Gretchen Rubin

How to Find the Right Exercise Routine for You

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 19 Mar 2026 22:30:44 +0000

An earlier version of this post appeared on January 30, 2013

Want an exercise routine you’ll stick to? Ask yourself these eleven questions.

When I ask people what they’d like to do for their own happiness projects, they often say something like, “Exercise more regularly.” Exercise is very important for health and mood, and everyone knows this—and yet it’s often tough for people to stick to an exercise routine.

I think that one mistake is to choose a form of exercise based on a) what your friend recommends, b) what kind of change to your body you want to see, or c) what is the fashionable form of exercise. It’s helpful to consider these factors, but in the end, we’re far more likely to stick with an exercise routine that suits our nature and our schedule. If you strugglw to exercise regularly, this is not the place to fight your nature! If you’ve been a night person all your life, vowing to get up at 5:00 a.m. to run isn’t very realistic.

11 Questions to Help You Find the Right Exercise Routine

Work through these questions honestly. When you’re done, you’ll have a much clearer picture of what kind of routine is actually built for you.

1. Are you a morning person or a night person?

Morning exercisers tend to have fewer scheduling conflicts—nothing comes up at 6 a.m.—but if you’re not functional until 10, morning workouts will always feel like punishment. Night people often do better with after-work classes or evening walks.

2. Would you like to spend more time in nature?

If the answer is yes, then outdoor exercise like running a trail, hiking, or walking in a park satisfies both your movement goal and your desire for fresh air and open space. For some people, this is what makes the habit finally stick.

3. Would you like more time in solitude; or more time with friends; or more time to meet new people?

Exercise can be deeply social or deeply private, and the right version depends on what you’re missing in the rest of your day. If your job is all meetings and people, solitary exercise might feel like relief. If you work alone all day, a group class might be exactly the connection you need.

4. Are you motivated by competition?

How do you feel about competing against others or against your own personal bests? If you love it, lean into it: races, team sports, fitness challenges, apps that track personal records. If competition makes you feel anxious or deflated rather than motivated, skip it.

5. Do you enjoy loud music?

This sounds minor, but if you light up with a high-energy playlist, a spin class or a solo run with headphones might be ideal. If loud music feels overwhelming or you’d rather think while you move, that points toward something quieter—swimming, yoga, walking.

6. Do you do better with some form of external accountability, or does that just annoy you?

If you need accountability, try signing up for a class, hiring a trainer, or schedule workouts with a friend. If external accountability makes you feel controlled or resentful, it’ll backfire.

7. Would you like to challenge yourself with exercise (whether by learning a new skill or pushing yourself physically)—or not?

For some people, the appeal of exercise is mastery: getting better at something, learning a new movement, seeing measurable progress. For others, exercise is maintenance, not ambition—they want it to be reliable and low-drama, not a constant challenge.

8. Do you like sports and games?

If you do, recreational leagues, pickup games, tennis, pickleball, and similar activities can make exercise feel like play rather than obligation.

9. Would you like more meditative time, or more time to watch TV, read newspapers, etc?

Choose activities you can pair with things you already want to do: A long walk can be thinking time, podcast time, or audiobook time. Binge watch your favorite show on the treadmill.

10. Do you have a lot of control over your time?

If your schedule is unpredictable, classes or training appointments that require you to be somewhere at a certain time are likely to become a source of stress. But if you have a looser schedule, structure can be helpful.

11. Are you sensitive to weather?

If a cold, rainy morning reliably kills your motivation to exercise outdoors, that’s useful information. Plan around it with an indoor alternative rather than counting on willpower to override your preferences every winter.

Creating an exercise plan that sticks

Your answers should guide your thinking about exercise. Work out with a trainer? Take a class? Be inside or outside? etc.

For instance, if you’re a morning person who craves solitude and time alone with your thoughts, but has little control over your schedule and hates feeling accountable to anyone, you might enjoy walking in a park every morning before you leave for work.

If you’re a night person who loves music and meeting new people, and is also motivated by accountability, you might like to take a dance-based exercise class after work.

Often, people will say, “Go for a twenty minute walk at lunch? That’s nothing. I really need to get in shape.” Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! The twenty minute walk you take is so much better for you than the three mile run you never do. You get the biggest health boost going from no exercise to some exercise.

Just a little tweak in a routine sometimes makes a big difference. For instance, to exercise on the weekends, I go for a long walk. Years ago, I found myself getting bored on the long walks—and so finding excuses to skip them.

One of my Twelve Personal Commandments is to Identify the problem. What was the problem? “I’m bored during these walks, so I don’t want to go.” For the first time, I bought myself an audiobook, and listened to The Golden Compass when I walked. I loved it! These days, I usually listen to podcasts. My desire to listen makes it much easier to walk.

How about you? What aspects of your nature and your schedule make it easier–or harder–to stick to an exercise routine? What works for you?

The post How to Find the Right Exercise Routine for You appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

The Strategy of Clarity: How to Make Sure Your Habits Match Your Goals

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 10:29:37 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on October 15, 2015

Of all the strategies for habit formation I’ve explored, the Strategy of Clarity took me the longest to fully appreciate. It seems almost too simple. But once I understood how much work it was actually doing, I couldn’t stop seeing it everywhere.

Habits are the invisible architecture of everyday life, and a significant element of happiness. If we have habits that work for us, we’re much more likely to be happy, healthy, productive, and creative.

My book, Better Than Before (can’t resist adding, bestseller) describes the multiple strategies we can exploit to change our habits.

I spend a lot of time thinking about questions such as, “How do we change?” “Why is it so hard to make ourselves do things that we want to do?” ( for instance, why is it so hard to make myself go to bed?) and “How can we stick to our resolutions?“

I realize now that a big challenge is clarity. Often, if there’s something that I want to do, but somehow can’t get myself to do, it’s because I don’t have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence–I want to do something, but I don’t want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it.

Lack of clarity, and the paralysis that ensues, seems to be common. Here’s a list of aims in conflict that I’ve heard. Do any ring a bell for you?

I want to give 110% to work. I want to give 110% to my family.
I want to work on my novel. I want to exercise.
I want to spend less time in the car. I want my children to participate in many after-school activities.
Making money is not important. Making money is important.
I want to be very accessible to other people. I want time alone to think and work.
I want to be a polite guest. I want to avoid sugar.
I want leisure time when I come home from work. I want to live in a house that’s clean and well-run.

Have you experienced this — a paralysis that comes from conflicting values?

