The Husk

Hateraid 1

2013-03-19T10:08:00.001-07:00

In the course of my career I found myself becoming the ultimate hater. No matter what way the wind blows on a food issue my strict and thorough criticism has turned me into the ultimate Debbie downer. I have decided in order to rehabilitate myself I have to first admit I have a problem. The second step for me to help in the healing process will be sharing my hater logic as is presented to myself in order to ruin my own good times. I can only hope these small segments will help ruin the good times for you and yours.

SIDE A- Waiter/waitress is too friendly and visits the table to frequently. Maybe they sit down with you to take your order or just in general volunteer too much information about something you either don't want to hear about or care about. You can hear them loudly laughing at other tables that are full of people that hate each other so much that its refreshing for them to get interrupted constantly by the waiter/waitress.
Solution: When your food is served ask your waiter/waitress if you may have a sharper knife, not for your food but to "trim" something off your leg in the bathroom that looks like a wart but really hurts and you just wanna get rid of it before you eat. When she turns you down casually respond, " thats ok, I'll just do it in the car later". If she doesn't, then it's advisable for your health to leave the restaurant that is giving out knives for people to operate on themselves.
SIDE B- Your Waiter/Waitress is never at your table, can constantly be seen checking their phone and getting silverware for tables several hours after they get their food.
Solution: When you finally get your waiter/waitress's attention set a generous amount of cash on the table. Explain that the pile of cash is their tip and every time you are not taken care of your going to take out of the pile. Then proceed to do just that. If they decide they don't care about their tip then make sure to ask for a manager and point out on your other dinner guests or a doll the bathing suit area and explain how the waiter/waitress has been looking at you and touching you there all night and you demand satisfaction. FYI: This works will all combinations of genders between guest and server.

The Future of GMOs

2013-03-14T23:54:00.003-07:00

I recently have been taking a lot of shit from my friend Greg because he believes that somewhere along the lines of explaining that genetically modified organisms(GMOs) are the inevitable future of sustainable food, he mistook my sentiment for me believing that they are safe and good for society where they are at right now. I thought I would write a little bit about the future of GMOs for all the assholes that think there just gonna go away and were gonna go back to wheezing the juice from the organic, free range, gluten-free, humane, hormone-free and trans-fat free nipple of ol' McJohnson. I would say ol' McDonald but I think that song is banned in general public and if you or your children are caught singing it they will ammonia wash and sanitize you, like the beef slime your are. SPECIAL NOTICE, IF YOUR ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAS ARGUED FOR STEM CELL RESEARCH OR CLONING BUT ARE AGAINST GMOs: They've reserved the hottest place in hell for you so you better hope when you inevitably O.D. on your own smug sense of satisfaction for taking a stand, that you are wearing a banana hammock.

Giant Vegetables: After the first few years of the GMO growth and research reform act of 2016 all is quiet on the western front. Then scientists begin insuring their seed to farms and change the whole nature of the commodity crop market. As research improves GMOs become healthier and less expensive for people by engineering them to grow loaded with nutrients and after years of research they are found to have no negative side effects. The farming industry picks up again in the world and new and better plants are grown in more ecologically unfriendly locations. Some plants even begin fruiting in winter months. Then new research shows that most GMOs contain a brain crippling toxin and out of no where suddenly the Hunger Games begin.

Giant Birds: As the crops grow larger and have larger yields birds will be one of the animals that will likely have a "field day". All that genetically modified DNA(which by the way is the "secret of the ooze" they talked about in Ninja Turtles 2) being processed by the birds will eventually shift side effects from super thin egg membranes to super huge birds. The first signs of the massive birds are promising. Thanksgiving hunger slowly begins to fade as homeless shelters feed 1,000s off of only a few turkeys. Birds begin nesting in high altitude mountains and rip down bird-feeders to eat the squirrels on them. Everything seems to be fine aside from a few bowel cargo drops leading to a rise in the car accident percentages for the year 2023. Then people begin farming the giant birds and they get a chance to congregate. The great bird war as it will be called, lasts under a year and wipes the majority of the threatening birds off the face of the earth. As it turns out birds have tiny brains and are incapable of weaponizing. Factory chicken farms across the country close due to attacks, which actually ends up being a positive thing. The few remaining birds left on earth are moved into low income housing and spend the rest of their lives trying to educate the children of the future to avoid any more wars. They forever miss their kin and still strongly harbor the anger to strike at humans in their most vulnerable moments. For this reason they are registered in a database like sex offenders. I was really hoping Mitt won so he could finally pass the legislation to get them off of television for the most part.

