Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., author of POSITIVITY writes, “Perhaps the biggest advance in twentieth-century psychological science was to unlock the ways inw hich predictable patterns of negative thinking breed negative emotions, so much so that they can even spiral down into…clinical depression, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. Negative emotions…can also spawn negative thinking.”

Here’s a tip for practicing your “disputing” skills to reframe your negative thoughts. If you’ve been following The Irrepressible Writer and/or are familiar with your explanatory style and know how to dispute negative thoughts, you’ll be able to use this tip right away.

If you’re new to The Irrepressible Writer or to Positive Psychology’s toolbox, take the time to read about what you’ll be doing. And learn to dispute negative thoughts before you use the tip below! If you have questions, do let me know! This post will give you an index for some of the general information.

Barbara Fredrickson describes this tool in POSITIVITY. It is adapted from the Penn Resiliency Program for prevention of depression.

Get a pack of index cards and:

• on each one, write down your personal and specific negative thoughts (not any negative thoughts, but yours – this corresponds to “B” on the ABCDE How to Dispute guideline)
• shuffle them and pick one at random
• read it out loud
• then as fast as you can, dispute it – out loud and with heartfelt conviction; make sure to use facts for a substantial dispute
• don’t write your dispute on the back of the card!
• work your way through the deck; add cards as you need them for negative thoughts;
• as you practice (hey, these are very portable!) you’ll notice that you get faster and faster – your brain is “getting” it.

For many of us, negative thoughts just pop right into our minds with the proper trigger. The more you work at this exercise, the more you’ll find those fact-based positive thoughts becoming just as natural.

Want to try it?    

We began on track, then (not unproductively) veered over into books we loved, books that had had impact on us.

I said that, at least on a conscious level, my beloved childhood books had not evolved directly into the wish to write for children. But the conversation did stimulate my thoughts about the important areas those books had had impact on. Here I am, after all, writing about resilience. One of my very favorite books (still!) was The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins. I wanted to be that kid who never gave up!

And even though it was Dr. Seuss’ birthday yesterday, I think I got my wish. Thank you, Dr. Seuss!   

Among the many things they do, books give voice to the longings we have for ourselves, and – even through fiction – make them seem possible.

How about you? Are there favorite childhood books that truly helped you to become the person you wanted to be?

Now, I’ve gotten much better about living in the present, and have tried to maximize my experience of winter by enjoying the inside life, and not having a tantrum when I call the village works department to come and remove the three-foot wall of snow they always leave right at my driveway on their way out of the cul-de-sac.

But I do love spring. And summer. And the vegetables that grow in my garden in spite of the lousy clay soil I have in my backyard. The catalogue visually implies that my veggies will look  like their pictures. They won’t. But I’m susceptible. I dream of getting as close as possible, so I’ll do it again, plant the seeds, weed and hoe and turn the soil. Not because I love that work as an end in itself, but because I have a dream of luscious, nutritious vegetables.

Probably not coincidentally, I’m waiting for feedback on my middle grade novel before I begin revisions. The wait also gives me needed time away from the first draft.

So it’s dreaming time for me…dreaming my novel will become the one I imagine.

It won’t. Not exactly. Just like my garden veggies won’t look like the pictures in the catalogue. But I hope my new novel will become something closely resembling the dream.

Don’t we all? Isn’t that why we dig in to revision, and try to keep our hearts on the harvest?

From a moment after it happened, though, I felt incredibly lucky.

I had colleagues, friends and family who kept me safe and stayed through the scans and stitches until I was safely home again.

I had health insurance and a skilled, gentle health care team waiting in a nearby ER.

I hadn’t broken a bone, didn’t have a concussion, and a major gash was right under, but not in, my eye.

I had an extreme physical reaction to the sudden trauma (every muscle in my body tensed up) but I didn’t worry about it, and kept my sense of humor about how quickly life changes. I’d just left the school where I volunteer and where I’d had a wonderful, productive day; had just found out that Richard Peck (my hero) would be at a nearby bookstore on Sunday. In a split second, the next couple weeks of my life completely changed.

Once I was safe and sound, I had time – plenty of it – to reflect on how solid my resilient response had felt. Even in the ambulance I’d quickly unplugged the neon sign in the back of my brain that flashed, “This can’t have happened to me!” Yes, I said to myself, it happened. Now you’ll get through it, and deal with whatever you have to.

I was really proud of myself.

Not because I worked hard at being positive about what happened.

But because it came naturally.

My responses just felt…like me.

What I’m saying is this: if you want to become more resilient, you’ll have to work hard at it. You have to teach your brain to think differently in order to become more resilient, more “irrepressible”.

But it does take hold. Even if you hit periods of difficulty during which have to work harder than usual at creating positive emotions.

I believe in change. Real, permanent change. Lucky me…

Here’s a little quiz that will make a cautionary point:

True/False Quiz

Learning and practicing the skills to create positive emotions = not having negative emotions.

Being or becoming a “learned optimist” (i.e., learning to dispute your ‘pessimistic explanatory style’) = never experiencing the pain of failure, loss, discouragement, etc.

Learning the tools and practicing the skills of creating and maintaining emotional resilience = experiencing all emotions but avoiding or limiting extended and prolonged periods of negative emotional states such as low-energy, unfocused, hopeless-feeling, depression-associated situations.

Answers

FALSE

FALSE

TRUE

That’s right.  “Positivity” as a gimmick and a fad can take on a sickly-sweet, false-feeling meaning. As if we are supposed to be happy all the time. As if we never have, or never even should have, negative emotions.                  

Oh, dear, no! Part of being fully human is being able to experience a wide range of emotion. I’m not sure what “positivity” as a gimmick would say, but Positivity the science?

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson (POSITIVITY, Crown Books 2009), award-winning researcher and “genius of the Positive Psychology movement” (Martin Seligman, Ph.D.) said to me in a recent interview, “Resilience is not the absence of emotion.” Emotions that feel “negative” are part of the range of emotions that make us human. It is, as Dr. Fredrickson says, “the longevity of our negative experiences that is really worth reining in and working on.”

When negative emotions plague a writer, instead of simply being transient, and the writer begins to judge and fight with those feelings, we experience a loss of energy, focus, productivity and creativity.

Reframing our responses, even when we’re feeling badly, results in opening the brain to energy, focus, productivity and creativity (specifically triggered by stronger problem-solving skills).

Positivity (the science) is part of the field of Positive Psychology, a relatively new, research-based field of psychology that moves away from the (very beneficial but limited) focus on pathology, and  “studies the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive”. Positive psychology helps reasonably- and well-functioning people to flourish and thrive, to find greater meaning in their lives.

Creating and maintaining resilience is one of those things that help us flourish and thrive…as humans and as writers.

My job as The Irrepressible Writer? To remind you that negative feelings are not dangerous, and keep you human…to help you create and maintain energy, productivity and creativity in the face of the adversities of the writing life…to encourage you to allow yourself joy in the face of success….And more.

Those learned or natural behaviors will go a long way towards transforming jealousy into a positive experience that will allow you to become motived and inspired, rather than dead-ended.

But to seriously “energize” yourself and to transform the usual triggers for jealousy into motivating, inspiring events,you may want to change how you think.

That means learning to dispute your negative, or pessimistic thinking.

And the benefits of doing so are huge.

Disputing is drastically different than pep talks or affirmations. Disputing requires searching for what is true versus what feels true.

Disputing can be learned and if you are willing to practice it, can permanently change how you think about negative experiences.

And why shouldn’t you try? After all, we go towards negative self-talk not because it’s true, but because it’s awful (and for many of us, oh, so familiar!)    

Yet most of us already have the skills to argue with our pessimistic attitudes, because as Martin Seligman, Ph.D. says in his now-classic LEARNED OPTIMISM, we use those skills when we argue with other people.

Here they are:

• What is the evidence?
• What are the alternatives?
• What are the implications?
• What is the usefulness?

I’ll use an example of disputing a typical “jealous” response, so you can see how this works. For reference, and for your own learning, I’m using the ABCDE technique that has evolved from cognitive therapy that I detail in this post.

NOTE: This is an expanded post, because I hate to leave you hanging in the middle of a dispute! Future posts will examine each of the techniques in greater detail, so this won’t be the last opportunity you have to understand them!

So let’s kick back and begin. For the sake of argument – picture this person as you:

A (the “adverse” event): Someone you know gets a book contract.

B (your belief about the event – i.e., what you say to yourself): “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”

C (consequences of “B”): rumination, depression, less energy focused on your work, etc.?

D (your dispute – so this is where I go to those four bullet-points above):

• Evidence that disputes the truth of the negative statements:

It isn’t me: because my book is: a) not finished b) waiting to be read; c) not found its match yet (feel free to add more possibilities here)

It isn’t fair: because life and the writing business is not always “fair”

I work so hard: I may work hard, but that is not the only factor that matters in getting a book contract, even though it is one of the few things that I can control.

This always happens to me: It actually happens to everyone, published or unpublished, every time someone else gets a contract. Otherwise, only one person would ever be published!

• Alternatives to the negative self-talk: this requires looking for less destructive ways of looking at the situation, focusing on what you control, what you can change, detailed specifics  non-personal causes.

