The Cock And Balls Blog

The Institute Of Good Taste Reader Feedback

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 12:40:00 +0000

Fresh from the successful grand launch of our slightly modified new design template, The Institute of Good Taste took to the streets to gauge reader views on the brand new look.

While it would seem most people are happy with the changes, some have expressed muted disapproval. Here is a cross section.

Mrs. Dolly Abernathy, Alabama, 87
Like most people in Alabama I get most of my news and recipes from that blog. Some days the lazy fucking author doesn’t bother to update it so I never know what the fuck is going on. I liked the old design, so I don’t know why it was changed. They authors are all obviously pissants as far as I am concerned.

Mr. Junji Sakaguchi, Tokyo, 86
The Institute of what? Never fucking heard of it, and I don’t care to either. Cant you leave an old man alone while he is trying to take a piss in the street? Just get the hell on you inbred bunch of cunts.

Mrs. Momoko Fujigawa, Saitama, 79

The new design is a load of shite if you ask me. I cant see that its changed much. Apparently you can link posts directly to Mixi, Twitter, and Facebook now. Problem is I’m 79 and don’t use any of that shit! The guy who writes all that garbage on there sounds like a piece of shit.

Mrs. Anastasia Hasegawa, Roppongi, 26

My husband Ryuji and I actually met online through tIoGT comments page. We struck it off well and it wasn’t long before he was one of my most lucrative regulars at the club. He really knew how to make a working girl feel special. Purses from Tokyu Hands, mock gold bracelets, anything! Nothing was too much trouble for him! Eventually he purchased me outright, but occasionally I still do a bit of private work to send money home to Stalingrad. We owe everything to the Institute.

Mr. Daisuke Yonemura, Tokyo, 96

I saw it once when the city made me take a computer course in exchange for a rise to my fucking pension. I needed the money to pay my tab at Moolahs, the titty bar opposite Yoshinoya. I love tits you know. Now my wife left me, I cant get enough of them. She had nothing. The looked and felt like a pair of old tennis balls.

Mr. Yuji Matsubara, Urayasu, 92

I wish there was more information on where to get a good hand job around here. Granted, there is some good info on there from time to time, but not as much as I need.

Mrs. Junko Yonemura, 92

I think my ex husband reads that. If he is any indication, the readers are obviously a bunch of low-life peasants. He kept wanting to fondle my tits after looking at the internet, so I left the filthy old bugger. Last I heard he was taking a computer course. At his age I don’t know why though.

Million $ Makeover

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 12:38:00 +0000

This week The Institute of Good Taste welcomes a brand new design template.

Regular guests will appreciate the range of new features including:

- An adorable decorative grey border line.
- An email function.
- Function for sharing my insight directly to social media sights like Facebook, Mixi, Twitter, and Buzz.
- A streamlined Carp Pond with 2 new fish to replace the ones that died in July.
- Lots more tit gags.

That’s about it really.

The design overhaul has been a long time coming, and is in response to the many requests for a more reader inclusive layout.

Normally I don’t give two hoots about my readers concerns and opinions of my readers, so please consider yourselves especially lucky.

I hope you like the new look. And if not, as usual, go and stick a soft vegetable up your bum.

Elderly Moments in Japanese Politics

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:24:00 +0000

Change is afoot in Japanese politics. On September 14th the Democratic Party of Japan will elect either Naoto Kano or Ichiro Ozawa as its new President, and thus the nations Prime Minister.

Given the ordinary people of Japan wont have much of a say in this process, tIoGT took to the streets to find out how the average Joe feels about the prospect of a 7th Prime Minister in 3 years.

When we realized how hot it is outside, we instead decided to pay a visit to the Tokyo Metropolitan Elder Assisted Living Facilty No. 64 in Sumida-ward to gain an insight into people’s thoughts on the possible circumventing of due democratic process.

Mr. Masatoshi Kawamoto
“Frankly, I couldn’t give a rat’s fucking shit who’s the Prime Minister. I’ve outlived 114 cabinets so far. I’ve still got most of my own teeth, and one of my own balls so damn the fuckin lot of them.”

Mrs. Keiko Nakamura
“I love the elections and the politics and all the fucking rest of it. I can remember meeting President Taft during his visit to Japan when I was a little girl. His had this enormous gock.”

Ms. Yuka Hasagawa
“Oh, Id likes to see a change. Give the new guy a chance. This current young fellow has been in for over 2 months now, so he should pack it in eh. Lets give someone else a crack at it and then fuck them off as well in 3 months! I think I just shit myself but am not 100% sure.”

Mr. Hiroyuki Fukuda
“Oh, I reckon none of them have any balls anymore. And speaking of balls you fucking wanker, move your chair! I think you might be on my ball sack. It goes all long in the hot weather.”

Mr. Takeshi Ogawa
“You know what? I’m as healthy as a bull. I’ve still got all my own teeth, and every day I manage to piss AND dump before 7:00am. Pity is I usually don’t wake up until well after 10am.”

Mr. Kenji Sakai

“Don’t ask me about the fucking election. I think the nurses are stealing off me. Especially the Phillipino one. She hates me because I shat on the floor once.”