Research bears this out: when we have conflicting goals, we don’t manage ourselves well. We become anxious or paralyzed, and we often end up doing nothing. This is where the Strategy of Clarity comes in.

What is the Strategy of Clarity?

The Strategy of Clarity means being crystal clear — with yourself and others — about what you’re trying to achieve and why. It eliminates the ambiguity that leads to stalling. When you can see the connection between a habit and the value it actually serves, following through becomes easier. The habit isn’t just a task on your list; it’s an expression of something is genuinely important to you.

How to use the Strategy of Clarity

The clearer I am about what I value, and what action I expect from myself — not what other people value or expect from me — the more likely I am to stick to my habits. Here are my three best tips:

Define your goal specifically. Vague aims are easy to sidestep. “I want to exercise more” gives you no clear standard for success or failure. “I want to do 30 minutes of cardio three times a week” does. Identify specific, quantifiable actions that will lead you to your goal.

Spend more time with my kids → Read to the kids every evening
Give back to my community → Volunteer at the public library once a month
Cut down on social media → Limit social media to 30 minutes per day

Identify your real “why.” Ask yourself why this habit matters to you — not why it should matter. Understanding the genuine motivation behind a habit is what gives it staying power.

One person in my Habits for Happiness course illustrated this well. She’d started with a “no added sugar” rule, then refined it to “no sugar unless pre-planned so you look back on it with pleasure.” But when she got very clear about her why — she wanted sugar to be a genuine social pleasure, not a coping mechanism for stress or boredom — she landed on her own rule: “Add sugar as you add people.” Dessert was fine as long as it was shared. No pre-planning required, but the habit was now anchored in something she actually valued.

Plan the details. Outline when, where, and how you’ll carry out the habit.

Review regularly. Our circumstances change, and our priorities can shift. Periodically asking yourself “Do I still care about this?” helps to make sure you’re working toward the right thing.

Especially important for Questioners. If you’re a Questioner (don’t know if you’re a Questioner? take my free, quick quiz here), the Strategy of Clarity is one of the most important strategies for you.

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What is Obliger-rebellion? Signs, causes, and how to handle it

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 05 Mar 2026 23:01:15 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on August 9, 2023

If you’re an Obliger, you readily meet work deadlines, requests from friends, and obligations to others, but you struggle to meet commitments you make to yourself. Obligers are responsible and reliable—an Obliger is the type of person that others know they an count on.

But every once in a while, an Obliger stops obliging. From the outside, it’s a baffling phenomenon.

In my book The Four Tendencies, I describe my personality framework that divides people into four “Tendencies”: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel. (You can identify your own Tendency with this free quiz.)

Discover Your Tendency

It’s easier to succeed when you know what works for you. Understand your Tendency to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively.

Here, I’m going to explore a very particular—and very important—pattern of behavior seen in Obligers: Obliger-rebellion.

It’s important to understand this phenomenon because 1) Obliger is the biggest group, for both men and women, so anything that affects Obligers affects many people and 2) while Obliger-rebellion can sometimes be positive force, it’s often quite destructive.

The behavior of someone in Obliger-rebellion can seem very mysterious–but once you understand the phenomenon, it’s very obvioust.

What is “Obliger-Rebellion?”

Obliger-rebellion is what happens when an Obliger has met, met, met, and met expectations—and then suddenly snaps.

When Obligers feel exploited, over-taxed, unappreciated, neglected, ignored, or disrespected, or when the weight of expectations feels unbearable, they begin to feel mounting anger and resentment. If expectations continue to press, the Obligers’ anger builds to the bursting point. Then they rebel.

This rebellion can be small and symbolic (refusing to answer someone’s emails, refusing to cook dinner for a week, being deliberately late for work) or it can be huge and fateful (ending a twenty-year friendship, quitting a job, getting a divorce).

To someone who hasn’t noticed the warning signs, Obliger-rebellion seems to come out of nowhere. But it never does. The resentment was there—it just wasn’t visible.

Warning signs of Obliger-rebellion:

Here are some warning signs that an Obliger is nearing their breaking point:

They act out of character—for instance, wasting time when they’re usually focused and productive
They observe of themselves, “I’m not myself, I’m acting out of character”
They seem listless and apathetic, without motivation or energy
They engage in self-sabotage—failing to prepare for an important interview, staying up late binge-watching TV during a busy stretch
They feel burdened by activities they usually enjoy, like organizing an office birthday party
They stop responding to even simple requests, like a text—they go “on strike”
They waste large amounts of time scrolling or browsing online
They feel physical constriction or discomfort: tight jaw, tense shoulders, stomach upset, bad headaches, back or neck pain, teeth grinding
They procrastinate on tasks they’d normally complete without hesitation
They become resentful, snappish, or curt
They isolate themselves, pull away, or go quiet—partly to protect themselves from additional expectations
They start thinking about escape, whether through fantasy (moving to an island, quitting everything) or actual preparation (polishing a resume, browsing job listings)

Signs that Obliger-rebellion has already started:

Once it tips over:

They explode, blow up, or snap
The anger seems disproportionate or out of the blue to anyone who missed the warning signs above
They refuse to meet responsibilities they’ve always handled
They make a dramatic announcement: they quit a job, end a relationship, or declare they’re done

What Obliger-rebellion looks like

Here are a few examples from real Obligers:

“I do things to deliberately push the envelope in breaking whatever rule annoys them.”

“After realizing that the workload in my household was way unbalanced, my resentment has sent my Obliger-self into full rebellion. I refuse to cook anything and just pick up take-out. This was accompanied by extreme fatigue, low mood, migraines, and zero desire to do ‘all the things.’ I probably need to find a better way to deal with all of this.”

“I’ve long suffered from ‘perceived’ obligations that eventually lead to resentment and obliger-rebellion. For example, when the in-laws visit, I feel an obligation (unspoken and truly not expected by my in-laws) to prepare gourmet breakfasts, home-cooked dinners, and in general to be the ultimate host. When these gestures go unnoticed, I feel resentful, turn mean, and rebellion ensures. Whether it’s meals, free babysitting, running errands, etc., I go the extra mile and then start feeling resentful as I am doing it. What is my problem? How can I reconcile these desires to serve others without resentment?”

Sometimes, Obliger-rebellion is aimed at the self. If Obligers don’t feel safe directing the rebellion outward, they may turn it inward.

This can look like self-sabotage. An Obliger refuses to prepare for an interview, when it really matters. An Obliger won’t complete schoolwork that could easily have been done.

