Gretchen Rubin

How to Overcome Creative Block Using Indirect Prompts

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 08 Oct 2026 19:30:43 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared October 30, 2023

Sometimes, when I’m working on a project, I hit a roadblock. Then, as I’m struggling to move forward, I hear an offhand comment, or I read some thought-provoking phrase, and with that kind of “indirect direction,” I get a sudden idea.

As one of my hooky projects while writing Life in Five Senses, I made a list of “indirect directions” to help me generate creative ideas. When I felt stuck, I reviewed my list. These directions often helped.

What is an indirect direction?

An indirect prompt is a short, open-ended phrase, such as “miniaturize it” or “add a ghost,” that you can apply to a problem you’re stuck on. They aren’t necessarily meant to be taken literally–rather, they nudge your thinking in a new direction.

The Muse Machine: A creative prompt deck for getting unstuck

As a digital document, my list of indirect directions felt insubstantial. I wanted to make it real.

I turned my messy DIY creativity-generator into a beautiful finished product. It’s such a thrill to hold the Muse Machine in my hands and pull out a card at random.

The Muse Machine is a deck of 150 cards with (somewhat mysterious) creative prompts to consult whenever you feel stuck. These indirect directions are short, suggestive, and open-ended, so that they ignite unexpected insights.

Generating creativity with an open-ended prompt

Here’s an example of how I’ve used this deck myself.

Back when I created my own messy, DIY version of this tool, I wanted to find a better name than “Indirect Directions,” but I couldn’t think of anything. So I pulled one of my cards and read, “Find a fresh metaphor.”

Some days later, during one of my daily visits to the Metropolitan Museum, the sight of the earthenware Inkstand with Apollo and the Muses gave me my metaphor.

The inkstand, made in Urbino in 1584, is a desk set built to hold a writer’s tools, with Apollo and the Muses perched on top. It’s a working object for writing, decorated with figures believed to inspire creativity.

When I saw it, I thought, “What a great object for a writer! You have all these Muses right there, to power your thinking!”

The card had told me to watch for a metaphor, so when I encountered the right one, I recognized it and my list became the “Muse Machine.”

The deck is useful for any project that calls for creativity, from a novel or a thesis to a holiday toast or the note inside a card, and it makes a good gift for anyone working on something of their own.

I hope you find the Muse Machine as inspiring as I do.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do when I feel creatively stuck?

Step away from direct problem-solving. Try an indirect creative prompt, change your surroundings, or add a random constraint, such as limiting yourself to a single element.

How do creative prompt decks work?

A creative prompt deck offers randomized, open-ended statements that encourage lateral thinking. Because you have to interpret an ambiguous phrase in the context of your specific challenge, the prompt pushes you past the approach you’ve been stuck on.

The post How to Overcome Creative Block Using Indirect Prompts appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

The Secret to Happiness Is Self-Knowledge: How to Know Yourself Better

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 01 Oct 2026 19:40:32 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared October 18, 2021

People often ask me, “What’s the secret to happiness? If you had to choose one thing, what would you choose?”

Depending on your perspective, that question can be answered in a few different ways.

One answer is: Relationships. Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree that to be happy, we need strong, enduring bonds to others.

Another answer is: Self-knowledge. We can build happy lives only on the foundation of our own nature, our own interests, our own values, our own temperament. I’ve certainly found that to be true in my own case.

What is self-knowledge? Self-knowledge is an accurate understanding of your own nature, interests, values, and temperament. For happiness, the hard part is separating what’s true about yourself from what you wish were true, or think ought to be true.

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

You might think, “Of course I know myself. I just hang out with myself all day long!” But in fact, it’s easy to be distracted by the way we wish we were, or think we ought to be, or what others think we should be, until we lose sight of what’s actually true. As Christopher Alexander observed:

It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.
The Nature of Order, Book Four: The Luminous Ground

My first Personal Commandment is to “Be Gretchen.” Sometimes, it’s tough to follow. Some people spend years trying to become a morning person, or someone who loves hosting big parties, because that’s the kind of person they admire. But really, we’re happiest when our decisions most closely match our natures and our values.

How to Know Yourself Better: Ask Yourself Questions

A shrewd question can kick up unexpected insights, and often points the way toward useful change.

For instance: What do you lie about? A friend told me, “My doctor asked me if I wore sunscreen, and I said I did, even though I almost never do.” When we lie, we show that in some way, our actions don’t reflect our values. And that’s a very, very useful thing to observe.

Also, an astute question can help us notice an overlooked pattern or characteristic about ourselves.

This strategy—asking ourselves questions—is so effective, and so important for happiness, that on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, one of our recurring segments is “Know Yourself Better.”

Here are some questions to try.

What time of day do you feel most productive?
Are you a simplicity-lover or an abundance-lover?
What you did for fun when you were ten years old? It might inspire you to pick up a new hobby.
What would your perfect day be like? Perhaps it could reveal ways to make today a little happier.
Are you an Abstainer or a Moderator? If it’s easier for you to give up a temptation entirely than to indulge in it once in a while, you may be an Abstainer. If strict rules make you feel trapped, you may be a Moderator.
How do you respond to expectations? Some people readily meet both outer expectations, like a work deadline, and inner expectations, like a New Year’s resolution. Others meet one kind easily and struggle with the other. This question is the basis of my Four Tendencies framework.

Putting Your Answers on the Page

I’ve been talking to people about happiness and self-knowledge for years, so I knew that many people want to gain greater self-knowledge, but need direction.

To meet this need, allow me to present…the Know Yourself Better Journal!

For many people–and certainly for me–writing brings clarity. I know what I think only once I’m trying to write it down in words. Vague thoughts become specific; logical gaps become obvious, and patterns begin to emerge. So it’s more helpful to write answers to these questions than to merely ponder them. It’s astonishing how often I will have a flash of insight mid-sentence.

The Know Yourself Better Journal comes in two other editions as well—Know Yourself Better: Embracing Change (for life transitions) and Know Yourself Better: Building Connections (for strengthening relationships).

These journals are made for people who want more self-insight, but need more direction than a blank page. They offer questions and distinctions meant to help you achieve a deeper understanding—and discover ways you might make your life a little happier.

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How to Stick to a Morning Routine

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 24 Sep 2026 19:13:43 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared November 4, 2021

A morning routine is easier to keep when it’s treated as a set of individual habits rather than one large aim.

Some quick tips:

Break your morning routine into concrete, trackable habits
Use the Four Tendencies framework (Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Rebel) to match the routine to your nature
Apply self-knowledge: are you a morning or evening person? Do you prefer familiarity or novelty?
Build in enough time, and if necessary, move tasks to the evening (I’ve talked to people who sleep in their gym clothes, to make the morning easier)

My sister Elizabeth calls me a “happiness bully,” and I have to admit that I do often quiz people about what happiness habits they’d like to master.