Gay Adoption Debate

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 10:55:00 +0000

The debate on gay marriage just won’t go away will it. Heating up from time to time. Refusing to dissipate much in the manner of a festering, infected sore. Resurfacing every now and again sparked by events such as a trivial court case, or say the election of a minority coalition government forced to rely on a party with a pro-gay rights platform.

Given this blogs recent focus on macro economics, let’s look first at the financial side of the debate. As you will come to see, it’s somewhat of a mixed bag really.

For instance, I can say with some degree of confidence that nations and regions with established industrial output of goods and services relating to feather bowers, lubricant, sparkling sequence gowns, and those adorable calendars with muscle bound firemen, etc. tend to do extremely well should they be blessed with large numbers of openly gay consumers.

On the flip side though, big importer countries of khaki pant suits, sensibly designed shoes, and cats, suffer immensely should their population be burdened by heavy concentrations of lesbians. This is especially true for middle aged lesbians who are on average two thirds more likely to be very or somewhat thrifty in terms of their expenditure on fashion.

These facts being what they are, I would even say that while most fair minded people like me aren’t overtly bigoted towards homosexuals, and other groups with abnormal and exotic sexual tastes, there are some things about those folks that just don’t sit easily with people.

Here is a list that I made with the guys down at the pub.

- Those massive, unsightly adams apples, cheek bones, shoulders, and hands that drag queens have.
- The massive front-bums that middle aged lesbians have when they wear pants.
- Their propensity to have anonymous sex in public toilets.
- The vast aesthetical variance between movie lesbians and real lesbians.
- All that dreadful, butch leather that motorbike riders wear.
- Their need to slosh around in each others poo filled bowls in order to demonstrate their love.
- Fear of getting violently prison raped by a massive black man named Jamal.

Surely people’s attitudes would change remarkably if something could be done about only half of the things on this list?

To be honest with you for a change though, a lot of the angst of normal people towards reforming gay rights usually stems from the fact that once any given right has been secured-and hence becomes an acceptable social given-the debate/movement inevitably　shifts towards securing something else.

Every victory always seems to be but a beachhead for achieving the next item on the wish list.

This is probably where most reasonable citizens objection to gay marriage comes in. You don’t have to be Albert Einstein to work out what comes next once gay marriage has become openly acceptable, and large numbers of homosexual couples are successfuly living happily together. Adoption.

You are probably thinking society would never allow that to happen. No, accepted norms change, and there will inevitably be a debate on this topic.

It will begin with people on the fringes of left leaning society, but slowly gather small pockets of acceptance. Eventually homosexual adoption will gain a legal beach head in forward thinking societies. Though-much like gay marriage-it will struggle to gain traction and be legistalted/repealed/relegistlated/re-repealed etc. etc. in an endless cycle, it will eventually become acceptable for two men or two women to adopt a baby.

It may take upwards of a half century, but eventually in lack of a clear consensus public opinion will develop will develop into two camps.

On one hand people who think it isn’t such a bad idea given that there are plenty of underperforming heterosexual (normal) parents. And on the other, people who think it is unwise to leave practicing homosexuals unsupervised in the presence of children or animals.

Personally I concur with both arguments. Especially given that plenty of heterosexual people, even some as normal as actor Richard Gere, have a well published record of animal sexual abuse.

Given that adoption may be considered the “finish line” of pro-gay activism, where will their attention turn once it is secured?

In all likelihood they will form a coalition with Richard Gere with the express aim of securing their rights to lay with animals.

Richard isn’t making isn’t working any more, so this is also inevitable.

Initially the gerbils will seem as though they are getting the rough end of the stick on this deal, but frankly I don’t see it like that. Presumably, many gay man have a much more spacious anus cavity than Richard Gere, so many gerbils will actually stand to benefit big time. (Except the ones that still get inserted into Richard Gere’s bum. Their workplace will largely remain unchanged.)

Eventually though, one can only assume the gerbils will seek to organize into labor unions and demand better remuneration, better working conditions, and better anal cavities.

I am not in a position to speculate on this any further, but it is surely inevitable.

Bob Katter Senior

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:37:00 +0000

I was reading this article in The Australian today about former North Queensland politician Bob Katter Senior by Barry Cohen.

It recounted an amusing anecdote regarding the colorful political identity.

Travelling at high speed along an outback highway, he observed a woman coming from the opposite direction, slow down, wind down her window and scream, "Pig!" Bob was a tolerant man, familiar with the language of the outback, but this was too much. He wound down his window and returned the compliment. "Bitch," he bellowed along with a string of expletives that would have made a bullock driver blush. Then he rounded the corner and crashed into a wild boar.

My Favorite Boners

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 08:14:00 +0000

They can hit you whilst you are driving the car, or they can come when you are standing at a bar.

It can appear when you are riding a cow, or pushing a plough. As a matter of fact Ive got one now.

Boners.

That’s right, boners. And not just any old run of the mill standard boner. I am talking about awkward, prominent, regrettable boners.

For one reason, I just cant get enough of these little fellas.

It’s not easy to hide them is it. Sometimes if I am at work and get one, I usually just grab a stack of files, or my schedule diary and hold it out in front of the offending boner.