Zombies: After a long period of humanity thriving the Hunger Games begin due to widespread exposure to a neurotoxin "supposedly" transmitted by GMOs. The neurotoxin essentially dulls down the human ability to think. Sometime during the course of the "stupid" area of history as it is known, the infamous hunger games lock out began, (2028) where players all refused to fight in order to renegotiate contracts. The hunger games were suspended and a fuel shortage signaled the end of an era and the start of a new one. The next great event would be known as "The Thunderdome". There is a brief period of time where people begin to build sweet cars to drive around in the desert. Then the people begin fighting cars in three back to back adventures. All of these tragic events play a major role in the fragile script of humanity. Which eventually turns back into an animated romantic comedy based on the life of Al Bundy. Al Bundy as in the ten time thunder dome champion, 66th president of the United States of China, and Half Bear-Half Wolf Germanic daemon. Not the real Al Bundy)

Fictional Bars that I want to get drunk at

2013-03-09T19:45:00.006-08:00

Mos Eisley Cantina - Located on scenic desert wasteland planet of Tatooine. The planet is home to the violent, nomadic Tuskan Raiders. True Internet facts: "A." There is a lot of star wars fan fiction on the internet and "B." Apparently Tatooine is a planet that already experienced a world ending catastrophe. I draw many similarities between Doomsday Preppers and the Tuskan Raiders. I can totally see the earth covered by Tuskan raiders after our extinction level disaster around 2025. They seem to be the offspring of people that can't think very well and have an infatuation with gas masks. Anyway, I would love to stop in the Mos Eisley Cantina and order jeagerbombs, while I put Drake on the touchtunes and spill jeager on my v-neck AE shirt. I would leave by giving everyone a shitty handshake, even people I didn't know or meet, and saying "my man", to each of them. The band that plays there on the weekends is called Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. They got there big break as a wedding band in India in 1975 but later turned to protest folk when a state of emergency declared by Prime Minister Indira Gandhi censored the press and jailed over 100,000 citizens. They are terrible but they always draw a crowd of like 20 people that are family and friends. The last time I heard about the bar it was closed down by an interplanetary gang task force unit. They apparently arrested several members of Jabba the huts gang for running and underground giant monster fighting ring. Apparently after the death of one of the giants, his owner was so hurt by the scene that he turned states evidence and became an informant.

Cheers - no wait fuck that. I would never want to drink in Cheers. The condescending look on Ted Danson's face when he asks me, "would you like another one?" while I'm slouching all hammered on the bar would be too much for me to handle. Plus the bitchy manager in the back coming out to flirt with him might make me wanna vomit. I would hate getting caught up in all the drama surrounding the people that drink there and it's impossible to avoid because everyone yells across the bar to each other, even when there's like no one there. I can't seem to understand why no one in Cheers has a Boston accent. Also there's that other older bitchy waitress/bartender. I hate those alpha female bartenders that think there cool because they are rude to everyone. I liked the bar that was there before cheers. It was a new wave bar called "Manic" and I saw this band 'Til Tuesday play this killer song called "Love in Vacuum". The old bartender from Manic actually still works at cheers as the other bartender/bar-back and I hear he can still get killer ganja.

The Double Deuce - A local Jasper hang out for all the buff dudes. It was formerly run by a local gang started by Bigfoot owner Brad Wesley, who had made millions in the pornography business under the name Jackie Treehorn. They have a band that plays there every weekend that makes people fight almost on command as soon as there first set starts. The lead shredder in the band is a late 80s white version of Ray Charles, heroine addict and all. The door guy is kind of a dick but I've never ever seen him check anyones ID. Good place to chug a Busch and slap your girlfriend or your mom. I think you can score meth there too.

The Bar that Roseanne works at in season 2 of the show "Roseanne" - This bar actually sucks but in the conclusion of the series it is disclosed that the entire show is actually fiction written by the character on the show Roseanne. That would make this bar a fictional bar, made up by fictional characters, on a fictional show starring a woman who for a while had the last name Barr. The concept alone could tear the space time continuum. This is the only instance of the alpha female bitchy bartender I would truly appreciate. I would definitely not pay for any of my drinks and never tip because who cares it's not real anyway. That's how Roseanne would write my evening ending in her spare room after Dan died from that heart attack.

Every bar on television or in a movie where a dialog takes place - I just always wanted to drive all the way to a bar to meet someone. Walk in, sit down, order a drink, not even drink it, have a short conversation, and then leave without paying.