It may emerge in the area of health. An Obliger refuses to exercise, even though exercise would help manage his back pain. An Obliger refuses to cut back on sugar, even though her diabetes is out of control.

The consequences fall directly on the Obliger, so this is a “safe” way to rebel (as compared to Obliger-rebellion at work, say, which might have significant consequences involving other people).

How to prevent Obliger-rebellion for yourself and others:

Here are some ways to take action or re-frame expectations to try to avoid Obliger-rebellion:

Remind the Obliger that to say “yes” to one person means saying “no” to others
Encourage everyone to speak up for Obligers—is work being unfairly divided? are a few people picking up the slack or the drudge work?
Keep a journal to identify patterns
Consider the “future-self”—”My future-self will be really angry that I agreed to accept this responsibility; I need to say no to protect my future-self”
Remember, “If I don’t do it, someone else gets the opportunity”
Think of the duty to be role model for others for setting boundaries, working reasonable hours, etc.
Ask, “Are these outer expectations real? Is anyone actually expecting me to do this—plan the icebreaker activity, host the holiday party—or am I assuming this?”
Remember that if you want to care for others, you have to care for yourself; as the cliche goes, put on your own oxygen mask first! Here’s a story I told about that challenge.

How to deal with Obliger-rebellion once it starts

In general, once it starts, Obliger-rebellion needs to run its course. During that time, if you’re an Obliger in rebellion, it can be helpful to:

Tell people that you feel overworked, unappreciated—or both!
Explain the phenomenon of Obliger-rebellion to others, so they understand why a puzzling behavior actually makes sense—you didn’t explode after one simple comment; that your resentment had been building for a long time
Keep a journal to identify responses and patterns
Take a vacation, turn off all devices for a weekend, play hooky—sometimes, to keep going, we have to allow ourselves to stop
Consult with a friend—do they think you should ask for a break, tell people “no,” etc? If they advise you to draw a boundary, ask them to hold you accountable for doing so

Frequently Asked Questions about Obliger-rebellion

Do Upholders, Questioners, or Rebels also experience their own form of Obliger-rebellion?

Some Upholders, particularly UPHOLDER/Obligers, sometimes experience Upholder-rebellion, but it’s far rarer. Upholders are usually good at drawing boundaries, taking time for rest, and saying “no,” because it’s so important to them to meet inner expectations.

Sometimes, too, Upholders may seem to rebel, when in fact they’ve decided that the rules have changed. For instance, one Upholder told me, “During the pandemic, I decided that every contract I had with myself was voided by force majeure and stopped doing everything.” So they are, in fact, meeting outer and inner expectations.

Questioners don’t fall into rebellion because they don’t do anything that doesn’t make sense to them, and Rebels don’t fall into rebellion, because they don’t do things they don’t want to do.

Can Obliger-rebellion lead to positive outcomes?

Absolutely! While it can sometimes have destructive effects, Obliger-rebellion is meant to be a constructive phenomenon—it’s the emergency parachute that allows an Obliger to escape from a situation where expectations are just too high.

Obliger-rebellion can allow someone can get out of a bad marriage, a bad job, or a bad relationship. If you want an example of how Obliger-rebellion might have saved someone, read The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro. If the main character Stevens had been an Obliger instead of an Upholder, Obliger-rebellion might have made his life much happier.

Here’s what one Obliger said:

Eleven years ago before I knew anything about the Four Tendencies, I quit my job of 19 years and left a 4 year toxic relationship. This happened in a span of a few months. I wanted to share the message that I don’t think every obliger rebellion is a bad one and perhaps trying to prevent them from happening is not always the best course of action. In my case, I went on to find a job that I love and also met the man who’s now my husband. If I had just continued obliging and tried to suppress what I was feeling, I would not be in the happy place that I am today.

What are some things not to say to someone in Obliger-rebellion?

“You need to learn to take better care of yourself.”
“Nobody asked you to do it, so why did you agree to it?”
“If something’s important to you, just do it.”
“I don’t want to help. If you want to do it, knock yourself out. But don’t expect me to play a part.”
“You just need to cut yourself some slack.”

I would love to see other examples of Obliger-rebellion. Can you point me anywhere?

Even if the creators aren’t aware of the term “Obliger-rebellion” or don’t know the Four Tendencies framework, it’s very common to see the Tendencies depicted in movies, TV, and books. Because people act according to these patterns all the time!

See if you can spot the pattern of Obliger-rebellion in these movies and novels:

It’s a Wonderful Life
27 Dresses
Kramer vs. Kramer
The Devil Wears Prada
My Struggle: Book Six by Karl Ove Knausgaard
Family Happiness by Laurie Colwin
Who Is Rich? by Matthew Klam (read my discussion)
Us by David Nicholls
Wayward by Dana Spiotta

Here’s a striking description of Obliger-rebellion from Who Is Rich?

I attempted to interpret my irrational action. Had I ever done this kind of thing before? No. A life in the arts requires vigilance and restraint. Was my behavior out of character? Yes, technically, and also terrifyingly, although it was possible that this was merely the culmination of a period of interior deadness and anger, that something had been building for months, or years, that the recent and ongoing stresses had pushed me over the edge.

If you’ve ever experienced or witnessed Obliger-rebellion, does this description ring true to you? How have you realized that Obliger-rebellion was brewing, and what have you done to handle it?

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Did the Four Tendencies Quiz Help You Decide If You’re Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Rebel?

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Fri, 27 Feb 2026 18:10:08 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared January 19, 2015

My Four Tendencies framework divides people into four types based on how they respond to expectations: Upholders meet both outer and inner expectations readily; Questioners meet expectations only if they have good reasons; Obligers meet outer expectations but struggle with inner ones; and Rebels resist all expectations, inner and outer alike.

I developed this framework as part of my research on habits for my book Better Than Before, and I’ve been gratified that so many thousands of people have taken the quiz to discover their own Tendency.

I’ve received so many fascinating comments and questions over the years that I thought this would be a good time to make some observations.

First, the quiz is meant to be a tool. It’s not infallible. Your evaluation of your own Tendency matters most. The particular questions, the particular wording of the questions, may lead to the incorrect answer for you. Use your own judgment.

As one reader pointed out, the quiz is helpful either because it tells you what you are, or because you disagree with the quiz, you figure out what you are instead!

Discover Your Tendency

It’s easier to succeed when you know what works for you. Understand your Tendency to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively.

Can you be a mix of two Tendencies?

Many people argue that they’re a mix of two Tendencies. This sounds sensible. And it also sounds sensible to think that “I’m X at home, and Y at work.” But from my observation, that’s not really true. Whenever I sit down with someone who says he or she is a mix, and put them through some questions, I find that (in my view), that person is actually firmly within one category.

Here are some common combinations, and why people think they’re a mix, and how you might think about it.

If you think you’re an Obliger/Rebel: There’s a very strong affinity between Rebels and Obligers. It’s very common for Obligers to experience “Obliger-rebellion,” a striking pattern in which every once in a while, they abruptly refuse to meet an expectation. As one Obliger explained, “Sometimes I ‘snap’ because I get tired of people making assumptions that I’ll always do things as expected. It’s sort of a rebellious way of asserting myself.” Another added, “I work very hard to keep my commitments to other people, but I’ll be darned if I can keep a promise to myself . . . Though every once in a while I will absolutely refuse to please.”

Obligers may also rebel in symbolic ways, with their hair, clothes, car, and the like. For instance, Andre Agassi is an Obliger, and in his memoir Open, he describes ways in which he would Obliger-rebel (though he doesn’t use that term, of course).

If you think you’re a Questioner/Upholder or Questioner/Rebel: Questioners come in two flavors: some Questioners lean toward Upholder, and others lean toward Rebel (like being “Virgo with Scorpio rising”). For instance, my husband questions everything, but it’s not too hard to persuade him to uphold; other Questioners ask so many question that they’re practically Rebels, because it’s so hard to convince them to do anything. But they act from a questioning spirit, not a rebelling spirit.

If you think you’re an Upholder/Obliger: Upholders and Obligers share a tendency to meet outer expectations, so in that way, they are indeed very much the same. The key difference is: Can you meet an expectation you impose on yourself, that no one else knows or cares about? If you struggle to meet those expectations, you’re an Obliger. It’s true that some Obligers have such a wide sense of external expectation that it almost looks like an inner expectation: “I have to do this because ‘they’ say I have to” when the “they” is society at large; or “this is what people have to do do.” Nevertheless, in my framework, they’re responding to an outer expectation. Very few people are Upholders; many, many people are Obligers.

You can’t discern Tendency from the outside

An important note: It’s not possible to discern people’s Tendencies from looking at their external behavior; it’s also necessary to understand their reasoning. For instance, one Obliger told me, “I’m an Obliger. I looked like a Rebel in college, but I was doing exactly the rebellious things that my friends expected of me.” A friend said, “I’m a Questioner. But I’ve had a lot of experiences where the rules were so stupid that I looked like a Rebel, because I refused to do what anyone asks me.”

Also, there’s an enormous range of personality, even among people who share the same Tendency. Some people are more or less considerate than others, or ambitious, or conscientious, or judgmental, or controlling, or thrill-seeking. These qualities dramatically influence how they express their Tendencies. A Rebel who wants to be a successful business leader will behave differently from one who doesn’t care much about work. A Questioner who is very thoughtful will have different habits from one who doesn’t worry much about other people’s comfort or concerns. I have an Obliger friend who is tremendously analytical and intellectually curious. So she questions everything…but when it comes to what she does, she’s an Obliger.

Remember, too, this framework has to do with how we meet an expectation, not a requirement. When we must do something, we do it—even Rebels. My Rebel friend started wearing his seat-belt after he got two huge fines. An Obliger might quit smoking, on her own. No one wants to get fired.

Whatever our Tendency, we all share a desire for autonomy. If our feeling of being controlled by others becomes too strong, it can trigger the phenomenon of “reactance,” a resistance to something that’s experienced as a threat to our freedom or our ability to choose. If we’re ordered to do something, we may resist it—even if it’s something that we might otherwise want to do.

And no one likes to be asked to do something arbitrary or irrational. The desire to know why we should do something, to have justifications for our efforts, is natural. The fact that you question whether you should have to do something that seems senseless doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a Questioner. Again, what matters is what we do, and why we do it.

Can you change your Four Tendencies type?

From what I’ve observed, our Tendencies are hardwired, and while they can be offset to some degree, they can’t be changed.

Yet whatever our Tendency, with greater experience and maturity, we can learn to counterbalance its negative aspects. As an Upholder, for instance, I’ve learned to resist my first inclination to meet an expectation unthinkingly, and to ask, “Why am I meeting this expectation, anyway?” Questioners learn to put a limit on their questioning; Obligers figure out how to give themselves external accountability; Rebels choose to do things because they’ve learned the consequences of not doing them, or out of consideration for others.

Learning to make the best of our own nature is wisdom.

The post Did the Four Tendencies Quiz Help You Decide If You’re Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Rebel? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

How to change habits based on your Four Tendencies type

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 19 Feb 2026 23:36:31 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on July 11, 2017

Do you want to make a significant change in your life? Or help someone else to make an important change?

Often, this means changing a habit (get more sleep, quit sugar, exercise regularly, spend more time in nature, put down devices). Habits are like the invisible architecture of daily life — research suggests that about 40% of our existence is shaped by our habits.

In my book Better Than Before, I identify the 21 strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. Sometimes people get a bit freaked out that there are so many strategies to choose from—but it’s helpful that so many exist. Because some strategies work very well for some people, and not for others, and some strategies are available to us at certain times in our lives, but not at other times.

The most important point? There is no magic, one-size-fits-all solution to changing habits. It turns out that it’s not that hard to change your habits—when you do it in the way that’s right for you.

To change your habits, it’s crucial to identify your Tendency. My Four Tendencies framework divides people into four types based on how they respond to expectations — both outer expectations (from other people) and inner expectations (from themselves): Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels.

Don’t know your Tendency? Take the quiz here.

Note: While many strategies work for just about everybody (Convenience, Inconvenience, Foundation, Clean Slate, Lightning Bolt), some strategies that work very well for one Tendency can actually be counter-productive for another.

Habit strategies for Upholders: Structure is your friend

Upholders readily meet both outer and inner expectations — which makes them well-suited to habit formation. Once they’ve decided to adopt a habit, they can generally stick with it. They appreciate rules, routines, and clear expectations, and they don’t like letting others down, including themselves.

What works for Upholders:

Strategy of Scheduling (most important for Upholders)

The Strategy of Scheduling is a powerful tool for Upholders. They love to keep a schedule and march through every item. Whatever appears on the calendar—go to the gym on Monday and Thursday, write 1,000 words every day, goof off—gets done. They can make time for every person and activity they value, by putting it on the calendar.

Strategy of Clarity

When Upholders know clearly what’s expected, they can generally meet that expectations. Very, very important to remember: Upholders can meet inner expectations, but only when those inner expectations are articulated.

Strategy of Monitoring

Upholders do well with the Strategy of Monitoring, because they tend to love to-do lists with items to check off. Monitoring plays to this inclination: “I intend to walk 10,000 steps today, and look, my monitor says I hit that number.”

Strategy of Pairing

Upholders can make good use of the Strategy of Pairing, because it’s easy for them to enforce the pairing rule on themselves. If an Upholder gets himself to go to the gym by pairing, “I can only shave on a day when I’ve gone to the gym,” he won’t have any trouble holding himself to that pairing.

What to watch out for:

Because Upholders can take advantage of just about every strategy, anyone who touts a scheme or device that’s meant to help people form good habits will have some success—because Upholders will tend to uphold, no matter what.

Habit strategies for Questioners: Get to your “why”

Questioners question all expectations and will meet an expectation only if they believe it makes sense. They resist anything arbitrary or inefficient, and they need reasons for everything they do. The good news: once a Questioner is convinced a habit is worth building, they can be very dedicated.

What works for Questioners:

Strategy of Clarity (most important for Questioners)

The Strategy of Clarity is crucial for Questioners. They want to know exactly what they’re doing, and why. They won’t meet an expectation if they don’t understand the reason, so they must receive robust answers to their questions. They also must clearly see and trust the authority and expertise of the person asking them to meet that expectation.

Strategy of Monitoring

The Strategy of Monitoring is a good fit for Questioners; Questioners’ love of data means they enjoy self-monitoring. They might wear a device to track the number of steps they take; use an app to track when they take their medication, or chart what time they go to bed.

Strategy of Distinctions

The Strategy of Distinctions may resonate with Questioners, because it emphasizes that a habit should be tweaked very specifically to suit an individual’s character and idiosyncrasies—something that appeals to Questioners, who love customization. They can sometimes be convinced to try something “as an experiment.” “Why don’t you try this, you’ll find out if it works for you, and if not, you can try something else.”

What to watch out for:

A common stumbling block for Questioners is invoking loopholes to justify breaking a good habit. “I should exercise.” “But it’s too cold outside.” “Do my workout inside.” “But I have too much work and that takes precedence over exercise.” Learning to spot your own loopholes is one of the most valuable things a Questioner can do — because the arguments will always sound convincing.

Habit strategies for Obligers: Creating accountability

Obligers readily meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner ones. They’re great team players and deeply responsible to others. But when it comes to goals that exist only for themselves, the motivation often stalls. This isn’t a character flaw, it’s just how Obligers are wired, and once you understand it, you can work with it.

Strategy of Accountability (most important for Obligers)

All Four Tendencies (even, under certain circumstances, Rebels) find accountability to be useful for developing habits, but Obligers absolutely require structures of external accountability. They need oversight, deadlines, and consequences, and the involvement of accountability partners, such as coaches, accountability groups, trainers, health navigators, friends, or their own children. Obligers often feel a powerful sense of obligation to be good role models. They can often do something for someone else that they can’t do for themselves: “Once my baby was born, I had to quit smoking.”

Strategy of Monitoring

Monitoring supports accountability, and the more Obligers monitor their behavior, the more easily accountability will attach.

Strategy of Other People

Because of the weight imposed by outer expectations, Obligers—and the people around Obligers—must take careful note of the influence of other people, for good or ill.

Strategy of Treats

All of us should use the Strategy of Treats; when we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves. Obligers, who give so much to others, need to replenish.

What to watch out for:

Obligers who don’t get enough back are vulnerable to Obliger-rebellion — a sudden, sometimes dramatic pushback when they feel burned out or exploited. Treats (which are different from rewards — a treat is something you give yourself just because, not as a prize for hitting a target) help prevent it. Remember: a treat is different from a reward. Rewards are very, very tricky to use correctly. Stick with treats.

Habit strategies for Rebels: You choose

Rebels resist both outer and inner expectations. They want to do what they want, in their own way, on their own time. Traditional habit advice — set a schedule, find an accountability partner, track your streak — is largely counterproductive.

What works for Rebels:

Strategy of Identity (most important for Rebels)

For Rebels, the most effective habit-change strategy is the Strategy of Identity. Because Rebels place great value on being true to themselves, they can embrace a habit if they view it as a way to express their identity.

Strategy of Clarity

The Strategy of Clarity works for Rebels, because it focuses on why a habit might have personal value for them. The more Rebels think about what they want, and why they want it, the more effectively they pursue it.

Strategy of Convenience

Instead of trying to commit to scheduling a habit, Rebels often do habit-behaviors as soon as they feel like it.

Strategy of Other People

The Strategy of Other People is also a useful strategy for Rebels to consider; Rebels love doing things differently from other people. They do an obscure kind of yoga, run barefoot, exercise late at night.

What to watch out for:

Rebels tend to resist if someone asks or tells them to do anything. It’s very important—but challenging—to avoid setting off their spirit of resistance. Also, many of the 21 strategies that work well for other Tendencies typically don’t work for Rebels: for instance, Strategies of Scheduling, Accountability, Monitoring, or Rewards.

More resources for changing habits

The right habit strategy isn’t the most popular one, or the one that worked for your friend. It’s the one that fits how you’re actually wired. Once you know your Tendency, that becomes a lot clearer.

Next, spend some time planning. Try one of my free worksheets to help you find ways to identify which habits will bring you the most benefits and how to design them in a way that sticks.

Habit How-to: How You Spend Time

Habit How-to: Getting Specific

From Better Than Before: The 21 Strategies for Habit Change

The Four Tendencies (subject of my book The Four Tendencies)
Distinctions (what works for other people may not work for you)
Monitoring
Foundation
Scheduling (this is often counter-productive for Rebels)
Accountability (Obligers! This is YOUR STRATEGY)
First Steps (be on the look out for opportunities to harness this powerful strategy)
Clean Slate (this strategy is powerful, but only available at certain times)
Lightning Bolt (it’s frustrating–this is a strategy that happens to you; you can’t invoke it)
Abstaining (this strategy works extremely well for some people, and not at all for others)
Convenience (this is the most universal strategy)
Inconvenience (twin of Convenience)
Safeguards
Loophole-Spotting (this strategy is hilarious to study)
Distractions
Reward (beware! this is a very, very tricky strategy to apply effectively)
Treats (this is definitely the most fun strategy to follow)
Pairing
Clarity
Identity (it took me a long time to realize the power of this strategy)
Other People (never overlook this strategy)

The post How to change habits based on your Four Tendencies type appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

How to Use Determination Day to Get Failed Resolutions Back on Track

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Fri, 13 Feb 2026 16:17:27 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on February 15, 2022

Research shows that by February 28—what might be called “Discouragement Day”—many people have abandoned their New Year’s resolutions.

Instead of a time to feel discouraged, it can be a time to re-evaluate, to do the hard work of asking ourselves, “If something isn’t working, why not?”

If you started working on an aim in January and have slowed down or stopped, consider using February 28 as “Determination Day.”

You can succeed by failing; if you’ve found that one approach doesn’t work, that’s useful information. Now you can try something else, and stay determined to meet your aim.

A key reason resolutions fail

Many resolutions fail because they’re too vague to act on. “Get healthier” or “be more organized” sound good, but they don’t tell you what to do today.

A well-defined resolution should answer three questions: What exactly am I doing? How will I know I’m doing it? How often will I do it?

Instead of “exercise more,” try “walk 26 minutes every morning before work.” Instead of “read more,” try “read for 30 minutes before bed on weeknights.” The specific version gives you something concrete to schedule, track, and adjust.

Download a free worksheet to help you craft a specific resolution.

How to get back on track

Once you’ve clarified what you’re aiming for, consider how to adjust your approach:

Consider what didn’t work for you, and why. Did you resolve to write in the morning but you’re not a morning person? Read before bed when you can’t keep your eyes open? Exercise on your own when you might benefit from the accountability of a partner or class?
Reflect on the benefits. To keep ourselves energized, it’s useful to think of a habit’s rewards. Regular exercise boosts energy throughout the day, improves nighttime sleep, and makes it easier to sit through endless video calls.
Identify new strategies. Schedule time to write at night after everyone’s in bed (The Strategy of Distinctions). Read in the morning with your first cup of coffee (The Strategy of Pairing). Talk to a friend on the phone on your daily walk (The Strategy of Accountability). Look over my list of 21 Strategies for Habit Change for more ideas to try.
Make an investment. Beautiful tools or gear can make your habit more convenient or more enjoyable to keep, and for some people, investing in an activity makes them more likely to stick with it. Would investing in a better pair of athletic shoes, a reading light, or high-quality headphones make your habit more pleasant?
“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Thank you, Voltaire. If you can’t face cleaning out the attic, tackle one bureau drawer. If you break your resolution today, try again tomorrow. Give yourself permission to lower the bar.

When to quit your resolution

Determination Day doesn’t mean doubling down no matter what. Sometimes the best move is letting go of something that isn’t not working. If you’ve tried multiple approaches and an aim consistently makes you miserable, that’s important information. Quitting can free up energy for other aims that serve you better.

Getting back on track

If you’re still excited about your aims or resolutions and want to get back on track, explore the Habits Hub to find new strategies to experiment with, or use the Happier app to add new habit-building tools to your toolkit.

There are still 10 months in the year—plenty of time for you to make progress.

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How to add more whimsy to your life this year

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 05 Feb 2026 12:30:03 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on April 29, 2025

I’m a huge fan of whimsy. Whimsy makes ordinary objects feel special; it makes everyday moments feel memorable; it adds playfulness and energy to life.

So I’m always delighted to discover some touch of whimsy, like a robot vacuum named Cleanopatra or googly eyes on a train car (thank you, Boston).

I’ve included many touches of whimsy in my apartment. For instance, I have three miniature landscapes–a secret garden set in a bookshelf, a mermaid lagoon set in a different bookshelf, and best of all, a mountain scene set in a kitchen cabinet. I love seeing visitors’ surprise when they open the door to take a glass or a plate, and instead confront this tiny scene.

Moments of whimsy make us laugh; surprise us where we expect the ordinary; add a humorous touch to reminders, rules, and reprimands; and show us that life doesn’t always have to be serious.

What is whimsy, exactly?

Whimsy is the addition of some imagination and surprise to daily life. It might show up in a goofy name for an event on your calendar or how you decorate your desk.

For novelty lovers, something unexpected can make familiar routine feel more energizing. For Rebels–people who resist rigidity and dislike being told what to do–whimsy might even feel like a bit of welcome defiance when it seems like everyone expects maximum efficiency at all times.

Why people want more whimsy

Recently, whimsy seems to be having a moment. It has popped up in online conversations, design trends, and seemingly just about everywhere. When I asked people to share whimsical things they do, responses poured in. The answers ranged from keeping bubbles by the door to baking elaborate gingerbread houses to making up personalized songs about family members.

One reason we enjoy whimsy is because it can soften the rough edges of life. I remember seeing a photo of one family’s household rules. The heading read HEINOUS INFRACTIONS, followed by a list of “infractions” like “Leaving plates on tables” or “Using a ball in the living room” It threatened, “Penalty=Death or cash alternative.” It worked!

The whimsy of wrapping the rules in such melodramatic terms made the message far less annoying.

Whimsy is an impulse toward delight. In The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, William Blake wrote “Energy is Eternal Delight.” And I would flip that observation to say, “Delight is Energy.”

How to add more whimsy to your life

Listeners of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast shared a treasure trove of ideas for adding whimsy to their daily lives. Some of my favorites:

Choose whimsical versions of everyday objects

Use whimsical office supplies you already need—paperclips shaped like dogs.
Choose everyday tools in whimsical forms that reflect things you love, like cherry-shaped measuring spoons if cherries have personal meaning.
Surround yourself with items that reflect your quirks or interests (corgi mugs, corgi stickers, and corgi magnets if you love corgis)
Wear bright or neon-colored underwear to serious or formal events as a private bit of fun.

Create playful touches at home

Paint a small surprise (like a little frog) in an out-of-the-way spot behind a kitchen door
Create miniature worlds tucked into shelves or cabinets—magical gardens, mermaid lagoons, mountaintop scenes
Use bold, whimsical wallpaper in a small space like a powder room
Add googly eyes to ordinary objects to give them instant character
Keep fairy lights in unexpected places
Hide tiny rubber ducks (or other tiny figures) in random places for people to discover
Keep special travel mementos mixed into an everyday junk drawer so finding a pen or tape also surfaces a happy memory

Reframe routine moments

Turn annoying tasks into songs by rewriting lyrics (“I love laundry” to the tune of “I Want Candy,” “It’s not about you” to the tune of “It Had to Be You”), and invite family to add verses.
Reframe boring work as something more playful (one person turned B2B lead generation into “matchmaking” and drew hearts in notes).
Turn a regular running route into a whimsical ritual by naming a landmark (like “the ugly house”) and collecting a pebble each time to track progress in a jar.
Use silly or story-based reframes for chores with kids so they feel like games rather than obligations.

Build whimsical traditions

Celebrate minor holidays at breakfast by dyeing milk green for St. Patrick’s Day or making foods pink with food coloring to transform ordinary meals.
Create a simple repeated connection ritual with a friend, like texting each other a photo whenever you both notice the time 11:11.
Choose a whimsical pet name that reflects a passion (like a hamster named “Neil Hamstrung” for an aspiring astronaut).
Revive an old childhood hobby in an elevated way, like restoring a great-grandmother’s dollhouse and learning to make miniatures through a class.

Embrace spontaneous play

Ride a shopping cart across the parking lot or down an empty aisle.
Take skipping breaks in hallways when you’re restless or between intense work blocks to inject a burst of childlike energy. (I do this when recording audiobooks.)
Do small, sneaky acts of kindness with a playful twist, like putting extra quarters into grocery-store cart locks so people get surprise “free” carts.
On your birthday or special occasions, ask the bartender for their interpretation of a whimsically named custom drink (like “a Singing Unicorn”) and enjoy the surprise.

Look around right now for ways to play and enjoy the lightness that comes with adding a bit of whimsy to life.

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How to Do a No-Spend Month (and What I Learned)

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 29 Jan 2026 22:59:12 +0000

An earlier version of this article appeared on March 26, 2024

This year, for our “24 for 24” lists, my sister Elizabeth and I decided to observe a “No-Spend February.” A no-spend month means committing to buying only essential items for 30 days—no discretionary purchases. So, for the month of February, we didn’t buy anything unnecessary.

Why do a no-spend month?

A brief period of deprivation can help us learn about ourselves and our patterns. It can re-set our tolerances, so that going forward, we indulge less.

Also, it may show us that we’d be happier if we engaged less in a habit such as spending, drinking wine every night, or scrolling in bed.

What Is a No-Spend Month

A no-spend month is a challenge where you commit to purchasing only essential items for a set period—typically 30 days. Instead of buying discretionary items like new clothes, books, restaurant takeout, or impulse purchases, you spend money only on necessities like groceries and bills.

How to Do a No-Spend Month

If you’re considering a “No-Spend Month,” setting a few ground rules ahead of time can help you stick to it:

Set a timeline—if a whole month seems daunting, try one week or one day per week.
Decide what “counts”—you might choose to focus on a particular category of spending or rule out anything you deem “non-essential.”
If you rule out anything “non-essential,” what is essential? Tooth paste, a birthday gift, a meal with friends?
Set up safeguards—for instance, if you tend to shop when you’re bored, decide what you’ll do instead.
Identify your “why”—clarifying what you hope to gain from the experience, whether it’s breaking a habit, saving for a bigger investment, or aligning your behavior with your values, will help you stick to it.
Consider whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel—the “Four Tendencies” personality framework will help you set up the challenge in the way that’s right for you (learn your Tendency by taking the quiz).

You can also download my free worksheet to help you plan and track your no-spend month.

Elizabeth and I decided that for one month, we’d spend money only on necessary household items—also gifts. We could eat at a restaurant for a social occasion, but we couldn’t pay for prepared food otherwise.

For some people, it might work better to cut back on spending, without declaring something extreme like a “No-Spend February.”

But both Elizabeth and I are Abstainers about many things—all or nothing. Many people are surprised to find that when it comes to temptation, it may be easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. (Read more about abstainers vs. moderators.)

It’s also true that often, when we don’t feed our cravings, they don’t build up; instead, they fade away.

Also, a bold gesture sometimes feels more fun than a more modest effort.

Of course, we both realized that we’re extraordinarily fortunate to have the financial comfort to choose not to spend in this way. That’s not something ever to take for granted.

What we learned from our No-Spend February

Elizabeth:

Elizabeth hadn’t realized how much time and energy she spent browsing online, looking through emails about sale items, and checking websites. So she gained back that time and energy in February.

However, to her surprise, she came out of the month with more desire to buy. In ordinary life, she usually looked without buying, but by the end of February, she felt more urge to go shopping than usual, so she thought she might go on a shopping spree. But, in fact, she didn’t.

Gretchen:

Because I couldn’t impulsively buy books that I wanted, I ended up buying far fewer—which is good, because these days I feel oppressed by my huge piles of unread books.

Also, I want to learn to watercolor, but my desire to buy art supplies outstrips my actual use of those supplies. It was good that I couldn’t buy a Chinese brush or gouache. This delay reminded me that I shouldn’t indulge in the pleasure of buying supplies; I should be focusing on regularly painting with watercolor.

Another benefit: I wanted to buy a small water-sprayer for watercolor, but because I couldn’t buy one, I realized I could re-purpose a sprayer that had held lens cleaner.

In general, delay is good. After I saw a YouTube ad for fire blankets, and doing a little inconclusive research, I know I would have bought them. But I waited to see if I really thought they were a good idea.

Along the same lines, when I spotted sun gloves in an REI store, I know I would’ve bought them—I didn’t know such things existed. But I waited. When summer comes, I’ll see if I really need them (doubtful).

No-Spend Month Tips from listeners

After we talked about No-Spend February in episode 472 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, listeners who joined in the challenge reported on what they learned and used.

Some highlights:

Many people emphasized the usefulness of belonging to a Buy Nothing group.
Many recommended budgeting tools such as YNAB (You Need a Budget) or Simplifi.
If a child is begging for a toy, take a picture of it. That gesture often satisfies them.
Save the money you’d otherwise spend to invest in yourself, with savings.
A true under-buyer realized that she’d actually benefit from a Big-Spend February, to push her to buy needful things such as prescription sunglasses and hole-free t-shirts. (Read about under-buyers and over-buyers.)
A listener pointed out that people should use the Four Tendencies framework to figure out how to handle a No-Spend February. I absolutely agree—Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels would approach the challenge in a different way.
Only buy “treats” with cash.
Customize settings in social media to receive fewer ads.
In Amazon, “proceed to check out” just once a week, to get another chance to review purchases before making them.
Most amusing: Every January, a listener and her husband observe “Survivor Pantry Island.” They buy very few groceries for the month, and instead eat from their pantry and freezer.

