Forever J

Last Day of the First Month

2025-01-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, January. One of the most uncommon times of year to be born. I did it.

My birthday was this past Monday. I took the day off. I hosted a small dinner party. It was pleasant.

February 2025 is minutes away. I’ll get back to watching British telly.

Keeping calm and carrying on,

Homeward Bound

2025-01-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning from the Eastern Time Zone. I’m waiting at the gate for my 8:00am flight from LGA to DCA. It will be a short flight (thankfully) compared to the tournament-level flights I had to return from Asia.

Bangkok to Helsinki was 12 hours, and Helsinki to New York was eight and a half hours. Wow.

I had an overnight layover in NYC, so I stayed at an old friend’s house. I’ve known Ilya since my mid-20s. Only four years older than me, he and I have done and seen a lot. Many of my NYC memories include him. It was fun to catch up again during a sleepover like I used to so long ago.

I’m tired but not exhausted. I thought the jet lag from extended international travel would set my levels to zero. I think I’m at a decent 60% or so.

Ha! True to my younger self form, I have a birthday party tonight. While in London, I was invited via text from a third-party organizer app by the host, Will. I know, why would I agree to attend a birthday party the same day I return home from a world tour?

Why not? I can make an appearance, greet the host, mingle a bit, then dip out. Or I can stay until the end if any jet lag kicks in and I’m not sleepy.

I have a convoluted association with Will. I had a massive crush on him when I met him in June 2024. He’s a tall, handsome, mild mannered NJB (Nice Jewish Boy). I don’t know if he was ever aware of my interest in him, but it doesn’t matter now. He’s a friend.

There’s more to that story, but I don’t feel like getting into it here and now.

My flight is boarding soon. It’ll be just over an hour. I’ll be glad to get home and see which houseplants survived my absence. *cringe*

Onward,

Norwegian Wood

2025-01-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

I’m finally reading my first Murakami novel. Of course, I’ve heard countless good things about his work. I knew eventually I’d get round to it. Here I am.

The Guardian says, “Such is the exquisite, gossamer construction of Murakami’s writing that everything he chooses to describe trembles with symbolic possibility.”

Okay, sign me up for that!

My long distance travel home begins early tomorrow morning. I’ll continue reading it on the plane.

I think it’s a good idea to start my first book of the year. It’s also my first book purchase in a very long time, as I tend to listen to audiobooks. Not because I prefer audiobooks. I don’t very much. I enjoy the lightness, ease, and economy of audiobooks.

Admittedly, when the voice acting and production quality are good, it makes the audio experience really enjoyable. So, in some cases I do prefer an audiobook, but I’d say in general I like the tangibility of actual books.

If you haven’t read or listened to a book in a while, get to it. You won’t regret it. If the book isn’t good, find another one (or two).

Happy reading,

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

2025-01-01T07:16:00.010-07:00

Greetings from Bangkok, Thailand! I first arrived in Krabi on December 27th with my friend S.L. Before that we were in Singapore on December 25th. Prior to that, I was in London a few days after arriving on the morning of December 18th.

Thailand is absolutely amazing. Its natural beauty and captivating culture make it far and away one of the most extraordinary trips I've taken. Of course, I'm very excited about the food and I've eaten well indeed.

However, I'm still reassessing my life, intentions, choices, mistakes, and missed opportunities. 2023 was a bumpy year. 2024 was better, but still had bumps in the road of a different sort.

Now on the first day of 2025 in a very exciting country on a MUCH needed vacation, I still wonder what is it all about? Why am I still so stressed? Why was anxiety ruining my sleep? Of course, this winter break trip has been grand and I have been sleeping much better. I return home in a few days and it'll be back to the usual daily routine. My hope is it will be a better adjusted one.

I've been feeling a little of everything, everywhere, simultaneously up, down, all around and inside out. Maybe I'm not meant to know what it all means, but I know it won't be forever.

I intend to thrive in '25,

Failure To Launch (Again?)

2023-03-12T22:58:00.002-07:00

Oy vey. I just had a decent draft going and somehow I managed to delete it. "Undo" didn't work and I couldn't get it back. It's quite uncanny how much this situation echos various themes in my life right now.

