The Intoxication

Cheap Vodka

Some of the top selling labels in America contain words like: Bankers Club, Vladimir, Popov, Svedka followed by the word: vodka. You can filter it through your Brita, mix it with Kool Aid or just take shots of it at nine in the morning....no matter what, that $10 plastic bottle is full of hard-boiled rocket fuel that does things to your esophagus that a sock full of razor blades could only dream of doing.

Miller High Life

"The Champagne Of Beers"!! ie....The Rabbit Turd In The Dead Sparrow, The Cum Shot On The Corpse, The Period Blood Of Fruit Juice, Turducken.

Let's be honest, it's the only beer that tastes better out of a 16 ounce can! That's saying something.

June 2009

You can't keep Kiefer out of the Drunk Of The Month very long. This is HIS award. Every other month, he just lets someone else borrow it!

"While at an after-party for a costume gala held at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, Kiefer Sutherland confronted and then head-butted clothing designer Jack McCollough. The action left McCollough with lacerations on his nose. Sutherland claimed that he was only coming to the assistance of actress Brooke Shields, saying that McCollough had knocked her over."

Keep it classy Kiefer!

Makers Mark and Mountain Dew

This is the epitome of high class redneck. This is a very polarizing drink. Some may say this ruins a fantastic whiskey. Some may say it ruins a fantastic green carbonated beverage. I just say it's fucking moronic!

Corona

Corona sells just as many t-shirts to 13-year-old boys as they sell beer to 13-year-old boys. It is amazing just how non descript a Corona is without that damned lime. Some may call it Mexican piss in a bottle, some may call it a Cinco de Mayo tradition. All I know, if I'm drinking a Corona, I am most likely surrounded by sand and water and someone else is buying the beer!

May 2009

A man trying to use the gate keypad at A Pocono Country Place apparently was so intoxicated he fell out of his pickup truck, which then rolled over his leg. When Police responded, they found Raymond Vangeldren, 52, on the ground, and the truck some distance away in a group of trees.

April 21, 2009

Kir

This drink is why we are here today. Let me explain. If a dude today uses fruity shots, Smirnoff Ice and some baybreeze's to get a lightweight girl drunk and willing to go back and fornicate with "said loser"......the Kir was the one and only way to go 100 years ago.

The Kir is just creme de cassis and white wine.

For those of you from the 80's that's called Bartles and James. For those of you from the 90's that's called Zima and a shot of Chambord. For those of you from the 00's that's called Coors Light with a roofie.

Bud Light Lime

Further evidence that the Big Breweries such as Anheuser-Busch and Miller are no different than Coke and Pepsi.

Coke Lime vs. Pepsi Twist (Pepsi with a lime twist) AKA Bud Light Lime vs. Miller Chill (Miller with a lime twist)

Regardless, I often sit back, gaze at the passing clouds, inhale the fresh breeze, ponder the mountains, become one with the birds and ask myself, "how in the fuck can Bud Light get any shittier?"

Well...now I can move on with my thoughts and ponder how Coke can ever counter-attack the Crystal Pepsi onslaught?

April 2009

Vince Shamwow Shlomi!!! This ex-scientologist, ex-"Underground Comedy Movie" star turned "you know the German's make good stuff" and "you'll love my nuts" star.

Shlomi gets a hooker in Miami. Shlomi gives her $1000 for "straight" sex. Shlomi tries to kiss the whore. Whore bites Shlomi's tongue. Shlomi beats the living shit out of whore!!!

I'm calling Vince Shamwow out not to poke fun at him....but to PRAISE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS AMERICAN HERO!!!

Gibson

For starters, I love gin. For Seconds, tiny onions give me the creeps.

Since a Gibson is a gin martini garnished with chemically imbalanced tiny onions....I have a hard time with this cocktail. Did someone convince a large white onion to spread it's seeds to a pod of peas?

New Belgium's Fat Tire

So I waited my entire lifetime to drown my tastebuds in this epic ale. All I hear is how these fantastic indie/hippie west coast breweries are leading the way in American beer brewing. New Belgium and Stone get's thrown out there the most. I have not personally found Stone to be anything special. But I finally got a taste of the "holy grail" of Colorado micro-brewing: Fat Tire. "What a waste of coal".
Keep it on the west side my Pacific friends...because if that's your top amber ale, my east coast taste buds suggest a better breed of hops are grown under the ozone-riden, over-populated, under-employed, over-worked, under-vitaminD'd, land-hogging East Side.

March 2009

Japan's Finance Minister appeared drunk during a speech at the G7 summit meeting. In my honest opinion, he did not appear drunk.....HE WAS WASTED DRUNK OFF HIS JAPANESE ASSHOLE!

He has recently resigned (meaning he WAS actually drunk).

wait for it....wait for it....wait for it.....OK...here's the punchline:

"I sincerely apologize for my appearance at the press conference, in which I was under the influence of too much cold medicine." ---Shoichi Nakagawa

Self

Now I shall tell you the nature of this absolute Witness. If you recognize it, you will be freed from the bonds of ignorance, and attain liberation.

There is a self-existent Reality, which is the basis of our consciousness of ego. The reality is the Witness of the states of ego consciousness and of the body. That Reality is the constant Witness in all three states of consciousness--waking, dreaming, and dreamless sleep. It is your real Self. That Reality pervades the universe. It alone shines. The universe shines with Its reflected light.

Its nature is timeless awareness. It knows all things, Witnesses all things, from the ego to the body. It is the Witness of pleasure and pain and the sense-objects. This is your real Self, the Supreme Being, the Ancient. It never ceases to experience infinite release. It is unwavering. It is Spirit itself.

--Shankara

February 2009

Peru's top court ruled a dude (Pablo Cayo to be exact) could not be fired (which he was) for showing up to work drunk! They ruled it was just as likely that he just SMELLED like alcohol, and was not actually DRUNK. Hooray supreme court of Peru, you deserve your own Bud Light commercial....because you're a real American hero (Peruvian hero in this case).

Pink Panty Dropper

1 can pink lemonade concentrate + 1 bottle of cheap vodka + 1 12 pack of cheap beer = cheap drunk sluts. What more do you need to know? Gentlemen, if you're having a dry spell, throw a party and serve this crap. Hell, you don't even have to throw a party, just set up a lemonade stand in front of your favorite High School and have at it!!

Troegs Nugget Nectar

It smells of something found caught in the shag carpet of a Cheech and Chong apartment. It looks like what beer should look like. It jumps out of the bottle and cascades down the slopes of the glass. It bites the air around it and grabs like a bulldog to a mailman's scrotum. It has become what February is really all about. Forget about Valentine's Day. Forget about Presidents' Day. Forget about Groundhog Day (please....let's ALL forget about Groundhog Day). Forget about Black History Month. February is Nugget Nectar season!

In other words: it ain't a bad beer.

Drinking Games

I can absolutely help out with drinking game ideas. There are three categories of drinking games:

Play a game with inanimate objects found close at hand. These games include Quarters, Beer (or Wine) Pong, Card-based games, Twister, Softball, Chug-the-Crown Royal, pole dancing, light-yourself-on-fire and soccer.
Play a drinking game with a movie. Essentially, you pick something a character would do or say, or pick an event to occur�and every time that thing happens�you drink! Good examples would be: drinking every time Pacino shoots somebody in Scarface, drinking every time you see The Big Lebowski with a white russian, drinking anytime there is a hard nipple scene in There�s Something About Mary or how about drinking anytime Keanu Reeves tries to act in (fill in any Keanu movie here)_.
Play drinking games for bodily harm. This is where you lump in your standard �running across a highway�, �jumping off a roof� and just about anything you see some drunken dolt do on YouTube.

Drinking games can be a great way to bond with others who enjoy taking their drunk to a new level. Sometimes a classic power hour can be tedious and a wearisome task. BUT, you throw in a shot glass, a coin and a competition�one hour just is not enough! However, being a drinking game champ doesn�t necessarily come with all the perks of a normal champion. For example, a World Series champ usually can expect a pay raise of several million dollars. A Beer Pong champ can expect their evening to end by lying on the floor watching the ceiling spin horribly out of control. An American Idol champ can expect a lucrative record contract and the chance to tell the world they�re gay. A drunken Twister champ can expect to stick their nose in their roommate�s armpit and the chance to tell the world they�re gay. A bowling league champ can expect a trophy and a blowjob from the rental shoe girl. A drinking Jenga champ can expect absolutely nothing.

All in all, drinking games can lead to unwanted pregnancy as a result of the cheap meaningless sex due to the level of intoxication. Drinking games can lead to a shortened evening due to the rapid rate of intoxication. Drinking games can easily lead to vomiting and toilet hugging due to the rapid rate of intoxication and heightened level of competition. Drinking games are the reason the term �D�s earn degrees� came about.

With that said, is it a bad sign to play Jack Daniels Pong by yourself? If Forrest Gump can play Ping Pong for hours at a time by himself, why can�t I �practice� my own pong skills in the comfort of a cold, lonely basement? Which reminds me, every time Gump bites into a damned chocolate---chug a chocolate martini!

One Taste

"And once you taste One Taste, no matter how fleetingly at first, an entirely new motivation will arise from the depths of your very own being and become a constant atmosphere which your every impulse breathes, and that atmosphere is compassion. Once you taste One Taste, and see the fundamental problems of existence evaporate in the blazing sun of obviousness, you will never again be the same person, deep within your heart. And you will want--finally, profoundly, and most of all--that others, too, may be relieved of the burden of their sleep-walking dreams, relieved of the agony of the separate self, relived of the inherent torture called time and the gruesome tragedy called space.

No matter that lesser motivations will dog your path, no matter that anger and envy, shame and pity, pride and prejudice will remind you daily how much more you can always grow: still, and still, under it all, around it all, above it all, the heartbeat of compassion will resound. A constant cloud of caring will rain on your every parade. And you will be driven, in the best sense of the word, by this ruthless taskmaster, but only because you, eons ago, made a secret promise to let this motivation rule you until all souls are set free in the ocean of infinity.

Because of compassion, you will strive harder. Because of compassion, you will get straight. Because of compassion, you will work your fingers to the bone, push at the world until you literally bleed, toil till the tears stain your vision, struggle until life itself runs dry. And in the deepest, deepest center of your Heart, the World is already thanking you."

--Ken Wilber, One Taste, 1999

Labatt Blue 11.5 oz Bottle

We are not spending this month saluting Labatt Blue. We are spending this month saluting Labatt Blue for their consistency in screwing us with their 11.5 oz bottles. Hooray!! Dickhead canucks. I have a special place in my heart for Labatt Blue, so this salute has nothing to do with the product that sits in that fine little 11.5 oz bottle. Bottom line: if a bakers' dozen is 13, than a Labatt Blue case is 23. It's not a bad pilsner as far as macrobrews go, but drink that shit on tap. Because the loonie no longer is valued at half the U.S. dollar...so don't get screwed by the case exchange rate. Give us a goddamned 12 ounce bottle or we'll start drinking Moosehead!

*Author's Note: I recently purchased a case of a Labatt product and it came in a 28 pack. So kudos to my friends the dickhead canucks! I suppose this site has the influence I thought it did.