The Horror Hotel

Horror Hotel Cinema : Night of the Eagle (1962)

2012-05-30T06:42:00.002-07:00

A real classic here, folks.

I like to mix it up in the 'Hotel Cinema'. We all love some cheese in our diets, and there's little in life as fun as a good B-movie that misses every single target it aims for; but equally, there's little as satisfying as discovering a long-forgotten gem that's been buried by the sands of time.

I cam across NIGHT OF THE EAGLE by accident, sometime last year. I was researching the history of one of my all-time favorite films, NIGHT OF THE DEMON, when a link led me to this baby. Its reputation preceded it, so I had to have a look. I'm very glad I did.

While its not in the same league as Tournier's masterpiece, (in my mind), its still a very powerful and chilling work, that's as effective today as I'm sure it was on release. It deals with similar themes of witchcraft, black magic and the dark side of the supernatural, yet has a pretty darn original storyline that's all its own.

The atmosphere is fog-thick, and the sense of unease that grabs you as the tale unfolds is palpable. One thing though...any arachnophobic kids out there, (such as myself), had best steel themselves for a few nasty surprises. The first half of the film boasts a few eight-legged frights that almost made me turn it off. Get past that though, and you have a wonderful, lost gem that puts today's supernatural horror movies to shame.

The plot deals with a man who finds out his loving, devoted wife is actually a practicing witch; and on learning this, he sets that lady straight and has her turn away from all that voodoo nonsense. Bad idea, chum. Bad idea.

Dim the lights, fill the kids with Whiskey and throw them to bed, and get your ass seated for a classic.

Don't mention it...

Editorial : Twilight Zone Pinball

2012-05-21T03:26:00.002-07:00

Everyone loves Pinball, and everyone loves THE TWILIGHT ZONE, right?

With those rather obvious facts laid out on the table, it seems that we all have ourselves a little mission to undertake. A responsibility as Sci-Fi/Horror fans to help see that a much missed Pinball table makes its way onto our consoles and back into our hearts in the near future.

Farssight Studios are looking to convert the arcade classic, (which sits proudly in the higher echelons of the 'Top 300 Pinball Machines' on 'Internet Pinball Database', and is beloved among many retro gamers and Pinball aficionados, for a variety of platforms, including PS3 Xbox 360 and I-Phone among others. As you can see from the images herein, shes a beautiful table, and deserves to be resurrected for a new generation, (and all us old geezers who miss her). Only issue is....yep, you guessed it...financing.

Critically acclaimed developers, Farsight, are looking to raise a cool $55,000 by June 17th and have so far just approached the halfway mark. If you wanna play the table as much as I do, head on over and pledge as much as you can afford, to help bring Rod Serling back into your living room.

This video explains the whole situation, and this article has links and instructions on how to donate to this fun-filled cause. Take a day off from saving the world, and save THE TWILIGHT ZONE PINBALL MACHINE!

Review : Vessel (2012) - Short film

2012-05-21T02:55:00.001-07:00

Director - Clark Baker

I'm really developing a taste for these short movies.

Its a no lose situation. If the short sucks, you only lost ten minutes of your time on the planet, and if they're done well, you get a short sharp rush of horror adrenalin that wont eat up your day. Good stuff.

Its also the playground of invention. These young filmmakers have to cram a lot of shit into these little movies, both to give them the required depth and win over the audience, and to showcase their abilities behind the camera. Often, they run on ambition alone, and look very cheaply produced, but sometimes one comes along that looks and feels fully cinematic, in style and scope. VESSEL is one such short.

There's little to give away, but I still don't wanna spoil the fun, so all I'll say is it appears to take some influence from Sci-Fi horror classics such as ALIEN, INVASION OF THE BODYSNATCHERS, THE THING and the much loved, William Shatner starring TWILIGHT ZONE episode, TERROR AT 20,000 FEET.

Most shorts stay very grounded due often to budgetary constraints, so for an indie director to set his short on a passenger jet, and feature extensive shots of his creature, a UFO and the airplane, is pretty damn brave. Luckily, Clark Baker has the chops to pull it off. VESSEL looks just great. The set design and lighting are impeccable, the performances are sound, there's a really professional soundtrack behind the whole thing that accentuates the tension, and last but not least, (and this is a crucial one), his monster looks excellent. A mixture of old school effects and well utilized CG help bring this semi Lovecraftian space bastard to life, and it never looks less that bad-ass.

Gore is sparse given that this is a mini-creature-feature, but in terms of how the tale plays out, it makes good sense. The CG is effective and manages to avoid looking like it was done on a home PC, (a problem which sadly sinks many such projects). In fact, it actually looks pretty darn professional. I'm curious as to what the budget was on this thing. It really does look polished.

Anyway, there ain't much more to say. Its a short film and this here is a short review. If you like your monster movies, and a dash of Sci-Fi, (and who doesn't?), then you could do a whole lot worse. The whole thing lasts under ten minutes, and is sure to entertain while it rolls. This work should see director, Baker, gain some much deserved recognition. Id like to see this cast and crew take on a full length feature. They all look like they could handle it with ease.

You can catch VESSEL over at BLOODY DISGUSTING for free right now, just click on them there words I just done typed....

8 Spider Sperms out of 10 (As always, my rating for this short is in comparison to other shorts, and not to full-length films. There's only so much you can do in so little time, and with that in mind, I believe these mini-movies should be judged on their own terms).

feature.

Horror Hotel Cinema : The Giant Claw (1957)

2012-05-19T03:38:00.000-07:00

'It looked like a Battleship!!!!'

No, dear, it didn't. At all...

Heres a challenge for you guys....

While watching THE GIANT CLAW, fire back a shot of Scotch (or any other spirit of your choice. I aint fussy), every time someone in the movie refers to the huge-ass monster birdie as being/looking/acting like 'a Battleship'....

I guarantee by the end of the film you'll either be in hospital for alcohol poisoning, dead, or signing up for the twelve steps to addiction recovery and finding Jesus.

How anyone could refer to this big ugly flying bastard of the skies as a 'Battleship' is beyond me. No amount of self medication could ever reshape this monstrosity to look like a damned boat. I dont care how much acid you ingest before viewing.

Theres a good chance that the writers pulled that description out their collective asses on seeing the design of the beast. Its among the most ridiculous, demented looking creatures ever to grace the silver screen, folks.

Any brits our there who remember Emu, the much despised kids character from the 80's will feel a familiar sense of foreboding on viewing this monstrosity. Is it the crappiest beast of all time? Maybe. You'll be hard pressed to find a stranger creation anyplace, anytime, ever.

Just watch it already, and keep telling yourself....its only a movie, only a movie, ONLY A MOVIE!!!!!!

Review : Son of Dracula (1943)

2012-05-18T10:29:00.001-07:00

Director:

Robert Siodmak

Writers:

Eric Taylor (screenplay), Curt Siodmak (story)

Stars:

Lon Chaney Jr., Robert Paige and Louise Allbritton | See full cast and crew

Count Alucard, (yep, you heard me...), is going on holiday! He's heading to the bayou to get hitched to an adventurous rich gal who has her sights set on immortality. Go Al.....

Its pouring with rain here in the dark lands of Scotland, and there's no better time in my eyes to gaze back in wonder at the halcyon years of Hollywood and the great Universal Classic monster movies that shaped our wonderful genre in its infancy. My motto...when the night is dark and stormy, reach for the classics...

Everyone has enjoyed, or at least knows of, the truly vital works that sprang from that long ago era....DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, THE MUMMY, THE WOLFMAN and so on; yet there are many more wonderful cinematic treasures to be mined from the golden age of horror.

Its with one of these minor, less-loved gems that we concern ourselves this evening....SON OF DRACULA.

The third in the vampire series, preceded by the hugely underrated DRACULA'S DAUGHTER and, of course, Bela Lugosi's timeless turn as the count himself in DRACULA, boasts one of the strangest casting choices in all Universals history....

When we think of Dracula, (and his offspring), we imagine, lithe, sexual, elegant beings whose evil is matched only by their prowess in the art of seduction. What we don't think of, is the towering, sluggish form of Lon Cheney Jr. The accomplished star of such classics as OF MICE AND MEN, and THE WOLFMAN, really doesn't seem the vampyric type. I mean no disrespect here. In fact, I love the guy, but he's a pretty strange choice for an ageless bloodsucker and seducer of maidens.

While he may be something of a curio in this movie, he does his best in a role five sizes too pristine for a man of his demeanor and stature. If you can see past the casting, his Count Dracula, (he's never addressed as his son, can be a rather threatening figure. It helps a great deal that he's bolstered by a genuinely intriguing script, in which a well-to-do lady of the Bayou who's looking to get hitched for all eternity to the big man. No damsel in distress here, troops. Just a southern gal with a hard-on for eternal life.

Also of note, the good lady and her associates all own a number of slaves. Of course, all the slaves are black, and modern audiences may find this whole deal a little offensive; its indicative of the times though. And as awful as it may be, films then represented the ideas and views of 1940's America. Of note, if you think this is bad, check out GONE WITH THE WIND, which is frankly insulting to the black audience and is said to have raised the hackles of a young Martin Luther King, himself. It took many more years, and the genius of George Romero and his seminal NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD to sort that shit out, kids.

Really though, this sort of dated idiocy shouldn't upset modern folks any more than the old school representation of anything with a vagina as being a whining, screaming, helpless maid in need of a strong man to help her tie her shoelaces, (other than DRACULA'S DAUGHTER and the feisty lady herein). Its par for the course. Handle it or pass the past on by.

If you can cope with the dated ideologies, and big lug, Lon Chaney Jr, looking more out of place than a priest in a day care center, you'll find much to celebrate in SON OF DRACULA. All that priceless Universal atmosphere is here in spades. The soundtrack, the Gothic splendor, the hot ladies and the cold, dark shadows...all here.

It's a forgotten, roughly hewn gem, but its one worth seeking out for lovers of 'ye olde horror'. The atmosphere is palpable, the plot is unique and the strange change of setting from olde world England/Transylvania, to the deep south, is a refreshing one. Give SON OF DRACULA a little of your time, and you may be pleasantly surprised. And besides, if you don't watch it, Lon Chaney will eat you!

6 Bumbling Bloodsuckers out of 10

Horror Hotel Cinema : Halloween - A Cut Above the Rest ( Documentary)

2012-05-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

Now look....

I'm not gonna ramble on about the film this documentary covers. There's nothing more needs ever be said about John Carpenters classic shocker by me nor anyone else. We all know its as damned near perfection as cinema gets. We all know its the perfect encapsulation of our most cherished day/night of the year. We all know Rob Zombie is an imbecile, (well, most of us do, I assume....).

Its the film that shaped our childhoods, and informed our adult cinematic minds. It lives inside us all, and it never, ever gets old.

This here is a pretty excellent documentary on the making of HALLOWEEN, featuring some great snippets of information for the two of you out there who haven't already learned everything there is to know about the history of this stunning film. Carpenter is always a blast to hang with, and hes just one of the many much loved faces you'll meet along the way as we journey down to Haddonfield one more time, to watch THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, make Jack-O-Lanterns, and feel that familiar sensation of dread, as the boogeyman draws ever closer to our happy home.

Enjoy....

Review : Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

2012-05-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

As Johnny Blaze hides out in Eastern Europe, he is called upon to stop the devil, who is trying to take human form.

I have to be honest with you folks, I never gave a rats ass about the original GHOST RIDER adaptation, either way. I enjoyed it as a popcorn, intellect-free escapist jaunt, but it never left any great effect for good or ill in my ole' bonce.

Before seeing it, the closest I'd come to this iconic character was listening to, (and loving), the song GHOST RIDER by minimalist drone-rock pioneers, SUICIDE. He sounded like a cool cat in that song, man, and if the visuals of the first film were anything to go by, he most likely was a cool cat. The characters visage is just about as iconic and bad-ass as it gets, and I'm assuming that he's a character who lends himself to the more heavy-metal friendly comic-reading audience. His origin is pretty fuckin ace too, and I hope one day to look into the character more deeply; but for now, I'm gonna have to review this sequel to his first cinematic foray as a plain old-fashioned film-fan.

