The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar A sarcastic view of the world - with pictures! http://www.ralokz.com en Zak Kolar http://www.ralokz.com/2016/11/.html http://www.ralokz.com/2016/11/.html Mon, 07 Nov 2016 00:11:00 PST The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar Woah! He actually posted! Weird! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey people of the internet (who probably aren\'t reading this… I doubt anyone read when I was relatively good about posting semi-frequently, so I really doubt anyone is going to read this now. Whatever. For the rest of this post, and for all future posts, I am going to pretend that I am a super-famous blogger who has bazillions of readers. Then in like ten years when I do become that, when people look at my old posts, they\'ll think I was an instant hit. Then again, the odds of me having posted again in the next ten years are extremely unlikely. (I almost just put is there, but that would NOT BE CORRECT. I put oddS, which is a plural noun (now I\'m referring to the word itself, so I can use is. (And yes, I do owe you like three closed parentheses now.)))

So anyway, I haven\'t posted for a while. Actually, it\'s been almost a year. BUT NOT QUITE. Although I\'m almost positive I will soon be arrested for blog neglect. (Have I used that joke before? Believe it or not, I\'ve actually started a bunch of posts between when I last posted and now, but they never got very far. Or I ran out of stuff to say in them. Or I became repetitive in them. Or they got redundant. But anyway, I think I threw that blog neglect thing into all of them. But I\'m not sure if it actually got posted, or if it was in all of the ones that died. And I\'m too lazy to check. So I put it in this one just in case. Don\'t worry – it wasn\'t very funny in any of the other ones either. You aren\'t missing much.)

So… now I\'m out of stuff to say. But I\'m going to force myself to keep writing! Because if I don\'t, then this post, too, will end up in the \"never seen by the world\" category. And that is not a fun category to be in.

Guess what, everybody! I just thought of a rant topic for another post! Which means that in the near future, you should expect to see something that is more entertaining than this one!

Unfortunately, I wrote everything above this sentence several weeks ago (I know – this one almost died, but I\'ve got it on life support!). And I didn\'t write my awesome idea down. So I have no idea what it was. But I\'ll try to remember!

So yeah. This post is getting pretty long, but contains next to no actual content. I just keep talking about the post itself. Oh well. This is better than nothing!

I also just realized that I didn\'t draw a picture for this. So here\'s a picture of a cat:

 

I just realized that cat has the same color hair as me... That\'s weird.

Alrighty. I\'m done writing now. I\'d promise to write more often in the future, but who knows if that\'s going to happen?

Now I\'m really done writing. Peace!

P.S.

For those of you paying close attention at the beginning, and are warming up your fingers to call me out in a comment, here you go:

).

This post is actually only two non-parenthetical sentences...

]]> http://www.ralokz.com/2011/10/woah_he_actually_posted_weird.html http://www.ralokz.com/2011/10/woah_he_actually_posted_weird.html Sun, 09 Oct 2011 16:26:00 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar Things that annoy me about procrastination

  • We all do it

    Whenever you have to do something, there are always a million things that you\'d rather be doing or think are more important. Then you realize that you barely have any time left to do whatever it is you had to do originally, and you do a cruddy job on it. You promise yourself that you will never procrastinate again, and then you still do it. Also, once you finish what you were procrastinating, those things suddenly seem less important. Take me for example:

  • That one person who doesn\'t procrastinate

    So before I said that everyone does it. But let\'s be honest. We all know one person who doesn\'t do it. That awful, non-sleep-deprived, stress-free, satisfied person. They always have everything done way before it needs to be done, which completely ruins any theory that you might have had that your task was \"impossible\" and the lack of sleep was \"completely necessary\".

  • That person who procrastinates, but still does a good job

    This is the other person that we all know. They are probably the only person in the world who you think procrastinates more than you do, and yet they always seem to have an excellent finished product while yours is mediocre at best. It is people like them that keep people like us thinking that we can keep procrastinating and still get everything done.

  • The people mentioned in reasons 2 and 3 make some of my statement in reason 1 false.

  • Procrastination is overused in jokes

    Don\'t tell me that you haven\'t seen that shirt that says \"Procrastinators unite... tomorrow!\" or the Facebook group called \"End procrastinating... next week!\" or someone saying something about something that has to do with procrastination at a later time. We all get that you want to be clever, but we\'ve all heard some variation of that joke before. We all understand the irony in stating that you are going to stop procrastinating at a later time which is the definition of procrastination, but once we\'ve heard it 3 bajillion times it gets old. So please stop making that joke (or variations of it)!

    Not that I'm overusing this picture...

    The only things that annoy me more than procrastination jokes are hypocritical jokes.

  • I\'ll come up with more reasons later.

    • ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/10/things_that_annoy_me_about_procrastination.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/10/things_that_annoy_me_about_procrastination.html Sat, 30 Oct 2010 18:55:00 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar     Replies I'd like to send to annoying emails Dear advertisers who send me coupons to buy your products,
    Please stop sending me coupons that say "You can save 15% off of our latest product!" I know that I can't. I can either save 15%, get 15% off, or even save 15% ON your latest product; but I cannot save 15% off. It really annoys me when you say that, and I will not patronize your store if you continue this behavior.
    Thank you!
    Love,
    Zak

    How do you like this original picture?

