1. This is a fairly remarkable claim: Charlie Sheen says he was sober during his meltdown last year. You remember, he coined the phrase winning, boinged a couple triple-x pornstars, whom he called his “goddesses” .

Yeah. He was sober during that meltdown. Kind of like former Senator Larry Craig was straight while he was having anonymous gay sex in airport men’s rooms all across America.

2. Speaking of circus sideshows. Roger Clemens was found not guilty on all counts of perjury, and still maintains that he’s never used performance-enhancing drugs.

The court of public opinion isn’t sold though, so the Rocket reportedly is seeking redemption, and is considering posing for Playgirl to prove his innocence.

Because the proof is definitely in the pudding pop and bon bons, so to speak.

3. Rielle Hunter is in the news. Everyone’s all-time least-fav home wrecker. In a recent interview, Hunter expressed an interest in starring on a reality tv show.

The only channel to express interest thus far is the E! Channel, because aside from Jerry Sandusky and Casey Anthony, there are very  few people in the country who make the Kardashian’s seem likeable, and Riele Hunter may be one of those people.

4.  Yeah. Jerry Sandusky. The verdict finally came in, and he was found guilty on 45 of 48 counts and will almost certainly spend the rest of his life in prison. So, that’s something to cheer about. Shortly after the verdict was announced, Sandusky was trending on twitter, which you would expect.

And many people also expect that shortly after he arrives in prison, Sandusky’s back-side will be trending there.

So, that’s what you might call karma, by way of Bubba.

5. In other, happier gay-related news, Mary Cheny — daughter of Dick Cheney — married her longtime partner over the weekend. Dick has actually been very supportive of his daughter. However, things definitely got off to a rocky start after she first came out the closet, and Dick had her waterboarded a couple of times, just to see if he could prompt a conversion.

Then, things started to improve a bit, but reportedly about 10-years later, he blamed his daughter Mary for his first FOUR heart attacks. I think he’d had about 7 at that point.

Then, when he was President, Dick blamed the weapons of mass destruction miscue on Mary, which was definitely a bit of a stretch. But now, he’s come a long way. And of course, these are all jokes, because Dick Cheney does support gay marriage now, and supports his daughter. So, the man does have at least ONE redeeming quality.

A Day in the Life of a Donkey (or Elephant)

Background: All four of these could be stand-alone advertisements. They’re of the humorous variety, which will PROMOTE SHARING on social media sites. Humor can be dangerous, but considering the absolute JOKE that congress has become, I think humor will be more effective in this election cycle than it is in most. Could be made fairly cheaply.

Moreover, I think that humorous/viral content probably gives you the best chance to become a bigger part of the campaign discussion.

Anyway, in this ad, we SATIRIZE THE TYPICAL DAY OF A DONKEY OR ELEPHANT.

Part 1: Serving the People

It starts with the candidate in their OFFICE, offering favors in exchange for campaign contributions. Also, time-permitting, you could have them talk about their schedule — MINIMIZING THE IMPORTANCE OF A CONGRESSIONAL HEARING and begrudging the fact that they have to attend that hearing.

Part 2: Hey, Harry…How are We Voting on this One?

After that, we go to a CONGRESSIONAL HEARING, and show the BORED CANDIDATE asking his leader something like: “Hey, Harry. How are we voting on this one?” Then he admits that he hasn’t even bothered reading the bill.

Part 3: Cocktail Hour (2:30 PM)

Then, we go to a CONGRESSIONAL COCKTAIL PARTY, where the politicians discuss their party’s dirty laundry: drunken-sailor spending, being in bed with lobbyists, just wanting to keep their job, ostracizing fellow party-members who vote against them and the establishment. If this ad were done independently, you potentially say something like: “with your help, I’ll crash this party.”

Part 4: Sleeping with Scoundrels

Finally, we end in the CONGRESSMAN’S BED. In bed with him is a LOBBYIST, of course, and money’s exchanged for a moral compromise by the congressman.

Other Ideas – RE: Independence

Why I’m Not a Democrat

Explain why you’re not a democrat in a you tube video. Fairly straightforward. I’m sure there are plenty of legitimate reasons (fiscal irresponsibility, a big government proclivity, in bed with lawyers, big labor, etc). Perhaps try making it PUNCHY and a bit HUMOROUS so people will be inclined to SHARE.

This is obviously a common approach for independents…

If you want to be a bit more polemic, you could title the video something like, “How the Democratic Party Has Betrayed America.”

Why I’m Not a Republican

Again, plenty of good reasons.

RELATED: You could have a direct mail campaign with the headline, Why I’m Running as an Independent. Then, maybe have the picture of the congressman in bed with the lobbyist.

I think that explaining the evils of both parties would be a good place to start en-route to legitimacy.

Pledging Allegiance to the People

You’d emphasize that you’d like the privilege of serving them, and pledge to do just that. Emphasize the corruption on the hill, the fact that most politicians allegiances are to special interests, etc. Say something like: Both parties have betrayed the American People. Pledge to be different than the rest of them.

Shrink’s Office

Have a stereotypical republican and stereotypical democrat arguing in a shrink’s office. Cartoonish. Petty. If you want to go the VIRAL, somewhat racy route, you could imply that it’s a GAY COUPLE. Then, perhaps have the shrink say something like: “What about the kids? Shouldn’t you be thinking about them, instead of fighting all the time?”

Congressmen: “Kids. What kids?”

Shrink: “Sorry. I mean the American people — the people you’re supposed to be working for..”

Then, both admit to not be thinking about them.

Corruption (Street Interviews)

Could be some cheap, MAN-ON-THE-STREET gold here…

Ask people the question: “What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘corruption’?”

I’ll bet a pretty high percentage of them will say, “politicians.”

Ask a few follow ups:

“Do you think one party is better than the other?”
“Who’s more corrupt: a gangster or a politician?”

That kind of thing. Then, use the BEST RESPONSES in the video.

Conclusion

Anyway, that’s just one brainstorming session. Plenty more where that came from. Sorry if it got a bit jumbled. Drop me a line.

1. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning in Los Angles, after a paparazzi taking pictures of the pop-star claimed that he was roughed up by Bieber.

He’ll probably be fine. I doubt he’ll have to do any time. But, if he does get sent to prison, there’s no doubt that he’ll be just as popular among the inmates as he is among tweens. So, that’s the good news.

2. The Golden Gate Bridge celebrated its 75th birthday over the weekend.

It was a great celebration. There was Beer and BBQ and fireworks and lots of fun for everyone involved. Well, almost everyone. Unfortunately, a few people got drunk and sentimental — like they often do at parties — and some of those folks ended up doing belly-flops into the bay. So, that’s not good.

Probably some disgruntled facebook investors…

I don’t have any joke for that, other than facebook itself, which has become a joke in its own right.

3. Anyway, speaking of celebrations — It was memorial day yesterday. So, once again, thank God for all our Troops who have kept us safe here for these past 236 years. Mitt Romney did a lot pf celebrating yesterday, too. Yeah. It was a very big day for the Republican nominee, and we actually have some pictures chronicling how the former Governor spent his holiday. So, here we go with a little slideshow here:

First, Mitt put on his best pair of patriotic-themed magic underpants.

(show a pic)

Then he put on a pair of mom jeans, and tucked his shirt into his magic underpants.

(show a pic)

Then, he packed up his suitcase and strapped the family-dog to the roof of his car

(Show another pic)

Then he and the family headed off for a little vacation — well-deserved, he’s been working hard. I think he went to the lakes.

(go to the bizarre clip of Mitt saying he loves the lakes — the big ones and little ones. Perhaps do a faux interview with him — ask him what he likes about the lakes, show him saying: ‘the trees are the right height’).

Then finally, Mitt did a little bit of singing to cap off a great holiday weekend. And I think we have a clip

(show him singing ‘God Bless America’)

4. John Edwards didn’t have a very happy memorial day, though. The jury’s still deliberating. I think it’s like the 8th day they’ve been at it. And we actually received exclusive access to the jury’s deliberations. And now, we’re gonna show you a few highlights...

(into the deliberation room. Cut in and out)

Caption: Day One

Juror 1: God, he is such a scumbag.

Pan around to the other jurors, NODDING in agreement.

fade out…imply time passage

Caption: Day Two

Juror 2: I can’t believe what a scumbag this guy is.

Same deal. Show nodding, evidence examinations, etc. Let people improvise.

fade out

Caption: Day Four

Juror 3: You look up ‘scumbag’ in the dictionary, and this pretty-boy’s picture’s gonna come up.

Nodding. People agreeing.

fade out

Caption: Day 6

Juror 1: (angrily) This guy is such a bleeping scumbag.

Frustrated agreement.

fade out

Caption: Today

Juror 2: Alright, now that we’ve got that out of our system, I guess we should get to work here. He’s guilty of being a scumbag, but we need to figure out how to rule on the rest of these counts.

5. Speaking of politicians who can’t keep it in their pants, Former President Bill Clinton’s in the news, also. Yeah. President Clinton threw a campaign event in New York city, on behalf of current-President Obama, and many attendees reported that event was quote: “the worst party ever.”

But Clinton insiders reported that those claims were categorically false though, because there’s no way any party could be worse than  the  1995 sex-party that Clinton co-hosted with former House-Speaker, Newt Gingrich.

Caption: Slick Willie and the fat, horny prick.

Plain text = Less-important parts of joke set-ups and punchlines

Bold text = Joke set-ups

Underlined Text = Punchlines

Italicized Text – Segues and notes

My best/favorite late-night jokes are as follows:

Jokes from 5/18

1. In the first three months of this year, over 200,000 people were stopped and frisked by the NYPD, which is a new record. Critics claim that the friskings go way too far, and are an invasion of privacy.

And Tim Tebow agrees. Shortly after being traded to the Jets and moving to New York City, Tebow was stopped and frisked so vigorously, he thought he’d finally lost his virginity.

2. In a recent interview, Justin Beiber admitted to enjoying beer occasionally,  but says he doesn’t have a drinking problem. Then in that same interview, 18-year-old Beiber also said he’s never recorded a bad song,

At that point, members from his entourage did the right thing, and promptly had the pop star checked in at the Betty Ford Center.

 Because he was clearly drunk off his you know what if he thought that.

Jokes from 5/29

1. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning in Los Angles, after a paparazzi taking pictures of the pop star claimed that he was roughed up by Bieber.

Justin will probably be fine. It doesn’t look like he’ll have to do any time. But, if he does get sent to prison, he’ll be just as popular among the inmates as he is among tweens. So, that’s the good news.

2. The Golden Gate Bridge celebrated its 75th birthday over the weekend.

It was a great celebration. There was Beer and BBQ and fireworks and lots of fun for everyone involved. Well, almost everyone….Unfortunately, a few people got drunk and sentimental, and ended up doing belly flops into the bay. So, that’s not good.

Probably some disgruntled facebook investors…

3. Did you hear about this? The jury in the John Edwards case is still deliberating.  I believe it’s the 8th day they’ve been at it. And we actually received exclusive access to the jury’s deliberations. And now, we’re gonna show you a few highlights...

(fade in and out. show jurors looking at evidence, etc)

Caption: Day One

Juror 1: God, he is such a scumbag.
Pan around to the other jurors, NODDING in agreement.

Caption: Day Two

Juror 2: I can’t believe what a scumbag this guy is.

Same deal. Show nodding. Let people improvise.

Caption: Day Four

Juror 3: You look up ‘scumbag’  in the dictionary, and this pretty boy’s picture’s gonna come up.

Nodding. People agreeing.

Caption: Day 6

Juror 1: (ENRAGED) This guy is such a bleeping scumbag.

Frustrated agreement.

Caption: Today

Bailiff: Has the jury reached a verdict yet

Juror 2: Yeah, I think we have. The guy’s guilty of being the biggest (bleeping) scumbag I’ve ever come across.

Baliff: Have you reached a verdict on all six counts?

Juror 3 (looks around): Guess we got caught up in the ‘scumbag’ conversation. We’re gonna need some more time…

Jokes from 5/20

1. Mick Jagger hosted SNL over the weekend. He was both the host and musical guest, actually, so that’s a lot of responsibility for one person. He ended up doing a great job, but it almost didn’t happen.

Thankfully though, the powers-that-be ultimately agreed to let Mick out of the old folks home after hours. And really, he did a dynamite job.

2. Speaking of people who can’t get no satisfaction, did you hear about the man in Tennessee who, at 33, has already fathered 30 children to eleven different women.

Not surprisingly, shortly after this story broke, liberals were officially able to claim victory in the war on contraception.

Jokes from 5/14

1. Maybe you heard that Ron Paul has stopped actively campaigning for the 2012 presidential race.

A. Yeah. Disappointing to a lot of people. Shortly after the news broke, thousands of shocked and disappointed Ron Paul supporters dropped their bongs.

’cause they like to smoke weed…

(optional: shattering glass SFX)

2. President Obama had a busy weekend. He delivered the commencement speech at Barnard College in New York.

Of course, as usual, right-wing commentators were dismissive of the president’s speech at the prestigious all-female university. Predictably, Rush Limbaugh made the most offensive comment of the day, calling Barnard College, quote: “Columbia’s ugly lesbo kid sister.”

Jokes from 5/7

1. Maybe you saw it this weekend, Floyd Mayweather won his big bout in Las Vegas, and successfully defended his championship belt. 

Yeah. Great fight. It was  a bittersweet victory though, because Mayweather will be heading to prison in few weeks, and you know what that means: he’s either going to have to win a whole lot more fights, or for security purposes,  find a special fella to settle down with temporarily.

Or…

Mayweather successfully defended his belt.

But as you know, he’s heading to prison in a few weeks. So, when he gets there, he’ll still be defending his belt, but this time he’ll be defending it from inmates trying to strip him down and F%$% him.. (The HBO version).

Optional caption: Asshole Defense.

2.  Yeah, speaking of sex and people who should be in jail. Everyone remember the octomom?

Well, it turns out that the octomom is broke. So broke, that the mother of 16 — yeah, she’s given birth to 16 kids — recently shot her first porn movie. Yeah. It was a solo scene, if you know what I mean.

And unfortunately for some of you — all of you, actually–  the octomom porno is only going to be available in widescreen format.

Because of the 16 kids…

Joke from 6/25

1.  Yeah. Jerry Sandusky. The verdict finally came in, and he was found guilty on 45 of 48 counts and will almost certainly spend the rest of his life in prison. Shortly after the verdict was announced, Sandusky was trending on twitter, which you would expect.

And many people also expect that when Sandusky arrives in prison, his backside will trend in there.

Jokes from 6/30

1. Michelle Obama recently said in a recent interview that she thought there was a ‘bromance’ brewing between President Obama and former President Bill Clinton.

After he heard this, Mitt Romney promptly announced that if elected President, he would propose a constitutional amendment to ban bromances.

2. More presidential news. Baseball legend Hank Aaron recently told attendees at an Obama Campaign event to “hit a homerun” for the president.

After the event, Aaron realized he used a very bad baseball metaphor. Because during the last campaign, candidate Obama called his shot like Babe Ruth in 1927,  then got up to the plate as president and struck out on three pitches.

Caption: No Joy in Liberalville

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a tell-all book coming out soon. In the book, he discusses the illegitimate son he fathered with housekeeper, and how he came to realize that the boy was his.

The first hint came at the Schwarzenegger family swimming pool, where Arnold saw noticed that, like himself, the boy had a perfect set of man boobs. Or boy boobs, I guess you’d say.

The second hint came when Arnold attended the boy’s school play, and he noticed that the boy also had the emotional range of a drunk manatee.

If you want to become to prepared for the worst-case-scenario, it’s probably a good idea to be in shape. Why? Well, you never know when a meth addict might come along and mug you on a dimly-lit road or alleyway. And If you’re fit, you’ll have a better chance of shaking that deadbeat off.

Perhaps you’re thinking: But I own a bunch of guns, why do I need to be in shape? I’ll just blow that crazy meth-head’s head clear off his body.

Well, blowing that meth head’s head off his body will probably be more difficult than you think. All his senses will be running in overdrive, and there’s a good chance he’ll catch you reaching for that .45. And If he does, the haymakers will fly — hard and fast. He probably won’t stop until you’re unconscious or dead.

If you’re in shape, you’ll have a much better chance of turning the tables on this deadbeat. Instead of becoming the victim of a mugging, you’ll be making a citizens arrest and having your picture taken for the local paper.

Some people think getting into shape is a massive undertaking, but that’s just not the case. You could easily get into above-average condition by working out 10-15 minutes per day.

In the beginning, your workouts can be fairly basic: try to do a bit of cardio everyday. Before you get started, make sure to do some stretching. As far as the strength training goes, just don’t overdo it — three times a week is probably plenty.

If you have trouble finding the motivation to work out, try adding a soundtrack to the equation. Play whatever gets you pumped up. Sweat to the oldies with Simmons, rock out to the Rocky theme, or whatever.

In my next email, for those of you who want to be prepared to pummel anyone who tries to mess with you, I’ll go over some varieties of martial arts, and introduce some self-defense techniques.

In this post, I’ll present four reasons why it’s time to move in the (insert your favorite expletive here) fences at Safeco.

1. For the sake of the fans at the ballpark.

Our Yellowstone-sized park not only deprives fans of the homer, it deprives them of anticipating one, because homeruns are so rare. If a longball just seemed possible, on any given night, it would make the game a whole lot more fun for the folks in the cheap seats, and the folks in the “moderately” priced 75-dollar seats, for that matter.

“So, what’s the big deal, homeruns are overrated,” says an elitist, Keith Olbermann type, sipping a 20-dollar martini in the 200-dollar seats behind home plate. “There’s a lot more to baseball than the longball.”

And, despite being an obnoxious prick, he’s right. To me, and many other baseball fans, the psychological-warfare between the hitter and pitcher is the most interesting part of the game. Unfortunately, most fans at the ballpark are sitting a few acres from the battlefield, which makes it impossible to witness the pitcher-hitter war in all its tactical grandeur.

So, what’s the most interesting aspect of baseball to the average fan, sitting in the cheap seats? The longball, most likely, along with other big hits in general. Furthermore, on a purely primordial level, it’s tough to argue that there’s anything more impressive than a towering fly ball, swung on and belted toward a drunk fan sitting in another zip code.

At Safeco field, homeruns are about as rare as a big clutch hit by Ichiro. Fans have come to expect that the only balls leaving the yard are the ones that are hit foul. So, bring the fences in and give the people in the so-called “cheap seats” an event worthy of their hard-earned money.

2. Big bats are afraid

Big bats are very afraid to come to Safeco, especially right-handed bats. And they have good reason to be afraid. Ken Griffey, Jr. once remarked to Bone and Gar, upon first taking BP at Safeco something like: “Man, we’re never gonna hit one out of here…”

Obviously, Jr. was exaggerating. Those three, in their respective primes, could launch balls into orbit with the best of them. Boy, they were fun to watch, too… And, even in ’99, they were all still plenty capable of going yard, even in Safecco.

Griffey was scared, though, and that’s almost certainly one reason he wanted out. Others are undoubtedly scared, too — scared to come and happy to go back home, which leads me to my next point…

3. Nobody said it was easy to sign a big slugger (But it shouldn’t have to be this goddamn hard.)

Hitting a baseball traveling at 95-mph isn’t easy. Going yard is harder, even at an absurdly hitter-friendly ballpark like the new Yankee Stadium. It seems nearly impossible for the M’s to land a big hitter in free agency (Jack Cust doesn’t count). Why? The ballpark’s gotta play a role…

Put yourself in the position of a semi-established slugger in his mid to late 20’s, looking for a new contract of 5-7 years (makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?).

What does the slugger want from prospective bidders? Well, first, and most obviously, the slugger wants his suitors to show him the money. Not a big problem, necessarily. Mr. Nintendo can afford one semi-marquee signing this year if we ask him nicely.

Then, there are other obvious questions, like: does he like the city, does he like the GM, does the team have a chance to be competitive, bla, bla, bla (none of those issues are likely to be deal breakers, btw).

Then, in the back of his mind, inevitably the slugger will start thinking about his next contract – the contract that can potentially make him filthy f#4king rich. Then he’ll start to think more about it…

What’s the slugger’s next salary contingent upon? His statistics, of course. Or, more specifically, his power statistics.

Baseball can be a mentally grueling game. Hitting homers is hard enough, even without HGH for visual and muscular enhancement.

Thoughts inevitably start to race through the slugger’s mind at signing time: 395 f%$king feet to right center. 162 games. How am I ever going to hit one out of there? They expect me to play defense and not strike out 200 times, also? Is Barry Bonds’ doctor still in jail? Does the team have a good shrink available to the players?

You get the idea. In the end, he’ll sign with someone else.

Sure, we have other options. The draft, which is basically but a glorified gambling pool for general managers, or trades. But then, who’s looking to do anything but “rent out” their sluggers these days? So, free agency seems like the only real option. Bring in the fences, give the team a fighting chance at signing this hypothetical 27-year-old slugger.

4. The Curious Case of Adrian Beltre.

You remember Adrian Beltre, don’t you? Remember how many homers he hit in LA? And you watched disgustedly while the guy tore it up last year in Boston, with MVP-caliber numbers, right?

Now, remember how while he was here he looked like a slightly buffer, Latino version of Jack Wilson at the plate? Makes you wanna get a seat behind that probable sociopath, number-one fan of his and dump a 10 dollar beer on his head, doesn’t it?

I don’t know about you, but I’m still reeling from The Beltre Hangover, and I might not be able to sit through the sequel. We’d need a short, comic-relief fatty around for that to be tolerable (Matt Stairs, maybe?).

Bring in the fences, so we don’t have to watch The Hangover Part 2 play out on the baseball diamond.

Conclusion

So, that’s about it for now. There’s more, I’m sure. Couldn’t find a source that has the actual statistics of all the ballparks, but I’ll keep looking for that and update this soon. Keep swinging for the fences, folks. Cheers.

Keyword: Songwriting Exercises

Here are a few songwriting exercises you can try next time the muse is being particularly elusive.

1. Flip a Song Upside Down

This is a fairly simple concept: take an idea or theme within a song and spin it around. Make the song markedly different: throw in some personal touches, maybe flip a love song upside down and make it a man-hating anthem, a la Miranda Lambert. Or, turn a hero into a villain. Make comedy out of tragedy, using similar characters. Let your subconscious go wild.

2. Become Sherlock Holmes, Songwriting Detective

Go to your favorite watering hole. Or, if you’re not of drinking age, go to any place where people congregate — a coffee shop, a pot café, wherever.

Then, strike up a conversation with a random person. They could be a hot girl or guy, but it might be even better if they aren’t, as hotness has a tendency to cause temporary blindness, which could be an impediment to this song wring exercise, which is: turn the random person into a character in your next song.

How the hell am I going to do that? You may wonder. Well, it’s not that complex. Just try to unearth some interesting details about the person. Don’t give up too easily. Make the delicate transition from small talk to medium talk. After that, you should start to learn some interesting things about that person (Pretty much everyone has something interesting about them). It’s your job to dig whatever that is up.

Indeed, even dreadfully boring people aren’t boring all the time. You might want to take note of striking physical features, their disposition, tone of voice, etc. Consider yourself Sherlock Holmes, songwriting detective, for the evening.

3. Actually Exercise

Do something physical for a few hours. Yeah, actually exercise. The first lady wants you to get off your fat ass for many reasons — writing songs probably isn’t one of them — but your songwriting can benefit from getting off your fat ass, as can your fat ass, so why not?

So, go surfing (Eddie Vedder wrote several of the hits from Pearl Jam’s first album while surfing) , go for a bike ride, beat up your little brother, get stoned and play ultimate Frisbee. Whatever. Just do something. It’s easy to just sit around all and wait for the muse to suddenly appear (why doesn’t he or she suddenly appear?). Physical activities are great for clearing your mind, and thereby great songwriting exercises.

4. Free Write

Write anything that comes to your mind for a predetermined amount of time, up to about 15 minutes. Don’t do it for too long, or you’ll lose your enthusiasm. Don’t filter your thoughts. Just keep writing. You can write at the computer, typewriter, or on plain-old notebook paper. It doesn’t matter. Just start writing, and don’t stop until the time’s up.

Songwriting Exercises – Conclusion

Those are just a few songwriting exercises you can do. Come up with your own if you want. Anything that can sort of help you break your normal routine may help you get out of a creative drought and start writing great songs again.

Target keyword: Ideas for Songwriting

There will always be times when it just seems impossible to find ideas for songwriting. Where are songwriting ideas found, anyway? Where do they come from? Is there a specific source? Nobody knows exactly, though there are a variety of song-origin theorists out there.

Keith Richards once noted how important it is for songwriters to stay receptive to ideas, and I think that’s an excellent point.

Stay Receptive – Find Ideas Everywhere

As songwriters, if we stay receptive, we’ll start to find songwriting ideas everywhere. Granted, everywhere can be an intimidating locale, so to speak. But don’t be afraid. And by the way, heroin isn’t necessary to get to a place where everywhere isn’t intimidating (in fact, heroin is NOT recommended).

But anyway, just keep your eyes and ears open. When you go out to the store, or out on the town, observe what’s happening and ask yourself why it’s happening. Observe what isn’t happening and ask why it isn’t happening. Construct fictional plot-lines, if you feel inclined.

Become a student of human nature. Watch the people and how they interact with each other. Examine the expressions on their faces. Ask questions: Who are they? Where are they going? Are they conflicted? What are their character-arcs?

If you can refrain from damming up the river, ideas should start to flow and then great songs will follow.

Find Profundity in the Mundane

Great ideas for songwriting can come in the shower while you’re shampooing. They can come while you’re reading a book or watching a tv show. They can come from music you love or from the music you hate. They can come while you’re driving or flying (literally or figuratively). And so on. ..

The ideas are everywhere, if you stay receptive, like Keith said. Often times, the best ideas feel like cosmic-gifts of some kind. This is why so many songwriters consider songwriting a kind of religious experience. Moreover, even non-religious songwriters would be unlikely  to contest that there is a certain spiritual element to songwriting (John Lennon, a fairly devote atheist from what I‘ve read, often spoke of songwriting in a spiritual context).

Ideas for Songwriting – Conclusion

So, keep your eyes and ears open. Keep your mind open, too. If you turn off the iphone, blackberry, ipad, or game boy you’ve got going, then you’ll likely find that songwriting ideas will hit you across the head more often.

SFX: Machine gun fire, explosions, battle sounds, etc.

(MITT Romney and Rick Santorum are in the MUDDY TRENCHES, tossing grenades and evading machine-gun fire.)

We’d like to take a moment to interrupt the recent BARRAGE of attack ads to lighten the mood, and pose the following question:

SFX: Dining Music.

(CUT TO: A Gourmet Restaurant. There’s THREE PLATES ON A TABLE with the CANDIDATES’ HEADS on them.)

IF THE GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WERE A FOOD, WHAT KIND OF FOOD WOULD THEY BE?

Well, RICK SANTORUM would definitely be a BIG PLATE OF VEGETABLES — healthy, perhaps, just not particularly hearty or appetizing.

SANTORUM: “College is for snobs.”

“Kennedy’s speech makes me throw up.”

“Satan has his sights set on America.”

And MITT ROMNEY is clearly the CAVIAR CANDIDATE.

ROMNEY: “Ann drives a couple of Cadillac’s actually. I’m friends with some Nascar team owners. I’m not concerned about the very poor. 10,000 bucks.”

(Ann Romney look-alike decides which Cadillac to take for the day. Mitt relaxes in a luxury suite with his nascar team owner buddies. Ann and Mitt drive home in a Caddy with their DOG ON THE ROOF.)

This coming fall, There’s no way that the VEGETABLE CANDIDATE or the CAVIAR CANDIDATE has a realistic chance of beating the JUNK FOOD CANDIDATE, Barrack Obama.

(show a hope milkshake and change cheeseburger)

Only a full, four course ALL-AMERICAN Meal can compete with the JUNK FOOD that BARRACK OBAMA’S got cooking up in his elite, Chicago kitchen. And only Newt Gingrich has the recipe for that All-AMERICAN meal. Go to Newt’s recipe.com to learn more.

Again, not proper format. MS Works makes ad formatting more a pain than it’s worth…

Inspiration

There are many things that you can say about President Obama.

For instance, you can certainly say that he’s an ineffective leader, divisive, and that he’s a fiscally inept, social-welfare sap.

(show newspaper sources confirming the aforementioned character flaws.)

But there’s one thing you can’t say about the president

You can’t say that he doesn’t INSPIRE the BASE of his party.

(show welfare lines, occupy protests, the president delivering an inspirational speech to a packed football stadium,  etc)

Now, can you say that about that about Mitt Romney?

Does he inspire the base of the republican party?

(show Romney delivering his speech to the empty stadium in Michigan)

No. And that’s because there are TELEMARKETERS and USED-CAR-SALESMAN who are more inspiring than Mitt Romney.

(show an inspiring telemarketer and used-car salesman)

Newt Gingrich can rally the base this fall, and can most effectively challenge the president’s radical left-wing agenda.

(Show Gingrich winning and inspiring at the debates)

Yadda yadda yadda is responsible for this ad.