The Indian American Feminist

What Is "Being A Indian Woman"?

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Sat, 13 Apr 2019 00:46:00 +0000

Being An Indian Woman Is

.....your grandmother telling you that she and her sisters were considered "rocks" by her father

.....knowing she wanted to become a professor but was unable to because of marriage

.....her saying that she had to come running when her husband called and couldn't "yell"

.....how her mother married young and had 9 kids (no birth control)

.....how most of your female ancestors must have lived this way

.....when your mother serves your father first and calls him the head of the house

.....when your mother tells you that women have to be happy for the men getting their Thread Ceremony when you ask why you're not getting one

.....when there is an emphasis on your beauty, height, weight and skin tone and being beautiful is a "must"

.....remembering being forced into uncomfortable Indian clothes at 6 years old and made to pose for pictures like putting finger on chin??

....your mother telling you to learn cooking because women need to know it

....parents making fun of ghar jamai and calling you "paraya dhan"

....father saying that if he were a woman, he would focus on being beautiful so marriage would be to someone $$$

....mother being obedient & submissive to father

....father always driving and mother in passenger seat

....fearful & unconfident mother who cares a little too much about pleasing others and what others think...similar to lots of Indian women who slave away in the kitchen and serving their in laws

....Kanyadaan being written into the wedding ceremony

....even now, women moving to their husband's house

....not being able to have your own ideas or be yourself in front of relatives (like mentioning this rebellious blog :p)

....mother telling you to work part time after kids because you'll obviously be the one taking care of them

and many more.

But being an Indian Woman is also about having the power to shape the culture and future for the better.

Questions to Ask for Arranged Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 05:27:00 +0000

If you are getting an arranged marriage, then there are definitely some questions you should ask to make sure he is as egalitarian as possible...here are the ones I could think of:

Do you think women should behave a certain way?
Do you think they are the "keeper of the flame" , or responsible for keeping their reeti-reevaj (traditions) alive?
Do you believe in horoscopes?
What principles do you value (commitment, integrity, honesty, punctuality, honoring your word?)
What would be your "ideal" wife?
What would be your "ideal" relationship?
What are you looking for in a spouse (equality or complementary roles?)
Do you believe in gender essentialism?
What do you think is required for a good relationship (respect, trust, honesty)?
What do you value in life (materialistic vs simple life)?
Do you believe in traditional gender roles?
What makes you think you're ready for marriage?
Why arranged? Why now?
Are you the type of person to follow traditions/rules blindly, or do you think about what you are doing?
What are you passionate about? What makes you feel alive?
How much are you into Indian culture/nationalism?
Do you believe in the caste system?
Are you an independent person who has their shit together (knows how to cook, do chores)?
Would you consider yourself a mature person?
What causes are important to you?
Do you have your own thoughts and beliefs or are they the same as your parents?
Are you the type of person that needs to be reminded often?
Do you want a relationship where you are always with the other person, or do you need space?
How comfortable are you defying the status quo ?
How much do you care about what others think of you?
How do you continually improve yourself ? (working hard, etc)
What is the definition of a man to you and the definition of a woman?
How important is health and exercise to you?
Would you consider yourself a driven and ambitious person?
Is sense of humor important to you?
Are you open-minded and tolerant of others' beliefs (live and let live policy)?
How is your relationship with God?
Are you an intellectual who likes lively debate and deep conversations for mental stimulation?
Would you consider yourself an optimistic and happy person?

From Nazreen at penguinpeeks.blogspot.in

Before I got married I must have read hundreds of articles on how to prepare for marriage, what to discuss with your fiancé(e) etc. But these questions are mostly personal, what is important to one person might be nowhere near necessary for someone else. So the specific questions I asked might not be helpful for you. But, I want to help those of you who asked for 'the list'. This is going to be a semi-long article, so if you want to grab a cuppa tea or coffee, go for it. I'll wait.

Back? Are you teady (ready with tea-geddit? geddit)?

1.Write your introduction BEFORE you go into the questions.
Before you determine what questions to ask, you need to figure out who you are. Without that, it's hard to come up with the right questions. So write a one page (or more) introduction- name, cultural/religious/academic/professional background. A lil' bit about your family. What you like doing in your free time-hobbies/pastimes. What are the causes close to your heart? What do your close friends say you are- introvert? extrovert?fun loving? adventurous? What are your goals for yourself- 5 years/10 years down the line?

1.a. After you write an intro, on a separate page write- what are your priorities in life- family, career, education? In what order? What are the things you absolutely cannot live without? Do you need to travel to a new place every year? What are you passionate about- art, business, travel? Do you need to work on a higher degree after a few years? Are there certain traits that piss you off? BE CLEAR OF YOUR DEAL BREAKERS! (This page is for yourself, to understand where you stand)

2. Write what you expect from a husband/wife- how much should he/she contribute in the household chores? How should they pitch in the finances? How should they meet your emotional needs? How much emotional needs? Now you don't have to send this bit to your potential partner, it can put some people off. I just sent it to mine because I am a bit crazy like that. And I think anyone who gets scared by this kind of stuff isn't worth being considered anyway. But this page is just to help you, like a reference, when the person answers your questions. (NOTE: Sometimes you may find that a person doesn't fit in with everything you are looking for. That is natural. No one is going to find a custom made spouse that checks all boxes. So in things that aren't that important to you, be open)

3, Frame your questions along your priorities and deal breakers. I can't tell you which questions to ask since each one of us has different experiences and expectations. But here are some general questions that might be helpful in the process-

Do you like chai? I am kidding, don't ask that! :

a. Tell me a bit about yourself. Your background, where you were raised, your family, your education and job etc.
b. Do you have any close friends? What do you guys usually do when you hang out?
c. What do you like to do in your free time?
d. Do you like to travel? Where all have you visited? Would you like to travel as a couple after marriage? How often?
e..What are your expectations of your partner? Spiritually, In terms of decision making at home, regarding raising kids. And also in terms of housework?
f.Are you okay with your spouse pursuing higher education after marriage? Will you be supportive of her career after children?
g.In future, if the situation arises and you are given an opportunity to live and work in a different country, are you willing to explore it?
h. What is your take on joint families? (This is mostly for desis)
i. What do you think constitutes abuse, for both men and women?
k. What do you think are the rights and responsibilities of a husband/ wife?
l. What are your professional plans over the next five/ten years?
m.Do you like kids? Have you thought of when you want to have children?
n.. What are your views on religion? How much/how little do you practise/want to practise?
o. Tell me about your siblings. What kind of relationship do you have with them?
p. Which are your favourite books/movies?
q. Do you volunteer anywhere? What are the causes close to your heart?
r. Are you financially dependent on anyone? Is there anyone who depends on you?

These are just some questions you can ask. Some are light hearted ones which give you a general idea of the person. The others are more serious and can give you a glimpse of the core values and beliefs the person holds close. Ask the important questions first, the rest can follow as a natural conversation (or it will become like an interview!) Please note that you must know the answers for these too for yourself. That way you can compare where you guys stand on a lot of issues.