I've heard the complaints leveled at the original movie, and the certain timidity it displayed, even when in comparison to other super-hero movies. It did feel lacking, even as a clueless popcorn muncher, I have to admit. Good news, then. The sequel goes some way to rectifying this problem.

Its still no hardcore, gore-fest, (though it fucking should be), but it has a definite air of lunacy that makes the whole show feel just that little bit more palatable. The style of SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE will probably piss off a lot of fans, even as it aims to remedy the last films flaws, but to the grind-house connoisseur, and more importantly, the 80's action aficionado, this is an hour and a half of sheer nonsense that has some really refreshing kicks.

If the first film was static, this one is its polar opposite. Its directed by the two headcases who gave us CRANK and CRANK 2, and the manic energy of those films has crossed over here, and seems to me to be a far better fit. There's practically no plot here, there is fucking zero character building, the script is laughable at best and the performances could easily be construed as being an affront to God; but if you gaze upon this trash with the right goggles, (preferably ones drenched in alcohol), its a pretty good time.

See, I'm pretty sure they were actually aiming for full-tilt cheese with this damn movie. Theres no way you can look at an actor of Ciaran Hinds caliber, as he curls his bottom lip and sneers like he's channeling Jon Vouight in ANACONDA, and believe that this shit isn't intentional. These cats have obviously set out to make a cheap, ramshackle 80's muscle-flick, in the vein of DARK ANGEL, THE PUNISHER and THE RUNNING MAN, and have actually managed to pull it off. Now, that's not gonna be everyone's cup of piss, but its mine, so this one put a grin on my chin.

Nicolas Cage has been allowed of the hook here, which, love him or not, is always fascinating to watch. Its hard to tell if hes aware of just how bad an actor he often is, or if its all some elaborate, meta-fucking mind-game he's playing on us. He's been great, (see ADAPTATION), but hes far more fun when he's overacting his face off, (get it?), and giving all us drinkers a damn good laugh. Here, he's someplace between the his characterization in the original GHOST RIDER and his delirious turn in THE BAD LIEUTENANT. He looks like he's having a lot of fun, and I had fun right along with him. Sue me.

Visually, SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE is a strange one. Its clear the effects are top-notch, yet the whole thing somehow looks and feels dirt-cheap. I dug it a lot. The Rider himself looks far, far cooler than in the previous film, and feels like a much more demented, demonic force in this film, (more on that later), but the whole thing is shot in such a way that seems to drain the air of cinematic quality from the show. Often, it looks like the video game 'MARVEL VS CAPCOM', with its fast and furious beat-em-up style; and the camera is never static. In fact, the cameraman appears to have been ingesting just as much LSD as the directors and good ole' Cage were ingesting. As a card carrying spaceman-of-olde, I can honestly say I heartily enjoyed the drug-crazed visuals. Its MAD MAX tripping of its balls with FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, and its supremely cool.

There's a far more Horror flavored vibe to things this time too, with the Rider coming off as a being more akin to the accursed 'Wolfman' than a straight down the line hero. The film opens with Jonny Blaze, (the Riders alter-ego), hiding away from humanity as he cant control the demons hunger to damn some soul, and as the film progresses it becomes clear that the beast inside is less 'heroic' and more 'animalistic, anger-fueled psychotic'. The Rider is far less talkative, and far more physically emotive this time around, moving much like a serpent in many scenes.It gives the film a pleasingly old-school horror feel. There's very little by way of gore, (if anything), but there are some brilliantly macabre visuals, as when the Riders nemesis gains his power to rot. Yep, rot....he just rots folks, man. Its nasty! Also, we all know the bike gets to burning when Blaze is in demonic form, but if you ever wondered what happened when he boarded other vehicles with his hellfire going on, you'll find out here, and its extremely cool. There are some tip-top, wild action sequences here that really do look supremely sweet.

Musically, the films a huge step up from GHOST RIDER, with warped heavy-metal blending with traditional horror elements and industrial beats to great effect. It really adds to the films overall cheap and cheerful, grind-house vibe, and compliments the willful madness onscreen.

It may seem as though I'm being overly positive towards the film, but its hard to get your tits in a twist when watching a film that features a bad-ass with a blazing skull for a head, and for my sort of viewer, (those who grew up on shitty 80's direct-to-video trash), its many, many flaws actually feel like strengths.

I'm sure most will hate it, and I understand that. Also, I have no idea how faithful it is to the comics, but SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE was a ton of fun, in my book. Its shortcoming are many, and its just about as dimwitted as a comic adaptation is ever likely to get, but I cant compare it to the like of THE DARK KNIGHT or X-MEN : FIRST CLASS because that's like comparing a princess to a porn star. We all wanna be seen with the princess, and we know shes a class act, but the porn-star has a great ass and lets us drink tequila from her tits. Why cant we have both?

I dug GHOST RIDER : SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE, and while that fact most likely will make me a fucking pariah among my peers; I have to be honest about these things. Turn your brain off, spark one up and get ready to head back to the 80's.

Characters? Plot? Depth? Intellect? Fuck off, IT'S THE 80's!!!!!

6 Rotten Twinkies out of 10

Lesson learned - Sometimes bad is better.

Review : Piranha 3D (2010)

2012-05-07T11:30:00.001-07:00

Director:

Alexandre Aja

Writers:

Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg

Stars:

Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and Richard Dreyfuss

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

Its been a long time coming, but the gloriously named PIRANHA 3DD is finally set to hit cinema's in the coming weeks, so the time seems right to have a look back at the first film. A remake that manages to be among the most mindlessly enjoyable mainstream Horror experiences in too many years to count.

PIRANHA is the definition of a divisive film. As a warm blooded man/pervert, and a card carrying lover of all things 'cheesy monster movie'. I was on board for this sumbitch from day one. The original was great fun in its own right, but with SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE and THE HILLS HAVE EYES director, Aja, at the helm, this was always gonna be a step up from what had come before. His remake of HILLS was, for my dollar, a far more visceral experience than Wes Craven's original, and the idea of this guy cutting loose with some man-eating fish was pretty fucking tantalizing. That said, it still proved to be surprisingly great fun.

Its a shameless, exploitation movie, drenched in sleaze and coated in Hollywood sheen. It looks like a million bucks, yet plays like the degenerate wet dream of a horny adolescent. In short, its exactly what it has to be. A blood soaked, tits and teeth epic with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and for those in the right mindset, a hilarious zany trip down memory lane.

The film sets in tongue firmly in cheek from the opening scene, wherein we witness the fate of Richard Dreyfuss' much loved character 'Hooper' from JAWS. He's apparently given up shark studying, (understandable really), for the more gentle pastime of fly-fishing, but one tectonic tremor later and he's facing an even more vicious fishy threat. Its almost sad to see the great man taken down by these little hungry bastards, but damn, does it put a smile on your face. From this brilliant opening, your left in no doubt that this isn't gonna be JOHN CARPENTERS THE THING. Shit, its not even gonna be THE RELIC. This is down-home, brutal, funny, escapist nonsense for the willfully puerile among us. Praise be.

I cant talk about PIRANHA without mentioning the wealth of T&A on display here. The films first half plays like the most well shot soft core porno ever made. The films practically packed with lithe ladies and six-pack sporting gents. The booby action culminates in a frankly unforgettable underwater lesbian scene that goes on way longer than it has any damn need to, (or so your girlfriend will argue), and features both the full-frontal 'talents' of Kelly Brook and hardcore porn star, Riley Steele. This right here, is awesome. Those looking for a titillating time will find it here, but to be honest, its mostly just really fucking funny. You can picture the boyish glee Aja must have felt filming this shit, knowing it was headed for the big screen. You gotta admire that level of brazen immaturity. I know I do.

Rest assured, those among you, who only came for the guts 'n; gore, that while the first half is heavy on boobs and butt-cracks, there are still a number of grisly death scenes to punctuate the silliness until we reach the godlike second half. The kills are equal parts humorous and grotesque, and keep the pace up nicely until the films truly classic moment....the party scene.

When the killer sardines hit that summer lake party, Aja goes into full throttle lunacy mode, and bombards the viewer with a constant stream of wildly violent deaths, blood drenched visuals and dementedly over the top action. I wont give away any of the kills here, (Ive watched five times and still haven't seen them all, I'm sure), but they are wondrous. I should say, for those of you who bemoan Eli Roth, director of the first two HOSTEL movies, you'll be well pleased by his demise.

How Aja managed to pack so much old school gory chaos into a mainstream horror movie is beyond me. That the film never takes itself in any way seriously is surely a factor, but I was still blown away by the sheer balls of the thing. The effects are mostly in-screen, and are all fantastically effective. The killer fish are all CG, though they look just fine, but its the carnage they wreak that truly impresses. When these fish feed, its not fucking pretty, let me tell you. If you've ever wondered what a half-chewed dick looks like, you've come to the right place, ladies and gentlemen.

Performance wise, the teens are all good looking and manage to make you care for them a little, by simply not being total fucking assholes' Elisabeth Shue is as hot and as hearty as ever as the small town cop trying to deal with the razor-toothed beasties, and PULP FICTION legend Ving Rhames is as effortlessly bad-ass as ever. As good as all these cats are, the real stand out is Jerry O'Connell, of STAND BY ME and SCREAM 2 fame, as the porn star director who hires a boat on the ill-fated lake to create his latest masterpiece. He's just brilliant here, and steals every scene with his coked-up wild eyed performance. He also has the best death scene in the movie, (the aftermath of which is even more hilarious). Christopher Lloyd pops up as a mad scientist for five seconds, and makes for a great, grin inducing cameo too.

PIRANHA is a teenage delinquent asshole of a movie. Immature, horny, drunk as shit and coked up beyond all repair. Its violent, grin-some, filled with fucked up fish and busting at the bikini with lesbians, love-buns and lunacy. What more do you want from a giant killer-fish movie?

8 Fish Suppers out of 10

Review : The Devil Inside (2012)

2012-05-06T00:45:00.004-07:00

Time can literally stand still...

Suffering through 'found-footage' fuck-up fest, THE DEVIL INSIDE is like vacationing in the abyss. Its an unending, mindbogglingly shit plummet into Satan's toilet bowl. Fit for consumption by none.

It takes a lot to get my rankle up when it comes to found footage films. It really does. I'm one of the few, ostracized souls in the horror field who actually sees great merit in the movies, (when done right, of course). Hell, the last movie I reviewed was a shaky-cam shocker, THE TROLL HUNTER, and it was deliriously engaging and entertaining. While I sometimes feel like I'll have to rename this place 'THE FUCKING FOUND FOOTAGE HOTEL', I still get a kick from these films. I'm at half mast just thinking about REC 3, I enjoyed the hell out of CLOVERFIELD and I can't bring myself to get on the vitriol wagon for the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY series, either. Its an immersive filming technique when done with panache.

THE DEVIL INSIDE is not done with panache. Nope. Not at all.

The movie opens with some pretty decent TV footage of an exorcism that ended badly for all involved. Three members of the cloth have been brained and are currently finding out whether Jesus exists or not, and the killer, (the gal on whom they were performing the exorcism), is being shipped off to the mental hospital where she can paint the walls with her own feces till the cows come home. So far so good.

We then jump forward to sometime in the Noughties where we meet her somewhat hot daughter, all grown up now and keen to learn what truly happened to her dear old momma back in the day. With a film-maker in tow, she heads off to Rome to get to the bottom of all this, and learn whether her mother was truly possessed when she killed those clowns, or whether shes simply as crazy as a bag of badgers.

I gotta be fair. Its a rather tantalizing premise. The locations are beautiful and the initial theological debates about the existence of God, (and old Nick) point to a film that is at least trying to say something. I mean, who's not at least a little fascinated by the idea of demonic possession? Its a scary concept. A primal fear that taps into the subconscious, whether one is religious, spiritual, or not. Something we can all get our intellectual fucking teeth into. Shame then that the initial fascination the film evokes in the viewer is soon completely squandered as the film plummets to depths of banality and ineptitude that I've rarely come across on film at all, ever. Its that bad.