Top Six Things that are obviously bad for you

2013-03-05T23:51:00.001-08:00

#6- Soda - Where can I begin? Besides being high in sugar which can lead to poor dental health and diabetes,have a dehydrating effect on your body, mostly containing caffeine ( see #4), containing artificial sweeteners, and containing carbon dioxide which in high levels can kill humans and is a greenhouse gas, soda has truly taken on its most dangerous roll as a staple in American Diets. It is commonly believed that soda was invented by the Nazi's to make everyone look out of shape. This was intended to make Germany and Austria look like the fittest nations in the world, ultimately awarding them a clutch Nike sponsorship to bail them out of recession. Hence: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
#5- Candy - Candy is very high in sugar which can lead to nothing good. Candy was originally used as a decoy for stray birds and given to peasants to keep them quiet while kings and queens broke into their plague infested homes to spend a night away from responsibilities. Candy finally got its big break in 1977 when "Studio 54" creators Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager began promoting Candy as a kids treat (like a dog treat but for kids). Since that day candy went from 3 varieties to now over 1000 and then back to a slang term for cocaine.
#4- Smoke - a.k.a Thoms Verbada, a former assassin and friend of famed stereotype hat man of the year(1992) Sub Zero. He made his career defying odds by turning back and forth from a normal human being to a robot several times with little to no explanation. At the height of his career he was awarded the Larry Hagman Association for the Disheartened and Ambidextrous's award for perfect attendance with a cerimony for which he never attended to claim his award. With threatening moves like the x-ray attack and the "smoke out" fatality, he definitely poses a hazard to your health.

#3- Alcohol - In chemistry, an alcohol is an organic compound in which the hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom. In the ancient mermaid culture Alcohol was the stern, yet caring, god of loving ones self in a violent manor. He was said to have a throne comprised solely of the purest throne the world has ever known. According to most televisions Alcohol makes you funny and interesting. Field researchers have found that alcohol may lead to good times but potential side effects include drunkenness and brokeness

#2- Animal Attacks- although most common animals have been proven by science to be delicious be weary as some are muscular men and women in finely crafted disguises passed down through years of family and tradition. The only safe course with most animals in the wild is to sternly explain to them if they are a police officer they are required to show you identification.

#1- Bacon- On average bacon contains about 40 calories a strip. The true problem with bacon lies within its delicious 3.5 grams of mostly unsaturated fat and it's commonly added preservative sodium nitrate. Sodium nitrate will be the next big movement most likely looked at as "trendy to hate on" as science improves. Sodium nitrate is the salt of nitric acid. It is also used in explosives and fertilizers as well as food. Keep a look out for it on your packaging, even though science hasn't proven it to be a known cause of cancer. My bet is that if you eat too much bacon your probably gonna die and it's not gonna be fun.

I hope these tips helped you avoid the pain and discomfort of pubic lice!

Pseudo Food Science

2013-02-19T23:05:00.003-08:00

   One of the hop topic issues going around these days is "GMOs". I wanted to write a little bit about how I feel about things just to open up some other questions that not many people ask themselves about the issue. I by no means want to write a synopsis of the facts presented and basically a repeater of all the content available out there. I just wanted to toss out a few details about some facts surrounding the issue and some food for thought. If I were a genetically modified zombie I may consider it to be just food instead of food for thought. It's a hard play on words but if I were a zombie and could do any play on words I feel it would put me in a higher tear of zombie.

Wikipedia.com describes SELECTIVE BREEDING as: " the process of breeding plants and animals for particular traits. Typically, strains that are selectively bred are domesticated, and the breeding is sometimes done by a professional breeder. Bred animals are known as breeds, while bred plants are known as varieties, cultigens, or cultivars. The cross of animals results in what is called a crossbreed, and crossbred plants are called hybrids." They then go on to drop Darwin's name and explain that he used selective breeding to draw a comparison to natural selection. NATURAL SELECTION in simple terms is survival of the fittest and the evolution aspect that integrates into animals how they have adapted to survive. Look at it this way: Instead of a plant or animal naturally evolving a trait to survive in the wild, an evolutionary trait was forced upon the circumstances of the organism to make it more viable to humans. Selective breeding has brought most of what we eat today to a viable supply since Caesar became a salad. Then people learned more about the building blocks of life and began bypassing evolution and selective breeding to create what they wanted with genetic engineering. Suddenly the same concept of forced evolution but with a more rapid and complex scientific process is bad? I just don't understand.
          What it boils down to is that I believe we all are clinging to a misconception that playing with DNA is dangerous. When stem cell research was banned we all blamed religious fanatics for halting the progression of science but now with food we are halting ourselves.(Stem cell research is definitly dabbling way closer to home when it comes to human genes and risk.) What I feel most people don't understand is that we've been playing with DNA for thousands of years. Selective breeding was the poor mans genetic engineering. Most of what we eat, plant and animal, weather done in a lab or over 1000s of years of selective breeding is a genetically modified organism. But does that mean there is a healthy and responsible way to eat GMOs? of course it does. Eat a great variety and don't buy from companies that have a carbon footprint that can only be described as, "mythologically large in respect to big foot". Any food eaten in a certain quantity or combination is going to have a side effect. You know that. Don't act surprised that GMOs do too. Especially if it drives you to another product that you know nothing about still but is twice as expensive. By not grasping an awareness of progression we are making ourselves and our core ideals susceptible to destruction. By not adapting, the important and responsible traits in our food system will be lost. Our ideals loose in a survival of the fittest situation by not being applied forward. I think maybe for the same philosophical reason we might not see a lot of teepees around and people treat the environment like shit.
        Momofuku Ando was a man who believed, in his words, "Peace will come to the world when the people have enough to eat." His life's work is now what we know as Ramen Noodles. If we don't begin to apply the right ideals on both a dietary and scientific understanding of how we treat GMOs we might end up having only his life's work to feed our growing population of Monsanto protestors.

Changing of the gaurd

2013-02-17T22:51:00.002-08:00

hey everybody who liked giving us a read before! It's nice to see that your back, and so are we. It's been a crazy year and since we became a big deal, we've been in and out of rehab, made a sex tape, got a dui, and now we're back to nothing. So we decided to continue on writing, drawing, snorting, and auto-erotically analyzing the things that matter to us. Here's just a few issues that we missed that we would like to catch up on briefly:

President: Congrats bro but tone it down your celebrity bros aren't even that cool anymore. Jay-z is not slanging anymore, he's PG and so no one cares how many pictures you take with him. In contrast however, you can keep taking glamor shots with Apple products. Even though Steve jobs is dead, it is reassuring to the American people to know that your dealing with the same shitty directions as everyone else. Just don't start hooking up with Google or conspiracy theorists will riot in the streets.

Guns: It is no surprise that the more violent media and society becomes, the more gun violence there will be. As if the zoo of news media out there doesn't look stupid enough already, it was no surprise that every reporter everywhere was shocked by gun violence. Remember two things: Your right to responsibly own a gun is a right that makes you an American and responsible gun ownership extends far beyond what you shoot and how. If we continue efforts to educate and make the regulations that we already have in place work, our world will be a biometric safe place.

USDA: The USDA is stepping their game up. Not a whole step but like a half of one kind of. They are starting stricter regulations on factories and on industrial food suppliers. This can be a good thing for food eaters out there. It may also be a bad thing for small suppliers. There are a lot of conspiracy theorists out there now that feel the first stock market crash in the United States was propagated to consolidate our banks into what we all dread as the Federal Reserve. True or false the concept of crashing organizations to consolidate them with the big boys happens. I mean just look at Big Boys, not for any real reason, but where did they all go? I liked the statues to honor the mighty Big Boy. Oh well....Like I was saying: With more changes in how we regulate food, we must be mindful of the fact that we may loose a lot of small vendors and farms if we look at everything as a large scale regulation effort. I hate the big food system and we can do better but don't mistake progress for segregation to force the little guys out. The same know-it-all trendy protester that is protesting about how they hate big meat packing plants will be the person they use as the figure head to force small farms out of the picture. I promise. Stay AWAKE.

End of the World: Didn't happen, but it could, so live your life as a polite and appreciative person or you'll regret it when it does come.

GMOs: Like most dangerous and new things evidence is inconclusive because there hasn't been an accurate enough study over a long enough period of time. It's like how cigarettes used to be in the 50s. Not saying that GMOs are bad but they are definitely drowning out the talent pool when it comes to high quality, natural, proven products. I think this will be more of a political thing as it begins to turn people and animals into zombies. For now you'll probably eat them and never know.

Spelling erros: Yeah baby, that happens when you plagiarize your articles from gas station bathroom stalls. Not the clean ones, the ones that you have to ask for the key and its around back, and they have like a bag of clothes in them for some reason. We will have them from time to time so be patient.

Now were all caught up..so let's work double time on getting that behind!

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Male Enhancement

2012-06-30T13:01:00.004-07:00

I just wanted to drop a little knowledge for everyone out there that's been tuning in to read. I haven't been posting much because I have been busy doing research for my four part series on Wilkes-barre food history. I found out already it's not going to be easy. I also found out that in 1760 people were not bitch-made by any means. So keep eyes out for those articles. They are definitely going to be very interesting. I also spent a little time revamping the blog. You will notice there is now a link page on the little gadget that protrudes from the right side of the screen. If you can't figure out which button is the "Link's" page then you might as well call it quits, pack up, and leave town. I also wanted to point out that I have a smutbook page that started all of this (refer to my first blog post) and if you would like to like us and be a fan it can be found here. Also a few days ago I called into WILK and had a nice long talk with talk show host Corbett about immigration. If immigration issues arise again I'm sure I'll write a lengthy article about immigration when I run out of content but as for now I just wanted to throw some props Corbett's way for having a decent grasp of the situation in the food industry. I am very thankful and proud to be on the show. Radio talk shows are great. In general you can find a lot of great sources of information but ones that you can interact with are the best! On that note I encourage you to interact with me. Write me and e-mail, throw me a comment, throw dirt on my name in public and keep reading!

Point A to Point B

2012-06-25T20:02:00.002-07:00

I have recently undertaken a sharing of all of my collective information about restaurants. I sat down and starting writing my heart out. I soon realized that a lot of what I have to say is interesting but in order to understand it you really need some background. Then I sat down and started looking around and found that no one really ever has went to deep to create a background for Wilkes-barre food and restaurants. I feel that it's important if I'm going to sit down and belt out all the sensitive and opinionated information I at least do a little research of my own to see how I came about thinking that way. What I found was a limited amount of information, with a wealth of potential. For my upcoming next five articles I'm going to etching the tombstones of as many Wilkes-barre restaurants and establishments I can from the beginning of the settlement. I will illustrate with the help of the Luzerne County Historical society's resources how the way things started out pertains to today. I am deeply dedicated to seeing if there was a point in history where Wilkes-barre went wrong or if it's on it's way to being great, restaurant by restaurant, decade by decade. Towards the end I hope I can form a frame of reference as to why my opinions on things today play a part to creating a better future. A lot went down in Wilkes-barre that has a lot to do with food all over the world. So stay tuned!

Pokey Meat

2012-06-22T02:55:00.001-07:00

As a child Gumby used to be one of my favorite television shows. I grew up being psychedelically exposed to Art Clokey's Cali bomb vision of stop motion animation. I feel that it definitely helped and influenced my artistic and creative side. It still reflects a lot on me today. I always wondered as a kid what Gumby was made of, not how he would effect me as an adult. Somewhere around the same time that I began watching Gumby, I just happen to have been exposed to a PBS special on the food of France. I saw them feasting on horse meat. In my childish misconception I gave a crack at play-dough just to see how delicious pokey tasted. I was sadly disappointed and my misunderstanding of horse meat cost me a mouth full of non-toxic (which by the way doesn't mean edible) bad taste. I would like to talk a little bit about horse meat to help you avoid the same distraught. Let me begin by saying that I do not condone the mistreatment of any animal. Lets look at that statement very closely. We all know what it means to mistreat a cat or dog but where do those ethics apply when it comes to a food source? Are we mean to cattle and chickens when we kill them for food? Don't lie to yourself, of course we are. It is an inevitable amount of cruelty to kill and eat anything but it's also necessary in one way or another. I believe it is even more cruel to kill a food source animal and then let it go to waste. If it's gonna die, it should be eaten, and give it some respect by making it delicious and healthy. In ancient times when transportation and availability was low ancient people applied the same ethics to pets and sometimes people. No zombie. Do those ancient necessity driven practices effect us today? I think so. Please remember this is what I think and everyone is always aloud to be open and objective. That is in fact what the comment area of this blog is for. Please remember also though if your a vegetarian or vegan and you find any of this content objective, I understand. I get it, but human beings didn't evolve teeth and complex digestive enzymes for you to munch down on kelp, that's your choice. Don't force it on me. On the other side, if your a horse lover, I understand too. Please though refer to my animal cruelty comments above and pay attention to the rest of the article before you draw a conclusion.
Horses existed ferrel in the wild 50 or so million years ago as multi-toed creatures. They have since evolved into single hoofed Mr. Ed's everywhere. Horses existed in the wild as a prey animal. They have evolved amazing fight or flight instincts and higher levels of cognitive thought then most prey animals. The horses that exist today as "Wild" horses, that is, horses that have no history of domestication, are very few and far between and known as Przewalski's Horses. You might be lucky to see one in a Zoo or the next time your on a family vacation with your goon squad in Mongolia. Sometime before 3500 B.C. human beings began domesticating horses for there own personal needs. Sports, labor and leisure became the slogan for horses and the ancient world became dependent. To me it sounds like the cruelty to horses began right about then and it ends here by educating people about the delicious respect and knowledge someone can give to horses and horse meat as a species.
Horse meat has been eaten for 1,000s of years all over the world along with monkeys, elephants, Wombats(with a capital W for the Wu), and camels. Do any of these practices make any sense now that transportation and food storage needs have evolved? Did I mention dog and cat in that list? For now the answer to both of those questions is = who cares. The important thing is the education surrounding the eating habit. The majority of horse meat today is eaten in Japan and is referred to as Basashi. It is eaten raw, fried, baked, and any other way you can put it in your mouth. It is woven into the culture and history of the people. It's even a flavor of ice cream! Yeaaaa! Horse meat is also produced in the united states and I'd bet on any horse slaughtered that it's going on vacation. 50-60% of horse meat is exported to Japan and other countries to be eaten or fed to zoo animals. What's the moral of the story here? There isn't one. I just wanted to point a few things out about horse meat. Horses are beautiful and dignified creatures that can be your best friend like pokey or Mr. Ed. They are also delicious.
Clinging to a taboo about food can be dangerous and you can also end up thinking that horse tastes like Play-dough. On the other side of the spectrum, not viewing a commonly excepted food source as something to be educated about can be just as dangerous. We have all heard the horror stories about factories, anti-biotics, and the quality of the food we eat. I think that if people stopped using taboos about things like horse meat to defend there positions and not sound hypocritical, they would have more time to focus on the food safety and the animal rights of HUGE viable sources of food we consume daily all over the world. Pay attention. Educate yourself. Feed your brain. Your stomach and your body may someday thank you. Treat a friend to a snack:

Tasty Pony Poppers

1 1/4 cup Rolled Oats1/2 cup Flax Seed3/4 cup Dry Oats
1 cup Molasses
1/4 cup Flour
2 cup Grains(soaked)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all dry ingredients together. Mix molasses and soaked grain together in a small bowl, then mix into other ingredients. After that, ball up into small, flattened patties and place on a cookie sheet. Bake until well baked or a little bit burnt so they are really crunchy after they cool! Your horse will love you, even if your going to eat him.

Sandwiching

2012-06-19T19:08:00.005-07:00

Sandwiching

I have never met anyone that couldn’t tell you their favorite sandwich. Anyone who says they hate sandwiches is a lier and a coward (possibly a terrorist). From what human history can tell us, sandwiches began appearing around the 1700s as finger snacks in taverns. They were made of salted meat and crude breads. They get their namesake from all the shameless people that were kissing “ye ol royal arse” of an english failure of an aristocrat that had nothing to do with their creation, but only enjoyed them himself. John Montague a.k.a the swagman a.k.a the 4th Earl of Sandwich had such a huge fan-base that people adopted the term from the use of the word sandwich to explain they wanted what he was having. He just so happened to be enjoying some meat in between two slices of bread. Though in his time bread was often coarse and used as plates that were later fed to peasants or animals. See! Being a peasant wasn’t as bad as every one thinks, there were perks. When you want to get technical and ignore the Boston, Massachusetts court ruling that says, "this court finds that the term "sandwich" is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadilla, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans." then you will find the first appearances of sandwiches were around 110 B.C and served up by Hillel the Elder. You may also find yourself in jail for breach of contract of a non-compete clause. So really what I’m trying to do is help you stay out of jail. Hillel the Elder’s lamb and dank herb wraps were the earliest recounting of sandwiches in human history. Sandwiches come in 1,000s of shapes and styles and the only limitations are the level of human creativity. There are infinite numbers of bread, meat and cheese combinations. I love sandwiches. They are a comfort food to me. It can be pulled pork, a BLT, or even a Burger. In my times of need sandwiches come to me and soothe my soul. Below is a recipe for a super versatile sandwich that can be helpful and delicious.

Compliment Sandwich

A person who needs to be criticized productively
A criticism
Two compliments
Whit

Start off your your compliment sandwich by deciding where the person you are making the sandwich for is going wrong. This could include but is not limited to: friends/family/co-workers/dogs/cats/cybernetic humanoid underground dwellers(C.H.O.A.D.S.)/ and of course, one of your other personalities in the mirror, like Tim or Steve. Think of something they do very well that relates to the situation. Example: If there is a problem that you would like to criticize such as someone constantly showing up at your home with a trunk full of kidnapped pets, you can use a comment such as,”You know your really good at kidnapping pets”. The next step is to deliver the criticism. Example: “I think you should really stop bringing them into my home” Then close it out with another compliment related to the situation. Example: “Well, at least I think the pets enjoy getting out of the house, and having you tell them all about your childhood”. Compliment sandwiches are a great way to tell some one who is frail and delicate a criticism without crushing them with your overwhelming strength and honor. Enjoy!

Celebrity Guest Shots

2012-06-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

Long story short: A cook walks into a bar for a drink and ends up moving in with the beautiful bartender. A well written and read bartender to be exact. This week I found a little inspiration for my writing from my lovely and prestigious bartender girlfriend. I thought she needed an outlet to vent some of her pent up aggression and why not capitalize on it by making her write for my blog. That's called caring! I myself have never stepped behind a bar to serve a drink and truth be told I think there's a lot more to person-to-person customer service then we will ever know. I'm sure there is some insane complex chemical breakdown of the hormones that are induced when someone serves you poison that you willingly ingest and desire. "Cheers to the brain". I like that saying. It's kind of like destroying your hometown when you win the Stanley cup. Bars and bar tending are an important part of the husk's whole equation and on that note I'm sure this won't be the last time you get a lovely bartenders view on the issues. I always wonder if the great alcoholic writers and artists(Poe, Shakespeare, Hasslehoff) were really just the unlucky wake left over by a scourge of amazing bartenders. I am lucky to have one in house.

Happy Hour zero

Well hello to you, my happy hour heroes! You, in your grey blazer, your smart slacks... Thanks be to you! Oh, I’m sorry... Charcoal blazer.. Thanks be to you, for it is 5 pm and it is time for you to walk into a bar and be, well, simply put... you. My happy hour hero, my weekend warrior, now is your time to shine! You have worked a long hard week and nothing will keep you away from those cocktail peanuts.

Hello happy hour hero, it’s been a while! There’s your favorite bartender again! What’s her name? Laura, Lucy, Liza... oh who cares, she hates you anyway.

But that’s ok, because you are MY hero... Guzzling whiskey and pints of cheap half priced draft beer.

Wait... what’s this now? My potato skin scarfing, bacon loving, mozzarella stick admiring friend... Did you just try to order vodka? For you, or for the lady? For you? Well my friend, my comrade... vodka is not just for the ladies, you know. Even the prettiest pink drink will probably pack a punch harder than that Nancy boy whiskey you’ve been swilling...

So with that said, let’s go for something tasty here. We don’t need the cheap stuff... None of that Nikolai that your boss swills from a flask. None of that Banker’s Club that your 5th grade English teacher hid in her desk... Or was that just my English teacher? But, I digress. Hats off to you and the corduroy elbow pads on that blazer of yours if you have choked down some of that swill.

Me, I prefer a nice clean vodka. Triple distilled potato vodka to be exact.

So, while you’re celebrating happy hour this Friday, why don’t you buy your secretary one of these... And maybe she’ll finally really appreciate you and stop fantasizing about having the maintenance guy run you down with the lawn mower...

Secretary’s Slap>>>>>>>

1/2 oz Luksusowa Vodka

1/4 oz. Pama Pomegranate Liqueur

2-3 drops Pure Vanilla Extract

1/4 oz. Chambord Liqueur

Splash Sour Mix

Splash Cranberry Juice

Splash Grenadine

Splash Fresh Squeezed Lime Juice

Splash Lemon-Lime Soda

Shake. A Lot. The end product should be a tiny bit foamy.

Strain into a chilled martini glass, to keep it classy.

Top with a cherry and lime wheel, as well as your dignity.

The Good, The Bad, and The Huskly

2012-06-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Welcome to America today. The food you eat at a fast food chain can kill you, even though, most of us have been eating it since we’ve been children. The USDA and FDA are looked at as corrupt and defunct. It seems that everyone out there is an expert on molecular biology and food sanitation as soon as words like “pink slime”, “e-coli”, and “factory food” come into play. Everyone wants to eat natural, hormone free, free range, free spirit food that hasn’t been hazed or bullied. I’ve seen a lot of links on my newsfeed of everybody’s profound article or articles about what’s the next food epidemic or massive secret discovery on how something is bad for you. I decided I would like to write my own HITLIST of issues and get a few of my feelings out. Today is edition one of my online food information HITLIST. I like to think my ideas are valid based on my experience and knowledge, but everyone is always entitled to their own opinion. If you agree or disagree, I don’t care. I might sit down at bar and argue with you about it until my B.A.C. propels my dedication to yelling but….hey I care, that’s how it goes. Your best bet though is to just write your own blog and maybe I’ll read it. Save me the hassle of how right you are about everything and how wrong I am.

MSGEEEEEED UP!

Mono-sodium Glutamate or MSG has been compared to the devil when it comes to ingredients. The battle all started in 1968 when the term C.R.S. or Chinese restaurant syndrome was coined. Also, Dude, Chinese restaurant syndrome really should not be the preferred nomenclature but in 68’ I guess that was ok. There are about 23 ailments supposedly caused by the syndrome that range from runny nose to kidney failure. The bad guy that was blamed was MSG. MSG is a salt of glutamic acid, one of the most common amino acids in proteins. (To non-chemistry level scholars, “a salt of an acid” might sound like a jar of table salt made from a corrosive chemical. A basic chemistry description of a salt is “the result of a reaction of an acid and a base”. Let’s keep the salt description limited so I can write a salt article when my mind gets salty about something else to write about in about a week or so.) MSG has been used in cooking for give or take about 2000 years but, I feel that in the world of today it’s strange, different, and people don’t know about it so….. MSG is bad. On one side of the battle are the people that say MSG isn’t natural (even though it was originally derived from seaweed) and that it’s causing cancer among other ailments. On the other side of the spectrum are food manufacturers who use it to enhance the flavor of foods (no one can figure out how, but there’s a couple of good ideas going around). In the middle is the FDA, who treats MSG like most other ingredients in food. They say there are inconclusive results that it is unsafe to eat. They acknowledge that there are people that are sensitive to MSG that can definitely become ill and exhibit symptoms of all ranges. The FDA is now doing their best to make labeling more reflective of a products total content of MSG. So you see, there are a lot of good and bad ways to write off MSG. Don’t let people use MSG as a hot topic to wage war on Asian food or food production. Think about it objectively. Also remember that glutamates in many forms are labeled differently. If you’re scared or sensitive to MSG, look through your ingredients and know that whenever a label says hydrolyzed protein of any kind, autolyzed yeast protein, yeast extract, yeast nutrient, and natural flavor or flavoring; it probably contains a glutamate derived in a way that makes it not labeled as MSG. On an atomic level however, they are just a nono-hair shy of the same thing. Scary isn’t it? The way something is derived changes the way it’s labeled even though it’s the same thing? I wonder if the FDA looks at treatment and deriving processes. Next on the HITLIST=PROCESSES. I think the next article I’ll work on something a little more enjoyable and productive with a recipe though. I’ll just cross MSG off the HITLIST and throw on some Electric Light Orchestra………oh yeah and some lipstick.

Day One...

2012-06-07T04:54:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the food blog known as The Husk. The Husk was origionally concieved as a shot in the dark idea for a t.v. show. It was named after a word that my friends and I enjoy saying. It’s part of a dialect that’s been developing over many years in a small community of people with personalities that draw close similarities to a radioactive mutant sewer cult. Please understand, I don’t mean that in a bad way. My friends and I are like a cross between a helpful and friendly band of muppets; the vicious intensity of a homeless traintracks knife fight; and the pure stupidity of things like the live action show, Beauty and the Beast. Just look it up. A man with a tigers face isn’t scary, can never be taken seriously, and undoubtably will have the crappiest fan webpages taken right from 1990’s Compuserve. Either way, I love my friends and family that got behind me and encouraged a good idea. Crappy homemade videos, a few walks across Manhattan in the pouring rain, countless amounts of writing sent to everyone in television with an eyeball not bitten out, a kickstarter account that basically felt like a kickstart to the center of my chest, and here we are. I’m starting back at the beginning where I can talk about food the way I want to. Twice a week I’m going to provide some useful tips and recipies that I have learned along the way. If no one bothers reading it, at least to myself, I’ll be able to justify a couple thousand dollars worth of college writing courses. I’m sure you can see clearly indicated by my run on sentances that I was a Harvard scholar. I’ll get better though I promise. There’s just soo much to say right now. I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it. I’m about to loose control and I think I......well you get it. Speaking of loosing control. Here’s my first recipie for you to soak up.

Bath Salts:

Ingredients:

2 cups of Epsom salt

1 cup of sea salt

1.5 cups of finely pulverized oatmeal

1/2 ounce of lavender essential oil(easy to find actually, from Wally-mart to your local grocery store)

Preparation:

Measure out the salts and mix them together well, making sure to break up anything clumped together. It’s best to use a large stainless steel bowl for blending. Make sure the bowl is totally dry before adding anything to mix or you’ll just end up with bath paste. No one likes bath paste. Grind the oatmeal finely in a food processor or spice grinder. You want it about the consistency of the salt. Add it to the salts and mix well. Add the essential oil. I think the lavender makes a very soothing and relaxing bath salt blend, but you can use any fragrance or essential oil blend you like. Lavender is also a very fragrant and easy to grow plant from seed. It’s great to plant by the exhaust from your basement grow operation or torture chamber to mask the musk from that annoying neighbor. Once well combined, scoop the salts into jars or other air-tight containers. Add the oatmeal-salts to briskly running water and enjoy a soothing soak to some Yanni or Prodigy. You’re welcome.