, two hours when you include taking the online test and a 90 minute session with the pre-marital coach. I know schedules are hectic when planning a wedding, but doesn't two hours of time spent thinking about the actual marriage seem like nothing if it means a smoother life together?

Commitment Phobic Boyfriend

2011-01-29T07:51:00.004-05:00

Dear Guru,

I am looking for a therapist for my boyfriend and/or myself. We've been together for the better part of 6 years and he suffers from what I believe- based mostly on the book "He's Scared She's Scared" and our history together- to have fairly severe commitmentphobia.

I am hoping to find a counselor who is familar with the patterns of a commitmentphobic and possibly specializes in helping couples develop in spite of it. We went to a relationship counselor a couple of years back and she did not seem to understand Jon's issues. He felt "ganged up on" and like it was unproductive so we stopped going. All was really great between then and now but recently the cycle has begun again and I am looking for some help.

Would you happen to have any suggestions?

I appreciate any help you can provide!

Kari

Dear Kari,

As a therapist, I fully appreciate just how common commitment phobia is.

Your boyfriend may have a history where early attachment figures were either intrusive or neglectful. He probably has trouble trusting and depending on others although the truth might be that he is quite needy. He may only know how to manage vulnerable feelings with distancing and avoidant behavi

A relationship with someone who is commitment phobic can be quite challenging. For example, the person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself. Criticism like this is an unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner.

In a relationship with a commitment phobic person you will see a push/pull dynamic. This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured. Their response is often to push their partner away…. they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings. However, once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’. They start to realize that they did love their partner after all. This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them.

Commitment phobic individuals and their partners can benefit a great deal from therapy. A therapist can help both partners deepen their awareness of their emotions and learn to talk about their feelings from "the insidie out" - revealing instead of controling. Therapy can help both partners learn how to slow down their reactions when under stress and learn how to process feelings and problem solve more effectively. Ultimately, the goal of counseling would be to make the relationship "safe" for both people.

Hope this helps Kari. Let me know if I can help you further.

Guru For Two

Make-up or Break-up?

2011-01-28T09:16:00.003-05:00

Dear Guru For Two,

Hello, my name is Sarah. I'm 21 years old and my ex-boyfriend is 24. We are having a really difficult time in our relationship right now. Well as of now we don't have a relationship when our lease is up in May we have decided to go our separate ways. We have minor issues to others but they are major issues to us. We have a 2 year old daughter. I feel as if this is not our end this is our beginning he feels enough is enough. I was contacting you to see if you think counselng could help us?

Dear Sarah,
The two of you are at a crucial place in your relationship. The bliss of Stage 1 romance has worn off and now the two of you are into Stage 2 issues. The crucial decision for a couple in Stage 2 is, "Do we use our conflict as an opportunity to understand ourselves and one another more deeply and grow together as a couple ? Or do we allow our emotions - our disappointment and frustration to overtake our decision, and we give up? I hope the two of you can choose wisely, you have a lot at stake here.

I do believe that your relationship can benefit from counseling. Counseling can help partners stop the "blame game" and learn how to be more emotionally "intelligent" - about themselves and about one another. Counseling can help you learn new skills to express your deepest needs and learn to listen to your partner with curiousity and warmth, not judgement.

If your partner is not willing to commit to counseling right now, you can still influence the relationship by getting some help for yourself - you can learn how to understand your own needs and feelings more deeply. Anger is never a PRIMARY emotion, anger is always a cover for an underlying, more vulnerable feeling. You can also learn new communication and negotiation skills.

Let me know if I can help you further.

The Guru for Two

TWO TYPES OF CONFLICT

2010-03-07T10:26:00.016-05:00

I believe that the right kind of conflict between partners is normal, necessary, and an opportunity for the relationship to deepen and grow.

However, it is important to beware that there are two different type of conflict: conflict that serves the "WE" and conflict that serves the "ME."

The destructive kind of conflict, conflict that serves the "ME" is about creating a story that makes yourself right and your partner wrong. The point of the conflict is "I feel insecure, I am going to make it your fault, attack you, so I can feel better about myself." This kind of conflict becomes a perpetual ME verses YOU tug of war.

Conflict that serves the "ME" is about self "protection" that uses distorted perceptions and misinterpretations that have more to do with our insecurities than our partner's reality. Conflict that serves the "me" is about anger and resentment - harsh feelings not soft feelings. Vulnerable feelings are avoided in a conflict that serves the "ME."

Conflict that serves the "ME" is about reactive behaviors pushing the other partner further away - a solution that realistically, only causes pain and emotional alienation.

In contrast, conflict that serves the "WE" is about deepening and expanding your emotional connection. Conflict that serves the "WE" is about making the relationship safer and more flexible for both people.