Over and over, people have told me, “I really want to develop a good morning routine. But I can’t get it to stick.”

Of course, that frustration often arises from the fact that we don’t have complete control over our lives. If you’re managing your family’s morning or dealing with an unpredictable work schedule, it can be very tough to establish a solid routine. That’s a reality.

But sometimes we can’t stick to a morning routine because we need to work harder on setting ourselves up for success—by being specific about what we expect from ourselves, addressing recurring challenges, and being realistic about what can get done in a certain amount of time.

And while we may not have complete control, we may have more control than we realize, to tweak a routine so it works better for us.

What’s the first step to building a morning routine that sticks?

Break your “morning routine” into concrete, manageable actions. An example might look something like this:

Wake up at 7:00 a.m., and hit the snooze alarm only once.
Do a ten-minute meditation after getting dressed.
Wake up the kids at 7:45.
Cook a hot breakfast and eat as a family Monday-Thursday.

Then take steps to solidify each individual habit. I’ve identified 21 Strategies for Habit Change that you might use—for instance, for that list, you might use the Strategies of Convenience, Inconvenience, Pairing, Scheduling, or Safeguards.

One powerful strategy is the Strategy of Monitoring, where you keep track each day of whether you’ve successfully completed that part of your morning routine. Monitoring has an almost uncanny power. It doesn’t require change, but it often leads to change, because people who keep close track of just about anything tend to do a better job of managing it. Tracking boosts self-control in key categories such as eating, drinking, exercising, working, TV- and internet-use, spending—and just about anything else.

Many people find that it’s helpful to pursue a “streak” or to tell themselves “don’t break that chain.” To make it easier to do that, I’ve created a Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker which is designed to make it fun and convenient to track, spot patterns, take notes—and keep the tracker as an accomplishment keepsake when you’re done. By trying not to break the chain of the individual habits that create your morning routine, you’ll strengthen that morning routine.

Strategy	What it means	Morning-routine example
Strategy of Monitoring	Keep track each day of whether you completed the habit; monitoring doesn’t require change, but it often leads to change	Mark off each element of your routine on a habit tracker
Strategy of Convenience	Make it easy to do right and hard to go wrong	Set out the coffee and the mug the night before
Strategy of Inconvenience	Change your surroundings, not yourself	Charge your phone in another room overnight
Strategy of Pairing	Only do X when you’re doing Y	Listen to a favorite podcast only while making breakfast
Strategy of Scheduling	Block off a specific time for a habit or an aim	Put your ten-minute meditation on the calendar at 7:15
Strategy of Safeguards	Anticipate obstacles and decide how to respond in advance	“If the kids wake up early, I’ll meditate after school-drop-off instead.”

How do the Four Tendencies apply to morning routines?

Use the “Four Tendencies” personality framework to help you stick to your routine. Don’t know if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? Take a moment to take the free, quick quiz (more than 3.5 million people have taken this quiz). Once you know your Tendency, harness that knowledge to help you stick to your routine.

The Four Tendencies is a personality framework I created, based on my study of happiness, habits, and human nature. It sorts people by how they respond to outer expectations and inner expectations:

Tendency	How you respond to expectations	How to stick to your morning routine
Upholder	Readily meets both outer and inner expectations	Make a morning to-do list and put items on the calendar.
Questioner	Questions all expectations; meets an expectation only once convinced it makes sense	Create the most efficient and customized routine possible, and remind yourself about why this routine works so well for you.
Obliger	Meets outer expectations, but struggles to meet inner expectations without outer accountability	Use outer accountability to help you stick to your routine. Remind yourself that if you keep your morning routine, you’ll help others keep their morning routines. Or think of your duty to your future-self, who will be so happy to start each day with a strong routine. Or create ways that you’re accountable to others; for instance, instead of taking a morning walk alone, walk with a neighbor.
Rebel	Resists both outer and inner expectations; values freedom, choice, and authenticity	You might not want to lock yourself into a specific routine. Think about what you want from your mornings, and let your actions flow from your desires. Think about your identity and the routines that support and naturally flow from that identity (an athlete, a nature-lover, a thoughtful parent, an artist).

How does self-knowledge help you keep a morning routine?

Use self-knowledge. People often try to apply one-size-fits-all solutions for happiness and habit-formation, and they get frustrated when those solutions don’t work. If you’re having trouble keeping a morning routine, try to know yourself better, and to adapt the routine to suit you. No tool fits every hand. For instance:

Are you a morning person or night person? If you’re a night person, you’re at your most creative, energetic, and productive later in the day. If you try to do something strenuous—doing a tough work-out, working on a novel—early in the day, it will be tough. Try moving that aim later in the day.
Do you love familiarity or novelty? If you like novelty, you might resist the sameness of a morning routine. Think about how you can add variety and challenge, to keep yourself interested.
Do you really care about this aspect of your morning routine? Sometimes we think we “should” do something, but we don’t really want to. Make sure that your routine includes items that truly matter to you.

Do you simply need more time in the morning?

Sometimes we’re just trying to cram too many items into the morning routine. For most of us, a lot needs to get done in the first few hours of the day, and it’s important to be realistic.

My sister Elizabeth told me, “I used to tell myself that I needed a certain amount of time in the morning. And that’s plenty of time, when I’m just dealing with myself. But the reality is that I’m dealing with Adam and Jack too, and that means I need a bigger buffer.” She started getting up thirty minutes earlier, to give herself plenty of time to deal with herself and her family.

Many people wouldn’t welcome the suggestion to get up earlier! But for some people, it’s an option. Along those lines…

Can a better evening routine fix your morning routine?

Can you move some tasks out of the morning, to make the morning routine less onerous? You might do a better job of keeping your morning routine if you work on your evening routine. For instance, if you or others need to take things to work or school, get materials organized the night before; assemble lunches the night before; choose outfits the night before, etc.

What keeps disrupting your morning?

Identify the problem. Are there problems that repeatedly crop up to disrupt your morning routine? Do you regularly sleep through the alarm, hunt for your keys, scramble to put together an outfit, lose track of time? Identify the problem, and figure out a way to address it.

How can you add energy and cheer to your morning?

Sing in the morning. Look for ways to add an energetic, cheerful note to your morning. When I wrote The Happiness Project, one of my resolutions was to “Sing in the morning” because it’s hard to both sing and maintain a grouchy mood. It set a happy tone for everyone in my family—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

What if you’re in the “rush hour of life”?

The fact is, sometimes we’re in a period of our lives when we just don’t have the well-oiled machine running the way we’d like! If that description applies to you, remember that things change. One day, the baby who wakes up at 5:00 a.m. needing to be diapered, fed, clothed, and carried will get up and get ready for school all by herself. The days are long, but the years are short.

Frequently asked questions about morning routines

What should a morning routine include?

The morning is a great time to form a regular habit, because self-control is high, there are fewer distractions, and it’s highly predictable. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! The twenty minute walk you take is so much better for you than the three mile run you never do. Just a little tweak in a routine sometimes makes a big difference.

Does knowing your Four Tendencies type help with a morning routine?

When we understand our own Tendency, we can adapt our circumstances to achieve our aims. Upholders embrace habits and form them fairly easily, because they find habits gratifying. Once a Questioner is convinced a habit is worth building, they can be very dedicated. Obligers depend on external accountability, with consequences such as deadlines, late fees, or the fear of letting other people down. Rebels struggle with mandatory or repetitive tasks, and are often repelled by routine and planning.

Is waking up earlier the answer?

Getting up earlier is a great way to make time for something important to you. To clear time to schedule a new morning habit, many people try waking up a bit earlier, but this can be tough for people who struggle to get out of bed. If you try this strategy, you must also go to sleep earlier! Now, this system wouldn’t work for true “owls” who stay up late and sleep late. Instead of trying to change our natures, we should try to change our situation and surroundings to suit us—whenever possible.

How do you track a morning routine?

Monitoring is an observational strategy. It doesn’t require that you change what you’re doing, only that you know what you’re doing. This is crucial to habit formation, because once you recognize what you’re doing, you may choose to behave differently. It’s a Secret of Adulthood for habits: “We manage what we monitor.” Actual measurement is crucial, because when we guess what we’re doing, we’re often wildly inaccurate.

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How to Tackle a Nagging Task: Power Hour!

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Fri, 18 Sep 2026 16:24:33 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared February 21, 2014

What is Power Hour?

“Power Hour” is a way to tackle the tasks that tend to sit at the bottom of your to-do list for months (or even years) because they don’t have a real deadline. Here’s how it works:

Set aside one hour every week.
Work only on tasks that have no deadline or outside pressure.
Don’t use the time for recurring chores like bills or email.

When I was writing Better Than Before, a book about habit-formation, so I found myself asking, “What are the issues in my life that bug me, and how can I tackle them through habits?

One problem: nagging tasks. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: Nothing is more exhausting than the task that’s never started. I knew this, but nevertheless I’d accumulated a lengthy list of small, mildly unpleasant tasks that I kept putting off—in many cases, for months. Maybe years.

These tasks weren’t urgent (which why they didn’t get done), but they weighed on my mind and sapped my energy. As I walked through my apartment, or sat at my desk, the accumulation of these little chores made me feel overwhelmed.

Psychologists sometimes call a nagging, unfinished tasks like this an “open loop”: not urgent enough to prioritize, and not resolved enough to forget about. When you have a long list of open loops, you can start to feel a constant decision fatigue.

But how could I form a single habit to cover a bunch of non-recurring, highly diverse tasks?

How the Power Hour strategy works

I hit on an idea. Once a week, for one hour, I’d steadily work on these chores. An hour didn’t sound like much time, but it was manageable.

With this hour, I’d tackle only tasks where I had no deadline, no accountability, no pressure—because these were the tasks that weren’t getting addressed. That’s another Secret of Adulthood: Something that can be done at any time is often done at no time. But although no one else cared when I replaced my office chair with the broken arm, or donated my daughters’ outgrown clothes to a thrift store, it made a difference to me.

The fluency heuristic: Why the name matters

I considered calling this time my “To-Do List Time.” Then I remembered a term from psychology, the “fluency heuristic,” which explains that an idea seems more valuable if it’s easier to say or think. An idea expressed in rhyme seems more convincing, which is why “Haste makes waste” is more compelling than “Hurrying fosters error.” I decided to name my new habit “Power Hour.”

The name and the idea have held up. Listeners of my podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, often cite Power Hour as their favorite tip.

The rules of Power Hour (and what to put on your list)

Power Hour is not for regular, recurring chores or tasks with a hard deadline. Only add a task to your list if:

It has no fixed deadline
No one else is tracking it
It won’t get taken care of as part of another habit

Making my first Power Hour list was easy and almost fun; I get a weird satisfaction from adding items to my to-do list. I didn’t allow myself to add any task that had to get done by a certain time; I couldn’t use Power Hour for planning my daughter’s birthday party or buying airplane tickets (for some reason, I loathe buying airplane tickets), because I knew these tasks had to get done. And I couldn’t use Power Hour for recurring tasks, like paying bills or answering emails, because I have different kinds of habits to cover repetitive chores.

Power Hour was time to accomplish those one-time tasks that weigh on my mind, but could be—and probably already have been—indefinitely postponed. For instance:

Make a photo album of our summer vacation
Use up store credits
Donate books to Housing Works
Round up and recycle batteries and devices

It feels so good to cross a nagging task off the list. A friend once told me, “I finally cleared out my fridge, and now I feel like I can switch careers.” I knew exactly what she meant.

Power Hour is enormously satisfying, because I’ve managed to chip away at tasks that were draining me.

Power Hour vs. the One-Minute Rule

The joy of Power Hour reminds of another great habit that helps me manage the chaos: my one-minute rule. If I can do something in less than one minute, I don’t let myself procrastinate. I hang up my coat, put newspapers in the recycling, scan and toss a letter. Ever since I wrote about this rule in The Happiness Project, I’ve been amazed by how many people have told me that it has made a huge difference in their lives.

	Power Hour	One-Minute Rule
Time required	One hour, once a week	Under a minute, on the spot
What qualifies	One-time tasks with no deadline, sitting untouched for months	Tasks you can finish immediately
Why it works	Sets aside dedicated time for tasks that won’t get addressed otherwise	Removes the chance to postpone in the first place

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Why September Is the Other January, and How to Take Advantage of This Clean Slate.

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 20 Aug 2026 17:25:20 +0000

A previous version of this article appeared August 20, 2020

New Year’s Day isn’t the only time for a restart. Back-to-school season, or just getting back to your normal routine after summer, is a terrific time for a fresh beginning. That’s why September is the other January—a clean slate, a chance to use new pencils, fresh notebooks, and start again.

In fact, in my book Happier at Home, I did a happiness project that stretched from September to May, to take advantage of September’s atmosphere to make my home a happier place.

September feels like a good time to make a new push. Orange is the new black, breakfast is the new lunch, Monday is the new Thursday, sitting is the new smoking, self-expression is the new entertainment, and September is the other January.

January is the official start of the new year, and I always get a burst of renewed zeal at that time, but here in the United States, for me, September also gives the same feeling of an empty calendar and a clean slate. The air seems charged with possibility and renewal.

Back-to-school is a time of self-evaluation and reflection–and also a time when I feel the urge to clean out my office.

What’s the Strategy of the Clean Slate?

In Better Than Before, my book about how we make and break our habits, I identify the 21 strategies we can use to master our habits. One helpful strategy is the “Strategy of the Clean Slate.”

When we go through a big transition, old habits get wiped away, and new habits form more easily.

The slate may be wiped clean by a change in personal relationships: marriage, divorce, a new baby, a new puppy, a break-up, a new friend, a death.
Or the slate may be wiped clean by a change in surroundings: a new apartment, a new city.
Or some major aspect of life may change: a new job, a new school, a new doctor.
Even minor changes can amount to a clean slate—a change as seemingly insignificant as taking a different route to work, or watching TV in a different room.
A milestone in time can also act as a clean slate: a significant birthday, the new year, an important anniversary—or September.

How does a clean slate support habit change?

The Clean Slate is so powerful that we don’t want to miss the chance to exploit it. For example, in one study of people trying to make a change—such as change in career or education, relationships, addictive behaviors, health behaviors such as dieting, or change in perspective—36% of successful changes were associated with a move to a new location.

If you’re thinking about doing a happiness project yourself, or you want to work on your habits, now is always the best time to start—but if you do like to pick a particularly auspicious time, September is a good one. Think about it! From September to May, in one school year, you could take some steps to boost your happiness or change your habits.

What does research say about September resolutions?

A few years ago, Anne Marie Chaker wrote a fascinating piece in the Wall Street Journal about the power of September: “Now Is the Real New Year.”

Some interesting points about why people make resolutions in September:

with the start of school, families get back into routines, and that helps people get organized and set goals
January is a tough time for resolutions, because of post-holiday exhaustion
summer efforts can get derailed because of vacation
September is one of the biggest months for enrolling in weight-loss programs, going to the gym, and cooking at home
people often change their hair style in September
people often take steps to change careers in September, and work on household budgets
September is now bigger than June as a time to get married; it’s second only to October

It’s also important to think about fun! If things are feeling flat, look for ways to add fun, play, whimsy, and surprise to your life. If you’d like to start planning your September reset, download my free “September Is the Other January” worksheet.

Frequently asked questions about September habit change

Why does September feel like a fresh start even for people who aren’t in school?

Back-to-school season is an obvious milestone for students or people with school-age children. That reset often carries over into many other areas of our lives. Work schedules may shift to accommodate parents, community resources shift out of their summer programming, even traffic patterns change. We all remember our own school days.

Why are September resolutions easier to stick to than January’s?

January resolutions do work for some people, but for many others, post-holiday fatigue can make a New Year’s resolution more challenging. September’s clean slate offers a “do-over” for a habit that failed to launch at the beginning of the year.

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What’s the Right Mix of The Four Tendencies in a Team?

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 21:20:19 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared January 21, 2020

The key takeaway:
There’s no single right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team. The best balance depends on what the team is trying to accomplish, but a team that leans too heavily on one Tendency loses access to the strengths of the others. Watch for the pull toward hiring people who share your own Tendency, since they’re the ones you understand best. And remember that Obligers, the most common Tendency, tend to work well alongside every other Tendency, which makes them worth having on any team.

I am always pondering the “Four Tendencies”—my personality framework that divides people into Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. It’s endlessly fascinating. (Identify your own tendency with my free quiz.)

Understanding the Four Tendencies can be extremely valuable in the workplace, because using the framework can help deal with burn-out, procrastination, insubordination, rigidity, impulsivity, and so on. Often, conflicts arise because two people are of two different Tendencies, so they see things in different ways. Once you take the Tendencies into account, a solution becomes clear.

Recently, I posted on a question that I’m often asked: What’s the best Tendency to hire?

I’m also often asked a related question: What’s the right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team? And the answer is the same: It depends.

It depends on the task of the team, it depends on the particular mix of people on the team, it matters how each Tendency balances the others. So it’s impossible to give a formula.

But I do have several observations.

The Four Tendencies at Work: A Quick Reference

Tendency	Strengths on a Team	What They Need	Watch For
Upholder	Self-directed; meets deadlines and runs projects without much supervision	Clear expectations—they get uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected	Can have trouble delegating, and can seem rigid or judgmental of others who don’t meet expectations as easily
Questioner	Brings rigor; pushes back on anything arbitrary or unjustified	Real explanations for decisions, not “because I said so” or “that’s how we’ve always done it”	Persistent questioning can come across as obstructionist; can stall on decisions while waiting for more information
Obliger	Goes the extra mile for the team; highly reliable with external deadlines	Outer accountability—check-ins, deadlines, a person to answer to	Can take on too much and burn out; watch for Obliger-rebellion if they’re not supported
Rebel	Brings fresh thinking and challenges the status quo; works well when identity and mission are engaged	Freedom, choice, and minimal supervision	Resists routines and direct instructions; often works best paired with an Obliger

How to Build a Balanced Team

If you’re putting together a team, be aware that you might be inclined to keep choosing people of your own Tendency. As you’d expect, we “get” our own Tendency best. We understand how that Tendency thinks, how they make decisions, how they thrive, what frustrations they commonly experience. So when you come across someone who matches you, it feels right. But this concentration weakens a team, because you end up with too much of certain qualities, and not enough of others.

Think about the aim of the team, and how the different Tendencies can contribute. Depending on what the team is expected to do, you might want a bit more of one Tendency or another in the mix, to have a bit more of that particular set of strengths.

Be aware that for a team to thrive, people may need different conditions. In my book Life in Five Senses, I wrote about how people need different sound environments to concentrate. Some people focus best in silence, others with a busy hum of activity, and others might prefer music. Likewise, some team members may need a particular process or structure, while others don’t. Look for ways to give all team members what they need.

For instance, Questioners can drain and overwhelm others with their questioning, but if they’re going to get on board, they need answers to those questions. Look for ways to give them those answers that don’t exhaust everyone else. Let’s say you’re on a Zoom call making a presentation to the team about a new software package. You’ve talked for twenty minutes, most people have heard enough, but two people keep raising their hands. You could say, “If you feel like you’ve learned what you need to know about this transition, feel free to drop off. If you’d like to learn more, stay put, and I’m happy to answer any additional questions you have.”

Similarly, as an Upholder, I don’t like imposing deadlines on other people. My inclination is to say, “I don’t want to be your babysitter. Do your work in your own way, just get it done.” But that doesn’t work well with Obligers. An Obliger friend told me that when he’s interviewing for a position, he always says, “I work best with a tough, demanding boss. That’s how I give my best work. Are you a tough boss?”

My podcast cohost—and sister—Elizabeth and I have talked more than once about how her Obliger tendency and my Upholder tendency shape the way we work together, including how outer accountability helps her meet expectations that don’t come as naturally to her as they do to me. You can listen to us talk about Elizabeth’s Obliger tendency here.

Special note on Rebels: Usually, when a Rebel teams up—a founding team, a sales team, writing partners, a boss and chief of staff—that team member is an Obliger. (This is true in romance as well.) If one member of a team is a Rebel, expect to see an Obliger standing nearby.

Obligers are the “Type O” of the Tendencies—they match up well with all Tendencies. This is very useful to consider, when building a team. Note, too, that Obliger is the biggest Tendency, for both men and women. For that reason, you probably are an Obliger or have Obligers on your team.

But while Obligers tend to match pretty easily with other Tendencies, Rebels match much better with Obligers than they do with Questioners and Upholders, who can become puzzled and frustrated by many aspects of the Rebel way. Obligers often feel excitement and relief when Rebels say, “Come on, let’s forget all that, off we go!” but Questioners and Upholders may get irritated. This isn’t always true, of course, but it’s a striking pattern.

Watch Out for Obliger Rebellion

If you work with an Obliger (or if you are one), take note: they’re often the easiest Tendency to overload, precisely because they rarely say no. If you keep adding deadlines without also checking whether the workload itself is sustainable, you risk what I call Obliger-rebellion—the point where an Obliger who has met, met, met, and met expectations suddenly snaps and refuses to meet any more. On a team, this can look like a reliable person abruptly missing a deadline, going quiet, or quitting outright, and it can seem to come out of nowhere to anyone who wasn’t watching for the warning signs beforehand.

Since Obliger is the most common Tendency for both men and women, most teams have more Obligers than any other type, so this is worth building into how you manage. Check in on workload, not just on output, and watch for early signs like uncharacteristic procrastination or a normally engaged person going quiet. I’ve written more about identifying and preventing Obliger-rebellion here.

If you have a LinkedIn Learning account, my course Creating Great Workplace Habits goes deeper into applying the Four Tendencies—and other habit strategies—at work.

The post What’s the Right Mix of The Four Tendencies in a Team? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Want to Be a Happier Parent? My “Four Tendencies” Personality Framework May Help.

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 16:42:34 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared April 13, 2020

According to my Four Tendencies framework, every person falls into one of four categories — Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel — based on how they respond to expectations. This sounds like a fairly dry, boring fact about someone — but it turns out to be very revealing.

I’ve heard from many people about how they use the Four Tendencies in dealing with their children. Whether we’re dealing with children (or adults), when we know someone’s Tendency, we can make arguments that are more persuasive, have more empathy, set up systems that are more effective, and save ourselves a lot of frustration.

What are the Four Tendencies? A Quick Overview

In a nutshell, my framework distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (meet a deadline, agree to a request from a friend) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).

Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. Motto: “Discipline is my freedom.”
Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations. Motto: “I’ll comply if you convince me why.”
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves; they keep their promises to others, but struggle to keep their promises to themselves. To meet inner expectations, they must have systems of outer accountability. Motto: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike; they want to do what they want to do; they don’t even like to tell themselves what to do. Motto: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”

Find out your Tendency with my free, quick quiz. (More than three million people have taken it.)

From my observation, our Tendency is a hard-wired part of our nature. It’s not a product of upbringing, generation, birth order, nationality—it’s part of our inborn nature. It’s shaped by time, experience, and culture, but it’s there from the beginning.

For that reason, it’s often possible to spot children’s Tendencies from a very young age. It’s not always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are, but once you know what to look for, it’s often easy to identify.

When we know a child’s Tendency, we can tailor our approach for maximum effectiveness, and avoid an approach that will cause frustration or procrastination.

Schoolwork, household chores, morning and bedtime routines, sports and activities, and socializing with friends and family members all come with expectations, so knowing how a child responds to expectations can help cultivate understanding and reduce conflict.

The Four Tendencies in Parenting: Quick Reference

Child’s Tendency	How they respond to expectations	What motivates them	What works best
Upholder	Meets outer and inner expectations readily	Routine and predictability	Clear schedules; reassurance when plans change
Questioner	Meets an expectation only if it makes sense to them	Reason, information, efficiency	The robust explanations they need, not “Because I say so”
Obliger	Meets outer expectations; struggles with inner ones	External accountability	Deadlines, checklists, doing the work alongside someone
Rebel	Resists outer and inner expectations alike	Freedom, choice, self-expression	Choice, appeals to identity, information-consequence-choice

How to Parent Each of the Four Tendencies

How to parent an Upholder child:

They’re self-directed, so they can meet deadlines, join a remote-learning class, or feed their fish, without much supervision.
They’re eager to meet expectations and may become very uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected—e.g., when an assignment is unclear or when they’re having trouble using a new technology.
To others, they can seem uptight or rigid.
They embrace routine, so they may feel anxious about any sudden changes to their usual daily schedule.
They thrive in predictability, so might find it hard to adapt to a situation that’s unstructured or unpredictable.
They may get very upset if they break the rules–such as when they’re late for school (even if it’s not their fault) or when they make a mistake, such as forgetting to bring an item to school.

What to say to an Upholder child

“Your teacher will understand that sometimes children can’t complete an assignment, for reasons that aren’t their fault, and that’s okay.”
“Your teacher expects you to read for 30 minutes every night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime when we get home. A good night’s sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and that’s more important than reading tonight.”
“Let’s make a schedule for the day. Why don’t you write the times for class, homework, exercise, free time, meals, TV, chores, and whatever else you think should go on it?”
“I think we should just eat lunch whenever we get hungry, but you want us to eat at a particular time. Okay, let’s say 12:30.”

How to parent a Questioner child:

They put a high value on reason, research, information, and efficiency. They need justifications.
They follow an “authority” only if they trust his or her expertise.
Their persistent questioning may cause teachers, professors, or parents to view them as uncooperative or disrespectful—if someone is told “You ask too many questions,” that’s a strong clue that the person is a Questioner.
They often refuse to do anything that seems pointless or arbitrary—“Why should I bother to do this dumb worksheet? It’s not teaching me anything.”
They tend to like to customize and monitor.
Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that Questioners get the robust explanations they need to meet expectations—not “Because I say so” or “Sixth graders always do this assignment.”

What to say to a Questioner child

“It may seem like a waste of time to write a book report when your teacher already knows you read the book, but this is an effective exercise to learn about how to summarize information, convey your thoughts clearly and convincingly, and identify the most important elements of what you read. Those skills will serve you well in many contexts.”
“You make an interesting point about why this assignment doesn’t make sense. Can you think of any reasons why it does make sense?”
“If you don’t do what the parking sign says, you may have to pay a fine.”
“You have a lot of work to do. What do you think would be the most efficient way for you to tackle these tasks?”
“Doing this short assignment now will help you study when it’s time for the test.”

How to parent an Obliger child:

They require supervision, deadlines, monitoring, and other forms of accountability; gentle reminders and many small deadlines may work better than one big distant deadline.
They must have systems of external accountability–perhaps multiple systems of accountability–in order to meet inner expectations. (This is true for adults, too!)
Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that work is distributed fairly—for instance, that for a group project, Obligers aren’t being exploited by others.

What to say to an Obliger child

“Your teacher assigned The Giver to read? I’ll read it, too, and you and I can talk about it.”
“I have my office work, and you have your school work. Let’s both do our work at the dining room table, at the same time, each day.”
“You may think your teacher won’t be able to tell if you’ve prepared, but believe me, a teacher can tell right away who’s faking it.”
“Let’s make a checklist of the things that you need to get done today.”
You might find online tools that can help create accountability—many Obligers use Focusmate.

How to parent a Rebel child:

They put a high value on freedom, choice, and self-expression; they can do anything they want to do, and they don’t want to feel controlled.
If someone asks or tells them to do something, they’re likely to resist.
They resist supervision, advice, nagging, or reminders; when you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they will do it.
They may act as though ordinary rules don’t apply to them; for instance, they may complete an assignment in their own way.
They resist routines, schedules, repetitive tasks, and being committed to do a particular thing at a particular time.
To inspire a Rebel to act, it’s often most effective to appeal to their identity–a child identifies as an artist, an animal-lover, an athlete, a loving family member, a reliable friend, an outstanding student, a performer.
It’s also often useful to use information-consequence-choice. “The school circulated this form for seniors to submit their three top choices for each elective. If you hand in your scheduling form on time, you’ll be more likely to get your top choices. If you hand in the form late, you’ll be stuck in the unpopular classes, because the popular classes will already be full. Here’s the form.”
They often enjoy a challenge: “You think I can’t learn to play this piece of music? Watch me!”
As painful as it may be to watch, it’s crucial that Rebel children be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices. Rebel adults say this all the time!
Often the most effective strategy with Rebels is to say nothing. Let them do things their own way, stay out of it. Don’t encourage, remind, nag, help, or even praise. To a Rebel, these well-meaning comments come across as attempts to control. Yes, this is easier said than done.

What to say to a Rebel child:

“Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork. You decide what you want to work on, when, where, and how.”
“For reading time, pick whatever book you feel like reading.”
“Wow, writing a short story sounds like a challenging assignment! I can’t wait to read what you write. You have such a brilliant imagination.”
“Bet you can’t get ready in less than two minutes, can you beat your old record?”
“You want to work on your senior paper at 11:00 p.m.? Okay.”

What to Say About Chores and Screen Time, by Tendency

Two conflicts come up in almost every household: doing chores, and phone, tablet, or computer usage.

How to get your kids to do chores, by Tendency

For Upholders, say: “Let’s make a schedule for the weekend, so we know we’ll have time to do all the fun things you want to do.”
For Questioners, say: “In this family, we all pitch in to keep the household running. This week you need to clean your room, mow the lawn, and unload the dishwasher every morning. What do you think would be the most efficient way to tackle these tasks?”
For Obligers, say: “Let’s make a checklist of the things you need to get done today. I’ll post it on the fridge, and you can check off each chore as you finish it.”
For Rebels, say: “I trust you to get everything done on your own time, in your own way. As long as your chores are finished by Sunday evening, you can do them whenever and however you like.”

If chores are also a source of conflict between the adults in your house, see How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores.

How to handle screen time conflicts, by Tendency

For Upholders, say: “You’re welcome to watch a show once your homework is done. You’ll enjoy it much more when your other responsibilities are finished. Let me know when you’ve turned everything in.” Avoid repeated reminders. An Upholder has already registered the expectation, and reminding only adds pressure.
For Questioners, say this: “Research shows that screens right before bed make it harder to fall asleep, and you’ve got a test tomorrow. Put the phone in the kitchen after dinner tonight.” Avoid making a hard rule without providing the logic behind it.
For Obligers, say this: “Let’s both put our phones in the basket during dinner. I need the help sticking to it as much as you do.” Avoid guilt trips like “You’re spending too much time on your phone. You need to do a better job of monitoring your screen time.”
For Rebels, say this: “I bet you can’t go two hours without looking at your phone.” Avoid threats like “If I see you checking your phone during dinner one more time, I’m taking it away.”

How to Be Fair When Your Children Have Different Tendencies

Pick your battles. If your Questioner child asks, “Why should I make my bed every morning, if I just unmake it every night,” you might answer, “Fine, don’t make it.”

If you have more than one child, be fair. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much; with Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal. But that’s not fair. Nevertheless…

Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive when given supervision and deadlines. A Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. You might let an Upholder child look after himself or herself without much oversight. A Questioner child might need you to make sure that he or she hasn’t decided that certain assignments were optional.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Four Tendencies and Parenting

Can a child’s Tendency change as they grow up?

In my observation, we bring our Tendency into the world with us, but our upbringing, context, and experience can dramatically shape the expression of our Tendency.

At what age can you identify a child’s Tendency?

It’s often possible to spot a child’s Tendency from a very young age. It isn’t always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are—a five-year-old doesn’t get many chances to set and meet an inner expectation. But once you know what to look for, it’s not hard. If you’re unsure, an older child can take the free Four Tendencies quiz.

Is one Tendency better for a child than another?

No. Every Tendency has strengths and weaknesses, and every Tendency can achieve what it sets out to do. An Upholder’s self-direction comes with a rigidity that can make small disruptions painful. A Rebel’s resistance to being managed comes with a real capacity to do anything they decide they want to do. You can’t change a child from one Tendency to another—instead, make it your goal to find the best approach for the child you actually have.

Does being fair mean treating all my children the same way?

No. Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive with supervision and deadlines; a Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. Handing both children the identical chore chart isn’t fair—it just guarantees one of them fails.

Why do I end up giving more chores to my Obliger and Upholder children?

Because they say yes. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to be more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much. With Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal—so we route around them. But that’s not fair.

What do I do if my Rebel child refuses to do homework?

Stop reminding. When you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they’ll do it. Instead, offer choice (“Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork—you decide what, when, where, and how”), appeal to their identity, or use information-consequence-choice: give the facts, name the consequence, and hand over the decision. And as painful as it is to watch, Rebel children need to be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices.

Want more parenting resources?

Want more to read more about the Four Tendencies?

Want to listen to a discussion of the Four Tendencies on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast?

Bonus episode: A deep dive into the “Four Tendencies” personality framework.

The post Want to Be a Happier Parent? My “Four Tendencies” Personality Framework May Help. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores: 13 Strategies for Couples

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 18:24:53 +0000

An earlier version of this post appeared April 4, 2020

I’ve written before about the challenge of shared work. It’s tough to share tasks without resentment.

And it’s a particular problem whenever a household’s rhythm changes due to a move, a new baby, a shift to working from home, or a stretch when everyone’s suddenly around more than usual.

Dividing household work causes a lot of conflicts in couples—who’s doing what, and is everyone doing their share of the household chores? Here are some principles to keep in mind.

13 suggestions for managing household chore conflict

1. Have an explicit discussion about expectations.

You may not agree with each other, but you should talk about the fact that you don’t agree. Fuming silently when someone doesn’t unload the dishwasher isn’t helpful; that person may be oblivious to the fact that you expected them to do it.

It’s especially important to have this discussion during any major shift in your family’s routine. For instance, during the summer your household might have more dirty dishes, or more general mess, because everyone’s home all the time.

In particular, work related to children may be look very different during a big transition. Depending on your circumstances, you may need to figure out an entirely new way of divvying up work related to kids.

2. Just because something’s important to you doesn’t mean that it’s important to someone else.

You may value a clean kitchen; a messy kitchen doesn’t bother your sweetheart. Which means…

3. Because people are more likely to do work that they value, assign chores accordingly.

If you care about a clean kitchen, make that your job. If your partner hates a grubby bathroom, bathroom-cleaning should be that person’s job.

4. Watch out for “unconscious overclaiming.”

In unconscious overclaiming, we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to others. This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. Studies showed that when spouses estimated what percentage of housework each performed, the percentages added up to more than 120 percent.

It’s easy to think “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” but ignore all the tasks you don’t do. And maybe others don’t think that task is as important as you do, anyway.

Also, work done by other people sounds easy. How hard is it to walk the dog for a few blocks? Remind the kids to do their homework? Take out the trash? It sounds easy, when you’re not the one doing it.

Be sure to recognize how others contribute.

5. If you don’t want to do a task, don’t do it yourself.

This sounds so obvious, but people often don’t observe this principle! If you keep doing a task, why would someone else start? Leave it undone. Don’t prepare lunch for your spouse and your two teenagers. Of course, this means that the task is most likely to be done by the person who cares most, so be strategic. It’s true that some tasks must be done; on the other hand…

6. Some tasks don’t need to be done.

There’s no law requiring that we make our beds, hang up our clothes, put away the kids’ toys every night. If you’re in a period where life feels overloaded, you may want to change your usual standards, for harmony’s sake. This is hard for people like me: for me, outer order contributes to inner calm. But different people feel differently.

7. Don’t criticize the way people do their chores.

If you want it done your way and in your time frame, do it yourself. Maybe you like the laundry to be done frequently, but your sweetheart thinks it’s more efficient to wait, and then do many loads in the same day. If the laundry is that person’s job, that person gets to do it in their own way. (It must be noted, however, that some people use deliberate incompetence—sometimes called weaponized incompetence—to try to shirk, which is very annoying.)

8. Praise the person who sets the assignments.

It takes energy and effort to say, “We need to clean the kitchen” or “The laundry pile is too high” or “Time to take out the trash.” Praise the person who makes the chore chart, who gives reminders, who’s nudging other family members along. Except for the truly clutter-blind (and such folks do exist–my sister Elizabeth is among them), most people do prefer to be in an environment that has benefited from a lot of housework. This is sometimes called the “mental load” of running a household—the invisible work of planning and tracking, as opposed to tackling the physical tasks.

9. Recognize differences.

We all deal with negative emotions differently. Under stress, my urge (as an Upholder, see below) is to become more scheduled, more regular in my routine, more strict with my habits, more orderly—I find discipline to be comforting and energizing. By contrast, many people find comfort in lowering expectations and relaxing routines; they’re easier in their minds when they go easier on themselves.

It’s helpful to remember that a household clash might be arising out of different coping systems. One person is tightening up while another person is loosening up.

10. If people aren’t doing their part, consider their Tendency:

Upholders — Make expectations very explicit.
Questioners — Explain why you want something done. “Because I want it done” or “Because we have to” isn’t a good reason. Good reason: “We just moved to a new house and a new city, and we want the kids to feel like our little world is safe and predictable. We’ll help them by making our household feel orderly, with the laundry getting done, meals eaten at regular times, etc. If our household feels chaotic, they’re going to feel more anxious and unsettled.”
Questioners are interested in efficiency, so discuss how systems could be made more efficient. They are also often interested in fairness, but they need facts, so calculate how much time you’re spending on chores vs. how much time your partner is spending on chores.
Obligers — Provide outer accountability. Note that sweethearts often don’t count as “outer” accountability, so don’t try to hold your partner accountable yourself. Try accountability systems like chore charts, scheduling, everyone in the household doing chores at the same time, the duty to be a role model, the duty to a future-self, keeping the house nice for others.
Rebels — Give freedom and choice. Let them do their work in their own way, in their own time—which is harder than it sounds. Note, they will sometimes choose to do something out of love for you. They want to live up to their identity: a loving parent, a thoughtful citizen, a responsible family member. Don’t remind, nag, or give helpful reminders—you may ignite the spirit of resistance.

Don’t know about my “Four Tendencies” personality framework? To find out if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel, take the free, quick quiz here. More than 3.5 million people have taken it.

11. Make a joke of it.

A little humor goes a long way. Can you find a funny way to make your point? Can you poke fun at yourself, while still saying what you need to say? During the COVID-19 lockdowns—obviously a major disruption to everyone’s routine—I told my family that my mantra was “Put away my clipboard” as a way to make fun of myself and my urge to hustle everyone along. Now I can say, “I’m sorry, I can’t resist pulling out my clipboard to point out that you haven’t put away those clothes yet.”

12. Remember that the only person we can change is ourselves.

We can’t control other people, we can’t change what they do. But it’s also true that when I change, a relationship changes; when I change, the atmosphere of my household changes; when I change, others may imitate me. So sometimes we can bring about larger change, just by changing what we do ourselves. This was one of the most important lessons I learned while writing The Happiness Project.

13. Remember love.

Stressful seasons test a household. A job loss, illness, a new baby, or other change can leave a family feeling stretched thin. During a time like this, it’s important to remember love.

If we can overlook a neglected chore, maybe this is the time.
If we can perform a chore that’s important to someone else even though we think it’s pointless and unnecessary, maybe this is the time.
When someone asks for help, maybe this is the time to jump up and say “Sure, what do you want me to do?” instead of muttering “I’ll do it later” while continuing to scroll through email.
Maybe this is the time to let go of things that would ordinarily bother us.

As Henri-Frederic Amiel wrote in his Journal Intime: “Life is short, and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind!”

The post How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores: 13 Strategies for Couples appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

This Summer, Design a Daily Recess: 7 Ways to Have More Fun

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 18:31:56 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared June 19, 2023

Toward the end of summer, have you ever felt that you wished you’d done more with those months?

Life feels richer and more memorable when each season of the year feels special in some way.

One way we can make this summer distinctive? Give ourselves recess: a daily, unstructured, creative time of play.

Research shows that children are far better able to sit still, focus, and learn when they’ve had the exercise, sunlight, freedom, and fun of recess.

The same is true for adults. To keep going, we need to let ourselves stop. We need regular breaks that are unstructured, exploratory, creative, adventurous, and playful.

Unless they work in a school setting, most adults don’t get a summer break–but that doesn’t mean we can’t use the long days to incorporate play into our day-to-day routine. This summer, consider giving yourself a daily break (even ten minutes) to rest, create, explore, or goof off.

Why adults need a summer recess

Why design a summer recess? For one thing, taking time each day to recharge boosts vitality, energy, and creativity. Recess is also a way to make the most of your summer, and to help the season stand out. But to design a summer recess, you have to know what activities are fun for you—and that can be surprisingly hard to do. Perhaps that’s why so many people end up scrolling when they find themselves with a bit of downtime.

The eight play personalities

Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, has identified eight “play personalities.” These categories help illustrate an important truth about happiness: What’s fun for others might not be fun for you, and vice versa.

Some people love to move (The Kinisthete). Some want to make others laugh (The Joker). Some find joy in planning and executing experiences (The Director). Some delight in imagining worlds (The Storyteller).

Keeping the play personalities in mind is helpful when making summer plans with others. And before you design your recess, give yourself permission to drop activities that “should” be fun in favor of things that actually feel restorative.

Seven summer recess ideas to try

Before you can design a summer recess that’s right for you, you’ll need to decide what kind of play you want to incorporate. Which style of play appeals to you most:

Use your hands. Spend your recess creating or reworking something. Cook a meal, fix a broken object, decorate an area of your home or work space, play around with paints or clay.
Explore movement. Use your recess to explore a form of movement that’s fun for you. This could mean swimming in a community pool, playing pickleball with a friend, stretching to some soothing music, or kicking a soccer ball around with your kids in the front yard or a local park.
Fire up your imagination. Use your imagination to write a story, poem, or note to a friend. Or, immerse yourself in a different world by watching a TV show or reading a novel.
Go outside. Spend your recess enjoying the summer weather and your natural surroundings. Water your plants, take a short walk, or eat a meal outdoors.
Return to a childhood activity. Return to an activity you enjoyed as a child. What did you do for fun when you were ten years old? That’s probably something you’d still enjoy now, whether walking in the woods, playing with your dog, collecting shells, taking pictures, or shooting hoops.
Goof off. Schedule time to be unscheduled. Sit in the sun, stare into space, nap.
Tap in to your senses. To get out of your head and into your body, use your recess to enjoy the sensations of summer. Eat a peach, smell the fresh-cut grass, float in cool water, listen for the tune of an ice cream truck, or look for shapes in the clouds.

How to design your daily recess

If you decide to create a summer recess, reflect on what’s truly fun for you—the activities that feel energizing or restorative.

Then, make a plan. Decide how your daily recess will look, when it will take place, and for how long. Do you need accountability, specific tools, or an alarm? Maybe all you need is a sticky note on your bathroom mirror reminding you to make time for play.

Ready to Design a Happier Summer?

The Happier app offers a variety of tools that make designing your summer practical, fun, and concrete. If you’re not sure where to start, choose a prompt that resonates with you and build from there.

Free • iOS & Android

The post This Summer, Design a Daily Recess: 7 Ways to Have More Fun appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

How to Review Your Mid-Year Goals: Lessons Learned from Halfway Day

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2026 21:55:34 +0000

Key Takeaways for Mid-Year Goal Reviews–also known as “Halfway Day”:

Strategic quitting: Give yourself permission to abandon goals that no longer serve you.
Self-compassion: If you mess up, cut yourself some slack. People who show themselves some grace are better at returning to a habit to try again..
Focus on progress: Celebrate your “ta-da” moments instead of focusing solely on your “to-do” list.
Gamification: Use games, whimsy, and other design changes to make your habits more engaging–for instance, use a habit bingo card.

An earlier version of this article appeared July 11, 2023

July 2 is Halfway Day.

We’re halfway through the year, which is a good time to evaluate our progress–which will look different for everyone. For some people, it might mean checking off items on their “26 for 26 list” in their 2026 Happiness Trifecta. For others, it might mean progress toward a specific aim.

It’s important to celebrate our accomplishments—and also to notice what doesn’t work. Halfway Day is a great time to reflect on our aims and to adjust our approach.

Also, because we can all learn from each other, it’s helpful to consider other people’s observations about their progress.

Lessons for Halfway Day:

1. Be willing to let go of a goal

As I write about in my book Outer Order, Inner Calm, one way to complete an aim is to abandon it:

@organisingqueen: “I abandoned one (go outside 23 mins in 2023) because I was swept up in new-year energy. If you know me at all, you’ll know my body does not respond well to being outside (heat headaches and the like)”

2. Give yourself breaks and flexibility

To keep going, sometimes we have to allow ourselves to stop:

Bonnie B.: “My main goal was to paint every day, and to give myself grace if I couldn’t because then I got in a spiral, and it went on for days. So far, I’m doing great!”

3. Focus on the “ta-da” list as well as the to-do list

It’s easy to focus on the to-do and forget the ta-da. We should give ourselves credit for everything we’ve done:

@katenack: “I’ve finished 16 out of 23 on my list. I might have gone too easy on myself with my list this year but feels good to be that far along.”

4. Gamify a hard task, or make it more convenient

When we find ways to make tasks more fun, more convenient, or more pleasant—for instance, in ways that I explore in my book Life in Five Senses–we’re more likely to stick to them:

Bailee S.: “I realized I hadn’t been very engaged with my 23 for 23 list, so I reevaluated what I had on it and created a 2023 bingo card instead!”

How are you doing on your aims for 2026? I must confess, I’ve completed less than half of the items on my “26 in 26 list,” but hey, I’ve still got almost six months to go.

Frequently asked questions about Halfway Day

Here are answers to some of the questions readers and listeners most often ask me about Halfway Day.

What is Halfway Day?

Halfway Day falls on July 2 (or July 1 in a leap year) and marks the midpoint of the calendar year. It’s an ideal milestone to audit your personal aims, habits, and resolutions.

Is it ok to change your goals halfway through the year?

Yes! Sticking to a goal that doesn’t serve you won’t make you happier. Changing, pausing, or strategically quitting a goal frees you to put your energy toward aims that contribute to your happiness.

How do you get a failed resolution back on track?

To reset a goal mid-year, focus on convenience and enjoyment. Celebrate what you have already accomplished (your “ta-da” list), and look for ways to make it easier and more enjoyable to make progress.

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