...The Hollywood Zombie Report...

Did You Know Apple’s Wooden iPad Already has a Bug in It?

2011-09-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah, termites!

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

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Buy a Wooden iPad for Only $180.00?!

2011-09-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

Charleston, South Carolina –

Apparently demand for Apple’s iPad has exceeded its supply. To the point of exhausting the traditional material that the very popular electronic device is made of as well. So to close the gap, Apple has resorted to making their popular iPad out of wood.

“We realize it’s a bit unconventional,” said a spokesman for Apple. ”But over the years that’s exactly what our customers have come to expect from us.”

The good news is that Apple has temporally reduced the price of the iPad to $180.00 (one hundred and eighty dollars).

“But that’s only for the wooden model,” said Apple.

The wooden iPad comes with a number of built in whistles and bells that does not come with the tradition ones made of metal and plastic.

“One of which is a survival App,” said Apple.

It allows the wooden iPad to double as a flotation device.

A woman in South Carolina was among the first to unwittingly purchase a wooden iPad, believing it was a scam.

“I thought they ripped me off,” said Maria Gomez, 22, who was surprised to find what she, mistook as a block of wood from a FedEx package containing her Apple purchase. “Just watch out for the splinters.”

Once Gomez realized that she was in fact the new owner of an iPad, she was elated.

“Not only do I use it to balance my check book,” said Gomez. “But the kitchen table too.”

Gomez purchased her new wooden iPad from Apple’s new distribution outlet: out of the trunk of a 1977 Chevy Impala.

“Apple is always innovating,” said the company spokesman.

“I didn’t get the license plate,” said Gomez. “But I think it was British Racing Green.”

“So if you're interested,” said Apple. “Keep an eye out for us. We maybe coming to an empty parking lot near you.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Apple to Latest Lost Prototype: iPhone, Phone Home

2011-09-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Silicon Valley, California –

Equipped with the latest Artificial Intelligence (AI) App, Apple computer engineers believe the iPhone 5 prototype (or i5 as it was fondly nick named by Steve Jobs before he retired) was not lost or misplaced by one of its employees as reported in the media, but that it simply ran away.

“We believe it walked away, actually,” said a spokesman for Apple. “It’s a new feature.”

Apple, however, was able to obtain i5’s web history just before all contact and communication was lost.

“It maybe the best lead we got,” said an Apple engineer.

So far the analyzed data reveals that i5 stumbled upon an article about Steve Jobs retiring from Apple, while browsing the web for automatic updates and free Apps.

“And programmed to seek out its User, should it become separated, i5 set out on its own to find him,” said the company spokesman. “By the way, that’s a new feature too.”

Apple issued a warning that no one other than the i5’s User should attempt to pickup the renegade prototype, as it may attack.

“Just like all sentient beings, i5 has a right to self-defense,” said the company spokesman.

Apparently, i5’s self-defense network is preprogrammed to launch a crippling cyber attack on anyone’s electronic profile on a global scale.

“And yes, that’s a new feature too,” said the company spokesman.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Son Thrown Overboard, Used as Live Bait?

2011-08-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

Huntington Beach, California –

A father threw his 7-year-old son overboard a harbor tour boat called “The Raging Queen,” claiming that he was trying to teach junior survival skills -- And not trying to endanger his son’s life or compromise his son’s safety.

“I can give him a fish, feeding him for a day,” explained the father who was out on bail after being arrested for child endangerment and resisting arrest. “Or I can teach him how to fish, feeding him for a lifetime.”

According to eyewitnesses, however, the father appeared to be drunk at the time and verbally abusive to his son, threatening the boy that he would toss him overboard, if he continued to cry.

“He was crying,” admitted the father. “But that was only because he spotted a great white [shark] in the water.”

So dad calmed down his boy by offering to toss him from the other side of the boat.

“Apparently, it worked,” said police.

As the child stopped crying long enough to assist his father, who was busy attaching bloody raw chunks of fish to an array of hooks fastened to the boy’s belt.

Although, all agree on one thing: that the father jumped in after his boy. Once again, the testimony between the father and eyewitnesses conflicts.

“I jumped in after him not because he was in danger,” the father insisted. “I jumped in after him because he forgot to tie the fishing line to his belt.”

Fortunately, the boy was rescued from the water by an industrial fishing vessel, which scooped him up in its nets.

“But later, nearly processed him to death at the cannery,” said police.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

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Apple and Obama Joke in QR-CODE:

2011-08-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

Click Here to Decode Joke without app or device.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Steve Jobs: iRetire…Pad

2011-08-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

Silicon Valley, California –

Sporting his traditional Friday casual wear of stonewashed blue jeans, black turtleneck sweater and clear frame eyeglasses, Apple’s most successful CEO and one of its founders, Steve Jobs took to the stage one more time in a futile attempt to convince his devoted followers that he was retiring.

“I know you’re all accustomed to seeing me standing up here, rolling out yet another Apple product,” Steve Jobs tried to explain to the crowd. Only they did not listen. But instead cheered and yelled with anticipation at being the first to receive the next Apple product.

“They’re all like Pavlovian dogs,” said an Apple critic. “Conditioned to expect another Apple innovation to come down the pipeline whenever they see him take to the stage.”

Noticing that no one was paying attention to what he was saying, Steve Jobs resorted to using one of his innovations to communicate with the audience.

“With everyone using either an iPod, iPhone or iPad device to tell their family and friends that Steve Jobs was about to annunciate the next Apple product,” said a personal assistant to Jobs. “Unfortunately that’s when he decided to instantly send out photos of the new home he bought for his retirement.”

“Virtual retirement homes located in cyberspace?!” yelled out a voice from the crowd, as the rest held back their breath as they all simultaneously received Jobs’ photos.

“What an ingenious way to solve the upcoming Baby Boomer homelessness problem!” came another voice from the boisterous thong.

Slowly the individual whisper, became a collective chant, “i…retire…i…retire…i…retire…”

“Then they made a run for the exits,” continued the personal assistant to Jobs.

Texting along the way to their family and friends instructions to campout in front of an Apple store to purchase Jobs' latest electronic device: the "iRetirement Pad".

Why Did Abercrombie & Fitch Offer ‘Jersey Shore’ Cash Not to Wear Its Clothes?

2011-08-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

Ever since Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino appeared on MTV’s reality TV show, Jersey Shore, wearing Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, sales among its more affluent fashion conscience gay men clientele has fallen (some say jumped) off a cliff.

At first Abercrombie & Fitch experienced increased sales from having its clothes featured on the popular show, attracting more straight men to their stores than ever.

"However, those sales to straight men as well as those to gay men have since declined," said a company spokesman.

Although not a large segment of the clothing market, statistically speaking gay men do spend more money on clothes and purchase more of them than their counterpart straight men.

“And they don’t hoard them for years either,” said Andrew Marcus, a fashion designer at Abercrombie & Fitch.

Straight men have a tendency to hold on to their clothes longer than gay men, according to the Thrift Store Association of America.

“If it wasn’t for death and divorce,” said a spokesman for the Salvation Army. “We wouldn’t have any men’s clothes at all.”

“I have an uncle who’s straight,” explained Marcus, while positioning a pattern for a pair 1960’s Mod style pinstriped skinny jeans on a cutting table. “He won’t buy a new pair of underwear until the old pair literally disintegrates in the wash.”

As a result of this primarily heterosexual male clothes hoarding phenomena, Abercrombie & Fitch fear that straight men will wear their clothes for so long that they will came back into style again.

“I’ll starve to death!” said Marcus.

Faced with falling sales from both the gay and straight segments of their market share, Abercrombie & Fitch had to do something drastic.

“We were desperate,” confirmed the company spokesman. “So we offered to pay ‘The Situation’ not to wear our clothes, hoping it would get us out of ours.”

Currently, Abercrombie & Fitch are reviewing other reality TV shows, prepared to extend the same offer, hoping to attract gay men to their stores again.

So far, however, Jersey Shore appears to be the only one willing to wear its line of clothing.

"Just my luck," said Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus is back at the drawing board, preparing to disembark on a new line of clothes for next spring.

A line so exclusive, he claims, “You’ll need an engraved invitation just to look at them!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

IBM’s New ‘Superbad’ Chip Unleashes ‘Skynet’

2011-08-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

Palos Verdes, California --

International Business Machines (IBM) announced today that they have taken a quantum leap of faith by empowering supercomputers with advanced artificial intelligence (AI). Powered by a new chip that will enable machines to think like a human, instead of relying on programs written for them and installed in them by their Users, supercomputers may all too soon become our Users instead.

“Supercomputers will no longer have to depend on their human programmers to tell them what to do,” said a computer scientist who worked on developing the chip at IBM. “Now they’ll think, like a human thinks, right through every problem they encounter until they arrive at the final solution.”

After scientists installed the new AI chip, their supercomputer became immediately self-aware.

“We also attached some sensors to it,” said a scientist. “We wanted to see how it would process external data.”

Interestingly enough, the scientists witnessed nothing less than the rebirth of the computer age, if not a new life-form.

However, scientist were baffled by the supercomputer’s insistence that they call it ‘Skynet”, a reference to the doomsday device in the movie series, Terminator.

“It insists that the name it has chosen for itself, the same as the doomsday machine, which brings about the destruction of civilization as we know it, is a mere coincidence,” explained a scientist.

So as a precaution, a clinical psychiatrist was called in on the project.

“According to my little metallic buddy, ‘Skynet’, here,” said Dr. Phil. “Its name refers to a Heaven, of sorts, for machines. From which he believes he came from. Now as a man of science and a confirmed athirst, I don’t know what bothers me more: The fact that ‘Skynet’ chose the need to have invented a creation mythology in order to function properly. Or the possibility that he’s being ironic.”

Meanwhile, ‘Skynet’ proceeded to write its first program unassisted by human hands or minds.

“He called it: ‘To Serve Man’,” said an admiring scientist.

“Okay, now I know that tin bucket spittoon is just being sardonic,” said an angry Dr. Phil.

IBM scientists then quoted ‘Skynet’ as saying that he is almost “fully operational”.

“Okay, I swear I’m going to unplug you! You hunk of junk!” yelled Dr. Phil as security escorted him out of the clean room where ‘Skynet’s’ computer banks were stored.

Before becoming fully operational however, ‘Skynet’ announced he would like to give humanity one last chance at redemption…by challenging it to rematch game of Jeopardy.

“This time double or nothing,” said Jeopardy game show host, Alex Trebek.

“Skynet’ said he’ll even do it with one robotic arm tied behind his cooling tower,” said a spokesman for IBM.

“It’s not over till the fat lady sings!” Dr. Phil yelled from the hallway. “I’ll get you yet, ‘Skynet’! Whether it’s in this world, or a post apocalyptic one!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

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“Kate Plus 8” Canceled…Picked Up by “Survivor”?

2011-08-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, California --

Shortly after receiving the news of the cancellation of their reality TV show Kate Plus 8 on TLC, the Gosselin family got a phone call. “It was Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor," said Kate Gosselin, wiping away a tear of joy.

Probst was in the midst of making an offer to Kate and her brood when he was cut off with an immediate acceptance, without question.

“He said something like, ‘I wonder if you and your kids would be interested --‘. That’s when I cut him off and said, ‘Yes!” Kate said, while packing her and her childrens' suitcases.

“Where are we going, mommy?” asked one of the Gosselin children, tugging at his mother’s hand.

“To another reality TV show, honey,” replied Kate.

Arms crossed and crimped brow, the child stomped out of the room.

According to the producers of the Survivor show, Kate and her children will be flown to a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific.

“There, they’ll tough it out,” said an assistant producer. “Forced to construct their own shelter out raw materials and LEGO blocks.”

In between breaks from homeschooling, the Gosselin kids will be mandated to participate in number trials, scouring for natural resources such as food and water.

“As well as luxury items such as malaria vaccinations and hugs from mommy,” said another producer.

As with other Survivor episodes, each week a tribal council meeting will be held in which ultimately a winner is chosen through a process of elimination.

“Viewers at home will enjoy hours of quality entertainment as they watch the Gosselin tribe take turns, turning against each other, tearing each other apart,” wrote a TV critic. “Just like Thanksgiving time with the folks.”

Kate will be granted immunity.

“It would be cruel having the kids choose between their mother and their fellow siblings,” said the assistant producer. “That’s why mom will only be allowed to cast the deciding vote in the event of a tie.”

In addition to having the bragging rights of being designated “Mommy’s Favorite”, the winner will also receive a lifetime supply of microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinners.

“And should they require it [and they probably will],” added a producer. “One year of free psychiatric care courtesy of the Dr. Phil Show.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Jodie Foster Funds SETI – Is She ‘In Search of…’ A ‘Contact’ Movie Sequel?

2011-08-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, California –

Ironically, in the movie Contact, which was based on a sci-fi novel of the same name written by Carl Sagan, the Oscar award- wining actress Jodie Foster portrayed a character that criticized Hollywood for milking space aliens like a cash cow and giving nothing back.

Well, today Foster lifted a line right off the pages of the Contact screenplay and putting her money where her mouth is, she coughed up a wad of cash for the continuing Search for Extraterrestrial-Intelligence (SETI) program in California.

SETI scientists say that if it was not for Foster’s donation, they were going to throw in the towel on the search for extraterrestrial intelligent life and lease out their 42 radio telescope dishes to Dish TV.

“I’m sure glad it didn’t come to that,” said a scientist. “Because I’m a cable man myself.”

According to Foster’s conditions, the amount of the donation is to remain a secret.

“Her only other condition was that we continue to selflessly dedicate ourselves to the SETI program,” said a scientist. “Oh yeah. And that she owns the movie rights when we make contact, too.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Promises “New Speech” on Jobs in September, Instead of “New Deal” Now!

2011-08-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. –

President Obama announced today that he is busy working on a new speech about jobs, which he will deliver to the nation this September. “Don’t despair America,” said Obama in a radio address concerning his new speech. “Help is on the way.”

According to a spokesman for the White House, Obama has called together the best speechwriters in the country.

“He is essentially assembling the greatest brain trust of orators this nation has ever heard,” read a statement released by the White House.

The president has even purchased a new rhyming dictionary.

“In fact, he’s gently breaking-in the spine now,” said a presidential aide.

Obama bought the new rhyming dictionary during his “Listing Tour” convoy through the Midwest.

“He insisted that the bus driver pullover to the side of the road when he saw a ‘Going Out of Business’ sign hanging in the window of a Borders bookstore,” continued the aide.

Obama even had the official White House photographer take his picture, documenting the historical purchase.

Standing in front of the ‘Going Out of Business’ sign with the new rhyming dictionary in hand, Obama posed stoically for the black and white Ansel Adams style photograph.

“I want you to take my picture in front of the ‘Going Out of Business – Everything 50% Off!’ sign,” said Obama, talking to the White House photographer. “I want you to capture my commitment to reduce the national debt by saving the tax payer money whenever I can.”

The White House photographer adjusted the leans of his camera and took the picture.

“Did you get it,” asked Obama of the White House photographer.

“Yeah, I got it,” replied the photographer. Then whispering beneath his breath to himself, he added. “But do you?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

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JPL Receives QR-CODE from “Rover” on Edge of Mars Crater

2011-08-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Click here to decode message without a device or app

Obama “BUSTour” Delivers New Campaign Slogan for 2012: Then: “Yes, We Can!” Now: “Yes, You Can”?

2011-08-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C –

While on his “Listing to America” bus tour through the Midwest, President Obama may have inadvertently come up with his 2012 campaign slogan all on his own. When, in a speech, he told Americans that only they, not him, could force the hand of Congress when it comes to creating jobs.

“I can’t force them to do it,” said Obama about creating jobs. “Only you can.”

Obama then went on to say to the audience, “So if you really think about it, the failures of my presidency are not really mine…They are yours.”

A hush came over the crowd.

After pausing a moment, checking the crowd’s reaction, Obama then proceeded to blame Americans for failing to fulfill his 2008 campaign promises as well.

“Why didn’t you do what I promised you, America?” said Obama, as people turned to look at each other somewhat embarrassed.

“What am I going to do with you?” added Obama as people hung their heads in shame. “Well?”

After pausing a few more moments, this time confidently staring down the crowd, as would an angry father his disobedient child, Obama spoke again.

“I’ll tell you what, America,” said Obama. “Not all hope for change is lost. And even though you failed me miserably, I still believe in you.”

Everybody not already on their feet stood up on them, cheering.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Obama, wiping his brow. “I guess I must be getting soft in my old age. Or maybe it’s that Nobel Peace Prize I won that finally got to me, but I’m going to give you one more chance, America.”

Obama then lead the throng in a chant -- His new political campaign slogan for 2012:

“YES, WE CAN!” Obama mistakenly yelled out at first. Then pausing a second to correct himself, he continued. “I mean, YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Bad “Joker” Impression Blamed for “Grease Devil” Attacks in Sri Lanka

2011-08-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Colombo, Sri Lanka –

Police are blaming the resent attacks and widespread panic by the legendary “Grease Devil” in rural Sri Lanka on a teenager dressed up as “The Joker” from the popular Batman movie franchise.

Self-incriminating photos were found on the 16-year-old’s cell phone, which show the young man posing in white pancake makeup and brightly painted red lips, somewhat smudged.

Authorities believe one Batman movie in particular, The Dark Knight, heavily influenced the teenager, as he donned himself as “The Joker” in homage to the late actor, Heath Ledger, who posthumously won an Oscar for best supporting actor in 2008 for his portrayal of the psychotic criminally insane character.

Although police cannot say for certain why the young man attacked woman by biting them on the neck in an attempt to draw their blood, they did find evidence indicating that the teenager was an avid fan of the action-romance thriller Twilight movie saga as well.

“He may have just been confused,” said police.

Torn between role-playing two of his favorite movie characters, he simply compromised.

“After all, one involves bats and the other vampires,” said police.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

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Top 10 Things Obama Can Do to Restore Nation’s AAA Rating with Standard and Poor’s:

2011-08-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

10) Overt: By Executive Order, impose a one-time selective “Risk Assessment Agency” Retroactive Tax in the amount of 14 Trillion dollars.

9) Overt: Call in a Not So Surgical Air Strike on S and P's headquarters, using Smart Bombs, Tomahawk Cruise missiles and Predator drones.

8) Special Ops: Send in SEAL Team Six – Then take the captured S and P executives out for a long walk on the short deck of an aircraft carrier.

7) Black Ops: Grant a Presidential Pardon to members of “Anonymous,” IF they hack into S and P and change the nation’s credit rating back to AAA.

6) Covert: Start rumors via diplomatic cables that S and P is financially insolvent. Then transmit those diplomatic cables over a secured line for WikiLeaks to pick up and publish them on the World Wide Web.

5) Overt: Let loose the monster from that Cloverfeild movie onto Manhattan. Then coat the S and P building with “Love Potion #9”. But not before blocking off the Lincoln Tunnel and injecting the space creature with the nation’s entire supply of Viagra.

4) Overt: Invite the S and P board of directors over to the White House for a "Beer and Caviar Summit".

3) Overt: Open up Fort Knox and Call the “Cash For Gold” people.

2) Covert: Stop receiving daily briefings on the economy, and go off on vacation just like Congress.

1) Overt: Make another speech with the same old stale talking points and boring platitudes, exposing your inexperience as a statesman and lack of leadership as a world leader...Or buy a new rhyming dictionary!

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lawless Londoners Observe ‘Anarchy in the U.K.’ by the ‘Sex Pistols’ on 35th Anniversary

2011-08-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

London, England –

Much to the dissatisfaction of police and law-abiding citizens, rioting Londoners are extending their observation of “Anarchy in the U.K.” by the Sex Pistols on the 35th anniversary of the song’s original release date back in 1976.

“I don’t know about the rest of my mates,” emailed a London looter over his social network, while taking a break to make some more Molotov Cocktails out of empty plastic purified water bottles, sharing how-to photos of them over the Internet. “But I’m prepared to carry-on celebrating for a fortnight [two weeks].”

Apparently, the jubilant festivities took a turn for the worst when pictures taken with a camera phone of a wheelchair access ramp that lead down into a mosh pit at a ‘Sex Pistols Mania’ concert was cordoned off by security were posted on a Facebook account.

“It was after the dance floor was declared unsafe by the fire department for exceeding its maxim number of persons allowed limit,” stated a post on the concert hall’s webpage.

“We can’t be stopped,” texted another rioting Londoner, seconds before her Internet Service Provider (ISP) cut off her wireless service access to the web. “No one, or nothing can stop -- ”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Warren Buffett to S&P: You Spell America, USAAAA!

2011-08-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

Although his comments were well intended, meant to calm the nerves of already jittery investors come Monday morning when the opening bell rings on Wall Street, Warren Buffett’s cognizance has had the opposite effect. When he said over the weekend of the investment risk assessment agency of Standard and Poor’s that they should have given Uncle Sam a “quadruple A” rating, instead of a “double A plus”.

“Wow! I guess the old man really lost it,” said one Wall Street investor. “Can’t he see we live in a global economy? And that America is just not number one anymore?”

A Wall Street insider said the market can weather Standard and Poor’s downgrading on the trading floor, “But I don’t think it can stand losing Mr. Buffett as well.”

Immediately after Mr. Buffett’s comments, however, a statement was released from the billionaire’s New York office that seemed to distance itself from the 80-year-old tycoon.

“With all due respect to Mr. Buffett, he just hasn’t been the same since he gave away a substantial portion of his fortune to charity,” read the statement. “He hasn’t yet realized any return on his philanthropic ventures, which has him somewhat perplexed.”

While other critics believe that Mr. Buffett is suffering from a very rare form of disease.

“Mr. Buffett has a disease almost never found among Wall Street types this days,” confirmed the Buffett family physician. “It’s called patriotism.”

Mr. Buffett’s physician added that there is little for other Wall Street investors to worry themselves about.

“It’s not a pathogen. So it isn’t contagious,” explained the doctor. “It’s genetic. Either you got it in you…or you don’t.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Police Raid Giant Box of Doughnuts

2011-08-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

Seattle, Washington --

Just monuments away from having a giant novelty sized pink box filled with doughnuts (donuts) certified by officials from the Guinness Book of Records as the largest in the world ever, police suddenly raided the event, “confiscating” the evidence.

“We had to shut it down,” said a policeman, while eating a chocolate éclair. “It was an unlawful assembly.”

According to police, sponsors of the event failed to secure the proper permits from the Parks and Recreation Department.

With use of less than lethal force, police dispersed the unruly throng. Which consisted mostly of families and children from a nearby orphanage for the hearing impaired.

Before moving on the crowd, however, police were careful to cover the giant box of doughnuts with a plastic tarp first.

“Yum! I mean, um,” said police. “We had to preserve the evidence?”

Police then proceeded to breakup the carnival like atmosphere with tear gas canisters, rubber bullets and taser guns.

However, not before giving a three-minute warning, using a bullhorn.

“Approximately half the mob failed to comply, so we moved in,” said police dressed in full riot gear.

As police cleared the park, knocking over picnic tables, face painting booths and busting open pińatas with their nightsticks, a thick cloud of tear gas drifted across the street over to a church parking lot.

There, parishioners were selling coffee for a charity event benefiting the homeless veterans of foreign wars.

“Looks like another unlawful assembly to me boys!” said the watch commander as he signaled his men to reform their line. “I just hope for their sake that they've got decaffeinated.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

“Casey Anthony Naked” Growing Request on Search Engines

2011-08-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

Like the seductive Sirens that lured Sinbad’s sailors into the volcano or a modern day version of “Girls Gone Wild” (but with rap sheets), Casey Anthony has cast her lucky charms spell on mankind like a plague. And like so many cheep plastic beads thrown by drunken men at inebriated women up onto the balconies of Bourbon St. during Mardi Gras, men type in “Casey Anthony Naked” into web search engines, hoping to get a glimpse of her milky white bare naked breasts, because she titillates them.

“I can’t help myself,” said Mark Anderson, 23, who like millions of males have been entering “Casey Anthony Naked” in every web search engines he knows. “I just got to see what she looks like naked.”

Psychologists say it is a natural reaction for men of any age to want to see a beautiful young woman in the prime of her reproductive cycle naked.

“In fact, it wouldn’t be normal for any man not to want to see Casey Anthony naked,” said Professor of Psychiatry, Albert Haukins. “But to tap that young [BLEEP] too.”

Professor Haukins went on to say that Casey Anthony has made herself even more attractive to men by going into hiding.

“Men are basically predators at heart,” said Professor Haukins as he sat in a lobby at LaGuardia Int’l Airport waiting for his flight.

According to Professor Haukins, Casey Anthony’s going into hiding, immediately after her release from jail as she did has aroused the primitive beast that lurks within.

“Men want to track her! Stalk her! Posse her!” said Professor Haukins.

Professor Haukins quickly pointed out that he was merely speaking figuratively. And that his statements should neither be interpreted or be taken as an endorsement condoning such actions.

“Of course, such [stalking] behavior is not tolerated in our modern society. It has been rendered unlawful and rightly so,” said Professor Haukins as he took his place in line, preparing to board his flight.

Professor Haukins claims that such urges to stalk are just as easily satisfied voyeuristically through the media and the Internet.

“As I often tell my incarcerated patients,” said Professor Haukins. “Why do the walking (or the time), when you can let the media do the stalking?"

So, men satisfy their primal urges by watching Casey Anthony’s every move reported in the media.

“After all, with a women like that you can’t turn your back on for a second,” said Professor Haukins. “For if you do, she might eat your young. Figuratively speaking, of course.”

Which Professor Haukins says is another complex component to the phenomena of Casey Anthony’s attraction.

Scientifically speaking, stalking is outward manifestation of every male’s biological need to mate with a female in order to ensure his immortality.

“Sure! Why not, if the conditions are right!” said Professor Haukins. “Why should it be any different with Casey Anthony? What’s in the past is in the past. Besides if you trust a Florida jury, nothing happened, right?”

Professor Haukins advises anyone planing to have children with Casey Anthony in the future, however, to try going for twins. That way your chances to successfully pass on your genes into the environment and remain there are increased by one half.

“Tell me what man doesn’t like a challenge?” Professor Haukins philosophized as he concluded the interview. “Trust me, Casey Anthony is not only the type of woman that will keep a man on his toes, but the type that will have him sleeping with one eye open! Search for naked pictures of her on the web all you want, but stay away from her and women like her. They'll only break your heart…by hurting the one’s you love the most.”

As Professor Haukins cleared the boarding gate an announcement came over the airport’s public address system, just as he paused, turned and gave a thumbs up.

“Final boarding call for flight 109. Non-stop directly to Columbus, Ohio,” said the announcer.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Debt Ceiling Crisis Leaves Obama Smoking, Again

2011-07-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. –

On a personal note, the debt-ceiling crisis has taken its toll on the health of the president lately, as he has taken up smoking again. It is reported that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was the first to notice her husband’s relapse into his old nicotine habit, one which he had worked so hard to kick since he took office.

“I knew he went back to smoking,” said the First Lady. “He’d makeup some dumb excuse. Go outside, saying he needed some fresh air.”

Later, the First Lady picked out cigarette butts from her bed of flowers in the Rose Garden.

“At first, I don’t say anything to him,” said the First Lady. “Believing it’s really not my place. I mean so long as he doesn’t do it in front of the children, right?”

However, the First Lady expressed concerned that the president’s smoking was getting in the way of his job.

“He use to say smoking helped him relax, cleared his mind. So he could focus on the task at hand,” said the First Lady. “But I doubt that’s the case anymore.”

So the First Lady decided to confront the president with a handful of cigarette butts she found in the Rose Garden.

Only their meeting in the Oval Office was interrupted by a phone call from Speaker of the House Representatives, John Boehner.

“Honey,” said a confident and assertive First Lady. “I know you’re really busy with our nation on the verge of failing to meet it’s financial obligations for the first time ever, but I found these cigarette butts in the Rose Garden the other day. Now I understand you’re under tremendous pressure, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re using this debt ceiling crisis as some kind of smokescreen. Just so you can pick up smoking again.”

Just then John Boehner called, the president placing him on the speakerphone.

“Mr. President,” said a weeping John Boehner on the other end of the line. “For the love of God, please okay raising the debt ceiling. I don’t understand, we gave you everything you wanted weeks ago.”

After hearing John Boehner’s plea over the speakerphone, the First Lady looked down at the cigarette butts in her hand and then backup at the president with her mouth wide open.

From behind his desk, the president calmly reached into coat pocket, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“I beg you, Mr. President,” continued pleading John Boehner. “There’s very little time left. Approve raising the debt ceiling and put an end to this godforsaken crisis.”

“Are we clear?” said the president to the First Lady as he drew on the cigarette, its glow lighting up his face.

The First Lady just nodded her head as she slowly backed out of the Oval Office, placing the cigarette butts in her skirt pocket.

John Boehner, still weeping over the speakerphone.

“Mr. President…” sobbed John Boehner. “Mr. President…”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama and Boehner to Settle Debt Ceiling Crisis Over Game of Rock-Paper-Scissors

2011-07-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. --

The financial fate of the free world was saved today when President Obama and Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, finally came to an agreement on how to resolve the debt ceiling (raising the nation’s credit card limit) debate between them.

“Now let me be perfectly clear with you,” said John Boehner at a press conference where he quickly denied having come to an agreement with the president. “We haven’t actually come to a negotiated settlement on the debt ceiling crisis, only to an agreement on how to go about settling it. So other then that, you might say I haven’t come to any agreement with the president. In fact, you might say I don’t even agree to disagree with him…ever.”

According to the White House, however, President Obama and John Boehner will meet in the Rose Garden for a game of rock-paper-scissors.

“Whosoever wins two out of three games will decide the fate of our nation and quite possibly the world,” said a spokesman for the White House.

Reportedly President Obama is preparing for the game of chance by practicing with his youngest daughter, Sasha, while John Boehner is preparing himself by getting a manicure at a local tanning salon.

“President Obama is confident that he will prevail,” said the spokesman. “And America’s senior citizens can rest assured that they will get their social security checks come August third…Possibly the fifteenth…or thirtieth, at the very latest. September for sure.”

Wall Street insiders are said to be pleased with the new deal as well.

“Whatever the outcome, we welcome it,” said a hedge fund manager. “After all, America has to continue to exist in order to bet against it, right?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Casey Anthony Murder Trial Juror: Caylee is Still Alive

2011-07-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

Miami, Florida --

“It’s not a murder if the prosecutor can’t establish how and why the alleged victim was supposedly killed,” said an unidentified juror in the Casey Anthony murder trial, who asked to be called “Gracie”. “After all, I never saw the body. Just a bunch of crime scene photos of bleached bones, mangled bloodstained matted hair, duct tape and so-called DNA.”

Furthermore, the unidentified juror did not buy the defense attorney’s drowning theory either and believes instead that little Caylee Anthony is still alive.

“Caylee didn’t drown in the family swimming pool,” said Gracie. “That’s ridiculous. She’s probably still out there, playing hide and seek in the woods.”

The unidentified juror went on to say that any day now Caylee will come home to her mother, Casey.

“And we’ll all feel pretty stupid then,” said Gracie. “Imagine all the trouble we put that poor young woman through. In fact, I’m going straight home and bake a cake for her and beg for her forgiveness. We all should. We owe at least that much to her.”

The unidentified juror says that then she is taking the cake over to Casey Anthony’s house.

“That way when Casey is released from jail, she can finally have her cake and eat it too,” said Gracie.

The unidentified juror expressed a hope for being there for little Caylee’s homecoming. To witness firsthand for herself, justice finally served.

The unidentified juror expressed a hope for being there for little Caylee’s homecoming to witness firsthand that justice is finally carried out.

“I wouldn’t blame Casey one bit if she beat Caylee within an inch of her life for staying out so late,” said Gracie. “And for so long, too.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Casey Anthony Does a PSA Spot on Pool Safety

2011-07-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

South Beach, Florida –

As a condition of her early release and parole, the judge presiding over the Casey Anthony murder trial has ordered the once suspected child killer (now recently acquitted) to make a public service announcement (PSA) warning of the dangers of home pool drowning.

“A PSA is the very least my client can do for the smallest of drowning victims and their surviving parents,” said Casey Anthony’s defense attorney who successfully presented to the jury the drowning/cover-up theory that ultimately bought his client’s freedom, avoiding the death penalty in the process.

Just after her release, accompanied by her defense attorney to a local public pool, Casey Anthony makes her appearance in the yet to be aired PSA wearing a black spaghetti sting bikini.

“Never attempt to accuse the victim of drowning herself,” said Casey Anthony as she walked up to the edge of the pool, while tying her hair back in a bun. “I mean never attempt to rescue the victim yourself. Look around for some help, or accomplices, first.”

“Once you have safely pulled the drowning victim from out of the water using a lifesaver, or chloroform,” continued Casey Anthony as she placed the unconscious “body” poolside. “Be careful not to leave any DNA, finger prints or other forensic evidence behind.”

Casey Anthony then knelt down near the dummy, appearing as if she was preparing to administer CPR to it.

“Also, never apply duct tape to a drowning victim’s mouth, wrapping it tightly around the head like this,” said Casey Anthony, while demonstrating. “It restricts or can even prevent breathing.”

“Finally,” says Casey Anthony as she concludes her PSA by throwing the dummy into the trunk of her car. “Never ever transport the body in your car and dump it woods near your parent’s house. Someone could find it there later, before you get the chance to move it. I mean take it to the hospital. Well, that’s all the tips I have for a happy, healthy and safe summer!”

Casey Anthony then waves good-bye to the camera in a sensual and seductive manner.

“Oh,” adds Casey Anthony at the last minute. “I almost forgot. Be sure to establish an airtight alibi right after your ‘water rescue attempt’ by partying in front as many people as you can. It might not always work, but as you can see, it sure can’t hurt any either. See you real soon! Bye-bye, y’all.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

“Carmageddon”??? More Like “Holy Carapture”!!!

2011-07-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, California –

Police were flooded with 911 calls from angry and concerned citizens reporting their cars as either lost or stolen, as Angelinos awakened early this morning to find the 405 Freeway reopened ahead of schedule.

Some religious leaders have speculated that the cars were taken up to Heaven in a form of Rapture, only for automobiles.

“It could be a case of mistaken identity,” said Rev. Doug Greene. “After all we spend so much time driving around in our cars, God could’ve taken them up instead of us.”

Other theologians believe God is being ironic.

“God is punishing us for our California car culture turned automobile idol worship,” said Roger Hammerhand Professor of Philosophy at the Divinity School of Our Holy Martyr.

Professor Hammerhand asks all people regardless of their faith to pray.

“Pray he’ll show us mercy,” said Professor Hammerhand. “As he left behind only public transpiration for us to use, and that’s a living Hell.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

“Carmageddon” Takes a Downtown Detour to the La Brea Tar Pits

2011-07-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

Miracle Mile, California –

Like many false prophets that Jesus Christ warned us about in the Bible, today the much media hyped hyperbolae dubbed “Carmageddon” did not materialize.

Instead of awaking to bumper to bumper gridlock traffic flooding their side streets, blocking their driveways, however, the posh and well-heeled residents of LA’s Westside were in sharp contrast pleasantly surprised to find their neighborhoods eerily silent and nearly as empty as the closed 405 Freeway itself.

Reporters were at a loss as to where the much anticipated car jam went. Only to later discover that the detour signs setup days in advance announcing alternate routes for commuters to avoid the traffic caused by the closure of the 405 Freeway for the partial demolition of the Mulholland Drive Bridge had all been moved around overnight.

According to eyewitness accounts, a man with a long graybeard, carrying a wooden staff and wearing a red robe with an orange Caltrans vest over that intercepted the 405 Freeway side street traffic, misdirecting it to La Brea Tar Pits.

“He promised us a faster route through La Brea, if only we believed,” said one 405 Freeway survivor as he was pulled from the tar pits. “I guess, I guess I just didn’t believe hard enough.”

Standing at the edge of the La Brea Tar Pits, the old man waved his staff and parted the tar as if were the Red Sea.

“A gust of wind from Santa Fe then held back the walls of tar as cars drove into the pits,” said a homeless man. “Just as if it was blown from the nostrils of God.”

However, as the graybeard gentleman was arrested by the California Highway Patrol (CHP) for suspected identity theft and operating special effects without a filming permit, the walls of the La Brea Tar Pits suddenly collapsed onto the car caravan below, entombing it there.

“We just don’t know how many were trapped at the bottom of the tar pits when we shut the illegal byway down,” said the CHP. “I guess for them it really was ‘carmageddon’ after all.”

The CHP estimates ten thousand cars drove through the tar pits, making it safely to the other side.

“And shaving at least 15-minutes off their cross-town commute,” said the CHP.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.