    Dear Swiss Watch Knockoff salesman who I never gave my email address to and yet you spam me with your ads (which by the way is illegal),
    I really don't care how your $75 knockoff Swiss replicates look like $200 real Swiss watches. I am a teenager and am perfectly happy with my $15 sports watch that looks like a $15 sports watch. I would really appreciate it if you would stop sending me emails about your watches. I will be sure to let you know if I am ever interested. (That was sarcasm. You annoy me so I will not be buying anything from you.)
    Hugs and kisses (That was also sarcasm. You really annoy me),
    Zak

    Dear Prince Imafonee,
    I'm glad that you remember me from college, except I haven't even graduated High School yet. I'd say maybe you were thinking of a different Zak Kolar, but you didn't even address me by name in the generic sounding email you sent me.
    It's great to hear that you are now the prince of Tibecuador (although I'm not 100% sure that's a real country...) and that you recently inherited 3 bajillion dollars. It is very kind of you to offer me half of it, but I am not quite sure why you need my social security number, shoe size, favorite novel, or the name of my best friend's second cousin to send me the money. Since sending the money to me seems so complicated anyway, I think it would work out better for all parties involved if you instead donated it to the Unicorn Protection Foundation.
    Your old pal,
    Zak

    Dear stranged00d1991@freemail.com,
    I am so sorry to hear that all of your hair would have fallen out and killed you at midnight had you not forwarded this email, but I would appreciate it if you didn't send it to me. Believe it or not there is no magical force that can tell whether you have sent the email or not. If you are still concerned, though, I would also recommend not opening any emails whose subject are "FW:fwd:fwd:FW:Don't read this".
    I also understand that by sending it you also got a wish that will come true before your next birthday, but there are plenty of other opportunities to make wishes (such as at 11:11. If you need a watch, I know a guy who can set you up with some Swiss knockoffs very inexpensively.)
    -zak
    "some famous quote which i have changed the end of hoping that you will think i am witty even though it makes no sense"

    Dear major company that wants me to test their new product in return for much more money than the product is worth,
    I was wondering why although your email is written in the same style as the company which you represent, your email address is imnotascammer123@freemail.com.
    Also, I find it strange that besides asking for my address to ship the test product to, you are also asking for the name of my first girlfriend, the color of my bedroom walls, and what my favorite type of non-chocolate candy is. I do not want to give you this information about me, so I will pass up your offer on testing your product. However, since you seem to have lots of money, you could donate some to the Unicorn Protection Foundation. My friend Prince Imafonee (who I could swear has the same email address as you) is donating 1.5 bajillion dollars to them on my behalf, but I'm sure they are always looking for more.
    Sincerely,
    Zak

    ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/replies_id_like_to_send_to_annoying_emails.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/replies_id_like_to_send_to_annoying_emails.html Sat, 21 Aug 2010 10:18:55 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar     8-9-10! Such a cool date! I just received this email from that little box in the corner that says contact me (well the box didn't send it. Actually technically it did. Or at least it passed it on to the server monkeys who passed it on to me. I mean that the box didn't write it):

    Hey Zak,
    I noticed that you have not posted for a few days. Is this blog going to die like all of your other blogs?

    OK. So actually I wrote it, but I really did use the contact form!

    Anyway, now that the question is out there, I think I should answer it.

    This blog is (hopefully) not going to die like the other ones. Although, instead of posting daily, I'm only going to post when I have something interesting to post about because it wouldn't be very interesting if I only posted what I ate for breakfast or something every day (Which, by the way, is usually nothing so that would make it even less interesting than it already was).

    Now that I've addressed my "fan mail", I need to actually talk about something. I've done some pretty exciting things in the past few days, but I don't feel like writing them. (And I'm not just saying that. I seriously have done stuff! I just don't want to write about it. Which is sort of weird... since you'd think my blog would be about me... but me doesn't want to write about me's life so me will write about something else. And me will also use bad grammar if me wants to.)

    Let's see... I need a picture. But I haven't really written anything yet, so I don't know what it should be of. Maybe if I draw a picture first and then write about it...

    I call this "weird picture". I created it in my super-high-quality graphic editing program. It is... creative and original and worth... next to nothing.

    To explain the previous picture and the lack of interesting content, I have created this chart (again in my super-high-quality graphic editing program) that shows my levels of creativity throughout the day. (Right now it is about 11:50 pm. As you can see, my creativity is plummeting.) Now that I think about it, since I used green for the line, it looks like it has something to do with money. (I was going to make a joke about not getting paid for creativity until I realized that it wasn't funny.) Which brings me to my next graph:

    I think this one is pretty self explanatory. (By the way, given the current time, I'm finding these charts pretty funny. Unfortunately, I doubt that you do or that I will in the morning. Oh well!)

    So based on the two charts, and considering it's practically midnight (It's actually a little after but I'm changing the time so that the date is still 8-9-10), I think that it's time that I stop posting. So until next time, see ya!

    ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/8_9_10_such_a_cool_date.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/8_9_10_such_a_cool_date.html Mon, 09 Aug 2010 21:58:45 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar     Things That Annoy Me About Movies

  • Computers always beep and make other noises, no matter what you are doing. Dragging the mouse across the screen always makes that "digital" noise (I couldn't think of a better word for it), and then it beeps when they click it! Even though this never happens in real life, it always makes the movie seem more lifelike. (which is apparently one word. You learn something new every day!) If my computer made all those noises all the time, I think I'd get pretty annoyed pretty quickly. And when I get annoyed, I sometimes over react.

    So maybe that blow torch wasn't such a good idea.

  • The evil villains from other countries always speak English with an accent, even when they are only with their people. I know that it makes the movie easier to understand than subtitles, but it isn't accurate! If they spoke with a foreign accent in English, it wouldn't be their normal language, so why would they speak it when they were only with their own people? And the really annoying part is that the foreign accent still seems to make it more realistic than having an American accent.

    (This graphic was remove due to... well to be honest it wasn't actually drawn in the first place. I mean how do you draw a picture of someone talking with an accent and make it funny?)

  • Bad guys are always such bad shots. Even the most dangerous criminals and their henchmen never seem to be able to hit the main characters when they shoot at them. The good guys can be standing in the middle of an almost deserted parking lot when the bad guys start shooting and still make it to their car without being hit.

    (No stick figures were harmed in the making of this picture. The gun was loaded with blanks. Although even if it had bullets, the bad guy wouldn't have been able to do any harm anyway.)

  • Bad guys' computers always seem to have a very user-friendly interface and are super easy to hack. No matter how dangerous the bad guy is, his (or her) computer always politely asks for a password (which is easily guessed within 4 tries) and then displays a message confirming the password is right. Once the good guy is in, they always seem to be able to find whatever they're looking for very quickly and easily so that they can stop it. Did I mention that they do all this from the keyboard, typing at speeds that seem like they should break world records, without ever touching the mouse?

    • ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/things_that_annoy_me_about_movies.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/things_that_annoy_me_about_movies.html Tue, 03 Aug 2010 09:49:53 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar     Day two: FIRE MAKING! So you know that plan I had yesterday to do something more exciting? It didn't really happen. I spent another day on the computer the whole time. Luckily, I'm getting my leg massaged tomorrow which will hopefully take care of the knot.

    (This seems like the place to put a picture. Well I'm not drawing me getting a massage. That would be a little weird.)

    Anyway, I spent more time working on websites. In fact, I worked on this one. At the time of writing this, it's almost done! I'm very excited about it. (Yes, I know I'm a nerd.) I just can't figure out how to get the side bar to work... Hopefully by the time you're reading this it'll be done.

    OH! I just remembered something that I can actually write about. We had a fire pit tonight. Roasted marshmallows (which I always thought was spelled with an "e" until the spell checker just yelled at me), got eaten by mosquitoes, (I didn't know that had an "e", either. I'm rather against using "e"s in words apparently), and did stuff (we really didn't do anything else besides that, but I set the sentence up to have at least three actions, so I had to add that one.)

    One of the fun parts of the fire pit is how we light it. Some people use matches:

    Which don't usually work out too well. Others use lighters:

    Which are sometimes more successful than matches, are a little more dangerous. Plus, you usually let go of the trigger when your hair catches on fire, and you have to go through the trouble of lighting it again. To avoid these annoyances, we use a blow torch.

    It's much more efficient. See how quickly that worked? Well I guess you can't see from a badly drawn picture. But trust me. It's really fast.

    I don't think this was much longer than yesterday's, but I filled it with more valuable content. HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. But now you know the most efficient way to light a fire. So go. Be free. USE YOUR NEW FIRE MAKING ABILITY!

    ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/day_two_fire_making.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/08/day_two_fire_making.html Sun, 01 Aug 2010 20:16:19 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar     Another day stuck at home Today was kind of boring. Actually, it was really boring. My leg is still healing (like it has been for the past week), so I wasn't very active. It doesn't hurt as much, but it still spasms randomly and my knee buckles so I look like I don't know how to walk.

    OK. So no one actually saw my lack-of-the-ability-to-walk because I was at home all day in front of the computer. Although having a reason to code websites 24/7 is every nerd's dream, it's getting a little old. I think I'll turn into a zombie soon...

    So if you happen to see a zombie who appears to have walking problems, it's probably me.

    I didn't really do anything else worth writing about today, but this doesn't seem like a long enough post. While I'm trying to figure out how to make my day more exciting so that I can post more, you can go to XKCD and read some comics.

    ]]>     http://www.ralokz.com/2010/07/another_day_stuck_at_home.html http://www.ralokz.com/2010/07/another_day_stuck_at_home.html Sat, 31 Jul 2010 20:34:38 PDT The Illustrated Life of Zak Kolar