Final insights

One listener pointed out that while Elizabeth and I often describe ourselves as under-buyers, we buy plenty! That’s one thing we learned from No-Spend February; we underestimated how much purchasing we do.

If you’re interested in this subject, Ann Patchett has a wonderful essay in the New York Times, “My Year of No Shopping.” We did a book club with Ann in episode 283.

I’m very happy that I did a no-spend month; it was a very useful exercise. The more intentional we are about our actions, the more our lives can reflect our values.

The post How to Do a No-Spend Month (and What I Learned) appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Join Us for Move 26 in ’26

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 19:58:21 +0000

Every year on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, my sister Elizabeth and I invite our listeners to join us in an annual challenge.

For a bit of whimsy, we use the calendar year to frame the habit. In 2020, we did “Walk 20 in ’20.” In 2023, it was “Go Outside 23 in ’23.” Last year, we tackled “Read 25 in ’25.”

This year, we’re getting moving with Move 26 in ’26: Move for 26 minutes every day in 2026.

Why movement?

Of all the habits that support happiness and health, movement is one of the most powerful. Research consistently links regular physical activity to better sleep, clearer thinking, reduced anxiety, and—perhaps surprisingly—more energy. (Movement doesn’t deplete energy, it boosts it.) People who move regularly get sick less often, too. Movement is the kind of habit that makes everything else easier.

These benefits come from any kind of movement, not just traditional forms of exercise like jogging or cardio. Walking, stretching, dancing, gardening, yoga, swimming, biking, playing with your kids, running after your dog—if you’re moving your body, it counts.

Design your approach

Many people find it tough to make habits related to physical activity stick. In my observation, the problem isn’t a lack of willpower—it’s that they’re using an approach that isn’t well suited to who they are.

Just as no tool fits every hand, there’s no magic, one-size-fits all approach to building a movement habit. Each of us can make our own plan, customized to our own unique personality, interests, and style. Here are a few strategies to consider.

Use “pairing”

Pair movement with an activity you enjoy, like listening to a favorite podcast or playlist. You could walk and chat with a neighbor, do planks during the ad breaks of your favorite show, or do squats while you’re waiting for your coffee to brew.

Or pair movement with an activity you must do. You could park your car some distance from your destination, or get off at an earlier subway stop so you have to walk farther to get where you’re going.

Make it convenient

The strategy of convenience is a powerful way to make habits feel easy and natural. Eliminate as many obstacles and decisions as possible between you and what you want to do. For example, you might:

Lay out your workout clothes the night before (or even sleep in them)
Keep walking shoes by the door
Make a list of movement-based activities you can do at home for days when you can’t get outside
Block out time for movement on your calendar like any other appointment

Start small

If 26 minutes of movement feels intimidating, remember that you don’t have to do it all at once. Break up your 26 minutes throughout the day: a ten-minute walk at lunchtime and another 16-minute walk after work still add up.

Start big

Some people like to start small, but others aren’t interested in incremental change—they want to “go big or go home.” If training for a marathon, doing a pickleball boot camp, or signing up for an intensive beginners’ yoga weekend appeals to you, that might be the way to get yourself started on 26 minutes of daily movement.

Track your progress

Tracking brings clarity and accountability to our efforts. It also helps build momentum by creating a visible record of success. You might:

Mark off each day with Don’t Break the Chain (many people love to keep a streak going)
Record your movement in the Happier app using the Numbers Tracker or Photo Log
Note how you feel after moving in the One-Sentence Journal—you might notice patterns that motivate you to keep going

Join the Challenge

The goal is consistency, not intensity. If you miss a day, don’t let it derail your progress—just get back to it the next day.

Over the course of the year, 26 minutes of movement every day adds up to 9,490 minutes of movement—that’s more than 158 hours. What could that do for your mood, your health, your energy?

Sign up for the Move 26 in ’26 challenge and join us in making 2026 a year of more movement, more energy, and more happiness.

Now is always the best time to begin.

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Choosing a one-word theme for 2026

gretchen@gretchenrubin.com (Gretchen Rubin) — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 19:03:11 +0000

As the new year approaches, many people feel the familiar pull to set goals or create resolutions. But while resolutions are popular, research shows that for many people, they’re not particularly effective.

There’s a simpler, more flexible (and more fun) approach I like to use as I consider how I want to shape the year to come: the one-word theme.

What is a one-word theme?

A one-word theme is just what it sounds like: a single word or short phrase that serves as a guiding principle for the year. It’s a concept that will help guide your decisions and notice opportunities.

Unlike traditional resolutions, a theme is imaginative and adaptable. It’s about direction, rather than success or failure.

Why choose a one-word theme?

A one-word theme is short and simple enough to stick in our minds, even on busy days, yet rich enough to apply to work, relationships, health, and creativity. For instance, a theme like “Open” might remind you to stay receptive to new experiences, keep an open mind in conversations, or literally open your home to others more often.

The right word can even reveal new meanings as the year progresses.

My one-word theme for 2026

This year, I chose the word “Neighbor.” I want to draw closer to the people around me–in the blocks around my apartment, in my city, and in my country. I want to put out a welcome mat; I want to lend a cup of sugar to someone who needs it; I want to engage more warmly with the people around me; I want to reach out across differences with neighborly warmth.

Tips for choosing your word

Good ideas can come from anywhere. For me, it felt like the word “Neighbor” suddenly jumped out at me–so during my recent review of previous years’ “Design Your Year” materials, I was startled to realize that I’d added “Neighbor” as a second theme in 2024. Clearly, this aim has been on my mind for a long time.

A few questions you might ask yourself:

What worked well this past year?
What didn’t serve you?
What concepts make you feel energized and happy?
What do you want more of–or less of–next year?
How could you make an abstract aim more concrete?
How could you make a boring aim more interesting?

For instance, my sister Elizabeth wanted to work on resilience and adaptability. Boring words! She chose the word “Bounce,” which captured those ideas in an energizing, positive, almost goofy way. Much more playful.

Once you’ve chosen your word, have some fun with it. You might write it on a card and pin it up by your desk or set it as your phone background.

It can also be helpful to choose a visual symbol to represent your one-word theme. For “Neighbor,” I’ve chosen a welcome mat as my symbol. For “Bounce,” Elizabeth chose a kangaroo. Once you have your symbol, you can look for a mug, t-shirt, jewelry, or other item to remind you of your theme. Keeping your word visible (as a word or in a symbol) helps to keep your uppermost in your mind as you move through the year.

Looking for more ways to be happier in 2026? Explore all of my tools for designing your year.

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