The Jack Sack™

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS: The Jack Sack™ Movie Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:26:00 +0000

I loved this movie. STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is a rare example of a film's execution surpassing its own limits in terms of story. On paper, I should absolutely hate this movie. I knew a significant amount of spoilers going in and I was convinced that the filmmakers made a huge error until I actually watched *how* they did it. Seeing these actors, Chris Pine in particular giving an extraordinary performance as James T. Kirk, I realized that this cast and crew deserves our trust.

To the film itself, STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is an improvement over 2009's STAR TREK in terms of narrative. Kirk and his crew have been on the Enterprise for some time now, and Kirk is already showing that he hasn't earned nor does he respect his position well-enough to keep it. Where some people criticized the first film for giving Kirk the Captain's chair too early, that was a key element in Kirk's character development for this film. So, with Admiral Christopher Pike (Bruce Greenwood) taking back the Enterprise and making Kirk his first mate, we see the father-son bond between these two characters emerge more poignantly.

However, the relationship that towers over all of this material is that between Kirk and Spock. In the previous film, Leonard Nimoy's Spock mind-melded with Kirk to inform him of the alternate timeline. Part of that mind-meld was Pine's Kirk being bombarded with Original Spock's emotional bond with Original Kirk. This is an overwhelming burden for the younger Kirk- to know that he is destined to be great, and to be best friends with a Vulcan who has, in his younger incarnation up until that point, been a complete asshole. It's like knowing you're going to marry someone after a disastrous first couple of dates (which included you losing your job, getting thrown out of a moving vehicle, etc.). Kirk knows he has to be the bigger guy at this point because Spock is a work in progress. And in STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS, Spock tests Kirk's resolve early and often, therefore making their ultimate resolution that much more touching.

I have nothing to say about the villain except that he's a huge improvement over the last film's actor and character. I like the execution more than I expected, but this is a part of the movie that's not worth discussing prior to most people seeing it.

The Special Effects were better this time around. The Enterprise looked gorgeous and I'm not a fan of this new ship design at all. The thing is, she earns her namesake and by the film's end she's become an adored family member. I also loved the music, building on the last film's strong score and making more interesting variations throughout.

This entire movie was a surprise for these several improvements in execution. The characters (Scotty in particular) have more dimension to them. I like the filmmakers decisions because they've proven to me that it's not about doing the so-called right thing with these characters, it's about doing those things the right way. While many actors shine in this film, this is Chris Pine's movie. He's a legitimate movie star after his performance here. I'm looking forward to seeing this again this weekend. Go see it too!

Jack Bauer's Vacation Is Over; 24 Officially Returns to TV!

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:39:00 +0000

Well, call this a good day for the manpurse industry! Jack Bauer's vacation has come to an end with the terror-loving producers at FOX reviving the TV series 24. Today, news comes in that Kiefer Sutherland has officially signed to star in the further adventures of Jack Bauer.

Time to start speculating on the next installment... but first, let's all sober up from our celebrating this news!

24: The (TV) Movie (Miniseries)? Rumors are Jack Bauer is coming back

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Fri, 10 May 2013 02:26:00 +0000

File this under rampant rumor/speculation/aggravation:

The story is that 24 is coming back to TV but as a limited-event (do people not want to say "mini-series" anymore?). The rumor details are here, so take this all with the skepticism it deserves- namely a couple of producers probably desperate to revive their golden goose due to their inability to get 24 on the big screen! I hope something happens, Jack Bauer taking over Mr. Roger's Neighborhood would be fine by me ("There's a bomb on the model train! GET DOWN!!!").

Well, maybe they want to get my blog stats back up. Thanks guys!

ROBOT & FRANK: The Jack Sack™ Movie Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Wed, 08 May 2013 00:32:00 +0000

One of the greatest gifts in life is finding true friends. You don't necessarily think about it when a friendship is formed, or even in the midst of the bond, but you do notice it when the friend is gone-- and thus losing a friend (no matter the circumstances) is one of the harshest certainties in life.

ROBOT & FRANK is about the ends and beginnings of friendship- between an aging troublemaker, Frank and his family, loved ones, and an improbable union with a soft-spoken but pushy robot caretaker. Set in the near-future, Frank (Frank Langella) has lost all of his friendships. He lives alone in a warm but empty house in the secluded, gorgeous Hudson Valley. What should be a happy retirement is in truth a series of days that blend into one another where time is without meaning. Also, Frank is not well, he is forgetful, losing his world to the creeping ravages of dementia- so his solitude is based on the fact that he doesn't remember those closest to him. Instead of putting Frank in an assisted living center, his son, Hunter (James Marsden) elects to bring the care to his father's home- in the form of a short, white robot nurse. Frank is unsurprisingly pissed at his son's gesture and he takes it out on the robot in a series of sinister scenes.

However, some friendships are born from antagonism, and the one that emerges between Frank and his robot is as touching yet unsentimental as possible. The filmmakers rightly do not turn the robot into a Wall-E type character, in fact the robot's charm comes from his consistently dry delivery. There are a few truly laugh-out-loud moments in this film that don't force the humor. And something more brilliant takes place here- it's not about a robot becoming a human being's friend, it's about a human being treating a robot as a friend. By isolating the variables to one human, the film shows that the generosity, frustration and love that we express to our friends comes from within. We may react to people in the way they treat us, but where the one we're around is devoid of emotion or intent, we nevertheless practice the values of friendship with that being. That's where ROBOT & FRANK succeeds brilliantly- in displaying the giving nature of humans without forcing it to fit a gimmick.

There's a lot of plot here that I don't want to ruin- it's a movie that should be experienced without any prior knowledge. Just take the time to find this film and hopefully you will see the statements on friendship that are so thoughtfully expressed throughout.

I want to be friends with STAR WARS again

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Mon, 06 May 2013 19:14:00 +0000

Hi Gang,

It's been a while since I posted anything with the complete lack of anything 24-related in the world. And I've had little to add to the internet other than my tweets about cigars, sunsets and bourbon. I guess there's a time for everything to recede and then there comes a time for something new to grow. Maybe I'm back to writing or maybe this is my single post for 2013. I have no idea, and I make no promises about the frequency of posts moving forward.

All of that aside, the reason I logged back into Blogger today was to write out my thoughts concerning STAR WARS, the pillar of my childhood, the albatross on my teenage dating prospective years and the calamitously expensive hobby I delved into during the "prequel" years when the series was marketed and merchandized into new life.

