The Hole in One Blog!

Dildo Baggins takes the Hole in One!

2025-10-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

When Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings he could never have anticipated the importance of his creation to one of New Zealand’s most important golf weekends. Hobbits have now given us the greatest and most shambolic results in golf. But as we know, nothing greater than 12 stabies can ever wash the stench of golf pooze off this years winner, Darcy (Dildo) Baggins. His golf is now amazing and a bitch slapping was delivered with vengeance and precision.

But to the beginning. In a hole in the ground lived a Seagull. He announced, renounced, declared, despaired, pondered then desponded. From that the 2025 HIO appeared. The boys whined, declared the Dunes was unfair, ambrose was un-American, cuntiness descended like only a bunch of cunts can. Despite it all the show went ahead, no one died, ambrose was fun, the Dunes pristine, the vibe all good.

Day one Ambrose was rad. Wonky of the woodland Wonks was declared the winner of the HIO. In an orgy of premature predictions, the tourney’s most farting golfer was touted as unbeatable by cunts who turned out to have no idea at all. Arise Sir Wonky? Yeah. Nah.

Day 2 aka Day 1 of the HIO saw Darcy start as he meant to finish. Day 2 saw him seal the deal.

Night 2 saw Marty get 1st prize for most fucked up. His delivery in Elvish and Orcish was impressive. How he got home in the dark is amazing. An array of bedwetters were gone before midnight. We see you cunts.

Final day and Darcy sealed the deal. He played to his handicap. Unlike the rest of us special needs cunts.

Well done DP. You hit the ball like a pro these days. The time of men(tal) cunts has ended. The time of Dildo Baggins begins….

Shire of Shame

Best golfer - Darcy. Outstanding.

Dildo Baggins award for shite golf - Sickman

Most pissed cunt - Marty

2nd best longest drive on final day - Scott

Biggest fall from grace - Wonky

Schplendid weekend boys. Well done Spiddy for another mint tourney.

Nek year organiser is the Fuhrer. Expect bunkers.

Ben to announce Open soon…cough…..

Game of Thrones in One plays out with the Fuhrer of House Moderation taking the prize

2024-11-10T19:33:00.003-08:00

Dear Melisandre,

On behalf of the Hole in One team we'd like to send our greetings from Matarangi. We've just finished the tourney for another year, shambles as always, but it was a good un.

Spiddy of Ferry Landing organised and it went remarkably smoothly. We were waiting for the wheels to fall off but it never happened and everyone was mightily impressed.

The Fuhrer won. No one saw that coming. We think he'd have been great on Game of Thrones as he is a bit of a rooter like the little fellah who killed Tywin Lanister.

This years tourney saw some of the most mediocre scores every submitted in the heat of battle. On Satruday we had at least 3 players vying for the worst every score after 9 holes off the Ladies teebox. Obviously despite the shiteness of their play they couldn't lower their standards far enough.

Ben Pegler of House Gypsy Tearoom and alleged spinner of words misheard the meaning of the Longest Drive and produced an entire new category of gash known as the Wrongest Drive. He sent it 2 metres into a bush on the 17th tee, feckin shabby.

Friday night was intense, everyone got fucked up. Scott of House Larry David went rogue and gave me the fear because of something Marty said and he misunderstood it then came across the room to tell me. You had to be there, Scott is a funny cunt. He's probably have not gone well on Game of Thrones because someone would have killed him early. But he's a legend.

Friday was such a good night, Graeme, or we like to call him the Hand of the Queen started telling us we didn't like him. What's up with that? we said. He comes to every tourney and parties and golfs with us and he still thinks we think he's a cunt. Maybe its some Canadian thing, you know, the North. If Graeme was on Game of Thrones, Brienne of Tarth would have head-butted him by now.

Mitch didn't win, which is puzzling. We've all done everything we can to help him, firstly by being old cunts. Maybe he's being polite. But then we remember he's from the Gold Coast which is kind of like House Bolton with better tanned Bogans.

Marty came last. We were surprised to see Marty there because there is no internet in his part of the Kingdom and he thinks we're conspiring against him. But we let golf conspire against him and it seems to be working. His absolute no golf campaign was controversial. Marty might have come last but he didn't get near THE Dildo Baggins level of 13 stabies owned by Darcy of House Pornhub. Not since the Sparrow upset Cersei has golf taken so much away from a golfer.

We had 2 new starters this year. Chris Heise of House Burgler nearly stole the tourney but for the actions of the wilding of Whangamata coming from nowhere on Day 3. The nowhere he came from was where the other new starter could be found, James Moore of House Less failed in his quest.

All in all it was a terrific weekend.

Lots of love

D. Baggins

PS: We were wondering how big your rack is? The boys think it looks like a pair of outstanding bosoms but we couldn't agree on the size. If there's something we like to grapple with in the HIO its womens anatomy. We spent ages working on Becky's bleached anus, Bob even wrote a song about it.

Also we are sorry you died on Game of Thrones, but you were a bit of a cunt.

________________________________________________________________________-

Awards

Hole in One winner, the Wilding of Whangamata, well done bro, amazing comeback.

Great organising award for a mint tourney - Spiddy of Ferry Landing.

Wrongest Drive, Ben, fucking amazing to contain that much gash into a single drive.

Best Drive and Closest to the Pin aggregate, Darcy of House Baggins

The Darran Wong Kam award for farting and soiling of ones undies goes to Darran Wong Kam

Dildo Baggins award for last place, Marty, the shitness of your golf has no depth

Marc holds of enigmatic Fuhrer to take the 2023 HIO!

2023-09-11T17:11:00.001-07:00

Marc gets the job done on the 18th to see off the Jeckyl and Hyde of golf, invader of nations and channeler of vaginal energy aka The Fuhrer. In a tourney that controversially removed the best 2 rounds ruling, there was no surprise that victory went to one of the few actually fully formed adults in the event.

The event got off to a shaky start with organiser supremo Scott Spicer, an ACT party fundraiser from Waihi decided that at this years tournament he'd like no one to come. Launching possibly one of the least charm offences ever seen in golf tourney organisation, he managed to wound the entire field before closing the books. Thankfully there are many aspects to Scotty and the devil got off his shoulder to be replaced by more saintly and user friendly Scott, the one we all like staying up talking shit with. Nek minute the red carpet has been dusted off and a field of 20 assembled to challenge for the greatest of average golf tourneys.

Day one will be most memorable for the 17 stabies Adi scratched together in what was his own personal festival of gash golf. On the positive side of the table Marc, Graeme, Fuhrer and Mitch turned in competitive numbers to be in contention heading into Day 2.

The biggest problem in golf tournaments is that Day 2 follows Night 1. Night 1 has a habit of shabbiness that has hung around like the stench of a bad fart since forever. A very pleasant dinner where everyone didn't get to see the alleged Laotian goddess of Waihi, just her nanna who served to show that Laotian goddesses have a fleeting moment in the sun. Back to Scotts where the true spirit of the Hole in One was on display as early front-runner Graeme got toasted as a very toasted person gets. Thus ultimately probably fucking up his tourney right there and then, well played Graeme. Several other spiritless and desperate cunts didn't do the mahi and vanished off for a good nights sleep because when you have no conscience it frees up space for carrying stabies in your black heart....

Day 2 was difficult if you were Scott or Adi because they stayed up like true contenders don't.

Paeroa, famous for a diabetic inducing sugary shit show with lemon allegedly an ingredient turns out to have a hidden gem of a golf course. Marc, Mitch, Fuhrer and Graeme finished the day at the top of the field whilst everyone else bungled their way around. Wonky scored well despite spending 4 hours in a cart with Parko, good cunt but also one of golfs most famous distractions. Adi operated a strong 2 shit strategy that ultimately failed, Bob got Karen'd by the Karens behind us.

If there is one thing the Fuhrer knows is vaginas. So finding ourselves under the same room at the RSA as a group of 46 aging vaginas was always going to have an impact on that inner something that helps him go from shambolic to sensational on a golf course. There has and never will be another human who can be the utter dregs of hell on a golf course for the first 4 holes before smashing 36 plus stabies on the remaining holes, it's just not possible. But the Fuhrer does it again and again.

Day 3 at Waihi was memorable for the burning anus suffered by Wonky which derailed any chance he had of competing for the title. That's arguably the only thing of interest that happened to anyone on course except for Marc and the Fuhrer, although the mad Tui's on the back nine were amazing. The title went down to the wire and Marc go the job done, well done that man there.

Was a rad weekend, thanks Scotty for organising and being an ace host, great time was enjoyed by all.

Honours

The Huggies award for not making it to the designated shitter in time goes to Marty

The Johnny Cash award for a literal Ring of Fire goes to Wonky.

The Becky's Bleached Anus award for song-writing goes to Bob

Hole in One winner and great golfer goes to Marc

The Dildo Baggins award for shitter than shit golf goes to Adi.

NB: The decision has been made to anchor the HIO at the Dunes in Matarangi for a spell, see you there next hear.

Mitch is organising the Open.

Sickman smashes the field in the far North!

2022-11-16T18:46:00.003-08:00

In one of the greatest big screen scenes ever from Pulp Fiction, Jules enquires of Brad to describe 'what does Marcellus Wallace look like?'. Unlike Marcellus Wallace, the entire field at this years HIO does indeed look like a bitch and that is why Sickman fucked us. Because we look like a bitch.

Coming in hot from his destruction of the Open at Tieke, Sickman had a hunger for trophies and the HIO had no chance against the most suspect handicap in golf. No amount of golf or lessons seemed to be able coax that handicap out of the 30's and so it was as the tourney commenced at Waitangi.

Friday could have been different. The weather gods worked hard to stop Sickmans campaign before he even arrived. The storms closed roads and delayed travel. Ben's Volvo turned submarine shituation providing one of the weekends miracles as good samaritans were called upon to rescue the sinking Volvo and despite banjo's and the threat of a Ned Beattie repeat the situ was saved and DDB's 3 least employed people arrived at Waitangi.

Waitangi saw some strong performances as everyone tried to book themselves their own room at the fab beach house at Coopers. Sadly for nearly everyone there were only 3 rooms available and every other sad cunt would have to satisfy himself sharing a room with snorers, sleeping in hallways, lounges or anywhere they could fit.

Day 2 at Carrington saw the leaders consolidate their position at the top of the leaderboard and failing a miracle the final day at the glorious Kauri Cliffs was a contest of 3 potential winners. In the end no one could stop Sickman. He's the Stockholm Syndrome of golf. Congratulations on a great haul, your handicap is plummeting and the boys look forward to revenge at the 2023 Open. Graeme came in at 2nd and Adi out of nowhere to secure 3rd place.

Big thanks to Spiddy for organising a rad 20th Hole in One. Who'd have imagined 20 years ago we'd still be going strong, well done bro!

WALL OF SHAME

Drunkest person all weekend award for being toasted - Marty

Snoriest cunt - Marty and Smith

Freaking Spid out award for threatening to move into his bedroom - Scott

Boss award for leaving his wife with a newborn and his parents - Mitch

Rolling Maul award for biggest women's rugby Karen's award, all who sit down to piss - Shane, Pete and Scott

Biggest tantrum award for no one wants to watch my gay Youtube video - Graeme

Paiges vagina award for most inspired come back from hell - Adi

DILDO BAGGINS AWARD A joint award this year for Marty and Scott. The shitness of your golf knows no bounds.

Spid conquers all in the lockdown showdown to take the 2021 HIO!

2021-12-13T16:12:00.003-08:00

If anyone needed reminding that Covid is a cunt, the 2021 tourney was all the evidence required. In her infinite wisdom, that only Ben and Scott can see, the Holy JaCersei decided to keep the Auckland colony in lockdown, stopping the free worlders from coming to town to do battle with the boy in the traditional fashion where everyone goes to the same course and plays golf. Thanks to the determination of this years organiser, Shane Rush, a sprayer of sea shit from Waikino, a suburb of Waihi, it was decided to push ahead despite the lockdown and play the match in 2 locations. Muriwai for the Jafugess and The Dunes and Lakes for the free worlders. Sadly the Lakes greens proved to be so beyond shite that 2 matches were played at the Dunes. It became reasonably quickly apparent that with Lakes being a horror show and the Dunes being just fucking hard to play that the Muriwai course was coughing up the best stabies. Spid was making light work of the lockdown cunts and produced 80 stabies to smash the field and take the tourney comfortably. Not much else to say really, was awesome catching up with the boys for some great golf and general good times. Lets hope we never have to play a split tourney again cos its a bit of a shite show really. Wall of Shame - The 'I've had lessons so get fucked cunts' award for successful golf preparation goes to - Spid - The 'what the fuck were we thinking playing at lakes award, the hardest course we could find' goes to - Lakes Resort - The Dildo Baggins award for shitness of golf goes to - Adi - The organiser award goes to Shane, well done mate, trying circumstances but you kept the boys from becoming their usual toddler like cunts. Here's to next year.

Ben Pegler leads from start to finish as the HIO hits Queenstown!

2020-12-07T18:58:00.002-08:00

Ben Pegler, a BLM and transgender rights advocate from Auckland smashes the field to win the 2020 Hole in One held at 3 amazing course in the Queenstown district. The great man who refuses to ride in a golf cart or wear long trousers, even in chilly conditions proved once and for all that every cat has its day.

The tourney started controversially when the serial stand by traveller from Waihitia, reigning champion Peter Tai (and Raysan) arrived early to the tourney to claim a single bedroom. How Pete managed to get on the plane with the excess baggage of a legitimate handicap is a mystery to everyone. The Fuhrer had cleverly assessed his arrival time to be more than enough to stake a claim for said above mentioned rooms and was Fuhrerous to discover that his neighbours from South South Whangamata had guzzumped his claim.

Friday it rained, the kind of rain that normal people do not go and play golf in. Milbrook was the perfect rain covered rich cunts ghetto to kick off the tourney. Many of us didn't mind the rain. Most of us did. Gash golf unfolded all over the course, Darcy nearly shat himself, the sound of cunts wailing like Sméagol could be heard in all directions. But through this Ben and Conrad emerged with 41 and 40 stabies respectively, amazing performance in the shite of the weather.

Friday night was party night and along with some goodies the boys piled into the beers and enjoyed the best of the view from the deck. Off to the pub for some beers and a bite then out into the night for many of us. At some stage Spid, Bob, The Fuhrer and Adi arrived at a mint club full of dancing yoof and good vibes. Then it happened, an attractive 20 something chick peeled away from the pack and got herself a major Adi crush, touching and twerking her way all over his campaign. Thankfully despite being quite fucked up, Adi recognised the alert level of this amorous engagement and managed to extricate himself from her grasp, Manon swooping in and rescuing her father as all good daughters ought to do. Clearly the young lady was only human and Adi's peak level of irresistibility was too much for her to hold back. Honorable mention to the Fuhrer for grabbing her ass, clearly the Fuhrer has no respect for boundaries and this was to be no exception.

Saturday and off to Arrowtown to discover that being hungover and trying to hit a narrow fairway is not for everyone, nearly not for anyone. The boys shabbed up the entire course, produced fuck all good golf, Marty the exception. Dave in his inaugural tourney and having chucked out a donut needed a great score on Saturday but came in hot with a 16, dangerously close to the ultimate Dildo Baggins award, long coveted and held by Darcy.

Friday night saw the entire crew enjoy some fine dining in a private setting at the Bunker. Great wine, delicious food and a general good vibe was enjoyed. At this stage the sensible amongst us left the building and headed home for a good kip before hitting the challenge of Jacks. No one told this to the Seagull and Pete who amongst others got heavily fucked up and ultimately had Sunday golf to forget or not at all...

Jacks Point was resplendent in sunshine as we arrived. The rebel tour had kicked off earlier. As we drove past Pete and his grey pallor it became instantly clear that this was not going to be his day. He actually played like a pro for the first 8 holes before a cloud of gash golf descended upon him and his campaign derailed in the true traditions of hungover hell.

Jacks was beautiful, spectacular, pick your superlative, but the boys were more laxative than superlative. The shite of nearly everyone's golf was testimony to the fine traditions of driving oneself off a cliff in the lead up to the big match. But Ben managed to do it again. Quietly cruising around the course in auto-pilot mode and his metronomic swing doing the biz.

So a massive congratulations to Ben, well deserved and worthy winner. Huge thank you to Queenstown for being such a beautiful place to hang out, friendly locals, twerkers, Ferg everything....

Thanks to the Rebels for coming down and making it a 16 man tourney, fucking epic. Big welcome to Dave and Ryan for joining the shambles, hope to see you at the next one.

Wall of Shame.

The Tourettes award for saying shit that you aren't really allowed to say goes to Bob for his Shakespearean contribution to the bar lady at Atlas, "she looks like she knows where all the cocks and balls are"

The WAP award for being too irresistible to women half is age goes to Adi.

The fucker upper of campaigns to the detriment of the very purpose of being in Queenstown award goes to the Seagull himself!

The any snoring Smith can do, I can do better award goes to the Sickman himself!

The optimism in the face of a tsunami of gash golf award goes to newcomer Dave.

The greyest Maori this side of a statue award goes to Pete.

Great weekend boys, thanks for all making the effort to come and play, was a ripper! See you at the Open.

Pete Tai stabies up a storm to take the 2019 Hole in One!

2019-11-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

Peter Tai, a transgender fishing entrepreneur from the Waihitian triangle has stormed to a compelling victory in this years Hole in One. Despite golf being the only handicap he doesn't have, he managed to hold off a strong finishing Fuhrer of Whangamata (a disrespecter of boundaries both national and personal).

This years tourney commenced at Te Puke in perfect conditions for golf. Despite a strong methane performance eminating from the club shitter and also the fat cunt who let one rip as he walked past several of us, the boys kept their heads clear and set off in pursuit of stabies. Nekminnit and in somewhat inevitable fashion, the scores for day 1 were collated and it was only great reading for the Waihitians. Not since the great heist at the Open in Taupo 2016 have so many Waihitians produced rounds that bore no resemblance to their handicaps (or pretend handicaps... ). Leader for the day was Pete, 44 stabies, 0 official handicap, lots of explaining to do.

Onwards to Ohope and the excruciating bed selection process was at its most horrendous. Serial Pollster (and winner of the 2019 Pollster Association of New Zealand award for the most completely unfathomable poll) Spid aka Seagull tried every bed in both houses before settling on a room and the madness was finally stopped.

The boys then went on a liesurely 3 hour walk to the nearby Fisherman's Wharf restaurant. No we didn't because unlike Raysan, (a long-term unemployed map reader from Cannon's Creek in the Porirua region), the boys can read maps and could see the shite of it coming out of him thinking it was just down the road...
$700 later on the only taxi in the area, the boys discovered that all was not what it seemed at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. Fish. You know, from the sea, bulging eye scales, fish. None, nada, zip, no fish were harmed in the consumption of our dinner at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. As if conjured from the deepest recesses of Poseidon's asshole, the boys had to dine of Steak, from the ocean of green called the Land.

Day 2 was special. Special needs. 2 participants in the 3 round tourney turned up on Day 2. Not since the debacle in Wellington (region, not actual) has such simple instructions as what day and when to turn up and play golf become so difficult for so many. Trevor Pye, a Jewish tea bagger from the Kaipara and Shane Rush a not very fucking rushed person arrived on Day 2. Special.

Conditions were great, the course was mint and the stabies were average across the park. Some of the worst 1st Tee performances ever seen at Ohope International were on display as the boys peppered the manicured gardens with the shittest of the shit tee-shits. It was as if the Dildo Baggins of Taniwha had put a spell on the boys.

That evening the boys retired to the Ohope club to catchup with one of Ben Pegler's (a professional manipulator of the truth from the inner suburbs of Dorkland) best mates, Nigel. Nigel no Mates. Ben and Nigel go way back and by the time we had got to know him better we hoped he would go back even further (to wherever the fuck he crawled out of..). But the boys are a tolerant and legit gathering of cunts and even the loneliest Nigel on earth is welcome with us (well next to Ben mainly)...

Day 3 was a "great day for a long drive" said Adrian Keane (a fucking all-round top bloke and big drive hitter from Cooks Bitch). It was also a great day for hitting stabies, so great indeed that for moments rumour spread around the course that Pete's big lead was in jeopardy and the Fuhrer was marching his troops into Pete's Poland. Thankfully once the Fuhrer became aware of his amazing 34 stabies with 4 holes to play he completely produced a hole of such complete shitness that his campaign went fast forward to destination fucked.
Another competitor to briefly lose his mind and enact the ancient ritual of club chucking was the Seagull who found the behaviour of his group so egregious as to be worthy of major recriminations. The naughty corner became a sell-out of transgressors, Ben (walking in front of tee-shit), Adi and the Fuhrer (not helping find hopelessly lost ball), Wedge (a club that made him hit a shite shot). To his credit, he managed to apologise and banish the brain Taniwha that had turned him into an angry cunt and we all played on happily ever after.

Meanwhile back in the leader pack, Pete was stabie collecting up a storm. No amount of Scott Spicer (a school board of trustees disruptor and part time cunt) complaining about the hold up from the team in front (as they desperately tried to find the Fuhrer's wayward shots).

So it came to pass. Pete Tai was victorious. 83 stabies on the official unofficial handicap register at Royal Fake Handicap of Cuntingham. Congratulations brother, you were the best and no one can take it away from you. Well played.

The Shame of Wall.

The whatever happened to Marty who didn't manage to outrage or annoy anyone by being Marty award goes to - Marty
The Fuck I hate waiting for the cunts in front of me to take a shot and I can't be fucked waiting for my team-mates to play their shots, fuck you all award goes to ---- Scott
The Mum wouldn't let me come and play golf on Friday award because I have been ritually castrated award goes to ---- Trev and Shane
The I like to have a beer with Duncan... I mean Nigel award for attracting strange lonely cunts goes to ----- Ben
The music industry award for having no music at my place award and moving the entire party there goes to ----- Scott.
The great weekend of golf organisation award goes to .----- Raysan.
The Dildo Baggins Award for Shitness of Golf goes to ----- Marty. Whilst he tied with Trev, his extra round to produce such Shiteness could not be ignored. Arise Sir Shiteness.

Marc backs up with victory in a playoff in the 2018 HIO!

2018-11-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

Marc Lesch, a Green Party fundraiser and Hauraki District Macarena champion 2003 has held off a fast finishing Smith, a Tinder and Bumble enthusiast from Whangamata in the final moments of this years Hole in One. Smith had Marc on the ropes and could have taken the tourney with a relatively simple putt on the first playoff hole, but an on-rush of substantial sphincter tightening distracted the great man and sent his putt flying past the hole. Marc didn't need a second chance and calmly finished Smith off sending him back to the Coromandel to continue working on the Poon Fund.

The 2018 Hole in One kicked off in shambolic fashion as it became apparent that no one had paid any attention to the 1st days tee off time and ensured their travel was booked to arrive late. This commitment to being shit continued for much of the weekend and everyone contributed to a masterclass of toddler like ability to wander off and do whatever the fuck suited them.

Day One results continued the tradition of playing for pole position of room selection only to arrive at the accommodation to discover that there were no winnable rooms and everyone was going to have to put up with some snoring cunt. Not since Spid woke everyone up at 7am at the Cambridge 'Open' has there been such a committed effort to ensure that no one would enjoy a good nights sleep.

Day two was shit weather. Windy and a bit rainy. Enough that half the team decided to fuck golf and go to the RSA. Snooker was played, horses were bet on and food was consumed in warmth and comfort. A visit to Smiths old man added to a pleasant afternoon of convivial company.
The golf at Paraparaumu to all accounts was also terrific, despite the challenging conditions and all the return players seemed to enjoy their round.

Anyway, no one died, attitudes developed, recriminations were traded and faster than you can say Jacinda has got big fat sausage legs, the boys were all back at base enjoying a few quiet beverages to finish the evening and ensure that they had plenty of snore time to annoy everyone with.

Sunday and the sun shone and the boys headed to Boulcott, less hungover and with steely motivation to bring glory upon themselves. Conditions were favourable and a tsunami of stapies were scored, including a round high 41 by Scott, a Pubic Hair analyst from Waihi.

The playoff was a cracker, and reminded everyone that our Drinking weekend away with the boys could be a golf weekend too.

Congratulations to Marc for organising this bakers dozen of shabbiness. Congratulations to Marc for winning the tournament again, well played.

Wall of Shame.

The 'if my wife doesn't remember' then fucked if I will award for not bring the fucking Precious to the only place its supposed to be every year goes to - Marc

The 'omigod I've been 'triggered and need a safe space' award for not being able to handle that their fangirl has got fat sausage legs award goes to - Ben and Steve

The Air Vladivostok award for inability to book a flight home that remotely correlates to the time I am available to board the fucking plane award goes to - Spid

The IHC award for lacking the cerebral matter to be able to understand simple instructions or communicate accurate instructions to any other human being - Darcy

The Dildo Baggins award for extreme level of shitness at golf - Steve

The Damo and Darren award for calling everyone a cunt goes to - Adi

The Sleep Deprivation award for ruinous levels of fucking snoring like a cunt goes to - Smith and Raysan

The 'unbelievably not controversial' award for being unbelievably not controversial - Scott

The 'eyes in the back of his head' award for being able to tell you what happened on a snooker table whilst facing in the complete opposite direction - Marty

Marc takes the Hole in One in Vegas!

2018-02-07T13:05:00.001-08:00

Marc Lesch, a cow fiddler from Ngatea has taken the 2017 Hole in One overcoming a late charge from a scavenging Seagull.

The Tournament kicked off on Friday at Rotorua where organiser Peter Tai, a professional chicken sexer from Waihitia endeavoured to stamp his authority on an increasingly belligerent field. The first group teed off without being given authority to do so leading to general outrage from the following participants.

The first day as always was play for your room day which lead to enhanced performances all round desperate to avoid having to share accommodation with Smith (snoring), Ben (bedwetter), Marty (sleep talking.....).

The Seagull controversially departed and missed out on the Friday night carry on. He had heard there was a rowing tournament on in Auckland and was desperate not to miss it. Sadly he was wrong so he ended up going to his sons school leaver dinner instead.

On Saturday the heavens opened and it rained. Not just rain. Biblical rain. The people of Rotorua abandoned all hope, loaded their goldfish, wives and playstation onto their arks and begged for mercy. Peter Tai had other plans. He thought it was a great day for golf. It wasn't. It was a shit day for golf. Everyone managed to hit a shit round, without fail. Plus added bonus of getting all their clubs and gear soaked, brilliant. But I digress. The madness was only beginning.

The Rugby League was on, the hits, the biff, so off the boys go to a sports bar, yep a sports bar in Vegas. Within very quick time, the champagne socialists in the tournament had to abandon the bar because there were too many common folks there.... empathy for their plight is one thing, but having to rub shoulders with them is another persons job. We were shocked seeing the left guard run away, not mentioning names of prominent Labour/Green voting people...Ben..cough... Scott....

Not accepting the breaking up of the band, the rest of the Hole in One ers endeavoured to find the escapees. Using powers of deduction, the socialist enclave were found hiding in the safest whitest dispenser of beer in town, an Irish pub..... with no fucking sound on the TV..... bullshit.

Finally that was kicked to touch and the footy was watched and dinner was had and Shane and Marty provided entertainment by annoying the shit out of each other and threatening violence......

The final day of the Tourney at Springfield, home of tight fairways and the Simpsons. An amazing round ensued. Never in the history of the tournament had so many players a chance to win it with 9 holes to play. As if by divine intervention the wheels fell off everyones campaign except the Seagull and Marc. It came down to the last hole and Marc's nerves held. Being the only real golfer of any serious ability in the tourney has always worked against him as the band of extra shot bandits rorted the Stableford system for all it is worth. A great victory by a great golfer and all round legit great guy. Well done Marc, well deserved.

Wall of Shame

The culturally insensitive award for dodgy jokes - Smith for his dodgy Islamic joke. Raysan has called the Jihad, watch your back, not everyone with a towel round there head in Whangamata has been to the beach..

The Jarvis Cocker award for empathy towards common people, just don't make me drink in a bar with them - Scott, Ben, Mitch, Shane.

The Morrissey award for smashing every tooth in your face - Shane Rush for wanting to do just that to Marty.

The its only offensive if you take offense award for no control over what comes out of my mouth award - Marty 1st, daylight 2nd.

The well organised tourney award - Pete Tai, well done brother, was a mint weekend in no small part thanks to your terrific organisation.

The take that you cunts award for playing great golf - Marc, take that you cunts (what he thought but didn't say, too polite).

Finally, the Dildo Baggins award for being so shit at golf as to defy reason - Ben..... again.

The Hole in One returns to Vegas for 2017

2017-10-29T15:46:00.002-07:00

Organiser and serial Waihitian Peter Tai would like to make the following announcement.

Friday 3rd November play Rotorua Golf Club Tee Off 11am for 12
players & 5 Carts
Saturday 4th Rotorua Golf Club Tee Off 12pm 12 players & 5 Carts
Sunday 5th Springfield Golf club Tee Off 11.00am 12 players & 5 Carts

Staying at (Click to view: www.bookabach.co.nz/22976) it has 11 beds
so may be 1 or 2 have couch action but Im sure we can make it work.

Please note it has a spa pool. There will be no nude spa action unless you are gay, then you can have as much nude spa activity as you like, just not when the rest of us are in the fucking thing.

Also, there will be a 2 stabie violation to anyone found guilty of breaching the following code of common decency..

- banging on about politics, no matter which party you kiss the ass of...
- talking about your own game incessantly
- being any other species of cockwomble.

Bring on the weekend. Bring a raincoat, the weather is looking shitter than shit.

Shane takes the 2016 Hole in One!!!

2016-11-20T18:08:00.002-08:00

Shane Rush, an organic farmer from the Karangahake Gorge area has taken the 2016 Hole in One in partially controversial circumstances. Hanging up his golf clubs in 2011 to raise lentils in the Gisborne region, Shane had been struck off the NZ Golf register only to return in 2016 with a Pending handicap which he magically converted into a 20. Using an age old method of sitting outside his local Bunnings on a Saturday afternoon whilst sipping an organic shake infused with the sperm of an organic Yak, Shane had an epiphany and 17 became 20. Despite this controversy and following an inquisition by a Court of his peers, Shane and his fellow controvert, Smith, were found ‘not guilty’ of handicap fraud and bringing the sanctity and good name of this tournament into question. A resounding ‘what a bunch of cunts you all are’ was the only comment Shane could muster after the decision was reached in a packed kitchen...

Meanwhile back on the greens, Shane shook off this controversy to deliver a knock out punch on the final day and see off the fast finishing duo of Marty and Scott. The two competitors at this years tournament who at 3am on Saturday morning were deemed to be look more like Gollum and Smeagol in real life than any other competitors trying to get their hands on the Precious.

Ant Healey takes the dishonourable Dildo Baggins award for 2016 for the fewest Stabies collected during the 3 days play. His playing only one round out of the three available proving to be a masterclass in shit decision making.

Full field results to come

The Honours Board

- Well organised Spid, great accommodation and smooth running made for a hassle free tourney.
- The ‘I didn’t do it but I still got yelled at’ award goes to Spid and Pete for taking the heat from the victim of Adi’s wayward tee shot on the 5th.
- The consistently inconsistent golf award goes to Trev for backing up his 18 stabies with a 36..
- The generally most mannered participant and helpful round the house award goes to Marc. Total gentleman.
- The ‘my little pony’ award for sleeping in a child's pink bedroom and bunk and allegedly feeding the chickens whilst in said location goes to the shabby Ben Pegler..
- The ‘useless one testicled cunt award' for talking too much during the All Blacks game goes to Adi
- The ‘great big baby going to bed early’ award goes to the Seagull
- The ‘race relations conciliator’ award for no Maori’s allowed on our golf carts goes to Peter Tai
- The ‘show us on the teddy where he touched you’ goes to Raysan who was violated by Darcy in the bushes on 4th fairway
- The ‘felking’ award for penis enlargement goes to Darcy
- The ‘I’ve got a job on Friday’ award goes to Trev

Right bitches. Peter Tai is organising next years tourney.

The Precious strikes again, Adi clearly suffering from its effects...

2016-11-08T14:57:00.002-08:00

Adi takes the 2015 HIO!

2015-11-23T00:18:00.001-08:00

Along with peace in the middle east, a cure for the common cold and anyone ever beating Darcy's 13 stabie round of shite, the thought of Adi winning a tourny was deemed unlikely in extremis.

Nek minnit and what the fuck, after 13 years of trying and a few runners up results, Adi got the job done.

Ben organised a great combo of accommodation and golf. Pukehina beautiful.

Honours list.

Most shabby body language hungover capitulation - Ant
Most seagull like behaviour - Spid
Most likely to be last to bed with Scabies - Ben
Most divergent score comoared to handicap - Scott
Most likely to raise Scotts blood pressure - Adi..

Well done again to Ben.

The Seagull takes the Precious with the ease of a rancid pie wrapper.....!!

2014-11-13T16:12:00.000-08:00

Spid, aka the Seagull, swooped on this years tourney like a mighty golfing scavenger picking up Stabies with ease and leaving the rest of the field to fight over the scraps.

The Seagull smashed up a 39 Stabie result at Royal Tokoroa before backing up at Rotorua with a 38 pointer. No contest with Marty 2nd and Adi 3rd.

Big points, but fuck all Stabies for Ben and his organisation of the best accommodation ever enjoyed at a Hole in One. Black house on the point proving a masterful choice and just perfect for this most august of occasions.

Full marks to everyone for completely ignoring the instructions Ben sent out on how to find the accommodation.

The Honour roll:

Champion Golfer: The Seagull.
Most unpredictable golfer: Simon, 24 Stabies, then 38 Stabies then 23.........
Biggest snorer: Smith’s snoring campaign was flawless although Grant posted a late challenge, must be an Ohope thing.
Most violent participant: Marty channelling Ali on Adi for leaning too close to him, sensitive wee soul..
Most confused entrants: Bob and Trev. Its a 3 round tourney boys, no one ever won playing 1 round, just saying
Best Cook: Grant, cheers mate, aced it.
Most consistently drunk: Adi.
Best kapa haka performance: Adi tui teka

Fantastic result, looking forward to returning to the Black House and Vegas for a repeat.

Marty takes the 2013 Hole in One!

2013-11-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

Marty turns in one of his most controversial performances both on and off the field to take the 2013 Hole in One. Where to start. The beginning. Firstly he needed to sort his handicap out. He played enough shit golf to get to a 23 and he was ready. Marty did his research (or Nicki did if for him....). He needed to find a course close to the Tron that was designed by a left-handed golf course designer to provide left-handers with a comfortable stabie gathering experience. He found it. Waikare or Royal Te Kauwhata as the locals call it. Needless to say he cleaned up the Stabies and the rest of history. Lochiel was tough for everyone, mainly thanks to the hangovers everyone was sporting. Saint Andrews, the bunkered wonder of the Tron finished most of the field off as Marty cantered home to take the tourney.

Highlights and lowlights.

- Steve Keane's hospitality was much appreciated
- Dinner at Chim Choo Ree was outstanding
- The weather was fantastic
- Marty and Smith getting in at 5.15am (we bow to your stamina boys.... or was that your insanity..)
- Simon hauling in 20 Stabies at Waikare, impressive
- General swearing levels, according to the HIO Swearometer we had a 15% increase in the use of Fuck and a whopping 25% increase in the use of Cunt compared to the 2012 HIO...
- Marty's scoring system (apparently there was one...)
- Marty's Sunday morning belligerence (go to bed earlier grumpy..)
- Darcy's flatulence (if he didn't at least Shat his pants on Sunday it would be a miracle..)
- Scott turned in his least controversial participation in the history of tournament golf, welcome back
- Grant, Mark and Steve, welcome to the Hole in One boys.
- Ben and Darcy (aka Ernie and Bert)
- John Key jokes...
- Trev and Sickman on the pool table

All in all another great weekend of golfing madness.

Thanks and congratulations to Marty!

NB: Ben Pegler to organise the 2014 Hole in One

Since winning the Precious Trev has stopped getting haircuts..

2013-11-18T18:44:00.002-08:00

The Precious has struck again boys. Trev's not been the same since he made off with the greatest prize in golf. Who knows where he'll end up if he backs up his win from last year...

Marty promising a feast of golfing in the Tron for the 2013 Hole in One!

2013-11-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

Tired of ocean breezes and sunny days and still protesting at being woken up 'too' early at the 2012 anniversary Hole in One at Matarangi, Marty is taking the boys to the Tron for this fiesta of feral golf.

Kicking off on the 22nd of November at Royal Te Kauwhata (aka Waikare GC)
Saturday the 23rd at Lochiel (including their Xmas Golf Tourney)
Finally to Saint Andrews for the decider.

Friday evening will be being hosted at Stephen Keane's home at 26 Gambia Grove Flagstaff, Hamilton. Use your GPS or bring an aborigine because you will not find the place otherwise..

Saturday we are out for dinner at one of the Trons finest restaurant.

Please remember to bring your passports, preferably an armed guard or at very least a weapon of your choice.

Scratchings this year include

Conrad - still boycotting after the Terrace Downs incident
Shaun - failed to gain clearance from his management
Ant - appears to have commitment issues..

See you on Friday bitches!

Trev takes the anniversary Hole in One!!

2012-11-18T16:07:00.001-08:00

Trev has taken the 10th anniversary Hole in One. The new format of best 2 rounds providing an interesting last day as the field tried to rein in Auckland's most affluent unemployed banker!

A fantastic weekend of excessive drinking and swearing combined with first class accommodation proving once more that Matarangi is without doubt the most complete golfing weekend destination in the game.

The wall of shame.

Darcy '2vag' Pye (anything that came out of his mouth) including, but not limited to....

- The Spiderman manoeuvre....
- The rabbit cut...
- The rusty trombone...
- The Amsterdam mushroom incident..
- The spiked drink 4some...

You get the picture...

Dildo Baggins collapsing on the fairway on the 3rd hole as a mystery ailment prevented him from taking any further part in the 3rd round....

Marty for getting out of bed on the wrong side of the bed on Saturday morning.... who needs sleep anyway Marty!

Shaun taking a points decision from the Seagull during the annual wrestle mania...

Simon for great organisation, eating red meat, pretending to indulge whilst watching the boys all descend into a mire of alcohol and substance fueled insanity...

Well done everyone, a great weekend of golfing madness!

Trev to organise the 2013 Hole in One at Matarangi.

Field confirmed for 10th anniversary HIO

2012-11-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

Simon
Spid
Smith
Marty
Adi
Trev
Darcy
Shaun
Stephen

are going to be slugging it out for the Precious. Controversially the tournament will allow players to drop 1 of their 3 rounds for the purposes of scoring. This could change things dramatically and it is my prediction that Spid will take the tourney as the most consistent golfer based on handicap.

Darcy is apparently entering this years tourney on a 29.9 which could be a record.
Shaun has no official handicap so will be on an 18 as is customary????
Plenty of new weapons at this years tourney with at least 4 players wielding a new driver since last year.

Smith was recently photographed and clearly the Precious is doing to him what it did to Scott......

The 10th Anniversary of the Hole in One is upon us!

2012-07-08T21:32:00.001-07:00

With a drumroll and much anticipation, Simon has announced a return to the spiritual homeland of the Hole in One for 2012, yes folks, we are returning to Matarangi. What is left of what resembled Smith since the Precious has consumed him over the past 20 months was mightily pleased at the news. Unbeaten at Matarangi one can only hope the Triple crown is denied the 3rd most controversial man in golf.

Rumours that Simon was going to apply a strictly enforced "No Wankers, Whiners, Whingers or Be-atchs" at this years Hole in One have been denied after the organiser apparently realised that this would in fact disqualify pretty well everyone who has ever participated in this fine tournie.

So who will win the 10th Anniversary extravanganza? Only time will tell.

Smith takes Hole in One in first ever sudden death playoff!

2011-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

Smith's campaign to retain the Precious has survived a strong challenge from the least controversial man ever to play in the Hole in One, Simon. All tied up after 54 holes, the boys took to the 7th at Matarangi to decide the matter. Clearly Simon's sphincter had suffered extreme levels of contraction prior to taking his tee-shot which he sent into the water off the tee... he finished with a 7 which was always going to be too much to hold off the only 'professional' golfer at the tournament.

The tourney was held in beautiful conditions kicking off at Lakes. Early controversy had seen Scott chip a ball into Spid's chin on the practice tee. Only the knowledge that Scott was incapable of doing something like that intentionally avoided a Trev/Scott like Pukekohe situation...

Darcy again took the prize for being so absolutely unfathomably shit at golf to only pull in 13 stabies at Matarangi on day one. Its going to be very tough for anyone with 2 arms and 2 legs to better this performance.

Wrestling made an appearance at the HIO for the first time ever. Darcy whilst shabby on the greens proved to be a compelling immovable object in the ring of wrestling fire taking out the heavyweight division. Matt proved to be too good in the middleweights and Shawn easily took home the lightweight division. Drunken wrestling in the dark may prove to be one of the stupidest initiatives ever launched at the Hole in One, but it was certainly entertaining!

Big thumbs up for Spid for organizing this years tourney. The Lakes/Matarangi combo is a good one and the accommodation at Matarangi is spot on! Well done brother. The Blue tees on day 3 were also perfect and really showed how good Matarangi can be.

To conclude, Smith first, Simon second, Adi & Spid tied for 3rd.

Bring on the 2012 tournament which will be the decade of HIO celebration. Simon to organize.

McWilliams potential scratching

2011-11-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

The current holder of 'the Open' has announced his HIO campaign could be in jeopardy due to throwing his back out whilst putting his clothes on. I'm not sure what fucking methodology he is using for dressing himself but clearly he's making a pretty simple task difficult.... rumors about Stevie and page 64 of the Illustrated Kama Sutra are probably more accurate to what actually happened to him.

6 Days and counting...

2011-11-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

With 6 days out we have the usual array of last minute sad excuses for scratchings. The usual reasons continue to surface, didn't know when the tournament was as I don't own a calendar... haven't been able to escape the prison of a relationship I call my life... have work.........

Step up and emancipate yourselves for f*cks sake!

In other news, Smith hits a net 66 at Whanga, clearly he is a dodgy handicap manipulating mofo who wants to keeps the Precious......

The Countdown begins.....

2011-10-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

Tension is building to fever pitch as we near the kickoff to the 2011 HIO! The form guide looks quite shabby for most entrants which suggests that a lot of dodgy cards are being handed in, or the more likely explanation is that you're all playing shite golf. I know I am.

The Seagull is refusing to confirm what rules we will be playing under, what format, stabies, stroke play, binkie bonkie bullshit.... he's also refusing to answer questions on what the accommodation situation will be.

IN - Spid, Adi, Darcy, Trev, Martin, Simon, Smith, Scott, Shawn, Matt, Ben, Ant, Stephen, Campbell, Shane

OUT - Conrad, Pete

MAYBE - Chris Hocquard

Rumours are that Marty's Fonterra cheque was so big he has had his gold clubs gold plated at the same place Gaddafi used to get his pistols done....

Rumour also that Smith is spending the week before the tournie at Whangamata and will be playing Lakes in a concerted campaign to get himself ready.. controversial.

16, a very magic number!

2011-08-26T21:28:00.001-07:00

The number 16 is clearly a very special number for most of you as it reminds you of the age you were when you lost your virginity (probably to a strange male in a public toilet, but thats ok boys....). It is also a very special number in 2011 as this is the number of contestants that have put their hand up to attend this years tournament, the biggest field ever.