the haystack needle

surprise surprise — it's a boy!

2013-03-07T13:41:15-05:00

Hello everyone! I am now a mama to two little ones (which explains the radio silence as these past few weeks have flown by — holy cow, two kiddos under two keep you busy!!) On February 11th, we welcomed Leo Guthrie L'Italien into our lives. He was the second biggest surprise ever, since like Juniper, we totally guessed the wrong sex. I was 99 percent positive I was having a girl. I so love waiting to find out — you just never know! Leo's birth was a really sweet ending to a difficult pregnancy. My midwives were amazing and I had a fantastic doula by my side. I was able to be in the incredible birth center at St Luke's Roosevelt and have the natural childbirth I was hoping for — and my recovery has been so much easier than with Juniper. I am so thankful.

We're getting to know this little man, with his eyebrow that furrows and his strong spirit. It's sweet to watch the looks he gives his big sister. Juniper is showering him with her sweetness — lots of kisses and gentle head rubs (sometimes some not-so-gentle pokes as well.) We're all adjusting a little more each day. I had somehow forgotten how breastfeeding in the beginning is like a 12 hour a day job. It's a lot harder to do while caring for a toddler. I marvel at all the moms with multiple kiddos — it's tough work. I do miss sleep. I haven't had a chance to write an email in a long time. I really would love a haircut. But Leo is waking up to the world a little more each day, and I'm excited to get to know this little angel I feel lucky to call my son.

Sometime after Juniper turned one, I remember a mama friend telling me that the first year of being a mom is physically challenging. And after your baby turns one and becomes a toddler, it becomes more mentally challenging as a mom. I totally agree with that. So far, I feel like being a mama to a toddler and a newborn feels like the biggest physical and emotional challenge I've faced, and most days feel like a marathon. My biggest struggle is not being able to do two things at once at times when they both need me. I'm hoping to master nursing in a sling because I can't figure out how moms of two manage when both kiddos need to eat — how to make Juniper's dinner and nurse a newborn?! I welcome any tips from you mamas out there on how you managed caring for two littles. I find it so heartbreaking when I can't take care of one because the other one needs me more. I wish I could somehow grow two more arms. But until then I'm hoping that patience and love will go a long way to making a smooth transition into being a family of four. And dance parties. I didn't get to do all the one-on-one outings I'd hoped to have with Juniper before Leo arrived. So I'm making sure she knows how much I love her and dancing with her in my arms now that I can pick her up again. I know she's going to be one amazing big sister.

Welcome to the world, Leo Guthrie. You are our sweet valentine.

loving the little things

2013-01-29T10:48:17-05:00

Before I became a mama, I was very much of the thinking that when you have an obstacle, you go after finding the solution and making it right. Full steam ahead. But then I had my sweet baby girl. And watching the world through her eyes, I saw how much my grownup junk had gotten in the way of remembering there's often a process (and sometimes a long, winding one at that) to get from point A to point B. Babies understand you have to crawl before you walk, but that's something I definitely tend to forget at times in my own life. Everything that Juniper learns to do — from the early days of clutching her first rattle to spooning yogurt into her mouth herself now — has been a process. I love how being with Juniper these last 19 months has helped soften that knee-jerk reaction in me that there has to be instant results, or major shifts, to mean change is happening. Sometimes it's the little shifts that can create the biggest changes in the long run. So I've been trying to infuse this lesson into my life — making homemade meals happen everyday in a simpler way than the cookbook and magazine recipes I want to create, making small positive efforts in relationships that have become more disconnected, and focusing on surrounding myself only with the things that I love — and purging the rest that's just ok and takes up space. I already feel lighter and like change is afoot. Here's a list of some little things that have been making me happy in big ways.

+ a sweet daily reminder: The photo above is a shot of the vintage banner, found on Etsy, that I gave Dan for Christmas and just recently hung above our bed. With a toddler at home and baby on the way, it's sometimes easy to lose sight of where it all began.

+ Trader Joe's baking mixes: With this crazy cold weather we've been having, Juni has been cooped up indoors at our apartment more often than not. So we've taken to baking every week as an afternoon activity that's fun. Being 9 months pregnant, I have little energy for much these days, so we're keeping it super simple — baking mixes from Trader Joe's. I put Juniper in her beloved learning tower, and she helps whisk and stir some truffle brownies. Then we get a sweet treat around 4 o'clock with a glass of milk. Win win for all.

+ creating a place to drop bags at the door: We're lucky to have a small mudroom in this apartment, but it's still packed to the brim between a stroller, a shoe trolley with all our shoes, hooks on the wall for hats + carriers + scarves, and a vintage crate mounted to the wall to stow keys. I still had no place to drop my bag, or the many pouches of Juni's stuff that gets shuffled between bags. I decided to move this Hable Construction bushel I had into our hallway, so I have a place to drop incoming bags and stuff stops winding up on the floor. Much happier!