At the end of the day, there is no guarantee they will answer the questions honestly, but at least you have taken a step in the right direction by doing your homework instead of just hoping things turn out all right.

Was this helpful? What are some other questions you think need to be on the list?

A Letter to Indian Society: Why I Want to Make You Uncomfortable With My Body

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 04:26:00 +0000

A Letter to Indian Society:

Dear Indian Society,

We have a problem. You see, although there are many upsides to our culture, one of the downsides is that we have a hard time talking about sensitive issues. We think it's important to pretend everything's perfect and if it isn't, then we just blame it on the person with the least power (usually the woman). This is because our reputation is the most important. We think if everyone just followed THE RULES of Indian morals/values, then nothing bad would happen.

We are especially uncomfortable when talking about how womens' bodies are controlled and used. To many people, a woman's body itself is an unclean thing. Many people don't know how to deal with it, or think about it since it is seen as inherently sexual, and therefore something both to be wanted and hated. Everything that comes out of it is bad, and the best way to handle a woman's body (if you were unfortunate enough to be born with the body of a woman) is to not think about it at all and let your husband handle it.

But enough. These are some reasons why I want to make you uncomfortable with my body.

1. The real pain of children, women, and men being raped, and the perpetrators getting away with it because it is "bad" and "shameful" and "dirty" to talk about is more important to me than your being uncomfortable.

Keeping children ~~innocent~~ ignorant about sex and romanticizing sexual innocence in women makes you comfortable.

Because of your comfort, children don't have words to describe their sexual assault or rape. I want to give them the words to describe "good touch" and "bad touch" and what parts of their body are. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, even if children do know what is happening to them, they hide it. They think their bodies become dirty. They feel fear, guilt and shame. I want them to know it is not their fault. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, families hide and shush and quiet sexual assault and rape. They "keep it in the family". They tell victims to "forgive". Their reputation and image is more important than the victims. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, some women don't know what sex is until their wedding night. Forget even talking about pleasure or consent. I want them to know about their bodies, learn to enjoy their bodies and be respected. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, marital rape is still legal in India because the fact a man can go long periods inside a marriage (which is the only place sex is socially approved) is seen as barbaric. I want a woman's "marital duty" to be abolished. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, I lose my "honor" when I'm raped or sexually assaulted. The blame gets placed on me. Last time I checked, my honor does not reside in my vagina. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, I lose my morality when I lose my virginity (outside of a socially accepted marriage of course). My morality has nothing to do with my sexuality because the critical thinking skills needed to make decisions between good and bad choices reside in my brain, not my vagina. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, society still accepts a rapist and considers the rape as a "mistake" if the perpetrator is rich or powerful enough. I want that to be considered unacceptable. I want to make you uncomfortable.

Because of your comfort, the medically correct and objective term for my genitals is censored and taboo, while similar words such as "pussy" and "chutiya" are used for insults and thrown around freely.

I hope there comes a point when you are comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Sincerely,
Me

Can Arranged Marriages Work?

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 04:21:00 +0000

So in Indian culture, there's a taboo of physical contact before marriage. Usually, the boy or girl study first (more emphasis on the boy tho because he has to have a stable job before marriage duh) and find a stable job, then get married. Any contact with the opposite sex before that is seen as unnecessary and a distraction in the best case scenario, and in the worst case scenario, there is an underlying fear or paranoia that you will fall in love with somebody not respectable enough and get pregnant/get them pregnant.

Indians are also practical people, so they think marriage can't be based on "love" which can be a fleeting emotion. Instead, marriages are based on compatibility of the families, income, stability, security, same religion, etc.

This is because the purpose of marriage isn't to bring two people together who love each other (like the western ideal), it's to set up a family unit that can function inside the larger joint family unit and propagate children to continue the lineage. The compatibility of the children is not seen as the main point, and the logic is that as long as they like each other, they will "adjust" to each other after they're married, since they're stuck together for life.

That's why there are certain expectations for both people in the marriage, especially for the woman. It's assumed that she will move to the boy's house. If not that, there is an assumption that she will take care of the boy's parents. Also, she will know how to cook and take on the responsibility of the household chores and also keep up the religious festivals and the culture. Obviously she will quit her job or pay less attention to it after a child is born (children are assumed also).

The boy's parents are not only looking for a wife, but a daughter-in-law that can bring joy to the household and cheerfully take care of the family and get along with everyone.

There is a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy in this system where both the boy and the girl don't learn anything if their life is set up for them. Moreover, if they are told not to engage with the opposite sex, then there is no chance to learn about healthy relationships or how the opposite sex thinks, feels and behaves. The children grow up sheltered from reality.

For girls this results in an ignorance about anything sexual and a low confidence about her abilities after being told that her end goal is marriage. For boys this results in a sense of entitlement where they expect their wife to fill their mother's shoes even if those wives have an equal education. It also results in them not knowing how to talk to women and therefore being "creepy". They grow up thinking women are mysterious or to be feared.

If anyone breaks these expectations and "fails", such as getting pregnant before wedlock, or getting raped, obviously it is because they did not do as they were told. If they had just listened to the elders, this wouldn't have happened.

Now, not all arranged marriages are bad. They can be a great way to meet people if you know what you're looking for, who you are as a person, and if you think for yourself. In the end, even the parents don't really know what they're doing because arranged marriage is a crap-shoot, especially if you both have 0 relationship experience and are expected to stick it out.

The best thing you can do is see how many morals/values you have in common (not to be confused with hobbies) and ask a ton of questions.

Healthy Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 19:59:00 +0000

Healthy Relationships are based on love, not attachment. Here's the difference between the two.

Attachment: Insecurity, fear, control, possessiveness, dependence, security blanket, not complete without the other person, heavy emotional dependence.

Love: Freeing, independent, Want not need, no expectations of your happiness depending on the other person, unconditional, no rules/restrictions that are suffocating the other person. Complete and whole in yourself. Healthy Emotional dependence.

General Conduct/Self Confidence Tips for Women

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 14:19:00 +0000

Don't talk about deep personal issues
Keep it playful / lighthearted
"Tread lightly"
Serious when serious, able to explain and be an intellectual when that time comes
Have that certain spark or fire inside you you
Learn how to handle awkward situations/not be awkward (don't try too hard, just be at ease with yourself, don't be so blunt, have emotion and expressiveness in what you say, common courtesy)
Don't need to open yourself up so freely with other people at first even if you have a connection

Do your best
Try to understand everything as much as possible
Don't take yourself too seriously
Self assured
Put yourself out there (Dance, etc)
Express yourself
Laugh at yourself
Be grateful, positive, optimistic
Be happy inside, don't depend on anyone else for it
Life's too short to make excuses

Why Being Childfree Should Be An Option For Any Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 06:14:00 +0000

Women who decide to be childfree get a bad rap in Indian culture. I think having kids and not having kids are equal, and one should not be derided over the other. Your personal choice depends on what kind of person you are and what your values are.

