Interweb News Service

H-Pitty

2008-09-26T23:37:00.001-04:00

New Yorker Obama Cover

2008-07-16T12:21:00.003-04:00

Once again the Daily Show gets it right. It points out the media's hypocritical outrage of the New Yorker's front page cartoon of the Obamas. After all, the cartoon is simply satirically pointing out the media's real characterization of Obama and his wife. Which is probably why the media is pissed - how dare someone point out that they are speculative sensationalists!

2008-06-24T13:26:00.001-04:00

Righting Injustice in the World

2008-06-16T02:49:00.011-04:00

Bikinis Banned in Utah Town

Just so you know that there are people out there still fighting against injustice (as well as for truth and the American way), the city council of Kanab, Utah is being persuaded to lift their ban on bikinis at their new city pool. Did you know that some American towns banned bikinis? I didn't, but this is not a good sign. If they can ban bikinis, what would they be banning next? Luckily, the associated press came out with an article a few days ago saying that the Kanab city council is probably going to lift the ban. And whoever the nameless hero is that is convincing them to do this, the story doesn't name him.

Whoever he is, and I'm simply assuming he's a he, deserves recognition even if he remains anonymous. Not many guys out there would take a public stand for something like this in our very politically correct society. But somehow there was enough outrage, criticism, and "comical disbelief" stirred up that the city council is feeling obliged to change the rule. Yet another intrusive big government rule that all American guys should fight anywhere and everywhere it should happen to show up. Ever since the American Patriot whathisname wrote the ballad "Ode to the Bikini, How I Doth Love Thee," it's been part of U.S. history. Perhaps we'll never know who the nameless hero in Kanab, Utah is. But that's ok, here's to you, pal.

Instead, for some reason, the article just interviews City Councilwoman Nina Laycook who shrugs it off as a mere oversight. "We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording." Uh huh, like the word BIKINIS? Doesn't that word just kinda stand out? It's pretty easy for any guy to notice anyway. Laycook extrapolates how she's going to try and change the ban - "my recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis ..." Thanks lady, I'm sure the people in town appreciate your input. But one thing Councilwoman Laycook doesn't understand is how steeped in Western Civilization the bikini really is. I mean, geeze, why do you think some of those eastern civilizations are so angry all the time? Their women don't wear bikinis, ours do.

Hell, I just looked it up on Wikipedia - "Two-piece garments worn by women for athletic purposes have been observed on Greek urns and paintings, dated as early as 1400 BC. Ancient artwork from over 1700 years ago in Villa Romana del Casale have depicted women in garments resembling modern-day bikinis ..." It was never rocket science. Western Culture figured out how to make these things, and guys figured out that their women looked good wearing them pretty darn fast a long, long time ago.

And since Wikipedia's so awesome, did you know that wearing bikinis in America is actually a patriotic tradition? Damn straight it is - "Two-piece swimsuits started appearing in the US when the U.S. Government ordered a 10 percent reduction in the fabric used in woman's swimwear in 1943 as part of wartime rationing." So girls started wearing these things during World War II to help save for the war that their boys were fighting overseas. And where does the word "bikini" come from? It's named after nuclear weapon tests actually. The U.S. had atomic bomb test sites in the Marshall Islands of the South Pacific and the name of one test site was the "Bikini Atoll." So American girls regularly wear swimsuits these days that are named after American nuclear bombs.

Of course, European countries started immediately banning bikinis back in the day. And even some "decency leagues" came out against them in the U.S. Pretty much just common sense and Brian Hyland's "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" song immediately crushed any hopes the decency leagues may have had. You just can't get that tune out of your head. Once you hear it, the damage is done.

So where was this ban again? Oh yeah, Utah ... isn't that the state that was founded by all those mormons? I can't say I'm a fan. But I would heartily side with any average mormon American guy for the proposition that mormon American girls should have the right to wear bikinis ... even if they do live in Utah. It's hot there anyway.

Utah town may revise ban on bikinis at city pool

Basically this news story was just an excuse to post pictures of girls in bikinis. Cool, huh?

This Week in YouTube

2008-06-13T20:58:00.004-04:00

TV No Longer Needed

2008-06-13T19:41:00.003-04:00

Comedy Central is now starting to use Hulu for web delivery of two of their most popular shows - The Daily Show and Colbert Report. As part of the move, they are allowing users to watch the whole episode instead of the edited clips they had offered on their own websites.

What Has The Sun Evah Done Fah NEW YAHHHHK!!!

2008-06-10T22:04:00.005-04:00

We all know those wacky Yankee fans. Always booing something! They were in a particularly irritable mood yesterday in the fifth inning of a home game against the Kansas City Royals as temperatures soared into the 100s ... so much so that they BOOED THE SUN.

Yeah, screw you, giver of life!

Fans showed their approval today when a cloud moved in front of the sun during the fifth inning of the Yankees-Royals game. They booed moments later when the sun returned. On a day when temperatures neared the century mark over much of the eastern United States, any relief was welcome.

In Yankees fans' defense, the sun was batting .192 with runners in scoring position.

Choke - Release Date set for Sept 26

2008-06-09T13:59:00.004-04:00

Can't tell from the preview if this is going to be very good or not. It has two very good things going for it though - (1) It's the first movie made from a book by author Chuck Palahniuk since Fight Club. I've read Choke and it was very funny with a the same style of Palahniuk cultural commentary. (2) It stars up-and-coming Sam Rockwell, who's goofiness in his roles is becoming more and more popular.

Nationwide Tomato Warning

2008-06-09T12:49:00.006-04:00

USA TODAY - The Food and Drug Administration said Sunday that 145 to 150 people in 16 states have been sickened by salmonellosis, which has been linked to the consumption of raw red tomatoes. The FDA initially issued a warning June 3 about tomatoes in New Mexico and Texas. Saturday, officials expanded the warning nationwide ...

States reporting illnesses linked to the outbreak include Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Oregon, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington and Wisconsin ...

Salmonellosis in healthy people can cause fever, diarrhea (which can be bloody), nausea, vomiting and stomach pain. "It's not something that you'd want," Acheson says. "It's going to land you with two or three days of a lot of discomfort" ... Salmonellosis can be dangerous to young children, the elderly or people with weakened immune systems ...

Simply washing tomatoes can help, but it won't necessarily remove the salmonella bacteria, because when tomatoes are picked on very hot days and put into cold water to chill, salmonella on their surface can be drawn up into the fruit ...

Salmonella outbreak linked to raw tomatoes strikes about 150

Colbert out Colbert'd

2008-06-07T21:04:00.002-04:00

George Will rocked Colbert on Tuesday with wit, humor and aplomb...without ever raising his voice.

One point I disagree with Mr. Will on: he claims that Conservatives are for freedom and liberals are for social good. However, what he should have said was "conservatives are for economic freedom and social mandates while liberals are for social freedom and economic mandates."

Hillary's Done

2008-06-07T15:26:00.003-04:00

"I am a woman, and like millions of women I know there are still barriers and biases out there," she said.

Despite coming up short in her bid for the Democratic nod, Clinton said that she has made the path for the next woman presidential candidate all that much easier. She noted that when her campaign began there were questions about whether a woman could really serve as commander in chief; "Well, I think we answered that one," she said.

She added that while her campaign had failed to break the final -- and highest -- glass ceiling, that it had still managed to put "about 18 millions cracks in it", a reference to the votes she won during the entirety of the presidential primary fight. "The light is shining through like never before, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be easier next time," Clinton said.

And thus according to Hillary, her losing the election was yet another great triumph in the history of womankind.

With Legacy and Future in Mind, Clinton Ends Run

Cool Clint Eastwood Article

2008-06-07T14:52:00.006-04:00

Cool article about Clint Eastwood came out because of the new release of the "Dirty Harry" series on DVD -

Dirty Harry - the story of a cop railing against bureaucracy and pursuing criminals according to his own whim - has been so imitated that it is hard to imagine the revulsion that spilled over it upon its release. The New Yorker's critic, Pauline Kael, called it "fascist", and other reviewers heaped similar scorn on it. They wondered whether holding a .44 Magnum in a suspect's face was the best way to pursue justice; they wondered whether the San Francisco setting was a slap at one of America's most liberal cities; even the CND belt buckle sported by Scorpio, the serial killer in the film, was interpreted as a swipe at the left ...

Eastwood still likes to let his views be known, often forcefully. In 2005, he vowed he'd kill Michael Moore if the documentarian ever showed up at his house, the way he had doorstepped Charlton Heston in Bowling for Columbine. This March he was sacked from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's California state parks commission for objecting to the building of a toll road through a national forest. But though he has been associated in the public mind with Republican viewpoints, he's something of an individualist. "I don't pay attention to either side," he claims. "I mean, I've always been a libertarian. Leave everybody alone. Let everybody else do what they want. Just stay out of everybody else's hair. So I believe in that value of smaller government. Give politicians power and all of a sudden they'll misuse it on ya."

Has he declared for anybody in this electoral cycle? "You know, I haven't really," he says. "My wife used to be an anchorwoman in Arizona, so she knew John McCain and she liked him and I kinda liked him. In fact, we sort of supported him when he was running the first time against Bush eight years ago. But we haven't been active as yet. It's kind of a zoo out there right now. So I think I'll kinda let things percolate."

The Guardian - Dirty Harry Comes Clean

Burn After Reading - Predicted Most Badass Movies of 2008

2008-06-06T15:46:00.002-04:00

And The Coen Brothers are coming out with another film this year -

Burn After Reading trailer

You Don't Mess With The Zohan; Kung Fu Panda; The Promotion

2008-06-06T13:59:00.009-04:00

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (Jun 6) - Usual Sandler Schtick Except It’s About Arab-Israeli Relations

(Directed by Dennis Dugan, with Adam Sandler, John Turturro, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Nick Swardson, Lainie Kazan, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock and Mariah Carey)

"'You Don't Mess with the Zohan,' the new Adam Sandler movie, has an abundance of daffy visual gags and some pungent lines of the most politically incorrect sort (although swaddled in thick faux Middle Eastern accents). The picture is also a goofy satire of Arab-Israeli relations, and already there's been earnest media whining about this — the playing of such a combustible subject for laughs. Too bad for the whiners that the picture is so funny … In Manhattan, Zohan finds a job at a small salon run by a beautiful Palestinian woman named Daria (Emmanuelle Chriqui, of ‘Entourage’). The shop is on a street populated by Arab immigrants on one side and Jews on the other; and while it must be admitted that the movie does find Arabs to be a little funnier than their desert brethren, the laughs generally go both ways. (A Jewish-run electronics store that's actually called Going Out of Business offers cheap cell phones ‘with free HBO.’)"
- Kurt Loder, MTV

“Zohan is a top Israeli counterspy who bops down the boulevard like Borat imitating a disco-era Travolta snapping Chuck Norris moves. He is the master of almost any situation from a hacky sack challenge to outswimming a jihadist on a jet ski … The film has a disorienting, daffy feel, swinging easily between the comic romance of Zohan and the pretty Palestinian owner of his salon (Emmanuelle Chriqui), and farcical action scenes that demolish half of Brooklyn. The dialogue is full of left-field weirdness: When Zohan explains his accent by insisting he's Australian, someone comments that it's much nicer there since they ended apartheid.”
- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

“Sandler plays an ace agent for the Mossad, the Israeli secret police; he has no interest in counter-terrorism and spends as much time as possible hanging out with babes on the beach … His archenemy, the Palestinian agent known as the Phantom (John Turturro), is also in New York, and they make war. The Phantom's training regime is severe. He takes eggs, cracks them and live chicks emerge. These he puts in a glass and chugs. He punches not only sides of beef but a living cow. Like the Zohan, he is filled with confidence in his own abilities, and with reason (he can cling to ceilings). Their confrontation will be a battle of the Middle-Eastern superheroes …

There are scenes here that make you wince. One involves a savage game of hacky-sack using not a hacky-sack bag but a living cat … Sandler works so hard at this, and so shamelessly, that he battered down my resistance. Like a Jerry Lewis out of control, he will do, and does, anything to get a laugh. No thinking adult should get within a mile of this film. I must not have been thinking.”
- Roger Ebert, ROGEREBERT.COM

“Despite the huge popularity of pictures such as Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison and Sandler's box office clout, the actor has gotten rich on one of the worst oeuvres of any comedian since Jerry Lewis (there's a lesson in there somewhere). This is why Zohan feels like such a surprise. Sandler, now 41, is still doing his sweet-nice guy schtick: Even though the Zohan is the baddest of bad-asses who can take down an army single-handed, catches bullet with his teeth and throws piranhas into his crotch to prove he can tolerate any pain, he also happens to be a modest, courteous lad who doesn't mess with anyone -- unless they mess with him first …

"What's different about Zohan is the script, co-written by Sandler, Robert Smigel (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) and Judd Apatow (Knocked Up, Superbad), works overtime to ensure the movie is more than just a premise … The film has an ethnic or racial joke to go along with each of its can't-we-all-get-along sermons, which makes the heavy-handed and obvious speechifying go down a lot easier. Essentially, You Don't Mess With the Zohan isn't all that different in tone and sensibility from Sandler's previous films, but he's really trying in this one, and the effort pays off.”
- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

Kung Fu Panda (Jun 6) - A Cartoon for the Children of Martial Arts Movie Lovers

(Directed by Mark Osborne & John Stevenson, with Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Ian McShane, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Lucy Liu, David Cross, and Michael Clarke Duncan)

“Once again, a schlub who loves kung fu for its outward hy-yah! appeal gets selected as a ‘chosen one’ to battle some great evil, so he's gotta get in shape and learn about karate's disciplines the hard way by training with tough masters. Of course … To be honest, I dreaded going into Kung Fu Panda -- it looked ripe with opportunities to make bad jokes at the expense of what is essentially a way outdated view of Chinese culture. Not only that, it's also a DreamWorks Animation production, and I've grown to shudder at one of those when approaching it. They're reliable for delivering cheap humor, often crass, smart-alecky, and laden with current pop culture references and celebrity send-ups. If this approach is combined with what's essentially a cultural target -- well, the horrific possibilities seem endless. As it turns out, Kung Fu Panda emerges as a pleasant surprise. It avoids easy targets and actually bases its humor in its performances -- voices and accompanying character animations.

“It's a completely self-contained little story, and it sincerely delivers its comedy and, yes, drama. Jack Black's voice performance, sense of humor, and, no doubt, point of reference for the main character's physical performance are what give the movie its modern accessibility, but I admit I was surprised when the rest of the story and characters actually provided a straight and calm, complementary background to Black's spotlighted antics … The whole of Kung Fu Panda serves to solidify further the romanticizing of the old kung fu flicks. The homage has less to do with Chinese culture than with Chinese movies, and it amounts to the same love Forbidden Kingdom was expressing -- an earnest fondness for Bruce Lee, Shaw Brothers, crouching tigers, drunken masters, and five deadly venoms. All this, and DreamWorks is finally able to deliver an animated feature with a warm heart, sans condescending irony.”
- Jeffrey Chen, REELTALK MOVIE REVIEWS

“The movie achieves its creative pinnacle right at the start. Po, a supreme fighter only in his dreams, fantasizes about taking on a saloon-full of plug-uglies and winning the admiration of his idols, the Furious Five: Monkey (Jackie Chan), Mantis (Seth Rogen), Tigress (Angelina Jolie), Viper (Lucy Liu) and Crane (David Cross). In bold 2D animation resembling imagery ripped from street posters, this introductory sequence presents Po as an upside-down tornado (funnel at the bottom), whirling into action against opponents who at their eeriest are like animated shadow puppets. As Po offers a running commentary on his own greatness, the sequence mixes hilarity with braggadocio and braces audiences for comic wonderments to come … Kung Fu Panda is a gift, too, albeit a modest one. In a good way, this chop-socky cartoon reminded me of the old joke about chop suey joints: An hour after you see this film, you're hungry to see another one. You may not want to see it twice, but it does whet your appetite for movies.”
- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

“The nicest surprise about ‘Kung Fu Panda’ is that it's so much better than the goofy-cutesy title would lead you to expect. It entertains with consummate skill and aims to please without (pardon the pun) pandering. The latest computer-animated feature from DreamWorks pushes the envelope of quality as ambitiously as its Pixar rivals … There's not a lot of unnecessary exposition standing in the way of the gags. Still, the traditions of the genre are treated with affectionate irreverence, not mocking parody. ‘Panda's’ creative team loves the films that inspired them … The character animation is outstanding; Po's expressions are bug-eyed, slack-jawed marvels to behold. And the vocal performances are uniformly strong. Black's turn as the endearing buffoon-hero is a perfect match of casting and character. Hoffman is a dry delight as the unflappable Shifu, who adds shadings of worldly sophistication and sarcasm to even throwaway lines.”
- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

The Promotion (Jun 6) - Another Cultural Commentary Comedy

(Directed by Steve Conrad, with Seann William Scott, John C. Reilly, Jenna Fischer, Lili Taylor, Gil Bellows, and Fred Armisen)

“ …what is most different about The Promotion in today’s movie market is its unusual lack of malignancy, to the point that one feels sympathetic to both the apparent protagonist, Doug, and the apparent antagonist, Richard. Then what accounts for the quiet horror of the situation? Dare I say it? It’s the infernal system that tortures and enslaves the great majority of ordinary people …

“The talented ensemble players fit seamlessly into the writer-director’s controlled patterns of dispensing information from a variety of viewpoints amid sudden transitions from the impersonal to the subjective. All in all, The Promotion deserves to be remembered fondly when this year’s award season comes rolling around. At last, we have a completely and profoundly American movie with all the classical skills of timing, editing and character development that we associate nostalgically with some Hollywood golden age.”
- Andrew Sarris, THE NEW YORK OBSERVER

“The Promotion was written and directed by Steve Conrad, who also wrote The Pursuit of Happyness and The Weather Man. This movie may be less sentimental than those films on the surface, but, like Judd Apatow’s best films, the four-letter words and squirm-inducing comedy actually hide a surprisingly well-intentioned heart … Part of The Promotion's satire is in how far Doug and Richard are willing to go in the name of seemingly miniscule advancement; at the same time, it's clear that the promotion would truly change things for the better for each man. Both Doug and Richard are capable of doing things they aren't proud of, and it's a tribute to Conrad's script that we get to glimpse their struggles and self-judgment peeking through comedy that, while it earns big laughs, never feels too broad or showy … The Promotion is a fairly unblinking look at modern American life, and it sneaks up on you with a superbly balanced mix of comedy and drama.”
- James Rocchi, COMMON SENSE

“Fueled by a sense of economic desperation that's all too familiar, ‘The Promotion’ may wind up being the funniest, timeliest comedy of 2008. The picture stars John C. Reilly and Seann William Scott as assistant managers at a grocery store who are vying for a new manager position. The only way it could be more apropos for the current economy would be if they were frantically competing to retain their paltry jobs, not earn a better one …

“At first Reilly's Richard seems to be the picture's foil, yet the actor gives such a humanizing performance that you begin to root for him too. Even though Richard is clearly the doofus of the two candidates - his woeful mishandling of a community relations meeting is one of the movie's comic highlights - Reilly's performance always reminds us that Richard's needs and dreams are just as real as Doug's. Indeed, ‘The Promotion’ doesn't really pit its two leads against each other as much as it lampoons the rat race within which they are trapped. These are two decent, average Joes clawing after the same moldy piece of cheese.”
- Josh Larsen, LARSENONFILM

Sex and the City; The Strangers

2008-06-06T13:15:00.009-04:00

Last week was a pretty bad week in the movie theater for men. I avoided it altogether, a good way to save money, right? However, there were some straight guys that got ensnared into watching movies last week - this is in memoriam to their efforts -

Sex and the City (May 30) - 0/4 - Guys Died Watching This One

(Directed by Michael Patrick King, with Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis and Jennifer Hudson)

“Shock hit me several times while watching the movie, and never in a good way. I was stunned while looking at my cell phone clock, sure that more than 10 minutes must have passed since I’d last checked the time … Relating to the enthralled women around me was no more a possibility than talking sports with a cactus. As the film played, we were disparate organisms not only on different wavelengths but different dimensions. I couldn’t partake in any of the humor they were gobbling up, and felt no suspense in the contrived, easily solved problems each of the fab four heroines endured. I’m not even sure they all faced problems. Charlotte’s greatest trial was wondering whether she should continue jogging after she finds herself in a medical condition. Carrie, for sure, takes on a colossal heartbreak, as does her pal Miranda. As for Samantha, her only challenge was to avoid clawing out Parker’s eyes due to taking screen time and top billing away from her.”
- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR

“Not a drop of the forthcoming plot had been leaked in advance, but I took a wild guess. ‘Apparently,’ I said to the woman behind me in line, ‘some of the girls have problems with their men, break up for a while, and then get back together again.’ ‘Oh, my God!’ she cried. ‘How do you know?’ … Sarah Jessica Parker … plays Carrie, the writer whose voice-overs keep us up to speed with the doings of her friends … Early in the film, she receives a proposal of marriage from her long-term boyfriend, Mr. Big (Chris Noth), and this triggers a Babylonian orgy of spending. In a montage of wedding-dress fittings, she honors ‘new friends like Vera Wang and Carolina Herrera and Christian Lacroix, Lanvin and Dior,’ and so on; what I object to is not the name-dropping—think of it as a chick response to ‘American Psycho‘—but the montage itself, which is shot in lazy veils of schmaltz …

“Mr. Big not only buys her a penthouse apartment (‘I got it’), he offers to customize the space for her shoes and other fetishes. ‘I can build you a better closet,’ he says, as if that were a binding condition of their sexual harmony: if he builds it, she will come. The creepiest aspect of this sequence was the sound that rose from the audience as he displayed the finished closet: gasps, fluttering moans, and, beside me, two women applauding … It’s true that Samantha finally disposes of one paramour, but only with a view to landing another, and her parting shot is a beauty: ‘I love you, but I love me more.’ I have a terrible feeling that ‘Sex and the City’ expects us not to disapprove of that line, or even to laugh at it, but to exclaim in unison, ‘You go, girl.’ I walked into the theatre hoping for a nice evening and came out as a hard-line Marxist, my head a whirl of closets, delusions, and blunt-clawed cattiness. All the film lacks is a subtitle: ‘The Lying, the Bitch, and the Wardrobe.’”
- Anthony Lane, THE NEW YORKER

“… we’ll continue to experience befuddlement verging on disgust whenever we’re reminded of Sex and the City (so named, we suppose, because Seriously Rethinking Third-Wave Feminism reads like ass on a poster). We’re totally down with the interpretation offered by a choreographer we know, who once pithily observed that SATC projects onto women ‘everything that’s wrong with men.’ For real: Is it any sort of inroad for a summer film to prove that ladies, too, can surrender to pummeling materialism, a blinkered emphasis on self-gratification and hollow objectification of the opposite gender? Plus, Darren Star and his ‘creative’ crew must be laughing their sphincters loose knowing that their amoral fantasia has been welcomed as gospel by genuine urban women, instead of their obvious target demo: Iowan paralegals too tipsy and titillated to notice that the characters are actually semiotic stand-ins for gay men …

“We’re realists here. We know that nothing we might write could dim a fan’s enthusiasm for rejoining the continuing adventures of Carrie and Samantha and … uh, Dopey, and … uh, the Pink Power Ranger. And maybe that’s as it should be, because everybody has the right to indulge his or her particular pop-culture obsession in a state of unmolested respect. So knock yourselves out, skanks.”
- Steve Schneider, ORLANDO WEEKLY

“To be completely honest, I’ve never made it past the ten-minute mark of a typical ‘Sex and the City’ episode. Anything more than that and I would break out in a rash and feel my bones turn to dust. It’s safe to assume the ‘Sex’ movie is nothing more than an elongated episode of the cult television show, since the old sensations of instant death came rolling back to me during the opening reel of the feature film. I never enjoyed the show, and the big-screen version is simply a heaping helping of the same New York City baloney that once bewitched a nation of daydreaming female (presumably) audiences and desperate magazine writers …

“To accept ‘Sex’ is to hold tight to the idea that it’s nothing more than a gaudy fantasy. After all, with these strident female stereotypes, insane ideas for cutting-edge fashion, and a parade of proudly emasculated male characters, it’s impossible to take anything ‘Sex’ has to say seriously. The material doesn’t strike me as a comment on female empowerment either, just a lengthy stab at embellishing a media-fed pathway toward self-loathing for overwhelming profit … Now blown up to theatrical standards, and it all comes across tasteless and punishing. Certainly series devotees will find the return of the four ladies to be gift from Blahnik heaven, but the uninitiated would be best advised to bring along a cyanide pill to end this horror show quickly and painlessly …

“I didn’t loathe ‘Sex’ because of my previous interaction with the show. I loathed the film because it’s a lazy, mean-spirited commercial for cultural deterioration. Even the most outlandish of fairy tales have some sense of magic and a feel for limitations. ‘Sex and the City’ exists on another planet, where materialism is a desired component of life and a woman is worth nothing if there’s not a man to love her.”
- Brian Orndorf, BRIANORNDORF.COM

“I missed the screening so had to see this at an early afternoon showing in a theater with a real audience. I was the only single heterosexual male there. The audience was 98% female. The only other males were either gay or had been dragged in by their female companions … The same four ladies who appeared in the TV series are here, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte York (Kristin Davis), and Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon). Carrie has been living with Mr. Big (Chris Noth) and they decide to get married. Miranda, an attorney, is career-occupied has problems with her husband, Steve Brady (David Eigenberg), with whom she has not had sex for six months. Steve is a long-suffering wuss if there’s ever been one. Any man who would allow himself to be treated like this and come crawling to her like he does probably doesn’t need much sex with a woman …

“I could go on about the many things I didn’t like, but why? Suffice it to say, this unfunny film as simply sheer fantasy, about as realistic as ‘The Chronicles of Narnia,’ but without the special effects. Actually, instead of humorous, I found it to be dark and depressing. The entire film is about Carrie trying to get over being dumped at the altar by Mr. Big, and nice guy Steve debasing himself trying to get back together with the cold, unattractive, selfish Miranda. What’s funny about that?”
- Tony Medley, TOLUCAN TIMES

“The money shots start early, and never stop. Carrie and her three girlfriends do not, apparently, own a single pair of jeans, sneakers or fuzzy slippers. What they do have -- all they have, in fact -- are hats the size of cocktail tables, heels the height of condos and wedding dresses whose trains require their own set of tracks … Yet despite Carrie's dippy voiceovers -- now copied endlessly on every other hour-long TV drama -- instead of wit we get wish-fulfillment, instead of self-examination we get self-pity. No one really changes. Everyone gets exactly what they want. And while all of that is pretty and shiny and glamorous, it's not really a movie. It's a clothes catalog that talks.”
- Stephen Whitty, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER

“This is one where four incredibly shallow, uninteresting women ramble on and on - and on and on - about their dull, uninteresting love lives, and there's so much product placement it's like being trapped in a dentist's office with nothing to read but an old issue of Vogue … It's easy enough to pick up the backstories of the characters, but why would you want to? These are silly, superficial women who can get ecstatic over an absolutely hideous handbag because it has the ‘right’ designer label.”
- Daniel M. Kimmel, WORCESTER TELEGRAM & GAZETTE

Well, what can you say? I don't know if I'd blame girls for watching it. But I certainly can't bring myself to try. Every one of these guys writing reviews of Sex and the City pretty much knew that they were screwed the second they walked inside the movie theater. Why even bother? Except for the fact that it's funny to laugh at their complaining afterwards.

The Strangers (May 30) - 0/4 - What Can Happen To You and Your Girlfriend If You're An Absolute Wuss-Bag

(Directed by Bryan Bertino, with Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks, and Laura Margolis)

“The initial based-on-a-true-story titles (yeah, right) even come with such stentorian, voice-of-doom narration I laughed out loud … people get dragged down halls, tied to chairs, chased through woods, stabbed in the gut and shotgunned in the face. There's an ax through the door, as in ‘The Shining,’ and a hideaway in a louvered closet, as per ‘Halloween.’ All that's missing is a chainsaw … without subtext, all that's left is misogynist sadism. Watch the pretty lady scream, scream, scream, all alone. Bet she's sorry she fought with her boyfriend now!

“Audiences who want nothing more than the artistic equivalent of someone jumping out and shouting ‘Boo!’ every five minutes or so will consider ‘The Strangers’ solid entertainment. Those looking for pathos or performance, though, will be disappointed. Asked to do little but run and survive (or, alternately, sit and sob) both lead actors labor to meet even those lowered expectations. Liv Tyler -- a passive, big-boned beauty who always seems in danger of curling up for a nap -- cries prettily. Scott Speedman bustles about and tries to look heroic. The three villains wear masks. Their agents' idea, I'd bet.”
- Stephen Whitty, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER

“Two young lovers (Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman) are terrorized in his family’s summer home by three people in creepy masks. ‘Inspired by true events,’ intones a sepulchral voice before the credits—but the ‘true’ events could only have been first-time writer-director Bryan Bertino going to see some Rob Zombie movies or the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and thinking: ‘Hmmm … too subtle, and not predictable enough.’ So Bertino tells us how his movie’s going to end before the credits even roll, then underlines it with the first scene, just in case we didn’t notice. From there, it’s simply a matter of dragging us relentlessly to the blood-spattered finish line, with Tyler and Speedman doing the kicking and screaming. No suspense, no scares, only boredom laced with sadism, useless even as a bad example.”
- Jim Lane, SACRAMENTO NEWS & REVIEW

“The art of suspense is dead, or at the very least, dying. Few in post-modern filmmaking know how to establish dread without drowning it in gore or just boring us to death. Part of the reason lies in how cinematically complex the basic bloodless thriller must be. It has to work on the psychological, as well as the physiological and pragmatic levels. As Hitchcock accurately stated, the viewer must be invariably linked to the fate of characters they just met, and may know more than. It’s all a matter of timing and talent. Tossing grue at the screen is as easy as opening up a can of red paint. Getting audiences to grip the edge of their seats stands as a rare motion picture accomplishment …

“The Strangers is a deadly dull experience in boredom … as for the acting, Tyler and Speedman are given little to do, instantly moving from morose to victim mode in the span of a few seconds. They never provide a sense of individual urgency, capable of anything to make sure they survive. Instead, they huddle into corners and whine, whimper, and wince. We never develop any real sympathy for them, so as a result, we don’t care if they live or die. Our killers are another conundrum all together. Purposefully oblique, they come across as deadly dolls without a single sinister bone in their persistent hunter horror personas.”
- Bill Gibron, POP MATTERS

I hate movies like this because they don't scare me and go against everything logical and rational in the natural universe. Maybe it's because of the worthless script and storyline, or maybe it's just because of Scott Speedman. Imagine for a minute that you are taking your girl to a hotel room (or cabin in the woods, even better) for a night. And all of a sudden a guy and two girls wearing masks (is this the beginning of a porn film?) start beating on your doors and windows, (wtf?). I don't know about you, but I'm opening my door and kicking ass so that I can get back to business inside. Geeze, just twist the stupid doll mask sideways during the scuffle and the motherf----- won't be able to see when you're kicking him in the face. Oh, we're talking about a movie here? Well, what if these mask wearing pricks tried to mess with a guy and girl at hotel room - but the guy turned out to be Samuel L. Jackson? I don't think the bad guys would keep him from his girl for very long. Oh, wait - the fact that the guy is wussy makes the movie fun? Not in my book, it doesn't.

Bench Clearings of 2008 - # 3

2008-06-06T13:03:00.002-04:00

More Green Ideas For You To Save the Planet With

2008-06-02T23:51:00.007-04:00

So the people over at Time Magazine just came out with another of their "Green" promotional stories. It's written by Bryan Walsh and it's called "Eating Bugs." Why you ask? They explain why - "A great way to save the planet may be to stop eating beef and munch on crickets instead." You hear that? It's not pretentious of them to tell us this, is it? I mean, shouldn't you be able to eat the sort of food you like and avoid crunching on the food of third world countries? Not according to Time - "Afraid of Insects? Get over it. Bugs are surprisingly nutritious — and far better for the environment than traditional sources of protein."

Why should we start eating insects? Walsh explains how raising mammals to eat wastes more of the earth's resources.

"For instance, it takes far less water to raise a third of a pound (150 g) of grasshoppers than the staggering 869 gal. (3,290 L) needed to produce the same amount of beef. Since bugs are cold-blooded invertebrates, more of what they consume goes to building edible body parts, whereas pigs and other warm-blooded vertebrates need to consume a lot of calories just to keep their body temperature steady. There's even a formula, called the efficiency of conversion of ingested food to body substance (ECI), that can be used to compare the weight different animals gain after eating a certain quantity of feed. Beef cattle have an ECI of 10. Silkworms range from 19 to 31. German cockroaches max out at 44."

So, in the environmentalist Time Magazine world, steakhouses will be out. Better start cooking up those grasshoppers, worms and cockroaches instead. But we have a problem. Stupid Americans are too prejudiced against a bug diet. Walsh goes into this further -

"Gordon swears by his white chocolate and waxworm cookies - but Americans first need to overcome the 'eww' factor. We think bugs are dirty, disease-laden or otherwise dangerous to eat - though they're not, as long as you cook them properly, are not allergic to shellfish (which, like insects, are arthropods) and aren't collecting bugs from fields that have been hit with pesticides. We're revolted by their alien appearance, but then again, lobster could hardly be described as cute and cuddly."

You get that? And, this is a serious article. They are not joking. Give 'em a year or two and they'll start coming up with some way to make some regulations to control American diets. Walsh already imagines human destruction of the planet forcing us to eat bugs.

"There's also the possibility that someday the exploding global population and the damage of climate change could bring about the collapse of our resource-intensive food supply. 'At that point,' notes Gracer, 'insects could become a pretty attractive option.'"

The good people at Time Magazine even have a video you're supposed to watch instructing on "How To Eat A Bug."

Time Magazine - Eating Bugs

I just don't know what to do with stories like this. Boggles the mind. What I do love, however, is when guys like Rush Limbaugh hear about these stories. Limbaugh probably almost had a heart-attack just reading this. So even he was incredulous when trying to explain it on his show.

"Now, the reason, ladies and gentlemen, is because if we start eating insects, we eat less beef, which will help carbon emissions, will help global warming. Eating bugs, a great way to save the planet. They do! They show you how to cook beetles, grasshoppers, silkworms, and centipedes out there. I mean, is that not absurd? It's a great source of vitamin A and other nutrients say these idiots. But one of those commenting at TIME.com says, 'Well, aren't we going to be using energy to cook the insects? Why not just eat them raw?' It just gets more and more and more absurd."

Yes, it sure does.

"Attacked" in the Library

2008-06-02T23:05:00.005-04:00

"The woman, a UC student, told police she was in the Langsam Library on Woodside Drive about 9 p.m. Wednesday when she spotted a suspicious-looking man walking around, records state. Then, she heard a noise coming from under her table and felt something cold on her feet. "When I looked down, the person was on his knee with the syringe," she wrote in an affidavit filed with the court. She immediately knew the man under her table was responsible for putting some sort of watery substance [turned out to be saltwater] on her shoes, she wrote."

So this creepy guy was underneath the table with a syringe spraying this girl's shoes with saltwater and then taking pictures of her doused shoes with his camera. The police arrested him and confiscated the syringe and camera. They found the pictures of her wet shoes under the table on it. So "Dwight Pannell, 43, of Columbus, was booked on charges of voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass, court records show."

And there's the picture they've released of him. Damn. Pretty dangerous places, libraries. Girls getting attacked by guys who look like this. Is that creepy? Imagine someone creeping under your table to syringe and photograph saltwater on your shoes. I mean, what would you do? I think it'd make me mad ... or it'd at least be pretty f-ed up if the guy under the table looked like the guy in this picture. What I know even more is that I wouldn't want this case if I worked in the DA's office, but it would be amazingly cool if one of my friends got stuck with the case.

Did he spray toes at library? - Man charged with spraying liquid on woman's shoes, taking pictures (Cincinnati Enquirer)

Two Guys' Opinion: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-06-01T15:26:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the seventh installment of Two Guys' Opinion, a (semi-)weekly dual column featuring the movie reviews of our very own Persiflage and Goodwholesomefun. This week, they review Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, starring Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett. Enjoy.

PERSIFLAGE
A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED AMERICAN ASS-KICKING - 3/4
The thickest spider-webs ever, plenty of skeletons & disintegrating corpses, miscellaneous man-eating insects, natives with poison darts, mythical artifacts from ancient lost civilizations - it's all here with the same old familiar musical score. And here is a much older Indy, but the bad guys aren't Nazis anymore. They're Commies though, so same thing.

GOODWHOLESOMEFUN
THOSE CGI MONKEYS? ALL LUCAS, BABY - 2/4
Harrison Ford has made his comeback as Indiana Jones, and he's done it without breaking a single hip. Bravo. You won't get much sitting and talking in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but you will get plenty of CGI-rendered goodness ... although when you find yourself repeatedly saying, "Hey, that scene is CGI-rendered!" -- that's not really a good sign.

With all the CGI and special effects in this thing, one main factor still makes the movie worth watching - Harrison Ford. Indiana Jones is probably Harrison Ford's best character in film history. And in the "Crystal Skull," he's about 20 years older than we remember. But seeing him again is like being reunited with an old friend. There aren't many other heroes in modern day movies that have Indy's charisma. He's not in as good shape as he used to be. His voice is more gravely. His scowl is more grumpy. But the older, more grizzled Indiana Jones is just as if not more tough and badass than before. He still makes mistakes during the fight scenes (more of them actually because he's a little out of practice) but that's part of his charm. Ford is completely at home here, and THAT'S what makes this film cool - rather than Spielberg's latest imagined CGI stunts.

I won't say too much about the outrageous plot lines or CGI special effects. It's not why you're watching this movie. You're watching it because that old feel from the series is something you love. And you'll get the feeling again, at least by the time Indy takes his new sidekick into the Conquistadors' graveyard. Speaking of sidekicks, I am not a Shia LaBeouf fan. But his character "Mutt" is actually kind of fun. He's a 1950s Brando worshipping young biker. And his interaction with Jones makes for some of the best dialogue. Hey, it's the 50s, so you gotta dig the Elvis music. Meanwhile, I personally liked the scene where the square with the sweater slugs him right into the arms of the friendly leather jacket wearing crowd - brawl ensues.

Some critics are displeased with the "Crystal Skull" because the plot is implausible. But this is an Indiana Jones movie we're talking about. Plausibility has never been part of the series (remember them jumping from an airplane with a blow-up raft?). In fact, this is really only about half of a movie anyhow. The other half feels like a Disneyland/Universal Studios amusement park ride. We're talking about driving off cliffs, swinging through the jungle, racing on motorcycles, and falling down huge waterfalls one after another. This time, instead of making a ride based off of this movie, it seems more like the movie was based off the ride that they plan to make for it. But you can't really blame Spielberg or Ford for it though. They were like little kids when they were making this thing. Roger Ebert actually addresses the criticism best, so I'll just let him sum this up -

"It takes a cold heart and a weary imagination to dislike an 'Indiana' film with all of its rambunctious gusto. With every ounce of its massive budget, it strains to make us laugh, surprise us, go over the top with preposterous action … Spielberg at heart will always be that kid who sneaked onto the back lot at Universal and talked himself into a job. He's the kind of man who remains in many ways a boy. He likes neat stuff. He thinks it would be fun to have Indiana and friends plunge over three waterfalls, not one. He knows that we know what back projection is, and he uses it blatantly … He knows back projection feels differently than perfect digital backgrounds -- it feels more like a movie. He likes boldly-faked editing sequences: We see the heroes in medium shot at the edge of a waterfall, we see a long shot of their boat falling to what would obviously be instant oblivion below, and then he shows the heroes surfacing together and near the shore (no rapids!) and spitting out a little water."

So basically, the "Crystal Skull" is definitely worth seeing. And it may not be the last one they make either. There's an opening at the end for the series to continue - and now that they've finally started it up again, there could be plenty of Indy Cold War adventures against the Communists. "Any last words, Dr. Jones?" That might be the most badass, patriotic "I like Ike" that you'll ever hear.

Ford once again plays the loveable bullwhip-toting archeologist Indiana Jones, only now it's been a couple decades since he fought the Nazis. Now, it's 1957, and Soviet KGB agent by the name of Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) is seeking a mystical object known as the "crystal skull" in order to control whatever powers it might have. Damn Russians! Indiana must beat them to it to save the world!

During his quest, he is aided by Token Impetuous Youth Mutt Williams (played by the pretensiously named Shia LaBeouf, who you might remember from Transformers). Williams is 16 shades of stupid. He is also impetuous. His smashing good looks are wasted, however, because there is no love interest in the film. Well, unless you count the one for Indiana Jones, but old people sex is gross.

You won't get much different from past Indiana Jones movies here, except for one thing: this movie is absurd. Of course, it is Indiana Jones. But this movie is really, reeeeaally absurd. So absurd that you see scene after scene and you can hear your mind shout, "That is absurd!"

Seriously, and I'll try not to drop any spoilers here, but there is a CGI-rendered scene where Mutt swings on vines through the jungle with dozens of monkeys at his side that was so stupid I nearly laughed out loud.

It's one thing to outrun giant boulders and narrowly dodge ancient booby traps in caves, but to drive your car onto a tree sticking out from the cliff and have it slowly lower you into the river below just made me wonder what universe the writer of this script is living in. Oh, George Lucas wrote it? Say no more.

Not surprisingly, this movie kicked ass in the box office, and often it delivered where it counted. There wasn't a dull moment in the movie. However, it can't hold a candle to Raiders of the Lost Ark, even though it tries courageously to do so. And throughout the movie, it often felt like they were trying just a little too hard with stunts of increasing ridiculousness.

At this rate, Indiana Jones will be able to fly in the next installment.

When is a prayer not a prayer?

2008-05-31T13:13:00.006-04:00

When it is stump speech full of proud posturing and applause - seriously, he had applause lines in his "prayer." Instead of looking to the praise and applause of men, Father Silante should read the Bible he is supposed to be a teacher on:

When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. - Matthew 6:5

Dems Unraveling - Part VI

2008-05-30T20:53:00.001-04:00

Young Hillary Clinton

Do You Need A Microscopic Ramen Bowl? Well, Japan Has You Covered

2008-05-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

Japanese scientists just keep coming up with new innovations. In the .00000001% of the time they're not tinkering with robots, apparently they do other stuff: like create microscopic noodle bowls.

The bowl, created in 2006, has a diameter of 1/25,000 of an inch. The purpose of creating the bowl was to develop nanotube-processing technology. Yeah, sure it was.

The ramen bowl experiment included a string of "noodles" that measured one-12,500th of an inch in length, with a thickness of one-1.25 millionth of an inch.

"We believe it's the world's smallest ramen bowl, with the smallest portion of noodles inside, though they are not edible," Nakao said.

Thanks for clarifying.

Fans Of Canadian Minor League Lacrosse Are Out Of Control, Apparently

2008-05-28T20:39:00.001-04:00

We've all heard abuse heaped on referees in virtually every sport. It's not pretty sometimes. Well, one lacrosse league in Canada near Vancouver has found a simple solution: tell fans to shut up for an entire game.

The Port Coquitlam Minor Lacrosse Association has ordered that the stands remain silent for five games this season, meaning fans can't even so much as clap during the game.

(Head referee Craig) Labranche said many sports, such as lacrosse, hockey and soccer, have trouble keeping young referees because they quit rather than endure jeering from unhappy fans. ...

"We needed to do something," (association president David Clarke) said. "You toss out the odd parent and it seems like they're always getting replaced by another irate parent."

They should take the Baltimore Orioles approach. After all, empty seats can't boo.

From Russia With Love ... Perhaps A Little Too Much Love

2008-05-27T17:19:00.004-04:00

There are people who still like communism, and then there are people who still like communism a little too much, such as 54-year-old Swede Eija-Ritta Berliner-Mauer. You know what her surname means? It's German for "Berlin Wall." And why has she named herself that? Because, according to her, she married the wall back in 1979. Yes, really.

Eija told the Sun: 'I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy.'

She now keeps a model of the former wall - which was ripped down at the end of the Cold War - at her home in Liden, Sweden.

The article adds that she "fancies objects rather than people."

Well, I guess she and past commuist dictators have something in common.

Newsflash: Mars Exploration

2008-05-27T11:36:00.004-04:00

It's amazing how many people don't realize what we are doing in space right now. NASA launched a craft named the "Phoenix Mars Lander" last summer that has been on it's way to Mars for the last 10 months. Well, it landed on Mars on Sunday. And it's beginning to send back pictures and scientific data back to NASA.

The mission of the Phoenix is (a) to explore the possibility of whether any life was ever on Mars (by digging through martian soil to look for organic compounds and then at the ice underneath in the Martian artic), and (b) to prepare for the human exploration of Mars. Wouldn't it be absolutely crazy if Americans set foot on and build a habitable structure on the planet Mars in our lifetimes? Listen for more news stories as the Phoenix Lander has a limited lifetime, and will be trying to gather data before martian winter sets in and incapacitates it.