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about "We have a Problem Between Us" rather than "You are the problem."

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about seeing the problem as unconsciousness behavior in your partner rather than intentional or about character defects.

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about using your awareness to notice what is going on in your head and in your heart and not immediately judge, misinterpret, or overreact. Conflict that serves the "WE" is about seeing the situation over there and my reaction over here.

You can ask yourself the question, "Am I participating in this conflict to protect the ME or enhance the WE? Am I talking to reveal what I need or to control my partner? Am I listening with curiousity or with judgment? Am I using hard feelings or soft feelings? Am I responding in a way that aligns with my values, such as honesty, communication, understanding?

When you learn to put the "WE" first, you enter a new stage of relationship. Conflict may still exist but it will no longer feel be distancing or threatening.

Are you in a Mindful or Mindless Relationship?

2010-03-05T08:33:00.004-05:00

Let’s face it, most of us have mindless relationships.

Its not that we don’t start out with good intentions. We all want love, happiness, harmony.

However, when conflict rears its "ugly" head, and it always does, our anxiety escalates and we react in old habitual ways. Our fight or flight responses are ineffective and perpetuate the very problems we are trying to solve.

The mindful relationship techniques will give you the tools to respond rather than unconsciously react to stress. Relationship mindfulness helps you step back and observe what’s going on in your head and in between you and your partner so that you can choose words and actions that are effective and purposeful.

Do you have a mindful relationship? Answer these questions:

1) Have you and your partner ever discussed your relationship purpose? Do you see that the relationship is about more than satisfying individual needs?

2) At times of stress, do you pull your partner towards you or push him/her away?

3) Do you listen to your partner with curiousity or judgement?

4) Do you speak to reveal your own truth or to control/coerce your partner?

5) So you use harsh feelings or soft feelings to express your needs?

6) When in conflict are you able to hear the "reasonable requests" you both are making underneath the "fake fight?"

7) Do you and your partner know how to soothe one another?

8) Do you manage your own anxiety or does your anxiety manage you?

9) Can you stay emotionally connected, even when you disagree, by ACCEPTING, ATTUNING, and AFFIRMING?

10) Who do you put first, the me or the we?

LEVELS OF LOVE

2010-03-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

When you are upset with your partner, you are usually experiencing multiple levels of feelings. Sorting through these feelings and naming them is very important. Anger pushes your partner further but the softer feelings like hurt, fear, sadness, shame, and need PULL your partner closer.

Next time you express your feelings to your partner, tell them about all the levels of your feelings:

LEVEL 1: Anger
I hate it when
I attack
I want to withhold when…
I feel like getting back

LEVEL 2: Hurt
I feel attacked, judged
I feel neglected
I feel rejected
I feel discounted, dismissed

LEVEL 3: Fear
I am afraid that I have failed
I am afraid of your disapproval and judgment
I am afraid you stop loving me
I am afraid that I will lose you

LEVEL 4: Sadness
I feel sad, hopeless, grief, despair
I feel empty, numb
I feel like we lost our love

LEVEL5: SHAME
I feel unlovable, bad, and defective
I feel inadequate, helpless, and worthless

LEVEL6: I Want
Love, belonging, affection, security
To feel esteemed, valued, respected
To feel understood – both thoughts and feelings
To feel free to be me
I appreciate you when

LOVE TANKS

2010-02-23T07:16:00.006-05:00

Poor anxiety regulation is the root cause of marital distress.

Where does the anxiety come from? When couples bond, they begin to depend on each other for their security - their attachment needs. These attachment needs come in two categories: 1)the need for belonging and connection and; 2)the need for approval, esteem, and validation.

Relationships are feel safe when everyone agrees, but how often is that? When differences emerge between partners it can be very anxiety provoking. When you have come to depend on your partner for validation, conflict feels very threatening and very distancing. Anxiety spreads back and for between two attached people like a fever.

When some people feel threatened, they "fight" to restore connection. When other people feel threatened they "withdraw", because they believe their withdrawal will protect the relationship from unnecessary conflict. The problem with these strategies is that one person's response ESCALATES the other person's anxiety.

Couples need to learn how to respond to their partner in a way that is soothes their anxiety. In order to teach them how to do this I suggest that they imagine that their partner carries a love tank inside of them, a tank that stores their feelings of connection and security. When a partner gets anxious, it is a signal that their love tank is getting low.

It is very important that you become proficient at filling your partner"s love tank. Some partners, when they feel "deserted" by their partner, need to hear that they are loved and not alone. Other partners, when they are feeling dismissed or "devalued," need to hear that their ideas and feelings make sense and do matter. John Gottman, Phd, in his landmark research on relationship success, tells us that a large percent of our differences (over 50%) are UNSOLVEBLE differences. As long as we feel soothed and know our partner is accessible and responsive to our distress, we can tolerate the differences much more easily. We will still have the differences but the differences will not cause emotional alienation.

If anxiety spreads like a fever, then resentment and emotional alienation grows like a cancer between a couple, choking off all the healthy "cells." Too many couples waste precious time and energy in "fake fights" and emotional disconnection. Couples many times give up and break up because they don't understand the need to soothe anxiety or the real source that causes the anxiety. The true source of anxiety is our need for love and validation. These are the ingredients that fill our love tanks.

Remember, conflict is just normal but it does not have to feel threatening. Conflict is unavoidable but emotional disconnection is optional!

What's In Your Connection Repair Tool Kit?

2010-02-20T10:49:00.009-05:00

To make the inevitable conflict in relationships beneficial, you MUST know how to repair emotional disconnects.

And, just because conflict is normal, necessary and beneficial to a relationship, that doesn't mean there won't be emotional disconnects along the way.

Feeling free enough to express your true feelings can be based, in part, on the understanding that you and your partner know how to reconnect after emotionally stressful encounters.

So, start putting together an emotional connection repair kit.

Couples with good repair skills say things like...

We are good at taking breaks when we need them.

My partner usually accepts my apologies.

I can say that I am wrong.

I am pretty good at calming myself down.

We can maintain a sense of humor.

When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way it
usually makes a lot of sense.

My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually
effective.

We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things.

If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change the direction.

My spouse is good at soothing me when I get upset.

I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us.

When I comment on how we could communicate better my spouse listens to me.

Even if things get hard at times I know we can get past our differences.

We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing.

Teasing and humor usually work to get my spouse over negativity.

Reconnecting emotionally is a fundamental skill of connected couples. That's how they stay that way!

Attuning By Spooning

2010-02-17T17:37:00.004-05:00

This is a great exercise to use to re-attune when in conflict. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. The spooning creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level.

Spooning consists of one person’s front side hugging the other person’s back side. Couples can also spoon standing up if they’re in a place where they can’t lie down.

While you are spooning, breathe in unison with your mate. The bigger partner should follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale.

Hold each other and breather in unison like this for at least four minutes. No need to talk. If your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.

Although your mind may be racing and storming,
your bodies and souls can’t help but connect!

The Softer Side of Conflict

2010-02-17T16:56:00.006-05:00

Your anger is just a cover for your more vulnerable feelings. Learn how to show your vulnerable side.

You’ll be surprised how that can change things.

At the first sign of anger, try some of these statements with your partner. Remember, it’s all about sharing your softer side with your partner.

Tell me that you love me.

Honey I need your help.

Please help me calm down.

This is important to me. Please listen.

For SPECIFIC FEELINGS, try some of these techniques.

If You are HURT, tell your partner…

I feel unimportant when…

I feel misunderstood when…

I feel put down when…

If you feel DISCONNECTED, try using these soft statements with your partner…

I feel depressed when we are distant.

I don’t want to feel like I am all by myself.

I feel awful when…

Instead of getting angry with your partner ask for what you need…

I need you to be there for me.

I need you to accept me, not judge me.

I need to feel important.

I need you know you understand me.

I need you to support what’s good for me.

When the anger rises, try remembering that you love this person standing in front of you. Express that by saying…

I know this isn’t your fault.

This is not your problem, it’s our problem.

I Understand...

I forgive you...

I love you...

Always remember… your anger isn’t really how you feel. Taking a moment to consciously tap into your real feelings… and sharing those with your partner… is making a REAL connection.

Relationship Mission Statement

2010-02-17T16:55:00.009-05:00

Have you ever asked yourself the question, "What are we together FOR?"

What do you believe is the purpose of your relationship? Do you believe that your relationship is about more than satisfying individual needs?

Writing a mission statement for your relationship can be a very connecting thing to do with your partner.

I suggest that couples sit down with a pen and paper and brainstorm. "What are the relationship values that define "us?"

• Friendship?
• Closeness?
• Companionship?
• Passion
• Humor
• Trust
• Commitment
• Common Interests
• Communication
• Intimacy

On a deeper level, do we want our relationship to be about healing? Personal growth? Mutual Empowerment?

Do we believe that there is a spiritual purpose? Communion with god by seeing the godlike nature in yourself and your partner?

Once a purpose statement is written down, it can serve as a future reference point. When you are feeling divided and struggling you can pull this purpose statement out and assess if your actions are in accord with your relaitonship viion and your relationship purpose. Actions synonymous with core relationship values is the recipe to relationship success.