I gave up on STAR WARS. It happened around the time I sat through REVENGE OF THE SITH and realized I didn't care who lived, who died or why I was even sitting in the seat. I was bored by the spectacle. I am not alone in this feeling, and the internet is full of millions of folks saying some version of this essay. I don't have anything Tatooine-shattering to offer here but while reading an interview with Mark Hamill regarding the upcoming movies (Episodes 7, 8 and 9) I realized that I would be seeing Luke Skywalker again on the big screen. This was the first time I felt genuinely happy about STAR WARS in years. More than any other "original" character, Luke was the guy that made these films. Sure, he whined, he moped around and he kept pissing off the level-headed Yoda and Ben Kenobi, but Luke was the kid. Luke was all of us, thrust into an odd world, told to live a certain kind of life but always looking off to the future, hoping for a new destiny. There is much more I could write about this character, a thesis on Western Individualist thought is just waiting to be applied to Young Skywalker, but I'll skip all of that for now and just go on about my emotions. And the big surprise here is that I feel warmth towards STAR WARS, and more specifically, Luke Skywalker, again. Will it last? Will the new movies be good? That's all up to the filmmakers. I may not be a fanatic anymore, but maybe that was never sustainable. Growing up is not necessarily inevitable, but it does make it difficult to obsess over anything in particular when you have to deal with real issues.

I would really like to have my old childhood friend come back, if not for me but for a new generation of kids that could experience the same joy and imaginative thrill that I had from these stories. I hope STAR WARS comes back for real this time.

PROMETHEUS: MOVIE POSTER PARODY

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 16:38:00 +0000

With Prometheus opening this weekend, I sat in the theater wondering if the creation of all life on Earth was just another Festivus miracle. Thank you, Frank Costanza!

If wolves were on the moon...

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:35:00 +0000

... would they stop howling?

JOHN CARTER: The Jack Sack™ Movie Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:10:00 +0000

On Mars, they have a cooler version of a Corgi.

Deep down, I believe that things will settle in the right place given enough time. So, I'm not the least bit worried that JOHN CARTER will find its audience because it's a diverting adventure that pours genuine imagination all over your stinking head. We just have to wait out the haters that have taken to bashing this film.

Yes, the premise of JOHN CARTER is utterly ridiculous- that a diverse group of beings live on Mars, or Barsoom as the locals call it, fighting ancient rivalries and draining their world of life in the process. And yet, the premise is what makes this movie so charming to me- that you could look up at a dot in the night's sky and imagine all kinds of heroism and exotic derring-do. You're not bound by what you know with this kind of film. Similar to how INGLORIOUS BASTERDS threw out your knowledge of World War II, JOHN CARTER offers the same kind of "no strings attached" storytelling. A human can walk on this Mars- he can actually walk and run rather well because of the difference in gravity. And his strength can make a human a formidable warrior in this environment.

Enter Captain John Carter, formerly of the Confederate Army. Drifting through the Arizona territory desperately searching for gold to heal the many losses he's suffered (his wife and child dead from the war), John Carter is a man without purpose. In stumbling upon a means to travel to Mars, Carter is given the chance to become a hero for a Martian princess who seeks to stop her planet's demise at the hands of some serious villainy. Naturally, John Carter and the princess, Dejah Thoris, hit it off.

Hi, I'm from another planet.

Carter also forms an alliance with a truly alien character-- Tars Tarkas, the leader of the Tharks. The Tharks are everything the Gungans should have been in STAR WARS: EPISODE I. And Tars ≠ Jar Jar. This alien has genuine charisma.

There are no pod races in this film and this guy doesn't step in feces.

JOHN CARTER is a completely satisfying adventure. The film provides unpretentious escapism; there is no need to analyze elements of the story or setting. This isn't science fiction, we are not supposed to know how this universe functions. JOHN CARTER is a movie where you root for the good guys and hope the girl gets her man. Luckily, the actors are all charming in their roles and the action is very easy to follow, unlike a lot of contemporary CG-driven films.

Take an afternoon off from Earth and join John Carter on Mars.

24 Movie Not Happening Soon

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:22:00 +0000

According to people who report on such things for a living, "24: EPISODE I: THE MOTION PICTURE- CHAPTER ONE" will not be filmed anytime this year. The details are here.

Geez, the day after I come back to blogging about 24 and this happens? Bah! I will not be stopped!

24 Season 1: 9PM-10PM Retro Review!

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 20:29:00 +0000

That's right, people- I'm finishing what so many excellent readers of this site started and maintained- the final three hours of Day One will be reviewed. And we will have blood!

Previously in Day One:

People are trying to kill Senator David Palmer on the day of the California Primary. Jack Bauer is a force of nature employed by the CIA's fast-food version of itself: CTU. CTU moves to stop the assassination attempt by any means semi-reasonable to a federal agency, so naturally lots of collateral damage piles up. Jack has a wife named Teri, who goes all Carrie Fisher at some point and loses her mind. Their daughter, Kim, likes bad boys and her survival instincts are so poor that you would expect she should have flushed her own head down a toilet by now.

Jack is now a prisoner of Victor Drazen (Drazen is still a prisoner of the worst Slavic accent ever attempted on film). Drazen is about to pop Jack's pierogie before our hero plays his last card- I know where your dead son is, and no, he's not dead, Vic. Jack lives.

And here we go...

It's 9 O'Clock, do you know where your children are? In the back of an SUV filled with dudes wearing ski masks? Ah, your child must be Kim Bauer!

Just when you thought getting kicked in the face was kind of boring, the writers thought one more kick was worth a try. Kim, who has been the Nordberg of this season, was quietly being transported back to CTU from prison (for a crime she didn't commit!) when an SUV smashes into the cop car and Kim gets kidnapped... a-fucking-gain! The director of this episode feels it's necessary to show Kim whine and kick via two concurrent camera angles. Is this supposed to help? Show me the angle where you cover her mouth with duct tape... ah, there ya go!

Back at the Hotel California, Senator Palmer makes three vague references to the fact that he's an African American running for President "They said the country wasn't ready, they said it couldn't be done, have you noticed how everyone else that's been president is white?!" (needle flies off the record). The political fiction for "24" has always been suspect, but this speech that Palmer gives is so grating that I almost long for Victor Drazen to talk about Count Chocula cereal for an hour.

Speaking of, the Drazens are in the back of a van watching Jack play "Mary Had A Little Lamb" on a cell phone that's probably from 1996. The Drazens say "Do it again!" Jack accidentally dials CTU and Nina answers. Nina, the glorious, loyal friend to Jack sure rubs the back of her neck a lot. She must be tense. It's from caring too damned much.

Jack asks Nina to connect the Vampire Van to Drazen's son Alexei, who is recovering from being stabbed by a 90 lb. girl he done-did-wronged. (I just forgot how ridiculous these recaps can get- I mean how much information can a person possible cover in one sentence?) Victor makes it clear that he wants Alexei back in the family, his diminished blood supply and all. The deal: Drazen will give the Americans their beloved Jack Bauer in exchange for Alexei "The Human Sieve" Drazen. George Mason says he'll ask his parents if that's cool.

