The Invisible Tour Guide is a podcast from world famous art historian and clever clogs, Professor Byron Frump. This ten part series will take you on an unofficial tour of some of Ireland’s finest museums, gallerias and historic monuments. Let Professor Frump be your free and discrete guide to the unseen Ireland, as you explore together our great nations epic and distinguished history.

Each show includes a note as to where to begin. Simply download the episode you are interested in – either directly from this site, or from iTunes (coming soon!), then head to where the tour starts, and hit play on your MP3 player, to begin your exclusive private tour.

In the unfortunate event that you have become separated from this great isle by distance, don’t let that dissuade you. Professor Frump has sampled the ambiance of each unique location, recording his tour right where you’ll be. So The Invisible Tour Guide can be enjoyed from home or the road, with almost equal pleasure.

Professor Frump Biography

Professor Byron Chaffinch Frump, OBE, MBA, PHD, MBE, became Lord of Cotton Wolf on Surrey at 5.15am on July 11th 1964. Born into a life of almost unimaginable privilege, Frump was none the less gifted with the common touch. As a child, he learnt of the harsh conditions faced by the lesser orders through his family’s beloved servants. As a young and talented Fulbright scholar, Lord Frump made it his mission to ensure that no matter how malnourished, downtrodden and physically unappealing the great unwashed became, they would always have access to excellent cultural television programming.

Byron was educated at HP Sauce college, Oxbridge, attaining the first quadruple first in the universities history. Not satisfied with his primary degrees in Classical Archaeology and Ancient History; M-Theory; Psychology, Philosophy and Physiology; and Ephebe Studies: Byron continued on to a taught double PHD (teaching himself), in Profit Maximisation and Transmedia Exploitation at Brass Neck college.

Professor Frump disclaimed his hereditary peerage in 1988 when he served under Clement Weather, as conservative minister for Arts and Culture. His public service continues today, as Chief Scrubarubba for Milton Keens University (since 1980), Prime Grammar Wrangler for the Campaign for Proper English (since 1992) and High Willow the Wisp of the Countryside Alliance (since 2000). He his been a fellow of St Tumnus College, Pinhead since 1999.

A prolific author, Byron Frump has published over fifty books, including a six volume autobiography detailing his adventures in the colonies, as huntsmaster for Tiffling Pillow on Sea, and as the last Governor General of Gibraltar.

As a young man, Lord Frump pioneered the practice of providing free copies of his many books and periodicals to the poor. On his own vast and beautiful estates in Cheshire, and in his beloved Wicklow mountains, Professor Frump continues to offer troubled boys a promising career as grounds keepers and beaters. Professor Frump is also chief patron of his Grand Tour Foundation, which recreates – for select young people of talent and breeding – the thrilling educative experience of an imperial odyssey.

Byron currently lectures Art History at London’s St Martins College, and still finds time to present his many television and radio programmes, including ‘The Rorschach Test’, a weekly dissection of Art, Literature and Science by a panel of leading experts on the mind. The Invisible Tour Guide is his first foray into Podcasting.

Download: Episode 6 – Dublin’s Tower of Dublin

Directions

This weeks tour begins at the entrance to the Tower of Dublin. The tower is built over the Tulip estuary on the historic grounds of Ballydowd Manor. The museum can be reached in about eleven minutes on foot from the city centre.

Credits

Image

Tower Bridge by vgm8383. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial 2.0 Generic license.

Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Creative Commons recording of the Bubu Cha Cha byNeurowaxx. Available under Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported license.

Sound Effects

1. 1029-sauteeing_garlic.wav by brightmedusa
2. 00866 frying 1.wav by Robinhood76
3. weale_eggfrying.aif by Rweale
4. granudrill.wav by NoiseCollector
5. 33367_jobro_Terror_01_sad_int_loop.ogg by jobro
6. ambience03.wav by yewbic
7. cinematic deep bass rumble.wav by ERH
8. atmos2.wav by Radian
9. markrawscreams (2.1).mp3 by aarondbaron
10. Ambient Darkness.mp3 by DJ Chronos
11. TwoDogs.mp3 by acclivity
12. 31arrow shot.wav by gezortenplotz
13. bow01.wav by Erdie
14. chased by dogs RAW.wav by Leady
15. dentist’s drill.wav by ERH
16. Boom Boom.aiff by simondsouza
17. Pops-MouthPops-Snaps_by-monnie101.wav bymonnie101
18. male_scream_Bram_OEAAH.aiff andmale_Thijs_loud_scream.aiff by thanvannispen
19. JoooAah.wav and Long_scream.wav by plagasul
20. Tram Accelerator Lever.aiff by nikohfb
21. power_down.wav by themfish
22. gym-duffle bag open and close.wav by FreqMan
23. POW02-L04-Voice.mp3 by Freed
24. light 1.wav by TicTacShutUp
25. no escape.aif and ripping air racing team.aif and ice door reversed.aif and caged birds need H2o & light.aifand burning iceberg.aif and by batchku
26. handcuff.wav by Erdie
27. hollowbarrier.wav by NoiseCollector
28. Velcro1.wav Velcro2.wav and by HerbertBoland
29. prison soundscape stylised.wav by 7by7
30. VIOLIN IMPROV-IRISH JIG.aif by hammerklavier
31. footsteps (Streety NR).wav by FreqMan
32. nord_analog_howling_wind_storm.wav by medialint
33. creaky_swingset.aif by Corsica_S
34. YachtRigging.wav by acclivity
35. Flag Flapping and Birds 2.wav by JustinBW

All available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

Dramatis Personae

Intro / Outro by the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Reading from ‘Tiger Note, a life in infamy’, by Elephant Creosote, courtesy Feminist Pornstar records.

Byron Frump as himself.

High Lynchman Fenian O’Connell as himself.

Vice torturer Edmond as himself.

Terry as himself.

Office Partée as himself.

Captain Marmaduke Fonteroy II, deceased, featured with kind permission of his family.

The Eyeless Boy cannot be named under the official secrets act.

Special Thanks

Dermot Byrne for production assistance and additional vocal talent.

No puppies were hurt during the making of this programme. Well, only the naughty ones.

Download: Behind the Tour Guide

Credits: 

Dramatis Personae

Byron Frump, renowned expert, as himself.

Announcer, Cloff ‘Leather Britches’ Chuffbunting.

Dr Grayskin, Grand Inquisitor of the Royal Society, as himself.

Periwinkle Trebuchet, dean of St Martins College, as himself.

Member of Muggles Against Frump, as himself.

Terry, Byron’s Manservant, as himself.

Chip Brewster, American Ladies unmentionables millionaire, as himself.

Rapunzel ‘Punzie’ Frumpess, Byron’s sister, as herself.

Antonio Frumpling, Byron’s Nephew, as himself.

Tolly Cleft, Byron’s School Friend, as himself.

Chav, as himself.

Lord and Lady WhinnyPidgeon, as themselves.

Venora Draperage, an artist, as herself.

Vice Corporal Lance Ducks, as himself.

Flashman, a bully, as himself.

Alisdair Hennigan ‘Pimpleface’ Pimpernickle, a boy, as himself.

Cresanthamum ‘Crissy’ Frumpette, as herself.

Hard Bob, a hoodlum, as himself.

Wicked Tim, another hoodlum, as himself.

Queen’s Courtier, as himself.

Queen Caroline, as ourself.

Amelia Sledgehammer, yet another hoodlum, as herself.

Special Thanks

Claire Hennessey and Mark Hughes.

Theme Music

Primarily remixed from..

1. PianoMood9.wav by HerbertBoland.
2. PianoMood31.wav by HerbertBoland.
3. PianoMood33.wav by HerbertBoland.
4. PianoMood28.wav by HerbertBoland.
5. PianoMood3.wav by HerbertBoland.
6. PianoMood1.wav by HerbertBoland.

All available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

Additional Sound Effects

1. applaus_by_fresco.wav by fresco –
2. schoolsounds.mp3 by simongray.
3. Protest_Zara_Day_22-03-2009.wav by eraylik.
4. Iraq_War_Demonstration_SanFrancisco_2003MAR03.mp3 by medialint.
5. Boeing 737 Inflight Ambience – Qantas.wav by Digitalfishmusic.
6. FlightSafetyTalk.flac by acclivity.
7. eerie_forest.mp3 by gregswinford.
8. Mouth Wind Howling.wav by gelo_papas.
9. Offworld jzspsgfzr eh 21LO.mp3 by ERH.
10. sword01.wav by Erdie.
11. sword03.wav by Erdie.
12. sword02.ogg by Erdie.
13. timber.wav by hazure.
14. 00928 man hit scream 8.wav by Robinhood76.
15. ahh 2.wav by jrssandoval
16. ahh .wav by jrssandoval.
17. Swishes.wav by Pogotron.
18. PianoMood27.wav by HerbertBoland.
19. glock_reloadsequence.wav by Vosvoy.
20. panic&pain.wav by Vosvoy.
21. Gun-Shot Gun(2 pumps).wav by Shades.
22. Gun-Pistol(one shot).wav by Shades.
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24. scream.wav by vosvoy.
25. GrowlSnarl.wav by Jamius.
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28. MOTO-1.wav by karymronda.
29. breathing1.flac by Halleck.
30. ventolin.wav by smidoid.
31. Door Creak Short.mp3 by Percy Duke.
32. Squeaky Door.wav by acclivity
33. Radio Static.mp3 by Percy Duke.
34. punches_and_slaps.wav by Syna-Max.
35. bajo_agua_LOOP.wav by plagasul.
36. jillys sonar.wav by noisecollector.
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38. Water.wav by Halion.
39. USAT BOMB.wav by sandyrb.
40. handcuff.wav by Erdie.
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42. schoolyard.wav by cognito perceptu.
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52. 01012 motorbike starting out.wav by Robert Gacek.
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79. horse.mp3 by 3bagbrew.
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81. Baaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!.ogg by Benbojangles.
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84. Hunt Horn.mp3 by Countrychap999.
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87. Nano Loop – Square 7.wav by CyberiaLainKittyKat.
88. CrackingDryWood.wav by HerbertBoland.
89. From_Darkness.wav by
    nathanshadow.
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91. PianoMood36.wav by Herbert Boland.
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94. 28.wav by livindead.
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111. Ahgghh_ses2.wav by freesound.
112. boing_raw.aif by cfork.
113. whip.wav by Freqman.
114. museum atmos.mp3 (museum.mp3) by 3bagbrew.
115. Horror sounds 3.mp3 by jobro.
116. LampClicks.wav by ViaTorci.

Download: Episode 5 – Dublin’s National Museum of Ireland, Decorative Arts and History, Part 2

Directions

This weeks tour begins on the first floor of the Museum. At the entrance to the ‘Irish at War, at Home and Abroad’ exhibit. Collins Barracks is located on Benburb St, close to Heuston Station. The museum can be reached in about 20 minutes on foot from the city centre, via the Luas Red Line, or via a variety of bus routes.

Credits:

Image

Collins Barracks Museum by William Murphy. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic licence.

Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Public Domain recording of the 1812 Overtureby Pyotr Il’yich Tchaikovsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Memento to Bachs Fugure II by Connum. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

When I’m 46. Available royalty free from Partners in Rhyme

Sound Effects

1. Screaming 4.wav by vtownpunks. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

2. Car_Stop_Breaks_Screech_Engine-Rev_by-monnie101.mp4.WAV by monnie101. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

3. CellPhoneVibrate.aif by James OC. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

4. telephone.mp3 by Travis Morgan. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

5. vibrabonk.wav by Noise Collector. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

6. punches_and_slaps.wav by Synamax. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

7. Screaming 1.wav by vtownpunks. Available under Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 License.

Dramatis Personae

Intro / Outro by the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Byron Frump as himself.

Antonio Nexus Frumpling as himself.

Terry as himself.

The part of Sargent Scrumpet was performed by Wilberforce Bruntworthington II.

Dame Cressida Guppy was played by Dame Tessa DeDerbavilles.

The unnamed announcer was voiced by Cloff ‘Leather Britches’ Chuffbunting

Special Thanks

Dermot Byrne for MIDI conversion!

Download: Episode 4 – Dublin’s National Museum of Ireland, Decorative Arts and History, Part 1

Directions

This weeks tour begins outside the main entrance of the Museum. Collins Barracks is located on Benburb St, close to Heuston Station. The museum can be reached in about 20 minutes on foot from the city centre, via the Luas Red Line, or via a variety of bus routes.

Credits

Image

National Museum of Ireland, Decorative Arts and History by William Murphy. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic licence.

Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Bach, Air for G String, performed by Joel Belov, available from University of California, Santa Barbara Cylinder Preservation and Digitization Project under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 Generic licence.

Sound Effects

1. Solo Piano #7 ‘Remember melody’ by Torley Wong. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States licence.

2. The Anguish Of Auximenes by Mellotroniac. Available under Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported licence.

3. Public domain re-issue of Once Upon A Honeymoon. Part of the Prelinger Archive, available from Archive.org.

Intro / Outro

By the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Additional Writing Credits

‘They Broke Me in The Cellar’ advertisement, based on an idea by Mr. Andrew Booth.

This week Byron introduces you to Dublin’s the Provost, Fellows and Scholars of the College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin.

Download: Episode 3 – Dublin’s Trinity College

Directions

This weeks tour begins outside the main (Dame St) entrance of Trinity College Dublin, at the heart of Dublin.
Credits

Image

Trinity College Dublin 4. Image is copyright © 2008, Pilise Gábor. Available under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 licence.

Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico_ senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Public domain recording of Aria Variata, BVW. 989 – Variation No. 1 by Johann Sebastian Bach. Performed by Brendan Kinsella.

Sound Effects

All sound effects licensed under Creative Commons Sample Plus from Freesound.org.

1. 00733 girl folk scream 3.wav by Robert Gacek.

2. scream_male_Bram_AAH_and_OH.aiff by Than van Nispen tot Pannerden.

3. Park in autumn.wav by Thomas Walter Rechtsanwalt.

4. dog_running.wav by nas1.

5. Police Sirens.wav by Fonogeno.

6. gunshots.wav by WIM.

Intro / Outro

By the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Download: Episode 2 – Dublin’s National Gallery of Ireland, Part 2

Directions

This weeks tour begins right where Episode 1 left off – at the entrance to the Milltown Wing, which is located on the 2nd floor of the National Gallery. The Gallery itself can be accessed via Nassau St, or Merrion Square.
Credits

Image

National Gallery by Yisris. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic.

Theme Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico_ senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Intro / Outro

By the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Download: Episode 1 – Dublin’s National Gallery of Ireland, Part 1

Directions

To begin this weeks tour, stand before the Nassau St entrance of Dublin’s National Gallery of Ireland.
Credits

Image

National Gallery of Ireland by TS Drown’s. Available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic.

Theme Music

Public domain recording of Pictures at an Exhibition – Promenade – Allegro giusto, nel modo russico_ senza allegrezza, by Petrovich Mussorgsky. Performed by Skidmore College Orchestra.

Intro / Outro

By the inimitable Mr. Nicholas Johnson.

Antonio Nexus Frumpling was born on the 11th of March 1998, on the Tove-Grimley estates at Sweet Puddington in Surrey. He is eldest son of the Marquess Font Goon, nee Urbis Perview II, and the Duchess of Glim, Rapunzel ‘Punzy’ Frumpess.

Although naught but a mere pup, master Frumpling has already distinguished himself across myriad disciplines. His special talents were recognised in early infancy, when a domestic discovered the collection of Occitan Sestinas A.N had penned in honour of his deceased companion animal, Muffy.

More recently, Frumpling has been honoured for his first publication, Chiaroscuro Of The Soul (Copper Canyon, 2004), with a variety of prizes including the Ted and Sylvia Hughes Award, the Cato Institute Statuette for Outstanding Cleverness, and a reluctant gold star from his teacher Mrs. Gluckschmerz.

A.N. has also made some gentlemanly efforts in the direction of developing the N-dimensional mathematics required to predictively model the behaviour of large distributed networks over time; with promising implications for the fields of communications technology, life and social sciences. His seminal publication, ‘Rethinking the Butterfly Effect: Positing the Leporid Impact’, carried in Sweden’s Acta Mathematica (vol.7, 2005, pp.245-95), was recently described as ‘Of significant import’, by the shade of James Clark Maxwell.

Although scoring in the ‘untestable’ range across a variety of neurocognitive measures, A.N. has thus far chosen to forgo membership of the Epimetheus Society- a protest at what he describes as their ‘Open door policy’. He is presently treasurer of the Royal Irish Philatelic Society, and he is happy to enter into correspondence on this matter, accepting of course that rare and unusual stamps are used!

A connoisseur of pre-WW1 music hall entertainment, A.N enjoys few things more than an evening spent with his musical troupe the ‘Pickaninnies’, sewing intricate costumes for their award-winning productions of HMS Pinafore. A.N. delights in each and every sequin and medallion he meticulously embroiders into place. To hear his laugh you might think him any ordinary lad, caught up in a carefree summer game of lacrosse with his chums!

Antonio was interviewed for this piece by noted authoress of young adolescent Ficciones, Claire Hennessy.

Unfortunately, due to Antonio’s age and temperament, we regret that we cannot accept gifts or annuities on his behalf. However, if you would like to provide an illustration of the little lad with which to embellish his page, please contact Professor Frump via Twitter, or our contact page.