It's also a reminder to not draft posts late at night when I should be sleeping.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What's Real Can't Die

2023-02-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I watched one of my favorite films again: I Am Love. It is such a powerful piece of cinematic splendor. The deeply sensitive person I am, of course I cry. Every. Single. Time. It's the moments where things are left unsaid, or don't need to be said because you can feel it all that touch me the most.

I've written here about this enchanting film before after its release in 2009, but I'm not in the mood to dig through my archives and link to it now. I'll probably write about it again one day in the future too, because it is so special to me.

If you've never seen I Am Love before, please rectify that situation.

Regardless of all the love I have, had, lost, and will have before my life ends; it's the knowledge I am worthy of all the love I can summon, harness, give, and receive that keeps me going...

Full of Love,

"If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hooray for you."

2023-02-20T23:22:00.001-07:00

I watched, Paris Is Burning again this past Saturday with a friend and work colleagues (who have also become friends) in celebration of Black History Month. I've seen it a few times before. Now that I am older, wiser, and lived a little more over the years, this film resonates within me differently.

Regardless of time passing, certain elements remain constant within humanity and our society as a whole—the quest for love, acceptance, equality, reciprocity, following dreams, and becoming who and what one chooses to be. Paris Is Burning displays all these themes, and relates the ongoing struggle between the haves and the have nots, from wanting to fit in, to willful objection to being anything but ordinary.

This poignant chronicling of cultural moments from the drag ball scene of the late 80s into 90s is a multifaceted prism, sometimes reflecting a warm glow of mirth and good humor, and other times glaring a harsh, painful light into the recesses of the heart. Those deep-seated aches and aspirational longings for things that are always tantalizingly out of reach—especially if you're a non-white gay male living in Harlem, New York during one of America's most decadent decades.

A lot of wisdom from being "different," experiencing loss, missed opportunities, and lots of hard knocks in life are revealed. My favorite contributor is Dorian Corey. She really speaks nothing but the TRUTH. I identify with that the most.

"Everybody wants to leave something behind them, some impression, some mark upon the world. Then you think... you left a mark on the world if you just get through it. And a few people remember your name. THEN you left a mark. You don't have to bend the whole world. I think it's better to just enjoy it; pay your dues and enjoy it. If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hooray for you."

In preparation for shooting another arrow up and out there,

Here I Go AGAIN...

2023-02-13T12:39:00.003-07:00

I'm still quite flummoxed why it's been such an ongoing challenge to meet someone to spend my life with (or at least a good long-term committed relationship). I've had them before. I know what to do, and what NOT to do. I know how to communicate, express needs, nurture, give love—and ask the same of my partner. Yet time and time again, I do not receive what I know I deserve, nor am I meeting anyone that has anything significant to offer. *shrugs*

I know intellectually speaking I need to live my life, be free, and enjoy each day as it comes and goes. Unfortunately, the way things are playing out, it concerns me that I'll go a significant portion of time without any real companionship. Is that my fate? Perhaps I'm not meant to be with anyone. Am I to accept it as it is, and go with the flow? I'd like to think I have some say in the matter, and I do up to a point. I can continue to keep myself healthy, fit, attractive, and intellectually curious. It's my responsibility to maintain mental health, cultivate healthy friendships, work associations, and familial connections as much as possible.

This past Saturday, I had a terrible date. I could tell early on I was not what Michael (that's his real name; no need to protect his identity) was looking for. He's 57, 6'2", a Scorpio, and an entrepreneur. When I asked about what he wants, he responded with, "I'm jaded." Well, that certainly makes things easier! I thought him being older and mature would mean receptivity to openly expressing himself and find out what could be possible between us. Nope. The date was an hour and fifteen minutes, the shortest date I've had in YEARS. Suffice it to say, when I got back home I unmatched him on Hinge, deleted the app, and deleted him from my phone. "Thank u, next."

I believe in taking chances, being open to possibility, and transparency whenever possible. Needless to say, many men I've encountered DO NOT ascribe to these principles.

Last week, I listed to The Journal podcast (I'm a regular listener). At the conclusion of their February 6 podcast, host Ryan Knutson requested anyone with experience paying for dating apps to send a message and possibly be included in an upcoming story. So, I did. Here's what I said:

Hi WSJ,

I just heard yesterday's podcast asking about people's experiences with dating apps, and would like to share my initial thoughts. In short, they are awful.