It isn’t me: If I focus on creating a fabulous ms. and making opportunities for myself, it may be me one day.

It isn’t fair: ‘Fair’ has very little meaning in the game of life or any of life’s sub-categories, such as work and relationships.

I work so hard: I actually think there are times I could work harder.

This always happens to me: Hmm. See “Evidence” statement.

• Implications in case your negative belief about yourself happens to be correct, you’ll want to decatastrophize.

It isn’t me: I’m going to do everything I can to try to make it “me” one of these days.

It isn’t fair: Okay, I get it: life isn’t fair.

I work so hard: There are really some other things I could do to improve the quality of my work. These things are:……

This always happens to me: Things like this happen, and it’s simply part of the tapestry of the business I’m in.

• Usefulness: is your negative or pessimistic belief about the jealousy-trigger helpful or destructive? I’m betting you can find ways it’s destructive, and therefore not useful to you as a writer.

It’s distracting

It’s a time-waster

It’s an energy-drainer

It keeps me from working on what I can control – my own work

With all this generated rational information, you could probably come up with a statement that gives you a heartfelt alternative to “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”

Here are some:

• “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
• I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
• I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
• He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
• Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”

THE CRUCIAL ISSUE:

Even if the negative and positive words don’t feel like “you”, experiment with them: read them aloud and notice the emotional, even visceral, impact of each:

“Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”

How do you feel hearing that?

Now try these:

• “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
• I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
• I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
• He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
• Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”

What’s the emotional impact of talking to yourself in those ways?

THE POINT: Negativity drains you and closes your brain. Positivity, learned or natural, energizes and opens you to possibilities.

Worth the effort, no? Care to share your own disputes? I’d love to hear them!

Coming in the next month…Some techniques for practicing your disputes!

For others of you, the feeling will stay uncomfortable and inconvenient, putting a roadblock in the way of your own writing.

You may have noticed that optimistic-leaning writers respond to others’ successes differently. They may say things like, “Oh, I’m so jealous!” but ultimately they see others’ successes as encouraging, inspiring and exciting.

You can, too.

If you’ve been following The Irrepressible Writer, you may be familiar with the technique of using the skill of disputation to change your thinking, and subsequently your feelings.

But you might want to take this second step before you do.

Explore and then rely on your core values, beliefs and strengths. Connecting to them will enable you to act and speak in the way you’d want others to act and speak towards you if you were the one who got a book contract, won a contest, got some kind of recognition as a writer.

Whatever your ethical or spiritual framework, use it to help yourself in this situation.

Maybe you still feel jealous? So what? You can still act in a generous, caring and celebratory way.

You simply need to learn how to harness your strengths, values, beliefs and brain-power to create a more optimistic framework for yourself. Then, when you’re feeling vulnerable, you’ll have very specific tools that provide rational – and very real – comfort and an opportunity to change how you feel.

Does this feel fake or fraudulent?

I encourage you not to think so. Remember that you’re trying to access your own inborn or learned values. If you’re curious about your strengths and values, take the online test at Martin Seligman’s site.

Whatever your ethical or spiritual framework, doing the right thing towards others can have a powerful impact on you, as well. Chances are you feel better than you would if you withhold congratulatory responses because you’re feeling too jealous.

And when you feel a bit better, you’ll really be ready to dispute your language of jealousy, and create heartfelt statements that will turn jealousy into inspiration.

What are your core values, beliefs and strengths that can help you come up with some reliable statements or actions when you’re feeling jealous?

Before I gave it any thought, I began copying her letters. Her handwriting would be my handwriting. I couldn’t have Missy’s height and weight, her gorgeous hair and smooth, light skin, her uncorrected eyesight, cute giggle, social skills or clothes. But I could have her handwriting.

The fact that I got good grades and wrote poetry was not enough.

We know that jealousy causes intellectual, physical and emotional cramping.

And unless we isolate ourselves as writers, we are surrounded with the potential for jealousy: a community of fellow writers striving for and achieving excellence; critique partners who challenge instead of pacify; a world in which ‘success’ may feel measured by reviews, advances, copies sold.

Jealousy propels us into negativity and drains energy, productivity and creativity. Jealousy focuses our energy on who we aren’t or can’t be, and inhibits us from being and becoming the writers we are and can be.

You know that. And you hear and read that you must change jealousy into a source of inspiration. But how?

Here’s how to get from jealousy to inspiration, step-by-step:

STEP ONE: Normalize the feelings of jealousy so that when they come, you’re not surprised. Surprise is often accompanied by anger at the feelings, and that zooms you off into another knotty situation.

How to normalize? As soon as the feeling surface, notice it. When you do this, “I’m so jealous” becomes “I notice I’m jealous” or “This is interesting, I’m feeling jealous.”

This act creates time/space distance from the jealousy. You’re then able to observe it and learn from it, rather than become embroiled in it.

Even this first step will help you feel less controlled and diminished by this natural feeling.

Eager to zip right from jealousy to admiration? Understandable. But if jealousy’s hard for you, try setting up a habit of positivity by taking one step at a time.

It sounds simplistic, but the practice of “noticing” offers you huge opportunities.

As I’ve described here, I signal noticing with the phrase, “This is interesting.” I borrowed it from one of my mentors, and you should feel free to borrow it from me, or invent your own “signal” phrase.

Go ahead and try:

_____________________________________________________________

(your own “I’m jealous” statement)

_____________________________________________________________

(your “noticing” phrase)

Practice. Practice repeatedly. That’s how you’ll make noticing a habit. Then you’ll be ready to move on to STEP TWO, which I’ll detail in my next post.

And speaking of noticing, are there any familiar patterns to your jealousy? Is it a particular thing that incites it? Or a particular mood of your own that leaves you vulnerable? I’d love to hear…

And because the idea of a post on The Irrepressible Writer came to mind, I trusted that what I’d noticed about our effort to decrease our garbage must have something to do with positivity and the writer’s life.

But what?

I try to allow meanings or connections to slide right into my brain the way I slide a pan of veggies with olive oil and spices into the oven to roast (no metaphor intended; just cooking Friday night dinner as I write). This morning was one of those times.

It occurred to me that the reason my husband and I are making ecological progress is because of the same “Three Things” necessary to create and maintain resilience for writing and for life. Believe. Learn. Practice.

Increasingly, those “things” ring true in many areas of my life, not necessarily all three at once.  Small and large activities involve an intensity of belief in the purpose and value of what I’m doing, sometimes a continued and important learning curve, and always practice.

I consider it a blessing that I have the luxury of being able to try to live this way.

It doesn’t matter whether those activities are washing dishes in the sharp winter sunlight and deliberately being mindful, present, in those moments, looking out my back window at the snow and prairie grass; being the kind of friend, wife, mother or volunteer I want to be; or letting myself sink into the emotions and life of my main character in my middle grade work-in-progress.

Believe. Learn. Practice.

Garbage…writing…life.

Yep. Definitely connected for me…in the most positive way.

You?

As I expanded my knowledge and experience in the field of clinical social work, I learned and experienced the powerful value of challenging solidly-embedded negative thoughts.

Many theories and techniques exist to challenge and replace negative thinking with heartfelt positivity. The Irrepressible Writer will continue to explore and describe those ways, and I hope you’ll continue to share the experiment, and share the impact on your writing lives.

I’ve written here that the ability to journey towards heartfelt positivity rests on the belief that the negative thinking is incorrect or irrational (i.e., not based on factual evidence). We know that it is limiting to us as writers…and in our non-writing lives.

My first introduction to the power of disbelief in limited thinking (not only negative thinking, by the way) was Edward de Bono. De Bono created the concept and tools of Lateral Thinking. He was among the first who believed that creativity could be taught, stimulated by a variety of techniques that gained broad acceptance. If you’re familiar with the concept of “six thinking hats”, that’s de Bono.

Reading about and implementing some of de Bono’s techniques moved me beyond what I felt might be the boundaries of my psychodynamic/psychoanalytic training into the world of cognition, and of creativity “not as a magical gift but as a learnable skill” (de Bono).  It helped me, and it helped clients, to move beyond places where we might feel emotionally or intellectually stuck.

One simple tool, which de Bono calls “provocation”, opened a huge door. You might want to play with it:

Here’s an example of a provocation:

1. STATE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT, for example: “I’m not able to compete in the current writing climate. I’ll never get past the bigger and bigger gates that are getting set up everyday.”

2. GIVE YOURSELF A PROVOCATION: de Bono used the word “po” to signal: “This statement is not true.” (Say it loudly: “Po!”)

3. IF “PO” IS TRUE (so therefore the original statement in #1 is NOT TRUE) THEN WHAT ELSE MIGHT BE TRUE?:

• I might have greater writing ability or capacity than I think;
• I might at least have the ability to work harder than I think;
• I might be more open to looking for and creating opportunities to meet editors and agents at conferences;
• I might re-allocate some priorities if I believed that going to conferences might help my access;
• I might feel more inspired to polish a piece to submit to a conference if I wanted a critique;
• etcetera

“What if…?” It’s a phrase familiar to writers as we plot. It opens doors for our characters and our stories.

But what if you use “what if” on yourself, as well?

What if when you have negative thoughts you aren’t just depressed or depleted…What if you’re wrong?