I'm not gonna waste too much time on this dick-fest, so I'll cut to the chase.

THE DEVIL INSIDE is hopelessly banal, mind crushingly boring cinema that blatantly rips off far better works. THE EXORCIST, THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, (great, great film on the subject!), FALLEN and THE LAST EXORCISM are all shamelessly pilfered from, and thrown together in a melting pot that manages to neuter all the chills and base spiritual fears those films effectively evoked, (okay, well, not FALLEN...)

It doesn't take a fucking genius to work out how this godawful mess garnered a cinematic release. The producers behind the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY series clearly desired a low expenditure, high profit supernatural handheld hit that could recapture PA's lightning in a bottle. They came across this shit-pile, and (possible without even viewing the damn thing). decided to throw it out to the poor bastard masses with a nice shiny, utterly misleading trailer, showing audience reactions to this 'terrifying experience', (no one could possibly be scared by this fucking film. Its unthinkable!), and sat back and waited for the sweet sweet dollars to come rolling in. From what I gather, it worked.

This sort of godless bullshit is whats bringing horror to its knees in the mainstream. Think of how many truly worthy genre films could have been delivered to the mainstream public this year, and the studios give them this!!?? If this was ones first foray into our beloved genre, they wouldn't be popping round for fucking tea again anytime soon. Its not merely an inept piece of film, its an insulting one.

It takes around 5 weeks, (of 'inside your head'- time), before we get to see any sort of exorcism, and when we do, its laughably stupid, ill-conceived and flat. Up till this point, we've been hanging out with the hot chick and a coupe of renegade priests who perform exorcisms behind the Vatican's back, and have the magical ability to say and do absolutely nothing of interest for the whole fucking duration. At least the hot chick is hot. These two are so poorly written, ( can't blame the actors too much, as no one could read this shit aloud and sound halfway human), that all time spent int their company is rendered meaningless. As for the hot girl, she gets to watch her mommy writhe, spit and snarl demonically, and not once does she look like she even remotely gives a good shit. What the hell is she doing traipsing to Rome if she really couldn't give two fucks what the outcome of her investigation is?! The old gal playing Devil-Mom doesn't fare much better. Shes about as threatening as a fucking Care Bear. Her demonic behavior does happen to be the films only saving grace though, as its among the funniest shit to hit screens in a long damn time. Some of her 'disturbing' dialogue is so funny I almost found myself enjoying the movie as a farce. Then of course, I had my moment of clarity and remembered I'm not a fucking idiot. Anyway, the main exorcism in this film lasts around four or five minutes, and that's nowhere near enough time to eradicate the sour taste left in your mouth by the clergymen, (sour taste....clergymen....get it?).

Any twist in the tale is revealed in the first ten minutes in a crushingly obvious seminar scene, the only blood 'n' guts we see are three 'after-the-fact' bodies, and one bullet-to-the-head-shot. The treatise on possession and demonic entities is the sort of shit you'd expect to hear in a Scooby-Doo episode, and to top it all off and shit all over this piss-cake, there's even a decidedly dodgy and none-too-subtle hint of a creepy pro-life agenda going on behind the scenes. The film is a bag of fuck.

By the time you reach the end, (if your strong/stupid enough to make it there), you'll be wishing for a quick death. Luckily, the film finally does something right and ups and ends out of the fucking blue. No point, no thrills, no refund. But at least the damn things finished and you can go home, re-watch THE EXORCIST and forget that you actually payed good money to be mind-raped while lining the pockets of a money-grabbing major studio.

Fuck this movie.

1 Salty Priest out of 10

Guest Post/ Promo : Vanessa Morgon

2012-05-03T03:50:00.002-07:00

Vanessa Morgans 'BEST VAMPIRE MOVIES'

There's an exciting new vampire story being released this month. It's a screenplay by Vanessa Morgan called A GOOD MAN (also available in French as Un homme bien) - a fun vampire tale that turns the whole vampire myth completely on its head and turns it into something highly original. The movie based on the screenplay is now in pre-production with Radowski Films. Let's talk about some of Vanessa Morgan's favorite vampire movies to celebrate the release of A GOOD MAN.

Salem's Lot (1979)

Salem's Lot - population 1319 - and growing eerier by the moment. Since an ominous outsider has moved into this sleepy New England town, the dead walk the streets of Salem's Lot. Vampires have never gotten any creepier than this. In 1987 followed the disappointing sequel A Return To Salem's Lot and in 2004 an intriguing mini-series starring Robe Lowe, Donald Sutherland and Rutger Hauer.

Fright Night (1985)

A teenager discovers that his next-door neighbor is a vampire. The sequel from 1988 is well-worth it as well. From director Tom Holland (Child's Play).

The Hunger (1983)

The lovers of the vampire Miriam (Catherine Deneuve) don't age as long as she is in love with them. When her current lover, John (David Bowie), starts to age rapidly, he understands that Miriam has fallen in love with someone else and that he has no more than a couple of days to live. He tries to win back the love of his lover while seeking help from a doctor (Susan Sarandon) who researches premature aging.

Karmina (1996)

In this rare, but funny vampire movie from Quebec, the vampire Karmina temporarily transforms into a human after drinking from a special potion. Under the effects of the potion, Karmina falls in love with one of them.

Eternal Blood (Sangre Eterna) (2002)

A journalism student meets a group of kids that play a role-playing game called Eternal Blood. Soon all the members start to turn into vampires. This *Brazilian* horror movie from Jorge Olguín has some of the coolest vampires in history.

The Wisdom Of Crocodiles (1998)

Just before becoming famous, Jude Law played a vampire in this small British movie about a vampire who is searching for the ideal woman to redeem him.

About Vanessa Morgan

Screenwriter and novelist Vanessa Morgan is known as the 'female version of Stephen King'. You can find out more about Vanessa Morgan and her work by going to her personal blog http://vanessa-morgan.blogspot.com. If you like cats, you might also like the web comic about her cat Avalon at http://avalon-lion.blogspot.com.

About A Good Man

Loved Dexter and American Psycho? Then you will love A Good Man.

Louis Caron is a good man – vegetarian, he feeds the homeless, takes care of animals and is concerned with the ecological future of the planet. But his altruism has a sinister edge – he's a vampire - and local detective Taglioni is becoming increasingly suspicious. Louis' attempt to escape the police will take him on a journey into his own private hell where he is not only forced to confront his worst fears, but also to destroy the lives of those he cares about.

Where to purchase the book:
* Amazon US - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007U253J4 * Amazon UK - http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Good-Man-ebook/dp/B007U253J4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1335711907&sr=1-1 * Smashwords - https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/151923

Review : The Troll Hunter (2010)

2012-04-27T02:20:00.003-07:00

Director:

André Øvredal

Writers:

André Øvredal, Håvard S. Johansen (contributing writer)

Stars:

Otto Jespersen, Robert Stoltenberg and Knut Nærum

A group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

Andre Ovredal's THE TROLL HUNTER is the definition of unique. A found footage film that combines fear, fairy-tales, action and atmosphere; blending real suspense with some very humorous scenarios. Its a movie aiming to meld documentarian realism to a fantastical story. A travelogue through Middle Earth via the breathtaking landscapes of Norway. A comedic adventure. An old school monster movie, and, finally, a look at belief and wonderment, and the importance of holding onto those feelings.

The film opens in the usual 'found footage' stylee, with a few solemn words silently filling the screen to set the tone. we're informed that the footage is indeed 'found' and that the creators are missing in action. The footage, we're told, is as it was found, in sequence and un-tampered with, (other than being edited down for time, of course), and then, we're off...

Stop me if this all sounds like white dog shit, because we all know this is how every one of these films begins, or at least the vast majority of their ilk do. Yet straight away we notice that this one has a very powerful card up its sleeve. Norway.

THE TROLL HUNTER is an absolutely beautiful looking film. From its very first moments to its last, its a feast for the eyes. We're treated to all manner of Norwegian goodness, ranging from vast mountainous vistas, stunning mystical fjords, idyllic villages and road-stops, snow-swept expanses and dark, ominous pine forests that reach on seemingly forever and a day. For my money, Norway is this films greatest asset.

In many ways, the film plays like a fantasy laced road-trip. It opens with the camera peering out through the rain-lashed window of our protagonists vehicle; capturing the majesty of the land as they travel through its splendor. Get used to this sort of shot, as there are many like it. We spend a great deal of the film riding shotgun with our fearless friends, and most of that time is spent gazing out the window in awe. If this all sounds boring, trust me, it ain't. Frankly, if Ovredal has simply pointed his camera out the window and drove from one side of Norway to the other while singing fucking Viking songs, I'd have been a happy camper. Lets hope there's a three-and-a-half-month extended edition being prepped for home release....

Fear not though..if you lack my somewhat spaced out temperament and don't get a kick out of watching rain fall lazily for ninety minutes, (whats wrong with you!?), your still gonna have a great time with THE TROLL HUNTER. Its works on many levels. For me, it plays best as a demented holiday in a strange land, but its got so much more to offer.

As a monster movie, it struck me as being the very best since THE HOST. Great monster movies are hard to come by these days, (before THE HOST, I have to go all the way back to THE RELIC to find one I truly love. I'm not counting the awesome KING KONG, as its not a horror-crossover in my mind), and while CLOVERFIELD, arguably, tread similar ground in its concept, the results are wildly different.

Ovredal's film dives deep into the mythology of its weird and wonderful beasts, blending well-known legend with some clever new twists on the theme. Its chock full of great stuff. As we travel deeper into the Norwegian wild, we learn, alongside our three film-makers, of the countries secret netherworld of Troll's. Turns out these big ugly bastards have been roaming the lands since time immemorial, and the fairy tales were right....sunlight turns them into pavement, they eat rocks for breakfast, they come in all shapes and sizes and, (and I love this one), they can smell the blood of Christians, and outright hate the buggers. Add to this a healthy dose of Government cover-ups and some kick-ass troll-hunting' tactical maneuvers and you have yourself one hell of an original and fun setup for some man-on-monster action.

The trolls themselves all look great, and manage to avoid crossing into ridiculous territory, despite having many of the characteristics we associate with these weirdo's. They may boast big noses, and even bigger butts, but they still evoke an air of menace, (especially the gentleman who shows up for the films finale). Much of this is down to the handheld filming style keeping the beasts in frame just long enough for us to chew on the visuals without giving away any budgetary restrictions. Don't get me wrong though, this is a far more generous movie with its monsters than CLOVERFIELD was. We do see all of these Hobbit-botherers in all their glory, and often. They just happen to be shot for maximum effect and minimum cost. Its a far, far more visually stunning creature feature than any I can think of since the THE HOST and it gives that film a run for its money as well. In short, if the beautiful scenery don't get ya, the fuck ugly man/rock-eating trolls will.

Another benefit THE TROLL HUNTER has over its closet cousin, is that it has likeable, even lovable characters. Of course, we have the titular 'troll-hunter', Hans. A Nordic bad-ass whose unsung heroism is matched only by his stoicism. Hes a gruff, tough and smelly son of a bitch, yet bears a heart that's heavy with the weight of things he's seen and done. Quietly noble, and often sad, Hans is a more complex soul than we usually find in this sub-genre, (I'm looking at you, Mica, you prick). He's the star of the show, for sure, but the real heart and soul resonate with the younger cast.

There are no high-class new york assholes to be found here, folks. Just three amiable, inquisitive young filmmakers whom its very easy to get behind, not least because we share their heady mixture of fear and excitement as events unfold. The kids do great, and manage to convey a real sense of wonder that's very infectious. Much of the humor comes from the facial expressions of these guys, as they find their modern outlooks clashing with ancient legend, in more and more terrifying and enthralling ways. Its through the filmmakers that THE TROLL HUNTERS themes are expressed also. When the first encounter one of the big beasties, they all but shit themselves, (as you would), yet have a hard time containing their glee at the prospect of such creatures existing. With grins a mile wide, they make the choice to head off in search of legend. Essentially eradicating any links to previous works like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. The scares here are fun. This isn't a dour, depressing look at the inevitability of death, nor a precautionary tale about man venturing where he should not. No, it embraces the idea of dreaming and imagining with arms open wide. Magic is worth searching for, the fairy tales your grandparents told you in bed at night may well be true, and it makes the world a far richer place, to assume so.

THE TROLL HUNTER is a rich film in many area's, and has all the makings of a cult classic. Its only a matter of time before the inevitable shitty American remake, so if you see this one on the shelves, grab it quick, rush home, and spend some time in the misty mountains of Norway for a fun, creepy and gleefully exciting winter break. Brilliance.

Lesson Learned - Loving Jesus will not make you any Troll friends, and could well get you eaten..

8 Dead 'n' Dumped Bears out of 10

Promo : The Asylum

2012-04-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t already heard of The Asylum yet, then you’re somewhat behind the times.

This American film studio and distributor has been making a name for itself by producing some of the most ridiculous and entertaining modern B-movies around, many of which directly parody the major feature films in cinemas at the time of release, earning them the title “mockbusters”. One of the first titles from The Asylum that quickly gained public attention was 2009’s Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a creature feature that pits (yes, you guessed it) a monstrous shark against an outsized octopus in a duel to the death. These two creatures had been frozen in ice for thousands of years until mankind inadvertently caused their release, unleashing them on the unsuspecting world. To date, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is The Asylum’s most successful feature, leading to 2010’s sequel Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

Creature features have always been a popular B-movie genre, and The Asylum have produced a number of similar features including 100 Million BC and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. To coincide with the mainstream cinematic release of the high budget Piranha 3D in 2010, The Asylum produced their parody Mega Piranha. However, they have also toyed with a variety of other genres including superhero films (Almighty Thor), a Christian parody of High School Musical (Sunday School Musical), and last year a disaster movie to coincide with the release in cinemas of 11.11.11 (11/11/11). Production at The Asylum is a fast process, usually taking just four months from the inception of a new title to the completed product. Scripts are written in four to six weeks, whilst pre-production and production get a few weeks each.

Although most of The Asylum’s releases are direct to DVD, you can also watch movies online at sites like LOVEFILM, whose extensive online catalogue features a number of Asylum productions.

Review : The Divide (2011)

2012-04-13T11:56:00.004-07:00

Director:

Xavier Gens

Writers:

Karl Mueller, Eron Sheean

Stars:

Lauren German, Michael Biehn and Milo Ventimiglia

A strong opening is a tradition in horror. It sets the tone, get the audience's hearts pumping, and should give a good taste of what lies ahead. Xavier Gans' punishing end-of-the-world shocker,THE DIVIDE, has a very strong opening.

Our first stark images show the total destruction of New York, as the nukes finally fall and civilization as we know it bites the radioactive dust. We only catch a fleeting glimpse of the destruction taking place before we're thrust right along with our characters into the only damn place that may be in any way safe...the basement of their apartment building. It's either a dark dead-end, or immediate melting of the face, and the face melting may turn out to be a better option. The doors are shut and sealed with tape to keep the transparent radiation outside, (good luck with that), and our small band of shell-shocked everyday New Yorkers are left alone, literally, at a dead-end. As we all know, if you put a group of relatively civilized folk in a claustrophobic, end-times scenario with little food and water, and practically no hope for survival, the wild things will roar. Human decency becomes cheap, power becomes survival, sanity crumbles, and 'Gods chosen species' revert back to their true, base form. Let the good times roll....

I'm a sucker for a good survival horror. Especially one which pushes our 'heroes' against the wall, with no room to catch breath. Give me a claustrophobic setting within a world gone mad just outside our field of vision, and an ever growing sense of dread and despair, and then throw in some combustive personalities in a fight for life, and I'm in. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, THE LORD OF THE FLIES, THE MIST and THE WALKING DEAD immediately spring to mind as prime examples of the subject handled with craft, as peoples true natures crawl to the surface and our social behaviors are cast aside, replaced by insanity and an animalistic instinct to survive at all costs. Human beings will always be the greatest source of horror in our world, and when a film/novel is realized with intelligence, fearlessness and a will to shine a spotlight on the darkness of the human soul, it makes for fascinating, if depressing, entertainment. THE DIVIDE is a worthy look at the theme. A well told, solidly paced dip into some suitably grim waters, that has as much disdain for the human race as any of the above mentioned.

Director, Xavier Gans, (much respected for his brilliantly nihilistic FRONTIERS), throws us headlong into the shit, pitching us into a grimy, hopeless hell from which death seems like a mighty tasty prospect. Along with writers, Karl Mueller and Eron Sheean, Gans has put together a bleak, unforgiving look at our less admirable qualities as a species. The horror of the initial imagery deftly sets the scene, and remains in the audiences mind throughout the whole nightmare. And as there is absolutely no time for our characters to get acquainted before the worlds heart stops beating, neither is there time for us to find relate-able personality types, or gain any perception of who will become our heroes and/or villains.

The cast are all excellent in their respective roles. The mighty Micheal Beihn steals the show as the recently annihilated apartment complex's resident janitor, who lives out of the buildings basement and has been awaiting the coming apocalypse since, I believe, 9/11. His performance is the most flashy in the film, but its also the most engaging. The rest of the cast covers all bases. We have a mother and daughter, a good-looking young couple on the verge of breaking up, due, (I assume), to the males lack of testicular fortitude, a security guard who has zero tolerance for racism, and last but not least, a couple of New York punks and the alpha males more sensitive half brother. There are some fearless performances here, not least, Milo Vernimiglia, who certainly isn't afraid to embrace his dark half, or transform his appearance, (and his public image), for the sake of story. His role here is a vital one, and is far, far removed from his HEROES persona. As his sidekick, Micheal Eklund knocks it out the park as a complex, tormented soul who's behavior becomes increasingly bizarre and conflicted as the severity of the situation takes hold. Its an ensemble piece wherein every character has their 'moment' and each has an effect on the group dynamic, and the gradual devolution of social mores and decency.

There are no real good guys or bad guys here, only victims of horrific circumstance, who react in different ways. Both nobility and depravity surface time and again, often within the same characters actions, as we watch them struggle with their moral compass and the disintegration of their psyche's. The result is an overwhelmingly negative view of the human race and its weakness'. Much like THE ROAD, this is a dark, despairing look at what happens when normal people are pushed to the limits. THE DIVIDE is cut from the same cloth, and while it lacks the unrelenting emotional impact of that movie, it stands it ground, and is as nihilistic as any horror fan could hope for.

As filthy, grimy and stomach churning as the groups hellish sanctuary becomes, the film is beautifully shot. Gans' eye for visual impact that he displayed so well in FRONTIERS is present and correct. The film looks fantastic, with shadow and light constantly warring within the claustrophobic setting, much as they war within the characters themselves. Long smooth camera shots help maintain a sense of urgency and add space to a very confined locale. The film's closing shots are every bit as powerful as its opening ones, and the film boasts an excellent, emotionally resonant score that brings adds pathos to the ugliness on display, accentuating the sense of tragedy and complimenting the sombre, hopeless tone the film so effectively evokes.

While its a bleak and brutal movie, THE DIVIDE is surprisingly restrained when it comes to displaying the violence. We see very little, and while it helps affirm the film as more than simply a run-of-the-mill shocker, it could have benefited from just a little more gore to hit home the horror elements. The film also seems to be selective on which characters are physically effected by the radiation, starvation and thirst. The pretty girl stays pretty during the whole show, while the less eye-friendly cast members are visibly far more ravaged by the grit and shit as the story progresses. These are small complaints though, and don't really diminish the overall atmosphere of decay and despair that Gans is aiming for.

Overall, THE DIVIDE will please fans of the theme. It may be too dark for some palettes, but its a very worthwhile movie that takes itself and its subject seriously, while never coming off as being overly self-important. It's another striking work for Gans; a tightly woven tale that looks at the darker side of our nature. Tense, nihilistic, brutal and often demented. This one is well worth catching for those who aren't turned off by its themes.

7 Blunt Axes out of 10

Review : The Wicker Tree (2012)

2012-04-09T23:58:00.002-07:00

Director: Robin Hardy

Writers:

Robin Hardy (book), Robin Hardy

Stars:

Brittania Nicol, Henry Garrett and Graham McTavish

THE WICKER TREE is based on the novel, COWBOYS FOR CHRIST, written by Robin Hardy himself, and concerns itself with the misadventures of two born again God-bothers who hail from Dallas, and are sent on a mission to save the heathen hordes of my home land, Scotland, by traveling door-to-door spreading the word of God, (because we all know that shit works). On arriving, they find my countrymen to be giving of precisely zero fucks, (so proud). All seems lost till they are approached by some' Lord of the Manor' type who runs a secluded community, and advises that while his people may not be easily converted, they will at least keep an open mind to the teachings of Christ and his pals. Out dynamic duo then pack their bibles and head off to save some horny souls from eternal damnation, via terrible choir music and insufferable behavior. Thankfully, our Scottish Pagan buddies have other plans. Can you say, 'Kentucky Fried'?

I'm gonna try not to bash on this movie too much. I have every reason to. Its an absolute shambles of a film, but its so inept, so disjointed, so confused, that I actually managed to have a good time with it, despite it's significant aura of shite.

I assumed going in that if THE WICKER TREE was bullshit, I would be pissed off in a big way. I mean, its the spiritual predecessor of one of my favorite film's of all time; the profoundly disturbing, unique and intelligent THE WICKER MAN. In my mind, this thing had a huge shadow cast over it from inception to birth. If it pissed all over the legacy of Robin Hardy's previous masterpiece, (he wrote and directed that classic work), my hatred would be unbound, thought I.

Thing is though, the film is so utterly incompetent in almost every area, that it's impossible to take seriously as a horror film at all, never mind a continuation of the themes explored in the 70's Classic. THE WICKER TREE is a film that will be forgotten before your beers gone flat. If, (and I have to emphasis the 'if'), its remembered at all, it'll be as a cult, camp extravaganza, watched for shits and giggles by drunken artisans the world over. It's so ineffectual as a companion piece to Hardy's previous masterpiece that I'm gonna go a different route from most reviewers, and avoid comparisons to said film as much as possible. Okay? Good.

I never read the Director, Robin Hardy's novel, COWBOYS FOR CHRIST, so I can't comment on what was lost in translation, if anything, but as a cinematic work, his movie misses all its marks with such regularity that a part of me believes this whole thing was made as a joke. I have no fucking idea if this film is supposed to be taken as satire, comedy, sex-farce, horror, thriller, or a treatise on religious stupidity. In fact, its all this things at once, and would make for a sore head if the viewer allowed it; but it's too damn dumb to deserve any real thought at all. What your left with is a hilariously bad cornucopia of ridiculous sex scenes, undercooked horror elements and high-school level acting, (no offense to all the high-school Al Pacino's out there, by the way), that somehow manages to put a smile on your face even as it tramples all over your intelligence.

Its one thing to watch the dreadful remake of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and feel infuriated, knowing that a new generation will most likely believe that Brad Fuller's shit-party is the only one in town featuring our favorite dream demon, but THE WICKER TREE hasn't a damned chance of denting the legacy of its predecessor at all. It's best to just to think of this as the BATMAN AND ROBIN of the religious horror genre. And enjoy it as such.

As the film opens, we're introduced to out two leads, an all American, bible bashing bimbo that could use a good slap upside the head, and her walking cliche of a cowboy boyfriend. These two fuck-wits are the very definition of cliche, and would feel more at home in an episode of DR QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN, than a modern treatise on religious piousness. A part of you will want them dead from minute one, while your more good humored side will wanna spend time with them, just to mock their stupidity, (much like we all do with real-life born again Christians, as it happens). I can't rag on the actors though. It would be cruel and inaccurate to lay the blame at their doors. After all, the screenplay their saddled with is so expertly shite that they wouldn't stand a chance were they Laurence Olivier.

I was gonna gift you with some quotes that back up my belief that this may be among the most ridiculous scripts ever put to screen, but you know what, fuck it! I'm not sitting through it again. I haven't got the spiritual fortitude to survive a repeat, even if I did find myself endeared with its transcendent shiteness first time around. My good nature only stretches so far. I'll just say that you have to see and hear this film to believe it. It's like a bad pantomime performed on low-grade acid.

The horror and suspense elements are non-existent. There's no gore to speak of, besides one poorly edited kill during what passes as the films finale, and I've seen more suspense in an episode of Scooby-Doo.

The sex scenes have all the eroticism of a hallmark card, (although I can;t be sure there was ever a hallmark card on which some dude boned a pale Scottish chick while wearing a pantomime donkey head....could have happened though). The soundtrack is replete with forgettable, and laughable songs that only serve to deepen the creeping sense that this whole thing is a huge inside joke, and the religious themes, while often fun, have absolutely no heft or resonance.

And what of the much heralded Christopher Lee scene? Well, the great man shows up for all of ten seconds in a flashback, and while the man is legend, the transition from the present to flashback and back is so rib-crackingly funny you'll most likely miss his intended effect. I mean, the person having the flashback actually gazes off to the side, in the stylee of Joey from FRIENDS. I shit you not, my friends. I shit you not...

It ain't all 'so bad its good', though. Some things are actually pretty cool. The opening credits are genuinely eerie and belong in an entirely, different film, ( a real sequel to THE WICKER MAN perhaps), the 'wicker tree' itself is very well designed and in the right film, could make for an imposing image. There are some select fun lines thrown at the born-again weirdo's and their glaring lack of common sense, that will tickle the Atheist's and Agnostics out there. Pagan's ( of whom I know a few), could, in theory, find some of the actions of their cinematic counterparts a little insulting, but it's highly unlikely. As I said, no one should take this shit seriously. Just laugh along guys. It ain't insulting anybody but the pious among us. And we're all laughing at them, anyway, (when we're not weeping for the human race, that is).

Is it possible that THE WICKER TREE is one huge inside joke by the cast and crew on all of us? Yes, it could conceivably be. Its hard to comprehend this was supposed to be taken seriously.It could be we're all baring witness to Robin Hardy's deconstruction of his own masterpiece, and that the man's a fucking genius who's laughing at the worlds expense. Its more likely though, that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice, and what we have is a failed attempt to expand upon the themes of its forefather. At fucking all.

Either way, it's fucking hilarious. See it, laugh your ass off, and then hate yourself in the morning.

3.5 Pantomime Porno's out of 10

Exclusive : Interview with THE LOST COAST TAPES Director, Corey Grant

2012-04-07T01:19:00.003-07:00

I've made no secret of my rabid enthusiasm for the upcoming Bigfoot themed horror movie, THE LOST COAST TAPES. In truth, it had me at 'Bigfoot', yet as time's went on, it's grown to become my most anticipated movie of the year. The dedication of it's cast and crew, the found footage angle, (which you all know I'm a huge fan of), the mythos behind the legend of Sasquatch, and the authenticity-drenched location shoots in the awe-inspiring redwoods have all conspired to fuel my horror-fan fire.

When the one-sheets were released, it tipped me over the edge, (you can view those bad boys here!). The images, like the whole production, screamed professionalism, and showed a real understanding of what us horror weirdos are looking for in a Bigfoot movie. Atmospheric, creepy, and in the case of one of the posters, downright nasty.

The world needs more Bigfoot movies. Of course, there are now a few in the works, but THE LOST COAST TAPES Director/Producer, Corey Grant, and his fearless band of lunatics, have got their first, and look to have carved out a unique take on the legend. This is the one I'm waiting for.

Despite his hectic schedule, Corey has returned from the wilds of the California redwoods with both his sanity, and energy to spare, and has been gracious enough to grant yours truly an exclusive interview.

In our interview, Corey talks shooting, location, upcoming projects and, of course, the legendary Bigfoot himself. Enjoy!

Horror Hotel : The subject of Sasquatch/Bigfoot has been strangely underutilized in the horror genre. What made the myth so appealing to you?

I think one of the things that really scares people is reality. Things based on true stories. Things that are based on some fact. Things that probably could happen. There have been thousands of people who have said they have encountered Bigfoot. Some of the stories have very credible witnesses so it puts out a thought that this phenomenon could possibly be true. That's very scary. That alone I thought would really get audiences behind a project like this. I also felt that as a director, it's much more effective to get into the audience's mind through the use of manipulating their imagination, than having the typical horror ingredients with a creature just running around killing everybody. Not to say we didn't take things in a traditional horror direction, it's just we took it a bit further.

Horror Hotel : The process of bringing such a ambitious idea to screen must have been an arduous one. What obstacles did you guys have to overcome to get this baby onto the screen?

Well one major obstacle was making this moving as authentic as possible and that would include actually shooting on location in Eureka, California and Bluff Creek. This is Bigfoot central in the world - where the Bigfoot legend was birthed. We wanted to shoot deep in the RedWood forest and it was very difficult. Our main location was a 90 min drive into the forest every morning (or night) to get to set. It was so secluded that we had a hard time getting all our trucks and equipment in. It was a very dangerous drive that at one point takes you high into the mountains and then down into a valley. We actually had to find an alternate route in that would support our trucks. We were lucky that one of the locals told us of a logging road that we could use that would support our trucks. Of course we had to pay for its use but it was the only way... Shooting on location is always harder but it always is worth the production value you get in return.

Horror Hotel : If you could sum up quickly, what advice would you give to young film-makers looking to embark on their own project?

Don't wait for it. Go out and shoot, shoot, shoot! Make your own movie and get noticed. Technology allows this. Also, make sure your script is great. Bad script equals bad movie. My first feature I made for $8000 while I was still in film school and that's what got me going and noticed. Cameras are so much better today and affordable than when I started but great writing is key.

Horror Hotel : It's become well known that you guys shot the film on location in the beautiful Redwoods of California. That must have been a wonderful experience. Do tell?

Yes it was! Most of our crew are city people and never had seen anything like that in our lives. It really inspired me to see nature up close and personal and it helped me creatively. Although it was frightening during our night shoots, half way through we got used to it.... Those trees are so large and tall, they don't seem real. We shot not far from where they shot Return of the Jedi. I'm a big Star Wars buff so that really had me excited to be there.

Horror Hotel : Any real-life horror stories you'd like to share from filming out there in the great outdoors?

One of our producers who was a big skeptic of Bigfoot said she saw one while driving to meet us on a second location that we added to the schedule at the last minute. What ever she saw it was on the side of the road and she said it froze in place when she looked at it as they drove past. This is in broad daylight, by the way. When they made it to us she was balling, crying and terrified. She's a believer now. Whether she saw a Sasquatch or not is still debatable but what ever she saw, scared the hell outta her. We have video of her telling us what she saw that we may release at some point... Spooky stuff.. Even skeptics can be turned into believers. lol

Horror Hotel : What brought you to the decision to film using the 'Found Footage' technique?

My Dp, Richard Vialet, and myself are fans of "Found Footage" films and we thought it would be an effective way to tell the story if done right. The one thing I always hated about those films was that the camera work always wanted me to see more. So when we started conceptualizing the style, I wanted it to feel and look like a traditional movie when it came to composing shots but still look very random and true to the found footage style. I blocked extensively with my actors so I could capture various angles and composition all in the "oners" (long continuous takes) but have it still look very organic and spontaneous. I also wanted to make sure that we actually had some good stunts and special effects that would work hand in hand with the style and look very realistic.

Horror Hotel : Buzz for the film is really starting to spread as the release draws nearer. Were you surprised at the overwhelmingly positive attention the project has received at this early stage?

I would be lying if I said I didn't expect a good response and that's all because of the legend of Bigfoot. At the same time you are never 100% sure until it happens. For that, I personally am very humbled and grateful for the growing support.

Horror Hotel : I just learned that 'Bobo' from Animal Planets popular show, 'Finding Bigfoot' has been endorsing your movie. On video no less. How the hell did you guys cross paths, and had he any involvement in the actual filming?

Yes BoBo was a good friend of one of our co-producers, Renee Todd. She had produced a documentary on Bigfoot previously and went out on several expeditions with him. She reached out to him and he signed on as our Technical Advisor for the movie. BoBo is great. He's as much fun as you would expect but at the same time he is very knowledgeable and professional. He knows his stuff. He told us some stories that had our skin crawling and I believe him 100%. We brought him on because we wanted to be authentic and technical to the Bigfoot Legend. We wanted to make sure we didn't piss off Bigfoot experts, enthusiasts and the Bigfoot community as a whole. BoBo made sure we stayed on point. At the same time, this is a thriller, horror movie. I think we stayed true to Bigfoot lore as well as gave horror fans what they are looking for as well. We took our movie in a different direction than the others who are just now starting to do Bigfoot movies. I think people will respect us for this direction and enjoy the movie.

Horror Hotel : Now that THE LOST COAST TAPES is in the can, and ready for release, whats up next for you guys?

My partner, Chevez Frazier, and I have several projects in development. I'm a fan of Horror films so we have another one called "Incident at Bridgewater High" that we are pushing as well as another comedy called "The Misguided Adventures of Dating in Hollywood." We also are preparing a sequel for the "The Lost Coast Tapes" as well as a film that takes us into the world of UFOs.

Horror Hotel : And finally, I have to ask, do you yourself, Corey, believe in the legend of Bigfoot?

After doing all my research to prepare for the shooting of THE LOST COAST TAPES, I met many people, talking with college professors and spoke with many locals. So the answer is yes. Im a believer.

Horror Hotel : Thanks for taking the time to fill us in on your journey, Corey. Can't wait for the release!

My pleasure! Hope you enjoy the show!

Special thanks to Keri Anne Mellot, (TLCT Marketing), for helping me set this interview up! Verry much appreciated!!)

So there you have it folks. Corey's moving onto some very interesting projects, and for now, all we can do is sit tight and wait for the release. I for one, will be front row for this little number.
And as for the aforementioned sneak peak, (and a few words from Bobo)..... just hit play! You know how this works...

Book Review : 'Rot and Ruin' & 'Dust and Decay' by Jonathan Maberry

2012-04-06T07:47:00.001-07:00

What can one say about Jonathan Maberry?

My first fateful encounter with the writing of this guy came when hunting for some 'fresh blood'. I'd exhausted all the works of my favorite authors, having read and re-read my huge collection of degenerate horror fiction more than once. I found myself facing what you could safely call a dry-out. Now, I could easily go back and visit the works of Laymon, Keene, Lee et-all, for the rest of my life and still shuffle of to the big fire a very happy, content soul; but I like to experiment from time to time. Take a dive into unknown waters, if you will. It was on one such excursion into the risky realm of blind book-buying that I stumbled upon his novel, GHOST ROAD BLUES.

The blurb caught me. The artwork caught me, the fucking title caught me, but I had no idea what I was in store for. I soon learned that it was book one it what is now known as Maberry's 'Pine Deep Trilogy'. A series of books that, for me at least, redefined horror literature. The influences were clear, but the execution was mind-blowing. It still stands as the greatest horror epic I've ever read.

Although with ROT AND RUIN, and its sequel, DUST AND DECAY, it's having a helluva fight to hold that accolade. These books, (two parts of a four part tale), take the zombie mythos we all know and love, reinvigorate and reinvent it for a whole new generation.

We've all read Robert Kirkman's THE WALKING DEAD series ( or should have), and few would argue that it represents the very best of what the zombie genre has to offer. Documenting the lives of a group of survivors directly after the zombie apocalypse, and well into their futures, (if they have any), was a no-brainer, and has led to some wonderful characterization, plot-lines and themes. Its an undead fanatics wet dream.