In the time Mason takes to call Chappelle to ask if they can make this blockbuster Fantasy Spyball trade, Mrs. Palmer is on the floor of the hotel ballroom arranging for her husband's side-action with the speech writer responsible for this drivel David's spewing. That's right, Mrs. Palmer wants David to sex up a staffer. "24" is family entertainment!

Back at CTU, Chappelle must have clicked "Reject Trade" in record time, as George is efficiently explaining to Nina that Jack is going to die with the California Drazens. Nina, the amateur Hallmark card writer that she is, goes running over to Teri who's sitting in a room doing absolutely nothing to tell Mrs. Bauer "We're doing everything we can to get Jack back, by the way we're not allowed to do anything." Seriously, this is what was said. I think Teri was more shocked by the complete lack of tact and logic Nina displayed more than her learning that Jack is going to die.

The California Drazens (yeah, I'm sticking with this one) take Jack to the most happening Slavic social club in any basement you could find. The room is filled with Slavic people! And a table full of cheese and potato dumplings! And a "communications center" consisting of an old Dell laptop and a fax machine! Wait, genocidal war criminals fax stuff?

Nina smacks the bee hive a little harder by calling David Palmer and asking him to help push the government for trading Alexei for Jack. Yeah, right- a US Senator running for president is really going to be dumb enough to start giving the Department of Defense orders on a national security matter. Wait- this one IS that dumb. David offers to help, says to Nina some shit about things being in good hands. Nina hangs up giggling.

Back at Souldispatch's reception desk, an office mate comes by to tell Tony that Kim has been kidnapped again. Tony looks down like a waiter being told by the chef "we're all out of shrimp!" during Endless Shrimp night at Red Lobster. "Don't send me out there with this information!" And of course, Teri walks by and asks "Where's Kim? I just knit her a new scarf! See!" Gahhhh!!!!

Meanwhile, Jack escapes from the vile clutches of the Drazens (took the California off this time for brevity- ha!) by using the hostess at the Slavic Club as a human shield. Victor shoots the hostess in the head. Jack is shocked. Um, Jack, this guy engaged in ethnic cleansing and committed numerous crimes against humanity. Yeah, he's gonna shoot the girl instead of surrendering. Lame. The Drazen that looks like Alton Brown calls Mason and asks if the trade is on. Mason says "The trade is on." Alton Drazen says "Ok, set your oven timer for 20 minutes." Then the dead hostess' dad shows up and he acts all shocked that the genocidal animal killed her, but then he begins to understand the depths of Victor's issues when 'ol Vic shoots him. So, there goes that family. But worry not, a new family is reunited when thugs show up with Kim Bauer, whose mouth is still mercifully covered with duct tape. Jack yells "Kim!" in shock. Someone covers Jack's mouth... with a punch. Jack goes to sleep.

I'm going to skip over this speechwriter/David Palmer flirting thing because it's so painfully contrived and dumb. Just know that it's happening... like Kim Kardashian, and we can choose to ignore both.

We finally reach the point where CTU trades Alexei for Jack. But wait, Jack isn't with the California Drazens anymore- they left him handcuffed to some large pipe in the Valley. Man, if Kiefer had a nickel for every time that shit happened. But in all seriousness, Mason brings the ailing Son of Drazen to the meeting spot and gets nothing in return but a lot of sass from a very capable henchman. The guy sizes up George as an incapable boob. They take Alexei from George, along with George's last shred of dignity.

And Jack... well, just when you thought "How can Jack get out of this one?" he gets a little help from someone in the distance who shoots the handcuffs, freeing Jack from his pipe. Jack's cell phone rings "If you want to see your daughter alive, and in furtherance of this ridiculous plot, please get in the fully gassed car we have waiting for you. Feel free to take our quarters for parking meters, just make sure you don't chew all of our gum, comrade! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Call ends. Episode Ends.

Damn, it's good to be back!

Now, someone please comment on the Social Contract of My Little Pony if you want to see those next two Retro Reviews alive. DAMMIT!

24: The Movie Poster Concept #3

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:09:00 +0000

Back in Sack, my friends!

This is Saul Bass-inspired without completely ripping off Saul Bass by cheating with his font. Sorry, I've been seeing a lot of hipster-minimalist movie poster stuff popping up online and I want to start smashing latté-filled skulls. Sorry, must be more Pony-like... (deep breath)...

Thanks to Mike Ward on Twitter for his support of these posters. Also, Cirroc has emerged from his Cave in Key West, where he spends his Winters, to share this update on the 24 Movie!

Ralph McQuarrie- Artist (June 13, 1929 - March 3, 2012)

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 03:32:00 +0000

I don't think we have to wonder what Ralph McQuarrie saw when he closed his eyes.

Mr. McQuarrie was the person responsible for many of the designs, ships, planets and characters of the original Star Wars trilogy. He invented a language of design that has defined one of the most beloved and enduring films of all-time. It is almost incomprehensible to consider the assignment Mr. McQuarrie undertook- to create the initial storyboards that George Lucas used to sell the studios on his "space-fantasy" movie.

From there, Lucas called on Mr. McQuarrie to provide production designs and character concepts. And I think Lucas was the luckiest man on Earth to have Mr. McQuarrie perform this work because the entire Star Wars story truly begins with the visuals created in those early days in 1975,

Mr. McQuarrie would be a legend if he just designed Darth Vader (which he did) and done nothing else. Personally, I discovered Mr. McQuarrie's work when i was 5 years old, flipping through "The Art of Star Wars"- a book that I demanded my mother buy for me. I would study the paintings in this book and go off to draw my own Star Wars pictures for hours and hours. I would say that Mr. McQuarrie captured my imagination in a way that defined my life. Drawing became my catharsis, my special escape from the world. Even when I was at school, I would draw all day- epic murals of the Death Star blasting away fleeing rebel ships while Darth Vader looks on in triumph. Yes, I can give Mr. McQuarrie some credit for my very mediocre grades in math classes over the years.

Indeed, we know what visions Mr. McQuarrie had because he shared many of them with us. And those images will always be a part of our world. Thank you, Mr. McQuarrie.

The Social Contract of My Little Pony

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 04:08:00 +0000

Disclaimer: I've been through two courses of antibiotics over the last 2 weeks (ongoing) to fight a very painful and stubborn bacterial infection. I am (I think) of sound mind when I write this, but for anyone used to the crazed, blood-drenched rants of this Jack Bauer blogger, sit back and consider this a new side of my personality.

Anyway, I've been out sick from work and I've had a lot of time to think about things- heck with all the computer tablets, laptops, TVs, etc. floating around my place, I can't be in a room without a computer if I tried. Information seeps through the walls and I realized most of it is poisonous and depressing. So, I've decided to take a vacation from "the news" and spend more time thinking about more positive material. Why fret over what the State Department is going to do about Syria when all my worrying in the past made no difference whatsoever?

My mind and soul longed for something positive but also reassuring in its form and message. And that was when I found "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" on the HUB Network. I don't care where this show came from, what it's designed to sell or if there's even a general point to the whole deal. I have come away from watching this show KNOWING what changes I want to see in the real world, thanks to these chatty little equines.

The key word with these ponies is "Friendship." All decisions are made taking into account the interests of their friends. Adam, you say, this sounds like communism- just throwing away all individual concerns to satisfy the larger group. No, this isn't communism, which I think I've made clear is not allowed under my roof. This is social and civic responsibility in action. The ponies are active in helping solve individual ponies' problems. And guess what- most of the time the ponies get it wrong. That's certainly not a ringing endorsement for social engineering through a centralized power! Of course that concern isn't even relevant here- no, My Little Ponies is more likely based on the social contract in John F. Kennedy's New Frontier- ask not what these ponies can do for you but what you can do for these fellow ponies.

In fact, the government where the ponies life in Equestria, is run by a monarch named Princess Celestia. The Princess is a hands-off, decentralized ruler. She makes it her business to stay out of the lives of her citizens. But she does maintain a strong presence as a pony who will keep bad behavior in check and punish anyone caught horsing around too much.

Therefore, ponies are left to solve their own problems- and through this process of inevitable failure turned into success, a lesson is learned and hopefully always remembered. This is exactly what we had to endure through elementary education. We were forced to socialize with a group of peers, determine who we could trust and rely on those kids to help us get through the year. There are dark sides to that forced socialization as well- bullying and other mistreatment, but that too is a learning experience. Work it out, kids. And if you don't work it out, you may find yourself stuck with that issue for far longer than you could imagine.

And then, by the time you reach adulthood, you've also achieved a hardened seclusion from the world. You may be surrounded by people all day long. But when you're 6 that's your whole world, when you're 36, you've got a bevy of other things that occupy your mind. And your existence at work is less meaningful for you and for others. One day, you may leave or get laid off and think "I wonder how this place will run without me?" but oh, don't you worry, it will run just the same. And that's the point- what difference are you really making in the world in that job you've performed for years and years, and sometimes for so many hours a week? It's not your fault, it's not your job's fault or your co-worker's fault. We just have to realize we live in very contained worlds. And we're also separated from many of those with whom we used to be very close- family and long-time friends grow and move and eventually pass away. There's not enough "community" in our real lives. And without that connection, you can never make a meaningful impact.

That's where these ponies come into the discussion again. I've watched a few episodes and I have a generally good grasp on their approach to storytelling at this point. The ponies are all workers- they all fulfill services for the community.

So, step one: they are participating directly in their community through their economic productivity. Each pony not only has a role, she has value.

Step two: their social connections are fairly focused on a handful of peers. Ponies are not spreading their social time too thinly.

Step three: A simple set of morals govern their behavior. This does two things- 1) it creates a pattern of morally-just norms by which the ponies abide and 2) draws stark disapproval of ponies thought to defy those norms. It's a self-policing social order and it's highly efficient. I'm telling you, I've see no cops on this show.

Step four: The lesson of forgiveness. This is a big one for the show- not that these ponies are stealing jewels and credit cards from one another, but for the larger notion that forgiveness really means forgiveness. Holding onto anger or hatred does not fly in Equestria. The ponies gather their hooves and clip-clop to the next problem, not obsessing over the day's shenanigans. If this is what makes a society function fully- and for the larger benefit of the group, maybe there's something to consider more seriously. Ponies see wisdom in moving on. I'll think about that more, for certain.

And that's an introduction. There's plenty more to discuss which I'll do when the time is appropriate.

24: The Movie Poster Concept #2: THE 24VENGERS!

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:50:00 +0000

This summer, Earth's Mightiest Counterterrorists Unite! Edgar's got a green problem, Renee Walker is still a foxy redhead, Mr. Buchanan is a Norse Legend, Chloe has taken flight in her latest invention and Tony Almeida is all about the bow and arrow... and soulpatch. Jack Bauer is prepared to fight any evil so long as it don't take longer than 24 hours to stop the threat.

24: The Movie Poster Concept #1

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 02:58:00 +0000

Picking up from last week's announcement of a "24" film, we suggest 20th Century Fox take a similar approach here to what it did with the well-worn "Apes" series. Get your prequel on, FOX! Show us where the Bauers came from once and for all!

"Get yer stinkin paws off my Jack Sack, you damned dirty Bauer!"

Getting Your Blog Back On

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 06:17:00 +0000

I've been out of this blogging gig so long that I've returned to find that no one blogs anymore! You people with all of your tweeting, friending, tumblring, linkedining, etc. Well, throw on your White Stripes albums and imagine a world where a movie ticket cost $10, where no one knew of Kim Kardashian and where this site threatened to shoot you in the kneecaps if you didn't watch "24."

It's good manners to say where you've been when having been silent for such a long time. Here it is: I was at work being a lawyer.

My friends and family can confirm this statement. I was at work, losing my creativity and energy in an attempt to catch up on my career. I went from watching films and making pot roasts to playing corporate politics and eating tinned fish for dinner. Somewhere along the way, I wrongly brought my moral compass to work and began to get truly upset with the things I was witnessing. Don't get me wrong, I've not found anyone breaking the law (well, except one guy, but that's not something I can talk about until the case is adjudicated, stay tuned, seriously). What gnaws at me is something less pressing but more disheartening: a lot of people lack a conscience. It's a defect that doesn't appear during casual chit-chat or even formal meetings. Unfortunately, it shows up with the larger things: a layoff that wasn't necessary or justified, an expense report that covers a $5,000 sofa, or two or three of them, and a complete lack of accountability for the really bad things that people do to each other on a regular basis.

If I thought my group was somehow uniquely dysfunctional, I would be fine with everything I mentioned. But this is not nearly as bad as other places I know and many more I've heard of from my associates. Simple tasks are made difficult because things not having to do with the work involved become priorities: who takes credit? Who gets to fly out to the event? Who cares!

And then there was The Jack Sack™- emptied of its excellent contributors and readers, the site stood silent, asking me to write once more. I made several attempts to publish something, ANYTHING, to show you signs of life. I would start a review of a movie and then stop and delete the whole draft. I prepared a commentary on the whole Mosque at the World Trade Center because I was impassioned to speak to those ideals our leaders were failing to articulate. I was also trying to make you laugh- drafting a story of "Where is Jack Bauer at this VERY moment" and couldn't piece together one funny idea regarding his whereabouts.

Instead of writing to fill space, I chose to put this operation on hold. And while I am sure I made the right choice given what was going on in my life, I also know that I greatly missed writing. Goofing off is my escape. This site was created on a goofy notion- to honor and perpetuate the legend of a tough guy's manpurse. "24" fans understood the absurdity of this fixation. We made friends, and competed to be as ridiculous as the show eventually became.

The show's end in May 2010 made my desire to write about Jack Bauer almost disappear. I'd said everything I thought about the character- serious and ridiculous ideas both! I forgot how to draw out the silly shit from the show into the open to exploit for comedic purposes. My show walked away from us. Who wants to talk about a friend that beats it out of town and doesn't write back?

I do, apparently. When Cirroc posted a comment the other day about a new "24" film, I finally started to care. And now that the film is looking to film in a couple of months, I think this site is ready to resume. Hey, we may even show these kids what more than 140 characters of copy will get you. Jack Bauer is so good at killing bad guys that if he tweeted about it, he would force Twitter to give him a special account that knows no rules. And then there's the Doctor from Doctor Who- always changing, always upbeat-- I'll take note of those habits in particular.

24 Movie News: Sutherland Declares He's "Back In Sack!"

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 10:47:00 +0000

Caveman & scholar Cirroc was kind enough to learn how to type and leave news in my last article's comment section regarding a new motion picture that's apparently in development. It's called "24" which has lead some industry-watchers to theorize that comedian Steve Martin is going back to his much-lauded "Cheaper By The Dozen" film series to add further to this enduring tale with a second marriage and another 12 kids. Bonnie Hunt's character is undoubtedly dead in this sequel.

Or, and this is a long-shot, this is a film that will continue the television series "24" which served as a post-September 11th thriller depicting the life of (sometimes) Federal Agent Jack Bauer as he spends precisely 24 hours trying to stop multiple louses from hurting our fine nation. Kiefer Sutherland, fresh off of not doing "24" for a few years, made an announcement that the film could begin production in the Spring of this year. Mr. Sutherland also stated that the new film will take place 6 months after the last episode of the TV series, which aired in May 2010 (when this blog was as popular as that middle Brady girl from the "Brady Bunch").

Assuming they get this film going, "24" could be in theaters by Summer 2013. Or, if 20th Century Fox wishes to torture us, they could delay it until that Winter, by which point I will be retired and living in Cozumel with no internet access. I guess there are worse fates to be had...

My TARDIS At The Office

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:57:00 +0000

It's bigger on the inside. I made it out of foamcore a few months ago. My superiors have not demanded that I take it down yet, so I think we're in the clear.

THERE WILL BE ABE!

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 04:18:00 +0000

Just a little silliness to close out the year- as Daniel Day-Lewis is filming "Lincoln" for Steven Spielberg, and idea popped into my head to mashup history with some good 'ol fashioned pop culture. Happy New Year!

DOCTOR WHO: How I came late to yet another party

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 10 May 2011 13:30:00 +0000

I didn't start watching "24" until its fifth season- and through the miracle of DVDs, I caught up on the entire series within a few weeks. It was during that time that this blog was created-- five years ago almost to the day (5/2/06)!

Well, it's fitting that I show up late to another popular TV show-- one that I disliked for years out of complete ignorance, DOCTOR WHO. The show just appeared so... British, and inaccessible for its goofiness and very long history (nearly fifty years). Imagine picking up STAR TREK today-- and having to go back through the entire run. It's intimidating; it's a friggin' side job, in fact!

Nevertheless, it took one episode of the current series to draw me in- the Series 6 (in England they call seasons "series"-- see, really British!) premiere, which aired 4 weeks ago. The show follows a time traveling being, The Doctor, who takes along a companion (or two) and engages the most offbeat and complicated aliens throughout the Universe. The show hits almost every genre- horror, sci-fi, historical fiction, etc. It appeals to anyone with some degree of attention deficit disorder. After a handful of episodes, I was hooked.

Thankfully, Netflix has a lot of the episodes available for streaming. That means I get to watch nearly all 60 or so episodes starting from 2005 (this is the "modern" DOCTOR WHO era) before I roll up my sleeves and get into the old-school doctors from way back when (50 years of The Doctor... yeah, I have my summer TV planned out).

If any of you have watched the show, please jump in. I'm considering doing episode reviews (at least the current episodes to start) and maybe retro reviews as my viewings mount up. And if you've never watched the show before, I strongly recommend you give it a look.

New episodes air on BBC America Saturday nights. This week, fantasy writer Neil Gaiman pens a special episode. Advance reviews say new viewers will be able to join the series relatively easily this week. So, who's interested?

Usama Bin Laden- Dead.

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Mon, 02 May 2011 18:21:00 +0000

I don't think my personal views on Usama Bin Laden or September 11th are that noteworthy or novel- I'm like many of you in that I remember the day of the attacks vividly and have been absorbing the effects of such for many years thereafter.

My initial reaction to the terrorist attacks of 2001 was intense- a deep sense of sadness and loss of faith in the security of this country. Living 15 miles away from NYC and having worked at the Twin Towers through November 2000, I had a connection to those events. There was a hole created by Usama Bin Laden and his subordinates- time fills it in to an extent, but the crater's ridge will always remain visible.

Upon learning of his death today, I was mostly curious as to the details. I certainly didn't feel patriotic or "proud to be an American." I'm already proud of our history and its principles. We live in an age of deconstructionism, pessimism and divisiveness. The past ten years- where Bin Laden's legacy is its most concentrated-- only served to prove that fact. Yes, we can find many faults in what we've done since September 11th, but do those mistakes negate the many great achievements from our larger history? I've grown very tired of the negative piling-on. We can be a great people and we're also screwed up. We're human-- get over it and move on.

I hope that, beyond the damage it would cause Al Qaeda, this day marks a psychological turning point for us- that we don't have to wonder if this person is still around to set in motion further attacks. In terms of justice, killing him is a drop in the bucket towards putting things back into balance. He's one guy- an innovator at his business, but no more important to his organization as Ray Kroc was to McDonald's. The worldwide business of terrorism is not undone.

This doesn't mean we diminish the death of a criminal who caused great harm to citizens throughout the world. We should take comfort in knowing that, despite many obstacles and leads going dead cold, we remained loyal to fulfilling the justice owed to this person. Now, we should think about the bigger issue- does Bin Laden continue to define us or do we find a way to really bury the son-of-a-bitch by uniting to do bigger things again?

24 Season 1: 8PM-9PM Outsourced Retro Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 02:56:00 +0000

Back after a hiatus that makes the gap between Seasons 6 and 7 seem brief, The Jack Sack™ returns with the beginning of the end of Season 1's Retro Reviews. Coming this hour, we welcome back the excellent BauerLuver for yet another hilarious, high-energy recap. I am so very happy to bring this to you and thank you all for being patient over these past few weeks/months(!!!!).

Outsourced Retro Review for 8:00-9:00 PM:

Hello my friends :) Can you believe we are on the last season 1 disc? Time flies when you're having fun, which doesn't include Jack n' co., who are currently having "the longest day of their lives", right? We last left off at a thrilling moment between Jack and Victor Drazen in the uber-creepo prison dungeon thing. So let's jump back in as the clock keeps tickin'.....

David is giving himself air high-fives as he tunes in to the tube to see how awesome the world thinks he is. Not that I blame him of course! The guy has had almost as bad of a day as Jack has. Jack's brainiac of a daughter is currently keeping a small section of prison bench warm. At least she was until some chick named Melanie forces her out. Jack's family just can't get lucky today, right?

David gives yet another butt-kicking speech, this time to his party buddies about this being "OUR" victory. Gotta love you David. You're the bomb! I wanna get a "Palmer for president" bumper sticker! And back on the ranch, Jack must give George a recap on his current predicament, which George fortunately goes along with. After receiving a little morality speech from George about her personal life (c'mon guys, we all know what this is about) Nina is left to be Teri Bauer's tour guide of CTU. Tony's head goes back and forth between Nina and Teri like he's watching tennis as Teri goes all "Where's Kim, Where's Jack, What's going on with my family, etc." Guys, let's look at the bright side. She's not asking who she is anymore, right? At least, Nina seems to agree as she tromps back to work with her manservant, Tony.

Jack is doing super duper cool stuff with his men as they make desperate attempts to break out of the prison. However, this may be easier said then done because some explosives just detonated and the baddies are gonna break in! Jinkies! Zoinks! Scooby-dooby-doo! George gets another smackdown, not from Nina this time, but from Teri. (I know, right?) George plays all nicey-nicey with Mrs. Jack Bauer, but then reveals to his assistant that he doesn't give a darn what happens to Ter Bear as long as she's not in his face. Geez lo' peas. What a jerk. Everybody's so mean on this show.

We then get an extremely uncomfortable and itchy scene, perhaps the worst in the entire season (and if you have been watching the whole season, you'll know that that is saying something.) David goes to check in with some flirty little paragraph writer named Peppermint Patty. Pep. Patty gives some gushy speech about how much she admires David. But that's not the worst of it. David goes along with it and it gets all warm and creepy and weird and stuff. Eew. David please, please, PLEASE don't do anything wrong, creepy, or stupid with this lady. We've loved you all season, DON'T ruin it. PLEASE. But it might just happen, because why would the writers throw this more-than-friends speech unless they had some twisted intent for it? Oh deary dear.

After that ultra-creepy and uncomfortable scene, we return to the real action. While George's reinforcements are on their way, they might not get there in time because Ahhhhhndre's men have officially broken in. This does present an awesome showdown where Jack yells "DROP YOU WEAPONS OR I'LL SHOOT!!!!!!!" at least twenty times. But sadly, the Power of Bauer is officially overpowered by Drazen's men, who don't hesitate to shoot a guy in cold blood. Yikes. Jack -but also the Drazens and co.-are trapped in the underground prison.

But Jack isn't the only one getting a showdown. His little girl shows a vital chance of having Bauer blood in her veins after giving an awesome retort to that Melanie girl who was bothering her. Kim, welcome to the 24 crew! Keep this up and you'll be working for CTU in a few years (like that'll ever happen, *snort*)

Jack tells Drazen that Victor's "kill-everybody-who's-ever-pissed-me-off-in-the-slightest-or-gotten-in-my-way plan" isn't too hot. For some reason, Victor doesn't agree. While I think Dennis Hopper is overall a marvelous actor, I must comment on the fact that his accent is a little forced and even borderline extreme. But you still get the point he's trying to convey, a point he relays to George, who counters back that America doesn't negotiate with terrorists. George even tells Nina to scat because of her "emotional involvement" but the lady stands her ground and stays put. Go Nina. The guys just love you.

Some other chick in the slammer blames Melanie for smoking pot (which I definitely wouldn't put past her). Anyway, Kim stands up and tells the officer the truth. This inspires Melanie to tell the truth to the officer who busted them how Kim wasn't really involved. Moral of the story? Don't tell lies. The end.

Jack is still trying to persuade Victor to see the light on this situation, but Victor ain't budging. Jack does this super-cool kick move which unfortunately doesn't work, but still looks awesome! Victor gives another rambling rant to Jack, then tells Ahndre "Make sure he doesn't die." You wanna know how Andre responds to this? By kicking an already-injured Jack several times in the ribs. Well, Jack and Victor both have one thing in common: they both have not-too-bright families.

Chapelle tells George to have no mercy and throw a full out assualt to avoid embarrassment, which George mechanically agrees to. Teri is happy for about two seconds after she learns from Tony that Kim is ok, but that all changes after Nina, the Bearer of Ill Tidings, relays the details of Jack's situation. Predictably, Teri gets all weepy and weak again, but Nina is actually the most interesting feature of this scene. We can tell by her tone and cracked-up expression that she truly cares about both Jack and Teri, and we would not be unjustified in saying that Nina is in love with Jack. Too bad for Jack that the amnesia wasn't permanent!

Kim is officially free! Might this day have a happy ending after all? All that needs to happen is Jack getting reunited with his family, which can easily be done in the course of the next three hours. Dare I get my hopes up?

Let's not jump into any conclusions, though. Mike gives a weird pep talk to David which includes (but is not limited to) getting his party face on and not seeking stability from his marriage. Mike, I swear, DO NOT ADD KINDLING TO AN UPCOMING FIRE! That "fire" is currently getting blushy and flirty when David says "Thanks." Patty, you are a dirty little creeper and David, I thought better of you.

The assault teams have arrived, but Jack and the Drazens have Disapparated! (sorry for the Harry Potter references, I just saw the movie the other day.) Anyway, it might take the teams awhile to get in because there are booby-traps made of lasers surrounding the doorways. (How cool is that?) The Drazens have taken Jack put through -shall we say- the back door. Just as they are about to put a bullet into his manly noggin, Jack mentions Alexis and the Drazens decide to let Jack live so that they can use him for information.

Kim, alas, cannot keep her pretty head out of trouble. After a sweet little conversation with mom, Kim's escort police car is attacked, and lo and behold: she is captured AGAIN! How many times can they keep doing this?

This was a good episode, not quite as thrilling as the last, but still good. Jack does some sweet moves, Nina digs them, and Teri is weepy. The usual. But this Patty thing must die. We all know where it is going, and I find it extremely hard to believe that David would do such a thing when all his principles suggest otherwise. Thanks for tuning in, and thanks again to Adam!

Editor's note: Thank you, BL- you've done an awesome job and had me laughing a few times while reading this recap. I especially love the snarkiness directed at Kim. I think it's almost easy to forget how painfully dumb a teenager she was in these early episodes. We're talking Snooki-levels of dumb here!

24 Season 1: 7PM-8PM Outsourced Retro Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 02:33:00 +0000

Editor's note: BauerLuver strikes again! She offers a brilliant, frantic review of one of the best episodes from Season 1. I really love what you're about to read:

Greetings, fellow Twentyfourers! I have the next weekly dose of the Jack Bauer Power Hour. Previously on 24, Jack went to some National Park, George cracked more sarcasm, and David made a big speech. With relish that the Keith-Amnesia-Kim-is-with-the-drug-dealers storylines have finally ended, let us begin...

It's dinner time, folks! Maybe to us, but not to the characters of 24. Jack n' George investigate what looks like an abandoned golf course. They've been told that at 7:20, the power will be shut down in that location. George, of course, starts to lose heart in this information when he doesn't get instant results, and saunters back home leaving Jack to dig up whatever he can find. I'm liking this George guy less and less. In fact, if he didn't have a sense of humor, I would downright hate him.

Fresh of his stunning save, Tony is left to reap his reward by hawling a hysterical Teri and a wounded Creepo Doctor into his van. He calls Nina, they talk dirt, they hang up. Teri is downright screaming for Kim, and Tony ends up yelling, "TERI, GET IN THE CAR!" Seriously woman, get a grip will ya? Look? Alright? Yha? That's when we hear Tony mumbling, "I don't get paid enough to do this job..."

Down at the old slammer, Kim and Rick are put in handcuffs. Rick FINALLY decides to back Kim up and they agree to tell the police everything that has happened. Ignore the "hallelujah" chorus you hear in the background. Meanwhile, David gives Nicole the same ten speeches he's already given Keith, but reworded. But hey, at least she's in good hands! But then we get a little smackdown with Sherry, who marches in with the same yimmer yammer like before, about how the world will end if David tells the truth. She says, "I hope your conscience helps you when this is all over." David retorts back, "You mean the campaign or us?" Guys, this is big. This perfect couple has been at each other's throats all day, but they never actually talked about splitting up before. My goodness.

Jackanial Baueroone (Daniel Boone + Jack Bauer) marches fearlessly through the wilderness, and he just happens to notice something a bit funny. There is a passageway in the ground (if any of you have seen LOST, it's like the hatch) made of concrete. Ahhhhndre Drazen and his minions unfortunately already know that Jack is there, and this strobe light and alarm suddenly blare on, and Jack yells and there are soldiers and stuff and an unconscious Jack is dragged away. Security has a may of making a guy feel welcome, you know?

Jack wakes up, and pukes. (gross.) A guy comes in who looks suspiciously like that Spanish matinance man from earlier in the day. Not only does Jack learn that this place is an underground detention center (how cool is that?) but also that an unidentified prisoner is arriving at the important time- 7:20. Jack tells Matinance Man to prepare this place for battle. The plot has just majorly thickened! The SWAT bad guy soldier people prepare for battle to, but even Ahhhndre can't deny being a little antsy since Alexis hasn't called back. As Jillian Michaels said, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

Jack's homemade army of janitors prepares to look like they know what they're doing as a chopper holding the mysterious prisoner lands on the chopper patch. As Jack brings in the suspect, not only is Ahhhndre's army reluctant to attack because they see added recruits, but the power never goes off (I actually don't know how Jack stopped this). Ahhhhndre stands down, and zeee priisonerrr eeees seecurre!
(and the lights are on!)

Kim does a horrible job of explaining herself to the police officer, but let's face it, we didn't expect anything better, did we? She does have the sense to tell the officer to call CTU, which hopefully he will. Down in the dungeons, Jack tries to weedle his way into interrogating the prisoner, but of course, it is denied. So that leaves Jack with two options: a) go rouge, or b) get DOD Matinance Man to call his people. It'll probably end up being both. :)

Jack slips into a random control office, taps a few buttons, and just as he gets caught, sees who the prisoner is on the screen. Guess what, folks? Victor Drazen is alive and kicking! This is quite the twist, and Jack takes it about as well as I might! Of course, this raises the question, why would Victor's sons want to avenge their father who is already alive? I think we'll find the answer soon.

Jack has another arm wrestle with DOD Matinence, who concludes that their next move should be making phone calls. Jack disagrees because Jack is a step above the average mortal man. Oh, and it turns out that Drazen's sons know that their father is alive, and decide to use C5 to blast a way in. I suppose they're just trying to make up for their previous lack of Father's Day gifts, right?

Nina takes the whiplash from George all for asking why he hasn't told Jack about his family. This really annoys me, Nina has the most sense on this show past Jack and David! And yet she gets punted around like a football at that dimly lit office of hers. One observation I've noticed is how obsessed she is with Jack. I mean, she's always trying to do anything to make the man happy! And honestly, she seems to care very little for Tony, who she kind of has as a backup man in case Jack is gone or something. The DAh-Rah-Mah.

Yeah, guess what: it turns out Sherry was wrong. Seems like telling the truth is the latest fashion these days! David's numbers actually increase and I'm serious, if he doesn't end up president, I'll eat my hat. At the Presidential Hotel, at little par-tae is being thrown in honor of David's awesomeness. We then get another juicy David- Sherry scene, and behold: David doesn't love or trust Sherry anymore! Penny Johnson Gerald is amazing in this scene as she comes back saying, (in a very dramatic voice) "Well, David, you may not love me but you'll never leave me." David is kinda like, "Watch me." I just can't believe it! How can this couple seriously break up? They're soulmates! Sherry would have to do something really diabolical before I could ever think that they should actually break up.

Down in the Chamber of Secrets, Jack gets the go (sort of) to interrogate Victor Drazen. Yeeeees! Dennis Hopper gives a smashing performance as the Bosnian nationalist, and as Jack tries to convince him to call off the attack, he refuses. (I suddenly have a future vision of another man Jack will also interrogate in a holding room and have believed he was dead --- Omgsh spolier alert!) Jack concludes that Victor won't talk, and prepares to move his men and Drazen out. But this isn't done without complications -- our last scene features men moving into the prison. "Thhhherre hhheeerrree," says Drazen in his native tongue, Vampirenese, with oily relish.