+ new way to store snacks: We lack pantry storage in the kitchen, mostly because I have an extensive collection of kitchen stuff from being a magazine home editor for years. So our chips, snacks, and fruit sit out on our island. I used to keep snacks in a mix of 3 bowls, but even in the prettiest bowls, it still looked messy since you could see the packaging. I decided to transfer these fabric buckets from Juni's nursery to snack storage in the kitchen — and they happily work well as a storage solution.

+ a streamlined, comfortable maternity wardrobe: I had inherited maternity jeans for Juni's pregnancy that were cool designer jeans, but they were actually 2 sizes too big for me. So they were constantly falling down and I always felt like a frump. I debated buying maternity jeans this time around, but I couldn't find any pair that looked decent on me. So I went with a pair of cheapo maternity cords from Old Navy that fit me through 36 weeks and have been doing leggings with tunics/long sweaters/dresses otherwise. I'm so much more comfortable and I feel like I look better than I did wearing baggy jeans that didn't fit. A friend took me to Beacon's Closet and I scored my best find for being pregnant in the winter — a (non-maternity) coat by Built by Wendy (for $60 and it was like new!) that I can still button at 9 months! It has a drawstring style design that I just loosened all the way, so it fits over my bump. It's a really warm wool coat that is something I'll wear next season — happy, happy! And I traded in clothes at Beacon's for a few long (mostly cardigan-style) sweaters that I wear all the time. I like the fact that they're quality wool sweaters, from brands I wouldn't typically be able to afford new, rather than spending the same money on an H&M sweater that will pill after a few wearings. I also have been living in this jumper-style dress I bought a couple years ago from Pip Squeak Chapeau. Perfect maternity dress that grows with you.

And some little things I'd really like to make happen:

+ make our bed daily in the morning

+ figure out how to make my email inboxes more manageable

+ finish Juniper's baby book

+ perfect my grilled-cheese making skills

+ paint a stencil on the wall

I like how the good little changes make the hard stuff feel like it's melting, even when the ice is still there.

hyperemesis gravidarum

2013-01-18T22:53:24-05:00

I wanted to break from the topics I typically share on this blog to share something much more personal today. When I first became a mama, I remember all those moments where I'd meet another mom (typically at Caribou Baby, where I spent all my time) and hear some tip or story that would make me feel like I'm not alone in the struggles of being a new mom. That's why I wanted to write this post about my experience with hyperemesis gravidarum. I thought if it helps someone else feel less alone in her struggle with this debilitating condition, that definitely makes it worth sharing. So for most of you, this may be a post to skip. But for anyone out who's felt crippled by morning sickness, here's what my experience was and what helped me.

I experienced hyperemesis gravidarum with both pregnancies, but I wasn't officially diagnosed with it when I was pregnant with Juniper. That was mainly because I wound up switching caregivers during my first trimester, from my OBGYN to my midwives and did a poor job (in hindsight) of letting them know how bad it was for me. In many ways, I was even more sick with my first pregnancy, but I thought I wasn't sick enough to qualify as needing the extra help. I thought there was nothing that could be done for me. Most everyone gets morning sickness, right? Most of what I'd read in books made it seem like women with hyperemesis gravidarum can't eat anything at all ever while they're sick and often lose weight. I was able to eat small amounts of some specific foods, and I didn't lose weight with either pregnancy, even though I was eating far less than normal and throwing up 6-8 times a day during the rough times. So one of the first points I wanted to make is that there's a spectrum, and you can benefit from getting help for your morning sickness even if you don't sound exactly like how they describe the condition in books.

How it began:

For me, the morning sickness began seemingly overnight — poof — it was there one morning right at the start of my 6th week of pregnancy. There was a distinct change in how my body felt. The nausea came on strong right away, as well as the loss of appetite, but I also developed a very strong sense of smell that was present throughout my morning sickness. I called it "the smells", and it was my main trigger for throwing up. From week 6 till about week 22 of both pregnancies, I had an extraordinary acute sense of smell that crippled my ability to do everyday things. There were obvious smell triggers that probably affect most pregnant women here in the city — the Halal food trucks would set me off from a block away. The smell of any Asian foods were a strong trigger. Being morning sick through the hot summer this time around was really tough, since New York smells the worst in the summer with the heat. But it was also things you wouldn't expect — the smell of summer produce at your market (typically a delicious smell) would set me off. I couldn't walk in grocery stores without risking throwing up. My refrigerator was also off limits. If you microwaved something in our kitchen, I could smell it all the way in the bedroom and it would likely set me off. I couldn't even open our dishwasher, more or less deal with washing dishes.

It's not just in the morning:

I don't think it's just women with hyperemesis gravidarum who experience morning sickness at times other than the morning. It's really a silly name for this condition. Sure, for some women, it's worse in the morning. But that's not the case for everyone. With my experience, it was constant — all day, all night. There were no moments of relief, just times where the nausea got kicked up and then I vomited. For four months, I felt in this fog of nausea, trapped like groundhog day in this overwhelming feeling similar to the first day of a stomach flu mixed with the fatigue of being jet-lagged. In fact, the evenings were the worst for me. I often experienced fever-like chills in the evening, which would last a while. Eating something sugary sometimes helped — hot cocoa helped my chills in my first pregnancy. In doing some more reading this time around, I think the evenings were worse for me because my body was extra tired and fatigue is definitely your enemy with this condition. It only makes the nausea more pronounced and you more likely to throw up. First thing in the morning was another rough time for me. I had trouble sleeping through the night, because the nausea often woke me up. And fast movements made it worse — the act of getting up out of bed and walking to the bathroom was always tough. If your experience with morning sickness is a constant sense of nausea, that's a good sign that you may have hyperemesis gravidarum. If you can avoid having to rush around in the morning — have your partner take care of the to-dos first thing in the morning — that will help.

The obvious remedies:

With my first pregnancy, I tried all the typical remedies recommended for morning sickness — keeping something in your stomach, Saltines, ginger of all kinds (which made me more nauseas, in fact), anti-nausea teas, acupuncture, herbal remedies, beads in my ear, motion sickness bands, sugary lozenges, taking extra B6 vitamins with Unisom, you name it. Honestly nothing helped. I did do a fair amount of acupuncture in my first pregnancy through the really rough weeks — I went in for treatments twice a week. I felt great during the treatments — it was the only time I felt good during that time. But about an hour or two after treatment, the nausea came back. The herbal formulas likewise didn't produce a noticeable change for me. So this time around I skipped acupuncture.

Small things that did help:

When you have hyperemesis gravidarum, you're so sick that you're just trying to make it through each day, hoping to throw up less than you did the day before. There was nothing that made the nausea go away for me, so my goal was simply to find ways to avoid throwing up so often, since vomiting put my body closer to serious dehydration. After two experiences with this condition, here are some small things that did help save me from throwing up at times, especially in public (though I can't even count how many times I threw up in public — that was one of the more difficult things for me to emotionally handle.)

+ Lemons: The smell of lemons was a positive smell for me. Dan actually figured it out in my first pregnancy. Sticking my nose in a bowl of lemons helped save me from the brink of throwing up many times. In my second pregnancy, I walked around with lemon-scented towelettes I found at my pharmacy. Sure, I looked silly walked around with a towelette held up to my nose, but it was the only way I could walk around without throwing up instanteously from the city smells. With my first pregnancy, I was morning sick through the fall and early winter, which made it easier in that I shielded my face with a scarf to block out smells. If I'd known about the lemons then, I would have gotten an herbal lemon spray to mist on my scarf. Because some places, like the subway, have smells that are so strong I needed a good smell to counteract it.

+ Gummy pre-natal vitamins: I'm not a great pill taker to begin with, and when I got morning sick, the gag reflex came on strong. It was next to impossible to swallow (and not throw back up) my prenatals during Juniper's pregnancy. And of course, you want to take your vitamins. You're already feeling guilty that you can't eat anything, more or less eat the healthy foods you'd expected to be eating during pregnancy to help your baby. I didn't know back then that there are gummy pre-natal vitamins. They taste like candy and were easy for me to take even during the worst weeks of this pregnancy.

+ Sleep: It's obvious, and it's not something that's often possible (much harder for me with a toddler at home this time around.) But the more I could lie down and rest, the better my chances of not throwing up as often that day. Getting to bed early was also really helpful. In my first pregnancy, I was in bed by 8 whenever possible. That was much harder to do this time with taking care of Juniper. But the earlier the better.

+ Sugar: For both pregnancies, sugar helped cut the edge of the nausea at times. The cracker trick at night never did anything for me. But in my first pregnancy, I literally ate through boxes of popsicles one week as my only food. I've heard the reason sugar works is that your body has low blood sugar while growing the placenta. Unfortunately, I didn't find that the sugar was enough to bring me out of the nausea — but it did save me from throwing up at times.