Now, imagine an epic tale set within the realm of a similar apocalypse, yet instead of picking up our characters directly after the worlds gone to shit, (or rot and ruin), we pick up fourteen years later, as whats left of the human race has managed to rebuild the world in some small, desperate image of what it used to be.

Small communities have rebuilt. Etching out a living in the midst of a hellish wasteland that once was America. (and is now referred to by one and all, as the 'Great Rot and Ruin'. Living within fortified 'towns', and trading with similar communities spread throughout the desolation, bands of survivors have created for themselves a vague shadow of the world that once was. Many still remember the events of that long ago night when the dead began to walk, yet just as many were only just children at the time, and have no real grasp of the world beyond the borders of their towns.

It's with one of these children of the new world that Maberry's epic tome concerns itself. A fifteen year old name Benny Imura, who, as we meet him, is finishing his education and has reached 'job age'. The choices for Benny's future employment are none to enticing, and its to his brother, Tom, that he turns to learn the family trade.

Tom, we learn, is a bounty hunter. One of a select group of respected/feared warriors who make their living outside the safety of their towns fences.

Seems like a cool job. But Benny has never left his home, and is about to learn the devastating reality of life in the Great Rot and Ruin, and learn that not all monsters are dead already.

What Maberry has achieved with these two novels is astounding. He's envisioned a fully realized alternate reality that brims with detail, and, (much like 'The Pine Deep Trilogy', has populated it with some of the most complex, interesting and colourful characters to be found anywhere in horror fiction. He's taken the epic sweep of J.R.R. Tolkien's, THE LORD OF THE RINGS, and transferred it to a far darker, more desperate clime. There's a real sense of high adventure in these books, yet there's also an ever-present sense of danger. The shadow of death, and the horrors of an unending post-apocalyptic nightmare, are never far away from the characters we so grow to love.

This is essentially a coming of age tale. Told with the broad sweep of a timeless epic, and punctuated by moments of genuine terror, and real emotional weight.

We follow Benny as he grows from an angry, arrogant teenager into a battle worn soul who's spiritual and emotional scars will never truly heal, and we're with him every pained, desperate step of the way, from youthful innocence into dreadful awareness of the world he and his friends truly inhabit.

The ROT AND RUIN series is regarded as young fiction, and I can see the reasoning behind that. At the center of this spellbinding tale is our young protagonist and his teenage friends. Yet this is no HARRY POTTER or, god forbid, TWILIGHT. This is a tale that treats its young characters, (and any young readers lucky enough to cross its path), with respect, and injects them with genuine humanity. There are as many 'adult' characters as there are teens, and the horror on display is far from lightweight. This is every inch a horror story. Unflinching in its depiction of atrocity, violence and heartbreak. It has a love story, though here the love story is believable, touching and has real significance to the growth of its characters. Its a tragic glimpse into a world too terrible to conceive, that gradually casts shadow after shadow, forcing its heroes into darkness and despair. No, this is no throwaway tale. This is as adult in theme and content as they come. Its never overly gratuitous, but it asks you to travel to some very dark, hopeless places, and refuses to hold your hand along the way.

The first book introduces us to this vivid world, and the second sends us on a one way journey headlong into hell. The ideas of the first book are expanded, the world grows in size and complexity, and the whole thing begins to appear as a bone-fide modern classic, not only with its genre, but within the literary world altogether. Praise be then, that there are still two books to go in this mind-blowing series.

There are far too many moments of brilliance among the two books to mention, so to give you a taster, you can expect : Gladiatorial Arena's pitching the living against the dead, zombie playing cards, epic sword -battles, zombie forests, a legendary wild girl, beautiful and atrocious views and locales, surfer-dudes turned noble warriors, fantastic human villains, beautifully drawn characters who you grow to love as your own, and, towering over all, you have perhaps the most perfect representation of a 'hero' that I've yet come across in modern fiction; Tom Imura. Sage, teacher, leader, moral beacon, and fucking samurai warrior. This is a guy you can get behind. It just doesn't get any better, frankly.

ROT AND RUIN and DUST AND DECAY will take you on a hell-bound thrill ride that never lets up, is filled to the brim with vision, depth and detail, and is guaranteed to leave you with tears running down your face, and a burning desire in your heart to read the next two chapters. Its a tale of hope in a hopeless land, and the lengths that some will go to in order to keep that hope alive. Its beautiful, mature, complex, frightening and a bloody wonderful journey that you'll want to return to again and again.

Where Benny and his friends will go from here, in their search for meaning in this deadened, spiritually and morally devolving world, is a maddeningly tantalizing thought.

And if by the time it's all over with your not a blubbering, tear-soaked mess...your dead already.

10 'BEN' Collectors Cards out of 10

Editorial : Adventures in Horror Fiction

2012-04-05T09:39:00.001-07:00

Something of a personal message to all my fellow horror nuts out there.

Things have been very hectic here of late. My daughter, born in America has finally arrived on my rainswept shores and is now living happily with both her mum and her dear old dad, (who plans to brainwash her with Universal Horror, and Hammer Horror forthwith!). Much time and energy has been spent decorating my once space-age party pad into a civilized family home, yet the real reason for such a slow month last month is that I finally pulled my head out my arse and started taking my own fictional work seriously.

Things are settled now, and the coming months will see more posts than usual. I'm disciplining myself and making time for both my forthcoming horror anthology, and this here strange little Hotel just off the beaten track.

The process of creating my own art once again, (after a long, long hiatus in chemical oblivion), has been a real growing experience, both spiritually and intellectually. Overcoming my sense, (or lack) of self-worth has been quite the challenge, and it's thanks to the positive response for my work here, and the sheer joy of sharing with you guys, that I've found my way out of the forest and into clear fields.

Networking with all my fellow bloggers has been a real eye-opener to the sheer wealth of talent out there who do it for the love, and always with fire in their hands. You know who you are.

In short, your all fucking awesome, bloggers and readers alike. But then, your horror fans, so its a given...

The Horror Hotel will continue to grow, and hopefully the coming months will see some interesting guest reviews, articles and more. I'm looking to set up some tip-top interviews with horror directors, writers and artists, too, that should help bring a little more variety to this place.

Also, I may start a diary of sorts detailing the writing process as I come to terms with it. It'll help me fathom my own thoughts and hopefully be of some interest to you good folks, or not.

Anyway, the night is young and there's horror out there to be relished, so as the sun sets in the west, I bid you a fond farewell, until tomorrow, when I'll be looking at Jonathan Maberry's incredible Zombie epics, ROT AND RUIN, and DUST AND DECAY.

See you all on the dark-side.

Hotel Management.

Upcoming Horror : The Lost Coast Tapes' One-Sheets Revealed...

2012-04-04T10:12:00.001-07:00

Some time back I wrote a small article on a humble, upcoming indie horror film that caught my attention and imagination from the very first. That film was THE LOST COAST TAPES, (you can read the original article here), and even way back then, it had the potential to be a stone cold winner. I had high hopes that these guys could pull it off. A Sasquatch movie in the found-footage mold....count me the fuck in!

Well, time passed slowly and surely, and the airwaves went deathly quiet, as the cast and crew headed off into those beautiful woodland locations. I for one figured the poor bastards had all met their grisly demise out there in the untamed wilds. Perhaps a case of life imitating art, thought I.

I'm glad to say my overactive imagination was taking me for a ride. The team behind the movie, and the movie itself, are all very much alive and in very good shape.

I know they say don't judge a book by it's cover, but I've had a hard-on for this stellar concept for some time now, and when I saw these one-sheets, I just about had a horror flavored geek-gasm. These are some beautiful images, and downright eerie with it. Not only that, but they point to what could be a unique and tantalizing twist in the tale. In a world of unfathomably shit Photoshop nonsense, catching sight of these bad-boys is a damn fine treat. I love them. I actually have the 'impalement' one as my desktop, (also a good conversation piece when folks drop by and see it), and if these images are anything to go by, this film is gonna be a gem.

The dedication of the cast and crew has been evident from the start of this project, and as I said, I've been on-board all the way, but these images just pushed this from, 'this should be a cool film' to 'this is my most anticipated film of the year, bar none'.

The subject, the setting, the shooting style...they all lend themselves to what could possibly be the breakout film of the moment. I hope more people get to see these images. They sure do fire up the imagination.

Anyway, enough of my shit, here's the one-sheets. Get em up on Facebook, Twitter and/or wherever else you hang out and groom teenagers, and lend these guys a hand. After all, they've been going slowly crazy in the wild wild woods for over a year now, so we can enjoy the results....

Review : A Comedy of Terrors (1964)

2012-03-24T09:22:00.002-07:00

Director:

Jacques Tourneur

Writer:

Richard Matheson (screenplay), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Vincent Price, Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff

A COMEDY OF TERRORS tells the tale of Waldo Trumbull, (Price), a 'morally dubious' undertaker trying to keep his business afloat in 19th century New England. His methods are less than noble, (right away we see him preside over a funeral, wait for the attendees to depart, then swiftly proceed to toss their loved one out the coffin into the grave, fill it, and head home with the coffin the grieving family have recently paid for!). Despite his money-making sins, he's still having a hard time keeping the business afloat, not to mention keeping the roof over his head, and alcohol in his belly. When things get too difficult, he decides to kill off his curmudgeonly, and rather insane landlord, (Rathbone), with the help from his none-too-happy assistant, (Lorre). Problem is, he's unaware that his landlord suffers from an affliction that periodically places him in death-like state. Cue much hilarity, high-jinks and farce.

The film finds its legendary director, Jacques Tournier, in an unusually frivolous mood; a million miles from his other forays into the horror genre. His classics, NIGHT OF THE DEMON and THE CAT PEOPLE are still terrifying to this day, but here he's cutting loose, as are all concerned, (the film is written by Richard Matheson, for god's sake).

The film looks and feels like its part of the Corman/Poe/Price pantheon, yet I assure you, it's not. It is an American International Picture, and it has the same charm and atmosphere that the collaborations the aforementioned artists managed to capture with their series; also, it features all three major cast members from Corman's THE RAVEN, (Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Peter Lorre), and even throws in the mighty Basil Rathbone for good measure!

In fact, its THE RAVEN that this film most resembles in tone and delivery. Its high camp comedy, with an undercurrent of darkness that never crosses into anything remotely scary. This can be enjoyed by the kids just as easily as by the adults. It has plenty of slapstick humour, a nice dose of gallows humour and an infectious sense of fun that runs through the whole show.

Just as all the Corman/Poe films looked immaculate, and were all filmed on sets, (with the exception of the final film, THE TOMB OF LIGEIA), COMEDY OF TERRORS is mostly a set-based affair, and is none the less beautiful for it. The colours are vibrant, the sets wonderfully Gothic, and the atmosphere, like the Corman series, replicates the classic Hammer Studios films that came before. Its as enjoyable to look at as it is to watch.

With a cast such as this, A COMEDY OF TERRORS was always going to be worthwhile; that all are so strong here, and more than willing to ham it up for laughs, makes this classic an absolute delight....

Price is unabashedly mean-spirited as Turnbull, a drunk, verbally abusive husband to the wonderfully game Joyce Jameson's 'Amyrillis'. As her somewhat unrealistic illicit love-interest, Lorre knocks it out the park as usual, playing the downtrodden underdog to perfection. Rathbone is perfect as the foil for this distinctly un-dynamic duo's evil plan. He proves to be as adaptive to high-comedy as he is to playing his usual stoic, disciplined characters. And Karloff as the doddering Patriarch is an absolute blast, going all out to play his role for broad laughs, and almost stealing the show in the process.

Watching Price hamming it up as a drunken cad is something to be cherished by all, and its a refreshing contrast to the pair-up with Lorre in THE RAVEN and TALES OF TERROR which saw Lorre play the drunken, boisterous characters to Price's more subdued roles. The two make for a legendary pairing and are as great here as they always were. With the all-star cast surrounding them, you really cant go wrong.

A COMEDY OF TERRORS is a must-see for those who wanted more of the Corman/Poe series, (and lets be honest, who didn't?!), and is a perfect Sunday afternoon matinee movie for an easy-going, fun and frivolous time. It looks, sounds and is performed beautifully, and has an old school innocence that's as infectious today as it ever was. Your kid's will love it, you will love it, and your old-folks will love it. Its a cross generational horror-comedy fit for one and fit for all. If your lucky enough to find it, be sure to treat yourself. Brilliant.

9 Grave-Tossers out of 10

Review : Undocumented (2010)

2012-03-23T23:24:00.003-07:00

Director:

Chris Peckover

Writers:

Chris Peckover, Joe Peterson

Stars:

Scott Mechlowicz, Alona Tal and Yancey Arias

UNDOCUMENTED tell the pitch black tale of a group of American student film-makers who travel to Mexico in order to produce a documentary that details the plight of illegal immigrants, including a fly-on-the-wall look at the actual border crossing itself. As the group of students and a busload of Mexicans make their way into the Us, however, they are captured and detained by a militant extremist group from America, who have taken it upon themselves to rid the country of the 'scourge of immigration'. When they learn that six of the captives are American, and making a documentary, the decide that the kids will document their story, and deliver their message to the world, or suffer the consequences.

First time Writer/Director, Chris Peckover has crafted a debut film that really does impress. It seems to have gotten lost among the myriad torture porn bullshit that the genre has been flooded in, in recent years, but it's much more than just another HOSTEL rip-off. Actually, its far, far better than HOSTEL could ever hope to be, and has a great deal more intelligence and darkness to boot.

UNDOCUMENTED takes the whole concept of found footage movies in an entirely different direction. There is much shaky-cam and night-vision here, but there is also a great deal of traditional film-making on display. The fact the villains of the piece, (more on them later), are demanding to be filmed brings a new take on the material. This is less, 'found footage', than it is, 'forced footage'. Its a very stylish film from a shooting standpoint, as we switch constantly from in-camera shots to wide shots, directorial flourishes and fade-in/outs. It feels like this could really happen. Not only in terms of cinematic realism, but in terms of actually happening.

As a look at illegal immigration, the film does a wonderful job of setting up its central conceit. We spend enough time in the company of these desperate people to be able to fully relate to their situation. Have we all crossed borders illegally? Of course not, but we do all wish for the best of life, for ourselves and for our loved ones. Its easy to find empathy for the journey these people undergo.

The writing here is very smart too. We don't get a great deal of background on any character, and so in some ways they can seem one dimensional, but the fact that the focus is on the situation itself, is what garners our sympathy, hope and fear. Seeing the simple act of a father comforting his child during such frightening circumstances, speaks volumes, and really does hit hard. It matters not that we're unaware of his history. He's simply a father trying to protect and do whats best for his daughter, and that in itself is as recognisable to the human heart as anything I can think of. As we follow these folks from hope and happiness, through tension and doubt and into outright terror and despair, we feel every blow, emotionally and physically. This is not an easy watch.

Early scenes detailing the crossing of the border are tense enough, yet when things quickly go from bad to hellish, the film drags us into a pit of hopelessness that few horror films of recent times have achieved. Theres a sense of anger in the way UNDOCUMENTED is put together as a piece, and a sense of determination by all involved to stick to their guns and not shy away from the intent. All the actors do their jobs with complete conviction, the violence is very hard-hitting, and the message is as depressing as it is thought provoking. This is horror.

Whereas a film like SAW or HOSTEL, (and I do enjoy those films), go for the gore, and use the pretence of having a socio-political message behind them; UNDOCUMENTED heads in the opposite direction. It has a strong, and well developed message, and uses its violence to punctuate the areas it hopes to illuminate. That there is no easy answer to the questions it poses makes it all the more terrifying. We've all seen backwoods redneck movies, but how about one where the redneck aren't backwoods, and are, in fact, as smart and organised as they are intolerant and hateful? The fact that the villains here are very recognisable to people from all nations really does help sell the idea that we are one step away from this behaviour in our own societies. Scary, thought provoking stuff.

Between scenes of torment and tribulation for the captive immigrants, we're treated, (a poor choice of words), to a number of scenes of dialogue that explain the motivations behind our group of racist, wrapped-in-the-flag captors, and it all makes for vividly disturbing viewing. These motivations are expressed, mostly, by the group leader, a formidable, unnamed and utterly terrifying 'angry american' played by the ever scary Peter Stormare. We never see his face, but the character himself is a canvas for the ideas shared, unfortunately, by so many around the world. Few would go to the extremes he goes to, but its easy to project your own experiences and encounters with these types of 'people' onto the darkness of his mask. On the other side, the American students are far removed from the usual dipshits we see in these films, and are compassionate, smart and decent young people, who are horrified to be a part of this nightmare. All the parts are cast very well, and while the very early scenes will have you assuming these kids are your usual cliches, you soon come to realise that they really represent you and me, ( I hope). Those of us who are tolerant, and understanding. Which makes it all the more sickening, as you witness what they witness, (and it really does go down into the darkness). The only downside is that a few characters fates are a little confused, or at least appeared to be on first viewing. What we do witness though is harsh, disgusting and tragic.

UNDOCUMENTED is a very hard watch. It has scenes that will stick with you, stubbornly, long after the film has ended. As a socio-political piece, it's the best I've seen since the equally intelligent TERRITORIES. As a horror movie, its a visceral, gut-wrenching experience almost from the get-go, and as a thriller, its final act is bristling with energy, tension and fear. Don't expect to enjoy yourself with this one, but if you can stomach some realistic, unflinching and heartbreaking horror, look no further. Also, it ends with a long shot and a monologue that is among the most chilling conclusions Ive seen to a movie in a long, long time. UNDOCUMENTED deserves a much wider audience than its so far received, and that means YOU!

9 Human Scarecrows out of 10

Horror Hotel Cinema : Vincent Price's Dracula- The Great Undead (1985)

2012-03-23T03:04:00.001-07:00

Something a little different for your viewing tonight, folks.

Question : What do you get when you combine the wonderfully dark origins of Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula, and one of the few undisputed kings of classic horror? What you get is an hour of sheer, uncut awesome; a history lesson delivered with that brilliant wit, insight, gentle humor and spooky camp that is so unmistakably Mr Price.

In truth, I could listen to the man read a grocery list and still be grinning like a fool, so having the rich history of Dracula, from factual figure to literary horror, and all the way to silver screen icon; is one hell of treat. I'm sure most of you will agree.

Somewhat surprisingly, the documentary doesn't skimp on the violent, grim wordplay while charting the rise of the infamous Vlad. As was so often the case, Vincent has his tongue firmly in cheek, yet theres some dark material here to get your teeth into, (pun, sadly, intended). As things progress, you'll be treated also to some nice snippets from classic cinema, including some real rarities that are all but forgotten, (though still loved by some). It's wonderful to see scenes from the Hitchcock inspired, RETURN OF DRACULA sharing screen-time with the usual suspects. These little moments of care and attention really help the whole show go down smooth, (aided in no small part by Mr Price's velvet tones). The whole thing is just a delight.

So, with no further nonsense from me, I ask you to join me in a toast. To Vincent......we will remember you, always, old friend.

Review : Night of the Living Dead 3D- Re-Animation (2012)

2012-03-19T03:00:00.001-07:00

Director:

Jeff Broadstreet

Writers:

Jeff Broadstreet, Robert Valding

Stars:

Andrew Divoff, Jeffrey Combs and Sarah Lieving

After inheriting the family mortuary, a pyrophobic mortician accidentally exposes hundreds of un-cremated bodies to toxic medical waste. As the corpses re-animate, the mortician's inheritance-seeking younger brother unexpectantly shows up, stumbling upon a full zombie outbreak!
Andrew Divoff. Jeffrey Combs...

Those names above are two of a very select few reasons anyone could ever conjure up to entice me to watch a film titled NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, these days. Since Tom Savini's excellent re-working of George Romero's classic game-changer, its been a downward spiral into serious shitsville. You gotta feel sorry for poor old George. Having been royally fucked over by the system and watching his masterpiece fall into the dreaded 'Public Domain', where it can be reworked, re-envisioned, remade and fucked in its already tormented ass just that little bit deeper.

I still have sour taste in my mouth from purchasing the 'Dead Trilogy' only to find it featured a '25 Anniversary Edition' of NOTLD. My eyeballs, (and possibly my eternal soul), are scarred to this day. Romero's classic had been tampered with to the point of destroying the film entirely; new and godawful music, new and utterly fucking terrible scenes and continuity that would make Ed Wood blush, made a mockery of the dark nihilism that Romero's wonderful film evoked. It hurt me like a swift kick to the balls, so I can only imagine the sheer volume of Scotch that was downed at the Romero house when that little ditty found its way into the public realm. Romero's a chill guy, but someone doing that to your art would drive anyone to alcohilism.

Then there was a remake, (I use the term very loosely), a few years back that managed to make that shitty 'Anniversary Edition' look like CITIZEN KANE. It starred Sid Haig and, well, that's all I can tell you. I got twenty minutes into that nightmare and ran for the fucking hills. There was also vaguely clever little art project film a ways back called NOTLD- RE-ANIMATED, which used a variety of art forms and featured a plethora of techniques to recreate the original films images, beat for beat. Its was a nice little curio, I admit, but nothing more. Sort of like that pointless PSYCHO remake, but using stick figures and play-dough.

Now, this here film I just sat through, is neither a remake/sequel to Romero's film or a sequel to the animation experiment I just described. I don't know what it is, but it sure ain't got anything to do with the 'Dead' movies. Its a shame that the title can be used so readily to sell a product, because other than zombies, this is a whole new deal.

As I mentioned, those two actors are among the very few things that could draw my attention to such a project, and I hate to admit it, but I'm glad they did. This is by no means a great film, or even a good one, but looked at on its own terms, (and with having nothing to do with NOTLD), its actually a bareable little time-waster for its chosen clientelle.

We're in straight-up DTV land here, so if you don't like how the water smells, you'd best get out now. If your a fan of tongue-in-cheek, cheesy, low-rent nonsense however; there are a few reasons to dip your toe's in.

Of course, the two actors, both of whom are of pretty high standing in the horror community, are always worth a watch. Jeffrey Combs, (whose best known film THE RE-ANIMATOR also has nothing to do with this film, other than cashing in on the title), is a fan favourite, and has starred in far too many horror films to mention here; Andrew Divoff is best known for his enjoyably over-the-top turn as the WISHMASTER in the popular series of films, he's also popped up in the CALL OF DUTY gaming franchise to lend his gravelly tones to proceedings.

It's going to be hard to resist, for any indie horror fan, to not wanna check out these two on-screen together, and it is a real kick to see them bounce off each other. A low-rent, Pacino and De-Niro HEAT face-off, if you like. Divoff is hilarious and puts in a frankly brilliant performance as the long-suffering Mortician, and as his Right-Wing brother, Combs brings his usual stern weirdness into play. Watching these cats act up a storm in such comedic fashion is, (for some among us), just irresistible. Your brain is telling you turn this shit off, but the goofy grin on your face just won't let you hit the 'stop' button.

There's some surprisingly worthy gore in here, too, considering the shoestring budget. Looks like the production team put some real effort into making the best of what they had. The dreaded CG blood rears its ugly head, but theres some decent in-shot carnage in here to keep the pace from completely running on empty. The sets are fun, too, especially the enjoyable old-school graveyard where some zombie chums roam.

The film also has a nice, if puerile, sideline in political humour. Its clear than right-wing politics are not beloved in this dojo. There are numerous pokes at that bastion of intellect, Sarah Palin, a funny zombie dig at Dick-head Cheney and some other obvious, not-very-clever-but-still-occasionally-funny gags at the expense of the Republican party.

