Gretchen Rubin

What’s the Right Mix of The Four Tendencies in a Team?

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 21:20:19 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared January 21, 2020

The key takeaway:
There’s no single right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team. The best balance depends on what the team is trying to accomplish, but a team that leans too heavily on one Tendency loses access to the strengths of the others. Watch for the pull toward hiring people who share your own Tendency, since they’re the ones you understand best. And remember that Obligers, the most common Tendency, tend to work well alongside every other Tendency, which makes them worth having on any team.

I am always pondering the “Four Tendencies”—my personality framework that divides people into Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. It’s endlessly fascinating. (Identify your own tendency with my free quiz.)

Understanding the Four Tendencies can be extremely valuable in the workplace, because using the framework can help deal with burn-out, procrastination, insubordination, rigidity, impulsivity, and so on. Often, conflicts arise because two people are of two different Tendencies, so they see things in different ways. Once you take the Tendencies into account, a solution becomes clear.

Recently, I posted on a question that I’m often asked: What’s the best Tendency to hire?

I’m also often asked a related question: What’s the right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team? And the answer is the same: It depends.

It depends on the task of the team, it depends on the particular mix of people on the team, it matters how each Tendency balances the others. So it’s impossible to give a formula.

But I do have several observations.

The Four Tendencies at Work: A Quick Reference

Tendency	Strengths on a Team	What They Need	Watch For
Upholder	Self-directed; meets deadlines and runs projects without much supervision	Clear expectations—they get uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected	Can have trouble delegating, and can seem rigid or judgmental of others who don’t meet expectations as easily
Questioner	Brings rigor; pushes back on anything arbitrary or unjustified	Real explanations for decisions, not “because I said so” or “that’s how we’ve always done it”	Persistent questioning can come across as obstructionist; can stall on decisions while waiting for more information
Obliger	Goes the extra mile for the team; highly reliable with external deadlines	Outer accountability—check-ins, deadlines, a person to answer to	Can take on too much and burn out; watch for Obliger-rebellion if they’re not supported
Rebel	Brings fresh thinking and challenges the status quo; works well when identity and mission are engaged	Freedom, choice, and minimal supervision	Resists routines and direct instructions; often works best paired with an Obliger

How to Build a Balanced Team

If you’re putting together a team, be aware that you might be inclined to keep choosing people of your own Tendency. As you’d expect, we “get” our own Tendency best. We understand how that Tendency thinks, how they make decisions, how they thrive, what frustrations they commonly experience. So when you come across someone who matches you, it feels right. But this concentration weakens a team, because you end up with too much of certain qualities, and not enough of others.

Think about the aim of the team, and how the different Tendencies can contribute. Depending on what the team is expected to do, you might want a bit more of one Tendency or another in the mix, to have a bit more of that particular set of strengths.

Be aware that for a team to thrive, people may need different conditions. In my book Life in Five Senses, I wrote about how people need different sound environments to concentrate. Some people focus best in silence, others with a busy hum of activity, and others might prefer music. Likewise, some team members may need a particular process or structure, while others don’t. Look for ways to give all team members what they need.

For instance, Questioners can drain and overwhelm others with their questioning, but if they’re going to get on board, they need answers to those questions. Look for ways to give them those answers that don’t exhaust everyone else. Let’s say you’re on a Zoom call making a presentation to the team about a new software package. You’ve talked for twenty minutes, most people have heard enough, but two people keep raising their hands. You could say, “If you feel like you’ve learned what you need to know about this transition, feel free to drop off. If you’d like to learn more, stay put, and I’m happy to answer any additional questions you have.”

Similarly, as an Upholder, I don’t like imposing deadlines on other people. My inclination is to say, “I don’t want to be your babysitter. Do your work in your own way, just get it done.” But that doesn’t work well with Obligers. An Obliger friend told me that when he’s interviewing for a position, he always says, “I work best with a tough, demanding boss. That’s how I give my best work. Are you a tough boss?”

My podcast cohost—and sister—Elizabeth and I have talked more than once about how her Obliger tendency and my Upholder tendency shape the way we work together, including how outer accountability helps her meet expectations that don’t come as naturally to her as they do to me. You can listen to us talk about Elizabeth’s Obliger tendency here.

Special note on Rebels: Usually, when a Rebel teams up—a founding team, a sales team, writing partners, a boss and chief of staff—that team member is an Obliger. (This is true in romance as well.) If one member of a team is a Rebel, expect to see an Obliger standing nearby.

Obligers are the “Type O” of the Tendencies—they match up well with all Tendencies. This is very useful to consider, when building a team. Note, too, that Obliger is the biggest Tendency, for both men and women. For that reason, you probably are an Obliger or have Obligers on your team.

But while Obligers tend to match pretty easily with other Tendencies, Rebels match much better with Obligers than they do with Questioners and Upholders, who can become puzzled and frustrated by many aspects of the Rebel way. Obligers often feel excitement and relief when Rebels say, “Come on, let’s forget all that, off we go!” but Questioners and Upholders may get irritated. This isn’t always true, of course, but it’s a striking pattern.

Watch Out for Obliger Rebellion

If you work with an Obliger (or if you are one), take note: they’re often the easiest Tendency to overload, precisely because they rarely say no. If you keep adding deadlines without also checking whether the workload itself is sustainable, you risk what I call Obliger-rebellion—the point where an Obliger who has met, met, met, and met expectations suddenly snaps and refuses to meet any more. On a team, this can look like a reliable person abruptly missing a deadline, going quiet, or quitting outright, and it can seem to come out of nowhere to anyone who wasn’t watching for the warning signs beforehand.

Since Obliger is the most common Tendency for both men and women, most teams have more Obligers than any other type, so this is worth building into how you manage. Check in on workload, not just on output, and watch for early signs like uncharacteristic procrastination or a normally engaged person going quiet. I’ve written more about identifying and preventing Obliger-rebellion here.

If you have a LinkedIn Learning account, my course Creating Great Workplace Habits goes deeper into applying the Four Tendencies—and other habit strategies—at work.

The post What’s the Right Mix of The Four Tendencies in a Team? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Want to Be a Happier Parent? My “Four Tendencies” Personality Framework May Help.

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 16:42:34 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared April 13, 2020

According to my Four Tendencies framework, every person falls into one of four categories — Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel — based on how they respond to expectations. This sounds like a fairly dry, boring fact about someone — but it turns out to be very revealing.

I’ve heard from many people about how they use the Four Tendencies in dealing with their children. Whether we’re dealing with children (or adults), when we know someone’s Tendency, we can make arguments that are more persuasive, have more empathy, set up systems that are more effective, and save ourselves a lot of frustration.

What are the Four Tendencies? A Quick Overview

In a nutshell, my framework distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (meet a deadline, agree to a request from a friend) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).

Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. Motto: “Discipline is my freedom.”
Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations. Motto: “I’ll comply if you convince me why.”
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves; they keep their promises to others, but struggle to keep their promises to themselves. To meet inner expectations, they must have systems of outer accountability. Motto: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike; they want to do what they want to do; they don’t even like to tell themselves what to do. Motto: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”

Find out your Tendency with my free, quick quiz. (More than three million people have taken it.)

From my observation, our Tendency is a hard-wired part of our nature. It’s not a product of upbringing, generation, birth order, nationality—it’s part of our inborn nature. It’s shaped by time, experience, and culture, but it’s there from the beginning.

For that reason, it’s often possible to spot children’s Tendencies from a very young age. It’s not always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are, but once you know what to look for, it’s often easy to identify.

When we know a child’s Tendency, we can tailor our approach for maximum effectiveness, and avoid an approach that will cause frustration or procrastination.

Schoolwork, household chores, morning and bedtime routines, sports and activities, and socializing with friends and family members all come with expectations, so knowing how a child responds to expectations can help cultivate understanding and reduce conflict.

The Four Tendencies in Parenting: Quick Reference

Child’s Tendency	How they respond to expectations	What motivates them	What works best
Upholder	Meets outer and inner expectations readily	Routine and predictability	Clear schedules; reassurance when plans change
Questioner	Meets an expectation only if it makes sense to them	Reason, information, efficiency	The robust explanations they need, not “Because I say so”
Obliger	Meets outer expectations; struggles with inner ones	External accountability	Deadlines, checklists, doing the work alongside someone
Rebel	Resists outer and inner expectations alike	Freedom, choice, self-expression	Choice, appeals to identity, information-consequence-choice

How to Parent Each of the Four Tendencies

How to parent an Upholder child:

They’re self-directed, so they can meet deadlines, join a remote-learning class, or feed their fish, without much supervision.
They’re eager to meet expectations and may become very uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected—e.g., when an assignment is unclear or when they’re having trouble using a new technology.
To others, they can seem uptight or rigid.
They embrace routine, so they may feel anxious about any sudden changes to their usual daily schedule.
They thrive in predictability, so might find it hard to adapt to a situation that’s unstructured or unpredictable.
They may get very upset if they break the rules–such as when they’re late for school (even if it’s not their fault) or when they make a mistake, such as forgetting to bring an item to school.

What to say to an Upholder child

“Your teacher will understand that sometimes children can’t complete an assignment, for reasons that aren’t their fault, and that’s okay.”
“Your teacher expects you to read for 30 minutes every night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime when we get home. A good night’s sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and that’s more important than reading tonight.”
“Let’s make a schedule for the day. Why don’t you write the times for class, homework, exercise, free time, meals, TV, chores, and whatever else you think should go on it?”
“I think we should just eat lunch whenever we get hungry, but you want us to eat at a particular time. Okay, let’s say 12:30.”

How to parent a Questioner child:

They put a high value on reason, research, information, and efficiency. They need justifications.
They follow an “authority” only if they trust his or her expertise.
Their persistent questioning may cause teachers, professors, or parents to view them as uncooperative or disrespectful—if someone is told “You ask too many questions,” that’s a strong clue that the person is a Questioner.
They often refuse to do anything that seems pointless or arbitrary—“Why should I bother to do this dumb worksheet? It’s not teaching me anything.”
They tend to like to customize and monitor.
Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that Questioners get the robust explanations they need to meet expectations—not “Because I say so” or “Sixth graders always do this assignment.”

What to say to a Questioner child

“It may seem like a waste of time to write a book report when your teacher already knows you read the book, but this is an effective exercise to learn about how to summarize information, convey your thoughts clearly and convincingly, and identify the most important elements of what you read. Those skills will serve you well in many contexts.”
“You make an interesting point about why this assignment doesn’t make sense. Can you think of any reasons why it does make sense?”
“If you don’t do what the parking sign says, you may have to pay a fine.”
“You have a lot of work to do. What do you think would be the most efficient way for you to tackle these tasks?”
“Doing this short assignment now will help you study when it’s time for the test.”

How to parent an Obliger child:

They require supervision, deadlines, monitoring, and other forms of accountability; gentle reminders and many small deadlines may work better than one big distant deadline.
They must have systems of external accountability–perhaps multiple systems of accountability–in order to meet inner expectations. (This is true for adults, too!)
Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that work is distributed fairly—for instance, that for a group project, Obligers aren’t being exploited by others.

What to say to an Obliger child

“Your teacher assigned The Giver to read? I’ll read it, too, and you and I can talk about it.”
“I have my office work, and you have your school work. Let’s both do our work at the dining room table, at the same time, each day.”
“You may think your teacher won’t be able to tell if you’ve prepared, but believe me, a teacher can tell right away who’s faking it.”
“Let’s make a checklist of the things that you need to get done today.”
You might find online tools that can help create accountability—many Obligers use Focusmate.

How to parent a Rebel child:

They put a high value on freedom, choice, and self-expression; they can do anything they want to do, and they don’t want to feel controlled.
If someone asks or tells them to do something, they’re likely to resist.
They resist supervision, advice, nagging, or reminders; when you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they will do it.
They may act as though ordinary rules don’t apply to them; for instance, they may complete an assignment in their own way.
They resist routines, schedules, repetitive tasks, and being committed to do a particular thing at a particular time.
To inspire a Rebel to act, it’s often most effective to appeal to their identity–a child identifies as an artist, an animal-lover, an athlete, a loving family member, a reliable friend, an outstanding student, a performer.
It’s also often useful to use information-consequence-choice. “The school circulated this form for seniors to submit their three top choices for each elective. If you hand in your scheduling form on time, you’ll be more likely to get your top choices. If you hand in the form late, you’ll be stuck in the unpopular classes, because the popular classes will already be full. Here’s the form.”
They often enjoy a challenge: “You think I can’t learn to play this piece of music? Watch me!”
As painful as it may be to watch, it’s crucial that Rebel children be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices. Rebel adults say this all the time!
Often the most effective strategy with Rebels is to say nothing. Let them do things their own way, stay out of it. Don’t encourage, remind, nag, help, or even praise. To a Rebel, these well-meaning comments come across as attempts to control. Yes, this is easier said than done.

What to say to a Rebel child:

“Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork. You decide what you want to work on, when, where, and how.”
“For reading time, pick whatever book you feel like reading.”
“Wow, writing a short story sounds like a challenging assignment! I can’t wait to read what you write. You have such a brilliant imagination.”
“Bet you can’t get ready in less than two minutes, can you beat your old record?”
“You want to work on your senior paper at 11:00 p.m.? Okay.”

What to Say About Chores and Screen Time, by Tendency

Two conflicts come up in almost every household: doing chores, and phone, tablet, or computer usage.

How to get your kids to do chores, by Tendency

For Upholders, say: “Let’s make a schedule for the weekend, so we know we’ll have time to do all the fun things you want to do.”
For Questioners, say: “In this family, we all pitch in to keep the household running. This week you need to clean your room, mow the lawn, and unload the dishwasher every morning. What do you think would be the most efficient way to tackle these tasks?”
For Obligers, say: “Let’s make a checklist of the things you need to get done today. I’ll post it on the fridge, and you can check off each chore as you finish it.”
For Rebels, say: “I trust you to get everything done on your own time, in your own way. As long as your chores are finished by Sunday evening, you can do them whenever and however you like.”

If chores are also a source of conflict between the adults in your house, see How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores.

How to handle screen time conflicts, by Tendency

For Upholders, say: “You’re welcome to watch a show once your homework is done. You’ll enjoy it much more when your other responsibilities are finished. Let me know when you’ve turned everything in.” Avoid repeated reminders. An Upholder has already registered the expectation, and reminding only adds pressure.
For Questioners, say this: “Research shows that screens right before bed make it harder to fall asleep, and you’ve got a test tomorrow. Put the phone in the kitchen after dinner tonight.” Avoid making a hard rule without providing the logic behind it.
For Obligers, say this: “Let’s both put our phones in the basket during dinner. I need the help sticking to it as much as you do.” Avoid guilt trips like “You’re spending too much time on your phone. You need to do a better job of monitoring your screen time.”
For Rebels, say this: “I bet you can’t go two hours without looking at your phone.” Avoid threats like “If I see you checking your phone during dinner one more time, I’m taking it away.”

How to Be Fair When Your Children Have Different Tendencies

Pick your battles. If your Questioner child asks, “Why should I make my bed every morning, if I just unmake it every night,” you might answer, “Fine, don’t make it.”

If you have more than one child, be fair. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much; with Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal. But that’s not fair. Nevertheless…

Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive when given supervision and deadlines. A Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. You might let an Upholder child look after himself or herself without much oversight. A Questioner child might need you to make sure that he or she hasn’t decided that certain assignments were optional.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Four Tendencies and Parenting

Can a child’s Tendency change as they grow up?

In my observation, we bring our Tendency into the world with us, but our upbringing, context, and experience can dramatically shape the expression of our Tendency.

At what age can you identify a child’s Tendency?

It’s often possible to spot a child’s Tendency from a very young age. It isn’t always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are—a five-year-old doesn’t get many chances to set and meet an inner expectation. But once you know what to look for, it’s not hard. If you’re unsure, an older child can take the free Four Tendencies quiz.

Is one Tendency better for a child than another?

No. Every Tendency has strengths and weaknesses, and every Tendency can achieve what it sets out to do. An Upholder’s self-direction comes with a rigidity that can make small disruptions painful. A Rebel’s resistance to being managed comes with a real capacity to do anything they decide they want to do. You can’t change a child from one Tendency to another—instead, make it your goal to find the best approach for the child you actually have.

Does being fair mean treating all my children the same way?

No. Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive with supervision and deadlines; a Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. Handing both children the identical chore chart isn’t fair—it just guarantees one of them fails.

Why do I end up giving more chores to my Obliger and Upholder children?

Because they say yes. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to be more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much. With Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal—so we route around them. But that’s not fair.

What do I do if my Rebel child refuses to do homework?

Stop reminding. When you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they’ll do it. Instead, offer choice (“Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork—you decide what, when, where, and how”), appeal to their identity, or use information-consequence-choice: give the facts, name the consequence, and hand over the decision. And as painful as it is to watch, Rebel children need to be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices.

Want more parenting resources?

Want more to read more about the Four Tendencies?

Want to listen to a discussion of the Four Tendencies on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast?

Bonus episode: A deep dive into the “Four Tendencies” personality framework.

The post Want to Be a Happier Parent? My “Four Tendencies” Personality Framework May Help. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores: 13 Strategies for Couples

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 18:24:53 +0000

An earlier version of this post appeared April 4, 2020

I’ve written before about the challenge of shared work. It’s tough to share tasks without resentment.

And it’s a particular problem whenever a household’s rhythm changes due to a move, a new baby, a shift to working from home, or a stretch when everyone’s suddenly around more than usual.

Dividing household work causes a lot of conflicts in couples—who’s doing what, and is everyone doing their share of the household chores? Here are some principles to keep in mind.

13 suggestions for managing household chore conflict

1. Have an explicit discussion about expectations.

You may not agree with each other, but you should talk about the fact that you don’t agree. Fuming silently when someone doesn’t unload the dishwasher isn’t helpful; that person may be oblivious to the fact that you expected them to do it.

It’s especially important to have this discussion during any major shift in your family’s routine. For instance, during the summer your household might have more dirty dishes, or more general mess, because everyone’s home all the time.

In particular, work related to children may be look very different during a big transition. Depending on your circumstances, you may need to figure out an entirely new way of divvying up work related to kids.

2. Just because something’s important to you doesn’t mean that it’s important to someone else.

You may value a clean kitchen; a messy kitchen doesn’t bother your sweetheart. Which means…

3. Because people are more likely to do work that they value, assign chores accordingly.

If you care about a clean kitchen, make that your job. If your partner hates a grubby bathroom, bathroom-cleaning should be that person’s job.

4. Watch out for “unconscious overclaiming.”

In unconscious overclaiming, we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to others. This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. Studies showed that when spouses estimated what percentage of housework each performed, the percentages added up to more than 120 percent.

It’s easy to think “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” but ignore all the tasks you don’t do. And maybe others don’t think that task is as important as you do, anyway.

Also, work done by other people sounds easy. How hard is it to walk the dog for a few blocks? Remind the kids to do their homework? Take out the trash? It sounds easy, when you’re not the one doing it.

Be sure to recognize how others contribute.

5. If you don’t want to do a task, don’t do it yourself.

This sounds so obvious, but people often don’t observe this principle! If you keep doing a task, why would someone else start? Leave it undone. Don’t prepare lunch for your spouse and your two teenagers. Of course, this means that the task is most likely to be done by the person who cares most, so be strategic. It’s true that some tasks must be done; on the other hand…

6. Some tasks don’t need to be done.

There’s no law requiring that we make our beds, hang up our clothes, put away the kids’ toys every night. If you’re in a period where life feels overloaded, you may want to change your usual standards, for harmony’s sake. This is hard for people like me: for me, outer order contributes to inner calm. But different people feel differently.

7. Don’t criticize the way people do their chores.

If you want it done your way and in your time frame, do it yourself. Maybe you like the laundry to be done frequently, but your sweetheart thinks it’s more efficient to wait, and then do many loads in the same day. If the laundry is that person’s job, that person gets to do it in their own way. (It must be noted, however, that some people use deliberate incompetence—sometimes called weaponized incompetence—to try to shirk, which is very annoying.)

8. Praise the person who sets the assignments.

It takes energy and effort to say, “We need to clean the kitchen” or “The laundry pile is too high” or “Time to take out the trash.” Praise the person who makes the chore chart, who gives reminders, who’s nudging other family members along. Except for the truly clutter-blind (and such folks do exist–my sister Elizabeth is among them), most people do prefer to be in an environment that has benefited from a lot of housework. This is sometimes called the “mental load” of running a household—the invisible work of planning and tracking, as opposed to tackling the physical tasks.

9. Recognize differences.

We all deal with negative emotions differently. Under stress, my urge (as an Upholder, see below) is to become more scheduled, more regular in my routine, more strict with my habits, more orderly—I find discipline to be comforting and energizing. By contrast, many people find comfort in lowering expectations and relaxing routines; they’re easier in their minds when they go easier on themselves.

It’s helpful to remember that a household clash might be arising out of different coping systems. One person is tightening up while another person is loosening up.

10. If people aren’t doing their part, consider their Tendency:

Upholders — Make expectations very explicit.
Questioners — Explain why you want something done. “Because I want it done” or “Because we have to” isn’t a good reason. Good reason: “We just moved to a new house and a new city, and we want the kids to feel like our little world is safe and predictable. We’ll help them by making our household feel orderly, with the laundry getting done, meals eaten at regular times, etc. If our household feels chaotic, they’re going to feel more anxious and unsettled.”
Questioners are interested in efficiency, so discuss how systems could be made more efficient. They are also often interested in fairness, but they need facts, so calculate how much time you’re spending on chores vs. how much time your partner is spending on chores.
Obligers — Provide outer accountability. Note that sweethearts often don’t count as “outer” accountability, so don’t try to hold your partner accountable yourself. Try accountability systems like chore charts, scheduling, everyone in the household doing chores at the same time, the duty to be a role model, the duty to a future-self, keeping the house nice for others.
Rebels — Give freedom and choice. Let them do their work in their own way, in their own time—which is harder than it sounds. Note, they will sometimes choose to do something out of love for you. They want to live up to their identity: a loving parent, a thoughtful citizen, a responsible family member. Don’t remind, nag, or give helpful reminders—you may ignite the spirit of resistance.

Don’t know about my “Four Tendencies” personality framework? To find out if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel, take the free, quick quiz here. More than 3.5 million people have taken it.

11. Make a joke of it.

A little humor goes a long way. Can you find a funny way to make your point? Can you poke fun at yourself, while still saying what you need to say? During the COVID-19 lockdowns—obviously a major disruption to everyone’s routine—I told my family that my mantra was “Put away my clipboard” as a way to make fun of myself and my urge to hustle everyone along. Now I can say, “I’m sorry, I can’t resist pulling out my clipboard to point out that you haven’t put away those clothes yet.”

12. Remember that the only person we can change is ourselves.

We can’t control other people, we can’t change what they do. But it’s also true that when I change, a relationship changes; when I change, the atmosphere of my household changes; when I change, others may imitate me. So sometimes we can bring about larger change, just by changing what we do ourselves. This was one of the most important lessons I learned while writing The Happiness Project.

13. Remember love.

Stressful seasons test a household. A job loss, illness, a new baby, or other change can leave a family feeling stretched thin. During a time like this, it’s important to remember love.

If we can overlook a neglected chore, maybe this is the time.
If we can perform a chore that’s important to someone else even though we think it’s pointless and unnecessary, maybe this is the time.
When someone asks for help, maybe this is the time to jump up and say “Sure, what do you want me to do?” instead of muttering “I’ll do it later” while continuing to scroll through email.
Maybe this is the time to let go of things that would ordinarily bother us.

As Henri-Frederic Amiel wrote in his Journal Intime: “Life is short, and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind!”

The post How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores: 13 Strategies for Couples appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

This Summer, Design a Daily Recess: 7 Ways to Have More Fun

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 18:31:56 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared June 19, 2023

Toward the end of summer, have you ever felt that you wished you’d done more with those months?

Life feels richer and more memorable when each season of the year feels special in some way.

One way we can make this summer distinctive? Give ourselves recess: a daily, unstructured, creative time of play.

Research shows that children are far better able to sit still, focus, and learn when they’ve had the exercise, sunlight, freedom, and fun of recess.

The same is true for adults. To keep going, we need to let ourselves stop. We need regular breaks that are unstructured, exploratory, creative, adventurous, and playful.

Unless they work in a school setting, most adults don’t get a summer break–but that doesn’t mean we can’t use the long days to incorporate play into our day-to-day routine. This summer, consider giving yourself a daily break (even ten minutes) to rest, create, explore, or goof off.

Why adults need a summer recess

Why design a summer recess? For one thing, taking time each day to recharge boosts vitality, energy, and creativity. Recess is also a way to make the most of your summer, and to help the season stand out. But to design a summer recess, you have to know what activities are fun for you—and that can be surprisingly hard to do. Perhaps that’s why so many people end up scrolling when they find themselves with a bit of downtime.

The eight play personalities

Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, has identified eight “play personalities.” These categories help illustrate an important truth about happiness: What’s fun for others might not be fun for you, and vice versa.

Some people love to move (The Kinisthete). Some want to make others laugh (The Joker). Some find joy in planning and executing experiences (The Director). Some delight in imagining worlds (The Storyteller).

Keeping the play personalities in mind is helpful when making summer plans with others. And before you design your recess, give yourself permission to drop activities that “should” be fun in favor of things that actually feel restorative.

Seven summer recess ideas to try

Before you can design a summer recess that’s right for you, you’ll need to decide what kind of play you want to incorporate. Which style of play appeals to you most:

Use your hands. Spend your recess creating or reworking something. Cook a meal, fix a broken object, decorate an area of your home or work space, play around with paints or clay.
Explore movement. Use your recess to explore a form of movement that’s fun for you. This could mean swimming in a community pool, playing pickleball with a friend, stretching to some soothing music, or kicking a soccer ball around with your kids in the front yard or a local park.
Fire up your imagination. Use your imagination to write a story, poem, or note to a friend. Or, immerse yourself in a different world by watching a TV show or reading a novel.
Go outside. Spend your recess enjoying the summer weather and your natural surroundings. Water your plants, take a short walk, or eat a meal outdoors.
Return to a childhood activity. Return to an activity you enjoyed as a child. What did you do for fun when you were ten years old? That’s probably something you’d still enjoy now, whether walking in the woods, playing with your dog, collecting shells, taking pictures, or shooting hoops.
Goof off. Schedule time to be unscheduled. Sit in the sun, stare into space, nap.
Tap in to your senses. To get out of your head and into your body, use your recess to enjoy the sensations of summer. Eat a peach, smell the fresh-cut grass, float in cool water, listen for the tune of an ice cream truck, or look for shapes in the clouds.

How to design your daily recess

If you decide to create a summer recess, reflect on what’s truly fun for you—the activities that feel energizing or restorative.

Then, make a plan. Decide how your daily recess will look, when it will take place, and for how long. Do you need accountability, specific tools, or an alarm? Maybe all you need is a sticky note on your bathroom mirror reminding you to make time for play.

Ready to Design a Happier Summer?

The Happier app offers a variety of tools that make designing your summer practical, fun, and concrete. If you’re not sure where to start, choose a prompt that resonates with you and build from there.

Free • iOS & Android

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How to Review Your Mid-Year Goals: Lessons Learned from Halfway Day

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2026 21:55:34 +0000

Key Takeaways for Mid-Year Goal Reviews–also known as “Halfway Day”:

Strategic quitting: Give yourself permission to abandon goals that no longer serve you.
Self-compassion: If you mess up, cut yourself some slack. People who show themselves some grace are better at returning to a habit to try again..
Focus on progress: Celebrate your “ta-da” moments instead of focusing solely on your “to-do” list.
Gamification: Use games, whimsy, and other design changes to make your habits more engaging–for instance, use a habit bingo card.

An earlier version of this article appeared July 11, 2023

July 2 is Halfway Day.

We’re halfway through the year, which is a good time to evaluate our progress–which will look different for everyone. For some people, it might mean checking off items on their “26 for 26 list” in their 2026 Happiness Trifecta. For others, it might mean progress toward a specific aim.

It’s important to celebrate our accomplishments—and also to notice what doesn’t work. Halfway Day is a great time to reflect on our aims and to adjust our approach.

Also, because we can all learn from each other, it’s helpful to consider other people’s observations about their progress.

Lessons for Halfway Day:

1. Be willing to let go of a goal

As I write about in my book Outer Order, Inner Calm, one way to complete an aim is to abandon it:

@organisingqueen: “I abandoned one (go outside 23 mins in 2023) because I was swept up in new-year energy. If you know me at all, you’ll know my body does not respond well to being outside (heat headaches and the like)”

2. Give yourself breaks and flexibility

To keep going, sometimes we have to allow ourselves to stop:

Bonnie B.: “My main goal was to paint every day, and to give myself grace if I couldn’t because then I got in a spiral, and it went on for days. So far, I’m doing great!”

3. Focus on the “ta-da” list as well as the to-do list

It’s easy to focus on the to-do and forget the ta-da. We should give ourselves credit for everything we’ve done:

@katenack: “I’ve finished 16 out of 23 on my list. I might have gone too easy on myself with my list this year but feels good to be that far along.”

4. Gamify a hard task, or make it more convenient

When we find ways to make tasks more fun, more convenient, or more pleasant—for instance, in ways that I explore in my book Life in Five Senses–we’re more likely to stick to them:

Bailee S.: “I realized I hadn’t been very engaged with my 23 for 23 list, so I reevaluated what I had on it and created a 2023 bingo card instead!”

How are you doing on your aims for 2026? I must confess, I’ve completed less than half of the items on my “26 in 26 list,” but hey, I’ve still got almost six months to go.

Frequently asked questions about Halfway Day

Here are answers to some of the questions readers and listeners most often ask me about Halfway Day.

What is Halfway Day?

Halfway Day falls on July 2 (or July 1 in a leap year) and marks the midpoint of the calendar year. It’s an ideal milestone to audit your personal aims, habits, and resolutions.

Is it ok to change your goals halfway through the year?

Yes! Sticking to a goal that doesn’t serve you won’t make you happier. Changing, pausing, or strategically quitting a goal frees you to put your energy toward aims that contribute to your happiness.

How do you get a failed resolution back on track?

To reset a goal mid-year, focus on convenience and enjoyment. Celebrate what you have already accomplished (your “ta-da” list), and look for ways to make it easier and more enjoyable to make progress.

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How to Be a Happier, Calmer Parent: 16 Things to Try Instead of Yelling

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 17:01:37 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared May 8, 2024

One of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up,” and I have a lot of resolutions aimed at trying to be a more lighthearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there.

If you’ve been looking for ways to stop yelling at your kids, cut back on nagging, and become a calmer, happier parent, here are 16 strategies I’ve used — first when my daughters were small, then again when they became teenagers.

Why we yell at our kids, even when we don’t want to

Yelling and nagging may seem effective in the moment (“I’m getting them to put on their shoes!”), but the cost is tension, sulking, and guilt. When a parent is stressed, low on sleep, or otherwise depleted, they may be even more prone to reacting harshly to normal kid behavior and boundary-pushing. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is to treat yourself like a toddler: Don’t let yourself get too hungry or tired, go outside, move your body. Easier said than done, but it makes a real difference.

Tips for Young Children:

Here are suggestions I followed when my children were younger (and most of them I still try to follow, even now):

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

3. Get enough sleep yourself. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But morning comes fast. Along the same lines…

4. Wake up before your kids. That means I can get myself organized, check my email, and get some work done before they get up.

5. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.”

6. Look for little ways to celebrate. My “holiday breakfasts” and April’s Fool Day pranks are a big source of happiness. They’re quick, fun, and everyone gets a big kick out of them.

7. Repetition works. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “Keep your hands to yourself”; “Answer the first time you’re asked”; “Ask first”; and “Stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt). I often use school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “Accidents will happen,” “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).

8. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

9. When I find myself thinking, “Yippee, soon we won’t have to deal with all these Legos,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. The days are long, but the years are short.

Tips for teenagers

Once my children became teenagers, I added more items to my list for lighthearted parenting:

10. Try to join one of their enthusiasms. If they love a TV show, watch it. If they love a sports team, follow it. If they love a type of music, listen to it. It will give you a shared interest—and show that you respect their opinion. I’ve watched New Girl and Claim to Fame because my daughters love those shows.

11. To reduce conflict, as much as possible, let them arrange their personal space to suit themselves, with whatever decorations or level of messiness they want. I’m a simplicity-lover, and my younger daughter is such an abundance-lover that it stresses me out. Oh, well!

12. Find the humor in situations as much as possible. (Which includes being willing to laugh at myself.)

13. Figure out whether your child is an Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, or a Rebel, and adapt your parenting style accordingly. Read more about the “Four Tendencies” personality framework here. If you want suggestions about how to apply the framework as a parent, look here.

14. Don’t take on the horrible job of rousting a teenager out of bed in the morning. Use technology or some other system.

15. Be quick to point out a child’s strengths and gifts. “You’re so resourceful,” “You have such an original imagination,” “I wish I had your ability to remember names and faces.”

16. Say hello and good-bye with genuine attention and warmth, and if possible, add a hug or some kind of physical touch. I’ve found that this is such a quick, easy way to add more tenderness and attentiveness to the atmosphere of my home.

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How to Design Your Summer

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Wed, 20 May 2026 19:16:33 +0000

Have you ever felt, toward the end of a summer, that you wished you’d done more with the season?

The writer Robertson Davies, put it well:

“Every man makes his own summer. The season has no character of its own, unless one is a farmer with a professional concern for the weather. Circumstances have not allowed me to make a good summer for myself this year…My summer has been overcast by my own heaviness of spirit. I have not had any adventures, and adventures are what make a summer.”

In other words, it’s up to us to make the most out of summer. A little intention goes a long way: a theme, a list of things you want to read and do and try, a sense of what you want the season to feel like. People sometimes worry that planning ruins spontaneity, but in my experience the opposite is true. When you know what you’re hoping for, you recognize the opportunities when they appear.

Here are some ways to design your summer.

Choose a theme

One of my favorite Design Your Year tools the one-word theme—a word that captures what you want out of the year. Your word can be anything meaningful to you: adventure, slow, family, bubbles, wiggle.

If you haven’t chosen a theme for the year, try choosing one for summer. If you do already have a theme, try giving it a summertime twist. When you’re making decisions about where to focus your time and energy, you ask yourself, “Does this choice reflect my theme?”

Make a bucket list

Planning ways to make your summer stand out doesn’t require a vacation or anything exotic. A list of specific things you want to do is enough. What do you want to read? Watch? Try? Record your list with the Design Your Summer worksheet or in the Happier app.

I like to build my summer reading list around a different theme each year. One year it was rereading—returning to books I’d loved. Another year it was tsundoku, the Japanese word for acquiring books and letting them pile up unread.

Pick a focus

Ask yourself: What do I want to do more of this summer? What do I want to do less of?

Answering those questions can point you toward an aim for the season. Getting outside, finishing a creative project, spending time with friends—whatever your aim, make it as specific as possible. “Go outside more” is hard to evaluate. Take a 20-minute walk before work on weekdays” is something you can hold yourself accountable to.

Keep in mind that summer can also present potential pitfalls and loopholes for maintaining good habits. Our schedules might change, we might go on vacation, our priorities for how we spend our time might change, we may be faced with temptation. The trick to staying on track? Decide ahead of time which habits you’d like to maintain, which you want to modify, and which you can take a break from (and give yourself a return date). You can also make planned exceptions—exceptions to a habit that you decide on ahead of time with specific limitations—to avoid feelings of deprivation or rigidity.

Leave room for play

For many of us, summer means good weather and more hours of sunlight, less structured schedules, time off from school or work. These weeks and months present an opportunity to break out of our normal routines and have adventures (whatever that means for us). Research shows that taking time each day to recharge boosts vitality, energy, and creativity—so take advantage of it while the season lasts.

Ready to Design a Happier Summer?

Free • iOS & Android

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The Hidden Happiness Habit: Why Getting Organized Feels Better Than a Vacation

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Tue, 12 May 2026 17:09:25 +0000

Note: This is a sponsored post in partnership with Inspired Closets. All reviews and opinions expressed in this post are based on my personal view.

For years, I’ve been fascinated by a simple but powerful truth: for most of us, outer order contributes to inner calm. More than it should. After all, in the context of a happy life, a crowded closet or a messy desk seems like a minor issue, but over time, that disorder weighs us down.

When I’m surrounded by a mess, I feel restless and unsettled. When I clean up that mess, I’m always surprised by the disproportionate energy and cheer I gain. A friend once told me, “I finally cleaned out my fridge, and now I know I can switch careers.” I knew exactly what she meant.

At home, at work, and in life, when we get control of our stuff, it often makes us feel more in control of our lives generally—and that shift makes a direct and meaningful difference to our happiness and wellbeing.

A new survey from Inspired Closets conducted by research firm Dynata, puts compelling data behind what I’ve long observed. The research surveyed over a thousand people about their relationship with organization—specifically closet organization—and how it affects their daily lives. The findings reveal how deeply organization is tied to mood, identity, relationships, and the quality of everyday life. Here are the findings I found most illuminating—and some tips for how to put them into practice.

Starting Small Can Have Big Payoffs

One of the most common reasons people stay stuck in disorganization isn’t laziness — it’s feeling overwhelmed. The prospect of tackling an entire closet feels so enormous that we do nothing. But I’ve found that starting with even one small, contained area—a single shelf, one drawer, a pile of shoes—creates a feeling of accomplishment that gives people the energy and confidence to continue.

In the hustle of daily life, shoes can be one of the most visible reminders of order (or disorder). For nearly half of survey respondents (48%), weekday mornings are when organization affects them most. A pile of disorganized shoes by the door, or a jumbled heap at the bottom of a closet, can make this time of day feel even more chaotic.

Tip: If you’re looking for a place to start, consider tackling your shoe area. Spending even just a few minutes so that shoes are displayed, paired, and accessible can create a sense of calm and control to start the day.

Tip: Do a ten-minute tidy-up. Choose a single shelf, a drawer, a pile of shoes—and spend just ten minutes bringing it to order. Don’t worry about the rest. Just finish that one thing, then pause and notice how you feel. That sense of deep satisfaction is often enough to make you want to keep going.

There’s No “Right Way” to Organize Your Space

Just as there is no “best” or “right” way to build a happy life, there is no “best” or “right” way to organize your home—only what works for you. When your space is designed to reflect how you actually live, it cuts down on the amount of effort, time, and decision-making required for your daily tasks. A system that gives everything a specific place makes it easier to know what you have and where it is, creating a better flow to your day and routine. Of the survey respondents who had organized their closets, more than 80% reported a transformation to their mood every time they used it. The emotional payoff of having a space that works for you, not against you, should not be underestimated.

Tip: Use the Strategy of Convenience to stay organized. The Strategy of Convenience is simple: make it easy to go right, and hard to go wrong. Look at where things pile up in your home—it’s a sign your setup isn’t matching how you actually live. When your space is designed around your daily routine, maintaining order stops feeling like a chore and starts happening almost automatically.

Our Spaces Tell a Story About Us

Nearly 60% of survey respondents reported feeling like disorganization influences how others perceive them. In my own experience, I find this to be true. When my space is in order, it relieves me of the fear of other people’s judgment. I’m more hospitable because I can invite people over without hours of preparatory cleaning. I feel more self-assured and capable because my surroundings reflect my true identity.

Tip: Walk through your home as if you were a stranger seeing it for the first time. With the detachment of a real estate agent, a house cleaner, or someone considering renting your space on Airbnb, it’s much easier to spot targets for clutter and disorganization.

Tip: Photograph your space to get greater perspective. Looking at a photograph, instead of your actual space, may help you evaluate it more clearly.

The Happiness Boost from Getting Organized Is Bigger Than You Think

About one in three people surveyed said the euphoria they feel after getting organized surpasses many other positive things in life—including rewarding themselves with a special treat (53.8%), going out for a nice meal (46.2%), receiving a birthday or holiday gift (32.7%), and even going on vacation (19.2%). This finding doesn’t surprise me—it confirms something I’ve observed in my own life for years—but I was fascinated to learn that this boost surpasses so many of the things we might expect to rank highest.

Tip: Treat yourself. When we give ourselves healthy treats, we feel energized, cared for, and contented, and that boost makes it easier to maintain our good habits. Many of our go-to treats, however, (the impulse splurge, the extra glass of wine) give a short-term lift followed by guilt. The next time you want to treat yourself, consider organizing something instead. A cleared drawer or a tidied shelf gives you the benefit without the crash—and unlike a meal out, it’s still working for you a week later.

You Don’t Have to Do it Alone

I’m a big believer that when something feels overwhelming, or you need help getting unstuck, bringing in someone who truly knows what they’re doing can make all the difference.

A design expert, like the team at Inspired Closets, doesn’t just solve the problem—they help uncover smarter ways to make your space function better than you imagined.

Tip: Hire an expert. This is one of my favorite strategies, if you have the means. Getting organized is one of the most practical investments you can make in your daily wellbeing. It removes the burden of figuring everything out yourself and lets you focus your energy where it actually counts.

Organization as a Happiness Strategy

What the survey confirms, in clear and quantifiable terms, is something I’ve believed for a long time: getting organized isn’t just a housekeeping task—it’s a strategy for living a happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative life. When we look at our stuff, we see a reflection of ourselves. We’re happier when that stuff is in good order because

that reflection influences the way we see ourselves. Once outer order emerges, we can take the opportunity to enjoy it, to experience the ease, space, and growth that come from inner calm.

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My Favorite Books About Parenting

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Mon, 11 May 2026 21:21:16 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared April 24, 2018

I’ve read many parenting books, but a few really stand out to me—in many cases, I’ve read these books several times.

One thing I’ve discovered is that when a parenting book is truly excellent, its advice is just as helpful for dealing with adults as with children. Children and adults are more alike than we sometimes assume. For instance, when I was researching habits for Better Than Before, my book about habit change, I did a fair amount of research on the design of pre-school and kindergarten routines.

So after reading these books about parenthood, I’ve applied much of what I learned to my adult relationships, with equal success.

I’ve grouped my recommendations into a few broad categories below, depending on what you’re looking for.

Books about communicating with kids (and adults)

These books focus on how to talk with children—and how to listen. As I’ve found, the lessons apply just as well to grown-ups.

1. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

How I love this book! It has helped me tremendously as a parent – and in every other aspect of my life. In fact, I probably think more about its lessons in the context of adult interactions that I do of child interactions. I’ve read it at least five times. It’s very wise, and it’s also a very fun read.

One of the most important lessons I learned from this book? Make people feel happier by acknowledging that they’re not feeling happy. When we acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings, they know they’re being heard. Instead of denying feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance, we do better to articulate the other person’s point of view. It turns out that when people’s bad feelings are acknowledged, those feelings dissipate more easily.

This was a giant revelation to me. It really, really works. If you’d like to read a post I wrote on this subject, it’s here.

2. I also love Faber & Mazlish’s book Siblings Without Rivalry.

Books about children’s social lives and friendships

Friendships, teasing, exclusion, group dynamics—children’s social lives can be one of the most interesting (and sometimes hardest) parts of parenting.

3. Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson.

I’m a giant raving fan of Michael Thompson’s work. It’s practical, realistic, and insightful, plus it’s written in a very engaging way.

Here’s a post I wrote about a passage from the book about why it’s a bad idea to “interview for pain.” Again, this principle is just as true for adults as for kids.

4. I also love Thompson’s book Mom, They’re Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems. If you want to hear “A Little Happier” episode where I talk about one of the most important lessons I gleaned from that book, it’s here.

Books about resilience, character, and money

These books tackle some of the bigger questions of raising kids: how to let them struggle, how to teach them about money, how to build character.

5. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel.

This is a very useful book that emphasizes why it’s important to let children make mistakes, suffer consequences, handle disappointment, and deal with boredom as part of their growing up. Harder than it sounds!

6. The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money by Ron Lieber.

This helpful book is very focused on a common challenge: How we can talk about money with our kids and instill good financial values and behaviors—so that children reach adulthood as “grounded, generous, and smart about money.”

Books with overall frameworks for parenting

Some parents want a single book that gives them a framework or philosophy for the whole job. These three are good options.

7. Practical Wisdom for Parents: Raising Self-Confident Children in the Preschool Years by Nancy Schulman and Ellen Birnbaum.

I love this book, in part because it’s a terrific book and in part because it was written by two people whom I really like and respect. In fact, as I describe in my book The Happiness Project, I played a small role in the book’s inception. (You can also read that story here.)

If you want to listen to a two-minute episode of “A Little Happier” where I describe one of the many wise things that Nancy Schulman said to me, it’s here.

8. Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

“Dr. Becky’s” approach is really resonating with people. One of the things that I particularly appreciate about this book is that it deals straightforwardly with many of the challenges of parenting. For instance, there’s a chapter on whining. (And the discussion applies just as well to whiny adults as whiny children.)

9. The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans by Aliza Pressman.

One of the most important things I’ve learned about happiness? There’s no one right way, there’s no single best way to make our lives happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative. So I really appreciate Aliza Pressman’s approach, because she argues that “there’s no one ‘right’ way to raise good humans”—and yet these five principles can be our guide.

A book about what parenthood does to parents

For one thing, this is one of my all-time favorite titles. I love that paradox.

10. All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior.

Unlike the other books in this list, this thought-provoking book isn’t a guide about parenting; it’s about the effect that having children has on the lives of mothers and fathers. Which is a fascinating topic.

A book for parents of grown (or nearly grown) children

Parenting doesn’t end when kids leave the house. This book has been particularly useful in my own life.

11. The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay.

True, this book has a somewhat terrifying title, but it’s very useful. A listener suggested it to me, so I read it and loved it, and because it was lying around the apartment, my older daughter, Eliza, read it, too. She found it extremely helpful, recommended it to her friends, and just told me last week that she often thinks about it. So I just gave Eliza the new book by Meg Jay, The Twentysomething Treatment.

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Secret of Adulthood: The Days Are Long, But the Years Are Short

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Wed, 29 Apr 2026 02:49:10 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared May 27, 2014

In all the time I’ve spent studying happiness, habits, and human nature, this one sentence has reached people more than anything else I’ve written: The days are long, but the years are short.

If you’ve heard this line somewhere and wondered where it came from, here I tell the story of a daily ride on the city bus, my daughter Eliza, and an ordinary dog on a leash.

As we rode that bus to school, it hit me: this bus ride was it. This was parenthood. This was the childhood of my darling girl. This was life itself. And I was frittering the time away.

From then on, every morning I thought, “Thank goodness, another chance to ride the bus.” I’ve returned to this realization this at different points in Eliza’s life — when she went to her junior prom, when she graduated from high school, when I dropped her at college. The days are long, but the years are short.

The phrase has spread in ways I didn’t anticipate. It circulates in parenting communities, on LinkedIn, in retirement speeches, in grief writing. It even popped up on the Netflix show Queer Eye. Often it shows up without my name attached, which is a sign of a good aphorism. It gives words to a truth that many people have recognized for themselves.

This line is one of my “Secrets of Adulthood” — the kind of truth that we usually learn through hard experience. I’ve been collecting and writing them for years, and I recently gathered them into a book: Secrets of Adulthood: Simple Truths for Our Complex Lives. But this one — about the bus, about Eliza, about the dog on the leash — is one that means the most to me.

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