I am sure a lot of other guys must do this as well. It also has the positive spin off of making you look busy as well. Hell, odds are most guys walking around with files and folders are probably hiding a boner or two.

I bet this guy wishes he had a folder or schedule diary.

Some on the other hand, couldn’t give a bugger who sees them. Others, ( and I count myself amongst this number prefer to hide their boners where none would suspect it. Right under peoples noses.

Look at this cheeky devil. He probably waited until this ugly family gathered around for another boring happy snap during their vacation. It was probably shaping up to be quite a nice photo too, until this walrus thing wrestled them up half a mongrel.

I would have paid good money to see the looks on their faces when their photos came back from being developed.

Heres another good example of what I am talking about. Check out the cheeky grin on his face.

My other favorite boner variation is the sudden event of the half wood, with which perpetrator thinks doesn’t need hiding, or just completely gives up hiding.

Here are some of my favorites examples illustrating how the medium has developed over time.

Old Boney at his best

Definitely a senator who leans to the right.

Business as usual for this Princess no doubt.

The third, and final boner I would like to introduce for your consumption, is undoubtedly my favorite: The completely inappropriate boner.

They normally occur anywhere around small children, on crowded public transport, at a funeral, a family reunion, or during/ after an inappropriate subject is discussed.

Here are some for you to enjoy.

A Big Fat Redhead Goes to the Beach

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:08:00 +0000

I was looking through this article in the Daily Mirror archives regarding British Princess Beatrice going to the beach in the Caribbean.

Predictably, the 19 year old princes looked like a rite slapper, and reliably, the tabloid pulled her up on it.

given this is basically just a 19 year old girl at the beach with her boyfriend, normally this wouldn't interest me. The paper ran a fairy harsh, if entertaining description of the outing, which initially I though was a touch out of order.

But after a glance at the accompanying photographs, I was a bit shocked. (Not as shocked as I was in Europe last year when a German women at a gas station lifted her arm to reveal a hairy arm pit, but still pretty shocked none the less.

For starters look at this thing. It resembles a beast of the deep.

Warts and all. Bea comes up for air.

The article also unnecessarily mentioned her Mum's toe sucking incident in the 1990's, so extra points for that. Its always good to hear about that again.

Somebody tell them not to mate.

Better than the article though was the cattiness and nastiness of people in the comments section. Some people can be so dreadful cant they? Sitting there with a few drinks I couldn't help but giggle my way through the entire offering.

And on that note, here are my favorite 10 comments directly from the article.
1.
If she needs bodyguards at our expense the least they could do is look after her body. How can one so young have such an out of shape body?
- Andrea, Hemel Hempstead, UK

She could probably tuck em both in her bikini bottoms and do away with the bra peice.

2.
She'll at least be worth having around at Christmas if members of the public lose their nutcrackers.

- Tracey, Paisley, UK

3.
Crikey, look at those thighs!
- Lynzie, Plymouth Devon UK

Go'on mate, get stuck in. And make sure you touch the back of the tits as well.

4.
Oh my god she is enormous - too much food and not enough exercise. Way way to large.

- Sarah, Gerrards Cross, UK

5.
She is a hefty lass!
- Susan, Murphysharpe, UK

You know its summer when the gals start showing their belly buttons.

6.
Child bearing hips I think...
- Mike May, Egham, UK

7.
Why would anyone allow her to go out in that bikini, knowing she would be photographed, her figure clearly doesn't "support" the garment and her mother should be spending time teaching diet and exercise to her own children before she goes on TV teaching others. Bea, hit the gym!

- Mair Brady, Hedge End, UK

The great beast circled, toying with its prey.

8.

What you would call "a bonnie lass"?
- Glyn, Southampton, UK

9.
Oh dear! This is the first pic I've seen of her in a bikini, and hopefully the last. She's hardly a fairytale princess is she?
- John, Sevenoaks, UK

Two straps. Better be safe than sorry. And we appreciate it!

10.
No matter how shocking her outfits, she wears them proudly, no matter that she should wear bras, she doesn't proudly, and no matter how much she probably shouldn't
- Oliver, Reading, UK

Tokyo Art Scene: Free Wine & Cheese etc.

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 13:17:00 +0000

Regular readers will be in no doubt as to my credentials relative to Tokyo's modern art scene. I believe in art, and when people in Tokyo want a uninformed opinion on an upcoming gallery opening, I am many a Tokyo insider's first point of call.

If I have been to one gallery opening I have been to a thousand. And for good reasons. Most gallery openings nearly always have all 4 of my most favorites things.

Polished wooden floor boards.

Recently painted white walls.

Cheese.

White wine.

For the longest time I never used to find any pleasure in art, but the strangest thing happened about 5 years ago. After many years of being a hard core sports fan, my vocational circumstances suddenly meant I was never home to watch TV when sport was being broadcast. Within a short space of time, I completely lost touch with my teams, and before too much longer I lost all interest in sport.

Now I just find it all so completely pathetic and irrelevant.

Getting back to art. I am convinced that most thinking people go through a phase in their lives during which they are unable to appreciate or derive simple pleasure from intrinsically beautiful objects and concepts. Some are lucky to have this bred out of them by enlightened and sophisticated people around them.

Sadly though, for the most part, most people never seem to achieve any understanding or means of appreciating for art. Such people find minimal appeal in pursuits such as the theatre, ballet, and fashion, but always seem to be able to find ample time for low brow, down market pursuits such as sports, automobile racing, and television.

I'm glad I am not like that any more.

Anyway, in order to write a sophisticated post about art for the bums and degenerates my blog seems to attract, I realised that I needed to do a bit of hunting around on the topic before hand. In doing so I fully expected to find my favorite painting of all time; 'A Friend in Need'. Better known as the 'The dogs playing poker',

And I did. But I also stumbled onto something just as good. People who recreate art of Lego. Take this MC Escher piece. It must have taken some idiot days.

This next one below is not as elaborate, but its still a good idea. Points taken away for the non Lego hair.

There are literally hundreds of these. Its great stuff isn't it. In fact, most of the worlds most famous works have now been recreated in Lego.

Soaking up all of this Lego sculptures got my interest in art flowing. Before too long I found myself rubbing shoulders with other well educated, wealthy people at the National Art Center, Tokyo in Roppongi.

If my google analytic stats are anything to go by, you and my readers probably haven't been to this, or any other art galleries lately. You may however have seen pictures of it and its spectacular facade designed by Kisho Kurokawa.

I didn't have time to go inside and have a look at the exhibits but I did have a spare 20 minutes to walk around the exterior and the lobby.

The lobby is absolutely breathtaking. Like an open air canyon.

The massive concrete pylons that punctuate the lobby expanse are topped by upscale cafes and restaurants full of well dressed, good looking people. Such a breath of fresh air after walking through Roppongi before hand.

Forget the art and have lunch. I was kind of sorry I had my normal Subway footlong.

That's the finish of this post then. Piss off.

Steaming Hot Tokyo Flesh

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:30:00 +0000

Things are definitely hotting up here in Tokyo, with the last few weeks particularly brutal. Japanese temperatures are nudging the mid 30’s in the mid afternoon, and the mid 40’s in my bum crack (around 100 farenhiet for the American’s without an adequate grasp of the metric system.)

(While I am on the topic, isn’t it amusing that however much American cultural imperialism embeds itself into every nook and cranny of our planet, the piss-weak, inferior, illogical system of measurement they stubbornly cling to remains universally shunned.)

Note to America: Miles, ounces, fahrenheit, pounds, quarts, inches and all the rest of it- you can stick it right up your bum.

While you are at it, also stick all the words you have invented to measure the various stages of education like freshman, elementary school, sophomore, and homecoming etc. Nobody understands them, or gives a damn, so don’t bother trying to explain them, Just stick em in ya bum.

At least somebody knows where to find information on the non metric system.

Lets get back on topic- summer heat. Just from walking around town speaking to, and eavesdropping on other Tokyoites this last week, it has become abundantly clear that many people have some pretty strange ways to keep cool.

Take Mrs. Jennifer Yamaguchi for example of Katsushika-ward, Tokyo. Her methods may be unorthodox, but at least she gets the result.

Probably be even more effective if she took the bottle cap of though.

For every one moron like Jennifer though, there are a thousand like Hiroshi here, of Bunkyo-ward. Hiroshi was one of dozens succumbing to the rising mercury during the post Tsuyu heat.

It wasn’t all bad for Hiroshi though as although he didn’t make it home, he did manage set a new posthumous Guinness record for the longest ass crack, eclipsing a very competitive field.

Another person I recently stumbled across was Anastasia of Yokosuka, a delightful eastern European Tokyoite also completely fed up with the July heat.

Anastasia tells me she normally makes a tidy living servicing off base US serviceman from the nearby navy base, but the summer heat has really been effecting business. “Once the mercury gets over 30, you can’t blame the guys for not wanting to come venturing off base for a handjob. It’s a lot of effort, and many are just preferring to just stay in an play Xbox or something” said Pamela.

By the way, its best to sit on Anastasia’s right side if you are down in Yokosuka for a handjob.

Anyway, so the summer heat is taking its toll on people, even journalists. Take yesterday for example, there I was sitting in my tatami room eating my muesli, as is my custom on Sunday mornings, when I opened up the paper and was confronted by this….

Yes I know. It’s absolutely appalling. Newspapers aren’t cheap anymore, and when I go to the trouble of having somebody deliver one, the least I expect is adequate, and professional typeface editing. As best I can estimate there are 9 (nine) font spaces open between this chap KIWEWEESI’s name, and his working title-PASTOR.

If I did that with a PowerPoint presentation at work, my boss would quite rightfully pull me up for it. It just comes down to either a) simple text alignment, b) taking half the longer word onto the next line, or c) popping an extra adjective or photograph in front of PASTOR.

Anyway, this put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and it was all I could do to somehow manage to enjoy my surf. It was my pre laundry day so I was in my briefs again.

Hideki Matsui Mystery

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:44:00 +0000

I was walking about in the park in front of the train station minding my own business as is my custom, the other afternoon. It was very hot and I was at the end of my tether. Here I am.

Although I did have my new red purse, and snoopy socks on so I was turning heads.

Tokyo is getting hot recently. I am not talking 2008 hot, because that was despicably hot, but it is only early days.

I have been thinking about the heat a lot lately.

When I was young and didn’t have any other choice but to put up with heat it really didn’t worry me. Now that I am successful and very particular in relation to my dislikes, I simply can’t find it in myself to give a rat’s ass for the heat anymore. The heat also makes my balls become this shape.

With the winter, you can just pop an extra layer on to get away from the cold. But not with the heat you can’t. There is no escape. It is always there. Every morning, ten minutes after stepping out the front door, the bum crack is on fire, the tattoos are melting, hair gel is disheveled, my back bathed in sweat on the train (half the time its not even my own sweat). By the time I finally get home, I look like something that crawled out of the sea.

Can you imagine living in one of those shitty countries like Indonesia, India, or Mexico closer to the equator with oppressive year round heat? No wonder nothing ever seems to get done in those dreadful type of places. Probably also explains why every time these places feature on a news broadcast news, every beggar in the footage looks alcoholic and in dire need of need of a bath or hose down.

So anyway, I was at a station, when I saw this poster with that pretty boy Hideki Matsui’s ugly mug plastered on it.

Look at the slogan, on the upper left hand side. I have yellowed out the last line, because I want you to guess what it is.

Go, on. Don't look yet, play my little game. What could it be.

I love baby, I love children…..

...I love teeth.

Besides the fact that the baby probably doesn’t have any teeth, Hideki’s are obviously false, and the poster is entirely in English, I have heard the poster campaign was a big success in Japan.

Note to Hideki: after a decade living in America it might be time to shell out for those English lessons you have always promised yourself. Best to wait until your baby’s broken ear recovers though.

Truth be told though, it did help to take my mind off the fact that my balls and bum crack were on fire.

Still Endangered After All These Years

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:21:00 +0000

As most people know, turtles suck pretty badly even at the best of times.

Even those massive ones they have at zoos and wildlife parks from the Galapogas Islands are only good for a few minutes entertainment. They are probably endangered too.

Taking his time as usual.

You often hear statistics about how many different species are disappearing each day, hour, and trimester etc. etc. Frankly though I wonder if any of these statistics really hold any water? I mean how do they finalize the numbers? It must all be half guesswork and other half bullshit because heaven knows it must be hard to do a gallop poll on all the animals.

Apart from being made up on the run, these dodgy statistics also never take into account the new species coming into existence. I hear the new species numbers are very high- as much as 34%.

Alas, like the stupid, boring old Galapogas turtles at your local petting zoo, most endangered species are still around. For some reason whenever I here anything about endangered species, it always seems to be the same old suspects like the giant panda or blue whale etc. that are still on the precipice. You know them. Its always the same ones.

This is especially true of those fucking pandas! Ever since I was a boy they have been on the verge of extinction. Message to pandas- Piss or get off the pot! But for some reason they still have credibility as an endangered species. For peats sake, they have even weaseled their way onto the WWF logo.

Why cant they leave gracefully like the dodo, the Tasmanian tiger, or all the dinosaurs- 3 species that have, from a PR/career perspective gone on to benefit enormously from their respective sudden, and tragic ends.

Digging a little deeper on this, we can also thank these 3 species for teaching us the only way to top the golden Sudden/ Tragic combo is with the third magic ingredient- Preventability. Take beloved characters like Elvis, Michael Jackson, JFK, Che Guevera, Heath Ledger, or Curt Cobain for example. Like the Dodo etc., all went out suddenly, tragically, and very preventably, at the top of the game- just the way we humans both adore and love it.

Getting back to those fat Panda bears, like everything else from China, I also think its pretty safe to say we have given them a pretty fair shake of our time, attention, and charity dollar. Why henceforth, shouldn’t they be assessed on performance and results like the rest of us punters?

Bullseye! Just what we needed, another Chinese.

If they haven’t got the goods to survive in the modern world, put em to work in the circus like all the other animals and lets see if we can get some of our money back.

Happy Bento Days

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 12:59:00 +0000

I dropped my Meiji Jingu the other day. For those of you that don't know what or where that is, please close this page and kindly never visit my site again.

It really is a nice place to take a stroll about. I used to have a job that involved strolling about taking pictures for a news letter once a month. It only used to take about 2 hours to take all my pictures, but you would be amazed at how long things can be stretched out if the weather is nice outside.

I am sure nobody ever bothered reading my newsletter, but every month I dutifully created it. It was a pointless exercise, but it did allow me the opportunity to leave the office once a month and walk about some of the coolest areas of Tokyo. I did learn a lot about the best parts of the city, even if nobody did bother to read my news letter.

Every no and again, I would stop by Meiji Jingu to eat my bento. It was always very tranquil. I always used to sit down on one of these stools to eat my bento.

Which brings me to my question. Can you guess which one just by looking at the photo? I can bet frequent readers will have no problem.

That's right, it was this one.

Once I had finished, I always used to do a lap of the grounds, never neglecting to stop by the pond to look at the nice ducks. They were always there waiting for me, and always nice to look at. Much better than being at work.

There is also a massive grass lawn near the pond, that is one of the best kept secrets in Tokyo.

To find it, just look for the flagpole. It looks like this.

India: A Barbaric, Unpalletable Society

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 13:18:00 +0000

So there I was, walking around in New Delhi, or Bombay. I'm not exactly sure which one I went to, and frankly I don't care to know. Ill tell you something for nothing though, whichever one it was has got serious municipal hygiene problems. Chances are they both do though.

While I was only there for 10 days or so I did have an opportunity to observe Indian religious practices in great detail.

Before I go any further I should prefix these remarks by saying that I have very limited respect for the Hindu belief system. I just found it very questionable. Even more than the other mainstream religions. It just seems like a weird cult that somehow became really popular and is now out of control.

From what I was able to gleam from my chauffeur and guide, Indians look to three areas for their spiritual needs, Firstly yoga, then a blue lady with many arms, and a elephant person. Here are pictures of the last two.

As I said, very questionable.

There is also a 4th sphere relating to cows. My guide explained it, but I switched off halfway through. giving him my trademark blank look of disinterest counter balanced for the sake of appearances with lots of head nodding.

Indians don't eat beef. As a result of this, there are many cows roaming around their cities. Most are mangy, disease ridden, so not edible anyway. This is another reason why so many Indian cities smell really poorly.

Here is a picture I took at the train station. There was a cow on the platform. I don't know if it got on the train, but it probably could if it wanted to. Note the monkeys as well. Like the cows and citizens, they also poo everywhere.

40degree heat.

Unwashed, unkempt, purulent Indian flesh.

Cows shitting wherever they please.

Just to illustrate this point again here is a picture taken of me (behind black) with a cow. Just out of coincidence, look at how many other cows are in the background.

Such an unpalatable society. God only knows how they managed to learn cricket and English. At least we can take solice in the fact that they do both poorly.

Japanese Jewish Scene in Tokyo

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 11:18:00 +0000

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Zionic Studies, Visiting Prof. Abraham Cohen.

I was recently in Tokyo of all places on Shabbat, and wanted to go to a synagogue for services. At first I strongly doubted that there would be a synagogue anywhere in Tokyo, but much to my surprise, the hotel concierge directed me to a synagogue not too far from the hotel.

I entered the synagogue and was surprised to see that everyone there was classically Japanese in appearance: the rabbi, the cantor and all of the congregants had typically Asian features. Their pronunciations of the Hebrew service were a bit off (Balukh atah... merekh ha-oram), but other than that, the service they performed was just like the one at my own synagogue back home.

After the service, I went up to the rabbi to tell him how much I enjoyed the service.

The Japanese rabbi said to me, "Thank you! Are you Jewish?" And I confirmed that I was. The rabbi said...

"Funny, you don't look Jewish."

Why Is India So Backwards?

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:22:00 +0000

I recently had the grave misfortune to travel to India. Anyone who has been to India will know already that I didn't enjoy myself at all.

While I intend to make this trip a running theme on these pages over the course of ensuing months, let me begin by saying that I have never been a particular fan of India, Pakistan, or any of those other countries. I am sure you know the ones I am talking about.

Having spent a decade living in, and adapting to a society that places extreme importance on:

Personal hygiene and cleanliness;
An abhorrence of being outdoors whilst bare feet;
A never ending, relentless pursuit of improved toilet hygiene;

I was nonetheless disappointed to be in India.

I should have known something was up when I arrived at the departure gate where the Air India jet was waiting for me.

At first, nothing looked out of place on the surface of things, but look a bit closer.

The big problem I initially had with this machine was that odds are it had probably spent a fair amount of its lifespan being maintained, serviced, and operated by, well I'll just say it, Indians. I am sure any reasonable person would agree, Indians are not known for their attention to detail or tecichal capacity are they? Granted, for some reason, they seem to be very good with computers, and running call centers, but not much else.

For whatever reason, it seemed to have a lot of paint chipped off its nose. I know its only superficial, but I always like looking at all the different paint designs employed by world carriers when I go to the airport. It relaxes me.

India, if you cant even get the paint job right, what else is going to be wrong with the plane?

Maybe the pilots just hit a lot of birds (definitely not good), or maybe the tarmac approach man with the ping pong paddles in New Delhi is rubbish at estimation and often has the planes nudging into the arrival terminal on approach. Who knows? In any case would it kill them to touch up the paint job.

Its not as if they are working during the stopovers. The pilots were in the cockpit sleeping, having put newspaper, yes, newspaper up against the windows to give themselves a bit of privacy. Get a load of it. All class.

Once up in the air, I got a bit of a shock at the stewardess's outfit. It was a Indian sari gown thingy that exposed their mid rift. My stewardess woman was old and fat so it was all very offputting. To top it off she also refused me alcohol service on the grounds that I already had a drink. Fair enough, I did, but it wouldn't have killed her to waddle off to the galley and bring me another one.

Touch down in Delhi. The first thing that hits you is the smell. Fair enough, you get used to it after to 3 or 4 days, but at first it is very ordinary. You know how you smell when you are say, camping and you have to go 2 days or more without a shower? Thats how the entire country smells.

Before I offend anyone, please allow me to reiterate that was not intended as an insult. It is an undeniable, irrefutable, objective statement of fact.

The entire country smells like a bum hole.

Rainy Season Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 06:30:00 +0000

Well, well, well. Summer is here at last. Cant say I am the least bit happy about the arrangement, but like most salary men, I am pressing on regardless. I am sure the Japanese will find a way someday to avoid inconveniences such as summer. Once they put their minds to it, I am sure it can be achieved quickly. Look at what they have done with their transportation system, and mastery of high technology.

Isn't it amazing how everything springs to life at this time of year. In fact, at times it seems as though there is something popping out of every nook and cranny. Everything seems to be new again. This is probably one of the reasons I love it so much. The rain is a bit of a problem though, especially when one forgets one's umbrella, or there isn't one that can be readily stolen. I often think it would be great if Japanese companies like Hitachi, or Sharp could use their technology to make it so it only rains at night. Wouldn't that be great! In any case it would be much better than the current arrangement we have.

Plants in Japan during the rainy season sure are amazing too. Some grow at an enormous pace, taking over entire garden beds in what seems like only a few days.

As is the case with most Japanese people, I am a tremendously keen gardener. I have a few bonsai and even a couple of planter pots on my balcony. It helps me to maintain a bond with nature and nice atmosphere at my house.

I am not the only one keen on getting my hands dirty in the garden. Check out these photographs I took recently whilst walking about in Shinjuku.

A lovely mix of decorative and naturally occurring foliage if ever there was one.

Sometimes there are trees in these gardens. Often though, their leaves fall everywhere ad cause a right mess. If you are going to trim them back a bit like this one, its best to get in as early as possible. If you are genuinely serious about trimming them back and getting any wayward branches that could cause problems in early summer, then its best to start as early as possible.

Another problem many municipal councils have in Japan is city tree roots spreading every which way and upending roads and other paved public spaces like this one in Yokohama.

Just goes to show what can be done a little bit of effort. Look at that paving. It doesn't keep itself level you know.

The final word has to go to this effort, once again from Shinjuku-ward.

Quite a fair bit of potential on display here. Much like me, its best days are either clearly in front of it, or well and truly behind it. Very hard to tell at this stage.

Tokyo Urban Decay

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sun, 09 May 2010 07:42:00 +0000

There is a Danchi housing estate complex in Tokyo that walk through every night to shave 5 minutes off my commute. If you don't know what a Danchi is, then good for you. Just picture the British council estates in The Bill or 'The Projects' in the US, minus of course the crime, drugs, and violence.

Even in the darkness I have always been utterly captivated by its sheer ugliness.

Ive always wanted to have a good look at it in the daylight so this morning I got up really early and spent 30 minutes walking through it. Given the early hour, it was absolutely deserted and deathly quite.

I am not sure if too many people actually live there anyway. Certainly no one who that wants to anyway.

The waist high grass and weeds, the diabolical looking Soviet cookie cutter design, to be completely honest the whole lonely scene reminded me that abandoned city of Prypiat that was abandoned in the Ukraine after the '86 nuclear meltdown in Chernobyl.

Even though there are some signs of habitation like lights at night, the whole place gives off a stench of decay, despair, and neglect.

The grass is overgrown to a meter or so in most parts, adding to a feeling of abandonment. Like something out of eastern Europe before the iron curtain fell.

What people there are seem to be getting on with it the best they can. I certainly hope none have to stay longer absolutely necessary.

All throughout the complex there seems to be an intense battle being waged between the decorative plants and flowers placed by humans, and the naturally occurring forest flowers, weeds, and waste high grass.

Despite the beauty of these flowers, the strangest thing happens. Somehow the foul, decrepit atmosphere of the housing complex manages to pollute their radiance. It was sort of like looking at a beautifully crafted designer bag by Louis Vuitton or Gucci for sale in a pawn shop. Somehow, it just seemed cheap and dirty.

As if to rub peoples nose in it further, the city has installed a playground fashioned from industrial use concrete tubing, steel scaffolding pipes, and old tires.

There is a river flowing nearby with all these strange, it has these huge industrial concrete blocks through it as though was an existing structure that the river is slowly eroding away. there before the river.

Walking past this place on my way to and from work everyday will be a good thing. I hope I never end up in a place like this.

Frank the Japanese Copper

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Thu, 06 May 2010 11:58:00 +0000

Strolling about recently in Saitama recently, looking to enjoy a bit more of spring before it gets too hot for me to be walking about in the sun. If only there where more nice days like this.

As is often my fancy, this particular day had me heading towards a brand new shopping center. It was only 3pm but I was already half tanked on whisky.

It was then I met a very nice, young police sergeant. His name was Frank. Frank is in charge of a very safe, quite area next to the Shin-misato LaLaport.

Frank isn’t like other Japanese policemen. He never worries about hassling people about random bicycle checks, or gaijin cards. In fact he never even beats confessions out of suspects during undocumented interviews, or gropes high school girls in his time off.

Frank was exceptionally friendly and offered to give me a bird’s eye view of his precinct. We took off and were flying about for what seemed like hours.

I was lucky because Frank said he had enough whisky, and insisted I drink the rest all by myself.

Frank’s police box was perhaps the cutest, most non-confrontational police station I have ever encountered. Even Frank had to admit it was cute. And it was. Even by Japanese standards.

Even Frank’s Police car was cute. He said it gets excellent mileage.

He said he has would like to use the bicycle and mini scooter more, but his feet wont reach the pedals.

Thank you Frank! We salute you.

A Quick Single…

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 21:59:00 +0000

A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"

Pass Thy Salt and Thy Pepper

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 11:45:00 +0000

I was to be found lurking about in Sendagaya recently. You probably don’t care do you. I don’t blame you, because as it turns out Sendagaya is not nearly as good as you’d think.

In fact, I asked some other people who probably know a lot more about it than me, and definitely more than you, but they also said didn’t know where it was.

Despite this, I did find a very weird little shop selling salt and pepper shakers molded to look like popular religious charachters.

There were no one’s of Joseph. Come to think of it, isn’t it strange how Joseph isn’t really all that well known compared to the other characters from the Nativity. Everyone knows about the 3 wise men, and Mary and Baby Joseph of course, but no one seems to concentrate on Joseph.

He just blends in like the other guy in Wham, that dud Prince Edward, or that 5th guy in Arashi who just stands looking at the camera.

The bit that I like about this product is that it would in all likelihood appeal to both hard core Christians and atheists equally. An atheist would take great delight in a sacred Christian symbols being portrayed as condiment shakers, whilst a Christian would probably draw equal pleasure from receiving one under the Xmas tree. There aren’t many new products that can pull that off.

They don’t come cheap either. If you are willing to splash out on a top of the line Chrome plated Mary, it will set you back all of Y4725.

A Quick Single…

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 11:44:00 +0000

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"

Dramatic Arts Scene

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 21:29:00 +0000

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Dramatic Art, Prof. Desmond Clary MA.

I would like to use this occasion to congratulate all the prospective undergraduates selected to progress through to the 2nd round of our 2010 Dramatic Arts Program performance auditions.

This exceptionally high standard of competition this year has ensured for an extremely difficult and laborious culling process. Those young men selected to proceed into the ensuing rounds of competition can expect things to stiffen up considerably. Possibly in ways their young minds cannot yet imagine.

On the down side though, failed candidates need not be deterred or discouraged by the shame that my rejection undeniably brings them and their families. Instead, I ask such people to remember that there entire careers lay ahead of them, and encourage them to pursue his or her studies at any one of the less prestigious, inferior institutions that litter our country’s academic landscape.

Of all the rejected candidates to have darkened my door so far this year though, one young man perhaps stands out in particular. A very brave and courageous man named Simon, whom as luck would have I decided to cull early on the opening day of the selection process.

Despite his obvious lack of talent he immediately stood out from the other candidates for he was the only applicant in a wheel chair. As he rolled himself onto the stage he introduced himself as Simon.

I was immediately captivated by his courage and said, “It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair – Do you mind if I ask you what happened?" To this Simon said, "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a terrible car accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed instantly, but I survived, trapped in the car for 4 hours and had to be cut free. Although the doctors had me in surgery for 18 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible” I said. “But I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

"No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs directly onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 12 months, and I hope to be walking again someday."

I was taken aback by his optimism and said "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to do for your audition?"

Simon replied "Well, I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."

A Quick Single…

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 13:10:00 +0000

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

Up Norf in Japan

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:13:00 +0000

Roving around in Yonezawa, northern Japan the other evening desperately looking for something to keep my mind occupied.

You'll have to take my word for it, its not as easy as it sounds up there.

In fact, after a pleasant stroll around town, I realized that my best bet for entertainment was to pretend to walk into the ladies restroom at the train station by mistake. But once I had done that 5 or 6 times I was back to square one.

As usual, it wasn't long before I found myself at convenience store looking for booze. The city's only convenience store as it would happen. A Newdays outlet.

Like most frequent conbini visitors, over time, I have built up quite an aversion to Newdays.

Operated as a subsidiary of East Japan Railways, they are normally located inside station terminals, protected from competition from other chains. Commuters are hence a captive audience with no option but to shop or wait. Understandably, most sensible people don't build up any loyalty to the brand the way they do to Family Mart or Lawson

Despite this, admirably, Newdays normally run a very tight ship.

But not up north in Yonezawa they don't.

Pyongyang flavored sandwiches and onigiri for all.

No food, but thankfully a lovely drawing of Goofy. Even if he was a bit hard of hearing on the left side.

Mercifully, they also had an extensive range of Hello Kitty souvenirs. Maybe the best I have seen north of the capital.

The convenience store also had a 5 meter statue of a samurai warrior at the entrance.

Extensive Hello Kitty baubles selection. 25 foot samurai doll. No food.

Keep up the god work Newdays.

A Quick Single…

noreply@blogger.com (The Cock And Balls Blog) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 05:16:00 +0000

A guy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said the guy "she burns everything else!"