Where the film truly falters is in its script. Theres far too much time spent with sideline characters who hold no interest to the viewer whatsoever, and are often poorly performed. The plot really doesn't go anywhere. The budget may have stretched to some nice prosthetics work here and there, but it sadly didn't allow for a great deal of zombie action. Instead we get some funny, well acted scenes from our leads, battling for screen time with our bland plot and empty supporting cast. It sucks to have to rag on a film that has such a sense of good intent behind it, but it's really just not got much going for it.

It all amounts to a whole lot of not much, sadly. These few little glimmers of light aren't enough to save what is essentially a poorly paced, flatly acted, (other than the obvious) and excitement-free movie. If your not a fan of the two leads, you may want to pass this one over. As hard as the cast and crew have tried, (and I give them all credit for it), this one is really only for those of you who recognise the names on the DVD case. If your curious as to why these guys are so well thought of in the horror community, I suggest you catch WISHMASTER, RE-ANIMATOR/THE FRIGHTENERS. As great as they are here, the film surrounding them really isn't up to scratch. It scores points for some great acting, and a real sense of ramshackle care that seems to have went into the production, but a good film, it ain't.

In truth, you already know if your the type this film will appeal to. You don't need me or any other critic telling you how the wind blows. I personally had some fun with it, despite its many shortcomings, though others will find the whole thing excruciating. I can't in good conscience mark this one high, but that should make it no less tempting to indie-lovers out there.

Have fun, or don't.

3 Papa Zombies out of 10

Review : The Awakening (2011)

2012-03-16T00:17:00.001-07:00

Director:

Nick Murphy

Writers:

Stephen Volk, Nick Murphy

Stars:

Rebecca Hall, Dominic West and Imelda Staunton

1921 England is overwhelmed by the loss and grief of World War I. Hoax exposer Florence Cathcart visits a boarding school to explain sightings of a child ghost. Everything she knew in unravels as the 'missing' begin to show themselves.

From the opening moments, Nick Murphy's THE AWAKENING sets its stall as a refreshingly old school, ghost story; the likes of which we rarely see anymore. It has that quintessential M.R James feel that only comes from the shores of the UK, and even then, rarely works as effectively as it does here. While billed as a horror film, THE AWAKENING really doesn't feel like one. Supernatural? Yes. Period drama with Gothic overtones? Definitely. Theres little here by way of genuine fear, though. This is as gentle and subtle, (for the most part) as our genre gets, and that's no bad thing here.

The film evokes fond memories of classic Hammer Productions, with its lavish sets and gentile English manner. Its charming from the very first moments, and boasts some beautifully atmospheric music to help set the somewhat sombre tone that carries the film through. We open on a seance taking place in turn of the century London, and boy does it look the part. In fact, the scene is effectively frightening up until the reveal, where it cleverly and quickly turns it gaze onto our central character. What we have here is a study of grief, loss and guilt, masquerading as a horror story. And it works.

As our lead, Rebecca Hall brings complexity and quiet sadness to her role as a determined, driven woman who carries an emotional burden that weighs heavy on her soul. She's a woman looking for understanding. A seeker wearing the clothes of a skeptic. It becomes clear very early on that each hoax she exposes, represents yet another scar on her soul. She's battling disbelief, searching for illumination and running from some formidable demons of her own.

While the beautiful, refined Hall carries the lions share of the burden, the rest of the cast are very strong too. The kids who populate the school have some strikingly well delivered scenes, and the vastly underused, and always excellent Dominic West is perfect as the kindly, damaged war veteran. His role here is a million miles from the awesome bad-assery he displayed in CENTURION, and if his character is really little more than romantic foil on paper; he brings it to vivid life. It helps too, that the chemistry between our two leads is palpable, and that you actually give a shit about their fates.The icing on the cake is a pained and delicate performance by HARRY POTTER star Imelda Staunton, as the schools nanny/cook/maid. All good stuff. Its the interactions of these characters, and Rebecca Hall's spiritual plight that are truly the central conceit of the film, not the familiar ghost story she finds herself wrapped up in.

There are a few moments that may bring genuine chills, though. The supernatural elements are few and far between in the opening half, yet do ramp up a little by the time we reach the middle mark. All the usual suspects are correct and present, (faces in mirrors, children's laughter, blurred and half-perceived spooks), and its all very ably done. Those who spend a lot of time around horror will see almost every moment coming, and it may prove a little too gentle for the viewer looking for the fear, though it does work in the context of the movies tone. Anyone who's been lucky enough to view Del Toro's THE DEVILS BACKBONE, or his production of THE ORPHANAGE will have seen this ghost house done with far more darkness, and tension. Whereas THE ORPHANAGE scares us half to hell, and then broke our hearts int its tender finale, THE AWAKENING feels tender all the way through. Its simply not very scary, although there is one startling scene involving a miniature representation of the films boarding school location, that struck me as genuinely original and creepy as hell. Its the standout scene in terms of horror, and the film would have benefited from more of these moments. Luckily the drama makes up for its shortcomings as a fright machine.

With its period setting, restrained performances and striking visuals, this feels like a the sort of high quality drama the BBC were once known for, many years ago. Think the BBC's televised version of THE WOMAN IN BLACK (1989), minus the soul-freezing terror, and you'll get the idea. Theres a great deal of strong storytelling going on here, and its all very engaging on its own terms. The atmospheric, (and very beautiful), 'haunted school' is simply a visual and ascetic bonus. This is all about character, and old fashioned storytelling, That the mystery behind the ghostly goings on is vaguely unsatisfying, it doesn't really hurt the piece, as its saved by the journeys its characters find themselves on. Theres real heart here, and some very touching, delicate and saddening moments for the more sensitive viewer to chew on, while the finale, where all the plot strands converge and the mysteries are revealed, still manages to be ambiguous, and leaves some lingering ideas and questions for the perceptive among us.

THE AWAKENING will surely divide horror fans as it feels aimed at a more mature, discerning audience whose tastes reach to Hammer, period drama and old school ghost stories. It's a very palatable change in pace from such hell-for-leather spook-house films such as INSIDIOUS, though, and recalls some of the finer moments of British television. With THE WOMAN IN BLACK (2012) knocking them dead at the box-office, and THE AWAKENING DVD release riding hot on its heels, it looks like we may be seeing a change in the flavor of British horror; a turning back of the clocks, if you will. And I for one, wholly welcome it.

7 Haunted Dollhouses out of 10

Horror Hotel Cinema - Phantasm (1979)

2012-03-15T04:41:00.001-07:00

Welcome.

For most of you guys, this stone cold classic will need no introduction. The word 'Phantasm' has become synonymous with flying silver balls that drill through the brain, eerie crematoriums and, of course, the frightening image of 'The Tall Man'. A character that's every bit as beloved and respected in the annals of horror cinema as Jason, Myers, Freddy et all.

This here, the first of the four films in the series, is arguably the finest also, (some do prefer the more action oriented sequel). It kick started Don Coscarelli's career, and marked him out as a bold and original talent in the horror field. By blending science fiction and horror in such a surreal and nightmarish manner, he broke all the rules, and gave the herb-clouded year of 1979 one of its truly classic works.

Thought provoking, creepy, and down right fucking weird; PHANTASM stands tall (pun intended), as an ingenuous, loopy trip into uncharted, bonkers territory, and its a great now as it was then. How could it not be? It has flying death-balls, compressed undead humans, parallel dimensions, a scary as hell big tall bastard, and a completely unnecessary acoustic jamming scene with an ice-cream man and a Han-solo lookialike. Its the late 70's, man. Get down on it.

Review (Horror Short) - Familiar (2011)

2012-03-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Director:

Richard Powell

Writer:

Richard Powell

Stars:

Robert Nolan, Astrida Auza and Cathryn Hostick

Its amazing what you can accomplish in a mere twenty four minutes..

FAMILIAR, running barely longer than an episode of FAMILY GUY, manages to draw us into its main characters world completely, and bring us a fully formed, expertly realised portrait of a man on the verge of complete mental collapse; overtaken by discontent. It's an incredible achievement.

As we open, we're introduced to our protagonist, via unflinching close ups and a truly unnerving voice-over that serves as a window into his worldview. John, we soon learn, is a man who has a serious attitude problem. This guy has it all, a beautiful daughter, an attentive loving wife, a charming home and a serviceable job, but John ain't happy. Not one bit. Luckily, John has a plan..

What we're dealing with here is a disturbing psychological study of a man teetering on the very edge of the abyss, drowning in his own disappointment and his lack of anything even resembling self worth. The guys a mess, and while his life sure as hell ain't a Rolling Stones concert, Circa 1969 , its far from the hellish nightmare poor John perceives it to be. This is AMERICAN BEAUTY meets SHIVERS. A body-horror-head-fuck that looks closely at a mid-life crisis gone pathologically wrong. Its horror, but for a short, its far more concerned with the intricacies of its characters than blood, gore and fear. That FAMILIAR manages to portray a fully rounded family portrait and provide the viewer a satisfyingly gut-wrenching, (especially during the vomit-inducing finale), experience in the time it takes to knock one out, is something that should be studied in film schools the world over.

Director/writer, Richard Powell is clearly a man in possession of great talent. His script is razor sharp, jet black funny, heartbreaking and often poetic, and he's somehow managed to make this micro-budgeted work of genius look like a million bucks, helped in no small part by a fucking flawless lead performance by Robert Nolan, as the dangerously tormented dad.

A film of such quiet, controlled restraint would fall utterly flat were its lead not up to the task, and Nolan hits every beat with quiet perfection. As almost all of the script creeps into our psyche in the form of voice-over, his role is practically mute, yet his weathered, everyman looks, and his penetrating stare invites us deep into Johns fucked up soul. The guy was born for the screen, and we should be seeing a whole lot more of him in the coming months and years. This guys amazing, comparable to the mighty Min-Sik Choi of I SAW THE DEVIL and OLDBOY fame.

As Johns completely unsuspecting wife, Charlotte. Astrida Auza is deeply touching. Again, very little dialogue, masses of depth. The central conceit that pushes John over the edge, (a revelation by Charlotte that I won't give away here), really lends to the tragedy of her character, and for any parents out there, especially those who are expecting, FAMILIAR can be a very unpleasant experience.

This is horror though, and unpleasantness is what you came for. If the central plots layered study of moral choices, hope and mental disintegration isn't enough, the blood soaked symbology of the finale will land the deciding punch. The last five minutes are a demented dive into holds barred, body-horror madness, replete with some excellent/repulsive effects work.

FAMILIAR is horror done just right. A short that spends its entire time whispering evil nothings in your ear. And a story that will follow you to into sleep, and leave troubled dreams in its wake. Nasty, merciless and unmissable.

9 Inner Struggles out of 10

The Horror Hotel

Horror Hotel Cinema : Night of the Eagle (1962)

Editorial : Twilight Zone Pinball

Review : Vessel (2012) - Short film

Horror Hotel Cinema : The Giant Claw (1957)

Review : Son of Dracula (1943)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Horror Hotel Cinema : Halloween - A Cut Above the Rest ( Documentary)

Review : Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Directors:

Writers:

Stars:

Review : Piranha 3D (2010)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Review : The Devil Inside (2012)

Guest Post/ Promo : Vanessa Morgon

Review : The Troll Hunter (2010)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Promo : The Asylum

Review : The Divide (2011)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Review : The Wicker Tree (2012)

Writers:

Stars:

Exclusive : Interview with THE LOST COAST TAPES Director, Corey Grant

Book Review : 'Rot and Ruin' & 'Dust and Decay' by Jonathan Maberry

Editorial : Adventures in Horror Fiction

Upcoming Horror : The Lost Coast Tapes' One-Sheets Revealed...

Review : A Comedy of Terrors (1964)

Director:

Writer:

Stars:

Review : Undocumented (2010)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Horror Hotel Cinema : Vincent Price's Dracula- The Great Undead (1985)

Review : Night of the Living Dead 3D- Re-Animation (2012)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Review : The Awakening (2011)

Director:

Writers:

Stars:

Horror Hotel Cinema - Phantasm (1979)

Review (Horror Short) - Familiar (2011)

Director:

Writer:

Stars: