The Happy Wagon

Thanks for the Memories

2015-11-30T12:02:00.002-07:00

Dear Reader,

If you're new, i'm now blogging exclusively at melissamichialeinlove.blogspot.com. You many go there if you'd like to keep updated on my life after marriage.

This will be my last "Happy Wagon" post, so i have some things i want to say. especially to those of you who have been there for the long haul. (btw, this is post 445.)

This blog is the story of a girl who didn't know who she was. I used this blog to vent, to share, to acclaim, to love. I used this blog to figure out the world, and hoped that it would help other people of the world to figure me out. I used this space to create and find myself. I used this blog so much, that it became an unalterable part of me. Some of you literally wouldn't know me if it weren't for this blog, and honestly i wouldn't have it any other way.

So thank you for listening, and allowing me to express myself in a way that broke me out of uncertainty. Thank you for being attached to me even though i'm an invisible person on the internet. Thank you for inspiring me and pushing me to be better. Thank you for being who you are, and for accepting me for who i am.
I literally could not have made it to where i am today if i didn't have you.

I hope you were able to come here and laugh because i was real about my boy drama or my two left feet. I hope you came here and were able to ponder a little bit because i shared a thought with you. I hope i made an impression, however small, on you.

I will continue to be my overly-sharing self on my new blog, but if this is the end of the line for you, i just want you to know that i believe in God and Jesus Christ, and that they head a church today, led by a Prophet that they called. I know that one cannot be completely true to oneself until he or she can express themselves by some means of creation, whatever that may be. I know that families can be together forever. I know marriage can work. I know siblings can be best friends. I know that children are holy creations. I know that hard work is necessary to be happy. I know that serving others is the key to joy, but i also know that joy is a journey rather than an event.

I know that we are all connected.

Thank you for being connected to me. It helped me through life these past 7 years.

Thanks for the memories, homies.

blahgs fo lyfe.
k thanks, bye.

melissa michiale

August - the days before the wedding

2015-11-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

I received my Temple Endowment on Saturday, August 8, 2015.

That night i went home and wrote in my journal for hours.

I didn't stop until literally my pen ran out of ink, and even then i hadn't written everything i wanted.

mmmm, i was so happy.

On Sunday I went to our ward one last time with Karl (seriously my favorite ward). I drove home with my parents afterward and thought i would just absolutely shrivel up and die when we were saying goodbye. i wouldn't see him for like THREE WHOLE DAYS, HOW WOULD I SURVIVE?!

our first apartment together!

and yes, it really is number 8 1/2. we love that. sounds a little King's Cross-y.

I got to drive home with my mom and dad. I HATE driving home. My sister Rebecca swears that if she fell asleep in the passenger seat during any part of the drive from UT to central CA, she would know exactly where she was when she woke up without even having to ask.

I feel the same way.

It's partly nice, because you always know how much time you have left, but it's also AWFUL because it takes 12+ HOURS!!

anyway.

It was Sunday night when we drove home, and we decided to drive through the night (which i also hate, but voted in favor of this time because i was so ready to be home and not cramped in a car.)

the traffic was bad and it was like midnight. that situation equals contention because everyone's tired, and the driver is being scrutinized and the passengers are being annoying, no matter who is playing which of those roles.

My dad was driving, and i wanted him to stay awake and alert, haha. He gets into a zombie mode while driving late at night where he is totally capable of driving, but he is definitely tired and it freaks me out. So i started thinking of some open ended questions to ask about his mission .

worked like a charm.

I also got to hear a lot of stories from his mission that i'd never heard before! I was surprised!

we made it home at like 3:30-4:00am.

uggghh.

I crawled in bed but was woken up at 7:30 by none other than the dang weasel herself, Jenae Jewel. She likes to scare me awake. One of these days she is literally going to give me a heart attack and then she won't think it's funny.

I spent the week cleaning and packing up my room, finalizing wedding plans, pickign up borrowed items for the reception decor, etc. It was hectic, but good, because i was busy and not sitting and stewing. I also skyped Karl every night, of course, haha.

Tuesday night my dear dear dear friend Gina threw me a bridal shower in Madera.

AND GUESS WHERE IT WAS HELD???

FLIPPING ROUND TABLE PIZZA.

I WAS ELATED.

I only got 1.5 slices of pizza, because i was talking to everyone, but i wasn't even mad, because they were so delicious.

(Holla at my sister Katrina for this striped shirt. adorable.)

Throughout my entire engagement, i just could not believe how NICE everyone was being. EVERYONE. random people that i knew in like the dang fourth grade were congratulating me, and relatives that i didn't even remember existed came out of nowhere with cards and sweet notes and advice and money and gifts and honestly, it was kind of overwhelming. HOW AM I EVER GOING TO WRITE ENOUGH THANK YOU CARDS.

I was surprised over and over again by the sheer hospitality of some people.

It was all very humbling, but nothing was more humbling than all the gifts.

After my home bridal shower (which was SO fun and adorable! THANK YOU GINA!!!) i went home and we put all the gifts in my bedroom and i just cried, because i couldn't believe how generous everyone was being, and how genuine all their care was!

If I ever wondered if the people in my life really loved me, i didn't while i was engaged. I knew they loved me. They all worked so hard to make sure i was happy and cared for. golly, i'm still shaking my head over it.

On Wednesday, the day before Karl came to Fresno, I did something i'd wanted to do for a while.

I swear i already wrote about this. If i did, oh well.

When i was like, 13 or 14, i wrote the name of the boy i liked on my back bed post, and kept a tally of all the months i continued to like him. I wrote the name of the boy i liked before i liked him, too, and tallied the months i liked him.

I kept this practice for 7 years.

When i liked a new boy, i'd write his name on the bed post, or on my wall, and keep a tally of every month i liked him. Dumb, i know. hahaha.

But i kept doing it, it was tradition. As i got older, the boys had longer bouts of check marks. In middle school there were many names, each with one, maybe 2 check marks. I never wrote two tallys a month though. So i didn't let myself just switch from boy to boy every day.

whatever, my point is, i had this tradition.

In those years i also wrote song lyrics on my wall. mostly Taylor Swift and mostly during boy drama. After a few months, i realized that i didn't want to be surrounded by sad lyrics. I didn't want my life to be defined by boy troubles. so i wrote an uplifting quote on the wall above my closet, which led to another, and another, and another.

My walls have since become covered in quotes and scriptures that i needed during hard times.

I went away to college, and every time i came home i always scoffed at the lyrics by my bed. Why were the most negative things on my walls the ones i spent the most time next to? RIGHT next to my bed, right next to my head when i slept? It was ironic, and i didn't like it.

So while i was home the few days before i got married, I decided to paint over it.

Jenae helped me.

we talked the whole time, about the temple, the wedding, her boyfriend, all my past boyfriends

as we painted over the names of boys who used to be so important to me, i couldn't help but smile. Many of those boys taught me great lessons about myself and love.

It might sound weird, but i'm grateful for those names.

I'm grateful for what i learned as i made those marks on my wall.

Those were real people, they are real people. they lead completely different lives now, most of them, and most of them are much better people than they were when i first wrote their names.

I know i am a much better person than i was when i wrote any of those names.

It took 2 coats on the pink wall, 3 on the green.

We painted over my old life.

Not with the intent of covering it up or hiding it, but with the hope of a new start.

I'm glad Jenae did this with me, because she was with me during all those names, and she's experienced those marks right a long side me. In a way i feel like she was just as happy that i found Karl as i was. Obviously for different reasons, but it's true.

I'm glad i wrote those names, and made all those marks. I'm glad i had a way that i felt comfortable expressing myself, and that i had a tangible representation of my romantic past.

But i'm also glad that i got to paint over it that day. because now, i'm new, just like those walls.

Of all the names, there was one i didn't paint over.

Karl Stuart Horlacher

There were 9 tally marks next to his name, representing the 9 various months that he was at the forefront of my heart. the first was August 2014. the other 8 were January-August of 2015.

9 is my favorite number.

i like coincidences like that.

there are also 9 parts to my wedding ring.

we originally planned to get married in 9th month, September, but ended up getting married on Aug 15. 8 1/2 months into the year. now we live in apartment 8 1/2.

I don't know, i like number things like that.

After the 9 tally marks i wrote " + forever after. Love, Melissa Michiale" and drew a heart

When i go home next, i'll add a final quote. one about temple marriage, on that pink wall. then it will be complete.

It was all quite therapeutic.

The next day, the night before the wedding, my bridesmaids took me to get my nails done. I've never done that before, so i was really nervous, but it was fun and i'm glad we did it. It helped me feel like every last detail was prepared and beautiful - ready for a wedding.

When Jenae and i got home, we had pizza as a big family. I read a book called, "My Wedding Day" to my nieces and nephews. It's a picture book of a dad telling his little girl about what her wedding day will probably be like when she gets married in the temple.

I held it together until the dad started talking about how much the groom prepares too, and has been a good man so that he can marry a good woman in the temple. I cried thinking of my Karl who has worked so hard to be and stay a good man.

He really is so kind and precious, and as i read those lines i couldn't believe this was all really happening to me.

i felt lucky.

Then we all sang together and had a group hug. It's a pre-wedding tradition for most of the siblings. I'm glad we got to do it for me, too.

It feels like Heaven to sing with all my family members.

After we sang and my dad said a prayer, the siblings group hugged around me. sweet. Jenae took a selfie of us doing our super cheesy "Team Hansen" thing. we put our hands in the middle of us and then throw them up in the air, hahaha.

I promise we're not super concieted.

We really just want to stay together forever and little things like this, as cheesy as they might seem, are actually motivating, and remind me that YES! we ARE a team! we CAN make it if we stick together and help each other!

I also think we look alike in this picture. a LOT. the top right is me, then clockwise it's Derek, Donny, Rebecca, Jenae, Katrina, Jonathan, and Allison. with a tiny baby in the top left corner. hahaha.

TEAM HANSEN!

We're gonna make it!

After the picture, My parents and i rushed to Fresno with the best man to meet Karl and his parents for dinner. we were a little stressed about timing, but it all worked out. I'd never met Karl's father before, so that was nice. Karl's parents are divorced, but they are nice to each other and i actually really liked having the parents together with me and Karl.

After dinner, My parents, Karl, Karl's mom, and Joseph the best man, and I, all went to the temple together. It was the first time Karl had ever been in the temple with any family on his side, so it was very emotional and sweet for him. I loved seeing him just hug his mom and cry and smile together. it was a tender experience.

When we were about to leave, Karl's mom pulled me aside and told me how much she loved Karl and was happy for him to have found a good girl who loved him. She wished us luck and gave me a big hug. It was sweet. I cried. I was also grateful that Karl had been helping me become more comfortable signing, because i was able to talk to her even if it was really slow and not true ASL grammar.

Before we got into our cars, Karl gave me a giant hug and a big kiss and told me he loved me and that he couldn't wait to see me in the morning and marry me.

I drove home alone, and cried practically the entire way, so grateful for my family, and Karl, and this life. I kept shaking my head in disbelief, because i couldn't, and still can't, believe how it all worked out perfectly. I just kept remembering times when i felt horrible and totally hopeless, and how much i had grown through the grace of God and Christ and how i miraculously found KArl and how by no small miracles we ended up together. I felt so blessed that he would be the man i marry. I felt happy that i had finally found a partner. I felt lucky that i was loved, truly loved, in a way i thought was only possible in fairy tales and Jane Austen novels.

The whole way home, i prayed and prayed in thanks to God for this opportunity, and for this incredible beginning i was about to have. I was, and am, grateful for everything that led me to that point, and i'm glad i learned so much from hard things.

I slept easy that night.

grateful.

blessed.

full.

My Temple Walk

2015-11-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

On August 8th, 2015 i did something I'd waited my whole life for.

This is going to be a long story.

let's rewind to October 2013.

I was in a dark place. A very dark place. I had limped through the hardest summer of my life with addiction strapped on my back and stumbled back to BYU-Idaho but i was not myself.

Pictures from fall semester make me teary eyed, because i remember how hard i was trying not to drown. I remember craving change but lacking the willpower, and i remember crying myself to sleep at least once a week because i knew i was pushing away the few friends i had with my harsh tongue but i didn't feel like i could be any different.

I hated my habits and i hated my attitude and i desperately wanted to just snap my fingers and be over that mountain. I CLUNG to the few good things that i had.

the few things that consistently made me feel a sliver of the kind of happy i knew i could be:

Mallorie , Jaylene, my neice Evelyn and my blossoming relationship with Christine. Evelyn made me feel needed.

Christopher Michael Moen. playing catch in random fields and driving across town to a dinky gas station to get sour patch watermelon just because they all knew it would help me feel a little bit better.

Jonathan. He is so kind to me.

the snow.

oh, the dear snow.

even now i'm choking up because i miss the snow. I miss the ice i miss the hoar frost i miss seeing my breath and i miss the air stinging my nose. I miss the crunching under my feet and i remember just being overwhelmingly grateful for the snow. It was a beautiful thing in what i thought was an ugly life.

The snow made me happy.

and my New Testament class.

learning about Jesus Christ, the ultimate friend, when i thought all mine were dwindling, was the best medicine for me.

that class helped me heal.

as the months went on, and as the snow came, my sadness began to leak away.

I made small steps toward recovery and my usual joy, but i hurdled the grand canyon one day when i finally admitted to my mother, and my church leaders, what i was struggling with and why and how much i wanted to change.

From then on, every day, though it was a battle, felt like a climb up instead of a fall down.

That giant on my back was still loud and angry and mean and vindictive, but he got smaller everyday.

slowly, very slowly, i crawled my out of the dark.

and i began to feel happy again as Christmas lights donned windows and shapes of angels appeared on snowy lawns.

I remember that phone call, after i had admitted my struggles and my past to my mother and we'd both cried, she told me that a few days prior she had been in the Temple, and had the thought, "Melissa is ready to come here. She is ready to make these promises with God."

I could not believe that.

Rewind again to High school.

i had times of great strength and liberation where i was totally fine without my addiction. i didn't even think about it Junior year. I was busy, i was happy, i had faith in God.

but i slipped, and slipped, and slipped, until it was the end of my senior year and somehow i was down the hill again. not quite in the valley, but too middle-ground for any real progression.

And then my brothers came home for the summer and saved me, and pulled me up.

I went to BYU-Idaho and had whole new growing experiences.
then i came home and lived with my sister and her kids for a few months and had zero struggles with addiction or thoughts of insignificance. those months, along with spring semester in Idaho, were absolutely golden. I was on a spiritual high after a church history tour, and i thought nothing would ever be wrong again.

Often in the scriptures, after an individual has an uplifting experience from God, Satan comes and tries to bring them down.

such is the pattern in my life, as well.

After many spiritually enlightening times, I receive greater temptation.

I am tried.

I think this happens to us all, and i think it happens every day.

I'd like to say that this particular trial came and i faced it head on. I'd like to say that i rose above my fear and sadness and kept along my merry way, but that would be a bold lie.

I was shattered.

and no, it wasn't about a boy, although that's what it seemed at first. Satan used that to begin the cycle, but then he became relentless. He brought back to my mind every time I'd lied or cheated or sank low, and he threw those acts onto a jumbo-tron.

Replaying over and over and over in my mind.

Everywhere i went in my hometown i was reminded of some sin or sadness.

I was breaking.

I relapsed to my old habits and means of treating myself.

That gave the devil a perfect opportunity to step right into the spot where the Spirit of God used to be, and take over his duties as thought-whisperer. Instead of inspiration, he spat discouragement.

and he was loud.

He screamed at me all summer long.

When i failed, i swear i could almost hear him laughing at me.

Very quickly i was completely consumed in darkness that i could not control.

That is the scariest thing about addiction to me.

People say, "you always have a choice." and to some extent, you do.

But when you get so far into a hole, you can't see anything, and i truly felt, and still feel, like i did not have a choice. Like i had forfeited my agency for a time because of all the choices i HAD made, and that the chemicals in my brain and the devils on my back were moving around my arms and legs and eyes. I was not acting. I was being acted upon by my addiction.

I felt abandoned. forsaken. lost.

I felt tangibly filthy, like my sins were leaking out of my pores. I felt hopeless and unlovable and like a "chewed up piece of gum".

I could never be worthy again, i could never be clean again, i could never mean my smiles again.

I tried to find peace in all the things that usually uplifted me, but i was so numb i couldn't feel anything. not even the good things.

_________________________________________

In my journal during this time, i hardly ever wrote, but i drew a series of actually quite disturbing pictures. I never rip anything out of my journals or edit them, but i ripped these out after i'd drawn them. I didn't want anyone to see them. I don't remember where they ended up.

The first picture was a girl. me.

the caption reads, "This is me. I was happy. I was fine."

the second was a girl with a shadow.

the caption read, "This is me. i feel dark."

through the series, the shadow gets straighter and straighter until it is standing right beside the girl.

one caption is under all these that reads, "I am becoming something else"

and then it begins to move in front of her.

the caption: "And no one can tell."

finally, it stands in her place, and then consumes her.

"Everyone thinks i am fine. They think this is me."

The girl is trapped in the shadow. the next picture is from the girl's point of view, as if the viewer is beside her, inside the shadow of herself. The girl is pounding against a window, the window is really the vision of the shadow.

"Why can't anyone see?"

the girls is scraping against the window, trying desperately to break out.

The girl leans her forehead against the window, her fists on it as well, to her sides, and she is crying. she is giving up.

"This is NOT me."

the girl is curled up at the bottom of the cavity in the shadow. hopeless.

"No one can hear me"

the final picture is of the girl's shadow, and you can faintly see the outline of the girl inside her, trapped, screaming.

The shadow girl is surrounded by people, family and friends. the shadow girl is smiling, and everyone else is smiling at her.

The caption reads, "I am not fine."

________________________________________________

Even just typing that gives me goosebumps, because it was such a desperate and obvious attempt at admittance.

That night, I read through the addiction Recovery 12 steps on my phone, and wept, because each rang so true to me.

I knew i had a problem. I knew i needed to change.

but i had no idea how.

jump back to that conversation on the phone with my mother.

she planted a seed in me.

The Temple.

I'd always wanted to go inside, and i had since i was 12, gone inside to perform proxy baptisms for the dead. but i wanted to make covenants with God.

I just felt like i could never be clean enough to do that.

I thought i could never have enough faith to be that obedient.

Then i read an article about a girl who struggled with Pornography addiction.

I had never heard a girl talk about it before.

I didn't know anyone else could echo my feelings so well.

It is a wonderful, eye-opening article.

I can still remember that i was sitting in my study spot at the "Crossroads" at BYU-Idaho when i read these lines:

"You wouldn’t guess by looking at me that I have an addiction. I was on the seminary council, I went to church and mutual and the temple every week. I read my scriptures and say my prayers every day. You look at me and you think, “She has it all together.” Every time I tell people, they’re completely shocked. I know that there are other people like me that exist. I know that they’re there. It just makes me sad that they can’t come forward."

and i openly wept in the middle of the cafeteria.

I re-read the addiction recovery manual online, and then i went home and told Mallorie and Jaylene about my addictions, because i knew i needed someone to be accountable to.

Then i called my mom, and we had our conversation.
We talked about the temple.

the Temple.

the Temple of God, the House of God, the Holy Temple.

I wished i could go in.

that night, i locked myself in the bathroom and prayed for hours.
these words came into my mind from the Addiction recovery manual,

"Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."

In that cold tiny bathroom, leaning against the wall, i felt, lighter. physically lighter. I literally felt as if a portion of my burdened was removed.
and through tears i thanked God for that feeling, and for the hope i could feel trickling into my heart.

over the next days and weeks, i was determined to be different.
I'd tried this same path before, and always relapsed.
And even when i did relapse this time, it still felt different.

Before, i had been motivated to change because i wanted to stop feeling guilty. I wanted to stop hiding things I wanted to stop feeling judged.
those were good reasons.

But this time, i had....an epiphany of sorts. After I'd admitted my whole past, and confessed that i literally could not change on my own, the pressure was gone. I could breathe again. It was still labored breathing, but i could breathe of my own volition.

Everything i thought i knew about forgiveness was wrong.
Everythign i thought i knew about relationships was wrong
about love, about guilt, about desire, about Jesus Christ's Atonement, it was all skewed.

I had to start over.

this time, i wanted to change because i wanted PEACE. I wanted to feel God's love, i wanted to hear the Holy Ghost, i wanted to be whole, i wanted to grow, i wanted to formally promise with God that i would always be my best self, i wanted to receive power from Heaven.

I wanted to go to the temple.
I wanted to be close to God.

I changed because i wanted to live with God.

that Sunday, i sat in my chair and literally ached for the Sacrament to come to me, and for the first time in what felt like forever, i understood its implications.
I was clean again.
I was whole again.
I was starting over.

I was not prefect, i fell back many times that semester, but i never let it hold me back. I just kept getting up, kept brushing off, kept climbing.
I kept doing everything i knew i should do to be whole.

I went home, and started completely new.

and i was clean.
I really was.

The rest of 2014 was incredible, because i felt new. God had given me a new heart. I didn't want that life anymore, i wanted peace.
this change was different, and lasting, and strong.

no, i wan't perfect.
yes, i still messed up.

but less and less frequently.

By June 2014, I felt stronger than ever.
I went to BYU Sports Camps with hope in my heart and happiness filling me to the brim.
I had the best summer of my life, because i was finally free.

I was finally open and honest. i had no secrets. i wasn't hiding a single thing.

I was just me.

Just plain old me.

it was the best feeling i'd ever known.
I wrote in my journal one night, "I think they call this JOY."

with that new found joy, came a spiritual confidence I'd never experienced. Every time i went to the temple, i yearned to make covenants for myself. I prayed over and over about big decisions i was making, and i always finished my prayers with, "and help me know how to better prepare to live worthy of going the temple." because i was confident, i was happy. i attracted people, because they could see i was happy. I made life long friends that summer.
I even met the man i would eventually date and marry.

One Sunday as i sat in a Fast and Testimony meeting at church, the spirit filling my heart, i heard in my mind, a loving voice say, "You are ready".

It's interesting, the voice of the Spirit. It comes in an instant, but fills your mind with whole paragraphs and discourses and libraries of knowledge. It can convey directly to your heart an entire message in literally one single moment, using something much higher, much better than words. And you feel such immense love, and then you try to describe the message you felt, and it's impossible to be accurate.
God speaks to us in a way that is literally indescribable, and i had one of those moments that day.

I felt love.
I felt assurance.
I felt confident.
I felt ready.

ready for life, ready for love, ready to move from my past, ready to share my past, ready to make eternal promises with God, ready for everything. ready for anything.

I met with my bishop that Sunday, and he was excited for me. He too, felt like i was ready, and we were thrilled, but he said that since i was leaving for home really soon, i should schedule meeting with my home leaders.

I called my home bishop, who expressed sincere confidence in me, but told me that my home Stake had made the decision that women who were not engaged or going on a mission should wait until they were 23 to receive their Temple Endowment.

I was crushed and confused.

why had i received this impression if i couldn't even go to the temple?
After a few hours, and prayer, i felt that i was given that impression to assure me that i WAS ready.
But it was not time.

and really, what a blessing to have that message!
What an opportunity to have an assurance from God that when my time came, i could be know i was ready! I felt so full of God's love for me that day, despite my disappointment of timing.

I went home, and spent the rest of the summer as a librarian at my Alma Mater, counting the days until i could be back in my dear Rexburg, nestled in the Teton Valley

That fall, when i went back to school at BYU-Idaho, i quickly formed a bond with my bishop and met with him often to keep myself on track. I was thrilled with my classes, i was happy with my roommates. But i still felt a nagging, a longing. Something was missing.

at the end of the semester, in my last meeting with the bishop before Christmas break, he told me that my stake had a per-requisite of one semester of a Temple Preparation Sunday School class before actually going to the temple for myself. He told me that he was putting my name on a list for a temple prep class winter semester.

I burst into tears of joy.
FINALLY.
i could learn about all the symbolism and doctrine of the Holy Temple!

over Christmas break i prayed and prayed to be ready for that class, and felt nothing, which frustrated me. when i got back to school, i met with my bishop and he extended me a calling in the ward that i was completely surprised by. Two of my best friends/roommates were called to serve with me.

Afterward, he said special prayers with each of us gave us blessings. In mine, He told me that i would be able to understand God's timing of my temple endowment.

that line kept bouncing around my head all week.
I spent hours on my knees, praying, trying to decipher all the thoughts and feelings i was having. I clung to the message i'd heard over the summer, "You are ready". Whenever it was time, i would be ready. I would keep myself ready.

and then slowly, i began to understand.
the next Sunday, i met with my Bishop again and told him that I felt ready, and i wanted to go through the temple, but that this was not the time God had prepared for me to do so. I knew i needed to wait. He emotionally told me that he felt the same way.

I was a little sad, because i wanted this more than anything i'd ever worked for. But i also felt peace. I knew that God had a plan, and that He would let me understand it as i walked His path.

That semester was incredible. I taught preschool, and became close with all of my roommates. I was writing a lot and realizing a lot about who i wanted to be as a wife and mother. I was doing Personal Progress every week. I was growing in strides and i was proud of what i was doing.

I was proud of who i was.

I was truly, genuinely, happy, and i believe that is when real love naturally finds us.

at the end of that semester, i started dating Karl.

After one week, i knew everything was going to change. I knew that this was different. I knew i was going to marry him. I knew he was 'the one'.

So i decided to just be patient. my Temple Day would come.
so i did wait.

and then finally, after courtship and engagement, came time to go to the temple.

the month before was hard. As soon as we got engaged, it was like Satan was determined to do everything in his power to stop us from getting married in the Temple. He put an awful lens over my vision for a few days. Karl was annoying, chastity was annoying, obedience was annoying, i just wanted to to whatever i wanted to do and i didn't care about the consequences.

Luckily, I had a great fiance who knew exactly what was happening, and how i was feeling. And Even luckier, we had a bishop with a rule that he meets with engaged couples every single Sunday to keep things on track. He helped me IMMENSELY. I literally would not have made it if it weren't for his council and help.

the week before was impossible without help.

Satan seemed to spend ALL of his time shouting at me that i wasn't worthy, that i hadn't been preparing, that Karl wasn't right for me, that i was wasting my time, that blah blah blah every single taunt or slander you can possibly imagine, he threw it my way.

It was hard.
i was exhausted.

I was also frustrated because i felt like people were tiptoeing around me when i asked them questions about the temple. Yes, there are sacred things that we keep to ourselves, but that is only a few things. I KNEW that, and i KNEW that people COULD tell me a lot more than they were. i didn't know what to expect and quite frankly, i was terrified that i was going to walk into a room and see like, an animal sacrifice going on or something freaky weird happening that would make me feel uncomfortable. I wished someone would just tell me, "hey, this is what happens, you're going to be fine."

My sister Allison took me to go buy a pure white Temple dress, and i picked out a beautiful but simple dress with floral stitching. We bought my Temple Garments and Robes. Everything felt so well made and pretty. I started to be really excited.

I moved into my new apartment the night before I was to go to the temple. I slept on the floor because we didn't have a bed yet.
I prayed my guts out, really scared and feeling completely unworthy.

when i woke up in the morning, i did the same thing over again.

The day had come.
August 8th, 2015.

I woke up, prayed, read my scriptures, prayed, read my Patriarchal Blessing, prayed, cried, and then i took a shower and i always sing in the shower. I unconsciously started singing children's hymns. It wasn't long before "I love to see the temple" was coming softly from my mouth. My voice caught at the words, "I'll go inside someday" because my mind changed them to "I'll go inside today.".

This was the day i had worked so hard for.

and i really was ready.

Karl and i cleaned my old apartment, and that took almost all day.
And then we changed, got all my things ready, and we drove to the Payson Utah Temple. I was nervous and fidgety the whole drive. We were going to be way early, and i don't do well with waiting while i'm nervous, so we stopped at Walmart before hand to get some apple juice and granola bars because i was hungry.

While we were driving i expressed my frustration about people "tiptoeing around me" Karl looked at me and smiled. I love that dear boy's smile. He said, "Melissa, i promise, you're not going to see or hear or do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. I promise, there's nothing in the temple that you haven't already believed since you were a teeny little kid, because i know you were raised to kep the commandments and that's literally all this is. It's just a ceremony where you formally promise to keep the commandments. It's what you've been doing every week when you take the sacrament, it's just in God's house, and you say it a specific way, wearing specific clothes. We do this in the Temple because we're completely safe in there from temptation. And they do everything they can to let you know what you're doing before you do it, and you can say no if you really want to. If you feel weird, you really can leave. They give everyone that option, every time, your first, your tenth, your one hundredth time, they'll give you that option. No one is forcing you to do anything."
he told me how much he loved me and how proud of me he was. He bore his testimony to me of the power of the temple, and the peace i would feel.

and then we were there,

and Karl looked like a model while he was one the phone with his sister for a minute

I was nervous and fidgety and just wanted to go in, but we were waiting for my mom, who was going to escort me since it was my first time.

My mom got there, and it was time to go inside.

My nerves reached a boiling point right before we walked inside and i was so anxious that my eyes started to tear up, and then we walked through the doors.

But then

I was completely calm.

A wave of peace rushed over me as if someone was wrapping me in blanket.

My senses were still and quiet as we walked through the gorgeous halls. We got all checked in, because we had a scheduled time.

There are two parts to receiving an endowment.
1) The Initiatory
and 2) The Endowment Session

One is private, just you and the temple workers, the second is a large group of people.
I got dressed, hugged my mom who waited outside the room on a comfy bench next to a giant gorgeous painting Aaron being ordained in the Old Testament.
Then, i went in to my initiatory alone.

There were several sweet old ladies who helped me. They explained to me many blessings i would receive that day, and they prayed with me, that i might have all of those blessings, and all that knowledge. we moved from one tiny room to another until all the blessings of the initiatory were given and explained. Then in the last little room they explained a little more about my temple Garments, and how respectfully i should treat them, and i exited.

The blessings were in-expressively wonderful.
I felt completely clean, i felt strong. physically strong, and spiritually uplifted. Like, literally lifted up. I felt literally like angels, or God, or something higher than me, were lifting up my soul. Filling it with light and power to do whatever i needed to do.
I felt very safe. I felt protected. A protection i can't explain fully, because i can't find the words.

My mom immediately stood and hugged me, tears in both our eyes.
The spirit of God was felt strongly between us, and in the room.
Then out of the corner of my eye i saw someone hurrying toward me.

My dear sister Allison, who maybe more than any other human understands everything i've been through, everything i've explained here and more, and how hard i have worked to get to where i was that day. All of my siblings love and understand me, but Allison and i have been through a lot together, and shared similar struggles.
we practically ran to each other, and threw ourselves into a hug. She whispered, "Isn't it wonderful?!" It was all i could do to shake my head. I let out a small laugh, i couldn't verbally express what i was feeling, but there was too much joy to contain. so i laughed.

My mother walked me back to my changing room. as soon as the door was closed and i was alone, i wept and prayed in gratitude for this opportunity, and for the trust and gladness i felt from God.

I changed again, into my new white temple dress.

The temple Matron (The head lady, who is usually like old and super wise and knows everything about temples.) sat with my mother and i in a room and answered any questions i had about temple garments, or the initiatory. She read through some FAQs in case, and then she told me how happy she was for me.

My mother walked me to the Endowment room. Karl was waiting outside the door for me. He was wearing a white shirt, white tie, and white pants. He looked so handsome and clean and happy! His face was glowing! He hugged me and kissed me very gently, and then we walked in together, hand in hand. The men and women sit on separate sides of the room, so Karl sat right across from me.
i got to sit in the front row, with my mom. Then everyone started filing in. all my family members and my bishop with his wife. They all gave me giant smiles and little friendly waves. My sisters all sat around me. My dad smiled at me from the other side of the room with tears in his eyes.

Karl was signing to me excitedly, "you look beautiful. I love you."
I signed, "I'm very happy, but very nervous!"
He signed, "It's going to be great, don't worry." and then after a pause and a big smile, "wow, you are beautiful!"

Then the instruction started, and i was SO nervous. We learned about the creation of the world and Adam and Eve, everything that i'd read in the scriptures since i was a tiny child. I was actually surprised that there wasn't anything new or startling. I kind of kept waiting for something to make me uncomfortable, but nothing came. haha. Maybe that sounds weird, but everyone had been so vague about what would happen, i didn't know what to expect.

Here's what happened:

we sat and listened to the story of the creation of the world, and the story of Adam and Eve, and it made me really appreciate Jesus Christ, because he saved us from suffering from Adam's transgression. He provided a way to return to God, but be clean from all the bad things we might do on earth. He also made it possible for ALL of us, each of us, to live again AFTER we die. to be resurrected! To have our bodies again, and live forever! literally every single person who has ever lived, who is living now, and who will yet live, gets to live forever in a perfected version of their body after they die, because of Jesus Christ.

Every once and a while, at certain points in the presentation that corresponded with the story, we'd stand up and add a piece of the temple robes to the full clothes we were already wearing. The clothing is beautiful, and just helps us visualize what Adam and Eve went through.

Then, after we learned about Adam and Eve, we promised to obey God's commandments. They weren't new commandments, they were all the same virtues i'd learned about my whole life from the scriptures. The same commandments we promise to keep every week when we take the sacrament, and the same commandments we promise to keep at baptism, and every day as we live to be like Jesus. It was totally normal and peaceful, and felt like Sunday school. Of course i'll keep the commandments, of course i'll have to sacrifice to do that, but it will be worth it. Of course i'll be chaste. Of course i'll follow the Prophet and give to the poor and needy.

I've been trying to doing all those things my whole life,
the Temple was just the first time i formally promised to do so.

Then, the person who had been giving the presentation says a prayer. anyone who wants to can go stand at the front of the room with him while he says it. Most people stay seating and just listen from their seats reverently. I went to the front, with Karl and my siblings. We all held hands and smiled at each other.

Then, everyone goes one by one to one end of the room that has a big partitioning curtain instead of a door. It represents the veil between Heaven and Earth. Everyone goes to that end of the room and quietly talks with a temple worker about what they learned. Since Karl and i were getting married in a week, They let him stand in for the temple worker. I got to tel him the things i'd learned, and he got to ask me questions. It was a sweet experience. Then we walked past the curtain together and he gave me a big hug before we went into the "Celestial Room" which represents Heaven.

and that was it.

nothing weird, nothing foreign. No weird memorized group chants, no smoke and incense. Not anything secret or scary. literally anything and everything that happens in the temple is in the scriptures.

It was all just simple, beautiful doctrine. i loved it.

As Karl and i hugged i heard several old ladies whisper, "oh, they are just so cute!" hahaha.

We walked into the room, and i hugged each of my family members who were able to come. I hugged my bishop and his wife, who were so happy and proud of me. I thanked them for their help, and for coming. I hugged my old roommate Stephanie and her husband Connor who had come, too. We all stayed and talked for a few minutes. My siblings and i mentioned that we wished Jenae, Phillip, Donny, and Christine were there to complete the sibling group.

And then we went to the changing rooms and put back on our regular clothes.
we tried to take some pictures outside, but the flash wasn't really working with my family. Looked great with Steph, though! haha

hahah our eyes kind of look creepy. But i promise we were happy! SO SO SO happy!

It was the best day of my life, tied with my wedding day.
I was indescribably happy, and i felt completely whole for the first time in my entire life.

If you read all the way to the end, way to go! That was a long one.
If you skimmed, know this:

I made the best decision of my life that day. It was beautiful and happy and i do not regret it a single bit. I am proud that i got there, and so happy that it FINALLY came true.

Also, know that more than anything in the world, I love Jesus Christ. I love His Gospel. I love His Church. I love His Temples.

God's mercy is real.
I was redeemed.

I was so broken, that i thought i could never be whole again, but i was wrong.
the Atonement of Jesus Christ healed my fractured soul.
And then He made it strong, and gave it protection.
Now i AM whole.

I feel that.
I know that.

It is all so true.

Former Best Friend

2015-11-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Marissa,

You've been on my mind lately. a lot.
You and i were attached at the hip for nearly six years. We grew up together. You were practically my sister. Then one day we bumped into each other at a high school theatre production and all we saw were strangers with the same faces as the girls we used to love.

I've been thinking about that interaction lately.
It was forced.
It was fake.
I treated you exactly the same as i would have if you were a person from high school who i had in that one class that one year. You treated me like that, too.
It was obvious that we both wanted the past.
We both wanted to hug and act like nothing had happened, but our jokes were tired. Our lives were so far apart from each other that we didn't know what to say. I couldn't even think of a question to ask you, but i literally knew nothing about you anymore.

I hated it.

But you know what? I'd seen you across the room several times that night. I purposefully avoided you at first, thinking it would be too awkward. Thinking you would brush past me or something. So i left. I walked completely out of the building with Jenae, got in my car, backed out, started driving away. I said quietly, "Marissa was there." Jenae said, "I Know! Did you get to talk to her?" "No."
and then i stopped the car. I froze for a second, staring at the dashboard. Then i pulled into the nearest paring spot, literally jumped out the car and ran back into the building through the drama room and found you in the crowd. Then i marched my way over to you, propelled by adrenaline, and hovered around your group of friends until their was a break in conversation. I tapped on your shoulder to say hi to you.

I wanted you to be surprised, and i wanted it to feel good, and i wanted to tell you everything in my heart, and i was so ready to apologize and sit with you and explain everything and beg forgiveness,

but that weird exchange happened instead. A too-polite sounding voice came out of my genuine-intentions mouth and ruined everything.

we walked away from each other with our separate groups of friends and i drove home in silence.

You know, when your niece Gemma was born i cried because i was so happy for you. I knew what that would mean for your family after everything you've been through together, and i was excited that you would get to feel that new kind of exciting love for a child.
You got to see the Jonas Brothers in concert before they broke up and i giggled like an idiot when i saw your pictures, because i knew you were getting to do something you'd wished for since middle school.
I even watched Michael's creepy cult movie even though i don't do scary/dark stuff, because you were in it and i knew it must have been important to you and that you were proud of it. I thought you were incredible. It made me think of all the times we performed together. You're a passionate actress, and loved feeding off your energy on stage. I wish we would have done the Hellen Keller scene together for Amador senior year.

You sent me a waffle maker as a wedding gift and i cried, which i know sounds weird, but it just let me know that you didn't hate me. It also whisked me back to my living room, after sophomore year of high school when we made waffles and eggs and breakfast things and watched Camp Rock 2 and ripped up my stuffed monkey from an ex-boyfriend like we'd done for you with an old crush the previous summer. I can still picture what we were wearing, and our reactions to the movie, and that by the time you all went home, it was getting hot outside.
Karl asked me who the waffle maker was from and i said, "Dobchinsky Marissa" and he smiled. He's heard so much about you. I wish you could meet him. I wish he could meet you. He's so good, Marissa. He's more than i ever dared to wish for. All those times we talked about things we wanted in a marriage and a home and a husband? He is all of those things. He makes me so happy.

But in all of that happiness, i still feel a hole when i see your name.

I regret very few things about my life, because i feel like even my bad choices helped me see the way i should have been living, and they propelled me to change.

But i regret leaving you.

I regret leaving you behind without marching to your door and spilling my heart on your sidewalk. I regret not making more of an effort to show you that i meant my apologies. I regret going to see "Once" In San Francisco with you literally RIGHT behind me on the bus and not saying a single thing to you because i was embarrassed.

I feel uncomfortable around some of your friends because i never knew them very well, and i don't think they like me. Even beyond that i feel uncomfortable around them because i know they love you, and they know who you are know.

I don't know you now.
But that shouldn't have stopped me from talking to you.

I was talking to Karl about you last night as i was falling asleep.
"we were like twins, and then i blinked and we were complete strangers." i said softly.
"How did it get like that, if you were so close?" He mumbled sleepily
"I don't know. After Disneyland? Time just, stretched us, i guess."

and then i fell asleep, and dreamed about us on the first day of school, rushing to classes and dancing in the car on the way home. Doing the same thing over again the next day and the next day and the next.

I said, "I don't know" when he asked me what happened, but i do know.

Senior year, we were as close as ever. inseparable isn't a word i use lightly. We were everywhere together. When I wasn't with you, people asked me where you were, assuming we should be ride beside each other. I loved that. I loved that people associated you with me and me with you. We were a package deal. People knew us as "Marissa and Melissa".

Toward the end of the year, as the musical was ending, we both started dating boys who were different than the kind we usually went for. Honestly, i don't ACTUALLY know anything about your relationship. I judged it, i made assumptions, and i disapproved because i thought it came with people, if that makes sense. Like you linking with that boy linked you with an entire group of people who i knew didn't like me, and i didn't like them. You choosing that boy felt like you were choosing all of those other people, too. So i felt like you were choosing to be 'anti-melissa' as well.

I did the exact same thing.

I dated a boy who was absolutely toxic for me. Zero good things came out of that relationship, and it poisoned a lot of my other relationships that were actually good, because those people tried to show me what i was doing and i didn't want to believe them, so i cut them off.
The stupidest thing was, The boy I was dating was previously in the group of people who i didn't like, and they didn't like me! I had aligned myself with a category of people i wanted to be nothing like. The same group of people attached to your boyfriend were the people attached to mine. Hypocritically I blamed your relationship for our falling out.

In all actuality i think was both.

Your relationship and mine pushed each other away. Not even because of the actual boyfriends, but because of the lifestyles and the associations.

You were one of those kind people who were just trying to convince me that i wasn't doing what was best for my long-term life. I ignored you. I cut you off. I choked out our relationship bit by bit that last month of school, and when we graduated it was nearly unconscious.

When i broke up with my boyfriend, you were still with yours, and the two boys had very close ties. Too close for my comfort. In my mind, you were now part of that group of people who didn't like me, the group of people who were attached to the boy you dated.

We still saw each other, but mostly because of other people inviting us to the same events. I felt disconnected from you, but i tried not to let it show. I remember our mutually good friend Oscar finally catching a glimpse of it and being shocked, because we'd always been like two peas in a pod.

We stayed friends through the summer and fall, though never fully regaining what we had until Christmas when we went to Disneyland. I was uncomfortable that trip because i'd gained 30 pounds my first semester of college and i felt ugly and fat.
The relationships on that trip, though were perfectly normal. We even shared a bed, haha. It reminded us of the night we'd stayed up until who knows when in the morning plastering Jonas Brothers posters to every available inch of space on your walls and ceiling, and then collapsed exhausted onto your bed and fell asleep next to each other. In the morning your dad came in to wake us up and asked, "you slept int he same bed??" with a weird look on his face. Your mom rolled her eyes and we never let it go. We genuinely laughed at that broken record story for years.

We saw each other a few more times, but then my family life got crazy really quickly and i was very busy with a sister who was very ill pregnant and her 3 young children. and i was working and had church obligations. Most night i was just too burnt out to do anything. I hardly had time for myself, i didn't even think about friends.

Right before i left for school again the spring of 2013, you sent me a message on Facebook. You had assumed some things of me that i thought were unfair, but you also pointed out some truths that were hard for me to hear.

I'd forgotten about you.

but it's not because i didn't love you or want to spend time with you, i had forgotten about everyone. My friends from high school seemed like they were in a completely different world, because i spent all day everyday helping my sister raise her children. Life outside of their schedule was recreation, and i just genuinely didn't have time for that.

My cousin and i were working in a friend's almond orchard one day that summer, and she told me that in Amador, a girl in the room had made a derogatory comment about me, and that you had defended me. "Don't judge her!" you'd said. "You don't know her".
It wasn't until then that i'd realized that it was completely my fault that we stopped being friends. You have always been loyal to me, always supported me, always been there, trying.

I never wanted to make you feel excluded. I never intended to stop talking to you. I had no idea you were feeling alienated. I assumed that you were fine, that we were fine, and that when we saw each other again we'd jump right back on track just like at the beginning of every school year after not seeing each other all summer.

I was wrong. I was so wrong, that it was painful to realize. I was so wrong, that i couldn't make it right again. I was so wrong, i ruined our relationship.

It was no longer about boys, it was no longer about other friends or groups of supposed people who i was judging.

It was about me and you.

It was about you feeling neglected, and me not noticing. It was about me not valuing our friendship that i claimed to cherish, when you were still fighting for it.
You'd been fighting for so long, that you were tired. So you took a break, and realized that i wasn't even trying.

I'd hung us out to dry, and not returned for us until the sun had bleached all the color out of us. We were empty.

We were over.

I saw you a couple time after that, including the exchange i described at the beginning of this. I'd invited you over to make pizza, but never followed through, and then it was time for me to go back to school again. I'd inadvertently shown you, again, that i didn't actually care abut you as much as i said i did.
You told me you felt like one of those people who i acted nice to but didn't actually like.

I denied that fiercely,
but,
you were right.
I had treated you that way.

I know that we will never have what we once did, but i wish i could let time and space be the only reason we fell apart.
I hate that it was my fault.
I hate that i didn't try harder.

I just want you to know that i never thought of you in any other regard than that of my best. friend. I never doubted your regard for me, and i never talked poorly about you behind your back. There would have been nothing poor to say. You are incredible, and have always been incredible. I never wanted you out of my life. I never intentionally pushed you out, but when your grip loosened, i didn't pull you back and i'm sorry.

If i had the money i would literally be on a plane right now, hoping to tell you all of this in person.
I wish i could see you again.
I wish we could laugh again.
I wish we could be friends again.

I never, even in my worst nightmares, thought i would be living a life without you in it. Even in my nightmares, you were with me.

We're just both so different now, we can never go back to the way it was.

I just wonder if we can start over?

like literally, just start completely clean.
I'm writing you a letter. Your home address is the only one i have for you, and the only means of communication i have for you that i know would get through to you. I don't have your number, I've tried messaging you on facebook, i feel insincere on instagram, so i'm writing all this out and mailing it to you in the post.

Marissa, can we start over?
I don't want you to be just a face in my photo albums. When my husband, and my children flip through photos of us, i want them to smile because they know who you are.

I don't know if it could ever be that way.
I don't know if i've permanently ruined us.
I know i've ruined the old us, the children us, the two girls who grew up hand in hand, but i hope the bridge isn't completely burnt.

You were a part of me that i was proud of, and i don't want to forever loose you.

Can we start over?

Hello?
My name is Melissa Michiale Horlacher.
I am 21.
I am married.
I live in Utah.
I am working part time and taking 3 online classes, the completion of which will mark my graduation from BYU-Idaho.
My hair is short now. above the shoulders.

If you don't hate me, please write back. Or call me, my number is still the same as it was in 2008. I'll put it in the hand-written letter, but not here on the internet.

I don't know which you'll see first.
either way, Know that i loved us, and a part of my heart still loves a part of yours, but it would love to love the whole thing again.

I don't necessarily deserve a second chance from you, but i'm asking for one.

Yours truly,
Melissa Michiale.

______________________________________

August- almost married

2015-10-13T20:57:00.000-06:00

Sometime in June, (I'm not sure when), Karl and i were talking about what i would do for a job after we got married. He was planning to go to school full time to start the Accounting Junior Core, and i knew that i would be the one bringing home the bacon until he finished school.

That had always been the plan, and i was excited about it.

I'd applied to about one million jobs in Provo and had heard back from 3, all of them wanting me to start immediately, but when i explained i was getting married in mid-August and would need 2 weeks off, they all peaced out.

totally understandable.

One day, At Six Peaks, my friend Rachel O said, "you know, you should look for some kind of RA job. Like a live-in married RA position."

I thought that was a good idea, but figured i'd have to know someone. I looked on the internet that night anyway, to no avail. I mentioned all this to Karl and he thought it sounded perfect. we both did.

The next evening, a mutual friend of ours posted on Facebook about a live-in assistant manager position for the complex both Karl and I were still living in!

long story short, we expressed interest, interviewed, and got the job against large odds, all in a whirlwind of about a week.

I was completely shocked.

we started working immediately, and it was hard, because we A) weren't married yet and B) We were both working full-time already. My job was 24h a day, 5 days a week, so Karl had to do everything during the weekday, and then we'd both do stuff on the weekends.

bless his heart for that, because thats the only reason we got the job.

We were officially the live-in Cleaning Check managers at our favorite apartment complex in Provo!

Here are some pictures that belong to my last Sports Camp post, but i forgot them:

waitin' for an Erin in the rain, in the rain. waitin' for an Erin in the rain.

FEASTING

that's not soda, btw, it's a bunch of different juices mixed together, haha

I am intrigued by children's Art Therapy. It is a far-away dream of mine to own and operate an art therapy preschool. Karl and i have already decided that after we've moved away from Provo with a couple kids to wherever he'll be settling down for work, i'll start a higher degree online in child psychology. Then once all of our kids are in school (like, when my youngest starts kindergarten) I'll go back to an actual, physical school for a higher degree in Art therapy from whichever university we live closest to. I'm already excited, haha. And i plan on making my future children little test subjects along the way so that i have plenty of material to draw from.

Anyway, i've been doing "Art Therapy Thursday" with myself for a little under a year now. I've been researching a lot of adult methods, but honestly i can only learn so much on the internet. I need some books in my life, but i have no time for recreational reading right now. sad.

ANYWAY.

a method i've been wanting to try is foil-masking. There are a several projected benefits that i won't go into.

long story short i mostly just wanted to see how difficult/unnerving it was for me, to know if i could try it with a child.

So naturally, Karl was my fellow guinea pig.

okay despite our awful faces, it was fun.

(ps we bought matching shirts at Macy's for $2.00 that day and immediately changed into them because we thought we were cool. ahahaha)

Karl kept making the masks kiss when i was trying to take pictures. hahaha.

Karlitos

y mi,

ALSO KNOWN AS GIANT FOREHEAD

consensus: I would NOT do this to a child.

MAYBE an older child could handle doing it to themselves, but having foil pressed over your mouth and nose is unnerving, and for a child could be frightening, haha. It was a fun date, and had i done it alone i probably would have enjoyed the full range of projected emotions that supposedly come from foil masks.

(If you ARE looking for art therapy ideas for your young children, or even yourselves, i have a bunch of techniques/ideas. Also, i love this blog: "Love that Max" The author is an art therapist who is the mother of a boy with special needs, and it is FULL of ideas for (mostly) developmentally appropriate art activities.

FLAG UPDATE:

we decided that in addition to the family flag that i would sew, we wanted a painting for both our sons and our daughters to hang in their bedrooms.

(YES, I KNOW THIS IS YEARS AWAY. It will be at LEAST five years before i have a child who is close to reading anything at all. I know they won't be able t read the motto we hang in their room. I am a firm believer that if you make a decision before the question comes, it is easier to stand with your convictions. Karl shares this belief, and we hope that our future children will come to know it's truth as well. We want t help them in every way we can, so we think a painting of our family's motto hung in their room in a simple, unobtrusive way of reminding them who they are. We feel good about having made this decision far far far in advance. love me.)

Of the sketches below we chose the gradient mountains for our future Sons

and this floral one for our daughters

I drew these all while on hospital duty one day. We were in the waiting room for like 4 hours, but i didn't even notice.

I don't know if i've posted this picture already, but Jonathan left this note in my scriptures and i thought it was really sweet :)

One weekend when i came home from Sports Camps, i literally opened the door to find a tower of presents with my name on it.

OH, my roommates. We had a great time last summer. This summer it was all the same girls, and one new one, and i don't know if it was the fact that i was engaged, the fact that i worked more, or what, but things were different this year. hahaha. Leah still rocked, though.

I HATE BEING HOT. it is gross. you can only take off so many layers! You can literally have zero clothing on, and still be miserably warm.

I'd much prefer to put ON layers in the cold and control my temperature.

my roommates liked it HOT

one night i sent Karl this picture on Snapchat to summarize my annoyance.

seriously though, folks, this was early August. WHY IN THE WORLD WAS THE FLIPPING HEATER ON. WHY DO YOU NEED IT TO BE EIGHTY DEGREES RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T BREEEEEEEAVE.

I love a lot of things about Karl, but my absolute favorite thing is that his faith in God is literally his top priority. While we were just dating, i remember him telling me one night, "You're not my top priority. God is the most important thing to me. If He wasn't, i wouldn't be a very good husband and father."

It took me a few minutes to let that sink in and be appreciated. At first i was a little stung, to be honest. But after a minute or so, i just felt grateful for a man so devoted to what he knows to be true.

August 7th was the anniversary of our first official date!

Karl, the expert re-creator, was at it again. He took me BACK to JDawgs and Rita's. He wanted to park and sit in the same places, but there were a lot of people out that night, so we didn't exACTly replicate it. I still thought the effort was cute :)

He was so excited!

He got Smores.which is chocolate custard on top of marshmallow gellati on top of graham crackers. it was delicious.

I got Swedish fish gellati with vanilla custard on top, and IT WAS THE BOMB.

we sat in the same place that we did the first time :)

we were being super goofy, and we both talk with our hands a lot, even when we're not signing, haha. there was an old man in his adorable truck to our right. we saw him, Karl made a remark about loving old people, but that was it. we didn't think anything of him. about half way through our dessert the old man got out of his truck, walked up to our table and handed me a $2 bill. He said, "get another treat. you two are so sweet."

ADORABLE.

slash what?

we really do love old people.

On August 8th, 2015, i received my Temple Endowment.

That experience will get its own post.

I didn't want to post this without referencing that one, because it was the best thing I've ever done.

I didn't want it to go unsaid.

July & August: Goodbye BYU Sports Camps

2015-10-07T20:06:00.000-06:00

These pictures are making me feel quite nostalgic.

The past two summers have been wonderful. the best times of my life.

I met many lovely people and felt the spirit in miraculous ways.

Every monday night we had field games, but several Mondays it rained, and we had Field games in the IPF. This is us bringing Kyle a Creamie as we walked the perimeter, keeping lil children safe and stuff.

I like leaves.

BYU has some pretty cool kinds.

an update on Cornmeal:

this was probably a month after the incident. Healing nicely, but definitely going to leave a scar. I stopped bandaging it, but reapplied neosporin every night and aloe vera every morning.

I was a real happy camper most of the time.

I LOVED that job.

There were a couple of instances this summer where, as a DC, i needed to take over for a counselor for one night because of extenuating circumstances.

This was one of them.

they called me Nana. hahaha.

i was taing this picture of a heart-shaped leaf for Karl, and they all jumped in.

They thought my engagement was SOOOOOO romantic and asked me nonstop questions about him and the wedding plans.

I loved it.

5 weeks after:

I continued to send Karl cheesy I love yous via text.

This is cookie crumbs.

Speaking of Karl, i watched Tarzan and realized that baby Karl looks EXACTLY LIKE KARL.

sometimes, Karl will be sitting across the room while we both do homework. He'll reach out both of his hands as far as he can, and then open and close his fists really fast, motioning that he wants a hug. I think it's cute.

In this frame of the movie, Tarzan is doing the SAME hand motions. aka my husband is baby tarzan.

Karl hated the comparison.

Now it's a joke.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Baby Tarzan.

ahh, DC life. many a chapter of Jane Austen was read while on Door duty.

a little harder to decipher, but an I heart you, nonetheless.

plus leaves in general because there are SO MANY COOL KINDS on BYU campus.

A+ for landscapers.

6 weeks after:

I passed this tree every day, and every day i thought to myself, "that tree looks like an angry muppet."

this one? Sam the "eagle"?

whatever.

can these two please be a thing? K, cool. Erake fo life.

dat SAB view, doe.

mmm, those mountains in the summer.

btw:

a typical meal at the cannon center (although i usually had a bowl of salad instead of an additional entree. cause you know, veggies an stuff. )

I love good counselors.

I love them so much that i made up an award for them with the help of the DCs and head counselors. IT was called, "the Real MVC" Most valuable counselor.

At the end of each week, the DCs and Head counselors, during their daily morning meeting, would talk about counselors who impressed us. Ones we were consistently pleased with, ones who were obedient and trustworthy, all the scout motto and such.

Each DC would name one of their counselors from the week who they thought deserved to be the MVC, and why.

We'd all discuss. 1) the counselor in question must not have ever been a source of disobedience or defiance. 2) The counselor must have always been with their campers when they were supposed to have been. 3) We usually picked one girl and one boy, but one week there were two guys and one girl.

Every weekend i went to DI and got smei-matching super weird gifts for them that i definitely should have taken pictures of, but i forgot.

these are from the last week:

hooray!

I'm a fan of making cards.

I'm a fan of drawing dragons.

they often merge. like this one:

The last week of camp, so many of our zorb balls had popped that we only had a few left to blow up! It was a cinch and only took us a few minutes. most of the DCs hopped into them and had a chat. My chat turned into a nap.

meanwhile, Karl was loving his last transfer teaching ASL missionaries.

TWO MONTHS after incident:

one rainy monday night, we had bounce houses and a velcro wall for field games. i tried the velcro wall and got STUCK TO THE WALL BY MY HAIR. i got off the wall, but fell down and then my hair was stuck to the velcro suit that i was wearing. I hobbled to the bathroom and slowly tried to peel it away. I was groaning and crying, when a tiny Asian woman came out of a stall, gasped, and said, "oh no! I help you!"

SHE PROCEEDED TO RIP THE VELCRO SUIT AWAY FROM MY HEAD, TAKING A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF HAIR WITH IT.

I yelped, and then slowly peeled the remaining section away from the velcro, withOUT the woman's help. I looked like hermione for the rest of the evening.

and my scalp hurt.

I finished another journal.

I spoke five words to Steve Young while he dropped his daughter off at a camp.

I compiled this package with the help of a lot of other counselors after our dear friend's mother passed away and she needed some happy things.

a big drawback of doing 'flashback' blog posts is that they lack the passion of the moment. I remember feeling so many beautiful things while this picture was taken.

I love these people.

This was the best summer i've ever had.

I wish i could say more, but just look at our smiles!

The picture speaks for itself.

and one last thing.

"oh, you're trying to sleep past 7:45 am? LET ME PLAY YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME TO BLOW DIRT AND LEAVES THAN NOW."

July - My Bridal Shower

2015-10-05T11:43:00.000-06:00

My sister Allison and her husband Kent are some of the best hosts I've ever known. They have earned through hard work, and have been blessed with, a large home. They do not take it for granted. They share it with anyone and everyone because they know they are fortunate and it would be selfish of them to keep it for themselves.

MY siblings are all my best friends, but i've always felt a particular closeness to Allison. We've always been alike in many ways. similar personality, similar interests. I love talking with her and hearing her opinion. I value it. my dear, dear Allison.

she is married to a man named Kent. They are different, but their personalities compliment each other, and i have loved seeing them figure out how to express their love for each other in a ton of different ways over the past decade that they've been married. they were married when i was 10, so Kent has always been more of a brother than a brother-in-law.

He and i are legit homies. our senses of humor are similar, and i don't know, we just have fun together. We're also both very detail-oriented, ahahhaha. maybe to an obsessive point, but oh well. te stuff we do looks great.

Allison, Kent, and i spent the afternoon before my bridal shower setting up for it. I know Allison felt a little weird about me setting up my own shower, but i LOVED it. They had all these fancy decorations and materials for me to use. I ate it up.

popcorn, cookies, and candy. aka my life.

during the shower, the boys had a "bachelor party" for Karl, including bowling, games, and ice cream. He loved feeling celebrated and he loves my brothers/brothers in law, so he had a blast. it was adorable. He totally wants to be just like Kent when he grows up, hahahaha.

I was grateful that some of my closest family and friends at the time were able to come because we all live in Utah right now.

I've never really wanted to live here long term, but i AM super happy that i get to see my family so often, and that i'm around many good LDS friends from home and BYU sports camps.

my Fellow DCs and my boss/the head counselor rachel came. I genuinely teared up when i saw them walking toward the house. I didn't think any of my friends would come, ad i felt loved.

The whole group!

3 sisters, 5 friends, some nieces, a bunch of cousins, and one aunt :)

I truly felt "showered" with affection, and i know that sounds cheesy, but it's real.

The whole process of wedding planning was humbling. Every single person i know seemed to reach out and help me in some way. I was floored by how NICE everyone was being, and how hard they were working to make sure i had "everything i wanted" All i really wanted was to marry Karl in the temple, have my family there with me, and eat cookies. but everyone worked very very, VERY hard to make everything look very nice while we did all that.

I got a lot of thoughtful and fun presents. This bread maker from Derek and Raycelan made me smile.

1) because they know that i would even make bread. even if i wasn't poor, i probably still would. My roommates used to say i was a 1950s housewife, "all you need is a ring". (They definitely told Karl the weekend he vistited me in Rexburg. haha. It's one thing to think about marrying your boyfriend while in your own imagination. It's a completely separate thign for OTHER people to imply that you will marry your boyfriend. and it's nerve-wracking.)

and 2) because they had already made a loaf with it :) which was yummy.

ps i miss my long hair.

When my sister Katrina had her bridal shower, my oldest sister Rebecca interviewed Katrina's then-fiance, now-husband, Phillip. They asked him questions about Katrina, the relationship, etc. Then they showed the video at the bridal shower, but before each of his answers, they'd pause the video and ask Katrina what SHE thought he would say.

thought the whole thing was very romantic, and ever since then, I've been very excited to have my own bridal shower video :)

It did not disappoint.

first of all, Karl is so cute i could just stare at him all day long and be perfectly content.

secondly, hearing HIM tell his side of everything in our relationship was endearing. It was nice to know that i was guessing right when wondering how he felt about certain little things.

I especially liked that he called my eyes big and brown an adorable.

my heart.

you can tell how much i loved the game by my face here:

soaking. it. up.

After the party, i tok a picture with my sisters who were there. As per usual, i could not take a normal picture. sorry, guys, hahaha.

I am fortunate to have these strong, virtuous, covenant keeping women in my life.

As soon as Karl came back from the bachelor party i gave him a giant kiss on the mouth. He was excited to see all the presents and i was excited to hear about his "bachelor party"

my flowers from the event:

my spoils:

Thank you, all those who came! And thank you to several who couldn't come but still wished me happiness and love. I needed that encouragement, too.

At the end of the day, i laid my head to my pillow perfectly content with life, and overwhelmed with love for my dear Karl, and for my dear Allison.

she and i have been through much together, and i can't wait to keep going through the rest of our lives. She's a hero.

July- Dates an' stuff

2015-10-03T00:06:00.000-06:00

PICTURE. OVER. LOAD.

What's new? Deal wif it.

On the fourth of July Karl and I got to spend some time with my family. I loved it.

the other day at dinner, I remarked that i missed Donny and Christine.

It's true. I am so lucky to be near many of my siblings while living in Utah, but i am sad to be so far from Donny and Christine an their cutie little girls. Donny and i were very close when he lived at home after his mission, and while we were Rexburg, Christine and i were rocking the sister-in-law relationship. I miss them.

We brought 2 watermelons to share, but not a knife to cut them.

doh!

Karl cut them with Phillip's pocket knife, haha. Karl was sooooo worried that my nephew was right there while he was cutting. Karl is cautious around kids. I think it's adorable.

This was the first time i heard any of my nieces or nephews call him "uncle Karl".

It was Ryder who said it first that specific day, and i about melted.

I don't remember why Caleb and i were sitting in the middle of a field together, but we were, and i'm glad i took this picture. I feel like it's a genuine smile on both of us. Also, i love his hair long. He looks so grown up here! so different from my wittle bub who i used to tuck in at night with Hymns in Spanish in 2013.

I like to leave ridiculous selfies on my siblings and friends' phones. because i can.

sibs.

I miss my hair.

oh, did i mention that i chopped off my hair? because i did. It was an accident and i cried, but we'll save that story from the "Newly-wed" post on my newly-wed blahg.

Provo sunsets aren't quite Rexburg sunsets, but they're still pretty great sometimes. no filter.

Jonathan GASHED the bottom of his foot, so he came to my apartment where i cleaned and bandaged it. meanwhile Karl fell asleep. and then Jonathan fell asleep. and i thought it was cute.

One night we went on a date and carved our initials into a tree because i've always wanted to do that.

Karl has a best friend named Joseph. They are both CODAs. (a Child Of Deaf Adults), and they were companions on an ASL mission in San Jose, CA. Then they were roommates at Cinnamon Tree, and then Joseph was Karl's best man.

This is us playing balloon volleyball one day in the quad. Joseph and Karl were even matching!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha okay don't judge me.

SO.

My family has a flag that we fly on "Happy Hansen Day" every year in honor of my parent's engagement/marriage/forever union/ all our sub-sequential births/ our family in general/ GO HANSENS.

I love that tradition.

My mom and Dad made the flag when they were first married, and flew it every year. I think it's adorable. I brought it up to Karl, he loved it, too. #HorlacherPride

So we decided that he would come up with the 'motto' and i'd design the flag.

This is the rough draft sketch i did of what will be our flag. yes, yes, i know, there are 8 blank spaces for baby's names. don't judge me. who knows how many we'll actually have, but we want a lot and that's our decision.

I'll explain all the meanings and symbols and actual motto in May when i'm finished with the flag. I'm literally Betsy Ross making this flag, and i'm thrilled.

We randomly decided to go roller blading one night while we were engaged because we heard admission was $1 off that night or something. IT WAS SO FUN.

A) Karl dancing= hilarious and goofy just like me

B) Karl trying to roller blade was adorable. I used to spend hours after school roller blading on my driveway, thinking i was michelle dang kwan or something. i can still spin around, just not nearly as fast as i used to. and i can't skate backward anymore.

Karl was impressed with mah moves, i felt cool, and holding hands is fun.

That was a good night minus having to through away my socks because they smelled SO BAD afterward. hahaha.

I don't know why he always winks in pictures, but he does.

technically this should be in my July-Sports Camps post because i'm in the dorms, but i tried out a bunch of wedding hair possibilities.

I wish I had stuck with this one, haha. I could have avoided a lot of tears.

I LOVE it when Karl plans dates. It's more likely that we'll both have a great time when plans them, because i won't be wondering if he hates what i've planned, and he's proud of himself for planing fun things. it's great.

We got free slurpees on 7/11 from 7/11, and then he said he had a surprise for me.

He took me to an adorable used book store here in Provo, tucked away downtown. I LOVED IT. and then he bought me a bunch of books!

I LOVED IT.

hahahahahahahaha snacks and books? Karl, you know me too well.

also, i think it's cute when he takes pictures of me. I like to see what he takes pictures of, it makes me feel like i'm getting a glimpse of what he values. What he appreciates. what he sees when he looks at me. He is tender. often i find pictures like this next one on my phone or his phone.

Just pictures of me doing random things.

He thinks i'm nice to look at.

I like that.

We really like trying new foods together. We don't get to cook together a lot since we've been married because he is at school right until dinner time most days, but he helps me whenever he can, and i like cooking with him.

okay this may LOOK gross, but it was THE BOMB DOT COM.

i found it on Pinterest and the instructions were all in Russian so it was a lot of guesswork for me, but basically you mix mashed potatoes with grated potatoes to make a patty, you put a cheese & veggie filling in the middle of the patty, you close the patty around the filling, you squish it a little so it's kind of flat, and then you fry it.

mmmmmmmm.

(and in case you're wondering about the weird color, i use Red and Purple potatoes whenever i cook, because there are so many more vitamins in the skins than Russets.)

In late June we went to Target to make our gift registry. I've heard MANY different experiences related to this trip, so i was a little nervous.
The little clicker thing wasn't working, and i felt bad for Karl because i knew he wanted to support me but i also knew he didn't car if i got the cups with more dots or less dots. You know? He knew we needed a cup. hahaha. So i was stressed because i was trying to hurry myself along.

Karl was a champion.

To sign, "Champion" in ASL, you hold up your right pointer finger as if you are pointing upward. Then your left hand, in a slight cupped shape, bounces its palm off the tip of the right pointer finger, and your face expresses that whatever you're referring to is the best of its kind. Maybe blow some air out of your cheeks, stress the hand coming down onto the finger by furrowing your brow a little before your hand hits your finger, and then relax your face as it bounces back.

Champion.

THE best.

the greatest.

the winner.

all of the above.

I signed that to Karl several times throughout the trip because i couldn't find a way to tell him that he was being so thoughtful and kind and supportive, and that i appreciated his time.

This is a picture he took at the store, trying to be goofy and diffuse my tension:

He really is perfect for me. He always know how to make me feel better.

Karl's roommate Chris took this picture of us napping one afternoon.

Awkward/funny:

I love to doodle. One night, Mallorie was down from Rexburg, and i doodled while we caught up. Karl did, too:

"I choose you!" wth him casting me out of a pokeball. hahahahaha.

Karl does dishes, too. in case you were wondering, yes, he is practically perfect for me in every way. Not perfect. but perfect for me.

Speaking of which, one afternoon, Karl decided to take me around downtown Provo to look for Street Art, because he knows how much i like dat stuff.

so good lookin'

we found some!

This artist, i don't know who you are, but i think you're cool for painting genuises.

Tesla fo lyf3

rude, Karl. haha

ps the Provo City temple is getting closer and closer to being finished, and it is gorgeous against those mountains:

Karl kicked my butt in Pool

A year ago, on July 24th 2014, Karl and i climbed a mountain to a Y that has been painted on its side to represent BYU. this is when we really hit it off and became friends. I was impressed with him, and i wanted to kiss him when we made it down the mountain because he was just so darn wonderful.

This year, we climbed it again on the same day, July 24th. Pioneer day.

only this time, i got to kiss him :)

(oh hi, Cornmeal)

Karl was kind and let me take my time climbing to the top, pausing as often as i needed to in order to keep breathing properly :)

As we were hiking, Karl asked me if i noticed anything about his outfit.

no.

He laughed and giddily explained that he wore the same exact clothes as he had one year ago to climb. At the top, he was acting all silly, when i finally called him out, he said he had a surprise for me. He asked if i remembered what we did on top of the Y last time. I responded that we shined flashlights down at my friends who were in the park, and we read my Provo bucket list.

"you brought snacks!" he added

"i did."

"GUESS WHAT?!" He beamed, and he whipped two "cowtales" out of his pocket. th very candy i'd brought with me on the hike last year.

He's my favorite human. How sweet to recreate everything! I was completely surprised.

love this sweet boy.

He was incredibly helpful with the wedding invitation process as well. he helped me stuff, lick, address, stamp and send ALL the envelopes. I wanted to include little notes for certain people who i felt helped toward a temple marriage. He did too, so i painted little individual cards for each of those people, about 50 out of the 437 invitations we sent. He and i handwrote notes to those people, (I'd always fancied the idea, but Holla at Bret for showing me it could actually be done.)

I found this picture of him dancin' on a Cinnamon Tree calendar. LOL! get it, Karl!

chillin' with mah homie the Kool-aid guy

and that's July - the mostly dates with Karl version

Stephescope's wedding!

2015-09-28T17:29:00.000-06:00

My dear dear sister blackham/roomie/best friend Stephanie Stephescope sunshine Kjiersten Blackham got married to her utmost homie this summer, a few months before me.

His name is Connor Ray Wright, and i like him, too.

I was thrilled for these two.

I got to be with her for almost the entirety of their dating/engagement, and their story is beautiful. I love watching people fight for each other, and figure things out even when it's hard.

There were a lot of tears, sad, and happy, over Connor.

From Stephanie, AND me and soph.

In the end, everything worked out perfectly for them, and i was so proud of them for making it to the temple and making it in general! they are wonderful examples!

and i got to see mi pequna Sophita again!

Karl and i took selfies, obviously.

hi, he is so handsome.

whata baaaaaaaabe.

Our old roommate Logan (WE ARE TWINS IN THIS PICTURE, LOGAN) came, too! So fun to be reunited!

yayayaya

June - Sports Camps

2015-09-25T00:29:00.000-06:00

This summer i returned my dear Sports Camps, this time as a Dorm Counselor, which meant a lot more responsibility but also a lot more agency, which i appreciated.

This was the first check-in of camp. just me an mah homie Cosmo, chillin.

newly engaged, my phone was full of pictures like this:

Our first field games! First time blowing up Zorb balls (we were all siling because we had no idea what we were about to do, or that we'd be doing it for the next 8 weeks.)

I never get tired of these mountains.

Crocs fo lyf3

the campers always went NUTS over these things. They didn't realize how long it took to inflate them all and set them up. It was worth it to see everyone having such a blast, but that didn't make the prep any easier.

the devil's work.

at Sports Camps, i climb into things.

last year:

tuesday mornign rolled around, and i had a lot of dirty laundry that i wanted to clean. Downstairs in the dorms there are a ton of washers and dryers.

"no worries!" I thought. "I'll clean them here."

wrong.

they wouldn't take my debit card, or my Sports camp ID thang. But i had an armful of dirty clothes that i'd already poured detergent onto.

i turned, discouraged to the door.

BUT LO, AND BEHOLD, THERE WAS A SINK.

so i filled one side with hot water and set to work. then i drained that side as i rinsed each piece in the empty side with cold water. then i rinsed them again in the old hot side. then i wrung them out one by one and laid them on a plastic bag on the floor.

...

but then i realized that i had an armful of soaking wet clothes, and no way to dry them. I went back to my room, thanked the high heavens that i didn't have a roommate that week, and draped my wet clothes all over. ALL over.

I'm glad i took a picture of the clothes' pile, because 'd almost forgotten about it all.

The first Wednesday came, and Wednesday at sports Camps means SIX PEAKS!!! (a water park actually named 7 peaks) there was absolutely no sign of rain, so i was pumped.

I went early to help rachel set up the literal hundred of pizza boxes.

Once they were empty,

I arranged them into a little text for Karlitos :)

After this, I had an accident on a slide and ended up with a giant gash in my left leg after nothing short of a miracle which kept my life.

I'll make that a separate post.

This is me the first Friday morning of camps:

exhausted/fulfilled. couldn't believe one week was already down!

We (The DCs) spent a lot of time in the emergency room with campers who'd gotten hurt. which also meant we spent a lot of time getting to know each other in waiting rooms.

that's how Erin, Amber, and I became so close!

I continued to send pictures of heart shaped things to Karl.

white light makes me happy.

So do the scriptures.

one of the DC duties is watching campers' bags while they eat, since bags aren't allowed in the Cannon Center. i wrote in my journal a lot, and read books.

I had a fixation with shadows this summer

I like to make memes. I think they're funny, and i like to think that I'M funny, and this gives me a chance to show that off.

I posted this picture on the Sports Camps counselors Facebook page:

ONLY BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUEST THING I'VE EVER SAID IN MY LIFE.

and because Zorb balls. those nasty things. #Thedevil'swork

our head counselors aka my bosses minus Derek aka some pretty exceptional humans, doin' business.

I think i already posted this picture. oh well. I like Karl and i would send him cheesy things like this all da thyme.

litter after a movie night in the Tanner building. tsk tsk tsk. preteens these days. No respect for other people's property!

*shakes cane angry at children*

Okay this was adorable.

So every day i would walk to the Sports Medicine people for each of the sports i was 'over' for the week and ask them what i could do for them that day. 99.9% of the time the answer was an unenthusiaastic "we're good" accompanied by an eye roll.

i would flash a smile and thank them for their time while mind-screaming:

I AM CAPABLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. DON'T TREAT ME LIKE AN INCOMPETENT HUMAN. I KNOW STUFF.

One day i was walking to a sports medicine person and i saw a group of boys huddled around a bush along the side walk.

sketchy.

so naturally i go over there, hoping to bust them.

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

There were 2 or 3 older boys, and half a dozen very young boys. like mayyyyybe 10 years old. one of the young boys turned to me, worried, and said, "please don't move it, we were just trying to cover up so no one bothered it."

???

One of the older boys said, "it's okay guys, you can go to practice, i'll explain everything." and all the other boys nodded at the ground (?) and walked away, looking resolved or something. proud maybe? too strong. pleased. whatever.

i was confused and a little annoyed that the older boys told all the others to leave.

usurper.

but then this boy proceeded to tell me that he and his friends had come up on a scene much like the one i saw. but it was just the little boys, huddled around a bush. the older boys asked the little boys what was going on, and they parted, to show the older boys a dead bird laying on the ground.

"We found it here, and we don't want anyone to hurt it, so we're just standing around it until everyone is past an at practice." they told the older boys. The older boys said they'd help. They also felt a little weirded out by the dead bird, so they suggested a burial.

All the boys got a handful of dirt from a DIFFERENT patch of ground and then poured it over the bird. And then they waited for everyone to pass by.

enter me.

okay, so maybe that's weird.

the bird part is definitely weird.

but i thought it was cute that the older boys were helping the little boys.

__________________

Dear Karl, let's have a bunch of sons and let's teach them to be really compassionate like you are, so that they will protect younger kids like these boys. okay thanks, bye.

__________________

the boys:

the bird mound:

(ps i tracked down some grounds-keeping people and told them about the bird so they could dispose of it safely. bird diseases. gross.)

In other news:

I loved walking on this bit of path every day. this little valley of trees is nostalgic to me.

DC life is taking a shower with the hospital radio in the bathroom because you're still on duty and you don't want to miss a hospital call.

Erin and I Tron-ing. I don't remember why we did this but i liked the picture, and i like her, so i'm posting it.

hi, Bambi. NBD.

JEDI!!!!!!!!

This boy was one of my homies from my first week ever last year. He was one of Dylan Shawhan's boys, and he inspired the name "The Jedi Council" He was also like, THE boy. you know the kind. all the girls were over him.

I felt pretty exclusive having INSANE, LOUD, GIANT dance parties under the stadium every week with over a thousand people.

but in case you were wondering, yes, dances are a lot less fun when you're engaged and yo man isn't there. dances last summer were awesome because it was prime show-yo-real-self time.

didn't need to get into crazy melissa mode this year.

ah, swig. your soda is mediocre, but your cookies are supreme.

maybe it's just that i feel lukewarm about any soda and white hot about all cookies.

meh.

I've heard it both ways.

Sports Camps in June were SOOOOOOO nostlagic for me. everything reminded me of last summer. last golden, golden, summer, and all my friends and all my campers and all the times i felt the spirit and prayed so hard to know what to do and felt God's voice in my heart guiding me along.

Last summer is special.

Last summer is sacred to me.

I got to feel tiny glimpses of that in June, but i've been learning how to appreciate the good old days without letting the current ones losing meaning.

I'm grateful for that, because THIS summer was very special, too.

I'm still finding out a lot of little things about it that make it even more wonderful. like the collection of little things in this post.

my life has many great things that are big; my faith, my husband, my family, my job, my education.

But my days in life have many great things that are little.

I am sad when i miss them.

I'll try to share some more with you soon.

Cornmeal: A Near-death experience

2015-09-22T19:58:00.000-06:00

On the first week of Sports Camps, at 7 Peaks water parks after we'd served dinner to the campers, I went with some of the other DCs into the park to race on the slides. Which was awesome. BUT THEN, we decided to do this one slide that goes straight out, and then straight down.

no biggie.

I'd done it before, no problem. I like the thrill.

this time, i went on a sliding mat.

Which i'd done before last year, and had no problem with.

My turn on the slide came, so i laid down in the entrance to the tunnel head first on my mat. I gripped the handles tightly, and when the lifeguard signaled to me, i wiggled the mat a little to get going. I knew not to push off hard with my feet, because i'd done that before and i went too fast, it scared me.

"I'll be safe if i just wiggle forward" i thought.

so i did.

but then i was going very very fast through the tunnel, and my body started to lift up off the mat toward the ceiling of the tunnel. When the tunnel opened into the 120 degree drop, my body flew into the air.

This sounds lame, but honestly everything screeched into slow motion.

I saw the slide in front of me get further away.

i was holding my mat so tightly my knucles were white. The mat was somehow suctioned to the slide or something, because it never came up off the slide like my body did. I was gripping the handles, but my arms were fully extended. My body was parallel to my mat, but i was two feet above it in the air.

As i gained speed, I felt my body starting to fall back toward the mat again, but something was wrong. I had shifted. My legs had flung over me, and the momentum had almost completely flipped me onto my back in the air. I was two feet above the slide, and from my waist down, i was over the edge.

Time literally felt like it was stopped. I saw in my mind's eye, my body falling back toward the mat, but my waist hitting the edge of the slide, flipping me backward, hurtling a hundred feet to a cement death.

I know i didn't make any sound but i felt my heart cry out, "NO! I cannot die. I have to finish Sports Camps, I have to marry Karl, i have to work at Cinnamon Tree, i have finish school, i have to be a mother, I will not die. OH please, God, i cannot die. Please oh please i cannot die."

I felt, still in painful slow motion, my body getting closer to the slide, half of me still off course. I felt like i was screaming as i plummeted, hoping, praying, willing myself to move. I had no control over my legs. I couldn't flip them back over. I was going to fall on the edge and flip over the side to my death.

You've likely heard the phrase, "my life flashed before my eyes". I had, and i'd scoffed at it.

how cliche.

But, barreling through the air down that slide, at paralyzing speed and somehow simultaneously halted in mid-air, my life flashed before my eyes.

I remembered many precious things, and i didn't wonder how anything would work out when i got to heaven, or how the world would be without me, i just felt a very sudden peace. I remember physically blinking, and my vision becoming so bright that i could barely make out the slide.

All of this probably took one entire second of real time, but it felt like whole minutes had passed, me in the air, my life held by a string.

I remember time seeming to rewind a bit, seeing myself re-enter the slide in double time. All at once i was conscious of a twirling sensation, a thudding feeling as my body fell perfectly back onto my mat, and then a very sharp pain in my left leg.

Suddenly i was bumping to a stop at the bottom of the slide. I sputtered out a mouthful of water and shakily pushed myself up.

As soon as i stood, my left leg buckled. I winced and looked down to see a giant gash in my leg.

When i had fallen back onto my mat, my body had miraculously realigned itself into place, except for my left leg, which had fallen last second onto the edge of the slide. My leg, just above my knee, slid on the side of the slide for the rest of the way, burning through my outer skin straight to the fleshy part of my leg. The burn had been so sudden and hot, that it cauterized itself.

There was no blood, and the water hardly stung at all.

I was left with a 1/4" deep gash in my leg, showing straight through to the flesh.

But i had my life.

I shook my head quickly, trying to get back to reality. I looked up to see several of my friends waiting for me at the end of the slide, with gaping mouths. They didn't speak for a moment, but when they did, they incredulously exclaimed, "You were literally out of the slide! I really thought you were going to flip over the edge! How are you alive?!"

I tried to chuckle it off. I hate people doting on me.

We all walked to the wave pool but i didn't stay, i walked back to the pavilion to get some Neosporin.

I was in such a daze, i don't remember applying any or taking any picture but i must have, because here it is below. Grainy, but real.

It's a little gross.

don't look if you're squeamish.

the next dozen pictures are of the cut,

so feel free to skip ahead.

.....

...

I also must have sent these pictures to Karl while i was out of it, because when i got back to campus i had about 50,000 texts and calls from him wanting to know what happened and if i was alright.

That night, after i showered, and re-applied medicine:

the next morning (Day 2):

Day 4:

Day 5

Day 6:

around 10 days, the sides started creeping toward each other again, closing the deepest parts, which left bright pink shiny skin over the top. the wider shallower part stayed open longer which i thought was interesting. It began to develop a film of mucusy liquid, which i looked up. It sounded normal for burns, and WebMD encouraged me not to wipe it off too much, as it was my body's neosporin so to speak. So i cleaned it once a day, but during the day sometimes it would dry, forming a layer of little crusties liek the kind in your eye when you wake up, but filling my wound. gross. one fo the other DCs observed that it looked like Cornmeal.

from then on, the cut, and now even the scar, are affectionately referred to as "Corn Meal" by those most frequently surrounding me during the healing of this cut. AKA the DCs and Karl.

Day 12:

About 2 weeks in, Karl bought me these super heavy duty band aids. and they worked SO WELL. the wound started closing dramatically, but the band aids were so sticky that my skin ripped off at the corners of the band aids. ow.

Day 15:

Day 16:

Day 17:

see what i mean? closing dramatically.

BLAH

I tried to joke about it. When people asked me, i played off the story like it was funny. I laughed.

but it hurt a lot.

And it was scary.

I thought i would die.

I really thought i would die.

But i didn't. something pulled me back onto that slide.

It was a genuine miracle.

You'd better believe hat that night, and every night after, i prayed with my whole heart in gratitude for my life. You'd better believe that i took things more seriously after that day.

It changed me.

made me more sincere and honest.

I opened up.

I stopped caring about what other people thought.

That slide made me better.

It's hard to explain, but i'm grateful for that experience, because it's helped me appreciate actually living my life. Truly experiencing people.

so yeah.

That's all concerning cornmeal in June.

i'll show you the scar later.

June - Fiance and Friends

2015-09-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

You're all aware that i take a supercilious amount of pictures. all the time. and you're all dealing with it, which i'm grateful for.

I had so MANY pictures, that i've split them up.

The first section being this one. Fiance and friends. Karl is my best friend, and i think he's super cute. So that's a lot of pictures. My siblings and i are all very close, and this summer we were lucky enough to have 6/8 of us living in Utah, so we saw each other a lot. More pictures. I started working at BYU Sports Camps again in early June, this time as a "DC". A Dorm Counselor, there are only 10, and they work very closely together, literally all day every day. So the 10 of us became thick as thieves very quickly. a few more pictures.

here they are, out of order:

Karl and da homie. she's a stinking cutie and he LOVES babies. they were little buddies all night when we babysat for my sister Rebecca.

Karl with Babies. STAHP. He's adorable.

not. helping.

my ovareeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

I continued to send him little love not text messages because i was a sports camps all day every day, and he was working at the MTC a lot and we missed each other a whole bunch.

But! We got to see each other for 30- 70 minutes a day on weekdays depending on both our schedules. We'd use that time to read the scriptures together and talk about our days.

Karl and I went to see our friend, my boss, Rachel O in an opera at BYU.

During the overture, Karl leaned toward me and whispered, "can we please be one of those artsy couples who goes to plays and symphonies and stuff?"

"uhmm, YES. please."

"okay, cool. I'd like that."

i found a random painting of mah BFFL in the HFAC

Rachel was in "Hansel and Gretel" as the mother, and i was BLOWN. AWAY. I knew she was an incredible singer, and i knew she was in the vocal performance program, and i knew she loved theatre, yes, yes, yes.

But golly, i was floored by her voice. The score and her role perfectly suited her abilities.

me and my DC friends!

A bunch of us went to see rachel together.

Me, Erin, Seth, Rach, Kyle, and Amber.

these humans.

i spent most of my time this summer with Karl and these people. It was the best summer of my life.

I like graffiti.

Very early on in the summer, i got to meet the president of Karl's mission. Karl served a mission for our church in San Jose California for 2 years, and the man who presided over it now lives in Utah, about an hour north of Provo. He invited several of the missionaries he led over for dinner one night, and asked Karl to bring me, too. Being a fiance has its perks.

This man and his wife are outrageously generous, and two of the most genuinely cheery people I've ever met. They are stellar humans.

I love hearing people speak highly of Karl, because i feel so proud to be his. I also love being able to see the look in their eyes, and know that they love him, too. I feel connected to them because we share deep regard for a mutual person.

That was a great night. I was so proud of Karl, and he was showing me off like a Christmas toy, haha. I was flattered and i felt valued, and even the sun smiled that night, so i took a picture as we drove past because i wanted to remember that feeling.

so so happy.

more love notes

we liked to sit outside the temple at sunset or in the evening. To keep our goals in literal view, and to have a quiet private place to talk and dream out loud about our future together.

at the beginning of the summer, Karl was still in school. so most our time over the weekends was spent next to him on the couch while he did homework and i read or napped. I kept getting distracted by his cute little face. slash distracting him with kisses.

one week, i was a normal counselor instead of a DC! So i got SIX HOURS OFF in the middle of the day every day! It was heaven for me and Karl! We had a lot of fun that week, but mostly just enjoyed the extra time to talk face to face.

sunday naps. precious.

post-engagement photo ice cream truck bombardment.

i was only ever home on saturdays and sundays. and when i say home i mean at Karl's house. So i didn't feel bad being openly disgusted with the stench and filth of the apartment i lived in. (I didn't even live there. i slept there.) I knew i didn't make any of the mess.

one morning, i took an old toothbrush and scrubbed a path down one side of the sink to raise awareness of its putrescence.

no one noticed.

speaking of cleaning, i got lucky.

Karl is a very clean boy.

not absurdly clean, but he is clean. he cleans up after himself and has good hygiene and know HOW to clean, and he helps ME clean, and i'm just grateful for his cleanliness, alright?

plus, how cute is he doing dishes?

our wedding announcement.

(We used vistaprint in case you were wondering, and were pleased with what we got for the price we paid.)

and yes, we WERE actually "elated" to announce our temple marriage, mom.

I like specific adjectives. sue me.

testing out my front facing camera. typical melissa face.

on the way to an interview for a random miraculously opened job perfect for our situation.

nerves for days.

aaaaaaaaand....

AFTER the interview:

we totes nailed it. The owner was impressed with Karl, as everyone should be, and i'm still convinced that Karl's former position as an Assistant to the Mission President is the main reason why we got the job. Karl does not brag. So i do it for him. He is incredibly capable and handles even the most daunting responsibilities with confidence that still astounds me.

love this boy.

after the interview, we were at the grocery store, and this cute old man kept talking to Karl. Karl told him we were getting married. the man gave him lots of marriage advice.

and then proceeded to give parenting tips to all the families passing him in the aisle while his wife shopped. i laughed, because the old man and Karl were wearing similar shirts, and had the same ears and smile.

Karl's "GQ pose"

my little bedroom when i first moved in.

bae caught you slippin'

cafe rio cafe rio cafe rio

It's my favorite place in Provo. We don't really eat out a ton, but i will always make an exception for Cafe. stinking. Rio.

My Niece's first birthday party at a hidden gem duck pond!

THOSE MOUNTAINS. mmmmm, utah.

the birthday cutie.

Karl has one white eyelash on his right eye.

I love it.

sometimes i kiss it.

He hates it, but he tolerates it because i think it's cool.

and by the way, i think it's incredibly cute when he takes pictures on his phone. These are ones that i forgot he took, but i found one day, and immediately sent to myself. haha.

June from Karl's point of view:

I. LOVE. HIS. EYES.

When he smiles in pictures, they usually get too squinty to see, but i love this resting face. because he has some giant eyeballs, and they deserve to be seen.

also, that mouth.

perfect.

He braids my hair.

we saw "Inside Out" with my DC friends. (we really enjoyed it. Karl because it was funny, and me because hello cartoon, kid friendly depiction of the developing child. dass mah jaaaaam!) and they had a little teaser for the upcoming Pixar movie, "Good Dinosaur", which i have been waiting for since 2000 and dang 12.

after we nailed our interview.

we love holdin' hands.

After the Payson temple dedication

June was fantastic! I got to be with Karl again, i made friends, and i spent a lot of time with family.

While i Was Home - Last Time

2015-08-31T12:08:00.000-06:00

In the last week that i was home, i tried to admire everything i could about my little town and my beginnings. It was very bitter sweet.

After my last Sunday in my home young single adult congregation, i looked at the temple and thought, "the next time i see this, it will be on my wedding day."

I've always loved the sweet peas in spring outside my window.

almost every day while we were apart, i would find some clever way to spell out, "I love you!" and then send it to Karl. This was while i was teaching, so there's a lot of childish looking things, haha.

I've laced a few of my favorites in with the rest of my pictures.

I loved the disco-ball effect my ring made on everything. light is cool, you know.

I was creeping on Karl one day (what else is new?) and clicked on the "see friendship" button. i thought it was cute that the first listed thing in our common interests was Thomas S Monson. The Prophet. That is one of my favorite things about Karl, actually. His love for God's Prophets.

My dear friends Rory and Jacob. The 3 of us, and our friend Trey who is on a mission in the south, were very close growing up, and especially the last few years of high school. Rory went on a mission first, and just got back a few months ago. Trey left and is almost home! Christmas! Jacob has worked so hard to be ready for mission and i am so proud of him. He Is serving in Mexico, and left days after this picture was taken. I adore these boys. I was blessed with their friendship for the majority of my life, and i could not be more pleased with how everything has turned out for us all.

Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven, and we are all witnesses of that.

And here i am, in the Fresno Airport bathroom saying PEACE OUT, CUB SCOUT to my hometown in the most appropriately ghetto duck-faced way possible. #Madera.

I was so fortunate to grow up in the town i did at the time i did with the people i did. God's plan is perfect, and He sure did bless me.

Derek's Utah reception weekend/ My engagement

2015-08-31T11:49:00.001-06:00

HI, I'M ALIVE.

I'm married. and alive.

I'm so behind on blogging it's upsetting to me. I want to have all of this preserved, so even though it's long since passed and old news, i'm still going to chronicle the past few months so that i can print out my last Happy Wagon Blog Books and have an official ending to this blog.

I flew to Utah for my brother Derek's second wedding reception.

My saintly sister Allison picked me up from the airport an i stayed the night at her house. aka party.

Karl came and picked me up the next morning and actually most of the story, I've already written on Karl and I's blog here.

but here are some things that i missed.

My parents and Jenae drove up the morning of the reception, and the five of us went through the Payson Utah Temple Open House. Whenever a mormon temple is built, it is open to the entire public for a few weeks after completion. ANYone can go inside and tour the beautiful rooms and see what it's really like.

This temple was inSANE. the literal most gorgeous building i've ever been inside. It was sweet to be there with Jenae, too.

That night was the Utah reception! In an adorable little hidden park in the mountains. Rayce has good taste. mmm these mountains, though.

Raycelan's mom asked me to put some flowers on the cake. so i did. haha.

I enjoyed showing Karl off again to everyone, and i love seeing all my nieces and nephews enjoy their cousin time.

Rebecca and Jenae: The Bookend twins. playing a little game of "Whose hair is whose?"

Missing Katrina and Christine, but taking advantage of the situation to get some sister pictures. This was while Karl was asking my dad for permission to marry me, and we alllllll knew what was happening, so we were giddy, if you couldn't tell:

and then that night after the reception, we got engaged! The full adorable story is linked above. Karl is such a sweetheart.

May 23, 2015; Happy Horlacher Day!

While i was home - After the wedding

2015-08-04T23:30:00.000-06:00

After the wedding, things went right back into the routine.

I continued my job. my five little boys asked me non stop questions about my "mysterious" boyfriend. One of them, who was in self-proclaimed love with me said, "He's tall. he's cute. I bet he's like really rich and really smart and can build cars and houses and stuff. stupid Karl. I can't even compete with that!"

hahahahahahaha

I loved them.

I read these books to the boys at recess in the time i worked there:

both were DELIGHTFUL. quick reads, great messages, completely appropriate, discuss important emotional issues, address stereotypes and friendships. mmm mmm mmm, they were great.

I'd say Wonderstruck was an 8 + year old range if they're reading alone. 6+ if you're reading aloud (several instances of smoking cigarettes, and the assumption of an illegitimate child might make some people stay at 8+ even if reading a loud. I politely disagree.)

Zorgamazoo was adorable and Series of Unfortunate Events-y. It's completely in verse! but you don't even notice after the first chapter. Also, there are a TON of big words, but they totally make sense in context. It's a 8+ range alone, 6+ a loud (there is a creepy lobotomist, an evil aunt, evil creatures, and gang members that threaten to beat up the main character, but if you're reading Harry Potter or Percy Jackson to your 5 year old, then this is nothing.)

Karl and i continued to skype for an hour a day to read scriptures and talk about our days. He cut his hair and it was so cute.

we kept accidentally making the same face at the exact moment i went to take a screen shot.

He kept being adorable in general.

my job kept making me nostolgic.

Lady kept making me head-cold-ish because i'm allergic to her, so we had to be through-the-window friends.

my students kept professing their love for me. including one literally making me a fake engagement ring one day in class. AND it was purple. priceless.

I tried to introduce more and more art into their subjects, but i wasn't the head teacher, so i didn't have control over the activities. But whenever i saw an opportunity, i grabbed it.

They were going to make alphabet books, where each letter's page had an animal or creature whose name began with that letter, and then glue in a picture of that animal. I suggested that they draw the animal instead!

So they chose the animal they wanted to draw, and then they made a page for their alphabet book based on the first letter of the animal's name.

These were 2 of the pages in one of my boys's books.

ADORABLE.

also, i would draw and color with one boy to help him calm down some days and this he drew after his family had decided to move to a neighboring town:

"I'm happy, because i'll have my brothers, but I'm sad, because i won't have any friends at school or anything. Mom says we'll have each other, though. that's good."

a little piece of my heart is in that little boy's hands, i tell ya.

I got to babysit my brother Donny's daughter one last time! We DANCED and danced and danced, and watched Robin Hood sporadically as we colored and played house and did puzzles. I love this little chika.

we've been homies since fall 2013 in good ol' Rexburg.

This sweet girl is actually very special to me.

she was instrumental in pulling me out of an emotional slump. Her coos and teeny baby laughs were something i looked forward to, and i liked feeling like she needed me, and liked me.

Also, because i got to babysit her sporadically, i became better friends with her mom! My sister in Law Christine is incredible, but it wasn't until I started watching my niece that Christine and I really hit it off. now, we homies. I'm so excited to see her again at my wedding! I've missed her since they've moved to Monterey, and i can't wait to meet their new baby!

While i was home - Derek's wedding weekend

2015-08-02T23:30:00.000-06:00

picture overload. what's new?

old grainy camera. the usual.

adorable nieces and nephews because #Hansengenes

there is a mulberry tree at our little Madera house, and of late it has become quite the attraction at Grammy and grandpa Jamie's house.

My sister Katrina and her family came a few days early to help set up for the wedding, her kids are so adorable. and we're getting to be friends, now, because i've seen them several times in the past year.

I don't know why he had stickers in his hair, but that combined with his mulberry stained face was just too cute not to capture a thousand times.

his eyebrows, though. the MOST expressive.

Saturday, the day after the wedding, Karl and i made a picnic for the grandbabies. it was so fun! The dads all joined us in the beginning and we walked over to the elementary school.

i LOVE seeing Karl around kids. he's so happy and excited, because he loves kids, but he's nervous because he doesn't know them, so he kind of tip toes into it and i think it's adorable. i'm excited to be a parent with him one day in the future.

don't mind my drunken expression.

this was just Karl winning over all the nieces and nephews by making balloon animals and things. it. was. adorable. he's incredible, and they all loved it.

the cousins spent their usual time together being crazy and having tons of supervised fun.

that evening was Jenae's senior prom. she got all dolled up and took pictures in the front yard with her date, Lil V. who real name is Virat.

SHE IS SO GORGEOUS!!!!!!

I got dolled up, too, and Karl and I went on a date of our own!

He waited on one of the bunk beds in my room and talked to me while i curled my hair and did my make up.

"man, being a girl is a lot of work!"

hahahaha.

cutie.

we took pictures in the front yard, too ;)

Ooooo de LALLY he is handsome.

there were paw-streaks on Karl's windshield. i had a good laugh at that, because it meant there were cats gettin' comfy on his roof.

GROSS.

HE IS SO STINKING CUTE WHEN HE DRIVES.

while at my favorite restaurant, Round Table Pizza, we randomly bumped into my High School Theatre Director, Ginger Latimer! It was a pleasant surprise!

We got to catch up, and she got to meet Karl!

She hasn't said this to me, but i'm sure she think i'm getting married too young. she thinks most mormons do. she's teased me about since i was literally 13 years old.

and THEN! right as we got our pizza, who should appear but lil dang weasel herself. and her date. and her date's sister, their chauffeur/chaperone. hahaha. they joined us for dinner.

at round table.

on prom night.

hahahaha.

and then they forgot their pizza.

don't worry, we packed it up for them.

Then i took him to Town and Country park, because we like going on walks, and that park has a long trail.

we got to talk a lot, which i appreciated.

I'm sad to have forgotten a lot of the details, because it was months ago, but i remember feeling so overwhelmingly happy, and kissing him a lot, and smiling so hard i thought my face would break in half, and looking into his big blue eyes for four exact minutes at the end of our 36 question experiment and feeling like it had only been 30 seconds when the timer went off.

I talked about that experience in detail on my new blog, because it was really cool at the end. I felt a deeper connection to him after that experiment was finished.

Jenae was sick from something she ate at prom, and was sitting in the parlor after all our guests left. I sat and read to her, one of my favorite things to do, in all honesty.

and then life went back to normal.

for a week.

While I was home - Derek's Wedding day

2015-07-31T19:37:00.003-06:00

Derek and I started our drive to Oakland alone together, and i'm glad. it was like a final hoorah. we BLASTED Imagine Dragons, and i told him everything about Karl. He told me a lot about Raycelan. i finally felt caught up and whole with him.

I couldn't help the bittersweet feelings, too.

I was sad that this era was over.

I am so grateful now to have had that last car ride with Derek.

I love my brother.

FINALLY, we got to the hotel, and Karl had already been there, meeting my entire family tree for 20 minutes or more.

You can read more about our happy reunion on our blog HERE.

after which, we spent the entire night holding hands and staring at each other. i couldn't believe he was real.

my 3 oldest neices and i had a mini party sleepover in my room. at one point we played "wedding". Natalie was the bride and Karl, being the only boy present, was the groom. (and so her adoration of Karl began, haha. )

Also, we did this thing with the hotel mirrors that i love. i think it's funny.

i love these 3 chicas.

then Karl and i went on a "date" aka kiss and snuggle until 11:00, then rush back to the hotel to read scriptures and get some sleep.

I came back to this adorable scene:

and WEASEL!

THEN, THE BIG DAY WAS FINALLY HERE.

(in a different room, unbeknownst to me, the little girls had shown their families the mirror thing, and these hilarious scenes ensued)

We have a tradition of singing together as a family before weddings. We've succeeded with most of the weddings. This one was especially tender to me for some reason. It could have been that Justin, Derek's best friend was there, and that i felt Landon with us, too.

It could have been that my dear Karl was sitting with my entire family, and i knew that he would be my husband someday.

It could have been that it was Derek's wedding day, and that Derek and i have a sweet relationship. I'ts like silver, and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Then was the mad dash to the temple, including Dylan, Derek's other best friend, getting there in the nick of time.

Karl, Jenae, Justin, my Unce Rodney, and I, were in charge of the grandchildren during the temple ceremony. We successfully wrangled all eleven of them with raisins and coloring books and games. Ryder cried for a bit because he, "just wanted to give mommy a goodbye hug and kiss!"

precious.

Seth looked a little worried the entire time, and Maris was definitely unsure for the first couple of minutes, but eventually all was well and although I think Justin and Jenae were scarred for life, we made it through with no injuries or major meltdowns!

I was actually really impressed with Rodney for keeping Hazel calmly sleeping the entire time. Also, watching Karl with my nieces and nephews was incredibly sweet. What a cutie. He's good (and adorable) with babies. which is great, because i've always wanted a whole bunch of 'em.

i am having the hardest time motivating myself to finish this post. probably because it's 3 months late. enjoy these pictures with maybe some captions.

I love these next two photos because

I'm hugging the guts out of Raycelan and Derek, and their faces look so sincere and happy.

this picture is great.

A)Donny is a phenomenal dad

B) me laughing with Karl and da homie Dylan Shawan

C) Justin Potter, totally comfortable with all my siblings because he's practically family himself.

The photographer asked us who was the funniest sibling. everyone turned to Derek.

He shrugged, and told a joke that made us all laugh, and the pictures made me smile all over again.

so so so so fun

after the very long picture taking was finished, we drove the 3 hours back to Madera as quick as possible to finish setting up for the reception. Several of the cars in our caravan got stuck in traffic. Including me and Karl. but i didn't mind :)

the reception was adorable. My mom and Christine did a lovely job!

and we danced the night away :)

"-porn" as a suffix

2015-07-18T23:30:00.000-06:00

There is a trend now a days that I want to talk about.

____________________________________________________________

Before i do so, i was asked to do a little disclaimer to any younger or sensitive readers. This post contains no pornography whatsoever. Quite the contrary. But I do talk about the effects of pornography that I've experienced and seen in my life personally and through lives of loved ones.

If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to scroll past or wait for the next cheery post.

This is just something I've felt passionately about for some time, and i will not apologize for posting it.
____________________________________________________________

I’ve seen more and more people add the word “Porn” to the end of a phrase, or to another word to make it a phrase, to mean that something is beautiful, desirable, or thought provoking.

For example: a Facebook page entitled, “Food Porn” that shares daily photos or videos of delicious looking meals or video recipes for refreshing drinks.

A photo album on the popular site ‘Imgur’ captioned “Earth Porn”, full of breath-taking landscapes and intricate plants.

Quotes shared with the title “Word Porn” because of the eloquent speech used.

A comment on a photo of a man’s brand new tool set, displayed artfully on a woodworking bench that read, “#ToolPorn” with a heart-eyed emoji.

WHY ARE WE USING THE WORD “PORN” AS A SYNONYM FOR BEAUTIFUL?

WHEN DID “PORN” BECOME THE DEFINITION OF A COLLECTION OF WONDERFUL THINGS?

Maybe some people are unfamiliar with what "porn" even means, or have forgotten.

It’s a shortened version of the word pornography, which is the capturing of sexual experiences via film, photography, audio, or literature for the purpose of arousing an audience not involved in the sexual experience themselves.

That’s what “Porn” is.

So saying that a picture of the Grand Canyon at sunset is Earth Porn literally does not make sense.

That’s not what bothers me, though.

People are using “Porn” as more than just a shortened word that describes literal Pornography, they are using “-porn” as a suffix that implies satisfaction, beauty, awe, or inspiration.

That is what bothers me.

Trust me when I tell you that:

- Pornography is not beautiful, it is fake.

Pornography is designed to look like a real relationship, but it is a lie. The people you are witnessing do not actually love each other, nor are they actually feeling pleasure. They are faking it. It isn’t sexy, because it isn’t sex. Sex is an ultimate expression of love between two people who want to bind themselves together. Pornography is actors, or slaves (which is an entirely separate topic that I will not delve into now) faking love to earn money or keep a certain status, or a myriad of worse reasons. Pornography is a foul, sordid, and counterfeit distortion of sex that forces images and ideas into our minds that we can’t in reality compete with. Pornography kills real love in relationships by replacing actual displays of affection with false expectations of pleasure. It inhibits the ability to feel and experience true beauty of sex with a loving partner.

You will feel frustrated that your partner can no longer fill your needs. You will feel confused, because you don’t seem as close to your partner. Something will wedge between you. The love between you may run out.

When one person acts this way, the people around them feel the effects. Pornography doesn’t just numb you, it numbs your loved ones. It numbs whole families, which are the foundation of society. When pornography is mainstream in society, it is available to increasingly greater masses of people, it is available to increasingly younger audiences, who have no other expectation for sex, and who grow up thinking that the intimacy they see or hear in pornography is the only kind there is, when it is only really a lewd imitation of actual love. Those younger people will become used to the ideas they see, and base their relationships on false principles that will not stand the test of time and trial.

That is not beautiful. That is shattering.

- - Pornography does not satisfy you, it plants a seed of insatiable hunger in your mind

Our minds react immediately and drastically to the chemicals produced in our bodies when we view, hear, or read pornography. The reaction can only be duplicated a few times with the same effect. After those first few times, our minds and bodies because used to the amount of chemicals, and the fierceness of their entrance. That becomes normal. That becomes the only reaction that is able to arouse us. From then on, our brains need more chemicals, bigger reactions, more intense material, to create the same feeling.

Our mind can never get enough to be full, because the reactions don’t last.

They are too potent, too fleeting, and too shallow. Unlike true intimacy in love which produces lasting, bonding effects between partners.

So our mind stays hungry for more.

That is not satisfaction. That is starvation.

- - Pornography is not awe-inspiring, it is destructive and addicting.

As I just said, our minds can’t do just one pornographic image. They can’t handle just one movie, one chapter, or one song. After one, our minds demand another, and another, and then our minds start needing another and another, just to feel “normal”. It is not normal. It is corrosive.

When addicted to any substance, our minds will put that substance at the forefront of our thoughts 24/7. Our brain makes that thing our number one priority, pushing aside real necessities, and relationships with actual precedence, because it thinks we need that thing to survive. It convinces us that we need it to survive. The substance has successfully taken control of our desires and depleted our will power so that we can hardly fight back. We feel like a shell of ourselves, a slave to someone else’s wishes.

That is not inspiring. That is terrifying.

Pornography does not provoke thoughts that improve us, or that encourage us. Pornography provokes thoughts that decompose our ability to feel, that distort our ideals, and that tear apart our real-life relationships - romantic or not.

Stop using “-porn” as a synonym for beautiful or desirable.

Stop spreading the falsehood that pornography is satisfying in any way.

Stop putting pornography in the mainstream of our society for younger and younger people to see and fall prey to.

Stop perpetuating lies about sex and healthy intimacy.

Stop using “-porn” as a suffix.

While I was home - May before Derek's wedding

2015-07-10T19:04:00.000-06:00

May was wonderful. I was working every day with 5 sweet little boys and really making progress with them. I got to skype Karl every day, Jenae was doing tons of fun school stuff that i got to hear about, and we were all getting geared up for Derek and Raycelan's wedding!

as i said before, i'm not going to show close ups of the faces of or use the names of my students, for their own privacy. But i do have some adorable candid shots of them from throughout may.

best friends.

in an effort to be more brave, one of my new year's resolutions was to cook and bake more, slash to cook and bake NEW things that i'm not already comfortable with.

one of the many i tried:

these nutella wraps.

I made the pastry dough from scratch, thank you very much.

and it was pretty bomb if i do say so myself.

they don't look all fancy or pretty, and the dough took FOR. EV. ER. but they tasted great.

this was my boy. the one i was specifically brought in to aid. Such a sweet child. most recesses we dug up rocks under trees. Then i started reading to him while he dug, and he loved it. he started talking to the other children more and opening up more to me. Soon it wasn't just him who dug while i read. One of his classmates joined him, and then another boy from his grade, and another, until pretty soon, every recess, 6-9 first graders would be huddled around me, poking at rocks in the ground or sitting on tree roots with wide eyes as i read from Zorgamazoo, Wonderstruck, and The Hobbit. They would willingly give up their active to come sit and the shade and be whisked into space, or the 1970s, or middle earth. Even if only for 15 minutes.

It made me happy and sad.

happy that they loved the stories, and happy that i got to read. I love reading out loud to children.

but it also made me sad, because they were just drinking it up.

Which makes me believe that they're not getting read to at home.

Maybe it's just the opposite, though, and it's beCAUSE they are read to at home that they loved it at school!

hopefully that's the real reason.

i'm telling you, these boys were precious.

Madera in the spring? sigh.

especially at dusk. gold.

and don't forget Karl!
Skyping was a crucial part of our dating life. You can read more about it on my new blog! I'm trying to wean you guys off of this one and move on to melissamichialeinlove.blogspot.com

Skyping this sweet boy was the best part of my day every day.

HE. IS. SO. HANDSOME.

the degree to which his hair was ruffled was directly related to the intensity of his drowsiness.

sigh.

he's adorable.

moving on.

I tried to soak up as much time with Jenae as possible. which meant sunday snuggles were necessary.

THEN, I TURNED TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD!!!!!

finally.

20 felt so young! hahaha

Karl sent me a package and i opened it on skype at midnight.

I only asked for socks. He got me several different kinds, licorice, a book signed by Body K. Packer, and a very sweet hand written letter. AKA my heart was melted.

I slept in, and talked to all my sisters on the phone. Jenae and Virat brought me home a giant pizza from my favorite parlor, as well as carrots and fancy apple juice. they love me.

cuties.

AND THEN!

Jenae took me to a movie!

CINDERELLA!!!

I'll miss driving these old roads.

I was a little skeptical about a live action version of Cinderella, but

I LOVED THE MOVIE.

They added so much meaning! but stayed so true to the original! and I LOVE THEIR HOUSE AND I LOVE THEIR DRESSES and i would love to live in a little tiny English cottage with Edwardian meets mid-century furnishings, okay, thanks.

we had some fun with leaves afterward.

because, you know, Jenae's a plant expert and knows all of the coolest leaves.

I sent this one to Karl, because it was heart shaped :)

when we got home, i opened the rest of my presents with my faily, and Karl via skype

It was a very simple, but wonderful birthday. I felt loved, and that's the best part of birthdays.

I also got several books and my very first official book BAG, so i was thrilled.

Mother's Day:

I saw my dad picking flowers for my mother, and for the families he Home Teaches for church. He is such a tender man. i'm grateful for him.

My Aunt and Uncle and cousins were visiting from Utah for a different cousin's wedding! it was fun to be with them all together again, and to joke together now that we're older and more clever.

and right about here is when Derek married Raycelan, but that's for the next post!!

onto the second half of may!

While i was home - April

2015-07-06T02:10:00.000-06:00

Golly, i am behind. like, SO behind it's sad.

Here is a very brief summary of my time at home in April broken into sections: Family, sundays, Karl, and work

1. Family A: Lady.

this dog. when i first came home i wanted nothing to do with her, but then i started feeling guilty because she was always so lonely! And, let's be honest, she's pretty cute.

so then we were homies.

until she almost killed me.

allergies.

then we were civil to one another. mostly i used her as a workout tool. I'd chase her around and she'd chase me and we'd catch balls and sticks. it was healthy for both of us.

when Jenae got home, it was like Lady's christmas. every. day. SO EXCITED. HUMAN INTERACTION. FAVORITE HUMAN. BEST FRIEND HUMAN. SO EXCITED.

also, my parents LOVE THIS STINKING DOG. like seriously, they LOVE it. not that it's wrong to love an animal, i just don't understand pets, so their adoration for this dog is funny to me. My mom refers to herself as 'grammy' and my dad as 'grandpa Jamie' to this dog.

as if it were an additional grandchild.

hahahahaha.

they buy it toys and beds and it's kind of cute/ i roll my eyes and tease them about it a lot. haha.

but i like her, too :)

2. Sundays

the best days. they were like my battery. recharge.

I love the rose bush that my daddy panted outside my window because i told him in an off-hand remark that i'd always liked the idea of a rose bush outside my window to wake up. and The edelweiss he planted, too, because it reminds me of the sound of the music and that he loves me and that we like to sing together. i love my daddy.

I love going to church with Jonathan on sundays.

I love driving to church on sundays. 35 of uninterrupted singing at the top of my lungs. or 35 minutes of uninterrupted praying out loud with no inhibitions.

and, i loved Sundays because it meant i could see these two:

These two left on missions for our church during my Khazad-dum summer in 2013,

and they both came home while i was in Rexburg winter semester. seeing them again felt so happy.

i ruv dees humans.

and i love this little temple:

unintentional matching attack-the-camera poses, two years apart. this is why we're friends, Nikki.

i also sunday NAPS. one of the only times Jenae willingly snuggles with me. haha

also, precious candid nap shot of my parents:

1. Family B - Jenae/WeaSeL

I've mentioned that Jenae is perfect, right? she wins everything. she GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL. But before then, she was spending every second of her free time being insane and winning every award in sight.

This was at Scholarship night.

she got 5 local scholarships! a deserving student if there ever was one.

Mah best frizzle.

my parents really are incredible.

They've raised 8 wonderful children, and Jenae is crazy talented. she's got a bit of each of us. Dad's roots, Mom's brains, Rebecca's drive, Allison's enthusiasm, Katrina's work ethic, Donny's athleticism, Derek's charm, Jonathan's sincerity, and my strange sense of humor.

This was when she won state for one of her like, thousand FFA competitions.

you think i'm exaggerating.

i am, but not by a lot.

Jenae's winning partner, Virat, as they made a cake for an english project. they crack me up.

3. KARL :)

my favorite part.

But you'll have to read about it on my other blog in a few posts! The new one for me and Karl's story.

it's a good bit :)

4. Work!

At home i'm a paraprofessional aide for children with special needs.

I LOVE IT.

I feel so teacher-y and Laura Ingalls Wilder a la "These Happy Golden Years" if you know what i mean.

I never asked the parents of my students if i could share their faces or names on the internet, so i won't, but i was in a clasroom with 5 boys aged 6-8, and they completely stole my heart while i was there. All 5 were adorable and sweet and so bright.

they each had things that made them difficult to love at times, but their smiles and sincerity made up for it ten fold.

we spent our mornings ding centers, and the center i usually stayed at was manipulatives, because it was the closest thing they had to art, and i felt like i could actually talk to them while they played. We built our friendships as we built towers.

On reduced days i got to help my mom out in the library with all the new books. mmmmm. new books are right up there with Harry Potter, Pizza, and Crocs, on my list of favorite things.

speaking of new books, i've sent the past 3 years looking out for Hardback excellent quality copies of all the Harry Potter books with their dust jackets at thrift stores. With the help of my mother's prowess, i FINALLY have my OWN set! and it cost be about $21 all together!

5. BONUS JONAS.

some extra April things:

Stephanie and Connor came to visit Fresno, and they stopped in Madera t have dinner with me!!

I LOVE those two! Steph and i took a picture in my room, next to my scribbled on walls that we both love.

Walking past our house 4 times a day helped me appreciate it's simple beauty.

That one time that i made a grocery list for my mom and she literally got me everything on it.

EVERYTHING.

she found a super cheap flight to Provo a day early for Derek's utah reception, so i got a whole extra day with my Karl boy :)

That was April! A happy, simple, kind of slow month :)

Ibrahim

2015-06-24T11:50:00.000-06:00

I have a friend named Jason.

He and i have been like brother and sister since kindergarten. He's one third of the "Berenda Brothers" trio. the three boys who loved me like my 3 real brothers.

I cherish the memories i have with this boy.

After high school he went to Arkansas to play college ball, and i've only seen him a handful of times since. When i do see him, though, it feels completely natural.

On a beautiful morning in mid April, i got a phone call while i was reading.

Jason's father had died of a heart attack that morning.

my stomach dropped. I immediately called my own father because the two of them were close friends. He just kept repeating, "oh no. no." and i couldn't hold back my tears as i explained what had happened. very soon i was in contact with Jason and i drove to his house to see him the day after he flew home.

it was heartbreaking to see Jason so empty. He has always been so full of color and life, spreading joy and laughter, he has the biggest heart i've known. This boy loves fiercely and trusts uninhibited.

But that was all gone.

he was a shell.

I hated it.

we talked for hours on his back porch.

at first about nothing. catching up. who are you dating, how is life, what's your latest injury, favorite class, roommates are rough, yadda yadda. i was not about to bring it up. eventually he did, slowly, and i didn't push it.

and then it all came gushing through the conversation and i just let him talk and talk and talk and say everything he needed to say and it was terrible to sit there and see his face so broken and shadowed and not burst into tears. i was trying not to cry because i didn't want him to feel like he had to comfort me.

Eventually the conversation turned to afterlife, and i didn't push any of my beliefs on him, i just let him talk, and i let him tell me what he believed.

He told me that his dad would be buried right next to Landon, my brother's best friend. We talked about the similarities between the two men.

Good, loving, men. with integrity and drive and full lives.

It doesn't make sense that people like that would both die so early in life, and so suddenly, but it happened. We talked about Jason's beliefs and mine, but i let him lead.

I am so glad we had that conversation.

it brought a kind of peace into the air, and we were able to talk about his father's life and legacy in a memorable, honorary, loving way instead of a painful tragic way.

No one should have to feel the pressure that Jason seemed to be feeling.

He is the only son, and that comes with a lot of expectations in his family. It's not fair that he is having to make decisions so early. he's 21 years old, not 30.

finally, i had to go home, and when i did i flopped right onto my mom's bed and cried for a good hour or more. Seeing Jason so sad had my heart all twisted up tight.

no one should have to go what he went through.

I was devastated by the death of this man.

Mr. Ibrahim was an incredible father, and an excellent friend. He was sincerely living his life in the best way he knew how. He loved his wife. He loved his kids. He loved his farm.

He was a good man.

His funeral service was touching.

a fitting memorial to a person so cherished by his family and community.

All of the 4 children spoke about their father, and Katie and Sabrina sang a song for their dad.

My own father conducted the funeral, and i felt so torn.

So lucky to have my father, so sad that Jason didn't have his.

after the service, there were lots of tears and warm embraces.

I saw Stephen and Brandon both tightly hugging their fathers at the same time i ran to hug mine, and my heartstrings about snapped.

There was a luncheon at Jason's house afterward.

Many of our friends from school had come home just for this.

a testament A) to how loved Mr.Ibrahim was by all those who knew him, not just those his age and B) to how close knit this community is

I felt strange seeing all these people again, though.

Jason captured my sentiments perfectly when he remarked,

"You know, we saw each other every day for 13 years. we knew each other's lives backward and forward. We would have done anything for each other. We were one big unit. Now we see each other maybe every 8 months or so at Christmas or summer and act like nothing has changed. We're leading completely different lives. we're not the same. When i see people from high school i feel good, But i also feel weird, because i'm not that guy anymore, and they're not that guy anymore either. I still love them, I still love those memories, but it feels almost fake, you know? Like we're only still friends because we picked our noses together in the second grade."

I feel the same.

I'm glad my mom and Mrs. Paul forced us to take pictures.

It was awkward at first, smiling and laughing during such a somber event. asking Jason to act normal. I felt rude and pushy.

But i'm actually selfishly glad we took them. because i believe in keeping records of lives.

this happened.

Mr. Ibrahim died.

It was horrible.

but we all came home to be with Jason, and even if his smile in these pictures is a little forced, i want him to have physical evidence that we were there. we came. because we love him.

real genuine smiles below.

That day is tender in my mind.

these sweet boys.

I had a feeling while we were standing under the same trees in Jason's yard that we stood under at his 13th birthday party, and after an away game in Firebaugh, and now at the funeral of his dear father, that this might be the last time we're all together.

at least like that.

unmarried, not parents, careerless, students

innocent kids.

life is hard sometimes.

i am so grateful that for as long as i can remember, these boys were there for me when my life was rough. My memories with these 3, and their families, are golden, cherished, moments.

__________________________

Thank you Mr. Ibrahim for talking to me at baseball games because you knew i know nothing about that sport. Thank you for complimenting me so sincerely and trusting me so wholly. I admire your courage and conviction and the deep love you have for your family.

You were known to tell newlyweds, "Have as many children as you want. They will bring you so much joy."

You lived that belief.

You actions spelled out very clearly what you knew to be true, and they were all respectable things.

thank you for your example of ethics and family life.

from a girl who loved your son like her own brother, and who viewed you as one of her everyday heroes, you are an extraordinary man.

____________________________

Jason, I love you. You are so much like your father, but you are completely your own man and i admire that. I wish you all the love and success that you've worked so hard for your entire life. you are one of the most genuine people i've ever known and it has helped me be more open and honest. You have shaped my life more than you know.

Thank you for being there for me my whole life, J. I'm glad i've gotten to be there for you, too.

You will always be the boy with perfectly parted gelled hair and skinned up kick-ball knees. You love with your whole being and one of the most loyal friends of my life.

You can make it, brother.

You will see your father again.

I feel that truth in my bones.

I know it.

Your family can be together again.

I love you, J.

- melissa michiale

When Rebecca drove me home

2015-06-16T23:30:00.000-06:00

When i left Rexburg, i got to stay in Utah for a couple days! for Raycelan's bridal shower, mostly, but also because i wanted to spend more time with my then-boyfriend Karl.

(speaking of which, i've been posting on our new blog about our story!)

The weekend was fantastic, and a blur of sweet conversation and late late nights with my sweet boy. Monday morning rolled around, and i drove home to Madera, California with my oldest sister Rebecca, her two youngest, and my brother Jonathan.

IT WAS A BLAST.

I HATE the drive from home to Provo, but honestly, i barely noticed the amount of time we spent driving because i just talked to Rebecca for hours and hours about everything under the sun and it was wonderful. She is one of the best women i know, and one of the best mothers i know.

this sweetie is one of my favorite babies ever, and she was SUCH A TROOPER the whole drive! these were taken at a park we stopped at. cutie cutie cutie.

then we FINALLY made it home, and as soon as i stepped onto my front lawn, there was a finality to it. I knew i wanted to marry Karl, and though i thought then it would be in the spring of 2016, i knew that this would be my last time living at home for any extended amount of time, and it was strange.

I came home at the most beautiful time of year to be home.

The trees are in brilliant green splendor and the weeds in the fields surrounding my house are turning dry, but in the twilight they put of a golden glow. wild sweet peas line the front yard, and strawberries line the sidewalk.

I breathed in deeply and decided that this was going to be great. this time at home was going to be fun and happy and full.

I just wished that Karl was there with me to feel it all.

I write scriptures and quotes on my mirrors to keep me on top of things. I came home and Jenae had left one up since Christmas when i was home last. my heart was pretty warmed.

I spent all of Winter semester teaching preschool in the afternoons, so hanging out with my nephew was easy and fun and i felt closer to him than i ever had before. I just felt like i understood him more because i was asking him questions differently and just letting him talk to me.

Preschool taught me a lot about how i want to make my own home. And showed me how incredible my own mother was, and how wonderful my sisters are at making Zion homes.

my favorite things with my Nephew were painting and playing outside.

the sunshine is so different in California.

and painting with children helps me get to know them better.

me: You used so many bright colors to make your lines!

Him: It's a city in Japan! These are the roads, and that is the biggest river. Do you see?

me: I see that these grey lines connect to each other.

him: yeah, those are the neighborhoods next to the river. the roads go over the river, too.

what a cutie!!! I love doing art with kids.

I painted some squiggles and lines, just for fun and to wind down, and then i tried painting Derek and Raycelan but neither attempt turned out the way i wanted.

But i felt really relaxed! so that's good!

I found a brand new Harry Potter Trivia board game at DI in Rexburg for $0.75 HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!!!! It was original edition!! That goes for $60.00 and upward on the internet!

I came out into the living room one evening, and my evening had arranged all the toy cars onto a yoga mat like this:

he said, "They're all driving in the streets."

3 year olds are my favorite humans. ps he's going to be an engineer just like his father.

other nephew highlights include:

him holding my hand whenever we walked somewhere. sweetest.

his enthusiasm over the sun cracked cowboys and indians toys in the backyard in the old playhouse.

and of course, the trampoline.

I just love that boy.

The rest of that first week was all very exciting and full. I was reacquainted with "Lady" the puppy Jenae got at Christmas who is now an actual animal and not a teeny wobbly thing.

I sent Karl a package so it would get there in time for his birthday

and spent as much time as possible snugging this girl

I loved catching up with Die Viesel, too. Here she is with literal milk in her eyes:

and lil homie Virat making friends with the babies. cutie.

My oldest brother Donny and his little adorable family came to visit on Sunday evening, and his little girl adores her cousins! they're all very cute to watch together.

and finally, I love to read outloud from the scriptures with my family, but maybe most especially with Jonathan. He just has really different points of view than i do, so his insights are things i probably never would have noticed or thought of. I love to read with him and feel his adoration for the words and the people. Jonathan is a great scriptorian!

Before i left Rexburg

2015-05-30T17:49:00.000-06:00

1. Did you read my last post? I started a new blog for me and Karl, and I'll be posting bits of of our story over there once a week until we're married in September. Mostly to wean myself off of this blog. tear tear. old friends, you know?

anyway, i posted the first part of our story yesterday! Enjoy the blow by blow.

2. I'm hopping on the back track train before i leave to Provo for BYU Sports Camps again. Care to join me?

Stephanie and I kidnapped Sophia one day, because we missed her.

also here's just a miss mash of a bunch of random things. haha. i don't remember why i kept all of these things, but i did. so here ya go.

snapchat. i don't know. dont' judge me.

I miss my sophita.

and this is Ryan Cobar. he was our lil homie all Fall and Winter semester. this is him trying to hug me goodbye. hahaha.

OH HEY!

very very very long story short:

I'M NOT GOING DEAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for literally months and months, i'd been dealing with severe pain and dizziness and nausea related to my right ear. I'd been to a bunch of doctors and specialists and none of them could pinpoint a cause. one specialist even had the gall to tell me that i was completely fine. Even though he administered a hearing test that SHOWED definite hearing lost.

ugh.

sorry.

that guy is still a sore spot for me, because i saw him at Christmas and he said nothing was wrong.

AND THEN

i finally went back to my pediatrician in Rexburg, because my preschoolers were commenting on my vertigo. "You're all wobbly today, miss melissa." okay, i have an observable problem. embarrassing.

So i went to the doctor. and took more tests. and got more treatments. and the specialist did more tests, and showed me my charts and results and that they perfectly overlapped with other lab results that had to do with nerve damage. he took a look, and yup.

it wasn't meniere's disease, like some other doctors thought.

It was nerve damage.

So he gave me medication and like a light switch, i was completely fine.

no more dizzy.

no more pain.

the hearing damage was permanent, but luckily it wasn't horrible, and the medication stopped it.

i don't understand how it all works now. but when the doctor was explaining it, it all made sense and since the medication, i've literally not had a single problem aside from a plane ride, which is normal for a lot of people.

I'M NOT DIZZY EVERYDAY.

I'M NOT IN CONSTANT PAIN.

I DON'T HAVE NAUSEA.

I CAN DANCE AS MUCH AS I WANT.

I CAN FULLY SUBMERGE MY HEAD UNDERWATER FOR MORE THAN 5 SECONDS AT A TIME AKA I CAN GO SWIMMING.

I DON'T HAVE TO SIT DOWN EVERY 3 MINUTES TO CATCH MY BALANCE.

I DON'T HAVE THINGS BLOCKING MY HAPPINESS, AND IT'S SO GREAT!!!!!

the night before many of us left, we had our last roommate council.

aka we went around and thanked each other for everything we'd done for each other this semester.

it was real emotional.

we all cried at one point. the prayer was real tender. i loved these girls.

so so much.

i wheel meece dem vedy mush.

but really.

that semester was incredible.

this was how our apartment looked on the last day:

and this was Stephanie's OOBER packed van as we headed out to P-town.

Stephanie GRACIOUSLY let us stay the night at her house, because she's PERFECT. and the next day, we said goodbye to the trio.

these humans changed my life.

thanks, homies.

BYE REXBURG, YOU WERE REAL GOOD TO ME.

SEE YA SOMEDAY.

The Rest of the Story

2015-05-27T02:39:00.004-06:00

Wow!

That last post made a splash, didn't it?!

I got so much unexpected traffic that i literally thought Blogger had made some crazy mistake.

haha! nope! Just a lot of people interested in our story!

I'm totally fine with that!

To all of you new friends;

Hi!

I'm Melissa Michiale. I've been blogging since 2008. I refer to this blog as "The Happy Wagon" as an allusion to a theme in my favorite book by Jerry Spinelli. "Stargirl". Essentially it means that i try to see the world in a "glass half full" kind of light. Or, a Wagon with more rocks than none ;)

To the new readers and the old:

Thank you for your response to and support of that last post and my announced engagement! I/we really are so happy!

Which leads me to my next announcement.

I've written and loved this blog for years as if it was my private journal. Some people think i was too free with what i shared or that i was too open with my feelings and information. Maybe that was true at times, but i have never felt unsafe or regretful. Even if it was too open, it was always real! It was always me.

The thing is, because i've written here for so long, some of the posts are naturally, very old, and outdated. I don't believe some of those things i said in 2010 any more. I no longer have feelings for the boy i was crushing on in 2012. I don't feel the same way about Shia LeBouf now as i did in 2009.

You get the picture.

Lucky, i knew that would happen. So i told myself, from the day i began, that i would create a new blog when i was going to be married.

WELL, FRIENDS THAT DAY IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.

haha.

Karl and Melissa: A Love Story

2015-05-24T23:30:00.000-06:00

To tell the complete story of how I fell in love would take an entire novel or two. Maybe one day that will actually happen. For now, we’ll settle for a blog post.

To my regular readers, I apologize for being absent lately. Honestly, the past two months I’ve spent most of my free time talking with my dear boy.

On with the story.

Well, the extremely summarized version of the story.

Karl and I met in my Golden Summer In 2014 when I worked with my brother Derek at BYU Sports Camps. Karl and I lived in the same apartment complex.

His eyes were the best kind of blue I’d ever seen, and they caught my attention.

Slowly over the summer we became friends and did things together. We exchanged cute flirty notes and ate countless Otter Pops on cool, breezy, Sunday evenings. We laughed about sandwiches and ‘buff babies’ and I probed him about ASL and Texas. He was kind and funny and handsome. I was eager and awkward and blatantly obvious when it came to giving hints at my affection. We climbed a mountain together in Mid-July, and as we sat at the top, staring at the sunset, I knew I wanted to end up with someone like him. A boy with quiet confidence and a good heart. A Boy who loved the Gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I do. A boy who stuck to his word. He had impressed me through and through, that Karl Horlacher.

At the end of the summer, he asked me out on our first date!

He picked activities from my ‘Provo Bucket List’ and we spent the entire night talking and laughing as if we were old friends. It was so easy to be myself around him.

I was struck by how natural it felt to be walking around Provo with him. I felt like he was seeing a side of me that I usually keep reserved for closest friends. It seemed like he was opening up parts of his mind that he usually kept tucked away. I felt drawn to him. He seemed interested, and I made it clear that I was interested. But we both knew that I was leaving very soon, so nothing substantial happened.

Through the fall and winter we saw each other a few times, and each meeting was met with sincere hugs and laughter. I genuinely appreciated this boy’s heart, and I knew he appreciated mine. In late March, I was going to be visiting Provo for a job interview. I knew that I wanted to see Karl. I hoped that if I saw him that weekend, it would ‘plant a seed’ so to speak. Haha.

I know, I’m sneaky. But I was fairly certain that I wanted to date him in the summer, so I wanted to have another positive experience with him before I went home for spring semester. So I asked him out on a date, and he cheerfully accepted.

We went to a museum, got ice cream, and watched a movie together that we’d been trying to watch together since last summer. (“Barfi!”. It’s a Bollywood movie about a deaf man, and it’s incredible, in case you were wondering. One of my very favorites.)

We walked to all of these places, and we had plenty of time to talk. That night, he completely surprised me by kissing me for the first time.

He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me.

– and this is where the story is going to start sounding crazy to some people -

We spent the rest of the weekend together, catching up and figuring things out. He came up to Rexburg the next weekend to visit me at Easter. And under my dear Rexburg sky, splattered with stars, he told me that he loved me. It was the first night he was there, which again, completely surprised me. I prayed my guts out that night, and the next seven nights after that. I was certain that my feelings for him were as strong as his were for me, but I’d never said those words out loud. To a boy. In a romantic way. And I was terrified that if I said it, he would take it back or change his mind and I would look foolish. But Sunday morning, we watched the Easter sun rise over a wheat field on a hill in front of the Rexburg temple. He held my hand as we read from the New Testament about the Resurrection. I looked up at him, and I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

I loved him.

I knew he was the one.

It terrified me, but I couldn’t deny what I plainly knew was true. So that night, just before he left back for Provo, I told him that I loved him. He said, “YEEESSSSS!!!” and I felt insanely relieved. The next weekend, we spent together in Provo. One night, I spent hours telling him my entire life story. He listened respectfully, even when I cried through some hard parts. He rubbed my back and told me how strong he thought I was.

I knew I didn’t want to go any farther forward in my life without him with me, and I knew I wanted him with me until I couldn't count the days anymore. I told him all of that. He echoed my feelings. And we knew that this relationship, though brand new, was something rare and special.

The next 6 weeks were Skype calls and novel-length text messages. He skyped me every night to pray and read the scriptures together. On the weekends we talked for hours. I felt my heart stitching closer and closer to this dear boy.

Karl drove out from Utah for my Brother Derek’s wedding on May 15. When I saw Karl for the first time in the hotel, I ran to him and he scooped me up into the happiest hug of my life.

He kissed me right there in front of my whole family. We spent the whole weekend together again, and by then, all my family could see how serious we were about each other, and how real this was. Karl loved my family, and I loved him for wanting to be a part of it.

This past Thursday, the 21 of May, I flew to SLC, for Derek’s Utah reception, but I spent all of my extra time with Karl. At Derek’s reception, Karl walked and talked with my father. Karl told him that He loved me very much and asked for his permission to marry me. My Daddy told Karl that he had his permission, his blessing, his everything. He sees that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and that we have potential to make something great of our life together.

After the reception, on the night of May 23, we went back to Karl’s apartment.

We were talking on the couch. Being mushy, talking about the future and how real it was all becoming.

We talked about getting engaged this summer.

He knows that I don’t want a big giant proposal, so he was asking me more about what I wanted. In a round-about way, so that I could still be surprised. I reminded him that I wanted it to be simple and private, and that I didn't want him to spend a bunch of money planning an elaborate scheme. I just wanted him to look me in the eyes and be sincere, and that’s all that mattered to me. He agreed with all of that. We kept talking. His brother called on the phone and we chatted for a bit. Then, after the phone call, we were alone in the living room, being mushy again.

He said, “You really don’t want some big crazy surprise?” I said, “No, I really don’t, it’s totally fine.” He said, “okay!”

And then he reached into his pocket.

And it clicked that he was proposing to me right now.

He was proposing to me right now.

I exclaimed, “wait, what?!”

He was beaming as he got on one knee and opened a gorgeous wooden box. His eyes hit mine to the core. His blue on my brown.

His were misty as he asked, “Melissa, will you marry me?”

I laughed, “YES! A thousand times, yes!” and kissed him.

He gently slipped his grandmother’s ring onto my left ring finger and then swept me up into a giant squeezy hug that said more than words could have even hinted at.

I was laughing in sheer joy. I couldn’t stop smiling, which made it hard to kiss him, but kiss him I did! We were both giddy and hugging and staring at the ring and then giggling and then kissing and I couldn’t even cry, I was too caught up in pure bliss.

Then he got on his knee again and asked me in American Sign Language. I answered back in ASL with the same exact reply as before. A new round of hugs and kisses. New laughs and smiles. I couldn’t stop staring at him.

Everything was perfect.

It was a complete surprise, and exactly what I wanted. He was so proud.

Private, simple, and sincere. Our eyes and hearts and souls all connected to make the most important decision of our lives.

I was even wearing my favorite Koala Sweater! hahaha.

My dear Karl and I will be sealed for our Time on earth, and for all Eternity after that, on September 19 in a temple of God. That’s when our real journey together begins.

I am so thrilled. I feel so loved. This boy is literally better than I ever dared to dream for. I am proud to be his forever. I am proud to have him as mine forever. We’re a good team. I can’t wait to start our life together in a Holy Union.

He is worth every sacrifice and struggle I've faced in order to get to this point. He is worth the wait in so many meanings.

I have been through so. Much. To get where I am now mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It has been at times, a battle. There were times when I lost hope.

But in Karl I have found every joy I dreamed of when days were dark. And in this boy I see all the goodness I knew was possible in a man of God. Karl is the cumulative representation of the redemption and the mercy I've received throughout my life. A witness of how far I've come and what I've made of my life. He is the bright shining hope of my future, and in him I see the companion who is perfect for me. The partner I need to help me make it back to my Heavenly Father.

For the rest of our lives, Karl and I will climb together.

I could not be more happy or proud of that.

Thank for your love and support along the way, friends. I could not have made it here without you!
And as i have always promised, My engagement to the man of my dreams was announced first here on my blog before any other social media! because i love you all so much!