However, there are people who think that children is mandatory for keeping the Indian family intact. And I'm not saying that people who choose not to have kids absolutely hate kids- most like kids and are very nurturing people, they just don't think they could do it full time. That's like saying that just because you like football casually you should become a football player.

I think that's a very selfless view to have rather than just bringing a child into the world because you want it and not thinking of whether you can handle the responsibilities to give it a good upbringing. This is the opposite of selfish, which is what some people believe about women not having children.

Additionally, there are even more obstacles for Indian women should they choose to have kids (tradition, meddling society, expectations of how they should be as a mother/conduct their family). Some women don't have consent over their body or family planning after marriage because they are seen as the property of their husband's family.

You have to realize that love isn't based on blood. You can adopt a child or love a child that isn't your own blood like it's your own, just like you can abuse your child even if it's your own. Your DNA has nothing to do with your love - your child could grow up to be a completely different person than you whereas someone that's not related might be more similar. An extreme example is a child that grows up to be a serial killer.

Anyways, these are just my $.02 on why being childfree should be an option for any woman. You should not look at children like assets, you should raise a child because you want to give it love. Even better if you adopt a child from a broken home that would not have had that life if you had not taken care of it.

Indian culture cannot come at the detriment of an individual's freedom and happiness.

My Ideal Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 05:52:00 +0000

My ideal relationship would have to be based on Khalil Gibran's poem On Marriage.

On Marriage
Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

My ideal relationship is one where we are focused on our own goals but together.

Where we love each other a lot and are best friends but we have an emotionally independent relationship (not codependent).

Where we support one another and treat each other as equals

A relationship based on love and freedom not control and possessiveness
A relationship where we are not stuck at the hip and become "One Thing"

Where we both have the same goals and strive to achieve them: see quote below

To Have or Not to Have Kids?

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 05:33:00 +0000

In Indian culture, getting married and having kids is a no-brainer. However, it shouldn't be a responsibility to have a child. But before you make any decision, you should think about whether it's right for you. Here are some pros and cons to having or not having children. We will also explore if there is a middle ground.
Obviously since at the moment I have decided to be childfree, I have a lot more pros to that but you can add pros to having children if you can think of any.

Being Childfree

Can be independent, yet still family oriented (on your own terms because you are not tied down with a responsibility per se). You can still be a nurturing person and help the world in other ways.
If you have kids, you can still be independent, but obviously not have the same level of independence as someone without kids

You can have time to enhance your own mind and body.
If you are sure about your choice, you can have no regrets at the end of your life.
You can be free from attachment and happy at the end.
If you are religious, you can devote your time to God.

You are emotionally stronger if you are not dependent on your family (like so many Indian women are) and have your own sense of identity.
Whatever you achieve will truly be on your own
You can still have family values and be family oriented, but you are likelier to be less attached to kids. You can be "connected but free".
You can have more "me" time and more fun in your life.
Can advance your career, travel.

You will have a sense of self that is dependent on who you are, not your value as a mother.
You can have a higher purpose, such as giving time to children from broken families or having more money to donate. You can have an impact on more than one person's life.
Your life can be quiet, relaxing and peaceful.
You can focus on your own goals (be self actualized).
You can have equal respect and freedom from your spouse, whereas in Indian traditional marriages, after having kids, it's expected that you do more as the lady of the house (maintain traditional gender roles).
Less chance of being co-dependent with your children
In actuality, you don't need to have your children be from your own blood. There are adopted children who are loved so much, as well as blood fathers and mothers abandoning their child. Love isn't based on blood.

There is already overpopulation and not having a child can do more for the environment than any campaign can.
Having small daily drama in family (Johnny didn't get ready for lunch on time, Johnny late for soccer practice, arguments between parents and children) --miss the big picture on the fact that this is not what life's about? Also called everyday drudgery.
However, people will judge you/mock you. A lot of pressure to have kids.

Having Children

You can be "settled down".
"Safety" and someone to take care of you in old age (although not a guarantee they will).
You can live a domestic life.
Survival of lineage/caste system
You can be the perfect happy family and "nest".
Making your own comfort zone and bubble
Security (although life can change at any moment and that security is illusory)
Safety in numbers
Life passes by more easily with kids
Following the status quo and relating with others
There is less "fun" but more "contentment" and "satisfaction" - can this also be achieved by meditation if you don't have kids
Warm fuzzy feeling of having your own people that care about you - can this also be achieved by childfree people?
Can pass on your heritage/culture/sanskaar/tradition/legacy to your own blood
You have an identity connected to your relationships
Deep attachment (good or bad thing?)
Kodak/Hallmark moments such as graduation, wedding, etc
Having a support circle (but you can still have that if you don't have children)
Comparison with other families and what their kids are doing

Middle Ground

Although very hard, you can have a life outside of kids if you do choose to have them but it involves having a supporting spouse who actually pitches in.
You can make the children independent from a very young age and not have them be codependent on you.
You can try to put yourself first and still have your own hobbies and identity outside of kids.

Tips for Self Confidence

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 20:50:00 +0000

Before I start, I want to say that I posted this because I had an issue with this with my sister. I was emotional and wearing my heart on my sleeve and she just laughed at me. I realized that you need to be more cool, calm and collected in life. You can't display your true opinions always or show how you're really feeling to everyone. You need to be smart and decide which people need to know what. You can't be the same with everyone.

The vegetarian example is personal because I had someone I just met ask me why I was vegetarian and I have a habit of telling the absolute truth so I said my religion after which she was like "That's weird" which of course broke my heart being the sensitive person that I am but I could tell she picked me because I seemed introverted and because of that, I couldn't get my confidence up for the rest of the night. I need to know how to brush those people off and not take their opinions so seriously.

Don't always think about whether people like you or not when you're having a conversation with them. You're giving them the power of approval over you. Don't always need to answer everything.
If someone is yelling at you, stay calm and respond quietly and politely. It will make you look level-headed and the other person more unhinged.
It's ok to walk out of a conversation if you feel you're being attacked and then come back only when they treat you with respect.
Just because someone asks you something doesn't mean you need to tell them the truth or tell them everything. Be selective and deliberate in what you say based on who they are.
You don't always need to scramble to find an answer good enough for them.
Don't apologize for who you are.
Just because someone tells you to do something doesn't mean you need to do it.
You are open to suggestions but you make the decision yourself.
Just because you say something doesn't mean you need to justify yourself or elaborate to others why you did what you did/why you believe in something.
It's not your job to reassure everyone or be everyone's everything.
Don't immediately open your mouth. Judge the situation, analyze and observe the people and customize what you say according to that (personal vs professional situation). Gear it towards the person you want to impress or get something from (boss, etc). Know that what you say impacts your reputation.

*Don't need to say too much and chatter on and on. But what you do decide to say should be important.

You don't need to apologize or be bashful/sheepish for your opinions and choices. Learn how to take compliments confidently. For example, someone said I had a good picture and my response was that I had photo shopped it. I thought I was being humble but I wasn't. There's a difference in being humble and having low self esteem.
You don't immediately need to have an answer for others the minute they question you. Take a moment of silence to formulate it. Don't "jump" to impress them.
Don't immediately react to others/get defensive. Don't be sensitive/reactive/easy to provoke. If someone says something negative on purpose about your strongly held opinion, they are testing you to see how you react.
Know that you don't need to react to everything someone says. Sometimes people are just immature and are trying to provoke you/be annoying on purpose. Everything doesn't deserve a response. Have self-control over your anger/emotions. Pick your battles.
Example of assertiveness: If someone speaks over you, wait until they are done and then say "As I was saying.." You will look humble because you let them speak and assertive also.
Establish boundaries: If someone tries to make fun of you after meeting you, they are trying to see what your limit is and what they can get away with. Nip that shit in the bud. Stop the conversation immediately, make eye contact and say that you will not be treated that way. I had someone make fun of my height seconds after we met and it was clear they thought I was someone who wouldn't say anything and they were right.
Don't be intimidated by someone's confidence. Sometimes people act more confident than they are to feel secure.If someone is saying something to you, it is ok to walk out and come back only when they are polite. I was working in a group once and felt like I had to tolerate this behavior because we were a group. I don't have to tolerate that.
Don't always need to show people how affected/upset you are/the way you're feeling to people you don't trust or to people who are bullying you. Control your expressions. It makes them have power if you show them how much they affect you.
If someone says something negative to you, think about whether it was appropriate for THEM to say it or not. Ex: Question: Why are you vegetarian? Response: That's kind of rude, don't you think? We've only met and you're asking me about my personal ideologies. INSTEAD OF Response: Shrugging shoulders, lowering head and saying "It's just the way I am". You can judge them back also. Think about whether they have the right to ask you that or if they are getting too personal/offensive. You can question them back. Don't have an inferiority complex and start to answer their question.
You can be passive aggressive and not say everything directly and truthfully. Use humor to be composed. Ex: ~~Why are you after me because I'm vegetarian?~~ Say this instead: Wow, you're really obsessed with me being vegetarian, aren't you? Say it with a smirk and confidence.
Don't always be overenthusiastic and ready to bend backwards to help others. For example, if someone is coming over to visit you, don't jump to show them the sights and attractions and take them out to eat. In short, don't be invested in it too much.

Be cool- it's alright they're coming over, it's not the best thing ever. Don't stretch yourself.
Be collected, calm, in control, confident and deliberate in what you do. Always be in control of yourself--no emotional outbursts etc. Don't be overemotional and understand that people's reactions towards you say more about them than you.
You don't need to tell your life story to everyone you meet because it makes them uncomfortable. Don't need to voice your every opinion and thought. Have a funny tidbit to share that shows who you are but not too much. Don't need to share too much.
Don't be too available to others or push yourself on others too much. Hold back and be reserved. Don't be full on/overpowering/clingy/overbearing.
Don't lay yourself/underestimate/criticize yourself in front of everyone when you meet, meaning you're nothing and the other person is something. No, you're something too. Have some pride.
Don't have too many expectations. For example if you meet someone who you connect with, don't immediately think that you're best friends or something. Don't immediately get too attached. Find your happiness in yourself and be grounded in yourself. Have your own life, hobbies, friends.
Have self-respect/don't grovel. If you know you are a second option to somebody, you don't need to go crawling towards them.
You can listen and nod your head to what somebody says but then go and do your own thing anyways.
Realize that sometimes you're going to have to pretend. For example, if Shelia said something hurtful to you, and then you are meeting Shelia at a professional party, you're going to have to pretend like nothing happened. You can't bring your personal stuff in and not talk to Shelia or ask her directly why she was mean to you and expect her to give you an honest answer. Not everything in life is that simple/uncomplicated. Because Shelia will probably laugh in your face for being too naive and then you will cry because you are too sensitive because not everyone is literal like you.
Don't be too sensitive to other's opinions/approval. Don't give them that power.
You can't make someone like you.
Don't believe everything you hear/be an ingenue.
Don't need to voice your every thought or show someone who you are and what you believe in right away. Do it bit by bit depending on what you want them to know about you.
Don't immediately think that the other person is right and apologize first. Especially if the other person is in a position of power.
Don't make enemies but don't take shit either. Be kind but assertive towards everyone. This will be easier if you are secure in yourself.
Respond to people smartly. Speak up/call people on their bullshit when you don't like something/feel as if you are being attacked. You're not being entitled. Don't censor your opinions to please everyone because nobody will respect you that way. Have some solid opinions that show who you are. Sure, everyone will like you because you don't take up space/bend to them but no one will respect you. They won't see you as anyone important/worth competing for.
Don't have to tell people the details. For example: Why are you graduating late? Say something vague like: It just took me longer to find my path than saying that you didn't like your major and you failed out. Don't say anything negative about you.
Everyone loves you until you become competition.
Cool, calm, collected, in control, composed, polished.

Men Who Stare At Women

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Thu, 03 Nov 2016 21:52:00 +0000

I was recently contacted by an independent filmmaker who made a film called "Men Who Stare At Women". She asked me to share it to give more exposure. Here is what she had to say:

" In this video, we have basically walked down the streets of Mumbai and confronted those men who stared blatantly at us women. Just to be clear, this wasn't them just checking us out. This was a predatory stare - I am sure you have seen this yourself. Our concept was simple - we just wanted to know why they stared so. Was it that a woman walking down the streets was a relatively uncommon sight? Was it just poor social conditioning?

But the responses we got were just not what we were expecting. To an extent, even threatening. We even saw one man justifying rape! All starting from a simple so-called harmless stare.

So the reason I am writing to you now is because I want to share this video far and wide. This is not just a mentality that exists in India's daughter. This is a mentality that seems to permeate through all layers of society. And we need to be aware of it. And we need to be wary of it.

I would request you to please watch the video and if you find it acceptable, please share it on your blog. This is a message that needs to be spread. And this is a mindset that needs to change.

I realize that just an 8 minute video cannot change the world. But if we all do our little bit - whatever we can - then surely it will. As filmmakers, this was, for us, the most natural course to follow. And we hope that it helps, in whatever little way. "

The film really struck me because I did experience "eve teasing" or the proper name for it, sexual harassment when I went to India. In the 2 months that I was there, I got to experience the beauty of the country I was born in and connect with my heritage through the wonderful festivals, street food and encountered how my extended family welcomed us with open arms even though we hadn't see them in a decade. I got to know the simple, open and friendly nature that Indian people have and what it means to be hospitable.

There is a phrase that I read of that said "You don't turn from a girl into a woman until you have been eve-teased. Then you will finally be a woman". I certainly experienced this downside too. Everywhere I went it seemed like only men were on the streets, walking around freely. This is why Indian feminists have been "loitering" too to take back public spaces from men. There was also a certain air of entitlement that oozed from these men, from the unabashed way they would smile and wink at me after I caught them staring at me to the way they spread their legs and extended their arms without concern for anyone else on transportation. They were confident because they knew the system was skewed towards them and they wouldn't get any punishment for what they did.

Only that kind of confidence could propel a man to wink at me WHEN I WAS WITH MY MOM or follow after me on a motorcycle when I was in a rickshaw. I know what that man thinks because his consciousness and thinking is spread all over India. He doesn't mind following me when he's interested, for him it's something casual and a part of everyday life.

I salute the women of India because I could not live a life being reminded of how much of a woman I was, both in body and mind, both outside the home and inside. From the exclamations of my uncle when he commented on how a girl was playing cricket with the boys to my mother telling me to look down and not confront the men who stared at me, this type of thinking followed me everywhere. I suspect this is why the majority of Indian women are so feminine and even "motherly", not because they were born that way but because it was molded into them by the treatment and messages they received of how women are born a certain way and that is the way the world works.

It takes a great deal of courage to be yourself when anything outside the realm of how you are supposed to be is considered masculine.

Random Feminist Thoughts from Places

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 00:48:00 +0000

"Not every woman was put on the planet to be a shining ray of sunshine in your life."
It's sad how often I've actually used that line in my office. Nobody demands that the constantly angry project engineer smiles. Everyone tells me I should smile more. Go fuck yourself, bro, I've had a rough week. Just like all the other engineers here - except I'm the only female.

I despise that so very much. My typical response: "I'll smile when you walk away." I'm sure that comes off as rude, but how much more rude is it to walk up to a complete stranger and order her to rearrange her face so that it is more to your liking? They just don't get it.

Odd how women are more worried about being perceived as rude than men are? Men defend their rudeness to a fault, while women will politely tell a guy touching her inappropriately to stop.

As a woman you are never allowed to just be sad/angry.

I ran a similar experiment. Set up a page as my friend with her permission just to see how men acted. I don't have male friends and I really don't know how men act toward women, and I thought I might learn some things to avoid, and possibly some things to do. She is an extremely good looking petite girl so I knew there would be unusual amounts of attention but the response was absolutely disgusting and simultaneously amazing.
I now hate men more than I did before. And I'm a man. Out of over 300 messages, less than 10% were actual introductions rather than a plain 'hi' or some rude sexual commentary. I responded to every single one of them. 90% of those turned into something sexual in less than 8 back/forth exchanges. In the end out of somewhere around 340 first contact msgs received, only one guy actually carried on a normal, reasonable conversation longer than a few paragraphs, and even he made one or two not entirely subtle hints in the process.
I now feel even worse for women than I did before, and I've basically given up on online dating because I know that even if I'm sincere and polite, I'll be lost in the flood of jizz-stained messages. Luckily, the day I was going to delete my POF account, I came across a ridiculously cute girl from down the road... she's exactly my type, really short with really short hair and tattoos, has 2 awesome kids, and is a decade younger than me. Honestly I don't know why in the world she's stuck around, but we're almost 3 months in and I feel lucky every time I think of her.
But back to the point - men hiding behind keyboards and screens are foul-mouthed deviant fuckwads and I am truly sorry you women have to deal with them.

I'm a girl, i made an r/r4r post and swore never again because my stats are similar. Lots of simple "hi"/"hi, how are you?" type messages and then...
Got some decent enough messages but they were, as you said, "lost in the flood of jizz-stained messages" and were largely from people from all across the globe I never had a chance of meeting but who replied "just to chat" because we had similar interests.
One guy carried a normal conversation, till we got on skype, cool you're a nudist but obvs then he wanted me to get into it too... Yeah right.
Many turned sexual or even started that way! I also got a lot of bratty messages: "why are you ignoring me"?
Lots of self deprecation/brattiness "maybe you'll not ignore me like every other girl" - nope, messages like that are why I will.
I said I'm not into gamers who's sole interests are gaming/fantasy related as I can't stand that stuff but gaming is cool as one of a few hobbies... Lots of "I'm not a gamer either but... I do have a [insert console]/I play with the guys occasionally/I use it to wind down from work now and again" and all of them eventually progressed into conversations about games and gaming and them being disappointed that my limitations are a couple of racing games and SSX for PS2 and a Game Boy Colour with Pokemon Yellow.
So disappointing at best, disturbing at worst with a lot of time-wasters in between.

So why not listen and attempt to empathize? It's the same thing as saying "I can't identify with being gay so I have no idea what homophobia feels like. It can't be that bad, can it?"
I have no idea what it's like to go hungry but I give to charity so starving kids can eat. I have no idea what it's like to experience my child die before birth due to a defect inside of me and travel 1200 miles across states to pay $1,000 that I don't have to a doctor I don't know for a painful termination procedure in the midst of my mourning, but I encourage Oklahoma women to vote against abortion restrictions (and you bet I vote in my home state!). I don't know what it's like to be black in America, so I read and talk to my black friends and participate in marches and I vote and I say something LOUDLY when I see racism. I don't know what it's like to be a man and have to figure out dating but I have talked to my husband many times about his experience to understand it so we can raise our son right. I don't know what it is to encounter a lot of stuff.
I do know what it's like to be a woman and to be fat. And I know that discrimination really sucks no matter who you are. I know that women can be misogynists and people of all races can be racists and people of all genders and backgrounds and religions and socioeconomic statuses can be horrible, horrible people.
The thing to remember is, we're all people. We are each and every one of us an individual person. And we're all stuck living on this planet for a while. Can't we all just respect that fact and recognize that? Can't we each just take the extra effort to realize how much each of us can hurt each other and figure out how not to be jerks to one another, like, actively make the world a better place for the other randoms we come across?
So you've never experienced oppressive sexism and you probably never will, but you can see it bothers us enough that there are entire websites and twitter feeds and activists devoted to this cause. Maybe it IS a big deal and maybe there IS a way you can learn more about that experience to find empathy and try to see it through a different lens?

For example, I had my steam name as Daenerys Targaryen at one point. This was an easy way to harass me, "You are the hottest girl in the show", "I'm imagining you naked right now", "Will you fuck me?". The worst part of it is that I picked that name because I feel like she is a strong female character. She lost a child and came back from that and I've done the same. It was all harassment no matter how you sliced it. Then no one would listen to me in game. I would suggest a strategy and it would be ignored in favor of offering me sex and then calling me a cunt because I call them out on the bullshit.

Ever notice how politicians frame women's issues as "this affects out wives and daughters," not just "this affects women/people"?

http://www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/women-arent-welcome-internet-72170

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/04/patriarchy-affects-men/

Please also read these links...

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 05:16:00 +0000

depicting Indian culture written by young people....

http://akkarbakkar.com/attended-best-friends-mothers-wedding-ashamed-made-discovery/

http://akkarbakkar.com/voyeuristic-relatives-wouldnt-stop-peeking-bedroom/

http://akkarbakkar.com/6-things-brides-better-think-about-before-youth-mrs-them-forever/

http://akkarbakkar.com/what-it-feels-like-to-be-a-daughter-in-law-in-a-society-where-you-dont-marry-a-man-you-marry-a-family/

http://akkarbakkar.com/two-families-yet-none-ask-indian-bride/

http://akkarbakkar.com/10-horrible-things-every-indian-married-woman-has-heard-from-her-mother-in-law-once-in-her-life/

http://akkarbakkar.com/this-is-the-horrible-way-i-get-treated-at-home-because-im-the-princess/

http://akkarbakkar.com/attended-best-friends-mothers-wedding-ashamed-made-discovery/

http://akkarbakkar.com/this-is-what-everyone-who-wants-to-have-an-arranged-marriage-in-india-should-know-about-the-great-indian-morals/

http://akkarbakkar.com/dear-mensxp-i-wish-love-triumphed-religion-but-youre-wrong-its-something-else-that-triumphs-all-on-this-land/

http://akkarbakkar.com/questions-able-answer-get-married-shouldnt-marry-cant-answer-simple-questions/

http://akkarbakkar.com/if-the-end-of-this-video-does-not-make-you-cry-nothing-ever-will-thank-you-indian-entertainment-industry/

https://vimeo.com/105074353

Entitlement from Indian Boys/Men in the News Recently

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 04:43:00 +0000

With Elliot Rodger's murder spree and this story in the news about a teen who threatened to kill the girls on his school's cheerleading team because they didn't give him nudes, I started thinking about how American culture and media tells boys that they deserve a girl's body and the girl herself as a "prize", never mind compatibility.

Then I started thinking about how that's rampant in India and arranged marriages are especially built for this. The ideals for the two sexes are so different; for males earning power comes first before looks and appearance and for females looks and household "skills" comes first, as well as how their demeanor should be (hint: mold able). Then it matters whether they are a doctor or not.

I read somewhere (can't find it now) of an old custom where the younger brother sleeps with the older brother's wife just to show him what carnality is like. Then his sister in law tells him, "If you study hard, you can have this too." This is implying that if he gets a good job then he will get a young pretty girl who will give him those pleasures each night, and those pleasures will give him the motivation to work hard.

On the other hand, no matter if a woman is a doctor or whatever, her earning power is seen as secondary to the husbands. This is anecdotal, but I have noticed that women who do become doctors are steered towards the more "gentler and flexible" positions such as general doctor or such.

What do you think?
Here is also another news article about how men are entitled to women's bodies, starting at a young age.

I Want to Learn.......how to be a Feminist Intellectual and Increase IQ

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 17:09:00 +0000

Any good feminist knows that education is important, because without education, you are just sprouting out theories without knowing them truly. The most important thing is to know how to hold a conversation, how to stay calm during an argument, and know if your opponent is lying or not and what types of lies they are. Also you have to know critical thinking, separating truth from fiction, thinking faster. articulating etc. Other related things are delayed gratification, etc. I will post an article on this in the second part.

Some activities you can do for your brain to become like this are:

Chess
Rubix Cube
Lumosity (also a free app)...increases memory, faster thinking, etc.

Read authors such as

Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Connor, Kant, Pope, Locke, Oscar Wilde, and feminist historical books such as The Feminist Mystique, The Second Sex, etc. Authors such as Gloria Steinem and Simone de Beauvoir.

Some of these can also be psychology/neuroscience books which will help you learn how YOU work and how others work. Examples of these are

The Marshmallow Test, etc.

Also you can see intellectual and thought provoking speeches on TED TALKS.

Learn about all the theories you can...this is a recommended website:
http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/a_alphabetic.htm

Here are some other things you can learn about:

game theory
synthesia
rhetoric/fallacies/strawman/gaslighting (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
capitalism,socialism,nihilism, marxism, freudian,
jungian
Lateral Thinking (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lateral_thinking)

Other good sites:
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Main_Page
http://lesswrong.com/

Links to read later

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 03 Aug 2015 13:15:00 +0000

I haven't posted in a while, been busy with stuff.
Here are some links to read meanwhile on Youth Ki Awaaz. YKA is a really good website for Indian issues, made by young Indian youth. It goes to show how much our society is changing, because we wouldn't have had this kind of exposure and fervor for social issues even 5 years ago. Please check out not just these links but other ones. They have personal stories too, which is great at showing an unfiltered India.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/07/exposing-mens-rights-activism/
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/07/forced-sterilization-of-women-in-india/
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/09/racism-in-india/

I will be back soon!

"Men Eat Before Women", or Customs that Protect Male Entitlement

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 21:12:00 +0000

Even in urban India, there are still families who follow the custom of men eating before women. The women hover over the men, serving them, after having cooked for them, and the men lavishly eat. It is considered shameful if a woman lets the man get his own food, as he shouldn't have to do that.
What is this sense of male entitlement? And if one were to happen across on it, would she stay silent because it is a custom and their way of doing things, or would she speak out, even as a guest?

Even Swami Vivekananda said in his speech that,

"Then again, eating and drinking is all in the same category. We do not eat before superiors. Our women never eat before men, except they be the children or inferiors. The wife would die rather than, as she says, "munch" before her husband. Sometimes, for instance, brothers and sisters may eat together; and if I and my sister are eating, and the husband comes to the door, my sister stops, and the poor husband flies out."

http://www.ramakrishnavivekananda.info/vivekananda/volume_8/lectures_and_discourses/women_of_india.htm

CLICK TO MAKE BIGGER
Here are some literary opinions on "male entitlement".

Endangered Daughters: Discrimination and Development in Asia (Page 127)

By Elizabeth Croll

CLICK TO MAKE BIGGER

The Culture of Morality: Social Development, Context, and Conflict

By Elliot Turiel

Bobby Jindal is running for President...here's what Indians have to say about it

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Fri, 26 Jun 2015 20:36:00 +0000

http://thefederalist.com/2015/06/24/why-bobby-jindal-is-very-problematic/

http://www.rawstory.com/2015/06/bobby-jindal-enters-presidential-race-with-support-of-just-one-likely-gop-voter-new-poll-finds/

http://www.indolink.com/Living/America/a91.php

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/from-piyush-to-bobby-how-does-jindal-feel-about-his-familys-past/2015/06/22/7d45a3da-18ec-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html

http://blogs.theadvocate.com/politicsblog/2014/11/25/bobby-jindal-shares-family-hunting-photos-on-social-media/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmNM0oj79t8

http://www.firstpost.com/world/bobby-jindals-us-presidential-bid-five-reasons-hes-never-going-win-2310188.html

Does it feel like no matter what we achieve, we will always be judged on our attractiveness and "Femaleness" by men?

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 03:29:00 +0000

These are a few examples below:

Here is an example of a subreddit where the members agreed that they clicked on it b/c of the girl, then stayed b/c of the cool thing. http://www.reddit.com/r/UNBGBBIIVCHIDCTIICBG/

Here a female rocket scientist was lauded for how well she could cook:http://www.salon.com/2013/04/01/ground_breaking_female_rocket_scientist_sure_could_cook/

And a goodie about girls doing math from xkcd:http://news.sciencemag.org/sites/default/files/styles/thumb_article_l/public/sn-stereotypes.jpg?itok=4PyeahZP

_________________________________________

It feels like before we are even given a chance to explain ourselves, we are automatically seen as FEMALE or WOMAN instead of human by men. This is the exact same reason female infanticide is so prevalent: they are seen as female first and foremost instead of human. It makes me so made because when we are born, we don't have a fucking clue what we are! We just "exist". I didn't know I was female when I was born, I was a baby.

It sucks that people dump all these connotations, previously held beliefs and their own biases on someone that is like a blank slate and hasn't even figured out who THEY are. And this continues as we grow up.

I don't think of myself as female. I just see "me" in the mirror. I feel sorry for men who don't...who don't think of women as having rich interior lives that rival their own and only think of them as stereotypes (nurturing mother, slut), accessories, or sex objects. (Example given here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Esa3R-YzTmo&t=0m24s) This dude clearly says, when seeing a woman, he sees her as a sex object first. And that is clear BS, don't give me crap about it being male hormones or testosterone. That goes into dangerous territory about men not being able to "control" themselves.

It reminds me of what my english teacher said about how men didn't know what went on in women's minds until the mid 1900's, they didn't even know if women could think or not. They thought it was "buzzing" like a bumblebee's hive. That's probably not true, but gives insight on how men thought of women.

The clitoris was not explored until recently, while the penis has been glorified for ages. Even in medical trials, most don't know how a trial will affect women because almost all involve male test subjects and how it affects men. Women are othered, feared and thought of as inferior in regards to femininity. And it's sad because I didn't have a choice in whether to be female or not. If I could pick, don't you think I would've chosen the "higher" masculinity? No one wants to be inferior.

Reminds me of this article where if there's a shortage of men, some women "become" men and are allowed to do masculine activities that women aren't, proving that women CAN do these things. It seems like women NEED to be thought of as delicate and fragile for the hierarchy to be maintained. Patriarchy would be obsolete if these "truths" were shown to be false.

Some of those "men" said they chose to live this way because they would have more freedom. Sucks when you have to identify as a man to be "whole", allowed to do things, and deserving of human rights.

And it's not just in backwards societies. This Tedx talk talks about masculinity and at a certain point, Tony Porter says that when he asked a football player how he would react if someone told him he was playing like a girl, the football player said, "It would DESTROY me". Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td1PbsV6B80&t=5m5s

Transcript Excerpt:

I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"

This is the problem with being a woman, why it's so much easier to be a man. We're shoved into this bubble of "what men think we are". The worst thing about being a woman is how men define women. __ Other good things to watch: Missrepresentation (the documentary)

You will "Grow into" Your Partner and Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Tue, 26 May 2015 02:51:00 +0000

One advantage of being in an Indian marriage (arranged) mindset is that there is no such thing as soulmates. I don't believe in soulmates, and I think that is just the one thing that the West's ideas of love and marriage have gotten wrong. I think that instead of soulmates, there are many people that you can be compatible with and live your life with, some more compatible than others.

However, one disadvantage of not believing in soulmates is that your parents think you can just settle with anyone, even if you don't love them. Isn't that what the whole idea of arranged marriage is about? That you find a girl or boy, ask them a few questions, and if your values/beliefs match, then there is no need to sweat the small stuff, such as likes and dislikes. There is some truth to this, but at the same time you have to be similar enough where you can understand each other.

One good analogy for this is niceness. Most people are nice, that is a fact, or maybe something I choose to believe in. Also, most people want a partner who is also nice. With that logic, people would be compatible with almost everyone they meet, however we know that's not the case. There has to be that something that makes you feel like you click on a different level than you click with most people you meet.

But it seems that Indian parents vehemently want to believe in this logic. When they find someone your age with the same mindsets as them, they think that at first you won't mix but "theere theere love ho jayega". They think if you live with someone for a long time, love will automatically form. That is why in their main criteria, they look for how much money a boy earns and if he is from a "respectable" family, or how educated, religious and homely a girl is, instead of looking at how they fit with their child.

That is why if there is a very eligible bachelor in town, and all the girls' families want him, girls are told that they would be lucky to have him, even if they have nothing in common and radically different ideas. It is almost like the guy/girl has to make the parents' checklist before making it into the child's checklist, even though it is the child that has to spend their life with that person.

If a marriage isn't working out, then elders tell the couple it will 'take some time' and to 'adjust'. And the girl is especially supposed to mold herself seamlessly into her husband's family. You are told you will "grow into" the marriage. But does that really happen?

That's why the comment below from this thread on Reddit really stuck me (especially the underlined part).

It depends. If the girl is from the same mindset as your parents(traditional, religious), you probably won't 'grow into it' because the two of you are so ideologically different.

Your parents probably don't understand the complete situation from your point of view. They probably think you just have a few different lifestyle choices and tastes, and it's a passing phase which you will grow out of, but both you and I know it's more than that.

If you are really lucky, your parents will find a girl with a similar mindset as yours. But otherwise, you will not settle down with a girl who is radically different from you.

Ray Rice Controversy and Black Double Standards and Sexism

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 10:35:00 +0000

Taken from: http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/09/10/black-mens-excuses-for-ray-rice-sound-a-lot-like-the-ones-darren-wilsons-supporters-used-in-ferguson/

I really liked this article, especially because of everything happening in Baltimore right now. I couldn't help but think of this picture:

Black women are always so vocal and passionate when it comes to racial matters but because of this sexist issues get sidelined and are not always supported by both black women and especially black men.

Black men. Fellas. Brothers.

Stop complaining about Ray Rice’s (much deserved and yet woefully insufficient) punishment. Right now.

When we are beaten, slain and otherwise persecuted, our sisters, our mothers, and our women stand for us with nearly unilateral, unwavering support. They march for us. They cry out our names and demand justice. They support us in our moments of quiet fear when we shed the bitter tears of self-doubt and fatigue.

Why aren’t we doing the same?

Stephen A. Smith wasn’t alone in blaming black women for the violence against them. Too many black men are making shameful attempts to explain away the punch that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice laid on his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer. The caught-on-tape abuse earned Rice an indefinite suspension from the NFL this week. That’s the least he should suffer for knocking a woman unconscious. It’s foolish to watch that video and see it any other way.

And yet, black men are complaining about Ray Rice’s punishment and diminishing his actions:

“It couldn’t have been that bad. She married him.”

It doesn’t matter.

“She should know he’s a big man and, if provoked, he’s gonna hit back.”

It doesn’t matter.

“She hit him first.”

It doesn’t matter.

“He’s trained to hit. He can’t stop it. It’s a reflex.”

That’s absurd and, even if it were true, it doesn’t matter.

When you say these kinds of things — when you look for ways to go easy on Ray Rice — you are doing two things: First, you’re telling black women, “Your lives and your sense of safety have less value to me than the recreational sports that I watch ritually.” You’re telling the women who stand for you, cry for you and demand justice for you, “Thanks for all that, but don’t mess with my game.” You damage their feeling of safety with you. You reinforce the perception that they are alone in their struggle. All of that leaves them even more vulnerable in a society that so often leaves them behind.

The second thing you do – and this is irony – is borrow from the script of people like Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson’s supporters. Let’s compare notes:

“He shouldn’t have been in the street.”

It doesn’t matter.

“He should have listened to the cop.”

It doesn’t matter.

“It was reflex. Cops are trained to shoot to kill. He couldn’t help it.”

Are you seeing the terrifying parallel? None of these excuses matter.

Brothers, recognize wrong and stand up for what’s right. Whatever happened between Ray and Janay Rice, and whatever they did to patch things up, is irrelevant. The bottom line is that no man has business hitting — let alone knocking out — any woman over a spat. He should regard the use of his body against her as lethal force and exercise restraint above all else.

Stop complaining about Ray Rice’s suspension. Stop minimizing his behavior. Stop giving in to blind idol worship.

And stop sipping your tea. This is your business.

When one of our sisters is hurt, abused or in peril, it’s our business. Because when some authority has us jammed against a car with guns drawn on us, they always make it their business to speak out. They throw themselves in peril to see us safe.

It’s a shame when we cannot do the same.

AIIMS Doctor commits suicide after long history with gay husband

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 18:00:00 +0000

Dr. Priya Vedi, on right shown with her gay husband

I can't help but think that from the outside, this looks like a perfect, ideal match that all parents aspire their children to have. Both are fair, beautiful people and both followed their mummi-puppas wishes to study hard and become the most idealized career in all of India, doctor. And when it was time to marry, both did the traditional arranged marriage and followed their parents in that. The bride was particularly beautiful, smart but took care of the household's needs and followed traditional rules like wearing a mangalsutra and rakhi. The husband was traditionally macho, with no hint of a smile and the typical domineering Indian husband. In the photo, he has one hand in his pocket and the other possessively over his wife.
I can imagine the marriage to be heavily celebrated from both sides, with parents patting themselves on the back for finding such a perfect match, especially for the girl since her parents are tailors. Both sides placed a lot of emotional, financial and physical investment in the marriage, each knowing it would earn them respect in the society. Their children were the cause of their happiness.

With all this pressure on them to succeed and look like a perfect match from the outside, no one could tell what was really happening on the inside. Indian society is truly about building an illusion of perfection.

They followed the path to happiness, both by their genetic good looks and academic studies, so it is important to wonder, what went wrong?

This could not have come at a better time...

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 22:21:00 +0000

As you know I am in the middle of my own arranged marriage dilemma....I have talked about it at length before and my parents are outright pressuring me to move forward with the matches they have selected....criteria being theirs of course that he should be vegetarian, Gujarati , Brahmin and a doctor with distinction and very obedient to tradition and religious. They've never acted like this before so it's really freaking me out and I can't even get through a conversation on an unrelated subject without this coming up. My parents, especially mom has retro ideas about how girls need to be taken care of financially and protected so they think they are fulfilling their duty by finding someone like that for me. Of course they want me working but my salary s only seen as a plus to his. They even said they would be not be comfortable with me dating a lot of people because it's "not in our culture" to be with more than one person and then dump them and pick another. They also want the guy to be another "Sahara" to them for moral support.
It seems like indian parental love is expressed really different than American because my dad doesn't say he loves me but he says it by proclaiming that HE will only get me married to a doctor, no one else, only the best for his daughter. It is slow and subtle manipulation disguised as love and emotional blackmail, saying stuff like "the good ones are snatched up early" and "you won't find anyone better than him" and "don't you trust us? Don't you want to make us happy?"

I have agreed to an interview since they spent about $700 pimping me out and putting out matrimonial ads describing me as beautiful, essentially exchanging beauty for money. When I told my mom that she said "we don't say stuff like that" and "you fulfill each other's needs...it's not a transaction if we both get what we're looking for in each other". They basically said there's no shame in being a gold digger and it's My money too after we're married. Also they said they will give me $5 each interview. I have no interest in continuing further and I told them that not to get their hopes up even though they seemed more excited than me. I will post an update later.

So True!

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Thu, 19 Feb 2015 13:44:00 +0000

http://feminisminindia.com/age-old-patriarchal-practices/

Occasional Link Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Rucha) — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 18:01:00 +0000

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/sunday-times/deep-focus/Pants-prejudice/articleshow/46161141.cms?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=TOI

https://freemindtree.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/being-the-modern-age-bahus/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/how-to-talk-when-a-prospective-groom-comes-to-see-you-101/
http://feminisminindia.com/iitiimshaadi-com/
http://feminisminindia.com/photos-msrit-students-challenge-gender-stereotypes/
http://archive.mid-day.com/columnists/2013/apr/280413-opinion-rahul-da-cunha-i-am-the-great-indian-male.htm

http://campuswriting.com/2013/07/02/a-big-fat-indian-wedding/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/how-did-we-turn-into-such-a-regressive-society/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/because-you-are-a-girl-you-are-not-entitled-to-love/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/because-you-are-a-girl-you-are-not-to-choose-what-you-wear/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/love-or-arraigned-marriage/

https://ultramatrimony.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/love-economy/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/because-you-are-a-girl-you-are-not-entitled-to-love/

https://moonymadness.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/marriage-the-indian-way/

https://gurtejthegps.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/marriage-the-biggest-trading-in-india/

https://ultramatrimony.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-culture-of-arrange-marriages-in-india/

http://tvaraj.com/2013/05/17/an-email-from-an-indian-father-i-want-to-place-on-record-my-own-story-as-a-warning-to-anyone/

https://ultramatrimony.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-culture-of-arrange-marriages-in-india/

https://ultramatrimony.wordpress.com/2014/06/17/arranged-marriages-in-modern-times/

https://ultramatrimony.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/to-find-the-best-for-the-rest-of-your-life/

http://campuswriting.com/2013/07/02/a-big-fat-indian-wedding/

https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/07/05/youre-going-to-be-with-your-in-laws-for-only-a-few-days-in-a-year-so-why-cant-you-live-the-way-they-want-and-keep-every-one-happy/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/a-cute-letter-from-a-newly-married-indian-girl-to-her-mother/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/the-day-i-stopped-smiling-at-strangers/

https://motherhoodnmore.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/arranged-marriage-vs-choice-marriage/

http://feminisminindia.com/be-like-a-lady/

http://feminisminindia.com/subtle-sexism-pets-feminism/

http://feminisminindia.com/a-letter-from-indian-men/

http://feministing.com/2015/02/09/chart-of-the-day-male-profs-are-geniuses-female-ones-are-bossy/

http://thedailyheadline.com/2015/02/theyve-married-56-years-first-time-theyve-answered-question/

https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/a-letter-from-the-great-indian-guys/