The Humor Authority

Panda's Are a Bunch of Cunts

2014-12-04T22:36:00.004-05:00

Aren't Panda's a bunch of cunts. I'm done with Panda's and I'll tell you why. The Panda doesn't have a natural predator on this planet and they're dieing out because they're fuckin dicks. Fuck em! Let em die out! The Panda's don't fuck each other, therefore they don't have babies, therefore we got no fuckin Pandas. They're dead weight, let's lose the Pandas! We've tried! We have fuckin tried!!! We the human race have put Panda's in cages together to try and help them fuck. We go, "there's a Panda,...go fuck the Panda!" And they just look at each other. You put me in a cage with anything, ANYTHING and after a week I'll fuck it. Do you think Panda's are Chinese and are taking the one child policy to seriously? - Jim Jieffries

Jim Jeffries Breaks Down Heaven and Hell

2014-12-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

I know this is a Christian Country and I stand up for your right to be religious. But please know that you're wrong. Please know you're living in a fantasy world and after you die nothing happens so stop being a fuckin' chjild. The Bible calls Heaven eternal bliss. I don’t care how blissful it is, it’s eternal, you’ll get used to it, and then you’ll be fuckin' bored. And what’s hell meant to be like? Fire and brimstone and eternal agony? That’s what’s written in the Bible, that’s God’s book. As far as I know the Devil hasn’t brought out a book. We don’t know his side of the argument. If you ask me the Devil and God are having an argument, the Devil’s being a bigger fuckin' man cause God’s just writing shit about him and the Devil’s going, "I’m not even gonna fuckin' comment son if you talk about me like that."

Let’s think about this rationally, which isn’t a good point for the Christians, rational thought. God runs the entire universe except for one place which is run by the Devil. And the devil is his biggest enemy, they don’t get along whatsoever. Now if you act bad you go to hell right? Now you’ve lied, you’ve cheated, you’ve stole, you’ve been a prick your entire life. Why would the Devil punish you? Your one of his boys, he’s gonna dig you!!!

Zach Galifianakis' Non Profit Combinations

2014-11-15T20:47:00.002-05:00

I want to combine the NAACP with Mother's Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mother's Against the Advancement of Colored People.

Button pushing with Louis C.K

2013-07-24T17:18:00.001-04:00

The other day my wife got really mad and said, "You know what you did? You filled the dishwasher with dishes, you put the soap in and you didn't turn it on." And I'm like "Oh Shit! What are we going go do now?!" But here's the part that blows my mind. She asks me why I didn't turn it on, like I have a fuckin reason for not turning it on. Can't I just be stupid? Can't I just be a fuckin idiot? I can live with that, I'm cool with that.
But no, she says why did you do it which means I decided not to do it. Do you know how much more of an ass hole that makes me? That means I filled the dishwasher and went, "You know what? Fuck her. I ain't turnin it on. She can suck my dick if she thinks I'm pushing that button."

Bitch Is That Plum and Red?

2011-01-26T23:34:00.000-05:00

“Ladies, I’m telling you: “You gotta be the shit to you!” Stop waiting on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. Bitch, if you the shit, then you the motherfucking shit. We tired of y’all getting with us and blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You done got with a nigga and now you talking about: “You fucked up my self-esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self-esteem. It’s the esteem of your motherfucking self, bitch. How the fuck can I mess up how you feel about you, simple bitch. I’m just saying ladies, stop tripping on shit that don’t even motherfucking matter. Never in the history of niggadom has a nigga been getting ready to have sex with a woman and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn’t match. Not never. Not never! Never has a nigga been putting on a condom and said: “Bitch, is that plum and red? I can’t even do it, bitch. I’m outta here."

Judging and Labeling People On Sesame Street

2011-01-26T23:10:00.001-05:00

"Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, "Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street."

Mitch Hedberg's Donut Conundrum

2011-01-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you money and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that would have to prove that I bought a donut...don't even act like I didn't get that donut."

Zach Galifianakis

2010-03-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

"If you read my blog you know that I am a pilates freak. I like to read the bible in public places, so people are watching me read it and I like to just murmur out to myself, 'Oh Bullshit!'"

When World's Collide

2010-03-25T19:11:00.000-04:00

You have no idea the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza, as you know him ceases to exist. See, right now I have Relationship George but, there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with. Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George. He's dying Jerry. If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself, cannot stand!

Tumors

2010-03-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

There's a guy, I don't know if you've heard of him, he's been in the news a lot lately, he's English, I don;t think we should hold that against him but, apparently this is his life's dream because he's going country to country, he has a senate hearing in the country coming up in a couple of weeks and this is what he wants to do. He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger. He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning, like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet. Like he's going to get his way and then all of a sudden smokers around the world are gonna be going, "Oh yeah Bill, I've got some cigarettes, HOLY SHIT!!! These things are bad for you? Shit, I thought they were good for you, I thought they had vitamin C in them and stuff."

You fuckin' dolt. It doesn't matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes called warnings. You could have cigarettes that come in a black pack with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors and smokers will being lining up around the block goin', "I can't wait my hands on these fuckin' tumors."

Somebody Get South Africa and The Iraq Some Goddam Maps

2010-03-24T17:49:00.000-04:00

Ms. Teen South Carolina - "I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in a South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Even On Life Support, Elin is Fuckable

2010-03-23T16:44:00.000-04:00

She could be on life support, I'd fuck her. What do you think of that Robin? Put a pair of shoes on her. We're talkin' love here. Don't you want a man who would have sex with you on life support? I wouldn't pull the plug. I'd be like, "Elin, I'm home." "Uhh your wife is in terrible shape, we've had her on life support." I'd be like, "That's ok. I'm not going to stop fuckin' her cause she's on a feeding tube, in fact that's hot."

I wouldn't pull the plug on Elin. I would just let her lay there and I would enjoy my life with her. I would take her to award shows. "Honey, blink if I'm turning you on, something, a sign." If I was married to Elin, I'd tattoo her face, This guy Tiger Woods, he's a schlub. He wouldn't have even gotten Elin if he wasn't a golfer. He should worship her, but no, he;s busy with these other bimbos.

If I was married to Elin, I told you, I would have sex with her on life support. Every day nurses would have to come in and scrape Elin;s face clean. "My God, what happened to Elin's face? Overnight, she developed a white crust over her face? You didn't have sex with your comatose wife did you?" I'd be like, "Absolutely not."

Artie's a Bed Shitting, Coke Snorting Pigman

2010-03-22T18:33:00.000-04:00

At Madtv we do this sketch called Babewatch. My call time is 4 A.M, we're shooting it on location in Malibu, way out in Malibu,so they get us a little motel to stay at while we're out there. I get there, they put 3 hours of pig prosthetics on me. Pig snout, 6 teets that are each going to have a bikini top. ears, everything, I look like a disgusting pig. I'm like the David Hasselhoff, I'm the lifeguard. The makeup was amazing because I looked like a pig. We go to eat breakfast and while I'm eating I catch a glimpse of a pig eating in the window. Literally I'm a pig easting. I'm like this is not why I signed up for show business,

So I got really upset and called my coke dealer. I told him where I was and asked where could meet him. Right on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu there's a restaurant with a parking lot, he asked I could meet him there. I go , "Without question, I need the coke, otherwise I'm going to drown myself in the Pacific ocean."

Now I'm the star of this sketch, I'm the lead. It's the assistant directors job to make sure they wrangle the cast but it takes so long to light stuff, during the lighting I snuck to my car in the full pig outfit, teets, everything, I get in the car and just speed away. I look like a pig, if you were driving next to me you would say, "that's a pig driving a car."

So I do like 90 to this restaurant. Now I'm waiting for this dealer, who's this rastafarian guy. I'm sitting there all antsy, he finally shows up, it was like seeing Jesus Christ. I didn't have any cash on me but being the nice drug dealer that he was he put it on my account. I'm on a T.V show, he knows I'm good for it. I bought an 8ball from him.

I go back to the car and I'm in the parking lot, I look around, and I actually had straws in my backseat that were cut. I took a straw, I try to do the coke, but I can't get the straw through the pig snout. So now I'm digging a hole through this expensive prosthetic job. I dig a hole through the pig snout and I do a blast. I get a little high and I'm feeling better. I decide that I'm gonna sit in this restaurant and order a whole meal, a water and a coffee, in full pig outfit. I get a little antsy, I go back to my car and do another blast of coke. I say to myself now I gotta go back to the set, I've been gone an hour. I go up the pacific coast highway, I hit a little traffic and a light, I was about 20 minutes up the highway. I hit a light and I decide I need another hit. I do like a key hit, like they used to call it, where you put a little bit on the end of a key. I put a little on the key, pig snout and all, and there's a woman in a Lamborghini, like a hot chick and she looks over and she must have thought she was on an acid trip. That's a pig doing cocaine. I mean I just wanted to kill myself.

I get back to the set. I shove the coke in the bathing suit they gave me to wear. Everyone wants to kill me. I go back to my trailer and I'm just doing coke. It was one of those times where cocaine got me through the day. But every time I go to do a line I look up and I see a pig doing coke. In my head I'm going, "'I'm a pig and I'm a coke addict and it's not even like a symbol. It's like I;m really a pig, I've turned into a pig."

It was the most surreal day of my life. It ends, they rip the prosthetics off of me and we head back to the motel . Everyone hates my guts. I finally fall asleep at like 4 am and we had to wake up at 5 am. I must have slept for an hour but because I had so much badness in me, I shit all over the bed. It was like, I can only describe it like that scene in The Godfather when the guy has the horses head and theres blood all over it and hes like ahhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh!!!

It must have just fell out of me. I must have lost control. I wake up and its al over me its because I must have rolled around in it, like a pig would do. Exactly what a pig would do. I'm paranoid from the coke and I think it's blood. I get up and it's all over me and it's all over the bed and it stinks so I realize, "Ok I know what it is now". I was already late so I didn't have any time to clean up. I didn't know what to do so I just took that awful bedspread and just threw it over the bed.

What Ever Happened To crazy?

2010-03-19T11:04:00.001-04:00

So, I'm gettin in the elevator at my hotel, and these two high school white boys get on with me and I just dove off. Im sayin, 'Y'all aint killin' me.' I am scared of young, white boys. If you white and under 21, I am heading for the hills. What is wrong with these white kids shootin' up the school? They don't even wait till' three oclock either, killin people in the mornin' that ain't right, The Trenchcoat Mafia. "No one would play with us, we had no friends in the Trenchcoat Mafia". Shit, I saw the yearbook picture, there was six of them. I didn't have six friends in highs school...I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's 3 on 3 with a half court. What hell is wrong with these kids? I got people tellin' me, "C'mon Chris, come up to the schools, talk to the kids." I'm like, "Fuck the kids. Do you got a vest? Maybe I'll think about it.

And everybody want to know what type of music they was listenin' to and what kind of movies they was watchin'. Who gives a fuck what they was watchin'? What ever happened to crazy? What happened to crazy? What you can't be crazy no more? Did we delete crazy from the dictionary? Fuck the records, fuck the movies, crazy.

Howard Retires Teddy K

2010-03-17T23:05:00.000-04:00

Caroline was bad on TV erra she doesn’t have the pizzazz us other Kennedy’s do. In fact, she speaks like my sister Rosemary, who had to be lobotomized. I’m watching it on TV, I said, “Caroline, all you have to do is go on there and say a few words and say you care about black people and she couldn’t even get those fuckin’ words out without fumfkeeing.” She can’t adlib to save her life erra she’s no Jay Leno. Erra I called up Pierre Salinger and said, “Pierre, scribble something down on a paper bag for my niece, she talks like she’s retahhded. The broad seems like a dumb ass.” I used to say to her, “You have a shot at being the senator of erra New York, erra a good job.” It would have been great for us Kennedy’s. I knew I was dieing of the brain cancer, I said, “Caroline, go on TV, drink a fuckin can of redbull, you lethargic bitch.” Then she married that guy with the Jewish name, Schlossberg. I told her, “Why not just call yourself Caroline Jew? What the hell are you doing. Why not just go to dad’s grave and stab him in the heart.”

Erra I tried to get her into politics erra she was a shoe-in. It would have been easy if she could have spoke but she’s such a mush mouth. She’d be the only Kennedy in politics who wouldn’t fuck chicks. All us Kennedy’s always use our political advantage for chicks. We always fuck. We love to fuck. We will fuck you no matter what. I started fucking erra during Anne Margerates years and then I went all the way through to the Olson twins. Actually, the last girl I fucked was Misha Barton. You know, the first girl I tried to fuck was Rosa Parks. That’s right, she was the talk of the day back then. I said to Rosa Parks, “Get in the back of the bus, I want to fuck you.” She said, “I won’t go!” I thought she wasn’t in to me, I didn’t realize it was a movement. I just wanted privacy while I fucked Rosa Parks. That was one hot black chick, feisty, she knew how to speak to the white man, I liked her. All she would do was blow me. You know what turned me on, she had that processed hair. I used to say, “Boy, I’d like to shoot my load on your processed hair.” There’s nothing like shooting your load on processed hair. Erra I said to Rosa, “If you’re with me, you’ll take more shots to the head than my brothers.”

Righteous Futility

2010-03-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

Facebook Bans The Authority For "Objectionable Material"

2010-03-16T17:27:00.000-04:00

Somebody had to piss on my parade. Evidently, some ass hole got his/her panties in a bunch and flagged this website for containing "objectionable" material on Facebook. Facebook will no longer allow me to "share" this website.

I've thought about this in two different ways. Somebody' either fucking with me, which is entirely possible, or somebody actually clicked on this website, found something "objectionable" and felt it necessary to go out of their way to ensure that not I, or anyone else, could ever "share" the nonsense that goes on here.

You can't get to this website without typing in "humorauthority.blogspot.com"Go ahead and try and Google it. I come up on page 87 if I'm lucky. So, narc, you clicked on a comedy blog and found some blue content. Boo whoo. In either case, whether your fucking with me or you were truly offended, I'd like to say fuck you and kindly ask you to stop being a cunt.

Zach Galifianakis Looks Like Fat Jesus

2010-03-15T20:04:00.003-04:00

"You know what I like to do when I'm making out with a woman? I like to whisper in her ear, 'Will you touch my vagina?' And she's like, 'What?!' And I'm like, 'That's what your supposed to say."

Norm Says Britney's Smarter Than a Dog

2010-03-15T18:36:00.004-04:00

Gary Garver Interviews Norm MacDonald

Gary: "Is anal sex a part of your life?"

Norm: "Anal sex? Well it's a part of my life in the sense I fear it in every single waking moment. But, no I've never done it."

Gary: "What's your favorite curse word?"

Norm: "Cockfuck...I guess."

Gary: "Who's smarter a cockerspaniel or Britney Spears."

Norm: "Britney Spears would be way way smarter....than a dog?"

Mitch Hedberg's Lotto Estimate

2010-03-13T13:01:00.003-05:00

"I saw a billboard that said estimated jackpot 55 million dollars. See, I didn't know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like, 'Ohhh we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry."

All Balls Smell The Same

2010-03-13T12:02:00.004-05:00

A conversation between Howard Stern and Amy Beckman the lesbian comedian.

Amy - "I hate the smell of balls."

Howard - "Do you think that balls smell, or just this guys balls smell?"

Amy - "They all smell."

Howard - "You've smelled a few balls?"

Amy - "Yeah, And they all smell the same."

Howard - "If I blindfold you, could you find balls in the room?

Amy - "Probably"

Howard - "You could? Alright. Well, that's impressive."

The Bat Cave

2010-03-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

"The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. Very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find your way back after you leave."

Jerry Seinfeld

Nick Swardson's Going To Be A Cool Grandfather

2010-03-11T17:58:00.004-05:00

"There's gonna be no dignity left in old people by the time my generation gets old. Old people now are so sweet and nice. Like I can't swear around my grandma, even if I'm like 'Oh, that sucks.' My mom will be like, "Shhhh, don't say that, not around grandma. That's not what we say around grandma, you know that." I swear all the time. Thats how I'm gonna be when I'm old. My grandson's gonna be like...

"Hey grandpa, where goin' to the zoo, you wanna go to the zoo?"

"What the zoo? Fuck that. I'm not going to the fuckin' zoo. What are you gay?"

Roger Ebert's First Words

2010-03-11T17:22:00.003-05:00

On The Oprah Show, a company in Scotland took hundreds of hours of Roger Ebert's past movie commentaries to allow him to speak in his own voice through a computer. Howard wished that he was able to hack into Roger's voice computer and create Roger's first word's to Oprah. Here's his take on what could have happened,

Oprah - "Roger, you're about to speak your first words in your own voice. What is it that you have to say to my audience?"

Roger takes out the keyboard. The whole world is anticipating wonderful things, something like, "Thank you Oprah for this wonderful opportunity." And Roger responds...

1. Oprah, you're a fat ass.

2. Oprah, I want your pussy.

3. Oprah, close your legs your vagina smells.

4. PU Oprah.

5. Oprah, what happened your ass is the size of an elephant?

6. Oprah, eat another steak you elephant.

7. Oprah if you want to lose weight your should have your jaw removed like me.

8. Oprah, no way Stedmond fucks you.

9. I bet Gail eats your pussy.

10. Oprah, you have a gunt,

11. I like piss videos Oprah

12. I like when men hold women down and force themselves upon them.

13. I like the fact that there are piss videos from Germany allowed into this country.

14. I'd like to piss on you Oprah.

15. Have you ever seen Schindler's Piss?

16. Suck my computerized cock Oprah.

17. Robin's ass hole can self lubricate, can yours?

18. Oprah, do you have thin or fat labias?

Dave Chappelle Smoke's Weed Exclusively With White People

2010-03-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

DAVE CHAPPELLE

"I smoke weed exclusively with white people. Calm down motha fuckas you win by default. You got good weed conversation, All white people talk abut when they get high is...other times that they got high. I could listen to that shit all night. "Dude remember at Franks last week, I was fuckin' SMASHED man." And they catalogue what they drink. "I had 2 shots of Jaeger, Tequila, four bong hits man, beer, cheeseburger" That shit is great.

The only bad part is you cannot pass out around white people. Every time white dudes pass out around each other, they always do some borderline gay shit when the guy;s asleep. "Frank fell asleep so we like stuck a carrot in his ass and put shaving cream on his balls."