I am a 45-year-old single gay male who has used almost all popular dating apps at some point since my 20s: OKCupid, Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Surge, The League, Scruff, Grindr, Plenty of Fish, JDate, JSwipe, the Lox Club, etc. (paid and free versions). Collectively, dating apps have seemingly caused people to deregulate and deprioritize human interactions, and increase the propensity for suitors and prospects to "play games" and not behave in a way they would if sitting across the table at a bar, cafe, restaurant, etc. I believe the art of conversation and courtship has effectively withered and fallen off the vine.

Have I met some decent people over the years? Occasionally, if it gets past the instant messaging part. My burning question is how can millions of people be using and paying for these platforms daily, yet I can name only two heterosexual couples I know (one on OKCupid, the other on Tinder) that eventually got married? The odds in people's favor seem shady and skewed to me.

As a result, I don't pay for any apps anymore because their "premium" services don't have enough added value to make it worthwhile. Plus, it seems they use their algorithms to display higher quality candidates for those that pay for the service vs the apps' early days when everyone got the same unfiltered general search results. I've deleted most of them permanently.

For context, I'm originally a Californian. I currently live in Denver, CO. Prior to that I was in Boston, MA preceded by New York City. I spent my teenage years in the UK. I'm happy to discuss further if you think my input will be helpful.

Sincere thanks for your time and consideration,
Jason Atkins

***

I thought sharing my strong opinions would be more likely to receive a response. Well, It's been about a week as of this writing, and I've not received any word or acknowledgement of receipt. That's fine. I definitely feel better after expressing my views, regardless of the outcome.

Now that I think about it, my rant quite possibly sounds jaded too! HA! Maybe they received a high volume of responses and they're still sifting through them. IF I hear back from The Journal, I'll be sure to tell you about it.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone tomorrow. I probably won't be in the mood to post anything until later in the week.

With love,

Don't Go Jason Waterfalls!

2023-02-07T23:58:00.003-07:00

I have returned! This is my first post in years. Wow. I finally made it back to this long-forgotten, yet comprehensive collection of my thoughts and musings.

After 11 years in Boston. I happily relocated to Denver, Colorado on June 7, 2022. Overall, it's been fantastic.

However, with all transitions and changes there ups and downs, internal, and external shifts. New home, new coworkers, new friends, new city life, new prospects, and new romances (or lack thereof). I've consistently navigated them all for better or worse, because I am strong and resilient.

Yesterday, however, I did take a slight dip. Something I already knew (as my intuition is rarely wrong) wasn't going to turn out as I ardently hoped, was confirmed. Oh, the classic case of heartbreak and disappointment...

I liked Shawn (name changed to keep identity hidden) so, so, much. More than necessary given the overall lack of reciprocity, intermittent communication, and mixed signals running hot and cold. My dear friend Camille (that's her real name) summarized it well, "There's been a question mark over him for months!"

Other than me giving a kiss on the cheek (shortly after my initial declaration of interest) and several subsequent hugs, nothing actually happened, as the interlude was not consummated (for which I am simultaneously disappointed and relieved). Mostly because I didn't know where I stood, and not enough mutual trust building.

It did not end on a completely negative note, as there remains some mutual goodwill in the spirit of casual friendship. But like a spirit, it feels insubstantial and not truly anchored to anything right now. It's fine. I'll be fine. If we never speak again, it's okay. I'll be civil and polite if we cross paths in public or among mutual friends, unless provoked otherwise.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Not solely because of the final emotional setback with Shawn, but it catalyzed a collective wave of sadness, insecurity, and rejection from failed attempts at romance since beginning my new life in the Rockies. I suppose I'm expecting a lot. These things take time, and I'm not one to rush intimacy with anyone I consider a viable prospect. Where are viable prospects?!

Put that where? Back there! I awoke very early today and feel better because I know everything that's meant to happen, eventually does.

I know I have much to offer and be thankful for: general good health,
sharp wit, insightful mind, powerful will, wisdom, gainful employment, and pleasant pulchritude. I'll sleep well tonight.

Hoping you do too,

Notes From the Archives

2023-02-07T22:49:00.001-07:00

I wrote the below in December 2020 while living in Quincy, Massachusetts. It is now February 2023, and I live in Denver, Colorado (arrived June 7, 2022). This was saved in my drafts and I'm going to publish it now anyway because it's part of my collective consciousness and stream of thought, despite being years old.

***

It's another holiday season, and the world is essentially a broke-down-hot-a$$-mess right now. However, it's not a total loss. CheetoDust's tyranny is finally drawing to a close, and we can put the general disaster of 2020 behind us soon. The situation with 'Rona has been an absolute living nightmare on so many levels.

I don't want to rant a lot on this entry. There are some things that did go well or are continuing to do so despite the current circumstances around the world. For me, some include but are not limited to:

More self-reflection
Catching up on reading, or reading more
Expanding and maintaining my massive houseplant collection
More home-prepared meals (with occasional deliveries to support local businesses, and because Thai food)
Healthier eating habits
Saving money by not regularly dining out
More self-awareness regarding my financial habits and goals
Catching up on TV shows and starting new ones
Listening to more music while I do chores and housework
Weekly, biweekly, and monthly calls with friends and work colleagues

Is This Thing On?

2020-12-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Hi, friends! I've been away a LONG time; yes I know. 2020 is almost at its end and so MANY things have ended since the last time I penned a post here. There have been new beginnings too. This is one of them.

Regarding my extended absence: There were some user domain issues and things within Blogger's interface that weren't readily apparent to me or intuitive from a user experience perspective. It's not that I didn't want to write any updates over all this time; I simply didn't know how to get this blog restarted, and I wasn't about to start another one!

Thanks to my old friend Todd (who actually has worked in user experience a.k.a. UX before) via a Google Meet call yesterday where I shared my screen, he guided me through a quick fix, enabling me to post here again! It was easier than I thought, but even Todd agreed it wasn't crystal clear what my next steps should have been. There are still things to tinker with and rework, since several previous links don't seem active anymore, but I'm on my way.

Some things have not changed. I should have been in bed hours ago, but my night owl tendencies still prevail. I'll be back sooner than later with more to share.

In this ongoing 'Rona world, I'm keeping well; managing to stay healthy, safe, and otherwise alone in a New England apartment with dozens of houseplants along with Hulu Live, HBO Max, Amazon Prime Video, Netflix, and YouTube to help me pass the time.

Ciao for now,

Double rainbow view.

2018-10-23T14:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BpSj1r4BJX3XqOE7zIJeRZOVnMB_ILeybByjaU0/

This is sunset splendor.

2018-09-23T16:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BoFhNYNBSME/

2018-08-23T17:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm1yzo9BZKw/

It’s time for hot pot. Vonda and I are keeping our biweekly tradition going, and will feast like the royalty we are!

2018-07-30T17:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl39fp1hSAS/

To-go, please! I treated myself to this and a Mint Lavender Iced Tea. Thanks, @ulacafe. I’m winning at life because I SAY I AM! BOOM!

2018-07-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BlDL5VFh9-G/

Sun rising over my home. Good morning!

2018-07-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BlDLQT9BsQC/

Look at these GORGEOUS lilies in Providence! Yes, they’re real! #sunshine #bloomingcolors #lilies #providence #rhodeisland

2018-06-17T13:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BkIznj6h-KT/

We had brunch! Featuring @jamiejhagen, @magmidd, @itsolivialane, and @dick_lovejoy. #stayhungry #brunch #weekendgetaway #funwithfriends #providence #rhodeisland #julians

2018-06-17T10:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BkIfkMtBGXM/

It’s usually a challenge for me to get my orchids to bloom again. I got it right this time! #winning #orchids #houseplants #gardening #bloomingcolors #springtime

2018-05-22T08:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BjFWaeWh7wd/

Jamie J. Hagen, PhD, (@jamiejhagen) and I celebrated her successfully defending her dissertation with lunch at #tacoparty. #tasty #lunchfun #mytreat #winning #congratulations #somuchyes #alltheyes

2018-05-16T13:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/Bi2ZGsfBGol/

Spring fevah! 😍 #peonies #myfavorite #bloomingcolors

2018-05-15T09:14:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BizevdFBJEQ/

I opened the curtains to this view. ❤️

2018-02-20T01:17:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BfaEij1lWZn/

Fun, food, and friendship were themes for dinner tonight. Thank you for celebrating with me! 💁🏾‍♂️🤗❤️#funwithfriends #fabulousateveryage #birthdaydinner #boulder #colorado

2018-01-27T22:47:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/Bee1_nTlNxv/

Haaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!

2018-01-27T11:28:00.001-07:00

via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/BedoRq9lyaC/