the invisible boggs

Damaso the Decimator

2011-05-18T12:11:00.001-04:00

...Decimator of payroll, that is.

face, meet palm

It seems Decimatin' Damaso Marte will now be on the disabled list for the entire 2011 Yankee baseball campaign, despite early hopes that he could return after the All-Star break. We're assuming this also means next year's club-option portion of his contract should be declined, and he is officially done throwing innings for the Yanks.

Decimato signed with the Yankees in 2009 for $12 million over 3 years, plus the club option for a fourth. Since inking the deal, he has pitched a full 31 innings for the team. That's a pretty lucrative setup, when you consider the hours Marte actually logged on his in-game time sheet.

This got me thinking, and after a little digging, the information was intriguing enough to actually post numbers on your beloved-but-recently-forgotten iBoggs...

If we compare Marte's Dollars Per Inning Pitched with the other recent failures of the misunderstood genius that is Brian Cashman, Mr. Marte is quite impressive, indeed:

Damaso Marte - 31 IP, $12 million/3 years = $387,096/IP

Kei Igawa - 71.2 IP, $20 million/5 years = $279,069/IP

Carl Pavano - 145.2 IP, $38 million/4 years = $260,869/IP

Back in 2009, who would've ever thought Cashman could find a way to top Pavano and Igawa.... With a reliever, no less!? Well done, sir - you certainly deserve a contract extension!

Sometimes, being a Yankee fan can be a little more uncomfortable than I'd prefer.

...and let's not forget about Rafael Soriano, who currently resides on the DL - he was signed prior to the 2011 season to a 3-year, $35 million deal. If Rafael fails to pitch 91 innings over the course of this contract, he will overtake Marte for Most Expensive Innings Ever.

Go, Soriano, Go!

how to be something on

2011-04-21T23:23:00.008-04:00

If I wanted to break my own finger, do you think I could do it?

I don't know. There was that movie with a guy I think might have been Martin Lawrence (too lazy to check imdb right now - you can do it for me - I remember a trailer involving a man biting his hand between the thumb and index finger while a horrified pretty person watched and grimaced) in which the guy claimed that no person is able to willfully draw blood on themselves. .

Now, I don't really believe that's true, and I don't really believe in Martin Lawrence. Regardless, if I wanted to, I do think I could break my own finger. Or ankle. Or shoulder.

Whatever.

As it is, I'm in the middle of the latest episode of Justinfied right now - my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm sitting on my couch drinking the last of the Basil Hayden's and watching DVR television (with one eye on the Everly monitor, of course). I'm pulling my index finger back as far as it will go, wondering if my brain will allow me to snap it off at the big knuckle, thinking there's a possibility this could happen, and I wonder: Is this where 31 takes me? Am I set to be the guy that simply takes care of business during the day - as interesting and varied as my psychosocial work can be - and comes home to play with the kid, eat dinner, and wait for Timothy Olyphant to get me revved up at nighttime while I rip appendages from my body?

Is this what the life of the Family Man truly is?

endlessly cooler than me

Here are the thought processes: jtb is the most talented Chef de Cuisine in Philadelphia. cobber88 managed to break out of the 'Cuse, get himself into a city full of excitement and Buck Showalter possibilities. I don't know what the hell jburn is up to right now, but I do know that his facebook profile picture is badass.

All three seem to be living The Dream, taking their Michael Keaton aspirations to all corners of the globe and spreading iBoggs love to all that seek it. Meanwhile I'm the one left at the computer lamely complaining about middle class lethargy.

So, where do I stand, iBoggsians? Is it time for me to wonder about my life so far - how much I have (not) accomplished, and how that may compare with my self-perceived parental-defined potential? Probably. Probably not. Despite the bourbon-influenced fear, my guess is that I'm doing just fine. No matter what the individual may think about his own shortcomings, the outsider tends to be a little more optimistic. Yes?

I would guess that if jtb or cobber88 were to write this same post, they may think that eboye is doing quite well - good house in the suburbs complete with BBQ deck and guest bathroom, incredibly fun and attentive wife, loving family (especially two very caring and obviously capable parents) crazy cute 9-month daughter, and a slew of loyal friends who are all willing to sacrifice a Friday night just to share a drink together. Truly, that should be the dream. After all, it's what most of us really want, right?

Hell yes.

So, no, I don't think I could break my own finger. There's no reason to do so, and it would probably hurt a lot more than this Basil Hayden's in my belly. The iBoggs universe is not a place for whiners. Go to bed, you silly man - tomorrow it's your birthday.

learning to walk again

2011-04-12T19:38:00.001-04:00

Some of you saw Saturday Night Live this weekend, most of you probably have not. It was the same as usual - tedious, obvious, and far too much Seth Meyers. Saving the evening was Dave Grohl and his band, and this is just too badass to not re-post.

I've been on a Grohl kick lately, probably because he's been everywhere promoting the new Foo Fighters album, (streaming online since April 1st, officially released today) and I've come to the realization that this guy has reached true Rock Icon status. I'm probably late to the party, but I'm also likely a little more conservative with that label.

Obviously Grohl was in the ballpark of Rock Legend the minute he signed up to be 6th in Nirvana's long line of percussionists, but the fact that he's pushed himself to the point of playing in multiple bands in multiple roles, continues to go platinum in a shitty market, and consistently maintains his rock n' roll attitude (shutup - I can't think of a better name for it) makes him one of the all time greats. Street credibility is everything if you're going to last in the music industry, and Dave Grohl never lost his.

PED cocktails & dreams

2011-04-12T12:15:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I know - we've been gone for a few days and that makes you sad inside. No worries, Mila Kunis' latest hairstyle is here to help you out:

via the absolutely perfect
ChicksWithSteveBuscemeyes

They haven't photoshopped Allison Brie yet because the site would have to shut down - she's the one star that would disprove The Steve Theory (Buscemi + Hotties = Notties).

....I hope you've enjoyed your tumblr fun, because baseball just threw us a bit of a downer:

Carlos Baerga is my homie!

And so it goes - one of the most prolific and interesting hitters of the modern age has become the new spokesman for Bad Idea Jeans. Manny really blew it this time, and it's hard to understand why - all he had to do was play out his contract, have a little fun with naked Johnny, and retire, well on his way to Cooperstown and Sox Nation Sainthood.

Instead, he gave everyone a free parting shot, with no chance for an on-field rebuttal. He's been reduced to a cautionary tale - the superstar with unquestioned talent who dominated the AL for 15 years and compares favorably to Jimmie Foxx and Ted Williams, but is sure to be left out of the Hall of Fame. All because he's an idiot (and not just the 2004 kind).

As a Yankee fan, I both despise and fear Manny Ramirez. Whether he was bringing the Indians or the Red Sox to town, NY fans knew that Manny would end up with multiple hits and RBI in every box score. The guy was a rope machine - his 1999 line of .333/.442/.663 44HR, 165 RBI was terrifying, even while the one-dimensional Sosa and McGwire were grabbing all the headlines from the NL. Yes, ManRam was on steroids, but he was the most well-rounded druggie in the league.

Most notably for me, of course, is that Manny Ramirez batted .322/.413/.617 against the Yankees (an impressive split stat since it mostly consists of at-bats versus Clemens, Cone, Mussina, Pettitte, and Wells) and I hated him for it. Over the next few years Manny may be remembered by most for disgracing the game, but I'll never forget how heated that rivalry got during those 2000-2005 seasons, partly due to that dummy playing the best ball of his career.

It can be argued that the 2003 and 2004 ALCS are two of the top ten playoff series ever played, as measured by the intense, unforgettable drama that came with the height of the New York/Boston rivalry. ESPN-fueled or not, those 19-game regular season and 7-game playoff series were about as epic as they come in the history of the sport. Ramirez was an enormous contributor to those stories, filled with moments my daughter will be quite tired of hearing about by the time she's 12 years old. No matter how much I may dislike the guy, he'll forever own a significant piece of my baseball memory.

So, yeah - Manny Ramirez is a big fat cheater. He tainted what could have been an unforgettable career, sure to be featured in many future MLB Network countdown shows. Instead, his legacy will be played out over the next week (and again in 5 years - can't wait, Wilbon!) by the Colin Cowherd talking heads who will relish his slow and painful baseball death.

I can't say I'm sad to see him go, but it's a damn shame.

fighting in a fake ring

2011-04-07T22:40:00.000-04:00

I recently competed in a fantasy baseball league with a die-hard Tampa Bay (Devilish) Rays fan. All through last year we'd get on the message board almost daily, trading the usual barbs - he told me I was a bandwagon fan of the New York Free Agents, while I explored the joy of pointing out how lame Rays fans are, with their 5,000 tickets sold per game. He'd say the Yankee players were overpaid, overhyped media creations, while I let him know what I thought of his team's .437 all-time winning percentage. It would go back and forth for weeks at a time, probably annoying the other 14 grown men that enjoyed fairly mild participation.

Last season we made a public bet: if the Yankees finished ahead of Tampa in the AL East standings, I would have the privilege of changing his fantasy team's name for all of 2011 (like something along the lines of "BOO-HOO, WHERE'S CARL? FRIEDMAN = PUSSY. CC WAS THE ONLY SHRED OF TALENT GARNERING RESPECT FOR THIS BULLSHIT AAA CLUB). Conversely, if the Rays were to finish ahead of the Yanks he would earn the right to rename my team, The New World Order, to another brand of his liking.

Well, despite a 1.5 game lead going into the final week of a forgettable 2010 season, the Pinstripes blew it. Tampa finished 2010 one game ahead of New York in the division standings to win the AL East, and my team was thusly renamed "Jersey Skanks," complete with a new team photo.

apparently he lives in Jersey?
I didn't get it, either

I would have preferred to be called "The Skankin' Pickles" of course, but I took my loss like a man and changed both my title and photo identification for all to see. I've kept this going for the first week of the 2011 season, and do intend to maintain my gentlemen's honor until November arrives. I have a fine group of young studs on the squad, and I don't think the name will have any bearing on the outcome of this season's playoffs.

However, what I haven't told you - and this is the real kicker in the story - is my nemesis is no longer even in the league (exclamation point). THAT'S RIGHT - HE'S A FANTASY QUITTIN' PUNK! He dropped out after losing in the championship match of the league playoffs, shortly after writing a message board essay on how the rules of the league, combined with real player injury, somehow managed to screw him out of the trophy he deserved.

Why did he run away, though? His reasoning was along the lines of, "I'm too good at this game to participate in your league, all you posers can suck my dust while I'm gone."

Dick.

How could he do that to me? I just lost the bet, changed my identity, and had already started hatching a plan to whoop his sorry Garza-Gobbling tail when the new season arrived. Instead he blocks my revenge by QUITTING?

I was angry. I was frustrated. Mostly, I was annoyed that I agreed to keep such an awful name when there are so many better options on the table (especially in the peak years of Sheen, Allison Brie's Cleavage, and Merkle's Boner). The denial of revenge is as bad as it gets in fake sports - the entire season is built on trash talk and rivalries - without someone to hate I have very little incentive in winning the season. This guy went and broke the ultimate unwritten rule of fantasy sports, Woody Style, and left a league that wanted him back.

Thankfully, as you're probably aware, it seems karma is on my side - the Tampa Bay Rays currently sit in last place of the division, sporting an unsightly record of zero wins and six losses. Their Yankee-like strategy of signing old free agents in the middle of their decline has kicked them in the ass, and they simply do not have the talent to keep up with the likes of the GREAT NEW YORK JETERIANS.

It seems to me that ROCK - yeah, that's what this guy calls himself - is being punished. Cursed, even. My guess is that his (real life) boys won't have any opportunity at being a contender until he gets his sorry butt back into the league, and faces the Here Go Hell Come music that is THE JERSEY SKANKS! Come back and take your beating, Rock, or suffer the worst real season of your life!

Suck it, loser - I hope your boys go 0-162.

IN BUCK WE TRUST

2011-04-05T18:30:00.005-04:00

This was the image that greeted Orioles fans as we made our way to Camden Yards yesterday afternoon for the home opener against the Detroit Tigers. As if sweeping our opening series against the D-Rays wasn't enough to make us a little more hopeful than usual, seeing Buck Showalter shoving his digit straight into the soul of a city as if to say - "Stop crying about another losing season, and let's get to work!" - this set the tone for an amazing day.

Eric remarked in his last baseball post about the anticlimax he inevitably experiences when opening day arrives to the baseball season. This is what I imagine a true Yankees fan experiences - a fan of a team that is accustomed to competing deep into September and October. I wonder what this must feel like. Having suffered losing seasons with the Orioles since 1997, I can't help but feel the complete opposite. Opening day is it! It is the time for prayer and possibility and hope. It is a time when everyone starts off on equal footing. It is a time when one fools oneself into thinking - maybe Garrett Atkins will have his best season ever, thus making him a cost-saving acquisition in the offseason (This incidentally was the delusion of grandeur that stormed my fancy last year. Atkins was a bust. I don't even thinking he's playing anymore).

The opening day lineup for the O's last year also featured such winners as Cesar Izturis and an aging Miguel Tejada, not to mention our "ace" - Kevin (keep your hat on to cover your comb-over) Millwood. The 2010 opening week also featured three blown saves from another "new" acquisition Michael Gonzalez.

This year was a different story. Thanks to Buck, a reenergized franchise took the field yesterday in front of a sold-out stadium. The game featured a three-run homer from Brian Roberts and another solid pitching performance from a young Orioles starter - this time Jake Arrieta. Also, in a week of cold temperatures and rainy, overcast afternoons - the gametime temp. was 85 degrees with sunny skies - Is there anything Buck can't control? Okay, it's April 5th, and yet maybe J.J. Hardy will avoid the Garrett Atkins curse. You know things are bad when I'd settle for .500 season, but there it is.

53-41

2011-04-04T23:36:00.005-04:00

Woof. That was ugly.

Seriously, Dogs? 12 for 64?! TWELVE BASKETS IN FORTY MINUTES? What year is this, 1915?

Coach said my 8% shooting probably
didn't help

That's a truly shameful performance, and certainly not indicative of the five games you already played this tournament. I know those trees masquerading as Huskies are big, but there's no excuse for that many missed layups.

The worst of it is that you made the iBoggs look silly. DAMMIT - that's the second to last time I pick with my heart.

Congrats to UConn for a crazy run through the tournaments - definitely the greatest 11-game run I have ever seen (and I actually watched all 11.. probably the first time for a non-Cuse team). It was the UGLIEST damn block o' wood championship game of all time, but whatever - a win is a win.

Well done - now give SU that share of the conference money!

...it's back to the diamond, boys!

It's time to kiss a dog

2011-04-04T16:50:00.004-04:00

Matt Stockmann recently told me I am "obsessed with college basketball."

Well you can relax now, youngster, because this ride is about to be over. It's the Bulldogs versus the Huskies tonight, and only one litter can take home the coveted block of wood (there's also one of these, of course).

March Madness is worth $770 million per year..
naturally, their trophy looks like Chester just cut it in shop class.

The storylines here are extensive, most notably Butler's experience helping them to back to back appearances in the championship game. They've accomplished this rare feat despite a general lack of size, speed, and talent when compared with most opponents.

Butler wins by stressing ball control, defense, hairstyles, and intelligent clock management. They frown upon Big Basketball's pursuit of Allen Iverson isolation plays and Sherman Douglas alley-oops. I've said it before, and will think it all night long tonight - Brad Stevens is the best coach on the planet right now. Being a Butler fan is a rewarding role to play these days.

Connecticut, on the other hand, is a big-conference program coached by a hall of fame cheater, currently serving a 2-year self-imposed probation for recruiting violations and due for further NCAA-enforced discipline next season. They used to shave points and let AJ Price steal laptops. Yep that's right - unlike other big time programs, UConn is full of cheaters (while Butler only employs saints - yeesh).

If I didn't know better, I'd think Vince McMahon was promoting this contest.

Of course, UConn is more than just ethically challenged - the Huskies are playing the best basketball in the country, having found a way use more than one scoring option. It seems the Big East Championship was just a precursor to what would come next, and fans of the conference should be thrilled, especially considering the regular on-air insults from Sir Chucksteak.

As you know (because you're mind is like a steel trap) I've sung the "Kemba and Lamb Forever" tune for the last couple weeks, mostly as underdogs. Today, however, it seems the odds-making tables have turned - UConn is the Goliath, although they might only be the newest version of the team Stevens has built a career on slaying.

can't get enough of your love, Brad

My brain (3 times the size of Krissy's) says that UConn is the pick tonight, simply because they have too much firepower for any defense and they're just clicking at the right time. My heart, of course, belongs to the fundamentally-sound hustle of Mack, Howard, and Vanzant.

So, who do I choose? The power of the iBoggs should not be underestimated - we have made greater empires out of lesser teams in the past. My pick today could very well be the deciding voice, the one great prophecy that either dooms or saves you, depending on where you already put your money (Eddie).

Talking it out, this is how I see it going down:

Brad Stevens, king of kings, has spent more than enough time game-planning for the best guard in the country. I think I'm confident he will figure out a way to slow down Kemba just enough to allow Butler a chance to steal the game. What I cannot be sure of is that he's ALSO managed to map out how to stop a small forward who shoots 60% from anywhere on the court. Jeremy Lamb, you might be the deciding factor tonight.

Rip Hamilton 2.0

Then, I have to take into account the dominant interior play of Oriakhi and Okwandu, who Butler probably can't beat on the glass. Is it possible for guts guy Matt Howard to snag enough rebounds to change the flow of this contest? I really can't be sure - after all, how do you really measure heart, Ma-Ti?

All the paper adds up on one side of the scale, and it's tipping pretty heavily towards Husky. I've even said it myself in the past - the little guy, full of defense and dreams, really has no chance to win this tournament. If I were to take my own overheated analysis I'd be picking UConn by 12.

--------------------------------------------------------

The iBoggs, of course, is a proud flip flopper. This website cares not for overwhelming statistical evidence, unless it happens to support our own argument. Tonight, guts equal glory and fundamentals finish first. Most of all, e.boye's man-love for Brad Stevens will be enough to thrust him forcefully onto the golden throne of victory!

Much like Rollie Massimino, we freeball it around here, and we are picking the BUTLER BULLDOGS as your 2011 National Champions, by way of 67-64.

Enjoy that on-court celebration, Matt Stockmann, because it's going to be the (2nd) most exciting display of NCAA whittled wood you have ever seen.

If CAKE was a baseball player...

2011-04-03T17:04:00.004-04:00

I was driving to Wegmans Saturday morning, as I do every week for my weekly dose of upstate NY. This is roughly a 20 minute drive for me from Catonsville, MD, to Hunt Valley, MD - a rich suburb a few miles north of Baltimore. Being the aging faux hipster that I am, I had my radio dial set to the Towson College radio station listening for some new or "old-new" musical gem, which I might later look up and download and brag to people about having "discovered."

And you may be reading this and thinking - Chris, honestly, you drive 20 minutes out of your way to go to Wegmans? And this would be a common conviction uttered from the feeble, ACC-infested minds of Marylandites who are ignorant of the magical powers of Wegmans. But for the typical Boggsian reader (...what do you guys call yourselves?) you're more likely thinking - Chris, surely, how many groups, songs, whatever have you "discovered" on your so-called pilgrimages? One, two at most?

Off the top of my head, here's a short list of few gems:

1. k.d. lang's "Coming Home" -she has in my opinion, one of the most beautiful voices in the world.

2. anything by Brandi Carlile - she made a small splash on VH1 a few years ago. Amazing live performer.

3. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble - "War" - Think Bill Conti Rocky music - but cooler.

4. Dr. Dog - "Hang On" - Think The Band but less cool.

5. The Byrds - "Old John Robertson" - one of my favorite cheesy bands from the 60s (second only to The Monkees).

Random? Yes. But the point of this post was to let you in on something you may have already known, but which I just recently "discovered" and thought I might share....

The band Cake is really good. Not amazing. But solid. If Cake was a baseball player, their stats for last year would look something like this: 2010 - AB - 559, AVG - .304, R - 78, HR - 12, RBI -90, SB - 8 Not bad, not great, but a great mid-round sleeper pick for your fantasy team. The thing is - they've been posting these numbers for years. And I feel guilty acknowledging the fact that they have played in the greater Bmore-DC area numerous times over the past five years and I have yet to see them live, but there it is. Is it their lack of HR potential? Not sure.

So anyway, I was in my car yesterday, turned on the radio, and lo and behold, I caught the final 20 seconds of a track - an amazing groove - I immediately thought to myself - I must check this out - I couldn't for the life of me place the group or the song. Had I "discovered" something amazing? Well, wouldn't you know it? Good 'ol dependable Cake has a new album, and I can't tell you how good it is, I can't tell you how good the song I heard is either. But the final 20 seconds are something to behold... with your ears. Enjoy.

clip clip

2011-04-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

Jimmy Fallon is just killing it this year. Friday was a good day.

Well done, sirs - a fine exclamation point to finally finish the Rebecca Black fascination.

...and don't forget

YEAH!

The first day of a long year

2011-03-31T19:27:00.000-04:00

You know what the real Game of Inches is?

Chess.

Opening Day is upon us, and as usual, it comes with an awful lot of HYPE and HOPE, but minimal payoff. Today's Yankee/Tigers game was good for the NY fans - Granderson beat a lefty, Teixeira could be avoiding his early-season slump, (yeah, right) the bullpen was perfect as promised, but I still come away unsatisfied. I didn't really care they won, because it's really no big deal.

This happens every year - I get excited for MLB opening day, only to be let down once the games commence. Why, you may ask yourself? Well, because there's still another 161 to go, you beautiful sexy blog reader. I'm not in the mood right now for a long, drawn out, complicated season - what I want right now is one-game do-or-die playoff scenarios.

sigh.

I've been conditioned for the last 4 weeks to only appreciate tournament sports, and a 1-0 record to start the baseball season in 43 degree weather just isn't all that great. I'm even not all that excited for my week in Fantasy Baseball, despite having the most unbeatable collection of talent ever witnessed, because I have another 24 weeks to relish my calculated dominance.

Anyway - good for you, Fat Joba - but the fix I need comes in the form of Brad Stevens, Shaka Smart, and seniors crying on the bench. When was the last time you saw someone crying in baseball? YeahThatsRight.

Don't worry, MLB - I still love you. ...Just not 'til Tuesday.

I bet you thought I was going to run "Voices Carry." You just got Boggsed.

Winning?

2011-03-26T19:38:00.001-04:00

Alright, Scoop, here's the situation:

You're playing the Butler Bulldogs for a chance to advance to the Final Four. The game is in overtime. By a stroke of good fortune, your team has the ball down just one point, with no shot clock on the board. There are 29.3 seconds left to play, and this will probably be your final possession. Your championship-winning coach, using his game-awareness and sound coaching strategy, calls timeout to set the play that can win the game.

After the timeout, the ball is inbounded and you have it in your hands. What do you do?

HAHA! OOOOH YEAH THAT'S HOT! Sh*t, I got the ball? I bet there are two 6'8" forwards in my face denying a dribble drive?

JACK THAT THREE, BROTHER! OOOH YEAH THAT'S HOT!

- Really?

YOU KNOW IT, SCOOP!

Coach knows we aren't winning unless I'm the one to take the shot - that's MY WIN NOW! GUS JOHNSON IS GONNA LOVE THIS - "BOYNTOOOONNN - GOT IT!!"

- Alright, well I guess I can see your perspective guys. A made 3-pointer would put you up 2 points with a very good chance to win, especially since you're running the clock down before you shoot. Really, that's not a completely terrible idea.

RUN CLOCK? WHAAAT? Shoot, I'll make it rain no matter the time - why wait?

20 SECONDS LOOKS GOOD TO ME!

HAHA! OooOoOOHH YEAH THAT'S HOT!

Hey, Matt - what do you think?

Um, well - you said Coach gave us a play during the timeout, right? I suppose I'd run the play - if something goes wrong, I'll crash the boards and see if I can get a tip-in at the last second.

Who knows, though - these guys seem pretty sure of themselves.

....OH. YEAH. THAT'S HOT.

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold

2011-03-26T12:09:00.005-04:00

I just copied this from my office pool entry.

Hey now!

There are four days left in the NCAA Men's Basketball season. I guess time flies when you're busy wondering what may have been if Jimmer Fredette was on your team instead of Scoop Jardine.

Mike Waters makes an interesting point regarding Jimmer - although his work shows the Glens Falls Golden Boy wouldn't technically be a huge improvement for the Cuse on paper, I think every Orange fan would prefer to see Jimmer's jaw running the offense instead of the Pooper.

Sure, Fredette's 1-year percentages on a team with one scoring option are about equal to those of a few select performances by other SU point guards - congrats on the top-notch research, big guy. No matter how you slice it, though, there is no reasonable argument to be made that Poops is a better or equal player.

The entire idea is nonsense. I don't buy it, Mr. Waters - I think you're just trying to avoid being hate-quoted by the HOF'er in next year's pre-season press conferences.

On to this weekend's games:

As the great Hodge pointed out, I was somewhat correct in my prediction for the UConn/San Diego State game - Kemba did dominate, UConn did win, but SDSU ended up proving themselves a worthy opponent and not likely to get blown out by anyone. Not a title contender, mind you, but a pretty solid ballclub.

The rest of the games didn't interest me as much, although I really enjoyed watching Butler take down the Wisconsin Bruesewitzes. Brad Stevens may have severely out-coached Boeheim in the tournament last year, (Mike, I'm OK with the hate quotes even if you're not) which means every single page commenter on Syracuse.com has intense blood raging hatred for the Bulldogs, but I happen to like the little guy.

YeahThatsRight - iBoggs time machine.
what.

Stevens is analytical, he effectively game-plans for every opponent's weaknesses, and his guys play a solid slow-down, fundamentally focused style. They force teams with better athletes to think more about their play instead of just beating Butler on sheer talent. Once you get dumber players thinking, they'll stop crushing you with athleticism.

At their core, Butler is a smart team - a trait that has been severely lacking in the 2011 tournament and something that has suddenly become refreshing to watch. Aside from Sheldon Mack's foul at the end of the Pitt game, last season's runner-up has played about as intelligently as anyone else in the field.

I like Butler to beat Florida today, in a great game of contrasting styles. Afterwards, I also like Chandler Parsons and Matt Howard to hit the barbershop together. Seriously, guys - are you really getting chicks with all those flyaways? Krissy thinks not.

which guy do you like better?
...yeah, me too

The other game today tips at 7:05pm, and I'll be very quick about it - UConn wins, 81-77.

Duke failed to attack Arizona inside, and they paid dearly. Derrick Williams is an Altered Beast, but it won't be so easy breaking down the Husky interior defense. Look for Oriakhi and Okwandu to double up the big man, and witness Kemba break it down, Bobby Brown style, to take control. Too hot to handle, 25/5/5, on his way to MOP - I said he's in control. Ya Ya Ya Know it.

Doe....Raayyyy.....Egonnnn!

Kemba loves my links

2011-03-24T16:47:00.008-04:00

If there's anything that approaches the joy I could have experienced watching Syracuse/UNC in the Sweet Sixteen tomorrow night, it is witnessing the epic beatdown UConn is about to administer to the San Diego State Aztecs at 7:00pm EST this evening.

I used to think it would be a lot harder to take down The Predator

I'm supposed to be a Husky Hater by birthright, but I cannot bring myself to be anti-Kemba when my status of Always Being Right is on the line. If UConn somehow blows this opportunity to meet Duke, it means I was wrong when I made an emphatic statement against the viability of SDSU being labeled a title contender.

An Asstec win tonight means my internal sports compass needs a complete overhaul, only I'm not prepared to pay out the rump for Driver's Village to do that kind of work tomorrow. Such a victory also means another two days of listening to Jalen Rose accusing a HOF'er of organized racism. I must be correct.

encouraging illegal payments to scholarship players
is obviously more ethical than recruiting people of good character

Of course I won't be wrong - tonight's prediction? Pain. Walker goes 24/8/8, Oriakhi dominates the glass, Jeremy Lamb announces himself as the nation's best 2012 Sophomore, and Gary McGhee re-breaks his ankles during a tantrum back home. End result: Steve Fisher sent home wishing he never learned the name Ed Martin.

Jim Calhoun, meanwhile, takes to the microphone in the post-game to defend his multi-million dollar salary and accept the 2011 Cheney Lifetime Achievement award for Cantankerous Coaching. All in all, UConn 76, SDSU 61. BOOM.

Now it's time for the obligatory weekly blogger link list:

- Ken Pomeroy analyzes late-game decisions made by tourney coaches: KenPomBlog (I've been making this same argument for years - thanks, Ken!)

- Best Wrestling Pen Pal Post of All Time? Best Wrestling Pen Pal Post of All Time: WithLeather

- Captain America is the new Schmitt's Gay: FilmDrunk

- Pooper Scooper took offense to fans noticing how terrible he is: Axeman Blog

- Brandon Stroud's Best and Worst of WWE Raw has relocated: WithLeather (again)

- Quick piece on one of the best shows on TV, Parks & Recreation: NYMag.com

- Bourbon of the Week (maybe of all time): Booker's ...oh, how it gets me excited.

Enjoy the Sweet Sixteen, kids - grab yourself a Duncan, slap that butt on the sofa, and don't forget to bet all your Fast Eddie money on UConn! UConn! UConn!

Now batting for the iBoggs...

2011-03-23T20:07:00.009-04:00

One of the great Yankee fans, (and Yogi Berra hater) Uncle Pete, has agreed to get us in the mood for baseball today - opening day is just a week away but I haven't thought much of the sport outside of performing exceptionally well in two fantasy drafts (HueyLewis&TheKazoos is looking quite ripe for a Cusetown Ballers Championship this year - I'm lookin' at you, Lyle Cohen).

The Pooper Scooper has held most of my attention for the last few weeks, and I just haven't had the time to do much MLB contemplation. As always, however, Big Pete is right there to get me back on track.

Today his method of reminding us just how memorable the boys of summer can be comes in the form of a nearly 30 year-old story with the main roles played by Yankee Stadium and the (other) great love of Pete's life, my Aunt Chris. Pleased to enjoy:

A MEMORABLE PLAY

by Big Pete Reilly, Contributing Writer
Back in 1982, Chris and I took in a Broadway play and a ballgame- in one evening!

On our way home from the theatre we were listening to the Scooter doing the Mariners-Yanks game, which was in the eleventh. I silently imagined the possibilities as we motored north on the Henry until Chris said "Peter, if you think we can get into The Stadium, it's okay with me." It's no wonder I married her three years later.

I made a bum turn and we found ourselves on the GWB towards Jersey. No worries; a quick yooee over the Hudson took care of that. Top twelve. We passed a burning car near Coogan's Bluff. Nothing could stop us. Bottom of the twelfth. At last we found the 155th Street Bridge, crossed the Harlem River and flew down to Babe Ruth Plaza - but where to park?

the only place to park in '82 if you wanted to be the first to I-95

One out. First and third. Down one. Winfield at the plate! Recalling lessons learned as a lad watching "Pride of the Yankees", I said to myself "Officer, I'm Lou Gehrig and I'm late for the game" and put the car on the sidewalk alongside the left field entrance. I courteously ran at less than full speed to the gate in respect for my date, who was in heels.

We hustle past a nodding redcap, through the portal, and emerge behind the stands at the foul pole. Here's the pitch- Winfield slams it back up the middle! Julio Cruz dives behind second - in a cloud he has it on a hop - flips it up to Todd Cruz coming across for one - over to Bochte - One pitch and the game is over!

Another U-turn and we establish the standard for beating the crowd as we jump into the car and head off to the Deegan.

I'm not sure which show we saw - it was "A Chorus Line" or "42nd Street" - but I'll never forget that play.

The box score:

Seattle 6, New York 5

i'm just a boy.

2011-03-23T02:34:00.003-04:00

ride my wheels.

Wanted: effective distributor, starting immediately

2011-03-21T12:31:00.003-04:00

Syracuse basketball had a bad night. The 66-62 loss to Marquette yesterday in the NCAA Round of 32 revealed all the greatest weaknesses of the 2010-11 version of Boeheim's boys, and it honestly did not seem too hard for Marquette to exploit them.

I'm sure the good people over at Syracuse.com will give you all the newsworthy observations and analysis on the game that you're beautiful butt desires. The iBoggs, of course, is here for an entirely different emotionally-inspired purpose: to rant about what must change in order for this to never happen again.

OhYeahThatsRight. Or, should I say, OooooOoOOo yeah that's hot?

i see no need for a real caption here

I'm assuming you all watched the game I'm referring to, and witnessed how the Golden Eagles of Marquette (as I feared) out-hustled, out-executed, and generally outhoused the Orange tonight. The scrappy Jae Crowder crew were consistently getting up and down the court more quickly than Syracuse, forcing bad shots on one end and converting easy ones on the other. Syracuse's players, especially it's leaders, seemed flustered throughout the contest and made mistakes at the most inopportune moments.

If you're like me, you happened to notice that at the center of most of these failed plays was the Pooper Scooper. My man was shoveling as much crap as he could tonight, especially during that brutal error-filled final minute. It seemed the supposed leader of the team, our coach-appointed starting point guard, was the least aware of what needed to be done in order for SU to win the game.

Again, go to Syracuse.com if you want to relive the exact details.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that we need a fresh start. It's time for a campaign, iBlogsians, to place a new leader at the helm. I believe if we can begin anew with a more consistent captain piloting this orange vessel, we can conquer the choppy seas of the Big East. Yes We Can.

I believe that if we have a NEW MAN distributing not only points but spreading intelligence amongst his peers, we can cheer our favorite team as they advance beyond the sweet field of sixteen. Yes We Can.

I believe this man will understand the responsibility that comes with his opportunity - I personally guarantee he will even prioritize his ball handling and shot selection over his hourly Tweeting!

Syracuse fans, we can make this change! We must band together and be decisive in our efforts to ensure the days of national backcourt embarrassments are behind us! Let us find a new man to bring us to victory - a confident leader who is prime for the job, right here, right now. Yes we can make a choice to win, and he IS the right choice for our future (exclamation point).

alley-oops, not poops

tonight, tonight

2011-03-18T22:33:00.005-04:00

I was considering live-blogging all the action of this game, but a 10:32pm start means SU is running game during my prime drinking (and therefore my peak regrettable typing) hours. I dare not expose the general public to the words that tend to float once the 10:30 bell chimes. I save that stuff for text messages to jtb. Congrats, buddy - I know you love it.

Instead, I leave you with a few thoughts:

1) After watching UNC tonight, they do not scare me one bit. Harrison Barnes is just an overrated CJ Fair, and those Tarheels look rather pedestrian around the 3-point arc.

2) Unfortunately, the Cuse may struggle to find the Sweet Sixteen - I purposely picked Xavier to beat Marquette in my bracket, simply to avoid a rematch with the Golden Eagles. Those guys dismantled the zone last time, and I do not look forward to another encounter on Sunday.

Screw you, selection committee - was it REALLY that hard to swap Marquette in the east for Utah State from the southeast? Sometimes it's the idiots that bother me the most.

3) Today's games may not have been nearly as exciting as those from yesterday afternoon, but I did get a jolt of joy from watching Jay Wright's suit get a little less shiny. Holy crap, Villanova just blew an entire season of work over the course of 3 weeks. Epic.

4) Gus Johnson is calling the game. Shit and Yes. Get ready for some big time excitement: "SCOOOP JARDIIINNNE - - - NO GOOD! OH, WHAT A GUTSY 3 POINT AIRBALL FROM THE SYRACUSE GUARD! HARD NIPPLES! BASKETBAALLLS!!"

Finally, I leave you with this - may we be so lucky again in our lifetimes:

does this remind me of running down Marshall Street with JohnBarrett
and Cobber88? Heck yes it does. Long live the 81-78!

Get ready for some words, Justin, because there's an Orange game on the TV and I have an awful lot of gin.

killing time, waiting for my game to start

2011-03-18T18:07:00.000-04:00

Krissy has a thing for Jimmy Fallon.

Me too.

A drop of east region optimism goes a long way

2011-03-18T15:21:00.003-04:00

GAMEDAY!

Are you stoked? Are you psyched, brother? You should be, because the Syracuse Orange open their NCAA Tournament tonight, versus the super Sycamores of Indiana State. WOOOO!

yep - Cuse fan.

It should be a fun, relaxing game for Cuse fans to watch, as we're all expecting a proper thrashing of the young shooters out of Terre Haute. This is a 20-13 team out of the Missouri Valley Conference, possessing one of the shortest, (112th in NCAA) least experienced, (211th) offensively inept (180th effective FG%) programs in the country (yes, all those links go to the same page - study that stuff, son).

There's a reason none of the ESPN crew mentioned Indiana State as a possible upset special - every indicator points to a severe blowout. Even the producers at CBS feel this way, as their schedule makes it the last game of the round. Tipoff will probably come after 10pm EST, meaning the ratings projection for this game are fairly poor.

Unsurprisingly, the Sycamores already seem resigned to the loss - they apparently believe their practice squad cannot replicate the SU 2-3 Zone without adding a 6th player and a broomstick to their game prep. If these guys think Syracuse's defense is akin to being guarded by 6 grown men swinging clubs at their heads, I'm thinking they've beaten themselves before the game even begins.

Conan's Zone Defense - Sycamores be scared.

I should know - I'm an excellent doctor.

So, we should look for signs tonight that the Orange can make a push in this bracket beyond ISU. The good omens to demonstrate this would be KrisJo scoring, Triche being prudently aggressive, Ricky getting the damn ball and, most importantly, Scoop remembering he is not named Jonny Flynn.

Everyone reading this knows that Al Jardine is the most frustrating player on this team. At the same time, however, his mates need him. He's the only true point guard on the roster outside of Brandon Reese, and it's ultimately up to him to determine just how well they play in the coming days. The offense is stagnant without our favorite redshirt Junior, whether you like it or not, and he must be on the floor if they're going to score against these defenses.

Boeheim's boys need Scoop to play well if they have any hope of advancing past UNC (and then the game of his career to beat OSU). Put aside your grievances, Cuse fans - I know the man seems to punctuate losses with terrible decisions at the worst possible moment, but they'll only make a run is if he gets his act together. It's time to rally for Scoop and hope he does a great job, because they're done without him.

This is not the love I know

2011-03-18T09:27:00.003-04:00

you have got to be kidding me.

I'm not a follower of Van Halen - it would be fraudulent to claim I'm a fan of anything outside of "Panama" - but I have to imagine that even the most loyal scissor-kicking Eddie worshiper must admit the 1986 Hagar-era "Why Can't This Be Love" is not only a weak effort from the band itself, but entirely detrimental to the overall advancement of the human race.

I realize most everything done by the band throughout that period sounds about the same - Michael Anthony and Alex Van Halen seem to provide the same driving rhythm in every single tune - but this song is so far past what should be considered acceptable rock music that I am compelled to complain about it today.

Good god. My apologies, everyone - I hope you poor iBoggsians didn't sit through the whole thing.

Clearly, there are a few items I must address here:

Sammy, you're not worthy of the Emphatic Joyful "WOOO!" Shout - an exclamation we treasure as sacred around these parts - and I'd be appreciative if you didn't screech your sorry version into my speakers simply to punctuate the end to Eddie's 247 keyboard taps of the only 8 notes in this song. Your cheese-filled bubble gum yelp produces the opposite of fun, and I am filing a motion to have it removed from the song.

Secondly, you deserve punishment for writing any of these sap-crusted Twilight-worthy lyrics, but there has to be special action taken to properly deal with the line "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time." Do you have any idea how much this pathetic bullshit pains me?

The redundancy and pointlessness of that verse-filler sentence empowers me to declare all copies of the recording, along with anything purchased with its royalties, to be incinerated in the iBoggs' Eternal Inferno for Sinful Deeds That Can Never Be Undone. When you watch your tequila factory burn to the ground, pork chop, know it was your fault. (jtb - I told you the $18,000/year bill for eternal flame technology would come in handy - you can thank me now.)

Finally - WHAT THE FUCK is the deal with your ridiculous "scatting" through the solo to the final chorus? Are you kidding me, kobe steak? You were supposed to be selling yourself as an international ROCK SENSATION, not some hobo stringing noises together as you try to keep up with the guy playing real instruments on the subway platform.

Your "performance" over those 17 seconds of pure stuttering vocal abortion is easily enough to revoke any minimal Man Status you had before I heard this goddamn song today. BUH DOO, BUH DOO, BUUUHH DOO DOO DOO!

Jerk. You are a complete waste of radio time - keep avoiding that 55, dickbag.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. - Eddie - kiss my ass. Your not escaping blame here, bucko. I don't buy your oversell of catchy repetitive keyboard necktie riffing mixed with the aforementioned scat-accompanied soloing - there is no amount of gold-standard guitar work that can cover this pile of shit.

I blame you for not firing this rock heathen as soon as he laid down the first track. SHAME ON YOU, sir, for taking advantage of your fans to the point of convincing them this kind of tripe is forgivable simply because it has your name on it. BITE IT.

...it's a good thing I'm not a Van Halen fan.

Newest acquisition - check it!

2011-03-17T18:57:00.006-04:00

I purchased mine on McSweeneys.net. Hoping it will be a series, and then again, it's too perfect to replicate.

HOW TO BEARD YOURSELF LIKE BRIAN WILSON

Easy Parts

1. Be someone who can grow a beard.

2. Grow a beard.

(Hilarity ensues...)

Everyone Loves Morehead State

2011-03-17T13:56:00.002-04:00

The one true tradition I've had over the last 8 years or so - considering our holiday plans tend to be inconsistent and habitually last-minute - is that I allow myself to take e.boye-only vacation days that create the same four day weekend, every single year. In our house, we simply refer to this beautiful celebration as The First Round (cram it up your cram hole, NCAA - the games don't start until Thursday. Dicks.).

These four days of butt-clenching basketball fun are the perfect excuse to sit on the couch and drink to the everlasting joy of guiltless passivity. Throw in an extra 48 sports bets as a bonus, and you have my very own Wet Dreams May Come.

Though I never really imagined this serene bliss could get much better, especially once CBS began streaming every game online, this year signifies the top of the mountain.

Biggity Bam.

...I knew we kept those old TVs for a reason.

Hernan Cortes & the NCAA Tournament

2011-03-17T09:44:00.004-04:00

Last night I learned that my wife, having completed her office pool, picked the San Diego State Aztecs to reach the 2011 NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship game. Not because they have a sexy mascot or special colors on their jersey - that's not her style - but because she (reasonably) has them beating a gassed-out UConn in the Sweet Sixteen and figured she didn't want to push Duke into the Final Four.

SDSU is a #2 seed with a gaudy 32-3 record, potentially playing just 100 miles from home in the West Regional Final, when the bracket's Final Four representative will be determined. They're known for an exceptional defense, balanced offense, experience, and a coach who knows how to get there.

Coach Fisher, keeping his players from falling in a hole.

San Diego State University is, by all logical analysis, a high quality, well-informed choice for the NCAA National Semifinals this season. If I were smart, I'd even consider following Krissy's lead and cashing in while Steve Fisher's Mountain West bunch pile up the wins.

I'm not smart.

Generally speaking, my rage towards those ~~tiny bullshit wannabe Gonzagas~~ mid-major programs holds no boundaries. I cannot stand it when sports heads get on my TV, grabbing their Hi-Liters and yapping about how strong the most recent contender from the tiniest town in the longest-named conference can be, "if they play D and hit the 3" throughout the tournament. Fuck.That.Noise. Those teams suck, and every self-respecting fan knows it.

If a middle of the pack Real Conference team, such as St. John's, played in the Mountain West they would run up 30 no-contest regular season wins, too. The Johnnies would still be the same team, with the same primordial dwarves pretending they own The Garden, but they'd suddenly be an ESPN Super Mid-Major to Watch after pounding Mormons all season. Of course that would lead to a #2 seed, and Krissy picking the Red Storm to win it all.

It's nonsense. We all know St. John's won't win the championship - therefore, San Diego State blows.

Because I know this, I always put significant weight on strength of schedule when filling out my brackets. I'd never even consider putting the likes of never-tested SDSU into the Final Four, simply because they'd have to run a gauntlet of traditional powers to get there. If SDSU meets Duke or Texas (which they won't) this is exactly how it will play out:

Little guys get body slam beatdowns. That's just life.

Am I right, Jameer Nelson? Remember when this happened to you, Stephen Curry? How about you, Ryan Wittman - it's time to get on this bandwagon to being right, buddy!

As Jim Larranaga always says, if you haven't played a Big 6 schedule, you have no business getting into the tournament.

WE'RE BACK (exclamation point)

2011-03-16T20:04:00.003-04:00

Alright kiddos and kiddettes - it's time to cue up Also Sprach Zarathustra because the day has come: the iBoggs' stream of nonsense has returned! We're older, slower, smarter, and newly enhanced with special secret 1-herb spicy flavor - back the hell up, Juvenile, because this comeback is too big for your rumbleseat.

First, I must apologize - I know you've all been checking the site multiple times per day, everyday for the last 2+ years, hoping against hope that you could click your way to Boggs' triumphant return. Your heartbreak through these difficult times has been immense and unbearable, and we both sincerely ~~believe you're crazy to be so obsessed with this piece of crap~~ feel although we can never fully repay this deep emotional debt, you can now look to the future with hopeful eyes.

Anyways - those dark days are now over. The Invisible Boggs is open for business, and working hard to make your dreams come true. As always, we appreciate your loyalty, and would like to send you our most sincere Ric Flair WOOOOOO!

the skinny days of eboye... a little too chubbed out for

that shot today

We'll be talking sports as usual throughout the comeback tour, but are hoping to include more frequent pop and unpop culture discussions, along with the occasional uninformed opinion of the world around us. Expect an unusual number of references to Unskinny Bop, regular breakdowns of Futuristic Dragon, and frequent page view fishing in the form of Allison Brie galleries. Hopefully our words can make your days and nights a little lighter, as we progress ever closer to the day when the Watson-run Skynet drops a hail of nukes on our overinflated heads.

Rock the iBoggs on a regular basis, and tell your buddy House to do the same.