Taking in fluids with hyperemesis gravidarum:

You're pregnant. Woohoo! So commence drinking tons of water, right? Wrong. That was my experience with both pregnancies while I had hyperemesis gravidarum. In my first pregnancy, I could only drink sugary drinks while I was sick — Gatorade, sometimes lemonade, sometimes ginger ale, and eventually blueberry-infused water and other combos of juice and water. And I found that it's best to sip only. I found that gulping down any drink would aggravate my gag reflex. With this second pregnancy, I really couldn't keep down any kind of water for the first few months (which was especially tricky since it was during the summer, when you crave water in the heat.) Honestly, I drank only ginger ale for more than three months. I'm not a soda drinker, and I can't even express how much I hated ginger ale by the end. But it was the only drink I could keep down for some reason. Water made me instantly throw up. I was so tired of drinking sugary drinks —I just wanted water! I learned the value of ice and watering things down in this second pregnancy — ginger ale is much more palatable on ice and with a little water in it. I would try diluting the drink that works for you, so you're sure you're drinking enough. It was so hard to consumer ginger ale in large quantities, so I drank less and had a hard time staying hydrated. My midwife recommended coconut water, which unfortunately didn't work for me. But that's another option to try if you're struggling to get any liquids down. I didn't push myself enough to drink what I could drink, since the ginger ale was so not appetizing in the middle of July. But I wish I had, as the more dehydrated I got, the more likely I was to throw up, which in turn made me more dehydrated. It was a vicious cycle that landed me in the hospital a few times for IVs. It felt amazing to drink plain water once my morning sickness passed.

Sweet versus salty foods and proteins:

With both experiences with morning sickness, plain carbs and sweet carbs (plain bagel, piece of banana bread, cookies) were the few foods I could keep down. I also was able to eat some fruit — grapefruit always worked for me. So a good food day would include a grapefruit and a bagel, with not much else. Sometimes ice cream would go down, so I'd eat that. Obviously not the healthiest of choices, but I had to let that go. The goal was to get something in my stomach so that I would not get sick.

No one likes to throw up, and the seemingly neverending experience of throwing up in my first pregnancy made me terrified to try any foods. I assumed anything would make me throw up. The second time around, I was more brave to try and test it out. Ultimately, I found the sugary foods worked less well than something salty, if I could find something salty to stomach. Shockingly, I could eat Greek olives while I was morning sick this time around. We'd take Juniper to our local cafe for breakfast, and I couldn't eat anything but a bowl of olives. But that made the sensation of needing to throw up go away better than a cookie or piece of bread would. I also experimented with protein bars. Some made me instantly throw up. And I was not able to try many brands, since we're nut-free in our house with Juniper's nut allergy. But I did find a couple protein bars that worked for me at times. And those definitely helped sustain me better. Two protein bars a day in the summer was a good food day. I had some success with cheese, too.

Traveling while morning sick:

I read in a couple of books that women who are prone to bad motion sickness are more likely to experience hyperemesis gravidarum when pregnant. That was me, for sure. I've always had awful car sickness — like I can't even look at a map nor sit in the backseat. When I had morning sickness the first time, and we roadtripped up to Maine, I literally thought I was going to die. I even asked Dan to leave me in Connecticut at some random hotel we passed at a rest stop! (He did not leave me.) If you can avoid long trips in the car, they definitely don't help the nausea. But sometimes you need to get somewhere. We went back to Maine this summer, in part to get me away from the smelly, hot city. I drove most of the way, which was easier for me than being a passenger. Make sure to have bags handy. It's worse to not be prepared.

The emotional side of hyperemesis gravidarum:

I think the most crippling part of hyperemesis gravidarum is the emotional side of the condition. I felt so helpless, so miserable, and so scared that it would never end. The first time around, I read online forums constantly to get a sense of what others experienced (bad idea). Was I going to be one of the women whose morning sickness lasted through her 7th or 8th month? How would I survive this? Those months in my first pregnancy were filled with me literally moaning in misery, which was also really tough for Dan to be around. Neither of us knew what to do and there was so much fear surrounding the sickness. It was also just unpleasant. In both instances, I had to have buckets in every room. Not a pleasant thing to see or hear, of course. With my first pregnancy, I felt super depressed. I barely worked and stayed in most of the time, because I didn't want to risk throwing up in public (which happened often.) But my head was in such a fog that I couldn't even enjoy the "down time". I couldn't focus on anything — a good movie on Netflix, reading a book, doing some simple craft project. My mind felt like mush and the fear of throwing up and the battle with my nausea was the only thought present to me.

This time around, the morning sickness came on as I found out I was pregnant. I had no time to prepare. I went from finding out I was pregnant (and being a freelancer who was full-time taking care of my daughter) to needing full-time care to watch Juni two days after my pregnancy test. I literally couldn't feed my daughter — couldn't prepare her foods or sit with her while she ate. That was one of the toughest parts of this mess. I felt incredibly helpless. I hated losing that time with her. She was a year old and we were working to expand her palate and see food as a fun, social activity. I couldn't experience any meals with her through that time. The few times that I did often ended with me getting sick. She was such a trooper and continued to eat one time after I threw up right in front of her. I hated having to run off to the bathroom to throw up — constantly worried that I was scaring her or scarring her emotionally with seeing me so sick. I went to a really dark place of fear with my first bout of morning sickness, but this time around, my fears were mostly centered on how I couldn't care for my child in the same way. It was a painfully, helpless feeling. But I do think I got lucky. For one, I had help around me. And I let more friends in to what I was experiencing, which helped greatly (see below). And Juniper is such a sweet soul. I learned that letting go of my own fears made her not get scared about seeing me sick. And I just let some amazing sitters show her the summer that I'd wanted to show her. It was hard to let go after spending my days full-time with her. But I had to take care of myself, and I was happy that she was getting out to the playground and experiencing summer outside, especially when it was so hard for me to be outside in the heat. We also got out of the city (went to Maine for two weeks) which helped a lot. I didn't battle the smells as much in the outdoors at the lake camp of Dan's family. Juniper loved the water and hanging out in the grass (novelty for a city girl.) Getting moments of reprieve from the daily grind of being so sick in the city helped a lot emotionally.

I also struggled with negative feelings about being cheated out of the summer with Juniper, and losing so much time. But now that I'm past the morning sickness, I feel less negative about everything. It's important to remind yourself that it will end.

Letting people in:

With my first pregnancy, the morning sickness hit me like a truck and then I got trapped inside of it. A few of my closest friends live on the West coast, and with the time difference, I could never find an evening where I felt well enough to call them post-work. And then there were friends with whom I wanted to share the news in person, but I couldn't find the energy to meet up. Most of all, I had a hard time figuring out how to let people in to my amazing news (we're pregnant!!) while feeling like I couldn't function at all. I was better at letting more people in with this pregnancy, but I still fell into that trap of feeling too physically sick to reach out, but not wanting to announce my news in an impersonal way, like email. And I think it's really hard to reveal you feel like you're falling apart. I don't think it helps to shut people out when you're going through something like this. I wish I had done things differently with a lot of friends. It's definitely hard to reach out and even harder to ask for help. But I know I wouldn't have gotten through this summer without the support of some friends who knew about my sickness. One amazing friend even came to the hospital with me and spent many hours with me while I waited for an IV. I had friends do without asking — send care packages, call to check in, and help in many ways with Juniper. It only helps to have support around you, so I definitely learned that letting people in — even if it's not in the way you imagined — is the best way to go. You'll then have the support you need and your friends won't wonder why you suddenly disappeared.

Going to the hospital for treatment:

I wound up going to the hospital a couple times with this pregnancy (once up in Maine). Of all the remedies I tried, I will say that getting two bags of IV fluids was the one and only thing that did work to quell my nausea and make me feel like a normal person. Unfortunately, that good feeling only lasted part of a day and then the nausea came back. But the IVs helped get me out of the danger zone of dehydration. I waited until I couldn't keep anything down before going to the hospital both times. I wish I had gone earlier — with the second trip, it was a painful process to get the IV started, since I was so dehydrated. It's certainly not a pleasant experience to go to the hospital, but I will say it's worth it if you're experiencing this extreme nausea and keep throwing up what you eat and drink. Don't forget to bring layers as I didn't realize how freezing ER rooms can be. I also felt hungry (for the first time) instantly after my IV was finished during my first hospital trip. I wish I'd had a snack handy.

Taking medication:

There are two medications that are often prescribed for hyperemesis gravidarum. While I'd hoped to have a more natural pregnancy free of chemicals and bad stuff, I hit a wall after being in the hospital. I just couldn't take the nausea anymore. i did try both meds, and unfortunately (or fortunately because I didn't like the idea of taking the meds), they didn't work for me. As with everything I'm saying or suggesting here, I'd talk with your doctor or midwife first to see what's best for you. For me, the IVs were the only solution that got me to a better place for a little while.

Be kind to yourself:

Pregnancy is no walk in the park for most women, but it's certainly more challenging if you experience hyperemesis gravidarum. I made the mistake of laying a ton of guilt on myself. In the first pregnancy, I was convinced I was harming the baby because I wasn't eating much and couldn't eat healthy for so long. Juniper was born healthy at 8lbs 11oz — my body took care of her just fine. In this pregnancy, I felt so guilty for not being able to take care of Juniper, doing anything from feeding her to changing her diaper. Even holding her was tough when I was in a bad place with the nausea. I feared she'd have bad associations with food from watching me and from me being absent from mealtimes. I felt guilty for not sending thank you notes from her first birthday party. I felt awful for all the times we were trapped indoors, because I couldn't handle the heat outside without being sick. But Juniper, like all kids, is resilient and her sweet spirit seemed to understand and empathize with my condition. She's actually doing great with eating, and all my silly worries were wasted energy. I sent her birthday thank yous in tandem with our holiday cards ;) All is well. Try not to pile on the guilt, as the emotional stress certainly doesn't help your physical state.

There was no book I found that I really loved, and I had a hard time finding great information online, outside of the endless online forum threads. But I would recommend checking out this post by Stephanie. I found it very insightful, honest, and it helped me to read another woman's experience with hyperemesis gravidarum.

And lastly, for those of you brave women who have also dealt with hyperemesis gravidarum, I would love to give you a hug. I never met anyone during my first pregnancy who'd experienced it. Though I did grow tired of people telling me to try crackers and ginger to cure my nausea. The main thing I learned the first time around is that you need to advocate for yourself if you are someone who's dealing with this extreme morning sickness that's constant and affects your whole life. So many women get morning sickness, which is why I think some caregivers don't take this condition seriously enough. I would have greatly benefitted from getting IV fluids during my first pregnancy. But instead, I had my initial doctor offer useless advice like "stay away from greasy foods" when I was unable to keep a piece of toast down. Let your caregiver know the details of how bad it is for you, because hopefully something — whether it's a trip to the hospital for IV fluids (not fun, but certainly a great boost to your body) or medication or some other treatment may be able to help you.

Obviously, I'm not a doctor, so read this post as my personal account and definitely consult with your caregivers about how you treat your condition.

thank you

2013-01-18T12:11:12-05:00

I just wanted to pop in to say a big thanks for all the comments here and elsewhere about my pregnancy news and what I shared yesterday about my struggles with blogging. I didn't expect that amazing response at all, and it really made my day. It also reminded me why I love being a small part of this online space, and how I really love the people I've connected with through blogging. I am still posting about my experience with hyperemesis gravidarum later today. I just decided to add some things to what I've written, so it will likely go up after a certain toddler's bedtime. Thanks again for all the love.

xo Jen

hello again

2013-01-17T12:29:58-05:00

Hello, friends. Where have I been? I certainly have been a delinquent blogger. I wanted to share in this post, and another I've written and will share tomorrow, why I've taken such a long blogging break. The little (big) secret that simply explains my radio silence — I'm pregnant! And I'm actually really pregnant, as in due next month!! So there's much to share, let me start with the happy.

I can't believe in a month I'll be a mama to two kiddos. It's starting to feel very real that in a short time we'll have a delicious little newborn in our midst to swaddle and hold. We don't know what we're having, but I've felt the whole time that I'm having a girl. We'll see! I cannot wait for that moment. This time around we have names picked for a boy and girl and love them both equally (we struggled with coming up with a boy's name last time around.) Juniper thinks my belly is funny and will point and say "baby." She has her predictions on whether we're having a boy or girl, which relies solely on whether you ask, "Are we having a boy or girl?" Juniper: GIRLLLL! "Are we having a girl or boy?" Juniper: BOOOY! I think she is going to be an amazing big sister. The last few weeks, she has grown up seemingly overnight into this very independent toddler who says good morning, lets us know that she just did peepee, and carries her towel into her bath. She's quite the little helper already. Whenever I talk to someone who has a sibling who's close in age, I always hear a story about how close they were growing up. It makes me happy to imagine. I am so far apart in age from my two brothers, so the dynamic has always been much different. I can't imagine having a sibling in school with you or someone to play games of make believe and swing next to in the playground. When I found out I was pregnant, just days after Juniper's first birthday, one of my midwives said to me, "You're giving Juniper the best gift ever." It didn't really click for me then, but now at 36 weeks, I can already see that Juniper is going to experience a new kind of love, too.

Of course, a baby's arrival is happy news, and you may be wondering why I didn't post this news earlier or share any posts on baby finds and growing bumps. This pregnancy is certainly a blessing, but it's also been the hardest 8 months of my life. In the post I'm sharing tomorrow, in hopes that reading my story may in some small way help another woman going through it, I will share my experience with hyperemesis gravidarum. You may have heard of the condition from news about the Dutchess. My experience sounds like it was much different than Kate Middleton's. And on top of feeling incredibly morning sick with a few trips to the hospital in those first five months, I've had a growing mountain of personal challenges on my plate. Dan also lost his job a few months ago, which has been a stressful challenge for our family. My life suddenly seems to be filled with big question marks and unknowns, something this type A girl is not great at embracing. I'm learning to take each day as it comes. This baby has already given me the greatest gift of keeping my spirits light so I don't get too caught up in that dark barrel of what ifs.

Part of the reason I held my cards close this pregnancy and didn't announce it earlier is that I'm the kind of person who tends to retreat when things are not going smoothly. I find it hard to open up when I'm in a vulnerable place. And then I had the blogger mindset of wanting to share the big news with the perfect belly shot (which hasn't happened — I have next to no photos of me pregnant.) I've continued to be an active blog reader, which I think has made it more difficult for me to blog myself. It's that desire for things to look just so.

Blogging has so evolved since when I launched this blog. When I started blogging a few years ago, there was no Pinterest rabbit hole of perfect spaces and beautiful things to covet. And it seemed like many bloggers, besides a few established ones, were more rough around the edges (in a good way) — posting inspiring, informative finds that included some posts from their own home and life adventures. The photos weren't always perfect. The posts didn't have Photoshop layouts and cool type layered over images. More blogs felt like online journals to me, rather than mini online magazines with staged shoots and recurring features. Blogging seemed less perfect back then to me. Now, it seems every blogger is a master of their fancy digital cameras, sponsorships have changed dramatically, and it feels less personal because of all the staging and prettiness. One of the first things I would always tell interns who worked for me when I was a magazine editor is that the photos you see in magazines are far from real — the staging that goes on behind the scenes at photo shoots is a masterful art of faking this or that. Perfection comes at a price of real authenticity, but it's a given that magazines are meant to be more on the aspirational side.

With the shift I've seen in blogs, I've struggled this past year to find my voice as a blogger. The reality is I'm not a professional blogger for this site — I don't make money off of it. And my time is super limited as a freelance writer and stylist who also has a 19-month-old at home with her full-time. And what I have time to create and share here will be far from perfect. I certainly struggle with that impulse to compare yourself to others, as I'm certainly inspired by all the pretty I see on other blogs. So I'm trying to embrace the idea that it's ok if my version of blogging falls short of what I'd like to do if I were in a different place. You may remember the birth announcements that I made for Juniper by hand. With all the parts to the card (and learning to take care of a newborn at the same time), the announcements finally went out the door in November for my June baby. They were exactly what I'd envisioned, but the process of making them had taken forever. I'm trying to let go of that part of my personality that won't let things happen if they're not just so. I've even tagged an idea for this baby's birth announcement — one that captures my aesthetic and feels original but would not be handmade by me or get in the mail five months late. I'm learning, yes.

I hope to find that happy medium in this space this year. I'd like to be present here and regularly share my thoughts and finds and ideas, without feeling paralyzed by the question of whether the post is pretty or perfect enough to post. Maybe there's a place for some blogs to be more raw, more random, and more spontaneous. I'm still as in love with the home market as I was when I started as an editor at Real Simple. I still love to organize my stuff in unique ways. I still struggle to meal plan or cook off of fresh ingredients rather than recipes. And I now have a lot of little cool things I've learned from being a new mom that I'd love to share as part of a conversation here. So my intention for this blog in the new year is to be less afraid of sharing a post that may not have the perfect images attached to it. To be less afraid of being compared next to the glossy, pretty blogs I enjoy reading (and to let go of comparing myself next to other bloggers.) To second guess myself less about whether a post is special enough to share, and just follow my instincts. To write more than analyze. To go back to my original goal for this space — to chronicle the things that I love and can't wait to share with others. With two little kiddos and a lot of life stuff happening, I'm sure the posts will look less perfect than I'd like. But I'd rather have some posts to look back on for this time in my life, rather than abandoning ship since I can't do everything as I'd like to. One of the biggest things I've learned in becoming a mama is that balance is more of an illusion. Motherhood is a complicated juggling act, and some days you're better at it than others, but there's always at least one ball you have to leave in the air for a bit.

So with that, I have some links to share with you. Also, I am on Pinterest if you'd like to find me there.

+ I love all the paper details in this Etsy shop, and I used these return address labels for our holiday cards.

+ A place to store all those Instagram photos.

+ I love all the teepees I see for kiddos, but I think I might like this style even better.

+ I'm really excited to use this when the baby comes (thank you, Sara and Mer!).

+ Our printer died, and we went with this Epson Artisan printer, which is awesome! I printed the photos sent out with our holiday cards and I've already made one photo album. It feels so good to have an easy, instant way to get tangible prints. I hated feeling like Juniper's photos were just trapped on my computer (and back-up drive) before.

+ I've been cooking from this cookbook, from one of our favorite local restaurants. Juniper loves her meatballs.

Tomorrow, I'll be sharing my story of having hyperemesis gravidarum — a severe version of morning sickness that affects a small percentage of women — with the hope that my little story may help even one woman. And then, I just hope to crank out a bunch of posts that have been in my head for far too long. (Baby, please don't come early, I have lots I'd like to do first!)

Nice to be back here. Cheers to an amazing 2013 for all. Thanks for reading.

xo Jen

ps. Photo above of my little family of three at the Ann Hamilton swings exhibit.

happy halloween!

2012-10-31T12:28:32-04:00

Hope everyone is safe and hanging in there in the aftermath of Sandy. We got lucky where we were in Brooklyn, so I'm really thankful. I'm also glad we had a little taste of Halloween over the weekend with a neighborhood parade for the little ones, since I'm not sure what will be happening today in the wake of all the storm damage. Here's Juniper dressed as a ladybug from over the weekend. I'm so happy she forgot she was wearing wings and antennae — it's hard to get those tots to wear costumes! Juni's costume is from here. Wishing you all a happy, safe Halloween! Be back soon.

the new normal + favorite books in our life

2012-10-08T20:05:41-04:00

Hello out there! Wow, that was a longer break than I expected to take — my longest break from blogging ever. I read an article in New York magazine recently about the use of the term "the new normal". While the story talked about the term used in a more negative way in pop culture dialogue, I relate to the phrase as a good descriptor for where I am in life now. Lately, I've been feeling like my new normal is learning to expect the unexpected and letting go of trying to master a formula for living since everything is so ever-changing and fluid, especially once a child enters your life. And the perfectionist in me, who loves to make lists and box problems with solutions, is slowly starting to embrace this new normal as a great life lesson, and hopefully one that's making me a stronger person. That being said, while I may not be as dependable of a blogger as I used to be, I can say I will always come back to this space. And I miss it when I can't blog as frequently.

Thank you to everyone who wrote in with suggestions and comments for some mama content I've been brainstorming — I really appreciate the input and I am planning to share my experiences on those topics as I dive back into blogging this fall. I also finally have party pics from Juniper's first birthday, so I'll be sharing those soon as well.

For now, I thought I would tiptoe back with something a little light — what books we're reading right now.

About two weeks ago, Juniper started to have clear favorites among her books, which are all stacked in crates along one wall in our living room. For a while, she's understood the word "book" and goes to get one when we ask her for a book to read. But now, it's obvious which ones are her favorites, which is so fun to see and reminds me how much of a little person with personality she is now (no longer a baby!).

+ The Honeybee and the Robber: Juniper got this book as a gift from her cousin Martha, who always finds the perfect things. I love Eric Carle's work, but I'd never heard of this book before. It's a tabbed book with moving butterflies, bees, and bears. And miraculously, most of the pages are still intact in this house. Juniper loves imitating the bear growl, as he goes to steal the honey. It's one of my favorites in our library, too.

+ MOO: One of our friends gave us an extra copy of this book, which fast became Juniper's daily must-read. Each page spread focuses on a different farm animal, with realistic photos, and textures to feel a wooly sheep and the silky mane of a horse. Juniper has been loving any book where she can practice her animal sounds, so this one is always a big hit.

+ Brown Bear, Brown Bear: This is one of those well-loved books that you often see given at showers, since so many people know about this favorite. Juniper just recently figured out how to move the tabs on her own, to reveal the photos of the animals. She's so proud she can do it all by herself — I'd love to find another book or two with this kind of design. And the illustrations are so pretty.

+ Lora Heller's Sign Language books: When Juniper was around 10 months old, I bought a few of Lora Heller's sign language board books and started signing some simple words with Juni — like milk, more, all done, and nap. I lost doing it for a while in the summer, but then I picked back up a month ago. And now, Juniper signs back to me. It's amazing, and I marvel every time we have a successful communication. Especially times when I wouldn't guess she's upset about something that she is. For example, I had put her down for a nap a week ago, and she was unusually fussy as she went down. She stood up in her crib and did the sign for milk. I went and got her a bottle, and sure enough, that was the problem. The books make it super easy to learn the signs, and it's definitely true that the more you use them, the faster your child will learn what they mean and sign back with you.

Are you loving any books in your family? I've also started reading this book to get some perspective on how to handle the toddler period and discipline going forward.

And a few links for you:

+ Juniper's Halloween costume just arrived. She's going to be a ladybug!

+ If I had the funds, I'd love to get this teepee.

+ Ditto, on this wood filing cabinet.

+ What a cool way to display favorite photographs.

+ And one of my new favorite blogs to read focuses on bringing a Montessori approach to learning at home. My brothers and I all went to Montessori for pre-school and kindergarten, and I'm a big fan of the Montessori philosophy on fostering your child's independence.

Top photos are favorites from my Instagram pics, from the end of the summer and start of fall.

Thanks for circling back with me. See you soon! xo Jen