Another strong episode. This detention facility is super cool, I actually just feel like an agent myself by watching it! The Sherry -- David breakup update, however, seems a little unbelievable to me. I don't think hiding huge secrets from your spouse is OK, but to throw away 24 ---I mean 25, years of marriage for a problem that's already been solved? Sherry (or David) would have to do something truly evil for me to buy it. Nice action + interrogation + Less Teri and Kim + Super spy underground prison = Thrilling 24! Thanks y'all for tuning in! Only one more disc (sniff) till the season's done!

Editor's note: Watching this episode, I began to realize, sadly, how much I'll miss Dennis Hopper. He brought a level of theater to his villain that was borderline comical, but still very intimidating. It's an underrated performance from a great actor. Thanks again, BL- you had me laughing throughout your awesome review!

24 Season 1: 6PM-7PM Outsourced Retro Review

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 03:39:00 +0000

It's your Absentee Landlord here-- Many apologies to everyone for the lateness in posting Spencer's review. I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by work- I know, boo-freakin-hoo. I am sincerely grateful for everyone's continued contributions, and Spencer- thank you, man. You've turned in another great piece- which I share with you all here:

Helloooooo, I'm Spencer. I substitute for Adam and write crappy reviews so YOU don't have too.(jk)

So, where are we now? Well, it appears that Dr. Russell Crowe has brought Tear-me Bauer to her house. Gee, it sure is a good thing that Dr. Russell Crowe doesn't like molesting people with amnesia. Meanwhile, Zee Big Russian Mon is peeking his head out from behind a tree, and...I'm sorry, but that's just funny. I know we're supposed to take it seriously, but it seems so cartoony for a villain character to be hiding behind a tree and peeking his head out menacingly. All that's missing is him saying, "Ha-ha, they've fallen right into my trap! Soon everything will fall into place and I'll be able to take over the world!"

Anyway, the two get in the house using a hidden key, and either R2D2's having some fun in the bathroom or the alarm goes off. Tear-me Bauer calls someone asking about how to stop it, and the lady asks for the password. Man, I really wish Tear-me Bauer would've said, "Lady, if I knew what the password was, first of all, I would've been able to turn it off myself, and second of all, if I knew the password, it wouldn't have gone off in the first place because this is a show! Use your brains, bitch!

While this is all happening, Nina tells Jack that the name of the most inconveniently shot man in history is Allen Morgan. Jack takes interest in this information. He and Nina are doing pretty well, though Bauer's still upset that he shot Nina, not because he likes her, but because since then she's been wearing long pants. Shakespearean tragedy for both Jack and the audience. I do have to say that these two look like Mulder and Scully when they're investigating. It's quite awesome.

Two cops come in to Tear-me Bauer's house and point guns, but she and the doctor put their hands up, so the cops are like, "Alright, you're cool.", and put their guns down. Innocent until proven guilty, I guess. Anyway, one of the cops knocks on the bathroom door and yells, "Get a life and stop thinking about C3P0!". The beeping stops. He then asks for Tear-me Bauer's ID, but doesn't need it when he's convinced that she lives here by all the photoshoped pictures in the house.

Jack spends a few minutes having a conversation with like, half the characters in the show, and when he's about to go off driving to investigate, George Mason reveals that he always wanted to be a taxi driver, so Jack gives him some pity and lets him drive.

Britney Spears is still stuck at the house with Rick, and Dan's brother is getting pissed off at the lack of breakable objects. He does finally learn that Dan's dead, and...brakes a lamp. Rick wants to call off the deal, and Mr. I Want to Break Things says, "We can't call it off with the drug dealers. We have to point guns at them and rob them!".

The Palmer family gets into one of those arguments that many people would get into if most families still ate dinner together at a table. The daughter has a two-second long seizure. Ah, the never-ending Palmer drama.

Tear-me Bauer's still trying to get her memory back, so Dr. Russell Crowe turns on a song from Britney Spears' music player. The only memory that she gets back is being in bed the night before with Jack. I have to say, I know I've been picking on him, but Dr. Russell Crowe seems ok. The writers are trying to make him look creepy, but he just seems like a guy that's trying to do what he can to help out this woman that he really cares for.

David's trying to keep the family together, but Sheri's like, "Hey, if you ain't gonna be president, I ain't gonna be some nice-ass wife! Fuck that shit!" Dr. Russell Crowe is talking with Tear-me Bauer about hotdogs and air-hockey. Some friend of Crowe's named Frank arrives to protect her just in case someone tries to kill her, but she decides that she doesn't like hospitals OR guns, so he stays outside. (And I love how this minor character's name is Frank. This won't be the last time the show practically makes fun of the name.)

David Palmer begins a pretty ass-kicking speech which foils Carl and his group's plans. The speech, which includes his concerns with Allstate's stand, will probably meet with praise from the general public. During this, Mason and Bauer arrive at their destination and find a door. Yay.

Well, the deal goes at the slaughter house, and Dan's brother and his friends manage to rip the drug dealers off....until they find that the drug dealers are cops, and they find this out by getting arrested BY the cops. Gap-tooth Larry hugs David after the senator finishes his speech, and finally a small scent of hope enters David as he starts to think that things might turn out well.

Dr. Russell Crowe shows Tear-me Bauer pictures of his ex-girlfriends, but Zee Big Russian Mon finally gets tired of hiding behind trees and shoots (sniggers) Frank, right when the poor guy needs to use the restroom. Russell Crowe only gets a bullet through the shoulder, presumably so that Zee Big Russian Mon can torture him if he has to so Tear-me Bauer will tell him where Kim is.(You know that a character's going to survive on 24 if they get shot in the shoulder.)

Zee Big Russian Mon begins to interrogate the woman, but he gets shot and killed by none other than Tony Almeida. KICKASS. The episode ends with the Palmer family preparing themselves for what lies ahead, Britney Spears going to prison(lol) and a helicopter flying by Jack and George, with Jack saying, "Someone knows we're here.". Not surprisingly, the episode ends on that note.

Of the reviews I've made, this was the most fun, no doubt with help from 9 hours of sleep, a couple of sodas, a steak, and a day off from school. Adam, I hope that your absence will come to an end soon, and if not, I would be happy to do more reviews.

So yeah, to be continued, dah-dah-dah.

Editor's note: Thank you, Spencer- a steak dinner suits you well. I too hope to crack open a soda, grilled filet, the Season 1 set & get back to what I love- writing about the insanity of Jack's world. In the meantime- everybody, please keep 'em coming. You're keeping this blog afloat, and I am truly thankful for and entertained by your awesome work.

Happy Halloween!

noreply@blogger.com (Adam) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 01:01:00 +0000

Here are some pics from my office Halloween party. The group I joined did a Star Wars theme- guess which one I am: